Anyone who has lived in the U.S. with a nontraditionally American name knows how hard it can be to get some people to pronounce your name correctly.
My husband’s name is Javad, which is only two syllables and objectively not hard to say (juh-VAHD), but I’ve watched many people mutilate it over the years even after being given the correct pronunciation. I remember one time watching him introduce himself to a man clearly and slowly—twice—and the man still called him “Bob,” like he couldn’t even digest this name he’d never heard before, much less pronounce it.
As a kid, at the beginning of every school year or every time a substitute teacher came around, it was common for my husband to have to correct the pronunciation of his name. Not the end of the world, but annoying. I can’t imagine how much more annoying it is for people with longer names that aren’t familiar to many American ears.
A video of a teacher mispronouncing every student’s name has gotten a huge response on Reddit, presumably for the humor of it. The names she reads off the attendance list are ones that are common enough in the U.S. that pronunciation normally wouldn’t be an issue—Luke, Jacob and Hunter, for example. But she manages to bungle them anyway—yes, even Luke—and it is genuinely funny.
But saying Luke as “Luck” and Hunter as “Hoonter” did more than just give her students a giggle. It also puts every student on the same playing field. If there were students in her class with less common names that might easily be mispronounced, they now find themselves in the same shoes as all of their classmates. They no longer stand out as “the kid with the name the teacher didn’t know how to pronounce.”
If every kid has to correct the teacher, then doing so is no big deal. No one is “othered” by it. It’s just a funny thing they all do. And it also gives the teacher a chance to hear each kid’s name from their own mouth instead of trying to read it off a list without ever hearing it.
The only risk here is accidentally pronouncing an unfamiliar name correctly the first time, but that seems unlikely. And it actually would probably just add another layer of humor to the already light atmosphere. Because a teacher mispronouncing a student’s name can have a lasting impact, it’s important to do what we can to keep it from happening.
The thing about unfamiliar names is that they usually aren’t as hard to pronounce as people make them out to be. They’re simply unfamiliar.
I mean, if we can pronounce Beethoven (which doesn’t look like it sounds), Tchaikovsky (which has all those consonants) and Dostoyevsky (which has four syllables) without even thinking about it, we can learn to pronounce any name. In fact, Nigerian actress Uzo Aduba illustrated this exact point in a story about how her last name always made her the first kid in roll call and she was concerned that no one knew how to pronounce her name right. Her mother reassured her, “If they can learn to say Tchaikovsky and Michelangelo and Dostoyevsky, they can learn to say Uzoamaka.”
It might take some practice, and we might have to ask people’s forgiveness if it takes us a while, but it’s not impossible.
Some people in the comments on Reddit pointed out that the teacher’s roll call was an innovative way of making every student feel equally welcomed in the classroom. But even more said it reminded them of a hilarious Key & Peele skit about a hard-nosed substitute teacher mispronouncing students’ names and getting angry when they corrected him.
A bit of a language warning in case you have little ones around, but it’s great if you haven’t seen it. You’ll never see the name “Blake” the same way again.
There are some people who live under the illusion that everything they say is deeply interesting and have no problem wasting your time by rambling on and on without a sign of stopping. They’re the relative, neighbor or co-worker who can’t take a hint that the conversation is over.
Of all these people, the co-worker who can’t stop talking may be the most challenging because you see them every day in a professional setting that requires politeness.
There are many reasons that some people talk excessively. Therapist F. Diane Barth writes in Psychology Today that some people talk excessively because they don’t have the ability to process complex auditory signals, so they ramble on without recognizing the subtle cues others are sending.
It may also be a case of someone who thinks they’re the most interesting person in the conversation.
For others, it’s a symptom of a disorder. Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, a licensed marriage and family therapist, writes that excessive talking can also be a symptom of, among other things, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or anxiety.
“Anxiety can cause someone to speak excessively,” Brooten-Brooks writes at Very Well Health. “While many with social anxiety may avoid social interactions, some may inadvertently talk excessively when in social situations out of nervousness and anxiety.”
So what do we do when we’re stuck in a situation where someone just keeps talking? A Reddit user by the name of Spritti33 asked for some advice about how to “politely end a conversation with a person who won’t stop talking” and received some very practical and funny responses from members of the online forum.
A lot of folks pointed out that it’s not impolite to walk away from a person who is incessantly talking because they are being rude by disrespecting your time. Others shared how, in some cultures, there are ways of shutting down a conversation while allowing both parties to save face.
Here are 19 of the best responses to Spritti33’s question, “How does someone politely end a conversation with a person who won’t stop talking?”
1.
“In Flanders we have a word for it, ‘bon,’ and then you say something ‘I have work to do,’ ‘It’s time to go home,’ ‘It’s time to get drinks.’ And people realize the other person wants to leave without being mean,” — ISuckAtRacingGames
2.
“In Ireland we do like a little clap/slap our thigh/clap the person’s shoulder and say ‘Right! Shur look, I’ll let you go…’ as if we’re being polite and letting the other person off the hook, but actually, it’s like get me the fuck out of here haha!” —funky_mugs
3.
“If they keep talking over polite cues, I have found there really isn’t a polite way to exit the conversation,” — Binder_Grinder
4.
“This is so true. People that do this don’t care whether you’re into the conversation or not, they’re talking simply because they want to. I’ve gotten better at just interjecting (even mid-sentence if I’ve already tried everything else) with, ‘I’m sorry, I have to go. (start walking away at this point) It was nice talking to you.’ Don’t give any excuses or reasons for leaving, just do it otherwise they’ll try to talk about your reasons.” — PSSaalamader
5.
“As a teacher, I have learned how to interrupt people who do not leave any pauses when they’re speaking: start nodding and verbally agreeing with them, ‘Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh…’ You can’t interrupt these people, but you can start agreeing while they speak, then raise your voice and say, ‘Yeah, wow, excuse me but I must go,'” — Janicegirlbomb2
6.
