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Every Billie Eilish Song, Ranked

Billie Eilish’s journey to pop music fame might have seemed sudden to some (“I thought her name was William Eyelash,” went the Dionne Warwick tweet), but in truth the Los Angeles genre-defying wunderkind has been on the come-up since she first began writing songs at age 11 alongside her older brother and producer Finneas O’Connell. With a curious knack for blending genres and, to borrow another quote from Warwick, “singing like it is Halloween,” Billie was arguably the first to mainstream the now-ubiquitous “genreless” Gen Z pop a few years before everyone became obsessed with talking about Gen Z. Since 2016, Billie’s immense popularity has helped lay the groundwork for the success of today’s alt-pop acolytes: Olivia Rodrigo, Girl In Red, Willow, and Clairo, just to name a few.

Initially, fans strongly connected with Billie’s soul-bearing, ethereal songs about anxiety and mental health, subjects she explored on the 2017 EP Don’t Smile At Me, and then on her debut LP, 2019’s Grammy-winning When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? Later, on her recently released sophomore effort, Happier Than Ever, she unapologetically played with her look, morphing from a neon-green teen to buxom blonde bombshell, and attempted to process the myriad changes in her life, post-fame.

In honor of Billie reaching new stratospheric levels of pop stardom on Happier Than Ever, we present a ranked list of her songs, worst to best.

48. “!!!!!!!”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

The brief LOL-ing opener to Billie’s debut album perfectly sets the scene where she’s made all of her music up to this point: a tiny bedroom in Los Angeles, sitting beside her brother, who’s on production. Their relationship mirrors the success of so many other family acts: The Bee Gees, The Carpenters, HAIM, the Jackson 5. At this point, it’s safe to add Billie and Finneas to that list.

47. “Bored”

Album: 13 Reasons Why Season 1 Soundtrack

A relatively straightforward R&B cut provided for the 13 Reasons Why season 1 soundtrack, “Bored” doesn’t stand out quite as much as the majority of Billie’s work, even as a one-off. Still, it’s very pretty, and the lush chorus has a sighing quality. You have to admire Billie and Finneas’ adherence to a theme, even if it’s a little on-the-nose.

46. “&Burn”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

If this sounds like a callback to another early Billie single, that’s for good reason: “&Burn,” featuring an assist from Vince Staples, originally shared a production womb with “Watch” until it split apart and became its own thing. The song, a thudding pop and hip-hop hybrid, is powerful by itself, but is brought to another level with Vince’s sharp verses.

45. “8”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Simply named for its track number on When We All Fall Asleep, this ukulele-led ballad captures most relationships’ inherent communication breakdown. While Billie is fighting to keep a partnership alive, making the strong point that “you said, ‘Don’t treat me badly,’” ultimately it’s no use. People change, and they also change their minds.

44. “Listen Before I Go”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

The twelfth track on When We All Fall Asleep is stripped down to piano and soft synths but still quite gripping, allowing Billie’s quavering vocals to lead the charge. It’s probably best appreciated over a pair of high-quality headphones, where you can really pinpoint Finneas’ minimalist production touches.

43. “Bellyache”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

Though Billie’s early singles were known for their relative sparseness, “Bellyache” is a full-bodied standout, scattering a spectrum of sonic influences: hip-hop, R&B, deep house, electropop, and Latin macabre, among others. Thematically, its lyrics offer a peek into the physical and mental pain its author was capable of experiencing in childhood as a result of guilt. As such, Billie takes on the persona of a psychopath who kills both their friends and lover, then experiences deep remorse.

42. “Lo Vas a Olvidar” Featuring Rosalía

This mostly acapella single — a haunting venture between Billie and Rosalía — may not have needed to happen, but it’s impossible to think that a collaboration like this wouldn’t result in something beautiful. Billie sings mostly in Spanish, a language any international pop star should familiarize themselves with (it just seems practical).

41. “Halley’s Comet”

Album: Happier Than Ever

A gentle ballad featuring a music-box piano interlude, “Halley’s Comet” is one of the more minimal tracks in Billie’s catalog, but all the better to showcase her trilling vocals. The production might be simpler, but this song is as thematically rich as any, using a cosmic anomaly to articulate being pulled into love’s tractor beam.

40. “Billie Bossa Nova”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Billie noticeably expands her sonic approach on the gently strummed “Billie Bossa Nova,” which, like its title, leans into the Brazilian-born rhythm. Thematically, Billie and Finneas spin a yarn around a touring pop star who engages in a secret love affair. Whether or not it’s based on anything true doesn’t really matter — given Billie’s level of fame, finding time and energy for romance may always result in us[ing] different names at hotel check-ins.

39. “Copycat”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

The eerie, ultra-catchy opener to Billie’s debut EP immediately sets the tone for what’s to come. Over a skittering, minimalist hip-hop beat, “Copycat,” described as “the precursor to ‘Bad Guy,’” showcases Billie’s impressive vocal range, layering harmonies together to create an ominous, chilling sensation that would go on to define the majority of her future work.

38. “Everybody Dies”

Album: Happier Than Ever

One of the classically jazzier singles on Happier Than Ever, this downtempo ballad contemplates the point of love, the way change is inevitable, and the frightening concept that after we go, those still living may not remember us. “It’s okay to cry,” Billie concludes. “You are not alone. You are not unknown.”

37. “Bitches Broken Hearts”

As the B-side to “You Should See Me In A Crown,” “Bitches Broken Hearts” is a sly R&B single bolstered by Billie’s silky vocals. Toeing the line between sensitive and aloof, Billie addresses a former love interest, asserting that she no longer needs or cares about them: “You can pretend you don’t miss me / You can pretend you don’t care / All you wanna do is kiss me / Oh, what a shame, I’m not there.”

36. “Come Out And Play”

Most of Billie’s early songs sound ready to soundtrack your nightmares, but “Come Out And Play” is the pleasant, sunny exception. It’s all sunny acoustic strums and empowering invitations to embrace what’s possible (“You don’t have to keep it quiet / And I know it makes you nervous / But I promise you, it’s worth it / To show ’em everything you kept inside/Don’t hide, don’t hide”).

35. “Getting Older”

Album: Happier Than Ever

When the bulk of your success comes at such an early age, it’s impossible not to feel older than your years before you even hit 20. Billie processes household name-level fame on her sophomore album’s opener, which astutely observes how “things I once enjoyed / just keep me employed now.” Billie might look and sound a little different here, but her hyper-honest point of view remains as articulate as ever.

