Category: News

Mythic Quest: Season 2 season finale (Apple TV+ series) — Rob McElhenney’s workplace comedy made it back to the office after you-know-what forced the work-at-home situation. They built upon Raven’s Banquet success with a new expansion, but nothing’s going smoothly. Snoop Dogg stopped by this season to spread his feel-good… vibes. And now, it’s time to end this sophomore chapter with an eye toward the future.

Bosch: Season 7 (Amazon series) — Everyone’s favorite loose-cannon detective (portrayed by Titus Welliver) who doesn’t shy away from extralegal tactics is back for one final lap, and hopefully, he’ll be weirdly eating pancakes again at some point before this show ends. Oh, and after this season ends, there will (at some point) be a spinoff that will pretty much be more Bosch on the way. Welliver, Madison Lintz, and Mimi Rogers will all be on board, and Bosch will move onto some as-yet-detailed new phase of his career. Strange, right? The fans won’t be complaining.

These streaming picks make excellent appetizers:

Loki: Episode 3 (Disney+ series) — Tom Hiddleston has an absolute blast playing the mercurial trickster of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and we shall reap the benefits while he helps (or hinders) the Time Variance Authority during the process of cleaning up the timeline. This week, Sophia Di Martino’s “Variant” character teams up with Loki, and the show inserted a significant detail into canon while appearing to also confirm a theory about the TVA. Also, the episode looks like a straight-up Doctor Who set.

Central Park: Season 2 (Apple TV+ series) — Get ready for more animated musical madness that takes on themes of gentrification and capitalism with such an ease that feels, well, natural. Voice performances from Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, Stanley Tucci, and Daveed Diggs will all entertain with whimsy, and oh, do not forget the presence of Tituss Burgess, ever. The series is co-created by Loren Bouchard of Bob’s Burgers fame, and it’s a heartwarming and unique comedy series following a cast of evolving characters.

False Positive (Hulu film) — Hide your uteruses! Pierce Brosnan is the worst fertility doctor. As if being a woman wasn’t hard enough, Hulu (through this A24 film) will give us even more fuel to dread going to a gynecologist, or baby doctor, or fertility whiz, or whatever term you want to use. Ilana Glazer stars as one half of a couple, alongside Justin Theroux, who seeks to become pregnant, and things aren’t exactly going well with the natural route. And from there, things get all Rosemary’s Baby in a very 2021 way, and in an entertaining way, too, while everyone slowly realizes that something is simply not right with Brosnan’s Dr. Awesome. From there, the this trailer shows how the gaslighting really kicks in, and could it be… Satan?

The Ice Road (Netflix film) — Did you want to see Liam Neeson in another snowy film, as in The Grey? Or did you even want to see him once again playing a trucker in another snowy film, as in Cold Pursuit? Well, you’re in luck because Neeson is doing the latter type of movie, and his big-rig ice-road driver is attempting to lead a rescue mission atop a frozen ocean, but there’s a storm and thawing water, and good luck, Liam Neeson.

And back to the scheduled programming here:

The Choe Show: (Friday, FX 10:00 & 10:42pm) — Provocateur-artist David Choe paints literal and figurative photos of his subjects, and this week, his subjects include Will Arnett, Asa Akira, Kat Von D, and Denzel Curry.

Betty: (Friday, HBO 11:00pm) — The main players are all back: Rachelle Vinberg as Camille, Ajani Russell as Indigo, Dede Lovelace as Janay, Moonbear as Honeybear, and Nina Moran as Kirt. This week, Kirt grows even more notorious, Indigo helps Camille with photos, Honeybear branches out, and Janay’s struggling with a new endeavor.

Kevin Can F**k Himself (Sunday, AMC 9:00 p.m.) — Allison realizes what’s really going on at Patty’s salon while the nightmare at home includes a boys’ chili cookoff.

The Chi (Sunday, Showtime 9:00 p.m.) — Motherhood isn’t too easy for Kiesha in terms of adjustment, and Papa’s attempting to broker some peace with Kevin and Jake.

Black Monday (Sunday, Showtime 10:00 p.m.) — Everyone must cooperate for some group therapy that initially looked like an interrogation.

Flatbush Misdemeanors (Sunday, Showtime 10:30 p.m.) — Dan struggles through Zoom therapy with a perhaps-too-honest therapist, all while his roommate tensions with Kevin collide with neighbor-friction.

Rick and Morty (Sunday, Adult Swim, 11:00pm) — This week, the episode is actually called “Mortyplicity,” and maybe, just maybe, this is when the show Dan Harmon and Justin Roiland-led project (newly back for Season 5) drags the self-serious “mulitiverse” concept that’s so damn popular in comic-book worlds these days. Oh boy.

Desus & Mero (Sunday, Showtime 11:00 p.m.) — The duo’s back with more illustrious guests.

Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (Sunday, HBO 11:00 p.m.) — Please let John Oliver tackle Ted Cruz and take more swings at Tucker Carlson.

Here are some more fresh streaming picks:

The Mysterious Benedict Society: Season 1 Premiere (Disney+ series) — Gather round for this adaptation of Trenton Lee Stewart’s bestselling book series about a group of orphans who are recruited by Mr. Benedict, who is very peculiar, to save the world from “The Emergency.” Together, the orphans must infiltrate an underworld society to uncover the truth about why the globe’s gone so wrong, and except the unexpected when it comes to revelations about the source of this crisis. Tony Hale stars, along with Kristen Schaal and Ryan Hurst (RIP, Opie from Sons of Anarchy).

Too Hot To Handle: Season 2 (Netflix series) — This frustratingly horny dating show’s all about figuring out whether any of the sexy singles can withstand the no-kissing and no-heavy-petting and no-masturbation rules of the house. It’s somehow sexy but not-sexy at the same time, and the show’s inspired by a Seinfeld episode, in which Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer all tried super-hard to withstand the urge to self-pleasure themselves. I dunno, man. Questions of proof abound, but people sure are entertained by this Netflix show.

Who Are You, Charlie Brown? (Apple TV+ film) — Here’s an ode to the most famous (and beloved) blockhead of all time. You’ll see that on the animation side, but there’s much more here with the splicing of old footage to detail the life and times of Peanuts creator Charles M. Schultz. This is so much better than watching It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown for the umpteenth time.

