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Sufjan Stevens Is More Captivating Than Comforting On ‘The Ascension’

In April of 2016, Sufjan Stevens made his Coachella debut. It came more than a decade after he recorded his lone inescapable hit song, “Chicago,” and two decades into a music career. The performance, which was set to kick off a massive festival run that would last that entire year, was ostensibly in support of his most recent album at that point, the delicate, pristine, and devastating Carrie & Lowell, an intimate reflection on his own childhood and complicated relationship with his family. Spare and solemn, its aesthetic couldn’t be more removed from Coachella’s maximalism, but Sufjan would hardly be the first musician to bring soft, nuanced sad-jams to the polo fields, following in a tradition that’s included everyone from Leonard Cohen to Fleet Foxes.

But then, on the Outdoor Theatre stage after dark, Stevens did something few expected. Sporting the elaborate angel wings and banjo that typifies much of his folkier work, he opened with the title track from his Christian-leaning 2004 album Seven Swans, concluding the dramatic tune by smashing said banjo into smithereens. From there, Stevens incorporated costume changes, neon lights, glow-in-the-dark aesthetics, and his glitchiest, most exuberant compositions into an unforgettable set. Only one song from Carrie & Lowell featured, but you know damn well his 25-minute Age Of Adz showstopper “Impossible Soul” occupied a solid third of the overall performance time. It wasn’t the evening that Stevens’ fans might have expected, but knowing the environment, the stakes, and his own varied history, he opted to deliver what was right for this particular moment, offering up a career-spanning set that showed he’s as comfortable performing with choreographed dancers as he is with orchestral arrangements.

This was not the first time Stevens has made it a point to underscore the breadth of his creative interests. The festival set wasn’t too far off from his colorful 2010 tour supporting Adz, and he’s long shown an aptitude for subverting expectations of his gentle, whispery work in collaborative projects like Planetarium with Bryce Dessner, Nico Muhly, and James McAlister and The BQE. On his latest proper LP and the direct follow-up to Carrie & Lowell, The Ascension, he’s once again taking a creative left turn, one that’s not unprecedented to him (Adz is an obvious point of comparison) and one that is distinctly appropriate for the hellfire of times it is being released into. The Ascension is not Sufjan Stevens playing to his strengths necessarily, but showing once again that he is a definitively playful artist that is never satisfied evolving incrementally and takes the greater moment into account

Of course, The Ascension is by no means light thematically. Stevens introduced the album in promotional materials by saying, “My objective for this album was simple: Interrogate the world around you. Question anything that doesn’t hold water. Exterminate all bullshit. Be part of the solution or get out of the way.” And it’s in this “editorial pop album” — his words — that some of the grace of Sufjan is lost. After the year that many of us have had, a rallying of the troops feels particularly exhausting, much like the endless calls to vote feel to those taking action directly to the streets. That’s not to say The Ascension will always sound as heavy-handed as it does roughly a month before the election and half-a-year into a pandemic — look no further than it’s sonic sister The Age Of Adz as a record from Stevens that resonates more than it did at the time — but at this precise stop on the calendar, the value of Stevens is less tied to his philosophy and more to the communal emotional outpouring of which he’s capable.

So while The Ascension might be a disappointment on that emotional level, Stevens delivers in many other departments. Created mostly by himself with drum machines and synthesizers and recorded on a computer, the album sounds more solitary than he ever has before — and that’s saying a lot for someone with an extensive solo acoustic discography. But where Sufjan has always felt like he is in direct conversation to the individual listener, The Ascension is a much grander statement, set to a canvas of Radiohead-esque heady experiments and Depeche Mode pop-industrial soundscapes. Even at its most fully-realized — the slow-building mantra-fied “Die Happy,” the massively unhinged opener “Make Me An Offer I Cannot Refuse” — Stevens always sounds like he’s speaking to the masses, creating something utilitarian at the risk of alienating those that flock to him for personal, calming communion. And this means when he offers up the one-note “Run Away With Me” or the radio-ready “Video Game,” Stevens has never felt so surface-level.

