Category: News

All adventure games are fetch quests when you really get down to it. The magic of playing those games, however, is the feeling that completing that seemingly-endless list of tasks is worth it in some way. The characters grow, maybe you grow or unlock new abilities or parts of the story. In a world full of potential distractions, video games occupy a space between the idle and the pointless. It’s not passive entertainment, and though the effort they require effort may only create results trapped inside the game itself, it feels worthwhile because of the journey taken.

When that magic isn’t there, though, the tedious nature of what video games are can be difficult to ignore. Unfortunately that’s the case with Summer in Mara, an adorable seafaring exploration game that never feels like more than the sum of its mechanics. The Chibig Studios release hit consoles in mid-June and offered a sunny adventure title where a little girl, Mara, explores a world of islands and magical secrets.

Early looks at the game drew comparisons to the sprawling Breath Of The Wild, and while comparing it to a massive Nintendo title is unfair it’s safe to expect at least a remotely compelling story to drive the experience of playing an adventure title. But despite some gorgeous cinematics and mystery, Summer In Mara never escapes the feeling you’re chasing things down for the sake of little more than passing time.

Perhaps the problem is an attempt to be too many styles of game. It has farming simulation and an exhaustion meter, a la Stardew Valley. But unlike that indie darling, or even the day/night mechanics of a game like Animal Crossing, it never feels like that passage of time means much of anything in relation to the tasks of the actual story. Growing crops takes time and people need to sleep, but you often find yourself “going to bed” early in a day just to advance the calendar.

Sailing is a main aspect of the game, but while initially exciting it quickly becomes a drag. So much of the game is sailing between islands to do a single thing, or sleeping in a boat just to complete a task before having to sail to another island and back in order to complete another. You craft for the sake of crafting, make dishes because other characters are simply too lazy to do the same and find items useless other than to be a macguffin that continues the story in no otherwise meaningful way.

The game tries to be funny and colorful and sweet, and it’s definitely two of those things. But the childishness and vivid palate only slightly masks the completion of tasks for the sake of checking them off a list. And those tasks often don’t flow very elegantly from one to the next. Rather than a sense of limitless potential like some adventure games, the feeling is more about aimless sailing, backtracking and running across islands as quickly as possible to move on to the next task to complete.

After a while, the most satisfying task was to just try another story entirely.

It has been exactly 104 days since we last saw a new episode of The Walking Dead, or any episode from The Walking Dead universe. It’s not the longest we have gone as viewers without The Walking Dead universe content, but by the time The Walking Dead season 10 finale finally airs, it might be. To think: When 2020 began, AMC expected to air episodes from The Walking Dead universe for 40 straight weeks.

The bad news is this: We still don’t know when The Walking Dead will come back. The good news, however, is that we will soon find out. The announcement about when The Walking Dead season finale will air will be made at virtual Comic Con a week from now on July 24, according to showrunner Angela Kang, who said as much in response to a question in her Instagram comments.

While we don’t know the exact date, we can speculate, and my guess is that AMC has mapped out a new schedule for their The Walking Dead series. There’s one The Walking Dead episode left, there’s a few Fear the Walking Dead episodes that were shot before the pandemic arrived, and there is a whole season of The World Beyond that had been shot but still needed some post-production work to be completed on it. My guess is that the Fear the Walking Dead episodes that are ready to go will air in September or so and act as a lead-in to The World Beyond, which will air where The Walking Dead season 11 should have debuted in October. The Walking Dead season 10 finale will be used either to launch the next season of Fear the Walking Dead or, more likely, the new series, The World Beyond.

As for what we know heading into the season 10 finale? We know that Alpha is dead, and that Alexandria and their alliance will face off against Beta and a horde of zombies in the finale. They’re also weirdly holed up in Grady Memorial, the hospital that Beth was killed in, although clearly it is not supposed to be Grady Memorial. Meanwhile, there is some speculation that a major character may die in the finale, and some think that it could be Father Gabriel.

Meanwhile, while the season 10 finale should be wrapping up the Whisperer War, it will also set in motion the next chapter in The Walking Dead universe, the search for what Father Gabriel calls “the others.” Those others will include Maggie, who will be returning in the season 10 finale and thereafter. Meanwhile, Virgil — who helped to shepherd Michonne’s exit from the series — will return to The Oceanside and may become a more permanent member of that community. Elsewhere, Yumiko, Ezekiel, and Eugene are en route to meet a woman that Eugene has been communicating with on the radio, and they are bringing another new character, Princess, along with them.

We will also get to see what role Negan will get to play on the series moving ahead, especially in light of the return of Maggie, who nearly killed Negan in both the series and the comic book.

Elsewhere, Michonne is in search of Rick Grimes, whose spin-off movies are obviously still up in the air. Her journey, however, is likely to intersect with CRM, a military outfit that also appears to be overseeing the community in The Walking Dead spin-off, The World Beyond. In fact, The World Beyond explicitly ties into the Rick Grimes’ movie (The World Beyond is a limited two-season series, which could end by merging into the Rick Grimes’ movie).

