Category: Viral

The idea of drinking tequila straight is a touchy subject for some American drinkers. They have… whatever college-aged stigmas they have about shooting the cheaper incarnations of this agave-based spirit. Frankly, we’re not going to dignify those haters with a response. There are myriad high-quality, deeply-memorable tequilas perfect for slow sipping on the market. Any alcohol aficionado could tell you that.

If you actually take the time to taste good tequila, you’ll notice a number of common flavor profiles, including agave-driven sweetness, a muted sense of vegetal grassiness, charred wood, rich caramel, and toasted vanilla. The last flavor note is where we’re turning our attention today. Like all aged spirits, tequila gains most of its rich flavor — besides the initial agave flavors — from the maturation process. The longer it spends in a barrel (and the more the cell walls of the wood break down), the more pronounced the flavors of oak, caramel, and vanilla become.

Below you’ll find eight añejo (literally “vintage”) tequilas that are absolute vanilla bombs. Click their prices if you want to pick one up for yourself.

Casa Noble Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $56.99

The Story:

This triple distilled, sustainably created, 100% Blue Weber agave tequila is well-known for the little bit extra work that goes into it. Instead of simply spending a year maturing in new French oak barrels, this añejo spends a full two years aging. The result is a complex, flavorful tequila just as well suited for sipping neat as it is in your favorite cocktail.

Tasting Notes:

On the nose, you’ll be greeted with aromas of sweet, smoky agave, caramel, and vanilla beans. Taking a sip opens up the flavors of toffee candy, vegetal sweetness, brown sugar, and sweet cream. The finish is long, warming, and ends with a nice balance of wood char and raisins.

Bottom Line:

The extra year aging really adds to the overall vanilla flavor of this exceptional tequila. While it works well in cocktails, we prefer to drink it neat or on the rocks.

El Tesoro Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $56.99

The Story:

This award-winning, 100% Blue Weber agave añejo tequila is a little different than many of the others on the market. That’s because, not only does El Tesoro age this expression for two to three years, it’s matured in ex-bourbon casks. The result is a rich, bold, truly unique flavor experience.

Tasting Notes:

Take a moment to breathe in the aromas of wildflowers, sweet agave, charred oak, and caramel. The palate swirls with subtle cracked black pepper, toasted vanilla beans, dried fruits, and more ripe agave. It all ends with a final flourish of sweet vanilla and toffee.

Bottom Line:

This is a perfect añejo tequila for bourbon fans who want an easy entrance into the world of tequila. Wade into the añejo with a glass of this vanilla and caramel bomb. You’ll be happy you did.

Herradura Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $51

The Story:

According to legend (and verifiable historical documentation), Herradura was the first distillery to ever make añejo tequila. This was in 1962 and in the years since, they’ve perfected it. Aged in White American Oak casks for a full 25 months, this expression is mellow, nuanced, and filled with ripe fruit and vanilla flavors.

Tasting Notes:

Before sipping, take a moment to fill your nostrils with the scents of cooked agave, charred wood, butterscotch, and subtle pepper. Take a sip and be transported to a world of raisins, cinnamon, wood char, sweet agave, and vanilla beans. The finish is warming, sweet, and incredibly memorable.

Bottom Line:

If you’re new to añejo tequila, you have to grab a bottle of Herradura. Why not start at the beginning, right?

Casamigos Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $60

The Story:

When Casamigos first hit the market, it seemed like yet another celebrity-driven brand. But it’s so much more than just “George Clooney’s tequila.” Made from 100% Blue Weber agave its añejo is distilled using purified water from the onsite well before being aged for 14 months in American White Oak casks.

Tasting Notes:

On the nose, you’ll find aromas of charred wood, caramel candy, pepper, and a nice floral backbone. Take a sip and find yourself immersed in flavors like buttery vanilla, spicy cracked black pepper, vegetal sweetness, and toffee. It all ends with a combination of buttercream frosting, herbs, and subtle spices.

Bottom Line:

This tequila might be younger than some of the other añejos. But what it lacks in age, it makes up for with a full, rich flavor profile.

Gran Centenario Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $35

The Story:

Gran Centenario was created in 1857 by a former tavern owner named Lázaro Gallardo. Many believe that he’s the first tequila master distiller in history. Carrying on his tradition, Gran Centenario’s contemporary Añejo is made from 100% Blue Weber agave before being aged in new American oak casks.

Tasting Notes:

Give this tequila a patient nosing and you’ll find scents of cocoa powder, vanilla, charred oak, and a pleasant nutty sweetness. On the palate, you’ll find cooked agave, subtle cracked black pepper, brown sugar, and vanilla beans. The finish is mellow, soft, and ends with a nice kick of buttery caramel.