Sex/Life: Season 1 (Netflix series) — This show revolves around a love triangle, but it’s an atypical one between a woman, her husband, and her past while grappling with her current life as a stay-at-home suburban wife. Billie realizes that she misses her wild New York City life while still enjoying domesticity in Connecticut. This leads Billie to do something perhaps unwise: take up journaling about her past sex life. Then, of course, her husband finds the journal, and you should probably expect a ton of drama.

Britney Spears is in the news this week for publicly discussing her “abusive” conservatorship. During a court appearance in Los Angeles on Wednesday, the pop star spoke candidly about wanting to end her father’s legal control over his life. “I’ve been in denial. I’ve been in shock. I am traumatized,” Spears said. “I just want my life back.”

After noticing the public’s fixation on Spears, who says that she was forced to work against her will, Fox News’ “Nazi Barbie” used one of the singer’s most iconic lyrics to make a point about… not working. Lahren, who once dressed up like Spears, tweeted:

To all the free loaders still collecting taxpayer funded government unemployment $$ and refusing to work.. In the words of the great Britney Spears, “you better work B*TCH!”

Oops!… Tomi did it (a Bad Tweet) again.

“You’re upset that people get an extra $300 but you are okay with rich people paying no tax? … As a side note raise the minimum wage!” one reply reads, while another Twitter user pointed out, “Not everyone can make a few thousands by taking pictures of products they “like” for IG stories, tomi. You sound so distant from reality…” But people were most upset by Lahren quoting Britney Spears. She’s been through enough.

But what I want to know is:

That is much too early to be upset.

Sometimes the best new R&B can be hard to find, but there are plenty of great rhythm and blues tunes to get into if you have the time to sift through the hundreds of newly released songs every week. So that R&B heads can focus on listening to what they really love in its true form, we’ll be offering a digest of the best new R&B songs that fans of the genre should hear every Friday.

This week is highlighted by Jazmine Sullivan’s latest single, “Tragic,” the singer’s first release since she dropped her Heaux Tales EP at the beginning of the year. Justine Skye also arrives with her third album, Space And Time, which features heavy production from Timbaland and Snoh Aalegra continues to promote her upcoming album, Temporary Highs In The Violet Skies, with her latest track, “Lost You.”

Jazmine Sullivan — “Tragic”

Less than two weeks into 2021, Jazmine Sullivan made her return to the R&B world with her Heaux Tales EP. To this day, the project stands as one of the best releases of the year and it’s an effort she’s backed up and promoted with elegant performances. Now, she’s back with a brand new song, titled “Tragic,” that fits right in the pocket of Heaux Tales. Could this mean there’s a deluxe reissue on the way?

Justine Skye — Space And Time

Just a year after releasing Bare With Me (The Album), Justine Skye returns with her third full-length effort, Space And Time. It’s a 12-track project heavily produced by Timbaland with guest appearances from Justin Timberlake and Rema. The project itself was born through the space and time that the 2020 pandemic gave both Skye and Timbaland and it absolutely benefitted the former. “I found a different level of confidence in myself and in my sound,” she said in an interview with Apple Music.

Snoh Aalegra — “Lost You”

This August will mark two years since Snoh Aalegra dropped her sophomore album, Ugh, Those Feels Again. It was heralded as one of the best R&B releases from that year and now, the Swedish singer is gearing up for her third effort. With Temporary Highs In The Violet Skies out next month, Aalegra shares “Lost You,” a gloomy ballad that finds her struggling between staying or walking away from a faulty relationship.

Duckwrth — “Make U Go”

Duckwrth’s 2020 album, SuperGood, was dressed in the funkiest sounds thanks to standout efforts like “Kiss U Right Now” and “Super Bounce.” After letting the protect marinate with listeners, he returns to action with “Make U Go.” The easy-going track brags about the moves he’ll put on a special woman when they join each other in bed and it’s a song that continues Duckwrth’s streak of impressive releases.

Nao — “Messy Love”

Today’s generation of R&B listeners enjoy songs about toxic love as much as they do efforts about newfound love and the fairytale moments that come with it. However, in Nao’s eyes, she has no desire to deal with any of this toxicity. That’s what her new song, “Messy Love,” focuses on as she states repeatedly the breezy track. Standing as her second single of the year, it looks like the singer’s third album could be right around the corner.

Njomza — Limbo

Almost three years after giving us her last project, 2018’s Vacation, Njomza makes her long-awaited return with Limbo. It’s an effort that captures the singer’s feelings that emerged during last year’s pandemic, and how she steered through it. Limbo also sees contributions from Ari Lennox, Russ, WurID, and Metro Mars.

Cautious Clay — Deadpan Love

Years after releasing strong EPs with well-crafted songs that shined a light on his growing talents, Cleveland native Cautious Clay finally arrives with his debut album. Deadpan Love arrives with 14 songs and a lone guest feature from fellow Midwesterner Saba. “Deadpan Love is something that I have inside me; the way I cope with the worst of what the world has to offer,” the singer said in a press release about the album and its title.

Young Rog — Boy Next Door

While LVRN’s talented roster boasts favorites like Summer Walker, 6lack, and Westside Boogie, it also holds a cast of newcomers that are worth paying attention to. This includes Virginia native Young Rog who signed on to LVRN in 2018. After years of working on his craft, he emerges with a new project, Boy Next Door which delivers ten tracks with help from 6lack, Summer Walker, and Freddie Gibbs.

Loony — Soft Thing

If you’re looking for a relaxing body of work to enjoy this weekend, Toronto’s Loony has just that for you with her latest project, Soft Thing. Its eight songs paint a picture of Loony’s mind as she traversed through the 2020 pandemic. Soft Thing also details love in its many forms and how Loony experienced it all.

Symphani Soto — Under The Sun

South Florida native Symphani Soto is a new name you should definitely pay attention to. She just dropped her new project, Under Sun, and it’s a breezy and relaxing effort perfect for an afternoon drive or a warm evening at the beach. Holding eleven tracks in total, Under Sun is a mostly solo effort aside from a guest appearance from Eric Bellinger.

Inayah — Side A

Back in 2019, Inayah would finally see her moment in the R&B spotlight thanks to her breakout single, “Best Friend.” The Houston native is now looking to reach a higher level with her new EP Side A. Led by two singles, “What Are We” and “Fallin,” Inayah taps into a ’90s/’00s sound to deliver a nostalgic reminder of the good times.

