Category: Worldwide

Ken Jennings reminded everyone that he’s not afraid to clap back at Jeopardy! fans who question the trivia show’s accuracy. Mispronounce a word, and they’ll pounce all over you.

However, this time, Jennings had the dictionary on his side. The debacle started after a recent episode that involved rhyming the word sake. Little did Jeopardy! know it was stepping on a land mine. Via Decider:

Under the category “Potent Potable Rhyme Time,” the trio had to guess two rhyming words, with one of them being an alcoholic beverage. The $200 clue, which read, “Rice wine for the guy who rides a racehorse,” was guessed correctly by Elsila, who responded, “What is: ‘Sake’ and ‘Jockey.’”

On social media, Jeopardy! fans called out the show for the seemingly controversial rhyming. “Dear @Jeopardy writers ‘Sake’ and ‘Jockey’ are not rhyming words,” one fan tweeted.

The fan then decided to tag Jennings, who shot back with a screenshot that confirmed the show’s pronunciation is correct. “I am once again asking Americans to buy a dictionary,” Jennings replied.

But the back and forth didn’t end there. The user replied, “Love when English changes foreign words, I guess,” which prompted another snarky response from Jennings. “Yeah, I’m always mad when people say the ‘s’ in Paris. Shameful.”

(Via Decider)

I’m not sure whether The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon could be more or less interesting than watching Norman Reedus talk about the spinoff. Could it possibly be more entertaining than hearing Reedus say “Boom Boom”? Doesn’t seem possible.

On Tuesday night, Reedus was on hand to promote the AMC spinoffs coming over the next year or so. He was flanked by fellow cast members Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Lauren Cohan, and Andrew Lincoln in the above photo, along with Danai Gurira, who stole the show while joining the below photo.

All five actors will appear in spinoffs, including the even more disgusting Dead City and the Rick and Michonne show. As well, Reedus will appear in the very starkly titled, The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon series, which will begin with him washing ashore in France with no idea how he got there.

Previously, Reedus revealed that his spinoff includes “destroying the Louvre and stuff.” My wish of seeing the walkers in the Catacombs will come true, as Reedus revealed while deeming his show “poetic,” via Entertainment Tonight:

“It’s kind of a reset for me,” Reedus said of his Daryl Dixon-focused series, The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon, which is slated for a June premiere. “Everything kind of breathes in a romantic way. We have the backdrop of France, we have the Catacombs, the Eiffel Tower. … The whole vibe is different.”

Reedus went on to explain that the entire look and tone of the upcoming show is a departure from its predecessor, gushing about the beauty of its size and scope. “A lot of the story is me trying to figure out what’s happening and how to get out of here,” he continued. “There’s a lot going on, but it’s super poetic, it’s super beautiful. It’s not a repeat of the same show at all.”

Let’s hope, however, that even though it’s a different type of show, that we’ll still see Daryl with a crossbow at some point. And a vespa. Also, it should be comical to see Daryl in France when he cannot speak French to save his life. With all of that said, I still don’t feel great about any The Walking Dead scene including a horse. Be careful, Daryl.

(Via ET Online)

Of course leave it to Judy Blume to find the perfect word for a response, with that word leaving no doubt of her intentions or opinion: “bullshit.”

Some background: Blume was interviewed by a reporter with a history of anti-trans opinions. Blume was asked a question about online harassment, using J.K. Rowling as an example, and Blume’s answer about being against harassment against women was then vaguely framed by that reporter as being against the trans community. At no point was Blume asked a direct question about the trans community, a community she’s made clear in the past she supports. Blume then issued a response that is firmly clear about her support for trans people and offers no leeway for misinterpretation, ending with, “Anything to the contrary is total bullshit.” As Blume tells us ahead, she was adamant on the use of the word “bullshit.”