Bottom Line:

This historical brand is surprisingly cheap. It actually might be the best tequila on this list if what you value most is flavor to price ratio.

Cincoro Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $131

The Story:

Cincoro is another celebrity brand and that might turn off some people. But this brand, founded by Michael Jordan and various other celebrities in the sports world, is much more than just glamour. This 100% Blue Weber agave is a great example. This double-distilled tequila was aged between 24 and 28 months in barrels that formerly held American whisky.

Tasting Notes:

On the nose, you’ll find milk chocolate, baked agave, subtle pepper, and vanilla beans. Drinking this tequila opens up flavors of fresh-cut grass, dried orange peels, buttercream, and subtle wood char. The ending is sweet, warming, and finishes with a final flourish of toffee candy.

Bottom Line:

Don’t be wary of the celebrities behind this brand. It’s a great tequila for fans of vanilla, regardless of whether or not his Royal Airness is behind it.

Código 1530 Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $119

The Story:

Produced in the town of Amatitán in the tequila-producing state of Jalisco, Código 1530 Añejo is made from 100% Blue Weber agaves that were allowed to grow for seven years. While other brands aged their tequilas in White American Oak and even ex-bourbon barrels, Código 1530 Añejo gets its flavor from maturing in cabernet sauvignon French white oak barrels from Napa, California for 18 months.

Tasting Notes:

On the nose, you’ll find aromas of spicy pepper, dried fruits, and clover honey. The palate is filled with notes of sour cherries, buttery toffee, caramel apples, subtle pepper, and vanilla beans. The finish is long, mellow, and easy to drink with notes of vanilla and caramel.

Bottom Line:

While this tequila carries a similar flavor profile to many of the other tequilas on this list, the addition of French oak gives it a fruitier, more vanilla-filled flavor than most añejos.

Patrón Añejo

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $60

The Story:

When it comes to big names in the tequila world, it’s hard to beat Patrón. But don’t shy away from this Goliath brand. You’ll be missing out on a great expression. Made using the traditional Tahona method — where the agaves are crushed using a massive stone — this expression is aged in smaller than normal white oak casks for 12-15 months.

Tasting Notes:

Take a moment to breathe in the scents of dried fruits, orange peels, charred wood, and vanilla beans. On the palate, you’ll find flavors of raisins, vegetal sweetness, manuka honey, and creamy vanilla. It all ends with a nice combination of toffee candy and subtle spice.

Bottom Line:

Don’t be turned off by the big name. This tequila has everything a vanilla fan could want. It’s mellow, bursting with flavor, and easy to sip.

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As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.

Rudy Giuliani was raided by the FBI earlier this week, and on Thursday night he was interviewed on Fox News and essentially wondered why agents didn’t take more of his stuff. The bizarre segment on Tucker Carlson’s show is the latest attempt to spin the investigation into Donald Trump’s former personal attorney as a vast conspiracy against anyone who is not Joe Biden.

The raid, which took several electronic devices from Giuliani’s home, was reportedly part of an investigation into business dealings in Ukraine that ultimately led to Trump’s first impeachment. But Carlson and Giuliani did their best on Thursday to make this part of the Hunter Biden conspiracy that Trump pursued to his detriment in the phone call that got Trump impeached.

Carlson started the segment by reminding viewers that three Trump lawyers have been raided by the FBI, framing it as a conspiracy against the former president. But getting a search warrant from a judge isn’t exactly easy and requires strong suspicion that a crime has been committed. Regardless, the interview Giuliani gives details what happened, which is that several FBI agents conducted an early-morning raid where his electronics were taken.

Giuliani repeated a claim in the interview that he had used earlier in the week, that he had “Hunter Biden’s hard drives” and lamented that the agents didn’t want to take them. He also bizarrely disparaged his own credibility in a number of ways.

“They also were completely content to rely on my word that these were Hunter Biden’s hard drives,” Giuliani said. “I mean, they could have been Donald Trump’s. They could have been Vladimir Putin’s. They could have been anybody’s. But they relied on me, the man that had to be raided in the morning.”

It’s a bizarre interview to say the least, with Giuliani somehow claiming agents were biased in their search, admitting at times that he could have destroyed evidence and fumbling over his words.

“It’s like projections, they’re the ones committing the crimes,” Giuliani said before trailing off and waiting for Carlson to ask more questions.

