The Golden State Warriors agreed to a pair of contracts with an eye on rounding out the back end of their roster. According to Anthony Slater and Shams Charania of The Athletic, the team came to terms on a training camp deal with veteran guard Langston Galloway.
The Golden State Warriors are signing free agent guard Langston Galloway to a training camp deal, sources tell me and @anthonyVslater.
The pair also reported that another veteran perimeter player, Avery Bradley, will get the chance to compete for the final spot on the team’s roster ahead of the 2021-22 season.
Free agent Avery Bradley has agreed to a deal with the Golden State Warriors, sources tell me and @anthonyVslater.
One of the more prominent names that has been around the Warriors in recent days is Isaiah Thomas, whose quest to land with a new NBA team led to him having a cup of coffee with the team in the lead-up to training camp. Slater reported that the two sides will not move forward together, although Thomas did perform well in his opportunity with the team.
Free agent Avery Bradley has agreed to a deal with the Golden State Warriors, sources tell me and @anthonyVslater.
Galloway plied his trade for the Phoenix Suns last season, averaging 4.8 points per game while connecting on 42.4 percent of his threes. He appeared in two games during the team’s run to the NBA Finals. Bradley, meanwhile, had stints with the Miami Heat and Houston Rockets last year, as he was part of the trade that saw Miami acquire Victor Oladipo and averaged 6.4 points per game between his two stops. Like Thomas, he worked out with the Warriors earlier this week.
It’s hard to define exactly what makes a movie a great candidate for Plot Recreated With Reviews, the feature in which I attempt to piece together an entire movie using only expository quotes from movie reviews. Like the Supreme Court said of porn, I can’t explain exactly what it is, but I know it when I see it. All I know is that when I hear the phrase “problematic musical,” I start getting an itchy command-C finger.
Which brings us to Dear Evan Hansen, a much-ridiculed film adaptation of an award-winning musical, in which 27-year-old Ben Platt reprises his Tony-winning stage role in the lead (his father, perhaps not coincidentally, was a producer on the movie). Indeed, “actor too old” seems to be the main bullet point in the let’s-all-dunk-on-this-movie memo that apparently went out to Twitter a few weeks ago. But honestly, I’ve seen actors that old play high school characters before, and I’d almost always prefer competent actors looking slightly too old to convincing young people who can’t act. And yet, the movie does seem plainly dunkable, in a fairly self-evident kind of way.
In reading all these reviews, I think Tribune News Service critic Katie Walsh put her finger on it when she wrote that Evan Hansen was, “one of the most bizarre cinematic portrayals of a teenager, due to all the effort to make Platt, a certifiable hunk, look and seem like a nerdy social outcast with crippling anxiety.”
How do you make an obviously hot guy into a nerdy outcast? Give him a bad wig and some ugly shirts, obviously. Remember when Bradley Cooper played The Elephant Man on stage by simply making a weird face the whole time? God I loved that.
Anyway, I’ve introduced it enough, let’s recreate that plot!
—
THE SETUP
Ben Platt, who also starred in the stage version, reprises his role as Evan Hansen; at 27, he is three years older than Drew Barrymore was when she played an undercover high school student in “Never Been Kissed.” –Detroit News
Evan is a deeply shy, anxiety-ridden loner –Detroit News
“What, are you five?” is the running joke. -Fort Worth Report
A sweaty-palmed mess, his darting eyes and coiled body language repel other students as he sings lustily about feeling unseen. –NY Times
He confides only in Jared, whom Evan considers a friend, though Jared quickly corrects him: “family friend.” –AZ Central
On the first day of his senior year Evan writes himself a letter as a pep talk, an assignment from his therapist. -Detroit News
“Dear Evan Hansen,” it begins, and it includes all sorts of affirmations about having a good day by just being normal and fitting in that he knows, deep down, he won’t be able to achieve. -Detroit News
“I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone,” Evan grumbles in his halting manner. –CNN
THE MIXUP
Thanks to a backup at the library’s printer (hate when that happens!), the letter winds up in the hands of Connor Murphy (Colton Ryan), a troubled classmate of Evan’s. -Detroit News
Connor zeroes in on Evan, screaming at him, scrawling his name on the cast of his broken arm, and snatching his letter. –Tribune News Service
Evan is in an agony of expectation that the bully will post the letter on social media. Instead, the boy kills himself. -San Francisco Chronicle
When the letter is found by Connor’s parents (played by Amy Adams and Danny Pino), they treat it as a suicide note addressed to Evan, who they assume, due to its intro, was their son’s only friend. -Detroit News
