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Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Mark Henry got spanked by his mom because the woman he’d been stalking and harassing for several months tricked him into touching a cross-dresser’s penis. Man, don’t you miss the Attitude Era? Back when wresting was real.

If you haven’t seen this pay-per-view, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes of classic Raw you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.

Hey, you! If you want us to keep doing retro reports, share them around! And be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of these shows. Head back to a time long forgotten when WWE TV was fun to watch, and things happened!

And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Royal Rumble 1999.

Best: Mr. McMahon Lets Us Know How Much Of A Chance We Have

The 1999 Royal Rumble is a real shit-show, so let’s start off with Sunday Night Heat and the night’s most historically relevant moment: the debut of ‘No Chance In Hell,’ high-key the greatest entrance song in wrestling history (don’t @ me), for Vince McMahon. Technically the show is called WWF ROYAL RUMBLE: NO CHANCE IN HELL so Jim Johnston and Peter Bursuker’s corporate club banger is only the theme song for the pay-per-view, but 20 years later its as synonymous with Mr. McMahon as silly power walks and boxy suits you lifted from a passing gorilla.

Not The Best: Mr. McMahon’s Plans

McMahon and Son (and the Stooges) open Heat with a twofold plan to escape the evening:

• keep Stone Cold Steve Austin out of the Royal Rumble by closing up the performer parking lot behind the arena, and hoping he’s too stupid to like, park his truck in a normal parking lot and walk a short distance
• put Mankind in a “warm-up” bout on Heat against a mystery opponent to soften him up for the WWF Championship “I Quit” match against the Rock later in the night (spoiler: trust us, The Rock does all the “softening” here, in the worst definition of that word)

Let’s start with “trying to stop Stone Cold Steve Austin from doing something while he’s behind the wheel of a large vehicle,” which is, “start a bonfire between the pumps at a gas station,” levels of short-sighted. Austin pulls up in his truck and tries to park but gets waved away, with the attendant informing him it’s, “VIP parking, limousines only!” The lot is barricaded up like it’s Les Misérables, so Austin, being Austin, finds a limousine. A monster truck limousine, SOMEHOW, which he uses to … well, monster truck his way in. Is that what driving a monster truck over something is called?

My only criticisms here are that Vince McMahon didn’t also have a Corporate Monster Truck, that they did not have a sumo battle on the roof of Arrowhead Pond, and that it didn’t end with Vince falling off the roof to his death before completely recovering and returning to the ring to win the Royal Rumble.

This is Mankind’s “mystery opponent.” What a mystery, right? There have been so many 6-foot-9, 500-pound black guys in WWE history, it’s hard to narrow it down. It’s either Mabel from Men on a Mission, or … [checks notes] Mark Henry put on 250 pounds and had a half-a-foot growth spurt at age 27? Kamala ate an everlasting gobstopper before he stepped out of the limo?

No one took into account that aside from that one King of the Ring win, Mabel’s WWE career was dedicated to being the world’s largest and most physically threatening looking jobber. Even here, when he’s brought in as a Corporate hit man, he’s unmasked and losing so badly five minutes in that The Rock has to run out and get him disqualified. So to recap, they tried to keep Stone Cold Steve Austin out of a parking lot by assuming he didn’t have the Grand Theft Auto cheat codes to materialize a monster truck limo out of thin air, and they tried to soften up Mankind with the softest dude they could find.

One important note: during a pre-match promo, Mankind insists that he’ll make The Rock say …

On commentary, Corporate booster club President Shane McMahon is suspiciously like, “thank you very much for those KIND WORDS, Mick,” and nobody gives it a second thought. I guess, “thanks for speaking very clearly into the microphone there, Mick, if an impossibly strong 6-foot-5 man with an uncontrollable blood lust hitting your brains as hard as humanly possible with a steel chair 11 times doesn’t work, our access to this audio will come in handy,” would’ve been too obvious.

Worst: A Huge Undertaking, Part One

It’s with the sudden reappearance of Mabel, of all people, that we should mention The Undertaker, who shows up on Heat dressed like a sarcastic Amish boxer to remind us that another ritual sacrifice will happen during the Royal Rumble. You’d think somebody would, I don’t know, call the cops on their co-workers for kidnapping and torturing people on-screen to brainwash them into joining his Satantic blood cult, but hilariously that has an actual, in-universe storyline reason for not happening. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Undertaker’s appearance is prefaced by Bradshaw, Faarooq, and Clothed Mideon ruining the end of a Job Squad versus Too Much match, as much as that’s possible. They really missed the boat not giving Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor gay occult gimmicks. Sunday Night Heat would’ve turned into an Anne Rice novel like [snaps]. Of note, this is Scorpio’s very last major appearance in WWE aside from two Shotgun Saturday Night appearances until December of 2007, when he shows up in a battle royal on the 15th Anniversary Raw.

Will She Be Sable To Compete??

One of the funniest attempts at storytelling for the entire event is the video package for Sable vs. Luna Vachon, wherein WWE’s obsession with revisionist history decides that Luna “looked upon Sable as a role model.” Yes, Luna Vachon, who debuted in 1985 and is the daughter of Butcher Vachon and the niece of Vivian and Mad Dog Vachon, looked upon L’Oréal model and 10-month in-ring veteran Sable as her wrestling role model.

Here, Luna interrupts a Sable interview with a run-in so non-threatening you have to see it to believe it, and Sable uses her world class athleticism to just kind of fall over and die. Luna adds 0.001% more damage by pawing at Sable’s back like she’s trying to unlace her corset. Luna just really, really, really works the back. Sable’s back is so hurt I don’t think she’s gonna be able to compete.

Anyway, a fun aside to the 1999 Royal Rumble is that this is the show Barry Blaustein is at, shooting footage for what will become Beyond the Mat. It’s fun to go back and see all the stuff that’s produced in the ring based on what we see happening backstage.

Pfft, like I’d ever think that.

You’ll be shocked to read this, I know, but despite her back being really, really, really worked, Sable is able to compete. It’s a strap match, the one where you have to physically drag your opponent around the ring and touch all four corners without your momentum being broken, so you know it’s got the only finish those matches ever have: one person dominantly dragging their opponent to three corners, but not noticing their opponent has touched the corners, too. Then a little fight breaks out, and despite the fact that “broken momentum” is supposed to reset the count (and the fact that being led around in a circle is the opposite of “momentum” and the background corner touches shouldn’t count unless you’re in control), the person being dragged touches the fourth corner before the dragger and wins. It’s exactly as clumsy as my paragraph attempting to explain it.

Sable and Luna do that, with the bonus of Luna only being stopped at the very end by interference from Sable superfan and Ron Perlman’s stunt double on Beauty and the Beast, “Tori.” I can’t believe Luna’s childhood role model would cheat to win like that.

