Category: Worldwide

Yellowjackets (Sunday, Showtime 10:00pm) — Following Doomcoming, there’s plenty of fallout in the wilderness. In the present, though, it’s 25-year class-reunion time with the group digging deep with one last attempt to vanquish trauma. However, they’re dealing with both false alibis and damning evidence in the process. This piece of slow-burn splatter art has been captivating the masses with plenty of mystery and just enough supernatural spookiness to make the story work. If you haven’t caught up yet — and the cast, including Juliette Lewis, Christina Ricci, Tawny Cypress and Melanie Lynskey, is phenomenal — there’s still time to really start theorizing before this finale.

The Tragedy of Macbeth (Apple TV+ film) — Joel Coen adapts the Shakespearean work in a way that’s never been bolder. Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand star with all of the murder, ambition, wrath, and madness that one would expect from this story, and expect a stripped-down take on what matters most to communicate this quintessential power-struggle tale.

Here’s some regularly scheduled programming:

Saturday Night Live (Saturday, NBC 10:29pm) — Host Ariana Debose and musical guest Roddy Ricch.

Euphoria (Sunday, HBO 9:00pm) — The sad pancakes are all gone, and Rue and Jules have touched base again. This season will get dark again after Rue’s relapsed and may have descended into the drug trade.

The Righteous Gemstones (Sunday, HBO 10:00pm) — The godawful God Squad’s becoming a bigger problem for Kelvin while Eli’s revealing a difficult reality and the Gemstone siblings are working to uncover their dad’s not-a-great-look past.

Somebody Somewhere (Sunday, HBO 10:35pm) — After a woman loses her older sister to death, she’s fighting with her other sister but finds an unexpected connection with a colleague.

Here are some more streaming picks:

After Life: Season 3 (Netflix series) — Ricky Gervais returns as Tony, the widower who decided to not commit suicide out of impression but, instead, to take his angst out in the world. He fancies this attitude to be a Super Power, all while everyone around him grows concerned. This final season sees Tony still struggling with enormous grief but realizing that he actually enjoys making people feel good. It’s both an end and a beginning to this story, and here’s to the celebration of hope.

Hotel Transylvania: Transformania (Amazon Prime movie) — Selena Gomez returns to her voice role with a chapter that follows Van Helsing’s new invention that turns monsters into humans and vice versa. As a result, there’s utter chaos and a frantic race against time before those transformations turn into undoable afflictions.

Use of Force: The Policing of Black America (Peacock documentary) — Public Enemy’s Chuck D narrates this film that examines how Black men and women all-too-commonly experience police brutality. The truth isn’t pretty, and we’ll see an examination of how victims’ names rise front and center into the headlines and social media.

Sex Appeal (Hulu movie) — A perfectionist and her long-distance boyfriend want to move to the next level, which turns into perfectionist wanting to become a sex expert, and she turns to a good friend to test her skills. In the end, she realizes that head and heart are key to relationships with mechanics not being nearly as important to sex and love than feelings.

1883: Season 1 (Paramount+ series) — This Yellowstone prequel follows up on Taylor Sheridan’s runaway sensation series. This series, however, stars Sam Elliot, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and Billy Bob Thornton. The story goes back to the travels of the O.G. Dutton family moving through the wild west on the way to Montana.

Cheer: Season 2 (Netflix series) — The Emmy-winning drama of the cheerleading world returns with Navarro Cheer looking to defend their champion status against rivals against the backdrop of the Covid-19 pandemic. Essentially, two charismatic coaches (one from Trinity Valley) are pitted against each other, and their teams will do anything it takes to be real contenders.

The Journalist: Season 1 (Netflix series) — This adaptation of the 2019 Japan Academy Awards-winning movie similarly confronts Japanese scandals and political crimes in a controversial-yet-acclaimed way. The story follows a reporter, Anna Matsuda, who’s a “maverick” and keen to expose injustices within society.

And Just Like That… (Sunday, HBO 8:30pm) — Carrie is still reeling from Big’s death and the mess (including that Peloton) that he left behind. Meanwhile, Charlotte is still desperate to impress, and Miranda’s personal life is a total wreck (Che Diaz!). That pee-filled episode was absolutely horrible, and let’s hope that Carrie’s return to heels continues unabated.