They lavish him with the attention he never gets at home, and their mood lightens considerably each time Evan shares more heartwarming made-up stories about their son, who in reality was not at all lovable. –National Review
Evan goes along, then begins building on the lie… CNN
…going so far as to enlist an acquaintance to help fabricate an email exchange between Connor and himself. -NY Times
The deception — and self-deception — works for a while, helping those grieving while transforming Evan from a friendless outcast into an object of sympathy at first, and eventually lifting his status. -CNN
THE CRUSH
Complicating the issue is Evan’s borderline-stalker crush on Connor’s sister, Zoe (Kaitlyn Dever, who has been playing high school-age roles since 2013’s “The Spectacular Now”). If this ruse gets him a little closer to her, what’s the harm? -Detroit News
Evan gets close to Zoe by spinning stories about how much her brother idolized her, even as she describes her brother as a monster whose constant emotional abuse made her life a living hell. –AV Club
It all leads to a moment where Evan goes viral worldwide, only for the falsehoods to karmically fall back on him. –USA Today
THE SONGS
Evan breaks into song as a means of communicating his feelings; the songs, by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul, are always earnest, and intended to gain the sympathy of the audience. -Detroit News
The person standing next to Evan when he’s belting out a show tune sometimes notices and sometimes doesn’t. –Minneapolis Star Tribune
During songs, the other actors must pick an expression to plaster on their faces for long periods, like people forced into uncomfortable close-ups just before “The Young and the Restless” cuts to commercials. -Minneapolis Star Tribune
Three of the women sing as though they have Irish accents. -SF Chronicle
EVAN’S UNDOING
Alana (Amandla Stenberg), a hard-charging overachiever with her own secrets, creates The Connor Project, a fundraising arm to spiff up the orchard where Evan and Connor supposedly hung out together. -AZ Central
She and Evan bond over the list of the nerve-smoothing medications they’re on -National Review
…in a scene where she tries to play the “we are a lot alike card.” -FortWorthReport
Evan is eventually roped into a charitable tribute to Connor that becomes his triumph as well as his undoing, while his mother (Julianne Moore) is off at work and is mostly in the dark and misses the whole thing where her son goes insanely viral because of a friendship he never had. -Detroit News
THE PERFORMANCE
At the heart of the film is Platt’s annoyingly tic-laden performance, which never comes off as authentic or believable. -Detroit News
His trying to seem young is so sweatily effortful. -Tribune News Service
…exaggerated and precious, so that every time his mouth quivers before he says something, you want to tell him to get a grip and spit it out. -SF Chronicle
Hunched, twitchy, wide-eyed… -AV Club
…too much Viola Davis-level snot-crying -Minneapolis Star Tribune
…awkward postures and constantly darting eyes… -Tribune News Service
Some of the knock-kneed stammering insecurity that you might naturally accept in a 17-year-old looks positively weird in a grown man. -SF Chronicle
He looks embalmed, or at least like a mannequin. -AZ Central
pretty much an unmitigated disaster. –The Atlantic
CONCLUSION
It’s a strangely unconvincing attempt at an inspirational story. -Detroit News
—
Aw, man, that’s too bad. The story about leveraging fake grief for clout and popularity actually sounds kind of good. But wait, didn’t Bobcat Goldthwait already make that movie? Maybe he should do a remake where he plays the high school kid. I’d watch that.
Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.
Disney is no stranger to lawsuits, but the latest series of entanglements the company is entering into could cost the Mouse some serious money if they lose. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Disney’s Marvel unit has officially filed several lawsuits today that will ultimately decide who officially owns some of the Marvel universe’s biggest players such as Iron Man, Spider-Man, Dr. Strange, Ant-Man, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Falcon, and more.
The complaints, according to The Hollywood Reporter, come against the heirs of some of the biggest names in the comic books industry such as Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Gene Colan. The suits filed against these families seek to establish that several Marvel characters are ineligible for copyright termination as they are works made for hire. However, if Marvel’s justification for their ownership of the characters doesn’t hold up in court, the studio (and subsequently parent company Disney) will have to share ownership of these characters, potentially costing the company billions over time.