Sakura — Don’t Overthink It

Atlanta’s Sakura steps forth with a new EP, Don’t Overthink It. It follows a string of singles she released throughout 2020 and altogether, the project emphasizes trusting your gut and not second-guessing life’s purest moments.

Unsurprisingly, the video for Don Toliver, Latto, and Lil Durk’s F9 soundtrack single “Fast Lane” revolves around sports cars, with scenes of the film interspersed between shots of vehicles burning rubber and Latto strutting in a revealing racing suit. However, Lil Durk, for one reason or another, doesn’t appear, with his verse playing over closeups of the other two artists mugging the camera and Vin Diesel’s Dom Toretto body slamming goons.

They’re just three of the many, many artists who appear on the soundtrack, which also includes big names like ASAP Rocky, Jack Harlow, and Pop Smoke, while the 14 tracks run the gamut from throwback rap to reggaeton to UK drill. Meanwhile, another rapper, Cardi B, doesn’t rap on the album but does appear in the film in a role that the film’s producer and director believe is important enough to carry over to future installments of the franchise.

With the film finally launching into theaters this weekend, you can check out Uproxx’s super comprehensive coverage, which includes an interview with Tyrese Gibson and a definitive ranking of the films.

Watch the video for Don Toliver, Latto, and Lil Durk’s “Fast Lane” above.

Don Toliver is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

It’s been a few years since Comedy Central’s Nathan For You aired its last episode, even if fans didn’t know it was truly the end until nearly a year later. Which is likely why news of Nathan Fielder’s next project is welcome for fans of his unique brand of television.

The Hollywood Reporter detailed Friday that Fielder will helm an HBO series called The Rehearsal where he will do basically everything fans expect at this point: star in, write, direct, and executive produce a comedy series. The show, which skipped its pilot phase and reportedly will go straight to series, sounds as genre-bending as Nathan For You was on Comedy Central.

The Rehearsal, a half-hour comedy, is set in a world where nothing seems to ever work out as you had hoped and features Fielder giving people the opportunity to rehearse for their own lives. It’s unclear if The Rehearsal will be scripted or a docuseries similar to How To; HBO declined comment when asked for additional details on the series.

Fielder will certainly join good company with whatever the project becomes. A lineup of How To… With John Wilson and The Rehearsal, both of which Fielder executive produces, would be the envy of any absurdist comedy fan, if we still lived in an age where what time things debuted in prime time still mattered all that much.

Still, with this show and the “problematic” HGTV knockoff show in the works for Showtime, we’re on the precipice of a lot of Nathan Fielder content. Exciting times, indeed.

I’ve spent the last five years on a quest to travel solo to all 63 of the major United States National Parks. In that time, I’ve visited 54 of the major parks and countless other NPS sites. Everyone always asks me about the awe-inspiring mountain landscapes of Yosemite, the Rocky Mountains, and the Grand Tetons. But what I really love to direct other travelers to are National Park beaches.

Yes, beaches. They aren’t the first thing you might think about visiting on a National Park vacation, but there are so many amazing shorelines protected by the National Park Service deserving of your attention. That means little-to-no development and a true emphasis on nature — not something that many beaches in the country can still claim. Here are my nine favorites from what I’ve seen so far.

Redwoods National Park

There’s more to the Redwoods than towering trees. In fact, my favorite place to visit while in the park is the beach!

I love to relax on Gold Bluffs Beach, a gray-sand beach and campground that is near the legendary Fern Canyon. You can also spend time exploring Enderts Beach which is accessible from a rugged ½ mile trail. Enderts isn’t great for swimming but it is a popular spot for tide-pooling and taking in the scenery.

Dry Tortugas National Park

Dry Tortugas National Park is a series of islands 70 miles west of Key West, so there are ample beaches. I spent a day snorkeling at the swim beach outside the historic Fort Jefferson and lounging on the pristine sands. The beach feels otherworldly and like you are much further outside of the continental United States than you are. It is a bucket-list-worthy trip.

Dry Tortugas can only be accessed by boat or seaplane, making your trip even more interesting, and leaving the beach less crowded with a private island vibe.

Cape Lookout National Seashore

The National Park system is a lot more than just the 63 parks designated as “National Parks.” There are over 400 NPS-managed sites, including historical sites, preserves, and National seashores. I’ve visited many National Seashores over the years and one always sticks out in my mind — Cape Lookout.

A three-mile ferry ride from Beaufort or Harkers Island North Carolina transports you to underdeveloped almost secret-feeling beaches. You can camp, fish, hike, rent cabins, or climb up the lighthouse. If you visit Shackleford Banks, the southernmost barrier island, you might encounter some of the 100 or so wild horses that inhabit the island. Or just enjoy a day relaxing on the sand.

Indiana Dunes National Park

Indiana Dunes is one of the newest parks in the NPS system to garner the designation of “National Park.” On my visit, I was surprised that this landscape was just 35 miles or so from Chicago. In fact, you can see the skyline from parts of the shore. Admittedly, this park has a bit of a different and less remote feel — but it’s an amazing option for a quick getaway from the city. The park boasts 15 miles of beaches on the shore of Lake Michigan ready for you to take a dip or lay in the sun.

West Beach is the most popular, and also the only beach with lifeguards. Through the summer months, there is a small extra fee for the summer amenities ($6 per car or $3 with your America the Beautiful pass).

Olympic National Park

There is nothing quite like watching the sunset from a beach in Olympic National Park. While the vibe is decidedly less sun and sand, the moodiness and ruggedness offer a great respite from the summer heat and crowds elsewhere. Olympic is a peninsula, and home to 73 miles of undisturbed coastal wilderness. Come to hike, tide pool, beachcomb, and watch those amazing sunsets.

There are lonely beaches and access points all along the coast of Olympic. I’m partial to Rialto and Second Beach.

Assateague Island National Seashore

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Assateague Island is another National Seashore that I fell in love with on my first visit. Like Cape Lookout, it is famously home to wild horses, sandy beaches, and opportunities to explore. A 37-mile long barrier island, it is a great place to camp, fish, crab, bike, or swim. Located between Virginia and Maryland, it is the perfect spot to watch the waves any time of year.

