It’s a weird time, for sure. What next steps might look like out of the worst parts of the pandemic, no matter where you’re living, aren’t exactly clear and as the natural world chugs toward summer, for many of us it’s a seasonal marker we’re feeling the significance of but can’t enter fully into the headspace, or habits of. Not yet.

The NBA is feeling this too. As the league picks up momentum toward what is still a huge question mark in many, many markets, namely whether or not teams will begin to practice and if it means the season, somehow, will start up again, the energy of that not necessarily forward motion is manifesting… strangely, in some players. While others are carrying on living their lives in ISO and celebrating its many milestones (Births! Birthdays! Engagements! Star Wars!) as they go. It has all added up to different kinds of surprises this week, some much better than others.

P.J. Tucker

Let’s start as strong as we possibly can. Sometimes I stick the best of the week down in the middle, to give you a reason to keep going (too real?), but it would be a disservice to delay this one. P.J. Tucker, famed for never once being the man the clothes are wearing and always being the man wearing the clothes; famed for a defensive prowess that not only feel personal, but that the object of his defense is also lucky; famed for driving around topless in a convertible wearing a beautiful, supple felt bolero hat on more than one occasion, had a birthday this week. To celebrate, he traveled to Aspen, Colorado, put on a really “dress for the birthday theme you’ve created yourself” jacket, and had a glass of bubbles and either sparkling rosé or regular (but not, like, “regular”) rosé poured simultaneously for himself. I do wish the dude on the photo’s right held off on flipping the bird in this moment because the beauty of Tucker is how demure he is, even in the middle of excess.

And then, AND THEN, because even wearing an all white outfit including a pearlescent, white sombrero, is somehow not excessive if it’s P.J. Tucker doing it, he thanks everyone for the birthday wishes as only he could. Graciously. This look is the equivalent of a whisper telling you exactly what you want to hear.

Rating: The best part is knowing Tucker did not ski, nor feel the need to take on any other geographically-themed activity, and simply enjoyed himself.

Paul Millsap

Start strong, stay strong. So here again is the master of Self-ISO, Paul Millsasp, with a quit and caring interlude for us all.

Rating: Picturing Millsap wrapping two giant hands tenderly around the warmth of this mug, blowing gently on the top, doing an inhale, smiling to himself, absolutely counts as a kind of meditation.

Jusuf Nurkic

Nurk alert! For those of us who aren’t horse girls or Jusuf Nurkic, it’s helpful to know that Clydesdales, the kind of horse Nurkic looks like he’s doing a pony ride on with his feet dangling nearly to the ground in I want to say socks and sandals, are around 6-feet at the shoulder. Is this photo like a metaphor that no matter the burdens we’ve placed upon the natural world, it’s been there to support us and we shouldn’t take it for granted? It should be.

Rating: In the immortal words of Jusuf Nurkic, “There is much we can learn from a friend who happens to be a horse.”

Jaren Jackson Jr.

Self-ISO, and indeed this current moment in human history, is all about small victories and rituals that keep us going. For example, Jaren Jackson Jr. dressing up and making an impromptu fashion shoot about going to the gas station. You know that feeling when you’re on a really long road trip or drive and you pull into a gas station, maybe in another country or state than you started in, and everything feels like a novelty? You buy a bunch of snacks you’ve never seen and maybe a funny hat? That’s sort of what it’s like now going to places you used to take for granted.

Rating: So you see, life is a highway.

Jimmy Butler

Jimmy took his braids out this week. This is one of maybe two instances, the first was when he ate a regular grilled cheese sandwich, that we’ve seen him relax in ISO, now literally letting his hair down. Will we see a less impossibly regimented Jimmy Butler return to basketball when this is all over? Absolutely not, but it’s fun to imagine.

Rating: Do you think Pat Riley broke his phone throwing it out the window when he saw this? I do.

Rudy Gobert

It’s nice to see Gobert making some friends again.

