By this point, it’s easy to feel like Rudy Gobert’s positive COVID-19 test and everything that happened in the aftermath occurred a decade ago. Instead, it’s been about a month, and there’s still a number of unresolved things that have yet to occur, like the NBA figuring out any sort of plan for playing games again.

The Utah Jazz are also trying to put out a fire that popped up due to Gobert’s test: the subsequent positive test received by Donovan Mitchell. It has previously been reported that Mitchell wasn’t particularly happy with Gobert, and a new piece by The Athletic takes things a step further, indicating that while the franchise is trying to stress to Mitchell that there’s no guarantee he got sick because of Gobert, there are major concerns about whether or not things will be cool between them going forward.

The Jazz have already begun working on the Mitchell-Gobert relationship, but sources say Mitchell remains reluctant to fix what might have been broken.

“It doesn’t appear salvageable,” one source with knowledge of the situation said.

Obviously the Jazz have a major problem on their hands if the two cornerstones of their franchise are not on good terms, especially considering Gobert is eligible for a supermax contract and Mitchell reportedly wants to put pen to paper on a new deal this summer. The good news is that at least one teammate isn’t particularly concerned with all of this — Joe Ingles told The Athletic the he has “no doubt when we go back to training, or when our season starts again, our team is going to be what we have been and what we are.” He was also appeared to address the report pretty succinctly…

…and when he was asked about this, Ingles decided to crack a joke.

Utah has plenty of time for this to all sort itself out — again, the Jazz-Thunder game that served as the major inflection point in all of this happened on March 11 — so we’ll see how this situation plays out over the coming days, weeks, and months.

You have to give Top Chef some credit. Whereas last week’s episode had a movie tie-in that came out last summer, this episode, in the midst of a pandemic, managed to tie into the only initially theatrical major movie release on the schedule, opening the same day. That’s pretty impressive, especially for a show that filmed almost a year ago and has to be shot sequentially, right? Granted, the movie was Trolls World Tour, but still. Hey, remember when time had meaning? Those were the days.

Kelly Clarkson, who does a voice in Trolls World Tour, introduced the quickfire challenge, in which the contestants all had to incorporate an ingredient from every color in the rainbow. At this point, my fiancee pointed out that Padma looks like a Na’avi from Avatar and Kelly Clarkson looks like a gnome and now it’s all I can see. I’m sharing this curse with you in the hopes I can rid myself of it.

After the quickfire, the contestants split into teams for a progressive dinner, vegetarian style. And guess what! We had our first big Judge’s Table Beef of the season! Did someone get thrown under the bus? Were they not here to make friends? You bet your food-related forearm tattoo!

POWER RANKINGS

12. (-1) ((Eliminated)) Lisa Fernandes

AKA: Salty. Aka: Grimes.

Surprise elimination! After narrowly losing out to Gregory (the quickfire king) in the quickfire challenge (which would’ve given her immunity), Lisa ended up at the bottom in the elimination challenge — thanks to some dry brussels sprouts. Most of the judge’s table segment was spent litigating whether Lee Anne’s crudité was underseasoned because of Lee Anne or because of SABOTAGE, with Lisa mostly flying under the radar. Which was why the outcome, Lisa going home, felt like such a shocking, Shyamalanian twist.

Her dish, incidentally, was a fried brussels sprout with raw apples dish that Lisa tried to defend on the grounds of rusticity. Tom wasn’t having that. It’s always a bad sign when a judge asks you whether your dish was supposed to be warm or not. It seemed like a bit of a cruel twist after Lisa nearly won the quickfire, but as I said last week, it was a pick-em race between Lee Anne and Lisa for who’d go home first. Turns out it was Lisa, the latest victim of when keeping it rustic goes wrong. Pour out some ceviche broth for Lisa, it looks like Top Chef Heaven just gained another eyebrow ring.

11. (+1) Lee Anne Wong

AKA: Frazzle. Aka Loud Mom. Aka Queasy. Aka Anomaleeanne.

Let me just say what we’re all thinking: How the hell is Lee Anne still in this competition?

To recap: the big fight in this episode was over whether it was Lee Anne’s or Shenanigans’ (aka Brian Malarkey’s) responsibility to season Lee Anne’s dish. Which, by the way, was a crudité with butternut squash hummus. Leaving aside the question of why you would want squash in a hummus (a dish which is already vegan), there’s the question of whether you think you’re going to win this competition with crudité.

Really, a crudite? You’re going to win a chef competition with cut up raw vegetables? Who’s the judge, a horse? Leaving that aside, the one part of that dish that would seem to require actual “cooking” (sort of) — the seasoning — Lee Anne managed to delegate to someone else. Which allowed Lee Anne to somehow play the victim when Shenanigans (correctly) pointed out that he couldn’t have been responsible for the hummus being underseasoned. “Do you see the bus tracks on my back??” Lee Anne asked, in the promo soundbite repeated at every commercial break.

The conspiracy-minded might point out that Lee Anne was a producer on the show in between her runs as a contestant and say that that may account for the apparent special treatment. I don’t know. But the promo for next week’s episode showed Lee Anne’s mom fainting, so at least they’re getting some entertainment miles out her. The saving grace of this entire segment (and of Top Chef generally) is Tom Colicchio’s complete inability to play along with any traditional reality show drama.

He knows he’s supposed to pander here but he can’t even pretend. I feel seen. Tom Colicchio is, as the kids say, a whole dang mood.

10. (-3) Brian Malarkey

AKA: Grandpa Fancy. Aka Shenanigans. Aka Squirrelly Bird. Aka The Emperor.

Did anyone else notice that Shenanigans seems to have bleached his dentures in between last week and this week? It looked like he had his veneers set to “halogen.” People, I’m saying his teeth looked white. Anyway, Shenanigans spent the whole quickfire alternately cackling as he blew up the ice cream machine by dumping skittles and pine cones into it and stuffing his face with cotton candy, which was perfectly on-brand for a guy who mostly reminds me of a metrosexual Buddy the Elf. Thank God for Grandpa Fancy, what would I even write about without him?

Later, Malarkey (Joe Biden hates this one weird contestant!) basically overcompensated for the relative failure of his overcomplicated curdled “curry pumpkin ice cream” in the quickfire challenge (which, it bears pointing out, for all the screen time it got, didn’t actually land him in the bottom three) and turned in an undercomplicated burrata salad in the elimination challenge. Too boring! You really have to thread the needle between “brave” simplicity and “boring” simplicity on this show. Gail Simmons said Brian’s Burrata was “a beautiful version of a dish we’ve seen a million times.” Meanwhile, much was made of his team’s decision to serve “two raw dishes in a row.”