34. “Goldwing”

Album: Happier Than Ever

The hymnal sixth cut from Happier Than Ever might open with a church choir sound, but it quickly evolves into something more complex. Over syncopated beats and the repeated “goldwing” echoing in the background, Billie rightly observes how fleeting fame can be: “They’re gonna’ tell you what you wanna hear, then they’re gonna disappear / Gonna’ claim you like a souvenir / Just to sell you in a year.”

33. “My Strange Addiction”

Album: When We All Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Billie’s absurdist sense of humor sneaks in here, with soundbites from The Office episode “Threat Level Midnight” sprinkled throughout this upbeat track. “No, Billy, I haven’t done that dance since my wife died,” Michael Scott’s voice opens to describe his made-up character’s trademark groove. “We literally just ripped the audio from Netflix and put it in the song, not at all thinking that they would say yes to it and we’d be able to put it out,” Billie told MTV News after the song dropped. “Also, it’s about strange addictions, and The Office is mine, so…” Fair enough!

32. “Hostage”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

This stripped-down number, about wanting someone so badly you could picture possessing them, closes out Billie’s debut EP. Bolstered by Finneas’ backing vocal, “Hostage” is one of Billie’s more bare-bones tracks, but it’s got staying power, thanks to its delicate, slow-build production, plus self-aware lyrics that admit to going a little overboard (“it’s not like me to be so mean”). But who among us hasn’t wanted to “crawl inside your veins” when we’re that into someone?

31. “I Didn’t Change My Number”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Can people change? Well, they certainly evolve, especially when you’re young and one year feels like a decade. “I didn’t change my number / I only changed who I reply to” cleverly encapsulates the way a device — which are basically just extensions of our personalities now — stays static, but the person it reaches is always growing.

30. “Idontwannabeyouanymore”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

Though her sophomore album has come to be more associated with Billie’s interest in jazz, this 2017 single offers an early-catalog dip into that particular influence. Opening with light piano and a vocal scat, the Amy Winehouse-esque “Idontwannabeyouanymore” is a peek into Billie’s psyche under a cloud of depression and an inspired example of her stylistic range.

29. “Ilomilo”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Fans might remember that this ska-influenced track is where Billie got the name for her documentary, The World’s A Little Blurry. Buried down into the B-sides on When We All Fall Asleep, “Ilomilo” is a creepy listen, relying on stuttering vocal manipulation and clinking keys. If Tim Burton wrote a pop song, this is probably what it would sound like.

28. “Goodbye”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

“I’m the bad guy,” are the last words we hear on the closing track to Billie’s debut, which brings us full circle, right back to the first song on the album. This kind of Easter egg is what makes Billie (and Finneas) true album artists, interested in creating a body of work in conversation with itself. It’s a lost art these days, in our ongoing era where singles and playlists take priority over the dusty album. But Billie’s a shining exception, able to engage in both worlds — and make it look easy.

27. “When I Was Older”

Album: Music Inspired By The Film Roma

Directly inspired by Alfonso Cuarón’s masterful 2018 film Roma, “When I Was Older” makes its stamp in the Eilish canon with a spooky lullaby melody and Eilish’s warped vocals. It may not sound remotely related to Cuarón’s story about a Mexican domestic worker in the 1970s, but “When I Was Older” creeps under your skin, regardless.

26. “Male Fantasy”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Closing out an expansive sophomore effort that brims with themes around growing up, coming to terms with fame, and the unwelcome blare of strangers’ opinions, “Male Fantasy” is a classically gorgeous ballad that reminds you (lest you forget) that Billie Eilish can sing. “Male Fantasy” is also a song about being kinder to yourself, about letting yourself take the necessary time to heal after a broken heart, no matter how badly you like to just move on already.

25. “Overheated”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Billie uses “Overheated” as a vehicle to hit back at body-shamers, wryly asking, “Is it news? News to who? / That I really looked just like the rest of you?” It shouldn’t be, and luckily for us, she won’t “be defeated.”

24. “My Boy”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

Dropping in with a grooving, neo-jazz intro, “My Boy” quickly pivots into new sonic territory, dropping in a hi-hat rhythm, a funky bass line, R&B melody, and even a spooky theremin. The mish-mash of genre never once overwhelms Billie’s vocal, though: she commands the song with observations about a two-faced love interest who “loves his friends like I love my split ends.”

23. “Not My Responsibility”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Opinions: everyone has them, and if you’re as famous as Billie’s become, everyone’ll have them about you. This minimalist, spoken-word track, appearing on Happier Than Ever, has Billie attempting to make sense of this phenomenon, pointing out the double-standards placed on female pop stars (“If I wear what is comfortable, I am not a woman; If I shed the layers, I’m a slut”). Ultimately, she concludes that it’s useless to engage — your opinions are not her responsibility.

22. “Oxytocin”

Album: Happier Than Ever

It kinda makes sense that an album called Happier Than Ever would feature a rushing song named after a hormone associated with love. Drawing sonic comparisons to experimental performers like Grimes and even Nine Inch Nails, “Oxytocin” crashes into your ears like a waterfall of sound and gives Billie ample space to explore a late-adolescence ode to lust.

21. “Party Favor”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

This super-simple song sounds like a peek into Billie’s earliest songwriting, led by ukulele strums and accented with tinkling bells. Don’t let the lighthearted, folksy melody fool you though — the lyrics give way to a scenario where Billie is leaving an overly possessive love interest on his birthday. “You just want what you can’t have,” she warns him. Part of growing up means realizing that there’s never an ideal time to leave, so it might as well be now.

20. “Six Feet Under”

Fun fact about Billie’s debut 2016 single that seems like a family Easter egg: Billie’s mom, Maggie Baird, had a small but vital role on HBO’s ‘00s funeral parlor drama Six Feet Under. Likewise, one of the most pivotal needle-drops in TV history is Sia’s “Breathe Me,” which soundtracked the final scene on Six Feet Under’s series finale. Circling back, Billie’s gentle yet forlorn “Six Feet Under” opens with a similar first line from “Breathe Me”: “Help, I lost myself again” (Sia’s was “Ouch, I have lost myself again”). Coincidence? I hope not.