Chipotle is finally dropping a brand new plant-based protein option! For a limited time at all Chipotle locations nationwide, you’re now able to load up your tacos, burritos, and bowls with Chipotle’s Plant-Based Chorizo. The new menu item follows a successful test run in Denver and Indianapolis over the summer, so it comes with some promise and that has us pretty hyped. Mostly because their old plant-based option, Sofritas (introduced eight years ago) is easily one of Chipotle’s worst protein options.

I can go on and on about why Sofritas are so bad (in fact, I have) but to spare you some time I’ll give you the short version: They’re too wet. Going into this tasting, I had my fingers crossed that the new chorizo doesn’t suffer the same fate.

Chorizo is no stranger to the plant-based treatment, soyrizo has been around for quite some time and it’s pretty adept at capturing the smokey magic of actual chorizo. Chipotle’s plant-based chorizo differs from soyrizo in that it isn’t made from soy. Instead, it’s made from a blend of chipotle peppers, tomato paste, crushed garlic, smoked paprika, and fresh peas and is certified vegan (unlike KFC’s plant-based chicken) and packed with a filling 16 grams of protein per serving.

That all sounds great on paper. So… what does it taste like? We hit up our nearest Chipotle to find out.

Plant-Based Chorizo

For this tasting, I decided to try the chorizo in three different forms — team Uproxx is nothing if not thorough. To do this, I ordered three tacos, one loaded up with the plant-based chorizo and nothing else, to give a clear idea of the full flavor, and I also loaded one up with beans, rice, cheese, and mild salsa and another with beans, lettuce, cheese, fajitas, mild salsa and corn salsa, to approximate the experience of eating it in a burrito and salad bowl.

If you’re wondering where the sour cream and guacamole are, always order that shit on the side. You’ll have a better Chipotle experience every time.

Plant-Based Chorizo Naked

Before I bit into this mountain of plant-based meat, I gave it a good inhale. The spices check out — “I’m getting a lot of smokiness and spice on the nose with a slight underpinning of plant-based staleness” is what I have written in my notes. It’s a pretty good approximation of the real deal but by being plant-based it really loses that unctuous, savory, mouth-watering quality that actual chorizo has.

When it hit my palate, I was pleasantly surprised with the flavor — it really tastes almost exactly like chorizo. It has a smokey paprika-forward flavor with a hit of spice that feels fiery and spicy without feeling like you just ate a hot pepper. It’s spicey, but anyone can handle this heat level so don’t be scared if you have a lower tolerance.

Where it suffers is the texture. Like many plant-based meats, this chorizo has an almost grainy texture to it. Where actual chorizo is soft and easy to chew through, this is hard, dry, and mealy. The flavor is good, but the actual product stays in your mouth for way too long. It’s off-putting and downright unappetizing. Thankfully no one is going to eat this “meat” naked like I am, once it’s mixed in with other ingredients I think the experience will be much more enjoyable.

Plant-Based Chorizo (As A “Burrito”)

I mixed together pinto beans, rice, chorizo, fajitas, salsa, and cheese to approximate a burrito and it greatly improved my experience. The flavor of the chorizo is really enhanced once it starts mingling with Chipotle’s other ingredients. The slightly spicy pinto beans play particularly well with the smoky notes of the chorizo while the fajitas introduce interesting sweet and peppery notes.

All of my issues with the chorizo are completely gone in this build, I’m not noticing the dry grainy texture whatsoever. If you’re really looking to up the spice, go for Chipotle’s red hot salsa, which should leave your mouth dancing with flavors and plenty warm.

Plant-Based Chorizo (As A “Salad”)

For my salad-inspired build, I went with pinto beans, fajitas, lettuce, corn salsa, mild salsa, and cheese. I like this build flavorwise but to better approximate a salad I chose to eat this one with a fork (making sure to liberally dip in guacamole) and the off-putting texture was a lot more apparent. Still not nearly as bad as eating it naked, but a little too chewy for my liking.