There is clearly a lot going on, and most of it is immediately connected to the season 10 finale of The Walking Dead. One the TWD finale, the remaining episodes of Fear the Walking Dead, and the first season of The World Beyond air, however, it is unclear when we will get more new The Walking Dead content. The situation on the ground in both Georgia (where The Walking Dead shoots) and Texas (where Fear shoots) is not good, and it’s only marginally better (but not good) in Virginia, where The World Beyond films. One imagines, however, that Scott Gimple and the writers have all the scripts for the upcoming seasons written and ready to go, so when production finally does resume, AMC should be able to produce new episodes fairly quickly.

We will find out more about future plans for The Walking Dead universe on July 24th, when The Walking Dead, Fear and The World Beyond all host panels at virtual Comic Con, which will be remote and free to anyone who wants to watch.

Since growing up in the limelight, Britney Spears’ long history with mental health has many times been the source of public scrutiny. Now, a second wave of the #FreeBritney movement has surfaced that theorizes the singer is being held hostage by her conservator. But a new report denies that the singer’s arrangement is unhealthy, rather stating it’s quite the opposite.

A recent report from TMZ quells the #FreeBritney movement, saying the singer is continuing to work through an ongoing battle with mental illness. The report states that the last two years have been particularly difficult for the singer as her former medication stopped working and doctors were having trouble finding the right dosage and combination. TMZ claims that sources have confirmed Spears sometimes pushes for “more freedom,” but she ultimately “hasn’t been especially stable managing her mental illness.”

Spears’ father had been conservator, or legal guardian, for the last 12 years before ceding the role to her manager in 2019. While it’s true that 12 years is an unusually long time, TMZ’s report points out that the singer’s mental health conditions most likely necessitate a lifelong conservatorship. Moreover, there were many professionals who weighed in on the legal decision. In order for a conservatorship to be granted, a handful of doctors, lawyers, therapists, and a judge all have to deem it necessary.

According to the report, a source close to the singer said the conservatorship was put in place to protect Spears’ safety: “These people who are screaming for the conservatorship to end, well if that happened and she hurt herself or died 2 weeks after would these people utter a peep? No way.”

A hearing to review Spears’ conservatorship was originally set for September last year but after the singer didn’t show, a new date was scheduled this April. Due to the pandemic, the official court date was delayed and is now set for July 22.

Revisit Uproxx’s timeline of the #FreeBritney movement here.

The Air Force 1, the Blazer, the SB Dunks, the Huarache, the Cortez — Nike has no short supply of great sneaker silhouettes. And we haven’t even started listing the best of the brand’s Air Jordan iterations. But when we ask the question, “Which Nike is the greatest of all time?” just a few sneakers come to mind. And one of those has to be the Air Max 90.

The Air Max 90 was first released in 1990 and was designed by Tinker Hatfield at a time when the Nike architect had just entered his prime. A follow up to 1987’s Air Jordan III, Hatfield updated the Nike Air Max 1 — a great sneaker in its own right — by shedding some of its bulk, refining the sneaker’s lines, drawing eyes to the exposed Air Bag (a novel concept at the time), and building an upper of leather, mesh, and suede. Originally dubbed the Air Max III, the Air Max 90 signaled a new era of sneaker design. 30 years later, the sneaker continues to be one of Nike’s greatest contributions to modern footwear.

In celebration of the Air Max 90, we combed through the sneaker’s 30-year history and picked out the 20 best colorways of all time. Let’s dive into the visual history of one of Nike’s best.

Nike Air Max 90 Infrared/ Laser Blue, 1990

The Infrared is the colorway that launched the Nike Air Max 90 and it remains to this day, 30 years after its release, one of the greatest Nike Air Max 90s ever made. That isn’t a knock against Nike’s output since, but rather a testament to how well the sneaker’s designer, Tinker Hatfield, hit it out of the park on his first try. The Infrared — along with the Laser Blue makeup that was released later in the year — both featured an upper of leather, suede, and mesh.

It may seem controversial to link these two pairs together, but we’re going to do it anyway — The Laser Blue, the Infrared’s follow-up colorway, is just as good as the debut pair. In fact, while the Infrared tends to get more shine, the Laser Blue might be an even better fit for 2020 sensibilities.

Nike Air Max 90 Silver Surfer, 2003

Flash forward 13 years in the Air Max 90s lineage and we have the next notable colorway — the Silver Surfer. This beloved pair features leather and mesh construction with a gray-toned makeup that comes alive thanks to the splash of red in the accenting-Swoosh. It is, in fact, inspired by the Marvel character of the same name, all the way back in 2003 before American cinema was totally owned by the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Get the message Nike: a rerelease of this coveted colorway would sell out in a second!

Nike Air Max 90 Escape II, 2003

The Escape II offers the first notable departure from the typical Air Max 90 makeup thanks to its earth-toned lifestyle look, which hides the sneaker’s origins as a performance-based runner. The blue swoosh looks particularly good over the toned-down upper and is probably our favorite feature about this iteration. If you’re wondering, yes, there was an Escape 1, — which is a pretty dope all leather make-up — but the Escape 2 just offers that right amount of something different that marks it as one of the best Air Max 90s of all time.

Nike x Dave’s Quality Meats Air Max 90 Bacon, 2004

Straight out of Dave Ortiz and Chris Keeffe’s Dave’s Quality Meats store, this collaborative iteration of the Air Max 90 is known as the “Bacon” because of its fresh toned leather makeup. It’s frankly a disgusting source of inspiration for a sneaker, but hey, it works! The mixed leather and suede upper of the Bacon is dressed in a bouquet of tans, browns, pinks, and reds and looks both stunning and yes, we’ll say it, mouthwatering.