19. “NDA”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Ascending to the levels of fame Billie has would undoubtedly leave the anyone with a lot to process. Happier Than Ever unwinds a number of those lessons, and its second single, “NDA,’ unpacks those themes on a more microcosmic scale. Against a spare acoustic plucks, Billie tackles secret relationships and houses (the singer reportedly moved out of her parents’ place in 2019), cancel culture, stalkers, and then some. Listening to the pulsating “NDA” is even a little stressful, but it’s probably nothing compared to what its author experiences on a daily basis.

18. “Wish You Were Gay”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

“I just wanna make you feel OK / But all you do is look the other way.” Despite the potentially misleading title (Billie’s caught some flack for queer-baiting), you can’t argue with the highly relatable themes in this mid-tempo jaunt. So often when we like someone and they don’t feel the same way, we get a lot of “it’s not you, it’s me.” Except that oftentimes it IS us. So wouldn’t it be nice if it actually was them?

17. “No Time To Die”

For the longest time, Billie and Finneas’ cinematic entry into the Bond canon stood firmly on its own without an accompanying film, which kept getting pushed back due to the Covid pandemic. It’s a strong song even if you cut out the Bond machine. Add it back in, though, and it’s even more impressive, with Billie’s cooing vocals smooth-sailing over elaborate, swelling strings. Billie and Finneas successfully left their stamp on the franchise without ever overwhelming.

16. “Watch”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

Generally, Billie is best known for her minimalist, non-traditional song frameworks. Not so with “Watch,” which evolves into a sweeping, orchestral chorus about leaving a toxic relationship (“I’ll sit and watch your car burn / With the fire that you started in me”). The beat, meanwhile, tick-tocks like a literal timepiece, offering a clever double-meaning to the song’s title.

15. “I Love You”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

A quiet acoustic ballad near the end of Billie’s debut LP, “I Love You” is a fluid, slowly expanding song about being drawn to someone despite not wanting to be. “Maybe won’t you take it back / Say you were tryna make me laugh / And nothing has to change today / You didn’t mean to say ‘I love you’ / I love you and I don’t want to,” Billie sings, joined in by Finneas on backing vocals. Love has rarely sounded so bittersweet.

14. “Bury A Friend”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?
Playing out like a horror film, the galloping “Bury A Friend” is undoubtedly the tone-setter for Billie’s debut LP. Her manipulated vocals barely rise above a murmur as screams sound in the distance. In an uncannily apt adolescence-as-horror symbolic move, “Bury A Friend” also contains the screech of Billie’s orthodontist shaving off her braces. And yet, this song is not so one-note: its steady rhythm almost sounds like a childhood nursery rhyme, giving “Bury A Friend” unexpected depth.

13. “Xanny”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?
It’s a little wild to think how a song named after the teen slang term for benzodiazepines was actually inspired by Frank Sinatra. Chalk it up to Billie’s unique understanding of classic pop and jazz, which is on full display here. A downtempo ballad, “Xanny” is led by Billie’s quivering vocals and drizzled with piano flourish. But because it’s Billie (and Finneas), they can’t resist a little sonic experimentation that sonically mirrors the moment a K-hole drags you in.

12. “My Future”

Album: Happier Than Ever

When fame comes as fast as it did for Billie, there’s not always time to slow down and process. Maybe Covid, when “My Future” was written, served as a good thing for Billie, then, who no doubt got the time she needed to digest all of the attention, critical adulation, and Grammy awards she earned around When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? Here, over a quickened beat, Billie looks forward to what’s next, claiming that she doesn’t know — anymore than we do — what that’ll look like.

11. “Happier Than Ever”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Many of Billie’s songs have a tendency to switch gears, and her second album’s title track is a prime example of that pattern, starting out totally stripped-back and evolving into an explosive, bring-the-house-down ballad.

10. “Lost Cause”

Album: Happier Than Ever

A kiss-off anthem as only Billie could do, “Lost Cause” is a portrait of a woman coming into her own as both a singer and young adult. Over a trip-hop beat, Billie sings about how hindsight is everything (“thought you had your shit together, but damn, I was wrong”) and what once looked anti-establishment is actually just lame and irresponsible (“I know you think you’re such an outlaw / But you got no job”).

9. “Therefore I Am”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Billie again bites back at the onslaught of opinions, specifically those of the press (“articles, articles, articles… Got a lotta interviews, interviews, interviews… Get my pretty name out of your mouth”). When extreme fame shows up, the press cycle becomes more of a necessary evil — an occupational hazard, even. To process, Billie adopts a Cartesian phrase and the result is a spectacularly groovy hip-pop ode to those who would write clickbait about her.

8. “Everything I Wanted”

“I had a dream / I got everything I wanted.” The opening line from Billie’s one-off release between albums says it all. More to the point, though, “Everything I Wanted” is a truly gorgeous ode to the relationship between Billie and Finneas, two siblings who genuinely appear to support each other in their creative endeavors. “But when I wake up, I see / You with me,” Billie concludes in a murmured thank you to her older brother and closest collaborator. Staying grounded is easy with this kind of familial support.

7. “You Should See Me In A Crown”

Album: When We All Asleep, Where Do We Go?

One of the darkest songs in Billie’s catalog, “You Should See Me In A Crown” is also one of the most sonically rich. Hi-hats skitter over a migraine-inducing beat, while the opening seconds contain a recording of Billie’s father sharpening knives. And yet, thanks to a dynamic uptempo rhythm, “You Should See Me In A Crown” ends up being one hell of a satisfying pop song, surpassing genre and containing unlimited emotional depth.

6. “All the Good Girls Go to Hell”

Album: When We All Asleep, Where Do We Go?

The thematic depth of this single becomes immediately apparent the moment Billie croaks, “My Lucifer is lonely.” Over a savvy, upbeat rhythm, the singer spins a yarn about how the human race has so royally screwed itself over around climate change that now God and the Devil, like disappointed parents, have to talk about why their subjects have made such a mess of things on Earth. It’s like Gen Z’s reimagining of Paradise Lost.

5. “Lovely” featuring Khalid

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

One has to choose wisely when selecting a guest vocalist to sing with Billie, and the powers that be chose wisely in Khalid. Together, their soaring voices compliment each other without overwhelming each other, creating a stunning, instant-classic ballad for the ages.