It’s a big month for Blume, with two movies coming out in successive weeks. Next week will see the release of the adaptation of Are You There God? it’s Me, Margaret, in which Blume herself has a cameo. But first, this week, we get Amazon’s Judy Blume Forever, a documentary that covers her legendary career. (Which had its premiere back at Sundance, which we wrote about then.)

Before speaking to Blume and co-directors Davina Pardo and Leah Wolchok, I immersed myself in all things Judy Blume. I saw Are You There God? it’s Me, Margaret (the embargo is not up on that one yet, but let’s just say I enjoyed it immensely) and re-read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, a book that as a child probably influenced me like no other, leading to a lifelong dream of, like Peter Hatcher, living in New York City (which I have now for 18 years) and, also like Peter, having a pet turtle – who Blume seemed genuinely delighted to meet.

On Sunday you released a statement, and I know you want it to speak for itself, but of course Judy Blume comes up with the perfect word, the word “bullshit.”

Judy Blume: Listen, there was a whole crowd around me and I said, “Do you want this to sound like me? You want this to be me? ‘Bullshit.’” And then it was my husband’s brilliant idea to attach the very recent talk that I gave with Variety. I mean, anyway, I’m done with that.

Alright, we’re done with that. I saw an interview with Davina, which she was saying how this all started with Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Margaret plays such a big role in this film. So how did Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing become this documentary?

Davina Pardo: Well, I think that book is often an entry point for kids starting to read Judy Blume books. It was for my kids. We were on a road trip about five years ago, and we decided to listen to the audiobook of Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. That’s how it was all started. It was sort of the power of hearing Judy Blume’s voice for the first time for me, because Judy narrates that series herself, so if you’re ever in the car and you want to finish the rest of the series…

I live in New York. I don’t have a car.

Davina Pardo: Well, with your earbuds on the subway!

Leah Wolchok: Going for a walk!

Davina Pardo: There’s something about hearing Judy’s voice, seeing my kids react to the book, and realizing how incredibly wonderful it still is, because I hadn’t read it for thirty-five, whatever, many years. And it just hit me in this really visceral way that I needed to know more about Judy Blume. I had been so tied up in the characters and the stories when I was a kid, but I didn’t know anything about Judy, and suddenly I started Googling and was trying to learn as much as I could, just out of curiosity. I didn’t have my filmmaker hat on yet. But then that filmmaker curiosity took over, and that’s the origin of this whole thing.

Here’s what I learned after writing about this movie. Judy tweeted at me about that review, which I of course retweeted. And a lot of women I know were shocked that boys read Judy Blume. In Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing you’re writing, very convincingly, in the first person as a nine-year-old boy. How?

Judy Blume: No idea how. I don’t know. I wrote Fudge early on. I wrote Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing early on. I don’t know. I hear voices. You know? I don’t see the characters. I don’t know what they look like necessarily. But the way it works is I hear voices. That’s a weird thing to say, but I do. I hear their voices, and that’s what I put down on paper. I mean, I remember right after Margaret, the next day after I sent the manuscript off not knowing if anyone would publish it. I started Then Again, Maybe I Won’t. And I thought, okay, I have been a 12-year-old girl for a couple of months, now I’d really like to be a 12-year-old boy.

Rereading that book, poor Jimmy Fargo. He got mugged three times. But what I’ve been wondering, it’s like the chicken or the egg, did Judy fully capture what it was like to be a boy at that age, or did she inform me what a boy should be like at that age? Or maybe it’s a combination of both.

Leah Wolchok: I think Judy Blume shaped everyone’s experiences and made you feel like she was right inside your head, because that is a gift as an author. She’s saying she hears voices. She heard our voices in her head. How is that possible that our heads were inside her head, and that she put our words onto the page and we were reading them back to ourselves. I mean, it’s this funny meta cycle of who… Yeah, you’re right, chicken and egg. Who’s influencing who here?