But do you even think of burrata as a “raw dish?” All the damn crudités, crudos, and ceviches on this show and you’re going to complain about a Caprese salad? I think what’s actually at work here is something I call the Sopranos factor. You have to remember that Tom is an Italian from New Jersey, meaning any Italian dish you’ve seen someone eat on that show, Tom has probably had eight trillion times and possibly been force-fed by an antagonistic mother figure. It triggers Tom’s inner Jersey shame and he projects his anger onto the chef — see: him sending Grayson home for “Jersey red sauce” and the time he asked, “Did Snooki cook this?” One of the unspoken rules of Top Chef is that you can never make Tom feel like he’s at Il Vesuvio.

Anyway, Malarkey made a boring burrata and was kind of a spaz like always, but it seems like the show overplayed how bad he actually did in this episode. I’m interested to see what headwear/frame combo he brings to the next episode.

9. (even) Jennifer Carroll

AKA: Calamity Jenn

Once again, Calamity Jenn made neither the top nor the bottom three in either challenge, so it’s anyone’s guess as to where she really belongs in these rankings. Hell, she didn’t even make the “Padma’s Angels” joke segment in the beginning of the episode. To be fair, it’s hard to imagine someone as sneeringly cynical as Calamity Jenn participating in any uplifting yaas qween girlpower stuff anyway. Jenn is punk as fuck and I can’t tell if she even knows it. Have you ever seen anyone look so comfortable in a chef’s coat and so uncomfortable out of one?

This week she had some minor drama when someone maybe turned up the burner on her cashew cream (SABOTAGE PART 2). It looked like she was about to lose it (which was relatable, I almost punched a hole in my wall when spilled an entire pizza the other night while attempt to transfer it to the oven), but instead she simply calmly remade the cashew cream and everything seemed hunky-dory. She went head to head with Bryan Voltaggio and it was unclear who came out ahead. Honestly, who knows where the hell Jenn really stands right now. Nonetheless, I eagerly await the moment something truly pisses her off and she finally hulks out.

8. (+2) Stephanie CMar

AKA: C-Monster. Aka Underdog.

Once again in the quickfire, the C-Monster seemed to envision a smart dish — a fried spring roll with colorful interior dipped in peanut sauce — but couldn’t muster the technique to make it work. She got dinged for it being too sweet and not tightly wrapped and landed in the bottom three.

Then in the elimination challenge she went head to head with Gregory (undoubtedly one of the favorites) and seemed to pull off a win — with her cauliflower a la plancha with peri-peri sauce. Padma gushed “I love this dish” (as we’ve seen, Padma like-a da spice) and Beard Judge (I refuse to look up this guy’s name) said it was one of his favorites of the night. Sadly, she was on team Frazzle and the crudité/caprese combo dragged the C-Monster down like an anchor. She was ineligible for a top finish even if the dish warranted it. It was either a solid comeback episode and proof of resilience, or just Stephanie’s usual up-down pattern. Hard to say at this point.

7. (-2) Eric Adjepong

AKA: Ghana. Aka Thesis. Aka Uncle Rico. Aka Kanye West Africa.

Speaking of streaky, there’s Eric. I think Eric is on a bit of a roll and starting to look like the favorite we thought he was, but he didn’t quite manage a top three finish in the quickfire and him ending up on the winning team in the elimination challenge seemed partly coincidental. He received high marks for his “butternut squash and goat milk pudding with chocolate hazelnut soil” (any time you can get rated highly for a dish named after dirt it’s a feather in your cap) but hard to say if he would’ve beaten Nini straight up. Eric is drafting in the middle of the pack like the dude Jenn Carroll right now but I have to think his Kanye-esque delusions of greatness give him the edge.

6. (even) Nini Nguyen

AKA: Broad City. Aka Quipz. Aka Bolo.

I’m still keeping the Nini faith but is it more religion than science at this point? This human emoji turned out a frankly pretty weak ass-looking purple potato gnocchi in the elimination challenge and ended in the bottom three. But she busted out her dessert skills in the elimination challenge with a peaches and cream creampuff, which looked good as hell and seemed to match her personality. It was hard to tell if she would’ve beaten Eric straight up, but the judges liked both of their dishes and Nini being on the losing team seemed mostly coincidental. “I want this dessert every day,” said Gail Simmons.

5. (+3) Karen Akunowicz

AKA: Good Witch. Aka Glenda. Aka Aunt Kitty. Aka Rosie The Triveter

The Good Witch was thrilled to cook for lesbian icon Kelly Clarkson this week and she showed up for it, landing in the top three with a crunchy tartare. Then in the elimination challenge she was the only one to make a pasta dish for the vegetarian challenge, which honestly, seems like kind of a no-brainer.

That’s a top three and a top-five finish in the same episode, if you’re keeping score at home. She easily squeaks into my top five. You never want to bet against a well put together lesbian in a cooking competition.

4. (even) Kevin Gillespie

AKA: Hops. Aka Oops All Kevins. Aka Bachelor Fried Rice.

For his vegetarian dish, Kevin made an “heirloom tomato and melon salad with avocado tofu, fresh dates, and a California togarashi” which I will now sum up with a classic Simpsons gif:

I know what those words mean, but together they’re just a mess. Yo, dawg, is that a melon salad or a word salad?

Regardless, the judges seemed to like it, and anyway Kevin was paired against Brian Malarkey, whose dish Tom dynamited on the launch pad, asking pointedly, “Why did you serve us mozzarella and tomatoes [you fucking IDIOT]?”

That being said, Kevin didn’t make any identifiable mistakes this week so I’m keeping him locked in that the number four spot.

3. (-2) Bryan Voltaggio

AKA: Flatbill Dad. Aka Bry Voltage. Aka Kyle Shanahan. Aka Linkin Clark Griswold.

Bry Voltage really let us down this week. He landed in the bottom three in the quickfire with his “mushy” shrimp and uni ceviche. “Looks like we’re both making ceviche, huh? Ha Ha ha,” Bryan said to Kevin during prep, dadly.

