Category: News

Had injuries to Steph Curry and Draymond Green not impacted the Golden State Warriors season, perhaps they would have been able to hold off the Memphis Grizzlies for the No. 2 seed in the Western Conference. Instead, they ended up as the third seed in the Western Conference and will face off against Nikola Jokic — likely to be a two-time MVP in the very near future — and the sixth-seeded Denver Nuggets.

It figures to be a hard-fought series, even if the Warriors should still be considered the favorites coming in, and there are some significant questions for both sides to answer when things get started on Saturday night.

How much will injuries impact both teams?

Neither the Warriors or the Nuggets are coming into this series at 100 percent. For Golden State, Stephen Curry seems like he’s going to play when opens this weekend as he comes off of a foot injury that has kept him out for nearly a month. According to Warriors coach Steve Kerr, however, Curry may be on a minutes restriction to start. On top of Curry, Klay Thompson is (understandably) still getting fully back into the flow of things coming off of his two-year absence. To date, he’s not been quite the same player he was pre-injury, and Draymond Green isn’t far removed from a long absence of his own.

If Curry in particular isn’t at 100 percent, Golden State’s margin for error shrinks. On the year, the Warriors were +10.1 points better per 100 possessions with Curry on the floor per Basketball-Reference. As always, he is the engine that makes them go and the Warriors status as healthy favorites (-240 for the series) is based on Curry operating as his usual self, even if in limited minutes.

As for the Nuggets, Jamal Murray’s possible return hangs over this series. As of now, he’s considered doubtful for this series, but not ruled out of the playoffs altogether. Even if he can come back, either in this series a possible second-round series, is it even fair to expect much of Murray after a year away as he just comes back? Had he been able to return in the regular season would have been one thing. A playoff return against a team like Golden State is something different, and more complicated, altogether.

What is the Warriors’ plan to defend Nikola Jokic?

Fun fact: In the four games Denver and Golden State played in the regular season, Draymond Green didn’t play a single minute. In those matchups, Nikola Jokic averaged 28 points, 16 rebounds and 9 assists with the Nuggets going 3-1.

Now that Green is back — and starting to play at the level he was at the beginning of the regular season prior to his injury — the Warriors have more looks to throw at Jokic. Kevon Looney will probably start on him, but putting Green at center and having him guard Jokic for stretches is absolutely going to happen. As usual, those lineups are also effective too, with the Warriors outscoring opponents by +10.1 points per 100 possessions when Green is at center per Cleaning The Glass.

How Steve Kerr balances those lineups will be a key point in the series, as will how they decide to defend everyone around Jokic as he posts up. Jokic is too good to just defend one-on-one inside — he’s shooting a career-best 72% at the rim this year, per Cleaning The Glass — so he’ll have to be doubled at times. But how aggressive will those doubles be? Will they be a hard double or simply the closest help defender sliding over just a bit closer to Jokic? And will Kerr elect to be more or less aggressive with them when Green is at the five? The key, more than anything else, may be finding the right balance of aggression and walling off cutters from darting and zipping into the lane around Jokic, allowing him to create easy buckets for his teammates.

Which X-Factor, Golden State’s Jordan Poole or Denver’s Bones Hyland, can stand out?

A key development for the Warriors this year has been the growth of Jordan Poole. He spent time in the G League as recently as last season and wasn’t part of the Warriors teams that won three titles in four years. Now, in his third season, Poole has evolved to be a part of the Warriors’ closing lineups this year and is among the candidates for the league’s Most Improved Player award. Per Cleaning The Glass, he’s made a leap from having a below average true shooting percentage a year ago among guards to a true shooting percentage in the top 20 percent of guards, per Cleaning The Glass, and he’s done that in nearly three times the minutes he played last season.

