Category: Worldwide

Sports across the globe have been impacted due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Whether it’s been major leagues being on an indefinite hiatus or big events getting moved or canceled altogether, leagues and sporting organizations have opted to be pragmatic in the face of the pandemic that has caused tens of thousands of deaths worldwide.

The latest annual event to get outright canceled is Wimbledon. In a statement released by the All England Lawn Tennis Club on Wednesday morning, the 134th Championships will not occur from June 29 until July 12 of 2020. Instead, the latest version of the event will occur in 2021.

“This is a decision that we have not taken lightly, and we have done so with the highest regard for public health and the wellbeing of all those who come together to make Wimbledon happen,” ALETC chairman Ian Hewitt said. “It has weighed heavily on our minds that the staging of The Championships has only been interrupted previously by World Wars but, following thorough and extensive consideration of all scenarios, we believe that it is a measure of this global crisis that it is ultimately the right decision to cancel this year’s Championships, and instead concentrate on how we can use the breadth of Wimbledon’s resources to help those in our local communities and beyond. Our thoughts are with all those who have been and continue to be affected by these unprecedented times.”

Wimbledon will begin on June 28 next year and will conclude on July 11. Like the Summer Olympics, this marks the first time that the event has not gone on as scheduled since World War II, which prevented Wimbledon from occurring from 1940 through 1945. With this being the case, the AELTC and its charity, the Wimbledon Foundation, will now assist with support efforts throughout the United Kingdom to fight the spread of COVID-19.

For much of the new year, DaBaby has teased new music during the second leg of the tour for his 2019 album, Kirk. So far after three months, DaBaby has kept that promise. In addition to sharing his “Shut Up” record a little over a month into the year, DaBaby has also been consistent in the feature department, working with A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie, Future, Blueface, Stunna 4 Vegas, and Lil Yachty so far. Returning to the solo route, DaBaby returns with a new song and video that may kick off the campaign to his next album.

Playing an armed robbery suspect on the run, DaBaby shares a new song and video for “Find My Way.” The Charlotte rapper has teased the song on Instagram a couple of times in the past week, first by showing its unorthodox flow — at least in his book — during a studio session and secondly in another post with producer Einer Bankz. With actress B. Simone playing his ride or die love interest, the two go on the run to freedom while continuing their criminal ways.

DaBaby and B. Simone caused a stir on social media after Simone posted a rather romantic picture of the two, leading fans to believe that they were entertainment’s latest celebrity couple. DaBaby quickly refuted the idea saying it was all in good marketing.

The video also arrives just a few days after DaBaby revealed that his first two albums, Baby On Baby and Kirk have both obtained platinum certifications.

Watch the video for “Find My Way” above.

Samuel L. Jackson is always willing to lend his artfully profane take on subjects for a good cause. Right now, that cause happens to be the continued push for social distancing amid the coronavirus pandemic. Jackson appeared on Tuesday night’s edition of Jimmy Kimmel Live!, and naturally, the Tarantino fixture did so from the comfort from home, where he’d like everyone to stay put. Not at his home, but at your own. I’m just making that clear, yet Jackson’s message stays the same.

While discussing the possibility of sequel-ing his infamous Go The F*** To Sleep children’s book reading (of the book by Adam Mansbach and Ricardo Cortés), Jackson seized the opportunity before him. That’s how this happened:

“Stay the f*** at home, The Rona is spreading, this sh*t is no joke. It’s no time to work or roam. The way you can fight it is simple my friends. Just stay the f*** at home. Now, technically I’m not a doctor, but motherfu*kers listen when I read a poem. So here I am, Sam f***ing Jackson imploring you to keep ya ass at home. If you want things to get back to normal, don’t panic, just use your dome. Wash your hands, stop touching your face, and stay the f*** at home.”

Also worth noting: Kimmel’s wonderful introduction of Jackson mentioned how we previously only needed to fear snakes on planes. Oh, and how does everyone feel about the posters behind Sam’s couch? He’s chosen to wall-namecheck Die Hard With A Vengeance, Resurrecting The Champ, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and Jungle Fever, all interesting and unexpected choices when one considers his whole body of work. No 1408, though? Come on, Sam. If you’re gonna go with the unexpected, that one’s gotta be on the table.