To that point, it freaked me out because I haven’t read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing in a long time. I grew up in Missouri, but I’ve always wanted to live in New York, and I never quite understood why. But rereading this, I’m like, “Oh, right, I think it’s this book.” And I have a pet turtle still. It’s literally crawling around here somewhere. And I’m just like, “Oh, right, just like Peter Hatcher.”

Leah Wolchok: Oh, my gosh. Is your turtle named Dribble? That would be really creepy!

So, I don’t think this is related, but the turtle’s name is Simon, which, I know, Margaret Simon.

Leah Wolchok: I mean, I think it might be related in some level of your consciousness that you haven’t yet come to terms with.

I think we’re figuring some stuff out here right now.

Judy Blume: How big is your turtle? Your turtle is…

Leah Wolchok: She wants to know if it’s swallowable! She wants to know if it can be eaten.

Oh no, he’s too big. But here, I found him, here’s Simon.

Judy Blume: Simon!

He’s 25 now…

Judy Blume: Oh my goodness, 25?!?! You’ve had him 25 years?

Yeah, I’ve had him since 1998. So anyway, look what you did. Simon, she’s the reason I have you, by the way.

Judy Blume: [Yells at her husband] Are you hearing this? You’re entertaining my husband.

Davina Pardo: And he comes to work with you?

Oh, I’m at home. I think I might get a letter from HR if I were doing that.

Judy Blume: I know a woman who had a companion turtle, what do you call it when you go on a plane? Emotional support. She brought her turtle. It was a turtle like Simon, big turtle.

I didn’t even know you could do that.

Judy Blume: Well, I don’t know if you can anymore.

Okay, we’re having fun, but I did want to ask one more serious thing. Judy lives in Florida and has been vocal about the book banning. The documentary gets into when something similar happened in the early 1980s. Is it worse now or then? Or similar?

Judy Blume: It’s much worse now. And it’s much scarier. Because it’s coming from government and we have legislators proposing laws that could be passed. Laws that tell kids what they can think, what they can know. I mean, the ’80s were bad enough because we had these wild groups of parents running into libraries saying, “Get this book out of here.” But then libraries and schools got their policies in place. We had less of it, it wasn’t completely gone, but we had much less. And suddenly I live in state… DeSantis. So we’ve got this governor, a madman of a governor who is trying to control everything. I mean, that’s it. I think it’s about control. That’s always scary.

Well, I’m out of time. Before we go though I did wanted to say I enjoyed your cameo in Margaret…

Judy Blume: Well, thank you. I wish we had more time with you. You’re fun.

Oh, that made my year.

Leah Wolchok: Bye, Simon too.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

The Golden State Warriors face an 0-2 hole in their opening round matchup against the Sacramento Kings, and while the series is moving to the Chase Center for Game 3, Golden State will need to avoid getting pushed to the brink of elimination without Draymond Green. In a bit of news announced on Tuesday night, Green got suspended for Game 3 after an incident in Game 2 in which he stomped on Kings center Domantas Sabonis. Green defended himself after the game by bringing up that Sabonis grabbed his leg.

Unsurprisingly, the Warriors are not happy that they’re going to have to pick up a win while Green watches. According to Adrian Wojnarowski of ESPN, the defending champions are “livid” over Green’s suspension, even if there is nothing they can do about it.

“Consider the Warriors, in one word, livid,” Wojnarowski said. “They certainly didn’t agree with the one-game suspension, I think they were surprised at it. No question about that — they certainly went through this in the Finals with Cleveland, losing Draymond Green for a game in 2016. But they’re gonna have to live with it. There’s really nowhere to go with an appeal in these situations … I think there were a lot of people who believed, perhaps, that the ruling on the court was going to stand, but it took the league a while yesterday to get through all the interviews in this. I know they talked to Sabonis earlier in the day, they talked to the Warriors people later in the day.”

As for why Green got suspended for such an important game despite getting ejected from Game 2, Wojnarowski spoke to Joe Dumars, the NBA’s executive vice president and head of basketball operations. Dumars echoed what the league said in its statement on the matter, saying that multiple factors led to the decision.