The lawsuits come shortly after the administrator of Ditko’s estate filed a notice of termination on Spider-Man following the character’s 50th anniversary. You see, according to copyright law, authors — or their heirs — are entitled to reclaim rights once granted to publishers after waiting a statutory set period of time, in this case that time being 50 years. If the termination notice goes through and Marvel’s lawsuits don’t intervene, Marvel will ultimately lose the rights to Spider-Man in June 2023.
To add even more pressure to Disney, Ditko’s estate isn’t the only one sending termination notices and taking action. This past May, Larry Lieber — Marvel legend Stan Lee’s brother — filed termination notices and the heir to Black Widow creator Don Rico has lawyered up as well. Interestingly enough, these heirs are largely being represented by Marc Toberoff, the same lawyer who fought DC Comics to give the rights to Superman back to his creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster. Ultimately, Toberoff lost that case to DC’s lawyer Dan Petrocelli at O’Melveny — the very same lawyer now representing Marvel in what is sure to be an interesting time for the company and comic book enthusiasts.
Dexter: New Blood is nearly upon us (well, less than two months away), and the show’s new trailer confirmed a lot. Not only did we get a peek at Debra, but Dexter’s born-in-blood son, Harrison, somehow tracks down his dad after a decade, despite Dexter picking up an alias and an upstate New York location, presumably where he thought he could have a nice “retirement” from serial killing. Debra will hang in the background, presumably speaking to our antihero much like Dexter’s dad, Harry, did all those years ago. I hope she lets us all know how mad she is to be dumped into the ocean during a damn hurricane, but for the most part, all eyes will be on Dexter as he struggles to keep his sh*t together at the sight of blood.
On that note, star Michael C. Hall sat down for a little “Becoming Dexter” video for Showtime. In doing so, he revealed that it was surprisingly easy to pick up the knife again, at least, metaphorically. Because it sounds like Dexter Morgan never left really left him. While referencing how the trailer shows Dexter goofing off with locals and handily embedding himself into the fold with a nice-guy visage (“cultivated affability” is how he described things), Hall revealed how smooth the process felt to glide back into his character’s shoes.
“It’s like discovering this person that you thought you put away, he’s been there all along,” Hall declared in the video. “You just turn the cameras back on.” He added that it was “really pretty easy to give over” to Dexter’s “really formidable dark side.” Oh boy.
Showtime’s Dexter: New Blood premieres on November 7.
Wheel of Fortune became a family business this season when Pat Sajak’s daughter, Maggie, joined the show in a variety of social media roles. But while Maggie isn’t officially slated to replace her father hosting the show, his time on the show is apparently “closer” to the end than many expected.
Sajak and Vanna White have helmed the legendary syndicated game show for decades now, and they’re under contract for at least two more seasons at the Wheel. But in a recent interview Sajak admitted that retirement is on the horizon in the coming years. Speaking to Entertainment Tonight before the second season of Celebrity Wheel of Fortune debuts later this fall, the two agreed that they’re in the final stages of their time on the show:
“We’re certainly closer to the end than the beginning,” Sajak, 74, candidly shared. “I’d like to leave before people tune in and look at me and say, ‘Ooh, what happened to him?’”
“I wouldn’t bet on seeing us in, like, 10 years, I would say,” Sajak added, before asking White, “Is that fair [to say]?”
“Probably, yes,” White, 64, concurred with a smile.
The show is making some other changes this year, including letting contestants make the show’s final spin instead of Sajak taking the turn for himself. But despite admitting there’s an endgame for Sajak and White on Wheel, don’t expect any big moves at the podium anytime soon. Sajak has publicly talked about retirement in the past, but it sounds more like he’s simply admitting an obvious fact rather than making plans to leave. At least until his contract is up in 2024.
Last year, adidas announced that Trae Young would become the latest basketball player under its umbrella to receive a signature sneaker. While details have trickled out in the months since — with Young even debuting one colorway of the Trae Young 1s — adidas revealed on Friday that the Atlanta Hawks’ star’s full line of sneakers and apparel will drop on Oct. 1, with his sneakers receiving five different colorways.
The main look on the sneakers is the Trae Young 1 ICEE, which the All-Star guard had worn in the past and showed off on the cover of SLAM Kicks recently. Two of the other colorways are the ICEE Cotton Candy and the Peachtree, while the remaining pair are a collaboration with Jermaine Dupri’s record label, the SO SO DEF and the SO SO DEF ATL.
