CBS All Access’ reboot of Stephen King’s The Stand is a mostly successful one and feels like an unlikely part of the antidote to this hellish year. However, there’s one group of people that isn’t too thrilled over a casting decision. The Deaf community is calling for a boycott of the Josh Boone-directed limited series, given that the show cast Henry Zaga, a hearing actor, to portray Deaf character (written as “deaf-mute” by King in his novel) Nick Andros, a member of the Boulder Free Zone.
The Hollywood Reporter reveals details of a statement from 70 signatories, who are calling the casting decision “not acceptable.” It’s not a new controversy, either, given that (in August 2019) model Nyle DiMarco expressed his anger over the casting of Zaga as Andros, which he believes is continuing evidence that “Hollywood takes pride in diversity to ensure representation & authenticity.., BUT CONTINUES TO EXCLUDE people with disabilities.” At the time, DiMarco said that his attempts at outreach on the issue (which he stated had begun two years prior, because he wanted to circumvent this role going to a hearing actor) went ignored. Fast forward to 2020, and the group of Deaf signatories quoted by THR are calling for a boycott:
“We will not endorse, watch, or support your miniseries on CBS All Access. We will share our displeasure of the casting decision and airing of the miniseries on CBS All Access with our Deaf community, signing community, friends, and family of Deaf individuals; together we make up 466 million worldwide.”
In conjunction with this letter, a #Standagainstthestand hashtag is trending, and users are stressing the importance of authenticity (as in, casting Deaf actors in Deaf roles) and representation.
The currently circulating letter further claims that “not one Deaf professional actor was called in to audition for the role.” Although this claim has not been fully corroborated, THR spoke with talent manager Robert Rossi (who represents many Deaf actors, including Dickie Hearts, who signed the letter), who confirmed that he wasn’t notified about the casting of The Stand. He found this to be unusual because “[u]sually SAG diversity office reaches out directly to me and the diversity casting department at networks.” Yet, Rossi stated, “Nobody reached out. It was already a done deal and here is the problem. Multiple deaf/native signers could have authentically portrayed this role.”
Previously (also in August 2019), the Daily Moth (an online program that uses American Sign Language and covers stories relating to Deaf culture) raised the issue while claiming that Josh Boone had participated in a vlog, in which the director stated that he intended to honor the character of Nick as written by King. Boone also reportedly explained that Henry Zaga was working to learn ASL worked with Deaf consultants, and Boone pointed out that Nick can hear within his dreams, so (as paraphrased by the Daily Moth) “it is okay to have a hearing actor because the character is both deaf and hearing depending on whether he is asleep or awake.”
THR reached out to The Stand producers and learned that the Deaf artists’ community that issued the statement will soon be meeting with CBS to discuss the issue.
It seems like ancient history by now, but the mark Jeremy Lin left on the NBA during his breakout season in 2011-2012, forever known as “Linsanity,” will be remembered by future generations of up-and-coming players who believe they have what it takes if only given a chance to shine.
Unfortunately, his career since then hasn’t been able to live up to the delirious joy of that magical stretch of games with the Knicks, and a rash of injuries eventually landed him out of the NBA altogether after his last stint with the Raptors during their championship season.
Lin has been plying his wares in China since then with the Beijing Ducks, but has long vowed to work his way back into the league. Now, it appears he’ll get that chance. And fittingly enough, it will be with the team where it all started.
Jeremy Lin is finalizing a deal with the Golden State Warriors, pending letter of clearance from Chinese Basketball Association, sources tell @TheAthleticNBA@Stadium.
Jeremy Lin is planning to sign with Golden State Warriors and then join their G League affiliate, Santa Cruz, as he continues to work toward NBA return. https://t.co/m7Ywoq8gEv
Even if Lin never quite recaptured the magic of that Linsanity run, he went on to become a serviceable point guard in several NBA stops and is hoping to do so again now. There is poetic justice in this latest signing, given that Golden State was where the undrafted Lin would get his start but would later be cut, paving the way for his run with the Knicks.
As noted above, however, Lin will have to work his way through the G League ranks first. Regardless of how it turns out, it’ll be nice to see Lin back in an NBA uniform this season.
Here’s a weird sentence to start a “best of” list with: The best beer of 2020 probably isn’t on this list. There are over 8,000 breweries in the United States alone. The European Union (comprised of 27 of the 51 countries on that continent) has another 10,000 breweries. Plus there are robust brewing scenes in Canada, Mexico, Brazil, Russia, Israel, South Africa, Australia … you get it.
If anyone claims they can name the “best” beers of 2020 with any sort of certainty, they’re lying. Period.
So, why are we here?
Well, we do drink a lot of beer around these parts. And while there’s no chance we got all of the best beers of the year, we have faith we nailed some of them. Most of our selections are brand new drops, brewed for the first time in 2020. In other cases, our picks are this year’s iteration of classic brew. Since beer is rarely expensive, the only real metric was taste, which, we know, is subjective. (Though a palate is something you can develop and expertise is a real thing!)
The list below is broken into two sections. The first 15 picks are from Uproxx Head Drinks Writer Zach Johnston (me) and lean heavily into Belgian and German brews, mostly because I live in Europe. The second 15 picks are from Senior Drinks Writer Chris Osburn, and focus on American craft brewing, both because he lives in the U.S. and because he has a passion for those beers.
We made sure to find a place where you can buy most of these bottles (linked), but remember, the search is half the fun. When in doubt, or if COVID conditions don’t permit you traversing the countryside to search for beer, we reccomend supporting your local brewers and bottle shops!
Style: Fruited Lambic ABV: 6% Average Price:$35.99, 750ml bottle
The Beer:
Brussel’s famed Cantillon has become one of the most coveted beers in the world. It was a brewery that legions of beer fans were willing to travel for before 2020. Even if you can’t get there, you can still enjoy their beers. This year’s Fou’ Foune (apricot infused) release was a stellar example of why someone would want to travel so far to drink a beer at its source.
Tasting Notes:
300 grams of Bergeron apricots are infused into every liter of lambic to make this brew, creating a real sense of stone fruit from the first sniff. There’s a gentle balance of creamy sours, tart edges, and a well-rounded apricot nature. There’s a yeast-driven dryness that adds a crisp nature to all the fruit, sour, and hint of funk that works wonders on the tongue.
Bottom Line:
This is a real “ah-ha” beer. The balance of fruit and sour, combined with the body of the beer draws you in holds you tight.
3 Fonteinen Zwet.Be
3 Fonteinen
Style: English Porter ABV: 7% Average Price:$6.99, 12-oz. bottle
The Beer:
3 Fonteinen is world-renowned for brewing some of the best lambics and gueuze in the world. What makes this beer so special is that they’re making an old-school porter with their in-house lambic yeast. That baseline takes the style in a new direction while still holding onto the beauty of a great porter.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a ridiculous balance of creamy chocolate pudding cut with espresso beans, vanilla, and malts next to the light acidic tartness and an almost creme fraiche sour creaminess. The bitterness, choco-maltiness, and sourness mingle on the palate in harmony as the semi-dry and ever-so-lightly smoked finish leave you wanting more.
Bottom Line:
At $7 a bottle, is it worth buying a six-pack of this? Yes. This is also a great candidate to lay down in a cellar and let age for a handful of years. Drink one for NYE 2021 and another in ’22, ’23, and so on!