The rest of the interview has some truly wild accusations in it, both against Hunter and Joe Biden and the legal system in general. But if your best defense after the FBI raids you is ‘they didn’t take enough of my stuff’ that’s probably not the best legal standing to start from.

It’s been an up and down season for Kevin Porter Jr., who was dealt from the Cleveland Cavaliers to the Houston Rockets in January. Porter Jr. began to rebuild his value with an impressive showing in the G League bubble, but on Wednesday, the NBA also announced that he was fined $50,000 for violating the league’s health and safety protocols. However, Porter Jr. flashed his considerable upside on the floor Thursday, putting together a history-making performance in a 143-136 win over the Milwaukee Bucks.

Porter Jr., who entered the night averaging 15.2 points and 6.2 assists per game in 22 appearances for the Rockets, started hot on Thursday. He produced 18 points and seven assists in 19 first-half minutes and, if that was the most impressive thing about his showing, it would have been quite a notable performance. The former USC standout wasn’t close to done, though, as Porter Jr. absolutely exploded in the second half, scoring 32 points on 10-of-16 shooting and 6-of-9 from three-point range.

By the end of the night, he had 50 points (on 16-of-26 shooting with 9-of-15 from three and 9-of-11 from the free throw line) and he added 11 assists for good measure.

Talent has never been the question for Porter Jr., who has the entire package of creation skills that any team would be in search of in the modern game. Beyond that, he is just 20 years old and, with this performance, Porter Jr. set a new standard as the youngest player in league history to reach 50 points and 10 assists in a single game.

Porter Jr.’s explosion should come with the caveats of an offense-first league environment, a Bucks team that lost Giannis Antetokounmpo for the night after less than one minute, and a late-April point on the calendar that lends itself to weirdness. At the same time, nothing about his overall skill package screams “fluke” in this instance, and this kind of individual showing can’t be overlooked.

The Chicago Bears entered the 2021 NFL Draft without their quarterback of the future on the roster after moving on from Mitchell Trubisky. Chicago moved to add Andy Dalton as a veteran stop-gap but, despite their insistence on proclaiming him as “QB1” in the offseason, the Bears needed a plan for the long term. The issue, at least on paper, was that Chicago began the draft with the No. 20 pick, and it is challenging to find “the guy” at that slot in the first round. The Bears solved that problem with a draft-night move, though, sending multiple picks to the New York Giants to acquire the No. 11 pick and select Ohio State quarterback Justin Fields.

The price was lofty for Chicago, sending their No. 20 pick, their first round pick in 2022, their 2021 fifth round pick (164 overall) and their 2022 fourth round pick to New York to move up nine spots. Still, that is the kind of haul often required to find a centerpiece-level quarterback, and Fields has off-the-charts talent.

Fields emerged as a top-two prospect, alongside Trevor Lawrence, coming out of high school and after a transfer from Georgia, Fields was tremendous at Ohio State. As such, it was at least a mild surprise that he was even available at the No. 11 pick.

Ultimately, Fields became the fourth quarterback off the board behind Lawrence, Zach Wilson and Trey Lance, but he is a top-level talent that is worthy of this kind of swing from the Bears. Chicago’s front office is putting itself on the line with all kinds of pressure after the way the Trubisky experiment went, but the upside is considerable and this makes all the sense in the world.

This year’s NFL Draft was a mixture of a normal draft and last year’s virtual draft, as some top prospects like Trevor Lawrence, Penei Sewell, and Justin Fields stayed at home to watch the draft with their families, while others were in the green room in Cleveland for the festivities.

The reaction of players to getting drafted and fulfilling their lifelong dreams is always one of the best parts of watching the draft, whether it be at home or with the family allowed into the green room. Usually that involves a lot of hugs, handshakes, and maybe some tears, before they get ready to step out to the stage to get their hat and jersey. However, when Jaylen Waddle of Alabama was taken by the Dolphins, reuniting him with former Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa, he had a very different reaction that caught the eye of the internet.

The angle from the ESPN broadcast was even funnier, as you see Waddle’s entire family explode in celebration as he simply stands up, turns from them, and walks out to go to the stage.

The video quickly went viral as fans couldn’t stop laughing at his incredibly cool reaction to being drafted and just kind of ghosting his family in the process to go dap up his former Alabama teammates as he strolled to the stage.

Now, ESPN would later show a shot of Waddle after he had gotten the call getting hugs in his chair from the family, so there was a celebration he took part in, but this is still a hilarious and legendary move.

