It took over a decade and lots of dangled carrots in front of fans’ eyes, but the long-threatened revival of Party Down — one of the great cult shows that inconveniently became popular after it had been cancelled over low ratings — is for real. How for real? It has a teaser and a release date. As per Deadline, the show will return for six more “are we having fun yet?”-packed episode starting on Friday, February 24, and on the very channel that birthed and killed it: Starz (and on its app and streaming platforms).
Party Down ran for a mere two seasons, 20 episodes total, in 2009 and 2010, and it concerned the largely amusingly unamused staff of a catering company. Each episode found them at a different, non-fun (for them, at least) soirée: the after party of a porn awards show; a celebration for a Russian heavy (Steven Weber) who may have just been acquitted of murder; the birthday of Steve Guttenberg (as himself).
The stellar cast, meanwhile, included Adam Scott as a formerly struggling actor who had consigned himself to the oblivion of a crappy job after peaking with a catchphrase-heavy hit commercial that basically wound up destroying his career. Scott is back, as are Ken Marino, Martin Starr, Ryan Hansen, Jane Lynch, and Megan Mullally, who took over in the second season. One catch is it’s missing Lizzy Caplan, who played Scott’s on-again-off-again love interest but who was unfortunately too busy with other very nice gigs. Ditto Jennifer Coolidge, who subbed in for two episodes and who’s also doing pretty, pretty well these days.
It’s been 12 years since last we saw the crew of Party Down; they’re not really still catering crap gigs, are they? Not really. Here’s the logline:
10 years later, most of the Party Down catering team have moved on, including actor/bartender Henry Pollard (Scott). After a surprise reunion, the gang find themselves once again stoically enduring the procession of random parties and oddball guests all over Los Angeles.
The guest cast list currently includes Jennifer Garner, Tyrel Jackson Williams, and Zoë Chao, with James Marsden as a recurring character.
You can watch the teaser in the video above. Party Down returns starting February 24 on Starz and its attendant platforms.
The Greeting Committee has come a long way since forming as high schoolers in Kansas City, Missouri. With several EPs and two albums to their name — including last year’s mighty Dandelion — The Greeting Committee have returned with one goal in mind: They’re on a mission to make you dance and cry.
Returning to their indie pop roots and honing in on their relatability with their latest singles “Anything But You” and “Hopscotch,” The Greeting Committee are here to bring unfettered joy back to indie music. The wistful and shimmering ballad “Anything But You” manages to pull on heartstrings while the upbeat “Hopscotch” is one of their catchiest and most endearing numbers to date.
Celebrating the release of their new singles, The Greeting Committee band members Addison Sartino and Pierce Turcotte sat down with Uproxx to talk Death Cab For Cutie, staying at gnarly motels, and how magical a gifted book can be in our latest Q&A.
What are four words you would use to describe your music?
Sartino: To dance and cry.
It’s 2050 and the world hasn’t ended and people are still listening to your music. How would you like it to be remembered?
Sartino: Timeless and true.
What’s your favorite city in the world to perform?
Sartino: Depends on the tour. So far, San Francisco has won this round.
Who’s the person who has most inspired your work, and why?
Sartino: My bandmate Pierce has most inspired my work because he approaches music so innocently. He wants it to be fun and interesting. He doesn’t look through a lens of pretension. He doesn’t ask me to bleed for it.
Where did you eat the best meal of your life?
Sartino: The Southern in Nashville has the best fried chicken dinner I’ve ever had.
What album do you know every word to?
Sartino:Plans by Death Cab for Cutie or The 1975’s self-titled record.
What was the best concert you’ve ever attended?
Sartino: The Killers at Madison Square Garden.
What is the best outfit for performing and why?
Sartino: Although I’m branching out now, suits were my go-to for a long time. They’re comfortable but elevated.
Who’s your favorite person to follow on Twitter and/or Instagram?
What’s your most frequently played song in the van on tour?
Sartino: I put The National on shuffle in the van multiple times a week.
What’s the last thing you Googled?
Sartino: “How old is Suki Waterhouse?” She’s 30, by the way.
What album makes for the perfect gift?
Sartino:Bambi by Hippo Campus.
Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever crashed while on tour?
Sartino: A gnarly motel where our van broke down in Yonkers, New York.
What’s the story behind your first or favorite tattoo?
Turcotte: I got my first tattoo with my older brother and sister. We ended up deciding on each getting one of the Powerpuff Girls. However, my brother and got the Rowdyruff Boy version so mine is Butch, the boy version of Buttercup. Still my only tattoo so far.
What artists keep you from flipping the channel on the radio?
Turcotte: I definitely have my comfort artists that will keep me from changing the channel, but I always love listening to new music from stations/playlists that I generally trust. 90.9 The Bridge in Kansas City is one of those stations where I can leave it on and be happy.
What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?
Sartino: My stepdad gave me 18 of his favorite books with little notes in them for my 18th birthday. He would get me books for my birthdays growing up with a check as the bookmark. I could only cash the check once I had written a one page essay on what I learned from reading the book.
What’s one piece of advice you’d go back in time to give to your 18-year-old self?
Turcotte: I remember feeling really stuck when I was 18 and trying to figure out what to do with my life. I would tell myself to not hold on so tightly to that version of myself.
What’s the last show you went to?
Turcotte: I went to see Phoenix and Paramore in the same week. Phoenix had an incredible light show, but it was such a blast seeing Paramore and singing songs I grew up with.
What movie can you not resist watching when it’s on TV?