With Curry potentially on a minutes restriction, Poole becomes even more important. If his regular season play carries over into the postseason, he can help Golden State’s offense thrive when Curry sits. This absolutely could tilt the series in Golden State’s favor. He’s also perhaps the most trustworthy role player on the Warriors roster, particularly as Andrew Wiggins’ shooting has dropped off since the All-Star break. That matters not just here, but in the future playoff rounds if the Warriors have a title run in them this season.

For Denver, Bones Hyland has been an immediate impact rookie at guard — a necessary success while Murray and Michael Porter Jr. have been out. He takes care of the ball, has improved as a passer as the year has gone on, and is shooting 36% from three and 60% at the rim. Those are good numbers in the exact spots where Jokic can best find teammates for open shots. He also excels at getting out on the break, either getting to the rim or pulling up from three with confidence.

There are other x-factor options for the Nuggets, namely Will Barton and Monte Morris. But Hyland has shown something right away and plays a dynamic brand of basketball that arguably gives him a higher ceiling than either Barton or Morris. He can’t replace what Murray offers in full, but he’s perhaps the closest Denver has right now and in this series he is going to have to provide them with a lift off the bench to keep up with Golden State offensively.

Cardi B is flying high this week, appearing on the cover of Essence with her family and popping up in an episode of Baby Shark’s Big Show! to perform a new song, “The Seaweed Sway.” She’s obviously making the most of her status as a crossover pop icon, but that doesn’t mean she’s forgotten where she started. Cardi also got back to her roots this week with another new song that’s completely the opposite of her Baby Shark guest role. Appearing on Kay Flock’s new single “Shake It,” Cardi shows she’s still got ties to the streets that raised her.

However, rather than simply dabbling in the controversial drill style to expand her own resume, she’s using the moment for good. Drill rap has come under fire recently for encouraging gun violence on the streets of New York. While the style’s practitioners say they’re simply recording the life around them, there’s no denying that there’s a link between the gang shootouts and the reporting that drill rappers do in their rhymes. Cardi, however, wants those rappers to make the most of their opportunities with music and leave the streets alone.

“On some G sh*t, yo, let me tell y’all little n****s something,” she said during an Instagram Live stream. “I know it’s a lot of smoke, I know how sh*t goes, but use y’all music to get signed and get the f*ck out the Bronx because it’s only death and indictments out there.” She has a point; even her host on “Shake It,” Kay Flock, is currently in jail, while another rapper who appears on the song, Dougie B, was recently picked up on a probation violation.

Meanwhile, in another video, Cardi explained the difference between the Bronx and Brooklyn drill styles. Check that out below.

The Los Angeles Clippers’ postseason hopes will be decided in a game without Paul George. According to a report by Tim Bontemps and Adrian Wojnarowski of ESPN, star wing Paul George entered the league’s health and safety protocols on Friday and will not be able to take the floor against the New Orleans Pelicans on Friday night.

The team eventually confirmed that they’ll play a win-or-go-home game for the 8-seed without George.

The Clippers ended up in a spot in the final play-in game after losing to the Minnesota Timberwolves on Tuesday night. George had an impressive evening, scoring 34 points and knocking down six of his attempts from three with seven rebounds, five assists, and three steals in 41 minutes of work. If there is a silver lining for Los Angeles, it’s that the team is used to having to win games with George on the sidelines — George only appeared in 31 games during the regular season, with an injury to his right elbow holding him out from mid-December until the end of March.

New Orleans made it to the final play-in game by beating the San Antonio Spurs on Wednesday night. The game between the Pelicans and the Clippers is slated to tip off at 10 p.m. ET on TNT. It’s not the only game with postseason implications on Friday, as the Atlanta Hawks and Cleveland Cavaliers will play for the 8-seed in the Eastern Conference at 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN.

Multi-instrumentalist Edgar Winter just released Brother Johnny, a tribute album to his late brother Johnny Winter, the legendary blues guitarist who tragically passed in 2014. The LP features an array of guests including Joe Bonamassa, Billy Gibbons, Warren Haynes, Steve Lukather, Doyle Bramhall II, Robben Ford, and more.

