It’s an all-too-common scenario: after months of being MIA in each other’s lives, you and a friend have finally been able to procure a night free of any work obligations or family commitments or any other non-negotiable responsibilities to actually see each other. Huzzah, May the joyful merriment commence!
…But, when the meetup that you both moved heaven and earth for finally does happen, all you do is regurgitate recent events. Making things feel unsatisfying and anticlimactic.
At the end of the night, you’re left feeling no closer to the person than before. And still you say:
“Let’s catch-up again soon!”
If this never ending cycle sounds familiar, you’re not alone. It’s a loop so many of us are stuck in.
Back in January, a woman named Bianca Stelian even went viral on TikTok for seemingly coining the term “catch-up friendships,” and perfectly summing up how this phenomenon pops up in our adult lives.
In the clip, Stelian recalled how spending tons of time with friends was the most natural thing in the world in college, saying, “everyone you love is in one convenient five block radius.” Because of this, you already kind of know what’s going on in each other’s lives, so instead of catching up, you could connect by watching a movie, hanging in silence, or simply coexisting.
Then cut to post-grad life, and life becomes too demanding to maintain friendships as you once did. Enter the “catch-up friendship.”
“Everytime you talk, you have to start the conversation with a big load of life updates. You have to hit every category: family, work, dating, social life, health, you get it. And before you know it you’ve essentially spent 45 minutes interviewing each other like you’re on a reality show without really breaking past the surface,” Stelian explains.
And once you’ve done this even a couple of times, it becomes a habit. And soon friendships are “a lot less about coexisting and more about organizing discreet dinner or drinks or FaceTimes or phone calls to catch-up,” she laments.
Stelian adds that while there is nothing “inherently horrible” about this type of relationship, “it takes away a lot of the joy of what made your friendship special in the first place.” In essence, you lose the trees for the forest—all of the small joys that came from sharing a life together get overshadowed by all the “big picture stuff.”
@infinitebs I am guilty of this as well but there is hope i promise #postgrad #friends #friendships #sociallife #socialanxiety #college ♬ original sound – bianca
It might be common for our friendships to fall lower on our priorities the older we get, but study after study shows us how detrimental the lack of that particular connection can be in our lives.
Luckily, there are other ways to spend time with friends that don’t require going over everything you did the past few months, like running errands together, or revolving the meet-up around a recreational activity.
Stelian also had a few suggestions for breaking the rut, like posting your little life updates to your Instagram stories, so that less catching up would be required (we’re all on social media anyway), sending voice notes (long rambles welcome), creating a public journal or email newsletter and sending vlogs (like voice memos, but “elevated”).
Bottom line: we know friendships are important. We also know that life doesn’t alway make maintaining friendships easy. But a little creativity goes a long way, and the benefits are well worth the effort. Hopefully these tips can help add a little spice to your catch-ups.