Cloudwater Hoppy Little Lager
Cloudwater Brewing
Style: Indian Pale Lager ABV: 3% Average Price:$4.69, 440ml can
The Beer:
Leaving Belgium for England, Cloudwater Brew Co. achieved a nice hit this year with a low-ABV lager that went down like a well-crafted pale ale. The three percent brew was built as a bridge between the crushable world of summer lagers and the more accentuated world of hoppy ales.
Tasting Notes:
This is fresh. There’s a lightness at play but it’s not thin. The taste drifts between bright lemon citrus, tart fruits, and floral hops and a real sense of malts lurking beneath it all. It’s crisp, tasty, and very crushable.
Bottom Line:
You’re probably not going to find this very easily outside of the U.K., EU, and New York. Still, if you do come across a can from Cloudwater, give it a shot. Their beer tends to always be dialed-in and delicious.
Prairie Artisan Ales Weekend
Prairie Ales
Style: American Imperial Stout ABV: 13% Average Price:$7.49, 12-oz. bottle
The Beer:
This annual summer drop from Prairie Artisan Ales out in Oklahoma is always a welcome addition to any yearly lineup. The beer is one of those imperial stouts that’s packed with sweet and bitter flavor notes that shouldn’t work but just keeps getting better year after year.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a real sense of the dark chocolate malts next to toasted coconut on the nose with a hint of campfire-singed marshmallow. The palate delivers on those aromas while learning into a bespoke dark chocolate Mounds bar feel and taste, next to light coffee bitterness. It all sounds cloying but it’s somehow light, refreshing, and balanced.
Bottom Line:
This is a great beer to share, given the high ABVs. It’s also really easy to drink, making it dangerous due to those same high ABVs.
Gueuzérable Tilquin 2017/2018
Gueuzerie Tilquin
Style: Gueuze ABV: 10% Average Price:$38.49, 750ml bottle
The Beer:
This beer has been resting for about three years and is pouring really nicely in 2020. The brew is the blend of lambics that you get in Gueuze Tilquin à l’Ancienne that’s then dosed with fermented maple syrup from Quebec which starts the secondary fermentation in the bottle. The result is a beer that really wows.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a real sense of lambic funk next to creamy sours that work with the light touch of maple. The taste carries on with that idea while adding in bushels of apples packed in wet straw, barn wood, citrus zest, nuts, slight umami forest mushrooms, and an almost maple cookie maltiness and sweetness. The body is light, slightly dry, and very sippable.
Bottom Line:
This is actually a great pairing for a big pancake brunch with plenty of bacon, sausage, mushrooms, cheese, pastry, and so on. Though, fair warning, you won’t be leaving that brunch sober.
Augustiner Bräu Maximator
Augustiner-Bräu
Style: Doppelbock ABV: 7.5% Average Price:$14.99, six-pack
The Beer:
The season’s batch of Maximator from the oldest brewery in Munich is another classic. The brew is a high-ABV delight that’s designed to be drunk as the snow falls and the wine gets mulled. Basically, you’re getting the refinement of an outstanding Augustiner Helles in a wintry format.
Tasting Notes:
The malts shine through with hints of dried and candied fruits, nuts, and an almost rum-molasses underbelly. Little notes of vanilla, dark berries, and, dare we say, black pepper peek in on the palate of this well-rounded sipper.
Bottom Line:
This has become a mainstay of end-of-the-year beers that seems to be getting (slightly) deeper and easier to drink recently.
Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier Urbock
Brauerei Heller-Trum Schlenkerla
Style: Smoked Lager ABV: 6.6% Average Price:$5.49, 0.5l bottle
The Beer:
This smoked beer from Bamberg is brewed every summer so it can rest for a few months and be enjoyed “fresh” right about now. The smoky brew spends its time resting in local oak in cellars hewn from the rocky hills around the northern Bavarian town. It’s a truly special bottle of beer.
Tasting Notes:
There’s an almost perfect balance of sweet caramel malts and fatty, smoked meats akin to a pork belly. The sweetness leans into the rich toffee territory as the smoke has the thinness of a campfire in the distance. Caramelized sugars, hints of vanilla, rushes of charred oak, and a touch of bacon fat round this crushable beer out.
Bottom Line:
This is a great beer to have while you bundle up next to a fire. It’s really, really well put together and grows on you the more you drink it.
Mahr’s Bräu aU Ungespundet Naturtrüb
Mahr
Style: Lager/Kellerbier ABV: 5.2% Average Price:$11.49, 4-pack
The Beer:
This unfiltered lager is one of those beers that slaps no matter the season. On the first sip, it feels like the perfect summer sipper. Then as the weather turns cold, you realize it’s also an excellent beer to warm you up while still being light and crushable. In the end, it’s the mountaintop of great, all-around German beers.
Tasting Notes:
Nutty and caramel malt notes greet you, paired with a grassy sense of hops, a touch of citrus, and a hint of spice. The body of the beer is rounded with zero rough edges as the malts edge more bready than sweet and the hops take on a mild floral note leading towards a wisp of pine resin.
Bottom Line:
The word “quaff” could have an image of this beer next to it in the dictionary. It’s really hard not to drink a lot of this stuff in one sitting, especially if you’re lucky enough to get it fresh from the barrel in Bamberg.
Cantillon Rosé de Gambrinus 2020
Brasserie Cantillon
Style: Fruited Lambic ABV: 5% Average Price:$19.80, 375ml bottle
The Beer:
Heading back to Belgium and Cantillon, we’d be remiss not to call out this year’s Rosé de Gambrinus. The brew utilizes Serbian raspberries at a ratio of 200 grams of berry to every liter of beer. The berries rest in the beer for around two or three months, imparting color and flavor into the sour lambic. Then the beer is blended with a one-year-old lambic and bottled for secondary fermentation.
Tasting Notes:
It’s interesting in that you do get raspberry up front, but it’s more a complete raspberry experience with the leaves, stems, and even a bit of the dirty roots layered into the beer. The creamy sourness and tart citrus of the beer is the perfect counterpoint to the body, tart, and sweetness of the berry, with hints of grass and minerals mingling underneath it all.
Bottom Line:
This is actually a little more interesting if you drink it young. The raspberry “experience” comes through like beams of light through stained glass on the vintage from this year. If you cellar this, that berry nature fades away, leaving more of the sour and funk of the base beer.
Schneeeule Alte
Muted Horn
Style: Berliner Weisse ABV: 6% Average Price:$47.50, three 750ml bottles (EU only)
The Beer:
Schneeeule (snow owl) is making probably the best Berliner Weisse in the world right now. The small-op craft brewery in Berlin is devoted to not only the craft of making Berliner Weisse but it’s history and preservation as the “Champagne of the North.” Their Alte release spends eight months mellowing before bottling, where it rests another five months.
The result is a touchstone of the style.
Tasting Notes:
This is like a summer breeze, thick with floating cotton and heather rolling through your senses. The sour lacto-creaminess of the style is present but dialed way back (thanks to that aging), allowing dark fruit, bright citrus, and freshly cut grass to shine through. It’s light, sharp, and deeply satisfying.
Bottom Line:
Look, you’re not going to be able to find this easily in the U.S., if at all. Still, this is a perfect example of the style and worth trying one day, even if just at a tasting.
Evil Twin Brewing and Westbrook Brewing OFYMD Maple Bourbon Barrel Aged Imperial Stout
Evil Twin Brewing
Style: American Imperial Stout ABV: 12.8% Average Price:$32.99, four-pack
The Beer:
This collab beer is built to marry fruity rum with savory coconut desserts. It’s another beer that sounds like it’s going to be overwrought, with too much going on. Yet here we are.