“Remember that it is them who is being impolite by talking incessantly about things of no interest to their audience,” — Orp4mmws99
7.
“Source: am a therapist. What you do is recap their last story and in the same breath add a goodbye.
I.e. ‘Sounds like you guys found a bunch of great deals at the mall, that’s awesome! Thanks for meeting with me, you’ll have to tell me more next time we run into each other. It was great to catch up!'” — pikcles-for-fingers
8.
“Just start coughing these days it’ll clear a whole room in seconds,” — Sinisterpigeon
9.
“People who are like this expect folks to just walk away from them while they are talking because that’s the only way the conversation ends. It’s not rude to them, it’s normal. So, it’s entirely okay to say, ‘all right this has been great, see you later,’ and then just walk away smiling,” — Underlord_Fox
10.
“If you can practice this, start to train one of your eyeballs to slowly drift off whilst the other eye remains locked on theirs. That should do the trick,” — The-Zesty-Man
11.
“At 62, I just walk away. My bullshit filter has disappeared,” — Negative_Increase
12.
“You gotta realize that everyone else they talk to just walks away. They’re used to that. They think a conversation is you just talk at someone til they walk away. It’s not weird to them,” — DelsmagicFishies
13.
“I don’t know why some people are so afraid of this. It is not rude. You don’t need to lie. ‘We can speak more other time. Goodbye,’ is fine,” — Kooky-Housing3049
14.
“On a more serious note, I typically do an ‘oh shit’ type of face like I’ve just remembered I had something important scheduled. I say ‘Sorry, what time is it? check the time Ah crap, I hate to cut you off but if I don’t head out now I’m going to be late for ____.’ Then I scurry away like I’m really in a rush. If you’re in a situation where you can’t straight up leave, I swap ‘gotta head out’ for ‘I told someone I’d call them at [time] and they’re waiting on my call’ and then make a fake phone call,” — teethfairie
15.
“‘Wow, you have a lot of opinions about this subject…’ and then never stop angling the conversation back to how weird it is that they’re still talking,” — Ordsmed
16.
“Had a friend who would put his hand gently on your shoulder and kindly say, ‘I love you , but I just don’t care, good (night/day),'” — Think-Passage-5522
17.
“While not exactly polite, my Aunt Sophie had a great way of ending a conversation. When the monologue got too much she would nod her head like she was listening and then at the slightest pause she would go, ‘The end.’ And walk away.
She mostly did it with kids who didn’t realize they were yabbering on about Thundercats too long. (It was me, I was yabbering on about Thundercats too long.)” — theslackjaw727
18.
”Change your stance, instead of facing them head on turn 90° your body language will end the conversation quickly without being rude,” — Zedd2087
19.
“Where possible, I’ve always found it best to tell these people up front that you have somewhere to be 15, 30, 45, etc minutes from now. If that’s not realistic, I’ve found that if you can usually find a gap to say you need to run if you focus on doing only this for 3-5 minutes,” — Pretend_Airline2811
Dr. Daniel Mansfield and his team at the University of New South Wales in Australia have just made an incredible discovery. While studying a 3,700-year-old tablet from the ancient civilization of Babylon, they found evidence that the Babylonians were doing something astounding: trigonometry!
Most historians have credited the Greeks with creating the study of triangles’ sides and angles, but this tablet presents indisputable evidence that the Babylonians were using the technique 1,500 years before the Greeks ever were.
Mansfield and his team are, understandably, incredibly proud. What they discovered is that the tablet is actually an ancient trigonometry table.
“The huge mystery, until now, was its purpose – why the ancient scribes carried out the complex task of generating and sorting the numbers on the tablet. Our research reveals that Plimpton 322 describes the shapes of right-angle triangles using a novel kind of trigonometry based on ratios, not angles and circles. It is a fascinating mathematical work that demonstrates undoubted genius.”
u201cAussie mathematician cracks code of famous 3,700-year-old Babylonian clay tablet https://t.co/f7h6oIfBDru201d
— China Xinhua News (@China Xinhua News) 1503639811
“The tablet not only contains the world’s oldest trigonometric table; it is also the only completely accurate trigonometric table, because of the very different Babylonian approach to arithmetic and geometry. This means it has great relevance for our modern world. Babylonian mathematics may have been out of fashion for more than 3,000 years, but it has possible practical applications in surveying, computer graphics and education. This is a rare example of the ancient world teaching us something new.”
The tablet predates Greek astronomer Hipparchus, who has long been regarded as the father of trigonometry. Mansfield’s colleague, Norman Widberger, added:
“Plimpton 322 predates Hipparchus by more than 1,000 years. It opens up new possibilities not just for modern mathematics research, but also for mathematics education. With Plimpton 322 we see a simpler, more accurate trigonometry that has clear advantages over our own.”
“A treasure trove of Babylonian tablets exists, but only a fraction of them have been studied yet. The mathematical world is only waking up to the fact that this ancient but very sophisticated mathematical culture has much to teach us.”
People were understandably excited by the news.
u201cA 3,700 year olf Babylonian tablet revealed as the world’s first trigonometry table https://t.co/AQlpsndM92u201d
But all in all, Twitter users were pretty impressed with the Babylonians’ skills.
And they figured it out 3,700 years ahead of me…and counting.— Marty (@Marty) 1503631905
u201c@prophiphop And we’re over here trying to figure out how to do trig with our TI-83s… man I love it when the ancients show what real intelligence is.u201d
Imagine deciding to take up a hobby that usually requires many years to perfect at age 35, and three years later ending up in the top 30 in the world at the highest international competition for it.
That’s what happened to a 38-year-old math and physics teacher from Diepenbeek, Belgium. According to Netherlands News Live, Mieke Gorissen has jogged 10km (a little over six miles) a few times a week for exercise for many years. But in 2018, she decided to hire a running trainer to improve her technique. As it turned out, she was a bit of a natural at distance running.
