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Justin Timberlake Wrote A New Song To Perform For A Joe Biden Inauguration TV Special

Joe Biden’s inauguration on January 20 is something many Americans have anticipated for years, so there will be some celebrating. Part of that will include Celebrating America, a TV special on January 20 that will air live at 8:30 p.m. ET on ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, and MSNBC, as Variety reports.

Tom Hanks is set to host, and the event will feature musical performances from Justin Timberlake, Demi Lovato, Jon Bon Jovi, and Ant Clemons. Furthermore, Timberlake revealed that he has written a new song, “Better Days,” that he will perform for the event.

Timberlake wrote on Instagram of the track, “A few months ago, during lockdown, @antclemons and I wrote a song together called BETTER DAYS. (I actually recorded my final vocals for this song on election night…) This past year brought a lot of frustration, grief, anger — and there were times when it was easy to feel powerless. This song was our way of doing what little we could to encourage everyone to stay hopeful… and keep working towards a better, more equal future. I’m very honored to announce we will be performing this song on January 20th for the Presidential Inauguration. We have a long way to go to fix, undo, and rebuild this country… but I hope now, despite the past four years, we are on our way.”

In addition to the aforementioned TV networks, the event will also be livestreamed via YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Twitch, Amazon Prime Video, Microsoft Bing, NewsNOW from Fox and AT&T DirectTV, and U-verse.

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Regina King On Her Brilliant Directorial Debut, ‘One Night In Miami…’

Regina King has been part of this writer’s entertainment viewing since he was 10 years old, back when she played Brenda Jenkins on 227, a show I watched religiously. (I was a big Marla Gibbs fan from watching The Jeffersons so of course I was going to watch her new vehicle.) The reason any of this is brought up is because, at that time, television shows featuring Black casts were plentiful on primetime network TV, which obviously included King’s. Then, by the mid-’90s, they were for the most part gone. And I’ve always wondered what King’s opinion was on this. And, it turns out, she’s thought about that a lot, too.

Gosh, what a run for Regina King over the last couple of years. In early 2019 she won an Oscar for If Beale Street Could Talk. Then she won a fourth Emmy for starring in one of the best television series of the last decade, Watchmen. And now comes her feature film directorial debut, the wonderful One Night in Miami, which has received almost universal acclaim (and starts streaming via Amazon Prime this Friday).

Written by Kemp Powers (who also wrote Pixar’s Soul), it’s loosely based on a true story of the night Muhammad Ali (then using the name Cassius Clay) beat Sonny Liston in what would be one of the famous boxing matches of all time. Later that night, Ali (Eli Goree) hung out with Jim Brown (Aldis Hodge), Sam Cooke (Leslie Odom Jr.) and Malcolm X (Kingsley Ben-Adir). Not a lot is known about what the foursome actually discussed that night. When Jim Brown talks about it today, it’s usually some form of, “We had a great time.” So the dialogue is imagined, but it creates a fascinating case study of four famous men with different ideas of how to use their fame. (For instance, in the film, Malcolm X has very different opinions than Jim Brown, who wants to star in movies.)

Ahead, King talks about why it was this particular project that got her in the director’s chair for the first time. And she talks about who might represent these four people today, if they were all in a room together talking, which, she admits, is kind of an impossible question to answer, except for the inclusion of LeBron James.

(For context, the day we spoke was after the events of January 6th, which makes even informal greetings hard to do these days.)

How are you?

I am… You know…

I told myself I wasn’t going to ask that because there’s no good answer to that right now and now I feel like a fool.

No, I’ve been telling myself that for the past year now and I still say, “How are you?” We’ve been conditioned to ask those three words.

I’ve been doing this job for a long time now, but I still get anxious when I talk to people I have literally been watching since I was like 10 years old, when you were on 227. In a, “Oh, this is someone that’s been part of my life for a very long time,” kind of way.

[Laughs] Yeah, I feel like a relative.

Yeah that whole NBC Saturday night lineup were like relatives of mine.

[Laughs] Right.

One Night in Miami… what a wonderful movie you’ve created.

Thank you. Thank you.

I am curious, this is your first feature film you’ve directed. Were you set to direct anything ever before? I know you’ve done TV, but as far as feature films?

