Category: Viral

The last bow that needs to be tied on this crazy European soccer season will resume this weekend. Beginning on Friday, the final few matches in the Champions League round of 16 will finish up. From there, an all-out race in a slightly-modified format will occur with the goal of identifying the best club team in all of Europe, which will culminate in an eight-team field taking to pitches across Portugal.

To get you prepared, we tossed together a quick primer on how Champions League will work this year, the clubs involved, how you can watch, and much more.

Wait there’s more soccer?

Hell yeah there is, and there’s a pretty good chance that we’re in store for the craziest two weeks that we’ve seen in some time thanks to this version of the Champions League.

Why’s that?

So the way Champions League knockout rounds usually work is that, during the season, clubs will play a two-legged tie with the aggregate score determining who moves on. That happened with four of the eight ties in the round of 16 (we’ll get to them momentarily). The other four, however, were slated to occur during the week in March that the entire sporting universe shut down due to COVID-19, and were indefinitely suspended — this, unfortunately (and unknowingly at the time), happened a little too late, and two of the CL tilts during the previous week were tied to coronavirus outbreaks.

Seems bad.

It was. Wear a mask.

So what’s happening now?

Well, UEFA decided to let domestic leagues finish up before having clubs focus on European competition. They’re all wrapped up, and now, UEFA tweaked how the tournament will work. The remaining four round of 16 ties will occur in home stadiums as planned, and the team that moves on from there will be determined by aggregate score. Then, the remaining eight clubs will head to Portugal for a single-elimination knockout tournament for the quarters, semis, and finals. One can argue this won’t necessarily mean that the best team remaining wins, because weird stuff happens in one soccer game, but it is going to be wild.

Oh interesting. What are the matches that need to be all sorted out?

The round of 16 match everyone will be tuned into is Manchester City against Real Madrid. Two of the 3-5 best sides on earth, City (the Premier League runners-up) beat Madrid (the champions of La Liga), 2-1, in Spain earlier this year. The first leg was tremendous, and Madrid has an uphill battle ahead of it.

That happens on Aug. 7, the same day as Lyon against Juventus. The French side defended its home turf with a 1-0 victory earlier this year, and now, things head to Turin. While Lyon is quite good, the Italian champions are still quite good, and as we’ve seen over and over, Cristiano Ronaldo is really good at finding ways to drag his sides to a win, particularly in the Champions League.

A day later, we have one tie that is basically done and dusted. Bayern Munich went to London and beat Chelsea, 3-0, and even if Christian Pulisic didn’t appear to seriously hurt his hamstring in Saturday’s FA Cup final, this would be a near-impossible task for the Blues to pull off against perhaps the best side in the world. Far more compelling is Napoli against Barcelona. The second leg is in Catalonia, and while the aggregate score is 1-1, and while Barcelona is better on paper, it’s been a weird year for them and they’ve just randomly had matches where they look wretched. They should go through, but a solid (albeit underperforming in their league) Napoli side will challenge them, particularly because they enter this match with a reduced squad. Then again, one of those players is Lionel Messi, who is the great player of all time.

How can I watch?

Well, you know how television companies are overreacting to cord cutting and making it so things are no longer on television? And instead you have to buy an app that is 30-90 seconds behind everything and it buffers all the time and it’s garbage?

Oh no…

CBS All Access! Every match is on the app, with select matches including the final being on the app and CBS Sports Network, which you know and love as the place that has Conference USA football games. Here’s the schedule (all times ET):

Friday, Aug. 7:
Manchester City vs. Real Madrid, 3 p.m. (CBSSN)
Juventus vs. Lyon, 3 p.m.

Saturday, Aug. 8:
Barcelona vs. Napoli, 3 p.m. (CBSSN)
Bayern Munich vs. Chelsea, 3 p.m.

What about beyond that?

Good news! Here’s that:

Wednesday, Aug. 12:
Atalanta vs. Paris Saint-Germain, 3 p.m.

Thursday, Aug. 13:
RB Leipzig vs. Atletico Madrid, 3 p.m.

Friday, Aug. 14:
Napoli/Barcelona vs. Chelsea/Bayern Munich, 3 p.m.

Saturday. Aug. 15:
Real Madrid/Manchester City vs. Lyon/Juventus, 3 p.m.

The semis take place on Aug. 18 and 19, both at 3 p.m., while the final is on Aug. 23. That, too, kicks at 3 p.m.