Three years later, Gorissen found herself running her third marathon. But not just any old marathon (as if there were such a thing)—the marathon at the Tokyo Olympics. And not only did she compete with the world’s most elite group of runners, she came in 28th out of the 88 competing in the race.
With the heat and humidity in Tokyo, even completing the race was a major accomplishment. (Fifteen women competing did not finish the marathon.) But to come in in the top 30 when you just started focusing on distance running three years ago? Unbelievable.
In fact, Gorissen could hardly believe it herself. A video of her reaction upon hearing her results has gone viral for its purity and genuine humility. “No,” she said when a reporter told her she came in 28th in the race. “That’s not possible.”
Then she burst into tears.
Her emotional disbelief is so moving. “I was already happy to finish the race,” she said through sobs. “I do think I have reached my goal and that I can be happy.”
“I also think I lost a toenail,” she added, laughing.
Even after the English translation ends in the video, it’s clear how much this finish meant to her. A remarkable accomplishment for a 38-year-old who knits and reads for fun and who has only run two marathons prior to competing in the Olympics.
According to her Olympic profile, she’s glad she got started with distance running later in life. “If I started running in my teens, it wouldn’t have been good for me,” she said. “I wasn’t really happy then, I would have been too hard on myself and I would have lost myself in it in a way that wasn’t healthy. It came at exactly the right time.”
Congratulations, Mieke. You’ve given us all the inspiration to set new goals and dream bigger than we ever thought possible.
To help you decide which malted barley juice you should buy at this price point, I’m going to list 10 bottles of the good stuff that clock in between $100 and $125. For this list, I’ve ranked the ten bottles according to my professional opinion as a spirits judge and whiskey critic. All of these whiskies have great merit, but some are a little more on the mixing side of things than the “wow!” sipping side.
My advice is to read through my tasting notes and find something that speaks to you, something that excites you, and something that feels fresh. Then click on those price links to see if you can get that bottle in your stomping grounds.
Also Read: The Top 5 UPROXX Scotch Whisky Posts of The Last Six Months
Yes, Scotch whisky has celebrity white-labeled brands too. This one comes from Outlander star Sam Heughan. The whisky’s recipe/build is under wraps so there’s not much more to say besides that Sam Heughan is not simply slapping his name on a bottle. He’s fully involved in the process as a deeply caring whisky fan who wants to put something special on the shelf.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Lemon drops and Almond Joys drive the nose with a hint of honey, bourbon vanilla, and dried apricot.
Palate: That apricot gets leathery on the palate as the malts arrive with plenty of honey and cinnamon-forward spice next to a hint of eggnog nutmeg.
Finish: The finish is concise with a little cinnamon, honey, and almond rounding things out.
Bottom Line:
This is a classic blended Scotch whisky from top to bottom. I tend to like it over a big rock on a slow afternoon. It also works wonders in a simple whisky-forward cocktail.
9. Auchentoshan Single Malt Scotch Whisky Three Wood
Auchentoshan is a great example of a Lowland malt that harkens back to the old days of varied oak aging. In this case, the triple-distilled whisky is aged in ex-bourbon oak for around 12 years and then is finished in Olorosso and Pedro Ximenez sherry casks.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: There’s a fruitiness on the nose that speaks to blue and blackberries with slight tartness next to orange oils and a hint of prune.
Palate: The taste has a toffee-covered-in-almond vibe, next to more of that dark fruit with an almost maple syrup spiked with woody cinnamon sticks vibe (hello, bourbon barrel).
Finish: The end is surprisingly light, a little woody, and full of plenty of those berries as it slowly fades out.
Bottom Line:
This is a fruity and sweet malt that’s just easygoing. It’s well-rounded and leaves you satisfied. That said, I’d lean more toward sipping this in a subtle cocktail.
Master blender Stephanie Macleod created another masterpiece through this “Double Double” four-step aging process. Step one is aging single malt and single grain whiskies for 27 long years. The malts are then blended, the grains are blended, and they both rest again. Next, all of that is blended together in a vat and rested. Finally, the whisky is finished in ex-Palo Cortado sherry casks.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: You can really tell this has an Aberfeldy backbone with a floral honeyed nose that imbues summer breezes full of fragrant flowers.
Palate: That floral honey leads to an almost lemon-honey vibe with hints of cinnamon and cedar next to light pear tobacco and dry grass.
Finish: The end turns into pure silk as the florals, honey, pear, and spice slowly massage your tongue as it fades away.
Bottom Line:
This is an excellent blended whisky that feels original while delivering seriously deep flavor notes. This is fun to nose and sip neat as a taster, there’s a lot to find in this pour. It also works really well as a slow sipper over one large ice cube.
7. Glenmorangie A Tale Of The Forest Highland Single Malt Scotch Whisky
This new expression from Glenmorangie’s mad scientist Master Distiller Dr. Bill Lumsden is a total departure. Dr. Bill kilned the barley (the drying process during malting) with a very old-school method using local botanicals from the Highlands. The kiln was accented with a bushel of juniper berries, birch bark, and heather flowers which layered their flavor notes into the malted barley that was used to ferment the juice that eventually was distilled, aged, and bottled in the Highlands.
Tasting Note:
Nose: This lives up to its name from the jump with a nose full of dank pine resin, fresh juniper, and dry coriander with a hint of malted rye cakes and the faintest whisper of wet campfire smoke.
Palate: The palate leans into bitter burnt orange rinds with a sense of clove buds and chinotto leaves next to oolong tea leaves cut with eucalyptus and a kiss of old oak.
Finish: That old oak and tea vibe drives the finish toward a hint of spiced malt cakes and a drop of fresh honey cut with wild sage and Scotch broom flowers with a fleeting sense of that dank pine from the nose reappearing briefly.