Worst: D-Generation X And The Under-card Of Doom

What does the phrase, “strongest recommendation to avoid,” mean to you?

The only things most people remember from this pay-per-view are the Rumble match itself (mostly for bad reasons) and Foley and The Rock doing “I Quit” (for much worse reasons). What you may not remember is that D-Generation X is responsible for the entire non-Sable-related under-card, and it’s about as bland and uneventful as WWF wrestling could get in 1999.

• Up first is Road Dogg vs. Big Boss Man, and nobody knows what the hell’s going on. It’s not supposed to be for the Hardcore Championship or contested under hardcore rules, but the referee holds up the belt before the match anyway. They start off pretty strong regardless, but it goes 12 minutes for some reason and is … okay, you know how in a battle royal when two wrestlers aren’t the focus of whatever’s going on, and you can see them in the background just kind of aimlessly punching and humping each other into the ropes and corners? It’s that, but a singles match. For 12 minutes.
• After that we’ve got the Intercontinental Championship match between Ken Shamrock and Bill Ass, which was apparently supposed to be Gunn’s coronation as the next big superstar but was curbed due to (according to Wade Keller) Gunn partying all night and showing up to work hungover. So Shamrock just kicks his ass and wins clean with the ankle lock in an astonishing 15 minutes of boring, heartless Billy Gunn action you’d have fast forwarded on Raw. Like watching paint dry on a snail’s ass.
• The best of the matches is a random European Championship defense for X-Pac against Gangrel, but even that’s marred by a botched finish. Pac comes off the top with a cross-body. Gangrel rolls through, and referee Teddy Long clearly counts X-Pac’s shoulders down for three. Everybody in the crowd is like “…??? LOL what,” and the wrestlers more or less abandon hope and go straight to the finish. This got roughly a third of the time as the other two matches.

And then the Sable and Luna strap match. I only recommend this pay-per-view for anthropological purposes, or as a cautionary tale of how not to use collapsible furniture. I guess we might as well go ahead and get to that.

Worst: The 11 Chair Shots Heard ‘Round The World

If you watch WWE YouTube’s revisionist history of this match, you’ll see Mankind “falling” out of the stands and dropping an elbow onto some electrical equipment in a very safe attempt to evoke his fall at King of the Ring ’98. Special effects sparks fly, and The Rock squats over Mankind’s unconscious body and jams a microphone into his face. Audio of Mankind screaming, “I quit,” over and over from Sunday Night Heat is played over the speakers, and Mankind “quits” via manipulative audio technicality and loses the championship. It’s a good finish to a heated match if you, like the World Wrestling Federation’s dueling Vinces, are still obsessed with Survivor Series ’97 and can’t stop riffing on it.

What the YouTube version leaves out is everything between the fall and the finish, a borderline televised manslaughter which goes down as maybe the most brutal stretch of pro wrestling violence to ever happen on a big stage in a big league wrestling promotion. It is horror.

Mankind’s not finished, so Rock drags him back to the ring and handcuffs his arms behind his back. Around this point is when you should start getting deeply concerned. Mankind fights back with some kicks and a big funny headbutt to the groin, but Rock’s ultimately able to regain the advantage and hit a chair-assisted People’s Elbow. Rock wants Mankind to quit. Mankind: “Go to Hell, Rock.” The Rock’s response? “The Rock may go to Hell, but your candy ass first.”

And then he makes good on the threat.

Mankind stumbles to his feet, so The Rock — again, a very large, very strong young man who has already shown he can swing a steel chair with murderous intent and cruel precision — blasts him in the face with a full force, completely unprotected chair shot. Mankind crumbles to his knees, so Rock gives him another. Rock tells him to quit. Mankind’s response: “Kill me.” Right around here is when your deep concern should turn to flashing red lights.

Rock responds with three more full-on unprotected chair shots to the head to put Foley down. Foley’s bleeding from the face, badly. This is where the match should end. This is where it’s supposed to end, depending on who you talk to, but instead of staying down, an already concussed Mankind rolls out of the ring and tries to stagger away. Rock follows him to the floor and hits another chair shot to the head. And another. And ANOTHER. Foley falls to the ground in a heap and has no goddamn idea where he is. His wife and young children are in the crowd in hysterics. His face looks like a pizza without the cheese. Somehow THIS is where the two worst swings occur.

“I don’t feel like such a good dad anymore.”

The one that bothers me the most 20 years later is this one. Mankind gets to his feet and is very clearly giving his back to Rock. Rock refuses, waiting maliciously (at least in the moment) for another swing at Mick’s brains. Foley’s 10 chair shots in and tries to walk away. Instead of even repositioning and squaring up with the final swing, Rock just winds up and throws the hardest chair shot he’s ever given to the middle of the back of Mick’s head. That’s the killing blow.

This is Mankind lying in a rapidly collecting pool of blood. Not dramatic “show” blood that he used a little razor taped to his fingers to spurt from a little gash in his hairline. The thick, oozing blood that falls out of you when your brain is swelling and your body’s starting to shut down. Here, finally, Rock squats over him and they do the worked audio gimmick that, and I could be wrong here, did not need a homicide to set up.

According to various accounts of what went down, the truth of the matter seems to be that the original idea was for Foley to take a beating and ultimately quit to spare his family from watching him get completely and irreparably wrecked. They get Mick’s wife and kids in the front row, and Mick assumes that what they have planned won’t be any worse than the years of Cactus Jack-centric violence and punishment they’ve already seen. The idea is just a few chair shots with Rock putting the drama on Colette Foley between them. But the head of USA Network was going to be there and he’d been defending Raw’s content on press tours, so Foley decided to up the physicality and add more chair shots. The finish was changed from an emotional decision of a father and a husband to another “screwjob,” because THOSE got people talking. And somewhere amid all of this, they lose control of the finish. Foley won’t stay down. Rock wants to lead him up the ramp to do the piped-in “I quits” but Foley’s mid-concussions and stops being an active participant. Rock’s in the moment, and his testosterone is pumping, and he’s internally on fire. Children are crying. Five chair shots becomes eleven. Blood is everywhere. Film crews set up to shoot a moment and end up with something completely different.

The Rock didn’t apologize for the extra chair shots and didn’t check on Foley while he was being patchworked back to life, which caused a rift between the two. They worked it out, of course, and a lot of their best moments as a duo are still ahead of them. But the 1999 Royal Rumble “I Quit” match remains infamous as a reminder of what can happen when plans spiral wildly out of control, and the consequences that can have for not only the performers involved, but the people who care about them. It’s even harder to watch now that we know more about concussions and what they can do to a wrestler’s brain. Fascinating, unforgettable, and nauseating. One of the best matches all all time that I wish had never happened.