Rating: Even if this duck was inclined by a deep, intuitive urge to migrate and that path happened to take it through Rudy’s backyard, still.

Amir Johnson

Three huge milestones for one of the greatest of all time, Amir Johnson, this week! First, a birthday! Happy Birthday Amir! Second, he’s a third time father! Congratulations Amir and family! Third, he’s made an appearance in NBA Self-Isolation Watch and is now back on the radar of thousands, if not tens of thousands, as it should always be!

Rating: A new Holy Trinity to get behind.

Jonathan Isaac

Hopefully people have become more acquainted with Orlando Magic forward Jonathan Isaac’s outstanding cheekbones during the season suspension, as well as all the charity work he’s been leading independently for support and frontline workers. But a guy with that bone structure, with that level of community involvement, deserves some sparkle in his life. Good news! Isaac got engaged this week. On an outdoor balcony under the stars and a heart shaped arch made of red balloons, no less.

Rating: Congratulations, Jonathan!

Kyle Kuzma

Kuz has been putting brush to canvas at a blurring rate this week. First, he went all in and then half in on an anime character — Naruto? Sorry but I’m literally 100 years old — carefully sketching an outline to paint.

When he got to the painting he did it in big sections,

But since has kind of stopped? The painting has featured in other videos of Kuzma’s as if it is finished, so maybe it is. Only an artist can truly tell when their work is done.

Kuzma then took a more abstract approach in a piece he captioned and I hope is calling, “SPLAT”.

Rating: Picasso, Maybe?

Montrezl Harrell

Trezz is a dad of his word. He picked up a very large above ground pool this week and vowed to have it set up for his kids before they woke up from their naps. Because I feel like it’s weird to post stills of kids if you don’t absolutely need to, just trust me when I say he did and his daughter was climbing a VERY tall ladder with water wings on to get in a little later.

Rating: Basically the dream of childhood.

Brandon Ingram

Ingram took a stroll down to the old concrete pier to watch some classic early riser old dude fisherman pull their catches from the water and, uh, gut them on the concrete.

Rating: He watched for a long time.

Otto Porter Jr.

Porter Jr. was once again visited by deer in his backyard and once again it isn’t clear if he welcomes or is afraid of them. In general, the wide teeth emoji can be misleading. Is it a grimace? A gleeful smile? Will report back upon next visit when hopefully a ‘moj capable of tipping the scales in either direction is thrown into the mix.

Rating: Truly unknown!

Maurice Harkless

Harkless is here with the dilemma facing many men without barbers to visit, debating the point in which facial hair becomes too long and more of a facial covering. Also appreciate the universal measurement for hair used correctly here, the length of the top section of a finger.

Rating: Two finger-lengths and Moe’s going to be in old prospector territory, three-finger lengths and he’s veering into werewolf.

Terrence Ross

Ross, seemingly sick of putting together any more jigsaw puzzles, got on a boat to take on one of man’s largest, most captivating puzzles of all: the sea.

Rating: Would you believe me if I told you all those dashes that appeared after this story did not indicate a single fish caught, or any more time spent on this boat? Well you simply must.

Jarrett Allen

The sweetest prince of all, Jarrett Allen, took safely to Target this week. Allen wore a mask and did the self-checkout. While this news may have been initially presented on NetDaily, it was originally sent to me by tipster, James Herbert of CBS who said, “it MIGHT be the same target i went to yesterday.”

Rating: James also talked me down off a ledge of how lonely I worried Allen was after seeing him here doing the self-checkout, which is all to say that even in isolation, it takes a village — from a safe distance.

Enes Kanter

Kanter remains a player I would be absolutely more concerned about for doing things like this DAILY, if these weren’t the kinds of things I think he always wished he had more time to get around to trying. Like how some people wish they could pick up a second language, or read more books, or get into distance running, Kanter has all along been pining for the time to dump a bunch of jelly beans and gummy worms into a waffle maker and see if what comes out is edible.

Rating: Sometimes, more time isn’t always the answer.