Bottom Line:
This is funky AF. I can’t think of another whisky that tastes even remotely like this. Yet it’s somehow familiar too. It elicits this sense of home and camping out in the summer and slow summer days. If you’re looking for something 100% new, this is the play.
6. Aberfeldy Highland Single Malt Scotch Whisky 16 Years Old
Aberfeldy is at the heart of Dewar’s blend. The whisky here is a classic Highland whisky aged in American oak and finished in sherry casks. That whisky is then cut down to proof with water from Pitilie Burn, a bubbling stream with gold deposits next to the distillery.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Aberfeldy is renowned for its honeyed nature and this shines through on the nose with hints of clove-studded oranges and a touch of that sherried wood.
Palate: The palate holds onto the wet sherry wood while going full holiday cake with spices, nuts, dried and candied fruits, and a sweet maltiness.
Finish: The end reveals a mild note of bitter dark chocolate next to the honey and spices as it fades fairly quickly.
Bottom Line:
This is just quintessential Highland malt (basically the exact opposite of the previous entry). This is what you buy and pour if you’re looking for the perfect pour of something easy, sweet, and malty with real depth.
5. Highland Park 15 Years Old Viking Heart Single Malt Scotch Whisky
Highland Park’s Master Whisky Maker Gordon Motion hand-picked sherry-seasoned American oak barrels of single malt to create this new expression. The whisky is then decanted/bottled in a throwback ceramic bottle from Wade Ceramics, which has been making bottles like this since the early 1800s.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: Even though this is a peated whisky, the nose is all about bright notes of orange and lemon oils with a deep vanilla sauce vibe, a touch of dried heather, and old sticks of cider-soaked cinnamon.
Palate: The palate lets the smoke sneak in via grilled pineapple that turns towards smoked plums, soft and moist Christmas cake with plenty of dried fruits, and a sense of cinnamon-flecked tobacco leaves that have just been singed around the edges.
Finish: The peat sneaks in late via an almost sea salt element that lets the orange oils, vanilla, and cinnamon tobacco all mellow towards a silky finish.
The Bottom Line:
This feels like a peated whiskey that’s made for bourbon drinkers. The peat and fruit are there but the heavy dried fruit, dark spices, and vanilla creaminess really tie this to American whisky palates. This is the whisky you buy when you’re looking to get into subtly peated whisky with a dark underbelly.
4. Ardbeg Corryvreckan Islay Single Malt Scotch Whisky
This whisky is named after the world’s second-largest ocean whirlpool, called Corryvreckan. The whisky in the bottle is Ardbeg Ten blended with single malt that’s been aged exclusively in new French Limousin casks.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: There’s a softness on the nose that leans into dark yet slightly tart berries under layers of sharp spice, wet brown sugar, and plenty of sea salt.
Palate: The palate ups the saltiness as yellow Scotch Broom flowers mingle with creamy dark chocolate, dashes of freshly cracked black pepper, and a light hint of citrus oil.
Finish: The finish is soft and creamy thanks to that dark chocolate with mild spice cut by more sea salt and a hint of ground mushroom powder with a mossy edge.
Bottom Line:
This is a slightly more advanced expression of Ardbeg. The peaty ashiness is dialed back and replaced with earthy and umami notes with a wonderfully soft creamy texture. Overall, you don’t have to be a fan of Ardbeg to like this. It’s its own thing and a very enticing peated whisky that leans away from the ashiness of its siblings.
3. The GlenDronach Highland Single Malt Scotch Whisky Cask Strength Batch 11
The GlenDronach Cask Strength is a fantastic special release year after year. Batch 11 is another winner. The Highland whisky is matured over the years in both Pedro Ximénez and Oloroso sherry casks. When those barrels hit just the right marks, they’re batched and the whisky is bottled completely as-is.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: The nose opens with mulled red wine cut with tart and spicy cranberry compote, burnt orange, salted black licorice, malted honey cakes, and soft marzipan that’s all accented by a soft waft of clove tobacco.
Palate: The palate leans into the berry-fueled mulled wine as dark chocolate-covered espresso beans mingle with brandy-soaked raisins, salted toffee candies, and pancakes cut with cinnamon apple butter and plenty of maple syrup.
Finish: The end jukes with a brash bitter orange peel that leads to plum jamminess, creamy vanilla sauce, and a hint of cinnamon bark dipped in apple cider with honey cake on the side.
Bottom Line:
This is a deep and dark whisky that’s perfect for the bourbon drinker looking to get into heavy-duty Scotch whisky. In fact, if you love high-proof bourbon with deep rye flavor profiles, then this will 100% be your jam.
2. Springbank Aged 10 Years Campbeltown Single Malt Scotch Whisky
This is the gateway to Springbank, one of the world’s most elite distilleries. The single malt is aged in both ex-bourbon and ex-sherry casks with a 60/40 split respectively in the final blend. That blend of barrels is just kissed with iconic Campbeltown spring water and then bottled as-is.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: This is smooth as can be with a nose full of bourbon vanilla, dark plums, soft toffee, and a hint of wet forest floor countering a spicy and honeyed maltiness with a hint of sagebrush.
Palate: The taste feels like an orchard in the summer full of fruit — tart, ripe, sweet, overripe — next to big notes of ground black pepper, apple-cider-soaked cinnamon sticks, freshly ground nutmeg, and plenty of cloves.
Finish: The finish is subtle and sweet with a good dose of salted caramel next to a whiff of dried peat with a hint of wet straw.
Bottom Line:
This is one of those “ah-ha!” whiskies that live up to the hype. It’ll also send you down a rabbit hole of whiskies that get very expensive very quickly. I wish you luck on your journey.