However, the flavors are great. That corn salsa adds sweetness in a way that differs from what the fajitas provide, and altogether it’s a medley of spicey, smokey, and sweet flavors that really play well together.

The Bottom Line

Chipotle’s Plant-Based Chorizo really exceeded my expectations. While the texture is awful to the point of being unappetizing, once that’s buried under layers of fajitas, salsa, cheese, beans, and rice, it’s not noticeable enough to be a problem and is a major step up from the wet mess that is Sofritas. It’s Chipotle’s best plant-based meat option.

Still, I have one word for you Chipotle: calabacitas. Why the hell doesn’t Chipotle — a Mexican-inspired fast-casual joint — have calabacitas, one of the best vegetarian Mexican dishes and an ideal candidate for tacos, burritos, and bowls? For those who don’t know, Calabacitas are a mix of Mexican squash, tomato, onion, and corn, sautéed in oil and butter and slow simmered until a light stew is formed and then tossed with cheese (you don’t have to do this part if you want to keep it vegan).

No, it’s not a protein substitute, it’s not going to give you a comparable amount of protein as Sofritas or Plant-Based Chorizo, but it’s a wholly vegetarian dish and it’s packed with more flavor than both the Sofritas and Plant-Based Chorizo combined. Calabacitas + Chipotle’s fajitas + beans + the salsa of your choice topped with guacamole = the delicious veggie-friendly option Chipotle fans deserve. Get on it Chipotle.

Find your nearest Chipotle here.

Ed Sheeran’s Suffolk estate is already the stuff of legends. The man behind the first song to ever garner 3 billion Spotify streams, (“Shape Of You,” duh) has an estate with over seven buildings including a pub, a gym, a nearly completed chapel, and a wildlife pond. Also a noted environmentalist, he’s even gone on record to say that he’s looking to buy up as much land as possible so he can plant more trees and “rewild the UK.” Now his latest project might just top it all: a crypt.

According to The Guardian, Sheeran filed an application last December to built a crypt below what he dubs the Wynneys Chapel Hall. The application with the East Suffolk Council is still waiting approval, but it would see the construction of a 1.8 meter by 2.7 meter chamber beneath the chapel floor, dubbed a “burial zone.”

The ongoing construction of the chapel above is said to include a spiral-stair tower and stained-glass windows, adding an ornate structure to the $5 million estate that many have commonly referred to as “Sheeranville.” The countryside property seems to be a modern day Graceland and Sheeran indeed lives on site with his wife Cherry and their daughter, Lyra.

There’s already one complaint on the application request from “Miss Anna woods 1 cambridge,” who as of Friday, January 14th, simply “objects” to the construction request. Sheeran has come under fire from neighbors before, who claimed that the wildlife pond was actually a swimming pool. Sheeran refuted this claim on The Hits Breakfast Radio Show back in June saying that “I just think people just need to mind their own business.”

Ed Sheeran is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Netflix had its biggest show (Squid Game) and biggest movie (Red Notice) ever in 2021. And 2022 is off to a good start with Don’t Look Up breaking weekly viewership records (at least according to Netflix).

With great popularity comes a minor-but-insignificant price hikes for subscribers.

Netflix’s basic plan, which allows for streaming on one screen and no HD, has increased from $8.99 to $9.99 per month. The standard plan (two HD streams) went up by $1.50, to $15.49 per month, while the premium plan (four streams, Ultra HD available) will now set you back $19.99 per month, two bucks more than the previous cost.

A notice on Netflix’s customer-support site says the new prices apply to new members and will gradually take effect for all current members. “Current members will receive an email notification 30 days before their price changes, unless they change their plan,” the message says.

This is Netflix’s first price increase since October 2020, and third in three years. “We’re updating our prices so that we can continue to offer a wide variety of quality entertainment options,” a spokesperson for the streaming service said. “As always, we offer a range of plans so members can pick a price that works for their budget.”

If you ask me, Netflix, I think you should leave… your prices where they were.