The most shocking appearance, though, is Taylor Hawkins, whose devastating death last month sent waves of grief through the music world. This is his first posthumous release. The song is titled “Guess I’ll Go Away” and it’s a cover of the opening track from 1970’s Johnny Winter And. Though Hawkins is known for his inimitable drumming, he contributed vocals. (Hawkins was a singer in his side project band, Taylor Hawkins And The Coattail Riders, and his cover band, Chevy Metal.)

Winter wrote about working with Hawkins on his website: “I had only just met Taylor, and barely got to know him, but I was so impressed by his sincerity, positive energy, and pure enthusiasm. He had a unique spontaneous style different from anyone I’ve ever worked with before. I can be very opinionated — but as soon as heard what he was doing, I knew it was best to step back, stay out of the way, and let him do his thing. That session was an experience I will never forget.”

Listen to Hawkins’ cover of “Guess I’ll Go Away” above.

Bob Odenkirk is still thinking about all the love and support he received following his heart attack on the set of Better Call Saul last year. In 2021, Odenkirk had a heart attack while filming Better Call Saul. He has since recovered, thankfully, but things were kind of hairy for a minute. In an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Odenkirk opened up about the surreal experience of seeing fans, colleagues, and loved ones show their support.

“It was so affecting,” Odenkirk said. “It’s still something I think about every day. I literally lay in bed at night listening to my heart and thinking about all the people who responded when they heard this happened, and just every chance I get, I want to say thank you to everyone. Social media is a place of poison and evil, and then this moment was just beauty and love from strangers. And I don’t really have it figured out yet except that it felt so damn good and still does. People aren’t as bad as I thought they were. They’re really great”

Odenkirk also talked about the news that Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul will be reprising their roles as Walter White and Jesse Pinkman in the sixth and final season of Better Call Saul, which premieres Monday, April 18.

“These two shows, Better Call Saul and Breaking Bad, have never been as closely intertwined as this new season coming up,” he said. “So it’s very exciting if you’re a Breaking Bad fan I think you’ll enjoy this. I wondered how they got those guys to Albuquerque in secret, and then I found out they’ve never left. They’ve been living on the sets, waiting to play their characters again.”

Tekashi 69 is past the worst of his legal troubles, but just because he’s not in jail anymore doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any more problems. According to TMZ, the controversial New York rapper is being sued by Streamusic over a pair of Hollywood shows he allegedly blew off last December. Streamusic, an app that streams live shows, apparently booked Tekashi for the two concerts, paying him $150,000 in advance. But when the company tried to get him to hold up his end of the arrangement, he stopped responding.

When he finally did get back to Streamusic to reschedule the shows in January, he ghosted them again, even after the company says it sent seven letters (who uses mail anymore?). So, they’ve sued Tekashi for breach of contract and fraud. However, the rapper’s attorney Lance Lazzaro told TMZ, “We have no comment at this time. Tekashi has not been served with any legal papers.”

Of course, the papers could have gotten lost in the veritable avalanche of paperwork the rapper has been served over the past couple of years. In 2021, he was sued by another concert promoter over bailing on a show after being paid in full, after he was sued by his security company over an unpaid bill. Also in 2021, he was sued by a Miami stripper who claimed he threw a champagne bottle during a fight, hitting her instead of the intended target. In 2020, Fashion Nova sued Tekashi for $2.25 million when he didn’t fulfill the terms of a promotion deal.

Last year, rapper G-Eazy shared on Instagram the tragic news of his mother’s passing. The post was as heartfelt as it was heartbreaking: “The shock still won’t let me accept the feeling that I’ll never get to hug you in person again,” he wrote. Today, he returned with a tribute to her with the song “Angel.”

The track watches the rapper settle into vulnerable territory, showcasing his more emotional music influences; against soft, slow sounds he speaks with patience and earnestness: “Can’t find what my faith is / I been lost in this basement / Keep searching and searching / I must be looking in the wrong places,” he contemplates.