I mean two Top Chef contestants both making a ceviche at the same time? Imagine that! Anyway, the Dadliest Catch here made a classic Top Chef error: trying to cook for a celebrity guest judge the same way you would a professional food judge. Remember that country twerp from last season who dinged a tomato dish because “I’m really cautious about acidic things” and gave the win to an oatmeal? Kelly Clarkson wasn’t that much of a baby, but still, I got the feeling she wasn’t feeling that uni.

In the elimination challenge, Bry did a smoked beet with sprouted legumes (Bry Voltage lists sprouted legumes in the “hobbies” section of his social media profiles) going head to head against Jenn Carroll, with an inconclusive outcome. He ended up on the losing team, but on a team with Lisa, Lee Anne, and Brian Malarkey you know there was no way Voltaggio was ever in danger of going home. It was a bad week but I see him turning it around.

2. (+1) Gregory Gourdet

AKA: Kravitz. Aka Hepcat. Aka Lids.

With Dad faltering this week, Gregory and Melissa solidified their one-two positions. Gregory edged out Melissa in the quickfire and won high marks for his charred carrots (with various other charred vegetable oils ) in the elimination challenge. But ultimately he lost out to Melissa’s corn soup. The quickfire win gave him both immunity and Top Chef‘s most coveted prize of all time: a trip to the Trolls World Tour world premiere! It’s unclear if he was ever able to collect on that prize after the movie was downgraded to a digital release, but some things are just too good to be true.

On the one hand, you would expect the avowed healthy yoga guy to crush a vegetarian challenge, but on the other, he had two top finishes to Melissa’s one, even if he didn’t win in the end. Gregory seems like the most consistently competent chef in this competition but he almost seems too chill to win it all.

1. (+1) Melissa King

AKA: Zen Master. Aka Dimples. Aka Shutterstock.

Melissa is nearly as chill as Gregory and just as well put together, but also seems to lap the rest of the field in Big Dick Energy. Stop being so comfortable with yourself, it’s weirding me out. Melissa’s corn soup in the elimination challenge made me want to lick the screen (usually only Padma’s cleav– uh, never mind) and she seems to be peaking. Is she peaking too early? Is that even a thing? All I know is that every episode should dedicate five or 10 minutes to Melissa roasting Brian Malarkey.

Vince Mancini is on Twitter. Read more of his cooking commentary and mom jokes in UPROXX’s Cooking Battles. For past Top Chef Power Rankings, go here.

Netflix’s Brews Brothers is a ridiculously funny comedy series that does not hold back on the raunch factor. The show’s vulgar as hell and heartwarming as hell and offers a hefty helping of frivolity. Furthermore, it’s as breezy as a shandy and goes down as smoothly as a Guinness while focusing on two estranged brothers, Wilhelm and Adam Rodman (Alan Aisenberg and Mike Castle), who must work together to resurrect a struggling brewery. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for the audience), getting along with each other proves to be as tough as the task at hand.

The show, which hails from brothers Greg Schaffer (That ’70s Show) and Jeff Schaffer (The League), comes by its tough brotherly love honestly. Wilhelm and Adam stand at opposite ends of the beer-making and personality spectrums, but they’re both braumeisters in their own way. Aisenberg — who people will remember as Orange Is The New Black‘s naive CO Bailey, whose fate became hopelessly intertwined with the tragic outcome of Poussey — was gracious enough to talk with us about how much he enjoyed returning to comedy. We also chatted about beer, of course, and how Brews Brothers gets crazier than people will expect.

Lots of folks are Netflixing their way through quarantine. Beyond that, how are you spending your days?

I am at home in my New York apartment, alone. Lots of reading and writing, and the Peloton bike is keeping me sane. If not for that, I think I’d be going very crazy.

It’s strange to remember that Peleton was considered controversial, months ago.

I know, and I bought it right before that, and all my friends were making fun of me for, you know, being one of those people, and now, they all look at me with envy and send me texts full of apologies for all of the ridicule they sent my way.

I watched Brews Brothers while sweating it out at home, and honestly, I needed this comedy. Do you find yourself gravitating towards any particular TV shows right now?

Yeah, I’m kind-of going through some comfort-series, so I rewatched Oh Hello On Broadway, Nick Kroll and John Mulaney’s show, which is on Netflix. I saw that three times when it was on Broadway, and that just brings me joy, and I started watching that over the weekend. The Office, and then some other stuff on Netflix that I love, like Tim Robinson’s I Think You Should Leave, which I think is a perfect sketch show, and Astronomy Club on Netflix. I’m just trying to surround myself with silly, fun things.

If you had to recommend this show based on people liking another show, what comparison would you make?

If you like Curb Your Enthusiasm and The League, you will love Brews Brothers. If you like laughing, I think you will like our show.

You guys shot the series last year, so it’s right on schedule.

Last summer, yeah. Between June and September of 2019, which now feels a different world ago, in downtown LA in the middle of summer.

Folks know you best from your tragic Orange is The New Black character, but you have otherwise gravitated more toward lighthearted roles. Was it refreshing to get back to those parts?

It was really nice. I loved my time on Orange. I came onto that show to play a funny character and really got to do that for like a year and a half, and it was the longest I’d spent on one job and got really comfortable with those people and that material. Then to really do my first dramatic work ever there, while very difficult, I felt at home. So, I could try things, and it was the perfect place to learn how to do that. But at the end of the day, I was still going to work and having to sob all day and to go to really dark places. So with something like Brews Brothers, I knew that I was going to show up to work and was still going to cry pretty much every day, but because I was laughing so hard, not because my character had done something really, really tragic. So it was really refreshing to wake up in the morning and know that I’m gonna have a very crazy 14 hours ahead of me, but they’re going to be filled with giggles and hard laughs and just positive thoughts.

Do you think people are prepared for the level of raunchy insanity? Like monks with “garbage accents” and the “Picasso of dildos.”

No, I don’t think people are ready for how crazy this show gets. As Greg [Schaffer] pitched out this season to us, and we started reading these scripts, we saw that this show never truly lets up. At any point when you think that our characters are comfortable with the situation and have gotten control of how things are going, Greg and the writers have found a way to push it, ten times further than you think. Once they settle again, they push it again, and the show keeps getting wilder and wilder and wilder. Even when I tell people about certain plotlines, they think I’m joking. Like, “How did they let you do that in a TV show?” And now that people are watching the show, they’re so excited to realize that we did do some crazy things.

The show’s spicy but brings some sweetness, too.