And Now, Stridex® And Vince Russo Present The 1999 Royal Rumble Match

The least important part of the 1999 Royal Rumble match is the Royal Rumble match.

It’s all about the “story” — the World Wrestling Federation makes movies, after all, they don’t confederate wrestling around the world or anything — to the point that anything happening in the ring is irrelevant. Which is a really odd thing to say about a match that’s supposed to have rules and take place entirely in a wrestling ring.

For an illustration of what I’m talking about, that’s an image of Stone Cold Steve Austin knocked out on the floor of the women’s restroom. So … all right, if you’ve been reading the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War column for the build to this, you know that Stone Cold Steve Austin is the number one entrant in the Rumble, and Vince McMahon is number two. Austin cares more about stomping a mud hole in Vince and walking it dry than winning, so the fight ends up going out of the ring and into the crowd, and then into the arena concourse. Austin and McMahon are the focus while dorks like Edge, Droz, and Gillberg hang out in the ring to technically “keep the match going.” Ultimately Austin is jumped by the Corporation and laid out in the aforementioned rest room, where he’s so badly beaten he has to be taken away on a stretcher and whisked away to the Local Medical Facility.

The ring starts filling up with guys like Dan Severn, Tiger Ali Singh, and The Blue Meanie. IMAGINE how good that is. The 11th entry is Mabel, fresh off his embarrassing disqualification loss debut as a Corporate henchman on Sunday Night Heat, and he starts clearing the ring. But remember that thing I told you to remember about the Undertaker and the whole “ritualistic sacrifice” thing?

Sure enough, The Undertaker shows up to make Mabel his next acolyte, meaning Mabel returned as a Corporate hench and turned into a GOTH hench in the span of a few hours. They attack him until he’s back in the parking lot, where they force him into the back of a hearse and drive off. As you may know, this begins Mable’s transformation into Viscera, as I guess Undertaker was in the back like, “hey Mideon, you know what would be funny? If we named the really fat guy after guts. Also, you know what would make Mabel a better wrestler? Putting him in white contact lenses so he can’t see, and dressing him in a big baggy trash bag that’s always about to fall off so he has to keep pulling it up.” During this whole thing, Road Dogg hangs out in the ring, not doing anything. This is the level of excitement we’re working with here, people.

If that’s not enough extracurricular Brothers of Destruction ballyhoo for you, Kane enters at number 18, following such luminaries as Al Snow and Kurrgan, and eliminates everyone until Mr. McMahon’s roving pack of local asylum orderlies hit the ring to get beaten up.

Kane, not wanting to be institutionalized again, eliminates himself and escapes out through the crowd.

Mr. McMahon returns to the ring and ends up sitting in on commentary (while still being an active participant), and is hits the EXAGGERATED UH OH GULP when Stone Cold Steve Austin returns driving the ambulance that’d taken him away. McMahon apparently forgot that Stone Cold regains 100% HP and gains a boost to all stats when he’s near a vehicle. It’s like letting Popeye eat a can of spinach.

Austin returns to the ring and has to fight through an army of Corporation guys and D-Generation X members who are willing to betray and eliminate him to claim the $100,000 Stone Cold elimination bonus. He’s able to survive Triple H, Owen Hart, Big Boss Man, and a few others, and eliminates Chyna only moments after she makes history by not only being the first woman to enter the men’s Rumble, but eliminate one of the men. Mark Henry, of course. Try not to accidentally touch any penises on the way to the ground!

The final two left in the ring are, you guessed it, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vince McMahon. But as you know if you’ve been paying attention to the World Wrestling Federation’s very obvious tier chart, Austin versus The Rock is the match they want for WrestleMania. So The Rock shows up to cause a distraction, and despite this match being nothing BUT distractions, Austin still falls for it like a complete idiot, allowing Vincent Kennedy goddamn McMahon to dump him to the floor and win the Royal Rumble. That leaves us with Michael Cole shouting about how the WrestleMania XV main event is now The Rock vs. Mr. McMahon.

So!

That’s the 1999 Royal Rumble. It’s a “two match show,” where the two matches are more of a conversation than actual entertainment. The purposeful, built-up swerve of Survivor Series ’98 has already devolved into the endless “tell, don’t show” screwjob finishes WWE would try to end pay-per-views with for the next 20 years, where it’s all about the unexpected shock of the moment rather than anything that makes sense for the characters, keeps them consistently motivated, or helps their careers. Most of the roster’s just a backdrop for the main event players, who are currently under the thumb of the NPC Authority Figure as fools (Austin), victims (Foley), stooges (Rock), or cartoonish sideshows (Undertaker).

The good news is that Halftime Heat, St. Valentine’s Day Massacre: In Your House, and WrestleMania XV are coming up, and that they all help the company get back on its feet creatively after critically surprising themselves with Survivor Series and having no fucking clue what to do about it.

Tomorrow Night On Raw

The Rock has another “I Quit” match less than 24 hours after turning Mick Foley’s brain into Flubber, D’Lo Brown is forced to purchase tampons against his will, and Val Venis remakes a Whoopi Goldberg classic. All this and George ‘The Animal’ Steel in action — no, really — in the next Best and Worst of Raw ’99. Try not to scream about quitting into any microphones between now and then.

No one is happy about the fact that sports are on pause for the time being. It’s a necessity, of course, but that does not necessarily mean that people have to, you know, like it. The good news is the first games back are going to feel like a godsend, while the first normal season — regardless of when it will happen — is something every fan will appreciate a touch more than usual.

To take advantage of that and to raise cash for charities that can really need it right now, the folks at Fanatics are doing a gigantic fundraiser that gets people bidding on the chance to win major sports experiences. On Thursday, while we were looking for stuff to do, we learned about this and spent a solid 20 minutes going through some of the available things. That’s when it hit us: we should fantasy draft the best sports ones. (As a note, while this was suggested by someone who does not listen to All Fantasy Pod, that is a very good podcast, and you should listen to it.)

The rules: Our three names were dropped into a list randomizer I found on the internet. I then pressed the button 10 times and got the order used to draft. Regular snake draft rules apply. After going through 11 rounds, we noticed there was an entirely different page with stuff on it, so we broke this into two parts — for the sake of clarity, “Ultimate Miami Hurricanes Fan Experience” marks the beginning of our second half of drafting — and more information about every item can be found at the aforementioned links. While some are auctions and others are lotteries, we packaged them all together.

I believe that is everything. The entire draft was very silly, and we hope you enjoy it.