OK, so who did the teams already through beat?

Paris Saint-Germain knocked out Borussia Dortmund, Atalanta flew past Valencia, Atletico Madrid survived against Liverpool, and RB Leipzig knocked off Tottenham.

Wait Liverpool lost? Aren’t they super good?

They are! The Reds marched to the Premier League title, but they’re a great example of how fickle this tournament can be. They were better over 180 minutes than Atletico Madrid, but Atleti got an early goal in the first leg then clamped down. When things returned to Merseyside, Atleti keeper Jan Oblak was out of his mind — he saved nine of the 11 shots on goal he faced — and the Spanish side came out in extra time.

Under normal circumstances, the randomness of Champions League lends itself to stuff like this. Sometimes, better and more talented teams get tricky matchups, and total statistical outliers occur, and the worse team ends up scoring one more goal over 180 minutes. There are times when you just have to throw your hands up and acknowledge that you lost. That could, potentially, be magnified given how the amount of time for ties to resolve themselves are cut in half.

So does this mean the best team isn’t going to win?

It’s possible. Also impacting this is how the draw broke down. The one half of the Champions League bracket is, of course, packed with good teams, but the other half of the bracket is absolutely stacked.

With all due respect to Leipzig, Atleti, Atalanta, and PSG — all of whom are quite good and, in the case of the Parisians, are among the favorites to win this whole thing — the fact that only one of City, Madrid, Juve, Barca, or Bayern will make the final is totally wild. Anyone who tells you they know who is going to win is lying.

Ok so who’s going to win?

Why are you doing this to me we just went over this.

Well, you’re doing this to yourself, as I am merely a reflection of your internal dialogue as you map out the road that this post is going to take.

Good point.

Answer the question then your editor is getting annoyed.

Outside of Bayern, figuring out who is going to advance out of the remaining round of 16 ties is next to impossible. Sure, City and Lyon are ahead of Madrid and Juve, and Napoli-Barca is a draw (albeit one where Barcelona has an away goal), but everything is on the table in all three of those ties. The most likely scenario is probably something like this: City has built up enough of a cushion to survive Madrid, which will throw everything it can at their opponents’ leaky defense but could be quite vulnerable without their captain, Sergio Ramos, due to a red card suspension. A very good Juve side is able to battle back against Lyon, which has played one competitive match since March due to the pandemic. Messi drags Barcelona to a win in his own building. There is at least a 75 percent chance I go 0-for-3.

Want me to just go through the 12 teams left and say why all of them will win?

Sure whatever.

Alright!

Atalanta: Because the goals don’t dry up. Outside of Manchester City and Bayern Munich, no one in the major European leagues scores as frequently as the Italian side. They may be the best team to watch if you’re a neutral — Duvan Zapata, Luis Muriel, and Josip Ilicic score like madmen, and Papu Gomez sets the table for them as well as anyone in Europe.

Atletico Madrid: They clamp down on everyone. Few teams are better at defending as an 11-man unit, and when they are able to get an early goal, Atleti’s calling card for years has been the unparalleled ability to make games gross. You will not have fun watching if they win, but they might.

Bayern: They’re the most well-rounded team in the world. From back to front, there aren’t many weaknesses for the German champions. They have won every single match they’ve played dating back to December, sans for one draw against a very good RB Leipzig side, and looked unbeatable during Germany’s restart.

Barcelona: They have the best player of all time. This Barcelona team is incredibly flawed, but in what amounts to a bunch of knockout games, having Lionel Messi is the ultimate trump card if everything else works out. Having Marc-Andre ter Stegen in goal helps a whole lot, too.

Chelsea: A miracle happens. They’re not coming back and beating Bayern. I’ll eat a flip flop if they do.

Juventus: They have the best big-game player in the world. There is a sense of inevitability when Cristiano Ronaldo is on the pitch, which will be the case in Champions League. Juve limped to the end of the season and struggled to score goals, and they haven’t always looked cohesive, but Ronaldo just has a way of winning big games.

Lyon: Their young legs outrun everyone. Like Chelsea, Lyon needs a lot to go right to get past the teams they’d need to beat. They do boast a ton of young talent — Moussa Dembele, Houssem Aouar, Bruno Guimaraes, etc. — and maybe all of them, along with the relatively young Memphis Depay, can pull off something special.