Boris Diaw

May the force be with you, as well, Boris!

Rating: Full disclosure a few guys did Star Wars things on May 4th but the big thing to focus on here is Boris Diaw owning a lightsaber.

Channing Frye

Speaking of older guys getting into novelty items, Channing Frye got himself a kind of hog the likes of which flattops everywhere have never seen but would be more than pleased to accept given the even weight distribution a vehicle like this would offer. You don’t burn rubber on something like this so much as travel at a comfortable pace down side streets to the local park or outdoor gazebo, in Crocs.

Rating: [Verse] Get your lawnmower motor runnin’/head out on the dirt packed alley/Lookin’ for optimal back support/And whatever comes our way within reason and safe speed

[Chorus] Like a true, Channing Frye/We were born, born to be mild/We can climb one stair at a time/I never wanna pay for parking

Patrick Patterson

Here we are again at Patrick Patterson’s Ennui Corner, once featuring a pair of slow moving snails over patio tiles and now with a statement (no question mark) better fit for a teen who had to delete their Tik Tok account in front of their parents.

Rating: Gonna need more or either much less from you, Patrick!

Nick Young

This tweet is a rollercoaster except the starting point is you’re already plummeting along with your guts. You get a little breather but it’s in the form of you choking out a desperate, “WHAT?”, fearing the worst. You judder into an abrupt stop. You let yourself try on a smile. The smile immediately flips to a frown. The Swaggy P Experience.

Rating: Disney, patent this ride!

PAUL PIERCE’S PLACE

Uhhh, absolutely no truths to report from The Truth this week, which is worrying considering he’s splitting his time between breaking and entering onto closed beaches, bobbing around in one pool or another, or attempting aimless, no handed bike rides he does not look fully confident on. Please check in soon, Paul!

And of course people had thoughts on that.

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Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is the best comic book movie of the 2010s for many reasons. It’s a visual treat, and it has a great soundtrack, and it’s a blast seeing the different Spider-heroes together. There’s Miles Morales and Peter Parker, as well as Spider-Woman, Spider-Man Noir, Spider-Ham, and Peni Parker. But if the creative team had their way, Spider-Verse would have also included every big-screen Spider-Man.

During a Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse tweet-along on Wednesday, producer Chris Miller (of The Lego Movie directors Lord and Miller fame) revealed that the film’s writers and producers pitched a post-credits scene with Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man, Tobey Maquire; the forgotten Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield; and the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s Spider-Man, Tom Holland. But Sony passed on the idea, calling it “too soon.”

Maybe in the sequel? And at least we still got John Mulaney as a talking pig slash spider spoofing Porky Pig, although even that was a months-long conversation that could have resulted in a lawsuit. “Whether Spider-Ham was allowed to say that legally was a real question for several months,” Miller tweeted, referring to Spider-Ham’s “that’s all folks” goodbye, “but thankfully we have a good relationship with our friends at Warner Bros.”

In other Spider-Man news, happy birthday to this important performance.

(Via Collider)

Orville Peck toured the US last summer, and with him, he brought Montreal-based folk artist Le Ren (real name Lauren Spear). The tour helped her establish a US fan base, and up-and-comer has made her voice heard, so much so that it was announced today she is Secretly Canadian’s newest signee. She marked the occasion by releasing a video for “Love Can’t Be The Only Reason To Stay,” a brief, delicate, and restful folk gem.

Le Ren announced the signing earlier today, writing, “I am very excited to announce that @secretlycanadian has done me the great honour of WELCOMING ME ONTO THEIR LABEL !! With that comes the relaunch of my song Love Can’t Be The Only Reason To Stay. I wrote this song to get me through hard times (aka getting tossed about by love). It feels good to set it free. I hope it makes you feel something.”

While this song will be many music fans’ introduction to Le Ren, her fans already know the tune well. In fact, she previously released this exact video in February of 2019, as the song appeared on her self-released 2018 EP Songs I Oughta Sing (hence why Le Ren referred to the song’s release as a “relaunch”). Regardless, the lovely tune is a fitting way for Secretly Canadian to introduce their new not-so-secretly Canadian talent to the world.