Yeah, there was a bit of that. There were things that had come my way, but I didn’t really respond to. I’m always reading things as a director, the same way I read things as an actor. Are they things that are interesting to me as an audience member? I’m always reading it as an audience member, and so this was one that truly made me sit up in my seat. It was on the page. Kemp [Powers] had done most of the heavy lifting. While it might’ve been 2019 when I was reading it, it was just this time then – as it is now; whether it’s 1980s, ’60s, ’50s, ’40s – these conversations have been conversations within black circles for so long that they’re exhausting. But here was a way to have a private conversation publicly, which I felt was necessary.

Have you talked to Jim Brown? Because every time I’ve heard him talk about he just says something like, “Oh, we had a wild time.” At least I’ve never heard him getting into the specifics of it. Or does that even matter?

He doesn’t. The only thing that I think has been said about that night, from him, is that it was a good time and that they ate vanilla ice cream.

So to take four of the most famous people of the last century and put them in a room together, which they actually were, and then just create these conversations between them, what were you expecting the reaction to be to something like this? Obviously it’s been going over very well.

Well, if we, as a film team, did a great job at taking Kemp’s work and bringing it to life as passionately as he brought those words to his pen to paper, then I felt like there was definitely an opportunity for the audience to receive it the way I did when I read it. I can’t imagine anyone reading the script and not being moved and not feeling like, wow, I’ve never seen these men like this. And I’ve been seeing these men all of my life. And so I am happy that people are receiving it the way I did upon my first read.

Is there an equivalent today to these four people?

I mean, this is one of those questions that is truly subjective, right? It’s depending on who you asked. Someone could quickly say four people who they think and we might be like, oh my God, you are actually comparing them to Malcolm X? Are you serious? You know, but to each his own. Someone asked me that question yesterday and I just threw some names out there. But I did because I was asked that question and I was in the hot seat, but I tried to think about it afterwards and I still had a tough time coming up with 2020 equivalent, or 2021 equivalent to those four men. But perhaps, you know, one of those people was like a LeBron James.

Well, LeBron is a good answer. He’s very famous and very socially involved.

Out of the things that Muhammad Ali and Jim Brown were able to accomplish with their careers, and then what they accomplish with their platforms. You know, LeBron is about the closest thing to it, you know?

It was really interesting what you did with Jim Brown in this movie. He just wants to make some movies and wasn’t as into what some of the other people in the room were saying.

Well, I think the thing that was powerful to us as filmmakers, the reasoning that Jim Brown left the NFL, sure, it was hard on his body, but being told that you can’t do what you dream to do? Athletes now? People go out of their way to get that athlete into their frame, where Jim was put in a position where he was being told he had to choose either or.

Was there an episode of television you directed, or maybe a film that you had been in before, that you leaned on for how to make this?

I don’t know if I can think of one film, in particular, that I felt like our set is similar to. And I think I can pretty much say that about everything that I’ve been part of. They’ve all been unique in their own way. Part of what makes it hard to call out a favorite, you kind of feel like they all have things about them that make them stand out, for different reasons. So I always say my favorite project is the one I’m working on now. I mean, I would say that there are a lot of things that I’ve picked up along the way: that I employed when having this first film, navigating, you know. You learn the good things to do are equally as important as seeing things that don’t go well and saying, okay, yeah, I will never do that.

Something I’ve really wanted to ask you about — I mentioned 227 earlier — when I think about watching network television in the ’80s, maybe around half of the prime time shows I watched had Black casts. I watched 227, I watched Amen, I watched The Jeffersons. And I’ve always wondered about that because I think that made a big difference in pop culture and, as a kid, it had an effect. And then they all went away and I’ve always curious what you thought about that.

Well…

If I worded that weird, which is very possible, I’m sorry…

Oh no, no, no, no, no. I definitely think about that. I remember, because, like we talked about, the Saturday night lineup. And I think The Cosby Show came on a weeknight, or something like that. And A Different World was after that. And we were just in a space where there were a lot of shows that had Black actors in it, or subject matter that really highlighted the Black experience. We had Martin and The Jamie Foxx Show and that rolled right into Spike Lee and John Singleton. And the late ’80s and early ’90s definitely seemed as though we were on our way to this space in cinema and TV that really was going to continue to include Black people in the stories and star Black people in the stories and these stories that are Black stories. And that seemed to be happening. And then, just like all of a sudden, like ’93, ’94 rolls around, and it just was completely gone.

You kind of joked earlier, oh, we were a relative. But I was an only child living in Missouri and having those shows on in prime time had an effect on me. And like you said, by the mid ’90s they were gone. I really do wonder if that had an effect on people?