Bill: Ultimate sports fan experience

Let’s be clear: this includes two tickets and flights and hotels for everything (NBA Finals, Stanley Cup Finals, World Series, CFB national title, Daytona 500, Masters, U.S. Open, Final Four and national title game, the Olympics, along with a suite at the Super Bowl) and a $100,000 Fanatics gift card. Easy pick. The Zion Williamson of this draft.

Katie: Get drafted by an NBA Team in front of global audience

I picked this so I could face my greatest fear, which is when rookies get drafted by a team and they get the one size fits all hat of that team slapped on their head, only to have the first team confer with another team before the guy gets off the podium, not realizing he’s been traded as he thanks his family and shows the waiting commentator the special, custom lining of his suit jacket he had put in. Plus I love that spooky Halloween music they blast before every pick — to think it would be for my own ghoulish debut!

(Ed. note — this was something you could bid on, but it got taken off after we drafted. We are leaving it on, however, because it took us 2+ hours to do this and restarting from the second pick is hell.)

Robby: Golf at Pebble Beach with Justin Timberlake and Bill Murray

My entire draft strategy was to take cool experiences and do things with people that I find interesting or cool. As a golfer, this one’s pretty hard to top. It’s Pebble, it’s Bill Murray (and Justin Timberlake, but mostly Bill Murray) and, unlike some of the others, travel’s included.

R: The ultimate AI experience

Speaking of doing things with people I find cool, I can think of few things I’d rather do than spend a day with Allen Iverson. There are a lot of Sixers opportunities on the list, which makes sense since this was all brought together by co-owner Michael Rubin, but this should be at the top.

K: Design, call a play at Philadelphia Eagles preseason game

Can’t tell you I have the slightest clue about which direction these guys should run but we’re all gonna do this one I call THE FOREVER HUG on three! My breath would come out in a cold little puff, just like all the players on the field who I instructed to go “AWWW” in unison as soon as they gripped their opposing player and embraced him for a good long while. I’d be saying it quietly too into my coach’s headset.

B: Play HORSE and sit courtside for the Lakers with Magic Johnson

I was gunning for the AI one, so I am very upset I will not get to hang out with Allen Iverson. Instead, I will hang out with Magic Johnson because despite how his tenure went with the team, he seems lovely.

B: Texas football experience with Matthew McConaughey

Easy pick. Don’t need to explain, because it is hanging out with Matthew McConaughey at a Texas football game. Gonna move on now.

K: Assistant coach with Doc Rivers

Doc is really funny. He makes a lot of one liners sort of under his breath. It would be one of my life’s great pleasures to tell Steve Ballmer to mind his own business when he asked what we had cooking for tonight.

R: Mark Cuban, one day contract to play with the Mavs

I picked this because I really, really want to know how they are going to follow through on the promise of me getting subbed into the game to take a free throw. Do I get in the game and they have someone on the opposing team flagrantly foul me? Does someone fake an injury and then I am, naturally, the selection of the other team to take his foul shots? How does this work? I can’t wait to find out, and also become close personal friends with Luka Doncic.

R: Sit in draft war room with Allan Houston and the Knicks

A few things about this one. First, I love the disclaimer “legends subject to change” when it says you play HORSE with John Starks and Allan Houston. I hope they pull a switcheroo and I’m playing HORSE with Renaldo Balkman and Ronnie Turiaf. Second, there’s a non-zero chance I can parlay this into a high-paying front office role with the Knicks by convincing them to make a good pick for once. Third, if that doesn’t work, I could try starting a “Sell The Team” chant inside the war room and see who joins in. Sadly, travel is not included.

K: Throw out the first pitch at the next World Series

There’s nothing in the rules that says the first pitch at the World Series can’t be made two-handed with a basketball.

B: Sit in the LAFC owners box with Will Ferrell

LAFC is the most fun and exciting team in Major League Soccer and Ferrell is part of its ownership group. It seems like he is legitimately invested in LAFC being good and not the normal celeb owner who hopped on board with the club so he could have something to talk about with other celebs at their various celeb gatherings. Also, like every teen in the 00s, I quoted Anchorman a disturbing amount.

B: Batting lesson from A-Rod and take home his World Series trophy

I am a Yankee fan so my plan here is to attend this, really turn up my northern New Jersey, get Alex Rodriguez to become my best friend, and keep his World Series trophy forever because I share a Sunday gravy recipe with him.

K: Travel with the 49ers for an away game

Couldn’t tell you a single person on this team but what a thrill it will be to get to know them, their smells, on our private charter to take on whoever!

R: Giants game, Rao’s and workout with Saquon Barkley

Dinner at Rao’s would be incredible, and on top of that, it’d be hilarious trying to keep up with Saquon Barkley in a workout. My quads might explode.

R: Wine and dine at Villa Joe Montana

Another “travel not included” trip, but one of the things you get to do is take ATVs out to a bluff to have wine and hors d’oeuvres with Joe Montana and that sounds spectacular.

K: Glamping at Wrigley Field

Even though you have to pay for travel, I picked this so I could make a bonfire on the field and desecrate baseball.

B: Eli Manning’s 2011 Super Bowl MVP Corvette convertible

“Hi Bill.”

“Hi, Eli Manning.”

“Well, here’s my car, it’s yours now.”

“Thanks man.”

“Ok see ya later.”

B: Own Peter Guber’s 2015 Golden State Warriors championship ring

With this, I will officially have more rings than this version of the Houston Rockets. If you are a Rockets fan who is upset at this joke, I swear to god I enjoy your basketball team.

K: The Trae Young ATL Experience

I mostly picked this because the prize conditions explicitly state that Trae Young picks you up from the airport. So he pays for parking or he waits idling and you have to call him and be like, “Where are you? I’m at Domestic!” and he’s like, “Oh no! I went to International!” Then he drops you at your hotel and says, “Ok, nice to meet you, see you at the game later where we’ll continue this ATL Experience!”

R: Golf, Daytona ridealong with Denny and Bubba’s Richard Mille 39-01 Watch

There is nothing in here that says I can’t sell this wildly expensive watch — although the donation is already over $100,000 so likely not a ton of value coming back here. Still, again, I’m racking up golf all over the country and the Daytona ridealong could be fun or terrifying or both!

R: Ultimate fan experience with All-Star Joel Embiid and the Philadelphia 76ers

I guess I’m going back to more Sixers games to sit courtside. This is a value play because you get first-class flights to Philly and courtside tickets to two games, which, along with rebounding for Embiid, makes it a pretty cool package.

K: Be on the cover of Sports Illustrated

This came as a real upset in our draft, mainly that it was picked at all, but if I had any input on art direction I’m seeing a horse on the beach at dusk, P.J. Tucker is there, holding a beachcombing metal detector, and I’m sitting on the horse, and we’re all wearing one of Tucker’s big, soft felt bolero hats looking soberly into the surf.