Cumberland Island National Seashore

Cumberland Island is a barrier island off the coast of southern Georgia, the island is full of history, wildlife, and beauty. Spend time on the undeveloped beaches, bike to a campsite, and learn about the rich history of the island. Maybe even catch a glimpse of a wild horse or loggerhead turtle.

Access Cumberland Island via a 45-minute ferry from the visitors center in St. Mary’s Georgia.

Point Reyes

Just 38 miles outside of San Francisco is Point Reyes National Seashore. Popular for beaches, as well as hiking and wildlife spotting, Point Reyes has it all. Walk down the famous cypress tree tunnel before visiting one of the 12 beaches in Point Reyes.

Next on my list:

National Park of American Samoa

I haven’t visited the National Park of American Samoa yet (less than 30,000 people per year do). But when I get the chance I know I’ll be spending a lot of time on the beach. Distributed through three islands, the park is also a great place to snorkel, learn about Samoan culture, and hike through the rainforest.

I can’t wait to visit the traveler beloved Ofu Lagoon, on Ofu Island.

Twilight was of course one of the biggest movies of 2008, and its soundtrack was also well received. Among songs by Muse, Linkin Park, and Iron & Wine were a pair of new originals by Paramore: “Decode” (which was released as a single) and “I Caught Myself.” For one reason or another, those songs haven’t been convenient for a lot of fans to listen to, as they had never made their way onto Spotify in the US. Now, though, 13 years after they were originally released, both songs are finally streaming on US Spotify for the first time.

Consequence speculates the songs’ absence from Spotify had been due to copyright issues: While the Twilight soundtrack was released via Atlantic Records, at the time, the band was signed to Fueled By Ramen (which, like Atlantic, is actually part of Warner Music Group). “Decode” previously appeared as a bonus track on some international editions of Paramore’s 2009 album Brand New Eyes, while a live version of the song appears on the deluxe edition of the band’s self-titled 2013 album.

Hayley Williams previously said of “Decode,” “[The song] is about the building tension, awkwardness, anger, and confusion between Bella and Edward. Bella’s is the only mind Edward can’t read and I feel like that’s a big part of the first book and one of the obstacles for them to overcome. It’s one added tension that makes the story even better.”

Stream “Decode” and “I Caught Myself” below.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Dune, director Denis Villeneuve’s science-fiction epic with a very attractive cast, was originally scheduled to be released on November 20, 2020. But it was delayed to December 30 due to the pandemic before being pushed again to October 1, 2021 (sorry, The Batman). On Friday, Warner Bros. made one (hopefully) final tweak to the release date: Dune will now come out on October 22, the busiest day for movies this year.

The following films come out on October 22: Dune, starring Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Ferguson, Oscar Isaac, Josh Brolin, Dave Bautista, Zendaya, and Jason Momoa; The French Dispatch, Wes Anderson’s first live-action movie in seven years; Edgar Wright’s stellar-looking Last Night in Soho with Thomasin McKenzie, Anya Taylor-Joy, and the great Diana Rigg in her final performance; and Jackass 4, which honestly might be the film I’m most looking forward to. Not only for this day, but for all of 2021.

Dune‘s new release date was originally held by Clint Eastwood’s Cry Macho, which will now come out on September 17. Meanwhile, The Sopranos prequel movie The Many Saints of Newark will take the October 1 slot. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the shuffling is due to the studio wanting to give Dune “more distance” from No Time to Die, which opens on October 8. Atreides… Paul Atreides >>> Bond… James Bond.

(Via the Hollywood Reporter)

Big day in the world of skulls. In a potentially groundbreaking discovery published in scientistic journal, The Innovation, researchers have unveiled the “Dragon Man” skull, which may be the first evidence of a new species of humans or a link to one of our close cousins. While analysts point to the skull being more than 146,000 years old, it spent the past 90 years buried in a well in China. The skull was reportedly unearthed by a Chinese man while building a bridge during the Japanese occupation of Northern China. Fearing that his supervisors would take the treasure, he buried in it a well where it stayed for almost a century until his family turned it over to scientists. What they discovered about the “Dragon Man” skull was truly remarkable.

Via Science Magazine:

In three papers in the year-old journal The Innovation, paleontologist Qiang Ji of Hebei GEO University and his team call the new species Homo longi. (Long means dragon in Mandarin.) They also claim the new species belongs to the sister group of H. sapiens, and thus, an even closer relative of humans than Neanderthals. Other researchers question that idea of a new species and the team’s analysis of the human family tree. But they suspect the large skull has an equally exciting identity: They think it may be the long-sought skull of a Denisovan, an elusive human ancestor from Asia known chiefly from DNA.

While the scientific ramifications of discovering a new species of man are obviously huge, nothing beats the chance to make a bunch of Lord of the Rings jokes and remind everyone that Donkey in Shrek had sex with a dragon. So, that’s exactly what people got down to on social media in yet another sign that humanity might still have some evolving to do. Or not. Who’s to say?

(Via The Innovation, Science Magazine)

We love to be fast and furious, don’t we folks?

It’s wild to think that a franchise that began as a maybe-homage to Point Break set in the world of street racing has spawned nine films and grown to encompass arguably at least three distinct genres.

In the beginning it was so much simpler. For that we partly have Paul Walker to thank. Director Rob Cohen and producer Neil Moritz, who had worked with Walker on The Skulls (about a corrupt fraternity) asked the butterscotch himbo what his dream project would be. Walker told the pair that he’d love to do something like “Days of Thunder meets Donnie Brasco.” The filmmakers optioned a Vibe article about street racing to that end, and the rest is history.

Well, sort of. The idea that the filmmakers behind a movie no one saw and a then-unknown leading man who seemed like an even more beautiful, more wooden-acting version of early Keanu Reeves would team up to create a multi-billion dollar franchise about souped-up Japanese cars had to seem utterly unfathomable at the time. Even now, that this franchise would carry on, and in fact get even bigger, years after its main star died doing the exact thing the movies glorify seems hard to believe. The Fast/Furious franchise has defied the odds over and over to become a cornerstone of Universal’s business 20, years on.

Furious 8 saw the gang (which almost saw Timothy Olyphant playing Dom instead of Vin Diesel) — which now curiously combines established action stars lured by huge paydays like The Rock and Jason Statham with stars-they-could-afford-at-the-time veterans like Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris — trying to outrun nuclear submarines bursting through arctic ice in a chase for the “nuclear football.” It’s funny to juxtapose that with the original story about a truckload of stolen DVDs.

