Those graduating high school and college this year had their plans thrown off course when the pandemic led to schools and universities closing their campuses and moving online. But many celebrities and musicians joined to offer graduates a unique graduation ceremony with touching speeches from The Obamas as well as Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Lizzo, and more. Selena Gomez offered her own commencement speech specifically for graduates of immigrant families.

In her heartfelt speech, Gomez reminded graduates of their importance and congratulated them on their achievements:

“Congratulations to all of the immigrads. I know that this is a virtual ceremony, but it is very real. And it’s very real to all of the families, and all of you, and your communities. I want you guys to know that you matter. And that your experiences are a huge part of the American story.

When my family came here from Mexico, they set into motion my American story, as well as theirs. I’m a proud third-generation American-Mexican, and my family’s journey and their sacrifices helped me get to where I am today. Mine is not a unique story. Each and every one of you have a similar tale of becoming an American. So, regardless of where your family is from, regardless of your immigration status, you have taken action to earn an education, to make your families proud, and to open up your worlds.”

Along with being a musician and actor, Gomez has oftentimes used her public platform to promote the rights of immigrants. Last year, Gomez produced the Netflix docuseries Living Undocumented which offers an inside look into the experiences of immigrants in America.

Watch Gomez’s full commencement speech above.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Billie Eilish’s debut record When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? launched the young singer into stardom. The album’s hit single “Bad Guy” infamously knocked Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” out of its lengthy reign at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 charts. The album itself also reached No. 1 only two weeks after its release. Ever since, the record has continued to dominate the charts. But this week marks the first time Eilish’s album has ever fallen below the Top 20 on the Billboard 200 charts.

Eilish’s music career kicked into first gear after the singer released her debut record. Eilish had already cultivated a buzz surrounding her music, but songs like “Bad Guy” and “Bury A Friend” earned the singer constant airplay. Following its debut in March of 2019, Eilish’s record remained in the Top 20 for an astounding 59 weeks.

While the record has officially fallen below the Top 20, the album awarded Eilish with a number of accolades. Eilish went on to sweep all four major categories at this year’s Grammys, making her the youngest musician to ever achieve the feat. Four of the record’s singles became certified Platinum in the US, including “Bad Guy,” “Bury a Friend,” “Wish You Were Gay,” and “All the Good Girls Go to Hell.”

Eilish’s record debuted over a year ago and the singer has already set her sights on the future. Eilish has detailed her time spend in quarantine, saying that she’s working on new music and has even finished a few songs. But Eilish is also reveling in her success and enjoying her feat of creating one of the most commercially successful albums of 2019 by taking a much-needed break while at home in isolation.

Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: The Steiner Brothers have almost arrived, Crush gave a clown a “stiff warning” about making Marty Jannetty flinch with empty water buckets, and Bobby Heenan says dicks out for NARCISSUS.

If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page.

If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below. As a reminder, why can’t keep writing about stuff if you don’t click on it. We’re trying to run a wrestling jokes business over here!

Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for January 9, 1993.

Jobbers Of The Week

Getting sacrificed to the debuting Steiner Brothers this week are the Mullet Club of Butch Banks and Rock Werner. Here’s an alternate view of Rock’s massive horse hair ponytail to confirm his club membership.

On a fun note, Banks would eventually become the still hilariously named Hardcore Craig, an early-to-mid-2000s IWA Mid-South competitor dubbed the “Prince Of The Death Matches” by Ian Rotten. Not to be confused with the “Prince Of The Regular Matches,” who is either Prince Iaukea or Velveteen Dream depending on the era. I’m going to assume Craig’s love of dying during wrestling matches was developed during this encounter with the 1993 Steiner Brothers. You can read more about him on the wonderfully up-to-date HardcoreCraig.com. As for Rock, he continued wrestling until he was put out of business by the AOL/Time-Werner merger. Or, possibly, this clothesline:

Letting the Steiner Brothers wrestle WWF jobbers is like loosing two starving pitbulls on a free-range chicken farm.

Also returning this week is Red Tyler, fresh from sunbathing while wearing a ski mask. Brother looks like an inverted Donald Trump, with the stark white face and orange body. He loses the episode’s “main event” to Bam Bam Bigelow, and I’m sure there’s a joke in here somewhere about a man whose body and scalp are covered in fire destroying a guy who looks like he covered his face in a blanket to avoid a flash fire.

Top jobber honors this week go to George Petrovsky, seen here looking like he mistook his wife’s blouse for a cool leather jacket. I posted this picture on Twitter and asked people what they thought his gimmick was, and notable responses included, “Drew Magary,” “grilled cheese insult comic,” “if Kirby ate Alex Wright,” and “someone thinking about how good s’mores are after having one bite of a s’more.” My favorites were probably, “Pizza Hut reading program ambassador,” or the epic, “guy who intimidates ghosts so they stop haunting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

As it turns out, the gimmick we were looking for was, “Russian brute.” Here’s a clip of him in the AWA a few years earlier, taking on (of all people) a young, orange-faced Red Tyler. Did Red get tired of the sun making him look like he stuck his face in somebody’s exhaust pipe?