But while The Ascension certainly has its flaws, coming from one of the premier musical geniuses of our time, the album also has moments of inspiration seemingly touched by the hand of god himself. The record’s back half picks up dramatically, with the sprawling stretch of “Ativan” (complete with Silence Of The Lambs references), “Ursa Major,” “Landslide,” and “Gilgamesh” finally transport the listener fully into Sufjan’s world. “Ativan” in particular showcases Stevens’ vocal vulnerability, with his voice bending and reaching its upper limits until the tune devolves fully into noisy rubble. This returns when he belts out “landslide” on the song of the same name, with the artist seeming to realize that a house-of-cards composition is far more interesting and inviting than an impenetrable fortress.

And the album’s greatest highlights arrive near the end. The gothy lurch of “Death Star” is a less convincing version of St. Vincent’s Masseduction, but it’s all misdirection once the warmth of “Goodbye To All That” explores the reciprocal of the same territory. It’s in this moment that Stevens is most sure of himself, able to cast his familiar melodic structure in gold. Singles “Sugar” and “America” also arrive at the end, universes unto themselves that are so all-encompassing, they risk eclipsing the journey that brought the listener to them. And then there’s my personal favorite, the glorious title track, which is sole song on the album that would be most comfortable on any of his previous releases. That’s not to say it doesn’t fit into the adventurous soundscape of this album, but much of Stevens’ best career work feels unstuck in time and unobligated to its current musical climate. It’s a slow-burn and a gut-punch at once, familiar and unique, and possibly the most in tune with the world that the album descends on: “I thought I could change the world around me / I thought I could change the world for best,” he sings, before gaining strength in the realization things are far more complicated than the best of intentions can solve.

The Ascension grapples with the world in the same way that most of us are: in our room, alone, detached from our usual outlets but looking to strengthen bonds through this shared experience. But ultimately its usefulness is distinct from the intentions that it was created. Like that Coachella performance, Stevens typically balances what interests him and what makes sense for the moment, and The Ascension follows this roadmap to varying success. The album won’t likely empower you to surviving some of the darkest moments in recent history, but gives a snapshot of how one of our most beloved figures is processing. And like his last adventurous solo album, The Age Of Adz, this album leaves the impression that its majesty might grow in time, once freed from the turbulence of 2020. Personally, I can’t wait.

The Ascension is out now via Asthmatic Kitty. Get it here.

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Here’s Everything New On Hulu For October 2020, Including ‘Monsterland’ And ‘Helstrom’

Hulu’s giving us plenty of nightmare fuel this month, so even if Halloween doesn’t happen this year, at least you’ll have plenty of terrifying shows to bingewatch. The most anticipated of these might be Monsterland, an anthology series with an impressive cast, but Britt Robertson’s horror movie, Books of Blood, also looks appropriately chilling. Here’s everything coming to (and leaving) Hulu this October.

Monsterland (Hulu series streaming 10/2)

This terrifying anthology series based on the stories from Nathan Ballingrud’s North American Lake Monsters feels like the perfect way to kick off the month, and it’s got an all-star cast ready to give us all the nightmares — think Kelly Marie Tran, Kaitlyn Dever, and Mike Colter.

Books of Blood (Hulu film streaming 10/7)

Another chilling take on a set of short stories, this time from writer Clive Barker, drops this month in film form. Britt Robertson stars as a young woman drawn to a creepy bed and breakfast, but there are also mediums and hauntings peppered throughout this thing.

Helstrom (Hulu series streaming 10/15)

Tom Austen and Sydney Lemmon play a brother-sister duo hunting bad guys in this new crime thriller. Daimon and Ana Helstrom’s job is to find the worst of humanity, and they’re pretty good at it — probably because their dad was a prolific serial killer.