Tasting Notes:
The keyword here is “balance.” Dark chocolate covered salted caramels balance with bourbon vanilla, maple syrup, charred wood, bitter espresso beans, and a hint of toasted coconut. Those notes carry on into the taste with an almost fatty bread with salted butter, charred pineapple, and fatty chili spice not unlike dried chorizo.
We know, it sounds like a lot but it all just works.
Bottom Line:
This is one of those beers that stick in your memory and keeps calling you back. It’s also a great beer to share given the ABVs are on par with red wine.
Upslope Hazy IPA
Upslope
Style: NEIPA ABV: 6.6% Average Price:$9.99, six-pack
The Beer:
Upslope just announced that this much-beloved beer is moving from their seasonal line-up to a year-round release starting this month (December 2020). The new release is the product of years of tinkering to get the formula just right, creating a hazy IPA that’s uniquely Colorado in nature.
Tasting Notes:
The nose marries tropical fruits with dark rushes of orange oils and pine resin. The taste leans into stonefruits as the resins calm down to a mild hoppy bitterness that’s underpinned by a slight caramel maltiness. There’s real lightness at play in both texture and feel as the tropical fruit, oils, resins, and malts interplay on the palate.
Bottom Line:
For now, this has a small regional distribution through the Rockies and Southwest. But given it becoming a year-round release, expect to see it on more specialty shelves in 2021.
Alaskan Limited Edition 2020 Smoked Porter
Alaskan Brewing
Style: Smoked Porter ABV: 6.5% Average Price:$9.84, 22-oz. bottle
The Beer:
This yearly limited release from Alaskan Brewing continues to wow both as a new release and a solid beer to age. The beer is an homage to the smoked beers of Bamberg (see above). Alaskan uses Alderwood to smoke its malts before brewing with Alaskan glacial water and Pacific Northwest malts and hops.
Tasting Notes:
Notes of bacon, campfires, roasted marshmallows, hot dogs on sticks, and damp wool blankets greet you. The molasses sweetness of the smoky malts balances wonderfully with the fatty bacon and bitter, ashen notes, all of which are accented by a smoked gouda creaminess and nuttiness.
Bottom Line:
Get a six-pack. Drink one this year. Then drink one every year for the next five years to see how this beer ages and blooms into something new and different.
Elysian Contact Haze
Elysian Brewing Company
Style: NEIPA ABV: 6% Average Price:$11.99, six-pack
The Beer:
This new beer from Elysian is all about the hops, sure. But the beauty of this beer is how it makes an otherwise overly-hopped and overly-juicy category of beer accessible to the average beer drinker. This beer is all about the classic hazy attributes while keeping them squarely in the “mild” lane.
Tasting Notes:
You’re greeted with the familiar citrus and tropical fruit but then those notes veer towards red berries, tart berries, and caramel malts. The taste dials-in the tropicals to passion fruits and guava while still holding onto those dark berries and a pine resin hopiness that undercuts the whole thing with a refreshing edge.
Bottom Line:
Look, NEIPAs can be and often are overdone and overblown. This brings all the nuance that’s often lost to a hazy juicy bomb and adds in some new notes and depth.
Guinness Imperial Stout Aged In Bourbon Barrels
Guinness
Style: American Imperial Stout ABV: 10.3% Average Price:$19.99, four-pack
The Beer:
Have you ever wondered what Guinness would taste like if it was aged in Kentucky bourbon barrels? Thanks to the Guinness team in Baltimore, we have that answer and it’s surprisingly a good one.
Tasting Notes:
The bourbon comes through via vanilla and oak with dried fruits and Christmas spices dancing in the dark brew. Dark cacao, almonds, caramel, and toasted coconut mingle on the palate, creating an almost crafty chocolate shop Almond Joy underneath the bitterness and creaminess Guinness is known for.
Bottom Line:
Upon hearing about this release this year, there was a bit of “if it ain’t broke…” sentiment. That disappeared as soon as this beer hit our lips. It’s Guinness means bourbon. What more could you want in life?
Chris’ Picks
New Belgium Voodoo Ranger 1985
New Belgium
Style: NEIPA ABV: 6.7% Average Price:$10.99, six-pack
The Beer:
You’ve probably heard about New Belgium’s well-known Voodoo Ranger IPA and all of its many incarnations. This summer, the brand dropped a throwback brew that appealed to fans of 80s nostalgia who have a taste for contemporary, hazy brews. New Belgium Voodoo Ranger 1985 pays homage to the year that brought us Back to the Future and Teen Wolf (it was a banner year for Michael J. Fox) with a boatload of Citra and Simcoe hops and tons of juicy tropical fruit flavors.
Tasting Notes:
This highly crushable, sweet, borderline nectar-like beer is filled with fresh, citrus, and floral hop flavors and juicy mango, guava, and pineapple flavors.
Bottom Line:
This juicy, hazy, flavorful beer is perfectly suited to be paired with a snap bracelet and a viewing of The Goonies.
Springdale Kölsch Money
Springdale Beer
Style: Kölsch ABV: 4.8% Average Price:$12.99, four-pack
The Beer:
Jack’s Abby’s off-shoot Springdale is consistently cranking out amazing, high-quality beers. One of its best of the year is Kölsch Money. Kölsch was created to pay tribute to the brewers of Cologne (or Köln), Germany, who dared make another beer to rival the lagers everyone else was making hundreds of years ago. The style is still made today, and this crisp, low-ABV Kolsch is a great American version of the German staple.
Tasting Notes:
This sessionable Kolsch is light, fresh, very crisp, and filled with flavors like baked bread, dry grapes, and astringent citrus.
Bottom Line:
This is a truly special beer. It’s so light, refreshing, and effervescent that it appeals to wine and beer drinkers alike. It’s a great summer beer but is perfect for any time of year.
Firestone Walker Chocolate Cherry Stout
Firestone Walker
Style: American Stout ABV: 5.5% Average Price:$10.99, six-pack
The Beer:
This limited-release stout from the folks at Firestone Walker is indulgent, sweet, rich, and somehow not too high in alcohol. While we’ll rarely turn down a barrel-aged stout, we don’t need to drink four 12 percent ABV beers. This stout was brewed with cherries and cocoa nibs to give it a unique, sweet, and malty flavor perfect for wintertime.
Tasting Notes:
You might be concerned that a cherry and chocolate stout would be a little… overpowering. Well, the sweet cherry flavor is subtle and pleasing and it melds perfectly with the rich dark chocolate and roasted malt flavors.
Bottom Line:
Launched this fall, this brew is the perfect winter warmer without being ridiculously high in alcohol content. Don’t feel bad if you crush a few cans of this tasty brew.
Pure West
Pure Brewing
Style: American IPA ABV: 6.5% Average Price:$19, four-pack
The Beer:
This tribute to the West Coast IPA is made with hand-selected Mosaic, Simcoe, and Nelson hops. It’s fresh, unfiltered, and has a great sweetness to bitter ratio. Unlike many famous West Coast IPAs, this one isn’t a bitter bomb.
Tasting Notes:
The trio of hops creates a nice kick of resinous, citrus flavor that moves into tropical flavors like pineapple and grapefruit before ending in a nice crisp, refreshing finish.
Bottom Line:
It has the bitterness of a West Coast IPA, but it’s not in your face and should appeal to IPA fans who normally stray away from the bitterest of all the big IPA styles.