Beyond the sneakers, adidas will have a line of apparel dropping to celebrate the big milestone in Young’s career.
adidas
Young and the Hawks enter this season with high expectations following last year’s surprising run to the Eastern Conference Finals. That run was sparked by Young taking his game to a new level, as he was the driving force of the team’s offense all year long. Young averaged 25.3 points and 9.4 assists per game last season.
Generally speaking, humans tend to spend some significant chunk of time pondering their own mortality. Charli XCX is among those, and when it comes to her funeral, she has already made a playlist for the occasion, and it’s a wild bunch of songs.
In a new i-D feature, Charli compiled a playlist of songs to be played at her funeral and some of the standout picks including LMFAO and Lil Jon’s “Shots,” Nicki Minaj and Eminem’s “Roman’s Revenge,” and a couple of songs from Kanye West’s The Life Of Pablo, “Waves” and “Fade.”
On its surface, this mix of songs doesn’t necessarily seem like fitting funeral music. Charli explained the thought process behind making her picks, though, saying, “I’m imagining my friends and family will be present at my funeral and each one of the songs on this list has a personal connection to one of my friends. Either the song reminds me of them, or it’s their favorite song, or it’s the song we share memories to or dance to together all the time. That’s why it’s quite diverse I suppose.”
As for the most meaningful pick on the playlist, Charli explained, “I think probably ‘Opus’ by Eric Prydz, because I’ve shared a moment with all of my friends to that song, both together in one room and separately. It really reminds me of feeling euphoric with people I’m closest to.”
It takes a lot to push a career diplomat to quit their job. A diplomat’s specialty, after all, is diplomacy—managing relationships between people and governments, usually with negotiation and compromise.
So when the U.S. special envoy to Haiti, whose “diplomatic experience and demonstrated interagency leadership have been honed directing several of the United States government’s largest overseas programs in some of the world’s most challenging, high-threat environments,” decides to resign effective immediately, it means something.
Daniel Foote, who was appointed special envoy to Haiti in July of this year, explained his decision to quit in a strongly-worded letter to Secretary of State Blinken. His resignation comes in the wake of a wave of Haitian migrants arriving at the southern U.S. border and widespread reports of harsh treatment and deportations.
SCOOP: Special Envoy for Haiti, Amb Daniel Foote, a career member of foreign service, has RESIGNED. In his letter o… https://t.co/0wKsf6gdyI
“I will not be associated with the United States inhumane, counterproductive decision to deport thousands of Haitian refugees and illegal immigrants to Haiti, a country where American officials are confined to secure compounds because of the danger posed by armed gangs in control of daily life,” he wrote. “Our policy approach to Haiti remains deeply flawed, and my recommendations have been ignored and dismissed, when not edited to project a narrative different from my own.”
Foote went on to describe the dire conditions in Haiti:
“The people of Haiti, mired in poverty, hostage to the terror, kidnappings, robberies, and massacres of armed gang alliances, simply cannot support the forced infusion of thousands of returned migrants lacking food, shelter, and money without additional, avoidable human tragedy. The collapsed state is unable to provide security or basic services, and more refugees will fuel further desperation and crime. Surging migration to our borders will only grow as we add to Haiti’s unacceptable misery.”
What Haiti needs, Foote wrote, is “immediate assistance” to restore order so they can hold an election for their next president and parliament, as well as humanitarian assistance.
“But what our Haitian friends really want, and need,” he wrote, “is the opportunity to chart their own course, without international puppeteering and favored candidates but with genuine support for that course. I do not believe that Haiti can enjoy stability until her citizens have the dignity of truly choosing their own leaders fairly and acceptably.”
Finally, he chastised the U.S. and other nations for continuing to intervene in Haiti’s politics, pointing out that such policies have never gone well and will only make problems worse:
“Last week, the U.S. and other embassies in Port-au-Prince issued another public statement of support for the unelected, de facto Prime Minister Dr. Ariel Henry as interim leader of Haiti, and have continued to tout his ‘political agreement’ over another broader, earlier accord shepherded by civil society. The hubris that makes us believe we should pick the winner—again—is impressive. This cycle of international political interventions in Haiti has consistently produced catastrophic results. More negative impacts to Haiti will have calamitous consequences not only in Haiti, but in the U.S. and our neighbors in the hemisphere.”