(Via Variety)

After coming off the bench in 28 of his first 29 games this season, Devin Vassell started three games for the San Antonio Spurs before entering health and safety protocols last week. During that stretch, he averaged 17 points, four rebounds, 2.3 assists, and one steal on 58.7 percent true shooting (.465/.385/1.000 split). On the year, he’s averaging 11.2 points, 3.9 rebounds, 1.4 assists, and 0.9 steals on 55 percent true shooting (.448/.344/.750).

Vassell’s opportunity as a starter was the unfortunate result of Doug McDermott entering health and safety protocols. Despite McDermott’s value to the team, when he regains his footing after his own stint in health and safety protocols, Vassell should remain in that role. Those numbers weren’t some little hot streak. They’re very similar to his per-minute, season-long production, just magnified with expanded usage. It indicates an important step forward for a player who is integral to the Spurs’ long-term vision.

As a rookie, Vassell carved out a rotation spot largely on the basis of defensive acumen that belied his first-year status. There were some scoring flashes, but they escaped him too often, which made anything more than a reserve gig tough to justify as long as a veteran like DeMar DeRozan was piloting a playoff push. Now, DeRozan is a Chicago Bull, meaning San Antonio’s focal point isn’t an established veteran. Vassell is laying the foundation to become the sort of two-way wing everyone seems to salivate over as an improved offensive player who touts those tantalizing defensive chops.

Vassell hasn’t made some sizable leap in his pull-up frequency (approximately 32 percent both years, per NBA.com), but he’s certainly diversified how he generates shots off the bounce this season. Last year, many of his attempts came working off the catch. He’d toss a little fake at a late arriving defender and step into an open jumper. This year, he’s conducting more pick-and-rolls and getting to his spots as a creator. The volume is more complex and less reliant on the services of others, and he’s still taking positive steps forward. An example: After his true shooting percentage was 4.8 points below league average last season (52.4 percent), it’s just 0.7 points below this season (55 percent), despite being tasked with greater ball-handling responsibilities.

The Spurs bestow him side pick-and-roll reps, where he craftily utilizes screens to maneuver into quality looks. His high release point prevents most defenders from flustering him, while Vassell’s economical, varied footwork empowers him to shoot from an array of angles. Among 115 players with at least 90 pull-up attempts this season, Vassell ranks 40th in effective field goal percentage at 47 percent, up from 42.9 percent in 2020-21. That’s certainly not some elite placement, but it’s encouraging for a 21-year-old in his second season adapting to a different means of accumulating pull-up volume.

Unless you’re an elite pull-up shooter, it’s not easy to warrant consistent on-ball touches in a high-level offensive context when you’re asked to do the things the Spurs as of Vasselel. Fortunately, he looks like he’s going to pair the scoring juice with tenable playmaking for others.

While he’ll miss some passing windows or is slow to process openings at times — both of which are things that can come with more reps — he’s exhibited a knack for finding rollers and corner shooters. This isn’t to predict he’s going to evolve into a premier facilitator, but between the scoring and passing outlines, encouraging indicators exist to suggest he’ll lather up the offense and make prudent decisions as a creator in his prime. Scoring will get his foot in the ball-handling door and passing will enhance his utility in that role.

San Antonio isn’t putting Vasell through any sort of trial by fire as an on-ball initiator. The team is being very smart about how it’s balancing on and off-ball reps for the No. 11 pick in the 2020 NBA Draft. And much of what renders him a beneficial presence offensively is Vassell’s malleable off-ball scoring and ability to seamlessly splice in a few self-creation reps amid all that.

With long strides and economical routes around screens that manufacture separation, he’s excellent at flowing into handoffs around pindowns and bounding inside. To avoid precarious situations against rim protectors and still score in the paint, he’s added a floater to his bag this year. When the ball swings his way, he’s prompt in launching from deep or attacking off the dribble — occurrences that composed much of his rookie season scoring. He’s a savvy cutter and will relocate around the perimeter for better looks beyond the arc.

From Murray, to Johnson, to Lonnie Walker, to Tre Jones, the Spurs have a plethora of guys they aim to let control possessions. Vassell’s knack for blending into the background off the ball helps facilitate those efforts and ensures he can play in a variety of lineups without inhibiting anyone, himself included.