Matt Gaetz has denied his reported sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl, but apparently he doesn’t need to confess to anything because his confidant in illicit activities may have spilled the beans for him. Joel Greenberg, the disgraced former Orlando, Florida-area tax collector whose shady behavior got Gaetz embroiled in a federal investigation for a variety of alleged activities, apparently confessed to having sex with an underage girl and alleged that Gaetz did the same in a lengthy confession letter while trying to seek a pardon from the Trump White House.

According to a bombshell report from The Daily Beast, Gaetz’s friend and apparent co-conspirator actually wrote the confession letter that revealed details of criminal activities in an effort to get Trump lackey Roger Stone to help him secure a pardon before Trump left office.

“On more than one occasion, this individual was involved in sexual activities with several of the other girls, the congressman from Florida’s 1st Congressional District and myself,” Greenberg wrote in reference to the 17-year-old. “From time to time, gas money or gifts, rent or partial tuition payments were made to several of these girls, including the individual who was not yet 18. I did see the acts occur firsthand and Venmo transactions, Cash App or other payments were made to these girls on behalf of the Congressman.”

The letter, which The Daily Beast recently obtained, was written after Greenberg asked Roger Stone to help him secure a pardon from then-President Donald Trump.

The details of the letter are nearly as bizarre as the circumstances for which it was created and, later, found. Stone, who isn’t in jail because he got a pardon from Trump, was apparently communicating with Greenberg through an encrypted messaging app to negotiate the deal. But Greenberg reportedly took screenshots of those otherwise untraceable messages, and somehow did not get rid of drafts of the letter.

As part of the effort to obtain a pardon, Greenberg wrote multiple drafts of his confession letter. The Daily Beast obtained two typed versions and an earlier handwritten one. Certified forensic document examiner and handwriting expert Wendy Carlson compared the letter to writing samples obtained through two public records requests. She said it was her professional expert opinion that the person who authored a 2019 financial disclosure for Joel Greenberg, as well as Greenberg’s 2020 board of elections form, was the same as the author of the letter.

“The person who authored the forms has been identified as the person who authored the letter,” Carlson said.

Stone also reportedly denied to The Daily Beast that he asked for payment for his help, but their reporting clearly shows otherwise.

“I hope you are prepared to wire me $250,000 because I am feeling confident,” Stone apparently wrote to Greenberg on Jan. 13, a week after the riot at the US Capitol and days before Trump’s final flurry of pardons that did not include either Greenberg or Gaetz.

The full report had plenty of details about both the letter and communications between Stone and Greenberg for his ill-fated attempt to get a pardon. That letter also apparently included what happened when Greenberg found out the woman they both were having a sexual relationship was not of legal age.

“Immediately I called the congressman and warned him to stay clear of this person and informed him she was underage,” Greenberg wrote. “He was equally shocked and disturbed by this revelation.”

Greenberg continued in the handwritten draft that he “confronted” the then-17-year-old and explained to her “how serious of a situation this was, how many people she put in danger.”

“She apologized and recognized that by lying about her age, she endangered many people,” he continued. “There was no further contact with this individual until after her 18th birthday.”

It’s a bizarre string of new details in the case to say the least, and another connection between Gaetz and his friend Greenberg and the weird orbit of the Trump White House. Though neither Gaetz or Greenberg got a pardon out of the mess, their attempts to do so may be a big reason the public finds out more concrete details of the federal investigation into Gaetz and the crimes that Greenberg has apparently admitted to committing with his friend.

Oh, did we mention that Greenberg is reportedly snitching to the Feds on Gaetz in exchange for leniency? Yes, Matt Gaetz appears to be very, very screwed.

[via The Daily Beast]

This week on Top Chef, it was time to celebrate both Portland’s designation as “The City Of Roses” — that classic nickname for Portland that we all know and use that was officially adopted in 2003 — and moms! Because it’s almost Mother’s Day, you see. And because there’s nothing my mom loves more than sinking her teeth into a juicy bouquet of Mother’s Day roses, the contestants’ challenge was to incorporate roses into a quickfire challenge dish that paid tribute to their mothers. Yum, flowers!

But first, Top Chef contestant and quickfire challenge guest judge Amar Santana showed the contestants how it’s done by incorporating roses into his pants:

Somewhere off screen, Richard Blaise shed a single tear. “B-b-but being jaunty was my thing…”

After that, as if trying to incorporate rose into a dish wasn’t an arbitrary enough test of a chef’s skills, it was time for the Top Chef Drive-In challenge! In two teams, the contestants squared off in one-on-one rounds, cooking movie drive-in food tailored to a genre — comedy, drama, sci-fi, or horror. Christ, I thought making food “sexy” was hard. Imagine trying to cook 50 portions of something that is both “dramatic” and suitable to be eaten in a car.