Turcotte: Back when I would watch a lot of cable TV: Star Wars, The Matrix, or Lord Of The Rings would be on all the time. It was always these fantasy movies that would replay throughout the day. I couldn’t help but watch at least some of it, even if the commercials made the movie twice as long.
What’s one of your hidden talents?
Turcotte: Creative writing is a big passion of mine. Any free time I get at home, I will chip away at a fantasy novel that I’m working on. Outside of that, I’ve always been interested in coffee culture. I’ve worked in coffee for several years and it’s often where I spend my time at home or on the road.
The original Avatar was a game-changer, and its very belated sequel hopes to be the same. It’s at least bigger, which is to say it’s even longer. It’s got a new take on the high-frame rate business that has never quite taken off before. It’s also not content to simply feature strong female warriors. Indeed, James Cameron found a way to go one step further than Marvel and the lot.
“Everybody’s always talking about female empowerment,” Cameron said in a new chat with fellow filmmaker (and Alita: Battle Angel cohort) Robert Rodriguez for Variety’s “Directors on Directors” series. “But what is such a big part of a woman’s life that we, as men, don’t experience? And I thought, ‘Well, if you’re really going to go all the way down the rabbit hole of female empowerment, let’s have a female warrior who’s six months pregnant in battle.’”
He went on:
“It doesn’t happen in our society — probably hasn’t happened for hundreds of years. But I guarantee you, back in the day, women had to fight for survival and protect their children, and it didn’t matter if they were pregnant. And pregnant women are more capable of being a lot more athletic than we, as a culture, acknowledge. I thought, ‘Let’s take the real boundaries off.’ To me, it was the last bastion that you don’t see. Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel — all these other amazing women come up, but they’re not moms and they’re not pregnant while they’re fighting evil.”
Sure enough, for The Way of Water, Kate Winslet didn’t just break records for holding her breath longer than Tom Cruise. She also played a Na’vi warrior with a noticeable baby bump during the battle scenes. Marvel — and the DCEU, when it finally figures out what’s up there — have to step up their game.
The most recent example of that came on Wednesday, when an account that tracks Musk’s jet was suddenly suspended, followed by the teen that runs the account, and eventually all of the flight tracking accounts on Twitter. Musk, who once offered $5,000 to the owner of @ElonJet to turn the account off, had Twitter update the rules to disallow sharing live location data.
Update, Twitter has changed their policy on open source flight tracking-https://t.co/gHZIiCWnx4
“Under this policy, you can’t share the following types of private information, without the permission of the person who it belongs to:” pic.twitter.com/JPGdd3ZgUl
While the main goal was clearly to get rid of the accounts that track his jet and other famous people live — which all use publicly available flight data — there could be some consequences that go well beyond the intended goal because the rule was written so vaguely. (Note: @ElonJet returned on Wednesday night, promising to follow the new terms of service but others remained suspended)
For a long time, college football fans have looked to flight tracking data to find out what coaches might be coming to town when a program has a vacancy, as finding a private jet going to a small college town is usually a pretty good indicator something is up. Golf writers and fans will regularly monitor Tiger Woods’ jet to see if he might be planning on playing in an upcoming tournament by flying to get a secret practice round in. Even beyond flight tracking, breaking news reporters across the sports landscape will report on players, agents, and front office personnel having meetings in various locations, all of which could be violations of Twitter’s newest regulation, should they want to enforce it.
While Twitter doesn’t seem likely to want to suspend every account that does this and the company was obviously targeting these flight tracking accounts, it opens up a lot of gray area that folks will have to be at least a little concerned about when trying to report on meetings and talks taking place.
I will say it would be an all-timer on Twitter if one of the big newsbreakers like Shams or Woj ended up suspended for firing off a tweet about a player being en route to a meeting in the Hamptons or something.
Gunna and Young Thug were among 28 YSL members arrested in May and charged in a 56-count grand jury indictment that included “conspiring to violate the Racketeer Influenced And Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act, murder, armed robbery, and participation in criminal street gang activity,” as reported first by WSB-TV’s Michael Seiden. Gunna remained optimistic — sharing an open letter from Fulton County Jail in June that partially stated his innocence and intention to “never stop fighting to clear my name” — despite being denied bond three times.
Today, December 14, Gunna was finally freed. WSB-TV reported that Gunna “entered a negotiated plea, known as an Alford plea, in which a defendant doesn’t admit he committed the crime but acknowledges that it is in his best interest to plead guilty.” Gunna pled guilty to one charge of conspiracy to violate the RICO Act, and his subsequent five-year sentence, with one year being commuted to time served and the remaining four-year sentence “suspended and will be subject to special conditions, including 500 hours of community service,” per WSB-TV.
This evening, videos began circulating of Gunna leaving Fulton County Jail in Atlanta. The multiplatinum-certified rapper was all smiles, embracing a woman and walking hand-in-hand with her to his car.
TAKE A LOOK: Rapper Gunna is officially out of jail. This is video of his first moments walking out of Fulton County Jail after he pleaded guilty to racketeering conspiracy charge in what’s called an Alford Plea @FOX5Atlanta pic.twitter.com/k8RXO8OijA
“When I became affiliated with YSL in 2016, I did not consider it a ‘gang’; more like a group of people from metro Atlanta who had common interests and artistic aspirations. My focus of YSL was entertainment — rap artists who wrote and performed music that exaggerated and ‘glorified’ urban life in the Black community,” it reads, in part.