The importance of versatility on both ends can assuredly be overstated in analysis. Still, Vassell simplifies lineup construction and appears to be the sort of offensive player who, long-term, functions quite effectively with and without the ball in his hands. He’s already good at the latter and a blueprint of the former has begun.

Offensive development from Vassell this season amplifies the longstanding defensive prowess of his game. It was evident at Florida State and has popped from virtually the outset of his NBA career. The bedrock of his defense resides off the ball, where instincts, physical tools, and awareness coalesce for a borderline elite team defender.

According to Cleaning The Glass, Vassell’s block (1.5 percent, 83rd percentile) and steal rates (1.6 percent, 64th percentile) place him in rosy territories among forwards — think of players like Mikal Bridges, Nicolas Batum, and Kyle Anderson. Despite constant defensive activity, Vassell rarely fouls. Thanks to discipline and stellar body control, he averages just 3.8 fouls per 100 possessions.

He touts rare recovery speed and the capacity to concisely cover ground; pockets of space are an illusion around him. He’s a menace playing the nail and wields quick vertical pop off the ground to provide impactful help-side rim protection. When he’s the primary defender, opposing players shoot 5.5 percent worse than their average within 6 feet of the hoop, per NBA.com, an impressive feat for a perimeter-oriented player.

He’s not confined to one premier skill as an off-ball defender. Most duties are within his wheelhouse. Conversations about his name appearing on All-Defensive Teams are not far away.

Although he struggles to contain jittery creators on the ball and is susceptible to getting hung up on screens, he’s a good on-ball defender as well. He applies his 6’5 frame, 6’10 wingspan, and graceful body control to pester ball-handlers in pick-and-rolls.

A significant size and strength advantage are typically required to best him. Even then, those traits don’t guarantee anything. He’s not going to lock up everyone in isolation, but throw him in a ball-screen and his merits will materialize. The dude’s great in so many different defensive scenarios.

The Spurs exist in an odd position. The roster is fine, existing in a place where neither a playoff berth in the Western Conference nor a top-three pick in the 2022 NBA Draft are likely. They have intriguing young guys whose skill-sets are worth exploring. Yet most of those guys’ skill sets are not so intriguing that an entire plan should be rerouted to accentuate them. Balancing such a dynamic can be tricky.

Whatever direction they gravitate toward, though, Vassell must occupy a prominent spot. His year two performance has been encouraging, both from a short- and long-term perspective. Six-foot-five, 21-year-old wings who can conveniently toggle on and off the ball and offer versatile, high-level defensive impact don’t come around often. Vassell is going to be a fantastic player and San Antonio should do everything possible to maximize what exactly “fantastic” means in the coming seasons.

Of the many noteworthy, viral moments on Gunna‘s new album DS4EVER, one that amused fans was Gunna’s Freddie Gibbs diss, which didn’t quite live up to expectations after he hyped it up the week of the album’s release. Earlier that week, Gunna tweeted, “When my album drop Freddie Gibbs will have the biggest moment of his career.” However, upon hearing “Poochie Gown,” the song containing the diss, fans (and Freddie) were underwhelmed to hear the line in question. “I can’t f*ck with Freddie Gibbs / N****s tellin’ fibs.” Oooh. Burn.

Today, Gunna stopped by The Breakfast Club, where he was grilled about the origins of the line and revealed just how deep his resentment of the Gary, Indiana rapper runs. While fans speculated — and Gunna confirmed — that the line was a response to Gibbs’ 2020 comments suggesting Gunna was a “snitch” after footage of his appearance on a local news clip was mistaken for a scene from Crime Stoppers online, Gibbs revealed that Freddie had reached out to collaborate, even after the misunderstanding.

“Some people just speak on it, like, ‘OH he was on Crime Stoppers’” Gunna complained. “When? I don’t know, I ain’t never sent nobody to jail. I ain’t never talk to a cop on-camera… He tried to do a song with me, through my manager… He thought I forgot.” Unfortunately, his lyrical reply turned out to be a dud, only giving Gibbs new, more legitimate reasons to ridicule him. While that collaboration idea does sound intriguing, it looks like the two rappers now have more in conflict than in common (they’re both technically Warner artists), so don’t hold your breath.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Jamie Lynn Spears is in the midst of promoting her book Things I Should Have Said and so far, most of that process has rubbed Britney Spears the wrong way. Britney explained recently why she was “disgusted” by Jamie Lynn’s Good Morning America interview, and now she has fired back at her sister again, this time in regards to a story from the book.