Yes, you could say we’ve come a long way since “bullshit, asshole, no one likes the tuna here.”

Has the journey been a good one? Well, yes and no. On the way to nine movies there are bound to be some good ones, some bad ones, some terrible ones, and some terribly good ones. We’ve gained and lost some good cast members along the way, to obscurity, to feuds, to greater fame, or to the great beyond. But at the end of the day, as Vin Diesel would growl, they’re family.

Note: Since I wrote it last, and you’re all probably wondering how it stacks up, I’m going to put the new one, F9, at the end along with its ranking to show where it fits in with the rest of them.

8. Fast & Furious (aka The Fourth One, aka 4 Fast 4 Furious, aka Fast and 4urious, aka The One Where Letty Dies)

Year Released: 2009

Number in Franchise: 4

Director: Justin Lin

Plot: Fugitive Dominic Toretto and FBI agent Brian O’Connor team up to take down the drug lord who killed Letty.

Notable Lines: “Dom. Dom… DOMMMM!!!”

A lot of people have 2 Fast 2 Furious at the bottom of their rankings, and to be fair, that one probably is more forgettable. Yet 4 Fast 4 Furious feels distinctly like the least fun of the series. 4 Fast is the dour, war-on-terror era Fast/Furious movie, where Brian O’Connor (who was initially an LAPD cop trying to make detective, and later a fugitive ex-cop) has somehow become a full-fledged, suit-wearing fed.

Half the movie consisted of Brian and Dom running around beating up witnesses. The influence of 24, one of the defining shows of the mid-aughts, certainly shows in Fast And Furious, which was conceived in 2007 and released in 2009.

This was the first “real” sequel with Vin Diesel back after he declined to be in the second and third installments over script concerns (and yes, you can imagine how bad the scripts had to be for the guy who left to do xXx to turn them down). In terms of the greater arc of the franchise, 4 Fast 4 Furious was the awkward transitional moment, between Fast/Furious as a car-racing exploitation movie and Fast/Furious as a fabulously expensive celebration of ridiculousness and excess.

The identity crisis is easy to understand: what even was the franchise at this point? One successful buddy movie and two wildly divergent sequels with completely different casts? You can feel Fast And Furious trying to square this circle and not quite getting it right, almost from the very first scene — which sees Dom, Letty, Han, and the gang trying to hijack a gas truck in the Dominican Republic.

They do this not by, you know, just pulling in front of the truck and forcing him to pull over, or shooting out the tires, but through an incredibly complex plan that involves a harpoon gun, guiding souped-up trucks onto the trailers in reverse, and multiple people climbing around on top of a gas trailer with backpacks full of liquid nitrogen. And why do they do this, you might ask? Because, as Letty screams by way of exposition, “Gas is money, papa!”

That’s right, they’ve employed three or four incredibly souped-up custom performance automobiles and multiple death-defying stunts in service of what amounts to a complex gas-siphoning operation.

Of course, gangs with convoluted, pointless plans carried out in unnecessarily complex car operations aren’t prohibitive in Fast/Furious movies. Some of the best Fast movies are the most idiotic. 4 Fast 4 Furious‘s crime wasn’t being silly, it was being sad.

If this convoluted, idiotic plan had been the lead-up to a pool party or a family barbecue (which are as canon in this franchise as excessive gear shifts), it might’ve worked. Instead, it was a build-up to Letty’s death, itself a means for Dom to be sullen and sad for the rest of the movie.

One thing 4 Fast 4 Furious did do notably well was casting, getting John Ortiz for the chief villain (is anyone else so simultaneously charming and full of menace?) and future Wonder Woman Gal Godot as FBI agent “Gisele Yashar.” There’s even a seduction scene in which Gisele coquettishly asks Dom to describe his ideal woman. In response, Dom gets a faraway look on his face and describes her as “20% angel, 80% devil.”

It’s one of the dumber lines ever written, but you have to respect the symmetry of a franchise that began as a pandering attempt to cash in on car culture describing its ideal woman using a bumper sticker slogan. “Uh, yeah, she’s 20% angel, 80% devil, she always gives ass, gas, or grass because she never rides for free, and her favorite pastime is peeing on Ford logos.”

7. 2 Fast 2 Furious

Year Released: 2003

Number In Franchise: 2 (obviously)

Director: John Singleton

New Faces: Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Eva Mendes

Plot: Brian O’Connor is now a fugitive ex-cop doing illegal street racing in Miami. The cops offer him immunity in exchange for taking down a drug lord, which he only agrees to do if he can bring in his childhood friend, Roman.

Released two years after the original and without the participation of Vin Diesel or original director Rob Cohen, 2 Fast 2 Furious is sort of a poor man’s Miami Vice whose dubious legacy includes adding Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris to the franchise. Losing Cohen was probably a gift, not just because his movies are almost universally bad but because he was later accused of sexual abuse by both his daughter and an actress in his movies.

2 Fast 2 Furious is a mediocre movie in almost every way, adding to the mythology Brian O’Connor’s childhood best friend from Barstow, Roman, played by Tyrese Gibson. Does the Barstow upbringing explain the penchant for sleeveless cowboy shirts?

We meet Roman at a demolition derby. Later he dispatches a bad guy using a nitrous-powered ejector seat. Cole Hauser from Dazed and Confused plays the bad guy, arguably the least convincing heavy in the series.

But for all the lame elements of 2 Fast 2 Furious that didn’t survive this installment, it feels like the definitive iteration of Brian O’Connor as dopey SoCal car bro. Which feels like the most honest Brian O’Connor. Paul Walker in 2 Fast 2 Furious is a Kyle Mooney sketch in earnest. Likewise, we meet Ludacris’s character, Tej, currently the franchise’s super hacker and computer expert, while he’s judging a jet ski competition. This feels like the ideal way to introduce a Ludacris character.

My favorite piece of trivia about 2 Fast 2 Furious is that it costars Devon Aoki (as racer “Suki”), the heir to the Benihana’s restaurant fortune (and half-brother of the DJ Steve Aoki). Her father is a former Olympic wrestler, powerboat racer, and Benihana’s founder Hiroaki “Rocky” Aoki. (Oddly, Queen’s Gambit star Anya Taylor-Joy’s father was also a powerboat racer, which just goes to show, if you want your daughter to become a successful actress the best thing you can do for her is to start winning some powerboat races). He also, and this is neither here nor there, is a famous hot ballooner, part of the crew who made the first successful trans-Pacific balloon ride.

