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Cheap bourbon should be fun. Before 2020, it was the bourbon we shot at dive bars with a beer back. It was the bourbon we took to raucous parties. It was the bourbon we learned to make cocktails with. We’re talking about bottles that are extremely accessible but still deeply enjoyable — with simple noses and flavors, divorced from any elitism or snobbery.

Generally, speaking, I find myself appreciating bottom shelf bottles of whiskey, even as I taste increasingly expensive drams. That’s why I was all too happy to take my editor’s challenge and blind taste test five affordable, mainstream bourbon expressions. Plus, I wanted to see if I could get them all right.

This is actually a twofold challenge. One, I want to test my mettle as a professional whiskey reviewer/drinker. Two, I’d also like to answer whether there really is that big of a difference in the low-end bourbons and decipher whether their prices fit their flavors. The five bottles I landed on are all around or under $20 mark and widely available nationwide — Jim Beam, Evan Williams, Wild Turkey, Four Roses, and Maker’s Mark.

(I was going to throw in a few more bottles, but five is enough for a single session and I can always do this again with five more cheap bourbons at a later date — I have my kidneys and liver to think of.)

The science here is easy. A friend came over for lunch and poured for me. I tasted the bourbons, then we ate brisket tacos. I had in my mind what each of these bourbons taste like, since I’ve had all of them multiple times over the span of two decades. Still, I was nervous that I was going to get tripped up, especially since Jim Beam and Wild Turkey have the same mash bills and barrel char.

Let’s jump right in and see if I flailed or soared in this little taste test!

PART I — The Blind Test

Number One

The Taste:

This is light and very familiar from the nose onward. There’s a clear sense of berries next to the vanilla. There’s a mild burn from spice as the sip quickly fades.

The Bottom Line:

I just ran an Expression Session with Four Roses and I know this is their entry-point bourbon. I feel both emboldened that I knew this from the first nose and also a bit nervous that maybe my friend led with this on purpose, to give me a false sense of security.

Number Two

The Taste:

Clear notes of grain crackers dominate this nose and sip. There’s a vanilla underbelly with a hint of spice. It’s brown sugar sweet and fades rather quickly, with a slightly astringent edge.

The Bottom Line:

I’m torn between Jim Beam and Evan Williams on this one. I know that cracker graininess. I know that sweetness. I have to go with Jim Beam.

Number Three

The Taste:

This is completely different and I’m back to being confident in my nose and palate. There’s a sense of oak next to mild fruit. Then as the sip fades, you get this sense of dried florals and an almost plummy nature.

The Bottom Line:

This can only be Maker’s Mark. The wheat in the mash bill is easy to spot when you’re tasting this next to corn and rye-forward bourbons.

Number Four

The Taste:

Ah, grainy crackers are back. There’s that sweetness again next to a hint of orchard fruit. Mildly spicy. Bit of vanilla. Easy burn with a bit of metallic edge.

The Bottom Line:

Again, this could either be Evan Williams of Jim Beam. I have to go with Evan Williams.

Number Five

The Taste:

This one is fruity up front, with a dose of spice and a hint of vanilla. There’s a nice, mild touch of apple and pear. This dram fades very easily with a nice warmth and a hint of oak.

The Bottom Line:

This has to be Wild Turkey. I know, it’s the only one left, but this is 100 percent Wild Turkey.

PART II — The Answers

Number One: Four Roses (Correct)

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Four Roses Distillery, Lawrenceburg, KY (Kirin Brewing)
Average Price: $22

The Whiskey:

This whiskey is a blend of all ten of Four Roses mash bills. It serves as a gateway to the brand. It’s also crafted to be a cocktail base. Still, if you want to throw in on a couple of rocks and sip it, no one is going to stop you.

Number Two: Evan Williams (Incorrect)

ABV: 43%
Distillery: Heaven Hill Distillery, Louisville, KY
Average Price: $12

The Whiskey:

Evan Williams is one of the most beloved cheap bourbons out there. The low-rye mash bill helps the corn grains shine. It definitely pisses me off I confused this for Jim Beam.

Number Three: Maker’s Mark (Correct)

ABV: 45%
Distillery: Maker’s Mark Distillery, Loretto, KY (Beam Suntory)
Average Price: $24

The Whisky:

This bourbon stands out, thanks to its wheated-bourbon mash bill. The whiskey swaps out the rye for 16 percent red winter wheat and it’s unmistakable from the first nose.

Number Four: Jim Beam (Incorrect)

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Jim Beam, Clermont, KY (Beam Suntory)
Average Price: $15

The Whiskey:

This whiskey is a classic and a very easy-drinking dram. It’s also kind of shocking how similar it tastes to Evan Willaims when they don’t even have the same mash bill. They are very close though — Evan Williams is a mash bill of 78 percent corn, ten percent rye, and 12 percent malted barley. Jim Beam’s mash bill is 75 percent corn, 13 percent rye, and 12 malted barley.

Still, I got this one wrong. I admit it.

