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A heartfelt plea to put down the phone and remember what makes moviegoing so special

When streaming entered the picture, movie theaters began making their slow death march into obscurity. Then, when COVID hit and being entertained from the comfort of your own couch became more mainstream than ever, it seemed as though the lights of the marquee might dim for good, casting moviegoing into a bygone era.

But now, in an epic plot twist, seats are being filled once again. Perhaps the box office hasn’t fully bounced back, but there is a marked surge in interest. With a huge uptick in tickets being purchased not just for franchise blockbusters but original stories in a variety of genres, cinema very well may be approaching its second Golden Age. Director Francis Ford Coppola seems to think so, and he knows his stuff, I reckon.


It’s clear that many of us are longing for the opportunity to be part of an audience again. After all, coming together as a community to witness storytelling is an ancient, integral part of the human experience. There are just too many alchemical moments that happen in an auditorium—a collective gasp, uproarious laughter that permeates throughout the crowd, shared sobs, a long, luxurious standing ovation—that remind us we’re not alone in the way we feel, and they simply can’t be replicated at home.

Plus, as with the Barbenheimer phenomenon—the countless memes, themed outfits, and double feature screenings—we are reminded that the moviegoing experience can become so much bigger than the actual movie itself. And that’s all part of the fun.

@mollyshen Which is the correct way to do barbenheimer? 😂 #barbie #oppenheimer #movie #movietheater #barbenheimer #barbiegirl #relatable ♬ Barbie World (with Aqua) [From Barbie The Album] – Nicki Minaj & Ice Spice & Aqua

After many opportunities to celebrate, explore and simply bask in our own humanity with others (in the flesh, in real time) have been stripped away for so long, we long for a space that provides those things. Moviegoing provides that. It’s like Nicole Kidman says, “We come to this place for magic…because we need that, all of us.”

However, if we really want to achieve “that indescribable feeling when the lights begin to dim,” we might need to set aside some of our modern-day habits.

We now live in a world where every moment of our lives can be recorded on our phones. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this—the fact that it’s easier than ever to capture sweet memories and share things online is lovely in many ways. But, just because we can record anywhere and everywhere doesn’t mean we should.

via GIPHY

For one thing, it doesn’t necessarily benefit the person doing it. Odds are you’re going to a movie in part to escape from reality for a bit, right? Even if you are simply snapping a selfie or creating a quick Instagram story, the device that constantly barrages you with the various updates, messages, news, notifications yadda yadda yadda…that you are trying to escape from is sitting right there in your hand. So mentally, are you ever really freed from its grasp?

Not to mention there are multiple studies that suggest relying on phones to collect our memories really does make us miss the moment entirely, especially the important ones. So why not allow yourself to leave the phone behind for your own sense of peace? It’s not like you’re going totally screen-less…there’s a giant one right in front of you.

Second: it’s a real bummer for those in the theater sharing the moment with you. And sharing is part of experience, remember?

It can be easy, especially in a time where it’s more than acceptable to treat ourselves as “the main character” of our story and the entire world as our living room, to forget that other people, well, exist, and that anywhere outside the home is a shared space. But if part of what makes going to the movies so enjoyable is, in fact, the shared interaction (and rest assured, it’s a big part) then it stands to reason that in those 90+ minutes, the adage of “treat others as you’d like to be treated” is all the more paramount to actually getting what you came for in the first place. Just think—for many, stealing away to the movie theater might have been the one fleeting moment in a week of stresses and responsibilities to sit back and simply engage in a story, away from the static of the modern world. The opportunity for you to do the same and escape with them is right there. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Perhaps you already practice good public phone etiquette (sincerely, thank you for your service). But many theater attendees do not practice this. It has become rather normal theater behavior to scroll, take selfies, film certain scenes with the flash on…so much so that there have already been multiple think pieces noting how “distracting,” “selfish” and “disrespectful” a trend it is. But rather than focusing on how much of a nuisance it is, perhaps we need to be reminded of what purpose moviegoing serves. Is it really just another social media op? Or is it this wonderful, transient, visceral event that actually makes you feel more connected? I know which one I would rather have.

amelie

Bottom line: Watching a movie at the theater is different from watching a movie at home. And it should be. We do go to the theater for magic, but it’s up to us to make room for magic too.

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Woman gives fascinating history of how the Southern accent is left over from British ancestors

Even if you’ve never set foot in the American South, chances are you’ve heard a Southern accent…or at least Hollywood’s attempt at a Southern accent. Thanks to actors like Matthew McConaughey, Reese Witherspoon, Andie McDowell and Morgan Freeman, authentic Southern accents can be heard on the big screen without the cringey forced nature of people pretending to be Southerners.