“Here’s what it came down to: excessive and over-the-top actions, conduct detrimental and a repeat offender,” Dumars said. “That’s what separates this where you end up with a suspension.”

Game 3 between the Warriors and Kings will tip off at approximately 10 p.m. EST on TNT on Thursday evening.

We’ve come a long way in our understanding and representation of chronic conditions. However, certain disorders, like Tourette Syndrome, remain mostly under mystery and stigma.

Symptoms of Tourette Syndrome revolve around involuntary, repetitive movements or sounds known as “tics,” such as facial grimacing, twitching, humming, jerking the head and yelling out phrases or even swear words. These behaviors, which aren’t the norm in most social interactions, have often been the punchline of a joke or resulted in bullying.

Over the years, several celebrities have come forward revealing themselves as having Tourette Syndrome in an effort to raise awareness of the neurological disorder, perhaps the most well known being pop idol Billie Eilish.

A year ago in May 2022, Eilish sat down for an interview with David Letterman for his Netflix show “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction” when she began visibly ticking. The conversation that sprung from that moment has recently resurfaced online, and it is a still great example of how we can avoid misconceptions with sensitivity.

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While on camera, Eilish experienced a tic where she quickly shook her head, prompting Letterman to ask if something was wrong. When she matter-of-factly stated what was happening—“I’m ticking”—Letterman began asking sincere, thoughtful questions.

First, he asked if something triggered it, to which Eilish replied it was the lights (bright, fluorescent, flickering and flashing lights are a common sensory trigger for Tourette’s). Previously the “Bad Guy” singer shared that her tics manifest less when she’s concentrated on something like performing or horseback riding, but otherwise, they are quite common.

“If you film me for long enough, you’re gonna see lots of tics,” she told Letterman.

Tics can understandably be easy to misinterpret, especially for those who don’t know much about Tourrette’s. Even Letterman admitted thinking that she was “fed up” and looking away on purpose.

“The most common way that people react is they laugh because they think I’m trying to be funny,” Eilish explained. “I’m always left incredibly offended by that.”

Letterman then shared his appreciation for Eilish including him in the conversation, along with concern as to whether or not he might have exacerbated the situation. On the contrary, Eilish was grateful to him for asking and with enthusiasm stated that she “loves answering questions about it.”

Watch:

Though diagnosed at age 11, Eilish didn’t go public about having Tourette’s until 2018, for fear of being identified solely through her condition. If this is a fear for an insanely popular music icon, imagine what it must be like for folks in everyday life.

In fact, the video prompted a lot of heartfelt responses in the comments section from those who either have Tourette’s themselves, or have loved one who displays symptoms. Here are just a few:

“As someone who has Tourette’s, it can be really frustrating how misunderstood it is by the general population. I appreciate her being open about it and bringing attention to it.”

“The worst reaction to my Tourettes is ‘what the f**k is wrong with you?’ Its honestly heartbreaking, and makes me hide away and avoid going out most of the time. And I’m not even on the high end of the spectrum, mine is more stress and anxiety induced, I could go months without ticking.”

“When I was little, my parents would make fun of me in front of my siblings. Never realized how much of an effect it would have on me as an adult. Having a supportive inner circle is so important.”

“Sometimes my tics are really bad during college, and I frequently get odd stares. I appreciate Billie being more open about it — maybe if more people knew, they’d react differently.”

“I’m honestly so glad there’s a celebrity as big as Billie who has Tourette’s and will make it more known to people because a lot of people don’t know what Tourette’s are.”

This is why awareness is so important. Insensitive reactions can be more than just hurtful—they can steal away a person’s humanity. Tics or no tics, people deserve to be treated with respect. And often that begins with honest, compassionate conversations.