By the way, she’s also a delightful Twitter presence.

Watch the “Love Can’t Be The Only Reason To Stay” video above.

The late-1990s Pacers are just one of a slew of great teams that have become forgotten to history because they could not overcome Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls. Begin in the Eastern Conference at this time was just a bad draw, but the Pacers came awfully close to ending the Bulls’ dynasty when they Chicago to a Game 7 in 1998, the season chronicled in The Last Dance. In a new episode of Detail on ESPN+, those Pacers’ floor general and current ESPN broadcaster Mark Jackson broke the back-and-forth game down for us.

As with the Dennis Rodman episode from last week, what comes across immediately is the reverence Jackson has for Jordan. The media buzz around The Last Dance has provided incredible insight into just how many people Jordan touched, even among the elite players and coaches who competed against him. Jackson has every right to be angry that Jordan is a big reason he never won a championship, yet all Jackson can do is praise him.

Breaking down a dribble drive from Jordan from the top of the key, Jackson explains a pass fake as Jordan telling poor Travis Best to “mind his own business,” and then replays the whole thing to marvel at Jordan’s fadeaway over the arms of Derrick McKey.

Jackson also shows how Indiana actually got off to a good start thanks to Dale Davis and Rick Smits making plays from the post, but how Scottie Pippen turned the tide of the game in the first half. After Pippen forces two straight Pacers turnovers, Jackson says, “this is suicide when it comes to winning a Game 7 on the road: unforced errors.” These Bulls had a way of making basketball feel like a zero-sum game for opponents.

“Yeah, you could say it’s a lot of contact, but it’s 1998,” Jackson says. “This is a different brand of basketball.”

In the same vein, Jackson breaks down how Reggie Miller was able to overcome Pippen’s defense over the course of the game. Pippen stalks Miller all game, so Miller begins using Pippen’s aggressiveness against him, faking and using misdirection to get open. By engaging Miller in the offense, the Pacers are also able to force Pippen off of Jackson himself, making their halfcourt sets smoother without Pippen in the face of the point guard.

But look, this isn’t all just nerdy basketball jargon from Jackson. The analyst who invented “Mama, there goes that man” can’t help himself but turn up the flair dial to 11 here and there. Early in the fourth quarter, the Pacers cut the lead, but without Miller on the floor, Jordan goes into attack mode to try to end the game early.

After a classic driving dunk from His Airness, Jackson quips, “Jordan, doing what Jordan does best, turns the corner, tongue wagging out, answers the call. That’s called greatness.” Cue the commercial break and NBA on ESPN soundtrack.

With the score tied at 79 with about five minutes to go, Jackson shows how poor rebounding killed Indiana late. Then he throws out a Pat Riley truism: “No rebounds, no rings.” The disappointment of the loss starts to come through from Jackson here.

Ron Harper pressures Jackson with under two minutes to go and the Pacers unable to get within one basket.

“That’s bad basketball,” Jackson says. “That’s careless point guard play.”

Ultimately, the Pacers lost by five and wouldn’t make it to the Finals until 2000, by which point a new Phil Jackson-led dynasty was in place, and another superstar tandem was on its way to a three-peat in Los Angeles. Mark Jackson never got his ring, and though he still gets hung up on the “bad basketball” he played in crunch time in 1998, he truly could chalk up his poor title luck to bad timing.

While an unlikely choice to host Detail and break down the Bulls having of course never played with Jordan, Jackson is nevertheless enlightening. Hearing him break down what it was like to take on Jordan, Pippen and the Triangle shows how well-oiled the machine was by 1998, even for a confident veteran group like Jackson’s Pacers.

The landscape for TV programming tied to pro wrestling continues to expand. Not only do multiple networks air wrestling shows from numerous promotions weekly, we’ve also seen a slew of WWE-themed spinoff reality shows on basic cable channels E! and USA such as Miz & Mrs. and Total Divas. (That doesn’t even include online shows like the Quibi-exclusive Fight Like A Girl or YouTube talk show The Bump.)