But misconceptions around Southern accents and perceived unintelligence continues to run rampant, in large part due to the portrayal of Southerners in movies and television shows. While the stereotypes have been reigned in over the years, many folks grew up watching the “Beverly Hillbillies” or “Hillbilly Moments” from the “Amanda Bynes Show.”

So, it’s no wonder when a woman was giving a rundown of living in the small town of Purvis, Mississippi, someone mocked her accent and told her to “speak English.” Instead of getting upset, Mississippi Memaw gave the commenter a fascinating history of southern accents while showing some of the best parts of Mississippi.


“Most people don’t realize that the American Southern accent is not a sign of ignorance, but actually the fact that, according to linguists, we’re the only people left in the United States who generally still sound like our ancestors,” she says.

Accents are regionally unique, including Southern ones, contrary to popular belief. A Southern accent from North Carolina will sound different than one in Georgia. Mississippi has several different accents, as does Louisiana and Texas, which the TikTok creator touches on in her video by slipping between different Southern dialects and tying it all back to the British.

It’s certainly interesting to hear and gives you a few things to look up while appreciating the photos of creeks, crawfish boils and rock formations from around the state of Mississippi.

Check it out below:

@mississippimemaw

Replying to @Don Veto Made this just for you. Enjoy the audio AND all of the photos from the Sipp! #mississippicheck #southernaccent #imsickofyall😂 #fyp #mississippimemaw #southerndialect

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Katy Perry Has Been ‘Writing A Lot’ Of ‘Light And Bright’ New Music, As Her Residency Is Wrapping Up

Katy Perry, over the past few years, has treated fans to her Las Vegas residency — where she performed her career-spanning hits. Now, in a new interview with Good Morning America, the pop star and American Idol judge revealed that she has some new “light and bright” music in the works.

“I haven’t put any new material out since my darling Daisy,” Perry revealed during the interview. “I think that I’m writing a lot and have written a lot from a place of love because I’m feeling so much of it — so much unconditional love, that love you never knew existed.”

“I’m always writing, I have been, but I think what’s really important to me is to be celebrating the world that I’ve got to build with all of these wonderful songs and to be responsible for a life” she added. “I will be back, but let me get this right.”

Perry’s last album, Smile, dropped during the summer of 2020. The following year, she kicked off her Resorts World performances in December 2021, but they are coming to an end this November.

“I love straddling the line about being able to entertain the adult watcher and also bring joy and playfulness to the young watcher,” she shared about her residency. “I’ll never forget that energy. I’ll never forget the joy. I’ll never forget the happiness.”

Despite it closing up shop, Perry’s fans still have something sweet to look forward to.

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‘Nobody wants to hear your video’: Fed-up pilot berates rude passengers with brutal honesty

A recent poll from the American Bar Association found that 85% of respondents believe that civility is worse than it was a decade ago, while only 8% said it’s improved.

Why do people believe that civility is on the decline? Twenty-nine percent blame social media, 24% said the media and 19% said it’s because of public officials.

A pilot on American Airlines has had it with “rude” and “selfish” passengers on his plane, so he gave an earful to anyone who would listen, and it was captured for posterity by comedian Anna Leah Maltezos. The video must have been cathartic for a lot of people because it has over 4.4 million views on Instagram.


“Stow your stuff. Get it out of everybody else’s way. Put your junk where it belongs,” the pilot said sternly before taking dead aim at those with poor smartphone etiquette.

“The social experiment on listening to videos on speaker mode and talking on a cellphone on speaker mode? That is over. Over and done in this country. Nobody wants to hear your video,” he said. “I know you think it’s super sweet, it probably is, but it’s your business, right? So keep it to yourself,” he added.

“Thank you for coming to his TED talk,” Maltezos joked in the post.

The video received a lot of comments from those who think it’s about time someone spoke out about the entitled folks flying the not-so-friendly skies. A commenter named agabean had the perfect response to those who didn’t appreciate the pilot’s monologue: “The people complaining about his speech are the people that need to hear it.”

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Beloved gamer icon has perfect analogy explaining why people stay in abusive relationships

Chloe Dykstra has spoken out about the painful reality of being in an abusive relationship.

In a post on Medium in June 2018, beloved gamer, actress, model, and cosplayer Dykstra wrote about the harrowing experience of being in a long-term abusive relationship.