Number Five: Wild Turkey (Correct)

ABV: 40.5%
Distillery: Wild Turkey Distillery, Lawrenceburg, KY (Campari)
Average Price: $16

The Whiskey:

This 81 proof bourbon has a signature taste. The juice is crafted to be a cocktail base but I’d argue it’s perfectly suited for highballs with good, fizzy mineral water.

PART III — Final Thoughts

For around $16 per bottle, you really can’t beat Wild Turkey. That’s especially true if you’re mixing cocktails. Turkey also wins for having the nicest bottle. The cork is a nice touch. Though, I’d argue the Maker’s Mark is the better cocktail base, especially for Manhattans. Four Roses probably would rank next for me. It’s a little more refined than both Evan Williams and Jim Beam, which really registered almost identical for me on this tasting. Still, I always have a bottle of Jim Beam around.

Every now and then, a story hits the internet that is almost too good to be true, as it exists right at the intersection of two things that are in the sports and pop culture zenith. One such example, buried in the midst of a story about the motel from Schitt’s Creek being up for sale, involves the former living situation of one of the hottest names in the NBA right now.

According to this piece by Chris Halliday of Simcoe.com, the Rosebud Motel — famous for being the home of Rose family on everyone’s favorite Canadian sitcom about a group of once-wealthy victims of fraud — is up for sale. Its current owner is Jesse Tipping, who in his spare time runs renowned Canadian prep school Orangeville Prep, and has used it as a residence for those who ply their trade for the school’s basketball program, like former standout Jamal Murray.

Currently serving as the president of the Athlete Institute Basketball Academy and Orangeville Prep, Tipping purchased the motel in 2011 to house recruits for what’s become the most successful prep school basketball program in Canada.

Former Orangeville Prep alum and budding NBA superstar Jamal Murray, of the Denver Nuggets, lived there for two years — so did Miami Heat training camp invitee Kyle Alexander.

This news comes as Murray is in the midst of an absolutely torrid run in the postseason for the Denver Nuggets — which find themselves down 3-1 for the third consecutive playoff series — and after Schitt’s Creek had a record-setting evening at the Primetime Emmy Awards this past week. All of this would be setting up for a Murray cameo on the show in some capacity, but unfortunately, Schitt’s Creek called it a wrap earlier this year following six seasons.

Always looking to lend a hand, Ryan Reynolds has unveiled the latest version of his liquor offerings: Aviation Gin Homeschool Edition. Housed in a massive bottle, Reynolds promises this latest offering from his gin brand can help with a “variety of subjects” during these unusual back to school times. From “fourth grade geography” to “whatever the f*ck new math is,” Aviation Gin has you covered.

The tongue-in-cheek ad is yet another in a series of social media videos that prove how Reynolds is the master at bringing snarky charm and eyeballs to any brand. He recently scored laughs by coaxing Rick Moranis to appear in an awkwardly fun commercial (for Mint Mobile) where Reynolds equated Moranis’ acting hiatus to an… unlimited data plan. (We mentioned it was awkward, right?)

But Reynolds isn’t just lending his comedic wit to brands during this pandemic. The Deadpool star also took part in a public health initiative to encourage his fellow Canadians to wear masks. Not just for their safety, which is obviously important, but for his poor mom who is stuck at home instead of prowling for young lovers, and Reynolds won’t have it. Here’s the message he recorded after being asked by British Columbia Premiere John Horgan to get millennials on board with masks:

“My mom, I mean, she doesn’t want to be cooped in her apartment all day; she wants to be out there cruising Kitsilano Beach, looking for some young 30-something Abercrombie burnout to go full Mrs. Robinson on. She is insatiable. But here’s the thing. I hope that young people in BC don’t kill my mom, frankly, or [environmental scientist] David Suzuki, or each other. Let’s not kill anyone. I think that’s reasonable.”

You can listen to Reynold’s “voicemail” below:

(Via Aviation American Gin)

As you’re no doubt aware, gyms were forced to shut down for the pandemic, and it’s still not a great idea to visit them now. Nonetheless, people are still getting through these times, in part, by working out like demons. They’re doing it with home gyms, which might mean cardio machines squeezed into a home office right next to the desk, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Well, Channing Tatum has clearly devoted a substantial chunk of time this year to his own workouts and to crafting his abs in the kitchen. In a new shirtless Instagram post, he’s thanking fans for being there for him and celebrating how “daddy is finally back boooi!!”

The Magic Mike XXL star cited a long journey, “life sh*t,” injuries, and vaguely-described chaos while unveiling his newly (re-)ripped abs on Instagram next to a Purell bottle.

Tatum is currently working on his directorial debut, Dog, a roadtrip comedy in which he’ll star as a former Army Ranger alongside a beautiful Belgian Malinois, Lulu, as he attempts to arrive at a fellow soldier’s funeral on time. You can see a few production photos at People, although the images don’t show him shirtless. I guess he saved that for Instagram? How kind of him. As of this writing, he’s scored nearly 1.5 million “likes” for his efforts, after which many people probably popped over to YouTube to watch his “Pony” welding dance. Channing Tatum might salvage our sanity in 2020.