Anyway, knowing that Tyrese Gibson likes Benihana’s so much that he had a version of it built in his backyard (the now-infamous Gibsihana’s), you have to wonder whether his fascination started when he met the heir to the Benihana’s fortune on a movie set.

6. Fast & Furious 6 (aka 6 Fast 6 Furious, aka The One With The Long Runway, aka The One That Killed Han, aka The One With Gina Carano)

Year Released: 2013

Number In Franchise: 6

Director: Justin Lin

New Faces: Luke Evans, Gina Carano, Jason Statham (at the very end)

Plot: Hobbs (The Rock) offers Dom and the gang amnesty for taking down Shaw (Owen Shaw, that is, played by Luke Evans, not to be confused with Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw). Letty shows up as a member of Shaw’s gang, which is explained through amnesia.

Generally speaking, I tend to think the best Fast/Furious movies are the ones in which they’re discovering a formula, and the worst ones are the ones in which they’re applying a formula. In 6 Fast 6 Furious, which blends almost indistinguishably in my mind with Furious 8, the filmmakers were applying the formula that they’d discovered in Fast Five. Which was that heist movie/spycraft blockbusters worked better than strictly street racing ones. Universal executives were quite explicit about this shift:

The studio honchos agreed that the next installments had to be less about street racing and about more inclusive subject matter. “We’ve heard so many people say, ‘I’ve never seen one, and I’ve never wanted to see one,’ about the Fast franchise,” Fogelson said. “So if these movies were still about street racing, there was probably a ceiling on how many people would buy tickets. We wanted to see if we could raise it out of about racing and make car driving ability just a part of the movie, like those great chases in The French Connection, The Bourne Identity, The Italian Job,” Fogelson explained. With Dodge as a partner, “Our strategy behind one of the biggest bets we’ve ever made is that the business has gone so far towards CG action every weekend, that we really believe creating a movie with real action and real cars will be amazing stuff to people excited by seeing something real.” [Deadline, 2011]

The Rock basically played The Rock: The Wrestler in this iteration, smirking cheesy one-liners (“you keep runnin’ your pie hole and you’re gonna smell an asskicking”) and throwing bad guys across rooms. He also had a sidekick played by Gina Carano. Now, I’ve loved Gina Carano going back to her MMA days, and I refuse to have an opinion on her dumb politics (if we got rid of all the dumb actors in the world we wouldn’t have many left), but one thing you rarely hear people say is “That Gina Carano sure can act!”

There’s a lot of fun, ridiculous stuff happening in 6 Fast 6 Furious, but much like Furious 8, the biggest problem with 6’s stunts isn’t that they aren’t inventive or ridiculous, it’s that they just go on way too long. The action set pieces drag on and on endlessly with no space to take a breath or appreciate them. They just become a dull drone. Which is a shame, because this is also a film that gave us shirtless Ludacris attempting to speak Spanish:

6 Fast 6 Furious is famous mainly for the exceptionally long runway at the end, upon which Dom’s gang uses their cars, along with some ropes, to keep Shaw’s cargo plane from taking off. And also for killing off Han during a post-credits scene that introduced Shaw’s brother, played by Jason Statham — a decision “fans” hated so much that they successfully campaigned to bring him back (#justiceforhan). I too think Han was an undervalued character, but that doesn’t mean studios should ever listen to the “fans.”

The best thing about Furious 6? It brought Letty back to the franchise using amnesia. Not enough movies utilizing amnesia as a plot point, I always say.

5. The Fate Of The Furious (aka F8, aka 8 Fast 8 Furious, aka The One With The Nuclear Submarines)

Year Released: 2017

Number In Franchise: 8

Director: F. Gary Gray

New Faces: Charlize Theron, Kurt Russell

Plot: Dom gets plucked off the street in Cuba by a cyberterrorist named Cipher (Charlize Theron) and coerced into a plot to retrieve an EMP device in Berlin. He goes rogue, and gets Hobbs and Shaw (The Rock and Jason Statham) sent to prison, until they’re broken out by “Mr. Nobody” (Kurt Russell) so that they can retrieve the “God’s Eye” super surveillance program. Also there’s a “nuclear football,” a Russian base in the Arctic, and some hotwired nuclear submarines.

Read that attempt at a plot synopsis again. Too much, right? Too much.

8 Fast 8 Furious was essentially an attempt to out-ridiculous the already-incredibly-ridiculous Furious 7. Yet whereas the ridiculousness of Furious 7 was mostly stunt and visual-based, 8 Fast 8 Furious just used every ridiculous plot contrivance on the action screenwriter vision board, from sexy cyberterrorists with platinum blonde hair to nuclear footballs and nameless government functionaries. It all added up mostly to a headache. Call it “ridiculousness fatigue.”

You can almost sense the director asking “why are all these characters even here?” They try to retcon Roman, who you’ll remember we met when he was competing in a demolition derby in Barstow, as some kind of A-Team munitions expert, with Ludacris as the expert computer hacker. 8 Furious basically tried to take all the goofy SoCal car bro-ness of the franchise and turn it into boilerplate action movie stuff. Zzzzz.

Much like Furious 6, Furious 8 had some great action bits — the “zombie car” scene stands out — but they just go on and on and on for an excruciatingly long time until the only thing you remember about them is being tired.

As I wrote in my initial review, 8 Fast 8 Furious was the action movie equivalent of your dad catching you smoking a cigarette and making you finish the entire carton as punishment.

4. The Fast And The Furious

Year Released: 2001

Number In Franchise: 1

Director: Rob Cohen

Notable Lines: “Yo, Einstein: take it upstairs. You can’t detail a car with the cover on it.”

“He’s got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain!”

Non-Recurring Characters: Johnny Strong, Ja Rule, Chad Lindberg

I appreciate the “original” The Fast and The Furious much in the same way I appreciate Entourage: as bad art, that I hated at the time, but that is nonetheless the perfect time capsule of a terrible time.