“One day, I met someone at a convention and ended up falling for a man almost 20 years my senior,” Dykstra wrote. “It wasn’t the first time I’d found myself in a relationship with an older man; I’ve always joked about my daddy issues, and thought that with age came stability and wisdom. Welp.”

From there, Dykstra details the horrors of that relationship. Within the first two weeks, she was isolated from her friends, given a curfew, and told not to speak in public.

Quickly, the relationship turned into one of fear — “I was terrified to piss him off — so I did what he said,” she wrote — and then became assaultive. Dykstra revealed she developed an eating disorder. Then, when she suffered an ectopic pregnancy and either had to have surgery or risk death, she said her fear of having to tell her partner she was pregnant was stronger than her fear of death.

domestic abuse, celebrity, allegations, shocking

Dykstra is shining an important light on why people stay in abusive relationships.

When people learn of an abusive relationship, the common question that surfaces is “If it was so bad, why didn’t you just leave?” The answer to this question is complex in general and often has nothing to do with a person’s strength. Often, it doesn’t even seem like there’s a choice.

Dykstra’s answer to this question paints a painful picture of why escaping an abusive relationship can feel impossible:

“I believed that, to borrow an analogy from a friend, if I kept digging I would find water. And sometimes I did. Just enough to sustain me. And when you’re dying of thirst, that water is the best water you’ll ever drink. When you’re alienated from your friends, there’s no one to tell you that there’s a drinking fountain 20 feet away. And when your self-worth reaches such depths after years of being treated like you’re worthless, you might find you think you deserve that sort of treatment, and no one else will love you.”

Her story has clearly resonated with people far and wide.

Dykstra’s main goals were to create closure and warn others about how surprisingly common abuse can be. According to The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, more than 10 million people are abused by an intimate partner annually. On an average day, approximately 20,000 calls are placed to domestic violence hotlines.

The stigma of being trapped in an abusive relationship is slowly disappearing. The overwhelming support Dykstra has been shown is a sign that progress is moving in the right direction — but there’s so much work yet to to be done.

You can reach the NCADV in the link below:

domestic violence, NCADV, public coalition, survivors, victims

NCADV is the voice of victims and survivors. We are the catalyst for changing society to have zero tolerance for domestic violence. We do this by affecting public policy, increasing understanding of the impact of domestic violence, and providing programs and education that drive that change.

This article originally appeared on 06.15.18

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Mom’s has epic response to a ‘polite’ phrase parents hear all the time

Parents — especially those with multiple kids — know the phrase: “Oof, you must have your hands full!”

It’s a common refrain from strangers who see us out and about.

Sometimes it even comes along with an “I feel sorry for you,” if you’re really lucky.


While it’s a mostly harmless comment meant to show admiration, it struck a nerve with one mom when a stranger in Walmart dished it out to her while she shopped with her three kids.

Courtney Lester took to Facebook to share how she wishes she had responded to the man who told her he felt “sorry” for her.

After all, dealing with those raucous kids (who were riding quietly in the cart) must be such a burden!

For starters, Lester wrote, never comment on the size of someone’s family — more than likely, you don’t know the whole story.

“What you can’t tell is that I lost 2 babies before being blessed with my last 2,” she wrote. “So if you want to feel sorry for me, there’s the only reason why you should.”

With as many as 20% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage, it’s best to never assume.

But the even bigger takeaway from Lester: Raising kids is hard, but that doesn’t mean it’s a burden.

In fact, quite the opposite. Doctors initially told Lester she likely wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again after having her first child, so she knows a thing or two about being appreciative of all the little moments, the ups and downs, the long days, and the laughs and the tears along the way.

“Some days, I can’t wait for bedtime. My children keep me on my toes and one of them always needs something, but I have never viewed them as an inconvenience or a reason for someone to ‘feel sorry’ for me. Even on days when they won’t listen, have meltdowns, and when it seems like nothing I do is good enough, I have never felt sorry for myself and I don’t expect others to either. If having 3 kids automatically makes my hands full, so be it… But please, never feel sorry for me because my heart is more full than my hands could ever be.

Judging by the overwhelming response to her post, which has gone viral with over 22,000 Likes on Facebook, she’s not the only parent around who wouldn’t trade her little rascals for anything.

Even a judgment-free stroll through Walmart.

This article originally appeared on 07.28.17

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Bar creates cheeky sign explaining the real reason why a female bartender is ‘being nice’

A handy guide to answering the age-old question “Is the bartender flirting with me?” went viral on social media this week, and we’re here for it.