Hip-hop is moving as fast as ever. Luckily, we’re doing the work to put the best new rap music in one place for you. This week, there were videos from YG, Armani Caesar, Gunna, Tee Grizzley and Big Sean, Anderson .Paak and Rick Ross, Baby Keem, Spillage Village. There were also songs from Reason, as well as Rexx Life Raj and D Smoke. Here’s the rest of the best new rap music this week.

2KBaby — “Mad”

2KBaby riffs on fake friends and phonies alike on “Mad,” a heartfelt track where he lets us know, “If you didn’t know before all these rollies / then you gotta show me.”

BFB Packman — “Funtime” Feat. Wiz Khalia

BFB Packman released the video for “Funtime” with Wiz Khalifa. The two live up to the song’s title, as Packman dishes off a slew of rhyming one-liners before Wiz rhymes, “Know I started off small but now I’m GOAT status.”

Bia — “Same Hands” Feat. Lil Durk

Epic artist Bia is paranoid on “Same Hands,” a smooth track where she warns “don’t think that I’m soft because I’m gracious” before Durk delves into a passionate crooning appearance. The song is paired with a scenic visual expressing a Bonnie and Clyde-esque dynamic.

Duke Deuce — “Duke Nukem Freestyle”

Duke Deuce is known for his invigorating mic presence, but on his “Duke Nukem Freestyle” he dials it back and raps about the coldness of the Memphis streets.

KXNG Crooked & Joell Ortiz — “Hands Up (Outlaws)”

Kxng Crooked and Joell Ortiz get grimey on “Hands Up (Outlaws),” a thriller crafted for the Welcome To Sudden Death soundtrack. The two take turns narrating a heist in edge-of-your-seat, assonant fashion.

Lupe Fiasco — “BBQ Chicken Thighs Freestyle”

Earlier this week, Lupe Fiasco made some chicken so good he dedicated his latest freestyle to them. The Chicago wordsmith sounds unbothered by the internet’s latest comparison of him and Kendrick, effortlessly dishing off wordplay over a sunny Soundtrakk production.

Matt Muse — “Shotgun” Feat. Femdot

Chicago’s Matt Muse released a video for “Shotgun,” a standout collaboration with Femdot from Muse’s 2019 Love & Nappyness album. The creative video shows both artists hanging around cars in life-size and next to toy cars as miniatures.

Mozzy — Occupational Hazard

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Mozzy beat the Friday rush with Occupational Hazard, a sarcastically-titled album that delves into the deadly toll of stepping into the streets. The 14-track project contains features from fellow storytellers like Wale, YFN Lucci, Trae Tha Truth, Tsu Surf, and Quando Rondo, who shows up on the solemn “Heartbroken.”

Soap.wav — Atlantis

Earlier this month, Cambridge artist Soap.wav released his debut Atlantis album. The nine-track project shows the genre-bending artist reeling off slinky melodies over a suite of smooth, 808-based production.

Smoove’L — “Wait A Minute”

Smoove’L is one of the most melodically-inclined artists in the Brooklyn drill scene. He showed off his skills once again on “Wait A Minute,” a swaggering track where he affirms he’s “on real life vibe, f*ck an IG” over Omar Grand production.

Snot — “Revenge”

Snot is set to release his yet-to-be-titled album on October 30th. He offered up an example of what to expect on “Revenge.” He laces the melancholy guitar-based production with both lamentations and feel-good reflections like, “I just wanna chill wit’ my day ones / outside but it’s rainin’ but I feel the sun.”

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

On Thursday night, the Lakers were able to gut out a 114-108 win against a feisty Nuggets team to take a 3-1 series lead in their Western Conference Finals series, putting them just one game away from the NBA Finals. But it was a contest that wasn’t without its discrepancies, at least in some people’s minds.

On a couple of late drives by Jamal Murray, the Nuggets’ super-talented combo guard weaved his way into the lane, only to find himself on the floor with no whistle to save him. The Lakers had made the key switch to put LeBron on Murray down the stretch, and the result was a key win in a game that could’ve swung the series.

But head coach Mike Malone wasn’t happy about what he saw as lopsided officiating late in Game 4, and speaking to reporters afterward, he got some jabs in at both the referees and the Lakers for their move earlier in the series to submit an official complaint about what they saw as their own lack of free throws.

Malone seemed to be referring to Lakers coach Frank Vogel’s comments after Game 3, when he said they were going through the “proper channels” to try and get LeBron the foul calls he believed he deserved. Through the first three games of the series, LeBron had gone to the line a total of 10 times, after averaging more than six trips to the stripe per contest throughout the postseason. LeBron had a total of 14 free throw attempts in Game 4, converting 11 of them.