Now, yet another cable channel is throwing their hat into the ring, as today, A&E announced their expanded partnership with WWE alongside the renewal of Live PD and the announcement of a Jeff Foxworthy-hosted auction show What’s It Worth? Live. The companies had already agreed last year to put together five episodes of Biography on five WWE legends, Randy Savage, Roddy Piper, Booker T, Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels. Adding to their combined plate is a show with the working title The Quest For Lost WWE Treasures, which will follow Stephanie McMahon and Triple H across the country as they track down rare WWE memorabilia and collectibles previously lost to time. The one-hour series has received a 10-episode order.

According to Deadline, WWE Studios is producing the program with Susan Levison and Ben Zierten as WWE’s executive producers alongside A&E’s Elaine Frontain Bryant, Dolores Gavin and Jonathan Partridge. Frontain Bryant had this to say about the partnership:

“A&E has always been on the forefront in bringing new nonfiction formats to television, most recently evidenced in the live space. We are proud to not only continue this success with additional episodes of the groundbreaking live documentary series ‘Live PD‘ but to also expand into new horizons with a never-before-attempted live television auction with ‘What’s It Worth? Live.’ These must-see live series coupled with our growing partnership with WWE and the evolution of the premium ‘Biography’ brand position A&E for continued growth in the year to come.”

There are no air dates scheduled for The Quest For Lost WWE Treasures or any of the WWE Biography episodes yet.

Soccer Mommy released their acclaimed sophomore record Color Theory in late February. But, along with other artists, the band’s album promotion was thrown off the rails with the coronavirus outbreak. While Soccer Mommy’s tours have been put on hold, the band is giving fans a way to experience their city’s concert virtually. Soccer Mommy unveiled different 8-bit versions of a “Crawling In My Skin” video that show the band performing in 5 different cities.

Alongside the project’s release, vocalist Sophia Allison said in a statement that she hopes the videos provide enough entertainment for fans until they can tour once again. “It’s really hard having our tour be postponed because I was really excited to play all of the songs on color theory for everyone, ‘crawling in my skin’ in particular,” Allison said. “I hope this little 8-bit performance can hold everyone over until the tour can happen.”

Each 8-bit video shows the band playing in an area of the city. In Chicago, Soccer Mommy performs on top of the haunted Congress Hotel, and in Seattle, they play near the infamous Space Needle. While the videos only appear in five cities, the band is offering a downloadable package fo fans to create their own versions, whether it be in a city or in their living rooms.

This isn’t the first time Allison has combined her love of video games with her music. The singer recently cooked up a plan to host a virtual Color Theory listening party in the multiplayer game Club Penguin, which recently relaunched after it shut down in 2017. But the singer was forced to postpone the event because the site crashed after being too overloaded with users waiting to catch a glimpse of Allison’s penguin. In the end, the virtual concert was a success and over 10,000 users logged on to view it.

Watch Soccer Mommy’s Chicago “Crawling In My Skin” video above. Find her videos for Seattle, Minneapolis, Austin, and Toronto here.

Color Theory is out now via Loma Vista. Get it here.

Madden NFL 21 does not have a formal release date, but if it follows in the footsteps of its predecessors, we should expect it to be released sometime in the summer. It remains to be seen if the COVID-19 pandemic impacts that at all, but regardless, a question existed ahead of its launch: What will the game look like when Xbox Series X drops later this year?

That question got answered on Thursday morning by Kansas City Chiefs quarterback and Madden NFL 20 cover athlete Patrick Mahomes. Amid a host of other bits of news that was announced on Microsoft’s Inside Xbox live stream, the Super Bowl MVP appeared in a video to tell gamers that this year’s Madden will not only appear on the company’s latest console, but those who purchase the game for Xbox One will get it on Xbox Series X for free.