Titled “Why the Female Cashier Is Being Nice to You” and offering two possible answers (either “She is uncontrollably sexually attracted to you” or “Because that’s literally her fucking job you cretin”), the entire pie chart was filled in to mark the latter answer at 100%.


Exeter’s Beer Cellar shared the photo alongside a message asking men to please stop trying to kiss their female bartenders’ hands.

Also, “don’t try to kiss strangers’ hands” is just good advice in general. (For what it’s worth, calling people “cretins” should probably be avoided, too).

The sign is incredibly relatable for anyone who’s ever worked in the service industry — as demonstrated by the replies it got.

From the befuddled to the irritated to the thankful, the replies addressed the reality that people who work in food service face, especially women.

“[As a woman,] you’re obviously pressured to give A+ customer service, and loads of people would interpret common hospitality as romantic interest,” Charlotte Mullin, the sign’s designer, told Mashable. “I wanted to make it clear that female staff are nice to you because they have to be! And, of course, most of us are decent human beings and would be nice to you anyway, but in no way does this mean we’re dying for your dick.”

That pressure to give “A+ customer service” is partially because bartenders and wait staff rely on earning tips from customers. This kind of harassment is just one more reason to get rid of tipping altogether.

In an industry where workers rely on tips, employees often find themselves in situations where they don’t feel comfortable rebuffing someone’s advances for fear of lost pay, lower tips, and possibly even employer retribution. It’s a sticky situation and one of the major arguments in favor of moving away from that system.

@BeerCellarExe “what does not paying people a livable fucking wage and making them work for tips look like?” – for $800— Ara T. Howard (@Ara T. Howard)1495764814.0

Beer Cellar made sure people knew that yes, their employees get paid a living wage.

Really, that should be a standard worldwide. But until that’s the case, remember to tip, and not touch, your bartenders.

Easy enough to remember, right?

This article originally appeared on 05.26.17

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Mom shares tear-jerking story that taught her to say ‘no’ to her kids a little less often

For a lot of parents, the word ‘no’ is almost a gut reaction.

“Can we get ice cream?” “No.”

“Can I stay up a little later? “No.”

“Can we put on the ‘Moana’ soundtrack for the 40th time today?” “NO!”

It makes total sense. Kids and teenagers are constantly pushing boundaries, testing limits, and asking for things (some reasonable and some not).

Usually, as a parent, you have to shut it down.


One mom recently shared a powerful story about why — though it comes easy to us — we shouldn’t always say no without thinking things through.

Rachel Ann Carpenter posted on Facebook sharing the story of her then-9-year-old daughter Nevaeh … who wanted to dye her hair pink.

“I initially said no because I know how judgmental people can be when it comes to children with colored hair,” Carpenter writes in a Facebook message. “I also figured since she was only 9 she had her whole life to change her hair if she wanted!”

So she said it. ‘No.’

But then, Nevaeh had a terrible accident.

“A few days later at a camp they were doing a demonstration involving fire and something went wrong and it caught her on fire. She had horrible burns over 70% of her body. This time last year we were in the hospital with her not knowing if she was going to live or not.”

Life is way to short to say NO all of the time. This time last year she asked me if she could have pink hair and I said…
Posted by Rachel Ann Carpenter on Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Nevaeh was lucky to survive the fire. And a year later, she asked again if she could dye her hair.

This time, her mom gave an emphatic “Yes!”

“Just because someone is young does not mean they are promised time,” Carpenter says. “I was so glad she was still here to ask me. It is just hair, hair color will fade. Something so easy as colored hair made her extremely happy.”

The story highlights a tough question for parents: Are you drawing real, important boundaries with your kids? Or just saying “no” out of fear or habit?

It’s our job to protect our children from danger or grave mistakes that may severely impact their life, but we can’t protect them against every scraped knee from running too fast on the playground — nor should we.

Most experts agree that taking risks, exploring, experimenting with identity, and making mistakes are all important parts of growing up. Psychologist Randy Cale tells “Psychologies” parents should aim to only step in when safety is a serious concern or when the consequences of a behavior won’t be immediately apparent to them (like eating ice cream for dinner every single night).

And beyond all the child psychology, sometimes it’s just more fun to say “yes.”

“It is so important to let your children live a little,” Carpenter says. “As adults it’s easy to forget what it’s like to be a child and how easy it is to make them happy.”

This article originally appeared on 08.03.17

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What it’s like for a man to share his feelings every day for a week.

We all know that phrases like “How’s it going?” and “How are you?” are mostly pleasantries.

It’s just how we say “Hello.” You’re not expected to answer any more than the person asking is expected to care.