But the song builds and grows hopeful; on the chorus, he sings, “‘Cause I met an angel, an angel.” In an interview with People, he explained: “As I was recording the song, I kept feeling the presence of her energy dancing to the chorus. Her favorite thing in the world was to come to my shows, and smoke her joints and dance to my music when I performed.”

In that same interview, he mentioned that he will be starting a scholarship program in honor of his mother. It will be called the Dandelion Scholarship, and it will reward $15,000 to one US arts major annually. Applications open this summer.

Listen to “Angel” above.

The No. 3 seed Milwaukee Bucks take on the No. 6 seed Chicago Bulls in the first round of the 2022 Eastern Conference Playoffs beginning with Game 1 on Sunday. While the reigning champion Bucks did not earn a top-two seed in the East, many project a relatively breezy outlook for Milwaukee in the opening round, particularly when noting Chicago’s 20-26 record over the final 46 games.

Still, the Bucks must take care of business in the opening round to set up a potential repeat bid, and Milwaukee is still rounding into form. Injuries kept the Bucks from deploying their best possible lineups for the majority of the season, and Milwaukee’s regular-season profile does not necessarily match the expectations for what Mike Budenholzer’s team can be at full strength.

On the Chicago side, the Bulls were off to a storybook start after making big splashes in the offseason, only to encounter considerable injury challenges in their own right. Lonzo Ball is unavailable for the Bulls, leaving a gaping hole as a defender and perimeter shooting threat, and Chicago is searching for answers defensively even as the postseason arrives. Still, there are the bones of a team that started the season at 26-10 and as the No. 1 team in the East, and we’ll explore a trio of questions as to how this series might proceed.

Can the Bulls even pretend to slow Giannis Antetokounmpo?

With all due respect to DeMar DeRozan, Zach Lavine and a couple of his own teammates from Milwaukee, Giannis Antetokounmpo is the best player in this series. As such, one can expect Antetokounmpo to put up big-time numbers, and he is in the mix for a third MVP award for a reason. However, there are some teams that match up better with Antetokounmpo than others, and the Bulls are not on that list.

Chicago does have a big, athletic forward in Patrick Williams, and there is buzz that the Bulls may use him as a primary defender against Antetokounmpo. That isn’t the craziest idea when examining the roster for the Bulls, but Williams is 20 years old and has appeared in only 17 games this season. After that, Chicago might try to use a pure big like Tristan Thompson against him, but to make it clear, the Bulls don’t appear to have anyone that can really stand in Antetokounmpo’s way.

That isn’t to say that Antetokounmpo can’t get lost in the sauce for a game or two, especially if his shooting stroke abandons him, but the Bucks have Giannis and the Bulls don’t.

Can DeMar DeRozan go nuclear to keep Chicago in the mix?

Speaking of DeRozan, he was at least a fringe MVP candidate for a while after one of the crazier clutch shooting runs in recent memory. That cooled down as Chicago lost steam on the whole, but DeRozan still shot 50.4 percent from the floor on the way to 27.9 points per game over the full season. On offense, he is fully capable of matching Antetokounmpo stride-for-stride at times, and Chicago’s best path to success might be to keep things close and let DeRozan work his magic in crunch time.

Unlike the Antetokounmpo matchup for Chicago, Milwaukee does have an ace in the hole with Jrue Holiday, but Holiday might be focused on LaVine, depending on how Milwaukee chooses to line up on defense. The Bucks don’t have another “shutdown” guy on the wing, but they do have options, ranging from Wes Matthews to Khris Middleton or even Giannis in a switch. One thing is certain, though, and that is the Bulls don’t seem to stand a chance without a top-tier performance from DeRozan.

Who wins the center matchup between Brook Lopez and Nikola Vucevic?

