Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: It was the Raw after WrestleMania, Maggle! We found out there was a secret WrestleMania main event, we got some roster call-ups, trades and returns, and nary a beach ball was to be found. Will we ever have a #RawAfterMania like this again? Lord, I hope not.

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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 13, 2020.

Worst: Who Are You And What Have You Done With Brandon?!?

Hi, everybody! Scott Heisel here. You might recognize my byline around these parts, especially if you enjoy me demanding Chris Jericho listen to Mariah Carey. Brandon recently moved across the country and is waiting for his internet to get hooked up in his new residence. Until then, you get me! Think of it like that time Sabu was supposed to main event December To Dismember but you got Hardcore Holly instead. You’re welcome.

Worst: Essential Business

With news coming out over the weekend that WWE was moving back to live broadcasts for Raw, NXT and Smackdown, my heart sank. How is WWE an essential business? Why do we need No Way Jose flying across the country just to get squashed by Bobby Lashley in 1:45? We don’t. No one does.

So, why is WWE now considered an essential business by the state of Florida? Well, it could be because they’re trying to set the table for major league baseball to play a shortened season in the sunshine state, or, if you’re a conspiracy victim, it’s because WWE was in danger of breaching their live-TV contracts with USA and FOX, and Donald Trump’s head of the Small Business Administration, Linda McMahon, called Ron DeSantis to grease the wheels before her family declared bankruptcy. Honestly, it’s the flip of a coin with this administration at this point.

It is absolutely bonkers WWE is continuing to make their talent travel to a state with 21,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19 just so they can keep their inflated TV contract money coming in. To put it into some sort of perspective, the entirety of Canada only has 25,000 confirmed cases thus far. This is wildly unnecessary and unsafe for everyone involved (including the camerapeople, producers and other backstage workers). Take the L, Vince, and run best-ofs for Stone Cold and the Rock and whoever else until we can start gathering small crowds in Full Sail Arena or the PC again.

As for the wrestlers themselves: Unionize already, for fuck’s sake.

Oh Yes, It’s Ladies Night, Oh What A Night

I don’t know if it’s because male talent are refusing to work in this climate, or if travel bans prevented international Superstars from making flights, or if just more female talent live closer to the Performance Center, but Raw was jam-packed with women last night, from in-ring promos by Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair, to Zelina Vega becoming the most effective heel manager this side of Bobby Heenan, to three Money In The Bank qualifying matches. Let’s take a look at those, shall we?

By far, the Best of the three qualifiers is Asuka vs. Ruby Riott. The trash talk was flying between these two competitors early, which made it easier to tune out the commentary from 70-year-old heart attack survivor Jerry Lawler, the dictionary definition of “inessential worker.” (More on that later.) I enjoyed the submission-hold tradeoff at the end of the match, and while I never doubted Asuka would lose, it was nice to see Ruby get elevated to her level.

Somewhere in the middle was Kairi Sane vs. Nia Jax. Again, the conclusion was foregone, but I’ll be damned if I Worst a segment that involves Kairi Sane channeling the spirit of Phantasio and incorporating the art of mime, as well as Nia Jax gaining a new, pun-based finishing move. (Her Samoan drop was called the A-Nia-Later, get it?) Plus, this gives Asuka a good reason to go after Nia in the Money In The Bank Ladder match, clearing a path for the obvious pick to win it…

…Sarah Logan! Seriously, how terrible was this Shayna Baszler vs. Sarah Logan match? What are they trying to do here? Shayna (who apparently is on Raw full-time now, based on her chyron) isn’t Brock Lesnar. If you wanted her to be the dominant face of Raw’s women’s division, why not just have her nuke Becky at WrestleMania? Why have her lose like a chump in eight minutes, only to (presumably) punk out the the best of Raw and Smackdown women’s divisions at Money In The Bank to get the briefcase? You’re making me hate Shayna Baszler, and not in the cool-heel way — it’s more of in the “I wonder what else is on right now” way.

Supplementary (and Accidental) Best: There was truly nothing more hilarious then Ring Announcer Greg announcing the wrong person as the winner of the match. The YouTube video above mutes his announcement, but we all know what we heard, Greg. #justiceforsarahlogan

As for the promos from Charlotte and Becky, I preferred the latter to the former (seriously, why is Charlotte cutting this promo on Raw and not on NXT?), though neither of them were essential enough to be delivered from anywhere outside of each woman’s home. Seriously, y’all. Stop making talent travel just to talk into a camera. They can do that in their living room. WWE literally made Rey Mysterio fly from San Diego to Orlando for a 75-second backstage promo. Stop doing this.

Best: Los Ingobernables De Orlando

Not only did Raw’s A and B stories dovetail together nicely this episode (a rare occurrence, to be sure), it also provided new WWE Champion Drew McIntyre with his (presumptive) Money In The Bank opponent in Seth Rollins and elevated a new main-event stable for McIntyre to be at war with in the Zelina Vega-led Los Ingobernables De Orlando, featuring Andrade, Angel Garza and extreme-sports Ken doll Austin Theory. It’s like an episode of Seinfeld in here! What’s the deal with the soul of beef, anyway?