But every once in a while, someone will surprise you. You’ll toss out a casual and totally insincere “How are you?” and the floodgates will open out of nowhere. “I’ve had the WORST DAY,” they’ll say.


I’ve always secretly envied people who can open up on a whim like that. It seems weirdly fun. And there might be a lot of psychological benefits to it.

So I tried it. For a week, I decided that when strangers asked how I was doing, I’d actually tell them.

But before I could start, a pretty important question occurred to me: Would I even know what to say? After all, I am a dude, and everyone knows dudes aren’t always super in touch with how we’re feeling.

Ronald Levant, a professor of counseling psychology at Akron University, told me a story about a man he once treated early in his career that sums up this whole thing pretty nicely:

“[He] came in complaining about how his son had stood him up for a father son hockey game. Being relatively naive back then, I said, ‘So, how did you feel about that?’ His answer was ‘Well, he shouldn’t have done it!’ I said again, ‘Yeah, he shouldn’t have done it, but how did you feel?’

“He just looked at me blankly.”

Levant recalled similar sessions where women, by contrast, were able to walk him — in detail — through their emotional reaction to a situation: how anger turned to disappointment turned to worry, and so on.

“Among the men I was treating or working with there was a singular inability for many of them to put their emotions into words,” Levant said.

As part of my project, I wanted to test Levant’s theory, to see what it would be like to, you know, actually try to express my feelings. As the king of non-answers, deflection, and “I’m fine, how are you?” I wanted to know what it would be like to talk about me.

It turned out to be much less simple than I thought.

grocery, enthusiastic conversation, strangers

Day One

I was on my way to my daughter’s daycare to drop off more diapers, and I was trying to think about how I felt at that specific moment. It was a beautiful sunny day. There was a guy on the sidewalk walking three huge, puffy dogs. It made me laugh.The day had been a bit of a rollercoaster. My 1-year-old daughter woke up all smiles. But by the end of breakfast, she had collapsed into an inconsolable heap of tears, and that was how she left the house that day: wailing in the backseat of my wife’s car. When I arrived at daycare, though, she ran to me and leapt into my arms. She laid her head on my chest and giggled as she stared into my eyes. It was a total turnaround and a wonderful midday boost to my mood.

On my way home, I stopped off at a grocery store to grab an energy drink and, potentially, to share this happy moment with a stranger.

I chose the line manned by a fast-talking, bubbly woman. And when I got to the front, she teed me up perfectly with a sincere: “How are you?”

“Hey, I’m good!” I said enthusiastically. In the next instant, though, she was onto other things. “Ma’am?” she yelled to a wandering woman behind me. “I can ring you up over here.”

Her attention swung back to me, but almost immediately, she was telling me my total. “That’ll be $2.03.”

The transaction moved at hyper-speed. The moment was gone. As I shuffled for my wallet, I considered just blurting it out anyway, “I just visited my daughter at daycare and she was so happy to see me and it was the freaking best!”

But a voice popped up in my head, and I couldn’t shake it: She’s not going to care. Why would she care?

So I said nothing, paid, and went home.

To understand why men and women often handle feelings differently, we have to look at society first.

I can’t help but think my wife would have had no trouble talking to the woman in the store. Why is it harder for me then? Are we wired differently? Is it a brain thing? A hormone thing?

Apparently, in the 1980s and ’90s, researchers had something of a breakthrough on this question. They became “stimulated by this idea that gender was something that was socially determined,” Levant explained. He noted that boys were being socialized differently than girls were, and it was making a big difference for them down the road.

In a TEDx Talk called “Unmasking Masculinity” Ryan McKelley, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin La Crosse, echoed similar findings from his research.

First, he learned that infant and young boys surprisingly displayed more intensity and range of emotion than their female counterparts. “But that story starts to change over time,” he said.

Second, he looked at a series of studies polling men and women in America, which asked people to generate a list of emotions that are “culturally acceptable” for each sex. While the study found that women felt “allowed” to display nearly the entire emotional spectrum, men seemed to be limited to three primary feelings: anger, contempt, and pride.

But despite all these cultural “requirements” about emotion, it turns out that our brains aren’t processing things all that differently. McKelley says if you hook men and women up to equipment that measures things like heart rate, skin conductance, sweat, and breath rate, and then expose them to stimuli that can provoke strong emotions, “these gender differences disappear.”

“I do not deny there are biological differences,” McKelly told me in an interview. “However, the degree to which it influences all that other stuff, I believe, is overblown.”