Yeah, totally. The show is about brotherhood and heart. The show is loosely taken from our creator, Greg Schaffer and his brother, Jeff, who directed almost half the episodes and was there pretty much every day. A lot of stuff was based upon things that were in their relationship. I’m playing the Greg-like character, and Mike [Castle] is playing the Jeff-like character. And they love each other. I worked with these guys every day for a summer. They truly do have an incredible amount of love and respect for each other, and the characters in the show have the same thing. They fight, but they’re brothers, and they do eventually find a way to love each other, even with their differences.

You actually can no longer drink beer after you were diagnosed with Celiac Disease last year, right?

That’s true.

Do you miss it? Are you having cravings?

I do, it was kinda weird, during the first month when we were shooting. I found out that I couldn’t drink beer on a Monday and got the show on a Wednesday, and then Friday, I was flying to LA to shoot it. It happened very fast, and then during the first month, I really craved it because I was in a brewery. We shot this on location, at a real, formally-functioning brewery. And I was surrounded by, like, the best beer and a lot of beer snobs. And I couldn’t enjoy any of it, but in the second month, I finally let the craving go, and now, really in the last month, being stuck in my apartment and watching the show, I’m like, “Oh, I could go for a very heavy, double IPA right now.” I can’t have it, but I’m glad that I can at least watch people pretend to drink it while living vicariously through these characters.

Have you at least picked up any alternative vices?

Working out? No, I’ve become a fan of the Old Fashioned — whiskey, which is very different than a beer. That, or tequila, but I don’t think anybody’s gonna make a show about guys who make tequila anytime soon.

Which brother would you rather have a drink with?

Oh, I’d rather have a beer with Wilhelm. I think after spending so much time pretending to be sick of Alan’s antics, I think I actually am sick of Adam’s antics? Like, oh man, that is an annoying character, which I think is what makes it so worthwhile when we see him start to open up towards the end of our first season, and we see that he’s got a heart and is lovable. But no, Adam in the first couple of episodes, I don’t wanna be anywhere near him.

Your character’s name, Wilhelm, is that historical?

Yeahhhh. His name’s Will, and he renamed himself Wilhelm, which is after the guy who started the beer purity law in German.

The Duke of Bavaria, I think?

Yes, he’s someone who loves the history of beer, and he loves the passion, and so any way he can honor it, and changing his name to something that is pronounced “Vil-helm” in English is pretty annoying, and he found a way to do it.

There’s a debate in this series about whether beer should be in cans and bottles. Where do you stand?

There’s nothing more satisfying than a bottle. It’s like how seltzer comes in cans. Seltzer does not come in glass bottles, really. I think beer is an art form, and people who make art should have it present in way that is, you know, at a higher level. I’m Team Bottles.

Can I challenge you to name the four magical ingredients of beer?

Oh my god. I knew it when we were shooting the show. Let’s see, hops, water… barley… and… I’m embarrassing myself that I don’t know this! This is not good for my street cred.

Yeast and malts. Full disclosure: I totally looked this up before speaking with you.

Yes, yeast and malts! I’m gonna get so much hate mail for that, but here’s the thing: our show is written about really true beer aficionados, we had experts on set every day, who live and drink beer. And while my memory’s a little bit foggy because we shot awhile ago, and I haven’t been able to drink beer, the show is very authentic. We’ve shown it to folks from big beer companies, and they’ve been very open about the authentic experience in our show, in terms of what is represented in how breweries function. So don’t take my current ignorance for an indicator of what our show’s like.

Do you have any particular hopes for where a second season might go?

Oh yeah, this is my dream job. It’s a place where you are treated as a partner and that your voice is heard and to work on material that is really funny and carefree and just loose. Like this is the job that I wanna do for the rest of my life, but also, our first season has a very cool ending, and it’s very open-ended ending, and I think it’d be devastating as someone who is a fan of the show to not see where these characters go. Hopefully, people will watch our eight episodes, and by the end, they’ll feel the same. When they see where the season ends, they’ll wanna know where these guys are going.

Netflix’s ‘Brews Brothers’ streams on April 10.

Last Updated: April 10th

There was a time when tales of aliens, space travel, and robots were believed to be the strict province of four-eyed basement dwellers, but the truth is that everybody can find something to enjoy in the weird world of science fiction. The best sci-fi works in both universal truths and hyperspecific detail, using fantastical yet fully-realized worlds to tell stories about our own.

Netflix‘s selection of good sci fi movies isn’t exhaustive, but there’s still plenty worth exploring nestled among the sequels and paycheck-generators. Keep on scrolling for 10 of the best sci-fi movies on Netflix streaming to watch right now, all taking you from the moon, the farthest reaches of space, and to the outer fringes of reality itself.

Related: The Best Sci-Fi Shows On Netflix Right Now

1. Blade Runner: The Final Cut (1982)

Run Time: 117 min | IMDb: 8.1/10

Harrison Ford’s lived long enough to see quite a few of his sci-fi franchises get the reboot treatment but this futuristic 80s flick still ranks as one of his best genre outings. Ford plays Rick Deckard, a blade runner charged with terminating four replicants — synthetic humans — who have escaped captivity and are plotting rebellion. Deckard treks across a dystopian Los Angeles, confronting ideas about humanity and morality while fighting off bioengineered humanoids and his fellow man.

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2. Ex Machina (2014)

Run Time: 108 min | IMDb: 7.7/10

Alex Garland’s sci-fi thriller breathed new life into the tired A.I. trope when it landed in theaters a few years ago. The film focuses on a naïve young programmer (Domhnall Gleeson) who’s selected amongst a pool of applicants to evaluate a new A.I. lifeform. The poor kid is whisked away to a remote villa to spend time with the eerily-human-looking robot, Ava (Alicia Vikander) and her eccentric, often cruel creator Nathan (Oscar Isaac), a genius with an ego to match his talent. The film takes some twists you don’t expect, and Isaac gives cinema one of its greatest dance sequences, in case you needed more reason to watch.

3. The Matrix (1999)

Run Time: 136 min | IMDb: 8.7/10

The Wachowski sisters created one of the greatest sci-fi films in cinematic history with their mind-bending Matrix trilogy, but the original is hard to top. Keanu Reeves plays Neo, a young man unplugged from the matrix — a kind of alternate reality that keeps humans docile, so machines can harvest their life energy. He teams up with a band of rebels fighting the machines (Laurence Fishburne as Morpheus and Carrie-Ann Moss as Trinity) and faces off against a henchman named Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving). The real draw of this trilogy, besides its inventive storyline, is the CGI effects. The movie also sports some of the most imaginative fight sequences you’ll ever see on the big screen.