I do. Things started slowing up around that time, and so here we are again, in a time where there are more outlets to tell stories. And so we’re starting to see that pick up again, so I hope that this is not “a moment.” I feel like we won’t allow it to be. But we’ll see.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

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New York City Is Cancelling A $17 Million Annual City Contract With Trump: We ‘Don’t Do Business With Insurrectionists’

As it turns out, inciting an insurrection has consequences. These may or may not include President Trump getting impeached for a second time (we should know more on that soon), but the results are certainly turning out to be financial hits for GOP senators who dug in their heels over certifying the Electoral College vote. For example, Hallmark decided to take a stand against Missouri-based Senator Josh Hawley, who had already been dropped by his book publisher for his role in helping to incite the failed MAGA uprising. And now, New York City is coming out against Trump himself by making it clear that he’s not welcome, which is happening after his Mar-a-Lago neighbors said they don’t want him, either. (It might be time to move to Russia.)

The New York City stuff is really something, although it’s a move that many feel is overdue, given that Trump’s name is stamped in gold on hotels and towers, and the Trump Organization owns some landmarks (like the Central Park Carousel) without a lot of advertising about it. Well, it’s not happening anymore. In a tweet, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced (while tweeting, “New York City doesn’t do business with insurrectionists”) that the city will terminate contracts with the Trump Org regarding the Central Park carousel operations, along with a pair of ice skating rinks area (this essentially purges Trump from Central Park) and a golf course in the Bronx.

This will make Donald Trump’s wallet a whole lot lighter, given that (according to Forbes) these contracts are worth over $17 million per year. People sure are feeling good about this move, but they’d like Trump out of all five boroughs.

The full statement from the City of New York, which does not tread lightly (“[t]he President incited a rebellion against the United States government that killed five people and threatened to derail the constitutional transfer of power”), can be read below.

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LeBron Won $100 From Dennis Schröder On A ‘Legendary’ Bet As A Shot Was Mid-Air

LeBron James has been doing the whole “being extremely good at basketball” thing for a while. From the time he was in high school, James’ calling card has been doing things on the hardwood that take our breath away. Still, 18 years into his NBA career and James is capable of doing things that we’ve never seen him do before.

The Los Angeles Lakers took on the Houston Rockets on Tuesday night, and at one point, James pulled up from three right in front of the Lakers’ bench. In what was a pretty admirable Steph Curry impression, James launched, then turned and looked at his bench before taking off in the other direction after the ball went through the net.

The bench went wild, and for all of us sitting at home, it seemed to be because James just did, well, that. But it turns out there was something more there: James turning around was to acknowledge a spur-of-the-moment bet with Dennis Schröder, one which he won.

“I told him to bet a Benjamin on it, so he shot it,” Schroder said, per Dave McMenamin of ESPN. “Shot it and turned around and said, ‘Bet.’ Then, it went in. It’s just legendary.”

It stands to reason that James has won a number of in-game bets throughout his career, but this one is certainly a something. The Lakers came out on top, 117-100, with James going for 26 points, eight rebounds, five assists, and an extra $100.

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Denzel Curry Helps Nyck Caution Vent On The Rambunctious ‘Bad Day’

Pro Era member Nyck Caution is gearing up to release his next album, Anywhere But Here, this week. To give fans a taste of what to expect from the new project, Caution shared a new single, “Bad Day,” at midnight. While most of Pro Era’s members have demonstrated an ability to evolve past their early throwback sensibilities, “Bad Day,” which also features Florida rabble-rouser Denzel Curry, demonstrates how far Caution has come as he dabbles for the first time in the modern drill sound from his hometown.

It’s a feat that works well for both rappers, who have consistently proven over the years that they can rap over any kind of beat. However, their bars-first approach is especially effective here, as their double-time, wordplay ridden rhymes liven up a thumping beat choice that could have sounded like just another generic take on the Brooklyn drill style.

Naturally, Nyck’s new album — his first full-length effort since 2016’s Disguise The Limit — will assemble the usual suspects as he pushes his musical boundaries. Fellow Pro Era members CJ Fly and Joey Badass appear on two separate tracks, while fellow Brooklyn rising stars Erick Arc Elliott of Flatbush Zombies and Kota The Friend appear on “Product Of My Environment. Check out the full tracklist below.