B: Field passes for batting practice + dinner with Aaron Judge

Again, lifelong Yankee fan here. Will use the advice I gleaned from Alex Rodriguez and my time as a junior varsity baseball player as a high school sophomore to impress Aaron Judge, who will let me take batting practice based on my telling him I got lessons from A-Rod. I will then become a Yankee. This entire exercise is unhinged please let me enjoy this.

B: Golf and dinner with Peyton Manning in your hometown

Me and Peyton Manning are gonna go golf (which I am horrible at) in lovely Parsippany, New Jersey. There used to be a chicken restaurant called Cluck U there, I would have loved to take him. Instead, we will go to Fuddruckers. There also was a Moe’s and Moe’s is the best chain burrito place so maybe we’ll go there.

K: Candace Parker game-worn sneakers

She has great style. I have no idea where I would put them.

R: Chicago Cubs gameday experience with Anthony Rizzo

Again, we’re going for value here. This one comes with tickets behind the plate, suite access, dinner, and all kinds of other perks. Seems like a lovely trip to Chicago.

R: Coin toss at NY Giants game and dinner with Eli Manning

Apparently I’ll be going to a few Giants games, but at this point we didn’t know there were a ton of other things to pick from so I took the free trip to New York and what will surely be another lovely dinner

K: Talk football with Jerry Rice and own his 1988 game ball

Granted there are too many opportunities to “talk football” with Jerry Rice in this for someone who doesn’t talk football with anybody, “Hear stories, see old pictures, and ask questions,” doesn’t specify that it has to be football related. Rice seems like a nice guy, like there are worse people to talk to, and I’m curious to see what he’d make for brunch on our Zoom call.

B: Play in the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game

Honestly this is 100 percent about practicality. We here at Dime pride ourselves on going to the NBA All-Star Weekend every year and work very hard to provide the best coverage. This is a trip there, plus hotel, plus tickets to everything, and I would get content (and the thrill of a lifetime) out of absolutely giving Dr. Oz the blues during the game. It would save Dime plenty of money to allocate elsewhere this weekend. I am a team player.

B: Experience a day in the offseason with Kyle Allen

Kyle Allen seems very nice and you get to drink wine with him while watching football, let’s cook.

K: Sit courtside and play 5-on-5 with Ben Simmons

You have to understand that this was my LAST CHOICE before we realized we missed a whole bunch of options. Basically I picked this for decent seats and a chance to smile at Kyle O’Quinn again.

R: Softball game for 50 at Dodger Stadium

The Dodgers have far too much confidence in me, here. First I have to find 50 friends to fill out softball rosters. Second, I then have to find up to 500 people to come watch this game. There will be, at most, 30 people playing and a few watching and that’s OK.

R: Ultimate Miami Hurricanes Fan Experience

I was skeptical on this until I learned you GET ONE OF THE ORIGINAL TURNOVER CHAINS. It’s worth every penny.

K: Winemaking with Dwyane Wade

Airfare seems a small price to pay to join Dwyane Wade “during the October wine-harvesting season” and revel in the harvest. You’re gonna be tasting, you’re gonna have big straw hats on, you’re gonna be dancing among the vines, you’re gonna be gently poured into a golf cart and fall asleep at your planned dinner with the Wade family.

B: Penn State Tailgating and Game with Allen Robinson

Some things: 1. I went to Penn State, 2. I went to Penn State when Allen Robinson was there, 3. I had a class with Allen Robinson while both of us were at Penn State (English 297A: Sports/Ethics/Literature) where I never interacted with him but I did interact with a few other football players in the class and they were all very nice guys, 4. This gives me an opportunity to get real reckless at a tailgate, presumably around people I know who would be mystified at the flex that is me tailgating with A-Rob. I might try to win this regardless of this silly exercise.

B: Skate And Play With The 1994 Stanley Cup NY Rangers

Don’t really care for hockey or the Rangers but playing hockey with the 1994 New York Rangers would be kinda rad.

K: Dinner And A One-Of-A-Kind Gift From WrestleMania Legend The Undertaker

Look, my game plan for the Hail Mary round was to lean the hell into experiential drafting. I’ve got no favourite matches or memories to reminisce on with the Undertaker, but I figure we could throw on some Motorhead and have a good time, talk about resiliency. End the night popping up out of garbage cans like some giggling Draculas.

R: Turks & Caicos Vacation With DeSean Jackson

Value play, as this is currently under $7,000 for a weekend trip with the family to Turks & Caicos, all expenses paid. Let’s rock.

R: Play 18 Holes With ‘The Shark’ Greg Norman

Again, I’m thrilled to take all of these golf offerings, and this one includes a round with The Shark, lessons and more.

K: Private Ice Skating Lesson with Michelle Kwan

A good opportunity to finally learn how to stop on skates, and, unfortunately, waste the time of one of the greatest athletes in the world.

B: Be a Part of Donovan Mitchell’s D.O.N. #2 Adidas Shoe Release

Donovan Mitchell is very nice!

B: Double Date With Zach And Julie Ertz – Dinner And Courtside At Sixers

This would be less of a double date and more of me, a single guy who gets way too nervous during international footy matches, picking Julie Ertz’s brain about being a world-class holding midfielder while Zach Ertz, like, eats mozz sticks or something. The Sixers game would be cool, too.

K: Private Fishing Charter With Rookie Of The Year Pete Alonso

Who is this guy? No clue. But he wants to take me fishing.

R: Las Vegas Raiders Game with CC Sabathia

CC Sabathia seems like an incredibly fun person to spend a weekend with in Las Vegas, so this is an easy choice.

R: Jarvis Landry’s Dream Season For Cleveland Browns Fans

As a Browns fan I cannot figure out if this will be incredible or absolute torture, but then again, that’s Browns fandom. It’s an incredible package, especially if the Browns are actually good for once, but if they’re like 4-7 going into Week 13 then this will be miserable. Go Browns.

K: Private Skateboarding Lesson With Tony Hawk

Gotta cross all the kinds of skating one can do off the list. Depending on what bones I’ve broken skating with Michelle Kwan, I’ll do some gnarly kick flips and push mongo into a couple more fractures.

B: TD Garden Experience With Jayson Tatum

Honestly a lot of stuff here to get flown to a place to sit courtside and watch an NBA game is all I really need. I am doing what I can to avoid experiences where travel is not included, so baby, let’s go to Boston and eat food from everything that is open in Boston after 11 p.m. (a few 7/11s and that is it).