Dua Lipa attended this year’s Grammys ceremony after winning Best New Artist in 2019. The singer celebrated the success of her friends Lil Nas X, Lizzo, and Rosalía by attending an after-party at a strip club. The four artists were recorded having a good time and tipping the sex workers. But, the next day, Lipa woke up to the hashtag #DuaLipaIsOverParty trending on Twitter. Fans were trying to “cancel” her for attending the establishment altogether. Lipa has finally spoken out about the incident, citing sexism in the music industry.

In a recent interview with The Times, Lipa addressed her new record Future Nostalgia and the situation following the Grammys: “You know, artists are people, and we learn from mistakes and apologize when it’s due. But, also, if I stand by my actions, I just won’t comment,” Lipa said. “I never do anything to be mean or degrading. Everything has a good intention, and if things get taken a wrong way, I’ll apologize. But I can’t live my life being scared in case someone tries to cancel me for something silly.”

Lipa continued that she often feels like an “object” in the eyes of the paparazzi: “There is a lot less scrutiny of male pop stars. Maybe we’re more fun to write about?” Lipa said. “I don’t know, but the way women are described compared to men, it’s, like, she is wearing shorts? ‘She puts on a leggy display!’ I just feel I’m here because I do music, but when people write articles like that about me, it takes it away from my talent and makes me a thing. An object. People like to just objectify women.”

The singer also addressed her Future Nostalgia track “Boys Will Be Boys” where she croons the lyrics “It’s second nature to walk home before the sun goes down / And put your keys between your knuckles when there’s boys around.” Lipa said she hopes the track will start “a conversation.” “Because these are real things I have gone through,” Lipa said. “Getting home from school, scared of boys, I put keys between my knuckles. We constantly change the way we are so we don’t get harassed. Cover our bodies so boys don’t say things. From when we are kids we are told the way boys act towards us is completely normal.”

Revisit Uproxx’s review of Future Nostalgia here.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music Artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Stephen Colbert sometimes sings with his musical guests on The Late Show, and he did so back in 2016 with John Prine. The two joined forces for an unaired performance of “That’s The Way The World Goes Round,” and the video was previously uploaded online as a web-exclusive clip. However, Colbert decided to share the clip again during yesterday’s Late Show broadcast, in light of Prine’s coronavirus diagnosis.

Before airing the performance, Colbert offered a newly recorded message, in which he says:

“I’d like to take a moment right now to send out a personal message to a friend. Last week, our friend and yours, the musical great John Prine, was placed on a ventilator with coronavirus symptoms. My thoughts are with John and his wife Fiona and his family and everybody out there touched by this virus. I’d like to share with you right now one of the happiest moments I’ve had on my show or any show, and that’s when John and I sang a duet back in 2016 that we never broadcast, but we’d like to now. Happy enchilada, John.”

Eerily, Colbert said in the original performance clip, “We’ll probably do this for the internet, unless something terrible happens and we have to cheer up the world on the TV show.” As the two shared the stage, it was clear on Colbert’s face that he was thrilled just to be in the same room with the legend.

Watch Prine and Colbert perform “That’s The Way The World Goes Round” above.

J.J. Redick has been around plenty of great basketball players in his career. From Duke to the NBA, he’s had the opportunity to play with and against some current and future Hall of Fame players. When you’ve been around that much talent, it becomes a lot easier to notice when someone is different.

Redick recently went on ESPN’s Get Up to discuss life without basketball, if he thinks the season will be able to restart, and of course, Pelicans teammate Zion Williamson. Considering Redick’s background, it’s worth listening to him when he says that Williamson isn’t just the average rookie. Instead, he thinks Williamson has Hall of Fame potential.

“An NBA MVP, first-team All-NBA, a Hall of Famer and a guy who leads teams to championships,” Redick said. “I think that’s his ceiling. He hasn’t even come close, really, to scratching the surface, and as his skill level develops, as the game slows down a little bit for him, he’s going to be even better, which is scary, for sure.”

What’s wild about this quote is that Williamson has barely played. He has 19 NBA games under his belt, and while he’s been spectacular, it sounds absolutely ludicrous to put him at a Hall of Fame level this early in his career. Then you watch him and look at the highlights and you can see that he’s capable of doing some really special stuff at such a young age.

Williamson has the kind of skillset that, as long as he avoids injury, is going to lead to an incredible career. His size and skill are really special, and once he puts it all together and really understands how to best utilize his gifts in the NBA, he has the potential to do things we’ve never seen before. His teammates like Redick can already see that, and soon, everyone else will, too.