4. “Your Power”

Album: Happier Than Ever

Years after the #MeToo revolution of 2017, we’re still having conversations about how the rich and powerful regularly abuse their authority. This is Billie’s entry into the canon, with a painstakingly delicate track about the dangerous dynamics of control, and how we owe it to each other to change things for the better.

3. “When The Party’s Over”

Album: When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Billie’s ethereal falsetto has never sounded more bone-chilling here. Accompanied by almost no instruments, save for sub-bass and a little piano, “When The Party’s Over” is a true showcase of Billie’s vocal ability and Finneas’ innovative production, which layered nearly 100 vocal tracks on top of each other to create that ultra-dense harmony.

2. “Ocean Eyes”

Album: Don’t Smile At Me EP

Billie was scary-young when this gem of a track first came out — barely 15. But the full breadth of her talents were definitely on display, even as far back as 2016. The harmony-driven “Ocean Eyes” is a simple song, both lyrically and production-wise, but it doesn’t need any flourish. Billie’s crystalline, beyond-her-years vocals take center stage and pull you in with the unseen force of an undertow.

1. “Bad Guy”

Album: When We All Asleep, Where Do We Go?

For the average music fan, Billie arguably blew up the moment “Bad Guy” came out. She’s grown exponentially as a singer and songwriter since then, but at the time, “Bad Guy” served as something of a marketing pitch for who Billie is as a performer: innovative, mysterious, funny, self-effacing, and totally unbound by genre. Aided by Finneas’ wide-open-spaces production technique, “Bad Guy” bounces with trippy beats, a haunting synth line, and Billie’s own hushed vocals. And it’s no wonder Billie’s hero Justin Bieber hopped on board for the remix — the relative simplicity of a song like “Bad Guy” proves the staying power of pop’s classic formula of repetition and minimalism — with an innovative personality like Billie’s thrown in for good measure.

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SNX: Starring Billie Eilish’s Sneaker Debut

Welcome to SNX DLX, our weekly roundup of the best sneakers to hit the market. This week the big brands are still keeping quiet, so our list is on the lighter side once again. But be prepared for things to pick up in the next couple of weeks leading up to Halloween as just about every brand gears up to drop their holiday special releases. This season tends to deliver a lot of sneakers with black, orange, and purple colorways, and while things can get pretty gimmicky pretty fast, it’s not all bad, just look at this week’s latest Jordan 5 drop for proof!

This week Nike is back in its dominant position, snagging the lion’s share of spots while Adidas struggles to keep up. Nothing new of note from brands like New Balance, but we’re anticipating a big drop soon from Salehe Bembury, who is scheduled to unveil his latest New Balance collaboration sometime this month. This week also sees Billie Eilish’s big Nike debut, so even though options are slim this time around, there is still plenty of hype for this week’s offerings.

Let’s dive in!

Nike Dunk High 1985 Black Acid Wash

Nike

Generally, the high-top Dunk doesn’t come close to reaching the popularity of Nike’s low-top Nike SB Dunk, but the 1985 iteration of the silhouette comes pretty damn close and makes the case for this silhouette’s high-top from existing in the first place.

This week the silhouette gets a cow print-esque colorway called Black Acid Wash and features acid wash paneling, an aged midsole, a yellow leather underlay, and a grey outsole with a moody black wraparound swoosh.

The Nike Dunk High 1985 Black Acid Wash is out now for a retail price of $130. The shoes are sold out at Nike, so pick up a pair at your favorite aftermarket site.

Nike
Nike

Nike AJKO Storm Blue

Nike

Looking for a casual Jordan? The AJKO is your jam. Featuring a mixed upper of leather and canvas, this AJKO is lighter than your average Jordan 1 thanks to swapping the leather for a canvas base and is supposed to offer a more comfortable fit. As great as the Jordan 1 silhouette is, it’s old, and as such, it doesn’t offer the best foot support. The AJKO attempts to remedy some of those issues.

It’s not quite as iconic as the original, but sometimes comfort rules all.

The Nike AJKO Storm Blue is out now for a retail price of $140. The shoes are sold out at Nike, so pick up a pair at your favorite aftermarket site.

Nike
Nike

Nike WMNS Dunk High Aluminum

Nike

This week brings yet another beautiful WMNS-size exclusive from Nike, this time a high-top Dunk dubbed “Aluminum.” The Aluminum features a bright white and sky blue makeup over a leather upper that looks downright heavenly.

Look at this thing! It’s a no-brainer pick-up this week.

The Nike WMNS Dunk High Aluminum is set to drop on September 30th for a retail price of $110. Pick up a pair via the Nike SNKRS app or at GOAT when it hits the aftermarket.

Nike
Nike

Nike AJKO 1 Billie Eilish

Jordan Brand

Obviously, we’re big fans of that moment when a huge music superstar drops their first signature Nike — it’s a beautiful thing. Travis Scott’s Jordan 1s, Beyonce’s Super Sleek 72, Bad Bunny’s Forums, Kanye’s whole career… they’re all footwear essentials and now joining the ranks of those very big names is none other than Billie Eilish, debuting her foray into sneakers with the most Billie Eilish-looking colorway ever.

AJKO 1 Billie Eilish features a slime green upper (it’s actually Lime Green, but come on “Slime” is so much more Billie) made with 20% recycled material by weight. Few (if any) artists dabbling into the sneaker realm ever go the sustainable route, so it’s cool to see Billie spark what we hope is a trend.

The Nike AJKO 1 Billie Eilish is set to drop on September 30th for a retail price of $170. Pick up a pair via the Nike SNKRS app.

Nike
Nike

Nike Air Jordan 5 Orange Blaze (Shattered Backboard)

Nike

If you caught our list of the best Jordan 5 colorways of all time, you no doubt left that article wanting to cop a lot of shoes that are out of the price range of anyone reasonable, even the average sneakerhead. Luckily, this is your week to snag a legendary colorway as the famed Shattered Backboard colorway is rereleasing this week under the name “Orange Blaze.”

The AJ5 Orange Blaze features a Sail leather upper with textile mesh detailing, an Orange Blaze midsole, and a speckled shark tooth mudguard with a reflective tongue. It’s a work of art and looks perfect for the fall and Halloween seasons.