Manchester City: They finish their chances. City have two modes: Score five goals, or struggle to score one and whip in a bunch of aimless crosses. They are the most talented team on earth, and on their day, no one can beat them. But with a defense that can be leaky and a star-studded attack that can be wasteful, City are their own worst enemies at times.

Napoli: They catch better teams on bad days. Napoli is a solid side, and their center back pairing of Kalidou Koulibaly and Kostas Manolas is quite good on their best day. They’ve had some inconsistent play this year, their ability to create and finish chances isn’t always there, and their path to surviving their half of the bracket is insanely narrow. Apologies to the club from my ancestral homeland.

PSG: Kylian Mbappe gets healthy and they don’t do what they always do. The best young footballer in the world picked up a knock in PSG’s last match, he’s not expected to go against Atalanta, and it is unclear if he’ll be able to play after that. And then, there’s just the general propensity PSG has to crash and burn. They are the best side in their half of the bracket. They can win the whole thing if they play like it.

RB Leipzig: Chaos reigns. Leipzig are an intense, high-energy side that is capable of overwhelming opposing squads, especially when Timo Werner is able to get loose and be put in position to finish chances, which he does quite well. They can make some noise if — and this is a gigantic if — they can avoid shooting themselves in the foot.

Real Madrid: They follow the blueprint. Zinedine Zidane won three Champions Leagues in a row at the helm of Madrid from 2015-18. He, and his players, know what they need to do to win this competition, and it helps that they are brimming with confidence after chasing down Barcelona to win La Liga. They are an incredibly talented side, and if they can rally to beat Manchester City — a gigantic ask, especially without Ramos — they very well might be the favorites to win the whole thing.

So any of like seven or eight teams have a really good chance.

That’s right.

Seems fun!

It is! Champions League is my favorite club competition in the world. The level at which teams play and the intensity that they bring in this competition is second to none, something that should be magnified by this being a single-elimination tournament. I think you’ll enjoy it, and I highly recommend watching as much as you can.

Ryan Reynolds recently discussed the fate of Deadpool and Aviation Gin’s rise (with a stint from the Peloton Lady) in a Fast Company provile that also drew attention for what he considers to be a huge mistake. No, I’m not talking about Green Lantern (Deadpool 2 already took care of that issue during a post-credits montage) but, rather, Reynolds and Blake Lively’s 2012 wedding ceremony at a former plantation in South Carolina.

The subject arose in conversation after Fast Company noted that Reynolds continues to employ his companies’ full-time employees “at full pay and benefits,” during the pandemic, but the recent Black Lives Matter protests caused him to reflect upon his wedding venue. The choice did not go unnoticed at the time, but Reynolds got called out, big time, when he tweeted support for 2018’s Black Panther release, and he was greeted with reminders of how he got married on lands where slaves suffered. Reynolds told Fast Company that he was “deeply and unreservedly sorry” and called the move “a giant f*cking mistake,” among other things, like how it’s “impossible to reconcile” that he hadn’t realized the gravity of the venue (“a place built upon devastating tragedy”) when he and Lively checked the place out on Pinterest.

Via Fox News, Boone Hall heard the ruckus and has responded:

“We treasure all our relationships with couples that have chosen to get married at Boone Hall, and, when needed, respond to them in private, honest, and personal discussions to address any concerns they may have. The discussions are heartfelt as we want to listen and put love and respect at the center of any issues that arise. We will always work to be a part of the solution for our couples, not a part of the problem.”

Perhaps also in response to Reynolds’ distancing, Boone Hall Instagrammed a photo with the caption, “Love Will Always Win.” For his part, Reynolds took to Instagram during the George Floyd protests with the following statement (stressing that he and Lively are committed to teaching their children about systemic racism, and they made a sizeable donation to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund).

(Via Fast Company & Fox News)

The NBA and its players have been clear that the ongoing bubble in Orlando to wrap up the 2019-20 season is being done with an eye on promoting various causes relating to social justice. Whether it’s been sizable donations, acts of non-violent protest before games, or stressing that the police officers who killed Breonna Taylor have not yet been arrested, those in the bubble have made it clear that they do not want this to serve as a distraction from the current moment. Instead, the goal has been to use the attention that the NBA has been afforded during its restart to keep all of this in the public eye.

Chris Paul made this clear on Wednesday night following the Oklahoma City Thunder’s 105-86 win over the Los Angeles Lakers. Paul, the president of the Players Association and someone who has been instrumental in putting the bubble league together, spoke to Rachel Nichols about how the focus on social justice has gone. While he was complimentary of the work that everyone has been doing, the soon-to-be Hall of Fame inductee made it clear that everyone will keep their foot on the gas.