Though we talk often about bourbon in these parts, scotch whisky deserves a lot of love too. The beloved juice from Scotland is more attainable than ever (as long as you get it delivered by Drizly or a local restaurant-turned-bottleshop). While its history and mystique remain, gone are the days when only your well-traveled, pipe-smoking grandfather enjoyed it. Whisky (especially Scotch whisky) is actually surging in the early months of 2020.

Don’t worry if you’re a whisky novice. There are no judgments here. Do you like your whisky with a little smokiness? Go for an Islay expression from Ardbeg, Bruichladdich, Bowmore, or Lagavulin. Looking for something a little smoother to ease your way in? How about a bottle from The Macallan, Glenmorangie, or Glenlivet? Fans of bourbon can even get started by enjoying one of the many offerings aged in ex-bourbon barrels. Add some water, ice, or even mix it into a cocktail like the iconic penicillin.

Like us, bartenders need a nice dram of Scotch every now and again, especially during the quarantine. That’s why we decided to pose a simple question: If you could only bring one bottle into your home before going into isolation, what would it be?

Caol Ila 12

Darron Foy, head bartender at The Flatiron Room in New York City

Caol Ila 12-Year-Old. This dram has so many memories linked to it. It’s a firm favorite of my wife and me. This was the whisky that made me go to Islay. A beautiful level entry to Islay peat, smoke, and tar. I always get white pepper mixed with coconut, lightly smoked with more of an oily tar and salt feel to its Island counterparts. This would remind me of the good times and the many fond memories of Islay.

Lagavulin 8

Juyoung Kang, lead bartender at The Dorsey in Las Vegas

There are so many!! I’ll go with Auchentoshen 12 Year, Macallan 12 Year Double Cask, Lagavulin 8 Year. Why? Because they’re solid, well thought out, and just a little different than the normality of their own brand line. But, if I had to pick one, it would be Lagavulin 8 Year. Smoky, rich, and perfect.

The Macallan Rare Cask

Hector Ortiz, beverage manager at Hyatt Regency Grand Reserve in Puerto Rico

The McCallan Rare Cask. Why? From my point of view, it is a very, very good product, and I also love the aroma of ripe fruits, honey, berries, and creamy vanilla and palate that it has.

Glenmorangie Nectar d’Or

Myles Harrison, director of wine at St. Regis in Toronto

Glenmorangie Nectar d’Or. Aged in old bourbon barrels and then finished in Sauternes Casks. This is elegant sipping whisky.

Balvenie 12 Year Double Wood

Nikki McCutcheon, beverage director at Magic Hour Rooftop Bar & Lounge in New York City

Balvenie 12 Year Double Wood is one of the easiest drinking and smooth scotches. It is aged in Sherry and Whisky barrels that helps mellow out the smokiness that is sometimes overwhelming in a scotch.

Compass Box Hedonism

Drew Hairston, beverage director at Dirty Habit in Washington, DC

Compass Box Hedonism is a smooth baking-spice-driven, blended grain whiskey. Compass Box represents a facet of whisky-making that is generally overlooked: transparency. They advocate for all whiskey makers to inform consumers on exactly what they are drinking and how it was blended. This is something lost on many distillers.

Ardbeg Uigeadail

Rus Yessenov, director of mixology at Fairmont Royal Oak in Toronto

I’d have to bring Ardbeg Uigeadail. It’s ultra-complex and peaty with 54.2% ABV, this spirit is the real deal, feeding Ardbeg’s cult-like popularity.

Balvenie Caribbean Cask 14

Sam Gay, bartender at Ojai Valley Inn in Ojai, California

Scotch…I’d probably go with Balvenie Caribbean Cask. I can’t do the super peaty Islay scotches, personally. Plus, it’s my wife’s favorite, and ideally, she would be in quarantine too.

Tomatin 18

Osvaldo Vasquez, mixologist at Chileno Bay Resort, Auberge Resorts Collection in Los Cabos, Mexico

If I had to pick just one, I’d go with Tomatin 18. It’s rested in sherry casks and I consider it a great whisky because of its floral, wood and fruity flavor notes.