“There’s loads of Madden 21 news coming soon, and the game isn’t just about what you can see, it’s about what you can feel” Mahomes said. “But here’s the best news: When you buy Madden NFL 21 on Xbox One, you get it free on Xbox Series X.”

The video also included a few quick glimpses at the gameplay in the upcoming game, and for those of us who have been playing Madden for years, it reminded us of what past games looked like. We don’t get quite enough of what will be in there this time around — Mahomes mentioned that is on the horizon — but for now, the big news is that Xbox One won’t be the only Microsoft console that gets this year’s game.

It’s been two years since the indie-pop Brooklyn group Wet shared their sophomore record, Still Run, and the group has kept any word of a new project under wraps since. Back in February, Wet quietly unveiled the track “Still Fog.” The single was originally written to appear on their 2016 debut album but didn’t fit either record properly. Now, the band returns with another hushed release. The Brooklyn trio shares the comforting track “Come To You.”

“Come To You” opens with moody synths and slight percussive elements, leaving room for vocalist Kelly Zutrau’s earnest musings to stand at the track’s forefront. To write the single, Zutrau teamed up with producer DJ Dahi, who has previously worked with the likes of Dr. Dre, Mac Miller, and 21 Savage. “We both know what it’s like to need someone too much / And you know what it’s like to be left on your own / No one told you that someone could just come and change your world,” Zutrau sings.

With the debut of “Come To You,” the band has still yet to confirm their third record. But the single arrives as a promising signal that the group is back in the studio.

Listen to Wet’s “Come To You” above.

Revisit Uproxx’s review of Still Run here.

Previously on the Ins and Outs of AEW Dynamite: Lance Archer turned Dustin Rhodes inside out to send a message to Cody, Dr. Britt Baker hung up inspirational posters of herself in her own office, and Vickie Guerrero of all people won an app-based “Manitoba Melee.” Let the record books show that Vickie has victories over both Jay AND Silent Bob.

If you’d like to keep up with this column and its thinly veiled Best and Worst format, you can keep tabs on the Ins and Outs of AEW Dynamite tag page. You can keep track of all things All Elite here.

Follow With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter, where everything and everyone is terrible.

And now, the Ins and Outs of All Elite Wrestling Dynamite for May 6, 2020.

All In: The Secretly Evil (?) Cody Rhodes

One of my favorite ongoing undercurrents of a story is the notion that hero of the people and Face That Runs The Place, Cody Rhodes, is actually secretly evil. It makes sense if you think about it. I’m not sure I can have a cork board ready with all the connections I’ve made — CAROL! CAROL! — but let’s break it down.

A lot of people cut promos on Cody, but the three major, ongoing contributions come from MJF, Shawn Spears, and Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts. MJF was Cody’s right hand man for a while but turned his back on him, with the rationale being that MJF was never Cody’s friend, and was just coattail-riding him to the top. There’s another possible explanation, though … MJF WAS Cody’s friend. The evil Cody. The “American Nightmare” who was (kayfabe) one of the worst people on Earth during his time in New Japan. The guy who spent most of his time in WWE either chilling with Randy Orton, teaming up with bottom-feeder Damien Sandow, or wearing a protective mask like he’s the Phantom of the Opera and putting paper bags on people’s heads. He’s been a bad guy more than he’s been good, and I think that’s what MJF latched onto. I think MJF was just waiting for Cody to flip the switch and reveal his wicked master plan, but Cody got too into the positive crowd reactions and the day-to-day operations of setting up a televised wrestling promotion and forgot to do it. MJF betrayed him, and then spent a long time trying to goad Cody into doing the worst things at the worst times. It’s like he secretly still believes in his friend’s capacity for terribleness.