Voila! It’s a play on smoked Milk Duds!

Both rounds involved the chefs having to stretch the theme to its breaking point in order to tie it back to food. Byron apparently did it right when he cooked “something fresh” in the rose challenge as a tribute to his mom’s “fresh start” as an immigrant in America. Gabriel apparently did it wrong when he tried to say his cauliflower tots with two dipping sauces represented “action.” Because of the “action” of dipping, which was also a “choose your own adventure.” I tend to think a thematic stretch is acceptable in direct proportion to how good the actual food is.

Yet those Top Chef producers are crazy like a fox because this convoluted impossible challenge did make for some great TV. Padma even got to act a little, in some Oscars-esque interstitial sketches introducing each round, like the Vanna White of Top Chef. So refreshing that the famous supermodel is finally getting a little screen time.

Both of these challenges were both weird and hard, and, as such, they played hell on these rankings. Almost everyone I had as a favorite after last week ate turds in either the quickfire or the elimination challenge this week, and all of last week’s underdogs shat roses in same. Honestly, you could just draw a big X over all the names and write “pick ’em” after this week. Nonetheless, I went with my gut, shot from the hip, gripped and ripped it, and what have you, in order to come up with this unimpeachable scientific analysis of basic cable food television. We can’t choose our gifts in this life, our gifts choose us.

RESULTS:

Quickfire Bottom: Maria, Sara, Nelson.
Quickfire Top: Byron, Chris*, Gabe. (*winner)

Elimination Top: Byron*, Avishar, Dawn, Maria.
Eliminated: Jamie.

POWER RANKINGS

11. (-2) ((Eliminated)) Jamie Tran

Aka: Splat. Police Academy. Womp Womp.

Poor Jamie, eliminated juuuust before her inability to converse in anything but sound effects became endearing (I assume). It seemed Jamie’s biggest sin this week was letting her teammates walk all over her. “Just do another chicken wing dish,” they said. “Don’t fry the chicken so long,” they said.

Both of which turned out to be bad ideas, when Jamie served up a not-crispy chicken wing, a mortal chef sin. It was a bit of a shame, since chicken wings seem like solid drive-in food, and Jamie’s point that chickens are a weirdly consistent staple of comedy (rubber chickens, why did the chicken cross the road, etc) was actually low-key astute and insightful. Even if Jamie’s attempt to articulate this was about as lucid as an armpit fart.

ALSO — I would argue that Jamie was partly responsible for Byron’s win. She connected “chicken” to “comedy,” while Byron never even verbalized the high-larious pun (Korean Fried Chicken) that made his dish “comedy” in the first place. But because Jamie put the idea that chickens = comedy into everyone’s heads, Byron didn’t have to. Sad times for Jamie. That being said, her going home saves us who knows how many more episodes of having to pretend the sound effects thing is a hilariously endearing quirk.

Notable Critique: “A limp, rubbery chicken dish.”

10. (even) Nelson German

AKA: Papa Bear. Cardio.

Nelson landed in the bottom three in the quickfire before roaring back in the elimination round, by conceptualizing a dish to fit the theme arguably better than anyone. His flying saucer-shaped pupusa, for the sci-fi round, an “Unidentified Dominican Object,” as he called it, was so good that it even beat Avishar’s equally conceptually successful frozen s’mores. Yet even after that I’m sort of at a loss to figure out who he should leapfrog in these rankings. Someone, probably…

Notable Critique: “I’d like to buy a dozen of these.”

9. (-2) Maria Mazon

AKA: Gas Can. Backdraft. Tammy Faye. James Brown. Buns.

Seems like Maria spent almost this entire episode with her mascara smeared, either from crying about almost going home in the previous episode, or from the insane amount of effort she put in for her elimination challenge dish. It was truly a dish after my own heart when the hardest-working chef in show business chose to make a Sonoran hot dog (I can’t even calculate the amount of money I’ve spent on these over the years) for 50 people, for which she hand-made her own sausage and buns. This was to fit “action,” because they’re what you eat on the way home from the bars when you’re trying to get some “action,” Maria explained. More accurately, I feel like they’re more what you eat when you fail to get some action after a night out at the bars, but that’s just picking nits. And also maybe projecting.

In any case, it was truly an insane amount of effort, and for a thematically clever, contextually appropriate dish. And she ended up losing to… f*ckin’ Korean fried chicken!? I demand a recount!