Gunna emphasized he chose to enter an Alford plea to “end my personal ordeal by publicly acknowledging my association with YSL” and his plan to “look at this as an opportunity to give back to my community and educate young men and women that ‘gangs’ and violence can only lead to destruction.” The two-time Grammy nominee additionally clarified that he has “absolutely NO intention of being involved in the trial process in any way.”
re testifying, Sadow says, “If called by any party in this case, he will testify truthfully, but he reserves his right to assert his 5th amendment privilege against self-incrimination.” pic.twitter.com/0WMJo9vTaC
seven months later, during what was shaping up to be the biggest year of his career by far
as part of the plea, Gunna will do 500 hours of community service, including 350 hours with “young men and women about the hazards and immorality of gangs and gang violence” https://t.co/wjnDdS6eoc
Let the superhero dissection era continue! Hulu‘s Extraordinary looks like an absolute blast, stuffed to the gills with tropes and the existential crisis of everyone being super duper.
Except you.
Here’s the official synopsis:
“Extraordinary is set in a world where everyone develops a power on their 18th birthday… everyone, that is, except for Jen (Máiréad Tyers). She’s turning 25 and is still waiting to get hers. She’s not even fussy about what that could be: super speed? Laser eyes? The ability to plug in a USB the right way every single time? She’ll take it. Like a caterpillar surrounded by butterflies, Jen feels unable to move forward, stuck in a dead-end job in a party shop and occasionally hooking up with Luke (Ned Porteous), a flaky young man with the irritatingly cool ability to fly. Luckily, Jen has Carrie (Sofia Oxenham) to stop her from wallowing in her own self-pity. Inseparable since school, their relationship cycles between sister, parent, and wingman. Together they share an East London flat with Carrie’s long-term boyfriend, Kash (Bilal Hasna). Carrie has the power to channel the dead but feels she’s been overshadowed by her own party trick: doesn’t anyone care about what she has to say? Kash takes his power – the ability to turn back time – very seriously, but he’s not above using it to undo minor embarrassments, or moments when he says exactly the wrong thing to long-suffering Carrie. The fourth member of the flat is a stray cat, named Jizzlord (Luke Rollason) by the gang, who’s harboring a surprising secret: turns out even cats have more power than Jen. Adrift in a big, confusing world and armed with nothing but a bit of hope and a lot of desperation, Jen begins her journey to find her maybe-superpower. But in doing so, she might discover the joy of being just kind of ok.”
In other words, what it Encantoinvolved every single person on the planet, and it took place in Ireland? The series from comedy writer Emma Moran premieres on Hulu January 25th.
All I ever wanted was the ultimate SicilianSpring Break: to eat at the overloaded buffet, to crush my Vespa driver, to sip the finest wine while watching Mt. Etna erupt, to have an affair with a rich lady in a cove, and to drown after falling off a boat… In short, to be like the cast of the White Lotus. As soon as the season finale concluded, I shattered my piggy bank, booked a flight to Sicily, and went online to find a room at the iconic Four Seasons San Domenico Palace (the hotel where filming took place).
Sadly, I soon realized that I wasn’t the only one with that dream. My heart was broken — the entire hotel was booked for the Spring of 2023.
Luckily, I still had my flight and a mind full of questions: 1) How could Valentina find an empty room for affairs so easily, why didn’t she just hook up in the chapel like a normal person? 2) Is the San Domenico the only luxury option in Taormina? And 3) can I still live out my White Lotus Spring Break fantasy this year?
The answer is “Yes, I can. And so can you.” Here are some options.
I — The Grand Hotel Timeo
The Grand Hotel Timeo
When choosing the grandest hotel in Taormina, most are going to pick San Domenico Palace, hence the predicament, but Taormina has some other five-star gems. First up is The Grand Hotel Timeo.
The first hotel ever built in Taormina; this place has a ton of history. Christ, right next to the property is The Teatro Antico — an ancient amphitheater older than that qualifier. The hotel shows off a “Feng Shui” of lush magnolia gardens and mythic stone architecture, really honing in the vibe of the White Lotus title sequence.
The Grand Hotel Timeo
Accommodations:
Room prices are similar to the luxury San Domenico Palace. A standard villa will cost around 800$ a night while a deluxe sea view suite will cost around $2,000 a night and more, adjoining door latches included.
The Grand Hotel Timeo
Dining:
Just like the San Domenico Palace, The Grand Hotel Timeo boasts a Michelin restaurant in Otto Geleng. Each evening only sixteen guests get to enjoy Executive Chef Roberto Toro’s unique take on Mediterranean cuisine while overlooking an exquisite view of Mt. Etna from high in the hills.
Otto Geleng
Pool:
The Grand Hotel Timeo offers a heated panoramic swimming pool serving drinks, cocktails, and snacks. Not only does it offer an ocean view, but this pool is also surrounded by enchanting foliage that mirrors the palazzo in Noto that Harper and Daphne adventured to in episode three.
The Grand Hotel Timeo
II — Villa Sant’ Andrea
Villa Sant
For a more coastal experience to match the cabana scenes and mid-ocean spars, there’s a spectacular option in Villa Sant’ Andrea. Nestled in the secluded Mazzaró Bay, this hotel was once a posh English family’s secret hideaway (did they sell it after a plot to murder a rich lady backfired? It’s possible!), and the attitude has remained the same. The hotel has hosted Winston Churchill, Francis Ford Coppola, and Burt Lancaster.
Accommodation:
Here there is much variety as a standard sea view room will cost around $600 with breakfast. Yes, it’s a luxury buffet! On the higher end, an elegant tiled and marble columned suite with a private pool will go for about $5-6,000.