Here’s the full list of titles coming to Hulu in October:

Avail. 10/1
90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days: Complete Season 4
90 Day Fiancé: Complete Season 7
All-Star Halloween Spectacular: Special
Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern: Complete Seasons 9 & 10
Bride Killa: Complete Season 1
Cutthroat Kitchen: Complete Season 13
Dr. Pimple Popper: Complete Season 4
Going for Sold: Complete Season 1
Guy’s Grocery Games: Complete Seasons 18 – 20
Halloween Baking Championship: Complete Seasons 1 – 4
Halloween Wars: Complete Seasons 3 – 8
Hell’s Kitchen: Complete Season 18
Homicide City: Charlotte: Complete Season 1
Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda: Complete Season 9
Man with a Van: Complete Season 1
Moonshiners: Master Distiller: Complete Season 1
Murder Comes Home: Complete Season 1
My 600-lb Life: Complete Season 8
My Feet Are Killing Me: Complete Season 1
Property Virgins: Complete Season 18
Supermarket Stakeout: Complete Season 1
Sweet 15: Quinceañera: Complete Season 1
The Flay List: Complete Season 1
Twisted Love: Complete Season 1
31 (2016)
A Beautiful Mind (2001)
Across The Line (2015)
After Life (2010)
Anti-Trust (2001)
Blade (1998)
Blade 2 (2002)
Blade: Trinity (2004)
Blood Ties (2014)
Blue City (1986)
The Curse Of Downers Grove (2015)
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
The Do-Deca-Pentathlon (2011)
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble (1993)
Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
The Executioners (2018)
The Express (2008)
The Eye (2008)
Fallen (1998)
Girls Against Boys (2013)
Good Hair (2009)
Guess Who (2005)
Hostel (2006)
Hostel: Part II (2007)
House Of 1000 Corpses (2003)
The Hurt Locker (2009)
Ice Age: The Meltdown (2006)
Interview With the Vampire (1994)
Joe (2014)
Judy & Punch (2019)
Kicking & Screaming (2005)
Killers (2010)
Lady in a Cage (1964)
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
Martyrs (2016)
Mud (2013)
Nurse 3D (2014)
The Pirates! Band Of Misfits (2012)
The Portrait of a Lady (1996)
The Quiet Ones (2014)
Raging Bull (1980)
The Sandman (2018)
Senorita Justice (2004)
Sk8 Dawg (2018)
The Skull (1965)
Snakes On A Plane (2006)
Spaceballs (1987)
Species (1995)
Superbad (2007)
Thanks for Sharing (2013)
Tooth Fairy (2008)
Triumph of the Spirit (1989)
Vampire (2011)
Wayne’s World 2 (1993)
When A Stranger Calls (2006)
William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Zombie Killers: Elephant’s Graveyard (2015)

Avail. 10/2
Monsterland: Complete Season 1
Connecting: Series Premiere

Avail. 10/3
Ma Ma (2015)

Avail. 10/4
Saturday Night Live: Season 46 Premiere

Avail. 10/5
Dragon Ball Super: New Episodes 1 – 131 (DUBBED)

Avail. 10/7
Books of Blood: Film Premiere
Ellen’s Game of Games: Season 4 Premiere
Next: Series Premiere

Avail. 10/8
Scream 4 (2011)

Avail. 10/9
Terminator: Dark Fate (2020)

Avail. 10/11
Infamous (2020)
Savage Youth (2018)
Scotch: A Golden Dream (2018)

Avail. 10/12
The Swing Of Things (2020)

Avail. 10/14
The Bachelorette: Season 16 Premiere

Avail. 10/15
The Purge: Complete Season
Treadstone: Complete Season 1
Bad Roomies (2015)
High Strung (2016)
It Came from the Desert (2017)
Playing with Fire (2019)
The Escort (2016)
Helstrom: Complete Season 1

Avail. 10/16
The Painted Bird (2019)

Avail. 10/17
Shark Tank: Season 12 Premiere
Momma Named Me Sheriff: Complete Season 1
Mr. Pickles: Finale Episode

Avail. 10/18
Friend Request (2016)

Avail. 10/19
America’s Funniest Home Videos: Season 31 Premiere
Card Sharks: Series Premiere
Supermarket Sweep: Series Premiere
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Season 2 Premiere