1. Talisker Single Malt Scotch Whisky The Distillers Edition
The 2022 Distillers Edition is a classic Talisker that’s aged by the sea and finished for six months in Amoroso sherry casks. The whisky was distilled in 2012 and bottled at 10 years old. It was then finished in another Amoroso sherry cask, making it “double cask” matured.
Tasting Notes:
Nose: The nose runs deep on this whisky with mild hints of beachside campfire smoke whispering in the background as hints of red fruit, wet driftwood, and green peppercorns draw you in.
Palate: The palate embraces the red berries with a slight tartness next to the sweetness as the peat remains dry and distant and tied to the brine of the sea with an almost oyster liquor softness.
Finish: The finish lingers for just the right amount of time as sweet berries and dry peat lead towards soft dark cacao powder with a tiny note of vanilla and one last spray from the sea.
Bottom Line:
This is as close to a perfect whisky as you can get at this price point. It’s sophisticated, dynamic, and delectable. It’s cliched but I have to say it. If you buy one bottle on this list, this should be it.
It’s common for shows to be taken off Netflix as their contracts expire (or because nobody is watching, you never really know) but it’s less common that Netflix yanks one of their own original shows. It happened last year when Netflix’s Marvel shows migrated over to Disney+, but it’s been happening more and more, and the latest show to get the boot is Arrested Development.
The familial comedy, starring Jason Bateman and Co, will exit the streamer on March 14th. The original run of Arrested Development was on Fox from 2003 to 2006, before laying dormant for over a decade until Netflix decided to dust off the stair car for another (lackluster and sometimes confusing) spin in 2013 and then again in 2019.
The revival seasons didn’t quite live up to the integrity of the original, but there were some solid jokes in there every once in a while. The final season was overshadowed by some upsetting press stops in which tensions were very high among the principal cast, and the magic ended there.
But even though Netflix owns two of the five seasons, the streamer will be taking all of them down on March 15 of this year. Don’t worry, you can still purchase all of the episodes on YouTube if that is more your style, but it just won’t be the same. Of course, we can always thank the show for revitalizing Charlize Theron’s career and that’s one thing that Netflix can never take away!
American cheese is something of a contentious issue here in the Uproxx Life Slack chat. Our editor, Steve Bramucci, likes to defend it on the grounds of texture and meltiness, and says he even puts it on ramen. But apparently, I’m an insufferable faux-europhile because I’ve generally thought of it mostly as over-processed, non-cheese trash.
It tastes bland or bad and what’s the upside? That it “melts well?” When I make grilled cheese or cheeseburgers with cheddar slices it seems to melt just fine. Of course, I don’t normally buy the stuff, so maybe this opinion is outdated or based on ignorance. For my latest blind taste test/ranking, I bought every “American cheese” available near me to see if any of them could convert me.
Without getting too into the weeds of what “American Cheese” actually is and the various legal labels assorted with it, the basics are that it came out of a process invented in Switzerland, by which various cheese scraps could be combined into a sort of processed cheese product rather than wasted — kind of like we do with meat in sausages and hot dogs.
Canadian-born American emigree James Kraft patented a similar process in the US (apparently combining cheese and pasteurized milk in a copper kettle, then poured into sterile containers) in 1916, with the goal of creating a cheese with a longer shelf life. Some types come poured into individual packets, Kraft single-style, while other types come off a big block at the deli. These days, the milky, melty cheese product is still the second-most bought sliced cheese in America, as of 2019 (mozzerella was number one).
PART I — Methodology
For the purposes of this test… well, I just ate the cheese. And for once I didn’t have to cut it first! (*rimshot*). But seriously folks, I know there are a lot of disparate uses for American cheese — nachos, cheeseburgers, ramen, even apple pie (Robert De Niro orders it in Taxi Driver), but there are so many that choosing just one as a judging criteria seemed too specific and trying to test them all seemed impossible.
In the end, I figured the fairest test was the most obvious: just eat the cheese. I had my wife (*Borat voice*) lay the slices out for me, numbered but unlabeled. I took notes on each slice and ranked the results. That’s it!
The Lineup:
Kraft Singles American 2% Milk
Kraft Singles
Sunnyside Farms 2% Milk American Cheese Singles
Kraft Deli Deluxe American Slices
Velveeta Slices Original
Horizon Organic American Singles
Kretschmar American Cheese
Kretschmar White American Cheese
Boar’s Head White American Cheese
Boar’s Head American Cheese
Primo Taglio White American Cheese
Primo Taglio American Cheese
PART II — The Ranking
12. Kretschmar American Cheese (Sample 7)
Kretschmar
The Cheese:
Kretschmar is a brand of Smithfield Foods that you can find everywhere from Walmart, Target, Food 4 Less, and your local supermarket chain, like Ralph’s or SaveMart in Central California, where I found mine. This particular cheese came from the deli case (as opposed to individually pre-packaged, like some of the others).
The website describes it as “Made from a blend of Wisconsin cheddar or colby cheese and pasteurized to stop the ripening process.”
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
This one is more orange with a more of a matte than glossy finish. It’s thick too and looks by far the most like cheddar of any of the cheeses. When I pick it up, barely any flop. Are we sure this is American?
The nose is… barely there. Maybe vaguely grassy? There’s something ever so vaguely herbaceous in there.
Biting in… woof. There’s something chalky, but also chemical/metallic tasting in this. I hate it. I keep going back to try to figure out what’s so bad about it and I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s definitely gross. I’m having that “Hey, come try this, it SUCKS!” reaction here. I grabbed some tortilla chips to eat afterward as a palate cleanser.
Bottom Line:
I can’t really explain why this tasted so strange. It looked like tasty, inviting cheese, possibly the most of any in the group. But the melt, the texture, and most of all the flavor just seemed off. Maybe it picked up weird flavors from some of the other things inside the deli case, I don’t know.