By the final buzzer, the Lakers had gone to the line 35 times total to the Nuggets 23, but the overall tally for both teams in the series is an even 113 apiece. It’s unclear whether Malone was simply being facetious to make a point or whether he does indeed plan to submit a complaint, a la the Houston Rockets from a few years back. Either way, it was also a clever move on his part to criticize the officiating while potentially avoiding a fine and getting a joke off at the opposition’s expense.

T.I. is 40 today. It seems like the Atlanta MC had already entered the 40 club with peers like Pusha T, Cam’ron, and Kanye West — a testament to his rap longevity. He released his debut I’m Serious album in October 2001, and has been hopping in the booth and fulfilling that mantra ever since, becoming one of the game’s most respected rappers.

But he’s not as respected as he’d like to be. Earlier this year, during a conversation on Big Boy’s Neighborhood, he surmised “I don’t think y’all really remember what I’ve done.” Some of that forgetfulness can be chalked up to the passage of time — and his propensity to earn the ire of Black women — but he’s right.

He played a major part in the history of trap music and transcended regional confines while still repping Atlanta. There are certain lyricists from below the Mason-Dixon line who you can’t tell are from the South; T.I. isn’t one of them. He helped draw listeners to his home, not the other way around. His presence is a microcosm of the trap sound he’s claimed to invent: the subgenre is worldwide, but it’s rooted in Atlanta. Those who appreciate hip-hop’s post-regionalism should show some gratitude to T.I. for his part in the evolution. Andre 3000 let us know “the Souf’ got sum’ to say,” and T.I. followed up on Outkast’s superstardom by talking to everybody. 20 years later, Atlanta’s trap sound is ubiquitous, and T.I. is a part of that evolution.

The so-called “third coast” has long been subject to reductive criticism from people opining that the South is less sophisticated or intellectual than other regions. In 2010, New Orleans rapper Jay Electronica called out RZA for such comments that The Abbot had made in Rap Pages. While it’s unclear what RZA said back then, he acknowledged the comments and “clarified” to Sway:

“I was speaking on the education level in the South, how brothers drop out in the sixth grade – some of them because they have to go to work, some of them because of the poverty, some because they’re not interested in the education system, how their dialect in speaking and how their vocabulary was limited.

He also noted that the North had “evolved” their dialect.“ But Mobb Deep’s “dunn language” is indiscernible on purpose. The Wu’s heavily-coded lingo reflected their 5-percenter teachings. Why are those New York dialects, that thumbed their nose at institutional standards, celebrated, while Southern dialect somehow reflects a lack of education to critics? It reflects writer Briana Younger’s observation, written in NPR’s stellar celebration of Southern hip-hop, that “it’s rarely considered that Southern rap sounds the way it does as an aesthetic decision rather than due to inability.”

RZA’s comments reflect a eurocentric praxis that dogged Southern rappers for years. Those who make jokes about T.I.’s vast vocabulary and colorful cadence should consider that they’re a pushback against elitist, classist beliefs about the South. The thing is, he never had to switch up his cadence or vernacular to be understood.

Videographer Choke No Joke’s “Last Days Of The Roc” series captured footage of Dipset and T.I. in 2003. T.I. is talking with a deep Atlanta accent, but Jim Jones not only understood what he was saying while interacting with him on the finer points of car rims, he gave the camera a primer on “the trap” — a sign that he had been listening intently to I’m Serious and Trap Muzik, which had come out in August 2003.

There’s a lot to be said about the war on drugs’ plunder on Black America (an entirely different piece), but the music bore from the drug game is one of our community’s unlikeliest connecters. As one of T.I.’s favorites Jay-Z once noted, “We all ghetto B.” Listening to Trap Muzik expresses an all-too-relatable narrative of survival mode that transcends regional lines. Baltimore had the corners, LA had the dope spots, New York had the building lobbies, and Atlanta had “the trap.” They’re all different locations, but they’re the same place — all within the same struggle. So when T.I. rapped about just “Doin’ My Job” over a shimmering Kanye West beat, his sentiment was universally felt.

The success of Trap Muzik paved the way for a steady commercial ascendance. With a slew of ‘00s hits like “Rubber Band Man,” “U Don’t Know Me,” “ASAP,” and “What U Know,” T.I. helped entrenched trap music as a bankable sound, and the industry took notice. He helped shift the sound of popular music to our current juncture with skittering hi-hats and 808s as core aesthetics of popular music. Gucci Mane and Jeezy shifted the trap sound in a different sonic direction with the help of producers like Zaytoven and Shawty Redd, but T.I.’s catalog is undeniably a part of the trap music fabric. It’s even more impressive that he never relegated himself to that sound.

Consider the first two songs on his King album. He’s rapping double-time over a rabid Just Blaze instrumental on the intro, spitting as if he was on the New York-based SMACK DVD. And only after one of the most vicious lyrical onslaughts of the 2000s did he invite everyone down south on the UGK-featuring “Front Back,” noting “I know a lot of y’all n****s out there, who ain’t up on this down south sh*t probably wonderin’ what the f*ck you listenin’ to right now.” There are very few rappers who can credibly pull that off, and it speaks to his popularity that he knew he had listeners all over the country.