Brewery Ommegang Idyll Days
Brewery Ommegang
Style: Pale Lager ABV: 5% Average Price:$9.99, four-pack
The Beer:
Ommegang is a unique brewery. It’s located near the quaint town of Cooperstown, New York (home to the Baseball Hall of Fame), but it looks like it belongs in the Belgian countryside. Even the beer tastes like it was shipped in from Europe. One of its best, new offerings is Idyll Days, an unfiltered, Belgian-style pilsner made with floor-malted Czech barley and fermented with Belgian lager yeast before being cellared.
Tasting Notes:
This hazy, light, delicate brew is a nice mix of sweet grains, honey, subtle yeast, and crisp hops. It’s low in alcohol, soft, and refreshing.
Bottom Line:
This unfiltered offering is well suited for the hazy summer days at the end of August, but it’s clean and fresh enough to enjoy all year long.
Jack’s Abby Shipping Out of Boston
Jack
Style: Amber Lager ABV: 5.3% Average Price:$11.70, six-pack
The Beer:
Jack’s Abby makes lagers and it makes them well. One of its 2020 releases was Shipping Out of Boston, an amber lager made to pay tribute to the city of Boston’s history of manufacturing. It’s a great combination of German specialty malts and resinous hops.
Tasting Notes:
Similar to a kellerbier, this German-style lager is malty, refreshing, and has flavors of sweet, rich caramel, dried fruits, and just a hint of bitter, floral hops.
Bottom Line:
As long as you’re not a Yankees fan, this should be enjoyed while you gaze lovingly at a photo of Nomar Garciaparra while eating clam chowder.
Allagash Cross Path
Allagash
Style: Belgian Pale Ale ABV: 5.5% Average Price:$12.99, four-pack
The Beer:
This beer was brewed to highlight the varied organic grains available in Allagash’s home state of Maine. It’s the iconic brewery’s first-ever certified organic beer and collaboration with organic oats manufacturer GrandyOats. It’s a Belgian-style golden ale brewed using buckwheat, base malt, hops, and granola.
Tasting Notes:
This unique beer has a ton of sweet, granola flavor up front that works its way into the banana and clove flavors of Belgian yeast. But that’s not all. This brew ends with spices like nutmeg, clove, as well as spicy, bitter hops.
Bottom Line:
Whether or not you care about organic grains shouldn’t change your opinion of this yeasty, fresh beer that pairs well with smoked meats and aged cheeses.
Sierra Nevada Dankful IPA
Sierra Nevada
Style: American IPA ABV: 7.4% Average Price:$11.99, six-pack
The Beer:
What are you “dankful” for this year?
Well, we’re thankful for this piney, subtly bitter, refreshing West Coast IPA. On top of it being a great beer, it was created to supports nonprofit organizations fighting for social equality, economic sustainability, and the environment.
Tasting Notes:
Sierra Nevada knows how to make a great IPA and this West Coast IPA is no different. It has a nice mix of sweet malts, flavorful ale yeast, and a cacophony of subtly bitter, floral, resinous hops (Columbus, Chinook, Mosaic, Ekuanot, Nelson Sauvin, Zappa, and Idaho 7).
Bottom Line:
This is a great, hoppy, refreshing brew and you can feel even better enjoying it because of the non-profits it supports.
Rogue Newport Daze
Rogue Ales
Style: American Pale Ale ABV: 5.5% Average Price:$12.58, six-pack
The Beer:
This hazy pale ale is the other side of the coin that also includes Newport Nights (a 9.8 percent West Coast Imperial IPA). It was created to be a beer to drink at the beach (hence the image on the can). It’s hazy, light, fruity, and perfect for hot days in the sun.
Tasting Notes:
This hazy, fresh brew is filled with juicy tropical flavors like peach, pineapple, and mango. It also features a nice, subtly bitter, floral hop presence perfectly suited for a day at the beach.
Bottom Line:
While this hoppy, juicy, hazy beer was crafted to be the perfect accompaniment to a day at the beach, it’s also a great respite from darker stouts and porters during the winter months.
Founders KBS Maple Mackinac Fudge
Founders
Style: American Imperial Stout ABV: 11% Price:$23.99, four-pack
The Beer:
If you’re a fan of barrel-aged beers, you’ve probably enjoyed a pint or two of Founders beloved Kentucky Breakfast Stout. Last year, the brand upped the ante by dropping KBS Espresso, and this year the world was given the indulgently-named KBS Maple Mackinac Fudge. Using real Mackinac fudge and maple syrup, this is like a wintry dessert in a glass.
Tasting Notes:
If you enjoy flavors like rich, dark chocolate, roasted coffee beans, buttery fudge, and pure maple syrup then this is the beer of your dreams.
Bottom Line:
This stout isn’t for everyone and that’s not such a bad thing. If you prefer your beer to taste more like corn-filled fizzy water, keep on walking.
Tröegs Haze Charmer
Troegs
Style: American Pale Ale ABV: 5.5% Price:$11.99, six-pack
The Beer:
This hazy pale ale took more than six months in the Hershey, Pennsylvania brewery’s small-batch Scratch Brewhouse to perfect. This hazy pale ale was brewed with pale malt, malted wheat, raw wheat, oats, and honey malt as well as Citra, Lotus and El Dorado hops.
Tasting Notes:
This is a truly well-rounded beer. It starts with subtle resinous pine flavors that meld with dry-hopped flavors of peaches, grapefruit, and mango and ends with a crisp, subtly bitter flourish.
Bottom Line:
If you can find a six-pack, buy it. Even if you’re not a fan of hazy beers, you’ll love this crushable, juicy, overall thirst-quenching brew.
Harpoon Midnight in Manhattan
Harpoon Brewing
Style: American Brown Ale ABV: 8% Average Price:$19.79, four-pack
The Beer:
In May, Boston’s Harpoon Brewery collaborated with New York’s famed Kings County Distillery to create a limited-edition beer that bridges the gap between whiskey and beer. It’s called Midnight in Manhattan and it’s pretty much a Manhattan cocktail in beer form. The flavor of the iconic mixed drink is created with a brown ale base with chestnuts and tart cherries before being aged in bourbon and rye barrels.
Tasting Notes:
When you first see that this beer tastes like a Manhattan, you might think that it would be overpowering. It definitely isn’t. It has the usual, warming whiskey flavor you expect from barrel-aged beers along with hints of sweet cinnamon, velvety caramel, and charred oak.
Bottom Line:
It’s unlikely you’ll be able to find any of this limited-edition beer, but let’s hope the folks at Harpoon and Kings County (or another distillery) team up again to make another cocktail-inspired beer. How about a boulevardier or mint julep next?
Bell’s Light Hearted Ale
Bell
Style: American IPA ABV: 3.7% Average Price:$21.99, 12-pack
The Beer:
Bell’s Two Hearted Ale is one of the most acclaimed IPAs in America. Playing on that beer’s success, the Michigan-based brewery launched a low-calorie, low-alcohol, light version this year. While technically a light beer, this hoppy brew (Centennial and Galaxy hops are used) is high in flavor.
Tasting Notes:
This easy-drinking, low-guilt beer arrived to lead the way in the new world of light beers with its well-rounded citrus and floral hints and refreshing, thirst-quenching flavors.
Bottom Line:
Instead of drinking the macro-brewed light beer that every commercial tells you to drink while you watch football, grab a sixer of this light IPA, and enjoy all the flavor without the alcohol content or calories.