Rating: 2/10
11. Kretschmar White American Cheese (Sample 8)
Kretschmar
The Cheese:
Presumably the same as above, only without the yellow coloring. According to the site, “a mild, creamy, salty flavor with a medium-firm consistency.” (Don’t even think of making a sex joke here, I will call the police).
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
This one is white. I think we can all agree on that. Let the record show… The finish is more matte than glossy, and it’s thick like a deli slice. I think there were two deli slices in here that are distinctly thicker than the rest. Lots of heft when I pick it up too, one of the least floppy. (What did I say about sex jokes!)
Not much happening on the nose, other than a sense of salty processed-ness.
Biting in… this is definitely a smidge better than the other deli-looking slice. It’s less chalky and metallic, but it’s still pretty bad.
Bottom Line:
This was basically the same cheese from the same deli case as above and not surprisingly it ended up in basically the same place.
Rating: 2.5/10
10. Kraft Deli Deluxe (Sample 4)
Kraft
The Cheese:
“Kraft Deli Deluxe American Cheese Slices are creamy, rich, and full of flavor. Enjoy our sliced American cheese with a mild, slightly tangy flavor and smooth texture that goes well with any meat or vegetable dish.”
Presumably a slightly “fancier” version of Kraft singles from the OG of American cheese (invented by a Canadian). One notable difference between this and Kraft singles is that this has 0 grams of sugar, while the singles have two grams. One of its “special features” is “double the calcium.” So it’s got that going for it.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
This one is less glossy on the exterior and doesn’t have obvious markings from the plastic, which makes me think it looks more like “real” cheese. It’s sort of a flat yellow in color. When I pick it up it doesn’t “flop” as much as the others. Do we want our American cheese to “flop?” Discuss.
On the nose, it smells a lot like cheddar seasoning, almost like a nacho cheese Dorito. If you put the nacho cheese Dorito bag and this cheese under my nose blindfolded I don’t know if I’d be able to tell the difference. Probably I’d smell the corn. Anyway, moving on…
The flavor is… weird. Oh, I don’t like this at all. It’s like a muddle between that bland processed cheesiness, competing with the nacho seasoning flavor, with a hint of chemical in there and a kind of “off” aftertaste. This one made me crinkle my nose.
Bottom Line:
I guess sometimes fancier isn’t better. I much preferred original Kraft singles to this supposedly fancy version that tasted like weird chalk and shit.
Rating: 3/10
9. Velveeta Slices Original (Sample 5)
Velveeta
The Cheese
The OGs of processed melting cheese concocted this American cheese slice, er, “pasteurized recipe cheese product” from whey, milk, milk protein concentrate, modified food starch, canola oil, sodium citrate, and some other fun stuff including paprika extract and annatto for color. How about that?
“Seed oil” haters need not apply.
Original Notes:
This one is lighter yellow with medium gloss and a little leoparding on the exterior, presumably from the individual plastic wrapping. It’s toward the thiccer end of the spectrum. VERY floppy when I pick it up, despite the thickness. Is this a good thing? I dunno.
On the nose, it has that milky aroma plus… God what IS that? I’m having a hard time placing it. Salty, lemony? I don’t know.
On the palate, it’s very melty, with nothing particularly offputting, but not much going on either. Very neutral, bland, and sort of barely there. A vaguely sweet aftertaste.
Bottom Line:
In retrospect, I think the flavor I may have had trouble placing was the paprika extract? I’m not really sure. Anyway, this one was basically what I imagined American cheese slices to taste like — melty, milky, and sort of bland. It’s fine.
Rating: 4.5/10
8. Kraft Singles (Sample 2)
Kraft
The Cheese:
What’s the first cheese you think of when you think of “American cheese?” Probably Kraft singles, the only product here with its own Wikipedia page. According to the website, “our sliced cheese has a mild, savory flavor and smooth, creamy texture that’s perfectly melty,” made from cheddar cheese, skim milk, milkfat, milk protein concentrate, whey, calcium phosphate and a bunch of other stuff including our old pals paprika extract and annatto.
Annatto… annatto… annatto gonna ask why this cheese is this color, anyway.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes
This one looks thicker than some of the others and has more of a gold color, with just a hint of the plastic imprint on the outside. It has a decent body to it, so it doesn’t just flop over (probably because it’s thicker — score one for physics! ).
On the nose, it smells more salty, like a cheddar seasoning packet, but with just the faintest hint of something chemical.
In my mouth, the thickness gives it a melty “body” to it, but it’s weirdly kind of flavorless. This isn’t offputting, just bland.
Bottom Line:
I don’t have any special love or sense memory for Kraft singles that would elevate them above anything else, it seems. They are a fine baseline for this kind of cheese, for whatever that’s worth (probably not much).
Rating: 5/10
7. Sunnyside Farms 2% Milk American Cheese Singles (Sample 3)
Sunnyside Farms
The Cheese
Sunnyside Farms is a brand you can find at SaveMart, Sprouts, Lucky, and a handful of other chains. These badboys are made with “cultured milk, water, cream, whey, sodium citrate, milk protein concentrate, modified food starch, whey protein concentrate, calcium phosphate, salt, sorbic acid (preservative), sodium phosphate, citric acid, apo carotenal and beta carotene (color), lactic acid, enzymes, vitamin d3.” I’m always trying to add more modified food starch to my diet, so that’s cool. Food starch taste good in hyu-mon food.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
This one is like a medium pale yellow, with some texture on the surface from the plastic and fluting on the edges (that’s right, bitch, I said “fluting,” put that in your flute and toot it). It’s one of the “glossiest” options, for whatever that’s worth. Love a cheese I can see my reflection in.
On the nose, it has that milky, melty, processed cheese smell — nothing chemical or off-putting about it though.
This one has more of a chew to it, it doesn’t melt in the mouth as much. Which isn’t good or bad, in my mind, it’s just a fact. Nothing too chemical or weird about the taste, just kind of bland. Doesn’t taste like much.