Villa Sant
Dining:
The gentle azure Ionian Sea lies right below Ristorante San Andrea, a highly sought-after restaurant with a menu boasting Mediterranean-inspired selections like beef tomato carpaccio, purple eggplant parmigiana, bronze-drawn spaghetti with Ganzirri clams, and bronte pistachio-crusted rack of lamb.
Ristorante Sant
Pool:
While a pool is on the cards, the real selling point is to enjoy their private beach in a cabana that includes a comfortable sofa, minibar, tented veranda, and two sun loungers (Rocco! The beach club!). After basking in the sun, there’s a wellness center to exfoliate, soothe, and breathe in aromatic Sicilian herbs while the rest of the guests bicker, ruminate, and plot.
Villa Sant
III — Hotel Villa Belvedere
Villa Belvedere
One last option is a boutique hotel. While only four stars, Villa Belvedere has garnered praise and near perfect reviews from virtually every guest, some even claiming that four stars don’t do the place justice.
Built in 1902, with exquisite rooms, an incredible ocean view, amazing Sicilian hospitality, and within walking distance to Taormina’s cultural center, this could be the dark horse in achieving the White Lotus fantasy without having to break the bank.
Accommodation:
Here’s where this hotel stands out. For $300-500 a night, one can find equivalent comfort offered by the previous hotels in a charming room with a balcony and ocean view. All for a more modest price. However, their flagship experience, the private Villa Maddalena is a step up. It blends luxury and Sicilian tradition harmoniously in a two-story “cozy spa lounge” with terrace access, unique decorations, and an archway of Sicilian brick.
And those ominous sculptures! That’s what a White Lotus Fantasy is all about.
Villa BelvedereVilla Belvedere
Dining:
On a panoramic terrace, this is a wonderful place to enjoy sparkling wine, fresh pastries, and a rich buffet of traditional dishes a la carte. Another buffet! In the evening the bartenders go crazy concocting cocktails of Sicilian liquors, local red oranges, Etna Gin, and juniper.
While not boasting a Michelin star, this is the perfect incentive to get out on the town and see what Taormina has to offer for dining — something the White Lotus guests were heavily critiqued for not doing.
Villa Belvedere
More:
A beautiful pool overlooks the sea from high up, with the bar and restaurant handily a step away, but the villa should serve as a headquarters for outings into the town, rather than a place to spend most of the day.
The Final Verdict:
There are plenty of options to make The White Lotus fantasy a reality. Personally, the Villa Sant’ Andrea seems the most fun to really replicate the shenanigans of the show. And of course, you can always wait for the Four Seasons San Domenico Palace to open up a little. It really depends on your price range and whether your budget leaves you the flexibility to drop $50K getting scammed by a very stylish escort.
For his fourth Netflix film, Tyler Perry is looking to inject a fresh angle into the massive pantheon of WWII dramas. Instead of watching the same aces shoot at each other from wildly-painted biplanes or following a ragtag team try to break into Hitler’s bunker, he’ll be focusing on the trailblazers of the 6888th Battalion. It was the first all-Black, all-female battalion, comprised of 855 women whose duty was to get through a gargantuan backlog of vital mail that hadn’t made it to troops. That includes letters and cards and all the things that helped keep the fighting men sane during the fight.
Six Triple Eight will shine a spotlight on these women, who served in Britain and France to get millions and millions of packages and letters to their rightful recipients throughout Europe. They were guided by a self-styled motto: “No mail, low morale.”
Perry will write and direct the project, adapting a WWII History Magazine article by Kevin M. Hymel. It sounds a bit like Monuments Men meets Hidden Figures, with a dash of Imitation Game. Wartime prestige and a big logistical lift with plenty of room for different characters to shine.
The film comes on the heels of President Joe Biden awarding the women of the 6888th the Congressional Gold Medal, which means we could see the film hit Netflix around the same time specially minted coins of these women hit circulation. It’s always serious synergy to have the United States Mint help with your movie’s advertising campaign.
I’ve seen this viral image, supposedly of a local paper in Wisconsin’s ranch dressing rankings, posted on a few meme sites. It seems to go around every so often. While most people probably see this and think, “Ha, someone ranking ranch dressings, that’s hilarious,” we here at Uproxx Life see the same thing and think, “You know, that’s actually a pretty good idea for a post.”
Come on, tell me you aren’t a little curious. You can laugh at the idea and still be genuinely interested in the results. I was. (For the proper attribution record, I can’t find the original tweet the Instagram post seems to be screen-capping, but the article in question does exist, on page B3 of the June 26th, 2019 issue of the Wisconsin State Journal).
Ranch seems to live in that perfect middle ground, between kitsch and earnestness. On the one hand, my generation was largely raised to believe that ordering ranch with your salad was somehow trashy (I want to say there was even a famous comedian who had a bit about this, maybe Jeff Foxworthy? Not sure, I can’t find it). On the other, we still seem put it on everything from veggie platters to pizza. I tend to think “American food culture” is pretty gross in most ways, from the gross processed cheese bearing our name to our artificially orange-colored cheddar to monoculture in general. And yet even I like ranch dressing. How weird even is it, really?
Most cultures have their own versions of ranch dressing. How much different is ranch than raita? Than tzatziki? Than toum? White, garlicky sauces are pretty common.
Anyway, it makes a certain amount of sense that we’d be crazy for ranch dressing, given that ranch dressing came of age right alongside us Gen Y-ers*, older millennials, and Gen X-ers. The ranch dressing origin story most often told is that Steve Henson came up with the dressing in the 1950s, when he bought the Hidden Valley Ranch in California’s San Marcos Pass near Santa Barbara. The Henson family started selling the spice packets for make-at-home ranch dressing in the 60s and sold to Clorox in the 70s. A competing claim comes from Todds Foods in Arizona, who say David Bears invented ranch in 1980 “expressly for the Bobby McGee’s restaurant chain, to be used as a dipping sauce for their… deep-friend zucchini.”