The Nike Air Jordan 5 Orange Blaze is set to drop on October 2nd for a retail price of $190. Pick a pair via the Nike SNKRS app or hit GOAT or Flight Club to pick it up on the aftermarket.

Nike
Nike

Adidas Jeremy Scott Dip Collection

Adidas

In the late ‘90s and early ‘00s, Apple dropped a range of iMac computers that were housed in see-through plastic casings. At the time, they looked incredibly futuristic, until they eventually looked tacky as the decade went on. But as is the case with fashion and culture, give it 20 years and people are ready to fall back in love with it, and if you’re currently nostalgic for the early ‘00s or you’re just dressing like you are, nothing captures the magic of those early iMac’s quite like Moschino creative director Jeremy Scott’s Dip collection for Adidas.

Launching alongside a matching apparel collection, the Dip Collection features four iterations of Adidas Forum High and Forum Low silhouette dressed in vibrant neon colorways like Solar Yellow, Solar Pink, Blue, and Signal Orange. If you’re aboard the current Y2K fashion aesthetic, you’re going to want this collection.

The Adidas Jeremy Scott Dip Collection is set to drop on October 2nd for a retail price of $160. Pick up a pair via the Adidas confirmed app.

Adidas
Adidas
Adidas

Dr. Martens Quad Neoteric Collection

Dr. Martens

Now that we’re in the fall season our wardrobes are in flux. We’re ditching shorts and t-shirts for long sleeves, pants, jackets, and anything else we can layer. But outerwear isn’t the only thing that changes with the season, so does footwear and with the changing temperatures, you’re probably going to need a solid pair of boots.

Well, lucky for us, Dr. Martens is dropping three new boots to match the season.

The Quad Neoteric consists of the Audrick 8-Eye Boot, the Audrick Chelsea, and the Audrick 3-Eye, which all sit atop a chunky 1.9mm thick sole with PVC outsoles and an EVA midsole.

The Dr. Martens Quad Neoteric collection is set to drop on September 30th for a price range of $179 to $231. Pick up a pair at the Dr. Martens webstore.

Dr. Martens
Dr. Martens

Disclaimer: While all of the products recommended here were chosen independently by our editorial staff, Uproxx may receive payment to direct readers to certain retail vendors who are offering these products for purchase.

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Eminem Surprised The First Ten Customers At His Newly-Opened Restaurant By Personally Serving Them

Today was the grand opening of Eminem’s new restaurant Mom’s Spaghetti. The eatery is, of course, inspired by a popular line from the rapper’s Oscar-winning track “Lose Yourself.” “His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy,” he raps on the track. “There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.” He turned the line into a promotional event for his 2017 album, Revival, and launched a pop-up dedicated to Detroit hospital workers last year. With Mom’s Spaghetti now open for business, the rapper made a special appearance there to ring in opening day.

The first ten people that showed up at Mom’s Spaghetti were greeted by Eminem himself, who was manning the order window of the restaurant, which is located on Woodward Avenue according to the Detroit Free Press. He handed out meals, placed orders, and took selfies with those who wanted to capture the moment. Eminem and his crew eventually departed the restaurant in pair of SUVs that were momentarily chased by a large group of fans.

This comes as Eminem is preparing to deliver new music. He’s reportedly set to release an untitled song that features Mozzy, Polo G, and Skylar Grey on Friday, October 1. The single is also slated to appear on the soundtrack for Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage, which also arrives on Friday.

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Coi Leray Says Lil Durk Stopped Her From Quitting Music: ‘This Man Right Here Believed In Me’

Over the last year, Coi Leray has become one of music’s newest stars. The New Jersey rapper went big with her viral hit “No More Parties,” which received a remix from Lil Durk. She’s also done collaborations with Pooh Shiesty and others. Despite her popularity, Leray has been criticized for a number of things, from her music to her physical appearance. There was a point where it became too much for her to handle. She even almost called it quits. However, one of her past collaborators changed her mind.

In a post on her Instagram Story, Leray revealed that Lil Durk stopped her from quitting music. “Almost gave up one day and he told me don’t ever stop,” she wrote next to a picture of herself and the Chicago rapper. “Most artist show love from a distance on some weird sh*t, but this man right here believed in me, believe[d] in ‘No More Parties’ and been behind me ever since. He know a star when he see one, and I just wanna thank you for all your support. OTF FOREVER.”

The rapper recently dropped her latest single, “Twinnem,” which was the follow-up to her confident single, “Okay Yeah,” released last month.

Pooh Shiesty is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

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Ridley Scott Says The Script For The ‘Gladiator’ Sequel Is Being ‘Written Now’ And He’ll Film It After His Napoleon Movie

Ridley Scott is 83 years old, but he’s busier than those a third his age. He has two movies being released in the next three months. His next film is Kitbag, a Napoleon movie starring Joaquin Phoenix and Jodie Comer. Oh, and that Gladiator sequel he’s been talking about for ages? That’s still on the docket, too. And he wants everyone to know that’s coming sooner rather than later (but not that soon).

In a new interview with Empire (as caught by The Hollywood Reporter), the Oscar-nominated filmmaker laid out his packed line-up. “I’m already having [the next] Gladiator written now,” Scott said. “So when I’ve done Napoleon, Gladiator will be ready to go.”

Considering its hero, Russell Crowe’s Maximus, didn’t make it to the end of the first Gladiator, what could the sequel be about? According to THR, it’s “slated to follow Lucius, the son of Connie Nielsen’s Lucilla and nephew of Joaquin Phoenix’s power-hungry and amoral Commodus. Both Lucilla and Lucius were saved by Crowe’s Maximus from the embittered Roman emperor before the gladiator passed on to be with his own slain family.”

In the first film, which won a heap of Oscars, including Best Picture, Lucius was played by Spencer Treat Clark. It’s not clear if he’ll return, though he did reprise another childhood role, the son of Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, for its threequel, Glass.

Incidentally, since Gladiator, Scott has directed a whopping 13 more feature-length films, not counting the forthcoming power duo of The Last Duel and House of Gucci, which are due October 15 and November 24, respectively. And he wants to make another Alien prequel! And a spy movie called Queen & Country! And he’s in his mid-80s! And you thought 91-year-old Clint Eastwood was a prolific auteur.