“Going pretty well, but we’re just gonna keep it going, you know what I mean?” Paul said. “I think guys are coming together, starting to feel like we’ve got a lot of things in common, trying to encourage people to vote, continue to keep Breonna Taylor’s name out there, keep supporting our WNBA women out there, and just keep educating ourselves and learning as we go.”

Paul’s comments came several hours after the league, in conjunction with the NBPA, announced that its Board of Governors will donate $300 million over the next decade to the NBA Foundation. The goal of the donation is to create “greater economic empowerment in the Black community.”

Harlem rapper Juelz Santana, formerly of popular early-2000s rap crew The Diplomats, has been released from prison, per representatives for the rapper to messages to XXL and Pitchfork. Social media posts from the rapper’s account confirm that he is back home with family, as Juelz posed with his children while wearing a face mask, writing “Juelz Free” and “I missed my family… GOD is good!” in the captions.

Juelz, best known for verses on Dipset leader Cam’ron’s 2002 singles “Oh Boy” and “Hey Ma,” as well as his appearance on Chris Brown’s early career single “Run It,” was sentenced to 27 months in prison for carrying a handgun in his bag at Newark Liberty International Airport. When airport screeners discovered the .38 handgun in his carry-on, Juelz reportedly fled the scene, leaving behind his ID, luggage, and passport. He finally turned himself in after a few days, reaching a plea deal for a reduced sentence. As a felon, each of the charges against him, including possession of a weapon and possession of a controlled dangerous substance, could have led to double-digit sentences.

With his release, Juelz can return to making music, although being inside didn’t slow him down much. In February, he appeared on the song “Pink Eagle” alongside fellow Dipset member Jim Jones and their Harlem compatriot Dave East.

While most of the industry was shut down due to the coronavirus pandemic, first-time Emmy nominee Zendaya and Tenet star John David Washington made a movie with Euphoria creator Sam Levinson. Malcolm & Marie was filmed between mid-June and early-July, according to Deadline, and the shoot was reportedly “compliant with WGA, DGA, and SAG-AFTRA approvals and COVID-19 safety protocols.” Little is known about the film (it’s supposedly thematically similar to last year’s Marriage Story), but in an interview with InStyle, Zendaya discussed what the secret shoot was like.

“It was an incredible experience. I’d been talking to Sam often during the quarantine. Sometimes he’d just call to shoot the sh*t and chat about life. And eventually I said to him, ‘I need to do something creative.’ So we bounced ideas back and forth, and then he started writing,” Zendaya said. Levinson reached out to Washington, free from his obligations of doing press for Tenet, “we fronted our own money and put it together ourselves. Our crew was a very small group of people who are also from Euphoria“:

“The number one thing was safety. Everyone had to quarantine and get tested in order to shoot in isolation. We created our own little bubble and made sure that once we were in, we couldn’t leave. We were able to workshop and rehearse together — it was very much like a play. I did my own hair and makeup and dressed in my own clothes. And then we shot in black and white on film, so we’ll see how it turns out. I think we were able to create something really special. And I’m grateful that we learned how to do it on our own.”

Malcolm & Marie doesn’t have a release date, but you know what does have a release date? Dune (December 18), which Zendaya has a small role in. She was surprised to herself in the trailer, and after watching it, she called co-star Timothée Chalamet and excitedly told him, “Dude! You should be proud.” That “insane charisma” is infectious.

(Via InStyle)

It’s been over a year since Jamila Woods released her landmark sophomore album Legacy! Legacy!. Each track on the record is named after a different artist of color like “Basquiat” and “Baldwin.” Now, the singer is remembering the late author Toni Morrison, who died just a few months after Woods released last year’s album.

Woods debuted the single “Sula (Paperback)” Thursday, inspired by Morrison’s 1973 novel Sula. The book was the first Woods had ever read by Morrison, and the singer was instantly inspired by Morrison’s depiction of the relationship between protagonists Sula Peace and Nel Wright.

About the novel and song, Woods said, “It’s the first Toni Morisson novel I ever read and it inspired the first chapbook of poems I ever wrote. The novel shows the evolution of a friendship between two Black women and how they choose to navigate society’s strict gender roles and rules of respectability. On Sula, Toni Morrison wrote, ‘living totally by the law and surrendering totally to it without questioning anything sometimes makes it impossible to know anything about yourself.’ Returning to the story several years later, it gave me permission to reject confining ideas about my identity designed to shrink my spirit. It reminded me to embrace my tenderness, my sensitivities, my ways of being in my body. This song is a mantra to allow myself space to experience my gender, love, intimacy, and sexuality on my own terms.”