Regardless, it’s fun to think about how back in the day there were entire wrestling promotions made up of the guys doing enhancement duties on Superstars. Give me a version of WWE 2K where I can sim a year of Barry Horowitz as the LeBron James of a company featuring Duane Gill, Barry Hardy, Dark Destiny, and The Executioners. Playing as Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock for 20 years has run its course.

Scotty Zappa is back this week as Scott Zappa, completing his “Danny from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tell his dad he wants to be called Dan now” story arc. His gimmick is either that he’s a cop undercover at a 1980s high school, or the guy who didn’t make the cut to be one of the Bill Swerski Super Fans. He steps into the ring against The Undertaker, and is so beloved by the crowd that the children convince their parents to buy them $20 foam urns to hold up and happily celebrate Scott’s impending death and cremation.

Quick aside, I think WWF’s merch team had a running bet in the early ’90s to see who could make the most inappropriate foam item and sell it to children. So far we’ve seen a foam nightstick so children can pretend to violently abuse prisoners and foam piece of lumber that says “ho” across the front, and now we’ve got foam funerary jars. What’s next, the Nasty Boys selling foam Brian Knobbs armpits?

Child Realizing The Crushing Weight Of Their Own Mortality Of The Week

Jobbers Of The Week (Cont’d)

Finally here’s Todd Becker, who has upgraded his look from “latest graduate from the Kenny Powers Wrestling Academy” to “Charles Boyle if he was a vampire.”

Freed Savage Of The Week

Not to be confused with Kevin Arnold, who was the Fred Savage Of The Week.

Becker, seen here on the ground wearing capri pants that make him look like the carpet at a skating rink, loses to Kamala The Ugandan Giant. He doesn’t lose badly enough, apparently, so Kamala’s handlers get in the ring and start pushing Kamala around. Nothing motivates a face turn like, “the masked safari guy who stole you away from your jungle home isn’t happy about how little you understand about wrestling etiquette.” When the abuse becomes too much, Kamala’s bailed out by the Reverend Slick, who takes a punch to the face for him.

This turns out to be the most effective missionary work in WWF history, as Kamala realizes religion is the only thing that will bring him up from indentured servitude and attacks his oppressors. Seize the means of production, Kamala!

Brother’s Keeper Of The Week

Owen Hart gets one of those suspicious mid-carder sit-down interviews you just KNOW is going to end badly for him, where the only thing they can think to ask him is, “lately you’ve been a wrestler, how’s wrestling going for you?” They ask him about his brother Bret’s WWF Championship match against Razor Ramon at Royal Rumble, and somehow neither Owen nor senior fabulousness correspondent Raymond Rougeau can see 6-foot-7 man in a bright yellow vest standing just off-screen, waiting to attack.

Owen suffers the indignity of being both dressed like Grimace went to the gym and being fridged by his more important brother’s upcoming pay-per-view opponent to create drama. I’m sure no matter how many times shit like this happens, Owen will remain positive and dedicated to Bret and his family’s good name. And everyone’s leg will stay in their … leg.

Clown Nomenclature Of The Week

The mysterious clown who’s been causing UNBRIDLED CLOWNFOOLERY over the past several weeks (including tripping the Big Boss Man, getting Marty Jannetty wet, and blinding Tatanka with an errant mop) doesn’t do much this week besides spray Ray Rougeau in the eyes with a prank lapel flower — an easy prank to fall for in 1993, when everyone was still wearing oversized flowers on their lapel, especially while dressed like a goddamn circus clown — but we find out two important facts about him:

• he’s named Doink, after the noise a Tonberry makes when it finally gets close enough to stab you with a knife, and
• his greatest joy in life is putting smiles on people’s faces, WWE style, and then taking those smiles away. Also WWE style.

He will continue to pull these ghoulish, basic-ass pranks on peers and children despite last week’s STIFF WARNING from Crush, because (1) he’s literally a clown, and (2) what’s Crush gonna do about it, palm his head for a few seconds and tell him to stay in school? Come on.

Next Week Of The Week

Wait, wrong episode.

Also,

Bob Backlund? Max Moon? HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS, I’M NOT IN CHARGE.

Rap and rappers are often criticized for the (erroneous) perception that they glorify drug use — at least in comparison to other genres — but usually, the references are confined to alcoholic beverages and copious amounts of weed. On the harder end of the spectrum, there are narcotic cough syrups and opiates like percocet, xanax, and other anti-anxiety medications or painkillers, but with even arguably the biggest proponents of drug use in hip-hop slowing their use, it looks like there are fewer examples to support the rap drug use argument than ever.