AnCnoc 2001

Amanda Swanson, bar manager at Fine & Rare in New York City

AnCnoc 2001. This light, creamy whisky is one of very few I could see myself sipping under quarantine, under what I would normally deem a clear-liquor situation, but the flavors on the AnCnoc 2001 are something like a creamsicle. Rich vanilla and bright citrus shine all around and make for the absolute perfect ‘Anytime, Anywhere’ whisky.

Balvenie 12 Year American Oak

Kyle Walter, bartender at Grayton Beer Brewpub in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida

Balvenie 12 Year American Oak. Take the peat and smoke and marry it with the vanilla notes of the toasted oak and what do you get? The immediate feeling of relief that you have something perfect to sip on.

Bruichladdich Black Art

Ben Schiller, beverage director at RPM Restaurants in Chicago

Bruichladdich Black Art. Bruichladdich is my favorite distillery. They craft a spirit that is both elegant and full force at the same time. They never chill-filter or add caramel coloring to their whiskies, and they age all their products right there on Islay. Black Art is now being bottled at 25 years of age, and it’s been aged in five different types of oak barrels. Bruichladdich keeps them a secret, so it’s enjoyable tasting the dram and trying to reverse engineer the flavors in an effort to determine what barrels they used.

It feels like producer-rapper collaboration albums are more en vogue than ever over the past decade. While there have always been projects singularly crafted by one producer, icons like Madlib and Alchemist have become like contracted hitmen, lacing artists all over the country a batch of tracks at a time.

Pusha T, who already crafted Daytona with Kanye West, may be poised to create a joint album with Madlib (and may even put his Tyler, The Creator beats on one project). Gibbs and Madlib, who released last year’s Bandana, will release Montana as the finale to the trilogy. And prolific lyricists like Gibbs, Currensy, Boldy James, Smoke DZA and others will seemingly always be linking up with talented producers and knocking out marathon studio sessions that turn into projects.

We’ve put together a list of the best such collaboration projects of the past five years (because if we did 10 years, it would just be an Alchemist list). Some of these projects aren’t explicitly branded as collaboration projects, but a quick look at the production credits will reveal a sole producer behind the boards. We eschewed any projects from groups, so Run The Jewels and The Professionals duo of Madlib and Oh No weren’t considered for the list. But Madlib was an entry with another project. Find out which one below:

21 Savage, Offset, & MetroBoomin — Without Warning

There wasn’t a more apropos offering on Halloween 2017 than Without Warning, a union of MetroBoomin’s haunting soundscapes with the cold menace of 21 Savage and Offset, two of the game’s most unapologetic provosts of peril. The obvious standout of the project is “Ric Flair Drip,” an Offset solo track, but he finds a fusion with 21 Savage on tracks like “Ghostface Killers” with Travis Scott, a turbid ode to “Drug dealers in the Mulsanne, at the top of the food chain.” MetroBoomin set the stage for a massacre with a sparse canvas of eerie melodies and quaking 808s, and both 21 and Offset followed through with more gore than a slasher series.

Rico Nasty & Kenny Beats — Anger Management

Anger Management is the perfect title for Kenny Beats and Rico Nasty’s 2018 collaboration project. Kenny’s collection of ruckus production was an ideal canvas for Rico to unfurl her rambunctious mic presence over 18 minutes of intense rhyming, creative flows, and self-assured lines like, “I got b*tches on my dick and I ain’t even got a dick.” Kenny provides a caustic soundscape for Rico to reel off boasts and idle threats. “Cheat Code,” which sounds like the sonic depiction of a minefield, typifies the energy of the nine-song tornado of a project.

Little Simz — Grey Area

Little Simz’ Grey Area wasn’t specifically billed as a collaboration album, but her childhood friend Inflo produced every track on her standout 2019 project. And he did a damn good job of it, crafting well-rounded beats that were for ripe Simz’ introspection and theatrical delivery on songs like “101FM” and “Therapy.” Grey Area’s most impressive moment is “Venom,” where Inflo’s spellbinding strings get entangled by Simz’ dizzying flow where she takes on rival MCs and the rap world to task, claiming, “they will never wanna admit I’m the best here / from the mere fact that I’ve got ovaries.”

Currensy & The Alchemist — The Carrollton Heist

Alchemist and Currensy crafted a pillar of the producer-rapper collaborations with 2012’s Covert Coup, and they linked back up in 2015 for The Carrollton Heist mixtape. Currensy’s easygoing, visceral lyricism is a glove fit for the suite of smoky tracks that range from the arresting gleam of “93 AMG” to “Vibration’s” smooth sax play. The 10-track project also features appearances from Styles P and Currensy’s former Young Money boss Lil Wayne, who shows out on “Fat Albert.” Currensy and Alchemist’s chemistry is so seamless that it isn’t even their only entry on their list.