He’s a top-flight MC over any beat, sounding like he’s home in more ways than one. He could have fun over Swizz Beatz’ zany “Bring Em Out,” and mow through “Swagga Like Us’’” surging percussion. He could also get reflective like he did on Kanye West’s “Drive Slow” remix, which is one of his finest moments. But no matter what kind of beat he was on, he never sacrificed his voice. He’s held his own with Jay-Z, Beanie Sigel, Dipset, Meek Mill, Snoop Dogg, and many other non-Southerners, and always sounded like Atlanta.

T.I.’s catalog helps prove a point that shouldn’t have to be broached: that Southern artists can rap over anything. T.I. had to overcome the North’s elitist stigmas when he first got in the game. Now, those same gripers claim that everyone sounds like Atlanta. His commercial stature may have faded over the years, and he may be more known to the younger generation for controversial comments and parenting decisions, but many things can be true at once. No one can deny his musical legacy or his complicity in changing the tides of rap music.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Meet me in the cosmos

Well guess what: Everyone is going to space. Not everyone everyone. I am not going to space, for example. And I suspect you are not going to space, either. But a lot of people are going to space. A lot of people involved in the movie business. Real and fictional. It’s a Hollywood Space Race and it’s getting completely out of control.

Let’s step back a bit first, because history is important. It has long been my position that the Fast & Furious movies will end up going to outer space. It has been my position for a number of reasons I’ve articulated many times, most of which boil down to “I mean, of course they’ll go to space eventually, be serious here.” And it appeared my suspicions were proven correct earlier this year, after the ninth movie had already been delayed for a year, when Ludacris popped up on a YouTube talk show and sort of winkingly confirmed it happens in the currently-shelved blockbuster.

“I will say that you are very intuitive, because you said something right, but I’m not going to give it away,” the rapper and franchise actor said.

Cunningham tried to pry the answer out of him, saying she bet it was space, which is when the actor covered his mouth as though he let a secret slip. Ludacris then tried to play coy. “I don’t know. I don’t know what you said,” the actor teased.

Yes, fine, great. The assumption here is that they are definitely going to space in some way because otherwise it would make Ludacris a huge jerk and troll, and I refuse to accept that as a possibility. And anyway, Michelle Rodriguez also went on a YouTube talk show and kind of confirmed it.

“Oh, no way. How did you guys find that out? See what happens? People start talking behind the scenes, man. When a movie doesn’t come out and forget about it, things get out. Nobody was supposed to know that…Oh, well, no, I’m not, I’m not, I’m not lucky enough to hit space, but we did get a female writer and showed a lot of love, I think, on this one. Thanks to…Justin Lin. We were able to, to find a little bit more attention and love for the girls in the movie. And so I’m really hopeful that that, that shows through in the final product.

So, for the purposes of our discussion here, let’s just assume that it’s true. The Fast & Furious movies are going to space. The prophecy has been fulfilled. It’s a big deal.

But if history has taught us anything over the last 30 or 40 years, it’s that Tom Cruise refuses to do one tiny droplet less than the absolute most every single second of every single day, and so he is also going to space for a movie. Notice what I did not say here. I did not say “in a movie.” I said “for a movie.” Tom Cruise — the human, not in character — is going to space to film a movie. And, if an unverified Twitter account that tracks upcoming space launches is to be believed, it’s happening next year.

Under the October 2021 part of the chart reads “SpaceX Crew Dragon,” with an image of a small space vehicle beside it. Next to the illustration are a list of three names: SpaceX Pilot Lopez Alegria, Tourist 1 Tom Cruise and Tourist 2 Doug Liman. The tourist flight also shows a vacant spot for a third visitor.

Who do you think the as-yet-unidentified third visitor will be? I hope it’s, like, Steve Harvey, and the movie turns out to just be a documentary about Tom Cruise and Steve Harvey going to space. I would see that in IMAX.

All of this space stuff does bring up an interesting question: Where do either of the extremely successful monuments to insane action — the Fast & Furious movies as a franchise; Tom Cruise as a human — go from here? Where can they go? It’s hard to top outer space. It’s quite literally been referred to as “the last frontier.” It makes me both very excited and very worried.

Think about it this way: The ninth Fast & Furious movie goes to space, let’s say briefly, not as a whole astronaut situation but maybe more like a “Vin Diesel must fly an airplane up through the atmosphere to thwart whatever evil Charlize Theron and her new bowl cut have planned” thing. This is a franchise that has raised the stakes with every movie, from high-speed train robberies to skydiving muscle cars to nuclear submarine heists on a glacier. How can they top space? Can they top space? If feels almost like there’s nowhere else to go from there, right? This could just be my own failure of imagination — I did not foresee “bringing Han back to life, again, why not?” to be fair — but it does make me worry the next movie will be a letdown.