I don’t know whether to move Maria up 10 slots for that dish or to drop her down for the fact that she didn’t win for something everyone was so clearly impressed by.

8. (-2) Chris Viaud

AKA: Stretch. Butter. Kelso.

My man Chris won the quickfire challenge with his Haitian porridge and it turned out he needed that immunity in the elimination round. This when he turned in a rib dish so mediocre that he actually lost to a duo of popcorn. Damn, dog, you really lost to popcorn. This was for the “drama” round, by the way. I enjoyed that Chris made the case that “I think ribs are dramatic” without elaborating in any way. That’s a power move right there.

Notable Critique: “This is so messy. It’s the first dish and my buttons are already sticky.”

7. (+1) Byron Gomez

AKA: Manolo. Burger King. Goldblum.

I’ve been saying Byron needed to show me something and this week he did, with a top three finish in the quickfire and a win in the elimination round. It’s truly impressive that he cooked “something fresh” as a tribute to his mom’s “fresh start” in America, and then “Korean fried chicken because comedy,” and not one judge said “I dunno, seems like kind of a stretch, bro.”

He didn’t even say “Korean fried chicken” when he introduced the dish, which was the whole “joke,” if it can be called that. I mean I guess it is sort of a play on words, which is adjacent to a pun, and puns are arguably in the vicinity of jokes. I’m going to nickname Byron “Goldblum,” after Jeff Goldblum’s character in Independence Day, who used exactly that kind of lateral thinking to give the aliens a computer virus.

That must’ve been some damned fine chicken though. Impressive that a concept and dish so straightforward could beat a totally-from-scratch Sonoran hotdog.

Notable Critique: “This was crispy and flavorful.”

6. (-2) Gabriel Pascuzzi

AKA: Patriarchy. Evil Gabe. Chad. Bluto. Mr. Mackie. The Noodge.

This week Evil Gabe remained the show’s villain, but revealed some hidden layers, when he admitted that he was dedicating his Mother’s Day dish to his sister, rather than his mother, with whom he apparently has a difficult relationship. He made some kind of crudo/ceviche dish because “When she was pregnant, all my sister wanted to eat was raw fish.”

Uh, come again? Isn’t raw fish the exact thing you’re supposed to not eat while pregnant? I’ll leave that debate for the food scientists, but meanwhile, Gabriel’s choice to make a cauliflower tot in the elimination round, because the action of dipping into one of two sauces represented “choose your own adventure,” seemed even more dubious. The judges were skeptical, probably because it didn’t taste very good. As someone probably once said, “thematically weak and poorly executed is no way to go through life.”

Also, cauliflower tots? Come on, man! Buffalo cauliflower, which I actually have eaten in a movie theater (yes it was a Drafthouse) was right there! You could be all like “Hey, I made this Buffalo cauliflower to represent action, because this one time I got some action in Buffalo.”

I’m a freak / I like the girls with the boom / I once got busy in a Buffalo bathroom. -Shock G, RIP

Notable Critique: “Gummy and salty.”

5. (+6) Avishar Barua

AKA: Milhouse. Chillhouse. Thrillhouse. American Pie. The Carbonator. Portmanteau. OH.

Thank God roses weren’t a Top Chef sponsor, or else we might never have heard Avishar bitch about how much he hates rose-flavored food. It was nice to hear, because honestly I don’t think I know anyone who loves rose-flavored food. Seems like a thing you either hate or are mostly indifferent to.

After that, Avishar took the sci-fi round and was inspired to create an entire backstory about how he was some alien who came to Earth and wanted to eat frozen s’mores or some shit. “Star s’mores,” as he called it at one point. In concrete terms, this basically meant that Avishar went back to the liquid nitrogen well. Turns out Avishar used to work under Wiley Dufresne at WD50, so there’s a reason he knows his way around space food. “He’s like a real nerd,” said Gail.

Injury was added to insult when Avishar managed to lose his sci-fi round to Nelson’s UDO, much to Tom Colicchio’s chagrin. Tom loved Avishar’s frozen s’more. Poor Avishar. He did the alien voice and everything!

Notable Critiques: “Avishar just nailed that.” “He’s like… a real nerd.”

4. (-1) Sara Hauman

AKA: Tails. Yogurt. Portlandia. Trapper Keeper. Manic Pixie Cream Sauce. Fiddlesticks.