Listen to “Sula (Paperback)” above.

Legacy! Legacy! is out now via Jagjaguwar.

On Aug. 21, a major PGA Tour video game title will make its return to the market when PGA Tour 2K21 drops for Xbox One, PlayStation 4, Nintendo Switch, and PC.

HB Studios, which has produced The Golf Club franchise, is heading up the project for 2K and earlier this week they hosted a virtual press preview event that Uproxx attended to offer details about will be in the game as well as some gameplay preview. For gamers that have been waiting for a PGA Tour video game to make a return, there’s plenty to get excited about. Let’s get into everything you need to know about PGA Tour 2K21, including game modes, who and what is in the game, customization options, microtransactions, and much more.

What golfers are in PGA Tour 2K21?

A dozen PGA Tour pros got scanned into the game, headlined by cover athlete Justin Thomas and (pre-beefed up) Bryson DeChambeau. The pros serve as your rivals in your MyCareer, with various challenges to clear to beat them, unlocking prizes along the way. Players were given 360-degree facial scans but their swings were not scanned and no motion capture work was done for this edition.

Justin Thomas
Cameron Champ
Bryson DeChambeau
Matt Kuchar
Kevin Kisner
Gary Woodland
Billy Horschel
Ian Poulter
Tony Finau
Jim Furyk
Sergio Garcia
Patrick Cantlay

What courses are in the game?

There are 15 officially licensed courses that will be in PGA Tour 2K21 upon launch. Detroit Golf Club is also in process of being scanned and created and will be added after the game’s release, with plans for at least one more course addition.

Atlantic Beach Country Club
Copperhead Course (Innisbrook)
East Lake Golf Club
Quail Hollow Club
Riviera Country Club
TPC Boston
TPC Deere Run
TPC Louisiana
TPC River Highlands
TPC San Antonio
TPC Sawgrass
TPC Scottsdale
TPC Southwind
TPC Summerlin
TPC Twin Cities

How will the courses play?

We spoke with lead designer Shaun West of HB Studios about the course scanning process, which they promise will provide the most realistic gameplay a golf game has ever seen. In partnership with Terra Imaging through a process that took three months per course, the courses were scanned by drones, providing HD video as well as terrain details, to allow the studio to create exact replicas of the courses.

“The process that they use for scanning the courses flying drones over it, taking photogrammetry and video and combining all that information into 3D data that we could then optimize and put into our course designer really let us take the product to the next level,” West said of the process, which began with The Golf Club 19. “We’ve taken that a step further this time using that process with all of our courses we’re launching in 2K21.”

Previous games have had green scans to replicate the undulations of the putting surfaces, but with the Terra Imaging process, HB Studios is able to bring a more complete course to the player. As anyone who has played Sawgrass or East Lake or any of these courses can attest, the course designers put painstaking detail into the sloping of fairways and bunkering to make the course play as desired, and that hasn’t always translated to video game golf.

“We wanted to take this step and make sure that it wasn’t just the greens, we were stepping back from there to the bunkers and the fairways and even the tee boxes,” said West. “We wanted to make sure the elevation changes and all of those nuances in the fairways, like those lumps and bumps that you see, they’re easy to forget if you’re just looking at photo reference to build a course. So, this scanning process allows us to map the entire square footage area of the course. It’s literally everything. We clean up some trees and noise that might be on the course to flatten out those areas, but in general we’ve got very precise data for everything from the tee to green and it’s been a huge success thus far.”

The gameplay video we’ve seen has shown the fruits of that labor, as there’s not just general sloping to fairways, but a very real look to them and how the mounds and dips effect tee shots and lies.

Who announces the game?

Luke Elvy and Rich Beem are in the booth, with John McCarthy as the on-course reporter.

What does the MyCareer mode look like?

Starting with Q-School on the Korn Ferry Tour, your player (which can be fully customized with facial features, hair, accessories, etc., BUT will not include facial scanning options) will begin their PGA Tour career. The season runs for 30 tournaments, playing the 15 licensed courses in the game as well as some other courses that were created and imported from The Golf Club 19, and ending with the Tour Championship at East Lake. You gain sponsorship deals as you go along, as well as competing with your aforementioned rivals. The MyCareer mode was the focal point of this edition of the game — along with online play and the course designer (!) which we’ll get to and more.