With The Weeknd’s HBO series The Idol finally premiering soon, the promotion for the show has kicked into high gear. That means new music, and appropriately, the first single release from The Idol will reunite The Weeknd with his toxic twin Future. “Double Fantasy” is due for release this New Music Friday, perhaps giving us a glimpse at what the music for The Idol — which The Weeknd says is inspired by Prince and Pink Floyd — will sound like ahead of its premiere on June 4.

Future and The Weeknd first displayed their moody, anti-romantic chemistry on “Low Life” from Future’s 2016 album Evol and since then, fans have feverishly anticipated their collaborations. Also in 2016, they teamed up on “All I Know” and “Six Feet Under” from The Weeknd’s Starboy, while in 2017, they linked up again on “Comin Out Strong” from HNDRXX. “Double Fantasy” marks their first collaboration since then, so it’s sure to be one of the more talked-about releases of the (ahem) weekend.

The show it comes from has been similarly buzzed-about, but not always in a good way. Although its release is still months away, rumors of its troubled production and questionable content have fueled controversy online. It remains to be seen whether those rumors will amount to as much of a mess as it seems; for now, fans can look forward to seeing the responses from Cannes Film Festival, where it’s set to debut next month.

The Walkmen had an epic reunion last night on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert. For the first time in 10 years, the New York indie rock band took the stage for a performance of one of their signature songs, “The Rat.”

The band ripped through the song’s electrifying drum and guitar patterns, as lead vocalist Hamilton Leithauser reminded the audience of why The Walkmen has remained an indie favorite, even after being absent from the landscape for so long. As a band, the guys haven’t lost their magic, even if they haven’t performed together in a decade.

Behind the scenes, The Walkmen made sure to prove that their musical chemistry hadn’t dwindled. Last week, the band shared a post on their Instagram account, revealing their plans to perform “The Rat” without rehearsing the song prior.

“Ever since we started The Walkmen, we’ve done everything by the seat of our pants,” read text in a post of a throwback image of the band. “We don’t ‘plan’ much. So, during out Zoom ‘planning’ meeting, we decided the best way to play together for the very first time would be on national television without a single rehearsal. So next Tuesday, we will be playing ‘The Rat’ on Stephen Colbert. It will be the first time we all have played together in 10 years. I guess there will be a soundcheck but we don’t even know if this equipment works.”

Check out the performance of “The Rat” above.

Taylor Swift was reportedly in talks for a partnership with FTX, a now-collapsed cryptocurrency exchange, as she was preparing her Eras Tour in the fall of 2021. FTX’s owner, Sam Bankman-Fried, has since been charged with defrauding investors, but at the time was bringing celebrities like Shaq, Tom Brady, Larry David, Steph Curry, and more on board (all of whom are now facing a lawsuit).

According to a new interview that lawyer Adam Moskowitz did with The Scoop podcast, he spoke to the fact that most celebrity endorsers didn’t research much into the company — except Swift. In a previous report from the Financial Times, Swift’s $100 million tour deal would have included selling tickets as NFTs.

Moskowitz is now the pursuing the nearly $5 billion class-action lawsuit on behalf of clients who lost money upon FTX’s bankruptcy last year.

“The one person I found that did that was Taylor Swift,” Moskowitz said. “In our discovery, Taylor Swift actually asked them, ‘Can you tell me that these are not unregistered securities?’”

And this is exactly where the company’s downfall came from. Per Business Insider, securities are considered a “tradeable asset” and must be registered with the SEC. Yet, FTX’s cryptocurrency, FTT, despite being a security that was “sold as an investment contact,” was not properly registered.

As today’s news of Swift’s passing on the FTX deal broke, her father, Scott, also became a trending topic on social media, as some cited his work at Merrill Lynch for possibly advising her on the deal.

View some reactions below.

The news is true: nearly every early-to-mid 2000s fantasy-adjacent franchise is coming back! Whether you want it or not. Does anybody really want this?