My learning after talking to these researchers? Men DO feel feelings (yay!) but society isn’t doing us any favors when it comes to helping us learn how to express them.

Day Two

I was sitting in the sweltering parking lot outside a Home Depot when I decided I was going to do better than the day before.

I walked inside and stood in line at the customer service counter for what felt like an eternity. Finally, one of the tellers called me up. She had a shock of white curly hair and kind eyes. A grandmotherly type. “How can I help you?” she asked. Not the exact question I wanted, but we’ll see where it goes. “I have some returns,” I said.

I decided I was going to do better today.

We launched right into the specifics of what I was returning and why, and it was looking like I was about to strike out again. The transaction took a while so there was ample space to fill. Since she hadn’t asked me about my day, I took the initiative while she tapped impatient fingers along her computer waiting for it to load.

“How’s your day going so far?” I asked. She went on to tell me about how a big storm that rolled through nearly knocked out the store’s power and how the computers had been acting up ever since. “My day was going great until this!” she said playfully.

In my eagerness to share, I’d accidentally stumbled into a pretty pleasant conversation with a stranger. OK, so it was about computers and the weather, but it sure beats an awkward silence. She never did ask me how I was doing, and that’s OK.

But it did make me realize that talking about your own feelings is pretty damn hard, even when you’re going out of your way to try.

rainy day, gray, feeling depressed, shame

Day Three

Day three was tough. Outside it was gray and dreary and inside I felt about the same. Flat. Gray.

I was having trouble identifying the root of why I felt so, for lack of a better word, “blah,” so I Googled “how to find out what you’re feeling,” like I was some sort of robot trying to understand the human experience. “Pay attention to your physiology,” one article said. I felt totally normal and my heart rate was an unremarkable 80. What does that mean?

“Don’t think about it too much,” another article said. Well, shit.

As I read on about meditation and mindfulness and things of that sort, I started to get a little nervous. “What if I get too in touch with my emotions?” There’s something comforting about being a reasonably even-keeled guy without a lot of emotional highs and lows. I don’t want to go digging in the darkest recesses of my subconscious and unlock some terrible shit.

Apparently a lot of men feel like this.

McKelley described one man he treated who had severe anger issues and wasn’t exactly open to talking about his problems: “I asked him, ‘What do you find so subversive about crying?’ He said, ‘If I start, I’m afraid I’m going to curl up in a fetal position and never be able to stop.’”

I thought a little too much about this and decided I had to get out of the house.

I don’t want to go digging in the darkest recesses of my subconscious and unlock some terrible shit.

I headed out to grab a coffee at a local establishment (OK, it was a McDonald’s, but I really don’t need your judgment right now). There was a young, freckle-faced girl working the counter. She was probably 19. When it was my turn, she gave me a shy “Hello.”

“How are you?” I started. “Good. How are you?” she responded, on cue.

Since I hadn’t had any major emotional breakthroughs at that point, I just … told her the truth. “I just had to get out of the house a little bit. It’s so gray and crappy today and I just needed a break. You know?”

She gave me possibly the blankest stare I had ever seen in my life. I quickly filled the silence with my order — a large iced coffee. To go.

The more I learn, the more I realize there is so much more to this whole emotions thing than just “opening up.”

By the third day, I’d learned that men definitely feel things. Lots of things. But it’s what happens before those feelings bubble to the surface that accounts for the myth that dudes don’t have any emotions at all.

Think of it this way: Almost every single day, you take the same route driving home from work. And while driving is usually a conscious process that takes a lot of focus and effort, you could probably make that super-familiar drive home from work with barely any involvement from your brain at all. We sometimes call this “going on autopilot.” It’s the same way with breathing or blinking. Sure, you can control them if you want, but more often than not, they’re totally automatic.

And I’ve learned that it can be the same thing with suppressing emotions. For years and years, most men have been trained not to give any indication that we might be scared or lonely or nervous, and we push it down. If we do that enough, it can start to seem like we don’t feel those feelings at all.

It’s what happens before those feelings bubble to the surface that accounts for the myth that dudes don’t have any emotions at all.

McKelley expands on this idea in his TEDx Talk when he talks about the “male emotional funnel system.” Basically, he says all those emotions men might feel that make them vulnerable or that make them subject to judgment, or even being outcast, by their peers are transformed into anger, aggression, or silence. It’s how we avoid ridicule.

It’s how we survive.

But over time, not only do we lose the ability to understand our own true emotions — the emotions behind the anger or silence — but we get worse at figuring out and empathizing with what others are feeling too.