Finally, Robb Walsh writes inTexas Eats: The New Lone Star Heritage Cookbook that “Although Hidden Valley Ranch dressing was shortened to ranch dressing in popular parlance, the same stuff was one called buttermilk dressing and has long been a western favorite, perhaps with its origin in cowboy cooking.”
Whatever the case, ranch has been the most popular dressing in America since 1992. It became a Doritos flavor in about 1986. By 1999, the San Francisco Examiner was asking “Whoever thought ranch salad dressing would become a staple of the American diet?” They noted that ranch accounted for 30% of all salad dressing sold. In 2006, the Hidden Valley Original Ranch Salad Dressing And Seasoning Mix recipe was locked into the archive of the National Inventors Hall of Fame, in Alexandria, Virginia.
Whatever the case, I would argue that ranch dressing is one of the few truly great, specifically-American food innovations to come out of the USA — right up there with the Tater Tot and the Buffalo Wing (it’s pretty hard to argue that hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, nachos, and apple pie didn’t at least have roots in other countries).
Now that we’re all feeling sufficiently historically grounded, for the purposes of this ranking, I gathered every variety of “ranch dressing” I could find from my local supermarkets, Whole Foods, and Traders Joe’s. While my wife swears that the original, mix-it-yourself variety of Hidden Valley Ranch is the clear winner, I’ll be honest, I’ve never mixed ranch myself in my life, and I do cooking experiments for a living. Short of a very special occasion that somehow involves ranch dressing, I ain’t doin’ that shit. Not enough upside.
So I left the dry mix out, and instead I grabbed every shelf-stable bottle and the handful of additional dressings I could find in the refrigerated section. Could I have found more? Probably. Could I have tasted more than 24 of these bad boys in a single sitting? Less likely. Originally I’d planned to sample them all on a carrot stick, or neutral-ish vessel, but, as tends to be the case with these, throwing other textures, flavors, and smells in there mostly just confuses the issue.
I tasted these plain, right on a spoon. It wasn’t that gross. I swear.
Vince Mancini
The Lineup:
Organicville Non-Dairy Ranch
Wishbone Ranch
Chosen Foods Ranch
Ken’s Steakhouse Ranch
Bob’s Famous Ranch Country
Bolthouse Farms Classic Ranch Yogurt Dressing And Dip
365 Organic Ranch Dressing
Noble Made By The New Primal Classic Ranch Dressing
Plant Perfect Ranch Vegan Dressing
Kraft Classic Ranch
Drew’s Organic Creamy Ranch
Trader Joe’s Organic Ranch
Newman’s Own Ranch
Drew’s Organics Vegan Ranch
Hidden Valley Plant-Powered Ranch
Walden Farms Ranch
365 Organic Light Ranch
Olive Garden Parmesan Ranch
Litehouse Homestyle Ranch
Hidden Valley Ranch
Tessamae’s Pantry Classic Ranch
Marie’s Creamy Ranch
Full Circle Market Organic Ranch
Yo Mama’s American Ranch
24. Noble Made By The New Primal Classic Ranch Dressing (Sample 8)
This one looks truly revolting. The color is off-white and it has an oily/pasty texture that looks like tahini before you stir it. It doesn’t pool, it’s all piled up like a thick past. I honestly don’t want anything to do with this one, I’m tasting it strictly for science and posterity.
Digging the spoon it, the texture is somehow gelatinous on top of being thick. On the nose, I get a mishmash of muddled herbs that I can’t identify. Dill, probably? Sure, yeah, I get dill and white pepper.
On the palate… Jesus Christ, this tastes as bad as it looks. It tastes like chalky, non-dairy cheese spiked with vinegar and fake eggs. Awful.
Rating: 0/10
Bottom Line:
All of those names in the title should’ve been a giveaway (I felt like throwing a [sic] at the end just so you knew it wasn’t a run-on sentence). It’s Noble, but it’s made by the new Primal, whatever that is. And though it’s new and primal it’s also “classic.” PICK A LANE, DRESSING.
I don’t even really understand what the angle is here. It’s dairy-free but not vegan (has egg whites), and says it’s Whole 30 Approved, Keto Certified, and Gluten Free. I guess it’s for paleo and/or keto people. The copy on the bottle reads like a master class in obnoxious marketing:
For too long we bought into the partisan nature of condimenting. We figured any notion to unite the Ranch and the Ranch-Nots was pure hubris. But then we wondered: could a better version validate the users and liberate the abstainers? Surely a healthy ranch with a slow pour and spot-on tang could bring everyone to the wing platter or crudité board. And smacking mouths can’t bicker.
Jesus, why are paleo-diet people so fucking annoying? I tasted this completely blind but now that I’m seeing the bottle I’m glad it sucks. And if you think I’m biased, look up at that sample board. Second row, second from left — tell me that doesn’t look revolting.
This one is Thicc with a capital T, it kind of stands up in a pile more than it pools. It’s white with lots of pepper and herbs. Digging the spoon in, it seems to have a yogurt quality to it. It smells sort of like vegetable oil and a little vinegar. On the palate… wow, I don’t like that at all. It’s somehow thick and doesn’t coat, and it tastes… I don’t know, like a lot of weird fake foods. Yuck.