First up, we’ve got a Harry Potter series in the works on the streamer formerly known as HBO Max. Then we’ve got yet another Lord of the Rings spinoff allegedly on the table. And who could forget the Hunger Games prequel hitting theaters this fall? Seemingly a lot of people! But why stop there, when you can cover all of the franchises that dominated the early aughts? Time to call in the big guns in the form of some sparkly vampires. Once again, Narnia remains out of the conversation, but that’s a whole other issue.

Lionsgate has announced that a series based on the hit vampire franchise Twilight will be getting the TV treatment soon. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the series isn’t attached to any specific streamer and will be “shopped around” once the production company gets a writer on board. Series author Stephanie Meyer will reportedly be involved in some capacity and while it’s safe to say Robert Pattinson will not get within 100 miles of the show, that remains unconfirmed.

Jon Feltheimer, Lionsgate’s CEO, explained during an earnings call that there are “a lot more stories to be told, and we’re ready to tell them when our creators are ready to tell those stories,” referring to the series which grossed over $3 billion worldwide during its heyday.

The original series consisted of four main novels (and later two companion books) which were subsequently made into five films between 2008 and 2012. While the series was not considered what many would call “good,” it managed to launch the careers of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, who would have never become the Batman he is today if it wasn’t for Edward Cullen. He also admits that while the movies haven’t aged well, enough time has passed that he can embrace his teenage years as a tormented vamp. In fact, we all should be embracing it. Can you imagine seeing this on the big screen in 2023? Reality would shift. Marvel wouldn’t even know how to respond.

(Via The Hollywood Reporter)

The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.

Season 3, Episode 6 — “Sunflowers”

HONORABLE MENTION: Random Dutch dudes with houseboats (not to be trusted, generally); Keeley (off looking at lights in the sky with Jack); Sassy (I think Sassy would’ve had fun in Amsterdam); Yankee Doodle Burger Barn (“Howdy partner”); Dante Charles and the Cartel (very generous of them to let some weird dorky British guy sit in on bass); “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley (this song will be in my head all week now); Jan’s DJ cousin (poor guy probably spent all week telling people his famous cousin and a whole soccer team were coming to his big show and then got ghosted); Dutch sex show performers (they’re very tired)

10. Pillow fights, generally (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

The team spent most of their curfew-free night in Amsterdam trying to decide between seeing a live sex show and going to see Jan’s cousin DJ, and they settled on having a massive pillow fight in the hotel instead. This is all very sweet and wholesome and presumably wonderful for the team-building they need to do after another Zava-less 5-0 loss but I do have a few notes here:

• Pillow fights seem harmless and fun until you’re a little off-balance and get full-on blindsided by a block of surprisingly solid memory foam and end up laid out on the floor with a lot of people laughing at you for getting wiped out by a pillow, which definitely did not happen to me at a sleepover in junior high
• These hotel employees are taking it all pretty well given the massive amount of feathers they’re gonna have to clean up in the morning
• I would like to see Rebecca’s face when Higgins brings her the bill for the trip’s expenses and sees that they owe like $5000 to replace and clean up dozens of mangled high-end pillows

It’s nice to have fun, though.

9. Dani Rojas (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

Just take him to see a tulip.

Jesus Christ.

He almost literally could not be asking for less.

Come on.

8. Higgins and Will (LAST WEEK: 8 and unranked)

This episode had a few different pairings off on a few different Dutch adventures. Higgins and Will going to a jazz club in the red light district was the least… I don’t want to say “necessary”… but, yeah. We didn’t learn too much we didn’t already know. Higgins loves jazz and Will is a sweet little awkward boy. It was fun, sure, and a little shading on these otherwise thinly-drawn dudes is always nice, but it also would have been okay with me if they shaved a few minutes off this hour-long runtime.

That said, the whole thing was almost worth it for the thing at the end where Will tells his mom that he had a threesome with a married couple. I very much did not expect to hear any of those words come out of his mouth and it was probably the hardest I laughed in the entire episode. So… worth it? Maybe. Send Will out with Coach Beard next. That’s a pairing I want to see. Bring Will’s mom along. Let’s get weird.