01. “December 24th” Feat. Elbee Thrie
02. “Anywhere But Here” Feat. Maverick Sabre & Alex Mali
03. “Motion Sickness”
04. “Vin Skit #1”
05. “How You Live It” Feat. Joey Badass
06.” What You Want” Feat. Gashi
07. “Dirt On Your Name”
08. “Vin Skit #2”
09. “Bad Day” Feat. Denzel Curry
10. “Coat Check/Session 47”
11. “Product of My Environment” Feat. Kota The Friend & Erick Arc Elliott
12. “Things Could Be Worse” Feat. CJ Fly & Jake Luttrell
13. “Something To Remember Me By” Feat. The Mind
14. “Kids That Wish”

Listen to “Bad Day” above.

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Kai Jones Is Exploding On The Scene As A Fascinating 2021 NBA Draft Prospect

If there’s one thing that holds true in every NBA Draft, no matter how good it is from top to bottom, it’s that someone will surprise you. Whether it’s a super popular five-star prospect turning into a pumpkin or a relative nobody bursting into the lottery picture, there will never be a mock draft that looks the same in May as it does in the previous November.

Sometimes, these players are like Zhaire Smith, Rashad Vaughn, Chris McCullough, or Ndudi Ebi, athletic freshmen who catch a team’s eye during workouts. More dependably, they’re second or even third year college stars who nevertheless flew under the mainstream NBA radar. Tyrese Haliburton is probably the best recent example of this, an advanced stats darling who filled in every possible role on a good tournament team as a freshman before breaking out as a national star the next year. To find such a potential player so far this year, you don’t have to look any farther than Texas sophomore big man Kai Jones.

I wouldn’t say Jones, a 6’11 big man from The Bahamas, was a complete unknown coming into college (he was a four-star and rated as the No. 51 recruit in the country, per his 247Sports Composite rating), but his production, such as it was, mostly flew under the radar. I’d go as far as to call him a mild disappointment, logging only 15 or so minutes per game and shooting exactly 50 percent from the field. The physical talent, which I’ll get into, was obvious even in his high school tape, but he just couldn’t stay on the floor for a variety of reasons. One of those reasons — foul trouble — is still apparent through nine games this year, but now, the overall production is so high and the flashes so great that Shaka Smart almost has to play him, even at the expense of five-star prospect and potential first-round pick Greg Brown.

Through those nine games, Jones is putting up per-40 averages of 16.5 points, 9.2 rebounds, 1.2 assists, 1.6 steals, and one block, with the eye-popping shooting splits of 62.7 percent from the field, 43.8 percent from three, and 72 percent from the line. These numbers have come against teams like Davidson, North Carolina, Villanova, Indiana, Oklahoma State, and Kansas, so it’s not like he’s feasting on small schools that inflate his numbers. Jones leads Texas in BPM (Box Plus-Minus), True Shooting, Effective Field Goal Percentage, and Offensive Rating, and true to those numbers, his shot profile is something to behold. Jones is shooting 27-for-38 around the rim (including 20 dunks), 30-for-43 on all twos, and 7-for-16 from three. That last numbers separates him a bit from someone like Jaxson Hayes, who Jones will inevitably be compared to as a 6’11 thin dunker from Texas.

The main appeal of Jones as a prospect is his intersection of elite mobility, length, and scoring touch. Here, against Oklahoma State, he attacks a closeout like a guard and scores on a sweet looking eurostep, then showcases his great lateral movement skills to smother a drive.

Here he dribble drives into the paint and pump fakes Trayce Jackson-Davis, an NBA athlete in his own right, completely out of his shoes and finishes with some impressive burst out of a standstill. Not very many 6’11 players in the NBA right now can do this consistently.

His shooting seems fairly legitimate thus far, too. With this jab step against UNC…

…and a pass fake into a long range bomb against Oklahoma State to accounting for two of his five makes thus far.

Finally, while his defense is probably his weakest overall skill right now (too many fouls, generally inconsistent body control, lack of strength), those same movement skills can provide some absolutely terrific flashes at times.

The list of 6’10 or taller college players to shoot 70 percent at the rim and 40 percent from three (with 15 dunks at least 3.5 threes attempted per 100) is littered with guys like Frank Kaminsky, Dean Wade, Markieff Morris, Killian Tillie, Aric Holman, and Justin Harper, and while those guys have all mostly shot well as pros, it would be hard to argue any of them is in the same galaxy as Jones athletically. That potential upside alone, as a legitimate pull-up shooter, multi-level dunker, and occasional ball-handler will likely get Jones drafted in the first round, if not the late lottery. Even if his defensive discipline and physical strength doesn’t improve at all from now until whenever the next Draft is, it’ll hard to pass up on the flashes.