(Via Empire and THR)

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Our Barrel-Aged Stout Blind Taste Test Will Help You Brace For Cool Weather

As the weather grows colder, it’s only a matter of time before your attention begins to turn toward the bold, brash, potent barrel-aged stout. These pitch black, indulgent, rich, robust craft beers begin with the stout you know and love and mature the brews in barrels (usually refill bourbon). The result is something completely unique — perfect to warm you up on the crispest of fall days.

Just like aging whiskey imparts various flavors, maturing a stout in a second fill bourbon barrels adds complex flavors of its own. Some of those are derived from the tannins in the wood, others come from the remnants of the bourbon itself. Typically you can expect notes of vanilla beans, dark chocolate, fudge, caramel, and charred oak. Depending on the barrel type, the beer may take on other flavors as well — sweeter, fruitier spirits like brandy might add a stonefruit nature.

Over the past decade, this style has rapidly gained momentum, with more breweries releasing their own versions every year. And since fall is fully here, we figured the time was right to do a blind taste test of some of the most well-known, beloved barrel-aged stouts on the market. From the OG Goose Island Bourbon County Stout to more contemporary offerings, I tried them all. Keep reading to see the other brews I selected, nosed, and tasted.

Part 1: The Taste

This could get a little tricky as, even though these are all stouts, the addition of various ingredients and aging vessels guarantees that all are nuanced, unique, and at least a little bit different. Still, in order to truly rank them, the blind taste test is the way to go. This way, there’s nothing to sway me in any direction besides my senses of taste and smell.

Here’s our lineup:

  • Goose Island Bourbon County Stout
  • Founders Kentucky Breakfast Stout
  • Perennial Barrel-Aged Abraxas
  • Deschutes Abyss
  • Firestone Walker Parabola
  • New Holland Dragon’s Milk
  • Oskar Blues Barrel Aged Ten Fidy
  • Great Divide Barrel Aged Yeti

Let’s get our stout on!

Taste #1:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

The nose is all bourbon, vanilla beans, and wood char, and not much else. Sipping it revealed more flavors like caramel, espresso beans, dark chocolate, and more sweet bourbon. But it still didn’t wow me.

It’s not a bad beer by any degree, it’s just a touch drier and more bitter than I’d prefer.

Taste#2:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

There’s a ton of oak, caramel malts, roasted coffee, dark chocolate, and dried fruits on the nose. The palate is a complex mix of dried cherries, toasted vanilla beans, butterscotch, dark chocolate, more coffee, and dry, oaky wood at the end.

Taste #3:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

A lot is going on with this beer’s nose. There are pronounced aromas of oaky wood, sweet caramel, vanilla beans, and freshly brewed coffee. The palate swirls with dark chocolate, more vanilla sweetness, dried berries, sweet bourbon, and a gentle nutty flavor throughout.

All in all, a fairly perfect aged stout.

Taste #4:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

Nosing this beer revealed brown sugar, caramel, and vanilla. The palate is filled with toffee, chocolate fudge, oak, and freshly brewed coffee. It’s rich, smooth, and sweet, but could be a little more nuanced than it is.

The bourbon flavor and alcohol are a bit strong.

Taste #5:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

I began by breathing in the aromas of coffee beans, dark chocolate, oak, and vanilla beans. Sipping it brought forth hints of sticky toffee, bitter chocolate, espresso, vanilla, and oak. The finish was warming, slightly sweet, and ended with a nice extra kick of caramel-like bourbon.

Taste #6:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

I was greeted with a complex nose of dried fruits, milk chocolate, roasted coffee beans, and wood char. The palate was loaded with caramel malts, sweet vanilla beans, dark chocolate, slight coconut, and a slightly bitter finish that left me wanting more.

Taste #7:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

This is a very aromatic beer. There are notes of dried fruits, dark chocolate, vanilla beans, and freshly brewed coffee. When I took a sip, I noted flavors of toffee, sweet bourbon, more coffee, dried cherries, and a gentle bitterness that rounded everything together nicely.

Taste #8:

Christopher Osburn

Tasting Notes:

The aroma is highlighted by spicy, peppery notes that are tempered with sweet vanilla beans, light cinnamon, and dried fruits. The palate is more of the same, with a spicy heat upfront followed by dark chocolate, sweet caramel, vanilla, and a nice fruity sweetness that brings everything together.

Part 2: The Ranking

We’ve spent many articles blindly ranking various spirits, beer styles, and even cocktails, but a beer as refined, bold, and exciting as a barrel-aged stout brings that blind taste test to a whole new level. To rank these notable beers, I simply nosed and tasted each, writing down my initial perceptions of each beer’s aroma and flavor. That’s it. Simple, succinct, and easy.

But also… lots of surprises.

Keep reading to see just how everything turned out.

8) Oskar Blues Barrel Aged Ten Fidy (Taste 4)

Oskar Blues

ABV: 12.5%
Average Price: $20 for a four-pack

The Beer:

If you’re a stout fan, you’ve probably had the rich, chocolatey Ten Fidy. Named because this imperial stout carries an ABV of 10.5%, it’s only slightly confusing that the barrel-aged version is 12.5% (the liquid reduces with water evaporating to a larger degree).

It’s aged in former bourbon barrels for at least eight months. This imparts sweet vanilla, chocolate, and caramel flavors.

Bottom Line:

This beer packs a punch. And while this is expected with barrel-aged beers, the bourbon sweetness and overall alcohol flavor are a bit in your face.

7) New Holland Dragon’s Milk (Taste 1)

New Holland

ABV: 11%
Average Price: $16.99 for a four-pack

The Beer:

While some brewery’s only release barrel-aged stouts once per year, New Holland Dragon’s Milk is available year-round. This bold 11% ABV imperial stout was matured for three months in ex-bourbon barrels. It’s known for its rich, coffee, and chocolate notes.

Bottom Line:

Rating and ranking high-quality barrel-aged stouts is very difficult. This is a great beer with a good mix of bourbon sweetness, nutty flavors, and a nice fruity sweetness. It also has a kick of bitter coffee and dark chocolate that might be too intense for some — apparently me, for instance.

Still, lots of folks swear by this one.

6) Great Divide Barrel Aged Yeti (Taste 6)

Great Divide

ABV: 12.5%
Average Price: $10 for a 12-ounce bottle

The Beer:

Great Divide’s Yeti is already a bold, rich, chocolate-filled imperial stout. Its barrel-aged version only ramps up the flavor by aging it for a full year in former whiskey barrels. This results in a smooth, oaky, sweet sipper guaranteed to warm you up on a cool night.