Same with Cruise. The man is a maniac. You’ve read the stories about him doing his own stunts. You know he taught himself how to fly a helicopter to do the sky chase in Mission: Impossible — Fallout himself. The surprise here isn’t that Tom Cruise is going to film a movie in outer space, it’s that he has not filmed a movie in outer space already. It is the most Tom Cruise thing I can think of. But… what happens when he’s done? What can he do next to get that lunatic adrenaline jolt? What happens when he wakes up the next morning and realizes there are no dragons left to slay? I’d say I’m worried he might fall into a pit of metaphorical despair, but I’m pretty sure Scientologists don’t believe in that. Which would make it even more shattering for him, on a deeply personal level, to pair this with the possibility that his entire belief system is a lie. Picture a depressed Tom Cruise. Really, picture it. It’s a little unsettling, right? Say what you will about the man and his eccentricities (no, really, say it all, loudly), but I don’t think my brain can comprehend him being sad. I don’t think his can, either.

What I’m saying here is that, with their respective space-based plans, both Tom Cruise and the Fast & Furious movies might be flying a little too close to the sun. Figuratively, yes, but also quite literally.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — I am so excited to tell you about the Sopranos fart machine

The first thing you need to know is that there are currently at least two different Sopranos-related podcasts hosted by former members of the cast. One of them, Talking Sopranos, is hosted by Michael Imperioli and was in the news recently because it is where we first learned that James Gandolfini, Tony Soprano himself, loved Green Day, specifically the album Dookie, and used to listen to it in his trailer, which is fascinating. The other podcast is titled Gangster Goddess Broad-cast and is hosted by Drea De Matteo and we’ll come back to it in a minute.

The second thing you need to know is that it is infuriating to me that there is not a Sopranos-related podcast hosted by Tony Sirico, preferably in character as Pauly Walnuts, where he has on celebrity guests and discusses the issues of the day.

The third thing you need to know, circling back to Drea de Matteo’s podcast as promised, is that Lorraine Bracco once masterminded a prank on James Gandolfini that involved misdirection, minor carpentry, and a fart machine.

When we pick up the story, Bracco has just explained that their set designer had helped her install a fart machine into the chair she sat in during the therapy sessions with Gandolfini. Take it away, Lorraine.

“I said to Jimmy, ‘Listen, I don’t feel good, I don’t know what I ate, I’m sweating,’” she said. “So I set it up — my stomach is killing me, the whole thing. Then with Marchetti, I would [clench up], and he would press the button.”

This is diabolical. I love it so much. Imagine James Gandolfini’s face as this is going on. Imagine him trying in vain to stay in character. The amount of thought that went into all of it. It’s devious and lively and I adore it.

We continue.

“So Jimmy finally said, ‘You’re f—ing around with me,’ and he grabs me and he takes my chair and he lifts up the cushion — but there’s nothing there!”

The ruse was eventually uncovered, of course, although it is really, really funny to picture a scenario where it wasn’t and James Gandolfini was riddled with guilt for the rest of his life about the time he accused a sick woman of lying about her embarrassing digestive issues and proceeded to lift her in the air. Almost as funny as it is to picture him having a hearty laugh about it later in his trailer, with his feet up on the table and a cigar clenched between his teeth as he sings along to “Longview” in that voice of his.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Vin Diesel has a new song

There is a long and storied history of celebrities dipping their toes into music after they become rich and/or famous enough that it becomes impossible to stop them, and yes, this sentence is mostly an excuse to link back to the thing I wrote about the Jeremy Renner Jeep commercials where he drove around the desert listening to his own album. But now that we’re in a new sentence, we have to move forward, quickly, in a manner one could describe as fast and/or furiously, because Vin Diesel — today, like, moments after I woke up — released a new song. He’s debuting it on The Kelly Clarkson Show, which is incredible from a historical perspective in ways you should stop to think about this weekend at some point. It’s called “Feel Like I Do” and it is kind of a beachy dance track, like something you’d hear playing at a cabana bar in a party town, or in an Old Navy the weekend they roll out their flip-flops and summer graphic tees that say like “WAIKIKI LIFEGUARD” on them for no immediately decipherable reason.

Let’s see what the audience thinks.

You know, there’s a lot to be upset about right now, from politics to viruses to not being able to see your family and friends or go get a haircut, but I won’t lie: Vin Diesel debuting a new single on Kelly Clarkson’s talk show as her audience dances along awkwardly via webcam… it’s really taking the sharp edges off this morning. I do feel like you do, Vin. I do.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Amber Ruffin rules

Amber Ruffin has a new late-night show premiering on Peacock this week. This is good news because Amber Ruffin is awesome. You might have seen her on Late Night with Seth Meyers, where she is a writer and performer. You should have seen her on Detroiters, where she was a writer and guest star. I’m still mad that show was canceled. What a perfect television program.

Anyway. Ruffin has this infectiously fun personality, even when addressing heavy topics. It’s refreshing and a blast even in reasonably good times, but it’s just about the only way I can handle discussions of current events right now. She’s the best. Go bounce around YouTube and watch a bunch of her appearances with Seth Meyers. Then go read a bunch of the interviews she’s been doing to promote the show. Like this one, from the New York Times.

