The biggest problem with Slow Horses is the title. It just doesn’t sound exciting. It sounds like the title of a boring eight-part documentary about a ranch owner from the 1920s, or the title of a movie about a thoroughbred breeder who is in too deep to the mob and is trying to race his way out of it but is just outrageously bad at his job, which, now that I type it out, actually doesn’t sound too bad. Stephen Root would be involved somehow, maybe as a lawyer or scummy track owner, definitely with a thin little mustache. Either way, the important thing is that Slow Horses — the real show, not the made-up one I’m still talking myself into — is kind of a blast.
Background, quickly: Slow Horses is a spy show on Apple TV that just wrapped up its third season, with a fourth and fifth already on the way. The characters are mostly bumbling goofs who have been relegated to a post called Slough House, which, between a play on words and the fact that they are the “slow horses” compared to their thoroughbred peers, is where the show gets its name. Their leader is a man named Jackson Lamb, who:
- Is a legendary spy who is great at his job but is also a mess of a human who drinks too much and is rude and cranky and ends up stuck in this dump of an assignment, which he kind of secretly loves
- Is played by Gary Oldman, who appears to be having the time of his life
- Occasionally farts himself awake
Here, look.
It’s all just lovely. Each season is six episodes long and focuses on a distinct mystery or conspiracy and is full of little twists and turns and double-crosses. Sometimes there are stolen diamonds. Sometimes the slow horses will reveal themselves to be drug addicts or gambling addicts and it’ll muck everything up for a little. Sometimes you’ll be watching someone do something and assume they’re taking a brave and bold stance for righteousness and then realize they’ve been manipulated into accidentally doing the bidding of someone smarter and more conniving than they are.
This last thing is especially true of one of the main characters, the grandson of a famous spy whose name is River and is the handsomest and sweetest and dumbest boy alive. He’s always charging into a situation to save the day and you can occasionally be fooled into thinking he’s onto something because he’s very pretty and confident — Raylan Givens Syndrome — and then he’ll end up bungling about and flailing in the wind like a loose napkin. It’s great.
Also great: The show has a way, at times, of being delightfully satisfying. Not always, to be sure, as some of it is cynical and ugly and features powerful people succeeding for selfish reasons. But sometimes the show will introduce a character who is despicable and smug and awful and you’ll spend a few episodes wanting them to get comeuppance in some way and then they’ll go ahead and give you just that. Like, look at this guy…
I’m sure this actor is a very nice man who is loved by his family and friends but you will rarely see a television character who is more punchable. This sounds mean. I know. I’m not even a violent person. But watch the show and any scene with him in it and I promise you’ll agree. You’ll be sitting at home saying “God, I hope this idiot gets played or shot or punched in the face,” and then, sure enough, all of those things will happen. Again, very satisfying.
Same with this guy.
Previous caveats apply again, the ones about the actor probably being a nice man. But also, come on. The character is a smug power broker who thinks he’s smarter than everyone and all you’ll want is to see him get ruined. To see that face covered in sadness and shame as he’s outwitted by the very people he just sneered at. You’ll get that, too. It’ll feel great.
Add it all up and you have maybe the most bingeable show I’ve seen in a year or two. I say this because I just spent the holidays binging seasons two and three and I enjoyed it a lot. There’s a solid mixture of fun and action and cliffhangers that meld together in a way that plays well in a lengthy clump of viewing. The action shifts from cold office buildings staffed with stuffed shirts to rural airfields staffed by Russian double agents to bars staffed by crusty bartenders. Everyone is always up to something in ways you don’t always see coming. The very British six-episode seasons help, too, because you can rip through an entire story from beginning to end in a single cloudy winter weekend. Once again, satisfying.
Please hear me out on this one. Try to get past the title. Pretend it has a different one if it helps. Let’s go with The Misadventures of the Farting and Bumbling Spies. That could work. It would be accurate if nothing else. I really cannot stress in strong enough terms how much farting there is. It is easily the best show I’ve ever seen that contains this much flatulence. Between that and the stolen diamonds and the double-crosses and the detestable people getting wrecked by their own egos and/or other people’s fists, I mean…
What else could you ask for out of a little binge, you know?
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Super Nintendo Chalmers