This brewing swap with American Solera in Tulsa, Oklahoma consisted of Jester King brewing this double IPA and American Solera brewing Jester King’s O.G. Black Metal Imperial Stout at their brewery. Made using local malted barley, oats, and wheat as well as dry-hopped Galaxy hops, this is a great beer for fans of hops and collaborations.
Tasting Notes:
This single hop brew is filled with lemon and grapefruit flavors as well as the piney, resinous flavor you expect from Galaxy hops. It has a nice amount of sweetness and malts to make the hop presence not overwhelming.
Bottom Line:
Good luck finding this limited-edition beer. Hopefully, this recipe swap and others across the country will continue well after the end of the COVID pandemic.
Urban South Snoball Juice
Urban South
Style: NEIPA ABV: 7% Average Price:$11.34, four-pack
The Beer:
This hazy, juicy IPA from Louisiana’s Urban South Brewery is hopped to the heavens with five pounds of Idaho 7, Vic Secret, El Dorado, and Citra hops. It’s spawned alternative versions including Tiger Blood and Coconut Cream.
Tasting Notes:
Juice, hazy, sweet, citrus, floral, these are just a few of the flavors you’ll find with this complicated, complex beer. Hints of grapefruit, mango, guava, and juicy peach are at the forefront with a nice kick of subtly bitter hops at the end.
Bottom Line:
This taproom favorite was rolled out as a yearly release this year. You still might have to travel to get your hands on some or have a kind friend in Louisiana mail you some.
What goes through your brain when you hear the phrase “the beautiful game?” You obviously think of soccer, but go a little deeper than that — what does that phrase represent in your mind? Is it the crisp, intricate passing of Spain’s national team during its heyday? Is it Lionel Messi getting the ball at his feet and, within fractions of a second, figuring out every way he could break down a defender before putting them all through some sort of internal algorithm and determining the optimal way to make that happen? Is it a tournament like the World Cup, which for all of its flaws is a unique, legitimate celebration of the sport played at the absolute highest level?
For me, “the beautiful game” is a phrase that alludes to soccer’s ability to transcend any and all barriers. No special equipment is needed to play the game, just some space, a ball that can be kicked, and some sort of makeshift goal that said ball can be kicked through. It is a sport that transcends class, race, gender, and any other burden that groups in power can impose on others.
This hasn’t always been the case with soccer in the United States. Despite the fact that hundreds of thousands of children play the sport, soccer has long had a reputation for being a fairly exclusive sport as you go up the ladder. Following the United States men’s national team’s failure to qualify for the 2018 World Cup, this “pay to play” system — one that, essentially, meant that money served as a barrier to entry for many youngsters to pursue this game with any level of seriousness — was excoriated by just about everyone who cares about the sport in America. It doesn’t take someone with Messi’s celestial grasp of the sport to understand what this means: Like most hyper-capitalistic entities, if you do not come from a background of privilege, the odds of you being recognized for the talent you possess are slashed exponentially.
Two seconds of thought about this entire system makes you realize it is wholly insane, particularly in a sport where the United States — and to be clear, this is exclusively on the men’s side — is behind the 8-ball. But even taking a step back, what this says to young people from marginalized backgrounds is that their pursuit of some sort of dream does not deserve to happen because of circumstances outside of their control. And because of just the nature of how class works in this country, those circumstances are oftentimes outside of the control of their parents or guardians, too.
All of that comes back to the original point: While the beautiful game’s low barrier for entry exists worldwide, that’s not necessarily the case in our corner of the world. This year, the newly-formed Black Players for Change took on the challenge of facing this head-on. The organization, launched on Juneteenth, released a statement indicating that its goal is to combat racism in the sport and society more broadly. A snippet:
This is a new organization that will address the racial inequalities in our league, stand with all those fighting racism in the world of soccer, and positively impact black communities across the United States and Canada.
We pledge to help bridge the racial equality gap that exists in our league by lobbying for initiatives like implicit bias training, cultural education courses, and diversification hiring practices. Beyond addressing these overlooked systemic issues around soccer in this country, the BPC is committed to tackling the racial injustices that have prevented black people from having an equitable stake in society. Among the many goals we will strive to achieve in our black communities, some will include targeted spending, educational advancement initiatives, and mentorship programs.
“We also want to make soccer a sport for Black kids to feel comfortable in,” Portland Timbers standout and BPC board member Jeremy Ebobisse said in an interview. “We feel like that’s an avenue for success. I know growing up for me, personally, there was a lot of talk all over that my place was as a basketball player, as a football player. And I think that that’s due to the lack of engagement that our professional sports world has with the Black community. And so we’re looking to target investment in education and in other mechanisms, but also, specifically, in developing the game, whether that’s building courts, showing up on a consistent basis in these communities to show that the sports teams that a lot of our teams are built around actually care about them. There’s a fluid conversation on how to specifically target and get the most out of it, but we’re focused on the development of the game within the Black community and hoping that we can continue those efforts with some of those elder players, some of those guys that have come through and helping them get established in these organizations.”
In all, the BPC consists of more than 170 MLS players, coaches, and staff members, all of whom are driven to create the sport and society as a whole more equitable.
According to its website, “BPC is committed to tackling the racial injustices that have limited Black people from having an equitable stake in the game of soccer and society.” It is not limited to individual who were born within our country’s borders, because battling the forces that oppress is not a uniquely American fight. The “more than an athlete” phrase gets thrown around a ton thanks to LeBron James, but everyone involved in this organization sees that many of the overarching, impossible to ignore societal issues that need remedied cannot help but impact sports — the BPC launched less than a month after George Floyd became the latest Black man to be killed by a police officer who took an oath to serve and protect.
This is not to say that racism is unique to football in America — earlier this month, for example, a Champions League tie between Paris Saint-Germain and Istanbul Basaksehir stopped mid-match and was postponed due to an official referring to a coach as, per a translation from Romanian, “the Black guy.” What BPC is looking to do, however, is take on the institution of racism at home, both in the game and beyond. The structural inequities upon which the United States and soccer are built upon are abhorrent, and calling it commendable that athletes are using their platforms to challenge them head-on is an understatement.
Through actions like installing 12 mini-pitches to give children of color a safe place to play the game, BPC is making accessibility to a game that has long suffered from an accessibility problem a top priority.
And who knows? Perhaps the work that will begin with BPC in the United States and Canada will eventually spread across the Atlantic as the seeds they plant begin to blossom. Think, for example, of Weston McKennie — who came up in the FC Dallas system before jumping to German side Schalke and is now a member of Italian giant Juventus — using his platform following Floyd’s killing to wear a “Justice for George Floyd” armband, or RB Leipzig’s Tyler Adams writing the same sentiment on a pair of cleats. They were, of course, joined by a number of non-American athletes, many of whom have forcefully denounced racism in football and pledged to do whatever it takes to get it out.
Barriers, whether they be a broad concept like racism or a specific barrier to entry a la pay to play, are man-made. Toppling them is an incomprehensibly difficult task, as entire institutions are built upon them. In soccer as a sport and society as a whole, though, Black Players for Change are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure both become more equitable. The myriad of reasons why it decided to form in 2020 could not be more tragic, but the work they will do will one day make sure the beautiful game comes closer and closer to living up to its name.
In the voicemail, a man who identifies himself as “Jerry” can be heard discussing the possibility that Leonard is leaning toward the Lakers. The man also thanks the person on the other line for his help and calling the Lakers a “sh*t show.”
“Hey there, this is Jerry calling,” the person who is allegedly West says. “I really want to thank you a lot for trying to help. I heard this morning that everyone over in the Lakers camp thinks they’re gonna get him.”