Bottom Line:

While a bitter finish can turn off some drinkers (depending on the beer), when complemented by other sweet fruity, nutty flavors, it’s extremely pleasing and welcome. This being ranked low is more of a testament to the quality of the field than anything else.

5) Founders Kentucky Breakfast Stout (Taste 5)

Founders Brewing

ABV: 11.2%
Average Price: $21 for a four-pack

The Beer:

In the pantheon of barrel-aged stouts, there are few more accomplished and beloved than Founders Kentucky Breakfast Stout. Previously an eagerly awaited annual release, this bourbon barrel-aged coffee and chocolate stout is now available all year long.

Bottom Line

This beer is extremely complex. There are bold coffee, chocolate, and caramel flavors that are only complimented by the sweet, warming flavor of bourbon.

4) Deschutes Abyss (Taste 2)

Deschutes

ABV: 11.1%
Average Price: $19 for a 22-ounce bottle

The Story:

This 11% barrel-aged imperial stout is available year-round. Brewed with 2-Row Pale malts, roasted barley, black barley, black malt, chocolate, wheat, as well as Nugget, Cascade, and Delta hops, it’s aged in a different barrel type each year.

I tried the expression aged in former port wine barrels.

Bottom Line:

This is one of the most complex barrel-aged stouts I’ve ever tried. It’s obvious from the flavor that this one was aged in something besides bourbon. It’s fruitier and nuttier than the others.

3) Goose Island Bourbon County Stout (Taste 3)

Goose Island

ABV: 12.9%
Average Price: $24 for a four-pack

The Beer:

There is no barrel-aged beer as sought-after or well-known as Goose Island Bourbon County Stout. Only released once per year, this iconic brew is aged in ex-bourbon barrels from the likes of Wild Turkey, Heaven Hill, and Buffalo Trace between eight and fourteen months.

Bottom Line:

This beer is a perfect example of the style with complementary flavors of bourbon, chocolate, oak, and dried fruits all working together in unison.

2) Perennial Barrel-Aged Abraxas (Taste 8)

Perennial Ales

ABV: 13%
Average Price: $24.99 for a 750ml bottle

The Beer:

Perennial Abraxis is an imperial stout that’s brewed with cinnamon, cacao nibs, vanilla beans, and ancho chili peppers. It’s spicy, bold, and memorable. The brewery ramps up the flavor with its barrel-aged version that sits in former rye whiskey barrels for 15-17 months.

Bottom Line:

This is definitely a unique beer and that’s not a bad thing. There’s a warming, spicy heat that pairs well with the smoother, silkier barrel-aged flavors.

1) Firestone Walker Parabola (Taste 7)

Firestone Walker

ABV: 13.6%
Average Price: $10.99 for a 12-ounce bottle

The Beer:

Firestone Walker is one of those breweries where you’d have to try really hard to find a beer that wasn’t a banger. Its take on the barrel-aged beer is the much sought-after Parabola. It’s an imperial stout that’s aged for a full year in former bourbon barrels. This results in a well-balanced, sweet, chocolate, and vanilla-filled sipper.

Bottom Line:

This beer is bold, rich, and filled with bourbon sweetness, dried fruits, and dark chocolate. It’s utterly indulgent and completely memorable. Tastes like a decadent chocolate dessert in a pint glass.


As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.

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A Philly Man Is Being Celebrated For Improbably Capturing A Gator With A Trash Bin In Florida

Over 1,000 miles separate Philadelphia and Florida, but they share something in common: They attract some real characters. There isn’t an equivalent for “Florida Man” in the City of Brotherly Love, but real heads know it’s a hotspot for one-in-a-million eccentrics. (If Mare of Easttown had a major flaw, it’s that it didn’t have enough Philly weirdos.) So what happens when a Philadelphia Man moves down to a place where residents bite spring breakers in the face for littering? You get something like the viral video below.

NBC 10 out of Philadelphia proudly reported on the exploits of one Abdul Gene Malik, a former combat veteran and Philly native who reinvented himself as a gator wrangler in Central Florida. When one of the reptiles wound up hanging outside of his home, he got inventive.

The video shows Malik laying down a plastic trash bin, slowly pushing it towards the beast as it hisses at him, all while a nervous crowd watches. (And in one case records it.) Things get especially tense towards the end, when the lid accidentally slams onto the gator’s head. Instead of losing his cool, Malik takes advantage of the confusion, making a quick and final push to scoop the critter up. At that point he tips the can over, the gator fully captured. Cue applause.

According to The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conversation Commission, they receive a year average of 16,000 alligator complaints. Still, if you’re a Floridian who finds a massive, scary reptile lurking outside your home, remember that Malik is a professional. And probably a former Wawa customer.

(Via NBC News Philadelphia)

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Jamie Spears Has Been Suspended As The Conservator Of Britney Spears’ Estate

Here’s the latest update in the Britney Spears’ conservatorship saga: Today Judge Brenda Penny has officially ruled that Jamie Spears is suspended as the conservator of Britney’s estate. TMZ reports that a temporary conservator has been appointed. John Zabel, who is a CPA — unlike Britney’s father — will be temporary conservator of the estate until December 31st. Even though Britney’s own testimony about her father’s abuse and mismanagement seems like proof enough that the situation was dire, it wasn’t until new information came to light in The New York Times‘ follow-up documentary on the subject, Controlling Britney Spears, that real legal momentum to remove Jamie from the situation started to build.

According to the documentary, Jamie had been illegally bugging Britney’s home as part of his surveillance system. That’s a crime in California, where two-party consent for recording is in place, and even the FBI is reportedly looking into the situation. Britney’s recently-hired new lawyer, Mathew Rosengart, has also submitted a request that the conservatorship be terminated sometime this fall, and requested a hearing on the matter in the next 30 to 45 days. No ruling was made on the status of the conservatorship itself, but with the direction of the judge’s ruling today, it seems more likely than ever that the situation will finally be resolved and Britney will be free again.

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These organizations are planting trees to combat the “urban heat island effect” in Richmond

America’s urban areas are often known as concrete jungles due to their abundance of asphalt and lack of parks and natural grassy areas. These neighborhoods are often populated by low-income, communities of color because of discriminatory lending practices known as redlining. These policies, which date back to the 1930s, were put in place to reinforce racial segregation and reallocate city funds to white neighborhoods.