Rating: 1/10
Bottom Line:
I generally assumed a lot of the weird, “artificial” flavors in some of these came from the oils they used, but looking at the ingredients list on this one, I think it was the combination of thickeners they used to avoid oil, plus all the fake sugar stuff. Mmm, corn fiber and erythritol. It’s also dairy-free.
This one is thick, gloopy, and chunky, and also it’s orange-ish in color. It looks more like Thousand Island than ranch. When I scoop it it looks all aerated and custardy, somehow thick but not dense or solid. On the nose, this one just smells fake, like hydrogenated oils. On the palate… woof, that’s terrible. It’s all weird, stabilized oil taste and very little of anything else.
Rating: 1/10
Bottom Line:
According to the label, I was wrong about anything artificial or hydrogenated. The ingredients are all normal foods, but it also lacks sugar, gluten, and dairy, which is a pretty big hill to climb for a ranch dressing.
This is definitely more towards the off-white, non-dairy end of the spectrum, not super appetizing. The nose is almost nonexistent other than a slight vinegar. On the palate, this one is all sugar with no body. Plus it’s vaguely pasty like I can really taste the fake thickeners and stabilizers.
Rating: 2/10
Bottom Line:
This is just regular-ass ranch dressing with sugar, dairy, and eggs, I have no idea why it tastes so bad. I somehow have it rated even worse than the light version of the same dressing.
This one is white with peppery-looking flakes and has a fair amount of body. Not loose at all but spreads out on the board and is smooth on the surface. I don’t get much from the nose other than a hint of white vinegar. On the palate, it’s all sweet and non-dairy, and tastes more like stabilizers than food.
Very “partially hydrogenated” tasting.
Rating: 2.5/10
Bottom Line:
Paul Newman, say it ain’t so! I would’ve assumed the beloved actor would make a great ranch dressing to fund all those non-profits, but the truth is, this one tasted like a sugar bomb. According to the label, it doesn’t have twice as much sugar as Hidden Valley. Some people like that sweet taste (much as with jarred marinara) but to me, it just tasted off.
It gave me the sense that it was trying to mask something weird (as sugar often does) even though this claims only natural and non-weird ingredients (depending how you feel about xantham gum).
This is much more white in color, more what I imagine ranch to look like. It’s white with some darker particles. It’s on the thicker side, more like bottle ranch than restaurant ranch. It looks inviting though. On the nose, I get what I believe is buttermilk. In fact, it smells maybe *too* milky. On the palate, it’s the same, the balance is way off towards the creamy dairy side (if it’s even real dairy) with not enough spice/acid. There’s a little spice towards the back of the throat at the very end, but not enough.
Rating: 3
Bottom Line:
Wishbone is sort of an OG in the ranch game (I’m mentally wedgying myself for typing that sentence) so you’d expect them to fare a little better, but alas. This was all cream with no bite. Half the reviews on the website seem to be angry about the “new formula” and “creamier taste” and they hate it, for whatever that’s worth. I can’t remember the last time I had Wishbone ranch dressing so I was coming to this with no preconceived notions.
This is off-white to almost white with lots of herb/pepper flecks. On the nose, it’s a bracing vinegar and not much else. On the palate it’s very sweet and not very creamy. It doesn’t really coat at all, but it also doesn’t have that vinaigrette tang. It’s kind of one-note sweet with some vague onion flavor.
Rating: 3/10
It’s hard to expect a vegan ranch to taste like a dairy-based one and this one doesn’t. It also wasn’t my favorite of the vegan offerings.
This one is much more off-white, maybe greenish. The texture is tighter. On the nose I get vinegar and green herbs. I really don’t like the mouthfeel, this feels like non-dairy creamer ranch. It’s not a sugar bomb like some of the other non-creamy options, definitely more herbs and vinegar on this one.
Bottom Line:
This one has some wild ingredients, like agave syrup, white miso, and rice koji, not to mention celery seed and rosemary extract. Wasn’t enough to make it not taste like fake cream but I respect the effort. Butt pats all around for the chefs at Drew’s Organic.
This is slightly off-white and fairly loose. There’s vinegar/onion/herbs on the nose, but feels lacking on the cream side. On the palate, it’s really thin and really sweet. Not enough body, and too sweet.
Rating: 4/10
Bottom Line:
Don’t ask me how I rate this more highly than its non-light cousin, but the rub is that I wouldn’t buy either. The real heads call the other one “ranch heavy.”
15. Trader Joe’s Organic Ranch (Sample 12)
Vince Mancini
Price: $11.01 on Amazon. (This product has disappeared from the Trader Joe’s website, so I may have gotten it just before a pause in distribution)
My Notes:
This looks more toward the loose end of the spectrum (like your mo– no, I told myself no crude mom jokes in this post). On the nose, it’s… barely there. Weirdly non-aromatic. On the palate, it’s all sugar, like a French vinaigrette with just a hint of something creamy. Not terrible but doesn’t strike me as “ranch.”
Bottom Line:
They definitely attempted something different with this one, more towards a vinaigrette than a ranch. Nothing wrong with that (I actually like the much-more vinegary Australian mayo for that reason) but this just didn’t hit any flavor points for me. It felt like a weird in-betweener, and maybe that’s why it’s not on the website anymore.
Looks more off-white than white, like maybe it’s non-dairy. I can see some herbs in there, the texture is not too gloopy. Actually this watery-ish texture is kind of ideal to me. On the nose, mostly it smells like acid and herbs, like a vinaigrette, maybe some cucumber in there. On the palate, it has a nice zingy vinaigrette flavor to it, but I’m not really getting what makes this “ranch.” It just tastes like a vinaigrette. Not too off-putting, but lacking in that creamy/zestiness.