The Fast And The Furious, adapted from the Vibe article “Racer X,” by Kenneth Li, is a mix of actually-cool things that Rob Cohen was trying to capitalize on, and Rob Cohen’s own, mostly terrible ideas about what was cool. See: Vince shredding his Zakk Wylde signature Les Paul during a raver house party:

There’s also shaky cameras and non-stop DJ scratching. 90% of the movie seems to have DJ scratching coming from somewhere, as if Crazy Town was hiding in the cupboard.

Early in the movie, there’s a heist in which Dom and Vince’s gang of souped-up Honda Civics (this was before the Mitsubishi sponsorship and the later Dodge sponsorship) — “the most off-the-hook idealized dope-ass rice rockets,” as Cohen calls them in the commentary — surround a semi-truck and shoot it with grappling hooks so they can jump in and beat up the driver. And all so they can steal some DVDs! In the director’s commentary, Rob Cohen called the scene an homage to Stagecoach, which is a perfect illustration of his peculiar thinking. “Well yes, this whole heist makes no logical sense, but you have to imagine that the cars are actually horses.”

The Fast And The Furious isn’t the best movie of the franchise, nor does it represent some halcyon age when street racing movies could just be about street racing. But it does seem to stumble ass backwards into a few good ideas simply by virtue of how hard it was pandering. The basic idea is that it’s Point Break in the world of cars. But at the end of Point Break, Johnny Utah just lets Bodhi surf off into the sunset. Utah is a “nice” Fed who still has a man-crush on Bodhi, but he’s still a Fed at the end of the day and he’s not just going to let this bank-robbing murderer get away. He ends their tragic love affair by defying his superiors and letting Bodhi kill himself surfing instead of locking him in a cage. …It’s all very romantic.

The Fast And The Furious asks, Entourage-like, what if Bodhi (in this case, Dom Toretto) actually was just a good guy deep down? And Bodhi and Johnny Utah really could just surf off into the sunset forever? As I wrote in my longwinded 15-year-retrospective in 2016:

It accidentally stumbles, Magoo-like, into a relevant idea: What if the cops weren’t the default good guys simply by virtue of being cops? What if cop morality wasn’t the default correct one? Maybe once you scrape away the decals and rap-rock and nonsensical heists and ham-fisted construction, The Fast And The Furious was the perfect, proudly multicultural, revisionist Point Break for a post-Rodney King world.

Also, the cars were horses.

3. Fast 5 (aka The One With The Bank Vaults, aka The One In Brazil)

Number In the Franchise: 5

Year Released: 2011

Director: Justin Lin

New Faces: The Rock, Elsa Pataky

Notable Lines: “This just went from Mission Impossible to Mission In-Freakin’-Sanity!”

Fast Five was the transitional movie of the franchise in so many ways — the first to feature The Rock, the first one with a budget north of $100 million, the first one longer than two hours. At $125 million it actually cost $40 million more than the previous installment. It once again brought back Mia, Dom, Brian O’Connor, Tyrese, and Ludacris. This time they even attempted to bring back Vince — he of “bullshit, asshole, no one likes the tuna here,” played by Matt Schultze — even if it didn’t stick.

Whereas the Fast movies were once a ripoff of Point Break with cars, Fast 5 transitioned to a ripoff of Ocean’s 11 with cars. Still, some things about the Fast franchise, however, remained canon:

1. Whenever someone needs to go faster, they simply shift gears. All the cars in the Fast franchise have at least 12 gears.

2. If you need a big truck to pull over, you can’t simply lay down spike strips or threaten the driver with a gun, you must use souped-up cars performing a complex driving maneuver utilizing grappling hooks.

3. Playing chicken is an advanced car driving move, and it always works even if the hero is driving a comically smaller vehicle.

4. The most important part of any heist is finding someone who can DRIVE SUPER GOOD.

Did you know you can play chicken with a bus in an Acura and make it flip over using the back of a muscle car? I really wish this scene would’ve cut to Dom, his brains splattered all over the inside of a bus that just flipped over 17 times going 70 miles per hour. “Aw crap, maybe this wasn’t such a good plan.”

To this basic set of rules, Fast 5 added Dwayne The Rock Johnson as Luke Hobbs, who in the Fast canon is a very large cop who is always sweating and usually wearing something made of neoprene. Something about The Rock’s very essence seemed to fit the Fast franchise perfectly.

Fast 5 was mostly a very stupid movie with far too many unclever Tyrese Gibson lines, but in this installment, the franchise was taking its first, important baby steps from merely stupid to gloriously stupid. As an aggressively perspiring man, I also appreciated excessive sweat being part of The Rock’s character.

The bank vault scene was easily the best stunt in any of the movies up until this point, and it basically set the tone for all the movies that would come later.

Unlike a lot of the set pieces in the sixth and eighth installments, it isn’t just one long drone of CGI bullshit. It breathes, it has peaks and valleys, and it gives you a sense of the scale involved. Silly as it is, there’s a cleverness to it and an internal logic that works in a way that a lot of the bigger set pieces from lesser Fast/Furious don’t. I still don’t love Fast 5, but I understand choosing to remember only the vault scene.

2. The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift

Number In The Franchise: 3

Year Released: 2006

Director: Justin Lin

Tagline: On the other side of the world… on the wrong side of the law… a new style of racing rules the Tokyo underground.

New Faces: Sean Boswell (Lucas Black), Han Seoul-Oh (Sung Kang), Bow Wow — basically everyone.

Plot: Military brat/new kid in school Sean gets busted racing cars and gets sent to Japan, where he learns a whole new kind of racing.

I’m not trying to be a contrarian ranking Tokyo Drift so highly, I swear. It’s obviously the outlier of the series. Smack in the middle of this franchise about street racing and elaborate heists there’s Tokyo Drift, a high school drama set in Japan with none of the original stars.

I can understand thinking Tokyo Drift isn’t a “real” Fast/Furious movie, but that doesn’t make it a bad movie. In a lot of ways, it’s more interesting than a lot of them. Even the racing is more fun to watch. Objectively, drift racing is way more interesting to look at than people speeding a quarter mile down a straight road. One can only tolerate so many shots of people shifting gears and stomping pedals.

Admittedly, Lucas Black’s Alabama accent (inexplicably much thicker than either of his onscreen parents) and Bow Wow playing a guy named “Twink” are a bit much. To say nothing of a 24-year-old actor with a thick pelt of chest hair playing a high schooler.