Nike and DQM did the whole dressing in meat thing before Lady Gaga hit the 2010 VMAs in her infamous meat dress. That’s a sneaker ahead of its time.

Nike Air Max 90 Crepe, 2004

The audience for the Air Max 90 is incredibly varied, whether you’re a runner, a skater, or merely love the shape, there is an Air Max 90 for you. 2004’s Crepe Air Max was definitely made for those who opt for a chilled out laid back vibe. This crunchy hippie iteration — which oddly didn’t feature a crepe sole like the Air Max 1, which was released alongside it — featured a hemp upper with suede accents and a pop of Gulf Blue, which contrasts beautifully with the earthy colorway.

Nike Air Max 90 Sertig, 2005

Another hiking-inspired iteration of the Air Max 90, the Sertigs combine yellow leather paneling, an infrared swoosh, and accents, white mesh detailing, deep treads, and a dark speckled midsole. There is something unmistakably 80s about this sneaker with its liberal use of bold colors and its slightly rugged trail-ready design. It remains one of the most popular Air Max 90 silhouettes, 15 years into the sneaker’s life.

Bring on the reissue Nike! We’re ready for some 80s goodness after a decade heavily influenced by the 90s.

Nike x Size? Air Max 90 Clerks, 2006

My personal favorite on this list, the Air Max 90 Clerks was a collaboration between Nike and UK retailer size? The mix of teal, bone, and Baroque Brown is accented by deep pink laces and Air Max branding and features an upper composed of tumbled leather and distressed suede with faux crocodile-skin mudguards.

Size?’s various Nike collaborations share this pair’s mix of premium textiles, but rarely has the UK retailer hit the heights they managed to reach with this pair.

Nike x Patta Air Max 90 Homegrown, 2006

In 2006, you could wear the great city of Amsterdam on your feet with this collaborative iteration of the Air Max 90 from Dutch-based label Patta. The cannabis-inspired sneaker dressed perforated nubuck leather and suede in a dank green wrapping, with subtle textured detailing on the sneaker’s leather panels.

The bright orange accents and treaded gum sole were a reference to the Netherlands’ national team uniform and round out this Air Max’s bold design quite nicely.

Nike x Eminem Air Max 90 Charity Series, 2006

No Nike Air Max 90 list would be complete without mention of Eminem’s Charity Series signature sneaker. It feels a little unfair to include this super exclusive pair — only eight pairs were ever made — but the sneaker has become emblematic of sneakerhead culture as a whole as it remains one of the most coveted pairs of the silhouette ever released. Featuring a patent leather upper of grey, blue, white, and green with Eminem branding on the heel, this Charity Series pair is valued at over $25,000 on aftermarket sites like StockX.

Nike x HUF Air Max 90 HUFQUAKE, 2007

In 2007, HUF’s Keith Hufnagel borrowed Tinker Hatfield’s iconic elephant print from the Air Jordan 4 and slightly altered it for this cracked cement version of the Air Max 90, fittingly known as the HUFQUAKE. Hufnagel toned back the mostly leather upper and beefed up the mesh, dressing the silhouette in a grey and white color scheme with Military blue accents — a winner of a color combo when it comes to the Air Max 90 it seems.

Nike Air Max 90 Warhawk, 2007

Incredibly goofy but lovable nonetheless, the Air Max 90 Warhawk design was inspired by the P-90 air fighters of the same name used in World War II. The sneaker in a weird way resembles BAPE’s shark face design — thanks to the shark teeth graphic along the sneaker’s side. Other details include military-inspired olive-toned leather construction with a bright orange swoosh and laces.

While most people probably can’t rock a pair of sneakers with a shark teeth motif this loud, the Warhawks remain a great pair of Air Max 90 eye candy.

Nike x Kaws Air Max 90 , 2008

American pop artist and designer Brian Donnelly, aka Kaws, designed this simple iteration of the Air Max 90 that combined four-way stretch fabric and leather paneling in an all-white or all-black makeup. Kaws take on the silhouette doesn’t concern itself with busy and complicated design flourishes, and instead lets Tinker Hatfield’s iconic shape do all the heavy lifting.

Kaws fans will find subtle signature touches by the artist, like the double-X stitching that harkens back to Kaws’ own OriginalFake brand.

Nike Air Max 90 King Of The Mountain Mowabb, 2008

One of the most popular Air Max 90 colorways of all time, the Mowabb finds the Air Max 90 at the crossroads of a great basketball trainer — thanks to the NY Knicks-like colorway on the sneaker’s collar and accents — and a great hiking sneaker (peep the “King of the Mountain” heel branding). Is it either? Not really, but that sure is what it looks like!

A beautiful combination of royal blue, bright orange, and soft pink paneling make up the mostly leather upper, and a snakeskin mudguard and a speckled midsole round out the design of this colorful and playful pair.