Avail. 10/20
The Voice: Season 19 Premiere
F*ck That’s Delicious: Complete Season 4

Avail. 10/21
Cyrano, My Love (2019)

Avail. 10/22
Black-ish: Season 7 Premiere
The Conners: Season 3 Premiere
The Goldbergs: Season 8 Premiere
Bad Hair: Film Premiere

Avail. 10/23
Superstore: Season 6 Premiere

Avail. 10/26
Homeland: Complete Season 8

Avail. 10/27
What to Expect When You’re Expecting (2012)

Avail. 10/29
American Housewife: Season 5 Premiere
Bad Therapy (2020)

Here’s what’s leaving Hulu in October:

Leaving 10/31
31 (2016)
52 Pick-Up (1986)
A Good Woman (2006)
After Life (2010)
An American Haunting (2006)
An Eye for a Eye (1966)
Any Given Sunday (1999)
Australia (2008)
The Bellboy (1960)
Blade: Trinity (2004)
The Bounty (1984)
The Brothers McMullen (1995)
Bug (1975)
Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)
Cheech & Chong’s Still Smokin’ (1983)
Cinderfella (1960)
The Curse Of Downers Grove (2015)
Downhill Racer (1969)
The Executioners (2018)
Footloose (1984)
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974)
Girls Against Boys (2013)
Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962)
Gloria (2014)
Hellraiser (1987)
Hostel (2006)
Hostel: Part II (2007)
Hot Rod (2007)
The Impossible (2012)
Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’Hoole (2010)
Life of Pi (2012)
The Man Who Could Cheat Death (1959)
Margin Call (2011)
Martyrs (2016)
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)
The Patsy (1964)
The Pawnbroker (1964)
Phase IV (1974)
Psycho Granny (2019)
The Quiet Ones (2014)
Red (2010)
The Sandman (2018)
Sleeping with the Enemy (1991)
Sliver (1993)
Spaceballs (1987)
Stuck On You (2003)
The Tenant (1976)
The Terminator (1984)
Trapped Model (2019)
Trapped: The Alex Cooper Story (2019)
Twilight (2008)
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011)
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012)
Ultraviolet (2006)
Vampire (2011)
Victoria Gotti: My Father’s Daughter (2019)
Walking Tall (1973)
When A Stranger Calls (2006)
Zombie Killers: Elephant’s Graveyard (2015)

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Indiecast Traces The Evolution Of Folkies Sufjan Stevens And Fleet Foxes

On the new episode of Indiecast, Steven Hyden and Ian Cohen dissect the new albums by two very successful indie acts who originated in the aughts: Sufjan Stevens’ The Ascension and Fleet Foxes’ Shore. While the rollout of The Ascension took on a more traditional approach, the arrival of Shore came as a surprise, with the release timed perfectly to coincide with the autumnal equinox on September 22nd at 9:31am EST.

While Hyden was initially resistant to Sufjan Stevens’ early work and Cohen felt similarly about Fleet Foxes’ early work, both have come around to the recent releases from each respective artist. The Ascension is some of Stevens’ darkest and angriest music to date, and Shore represents Fleet Foxes at their most attainable and melodic.

In this week’s recommendation corner, we have the new self-titled album from Teenage Halloween and the long-awaited new Deftones album Ohms. Ahead of the new Deftones album, Hyden sat down with the band’s frontman Chino Moreno to go through their entire discography and find out how their latest compares to what came before.

New episodes of Indiecast drop every Friday. Listen to Episode 9 below and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts here. Stay up to date and follow us on Instagram and Twitter.

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The Virtual ‘Kelly Clarkson Show’ Crowd Awkwardly Dancing To A Vin Diesel Song Is A Dystopian Nightmare

2020 is not like the years that preceded it. Live in-person entertainment is pretty much over for the time being, people can’t get enough of washing their hands, and leaving the house is not to be taken lightly, since that simple act could put lives at risk. On top of all that, Vin Diesel is a singer now.