It’s not as if Vucevic was flat-out bad this season by any means. He averaged a double-double and had plenty of impressive moments, but his first full campaign in Chicago was marked by less than stellar efficiency and some defensive foibles, particularly once Chicago’s point-of-attack defense deteriorated due to injury. One of the broader questions of the series is how Chicago holds up defensively with Vucevic on the floor, as they will probably need him on offense to keep this interesting.

With that out of the way, the Vucevic question is, at least in part, a pathway to discussing Brook Lopez. The veteran big man missed most of the season, appearing in only 13 games, and the Bucks were hardly ever at full strength as a result. It would be fair to say that Lopez is, at least potentially, the fourth-best player for Milwaukee, and they will need him to be his old self in order to make the kind of repeat run that they desire.

On Chicago’s side, Vucevic likely needs to win this matchup decisively to pave the way for an upset. Given the massive gap in series projections, both in the betting market and elsewhere, the more intriguing story might simply be how Lopez looks and what the Bucks can count on from the center position in moments when Antetokounmpo isn’t occupying it as a part of a small-ball look.

It’s officially been more than two months since Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine and unleashed a strain of Middle Ages-esque barbarism not seen on the planet in quite some time and Donald Trump still just cannot find anything bad to say about the murderous Russian tyrant. Yet he has had plenty of time to wax poetic on just about every other topic because, at least the way Jimmy Kimmel sees it, “Donald Trump is bored.” How else would one explain his habit of randomly calling into Fox News shows to chat about everything and nothing all at the same time?

But the former president’s call into Sean Hannity earlier this week was something else altogether, as yet again the Fox News host tried to get his ol’ pal to just acknowledge that Putin is just a little bit terrible, yet Trump refused to take the bait. Again.

After listing all of the problems America is facing right now (inflation, etc.) which wouldn’t have been a problem “had we won the election, which we did,” the topic turned to Russia and Trump’s undeniable man-crush on Putin. As Kimmel explained:

“Even though we now know that without a doubt that Putin is a murderer and a war criminal and is as bad a human being as they come—even though we’re on the precipice of nuclear war with this monster—Trump cannot stop bragging about how well he knows the guy.”

That bragging, which came in the form of Trump telling Hannity that he “knew Putin very well, almost as well as I know you Sean” while a series of images of dead bodies filled the screen. Kimmel gave some credit to Hannity who, “for his part, keeps trying to get Trump to say the right thing… Sean tossed him the softest of balls and once again, [Trump] whiffed bigly.”

Hannity’s question was simple: “I asked you the last time you were on whether you think this is evil in our time. Do you believe this is evil in our time.”

After evading the question completely and making it clear that he doesn’t understand what NATO is, Trump decided to partially answer Hannity’s query by telling him what real evil looks like: Windmills! “They’re killing eagles,” Trump proclaimed. “They’re killing the bald eagle! And other eagles, and other birds. And we have these windmills all over the place.”

You can watch the full clip above, beginning around the 3:25 mark.

This week on Top Chef, well, it wasn’t a big surprise if you saw the teaser for it last week — it was the Jurassic Park challenge. Am I crazy for thinking that Top Chef should be above shilling for the latest Jurassic Park movie? It’s a little sad watching chefs try to feign excitement for a sixth Jurassic Park movie, where they all do interviews “confessing” that “I’m a massive fan of the Jurassic Park franchise!”

Oh shut up, you are not.

Listen, I saw the first Jurassic Park three times in the theater when I was kid. It blew my mind. I thought it was the greatest thing I’d ever seen. They tried to recapture that magic two more times in the late 90s and it was all fucked out before the towers even fell. Those of us who had our minds blown by Jurassic Park as kids are in our late 30s and early 40s now. Let it go. Can we not have one single fucking pop-culture idea that is allowed to run its course without someone trying to build us a shiny treehouse made of memories? Writing about food is supposed to be my escape! leave me alone with this horseshit!

Poor Joe Flamm.