Nike x Dizzee Rascal Air Max 90 Tongue n’ Cheek, 2009

What do you get when you combine one of Tinker Hatfields most recognizable designs with one of the UK’s greatest grime rappers? The Dizzee Rascal Nike Air Max 90 Tongue n’ Cheek. Made in collaboration with Ben Drury, who designed the cover of Dizzee’s album of the same name, the Tongue n’ Cheek features a translucent outsole with muted shades of pink under a white suede and leather upper.

Aside from the bold “Tongue n’ Cheek” branding on the tongue, this pair of the Air Max 90 is one of the sneaker’s most subtle iterations, which is notable as the Nike Air Max 90 is beloved for its bold and out-there designs. Proceeds from the sale of the shoe were initially donated to the Tower Hamlets Summer University in the UK.

Nike Air Max 90 Independence Day, 2013

It’s hard a little hard to remember a time when there was no Yeezy brand, but long before Ye made his mark on the world of sneakers he was known for rocking this loud pair of all red 90s. In the early 2010s, the shoe became instantly synonymous with the rapper upon its release which made the colorway reach astronomically high prices on the aftermarket.

Even today, it’s a little hard to look at an all-red pair of sneakers and NOT think about Kanye West, which speaks to just how much of an impact this design had on sneaker culture in the 2010s.

Nike x Atmos Air Max 90 Duck Camo, 2013

The Duck Camo Air Max 90 has reentered the sneaker zeitgeist this year by way of a new release from Nike that sees the special camo patterning in a variety of different colorways, but the duck camo story begins here with the original 2013 colorway. Released alongside the Tiger Camo — which didn’t make this list — the Duck Camo colorway came about when Nike teamed up with Japanese retailer Atmos, who swapped out the Air Max 90s typical mostly leather upper for one composed of rugged canvas.

Nike and Atmos regularly collaborate to this day but they’ve rarely hit on a design that surpasses this one.

Nike Air Max 90 Cork, 2015

Certainly the most unusual colorway on this list, we were really torn on whether or not to include the Air Max 90 Cork. Well, here it is! For the sneaker’s 15th anniversary Nike decided to swap out the all-leather upper for an all-cork design. It’s un-conventional sure, but the cork makeup managed to make the sneaker one of the lightest pairs of Air Max 90s ever, though we doubt the pair was very breathable and probably didn’t live up to the performance-based functionality it was designed to provide.

A weird but interesting addition to the 30 years of this sneaker’s history.

Nike x Off-White Air Max 90, 2017

Part of Virgil Abloh’s “The Ten” collection, this collaboration with Off-White sees Abloh stripping away the bulky layers of the Air Max 90 for a deconstructed version that set off a trend in sneaker design that is only beginning to die out three years later. Before deconstructed designs became exhausting, Abloh’s iteration of the Air Max 90 was a breath of fresh air for a silhouette that had grown stale, failing to produce many notable pairs in the middle part of the last decade. That all changed with the release of “The Ten” as the Air Max 90 would come to be regarded as one of the best designs from Abloh’s early collaboration with Nike.

Featuring a fittingly off-white upper atop an icy blue midsole, this early design from Abloh still looks fly three years and one tired trend later.

Nike Air Max 90 Mars Landing, 2019

It was hard to choose between 2019’s Mars Landing and 2014’s Moon Landing Nike Air Max 90 but we only had room for one space-themed sneaker on the list (Silver Surfer aside) and we’re giving it to the Mars. Will it be something we end up regretting? Maybe, but with its Mars stone and Magma Orange colorway atop a black and grey speckled midsole, the Mars Landing just feels a little more exciting to us than its grey-toned crater-marked older brother.

Nike Air Max 90 Orange Duck Camo, 2020

The best Nike Air Max 90 to release this year is the Orange Duck Camo. While the Supernova came close — we said only one space-themed sneaker remember? — the Orange Duck Camo takes an iconic Air Max 90 colorway and actually manages to improve upon the original design. That might be a controversial statement to Air Max-stans but the Orange Duck Camo breathes new life into the silhouette by taking two steps away from the Infrared design, which the Duck Camo owes a considerable debt to.

With a mix of mesh and leather with duck camo pattern paneling, this orange iteration managed to beat out a reverse-colored version of the original, and a Green and Volt version that released alongside it.

In recent years, EA Sports has made doling out its highest individual rating in its Madden series quite the occasion. Members are inducted into the “99 Club” on an annual basis, and this year, EA Sports decided to make the additions to that exclusive group of virtual players into a weeklong affair.

Each day this week, Madden has announced a new member into the 99 Club, with five players in total earning this distinction this season. Things kicked off on Monday, when to the surprise of no one, last year’s cover athlete and reigning Super Bowl MVP Patrick Mahomes got the nod.

The next three days went all over the field. Carolina Panthers running back Christian McCaffrey entered the club on Tuesday, followed by a pair of defensive players on Wednesday and Thursday: Los Angeles Rams defensive lineman and 99 Club stalwart Aaron Donald, and reigning NFL Defensive Player of the Year Stephon Gilmore of the New England Patriots.

To wrap things up, Madden went back to the other side of the ball on Friday, revealing that the final 99 Club member and the game’s top wide receiver will be Michael Thomas of the New Orleans Saints.

This year’s Madden game, which features Baltimore Ravens signal caller Lamar Jackson on the cover, hits current generation consoles on August 25. While the specific dates are unclear, Madden NFL 21 will also be available for next generation consoles sometime later this year.