B: Choice Of Center Ice Seats Or Suite And Auston Matthews’ Game-Used Jersey

My last time in Toronto was Game 5 of the 2019 NBA Finals, where I stood in Jurassic Park (it was nice!). You might remember it as the night Kevin Durant ruptured his achilles. I remember it as the night I went to a bar called Toby’s and saw a dude get annihilated in a fight, then he stood there after everyone left and he told passersby that he won the fight despite his mouth being filled with blood. Anyway, I forgot what I’m talking about.

K: Double Date With Russell Wilson And Ciara

One secret you can know about me is that when I hear ‘Ride’ I feel incredibly powerful and also start to cry. Ciara won’t be able to teach me those moves, because no one can move like her, but we can have a lovely dinner and talk about what it’s like to strike primal fear into the hearts of everyone who watches you dance.

R: Run Out with the LA Chargers and Play in the Annual Chargers Golf Invitational

I’m just here for the golf at Riviera.

R: Georgia Tailgate And Game Day With Todd Gurley

Todd Gurley is a very cool person and he is treated, appropriately, as a god at Georgia, so this would be incredibly fun. Also, I’m from Atlanta, so it’s a flight home.

K: Suite at SoFi Stadium and Run Out with the Los Angeles Rams

Once more, don’t know these guys, but would love the rush of running en masse down a dark tunnel together toward vibrating light and confetti and the lustful cries of thousands. Like going to heaven?

B: 1986 Team-Signed World Series Mets Jersey and NYC Baseball Games with Darryl Strawberry
B: Co-Host On CBS Sports With Tiki Barber

These two go together. Strawberry’s trip requires me lugging myself to NYC. Tiki, on the other, is paid for. So my plan is to go be A Newsman (which, potentially, could be parlayed into a career move if it goes well), then go chill with Darryl Strawberry for a while at a few baseball games and get a jersey out of it that I could sell to someone named Tony who lives in Queens and would pay $50,000 for a signed ‘86 Mets jersey.

K: Play a 3-on-3 Pick Up Game with Shaq and 4 of Your Friends

You know there’s some kind of racket involved if Shaq is, and you really do have to pay for the chance to run around with him here, but having him hoist me up to dunk in front of three of the tallest friends I’ll choose to accompany me will be great revenge.

R: Private Texas Hold ‘Em Lesson with Phil Hellmuth

Not sure I care too much about the lesson with Hellmuth, but it might be educational. Mostly, I’m always in on a Vegas trip to Aria.

R: Sideline Experience At Tennessee: Vol Walk and Lead Rocky Top

Options are dwindling at this point, so I’ll check off another SEC stadium off my list by going to a Vols game.

K: Henrik Lundqvist’s One-Of-A-Kind, Game-Used Mask

I don’t know. It was getting rough out there and if I couldn’t sell this I could make a fruit basket out of it.

B: Shane Battier Shares His Playbook For Success With Your Team Or Company

It was this or pay for a trip to Tampa to hang out with Tom Brady and I would rather do this entire exercise again than pay to go to Tampa.

Although state governments are starting to inch toward the possibility of relaxing some restrictions related to the current situation, large-scale gatherings have been deemed to be unfeasible over the coming months. San Diego Comic-Con organizers have now decided, for the first time, to cancel the summer’s annual gathering of cosplayers in the interest of flattening the curve. This development follows a recent declaration by California Governor Gavin Newsom that the continuation of “large-scale events that bring in hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of strangers” should “not be in the cards” for awhile.

This effectively puts summer events within the state on hold, including SDCC, which was scheduled for July 23-26. Variety reports that, in 2021, the event will take place from July 22-25, but you can put away the Stormtrooper costume for now. Given that the event attracts over 130,000 attendees annually, the Comic-Con International organizers cited Newsom’s recent comments:

“Recognizing that countless attendees save and plan for its conventions each year, and how many exhibitors and stakeholders rely upon its events for a major portion of their livelihood, [organizers] had hoped to delay this decision in anticipation that COVID-19 concerns might lessen by summer. Continuous monitoring of health advisories and recent statements by the Governor of California have made it clear that it would not be safe to move forward with plans for this year.”

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has likewise declared that concerts and major sporting events aren’t likely to occur until 2021. He and Newsom have been joined in their sentiments by NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio, who went ahead and cancelled all summer gatherings in the Big Apple as well. In doing so, De Blasio stressed that he wants to get people back to jobs and children into schools again, but gathering tens of thousands of people together for events is “like the exact opposite of social distancing.”

(Via Variety)

This week, Drake’s “Toosie Slide” debuted at number one on Billboard Hot 100, marking his third appearance on the summit of pop music. The moody single is notable not just because it’s a dance track unabashedly aiming for TikTok supremacy, but because grandmothers and kids are dancing to a track with lyrics like, “two hundred shooters on my brother’s block” and “Nike crossbody, got a piece in it.”

In 2020, hearing Drake drop gun references like he’s 50 Cent no longer moves the needle. America is so violent that his tough talk doesn’t register as abnormal. Our President has set the precedent that anyone can say anything they want nowadays. But it wasn’t always like this with Drake. He wasn’t always so unabashedly menacing in his music.

When he debuted in the mid-’00s as the rapper-singer from Degrassi, taking pictures in front of autumn leaves like he was Jon B, few could foresee a day where he was channeling his inner Vito Corleone on every other record, rapping about “Louie bags for body bags” and how he’ll “call up GiGi, do him up neatly.” Drake has many modes and characters he channels on the mic. Where did “Mob boss Drake” come from? Maybe we can thank Rick Ross and Common.

Eight years ago, the video for Rick Ross’ “Stay Schemin” debuted. The stellar Rich Forever single is revered for an aggrieved verse from Drake aimed at Common, who he had been beefing with over their shared attraction to Serena Williams. Common took a thinly veiled shot at him on “Sweet,” rhyming, “singing all around me man, la la la / You ain’t muthaf*cking Frank Sinatra.” He later confirmed to Sway In The Morning that the line was about Drake, noting, “he opened his mouth and said some things, so if that’s what he want — all that subliminal [talk]…you could do that too, but say it now.”

Drake said it and then some on “Stay Schemin.” Though he didn’t mention Common’s name on the Beat Bully-produced track, it was clear who he was talking to with biting lines like, “back when if a n**** reached it was for the weapon / nowadays n****s reach just to sell their record” and “you and p*ssy identical / you like the f*ckin’ finish line; we can’t wait to run into you.” The verse was widely regarded as one of the best of 2012, if not the best 16 of Drake’s career. For all of Drake’s introspection, his most memorable verse may be a diss record.