Dude scores an incredible come-from-behind Top Chef victory cooking humble pastas and this is his reward? Having to read dogshit ad copy for Big Dino? FOR SHAME. Also, since I had a little fun with Padma’s wardrobe last week, I should emphasize here how much the disco look was absolutely working for her this week. Love the white boots. I refuse to believe that this woman is 51. That cannot be real.

Phew, I got so worked up about Jurassic Park that I almost forgot to mention the quickfire. It was a Nigerian-themed challenge, introduced by local chef Ope Amosu and former Top Chef contestant Kwame Onwuachi. The chefs were challenged to pair dishes with a series of traditional Nigerian “swallows” — basically a ball of doughy starch used to dunk in soups and stews, named for what your mom likes to do on dates. (I may have made that last part up).

Anyway… cool challenge! Why couldn’t this have been the Elimination Challenge and the Jurassic Park infomercial challenge been the Quickfire? Also, if we’re going bring back something from 1993, couldn’t it at least be Demolition Man?

Once the Swallow Challenge was over, Joe Flamm trudged in in his monkey suit to announce the Elimination Challenge. There was even a video from Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt. A video! They couldn’t even get these assholes to show up for an entire show dedicated to their stupid movie!

The chefs were then tasked with producing a team three-course meal, in which each course would reflect a different “dish inspired by these jaw-dropping dinosaurs.”

I hesitated before I typed “reflect” there because the verb was the ambiguous part. Were the dishes supposed to be inspired by the dinosaur? By what the dinosaur eats? By their general dino…. vibe? No one seemed to know. It was like the Top Chef producers didn’t get to vet the press blasts and just had to just roll with whatever crap the copywriters came up with.

I used to be a copywriter. It sucked. And I could’ve told you guys, movie promo copy is some of the most vaporous nonsense you will ever read, even compared to every other kind of promo copy. Joe Flamm had to tell us that velociraptors live in China (should the raptor contestants make Chinese food then??) and Padma grinned “I can’t wait to see how you bring these dinosaurs to life!”

Bring them to life? With… food? Should the dish make me think “dinosaur” or should it make me feel like a dinosaur? WHAT THE HELL DOES ANY OF THIS MEAN?!?

The dinosaurs in question, by the way, were the Mosasaurus (SEA), Quetzalcoatlus (AIR), and the Velociraptor (LAND). I think they threw the Quetzalcoatlus in there just for the added sadism. Not only are you going to make these people read your bad ad copy, they’re going to have to pronounce “Quetzalcoatlus” seven times? Amazing. The wildest part was that they didn’t use the “Giga,” a new dinosaur that, I shit you not, was meant to be like The Joker.

“I wanted something that felt like the Joker,” director Colin Trevorrow told Empire. “It just wants to watch the world burn.”

Yeah bruv, I think I do too now.

RESULTS:

• Quickfire Bottom: Nick, Evelyn.
• Quickfire Top: Buddha*, Damarr, Jackson.

• Elimination Winners: Nick, Evelyn, Jackson.
• Elimination Bottom: Jo**, Jae.

*Winner
**Eliminated

9. (-1) ((Eliminated)) Jo Chan

AKA: Sarge. Smiles.

I’m a little surprised to see Jo going home this early, but not exactly disappointed either. It feels like there are five chefs left who are in contention and four who were just trying last one more week, with Jo being firmly in the latter camp.

Jo drew the flying Quetzalcoatlus this episode, and as she described her inspiration: “Quetzalcoatlus eat everything, so I decided to make a quail and stuff it with everything.”

Uh… sure? The Q-dinos (I refuse to type the full name again) fly and start with Q, quails fly and start with Q… Why not! Sadly Jo’s quail came out dry and she inexplicably served it with two sad carrots. She ended up going home. I’m trying to muster the requisite sadness about it, but Jo comes off self-serious enough that she’s not super likeable, yet remains just likeable enough that she can’t really be considered a villain either. Which is relatable enough (this is probably how I would seem on a reality show) but doesn’t really add up to great entertainment value.