Of course, this is one man’s opinion, albeit a presumably informed one considering his position. White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki answered questions about Foote’s resignation in a press briefing, with some pushback from the administration:
Psaki: Daniel Foote, top U.S. Haiti envoy who resigned over migrant expulsions, “had ample opportunity to raise con… https://t.co/4dUQgWjvkL
The most recent upheaval in Haiti comes in the wake of its president being assassinated in July. But Haiti has a long and storied history that’s worth learning about to see how the U.S. and other countries have directly contributed to the current economic and humanitarian crises there. (Find an excellent read for that here.) A series of devastating natural disasters in the past couple of decades has added to the nation’s suffering as well.
Figuring out the best way to help floundering countries we’re partially responsible for crippling and the best way to respond to humans fleeing such places is no simple challenge. But high profile resignations such as Foote’s may at least draw people’s attention to places like Haiti so that we can learn and understand what has led up to the crises we face now.
The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.
ITEM NUMBER ONE — Watch Paul cook, literally
Something kind of incredible happened on Billions this week. Let me set the scene for you. Chuck Rhoades, played by the freshly clean-shaven Paul Giamatti, had Mike Prince, played by Corey Stoll, over to his house to plot and scheme against Bobby Axelrod. This, by itself, is nothing new for Billions. Like half of the scenes in the entire show involve two characters teaming up to try to destroy a third character. It’s a blast. There’s not a single truly likable character on the show. I love it very much.
But back to this scene. The two of them are discussing plans that involve the medical marijuana business and how they can enrich themselves while leaving Bobby in a pickle. And while they are discussing these plans, they are smoking a joint on a little couch near an open window. It’s worth pointing out here, just to be comprehensive about it all, that Chuck Rhoades is currently the Attorney General of New York.
Anyway, they burn one and then Chuck’s daughter shows up and says she’s hungry and then Chuck goes into the kitchen to make eggs for everyone.
And he really makes them eggs.
Like, there’s a whole wordless four-minute single-shot of Paul Giamatti cooking eggs. Here’s a screenshot to give you an idea of what we’re dealing with.
SHOWTIME
It was deeply fascinating in a way I’m having trouble putting into words. He’s just there cracking eggs, and whisking them up, and pouring them into a pan and seasoning them. I kept waiting for something else to happen. I kept waiting for the fire alarm to go off or for Bobby Axelrod to show up and catch them mid-scheme or for the FBI to raid the premises because two other characters got together off-screen to try to ruin one or both of them. But, nope. Just Paul Giamatti cooking eggs.
And not just cooking eggs, either. He’s flipping them, too.
Paul Giamatti is making an omelette.
Look at Paul.
LOOK AT PAUL.
SHOWTIME
Because I believe in the principles of sound journalism and also because I’m a curious freak who gets excited, I reached out to Billions showrunner Brian Koppelman to ask if Paul Giamatti nailed the egg flip on the first take, or if they had to shoot the whole thing over a few times. His response: they shot the scene twice to be sure they got it, but the flip in that GIF was the first take. I never had a doubt. Somehow, without even thinking of it until this week, I knew Paul Giamatti could flip eggs like a champion. It’s nice to be validated.
It all gets better, believe it or not. The scene is actually an homage to a similar piece of business from a movie called Big Night, an indie film about the restaurant business that was made by Campbell Scott and Stanley Tucci. Which means we now have Tucci and Giamatti involved in this, together but separate, held together like whipped and heated egg yolks. This is all just lovely. Here, watch this scene to get the full experience.
The point here is twofold. The first and most important thing is that it’s pretty neat that Billions is out here shouting out 25-year-old indie movies made by Stanley Tucci in the middle of an episode about billionaires trying to ruin each other using weed.
The second thing — and I changed my mind, this is the more important one — is that I would absolutely watch a cooking show where Paul Giamatti gets high and makes things suggested by an audience. We already have a cooking show with Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart. This feels like the next logical step.
Think about it.