When it comes to emotional fluency, McKelley said, “it’s like speaking a foreign language. If you don’t use it, you lose it. It’s something you have to practice.”

Day Four

When I went to bed the previous night, the country was heartbroken over the death of Alton Sterling. When I woke up, we were heartbroken over the death of Philando Castile. Two black men dead at the hands of police within 48 hours.

But as devastated as I was, life goes on — right? I had work to do and, later, errands. In fact, we needed more diapers.

But the shootings were the only thing on my mind all day.

When I reached the cashier at the Walgreens down the street from my house, a small pack of size-five Pampers clutched to my side, I saw she was a young black girl. She asked how I was doing. And I told her, with all honesty, that I was sad.

We talked briefly about the news. She’d been at work and hadn’t heard much about Philando Castile yet. We paused so I could enter my phone number for reward points. There were no tears or hugs or anything like that — after all, we were standing at the front of a Walgreens and people were starting to form a line behind me.

She asked how I was doing. And I told her, with all honesty, that I was sad.

When I left, I don’t know if I felt any better. But I certainly didn’t feel worse. And talking to a real live human being about an awful tragedy felt a lot more meaningful than reading Facebook comments and Tweets.

So, on an awful, terrible, no-good day, I guess that was something.

While I worked on this project, I often wondered why all of this mattered. Do I really need to tell people what I’m feeling all the time?

And then I thought about our nation, and all the tragedies that we hear about on the news every day.

I thought about the 100 million men in America who, to varying degrees, have had their ability to empathize with the emotions of others slowly eroded over time because society tells them they cannot be vulnerable. I thought about the creep on the street chatting up a woman who clearly, visibly wants nothing to do with him. I thought about the catcallers who seem to be convinced they are paying women a compliment and are oblivious to how uncomfortable, even afraid, they’re making them.

I thought of the millions of men in America being conditioned from an early age to turn fear, helplessness, loneliness, shame, and guilt into two things: anger and aggression. I thought of the 80-plus mass shootings in America since 1982 and how almost all of them were committed by men. I thought about how many of those men might have been bullied, hurt, shamed, or humiliated and, perhaps, could think of no other outlet for those feelings than the barrel of a gun.

I thought about the millions of men in America who will never harm another person, but might funnel that anger and aggression inwards through alcohol or drug abuse or worse, with three and a half times more men dying by suicide than women.

To be extremely clear: There is no excuse for hurting another person, whether through harassment, rape, abuse, or gun violence. But when we talk about providing better mental health services in our country, maybe we ought to make sure we’re thinking of the next generation of otherwise healthy boys who need guidance about what to do with their emotions.

“If we’re not allowed to talk about [shame], we’re not allowed to express it, we’re not allowed to admit we’re experiencing it. And then you surround it with exposure to violence and seeing it modeled as a way to solve problems,” McKelley told me. “But women are bathed in the same violent cultural forces, so what’s the difference?”

“Until we can figure out a better way socially to help boys and men navigate feelings of shame, we’re going to continue to have problems.”

As bad as all the research sounds, there IS some good news.

intimacy, honesty, emotional intelligence, terrifying, men

My best advice for how all of the men I know can figure out what their feelings are? Give it a shot.

Many of us are risk-takers. We go skydiving, wakeboarding, speedboating, or even shopping-cart-riding (full-speed into a thorn bush on a rowdy Saturday night, amiright?).

But we won’t tell our best friend that we love them.

“The irony is men repeatedly score higher than women on average in risk-taking behaviors. And yet we won’t take those types of risks. Those emotional risks are terrifying for a lot of men. That’s probably the one thing at the end of the day that I suggest guys do,” McKelley said.

It might not always work out, but more often than not, he says, you’ll find so many other people are feeling the same way and just waiting for someone else to say it.

“It doesn’t require courage to hide behind a mask,” McKelley said in the closing minutes of his TEDx Talk. “What requires courage is being open and vulnerable no matter what the outcome.”

And as for me? I learned that talking about how I’m feeling, especially with people I don’t know or trust, can be pretty hard.

Throughout the week, there were a lot of voices inside me telling me not to do it.

It’ll be weird! They won’t care! They’re going to judge you!

And sometimes those voices were right. But as the week went along, it got a little bit easier to ignore them. And in the days since the “experiment” ended, I’ve found myself sharing just a little, tiny, minuscule bit more on a day-to-day basis.

What was most incredible was that I started to realize that the experts were right: This IS a skill. It’s something I can learn how to do, even as a self-described “nonemotional” guy. By taking “little risks” with my feelings, I am getting better and better at bypassing those instincts in me that want me to clam up and be the strong, stoic man.