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4. Her (2013)

Run Time: 126 mins | IMDb: 8/10

Spike Jonze imagines a world in which Artificial Intelligence can become something more than just a personal assistant program. Joaquin Phoenix plays Theodore Twombly, a depressed introvert going through a divorce who starts up a relationship with an OS named Samantha. Things get serious before Theodore begins to realize that romance with an A.I. is more complicated than he thought. What follows is a thoughtful exploration of love, relationships, and the ways human beings find a connection in a plugged-in world.

5. Equilibrium (2002)

Run Time: 107 min | IMDb: 7.4/10

Christian Bale and Sean Bean star in this sci-fi drama set in an oppressive future where all forms of emotion are outlawed. Bale plays a man named John Preston, who’s charged with enforcing the law, but when he accidentally forgets to take a dose of the medicine that suppresses feelings and artistic expression, he begins to question the system he upholds and, eventually, leads an uprising.

6. Okja (2017)

Run Time: 120 min | IMDb: 7.4/10

Bong Joon-Ho’s send-up of corporate farming and environmental abuses isn’t subtle. Tilda Swinton goes all-out as the CEO of an evil corporation only to be outdone by Jake Gyllenhaal’s broad turn as an unstable TV host. But its tale of an endearing, genetically modified “super pig” and the girl who loves him is effective and contains both some terrific action set pieces and the most affecting child/strange beast relationship this side of E.T.

7. Snowpiercer (2013)

Run Time: 126 min | IMDb: 7.1/10

Chris Evans stars in this sci-fi thriller from auteur Bong Joon-ho. The film, set years into the future following a devastating ice age caused by mankind, follows Evans’ Curtis who lives in poverty on a train that continuously circles the Earth and contains all that remains of human life. Curtis is part of the “scum” the people relegated to the back of the train while the “elite” enjoy the privilege of wealth and status that comes with living in the front. Curtis sparks a rebellion that ends in bloodshed and a devastating reveal when he makes it to the train’s engine room and discovers just how the elite have been fueling their operation. It’s a dark, grimy action piece that should give fans a new appreciation for Evans’ talent.

8. April And The Extraordinary World (2015)

Run Time: 105 min | IMDb: 7.3/10

In an alternate version of 1941 where France has been led by a line of Napoleons and leading scientists mysteriously disappear, young April, her talking cat Darwin, and the shady Julius go searching for April’s missing parents. It’s an interesting take on a history where technological advancement isn’t a thing, where “steampunk” is reality and TVs and cars don’t exist. April’s journey starts in the dreary, stuck-out-of-time France but leads her to fantastical advancements that still make sense in the world we’re presented with. The heart of the film lies in the love that plucky, stubborn April has for those she cares about, and the film’s driven by charming animation and a genuinely interesting concept. It’s enjoyable action that’s just out-there enough for adults while being accessible for the young and young at heart.

9. Moon (2009)

Run Time: 97 min | IMDb: 7.9/10

A beautiful, claustrophobic sci-fi film, Moon focuses on Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell), an employee on an extremely isolated solo mission harvesting resources on the moon. With the end of his contract in sight, his hope of returning to his family is put in jeopardy once he has an accident in a lunar module and makes a startling discovery. It’s best not to know more than that about the story as it would pooch the twist. With Rockwell being pretty much the only actor in the movie, Moon obviously relies heavily on him, both for levity and existentially dramatic turns, and he doesn’t disappoint.

10. Under The Skin (2007)

Run Time: 108 min | IMDb: 6.3/10

Scarlett Johansson stars in this sci-fi thriller about an other-worldly woman with a dark agenda. The film sees Johansson using her sex appeal to lure unsuspecting men to their watery doom while beginning to contemplate her own existence with every new partner she seduces. It’s a subtle reverse of rape culture, with themes of race and immigration mixed in, but if all of that goes over your head, you’ll at least enjoy seeing Johansson off a bunch of frat bros and rapists.

Recent Changes Through April 2020:
Removed: Men In Black
Added: The Matrix

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So, I treated watching the original Police Academy as kind of an experiment. Now, I haven’t seen any Police Academy movie in quite some time – Police Academy IV: Citizens on Patrol was on cable a few months ago and I caught maybe 20 minutes of it – and I certainly hadn’t seen the original film in ages … to the point I couldn’t even remember the plot. But I had been thinking: taken in its own, without its six sequels, is the first Police Academy good? Because when we think of Police Academy, what do we think of? We think of a punchline franchise of never-ending bad movies that, yes, granted, some people like to watch, in some sort of half satisfying, half ironic kind of way.

But … what if only the first Police Academy existed? Would it now be considered some sort of raunchy ‘80s classic? (I don’t want to create too many scenarios, but I think if it had only one sequel, this still applies. People still talk about Airplane! and Revenge of Nerds today and those survived less than great sequels.) Take a movie like Bachelor Party. It’s still remembered fondly as this weird outlier when Tom Hanks was doing comedies with nudity. There’s a whole subset of these kinds of movies – Risky Business, 48 Hours, Stripes – that were “fine” (and, yes, today, they have their “problems”), but they belong to a group cemented as defining for the era. Without the sequels, would Police Academy be on this list?

It’s weird to think of it this way, but the original Police Academy was the sixth highest-grossing movie of 1984. It made more money than Splash. The five movies ahead of it – Beverly Hills Cop, Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Gremlins, and The Karate Kid – are all considered canon, as well the movie right below it, Footloose. After rewatching the original Police Academy again for the first time in I don‘t know how long, it makes a lot of sense that, on its own, it belongs on that list.

Directed by Hugh Wilson (his only time helming a Police Academy movie, he would later direct First Wives Club), Police Academy stars Steve Guttenberg as Carey Mahoney (he’d do three more of these movies) and Kim Cattrall as Karen Thompson (she, perhaps wisely, didn’t do anymore). So, I’m going to cut to the chase: Rewatching the first Police Academy it turns out its an actual movie. It doesn’t have near as many dopey jokes and pratfalls that the other movies do, which is probably a big reason people don’t watch this one as much. If a fan of the whole franchise is looking for “something stupid,” this offers the least amount of that. It’s also rated R (the only one of the franchise to have this rating), so it has a couple of raunchy moments, but not as many as I expected. (Though, two separate characters get unexpected oral sex while giving a speech. The movie actually ends with one of these events. I have no memory of this happening, so I’m now convinced I’ve never seen the unedited-for -television version of Police Academy.) Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment is rated PG-13 and it seems like the strategy became, “Well, we can’t do raunchy humor anymore, so instead we will just amp of the pratfalls and character tropes.”