These leaks appear to be happening because the alleged recipient of this voicemail, Johnny Wilkes, is suing West for not paying him out properly for his assistance in the Clippers’ pursuit of Leonard in free agency. Wilkes told TMZ there is another person named in the voicemail, Sam Watson, who also aided the Clippers as they pursued Leonard.
According to TMZ, West has continually denied wrongdoing, but after the leak of this voicemail, neither West or the team would comment in response.
Lil Uzi Vert’s 2020 is one his fans have been waiting for a few years for, especially since the release of his Luv Is Rage 2. After clearing a few hurdles that were rooted in issues with his label, Lil Uzi returned to the music scene this year with Eternal Atake and its deluxe version, which also served as a sequel to his 2014 mixtape Lil Uzi Vert Vs. The World. In addition, the Philly native linked up with Future for his third project of the year with Pluto X Baby Pluto. Despite having an already-strong resume for this year, Lil Uzi returns with a delightful remix of Popp Hunna’s “Adderall (Corvette Corvette).”
Popp Hunna also comes from Uzi’s Philly hometown, so the new remix is a great way to uplift the buzzing artist who’s been enjoying a viral moment. The song is blowing up on the social media app TikTok and has birthed the #CorvetteCorvetteChallenge. In addition, the track fits Lil Uzi perfectly with its resemblance to “Celebration Station” from his Eternal Atake album. The remix was also released with a music video that finds the Philly natives linking up with Corvettes surrounding them.
Press play on the “Adderall (Corvette Corvette)” remix in the video above.
Lil Uzi Vert is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group
It looks like Cupcakke got exactly what she wanted when she released the trolling single “How To Rob (Remix).” After mentioning seemingly half the working artists in rap, she got a bite from up-and-coming rapper Sukihana, who clapped back a day later with the defiant “Rob Who.” Now, the two rappers are engaged in a lyrical tussle, and it’s Cupcakke’s turn to unload with the furious “The Gag Is.” Judging by the sound of it, she was waiting for the opportunity to pounce and relishes terrorizing her newfound opponent.
Over a menacing beat, Cupcakke goes in on Suki, rejecting any calls for peace right out the gate. “You got a whole man with an OnlyFans / B*tch, that don’t add up,” she snarls among other insults. The usually raunchy rapper seems to have taken the comparison to Vivian from Bebe’s Kids personally as she spends nearly three minutes shredding her competition with brutal barbs taking aim at everything from Suki’s surgery to her lyrics to her kids.
Although Suki was the first to respond to Cupcakke’s vicious remake of 50 Cent’s breakout single, she’s far from the only person with reason to. Cupcakke threatens or mocks Cardi B, City Girls, Chief Keef, DaBaby, Doja Cat, DreamDoll, Flo Milli, and many, many more on the track.
It’s been a troubling year for the film industry. A global pandemic has carried waves of restrictions and lockdown orders that have hampered even the most powerful studios. Hollywood’s sat static, with tentpole releases being pushed back, shooting schedules grinding to a halt, and promising movies and TV shows shelved or scrapped in the interim. And yet, if you’re a fan of Margot Robbie, this year has somehow also managed to deliver a slew of buzzy projects that are reframing how the industry operates in the post TimesUp era.
Of course, the catch is, a lot of those projects won’t see Robbie in front of the camera. Instead, the actress has used this turbulent year to don a producing hat – one she hangs up at her company LuckyChap Entertainment – and affect real change in a still-predominately-male field.
Actors launching their own producing outfits isn’t anything new. The Clooneys, the Pitts, and the Cruises have been doing it for decades. But it was remarkably rare for an actress to add that credit to her resume before the Witherspoons and the Therons and the Davises decided to capitalize on their awards clout and marketability to tell the stories they were interested in. These stories tend to skew female, trading in traditional male protagonists with straight-forward redemption arcs for messy, complicated women audiences can actually relate to. What’s more, female-led movies often end up hiring a diverse crew, giving women and minorities opportunities in front of, and behind, the camera that might have been inaccessible before.
Robbie’s done that too – leveled the playing field by pursuing passion projects that she funds with bigger roles in Quentin Tarantino flicks and Martin Scorsese dramas. But what’s remarkable about the year the actress has had is how it’s reshaping Hollywood from the ground-up, during a time when the status-quo model is in desperate need of reinvention and when women directors seem to be making huge gains.
Earlier this year, Variety announced that Robbie, along with in-demand screenwriter Christina Hodson, had formed her own screenwriting lab, The Lucky Exports Pitch Program. The month-long workshop kicked off in November 2019 and its goal was simple: to give female creators a space to develop and refine their ideas with the help of other women creatives. More specifically, Robbie wanted the inaugural writer’s room to help women break into film’s action and franchise boy-club. Together with Hodson, she chose six women planning bold interpretations and reinventions of those genres.
They were writers whose work had already made it in primetime TV shows, series like Marvel’s Agent Carter and Apple TV+’s Jason Momoa-starring See, but during a time when issues of equality and gatekeeping continue to plague the industry, they probably would’ve had difficulty selling their scripts to the bigger studios.
That’s where Robbie and Hodson’s lab came in, recruiting mentors and experienced professionals to help the women not only build-out their original ideas, but package, pitch, and market them to Hollywood executives. The result? All six writers — Sue Chung, Charmaine DeGraté, Eileen Jones, Faith Liu, Dagny Looper, and Maria Sten – sold their projects to companies that included Universal Pictures, Blumhouse, Sony, and New Line. These were gritty action-thrillers with immigration bents, lethal spy dramas, adrenaline-packed Westerns reimagining the California Gold Rush, and teen slashers about college-aged biohackers – the kinds of stories women rarely get to tell, let alone conceive of and control … at least not in this business.
But for Robbie, the lab is just the latest success story amidst a track record filled with perception-shifting wins when it comes to female autonomy in film. Long past the days when she could be pigeon-holed as the “next-door it-girl,” Robbie has spent the last decade quietly toppling some of the more insidious patriarchal structures that make it so difficult for women to succeed in the industry. She did it with I, Tonya, where she used the miraculous rise and tragic fall of figure skating icon Tonya Harding to question Hollywood’s idealization of beauty and talent, and its condemnation of poverty and female ambition. She did it with Birds of Prey, keeping the dream of a superhero girl squad alive by both producing the Warner Brothers hit and advocating for its woman-led crew, including DC’s first female Asian director, Cathy Yan. And she did it with the upcoming release of Promising Young Woman, a rape-revenge fantasy she helped bring to life, written and directed by Killing Eve showrunner Emerald Fennell.
Those are the movies that have probably landed on your radar. The ones that haven’t – neo-noir thrillers like Terminal, Bonnie & Clyde period dramas like Dreamland, and the Kat Dennings Hulu comedy Dollface – are compelling works that challenge genre staples and examine classic tropes from interesting new angles. And there are still more down the pipeline, from Greta Gerwig’s Barbie, which Robbie will star in, to a retelling of Robin Hood from Maid Marian’s point of view, to a Tank Girl revival. All films that center on women and champion female creatives.
In a year that brought doubt about the industry’s future, and worries that the pandemic might reverse any progress made when it comes to diversity and inclusion behind the camera, Robbie eschewed focusing on her own acting career to give other women a launching platform in a space where their voices are often stifled, if not completely snuffed out.
The beef between Taylor Swift and Scooter Braun has been one of the most-discussed music feuds of the past few years, and people in the industry have shared their thoughts on it. Now, so too has Pharrell, and it seems like he sees both Swift and Braun’s perspectives of the situation.