The Fast & Furious actor just released his first song, “Feel Like I Do,” and the single actually isn’t the worst thing; It’s a completely passable tropical house track. What was funny, though, was the song’s premiere on The Kelly Clarkson Show. Clarkson announced the track on the program, and before playing it, she shared a video of Diesel briefly speaking about the song. That was innocuous enough, but as Uproxx’s own Josh Kurp has pointed out, the moment that followed was surreal.

Kurp shared a clip from the episode and wrote, “The virtual Kelly Clarkson Show audience members awkwardly dancing to Vin Diesel’s new song is the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks.” After Clarkson introduced the track, the show cut back and forth between a still image of the single art and shots of Clarkson’s audience, which was made up of virtual fans on vertically oriented TVs scattered around the studio. As the song played, the crowd awkwardly moved their limbs and torsos to dance along with the track.

This all came together to create a moment that was emblematic of how 2020 has been, so check it out above.

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John Oliver Is ‘Real Close’ To Achieving His Biggest Goal This Year (After That Emmy Win)

The last time we saw John Oliver (while he wore an award-worthy hoodie), he was graciously accepting Last Week Tonight‘s fifth consecutive Best Variety Talk Series award at the Emmys. He was thrilled, so much so that he forgot to thank the object of his obsession, “f*ckable redwood” Adam Driver, but after the excitement cooled down a bit, he took a few minutes to reflect upon his real “dream” for this year. And considering the dumpster fire of 2020, it feels like this is the right year for this type of goal.

I’m referring, of course, to Oliver’s pursuit of having a sewage plant in Danbury, Connecticut named after him. That strange turn of events involved Oliver becoming embroiled in a mock feud with the city and mayor Mark Boughton calling Oliver “full of crap” while faux-threatening the sewage plant rechristening. Well, Oliver was delighted but not pleased to later learn that this was only a joke, so he moved to open his wallet (and the mayor was like, nope, that’s not quite good enough, you gotta promise to show up for a ribbon-cutting ceremony, too).

Post-Emmys, Oliver has now followed up on achieving this goal, which must feel like a marathon by now. Oh, he wants it, as he told Access Hollywood (by way of Variety). He suggested that things are now going his way with the mayor. “My dream this year is to have a sewage plant named after me in Danbury, Connecticut,” Oliver gushed. “And I’m close. I feel like I’m real close.” Oliver added that he doesn’t have “full news” yet on the subject, but he feels that the current chain of events is “very promising.”

Hey, we all have dreams, and it’s hard to judge anyone’s dream in 2020, given our current situation. John Oliver’s keeping his eye on the ball, for which he previously doubled down in late August. “Listen, I didn’t know that I wanted my name on your sh*t factory,” he declared. “But now that you floated it as an option, it is all that I want.” He then threatened to take his sign elsewhere in Connecticut if Boughton and the city council didn’t grant him his wish.

Uhhh, it kinda looks like this is really happening, if Oliver’s follow-up after the Emmys is to be believed? Maybe we’ll hear more about this “sh*t factory” when Last Week Tonight airs a new episode this Sunday.

(Via Access Hollywood and Variety)

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Before Cardi B’s Music Career, Chris Rock Tried To Get Her A Comedy TV Show

Cardi B has already proven to be a multi-talented media personality, appearing in movies, commercials, and more, but it looks like we all missed out on seeing her grace our TV screens as star of a comedy show — unless you count her season on Love & Hip-Hop: New York. On last night’s episode of The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, the host questioned guest Chris Rock about the time Rock tried to get Cardi B her own comedy TV show.

“People are so obviously funny,” Rock explained, citing Leslie Jones as an example and lamenting his unsuccessful efforts to get her an agent before recommending her to Lorne Michaels for SNL. “My kids showed me this Cardi B girl — and she didn’t have a record out or anything — and I was like, ‘We should do a show with her.’ I’m not even gonna say what network. So me, Cardi B, and her management went to get a show going and it never happened. She told me about her rap at the time and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, that’s good. You’re a comedy star.’ I think Cardi B is one of the funniest people.”