Black Thought & 9th Wonder — Streams Of Thought Vol. 1

Few fans had a second thought that Black Thought would deliver top-tier lyricism on his 2018 debut EP, but 9th Wonder demonstrated an impressive synergy with the Philly rapper throughout the Streams Of Thought Vol. 1. They took listeners on a ride from the start, as Black Thought’s ode to Philly on “Twofifteen” was soundtracked by a 9th’s riveting flip of Spanish singer Jeannette’s “L’Amour Joue Au Violon.” The rest of the project took on a similar theme of Thought tearing down 9th’s production precision. He proclaimed, “these rappers is Peter Pan I’m Pan-African” on “9th vs. Thought,” and showed the many other differences over 9th’s evocative production.

Boldy James & The Alchemist — The Price Of Tea In China

Boldy James and The Alchemist’s third collaboration project just came out in February, but it’s already a shoo-in on this list. Of all of Alchemist’s frequent collaborators, the Alc-Boldy duo may be one of the most unheralded. But that should change after The Price Of Tea In China sits at or near the summit of most hip-hop head’s year-end lists. Both Boldy and Alchemist were in stellar form throughout the 12-track confessional. Alc was deep in his sample bag, offering up a versatile gauntlet of tracks from the unflinching menace of “Scrape The Bowl” with to the extraterrestrial obscurity of “Giant Slide,” where Boldy delved into his gritty recollections of Detroit with suspenseful scribes that makes the project a must-hear.

Freddie Gibbs, Currensy & The Alchemist — Fetti

Freddie Gibbs, Currensy and The Alchemist are three of the rap game’s most prolific artists. It’s no surprise that their Fetti project may have taken just days to complete, and even less surprising that the nine-track offering will be ringing off for years to come. Gibbs and Currensy are both top tier lyricists, though their thematic wheelhouses don’t exactly coalesce. It’s a testament to their versatility (and Alchemist’s unforgettable collection of soul samples) that they sounded like a weathered duo throughout Fetti, especially on lyrical exercises like “Location Remote” and “New Thangs.”

Jay-Z — 4:44

Beyonce’s Lemonade and constant tabloid headlines about her and Jay-Z’s relationship gave us an idea of what Jay-Z would talk about on 4:44, but few could anticipate that he would delve as deep as he did on 4:44, easily his most cathartic work. The project was entirely helmed by NO I.D., who crafted the project based on songs that Jay-Z was actually listening to at the time of its 2017 recording. NO I.D.’s sonic dynamism (bore from Quincy Jones’ slam of “4-bar loops”) resulted in highlights like “Story Of OJ,” “Family Feud.” and the powerful title track, where Jay-Z pleased, “I apologize, often womanize.” The album was a late-career resurgence that reasserted his position at the top of the rap game.

Pusha T — Daytona

Pusha T’s Daytona is the jewel of Kanye West’s GOOD summer of seven-track projects. Pusha T’s detractors bemoan his single-minded focus on drug raps. Save some introspection (and slugs at Drake) on “Infrared,” Daytona was mostly the same thing — and it didn’t matter one damn bit. Pusha’s wit, slick tongue, and vivid lyricism was the perfect storm atop Kanye’s compelling chops. “These Are The Games We Play” is one of the most encapsulating portraits of “the life” ever spat on a record, while “What Would Meek Do” was searing braggadocio featuring one of Kanye’s best verses of the past five years. It was the album of summer ‘18, and maybe 2018 altogether.

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib — Bandana

When Freddie Gibbs recently clarified to Russ that “we already” brought back soul samples, 2019’s Bandana, a followup to 2014’s Pinata, was exactly what he was referring to. Madlib’s rich, creative assemblage of warm samples (“Palmolive,” “Gat Damn,” and “Education”) was a ripe canvas for Gibbs to deliver his best lyrical showing ever. His melodic, gruff crime narratives are still intact, but he hits another stride on Bandana with a story of infidelity on “Practice” and subtle commentary like “Crime Pays’” “twisted in the system, just a number listed on the page,” slipped into his repertoire. He and Madlib’s 15-track album is a masterful offering of the classic sinister soul format with modern-day sonics in mind.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

As the coronavirus pandemic forces the closures of countless businesses across the country, musicians are offering support in any way they can. Rihanna and Jay-Z recently offered $2 million to coronavirus relief efforts and Lizzo donated lunch to hospital workers. Among the charitable has been Taylor Swift, who last year was the highest-paid musician in the world. The singer recently covered the rent of a worried photographer and now Swift is taking it upon herself to help out a local Nashville record store.