However, that hasn’t stopped one rappers from trying to find new ways to get high. YSL Records rapper Gunna, whose mentor Young Thug once found the most original way to imbibe lean, worried fans when apparently did a whippit — a nitrous oxide charger — during an Instagram Live session. Folks have inhaled nitrous oxide for recreational use for a long time, but in general, the visibility of the drug isn’t that high. While nitrous isn’t inherently toxic, long-term use can have serious side-effects and the drug can be habit-forming. In addition, the canisters used for food applications like whipped cream (like the one being used by Gunna) can have industrial byproducts in them, increasing the danger.

Fans who witnessed the video had varied reactions, from observing the potentially hazardous side effects of prolonged use to cracking jokes about the creative direction on his new album, Wunna.

While using nitrous oxide to get high isn’t super fatal — only a handful of deaths occur each year — the recent overdoses of rappers like Juice WRLD, Mac Miller, Lil Peep, and others have highlighted the dangers of drug use for hip-hop fans. Maybe Gunna and those around him can learn from those examples and find more constructive ways to enjoy their free time. At least, they could keep off social media and out of the view of impressionable young fans.

Watch Gunna’s concerning video and see fans’ worried responses above.

Just trying to make Marie Kondo proud.

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“Caught my daughter packing turds into cardboard toilet paper tubes and hiding them under the sink. She called them ‘poop bombs.'”

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I volunteer as tribute…to eat some broccoli cheddar soup.

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Barcelona’s premier music festival Primavera Sound was slated to celebrate its 20th year as a festival in a big way. The organizers had planned on bringing Primavera Sound to LA this year in order to offer “the Primavera Sound spirit and vibe to cities with a similar feel: creative, colorful and welcoming.” However, following the trend of nearly every other major festival, Primavera Sound has announced they are canceling their LA debut and opting to reschedule the festival next year.

Primavera Sound was booked for the weekend of September 19 this year in LA’s State Historic Park. The organizers had wanted to celebrate two decades as a festival by expanding their event to other cities. But after postponing their Barcelona iteration, which was going to take place in June, Primavera Sound has also decided to cancel their LA event. Instead, Primavera Sound will wait until 2021 to come to LA.

In a statement posted to social media, Primavera Sound announced the festival cancelation. The LA lineup had not yet been unveiled, but the festival said those who purchased Early Bird tickets are able to transfer their passes to next year’s event. “Until then, please stay safe and take care of each other,” organizers wrote. “The festival team continues to work intensively so that, in 2021, we can celebrate something more than just the Feist edition fo Primavera Sound Los Angeles: meeting beach other and dancing together for the first time.”

Read the festival’s full statement above and find more information on ticket refunds here.

When the calendar flips to June, the NBA is expected to put a more firm plan in place for a return to basketball, with teams being able to officially recall players and begin preparations for the bubble league at Disney World in Orlando.

There have been a number of options floated by league insiders as to what that will look like, from a truncated regular season for all 30 teams to get everyone to the magic 70-game number that gets the majority of local TV revenue into their pockets to simply bringing in the 16 playoff teams to limit the amount of people brought to the bubble.

The latter concept seems to be gaining steam, as ESPN’s Brian Windhorst explained on Get Up! on Monday morning, noting that not only could they go straight into the playoffs, but they also might finally use this as a testing platform for seeding the postseason without conference designation since there’s no issue of travel with everyone at one location.

“I really think there’s a good chance this is only going to be a 16-team playoff,” Windhorst said. “If that is the case, it opens up the possibility for something that Adam Silver has long wanted, which is to seed 1 through 16 in the postseason and go that route. There’s no excuse with travel or anything like that. It would have to pass an owner vote, and that means a bunch of Eastern Conference owners would have to agree to it. But if there’s a way to make this interesting and spice this up and potentially test out this theory, you’re never going to get a better opportunity if that’s the direction they go.”

It would be interesting if they went this route, and this year might be the easiest year to get everyone on board with this idea because the 16 teams would be evenly split between East and West, as Orlando edges out Portland by 1.5 games currently for that 16th seed. If they were to debut that format, you would end up with four cross conference matchups if they seed based on current standings and the bracket would look like this.

1. Milwaukee Bucks vs. 16. Orlando Magic
8. Miami Heat vs. 9. Oklahoma City Thunder
4. Los Angeles Clippers vs. 13. Dallas Mavericks
5. Boston Celtics vs. 12. Philadelphia 76ers

2. Los Angeles Lakers vs. 15. Brooklyn Nets
7. Utah Jazz vs. 10. Houston Rockets
3. Toronto Raptors vs. 14. Memphis Grizzlies
6. Denver Nuggets vs. 11. Indiana Pacers

There are certainly some intriguing matchups, particularly Heat-Thunder, and you also get some big-time in-conference battles like Utah-Houston (where Houston would likely be heavily favored with the Jazz down Bogdanovic and potentially Ingles) and Celtics-Sixers. The biggest point of issue, from an entertainment standpoint, is the Clippers and Lakers being on opposite brackets and, as such, potentially missing out on the showdown everyone was hoping to see in the Western Conference playoffs.

The league could test the new format and gauge the interest of fans and whether the teams in the league liked the shake up to determine if it’s something worth pursuing going forward, even when accounting for travel challenges.