Rock has a point; before “Bodak Yellow” took over radio and playlists worldwide, Cardi was primarily known for her outrageous, spontaneous, and authentic personality in Instagram videos. In fact, she still is, with her rant about coronavirus going — ahem — viral earlier this year and even spawning an EDM remix. Of course, that star power translates through her music as well, which is a big part of why her new song “WAP” with Megan Thee Stallion has basically lived at No. 1 on the Hot 100 chart ever since its release.

Watch Chris Rock’s interview with Jimmy Fallon above.

Cardi B is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

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Vin Diesel Has Decided To Launch A Music Career With The Summery House Single ‘Feel Like I Do’

There has been talk recently that the Fast & Furious franchise will be headed to space. Whether or not that’s true, one way or another, Vin Diesel is exploring a new frontier. Instead of leaving the atmosphere, though, he’s breaking into the music world with his first single, “Feel Like I Do.”

The track arrives on Kygo’s Palm Tree Records label, and indeed, it sounds like Kygo’s signature brand of tropical house. Diesel’s singing voice, which sounds nothing like his speaking voice, seems to have been heavily processed, as it sounds here like it has been pitched down.

He premiered the track on The Kelly Clarkson Show and shared a pre-recorded video message about his new endeavor, saying,

“Kelly, I’m so honored to be able to debut my music on your show, because since you first won [American] Idol and until today have somehow maintained your authenticity. I am blessed that on a year that I would normally be on a movie set — as you know, that’s not possible — I’ve had another creative outlet, another way to show you or share with you my heart. To that end, one of the people that first believed in me was Kygo, so I am now going to debut the first song on Kygo’s label, ‘Feels Like I Do.’ I hope you like it.”

Ahead of the track, he also wrote on Instagram, “For so long, I have been promising to release music… encouraged by you, to step out of my comfort zone. Thank you for believing in me. As always, I hope to make you proud.”

Listen to “Feel Like I Do” above.

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Did The Rock Really Rip The Gate Off Of His Mansion With His Bare Hands In A Fit Of Rage?

I don’t know if this happens to the rest of you. I know it happens to me, though. Some weird and/or goofy news story will pop up and the world and I will be like, “Huh, that’s weird and/or goofy,” and then a few days will go by and the world will move on to something else and I just will not. I’ll keep grinding away at all of it, not by choice. My brain won’t let it go. I’ll be ready to fall asleep and then whoosh in it flies and I’m up for another hour thinking about it. Examples include: Liam Gallagher claiming to own 2,000 tambourines; Barbra Streisand getting her dog cloned and writing an essay about it in the New York Times; and, most recently, The Rock going on Instagram and telling the world he ripped his mansion’s front gate off with his bare hands in a fit of power-outage-induced rage.

Context will help. Here is the post in question, complete with a picture of the mangled metal and busted brick foundation.

And here is his caption in blockquote form, just so we’re all fully informed before we move on.

Not my finest hour 🤦🏽‍♂️, but a man’s gotta go to work.
We experienced a power outage due to severe storms, causing my front gate not to open.
I tried to override the hydraulic system to open the gates, which usually works when power goes out – but this time it wouldn’t.
Made some calls to see how fast I can get the gate tech on site, but I didn’t have 45min to wait.
By this time, I know I have hundreds of production crew members waiting for me to come to work so we can start our day.
So I did what I had to do.
I pushed, pulled and ripped the gate completely off myself.
Tore it out of the brick wall, severed the steel hydraulics and threw it on the grass.
My security team was able to meet the gate technician and welders about an hour later — and they were apparently, “in disbelief and equally scared” 🤣
Not my finest hour, but I had to go to work.
And I think I’m 💯 ready to be #blackadam 😄💪🏾
#ripgates

He posted this last Saturday, almost a full week ago. I have been thinking about it ever since. Not, like, constantly. I’ve thought about other things this week too, mostly sandwiches I’ve eaten or would like to eat, but I have definitely thought about at least once a day. Usually more. I’m sure it’s perfectly healthy.