Poor Sara saw all the big kids crushing it on the mic with their cool stories and puns and sex jokes and characters and she decided to give it a go herself. She introduced her milkshake. “Now that the drive-in is almost over I’m sure there’s still a lingering question, your place or is it mine?” Which went over about as well as this Padma screencap would indicate:

This was for Sara’s “your place or mine” milkshake, which she presented for the “romance” round. And in so doing she managed to conflate the 1950s ideal of sweethearts sharing a two-strawed milkshake and deciding whose house to have sex at. Perfect for the contestant who’s always censoring her own swear words! And just to make sure we know that Sara is a Portlandia character come to life, the milkshake had “miso whip.” Hey, just put some Fruit Loops on it, right? Needs more matcha dust.

Sara still managed to win this round, on account of she was going against Gabe, who served people churros and liver. Is Sara still a favorite or have the judges gotten fed up with her bullshit? It’s honestly hard to tell.

3. (+2) Dawn Burrell

AKA: Hothead. ‘Sheed. Legs. Breaking Dawn. Milk Carton.

Dawn hasn’t been getting much screen time or gotten many big wins lately, but it’s hard to remember the last time she made something bad. This episode, she made a fennel rosewater fritter (which looked weird yet good) and in the elimination round managed to beat Chris’s rib with a god damned duo of popcorn. Popcorn! Not only did Dawn win with popcorn, she managed to convince the judges that serving popcorn at a drive-in movie counted as “drama.” That’s not just mastery, it’s practically sorcery. I would have Dawn ranked at number one, except that I can’t quite justify it for a chef who served popcorn.

Notable Critique: “They had four hours to cook and Dawn made us… popcorn?”

2. (even) Shota Nakajima

AKA: Beavis.

This was certainly a down week for Shota, who received some of the most brutal critiques of any contestant this season. Mostly though, he became a textbook example of When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong. Shota had “horror,” see, and what people occasionally misunderstand about horror is that they think it’s meant to actually be horrific. The truth is, horror movies are escapist — you get to pretend to be afraid of ghosts or creepy dolls or gypsy curses for two hours, to distract you from actually scary things like your mortality and the sense that existence is ultimately meaningless and so forth.

Thus, Shota embarked upon a horror challenge by describing a thing that actually scares him, the idea of something happening to his dog. Ah yes, no better way to whet people’s appetites than having them picture a dead dog! Shota even named the dog! He then served them a black corn dog with cheese inside and a bloody-red sauce, in order that they could better imagine the charred, bloody, pustulent corpse of Shota’s beloved pet dog, Dodger, if it had been horribly mangled in an accident and left to rot on the side of the road. Holy shit, man.

This was a bad idea for food, but Andy Kaufman-level genius as performance art. Even the judges were kind of like “this is disgusting, but I respect it.”

Speaking of which, I’m not futzing with Shota’s ranking too much this week, because how much can you knock a guy for getting too carried away with the challenge?

Notable Critiques: ““This does not look appetizing to me.” “It’s indescribable.” “I couldn’t finish it.”

1. (even) Gabe Erales

AKA: Good Gabe. Canelo. Fozzy. The Foz. Masa Father. Jamón.

Oh Gabe. Gabe went full ham mode (jamón mode?) this week introducing his dish, a bloody seafood cocktail served with crackers, meant to represent horror, and the crowd ate it up. Thus proving Gabe may have a viable second career in acting or voice over. Unfortunately, the dish itself went over like a lead balloon and almost lost him his day job in the process.

It was so bad that Gabe actually lost to Shota’s imaginary dead dog cheese disaster. Turns out, a bad seafood cocktail on Saltines does not make a good dish (if it had been Maria she would’ve at least made her own Saltines from scratch. And came in third). I’ve always said that comedy is what you do when you’re bad at everything else, and Gabe proved that even the reverse is true: being momentarily good at comedy will even make you bad at things you were previously good at.

Gabe also sort of took ownership over his team’s team dessert, a churro that for some reason Gabe decided should be served with chicken liver mousse. This meant to illustrate “romance.” This may be the single most ill-conceived dish I’ve seen since I’ve been covering this show.

But like I said, these rankings were a gut decision, and after Gabe’s top finish in the quickfire and general on-a-rollness lately, I’m thinking he merely got all his bad decisions out of his system in one go and managed to not go home for it, which only bodes well for him.

Notable Critique: “I wish this dish was as good as his delivery.”

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Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.

It’s been two months since Lady Gaga’s dog walker Ryan Fischer was shot while he walked the singer’s French bulldogs, named Koji and Gustav, who were stolen after the shooting. The bizarre incident occurred in the Hollywood area, and luckily for the singer’s dog walker, he recovered from the gunshot wounds but unfortunately had a lung removed in the process.