Just a day removed from his 30th birthday and a week away from the resumption of the NBA’s season in its Orlando “bubble,” Portland Trail Blazers star Damian Lillard — aka Dame D.O.L.L.A. — shared a new song with fans called “Home Team.” The NBA star/rapper celebrates family, friends, and loyalty on his latest single, which he calls his “pledge to remain true to his belief in ‘day ones over day millions.’”

He’s joined on the track by Dreebo, an LA rapper who offers a bleary-eyed hook and helps anchor the woozy Nonstop Da Hitman and Veyis-produced beat. On the verses, Dame goes in as usual, firing off multisyllabic, cage-like raps about the grind and making sure to share the spoils of victory with those closest to him.

“Home Team” follows “Blacklist” as the second track Dame released during the NBA’s long hiatus, with the latter responding to ongoing civil unrest in the wake of police killings of Black Americans George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. During the hiatus he also updated the format of his 4BarFriday series, turning it into a weekly live cipher. Before the NBA season was suspended, the league embraced his ongoing artistic endeavor, granting him a performance at All-Star Saturday Night. Before that, he released his third, independent album, titled Big D.O.L.L.A., as well as a deluxe edition.

Press play on Dame D.O.L.L.A.’s “Home Team” above.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — I need J.K. Simmons to yell at me, just once

The voice is the first thing. That booming, authoritative, distinctive voice. I could pick it out in a second in any crowded room or commercial voiceover. It’s so commanding, like a dad or a teacher or the mustachioed boss of a metropolitan newspaper who just wants pictures of Spider-man, goddammit, and that last one works out perfectly because, yes, I’m talking about J.K. Simmons, and yes, he did play J. Jonah Jameson to perfection in multiple Spider-man movies, to the degree that I would have watched a prequel about his rise to the top of the masthead at the Daily Bugle. J.K. Simmons is the best.

He’s great in everything he’s in, too. The man does what he does extremely well. Need a chief of police or high-ranking government official? J.K. Simmons is your man. Need a hard-charging teacher who drives his students with relentless intensity? Yeah, get him in there too, and get ready to give him an Oscar for it. Need a maniac who holds a grudge against your slacker main character and torments him for the majority of the movie before delivering a fatherly speech that puts everything in perspective? Well, guess what, he’s your guy, as we discovered — and should have already known, really — when Palm Springs dropped on Hulu last weekend. I desperately need J.K. Simmons to call me a shit bird. I feel like that will be the thing that finally makes me get my act together. Have him summon all the contempt and disappointment he can muster and have him blast it straight into my face. I’ll straighten up. I won’t have a choice.

I’m not joking about the speeches, either. No one gives a full-on monologue that explains the gears and cranks of the plot like J.K. Simmons. The one from Palm Springs is wonderful, just him calmly explaining life to Andy Samberg while chilling by the pool in his backyard. He has another great one in The Accountant, a legitimately good action movie where, yes, he plays a high-ranking Treasury agent and gets to wear a fedora sometimes. It happens something like two-thirds of the way into the movie and lasts about five minutes and contains an entire prequel’s worth of information about how he and the murderous genius accountant played by Ben Affleck got to that point. It’s fantastic. You could make a whole movie that’s just J.K. Simmons explaining the plot while other people act it out in silence. He should narrate every documentary. Most of them, at least. Can’t have him burn out those pipes.

It’s always cool to see someone do the thing they do exceptionally well. I’m sure there are times where J.K. Simmons gets tired of playing authority figures who are sick of their underlings and their lackadaisical attitudes. I’m sure there are times where he and Lance Reddick show up at an audition and lock eyes for a moment like “Well, one of us is getting this role as the mildly corrupt CEO or weary police chief, so good luck, friend.” I’m glad he got the Oscar for Whiplash and I’m glad he got the dual-role lead in Counterpart — a good show — that allowed him to play both sides of the authority coin, cocky hitman and sadsack loser. Everyone should get to spread their wings a little bit now and then. It’s good. Let J.K. Simmons soar.

But please, Mr. Simmons, if you’re reading this (I feel better calling you “mister” for some reason even though I’m in my 30s), do not ever stop playing these intimidating authority figures. Do not ever stop giving speeches to confused slackers and troubled junior agents. Do it forever, in as many projects as possible, with or without a mustache. And please, for the love of God, just one time, look at me with scorn and call me a shit bird, just to get me on track with my life. I’m a mess. I’m 30 minutes late turning in this article and I’m not even done yet.

You’re the only one who can save me.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — I knew it!

It has been my position for a number of years now that the Fast & Furious franchise will end up in outer space at some point. I took this position in part because it is an objectively funny thing to say and because it is quickly becoming the logical next step. In Fast Five, there was a car heist that took place on a speeding train. In Furious 7, a half dozen cars parachuted out of an airplane. In Fate of the Furious, Charlize Theron flew around the world in an undetectable science plane and later briefly hijacked a nuclear submarine. There are only so many modes of transportation left before one or more characters get launched into the cosmos. It’s this or a blimp, really.

Well, I am pleased to report that it is starting to look like I am correct. Or that Ludacris is a cruel, evil man. Because this happened last week and set my tiny corner of the internet ablaze.