Spears has had beef with Cody since that time he tried to cave in Cody’s skull with a steel chair. Cody’s victories over Spears pushed him to the bottom of the card where he languished among the Librarians and Brandon Cutlers of the roster, trying to find a tag team partner to face other tag teams on the pre-show. Spears and Cody had a match in the first round of the TNT Championship Tournament, however, and it was Spears’ best performance in ages. He followed that up by busting out the best looking Sharpshooter we’ve seen on TV since Bret stopped doing it, and now he’s got enough confidence to start sticking his nose back into Cody’s business.

For example, this promo.

In it, Spears rationally explains how the person responsible for Dustin Rhodes’ massacre at the hands of Lance Archer is Cody, and Cody alone. Dustin’s out there just trying to do his job and stick up for his little brother. QT Marshall’s at ringside trying to throw in the towel, because he doesn’t want to see his tag team partner and friend’s face get turned into hamburger meat by a crazy person. But Cody showed up and prevented the towel from being thrown. Cody’s the reason Archer’s on this rampage in the first place, because he wouldn’t just give Archer a match. And speaking of that …

Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts makes it very clear that Cody is “Caesar;” a flawed, opportunistic leader who purports to promote the interests of the people but is really only in it for himself. Roberts’ client, Lance Archer, wants a match against Cody. What does Cody do? The honorable babyface thing of, “I never back down from a challenge, how about we do it RIGHT HERE TONIGHT?” Nope. He says Lance needs to prove himself in AEW and can’t just waltz in and start challenging the top stars. Then he goes on Dark to wrestle Joe Alonzo and spends his off weeks from the TNT Championship Tournament wrestling Joey Janela, who is a challenge, sure, but not exactly Lance fucking Archer.

Archer has a match against QT Marshall, which plays into Archer’s quest to outright murder everyone Cody cares about, and is comparable to a fully grown rhinoceros fighting your grandmother. Archer turns apples into apple juice, and when Dr. Britt takes shoe-related matters into her own hands and lays out Brandi Rhodes, Jake Roberts can execute the next step in his plan. Archer can’t beat Brandi bloody and claw her to death, that’d be overkill … but they can bring back Jake’s old standby and humiliate her by planking over her unconscious body and letting a snake crawl over her. And where was Cody when his wife was out here five feet away from a guy who wants to kill him, an evil mastermind, a belligerent dentist, and a literal jungle predator? Not there. JR tries to explain that the locker rooms are far away from the ring because of social distancing, but bruh, even Goldberg with a police escort could’ve gotten out there in time to at least save face and run them off.

Anyway, I’m not saying Cody’s actually evil, necessarily, but I love that they’ve given us enough character development and played on observable character histories enough to let me think about it, and back it up. It’s hella preferable to the alternative, which is Cody losing to Archer on Dynamite four weeks in a row and then pinning him at Double or Nothing, and everyone being a cardboard cut-out.

All In: Wyatts Vs. Shield Forever

While we’re on the topic of reformed bad guys being hunted down and exposed by their old adversaries, here’s AEW World Champion Jon Moxley being attacked by The Exalted One Mr. Brodie Lee, breaker of chains and mother of dragons, after a match against Frankie Kazarian. The match is really good, actually, but the fact that the highlight video begins with the last move of the match should show you how much drama was involved. Mox going out here and doing his best to prop up guys who desperately need it deserves just as much credit as what Cody’s doing.

Anyway, I’m not sure what I find more entertaining … the fact that a former member of the Wyatt Family built his own cult, Gretchen from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt-style, and is using it to attack a former member of The Shield, or the fact that a guy with a Vince McMahon gimmick is out here making Jon Moxley’s life miserable. There’s meta, and then there’s meta.

Jobbers Of The Week

Nyla Rose figuratively and literally squashes 18-year old Kane student (no, seriously) Kenzie Paige in this week’s one women’s division match. Hikaru Shida makes concerned faces during the finish, and Kris Statlander makes an aggressive face and gesture afterward. It’s a delightful trouncing, but I sincerely wish the women’s division could get a story better than, “here is the champion, and the champion has a couple of challengers, I don’t know.” Even the NFL films video package about the division is basically just like, “here are the wrestlers!” They aren’t doing anything, though. Why is Britt Baker the only person in the division allowed to have character development?