Rating: 5/10
Bottom Line:
File this one under “tastes fine, just not really ranch.” I’m sick of these “plant-based” ranch dressings. Give me a “based-plant” ranch. Blackpill all the veggies and then put them in the bottle. I want my eyes to glow when I drink it.
This one is a very uniform white and on the lower end of the herb particle spectrum. The texture seems right, not too loose, but not too gloopy. On the nose, it leans creamy/eggy, maybe not vinegary enough. On the palate, it’s the same. Too creamy/eggy with not enough vinegar or onion flavor to cut all the dairy.
It tastes “fake” in some ineffable way.
Rating: 5/10
Bottom Line:
A lot of people supposedly love Kraft products. I couldn’t tell you any of them that I enjoy regularly, but one probably exists. The product page on Walmart raves that this “goes great on salads!” which is a bold claim to make about a salad dressing.
This one is looser, probably the right amount of loose. It’s off-white in color with larger herb flecks. The nose is… eggy? Is that what that is? On the palate, this one is sharp and vinegary, but maybe lacking in body. I don’t get “ranch” with this one, it tastes more like a vinaigrette. It’s fine.
Rating: 5/10
Bottom Line:
I guess the angle with this one is that it has avocado oil. I don’t really understand the “seed oil” panic, but avocado oil seems perfectly cromulent to me (I cook with it). It also seems to be dairy free, though the packaging doesn’t announce that anywhere. Maybe the selling point is modesty! I dunno, it was fine, but you kind of need some dairy to taste the way a “ranch dressing” does. This is kind of a different thing, and that’s fine.
This one is white and very uniform, it sits in a nice smooth pool. On the nose, I get mostly… buttermilk? This one is very rich and creamy on the palate, and the mouthfeel is nice but it could probably use some more vinegar/veg notes to it.
Rating: 6/10
Bottom Line:
This non-dairy offshoot of the OG ranch, made with “soybean protein isolate” clearly did a good enough job tricking me into believing it had dairy. Just not a good enough job to get it inside the top 10. Still, my top-rated vegan option.
This one is very white with some herb flecks, and one of the gloopier ones. Rating it just on looks, the color is nice but probably a little too thick. It looks a little like French onion dip. On the nose, I get a nice mild oniony-ness, and the cream and vinegar seem balanced. On the palate, it’s oddly a little thin for how gloopy it is and tastes overly milky. It kind of tastes like yogurt. The spice/zest balance is a little muted. It tastes like cream and dry spices with not enough acid.
Rating: 6/10
Bottom Line:
Pinkies up, everyone, this ranch comes from the refrigerator section. Ooh la la!
I haven’t been to a Bob’s Big Boy since the 80s but the large son lives on in this sour cream-based ranch dressing. I did wonder going into this how much better the refrigerated ranches would do against the shelf-stable ones. The answer seems to be… slightly better, but not much?
This one was fine, just a touch muted on the spice/vinegar end for my tastes. It’d go great as a chip dipper.
This is very white and uniform and has a nice amount of body without being gloopy. I get cream and vinegar on the nose. This one tastes the most like ranch so far. There’s a nice body to it that coats, but isn’t cloyingly creamy, and there’s a vinegar and herb bite to it that doesn’t taste like a vinaigrette. There’s a weird aftertaste though, like something artificial.
Rating: 6.2
Bottom Line:
This one had me at first, but the more I ate of it the weirder it tasted. It tastes good until the very end when a weird aftertaste comes on.
This is another looser, white one, like restaurant ranch or Carl’s Jr. buttermilk dip. On the nose I get a nice mix of vinegar/onion. On the palate, the vinegar twang is nice, but it’s a little thin and a lot sugary. I don’t mind the loose texture so much as the sugary taste. Don’t love it, don’t hate it.
Rating: 6.5/10
Bottom Line:
Nothing especially weird or offputting about this one, but it’s definitely for people who like sweeter dressings.
This one is white and towards the looser end of the spectrum, with medium flakeage. The nose has a nice vinegar/pepper kick to it. On the palate, this one is kind of a dill bomb. It’s off-putting at first but when I go back to it I start to get used to it more and even enjoy it. I like the cream/vinegar balance and it coats about right but there’s a lot of dill.
Rating: 6.15/10
Bottom Line:
The website’s description of this one says “we took the Ranch you love, and added more garlic, dill, and buttermilk,” and that sounds about right. This one was definitely an outlier, which may have cost it some points, but the more I tried the more I enjoyed that extra dill flavor (shut up, dude).
Not the whitest white, and a little looser. The texture looks about right. This smells… is that cucumber? There’s a vegetal quality to the nose that feels a little off. On the tongue, it’s a little thin, not creamy enough, and doesn’t quite coat, but the spice balance and vinegar feel about right. This seems right but a little watered down.
Rating: 7/10
Bottom Line:
This one calls itself “creamy” but it’s one of the less creamy options. Curious, that! It’s pretty okay.
This one is all green and herby, with a looser, more vinaigrette consistency. On the nose, I get lots of dill. On the palate, more of the same, lots of dill and a nice vinegar twang. This doesn’t scream “ranch” to me but it’s surprisingly pretty good. It tastes like real herbs.
Rating: 7/10
Bottom Line:
There’s nothing “classic” about this dairy-free ranch, but it is pretty good. Pretty impressive for a non-dairy option to sneak into the top five, honestly.