In a recent Variety interview, Pharrell gave a diplomatic response when asked about Swift and Braun, acknowledging both of their vantage points while placing blame on the music industry at large:
“It’s really unfortunate, you know. There was room for him to make his acquisition because that’s just the way the business is, and I felt for her and not being able to be in control of it. There’s a system in place that’s just all wrong. He’s a businessman and he also represents artists, so from his point of view he’s just making an acquisition of something that he felt would be a good investment. But the artist should have the opportunity [to retain ownership], and I don’t know whether she did or she didn’t. I just know that the system is wired in ways that is oftentimes not always fair to the creator. I think it should be the norm that the creators retain their rights.”
He also spoke about acquiring ownership over his own master recordings, saying, “It was a huge milestone, but it shouldn’t be, and we shouldn’t be celebrating that because I shouldn’t be one of… let’s call it dozens of people who own their original recordings. A master recording is the original and every other copy is the slave. We got them to take that out of their language in all the contracts for the Sony companies. It’s all over the place — you know, master bedroom — so there’s a lot of language that we need to change.”
The Rundown is usually a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. This is not that. This is a very special all-Christmas edition. It’s still formatted the same, and still contains a list of some good things, it’s just that this time they’re all holiday-themed, or at least sort of holiday-themed. It’s festive. Grab some cocoa and enjoy.
ITEM NUMBER ONE — Listen to me
Well, guess what: It’s Christmas. It doesn’t exactly feel like it, for about seven reasons that don’t need rehashing here. You can go one of two ways with this. You can lean hard into the holiday spirit to try to drag your unwilling brain there like a child who does not want to go to school, or you can just ride the wave of apathy like Scrooge and be a grump about it. Or, I guess, there’s a third way: You can chill out and watch The Nice Guys. The Nice Guys is a Christmas movie, kind of, which works for a year when “kind of” applies to everything. Also, it is good. That helps, too.
The Nice Guys is one of many movies set at Christmas that are not actually about Christmas. Die Hard is the most famous of these, as you know and can’t avoid, because lots of people like to insist it is “the best Christmas movie.” I tend to disagree, personally, if only to draw a line between Christmas movies and movies that take place during Christmas. Die Hard 2 is probably more of a Christmas movie than the original, if we’re being honest here. Dennis Franz’s character goes on a personal journey not entirely dissimilar from Ebenezer Scrooge, just with dozens of armed terrorists and Bruce Willis visiting him instead of three spirits. Same thing, really.
There are others, too: Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Iron Man 3, The Last Boy Scout, aaaaaand I’m just listing movies written and/or directed by Shane Black, who also wrote and directed The Nice Guys. This is not new information. Shane Black loves setting action movies around the holidays. He explained why to Entertainment Weekly a few years ago:
“Christmas represents a little stutter in the march of days, a hush in which we have a chance to assess and retrospect our lives. I tend to think also that it just informs as a backdrop. The first time I noticed it was Three Days of the Condor, the Sydney Pollack film, where Christmas in the background adds this really odd, chilling counterpoint to the espionage plot. I also think that Christmas is just a thing of beauty, especially as it applies to places like Los Angeles, where it’s not so obvious, and you have to dig for it, like little nuggets.”
So there’s that. The ties to Christmas in The Nice Guys are thinner than some of the other movies listed above. It barely even comes up for most of the movie. The best real evidence comes right at the end, in this scene in the bar, with the decorations in the background.
WARNER BROS.
Christmas confirmed. You now have an excuse to watch this movie, again or for the first time, which you probably should, especially if you tend to enjoy Shane Black’s movies, which I do. It is very much a Shane Black movie, too. It opens with a dead adult film star and features a wise-cracking child and a couple of mismatched detectives and some grammar jokes and a big shootout at the end. The man has a style.
It’s also worth watching it again to remember how good Ryan Gosling is. Ryan Gosling is so good in The Nice Guys. It’s a little infuriating, actually. People should not be allowed to be that good looking and talented and good at physical comedy. The example I always use is that it’s like discovering the richest dude you know is also a scratch golfer. You don’t need to have everything, buddy. Be bad at one thing. For me.
But that’s just me being petty. This is not the time of year for that. This is a time to appreciate things, like Russell Crowe doing comedy and Matt Bomer showing up with about 50 firearms evil Kim Basinger and Ryan Gosling having a luxurious 1970s mustache and doing a whole piece of business with a pistol and a bathroom stall that is funnier in about 15 seconds than some comedies are in their entire running time.
It’s a good movie. It’s a fun way to spend a couple of hours on a night this weekend, a night you might have otherwise spent with friends and family at a big holiday party. This Christmas may not feel like Christmas in a lot of ways. We’re all going to have to hunker down and figure out how to make it work. I’m probably going to watch The Nice Guys tonight. And at some point, I’ll also watch what is, in my opinion, the actual single best Christmas movie: The Muppet Christmas Carol. More movies should be narrated by a small blue monster with a long crooked nose who is pretending to be Charles Dickens. It probably could have made The Nice Guys even better, now that I think about it.
Something to consider going forward, I guess.
ITEM NUMBER TWO — Send me the cake, Tom
Getty Image
Two things are important here:
Tom Cruise sends lots of people an allegedly very delicious white chocolate coconut Bundt cake every Christmas from a place called Doan’s Bakery
I am using the picture of Tom Cruise waving to photographers while standing up on a speeding boat instead of a picture of cake because it is one of my favorite pictures ever and I have used much flimsier excuses than this to post it
But back to the cake. Apparently, Tom Cruise has been doing this for a long time. He sends them as little thank yous to co-stars and friends and crew members and a whole bunch of other people. It’s more important this year, though, in part because the holidays are going to be so weird for everyone and any nice gesture will help, and in part because I just found out about it and now I WANT THE CAKE, TOM.
The “pillowy” cake and Doan’s Bakery are favorites among Hollywood A-listers, but the dessert has become so associated with Cruise that it’s informally known as the “Tom Cruise Coconut Cake,” said the site Goldbelly.com. Made with chunks of sweet white chocolate, rich cream cheese frosting and toasted coconut flakes, the cake can be shipped for $99 and is “good enough to derail the strictest Hollywood diets,” Goldbelly.com reported.
In any case, celebrities who have talked up Cruise’s coconut cake generosity include Jimmy Fallon, Henry Cavill and Cobie Smuthers. Rosie O’Donnell once posted a photo of her cake, wrapped in a bow, on Instagram, with the caption “Christmas is here when Tommy’s gift shows up #holidayseason,” Us Weekly reported.
TOM
TOM CRUISE
COME ON
SEND ME THE CAKE
PLEASE
I’M SORRY FOR YELLING
I JUST REALLY WANT IT
I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN
TOM
SEND ME THE CAKE, TOM
I’LL GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS
TOM CRUISE
THE CAKE
ME
SEND
CAKE
TOM
PLEASE
ITEM NUMBER THREE — A good Christmas song to add to your holiday playlist
I could really go for a new season of Documentary Now. I could go for a new season of Documentary Now for a bunch of reasons: because there hasn’t been one in a while, because I love it, because I’ve already watched “Juan Likes Rice and Chicken” like 200 times, etc. But since I don’t have a new season to watch yet, and what with it being the Christmas season, I suppose the next best thing I can do is listen to the song “Holiday Party” from the “Co-op” episode.