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Julien Baker Teases ‘Little Oblivions’ With Her Gargantuan Album Opener ‘Hardline’

Julien Baker’s upcoming album Little Oblivions opens with the song “Hardline,” which Baker has shared today. Like the singles that preceded it, the new song shows Baker taking leaps with her arrangements, working dramatic organ hits and other new-to-her sounds into the hugely climactic, sometimes post-rock-like track.

Baker says of the video she also released for the song:

“A few years ago I started collecting travel ephemera again with a loose idea of making a piece of art with it. I had been touring pretty consistently since 2015 and had been traveling so much that items like plane tickets and hotel keycards didn’t have much novelty anymore. So I saved all my travel stuff and made a little collage of a house and a van out of it. I wanted to incorporate it into the record and when we were brainstorming ideas for videos we came across Joe Baughman and really liked his work so we reached out with the idea of making a stop-motion video that had similar aesthetic qualities as the house I built did. I don’t know why I have the impulse to write songs or make tiny sculptures out of plane tickets. But here it is anyway: a bunch of things I’ve collected and carried with me that I’ve re-organized into a new shape.”

Baughman also notes of the visual, “Even after having spent 600 hours immersed in ‘Hardline’ and having listened to it thousands of times, I am still moved by it. It was a fun and ambitious challenge creating something that could accompany such a compelling song. The style of the set design, inspired by a sculpture that Julien created, was especially fun to work in. I loved sifting through magazines, maps, and newspapers from the 60s and 70s and finding the right colors, shapes, and quotes to cover almost every surface in the video.”

Watch the “Hardline” video above.

Little Oblivions is out 2/26 via Matador Records. Pre-order it here.

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‘WandaVision’s Kathryn Hahn Swears She ‘Couldn’t Have Dreamt A Cooler Part’ Than Her Nosy Neighbor

Later this week, Kathryn Hahn makes her Marvel Cinematic Universe debut when WandaVision starts streaming on Disney+, and for the first time, the actress is opening up about her mysterious character “Agnes” and what it’s like joining the ambitious project that will bend reality as it hurtles through decades of classic TV. While not much is known about Hahn’s Agnes, some Marvel fans are convinced that she’s secretly Agatha Harkness, an ancient sorceress from the comics who’s both mentored the Scarlet Witch and been her adversary. In short, the two characters have a history together, and in a new interview, Hahn reveals that WandaVision will go deep into the Scarlet Witch’s “dark” and “traumatic” backstory, which is what drew Hahn to the project.

Unlike the Marvel films, WandaVision can take its time really exploring the characters including Hahn’s Agnes who will play a central role in the story. “I couldn’t have dreamt a cooler part, honestly,” Hahn said. “I was thrilled.” It also doesn’t hurt that while the Marvel films are notoriously secret, Hahn was tipped off to the mysteries of WandaVision while the show was filming. Via The Hollywood Reporter:

So I did have the luxury of knowing where everybody was headed; I got to know the whole thing. As the decades hurdled by, the trick was to hold steady to something in the center, and that became really fun. Agnes’ role, especially in a classic sitcom sense, is that neighbor who’s always flopping over uninvited and offering advice. We know nothing about her own homelife, and she’s always complaining while at their house. There’s such a legacy of those characters from so many shows, and it was really fun to research that trope.

Ahead of WandaVision’s premiere, the series official Twitter account released a character poster featuring Hahn’s Agnes, which you can see below:

WandaVision starts streaming January 15 on Disney+.

(Via The Hollywood Reporter)

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The ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ Cast Questions Whether Netflix’s Live-Action Remake Will Be ‘Redundant’

The voice cast for Avatar: The Last Airbender virtually reunited over the weekend to discuss Nickelodeon’s beloved animated series that saw a massive surge in popularity last year after being added to Netflix. Those in attendance included Dee Bradley Baker, the voice of Appa and Momo, and Olivia Hack, the voice of Ty Lee, and they shared their thoughts on the streaming service’s upcoming live-action remake.

“I just don’t know how you fulfill that any better than this show did. I’m open to whatever they do with the live-action series, which I know nothing about, but it’s like, ‘Well, how do you do this better than the way that it was rendered on this show?’ I don’t know how you do that! I hope you can,” Bradley Baker said. Hack added, “Especially when you’re doing the exact same series, but as a live-action. You’re not adding onto it or expanding the universe. You’re doing the same thing, which feels redundant, but I don’t know.”