ITEM NUMBER TWO — It’s the end of a glorious era
If you spend any amount of time online in the correct way, you have probably seen this video already, but let’s hit the background anyway because it’s fun. Every year for the last five years, writer and comedian Demi Adejuyigbe has put out a video on September 21 where he dances to the song “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire. It’s delightful in the most literal sense of the word, in that it is impossible not to be filled with delight as you watch them. Just pure and unfiltered joy from beginning to end. One of the best things on the internet, ever, made even better by the thing where these videos have now raised like a million dollars for various charities. It’s cool.
It’s even cooler when you watch that video up there — with all of its elaborate Grease shoutouts and choreographed dance numbers and what appears to be actual CGI — and then turn right around and watch the original one from 2016 where he’s just dancing in a homemade t-shirt.
How far we’ve come, you know? It kind of dulls the impact of this year’s being the last one. A heck of a ride.
But that’s not the point. Or at least not the entire point. The details here are what’s important. Details like the thing where the latest video was shot at the funhouse California estate of the woman who co-wrote the song, the late Allee Willis. And the thing where the estate is called Willis Wonderland. And the thing where Allee Willis ruled. Look at this paragraph from her obituary at Vulture.
Willis won a Grammy in 1986 for the Beverly Hills Cop score. She won her second Grammy in 2016 for Best Musical Theatre Album for The Color Purple, which had earned her a Tony nomination during its original run ten years prior. She was nominated in 1995 for writing the Friends theme song, “I’ll Be There for You.” In 2018, Willis was inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame. On her website, Willis wrote that the Friends theme was a “real struggle to compose” because she was “used to writing lyrics that are funkier and not so plain sounding.”
And look at this paragraph from later in the same obituary.
In 2015, Willis spoke out against Donald Trump using her song “You’re the Best” from The Karate Kid at his campaign rallies, telling the New York Daily News, that “this guy’s mouth would get us into a nuclear war in three seconds,” but conceding that the song fit him: “”It’s all about bravado and fighting. And Trump is the giant who comes and stomps on the village. I can see why he picked it.”
That is a full life right there, buddy. She wrote the theme songs to just about everything in the 1980s and 1990s that had a popular theme song, and she called out people she hated for using them in ways that secretly own them, and she co-wrote freaking “September.” I did not know any of this until a reader named Anne Marie alerted me all to it this week after the new video came out.
So let’s go ahead and give Demi credit for that one, too, causing all of us to take a second and admire a cool lady’s legacy. Nothing bad here anywhere. Now we need someone else to pick up the torch and start making cool stuff to fill the void the videos are leaving. Maybe it can be you.
ITEM NUMBER THREE — I need to see Roy Kent cuss at a Muppet
Well well well, speaking of awesome writers and comedians doing sick musical things to raise money for charity, here’s Brett Goldstein — Roy Kent from Ted Lasso — doing a six-minute rendition of The Muppet Christmas Carol a few years ago at a charity event. It is all, to put a very fine point on it, some Extremely Brian Stuff.
My colleague and fellow Muppet aficionado Josh Kurp researched it all this week and came up with more gold. Look at Brett.
“So. For Parkinson’s UK, Amusical made my Muppets dream come true at their excellent gig. I wasn’t going to post this video, but then I thought, if you watch it and like it, please feel free to donate to Parkinson’s UK as they do excellent work,” the YouTube video description reads. “As for the wonderful night, I have to thank the amazing Dave Cribb for putting the music together, Kiri McLean and Jayde Adams for being hilarious and kicking the roof off and to the house band for keeping up with all sorts of mixed signals, and to Hannah Martin for making sure my sister Tara Goldstein didn’t hurt anybody and to the audience for letting me get away with it. So here it is. The Muppet Christmas Carol in 6 minutes. Thank you very much. Please give generously and Merry Christmas.”
There are, as far as I can tell, three major takeaways here:
We should cast Brett Goldstein in Muppet movie as soon as possible, or, even better, let him write and star in his own
While I am generally against unnecessary remakes of perfect movies, I would bend on this stance if we were to go about putting together a new Great Muppet Caper with Goldstein in the Charles Grodin role
Whatever happens next, whether it’s one of these two options or a third one I’m not seeing yet, I need to watch him swear at a Muppet — any Muppet — as soon as possible
Give me an R-rated Muppet movie. Give me one crystal-clear f-word out of the mouth of the Swedish Chef. These are my demands.