Again, maybe most surprisingly, this is an actual movie. The plot is, basically, the mayor of a city in need (filmed in Toronto, but the city was never named) opens up the ranks of the police force to people who would never have qualified before. The current police force is run by overtly racist and sexist men who don’t like the fact that they now have to train people of color and women. Mahoney (Guttenberg) is facing a jail term unless he enrolls in the academy, a sentence he accepts, but with a clear goal of being kicked out. The formula feels like a mix of Animal House and Stripes, only with the establishment being clearly bad people. (It’s actually shocking how overtly racist the villains of this movie are. Something that was clearly toned down in the other movies.)

Mahoney eventually gets his wish of being kicked out, but has a change of heart when riots hit the city and his fellow cadets are being sent into harm’s way. Police Academy then ends with an action-packed third act shootout that I also do not remember.

Also surprising: the characters aren’t complete caricatures yet. Yes, Jones (Michael Winslow) makes his fun noises, but it doesn’t happen as often as we might think and always seems to serve the plot. There’s actually a payoff at the end when Jones mimics the sound of gunfire over a loudspeaker to stop rioters from attacking a police car. Hightower (Bubba Smith) is fleshed out more, and his character plays a pivotal role after he’s kicked out of the academy for turning over a police car after someone uses (you guessed it) a racist epithet. And Hooks’ (Marion Ramsey) timid voice, turning into a screaming terror, is actually pretty funny in this first movie – as opposed to being something we come to expect in all the subsequent films. And even Tackleberry (David Graf) is played as a human being with some warmth and compassion, in between is action and gun obsession. Again, the biggest surprise about Police Academy is it’s an actual movie with an actual plot with actual characters.

Also a little surprising is how many characters we never see again, who were replaced in the sequels by far more famous characters. Of course, there’s Kim Cattrall’s character, as Cattrall was destined for bigger and better things. Cadet Leslie Barbara is a major character in this film, yet we never see him again. But we don’t meet Zed and Sweetchuck until the second movie. And, yes, it is weird Steve Guttenberg did four of these movies. It’s a franchise that both launched his career and, frankly, probably hampered it, too. I wonder what Guttenberg’s career looks like if he had only done the first film?

According to Wikipedia, sourced to a Chicago Tribune piece that’s not online, Guttenberg is quoted as saying about the second Police Academy film, “I wasn’t too sold on doing the sequel. I didn’t think the script was as good as the first one. But it has been improved, and after I talked with [producer] Paul [Maslansky], I decided to give it another try.” No, those don’t sound like the words of someone completely invested in the project.

So, is it good? I mean, it’s “fine,” like most of the movies like this from that era. But I completely understand why it was as successful as it was in 1984 – and why each sequel saw less and less box office returns. And I also get why it’s maybe the least talked about of the movies. As Police Academy delved more and more into schlock, fans starting expecting the schlock. So, now, the original film is almost too nondescript to be particularly interesting to a rowdy, beer-drinking crew looking for stupid humor. It’s the best movie, but maybe the worst Police Academy movie, if that makes sense. But, on its own, it’s actually a pretty tight comedy with an actual plot. And, yes, I have convinced myself that if there were only one Police Academy movie, it’s would be considered today, and remembered today (with some reservations that any comedy from this era would have), pretty fondly.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

We are five seasons deep into Vince Gilligan and Peter Gould’s Better Call Saul, but so far, the two lead characters — Jimmy McGill and Jonathan Banks — have only pinged off of each other occasion. Their paths have crossed occasionally, and the two have done each other favors, but there’s nothing on Better Call Saul that has really bonded the two characters together. Yet.

That changed this week with the eighth episode of the season, “Bagman,” in which Jimmy and Jonathan spent most of the episode together traversing the desert on foot while Jimmy carried $7 million in two heavy bags, money meant to pay for Lalo Salamanca’s bond. This came after Mike used his sharp-shooter skills to effectively neutralize a small gang. The episode also featured a scene in which Jimmy drank his own urine in order to save off dehydration, and according to the folks on this week’s Better Call Saul podcast, the writers have been noodling episode titles for this episode of years: “Urine Trouble. Urine Danger. Urine the Money. Urine Over Your Head. Urine for it Now.”

It’s also the kind of episode that can bring two people together, and I think that by the end of the episode — after Jimmy put his life on the line while trusting Mike’s sharp-shooting skills — Mike gained an immense amount of respect for Jimmy. That bond, of course, is crucial to their loose partnership in Breaking Bad.

Speaking of Breaking Bad, this episode was shot in the same place that parts of “Ozymandias” — arguably the best episode of Breaking Bad, and one of the best episodes of any show ever — was shot. It was also directed by Vince Gilligan, who typically shoots premieres or finales. However, this season, Gilligan’s availability did not come open until he’d finished shooting El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie.

“I put the right guy in the seat for this episode,” showrunner Peter Gould said during this week’s episode of the Better Call Saul podcast. “This was the hardest single thing I will ever do,” Vince Gilligan replies. The episode took seventeen-and-a-half days to shoot, which is twice the normal schedule for an episode on Saul.

But the episode itself has been a long time in the making, according to its creators, Gilligan and Gould.

“When we started the show,” Gould said on the podcast, “Vince and I were kicking around who could be on the show. Obviously, we’d have Bob [Odenkirk], and we’d call it Better Call Saul, if Bob is willing to do it. Who from Breaking Bad should be on the show?” they wondered. “And we both knew right away that it has to be Mike, It has to be Jonathan. He has to be on the show.”

And as we were both saying that,” Gould continued, “I think we both had the image of Midnight Run, which is personally one of my favorite movies.” Midnight Run is a 1988 action-comedy starring Robert DeNiro and Charles Grodin about an accountant who is chased by bounty hunters, the F.B.I., and the Mafia after jumping bail. “And just the idea of [Bob and Jonathan] together kind of, well, for years, we were pitching that they were handcuffed together. And that’s what I thought the show was going to be when we started.”