You gain XP and VC throughout your career to add more gear and clubs — VC can also be purchase.

So, more microtransactions?

Yes, in the sense that it’s an option, but as they told it to us it won’t matter a ton. For one, all players stay at the same level and all have the same swing, which is to say you don’t increase skills through XP or VC boosts. On top of that, while the clubs all have various attributes, they attempted to balance them to where any club with a certain strength (say, distance) also has a weakness (like, forgiveness) so that buying new equipment does not automatically make your player better. As such, players are rewarded for working their way up to new equipment, but there isn’t a prohibitive advantage to dropping major money on VC.

That’s good news, but how does one make it more challenging or get better?

There are six preset difficulty modes, ranging from Rookie to Legendary, that will make the game easier or harder — and customizing difficulty settings is also an option. These will impact swing sensitivity and forgiveness for errors with your swing, how much the rough and other conditions impact the ball and more. Playing at a higher difficulty will also give you an XP multiplier for each round.

OK, so about that course designer note. That sounds really cool. How’s it work?

It is very cool! The course designer allows you to fully build your own course, either through beginning templates or by starting with a totally blank canvas of a property. There are various themes to begin with — like desert and tropical — and literally thousands of different objects, trees, bushes, hazards, ponds, lakes, bunkers, and other assets you can add to your course. New to this year’s game compared to The Golf Club 19 is the ability to put any object in any course — rather than being confined to objects from your chosen “theme.” Once you finish building a course, that will be uploaded to the PGA Tour 2K21 community and available to play on all platforms. It’s going to be maybe the best part of the game, and surely the part that will keep players coming back for more even once they’ve mastered the 15 courses in the game.

You also mentioned online play, what will that look like?

There are two ways to play online. One is through online matchmaking, which will allow you to drop into matches (of various formats) against players from all over — NOTE: there is no crossplay, so you can only play against those on the same platform. You can play stroke play, match play, skins, alternate shot, and, new to this year’s game, 4-player scrambles.

The other option is to create or join a Society, which is really the hallmark of The Golf Club franchise. This allows you to run your own club with friends online (or open one to the public) and create tournaments, play matches with others in your Society. For those that don’t want to operate a club, you can simply join one — there will be massive, open to all societies available to join.

Let’s go back to customization. What brands have products in the game?

A number of the major club manufacturers and clothing lines in golf are available — with some notable exceptions like Titleist, Ping, Nike, and others.

Cobra/Puma
TaylorMade
Callaway
Bridgestone
Ben Hogan
Wilson

adidas
Polo Ralph Lauren
Under Armour
Travis Mathew
Malbon Golf
Skechers
Penguin
PGA Tour
Jack Nicklaus
Grand Slam Performance

Can I customize my swing?

No. As they explain it, the focus on this year’s game was on the career mode, online play, and getting all of the courses replicated as best as possible. As such, they updated their standard swing in the game, but that is the lone option. That said, the training mode does allow you to perfect your swing and calibrate your joystick (right stick is the swing stick) to ensure your transition is smooth, as fast or slow transitions lead to draws and fades, respectively.

What are the swing control options?

The game allows for a number of swing control options to allow players to make the swing they want at any given time. You can shape your shot right or left (left bumper + left joystick) to hit draws and fades, with your swing tempo also factoring in. You also can change your attack angle to create more or less spin, as well as partial swings, which you’ll have to control with your backswing, which will be assisted by a percentage bar at the bottom that will show you the preferred range to draw the club back for the distance you’ve chosen.

Cheesecake isn’t for everyone. The decadent mixture of cream cheese (or sometimes ricotta, shout out to Italian cheesecake) crumbly graham cracker crust, butter, eggs, and loads of sugar is more than a bit rich. In fact, it’s a weird dessert overall. It takes two disparate things people love, mashes them together, and ends up being neither cheese nor cake in its final form. Our point is, cheesecake, unlike say, ice cream, is a divisive dessert. So when we learned that Cheesecake Factory had a seven flavor line of cheesecake-flavored ice creams, we knew we had to rank them.