The dogs were later found tied to a pole in an alley by a woman who claimed to have recognized them due to media coverage of the incident. According to a new report from Billboard, however, who received word from the Los Angeles Police Department, this woman was allegedly involved in dognapping and shooting.

On Thursday, multiple arrests were made in connection to the February incident. The following five individuals are currently in LAPD custody: James Jackson (18), Jaylin White (19), Lafayette Whaley (27), Harold White (40), and Jennifer McBride (50). Jackson, Jaylin White, and Whaley were each charged with one count of attempted murder and robbery while White and McBride were each charged with one count of accessory to attempted murder.

Billboard reports that McBride was the woman who returned the dogs to LAPD’s Olympic Community Police Station on February 26 in hopes of claiming the $500,000 reward that Lady Gaga offered for the dogs’ return. Despite the singer initially saying she’d “gladly” reward McBride for returning her dogs, the LAPD apparently told Gaga to hold off on the payment. Which, if the charges hold up, turned out to be great advice.

Earlier today, Netflix dropped the first trailer for Sweet Tooth, a DC Comics-based science-fiction series headed to the streaming service in just over a month. While the name might ring a bell for more avid readers, there’s no denying Sweet Tooth is a bit more niche than the comics folks have come to associate with powerhouse publisher DC Comics and their former imprint Vertigo. However, if there’s something the comic book movie craze has taught us, it’s that lesser known does not mean lesser quality, and ventures into these smaller properties can offer fans an exciting chance to discover stories previously unheard.

While we plan on letting Sweet Tooth do most of the talking when it hits Netflix on June 4, here is a bit more about the series to clear up any questions you might have now and get you even more hyped for the “Max Max meets Bambi” adventure.

Created by comic book writer Jeff Lemire — who is known for his work across both Marvel and DC Comics — Sweet Tooth is a post-apocalyptic series that ran from 2009 to 2013 and spanned 40 issues. The comics follow a young boy named Gus (later given the titular nickname, “Sweet Tooth”) who was born just a bit different looking than his parents: half-deer, to be precise. We come to find out that Gus isn’t the only animal-human hybrid, but is rather just one of many children faced with the same unusual condition. At the same this is happening, a plague is beginning to wipe out mankind, and many scientists believe the children might have something to do with it.

After a tragic occurrence at home, Gus is forced to leave his secluded Nebraska home (which looks significantly more Pacific-Northwest in the show) and team up with Tommy Jepperd as he faces hunters, scientists, and betrayal. While wide-eyed Gus and charming scenery might make this story seem a bit lighthearted and fanciful, Sweet Tooth is anything but, at times becoming extremely dark, bloody, and bleak. While the whole aforementioned “Mad Max meets Bambi” description fits pretty well, the gamers out there might feel the series invokes some real The Last of Us vibes — a property that’s also getting the streaming service treatment here soon.

With Robert and Susan Downey producing, Jim Mickle directing, and a cast featuring Nonso Anozie, Will Forte, Adeel Akhtar, James Brolin, and newcomer Christian Convery, Sweet Tooth is looking to be a sweet time — when it’s not being incredibly sad, that is. Pending any delays, the show is set to hit Netflix on June 4th.

NFL Draft night has become quite the spectacle ever since the league moved the first round to primetime on Thursday, allowing the best and brightest prospects to get the spotlight all to themselves, before the later rounds on Friday and Saturday. As such, Draft night fashion has become as big for players as, say, award show fashion is for actors and actresses in Hollywood.

Players make sure to look their best and show a little personality with their outfits, whether that be with a flashy suit, shoes, or jewelry. Custom chains, suits, four-figure shoes and more have become commonplace, so it really takes something special to stand out at this point, but Patrick Surtain II managed to do just that. The Alabama cornerback and son of former NFL DB Patrick Surtain is set to hear his name called on Thursday night in the first round, potentially in the top 10-15 picks.

Surtain showed off his Draft night fit to Tyler Tynes and GQ Sports, embracing his PS2 initials with the best chain in Draft history — an iced out PlayStation 2 controller (that lights up) with Surtain written on it made by Leo Frost.

It is a truly incredible piece and the most creative use of one’s initials in some time — the initial + number formula has been used for ages, but in this case Surtain spins it into something far better than just a chain that reads “PS2” or something. A PS2 controller charm (even if it’s a later model controller, who cares) is truly legendary, and while we’ll have to wait a few more hours to find out where Surtain is going to be starting his NFL career, he’s already won Draft night.