Anyway, uh… good luck, Sarge.

8. (-2) Jae Jung

AKA: Noodles. Jae West. Hilaria.

Last week we got a little taste of it, when Jae couldn’t bullshit well enough to explain why a gumbo was meant to represent Ann Richards. This week really cemented it: metaphors are Jae’s kryptonite.

Jae couldn’t explain her gumbo-Ann Richards connection, but at least she seemed to have an idea in her head. This week Jae drew the velociraptor, and openly struggled with how the hell food was supposed to be like a dinosaur. Can’t really blame her for that, I suppose? Do Koreans not have liberal arts courses to teach them to bullshit?

Jae ended up deciding on lamb two ways, which, as anyone who watches this show would know, is practically begging to get sent home. Doing anything two ways is a terrible idea! It gives the judges double the dishes to find fault with!

It’s a testament to just how bad Jo’s quail must’ve been that even an anti-strategic dish with a virtually non-existent metaphor — “It’s a very aggressive dinosaur, so I wanted to give a bold flavor to it” — still didn’t get Jae sent home. Much to Tom’s chagrin, who seemed to have an irrational hatred for everything about it. Calm down, man, it’s just a meatball.

In any case, Jae squeaked through. I really hope we get a less conceptual challenge next week so she can go back to doing what she does best: being weirdly horny for cheese.

7. (+2) Ashleigh Shanti

AKA: Moonjuice. Sugar Hillcountry.

Ashleigh seems like a naturally sunny person and I feel like this show is grinding her down to a little nub. Once again she put out what looked, sounded, and she clearly believed was good food, and once again the judges had almost universally negative things to say about it. Ashleigh drew the flying QuentinTarantinosaurus, and decided to cook a wing (makes sense!) with shito spice and a watermelon salad on top. Looked tasty!

Unfortunately, the judges thought Ashleigh’s shito wing was more like a shithouse wing — too flabby, underseasoned, not enough shito, and too mild. It just needed… something, you know? And such small portions! They are crushing this poor woman’s soul and it makes me sad.

6. (+2) Luke Kolpin

AKA: Liddell. Die Hard. Meekus. Eurotrip. The Danish Zombie. Noma… Noma… Noma gonna be in this competition much longer, anyway.

Speaking of crushed souls, there’s Luke, who has looked like he was about to go home basically from the first episode but is miraculously still here. I’m re-nicknaming this guy “The Danish Zombie,” because he just keeps coming back to life. And because MMA nicknames seem especially fitting for this guy.

Luke actually…. did kind of okay this episode? He drew the velociraptor and decided on a Mongolian theme, serving broccoli and beef (don’t tell Eddie Huang!) in the shape of claw, sort of. The judges liked it alright, and Padma thought the “dark, swampy” sauce fit the velociraptor theme. What, velociraptors live in your mom’s panties now?

Anyway, I hope Luke comes in second-to-last in every challenge from here on out and somehow makes it all the way to the finale.

5. (even) Nick Wallace

AKA: Domingo. Chocolate Mormon. The Count.

Nick is clearly one of the five favorites in this competition but he also seems to be cementing himself as the lowest-ranking favorite. He made an okra stew with crab in the quickfire, which looked pretty amazing, but apparently, he used too much tamarind paste and it came out too sweet and landed him in the bottom two. Sad!

But Nick seemed to bounce back from tamarind-blasting his stew, serving a croquette in the Elimination Challenge that was meant to evoke the red insides of a Mosasaurus’ throat. It ended up splitting the judges, with some thinking it was clever and just what the doctor ordered, but others (Tom) thinking it felt a little paltry without a sauce. But that’s Tom for you, such a sauce queen.

4. (-3) Evelyn Garcia

AKA: Cuddles.

Evelyn and Nick seem to be running neck and neck for worst of the best. Evelyn was coming off back-to-back victories in the last two ‘sodes, but opened this one on the bottom of the quickfire with Nick. She bounced back in the elimination challenge, drawing the Questlove dinosaur (AIR) and choosing to make… pork, that famous flying animal.