Bottom Line:
Again, very bland and unobtrusive, if that’s your thing.
Rating: 5.5/10
6. Primo Taglio American Cheese (Sample 12)
The Cheese
Primo Taglio is a popular deli case brand sold at Von’s, Safeway, Albertsons, and their related chains. According the website, it’s made with “American Cheese, Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes, Sodium Citrate, Sodium, Phosphate, Sorbic Acid.” Love when my American Cheese is made with American Cheese. It’s actually kind of weird how little information is available for this one.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
Like a flat, lemon yellow in color, definitely more like a deli slice than a single packaged one.
On the nose, there’s something slightly vegetal in there along with the salt and milk.
On the palate, that vegetal flavor is still there, kind of masking the other flavors. It reminds me of a faint, raw bell pepper. The salt and melt is otherwise nice — it doesn’t completely dissolve in that more processed kind of way. It’s not *bad* per se, it’s just a little strange and not quite what I expect.
Bottom Line:
This brand was — spoiler alert — my favorite cheese, in its other incarnation. This yellow version had a funky flavor in it, presumably from what they use to color it. Hard to say with an ingredients list this vague.
Rating: 6/10.
5. Horizon Organic American Singles (Sample 7)
Horizon Organic
The Cheese:
This organic American cheese from an organic dairy brand has most of the usual stuff plus organic annatto for color. Annatto gonna list all the other ingredients here, va fongool.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
This one has a lot of package marks but is less glossy than some. Sort of flat yellow towards pastel. Not too floppy when I pick it up, sort of medium.
It’s sort of salty and seasoned-tasting on the nose.
This one has more bite than melt to it, chewier than some of the ones that just melt into milk on your tongue. The flavor kind of has a little salty bite to it too, which is nice. Pretty neutral and kind of barely there though for the most part, but not offputting at all.
Bottom Line:
I was a bit surprised at such a high finish for an organic brand on such a processed product. I would call this “above average” though not necessarily an enthusiastic “good.” Solid B+ of American cheese.
Rating: 7/10
4. Kraft Singles American 2% Milk (Sample 1)
Kraft
The Cheese
This 2% milk American cheese boasts “1/3 less fat than regular American cheese” along with a fairly standard-looking ingredients list including annatto and paprika extract for color.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes
Sort of a pale lemon yellow in color, with some “leoparding” on the skin, presumably from the single serving plastic.
It smells… well, like processed cheese, I don’t really know how else to describe it. It has a milkiness to it, I guess. The texture is very floppy when you pick it up.
Biting in, and it sort of melts in my mouth. You can tell just from the mouthfeel (MOUTHFEEL!) that this would have a decent melt to it. It’s melty in a not entirely offputting kind of way, and a little sweet. It only sticks to my teeth a little. The flavor is sort of bland, but mostly pleasant and creamy. Actually, I think I like this one because it reminds me of drugstore nachos, which I ate an embarrassing amount of as a teen.
Bottom Line:
I would never have guessed that a reduced fat option was going to beat the genuine article, but that’s why we do blind taste tests, right? This was actually the best of the individually-packaged options (as opposed to the ones that get sliced from the block at the deli, which by and large were the better options).
Rating: 7.5/10
3. Boar’s Head American
Boars Head
The Cheese:
Boar’s Head is a deli brand sold all over, notably at Von’s/Albertsons, HEB, Kroger… Full ingredients list for this one in particular: “American Cheese (Milk, Salt, Cheese Culture, Enzymes), Cream, Sodium Phosphates, Paprika, Annatto, Salt.”
Again, love when my American cheese is made with American cheese. It really brings out the American cheesiness, I find.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes
This one is medium yellow, more matte than gloss, with uneven deli-style edges and tiny air bubbles that must’ve formed when they poured the liquid milk/cheese mixture and let it cool. It flops a little when I pick it up, though not nearly as much as the kinds that clearly came from individual plastic wraps.
On the nose, this one smells milky and a little salty, with juuuuust a hint of some kind of earthy herb in there, presumably whatever they used for color.
On the palate, this is pretty straightforwardly cheesy. It melts in my mouth while retaining a little chew, and it’s nicely salty.
Bottom Line:
The top three here are all cheese products that actually taste like cheese. I don’t know that I’m *entirely* sold on the concept of American cheese, but I would definitely eat any of these without complaining.
Rating: 7.75/10
2. Boar’s Head White American Cheese (Sample 9)
Boars Head
The Cheese:
“Crafted from a hand-selected blend of rich, savory Cheddars, this all-American cheese has a smooth, creamy texture and a pleasantly mild taste. Boar‘s Head American Cheese is an amazingly meltable, flavorful classic.” Same ingredients list as the yellow, minus paprika and annatto.
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
This is white, and clearly came off of a deli block — the cut is a little uneven and it breaks instead of folding.
On the nose, it smells straightforwardly milky, with nothing chemical or metallic in there that I could detect.
There’s a chew to it, though it mostly melts in your mouth. It definitely seems like one of the saltier ones, but the flavor and seasoning are really on point. It actually tastes… kinda like cheese. I could see actually eating a piece of this cheese for the taste, which is not something I expected with American cheese.
Bottom Line:
I’d have to taste this head-to-head with cheddar, havarti, baby swiss, etc. to determine whether it was actually better than a non-American alternative, but relative to other American cheeses this was easily near the top. Likewise, I’m sure I’m biased towards the white American cheeses, ever since I found out the color was just an additive and not something naturally occurring in the cheese. Which isn’t to say that the color is “bad” for you, it’s like adding a little turmeric powder to your flour when you make pasta to turn it more yellow. It’s a visual element and not much else. But at the same time… why? I’m definitely not married to the idea of my cheese being yellow or orange.