The irony of Common being the foil for Drake’s moment of truth can’t be lost on anyone with an understanding of hip-hop history. Before Drake, Common had occupied a place as an amiable, left-of-center alternative to gangsta rap who made thoughtful, introspective music. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t hold his own against the competition. On 1994’s “Used To Love H.E.R.,” where Common metaphorically framed hip-hop as a woman, he rapped “I wasn’t salty she was with the boys in the hood.” Boyz N The Hood star Ice Cube and his Westside Connection crew took offense to the line and fired back on “Westside Slaughterhouse,” which beget Common’s “B*tch In Yoo,” a scathing diss where he certified himself as an MC that’s not to be f*cked with. No one dissed him from that point on — until Drake.

And while Common had his one schoolyard dustup and went back to being a nice guy, Drake’s “Stay Schemin” takedown turned him into a bully. He wasn’t Degrassi’s Wheelchair Jimmy anymore. For a former child actor who blogger/producer Big Ghost Ltd. wrote was responsible “the most b*tchmade songs known to man,” the feeling of drawing figurative blood in a rap beef was a rush. And he wasn’t couching his superiority in just being a better rapper; he ideated himself a tough guy. Consider the following 4 bars from “Stay Schemin:”

“Spaghetti bolognese in the Polo Lounge
Me and my G from D.C., that’s how I roll around
Might look light, but we heavy though
You think Drake will pull some shit like that? You never know”

The greatest artists know that when it comes to artistic license and hip-hop’s over the top braggadocio, it’s not about what you can prove, but what you can sell. It’s fitting that “Stay Schemin” was a Rick Ross record, because Ross was then in the midst of punching through damaging allegations of being a corrections officer (a literal antithesis to his drug kingpin image) with great music that doubled down on the crime rhyme narratives.

Like Ross, Drake was grappling with identity issues that sabotaged his place in barbershop discussions — and hence his bid to join the rap pantheon. But they were devout enough students of the game to realize that all they had to do was write their way out of the criticisms. Common’s diss was timely justification for Drake to tap into his purple devil emoji energy, as were Meek Mill’s ghostwriting allegations, the late XXXTentacion saying his mother “could get it,” and Kanye West letting Pusha T’s “The Story of Adidon” get released. Who knows how “diss me and you’ll never hear a reply for it”-era Drake would have handled any of those conflicts, but mid-2010s Drake had leaned all the way into his mafioso persona to air his gripes with the rap game and assert his authority over it. “Stay Schemin” was the start of that cycle.

That’s not to say that suspending disbelief of his steely on-mic character isn’t hard when you consider that he’s the same man who got discombobulated when a woman flashed him at a show. But those who bemoan that he hasn’t yet gotten back into acting haven’t been paying attention. Today, aesthetics are everything, in any industry. One must merely look the part to dupe someone into buying into it. Drake is a multi-talented shape-shifter, capable of portraying a yearning lover or an all-powerful syndicate head, depending on what cohort he wants to indulge. Mainstream rap success is dependent on what you can sell, and he’s a master pitchman. It’s fitting that he first tapped into those skills on a track called “Stay Schemin.”

Performance Center coach Kendo Kashin was one of many WWE workers who lost their jobs this week, and he opened up about the experience to Tokyo Sports.

Kashin, whose wrestling accomplishments include work for New Japan and All Japan Pro Wrestling, started working at the PC in August 2019. Now he says he “can’t go back to Japan” after losing his job, probably because of the impact on his work visa. He told Tokyo Sports that he thinks the conditions that caused the staff cuts will affect WWE’s business ventures in Japan, which included plans to launch a third NXT brand there in 2020.

Kashin also said that he thinks he lost his job because of a previous interview he did with Tokyo Sports that ran the week before the layoffs in which he shared how Orlando was dealing with COVID-19. In the piece, he mentioned how getting coronavirus would impact him financially because he does not have health insurance, and stated that he thought a culture of wearing masks when sick and hand-washing would have decreased the spread of the virus.

Kashin also observed to Tokyo Sports that the stressful environment was causing some social issues in Orlando, mentioning that he was seeing more car crashes and that he witnessed a man being falsely arrested for breaking a window and treated roughly by the police. But he added, mentioning the “Florida man” phenomenon, that there was always a lot of weird behavior in the area, including people not using their turn signals.

The masked wrestler also shared what working life was like for Performance Center staff at the time, saying he was basically on vacation seven days a week except for one video call, which he missed.

DaBaby‘s third full-length project Blame It On Baby has arrived, but it looks like fatigue for his product has set in among fans on social media, despite the changes he’s made in response to their customer complaints. Although fans begged the Charlotte rapper to switch up his flow for a whole year, their reception to his new approach has been… let’s just say “mixed.”

While some fans are taking issue with specific bars from the song, others seem to just dislike Blame It On Baby in its entirety. However, there seems to be discrepancy in exactly why fans are trashing the album. While some have expressed disappointment with DaBaby’s new tendency to croon on more tracks than he did on his first two albums, Baby On Baby and Kirk, others have criticize his lack of growth between projects, accusing him of using the same flow.

However, some fans are defending the album, praising DaBaby for picking different-sounding beats and adding melodies to his arsenal of cadences, while acknowledging that their peers’ fickle complaints may very well have led to the problems they now have.

For what it’s worth, there seems to be a kernel of truth in each scenario. While DaBaby does add singing to many of his tracks, he also relies heavily on his usual AK-47 delivery when he isn’t crooning and while his producers employ plenty of interesting sounds and even beat switches, they stick closely to their signature collection of 808 drum kits and snare rolls that, while nearly omnipresent in pretty much all of hip-hop today, may not showcase as much variety for a rapper who’s releasing projects at a six-month clip. One thing is for sure, though: You can’t please everybody, even when you given them exactly what they think they want.

Blame It On Baby is out now on Interscope Records. Get it here.

Social distancing guidelines have been put in place by the CDC in order to discourage the congregation of large groups of people and curb the spread of the coronavirus. Because of the guidelines, nearly every summer festival and concert tour has been either postponed or canceled entirely. Taylor Swift is now the latest musician to delay her tour: Her Lover dates worldwide have been delayed.

Swift took to social media to make the announcement, writing that postponing the tour is the right decision: “I’m so sad I won’t be able to see you guys in concert this year, but I know this is the right decision. Please, please stay healthy and safe. I’ll see you on stage as soon as I can but right now what’s important is committing to this quarantine, for the sake of all of us.”

In her full statement, Swift explains she is canceling all her live appearances and rescheduling her tour:

“Fighting COVID-19 is an unprecedented challenge for our global community and the safety and wellbeing of fans should always be the top priority. Health Organizations and governments around the world have strongly discouraged large public gatherings for an undetermined period of time. With many events throughout the world already cancelled, and upon direction from health officials in an effort to keep fans safe and prevent the spread of COVID-19, sadly the decision has been made to cancel all Taylor Swift live appearances and performances this year.”