The Cheesecake Factory line — available nationwide — features an ultra-rich blend of cream cheese, sour cream, and ice cream in seven flavors which include Birthday Cake, Chocolate, Cookies & Cream, Key Lime, Original, Salted Caramel, and Strawberry. It is not, for the record, regular ice cream that happens to be made by the Cheesecake Factory. This is cheesecake Cheesecake Factory ice cream, which is important to remember because if you dive into the chocolate thinking there isn’t going to be a tart aftertaste, you’re in for a rude awakening.

To rank these, we’ll be using a five cheesecake rating system. Try them yourself and argue with us in the comments. It is summer after all, and nothing melts away quarantine boredom quite like eating then arguing over something sweet.

Key Lime

Oh boy, we’re in for a rough start here folks. This is… well, it’s not good. Key Lime Pie and cheesecake speak to the same type of sweet tooth, they both utilize egg, are both tart, and both sit atop a graham cracker crust — so this flavor seems like a winner.

It’s not.

Where a slice of Key Lime pie is bursting with a refreshing and tart flavor, the Cheesecake Factory Lime cheesecake ice cream is just off-puttingly sour. Graham cracker swirls try their best to add some much-needed texture and a counter flavor to tamp down some of the sourness, but ultimately the mixture of sour cream, cheesecake ice cream blend, and key lime will convince you that your carton has expired.

Seriously, skip this one.

Our Rating:

Eat a real slice of cheesecake instead, even if you hate cheesecake.

Salted Caramel

When we tried the Salted Caramel entry, a concern rose to the fore: was every flavor of this ice cream going to be bad? We’re not trying to be negative here, but between Cheesecake Factory Key Lime and Salted Caramel ice creams, it was starting to feel like whoever conceived of this ice cream pitched the line of flavors by saying “let’s ruin perfectly delicious ice cream flavors by adding cheesecake into the mix.”

This flavor is all out of whack. The sea salt clashes with the sour cream and cheesecake blend, creating an overwhelmingly sharp and salty aftertaste that lingers on the palate well past its welcome. Good luck trying to cleanse your palate after a spoonful of this stuff. While the caramel flavor is overpowered by the salted cream cheese, it still manages to create a sticky mess that clings too easily to the walls of your mouth and never really mixes into the ice cream base.

Our Rating:

1 cheesecake out of 5. Salted Caramel is one of the greatest ice cream flavors of all time, but the near-perfect blend of flavors can’t hold up when you mess with the formula.

Cookies and Cream

We’ve finally woken up from the nightmare. Cheesecake Factory Cookies and Cream ice cream isn’t the best flavor of the bunch, but its a marked improvement over the flavors that precede it. The tartness of the cheesecake blend pairs nicely with creamy chocolate and vanilla ice cream, and the chocolate cookie swirls add an extra dose of rich chocolate and texture. The only thing that let us down about this flavor was the lack of large cookie chunks in the ice cream, bigger pieces of the oreo-like cookie would’ve really kicked this flavor up a notch and brought it more in line with the Cheesecake Factory’s own signature Oreo Cheesecake.

We had high hopes for this one, and while we don’t want to call it a disappointment, it failed to truly wow us.

Our Rating:

2 out of 5 cheesecakes. A league above the Key Lime and Salted Caramel flavors, but nothing remarkable.

Original

One spoonful of Cheesecake Factory’s Original Cheesecake ice cream will help you to realize why the franchise decided to shoot their shot by launching seven different flavors. This stuff is good and if the idea of cheesecake ice cream sounds insane to you, this flavor will make you believe it’s as legitimate an ice cream option as rocky road or pistachio.

A nicely balanced blend of vanilla ice cream, graham cracker swirls, cream cheese, and sour cream, Cheesecake Factory’s Original flavor not only belongs in your fridge, but we can easily see it being one of your top 10 ice cream flavors, even if you aren’t crazy about cheesecake.

Our Rating:

3 out of 5 cheesecakes. A great place to start if you’re wondering if cheesecake ice cream is for you.

Birthday Cake

Okay, this is way better than it deserves to be and we’re ashamed to admit it. We don’t want to offend you if you ride hard for Birthday Cake flavored ice cream, but that’s a flavor for babies, fam. It’s like preferring funfetti over devil’s food chocolate cake. So we fully expected this flavor to be absolute trash.

But. It’s. So. Damn Good.

Seriously, we know that the idea of candy sprinkles, swirls of icing, and sour cream sounds disgusting — even typing it out makes us cringe — but this absolutely delicious. In a strange way, the Birthday Cake flavor tastes less like a Birthday Cake and more like the heavy cream and condensed milk Mexican sponge cake, Tres Leches.