Which is to say: I’d have to taste these blindfolded to determine whether I can actually taste the difference between yellow and white American (the difference being probably a minuscule amount of paprika and/or annatto) or if it’s all just mental.
Rating: 8/10
1. Primo Taglio White American (Sample 11)
The Cheese:
Despite the fancy eye-talian-sounding name (which means “first cut,” in case you were wondering), Primo Taglio is actually the cheaper option at the Albertson’s family of supermarkets, behind Boar’s Head (and has basically zero web presence, hence the lack of a picture). There isn’t much difference in the ingredients list between the two either, so far as I can tell: “American Cheese, Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes, Sodium Citrate, Sodium, Phosphate, Sorbic Acid.”
Vince Mancini
Original Notes:
This one is — spoiler alert — white, and looks more like provolone than white American, just based on the thickness and deli-sliced appearance. Matte finish. It flops when I pick it up.
On the nose, I get more salt than milk, sort of like parmesan meets whey.
On the palate, it’s mostly salty/milky/cheesy, but there is just a hit of something ever so slightly funky, like a provolone. It doesn’t melt on the tongue as much as some others, but the taste is really good. This tastes by far the most like “real cheese” of anything so far.
Bottom Line
Why I chose the cheaper deli option at Von’s over the more expensive one is as much a mystery as why I ended up liking the 2% Kraft more than the original. Maybe the seasoning-to-fat ratio was higher? In any case, this does feel like a great cheese for a cheeseburger or a grilled cheese for a baby. I’d probably still want cheddar in mine, but definitely no complaints about this one.
The Mean Girls movie musical is gearing up to be the best movie musical since Mamma Mia 2! which was the best movie musical since Mamma Mia!, which was the first movie musical to ever exist. Even though the one common thread, Amanda Seyfried, might not be directly involved (yet!) the expectations for the cliquey movie are pretty high as the movie secures its cast.
The latest star joining the project is The Office’s Jenna Fischer, who will take on the role of Cady’s mother, which was originally played by Ana Gasteyer. As previously reported, Tina Fey will return as math teacher Ms. Norbury, while Tim Meadows will reprise his role as Mr. Duvall. Hopefully, his arm has healed since then. Fey is also confirmed to be writing the script for the movie, which will head to Paramount+.
Fischer has been co-hosting the popular podcast Office Ladiesas of late, and this will be her first acting gig since her sitcom Splitting Up Together was canceled in 2019.
Even though movie musicals can be a big risk, the Mean Girls musical has developed a cult following thanks to its ever-growing TikTok fanbase. The rest of the cast includes Angourie Rice as Cady, Auli’i Cravalho as Janis, Jaquel Spivey, and Reneé Rapp, who previously starred as the queen bee Regina George in the Broadway adaptation.
While this is a movie based on the musical based on the movie based on the book, it seems like some crossover between the stage and screen adaptation is inevitable. Even though the original core cast has yet to confirm anything, Seyfried is already in musical mode, so maybe she can pop over for a quick dance number.
One of the easiest bets to win during the 2022 Oscars was who would win Best Original Song. There was “No Time to Die” by Billie Eilish and Finneas O’Connell, and there was everyone else (the wrong song from Encanto was selected). This year’s batch of nominees is trickier. Rihanna (“Lift Me Up” from Black Panther: Wakanda Forever) and Lady Gaga (“Hold My Hand” from Top Gun: Maverick) are the biggest names, but don’t overlook David Byrne and Mitski’s song from Everything Everywhere All at Once, “This Is a Life.”
The real wild card — and the song that should win, please — is “Naatu Naatu” from RRR. If you haven’t watched the record-breaking action movie, please do so immediately. It’s on Netflix and also being re-released in theaters (for a third time!) this weekend. “Naatu Naatu” is from the film’s most memorable scene — and one of the most memorable and joyous scenes for any movie released in 2022.
It will also be a highlight of the 2023 Oscars.
Oscar-nominated song “Naatu Naatu,” the Indian Telugu-language song from RRR, will be performed at the 2023 Oscars. “Naatu Naatu” is nominated for best original song, and Rahul Sipligunj and Kaala Bhairava will perform the song. The song’s music is written by M.M. Keeravaani, while its lyrics are written by Chandrabose.
There’s no mention of whether RRR stars N.T. Rama Rao Jr. and Ram Charan will be involved, but there better at least be dancing.
The era of Chlöe is officially upon us. Next month, she will release her much-anticipated debut solo album, In Pieces. Weeks after, she will embark on the In Pieces tour.
The In Pieces tour will see Chlöe take the stage in 11 North American cities, including Chicago, New York City, Dallas, and Los Angeles.
Fans can purchase tickets now (here) using the pre-sale code PRAY. General on-sale for the tour begins this Friday.
In addition to music, Chlöe has been throwing herself into more acting roles. Next month, she will star on Prime Video’s new thriller series, Swarm, which explores the dark side of fandom. Last year, she spoke with us about her upcoming role in a comedy film called Praise This.
“It’s been super exciting being able to throw myself into another role or character,” said Bailey. “Any unhealed pieces of me I get to heal through them. It’s like another way of storytelling, like how I do with music.”
You can see the list of the In Pieces tour dates below.
04/11 — Chicago, IL @ Riviera Theatre
04/13 — Detroit, MI @ The Fillmore
04/14 — Toronto, ON @ Rebel
04/17 — Boston, MA @ House of Blues
04/18 — Philadelphia, PA @ The Fillmore
04/20 — New York, NY @ Terminal 5
04/23 — Atlanta, GA @ The Eastern
04/25 — Houston, TX @ House of Blues
04/26 — Dallas, TX @ House of Blues
04/30 — Sacramento, CA @ Sol Blume
05/03 — Los Angeles, CA @ The Novo
In Pieces is out 3/31 via Parkwood/Columbia. Pre-save it here.
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