How did you finally get your own show?

A couple years ago, we put together a show idea, and it didn’t go. But then NBC came to us and were like, hey, there’s this thing called Peacock. Can we do that show you pitched a while ago?

Were you disappointed when they previously passed on the show?

It was their fourth pass on me, sir, so I’m good. I’ve sold them three pilots, one of which we shot. At least with this, it was just a pitch document. Unlike a sitcom, you don’t have to spend a year writing it and rewriting. You just pitch it, like: It’s a late-night show. Do you want it? No? Cool.

I would pay a reasonable monthly fee for a podcast featuring her and John Mulaney. In lieu of that, I will happily watch her show on Peacock, for free, with commercials. I am willing to make sacrifices like this to support artists I enjoy. I am a great person.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Cousin Greg, whomp me over the head with a Yield sign and shove my limp body into a ravine

Nicholas Braun plays Cousin Greg on Succession, which would be enough to earn my admiration by itself. I love Cousin Greg, my sweet lanky boy, the non-blood Roy who shuffles through his privileged life with more awkwardness than you could stuff into an airplane hangar. What a treasure. Cousin Greg and NoHo Hank from Barry are probably two of my five favorite characters on television right now. I want a show about the two of them opening a diner together. I’m barely joking.

Braun isn’t just Cousin Greg, though. He’s also a funny guy who recently released a parody punk rock music video titled “Antibodies,” about the pandemic, which is beautiful. And more recently (like, Tuesday recently), he recorded this video where he thanked the internet for their somewhat concerning expressions of admiration.

This is one of those things that is borderline impossible to explain to anyone who is not very online all the time. Try doing it today. “See, Aunt Paula, sometimes, when people like another person, they’ll go on their public social media account and post something like ‘cousin greg knead me into a tight ball with your strong hands and then roll me out paper-thin and cut me into beautiful strips of fettuccine that you throw into a pot of boiling water and eat half of tonight at dinner and the other half of two days later out of a microwave-safe plastic container’ with no capitalization or punctuation. It is the highest form of admiration they know how to show.”

I’m serious. Do it. Tell me how it goes. I honestly want to know. Because I sure as heck do not plan on doing it.

ITEM NUMBER SIX — Merry, uh… Christmas?

This week marked the beginning of fall, which means it is time… for… Christmas? It is time for Christmas. Apparently. According to the Hallmark Channel, at least, because they just went ahead and released the titles and descriptions of their annual barrage of holiday-themed movies, which start airing before Halloween and most of which star actors and actresses who you kind of remember from shows you kind of watched a few years ago. Or, to put it another way, it is officially Lacey Chabert season.

You know a Hallmark Christmas movie even if you’ve never seen one. The SNL sketch up there does a nice job of parodying them and their “a high-powered executive gets stranded in a small town on the eve of a big meeting and falls for like the local mechanic who fixes both her car and her heart and teaches her the true meaning of Christmas” plots. That really is the plot of most of them, or at least something not entirely unlike that. Read through the whole list for yourself if you want. Or just look at the description for A Glenbrooke Christmas, which is maybe the single most Hallmark Christmas movie thing I’ve ever seen.

As Christmas nears, heiress Jessica Morgan (Autumn Reeser) seizes what seems like her last chance to experience a relaxed Christmas and heads off to the small town of Glenbrooke, where she meets a handsome fireman (Antonio Cupo).

Taylor Townshend from The O.C. is an heiress who is in search of a peaceful Christmas and falls for the local hot fireman. It’s perfect. I love it. I hope Hallmark makes these movies until the end of time. I hope one of them is about a person who is hooked on Hallmark movies and but the cable goes out because the cable company has been cutting costs to maximize profits and then the cable company executive crashes his or her helicopter in that person’s backyard on Christmas Eve and gets stranded and sees the harm in those harsh profit-extracting actions and also they fall in love. Starring Lacey Chabert and, oh, let’s say Adam Brody. Air it next year on October 3rd. The machine stops for no one.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Jason:

Please tell me you’ve seen the commercials for Kim Cattrall’s new Fox series where she plays a very wealthy Southern televangelist whose husband dies and leaves her with a bunch of secret love children. It looks so ridiculous. I’ve seen these ads about a hundred times during the first two weeks of football this season (really nailing that target audience) and every time I see them I think “I hope Brian knows about this show.” I’m sure you do. But I had to be sure.

Two notes here:

• This email came in on Sunday, before the show in question, Filthy Rich, debuted on Monday night
• Yes, Jason, I was and am very aware of it, in large part because of the strong “Judith Light doing cocaine at the rodeo on the modern-day TNT continuation of Dallas that aired a few years ago” vibes it has been launching into the universe

I watched the premiere on Monday night. The important thing to know is that the whole thing opens with Kim Cattrall torching a beautiful New Orleans mansion while wearing a white fur wrap as a cover of Steve Winwood’s “Higher Love” plays.