It doesn’t really read ranch to me, but I would still eat it.
This one is white and probably the second gloopiest, a little thicker than I’d like. The herb specks are large and numerous. On the nose I get dill and I think vinegar. On the palate, more dill, plus a super creamy mouthfeel. I think this is good as a chip dip (like it’d go great on a Ruffle) but a little too thick for what I think of as ranch. It doesn’t have enough of a zest or an aromatic bite, though it doesn’t taste like fake stuff either.
Rating: 7/10
Bottom Line:
This one was another refrigerated option. It wasn’t my favorite ranch or even my favorite refrigerated ranch, but I think this would be my top choice if I was buying a ranch to dip chips into. It’s a little thicccc for a dressing but great with chips.
This one is very white and loose, though it looks more like real cream than the stabilizer/homogenized ones. Not a ton on the nose, but nothing too unnatural in it. I think this is about the ideal texture — nice creamy mouthfeel, but not too gloopy with nothing artificial and little onion/herb bits in there. It’s well-seasoned.
This is pretty good, but flavorwise I think it’s missing a slight bit of tang.
Rating: 7.75/10.
Bottom Line:
This refrigerator-section ranch was my top refrigerator ranch and my wife(*Borat voice*)’s favorite. I noticed the fresh herbs, but it never occurred to me that this was fat-free, or that it has twice the sugar (four grams) of some of the others that tasted like sugar bombs. The actual dairy products probably have something to do with that.
Anyway, pretty good, only the relative lack of bite kept it out of the top slot.
This is whiter and thicker, more like cream thick than yogurt thick. Nose on this is weirdly nonexistent. It also spreads weirdly. On the palate it tastes… pretty close to the way I imagine ranch to taste, actually. The vinegar/creaminess balance is right on, with a slightly vegetal taste to it.
Rating: 8/10
Bottom Line:
Olive Garden?! I didn’t expect a shelf-stable Olive Garden product to be my second-favorite ranch, but it’s also the only option with Parmesan cheese, which is both a classic flavor enhancer and my own go-to. (I put it on my popcorn, by far the best popcorn topping).
This is very homogenous and white-looking, lots of body. Texture is almost blue cheese thick. Nose is heavy on buttermilk. From my notes: “This is pretty good but definitely leans buttermilky. Like this is a good buffalo wing ranch (though I’d always opt for blue cheese).”
It doesn’t have any artificial-tasting flavors in it. Something about it just feels right, I keep going back to it.
Rating: 8.5/10
Bottom Line:
This would’ve been the expected result going in, being both the original ranch and the ranch I had in my fridge as a kid. But you usually don’t get the “expected” result in a blind tasting, and I didn’t think “this is definitely Hidden Valley” upon first taste. I kept going back to my top five to test them against each other, and this one sort of just stood out as having the ideal balance of dairy and spice. It’s hard to put your finger on why, it doesn’t have more fat or sugar than any of the others, and none of the ingredients are outliers. Sense memory, maybe.
—
Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can read more of his reviews here.
*While the accepted definition of “millennial” keeps creeping, it is my firm contention that anyone old enough to have learned to masturbate using analog sources (as opposed to high-speed internet) is too old to be a millennial. This describes people my age, who I call Gen Y. We’re the generation after Gen X and before millennials. Thank you for your time, now if you’ll excuse me I have to do some stretching exercises for my back.
There’s a new generation of young scam artists, and they seem to be as savvy as they are dumb. There’s Sam Bankman-Fried, the schlubby crypto king who was just arrested after allegedly defrauding scores of customers. Now there’s the cadre of social media types who engaged in pump and dump schemes, while bragging about it in places where people could hear them.
As per Vice, the Securities and Exchange Commission has charged eight young influencers after they pumped stocks on places like Discord and Twitter as well as podcasts. They had handles like “@MrZackMorris, who would tweet things like this:
I love my homies on here. The rest of you can keep swinging on my nuts.
According to the SEC complaint, the octet would identify a security they wanted to manipulate, then purchase it at a lower rate. Pretending to be skilled stock traders, they would then promote the stock to their followers, which included some 1.5 million put together on Twitter alone, so as to generate demand, often using false or misleading claims. The stock would thereby inflate in price. Then they would dump it.
To cover up their malfeasance, they would simply delete old tweets and Discord chats. Alas, they left one heck of a paper trail. For one thing, they had a habit of talking to each other about their wrongdoing on Discord voice chats they thought were private. They weren’t. In one such chat, one of them, who called himself the “Deity of Dips,” bragged about “robbing f*cking idiots of their money…”
The gang tried to cover themselves by claiming they were never formally giving their many followers advice. But the SEC isn’t buying that one, citing their propensity for sharing images of their lavish lifestyle, suggesting that their tips could lead to similar riches.
One of them, Perry Matlock, the “CEO” of Atlas Trading, would tweet things like “LET’S ALL GET RICH!” After dumping the stock, he would publicly lament everyone else’s bad break. Here’s how one of his pump and dumps went, according to the SEC complaint:
“Matlock, for example, having promoted FDS Pharma, Inc. (NASDAQ: HUGE) to followers, reported on Atlas on February 3, 2021: ‘HUGE I took the loss on it too. We will find a better one.’ Matlock in fact made approximately $27,734 dumping his HUGE shares the day he made that post.”
In other words, in today’s digital world, whether it be crypto of NFTs or even something as old fashioned as stocks, don’t fall for modern day version of Jordan Belfort, the swindler of The Wolf of Wall Street. Though at least Belfort knew better than to not brag about his wrongdoing on social media.
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