I just hope I’ll have the courage to keep practicing.

But again, this isn’t just about me. And it’s probably not just about you either. It’s about the next generation of young people who will look to us (both men and women) for reassurance that men can feel, can talk about feeling, and can respond with things other than anger, aggression, or silence.

I want to leave you with a question, one I want you to really think about and answer as honestly as you possibly can. It might seem silly, but answering it could be one of the bravest things you’ll ever do.

All right. Are you ready? Here it goes:

How are you?

This article originally appeared on 07.27.16

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Simple ways to support your trans friends when they come out.

For many gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people, one of the most personal (and sometimes scary) experiences they’ll go through is the “coming out” process.

Coming out means telling others of your status as an LGBTQ person. As society is becoming more accepting of people’s sexual orientation and gender identity, coming out is getting easier all the time. Even so, for many, it’s still a carefully calculated process that involves planning who, how, and when to tell people in their lives.


In 2016, writer and director Lilly Wachowski — known as co-creator of “The Matrix” series of films, “Jupiter Ascending,” and “Sense8” — came out publicly as transgender.

It’s so great that Lilly came to that realization about herself and started living more authentically. In 2012, her sister Lana also came out as trans. What’s not cool about this is the fact that Lilly was forced to out herself, in a letter she chose to share with The Windy City Times, after a reporter from The Daily Mail threatened to do it without her permission.

Lilly Wachowski, transgender, The Matrix, LGBTQ

If someone trusts you with news that they’re trans, there are a few key do’s and don’ts you should follow — and telling a journalist definitely falls under “don’t.”

As a transgender person, one of the most common questions I get from strangers is: “My friend or family member recently told me that they’re transgender. How can I support them?”

Below are five tips I give people who are thoughtful enough to ask.

1. Let them know they have your support.

If you’re asking this question (or taking the time to look up an article on the subject), you’re already on the right path. It’s important to make sure your friend knows you’re in their corner, as they’re probably afraid of how others in their lives will react. A simple “If you need anything, I’m here for you” can go a long way.

2. Respect their identity, name, and pronouns.

Ask questions like “What are your pronouns?” and “How would you like me to refer to you in private and when we’re around people who may not know you’re transitioning?”

If somebody is just starting to come out to others, odds are that there are still some people who don’t know and might still use old names and pronouns. Asking how you should react in those situations will help you avoid outing your friend to others who don’t yet know.

3. Educate yourself — don’t rely on your friend to educate you.

There are so many great resources on how to understand trans issues. While your friend may be happy to answer those initial personal questions about things like names and pronouns, they might become overwhelmed if you start treating them as a walking encyclopedia of all things trans.

I recommend PFLAG’s amazing resource “Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People who are Transgender and Gender Expansive.” The 102-page guide is a comprehensive piece of “Trans 101” literature that’s bound to answer some of your questions (complete with some more thorough do’s and don’ts).

4. Don’t gossip about them or “out” them to others.

The only people you should be discussing your friend’s gender with are people they’ve given you explicit permission to do so with. Going behind their back and outing them to someone they may not yet be ready to tell is not only a huge betrayal of their trust, but it could even put them in physical danger.

On top of that, when someone is hearing this news from a secondhand source (that is, you), some of the important details may get lost in translation, which get further garbled if this person tells someone else — it eventually turns into a game of telephone, and no one wants that.

A vigil for slain transgender woman Islan Nettles at Jackie Robinson Park in Harlem in 2013. Nettles was severely beaten after being approached on the street by a group of men and later died of her injuries.

5. Understand that this is not about you and your feelings.

It’s OK to feel confused, and it’s OK to not immediately “get it.” Those feelings are completely valid, but demanding to know why your friend didn’t tell you sooner (they were probably wrestling with this themselves for quite some time) or saying you feel betrayed will only hurt them during an extremely vulnerable time in their life.

Nothing you did “made” your friend trans, and it’s probably less that they were hiding something from you and more that they were hiding this reality from themselves.

Whether someone is a Hollywood director or a friend from high school, we should all have the right to come out at our own pace and in our own way.

Maybe years from now the aspect that makes this seem like such juicy gossip will fade and trans people won’t have to worry about being forcibly outed. Maybe years from now trans people won’t need to fear that coming out will be met with job loss, homelessness, or physical harm. Until then, it’s important that those of us who care for our trans friends and family members do what we can do show we’re there for them.

This article originally appeared on 03.09.16. It has been lightly edited.