During a recent ABC News interview with Jamie Lynn, host Juju Chang said that in the memoir (as The Independent notes), Jamie Lynn describes Spears’ behavior over the course of her life as “erratic, paranoid, and spiraling” and details an alleged incident in which Britney was “scared,” so she grabbed a knife and locked herself and Jamie Lynn in a room.

When asked why she decided to share that story, Jamie Lynn said, “First off, I think experiencing my own panic attacks and how sometimes we can feel in those moments is important. It’s important to remember that I was a kid in that moment. I was scared. That was an experience I had, but I also was fearful to like really say anything because I didn’t want to upset anybody but also was so upset that she didn’t feel safe.”

This afternoon, Britney took to Twitter to offer a written response, that seems angry in tone, in which she refutes her sister’s story. Britney described the tale as “crazy lies for the Hollywood books” and said that she’s confused by it, writing, “Jamie Lynn … congrats babe [applause emoji]! You’ve stooped to a whole new level of LOW … I’ve never been around you ever with a knife or would I ever even think to do such !!! The only knife I ever saw you with at home was cutting the biggest pieces of squash I ever saw in my life and it was way too big for me to cut … So please please stop with these crazy lies for the Hollywood books !!! NOW and only NOW I do know only a scum person would make up such things about someone I’m actually very confused about you making that up because it’s honestly not like you at all!!!! Around the kids ???? Jamie Lynn, seriously ??? Come on !!! Congrats on introducing your older sister the concept of getting LOW … LOWER … LOWEST … because you win on that one, babe [trophy emoji] !!!!”

2022 has been active in terms of news about Britney and Jamie Lynn’s relationship, starting at the very top of the year when Britney unfollowed her sister on Instagram.

Yellowjackets, an intense survival epic and psychological horror story, is the show to watch and theorize about. There are two timelines (and they are less confusing than The Witcher timelines because they’re spaced 25 years apart) with two stellar sets of castmates, and even though the subject matter is often gruesome, you won’t want to look away from the screen.

People are captivated by the mystery what happened to the high-school soccer team and how the teens transformed into savages. There’s a sprinkling of supernatural happenings throughout and plenty of mystery left open in the season finale. And Showtime already announced in mid-December that, yes, there shall be a Season 2.

In fact, actress Jasmin Savoy (who portrays the younger Taissa) let slip to ComicBook that the creators have five seasons mapped out in their minds. Likewise, star Melanie Lynsky (who portrays the older version of Shauna) recently spoke with NPR and let everyone know that this is a long game:

“I think the story of exactly what happened in the woods is a longer story because, you know, it’s, like, a group of teenage girls. They don’t just instantly turn into savages… It takes some time. And I think the way the show is having those things happen is really real and beautiful. Like, you’re getting very invested in every character and in the relationships. And I think when it starts to turn into that, it’s going to be very meaningful.”

When will the Second Season actually come together for airtime, though?

The first season premiered in November 2021, and we can cross our fingers for a yearly cycle. Granted, we must think about the Omicron variant and how that could slow down production. However, consider this: Ella Purnell (who portrays the younger version of Jackie) told CBS Chicago that the first season took six months to shoot in mid-2021, at the height of Delta. By mid-October, shooting finished and the series premiere aired a month later (on November 14). So, there’s hope that strict Covid protocols could keep this joint on schedule for late 2022, maybe early 2023.

Fingers crossed! Also, don’t be like this team and hop on an airplane (which you arguably shouldn’t be doing right now anyway) anytime soon.

In recent days, an attention-grabbing rumor about Drake has been floating around. An Instagram model told the Too Much Hot Tea blog (as Rap-Up notes) that a few weeks ago, she and Drake had consensual sex at a hotel. After engaging in some intimate moments, the model says Drake went to the bathroom to dispose of his condom. At that point, the woman removed the condom from the trash and inserted the opening of it inside of herself, in an attempt to get pregnant. She quickly felt a burning sensation, after which Drake admitted that he poured a packet of hot sauce in the condom with the intent of killing sperm and thus preventing the outcome the model was hoping to achieve.