Vega deserves a raise for how good she is putting over Andrade, Garza and Theory — in this online exclusive, she even references her real-life marriage with Aleister Black to justify how Theory will beat him next week in a MITB qualifier match. World-building, Maggle! I love it!

While I absolutely did not love having Andrade lose in a champion vs. champion match against Drew McIntyre in the main event (like, why not just have it get thrown out due to interference?), nor did I love the terrible dialogue given to Andrade (“No more señor nice guy,” seriously?), I do love how the match was built up throughout the night, with call-backs to Drew and Andrade’s championship feud in NXT, referencing Drew’s real-life injury and how it landed him on the shelf. WWE seems to be putting a lot into building up McIntyre as the new face of Raw, so hopefully the live audience will get behind him once he’s in front of one again. (If he keeps laying in those chops as thick as he was last night, it’s hard to imagine they won’t.)

As for Saint Seth, I am all about him leaning big-time into the “He is risen” schtick. Anything to keep Christians home watching TV and angrily writing letters instead of congreating in churches spreading COVID-19 is A-OK with me.

Also On This Episode

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

FeltLuke

Lawler making comments about what makes a good marriage with no sense of irony is peak Lawler.

The Real Birdman

Kairi doesn’t use a bank for her money anyway

AddMayne

Endy_Mion

Jerry was off calling Ruby ‘The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” but her asking for the “Real Asuka” definitely makes Ruby “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest”

Mr. Bliss

Lawler’s jokes are in the age group most likely to die from Covid-19.

Clay Quartermain

I feel an opportunity to have every onscreen talent wearing a face mask made from XFL jerseys was missed here.

Baron Von Raschke

Tom: Ricochet talked about how he and Cedric have always wanted to form a tag team but the opportunity wasn’t there until Vince had ran their once-promising singles career into the ground and left them with no real options going forward and I can’t believe I’m saying this on the air I hope I don’t get fired and oh my god I fee so free it’s a joke that we are even doing this show, we should be doing BEST OF WWE shows with stuff that made you fall in love with wrestling in the first place…

Byron: Shut UP, PHILLIPS!

troi

Byron avoiding looking at Zelina’s butt like a man that knows she is married to a Dutch kickboxer

notJames

Austin Theory is Lance Storm without a personality.

King Of Smark Style

Is this live? Because if it was taped, they forgot to edit out this Nia Jax match.

And that was… a version of Raw, I guess! Sure, it was heavy on the mid-card and women’s divisions, and yeah, it lacked many big names from Raw’s side of the WrestleMania card like Brock Lesnar, AJ Styles, Edge, Randy Orton, Kevin Owens and the Big Show, but at least we got Jerry Lawler back, while putting countless WWE employees (and independent contractors) and their families at risk in the middle of a global pandemic. We’re putting smiles on people’s faces over here!

Thanks for reading this far, and hopefully we’ll have Brandon re-connected to the Matrix in time for next week, when we’re getting Rey Mysterio vs. Murphy, Apollo Crews vs. MVP and Aleister Black vs. Austin Theory in Money In The Bank qualifying matches. I can’t wait to find out who Greg Hamilton accidentally declares as the victor!

A new report by Jonathan Givony of ESPN indicates that the highly-anticipated return of the Chinese Basketball Association will once again get pushed back. The league has not played games since January as part of China’s efforts to rein in the spread of the novel coronavirus, and basketball leagues worldwide have looked to the CBA as something of a test balloon for how and when it will be safe to re-launch a league on hiatus.

Its first attempt at getting back on the floor was supposed to occur on April 15, but that had to be pushed back to May 11 for a handful of reasons. Now, Givony brings word that a May 11 return won’t happen, either, and the CBA isn’t expected to be able to take the floor until potentially sometime in July. This comes after a call league officials reportedly held on Monday evening concluded with another suspension.

Via ESPN:

Further complicating matters is the entry ban that was implemented by the Chinese Foreign Ministry in late March on all non-citizens, including residents and foreigners with previously issued visas. Several players were unable to enter China, leaving many CBA rosters without one or both of the allotted import players.

No final decision on the CBA’s season can be made without government clearance, which won’t happen until mid-May at the earliest, sources told ESPN. The possibility of canceling the remainder of the season is still in play.

A handful of Americans — like Ty Lawson, Jeremy Lin, and Lance Stephenson — all play in the CBA. Givony mentioned that both the NBA and EuroLeague are “closely” monitoring the CBA for how its relaunch will go, although there is no word on whether or not those leagues’ returns will be held off until they get the opportunity to analyze any sort of restart in China.

For many musicians, the time spent in quarantine is an opportunity to create new music. Take Charli XCX for example: The pop singer is recording an entire album from home with the help of fans. But other musicians, like Angel Olsen, are similarly trying out new tunes. Angel Olsen recently hosted the livestream concert Angel Olsen: Still At Home to benefit her touring crew and MusiCares’ COVID-19 Relief Fund. During the livestream, Olsen debuted two brand new songs.