It was a pork tenderloin with some nuts and leafy vegetables, served with an AERated sweet potato puree. Which, Evelyn took pains to remind the judges, was meant to represent AIR. That shit must’ve been really good because not a single judge questioned the validity of representing air with aerated potatoes (which grow underground!).

Anyway, Evelyn seems nice and her food looks good and I hope she does well. (Pretend I managed to squeeze a “your mom” joke in here somehow)

3. (+1) Buddha Lo

AKA: Mr. International. Big Pun. Asian Ben Mendelsohn.

I had Buddha pegged as the chef to beat in the first few episodes, and he had me worried for a few episodes, but now it seems like he’s back. He served an African-inspired satay in the quickfire that was so good he had Ope Amosu giving him nicknames. Damn, is Buddha already invited to the cookout?

He won that challenge, earning himself immunity, which he ended up not needing since his smoked alligator in a cream sauce with beets and salmon roe felt like one of the judges’ favorites of the entire evening. This dude chose to cook alligator! And succeeded with it!

The only reason Buddha didn’t win this challenge was that he was paired with Jae and Jo, the judges’ two least favorites. And all he really missed out by not “winning” was a trip to the premiere of Jurassic World: Dominion. Oh, so instead of having to feign excitement about a sixth Jurassic Park movie (Oh my gosh, did they bring back the actors from the first one?? Has this ever been tried before???) he can just chillax on the couch watching Real Housewives or whatever?

Seems like Buddha got the best of that deal.

2. (+1) Jackson Kalb

AKA: Magoo. Andrew Lunk. Leghorn. Lurch. Bateman. Big Bird. Big Nerd. Napholeon Dynamite. Drew Magoober.

This challenge seemed right up Jackson’s alley on account of he’s a huge dork. Sure enough, Jackson rose to the occasion. *(Napoleon Dynamite Voice*) Do the velothiraptors have large talons?

Jackson really went for it this episode, using his own hand to create a bloody velociraptor footprint out of raspberry syrup. Velociraptor footprints don’t look like that! But hey, at least he tried. Jackson tried so hard, in fact, that he even introduced his dish by doing a bit. “First of all I’d like to apologize, the velociraptors came through and took one of our chefs, so that’s his blood there on the plate.”

Jackson looked so pleased with himself after that bit you almost have to respect it.

You could practically hear him excitedly sucking saliva through his retainer after that one. (*puffs inhaler*)

Padma looked a little confused at first, on account of she’s a famous supermodel so she doesn’t speak nerd, but then she realized Jackson was just doing exactly what the producers wanted these chefs to do: embarrass themselves for the sponsor.

I’ve been giving Jackson a pretty hard time in these recaps, but I owe him a debt of gratitude. He’s one of the only people in this competition GIVING ME GODDAMN ANYTHING TO WORK WITH. He’s crushing this and being a giant goofball while doing it. Frankly, this show needs more Jacksons.

1. (+1) Damarr Brown

AKA: Catchphrase. James Beard. Screech.

Then again… maybe you don’t need more Jacksons? At the other end of the spectrum is Damarr, quite possibly the most low-key human ever to appear on a reality show. This man seems physiologically incapable of artifice. Weirdly, this only seems to make him more watchable. You can give this guy the most dogshit ad copy imaginable and he will actually bring something genuine to it. It’s almost scary.

Anyway, Damarr made some kind of fried oyster on top of Fresno chow-chow (as a Fresnan I was pleased) over a cream sauce with caviar in it. Like Buddha, the only thing holding him back was being on a team with Luke and Ashleigh, who the judges weren’t so hot on. I’m going to end this recap here. I have a lot of thoughts about Damarr’s chances in this competition, but I don’t want to write them down for fear of jinxing him.

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Read the rest of our Top Chef Power Rankings here. Vince Mancini is on Twitter.