ITEM NUMBER FOUR — A note about the Bond business
MGM
After approximately 11 different halts and delays over the past year, the next James Bond movie is finally, really, allegedly coming out in theaters next month. It’s called No Time To Die and it’s directed by Cary Fukunaga and it had its script punched up by Phoebe Waller-Bridge and it reunites Knives Out co-stars Ana de Armas and Daniel Craig, who is back for one last go-round in the lead role. I’m looking forward to it. I like all of those things. And I like the James Bond movies. I’m genuinely excited about it all.
There’s also, because this is how we do things, a press tour taking place. And during the press tour, because this is also how we do things, Daniel Craig was asked if he thinks the next Bond should be a woman. And when he was asked that question, he said this.
The actor spoke to Radio Times print magazine, weighing in with his own thoughts on a female 007 following in his footsteps and getting behind the wheel of the Aston Martin. And while Craig does not think this particular role should be given to a woman, he does think that women and people of colour should be offered roles of this calibre.
“The answer to that is very simple,” he said. “There should simply be better parts for women and actors of colour. Why should a woman play James Bond when there should be a part just as good as James Bond, but for a woman?”
Lots of outlets that like to spin things salaciously ran with this quote as “Daniel Craig says the next James Bond should not be a woman,” which is true in the most technical hair-splitty way you can imagine, but misleading as all heck. We don’t do nuance online very well. Maybe we will one day. I doubt it. If we ever do, situations like this will probably fall into one of my beloved Two Things Can Be True situations.
The first true thing is that he’s right. It would be better if we could create new roles for new people instead of trying to hammer them into already existing intellectual property, both because that would be cool and because that would avoid all the yelling from the kinds of people who like to yell things like “THIS IS WOKENESS RUN AMOK,” and no one needs to hear any more yelling from those people.
The second true thing is that it’s hard to launch a new big fancy franchise, especially now when studios are running around strip-mining any comic book or old television show they can acquire the rights to. It would be great if it were easier. The best-case scenario is probably introducing new characters into existing stuff like this and then spinning those characters off into new and cool separate stuff. But even then, it’s not perfect. Nothing is, really. We’re all just doing the best we can, man. Let’s cut each other some slack.
ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Meanwhile, on 9-1-1…
FOX
It brings me great pleasure to report to you that 9-1-1 returned this week with what appears to be the first chapter in a multi-episode arc. This is good news because 9-1-1 is a freaking wild show. Anything can happen in its universe. A woman once got her nose lopped off by a mistletoe-carrying drone. A man got sucked into a jet engine. Someone did while proposing marriage on an escalator. It’s a good time.
Anyway, the following things happened already in the season premiere:
Hackers have taken over all of the electronics in Southern California as part of a massive ransomware attack
A woman’s GPS told her to turn left and she turned left straight into a damn lake
Zoo animals are running loose in the streets
Perfect, all of it, in all the chaos-riddled ways you can dream up. And it led to the thing in the screencap up there where Angela Bassett called it all insanity. Which is true. And accurate. But you really need to hear her delivery on that line to grasp the seriousness of the situation.
i need everyone to hear angela bassett’s line-reading of the word “insanity” from the season premiere of 9-1-1 pic.twitter.com/JR8wTnlZFb
It’s a good show. I’m glad it’s back. I support any show that releases zoo animals into the streets of a metropolitan area, especially when Angela Bassett is the one who has to deal with it. It’s a shame there aren’t more of them.
READER MAIL
If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.
From Luis:
Do you ever find yourself thinking about the fact that Succession and The Righteous Gemstones aired back-to-back on Sunday nights in 2019? I remembered it recently and actually had to go look it up to confirm it wasn’t just my brain playing a trick on me. It really happened. We rolled straight from the adventures of Cousin Greg to the adventures of Baby Billy. I do not think any of us realized how blessed we were at the time. I have two questions about all of this: One, do you think there’s an argument to be made that this was the best one-two scheduling punch in history? Two, how much money would you pay for a season of Succession with Danny McBride and Walton Goggins as new business rivals of the Roy family?
This is a great email, Luis. I had not actually thought about this. I’m glad I am thinking about it now. And I will do my best to answer your questions.
First, the one about this being the best scheduling one-two in history: I don’t know. There was probably a Sopranos–Curb combo in there somewhere that gives this a run, and it’s something I was fully prepared to look up, but then I looked up this combo in more detail and realized that the episode where Baby Billy sang “Misbehavin’” aired the same night as the episode of Succession titled “Argestes,” which is notable for being the episode where my sweet boy Cousin Greg said this.