Have you listened to this song before? I do hope you have. I also hope you have not, though, because if you have not listened to it yet that means you get to push play right now and listen to it with fresh ears. What a treat for you! I’m actually kind of jealous because I know what’s coming in the song and it still cracks me up every single time. How could it not? Especially when Renee Elise Goldsberry from freaking Hamilton starts singing and it happens again. What a perfect little piece of comedy. A Christmas treat. Watch it right now if you haven’t, before I spoil the surprise in a few paragraphs. Hurry.
You know what? Let’s all have some fun this holiday season. Let’s all make a big Christmas playlist with all of our favorite classic numbers on it and then let’s slip this sucker in right in the middle, between… oh, I don’t know… let’s go with between “O Holy Night” and “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” It won’t be quite as fun without a big crowd of people hearing it together and slowly realizing what is happening, but it’s still a little treat for you and whoever is within earshot.
You could also play the long game with it. Listen to it a bunch of times to learn the words, then do it next year at the party and sing along through the first verse like it’s a popular song everyone should know. Really get after it. The goal is for lots of people to be paying attention to you when you get to this part…
IFC
… and then you just BELT it out. Hilarious. A little gift from you to you. You’ve earned it.
ITEM NUMBER FOUR — I understand the sentiment but they did not have to bring the horse into this
Prepare to read one of the truest sentences you’ll ever encounter. Here we go.
the owns in the grinch song are fucking devastating
Please listen to the song again. I think, maybe, it never really sunk in for you how brutal these insults are. All of them, top to bottom. Imagine someone saying any of them about you. Imagine someone saying any of them to your face. Because someone saying like “you’re an ugly piece of trash” is bad, yes, sure, of course, but “your brain is full of spiders” and “your heart is full of unwashed socks” are hurtful. The specificity of it all. They really put some thought into those. They hate you so much they really sat down to craft an insult. That’s an entirely different level.
The worst ones are in the very last verse, though. They never really jumped out at me until I saw them in print. Here, let me show you what I mean via blockquote.
You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch
With a nauseous super “naus”!
You’re a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Mr. Grinch
You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!
I don’t know what exactly “a nauseous super naus” is but it sure sounds rough. Probably how you’d feel after chasing a bowl of chocolate ice cream with a tall glass of orange juice. But the real killer is the “crooked dirty jockey” line, partially because he’s implying that, if you were a jockey, you would be the kind that cheats, and partially because he’s dragging your poor horse into it for no reason at all. I don’t even know what he means by “crooked hoss.” Is he saying your horse can’t run straight or that the horse is a cheater, too? Pretty bad either way. That horse never did anything to anyone. Probably. Unless the cheating thing is true.
Anyway, I guess this is also your reminder that this song is performed by a man whose name is Thurl Ravenscroft. You can look it up and everything.
ITEM NUMBER FIVE — A good tweet
Everyone always wants to talk about Rudolph’s nose… I think it’s time we start talkin’ about the shades! pic.twitter.com/M2SblYxTL0
I say this every time I post a Guy Fieri tweet in this column but I am going to say it again now because it is still undeniably true: His social media team is excellent, one of the best out there, but it is way, way more fun to picture Guy Fieri sitting at his laptop and Photoshopping all of these himself, so let’s all just go ahead and continue doing that.
Also: Someone please make a cartoon where Guy Fieri has to take over for Santa and moves the workshop to Flavortown. And speaking of people playing Santa…
READER MAIL
If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.
From Brandon:
Since it’s [waves at the general everything] we’ve been mainlining holiday movies even harder than normal. One that never became A Thing in my house growing up was the ’94 remake of Miracle on 34th Street due to the very 90’s reason of we didn’t own a copy, but my wife loves it and it’s now in the rotation. Since you might need some #content for the Rundown on Christmas Eve, I have a question.
The casting is bonkers- aside from Richard Attenborough being objectively perfect as Santa, you’ve got The Guy From The Practice and The Little Girl From Mrs. Doubtfire carrying a remake of a beloved film. If this was remade today, everyone from the main roles to the judge to the CEO of Macy’s would be some sort of stunt casting. So, my question to you is: who do you cast in a 2021 remake of Miracle on 34th St?
My quick cast:
Main Lawyer Person: Charlize Theron
Macy’s Event Person/Love Interest: Chris Pine
Spunky Kid That Invariably Talks Like A Clever Screenwriter: [whatever the Kid Du Jour is these days]
Judge: Morgan Freeman
Opposing Lawyer That We Need To Hate: Christoph Waltz
Kris Kringle: Either we fatten up Sir Ian McKellen or have Jack Black play it straight?
Aside from that, the Gimbels board of directors would consist entirely of comedians that could deadpan evil riffs endlessly and look at home in a suit (John Mulaney, Keegan Michael Key, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bamford using her kind authority voice) and then one guy who is, in a recurring bit, repeatedly glared at for having happy, nice ideas (it’s Ron Funches. I invented this entire part to get more Ron Funches in our lives).
Well, this is pretty much a perfect email. It sets out a premise, gives a little background, and pays it off in a fun way with a couple of little twists. I had not even considered Jack Black as Santa Claus until I read that part and now it is all I can think about. Why isn’t Jack Black playing Santa in Miracle on 34th Street? Why hasn’t he played Santa already? Why isn’t there a Santa Clause-style franchise with him as Santa? It’s madness. I’m legitimately upset now. Let Jack Black play Santa Claus! Make him play Santa Claus if you have to! Something must be done here.
I will also accept Tracy Morgan as Santa. And maybe Frank Langella as the judge. I realized after The Trial of the Chicago 7 that he was born to play a cranky judge. But otherwise, a perfect email. Merry Christmas to me.
AND NOW, THE NEWS
To Indiana!
Service Sanitation, an Indiana-based port-a-potty company, said it set a world record with its Jingle Johns display. The festive presentation featured more than two dozen port-a-potties with lit up faces singing “Hallelujah.”
A sincere and heartfelt congratulations to Service Sanitation for setting the world record for, uh… most port-a-potties singing “Hallelujah”? I don’t know. This is strange. Don’t mistake me, I’m very proud of them. It takes a certain type of genius to look at a couple of dozen portable toilets and jump to “I’m going to have them sing Christmas songs.” Don’t discount the follow-through on this, either. They actually did it. Think about how long it took. Think about how many people were involved.
This is a serious undertaking. We should acknowledge that.
Steve Dykstra, Director of Marketing for Service Sanitation, told McClatchy News it is not a Guinness World Record, but that the company is self-claiming the title after combing through the internet for days attempting to find a worthy contender.
A Guinness World Records spokesperson said they do not monitor records involving animated faces on light displays. Its most similar record is the largest interactive lighting display, which is in Sydney, Australia.
Okay, so it’s not really a world record. Technically. But I still vote we give it to them. Again, just for the whole undertaking involved. I’ve got to assume it’s never been beaten, either. It would be funny if this kicks off a sanitation arms race, though. Dozens of toilet distributors piling plastic outhouses to the heavens in an attempt to out-do each other and take home the prize. Make it a whole competition. Make it a reality show that airs every December. I was joking when I started typing this paragraph but now I am serious. Make this a Christmas tradition. I want Tom Cruise to send me that cake and I want to eat it while watching gruff sanitation workers in Santa hats stack port-a-potties with a crane. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.
Wait. Hold on. You didn’t think I’d finish this whole section about singing toilets without showing you the singing toilets, did you? That’s ridiculous. I would never do that to you. Especially not during this, the season of giving. Here they are. Enjoy. And Merry Christmas.
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