7. Trent Crimm and Colin (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

Very sweet — and kind of sad — little conversation between these two over a couple beers this week. I’m glad Colin has Trent to talk to and drink vanilla vodka with (Trent’s face was a delight), and I hope we get a nice little episode about him coming out to the team soon, if only for his own mental health. It must be very stressful to live a high-profile double life like this. I worry about him sometimes.

Or rather, I would worry about him, at least more than I am right now, if I could think about anything other than Trent’s boots. That’s one of them in the screencap up there. Just magnificent footwear. Not something you would ordinarily picture a serious journalist wearing. I’m really just very happy for him.

6. Roy and Jamie (LAST WEEK: 2 and unranked)

A few Roy and Jamie notes:

• The bike-riding thing was adorable even if I do not know if I actually buy the idea of Roy willingly learning how to ride a bicycle from Jamie Tartt, of all people
• An interesting and kind of heartbreaking glance into both of their childhoods this week, between Roy’s speech about his grandfather (please take five minutes today and picture a 5-year-old Roy Kent) and Jamie’s thing about his dad taking him to a prostitute to lose his virginity (“virginit-eh”)
• Jamie sure does know a lot about Amsterdam

I really did enjoy watching Roy fall off that bike.

5. Rebecca (LAST WEEK: 3)

I’m glad it all worked out for her and turned into a lovely memory she can carry around with her for the rest of her life…

BUT

… I really must insist none of you hop aboard a houseboat that belongs to a strange foot-obsessed man who has a trunk filled with women’s clothes in his bedroom and keeps offering you alcohol and knows you just lost your cell phone after falling off a bridge and into a canal.

Please.

Do not do this.

It is a bad idea.

4. This guy (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

I already loved this dirty little bike thief a lot. I was probably going to find a way to squeeze him into the top ten somewhere. Then I let the credits roll to check something else and an audible gasp escaped my face when I saw how he was credited in the episode…

GIZMO THE BIKE JUNKIE

GIZMO

THE BIKE JUNKIE

GIZMO THE BIKE JUNKIE

Send him out with Beard and Will. See where they end up. Let them all ride stolen bicycles through the Alps. There is very little stopping anyone from doing this. Give it to me.

3. Ted (LAST WEEK: 5)

One of the sillier things about this show is that Ted — a good man who works hard and takes pride in his job — still does not know a single damn thing about soccer even though he has coached a professional soccer team for a few years. Like, he knows nothing. It’s something that was cute early on but borders on dereliction of duty here in season three. Imagine if you got hired to drive a forklift and three full years later you still barely knew how to turn it on and steer it. The team has had success, of course, thanks to the division of labor where Beard handles all the tactical business and Ted does the generic leadership stuff, but still. Read a book, Ted.

Which all made the end of this episode interesting. Ted, under the impression he might have been tripping on what turned out to be a bum batch of mushrooms, saw triangles everywhere — food, basketball games, etc. — at the Burger Barn and started thinking up all sorts of wild soccer strategies. Did it turn out all of this had actually been invented in Holland many years ago? Yes. But we just give Ted the credit for trying here. Good for him. I hope he gave that waiter his pen back.

2. Onion Rings (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

There’s very little I can say here that I didn’t already say in this 1000-word ode to onion rings I wrote a few years ago. Onion rings are the best. Maybe a top ten food, overall. I watched the screener for this episode a few days ago and almost immediately ordered some from my local pizza place, which does them very well. I shoved them all into my face so fast. I feel great about everything here.

1. Coach Beard (LAST WEEK: 1)

Here’s the thing: Part of me is dying to know exactly how Beard went from Ted’s hotel room to full Piggy Stardust in a van full of Dutch people who he was conversing with in their own language, kind of like that episode last season where we followed him around for a whole night.

A bigger part of me is glad to let this particular mystery be.