Now, Drake may have discretely addressed the rumors on Instagram via some low-key captions.

In a post from January 10, Drake shared various photos and wrote, “There’s a point in the ‘fake it til you make it’ theory where you actually gotta make it…” In his most recent post, from January 11, he wrote “You can have your 15 minutes of fame…I’ll take the other 23 hours and 45 mins.”

It’s worth noting that Drake rapped about pretty much this exact situation (minus the hot sauce) on his Brent Faiyaz collaboration “Wasting Time,” on which he says, “Flushed the Magnums just so they not collectin’ my specimens.”

This article originally appeared on 04.07.16

This post was originally published on Wait But Why.

I woke up this morning to a text. It was a link:

“optimistic-people-have-one-thing-common-always-late.”

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Intriguing. Nothing’s better than the headline: “The reason people are [bad quality that describes you] is actually because they’re [good quality].”

I got to reading. And as it turns out, according to the article, late people are actually the best people ever. They’re optimistic and hopeful:

“People who are continuously late are actually just more optimistic. They believe they can fit more tasks into a limited amount of time more than other people and thrive when they’re multitasking. Simply put, they’re fundamentally hopeful.”

They’re big-thinking:

“People who are habitually late don’t sweat over the small stuff, they concentrate on the big picture and see the future as full of infinite possibilities.”

Late people just get it:

“People with a tendency for tardiness like to stop and smell the roses…life was never meant to be planned down to the last detail. Remaining excessively attached to timetables signifies an inability to enjoy the moment.”

By the end of the article, I had never felt prouder to be a chronically late person.

But also, what the hell is going on? Late people are the worst. It’s the quality I like least in myself. And I’m not late because I like to smell the roses or because I can see the big picture or because the future is full of infinite possibilities. I’m late because I’m insane.

So I thought about this for a minute, and I think I figured out what’s going on. The issue is that there are two kinds of lateness:

1. OK lateness. This is when the late person being late does not negatively impact anyone else — like being late to a group hangout or a party. Things can start on time and proceed as normal with or without the late person being there yet.

2. Not-OK lateness. This is when the late person being late does negatively impact others — like being late to a two-person dinner or meeting or anything else that simply can’t start until the late party arrives.

John Haltiwanger’s Elite Daily article is (I hope) talking mostly about OK lateness. In which case, sure, maybe those people are the best, who knows.

But if you read the comment section under Haltiwanger’s article, people are furious with him for portraying lateness in a positive light. And that’s because they’re thinking about the far less excusable not-OK lateness.

All of this has kind of left me with no choice but to take a quick nine-hour break from working on a gargantuan SpaceX post to discuss not-OK late people.

When it comes to people who are chronically not-OK late, I think there are two subgroups:

Group 1: Those who don’t feel bad or wrong about it. These people are assholes.

Group 2: Those who feel terrible and self-loathing about it. These people have problems.

Group 1 is simple. They think they’re a little more special than everyone else, like the zero-remorse narcissist at the top of Haltiwanger’s article. They’re unappealing. Not much else to discuss here.

Punctual people think all not-OK late people are in Group 1 (as the comments on this post will show) — because they’re assuming all late people are sane people.

When a sane person thinks a certain kind of behavior is fine, they do it. When they think it’s wrong, they don’t do it. So to a punctual person — one who shows up on time because they believe showing up late is the wrong thing to do — someone who’s chronically late must be an asshole who thinks being late is OK.

But that’s misunderstanding the entire second group, who, despite being consistently late, usually detest the concept of making other people wait. Let call them CLIPs (Chronically Late Insane Persons).

While both groups of not-OK late people end up regularly frustrating others, a reliable way to identify a Group 2 CLIP is a bizarre compulsion to defeat themselves — some deep inner drive to inexplicably miss the beginning of movies, endure psychotic stress running to catch the train, crush their own reputation at work, etc., etc. As much as they may hurt others, they usually hurt themselves even more.