He’s being cagey here, either dancing around something he shouldn’t have let slip or being a rascal because quarantine is boring as hell and toying with the world is probably more fun than learning to bake bread. In that sense, if he is just doing this for goofs, I have no choice but to respect his decision. It’s not like I have a leg to stand on in complaining about it anyway. I’m the same person who has, on more than one occasion, tried to convince a person that I did not know who the Beatles are. (“Paul McCartney? The guy from Wings?”) I deserve this if that is all it is. Ludacris is just delivering the karmic payback that’s been coming to me for years. It’ll hurt, but I’ll deserve it.

They’re still going to space at some point, in this movie or one in the near future. There’s no way around it. Mark my words.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Let’s all chip in and buy the house from Golden Girls

Ladies and gentlemen, we are buying the house from The Golden Girls. The why is simple: Because it is on sale for the first time ever. Then when is simple, too: As soon as we can get the purchase price of $3 million together.

For the first time in 65 years, the Los Angeles home made famous by the American sitcom “The Golden Girls” has officially hit the market, as was first reported by the Wall Street Journal. The property is currently asking a little under $3 million, a lot of money for a not-even-3,000 sq. ft. structure. But as Blanche (Rue McClanahan) might say in her signature Southern drawl, that’s just the price of being a devastatingly beautiful house.

The how is where it gets tricky. I’m good for, hmm, let’s say $5,000. So I’ll need the rest of you to pony up a total of $2,995,000. And then we’ll have to split up some sort of sharing arrangement. I get all of January and February because I live in Pennsylvania and hate winter, and yes, I realize two months is a big chunk of time for a person paying less than one percent of the total price, but it’s my idea. I’m the one inviting you into this opportunity. You should be thanking me, really. Pretty ungrateful on your part.

Anyway, while you’re rounding up the money to make this dream a reality (just imagine the faces your friends will make when they pull up to your house to visit during one of your weeks), please read this mind-bending paragraph from later in the article.

“Golden Girls” location scouts were initially drawn to the home’s flourishing flora since it gave off more of a Miami vibe than most L.A.-area properties. The Barrys agreed to have their house featured on the show for a small fee and loved having their famous home be seen on a national platform, though they were reportedly not sitcom fans and didn’t watch the show.

This is fascinating to me. I feel like the Barrys are either the coolest or most insufferable people to ever live. I really don’t see how there’s a middle ground on this one.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — I did not know how much I needed this until this very moment

Everything is very weird and stressful right now. There’s a pandemic and massive unemployment and an upcoming presidential election and my beloved Philadelphia 76ers are planning to move Ben Simmons to power forward. Lots of uncertainty. It’s understandable if it keeps you up at night sometimes. It would be nice to have a calm, relaxing program to put on in the evening, something that doesn’t involve murder or many murders, something that, to chose an example at random, features a number of celebrities with soothing voices talking you to sleep.

Well, too bad it doesn’t exist. Now to open up the old inbox and s-…

A totally new type of television experience that combines mesmeric imagery with narration by A-list stars – including Mahershala Ali, Idris Elba, Oscar Isaac, Nicole Kidman, Zoë Kravitz, Lucy Liu, Cillian Murphy, and Keanu Reeves. HBO Max’s first project in the Health and Wellness space, A World of Calm is the result of a unique collaboration between the makers of Calm, the no. 1 app for sleep, meditation and relaxation, and Nutopia, the team behind Nat Geo’s critically acclaimed series One Strange Rock.

It is ridiculous how excited I am about this show. It says a lot about the world we’re living in and my mindset that my favorite show right now is Holey Moley and the show I’m looking forward to most is basically a high-end substitute for Ambien. It’s probably fine. Let’s not talk about it!

I would like to point out two additional things before I end this section, though: One, it is borderline malpractice to not get Matthew McConaughey for this and, yeah, I’m a little mad about it, although the Keanu part helps; two, please take this opportunity to remember that Jeff Bridges made a completely mad and trippy spoken word album called Sleeping Tapes that sounds almost exactly like what you probably think it sounds like.

The world is always a little bit weirder than you think it is, no matter how weird you think it is.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Is… is Mike Tyson going to punch a shark?

Well, Shark Week is coming up. I wonder what the old Discovery publicity department has in store f-…

Legendary boxer and entrepreneur Mike Tyson is taking on a new challenge…and he picked the most unlikely training partner. Iron Mike will go head to head with one of the ocean’s top apex predators in TYSON VS. JAWS: RUMBLE ON THE REEF. With famed ring announcer Michael Buffer calling the shots, these two heavyweights will square off underwater, where Mike Tyson will try to score a TKO over the massive shark… all in the name of research.

See, sometimes public relations people think they’re slick. They think if they fill a paragraph with sentences about Mike Tyson maybe fighting a shark, you’ll forget that they tried to slip “legendary boxer and entrepreneur” past you. But you and I are too smart for that. We see everything. Congrats to Mike on the weed ranch, though.

That said, this did get me a little excited for a second. The rational part of my brains knows Mike Tyson isn’t going to punch a shark. There’s just no possible set of circumstances where that’s going to happen here, on television, in America, in 2020. I would kind of like to see it, though, just because I’m a curious man who has watched the entire video at the top of this section more than once, but yeah, no chance. Still, my heart sank a little when I got to this sentence.