The road-trip buddy movie obviously did not come to immediate fruition on the series, as Mike and Jimmy have spent most of their time apart. However, as Gould noted on the podcast, “on the 48th episode of the show, we finally got to do what I thought we would do on the second episode.” That was “Bagman,” the kind of episode they envisioned when they came up with the premise for this show, and the kind of episode that will arguably go down as one of the best ever of Better Call Saul.

Source: Better Call Saul Insider Podcast

Death Cab For Cutie’s commercial breakthrough came in 2003 with Transatlanticism, their fourth album. The group released a string of records before that, though, and their sophomore effort, We Have The Facts And We’re Voting Yes, recently celebrated its 20th anniversary. The album came out on March 21, 2000, and to mark the occasion, Ben Gibbard devoted his most recent livestream performance to the record.

Gibbard’s set last night featured only songs from We Have The Facts, as he played the full album front-to-back: “Title Track,” “The Employment Pages,” “For What Reason,” “Lowell, MA,” “405,” “Little Fury Bugs,” “Company Calls,” “Company Calls Epilogue,” “No Joy In Mudville,” and “Scientist Studies.”

Throughout the set, Gibbard also answered questions about the album and about the band during that era, so the stream is a real must-watch for fans of the album. Gibbard also noted that Barsuk Records is giving away an out-of-print first pressing vinyl copy of the album.

This was Gibbard’s second weekly livestream performance after he previously performed daily. Last week, he decided to devote part of his set to Fountains Of Wayne member Adam Schlesinger, who recently passed away due to coronavirus complications.

Watch Gibbard’s full performance above.

Death Cab For Cutie is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

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The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — This is the time for shows with small worlds

I have a theory. I have a lot of theories, actually. Most of them are bad. I have one theory that we don’t need wind and would be better off without it. (CON: no more cool breezes in the summer; PRO: no more hurricane or tornados.) I haven’t looked up any of the consequences or consulted a single scientist. I just believe it to be true. That’s enough for that theory. Some of them are better and more grounded in logic, like my belief that all spoons should be soup spoons (wider, deeper, fewer spills) and the one that I’m going to discuss below: that this is the perfect time to enjoy a television show with lower stakes, one that deals with small world problems instead of catastrophes.

I love a good small world show even in good times. There’s something exhausting about shows and movies constantly dealing with scenarios where the entire world is at risk. These kinds of stories have always existed but they seem to be more prevalent now, possibly as a result of the trend towards superheroes and comics. The other problem is that, like, you can’t go backwards very easily. The stakes generally only go up as a series or franchise continues. You can’t have Superman stop the apocalypse in one movie and then have him save a bakery in the next. And with the stakes always going up and up and up, you can lose some of the humanity of it all. The relatable issues. The stuff that’s real to regular people who never have to prevent Charlize Theron from stealing a nuclear submarine from an ice-covered military base. Or at least, to people who haven’t yet. It’s crazy out there. You never know.

I bring this up now for the obvious reasons but also because Schitt’s Creek ended its run this week. What a fun and nice show that was, just warm and charming and very, very funny. The thing I liked most about it was how human it was, how even though I am not now nor have I ever been a former billionaire who was forced to move into a small motel in a town with a goofy name that I owned a joke, it was relatable in a million ways. It was about family and friendships and relationships and the biggest tangible issues they faced were, to choose one example, how to put on a musical. It was more than that, obviously, as the heart of the show ran deep, but it was nice to not be worried about a meteor hitting the town and killing everyone from week to week.

There are a lot of shows like this, of course. Sitcoms have a long history of finding entertainment in little things. Parks and Recreation was about civil servants putting on festivals, Friends was about friends, The Office was about people working in an office. A good recent example: High Fidelity, the Hulu version starring Zoe Kravitz, which had no right to be as good as it was. I watched it all in about two sittings. I might watch it again while I’m stuck at home. Maybe I’ll rewatch New Girl, or Happy Endings, or any other very chill hangout show where stressed-out high-achievers and slacker lunkheads sit on a sofa together and let the day take them wherever it goes. Maybe I’ll watch Joe Pera grow that bean arch again. There are plenty of options.

The point here is not to slander those shows where catastrophe looms. I loved Watchmen and all of its squid-raining calamity. I’m enjoying Westworld as it wages a Humans v. Robots war for civilization. I am on record as hoping the next Fast & Furious movie features a villain who wants to blow up the moon. That’s all great. But it’s really stressful out there in the real world right now. Too stressful. Cut yourself some slack once in a while. Watch a nice show about cool people trying to figure out normal stuff. You deserve it.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — This was a good idea

I don’t know whose idea it was to call-up Tracy Morgan in the middle of a pandemic and put him on live network television before lunch on a weekday but, once we’re through this and allowed to touch each other again, I am going to find that person and kiss them on the mouth. A big sloppy kiss, like the ones Bugs Bunny gave to the people he was in the middle of frustrating. A real smackeroo. Right on the lips.

I mean, it’s beautiful. And completely nuts. I admittedly have a higher tolerance for pure and unfiltered chaos than some, but I don’t see how anyone could not love this. Tracy Morgan in a damn surgical mask shouting at Honda Kotb about getting people pregnant is like something you would have seen on 30 Rock, and yet, there he was, in real life, introducing a delicious amount of anarchy into the traditionally anarchy-free genre of morning television. He also showed up on some late-night shows later in the week to do more of the same, which was fine and perfectly welcome, but it’s the morning show part of it that really delighted me. Tracy Morgan should be on morning television way more. Like, every day. In fact…

Wait a second.

We have an idea brewing.

Yes, here it is: Let’s just give Tracy Morgan a morning show. Or plug him into an existing morning show. Let’s lose Seacrest and pair Tracy Morgan with Kelly Ripa. Tell me that’s not immediately a must-watch hour of television. Or plug him in for Drew Carey on The Price Is Right. Let Tracy Morgan explain Plinko to a nation of bored quarantined couch potatoes. He can do it from his house via Skype. Or something. I need to stress how unimportant to me the logistics of all of this are. I’m doing big picture stuff here. I’m putting together the grand scheme. Leave the details to the details people.