But I’m a sucker for a fish-out-of-water drama, and simply taking the franchise somewhere new helped a lot. Tokyo Drift is kind of like the Mr. Baseball of car movies. Taking it to Japan forced Tokyo Drift to invent characters who were a little more complex and interesting than the SoCal archetypes of the original or the heist movie stock characters of the later series. Han, while still ultimately a babyface (though less so than when they brought him back later in the series) is allowed to be more morally complex than Dom Toretto ever was. Sung Kang is also arguably a better actor (and so handsome!).

I get thinking Tokyo Drift is more like a Karate Kid movie than a Fast/Furious movie, but… well, some people might say that’s a good thing. It also has both a “you just don’t get it, do you” scene and a “we’re not so different, you and I” scene.

1. Furious 7 (aka 7 Fast 7 Furious, aka The One With The Rock Flexing Out Of His Cast, aka The One With The CGI Paul Walker)

Number In The Franchise: 7

Year Released: 2015

Director: James Wan

New Faces: Jason Statham, Nathalie Emmanuel, Djimon Hounsou

And now we come to number one, easily my favorite of the series and the only Fast/Furious movie that I wholeheartedly love: Furious 7. James Wan took all of the goofy elements of previous installments and turned them into something resembling art. I could almost explain my love for Furious 7 solely through gifs:

Yes, Furious 7 had The Rock flexing his way out of a cast. It also had Vin Diesel smashing Letty’s tombstone with a sledgehammer (you’ll remember from previous installments that Letty was presumed dead and struggled with amnesia), The Rock choke-slamming Jason Statham through a glass coffee table, Vin Diesel killing a helicopter with a car, and Letty saving Paul Walker from falling off a cliff by having him grab onto her spoiler.

But I don’t love Furious 7 because of novelty value alone. All those memorable moments are illustrative of the way Wan, previously of Saw, Insidious, and The Conjuring, shoots his action scenes with a beginning, middle, and end, usually with a big punchline (like the cast, or the spoiler, or the choke slam).

It’s not that anything in Furious 7 is any more believable from a physics standpoint than the action in previous fast movies (he even had Dom and Brian O’Connor jump their cars from one high-rise skyscraper into another), it’s that it has timing, rhythm, and a sense of humor. His action scenes don’t turn into one long, deafening muddle like so many of the setpieces in the other movies, they have peaks and valleys and bridges, like the choruses and verses in a song. Between Furious 7 and Aquaman, I’m convinced that no one does stupid, fun, ridiculously expensive blockbusters as well as James Wan.

This was a movie so idiotic and brilliant that it had a posthumous tribute to Paul Walker with Corona product placement in the middle of it that was still so touching that it had people sobbing in the aisles.

God, what a movie. I wish every dumb blockbuster could be as good as Furious 7.

9. F9 (aka The One With John Cena, aka Magnets, How Do They Work?)

Year Released: 2021

Position in the Franchise: 9

Director: Justin Lin

New Faces: John Cena, Cardi B

Plot: Hoo boy, how long do you have? Dom discovers, partly via a Princess Leia-style hologram of Mr. Nobody, that his long-lost brother, Jakob, played by John Cena, is working for some kind of European dictator. They’re trying to get his hands on “the Aries device,” which is a thing that can hack any computer and is somehow different from the “God’s Eye” from the last movie.

Before we get into the movie, I just want to point out that Vin Diesel told Kelly Clarkson that he had a “strange feeling” that the dearly-departed Paul Walker had “sent” John Cena to play Vin’s brother in the ninth Fast/Furious movie, which is one of the more amazing statements any actor has made during any press tour. The beauty of Vin Diesel is that he can sort of stare off into the distance and growl something completely nonsensical and make it sound like ancient wisdom. “Man… sometimes I just… sometimes when I’m out there on the road… I just think about sea otters and I have to smile, you know?”

Anyway, I saved this for the end partly because I didn’t want take the shine off these rankings by telling you that the latest one sucks, but… hoo boy. As I’ve noted, some of my favorite movies of this franchise came after the shift from it being about street racing to it being about international espionage. That opinion didn’t take into account F9, which is like a Scooby Doo James Bond movie starring models and rappers and wrestlers.

Yes, a team of grown-up Mouseketeers murdering terrorists by the dozen while exchanging sanitized sitcom dialogue feels like a peculiarly American phenomenon, and it’s fairly unsettling — is it for babies or grown ups? It’s for grown ups who are babies! — but the larger implications aren’t what make F9 so boring. The stunts now seem more like a thing the filmmakers have to get done than something they’re having fun with, or something that inspires them. F9‘s big innovation is a giant magnet, which they use (and use and use) for great effect. Unlike Furious 7, however, F9‘s stunts never seem to have a beginning, middle, and end, or a memorable punchline, they’re usually just one long, confusing drone. And that’s when the characters aren’t trekking all over the world in search of some MacGuffin no one cares about.

One fun game you can play while watching F9 is trying to answer the question “where are they going and why?” For 95% of the screen time I had no Earthly idea. The gang seemingly drives their cars in endless circles while dodging drones and missile strikes. Where anyone ends up and why is fairly arbitrary. A character who was in a control room or a secret lair 25 seconds ago will suddenly show up piloting a fighter jet, as if magically transported by a little kid who cheats at GI Joes.

At this stage in the game, with Paul Walker gone and us still stuck with Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Jordana Brewster and the gang, what this franchise really could’ve used is some actors. Instead, F9 gives us John Cena, who is not only not an actor, but, and I’m sorry to put it this way: exceptionally unpleasant to look at. Are there people who actually enjoy looking at this man’s giant angular head? His overstuffed sausage arms look like a He-Man action figure left out in the sun. It doesn’t help that they give him an awful haircut and make him frown for the whole movie. Charlize Theron gets the awful haircut treatment too, with some kind of bleachy, Lloyd Christmas bowl cut that covers her eyebrows in front. Didn’t this franchise use to be all about eye candy? Even when it was bad it was beautiful to look at.

Now it feels like a group of people barely maintaining the pretense that this franchise is still relevant in between mentions of Dodge Chargers, Corona, and other Universal properties like the Minions. Where the characters once existed as an attempt to reflect the street racing culture they were trying to depict, they now feel more like sock puppets for zombie IP.

‘F9’ opens in theaters this weekend. Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.