I will watch the live-action The Last Airbender remake partially because the original series is one of the greatest animated shows of all-time, and partially out of morbid curiosity. But Bradley Baker and Hack make a good point: why mess with perfection? We all know what happened the last time someone made a live-action The Last Airbender

Speaking of, the show’s voice director Andrea Romano also took part of the reunion, and she called M. Night Shyamalan’s film “very disappointing. It’s not good, I’m sorry. The first thing is: we were so good with what we set up. That’s it. Because it was animation and because we were setting the bar… I believe there was an ego involved about, ‘This is mine and I’m doing it this way. I don’t care that you two guys [creators Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko] created this incredibly successful series and have all this information you could give me. I’m pretty much not gonna listen to you and do what I wanna do.’ Which is fine, that’s his prerogative, but that’s why [it didn’t work].”

Also this:

Dante DiMartino and Konietzko departed the remake over “creative direction.”

(Via Winter is Coming)

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An Incomplete List Of Movies That Should Be Remade With Danny McBride And Walton Goggins

My theory, disputed by many doctors, is that the human brain has tiny fishing hooks inside it. Not a lot of them, maybe half a dozen. They just kind of sit there hanging out into the open thoroughfares that our thoughts pass through. Most thoughts, especially the important ones (“hey, remember to pay your credit card bill”; “this person looks like a Mike but his name is actually Greg and he will get mad if you screw it up”), zip right on by undisturbed, sometimes gathering the escape velocity to shoot straight out of your head completely. Sometimes, though, a thought gets stuck on one of those hooks, and then it just stays there, wriggling around, refusing to leave no matter how hard you shake and jostle it. They’re usually useless ones, too, like facts you have no need to remember (“Liam Gallagher owns over 2000 tambourines”) or song lyrics that haunt you for decades (“Man, it’s a hot one…”). Every now and then, though, an idea will get snagged. A really good one. One that someone else might have tossed out as a joke and forgotten about but stays on the hook in your brain for weeks, shouting at the other thoughts passing through, altering each of them, and consuming you completely.

This is happening to me. It started on December 21, when I saw this tweet:

It is so true and so obvious in hindsight that I’m angry no one thought of it years ago, especially me. I would watch that movie every weekend. Danny McBride and Walton Goggins are perfect together, as we’ve seen, multiple times, with evidence, and yes, this is me talking about Vice Principles and The Righteous Gemstones again, two mostly perfect little shows that highlight each actor’s strengths. So they’ve already been in things together. They can be in more things together going forward. Like, for example, that Prestige remake, or, for many other examples, the other movie remakes my brain has been cranking away on since that tweet got stuck on one of its hooks.

Yes, I’m sorry (but also you are welcome), we are doing this. Here is an incomplete list of movies that I would like to see remade with Danny McBride and Walton Goggins. Any or all will be acceptable.

The Fugitive

The key to this one is that McBride has to play the Harrison Ford character and Goggins has to play the Tommy Lee Jones character. I don’t think anyone will have any objections to this, but for those who may be questioning it, consider:

  • Walton Goggins giving the “warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse” speech
  • Danny McBride storming into a crowded ballroom and shouting “This corrupt motherfucker switched the samples!”

I know there’s no cussing in the original version of that line. But get a good picture in your brain of Danny McBride saying that. I think you’ll agree that it plays.

Face/Off

Goggins as Travolta, McBride as Cage, also for two important reasons:

  • I really want to see Walton Goggins’ take on John Travolta’s take on Nicolas Cage, right down to the deranged smirking and eyes flooded with chaos
  • I really want to see Danny McBride brandish two solid gold handguns as he leaps out of an airplane

I consider these requests to be reasonable in every way.

Batman

Any Batman movie will do, honestly, but the obvious choice here is one that features Joker, just for the historic rivalry. The Dark Knight, yes, sure, fine, but also the original Batman with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. That one might be preferable, now that I think about it, in part because it’s not the second film in a trilogy and will be somewhat less confusing (I said somewhat), and in part, because I love a big cartoony Joker in big cartoony suits. So, let’s do that one.