All In: Golf Cat Attacks, Scissor Lift Moonsaults, And Ice Chest Transformations

Last and certainly not least we have the falls count anywhere street fight teaming Matt Hardy and the guy named after Matt Hardy’s old wrestling promotion against Le Sex Gods. It’s the perfect main event to celebrate the show’s return to Daily’s Place — not exactly a civic center full of fans, but we’ll take what we can get — and to play on the company’s obsession with having matches wander into that concourse. They fight in that thing so often it might as well be a selectable arena in the AEW video game.

Highlights from the match include Chris Jericho doing an impersonation of the Wicked Witch of the West while wearing a traffic cone on his head, Sammy Guevara getting brain-busted by a golf cart piloted by a 3,000 year old spirit, and Kenny Omega achieving Bad News Barrett’s ultimate form by hitting a picture-perfect moonsault off a scissor lift. Holy shit, though.

Also of note, Matt Hardy does multiple character transformations during the match, going from Broken Matt to classic Hardy Boyz Matt by getting abandoned in the entrance tunnel, and transforming again into DAMASCUS because he got trapped in an ice chest. WONDERFUL. Le Sex Gods end up winning, however, because of the damned numbers game. Santana, Ortiz, and a boat-ready Jake Hager show up to make it a 5-on-2 attack, and Jericho’s able to powerbomb Omega on the top of the cart and pin him. The Young Bucks, per commentary, are at home due to COVID concerns. Hangman Page smartly bailed on this pandemic shit RIGHT AWAY.

Cody’s still chilling in the back, though. [shifty eyes]

All In: Top 10 comments Of The Week

TheGreenMiles

Cannot overstate how much I love AEW. It’s by & for people who love wrestling & pay attention to what makes it great.

The Voice of Raisin

Sammy Guevara graduated from the Prometheus School of Running Away From Things.
*Ding*

Mr. Bliss

Woj just tweeted that AEW is opening an investigation to see if Spears was using the airhorn to tell the heels when to swing.

dannibalcorpse

TRB

The one Dark Order guy with his shirt off is like when the enemies start to get harder in a 90s beat em up game

Statlander not wearing a space suit to protect herself at ringside feels like a swing & a miss

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

I just want to point out that Dr Britt Baker DMD got her shoe back. A national disaster was averted.

AddMayne

Spears really shouldn’t wear a shirt that says “HEATLESS”

Wendell Baugh

Britt gave Brandi a DDT before feeding her to Jake Roberts. Nice one, doc.

JayBone2

Pineapple Pete vs. Jericho

Additional Notes

• Yes, I already miss Chris Jericho on commentary.
• There should be an AEW Ben and Jerry’s flavor called “Chris Jeri-cone.”
• The best commentary moment of the night is Excalibur laughing for real when Matt Hardy yelled “I NEED YOU TO DOC-UMENT THESE EVENTS” from the driver’s seat of a golf cart
• I hope Darby Allin’s not depressed. I don’t want him to go FULL skeleton face. He already looks too much like the I Like Turtles kid.
• MJF having a face mask in the same print as his one Burberry scarf is pretty funny
• Also, MJF as the most (delightfully) derivative heel of a generation claiming to be the first of his kind is really entertaining. You can go far with Chris Jericho’s scarf, The Rock’s Nation of Domination haircut, and a prodigious talent for having no filter and saying the meanest possible thing you can think every second you’re awake
• anyway, he’s great and I love his ending to Fight Club Zoom background

That does it for this week’s column. Thanks for reading about Dynamite! Leave us a comment below, give the column a share on social media, and make sure you’re back here next week for a stacked card featuring MJF, Brodie Lee vs. Christopher Daniels, Best Friends vs. Jurassic Express, Penelope Ford versus Hikaru Shida versus Kris Statlander versus Hateful Dentist, and the epic confrontation between Chris Jericho and Pineapple Pete. See you then.