Here’s the main question I have at this point, the one I’m about to investigate: Did The Rock really do this? Did he really rip his mansion’s front gate off with his bare hands in a fit of power-outage-induced rage? Let’s do a little Case For, Case Against.

THE CASE FOR

Getty Image

OCCAM’S RAZOR

If given two competing hypotheses for the same outcome, the one that requires the fewest assumptions is preferable. The Rock is a big, strong dude — so big and strong that people all over the world call him “The Rock” even though his name is Dwayne — who says he ripped his front gate off with his bare hands in a fit of rage. I mean, I can dig that. Especially when you consider two additional factors:

  • The Rock has never given us a reason to question his integrity in the past
  • Prior to this happening, if I had come up to you on the street on the street and said “The Rock yoinked the front gate of his mansion off with his bare hands in a fit of rage,” I imagine you’d just accept it as a thing that is probable enough to believe without argument

Also, he posted this video of the damage later to back it up.

Occam’s Razor. The simplest explanation is the one he’s given us.

I REALLY WANT IT TO BE TRUE

Close your eyes. Wait. Not now. Finish reading this next part first. Then close your eyes. And work up this image in your mind.

You are a very successful surgeon. You have worked hard your entire life: 80 hour weeks as a resident, hundreds of thousands of dollars in student debt you’ve paid off, a booming practice that allowed you to purchase a mansion in an exclusive neighborhood. You wake up one morning — like any other morning, normal routine — and get dressed and eat a light breakfast and kiss your spouse and children goodbye for the day. (“I won’t be too late tonight,” you say.) You hop in your car — the luxury sports car you’ve dreamed about owning since you were a child — and back out of your driveway and start heading down your street. Your brain starts to drift a bit. You lose yourself in your music, with the top-down and the wind blowing. You follow the road around the bend and turn the volume up and HOLY SHIT THE ROCK IS RIPPING THE GATE TO HIS MANSION RIGHT OUT OF ITS BRICK FOUNDATIONS WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

Grunting, sweating, veins bursting out of his arms like a mountain range on a topographical map. The whole thing. Now picture the rest of that day, for you, the surgeon, after seeing that. There’s a non-zero chance it consumes you to the point you lose a patient on the operating table. I told you I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

OKAY, I DON’T HAVE A THIRD REASON, I JUST WANTED TO SAY HOW MUCH I ENJOY THE PICTURE AT THE TOP OF THIS SECTION

It’s a good picture.

This brings us to…

THE CASE AGAINST

Getty Image

THE INTERNET HAS BROKEN ME

Two problems here. The first is that years of pranksters and rascals and trolls playing tricks over the internet has conditioned my brain to smash the big red button that says “FAKE” whenever I see something that seems too cool or too perfect or that could possibly be used by some money-making entity to get me to spend my money in some way. Jimmy Kimmel has done this numerous times, as have Nathan Fielder and dozens of lesser imitators who want to exploit the gullibility of excitable people on the internet.

Which gets us to the second problem. In the first caption, at the very end, he mentions playing Black Adam in an upcoming movie, a true thing that is happening and is both good and fine. He includes the hashtag. There’s a simple, innocent explanation here, which is that The Rock is a relentless promoter and figured he could juice this a bit, a lemonade from lemons situation. But it also smells a little like viral marketing. This is not The Rock’s fault. This is the fault of the rest of the world. But it still resulted in my brain looking over at that “FAKE” button, just for a second.

IT SEEMS… IMPROBABLE?

Right? I don’t know. It’s a fuzzy line. Like, if your neighbor Carl said he did this, you’d be like “Shut up, Carl. And give me back my hedge trimmers.” (Freaking Carl.) And even after over a decade of watching The Rock do things in movies like, say, flex so hard that it bursts his recently broken arm right out of its cast, it still seems like… a lot?

Consider:

Why didn’t he just walk around the gate and call an Uber?