I come from a long line of CLIPs.

I spent around 15% of my youth standing on some sidewalk alone, angrily kicking rocks, because yet again, all the other kids had gotten picked up and I was still waiting for my mom. When she finally arrived, instead of being able to have a pleasant conversation with her, I’d get into the car seething. She always felt terrible. She has problems.

My sister once missed an early morning flight, so they rescheduled her for the following morning. She managed to miss that one too, so they put her on a flight five hours later. Killing time during the long layover, she got distracted on a long phone call and missed that flight too. She has problems.

I’ve been a CLIP my whole life. I’ve made a bunch of friends mad at me, I’ve embarrassed myself again and again in professional situations, and I’ve run a cumulative marathon through airport terminals.

When I’m late, it’s often the same story, something like this:

I’ll be meeting someone, maybe a professional contact, at, say, a coffee place at 3:00. When I lay out my schedule for the day, I’ll have the perfect plan. I’ll leave early, arrive early, and get there around 2:45. That takes all the stress out of the situation, and that’s ideal because non-stressful commutes are one of my favorite things. It’ll be great — I’ll stroll out, put on a podcast, and head to the subway. Once I’m off the subway, with time to spare, I’ll take a few minutes to peruse storefronts, grab a lemonade from a street vendor, and enjoy New York. It’ll be such a joy to look up at the architecture, listen to the sounds, and feel the swell of people rushing by — oh magnificent city!

All I have to do is be off the subway by 2:45. To do that, I need to be on the subway by 2:25, so I decide to be safe and get to the subway by 2:15. So I have to leave my apartment by 2:07 or earlier, and I’m set. What a plan.

Here’s how it’ll play out (if you’re new to WBW, you’re advised to check this out before proceeding):

CLIPs are strange people. I’m sure each CLIP is insane in their own special way, and to understand how they work, you’ll usually have to get to some dark inner psychology.

For me, it’s some mix of these three odd traits:

1. I’m late because I’m in denial about how time works.

The propensity of CLIPs to underestimate how long things take comes out of some habitual delusional optimism. Usually what happens is, of all the times the CLIP has done a certain activity or commute, what they remember is that one time things went the quickest. And that amount of time is what sticks in their head as how long that thing takes. I don’t think there’s anything that will get me to internalize that packing for a weeklong trip takes 20 minutes. In my head, it’s eternally a five-minute task. You just take out the bag, throw some clothes in it, throw your toiletries in, zip it up, and done. Five minutes. The empirical data that shows that there are actually a lot of little things to think about when you pack and that it takes 20 minutes every time is irrelevant. Packing is clearly a five-minute task. As I type this, that’s what I believe.

2. I’m late because I have a weird aversion to changing circumstances.

Not sure what the deal is with this, but something in me is strangely appalled by the idea of transitioning from what I’m currently doing to doing something else. When I’m at home working, I hate when there’s something on my schedule that I have to stop everything for to go outside and do. It’s not that I hate the activity — once I’m there I’m often pleased to be there — it’s an irrational resistance to the transition. The positive side of this is it usually means I’m highly present when I finally do haul my ass somewhere, and I’m often among the last to leave.

3. Finally, I’m late because I’m mad at myself.

There’s a pretty strong correlation here — the worse I feel about my productivity so far that day, the more likely I am to be late. When I’m pleased with how I’ve lived the day so far, the Rational Decision-Maker has a much easier time taking control of the wheel. I feel like an adult, so it’s easy to act like an adult. But times when the monkey had his way with me all day, when the time rolls around that I need to stop working and head out somewhere, I can’t believe that this is all I’ve gotten done. So my brain throws a little tantrum, refusing to accept the regrettable circumstances, and stages a self-flagellating protest, saying, “NO. This cannot be the situation. Nope. You didn’t do what you were supposed to do, and now you’ll sit here and get more done, even if it makes you late.”

So yeah, that’s why I’m late. Because I have problems.

Don’t excuse the CLIPs in your life — it’s not OK, and they need to fix it. But remember: It’s not about you. They have problems.