The tricky part of this one is who plays who. And it’s extra frustrating for me because I’m the guy who wrote a whole thing about how every actor is either a Batman or a Joker and how it’s kind of obvious once you think about it. But even then I admitted that these two are confusing, saying, apologies for quoting myself, “Danny McBride is such a Joker that he might be a Batman as a prank” and “Walton Goggins is, at present, a Joker, but is one perspective-shifting supporting role away from becoming the most fascinating Batman of all.” Do you see the problem here? I, the self-appointed expert on the subject, couldn’t decide back then when I had tasked myself with deciding. It’s a conundrum. It might keep me awake for a week. That’s why I propose a compromise, one I think you will agree is fair and equitable…

We make two Batman remakes, one with Goggins as Batman and McBride as Joker, one with McBride as Batman and Goggins as Joker, and we let the public decide. Democracy in action. Plus, I want to see both of these. Not a losing side to be found anywhere.

Good Will Hunting

This one requires some cheating, to the extent that any of this contains rules that can be broken, which it does not. Here’s how we do it: Goggins plays the Matt Damon character, aged down a few decades with the Benjamin Button machine; McBride plays BOTH the Ben Affleck and Robin Williams roles, also via the Benjamin Button machine. God, I want to see this. I want to see Goggins doing a thick Boston accent. I want to see McBride give the “The best part of my day speech,” I REALLY want to see the “It’s not your fault” speech, with Goggins acting his heart and crying and McBride twisting the whole thing by complaining that there’s snot on his sweater or something.

This is a pretty bad idea. I stand by it completely.

All the President’s Men

WARNER BROS.

Goggins as Redford/Woodward, McBride as Hoffman/Bernstein. Neither of these is perfect, I’ll admit that right up front. But I’ll tell you how I got there: hair. Robert Redford has had perfect shampoo commercial hair for almost a full century now (he still does today, Google it). Walton Goggins had an incredible hair situation on Justified. His hair seemed to get more spiky and unkempt as his character became more unhinged, kind of like a follicle mood ring. The two men are similar in the way they are opposites: one a blonde Adonis with the hair of a teen pop star; one a menacing brunette whose hair appears to be running away from his face. It’s so wrong it’s right.

As far as the other half of this one… I don’t know. I just want to see Danny McBride and Walton Goggins take down Nixon. I shouldn’t have to explain any of this beyond that. And the hair.

Fight Club

I have five words for you and I want you to think about them for the rest of the day. Are you ready?

Okay, here we go…

Danny McBride as Tyler Durden.

Thank you. Moving on.

Tombstone

This is another tricky one because there are a bunch of characters in Tombstone and a fair amount of them could go either way. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and here’s what I’ve settled on:

  • Danny McBride as Wyatt Earp because I want to see him with a luxurious mustache like the one Kurt Russell sported
  • Walton Goggins as Doc Holiday because I pictured him saying “I’m your Huckleberry” just now and it felt delightful
  • Sam Elliott reprises his role over two decades later with no explanation
  • Chalamet as Johnny Ringo

Get them all cowboy hats and start production.

Gladiator

I’m very sorry, truly, but if you don’t want to see an alternate version of Gladiator that stars Danny McBride as Maximus and Walton Goggins as Commodus, I don’t know what I can do to help you. You’re a lost soul. You just have to make this journey on your own, a solitary search for what ails your broken spirit, as soon as you can. Just picture Walton Goggins stabbing Danny McBride and whispering “Smile for me now, brother,” and then picture Danny McBride screaming “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?” That could help. Maybe rewatch the whole movie tonight to get a better feel for it. I feel pretty certain that you don’t have anything better to do.

Toy Story

The first Toy Story, exactly the same, not a single frame of animation changed or a fraction of the plot altered, with the exception of three things:

  • Walton Goggins as Woody
  • Danny McBride as Buzz Lightyear
  • Rated R due to the addition of 100+ swear words

I’ll still cry at the end. There’s no getting around it.

The First Season of True Detective

HBO

Technically cheating again because this is a television show instead of a movie, but consider this: Danny McBride sitting in an interview room with a Lone Star pounder on the table in front of him and a lit cigarette —wait, no, definitely a joint — in his hand that he lifts to his mouth and takes a long drag from before saying “Time’s a flat circle, hombre” and exhaling a thick cloud in the stale room. That’s pretty good. And doing this also allows me to type the phrase “Walton Goggins as Woody Harrelson,” which is both a fun collection of words and a biopic I kind of want to see now.

So, let’s get to work on that one, too. After these. Priorities, etc.