HBO
I’m not doing any more research. I can spoil something beautiful at this point. Let’s move on to the second question.
I would pay $50 for this. Cash. Right now. I’ll go to the ATM right after I finish typing this sentence. I’m not kidding. HBO, if you’re reading this, listen to Luis. He’s smart.
AND NOW, THE NEWS
To Philadelphia!
Furkan Korkmaz just posted the best offseason workout hype video I’ve ever seen from a NBA player.
I am switching things up a bit here. I am not posting a fun/funny news story in blockquotes with childish observations peppered between. What I am posting instead is an off-season workout hype video of Sixers reserve sharpshooter Furkan Korkmaz. I am doing it in part because basketball is returning soon and I need good news about my beloved Philadelphia 76ers, and in part because this is the best video I’ve ever seen. Not the best NBA workout hype video. The best video, full-stop.
Watch this video.
At the 0:40 mark, he dunks a basketball through a hoop that is ablaze with CGI flames.
This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
It’s got better production value than Space Jam 2.
The Nets came close to winning it all last year — it feels possible that had they beaten the Bucks in the second round that they’d have won it all in the first year of the Kevin Durant-James Harden-Kyrie Irving partnership. But they didn’t, at least in part due to injuries to Irving and Harden in the playoffs. Now, in 2021-22, all eyes are on Brooklyn as they enter the season as title favorites thanks to their Big 3 coming in healthy from the start.
Roster:
Kevin Durant
James Harden
Kyrie Irving
Patty Mills
Joe Harris
Paul Millsap
Blake Griffin
Nic Claxton
Bruce Brown
Jevon Carter
Cam Thomas
Day’Ron Sharpe
DeAndre’ Bembry
James Johnson
LaMarcus Aldridge
Projected Vegas Win Total: 56.5
Biggest Additions: Paul Millsap, Patty Mills
Somehow, the Nets might be deeper than they were last year. That’s in large part because they’ve added Millsap and Mills.
In theory, Millsap should replace Jeff Green’s minutes as a four/small-ball five who can cut, shoot and play defense alongside the Big 3. He’s also probably sturdier on defense, something that’s needed on a team that is built around three dynamic offense-first superstars.
Mills, meanwhile, offers some scoring juice off the bench and big game experience due to his time with the Spurs. He’s also insurance for Irving, who has a long injury history dating back to his time in Cleveland and may be load managed during the season. Mills could be one of the most important value signings of the offseason if he has to step in for Irving for any extended times.
Biggest Losses: Jeff Green, Landry Shamet
Both Green and Shamet have been replaced via the Millsap and Mills signings, so these aren’t losses that will hurt the Nets’ overall outlook. But both were solid players for the Nets last year and, in Shamet’s case, a much younger option than Mills. Moving away from Green and Shamet carries some risk even if it won’t make or break the season for Brooklyn.
Biggest Question: Can the Nets stay healthy?
It’s an obvious question, but the right one. Brooklyn’s season ultimately is going to come down to how healthy Durant, Harden and Irving are over the course of the regular season and throughout the playoffs. All three players have had injury issues in the past, so it’s worth monitoring. It’s also entirely possible, if not likely, that the Nets will employ some load management in the regular, perhaps sacrificing a real run at the top seed in the East to keep all three stars healthy. But if one goes down, the team’s margin for error will decrease significantly, perhaps opening the door for the Bucks or Lakers or someone else to win it all.
What Makes This Season A Success: Winning a title
The Nets are the favorites and for good reason. They have three superstars and a deep supporting cast full of veteran NBA talent. They absolutely should have their sights set on a title and, if they do so, their season will be a success.
Think beyond Durant, Harden and Irving too. Players like Blake Griffin, LaMarcus Aldridge and Paul Millsap are all on the team hoping to win a title before their time in the NBA is up. Griffin and Millsap could probably be making more elsewhere, while Aldridge likely would be retired. All that matters for them is winning and winning right now.
What Makes This Season A Failure: Not winning a title
Durant, Irving and Harden came together to win titles. Not winning one right now, while all are in their prime, represents a missed opportunity. No team aside from perhaps the Lakers has as much win-now pressure as the Nets, and as blunt as it is to say, it’s championship or bust in Brooklyn.
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(@FckyeahCharli) 