Everyone could use a little chaos with their coffee. This is how we do it.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Guy Fieri, good dude

I owe Guy Fieri an apology. I spent the first few years of his career poking fun at his spiky hair and shirt collection and general vibe. A lot of us did. Most of us, I think. I’ve used that picture up there a thousand times for a laugh and I guess I’m using it here, too, so let’s go ahead and say I owe Guy Fieri a second apology for using it when I was supposed to be apologizing the first time. I’m sorry twice. Not sorry enough to find a different picture (it’s really very funny), but sorry enough to own up to, at least. Has to count for something. Right?

Anyway, the apologies are owed because Guy Fieri seems like an incredibly good dude. There’s a long history of him donating his time and resources to good causes and, hell, even his television show works like a charity in the way it highlights small businesses around the country. Again, good dude. It’s one of the many reasons I almost cracked my mouse by clicking too fast on this article, titled “Guy Fieri is in quarantine with 400 goats, a peacock problem and a plan to help restaurant employees.”

Yes. Yes, I will read that. Hit me, WaPo.

Unable to resume production on “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” Fieri has channeled his energy into partnering with the association on its restaurant employee relief fund, which will be distributed to eligible applicants in $500 grants.

As of Friday, the fund had reached $10 million. Fieri has a goal of 10 times that — because “you can’t go on a road trip and not have a destination” — that he aims to achieve with corporate sponsors.

“I’ve been in the restaurant business my whole life. This is all I know,” Fieri says. “The TV thing is kind of like ‘Happy Gilmore.’ ‘I’m a hockey player,’ and then he gets into golfing. This is what I do. I love the restaurant business, and I know it inside and out. As soon as this happened and the restaurants started closing, I looked at my wife and said, ‘What are all these people going to do?’

”

Guy Fieri rules. The haters can find me in the Flavortown octagon if they have a problem.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — It is time, once again, to discuss the b-holes

Cats has fascinated me since its first trailer and it continues to fascinate me to this day even though I have yet to see it. I will see it. I will see it very much and very hard. Soon, I imagine. But not yet. And until I do see, well, I will continue to be fascinated by every part of it. Like, for example, the infamous “butthole cut” that either exists or doesn’t exist and features the anuses of the CGI cats for reasons that can be explained as… as… actually, no. It can’t be explained. But thank god for it and for its continued shelf-life as a matter of public discourse, because without articles like this one, from an alleged source who allegedly worked on erasing the buttholes after someone became very angry about then, I honestly don’t know what I would do. All of my movies are delayed until next year. Daddy needs something to occupy his time. This will do.

Go.

“We paused it,” the source said. “We went to call our supervisor, and we’re like, ‘There’s a fucking asshole in there! There’s buttholes!’ It wasn’t prominent but you saw it… And you [were] just like, ‘What the hell is that?… There’s a fucking butthole in there.’ It wasn’t in your face—but at the same time, too, if you’re looking, you’ll see it.”

I am not joking even a little when I tell you that I would have given $400 to be the person who received this phone call. Or the one who made it. Or just a secretary who was on the call to take notes. Anything. The joy it would have given me… it’s incalculable.

Some aspects of the production, the source alleges, became simply absurd—like when Hooper would demand to see videos of actual cats performing the same actions the cats would do in the film. “And as you know,” the source said, “cats don‘t dance.”

Cats is the only good movie, a position I plan to confirm once I sit down and actually watch it at some point in the next two to two hundred weeks.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Matthew McConaughey, play virtual Battleship with me

Well, Matthew McConaughey hosted a virtual bingo game for seniors in Texas. It happened. There are news articles about it and everything. Like this one.

A video posted to the living facility’s Facebook page showed McConaughey cheering on bingo winners. “During a time when we are all working to make lemonade out of lemons, we are so humbled that Matthew took the time to play our favorite game with us,” employees at the living facility wrote. “As Matthew would say, let’s turn this red light into a green light!”

This is very nice and very sweet and very cool and it makes me so angry I might heave my computer on the floor. Play games with ME, Matthew! I’m bored, too. You pick the game. I offered Battleship but we can play whatever you want. Trivial Pursuit? I am very good at Trivial Pursuit. Scrabble? Come get your whooping, buddy. I am very competitive and have a lot of free time on the weekends now. The challenge has been leveled. Ball’s in your court.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Rich:

With Bosch coming back next week, I have to ask you about Bosch’s house. It’s so cool, right? Of all the houses I see on television with regularity, that’s the one I’m most jealous of. Maybe it’s just the view out his glass wall. I want to sit there with a book and a glass of scotch and stare out at the city all night. What do you think? How much do you want to live in that Bosch house?

Rich brings up an excellent point. Bosch does have a cool house, one he purchased with the proceeds of a movie deal based on a case of his. It’s way up in the Los Angeles hills and it does have that killer view of the city below and I wanted to live in it very much UNTIL I saw this shot of it from another angle.

No. No thank you. No thank you at all. I do not want to live in a stilt house built into a mountain in an earthquake-prone region of the world. I would be stressed out all the time. I’m stressed out now just thinking about it. I want to live in a house that has all of its floor firmly attached to the ground, not by stilts. This is my request. I consider it very reasonable.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To New York City!

“The risk is serious,” said Steve Keller, a museum security consultant who has worked with the National Gallery of Art, the Smithsonian Institution and others. “Thieves might think the museums are in a weakened condition and that increases the threat.”

Is it weird that a combination of museum closings and the rise in people wearing bandanas over the face made me immediately jump to “this is the perfect time for a heist”? It’s weird, right? You can tell me. I know my brain is hopelessly ruined. It is true, though. As this article elaborates.

Last week burglars broke into a small museum in the Netherlands that had closed because of the coronavirus and absconded with an early van Gogh painting, “The Parsonage Garden at Nuenen in Spring.” Police responding to the museum’s alarm found a shattered glass door and a bare spot on the wall where the painting had been.

Look, I’m not saying any of you should steal a valuable painting or handful of jewels from an empty understaffed museum right now. That would be wrong. You should not steal, in general, and you should especially not take advantage of a pandemic to steal. But if you were already planning on stealing a valuable painting or a handful of jewels, if I can’t dissuade you at all, there’s certainly a worse time to do it. That’s all I’m saying. But don’t do it. And don’t tell anyone I told you this. And don’t ask where I was this weekend if a valuable painting or handful of jewels go missing. Am I making this clear enough? I think I am.

For the duration of the pandemic, Mr. Keller said, museums should assume that they would be in permanent “night mode,” relying on security measures that are generally in place when institutions close for the evening.

Limber up, folks. We have lasers to dance through.

If we do this.

Which we shouldn’t.

WINK.