And don’t worry, no sharks were harmed (or bitten) in the making of this episode.

Ah, come on. Let Mike Tyson punch a shark. Just once. We’ll pick a shark who did something bad so we don’t have to feel crappy about it. Maybe one who yells at retail employees during the holiday season.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Megan:

I just wanted to thank you for recommending Patriot a few weeks back. My husband and I binged both seasons over the last month or so as our nighttime show after we put the kids to bed. The only problem is that we’re both so upset it got canceled. What a funny, moving, weird show. I’m trying to help spread the word, I promise!

Megan.

Yes.

YES.

Tell everyone to watch Patriot.

Tell them it’s on Amazon Prime.

Tell them they’re already paying for it anyway.

Tell them to join us.

Join us on the Patriot train.

Hey.

Speaking of trains…

And Patriot…

God, what a perfect show.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Fort Lauderdale!

A curious 2-year-old kangaroo named Jack decided to roam the Fort Lauderdale neighborhood around his home north of downtown on Thursday, but city police had to jump in and catch him for safety’s sake.

This story is already perfect. Look at everything we have in the first sentence:

• A kangaroo on the loose
• A kangaroo on the loose in Florida
• Florida cops trying to catch a loose kangaroo

It’s beautiful. I might start crying.

Fort Lauderdale police officer Robert Norvis answered the Signal 69 call, which usually means a dog or cat got loose.

“At first we didn’t believe it,” he said. “But when we got there it, sure enough, was a kangaroo.”

I’m not going to lie to you guys. I still love this story. I do. But I am kind of furious it didn’t come with helicopter footage of these cops trying to catch the kangaroo. I would have paid money to see that. I’m not joking. I’d pay $5 for it right now. Remember the llama chase? Remember how fun that was? Now add hopping. I’ll go as high as $10. Okay, $20. I won’t go above $50. But that’s it.

If you’re wondering how a kangaroo got loose in a Fort Lauderdale neighborhood, you clearly haven’t thought this through enough. The answer, as you should have known, is “because a Florida man got it from a guy he knows and was keeping it in his house without ever filing paperwork or checking to see if it’s legal, which it is not.”

Macias said he got Jack about four months ago from a Davie man who was moving and didn’t want Jack anymore.

Jack shared a home with Macias’ Corgi named Max.

“They love each other,” he said. “They play and run around.”

Okay, fine. I’ll pay $50 for video of this, too.

Considering the frequency in which random and terrifying events seemingly happen on a daily basis, it’s pretty easy to forget that, just two years ago, the entire state of Hawaii descended into chaos after a false missile alarm made the island inhabitants fear for their lives. But there’s one celebrity who remembers it very vividly, and that’s because he was there: Jim Carrey.

While dialing into The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon from a “remote cabin in Montana,” the rubber-faced Carrey revealed that he was driving in Hawaii with his daughter when his assistant called him crying to warn him about the impending missile strike. After realizing that he’d never get off the island in time, Carrey pulled over and walked down to the ocean for what he thought was the final moments of his life:

“I just decided to go over a list of gratitudes… I could not stop thinking about wonderful things that have happened to me and blessings that I’ve had,” he said, adding that “it was lovely” and he finally “got to a point of grace with two minutes to spare” when he learned the missile was a false alarm.

“All I was planning to do was close my eyes and be thankful cause it’s been a good ride,” he revealed.

As the story goes, it took 40 minutes for the Hawaii officials to get a message out that the missile warning was a false alarm, and it turns out the whole thing was the result of an employee pressing the wrong button. 2020 might be a beast, but 2018 was pretty wild, too.

Carrey was on hand to promote his new book, Memoirs and Misinformation, which has already hit the New York Times Bestseller’s list, and is a whirlwind ride of semi-true stories from the comedian’s life thinly disguised as absurd riffs on Hollywood. More importantly, Carrey tells Fallon that he hopes it’s the kind of book that people read then “rip their nipples off and scream my name.” That’s one way to promote a project.

(Via The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon & Hollywood Reporter)

Today, Jhene Aiko finally released the deluxe version of her album Chilombo. The original version of Chilombo, released March 6 this year, broke a near three-year streak of radio silence for the Los Angeles-born singer and contained a remix of mixtape favorite “H.O.E.” featuring Miguel and replacing Gucci Mane with Future, as well as a surprise collaboration with Bay Area singer and kindred spirit Kehlani.

Now, the new version of the album contains another long-awaited surprise collaboration; one with Jhene’s older sister Mila J, who is also a singer and has released music independently alongside her for the past decade. The song is titled “On The Way” and incredibly marks the siblings’ first commercially-released record together. While Jhene’s verse makes reference to Chilombo‘s lead single “Pussy Fairy” and employs some pretty raunchy imagery in contrast to her sweet demeanor, Mila gives a confident verse that pulls from Harlem Nights‘ infamous “sunshine” metaphor and boasts of her bedroom skills.

Jhene also added another pair of high-profile collaborations to her collection recently. In April, she joined up with H.E.R. to sing an acoustic rendition of their song “B.S.” for a charity livestream, while in June, she dueted with John Legend on his Bigger Love album cut, “U Move, I Move.”