The singer performed a full 18-song set live from her living room. With only a guitar, a piano, and her resounding vocals, Olsen pulled from her wide catalog for an array of hauntingly beautiful tunes. Along with playing her hits like “All Mirrors,” the singer performed a cover of Roxy Music’s “More Than This” and one of Bruce Springsteen’s classics. But fans who purchased admission to the livestream were in for an exclusive treat: Olsen debuted two new untitled ballads during the performance.

One of the new tracks was accompanied by warm piano chords. “You can take everything / I’m not looking back,” Olsen crooned. For her second new song, the singer opted for an acoustic guitar. “I don’t have an ending yet,” she said as she abruptly finished the preview.

Watch Angel Olsen perform two new songs as well as a rendition of her All Mirrors title track above.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

In a surprising move, Quibi is already accelerating its plans to make the streaming app available on TVs less than a week after launch. As one might suspect, the current health crisis isn’t exactly conducive to the brand’s “on the go” watching. Although, CEO Mega Whitman does her best to counter that line of thinking in a new interview with CNBC. “It turns out people have in-between moments at home,” Whitman said. “We don’t actually think it hurt us.”

Nevertheless, Quibi is making moves to get its bite-size content in front of as many as viewers as possible even if that includes pulling back on its initial pitch of being a mobile-only platform, which was apparently the plan all along:

With so many potential customers for Quibi working from home as stay-at-home orders sweep the U.S., Whitman said the company is accelerating its plans to enable the app to cast to TVs. While the feature wasn’t planned to be part of the launch, Whitman said it was always in the cards for later on.

Of course, the major question is if a TV-cast feature will entice new users to plunk down on yet another streaming service, specifically one that’s built around short bursts of content to view in line at the DMV or waiting for your coffee at Starbucks. Quibi could also be looking at a scenario where it launches its TV feature just as social-distancing measures are being lifted.

Despite some doubts around whether or not it was even a real thing, Quibi officially launched last week with a 90-day trial of its streaming service for mobile users. In that first week alone, the app was downloaded 1.7 million times and 80% of viewers were reportedly watching full episodes without tuning out, according to Whitman. Of course, the whole point of Quibi is that episodes are 5-10 minutes long, so that metric is relative, but it does show that the curious content app is finding an audience.

(Via CNBC)

Playboi Carti was recently arrested on drug charges in his native Atlanta after being pulled over by deputies over expired tags on his car. Now, those deputies are accusing the rapper of using some pretty vulgar language during his arrest, according to TMZ. According to a police report, Carti was fed up before he was even placed under arrest, telling the officer who pulled him over he “had a hot wife” and telling him he’d “f*ck” his daughter.

Carti was also reported as saying he didn’t care about the expensive sports car and that he’d just buy a new one anyway. Allegedly, he told the officers to take him jail, because he “didn’t even care anymore.” A press release shared by Sheriff Victor Hill of the Clayton County Sheriff’s Department advised that the rapper’s car contained 12 bags of weed, the drugs codeine, oxycodone, and xanax, and three guns. Carti was booked on charges of failing to display an updated license plate decal, improperly passing an emergency vehicle, and possession of marijuana before being released on bond.

The Die Lit rapper likely had plenty of reason to feel grumpy — after all, we’ve all got the quarantine blues — but also apparently has at least one thing to look forward to. During a recent livestream, Drake previewed a track that will apparently feature Carti, which will likely give the younger rapper the lift he needs to take his upcoming album, Whole Lotta Red, to mainstream levels of success.

Check out the original TMZ story here.

All these goodies are under $20.

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“I want these pictures and this story to be more than just statistics — I’d like people to really see what it looks like.”

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“Wtf should I wear to the living room today.”

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After previously announcing that it would suspend Kyle Larson indefinitely without pay, Chip Ganassi Racing has opted to “end its relationship” with Larson altogether. Larson had come under serious fire in recent days following his actions during an iRacing event on Sunday afternoon — while testing the audio on his stream, Larson used a racist slur. The video of the incident is accessible here, but of course, viewer discretion is advised.

The fallout was swift, as multiple sponsors — such as Credit One Bank and McDonald’s — dropped the former Nationwide and Sprint Cup Series Rookie of the Year. NASCAR, citing its commitment to “diversity and inclusion,” suspended Larson indefinitely, as did his team, which called his actions “offensive and indefensible.”

Now, Chip Ganassi Racing has taken things a step further, releasing a statement on Tuesday morning that announced it is severing ties with the 27-year-old California native.

“After much consideration, Chip Ganassi Racing has determined that it will end its relationship with driver Kyle Larson,” Ganassi said in a statement. “As we said before, the comments that Kyle made were both offensive and unacceptable especially given the values of our organization. As we continued to evaluate the situation with all the relevant parties, it became obvious that this was the only appropriate course of action to take.”

Larson had been a member of the team since 2013. NASCAR, on its official website, indicated that for Larson to potentially get reinstated, he would need to go through sensitivity training. In addition to losing his team on Tuesday, Chevrolet announced that it was also terminating its partnership with Larson.