Redlining policies perpetuated inequality that was not only economic but environmental as well.

The buildings, roads, and unnatural infrastructure that make up urban areas absorb and re-emit the sun’s heat more than natural landscapes. This turns urbanized areas into “heat islands” that experience warmer temperatures than greener, less populated neighborhoods.

Richmond, Virginia’s urban heat islands can reach temperatures as much as 20 degrees warmer than the greener areas of the city. Heat islands look to become an even greater problem in the coming years as extreme temperature shifts caused by climate change become more common.

To help create green space in heat-island communities, Capital One is supporting the Arbor Day Foundation and Groundwork RVA with $75,000 in grant funding to plant and distribute roughly 300 trees in affected neighborhoods across Richmond.


“Greenspace and access to fresh food [are] vital to the communities we serve. We are proud to work with Groundwork RVA and the Arbor Day Foundation to help address those needs here in Richmond,” said Andrew Green, Director of Capital One’s Office of Environmental Sustainability.

Together, the three organizations will strive to improve green infrastructure in three areas that have been identified as some of the hottest, least-resourced in Richmond.

Photo courtesy of Capital One

“That coalition is working hard to use resources to mitigate the disparate impacts that those communities have had,” says Rob Jones, Executive Director of Groundwork RVA. “There’s an open conversation in Richmond about how to ameliorate inequities that stem from the direct connection between the discriminatory practice of redlining and the communities impacted by urban heat island effect today.”

The effort began, appropriately, on Earth Day in April of this year when Groundwork RVA’s Green Team and Green Workforce — cohorts of Black and Brown high school students and recent graduates in Richmond — created a volunteer event to plant 50 fruit trees at Sankofa Community Orchard to enhance food access in the city.

The Earth Day project also distributed 50 shade trees to residents.

Members of the Green Team and Green Workforce plan to plant the remaining 250 trees by the end of the year, focusing on neighborhoods in Southside Richmond that have a lot of concrete and a real lack of shade.

The volunteers are also building and maintaining green infrastructure in a variety of ways, including the development of rain gardens, rain capture systems, and permeable pavement.

Several of Groundwork RVA’s participants live in Richmond’s Hillside Court housing project. Volunteers are looking to plant trees in the community to work in tandem with its recently launched mini-farm project to help address the food desert.

“It’s so surreal to see how we can take empty places and turn them into a spot for people to grow food and enjoy the space,” says Darquan Robertson, a Groundwork RVA Green Workforce participant and Hillside Court resident. “I want people in this community to feel like this space is meant for them.”

Photo courtesy of Capital One

Over on Richmond’s Hull Street, the goal is to cool down the neighborhood by filling many of the area’s vacant tree wells with high-quality, shade-producing trees.

Through support from Capital One and the Arbor Foundation, Jones says that Groundwork RVA will be able to purchase equipment, such as a watering truck, needed to sustain its efforts to support the growth of each tree during the two years that follow planting.

“We’re thankful to receive funding from Capital One and the Arbor Day Foundation to plant more trees and build healthier neighborhoods,” Jones said. “This work is not only vital for our communities today but the survival of future generations, especially as we tackle climate change.”

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Portland Trail Blazers 2021-22 Season Preview: Is Portland Meaningfully Better?

Last year, for the second-year in a row, the Portland Trail Blazers lost in the first round of the playoffs. It prompted a coaching change, with Terry Stotts exiting after nine years and Chauncey Billups taking over. It also prompted a summer of Damian Lillard trade speculation that, as of now, hasn’t led to Lillard actually demanding a trade or being seriously linked to another team.

Roster:

Damian Lillard
C.J. McCollum
Norman Powell
Jusuf Nurkic
Robert Covington III
Larry Nance Jr.
Cody Zeller
Ben McLemore
Anfernee Simons
Greg Brown
Tony Snell
Nassir Little
Patrick Patterson (non-guaranteed)
Dennis Smith Jr. (non-guaranteed)
Quinn Cook (non-guaranteed)
Marquese Chriss (non-guaranteed)

Projected Vegas Win Total: 44.5

Biggest Addition: Larry Nance Jr.

Effectively swapping out Derrick Jones Jr. for Nance is good business by Portland. Nance can play a few positions, can defend, can offer some secondary playmaking, and is a solid, if reluctant, three-pointer. He’s not a co-star for Damian Lillard, but he’s a reliable rotation player that Portland can actually play in the playoffs. They need more of that level of player.

Biggest Loss: Enes Kanter, Carmelo Anthony, and Zach Collins

Kanter, Anthony, and Collins are not irreplaceable. In fact, it’s probable that Nance and Cody Zeller are collectively better than them next year. It’s certainly better to have Nance than Collins, as Collins didn’t play at all last year due to injury. But it’s still an adjustment worth watching for a roster that is otherwise the same.

It’s also possible that Stotts is the biggest loss. Perhaps he was just at the end of his run in Portland and a chance was needed, but he seemingly got the most out of that team every year. Will Billups do the same?

Biggest Question: Are the Trail Blazers meaningfully better?

Portland has reason to think that it’s better now than it was last year, particularly if Billups succeeds as a coach. But are they so much better that they go from being the sixth seed last year — and just barely out of the play-in tournament — to one of the top-four teams in the Western Conference? Even if the Clippers take a step back with Kawhi Leonard out and the Nuggets aren’t at their best without Jamal Murray, the West is loaded. Portland has an uphill battle to fight.

What Makes This Season A Success: A deep playoff run

What Damian Lillard, at age 31, wants drives the Trail Blazers. What he seemingly wants right now to contend and make a real push for an NBA title while he’s still in his prime. If the Blazers cannot do that and at least make a Western Conference Finals run akin to what they did a few years back, then further change might be coming to Portland, whether they like it or not.

What Makes This Season A Failure: Missing the playoffs/only making the play-in

If Portland somehow misses the playoffs or finds itself in the 7-10 range as a play-in tournament team, then this season won’t be what they were hoping for. If the former happens, then everything has gone off the rails perhaps due to a Lillard injury or something else catastrophic. If the latter happens — which feels like a possibility considering how good the West is — then they face an uphill battle to even get out of the first round. Would anyone in Portland be happy with that outcome?