For the past two weeks, Grimey’s New & Preloved Music in Nashville has sent its employees home due to the coronavirus. The record store has been worried about being able to support its employees, who are now out of work. Thankfully, Swift quickly offered financial support. The pop singer is graciously paying each employee their salary as well as covering three months’ worth of healthcare costs.

According to Rolling Stone, Grimey co-owner Doyle Davis said they were shocked and thankful for Swift’s generosity:

“We were very surprised, and I would have to say amazed, that Taylor Swift reached out to us through her publicist to offer some relief during the COVID pandemic. I didn’t even know we were on her radar, but she really stepped up to help after the recent tornadoes that struck Nashville and middle Tennessee and now, she’s trying to help a beloved small business in her city. Taylor generously offered some direct relief to my staff and to cover three months of our healthcare costs for our group insurance plan. It’s a huge deal to us and now I have some peace of mind as we apply for [Small Business Association] loans to pay rent, vendors, and other expenses. This assistance from Ms. Swift helps give us a real shot at coming back on the other side of this.”

Read more of Uproxx’s coverage on the coronavirus here.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Previously on AEW Dark: AEW began giving independent wrestlers who were out of work a paycheck to stop by Daily’s Place and take an Armpit Choke from Jack Swagger. As a reminder and disclaimer, I think this is a really cool thing they’re doing, and the “Jobbers of the Week” gimmick is just a borrowed gag from the WWF Superstars column and done with both a wink wink and a nudge nudge.

If you’d like to keep up with this column and its thinly veiled Best and Worst format, you can keep tabs on the Ins and Outs of AEW Dark tag page. Make sure you check out the weekly Dynamite version of this column, and keep track of all things All Elite here.

Follow With Spandex on Twitter and Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter, where everything and everyone is terrible.

You can watch the latest episode of AEW Dark here:

All In: TNT, I’m A Power Load

This week’s most important development is the formal announcement of the TNT Championship, aka All Elite Wrestling’s introduction of a mid-card Television Championship with a tournament instead of having Hacksaw Jim Duggan literally fish one out of the garbage. The NWA just ran a Television Championship tournament back in January, so we’re on pace for six of these by the end of 2020. WWE should’ve had a “WWE Network Championship” years ago. Cesaro should already be a seven-time champ.

We find out the first two matches in the TNT tourney as well, and it looks like they’re using those spots to softly revive important feuds from the company’s short history. We’ve got Sammy Guevara vs. Darby Allin, which was more or less blown off at Revolution, and Shawn Spears vs. Cody Rhodes, calling back to their feud from All Out and that time Spears went full The Rock and tried to turn Cody’s brains into applesauce.

I hope they continue that theme on the other side of the bracket. I don’t know who’s going to win, but I’ll say that Cody as the “TNT Champion” who has to defend on Dynamite every week is a stellar use for a big, workhorse star who in-universe is no longer allowed to challenge for the company’s only other men’s singles title. Just make sure you guys buy a bunch of TSN stickers to slap on the front of the belt when you wrestle in Canada, okay?

Jobbers Of The Week

East Coast Zicky Dice Matt Sells is back this week, providing light competition and a warm body for Sammy Guevara’s non-stop cavalcade of double-bi poses and sarcastic top rope bullshit. Cody and Tony Schiavone are settling in nicely as a commentary team, I think, and benefit from doing commentary in post instead of having to be there live. It’s also probably easier when you aren’t setting up Cody as the color commentator and then immediately having him go to the ring to wrestle. I like the calm feel of it, especially given that it’s a bunch of enhancement talent bouts on Dark that don’t require anyone to lose their shit and MAMAMIA about it at the top of their lungs. Them breaking down the how and why of which moves are being used, which moves SHOULD be used, and how it all hurts felt valuable. There’s not enough of that in wrestling these days. Little stuff like explaining how to kayfabe escape submissions goes a long way toward rewarding the audience for paying attention and watching closely.