The slightly tart and sour flavor is mostly masked in the insane sweetness of the Birthday Cake flavored ice cream, but supplies a pleasing aftertaste that’ll draw you in for another spoonful.

Our Rating:

4 out of 5 cheesecakes. The only reason to not have a pint of this in your freezer is that it’s embarrassing.

Chocolate

Cheesecake Factory’s Chocolate cheesecake ice cream is the only flavor in the entire line that could pass as regular ice cream. Rich chocolate fudge swirls work their way throughout this ultra-dense chocolate ice cream — which features a slightly subtle cream cheese after taste, delivering a nearly imperceptible burst of tartness.

We expected this to be one of the more boring flavors in the line, but it managed to be the pint we finished first, thanks to the bitter dark chocolate overtones.

Our Rating:

4 out of 5 cheesecakes. It’s not our favorite flavor Cheesecake Factory makes, but it’s a less embarrassing number two than the Birthday Cake!

Strawberry

Trust us, we were shocked to find strawberry in the top spot as well. While I’m by no means a hater of strawberry ice cream, I fully acknowledge that it’s the worst component of Neopolitan. Strawberry rarely tops lists — it’s a mid-tier flavor in the realm of desserts, it’s nobody’s favorite milkshake flavor, easily the worst variation of flavored milk, and the most visually unappealing variation on the Kit-Kat of all time.

But paired with cheesecake ice cream? It works beautifully.

Bits of frozen strawberry and graham cracker swirls pair perfectly with the tart undertones of the cheesecake blend, resulting in a dense, creamy, and rich experience that comes in waves, as layers of complexity reveal themselves only to quickly break down as they melt in your mouth — causing you to reach for spoonful after spoonful.

Be careful with this one!

Our Rating:

5 out of 5 cheesecakes. You need a pint of this in your freezer today. Our suggestion is to buy some fresh strawberries and add some crushed graham crackers to a few scoops to really take this to the next level. The extra graham dust will add some texture, and the fresh strawberries will make a few scoops all the more refreshing.

Towards the start of the pandemic, screenwriter and former PC Gamer editor in chief Gary Whitta (who co-wrote the story for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story) launched a fascinating endeavor. In April, he started Animal Talking, a talk show that takes place entirely within the popular Animal Crossing video game.

The show endeared itself to some big-time guests who have appeared on the program, like Elijah Wood, Brie Larson, T-Pain, and a number of others. After a successful first season, a second season of the show launched last month. On the latest episode, Whitta was joined by Selena Gomez, who discussed her relationship with Taylor Swift.

On the show, which streams live on Twitch, Gomez said, “I’ve always dreamt of doing a song with Taylor. We both wanted to do that. […] It just feels like we’re family, I’ve known her for 13 or 14 years now. She’s been my best friend, but we’ve talked about it, for sure.” When Whitta suggested it was only “a matter of time” before the two linked up on a track, Gomez replied, “You never know!”

Elsewhere on the program, Gomez told a number of corny jokes, including, “I don’t trust stairs: They’re always up to something.”

Watch the full episode here.

In the opulent video for Murda Beatz’s new summertime single “Doors Unlocked,” the prolific producer is joined by Ty Dolla Sign, Polo G, and a plethora of pretty women at an unoccupied mansion for some fun in the sun. While Murda and Polo hang out with a squad of ladies by the pool, Ty entertains his chosen companion with a bubble bath in a room full of even more bubbles. The sky above them is a hazy purple, reflecting the dreamy quality of Murda’s production on the song, which pairs gauzy synths with his usual skittering, rumbling 808s.

While Murda’s mostly laid low throughout 2020, only really popping up with one other single of his own (“Banana Split” featuring YNW Melly and Lil Durk), his beats have continued to grace projects from the likes of Lil Baby, NLE Choppa, and Polo G.

Polo, meanwhile, is coming off the release of his critically hailed sophomore album, The GOAT, and his own appearances alongside Lil Baby on Lil Durk’s “3 Headed Goat.” Kid really likes caprine mammals, I guess.

Finally, Ty Dolla Sign appears to be gearing up for the release of a project of his own after releasing the single “Ego Death” featuring Kanye West and FKA Twigs.

Watch Murda Beatz, Ty Dolla Sign, and Polo G’s “Doors Unlocked” video.

Ty Dolla Sign is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.