Why didn’t he have one of the many people waiting for him come pick him up?

Is The Rock revealing that he has, like, troubling anger issues?

Is The Rock okay?

The pandemic is stressing everyone out. I get it. If you need to talk about it, The Rock, please feel free to DM me.

TO BE HONEST, I DON’T HAVE A THIRD REASON FOR THIS ONE EITHER, I’M JUST REPEATING THE BIT FROM BEFORE

Something about this picture is the funniest thing in the world to me. I might be thinking about this for a week next. It’s probably the umbrella, though.

Anyway…

VERDICT

I am just going to go ahead and keep believing The Rock ripped the gate to his mansion out of its brick foundations with his bare hands in a fit of rage, in part because of all the reasons I laid out in the Case For section, and in part because I could really use this in my life right now. Like I said, everyone is stressed. Let me have this. Let me live in a world where The Rock is out here destroying his malfunctioning personal property like the Incredible Hulk. It’s nicer here.

Do not take this from me. Not yet, at least. I’m begging you.

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George Clooney Doesn’t ‘Look So Good’ In His Netflix Movie, ‘The Midnight Sky’

George Clooney hasn’t starred in a movie since 2016 (remember Money Monster? Me neither), but it’s not as if the Oscar winner has been off the radar the past four years. He’s just been more focused on his tequila company than being in major motion pictures. Clooney’s star-less streak ends, however, with Netflix’s The Midnight Sky, where he plays a scientist who’s trying to stop a group of astronauts (including Felicity Jones and Kyle Chandler) from returning home. Clooney also directed the film, but he’s ready to be on-screen again, and for people to be surprised at what they see.

“I don’t look so good,” he told Vanity Fair. “I’m not even 60 yet, but the character is 70. Unfortunately, I’m looking closer to that. I’ve always looked a little older, but now I really look like I am. I’d say I look like my father, but my father looks better than me.”

Clooney shaved for the role “and I tried to do it kind of badly so that it looked patchy. And I’ve got some pretty funky scars on my head in general,” he said. “Since [his character, Augustine] is clearly dying of something that he has to have a transfusion for, which is usually some form of cancer, it was important to me to add some elements so that I didn’t look like I look normally.” It must be tough going from being the most handsome man on the planet to merely one of the most handsome men on the planet (or in this case, space):

“There was a stillness to the character that I really liked. You need to be of a certain age for it to actually hurt. When you’re younger, we don’t feel like we’ve had enough life experiences for things like this to actually hurt you in your chest… It felt like I was the right age, and it was a good time for me to move into this kind of role.”

He’s not a Soggy Bottom Boy — he’s a Soggy Bottom Old Man. The Midnight Sky, which was written by Mark L. Smith (The Revenant), premieres on Netflix in December.

(Via Vanity Fair)

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People Have Thoughts About Tory Lanez’s New Project And His Megan Thee Stallion Accusations

Tory Lanez has been the subject of much criticism in recent months (to put it lightly) since he was accused of shooting Megan Thee Stallion. The rapper generated more attention yesterday when he declared that he would break his silence on the situation before releasing a new project, Daystar.

On Daystar, Lanez tells his side of the story and claims that Meg is actually framing him for the shooting. He also took the opportunity to call out some of his detractors, including Kehlani and Kaash Paige.

With the project, Lanez has given music fans a lot to digest. It’s been hours since the release of Daystar, so folks have had plenty of time to share reactions to it on Twitter, and indeed they have.

Some people called out what they see as hypocrisy of Lanez fans hyping up the project while also demanding justice for Breonna Taylor, with one user summarizing, “How are y’all going to sit here and be activist for Breonna Taylor but bumping Tory Lanez new album ???”

There was also criticism for fans who were convinced by Lanez’s arguments, with one Twitter user writing, “So y’all wouldnt believe Megan and kept asking her to post proof but Tory dumbass make a single lyrics and y’all already believe him?”

People who decided to listen to Lanez’s new project also caught some heat for supporting the rapper:

Check out some other reactions below.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.