Plus, Sammy Guevara is a world class shit-head. Commentary talked about how he’s super talented but hanging out with the wrong crowd, which made them sound like high school guidance counselors, and Sammy broke out everything from the top rope pose into a grounded slap to Chris Jericho’s legendary C’MON BAYBAY pin. Good stuff all around.

Up next it’s the BATTLE OF THE SHAWNS as Tully-less chairperson Shawn Spears goes one-on-one with “The Captain” Shawn Dean. Dean’s the Captain because he was in the Navy, so that plus him being an AR Fox student has me assuming he was one of the guys on Kill Shot and Dante Fox’s squad in Afghanistan. How fast do you think they’d change the name “Shawn Dean” if he got signed to NXT?

Anyway, Spears finishes off Dean in a couple of minutes with a running Death Valley Driver to earn his first win of 2020 and his first since he started searching for a regular tag team partner in the bottom of the barrel. Dean’s not bad, but Spears loses points for not pinning him and declaring, “I’m the Captain now.”

After that, we get Darby Allin versus The Masterpiece Chris Masters.

[checks notes]

Sorry, this is Preston Vance, going by the Kevin Nash approved nickname of “Vanilla.” One, he should team with Renee Dupree and they should call themselves French Vanilla. Two, he should team with Millie McKenzie and call themselves Millie Vanilla. I’ve got like six more of these, but I’ll spare you. Okay, one more. He should team with Dr. Britt Baker DMD and they should should call themselves Vanilla Extract.

Vance has the unique AEW record of 0-1 despite this being his AEW television debut, as he was Shawn Spears’ tag team partner in that Billy and Austin Gunn “Gunn Club” match that got cut from Dark back in January. His performance here is easily the best on the show, but that’s mostly due to the fact that (1) he’s paired with Darby Allin, and (2) is way bigger than Allin, so he gets to control the match and Darby has to fight from underneath. Darby as a super talented tiny guy showing he can defeat less talented bigger guys is important, I think, as it justifies him hanging in there against some of AEW’s bigger stars. Not that he’s not good enough to convince you to buy that anyway, but I like being able to actually see him apply his skills and win when at a physical disadvantage.

I also appreciate Cody declaring that Vance’s stutter-stepping was “Fred Flintstone feet,” which validates years of me naming Austin Aries’ little shuffle run after Barney Rubble. I hope Vance sticks around, and that they pair him with somebody who reminds me too much of Carlito Caribbean Cool.

Finally there’s the hilariously named FABOO ANDRE, who looks like a young Ron Howard got cast in an unlicensed Shawn Michaels biopic with no budget. If the name “Faboo Andre,” the nickname “The Monarch of Manliness,” and the fact that he looks absolutely terrible isn’t enough to sell you on him as AEW’s equivalent to Eric Bugenhagen, perhaps his INCREDIBLE ENTRANCE THEME will:

Apparently they listen to a lot of hair metal in “the butterfly garden.”

Fabulous Andre unfortunately draws the shortest straw imaginable and gets paired up with AEW World Champion Jon Moxley, who cares so much about this match he pretends to operate the camera while he’s walking to the ring. Faboo surprises him by countering a vertical suplex into an arm drag and landing a couple of kicks, so Mox takes him seriously for like two seconds and murders him with a lariat, a Gotch piledriver, and an STF. SIGN FABOO ANDRE RIGHT NOW YOU COWARDS.

After the match, a wrestler far less interesting than Faboo Andre, Jake Hager, shows up and chokes out Moxley for what feels like 25 minutes. Hager armpits him and they just lie there with Moxley dying and nobody running out to help him. Cody’s even like, “hey referee, maybe get in the ring and try to stop him from manslaughtering the world’s champion on our pre-taped, empty arena, jobber squash show?” It goes on for like a full minute.

So between that and the STF Moxley used to win here, are we doing a submission match? More importantly, is Faboo Andre okay?

Tomorrow Night On Dynamite

The other half of the TNT Championship tournament is announced, Jon Moxley addresses his savage arm-pitting at the hands of Jake Strong, and Kenny Omega waits 20 minutes before no-selling whatever Trent Beretta does. Plus, the announcement of a TBS Championship, awarded to whomever loves the Atlanta Braves and watches the most Captain Planet episodes. See you then!