Listen to Jhene Aiko and Mila J’s first collaboration above.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Admit it: This would absolutely be the most apt season for the Kings to finally break their streak of 14 seasons without a playoff berth. Sacramento is a truly competitive team, with intriguing depth and scoring up and down the roster. They, just like the New Orleans Pelicans, truly earned their chance to compete for a playoff spot in Orlando, even if you argue that the field is too big. At 28-36, the Kings deserve a chance to see their season out ahead of what will be an important offseason.

They enter the Disney World bubble as a shell of themselves, with multiple players having tested positive for COVID-19, others dealing with injuries, and another who already broke the public health rules at the player campus. It’s been a very Kings start to the most important eight games the franchise has played in a while. That said, there is a chance in front of them to charge into the playoffs and be competitive once they get there.

ROSTER

Marvin Bagley III
Harrison Barnes (awaiting arrival after positive COVID-19 test)
Kent Bazemore
Nemanja Bjelica
Bogdan Bogdanovic
Corey Brewer
Yogi Ferrell
De’Aaron Fox
Harry Giles III
Kyle Guy
Buddy Hield
Richaun Holmes
Justin James
DaQuan Jeffries
Cory Joseph
Alex Len
Jabari Parker

SCHEDULE

Friday, July 31 — 8 p.m. ET — vs. San Antonio Spurs
Sunday, Aug. 2 — 6 p.m. ET — vs. Orlando Magic
Tuesday, Aug. 4 — 2:30 p.m. ET — vs. Dallas Mavericks
Thursday, Aug. 6 — 1:30 p.m. ET — vs. New Orleans Pelicans
Friday, Aug. 7 — 2 p.m. ET — vs. Brooklyn Nets
Sunday, Aug. 9 — 8 p.m. ET — vs. Houston Rockets
Tuesday, Aug. 11 — 9 p.m. ET — vs. New Orleans Pelicans
Thursday, Aug. 13 — time TBD — vs. Los Angeles Lakers

STANDINGS

1. Los Angeles Lakers: 49-14
2. Los Angeles Clippers: 44-20 (5.5 GB)
3. Denver Nuggets: 43-22 (7)
4. Utah Jazz: 41-23 (8.5)
5. Oklahoma City Thunder: 40-24 (9.5)
6. Houston Rockets: 40-24 (9.5)
7. Dallas Mavericks: 40-27 (11)
8. Memphis Grizzlies: 32-33 (18)
9. Portland Trail Blazers: 29-37 (21.5)
10. New Orleans Pelicans: 28-36 (21.5)
10. Sacramento Kings: 28-36 (21.5)
11. San Antonio Spurs: 27-36 (22)
12. Phoenix Suns: 26-39 (24)

WHAT DOES SUCCESS LOOK LIKE?

Getting into the playoffs. Sacramento was a darling pick in the preseason to make the playoffs after nearly doing so in 2019, and though a slow start put them back, the Kings are now right where they left off last season. The franchise hasn’t made the playoffs in 14 years but has legitimate momentum and a promising young core that fits together pretty well. They have the firepower to take two play-in games from Memphis if they can force a playoff for the eighth seed, and the depth to make up for injuries or positive virus tests during the restart. Earning a bout with LeBron James and the Lakers and getting their youngsters a spotlight on the playoff stage would be a big step forward for the Kings.

X-FACTOR

Most of the time, this will also be the best player on the team, and in this case that’s De’Aaron Fox. Though the point guard is dealing with an ankle sprain and is out at least a week, that would ideally put him on track to return for (re)opening night. Per Kings Herald, before Fox came back from a separate grade 3 ankle sprain on Dec. 17, the Kings ranked 30th in the league in pace at 97.47. From Fox’s return to the NBA’s pause on March 11, the Kings ranked 15th in the NBA in pace at 100.18. The team’s personnel is best when Sacramento plays in transition, and Fox is the battery that powers that attack. Head coach Luke Walton has recently discussed playing faster in Orlando as well, which would bode well for Fox and the team overall. They were 7-3 in the games leading up to the break, all with Fox healthy and all with an increased tempo.

BIGGEST ON-COURT QUESTION

How does the center rotation shape up? We know Hield, Bogdanovic and Bjelica will be aggressive from deep and that when Fox can jump-start a possession, the Kings can score. But Walton was not able to establish a pecking order at the 5 after a trade-deadline deal added Len to a roster that already included the much-improved Holmes as well as Bagley, the 2018 No. 2 overall pick.

All three have the potential to fit how the Kings want to play, with Len not quite as athletic or quick but able to pop out for threes and a much more consistent defender than the other two younger players. Holmes posted career highs across the board, including in several advanced defensive statistical categories after long being jumpy and unreliable as a defensive anchor. Yet Bagley is clearly the focus here, and he allegedly gained 10 lbs. of muscle during the shutdown, making him a more ideal center rather than a 4, where he played at Duke and in many of his Kings minutes so far. There is likely space for all three to get minutes here and there, but as much as this is about a push for the playoffs, it would be hard to box Bagley out of an opportunity to finish out his second season. The Kings’ strength may be on the perimeter, but they will need to defend, rebound and finish inside to round out a team capable of jumping into the playoffs. To do that, they will need to focus during minicamp and scrimmage games on who of these three bigs fits best on the faster, more aggressive team they’re striving to be in Orlando.