Lots of other things happen, too. There’s a farm-based camgirl virtual sex operation, and a plane crash that kills a millionaire and what appears to be three or four prostitutes, and all of that also happens before the opening credits of the first episode. But I feel like you probably knew all of that from seeing the screencaps of the fancy arson. Yes, I will be monitoring this program.

Judith, your thoughts?

Well said.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Egypt!

A total of 27 sarcophagi buried more than 2,500 years ago have been unearthed by archaeologists in an ancient Egyptian necropolis.

They were found inside a newly-discovered well at a sacred site in Saqqara, south of the capital, Cairo.

I’m so torn. On one hand, we should definitely not open these sarcophagi. Definitely not. There’s the first thing, which is that it’s probably disrespectful to the dead. On a cultural level, sure, but also, I mean, I don’t think I’d want a bunch of creepers digging me up in 2500 years and looking at my bones and stuff. Leave me alone. Come on. And then there’s the second thing, which is that they could be full of demons and spirits who will curse us and our descendants for 10,000 years, and, to be honest, I really don’t need all of that right now. There’s enough going on.

But on the other hand… I really want to know what’s in there. What if it’s treasure? Or a friendly demon or spirit who can solve all of our problems and turn Earth into a glorious utopia? Or a friendly spirit who has treasure? We won’t know until we know, you know?

Might be worth a roll of the dice.

“Initial studies indicate that these coffins are completely closed and haven’t been opened since they were buried,” Egypt’s antiquities ministry said in a statement on Saturday.

See? See?! They’re toying around with us. Now I really want to know. What if the friendly demon is named Daryl and we teach him about our world and he becomes a huge fan of NBA basketball and just like an all-around chill dude. You and Daryl sitting there watching hoops, eating chips and guacamole that he conjured up out of thin air. A win for everyone. We almost have to do it now.

The ministry said it hoped to reveal “more secrets” at a press conference in the coming days.

Say it with me…

OPEN

THOSE

SARCOPHAGI

Or don’t. Probably don’t. But think about it.

Despite reports to the contrary, Henry Cavill has set the record straight on his involvement with Zack Snyder’s director cut of Justice League, better known as “The Snyder Cut.”

In a recent interview to promote the Netflix release of Enola Holmes, Cavill was adamant that he will not be shooting any additional scenes for the new cut of the film. The actor is also tied up in Europe where he’s resumed filming for the second season of The Witcher, which saw it’s production delayed like so many others because of the pandemic. Via Collider:

“Not shooting anything additional. No. It’s all stuff that has been already done. Obviously I don’t know how things are going to evolve and change and adapt depending on now a different length of movie and whatever may happen in post-production. Whatever lessons may be learned from what is it four years since Justice League came out? Four years’ worth of fan reaction. For me… I’m now just watching the party.”

Get ready for a Superman pun. Cavill’s response flies in the face of a recent report from The Hollywood Reporter that claimed Cavill, Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, and Ray Fisher will return to their Justice League roles for reshoots in October. While Zack Snyder had originally said that there would not be reshoots when he first announced that HBO Max is releasing the Snyder Cut in 2021, THR says the scope of the project has now changed. During DC Fandome, Snyder confirmed that his director’s cut would now be four hour-long episodes, which has reportedly necessitated the need for reshoots.

However, with Cavill already denying his reshoot-involvement, it will be interesting to see if the reshoots are actually happening with the other actors, particularly Ben Affleck, who seems to be rekindling his relationship with Batman after not having the best experience filming Batman V Superman and Justice League back-to-back.

(Via Collider)

When Billie Eilish gives you a co-sign, it’s only a matter of time until you go from “underground favorite” to “household name.” That’s the position Florida rapper Snot finds himself in as he releases his latest single, “Revenge,” with some help from alt-rap impresario Cole Bennett. Snot’s on the verge of superstardom and with the co-signs of two of Gen-Z’s favorite tastemakers, it appears his breakthrough is coming sooner rather than later.

As usual, Bennett’s Lyrical Lemonade adds an eye-grabbing touch to the clip for “Revenge,” combining Snot’s usual aesthetic — a black hoodie drawn tightly around his face — with the visual flair to make him stand out from the crowd (literally, in this case). The video also does a great job of explaining Snot’s appeal to his fans for outsiders and grown-ups, framing him as a misfit loner amid a sea of samey — and hostile — classmates in bright yellow hoodies.

It’s the classic teenage conundrum and at just 22 years old himself, one he’s not that far removed from. It’s why he’s become a favorite of the demographic that champions the outcasts and the malcontents. He speaks to that feeling of anxiety and angst that, let’s face it, pretty much every teenager feels (although it might just be amplified in Zoomers, considering *gestures at everything*). However, if he follows in the footsteps of other Cole Bennett co-signs like Lil Tecca, Cordae, Polo G, and Juice WRLD, he won’t be an outsider for much longer.

Watch Snot’s “Revenge” video above.