While the new tour dates have yet to be confirmed, Swift wrote that they will be announced later this year. All purchased tickets to her 2020 shows will be automatically transferred to the next date.

Read Swift’s full statement above.

The coronavirus may have canceled every single one of our favorite festivals this year, but it’s not going to come between stoners and their ability to observe 4/20. Instead, we’re all gearing up for what is bound to be one of the strangest 4/20s ever — probably the first and last time you ever light up and get high with your friends over Zoom. With the nation in disarray and folks feeling isolated and lonely, it’s going to be a memorable celebration, for better or worse. That’s really saying something for a social holiday centered around a substance that tends to make people forget.

To help you mitigate the fact that you can’t hang with your friends on the holiest of high holidays, we’re offering a special 4/20 list of our favorite THC-centric strains. Whether you dig on Indicas, Hybrids, or Sativas, there is something here for everyone who wants to de-stress and get as high as they possibly can this 4/20. Next year, with any luck, we’ll light up outside, see our friends in person, and become one with nature or whatever. This year — we’re going to get hella high, not wear pants, eat all the snacks, and watch Tiger King again.

Here are all the strongest cannabis strains for an absolutely lit 4/20.

Caviar Gold Snoogans

THC: 40.2%
CBD: 5.2%
Strain: Indica

We’re kicking things off with a bang with Caviar Gold and Kevin Smith’s Snoogans strain. Packing a whopping 40.2 percent THC, this jar of top-shelf flower dipped in a THC distillate and dusted with kief is likely one of the strongest strains you’ll ever smoke. Snoogans is definitely not for novice smokers or those prone to paranoia — it’s not a good time if you fall into those categories, but if you’re able to handle your weed you’ll appreciate the ride.

With a smooth and pleasing blackberry scent, Snoogans has a sweet taste to match which will tempt you to take in drag after drag. Be warned, when the high hits, it’ll hit hard and fast. Expect closed eye visuals and a total loss of time, even if your tolerance is high.

Check Caviar Gold’s site or Weedmaps to find a dispensary holding Snoogans near you.

Alien OG

THC: 33.6%
Strain: Indica

Though not quite as strong a high as Snoogans, Alien OG will still leave you significantly lifted with its 33.6 percent THC content. Alien OG — a crossbreed between Las Vegas Purple Kush and Alien Dawg — is leagues stronger than your average top-shelf strain. It provides a powerful body buzz that’ll leave you mostly immobile as you sink deep into your couch.

An absolute motivation killer, Alien OG has a tendency to keep me lost in my thoughts as I rode out the powerful body high, making this a great strain for those who are looking for an inward journey. Flavor-wise the strain has a distinct pepper bite.

Check Weedmaps to find Alien OG at a dispensary near you, or pick up the strain through Caliva if you’re in California.

Blue Dream

THC: 22.7%
CBD: 2%
Strain: Sativa

Blue Dream is to the 2010s what Purple Haze was to the late 60s. Sure, it can feel played out and predictable, but the strain is a classic for a reason. Fruity and fragrant, Blue Dream’s high will keep you active and full of ideas. Will they be good ideas? It doesn’t matter, you’ll think they’re good ideas in the moment. A great wake and bake strain, Blue Dream’s high is euphoric and uplifting. So it’s probably not a good idea to grab an eighth if you’re looking for a strain to help put you to bed.

Make sure you prepare some snacks beforehand because once you start to come down from the giggly high, you’ll be hit with a powerful case of the munchies. And considering Blue Dream’s tendency to indulge your weirdest ideas, if you don’t already have something on hand, you just might end up in the kitchen for hours trying to make something from scratch.

Check Weedmaps to find Blue Dream at a dispensary near you, or pick it at Med Men.

Durban Poison

THC: 24.5%
CBD: 0.1%
Strain: Sativa

Opening up a jar of fresh Durban Poison will instantly stink up your room with its pungent and earthy scent. The buds of this Sativa strain are surprisingly dense and caked with shimmering trichomes that’ll leave your fingers sticky as you break the bugs up. The dense and rich smoke this strain produces greets the palate with a wave of sweetness that gives way to a spicy after taste that’ll linger on your tastebuds long after your session is over.

The high provided me with pronounced body tingles and made me zero in on tactile sensations, making this an ideal strain for enhancing physical activities or make the most menial of tasks seem exciting.

Check Weedmaps to find Durban Poison at a dispensary near you, or pick up the strain at Med Men.

Dosilato

THC:27.2%
CBD: 1%
Strain: Hybrid

Beautiful to look at, Dosilato has rich forest green leaves flecked with brilliant orange hairs and deep purple streaks with a soothing fruity flavor that cools the throat. Dosilato is an Indica-dominant strain that produces some moderate sedation and melts stress away without leaving you feeling heavy and demotivated. After the initial peak, the high stays cerebral, giving you a clear-headed come down that won’t drag on your day.

Utilize this strain at midday or night. Dosilato feels tailored for chilling out. It doesn’t have the energizing kick of a strain like Durban Poison or Blue Dream, but its relaxing Indica attributes are ideal if your day leading up to your session was particularly stressful. 4/20 is on a Monday after all!

Check Weedmaps to find Dosilato at a dispensary near you, or pick up the strain from Kushagram.

Pie Face OG

THC: 21.1%
Strain: Hybrid

Pie Face OG is an Indica-dominant Hybrid strain that’ll have you feeling giddy and euphoric like some kind of stoner stereotype. It’s the type of strain people like Jeff Spicoli would smoke — you know, if they had super-powerful medical-grade weed in the early 80s.

A good social strain, Pie Face might be better smoked with the people in your household rather than over Zoom with your separately quarantined friends. It’ll have you on the kind of wavelength that is better shared. So even if you’re currently feuding with the people you share walls with, Pie Face will have you feeling good, chatty, and ready to laugh at the dumbest stuff together.

Check Weedmaps to find Pie Face OG at a dispensary near you or pick up the strain from Caliva, Ashe, or King’s Crew.

Fire OG

THC: 21.34%
Strain: Hybrid

Fire OG has a name that sounds like it was made up on the spot and with little to no thought. But coupled with the strains earthy brownish-green appearance weaved together with stringy red hairs and its bitter earthy burn, Fire OG’s name is more than appropriate. Although a Hybrid strain, Fire OG leans heavier on its Indica attributes resulting in a powerful body high that’ll leave you sufficiently sedated. But if you ride that out, you’ll find the comedown feels significantly easier than your typical straight Indica.

Fire OG isn’t nearly as pretty to look at as the other strains on this list. It will supply you with a powerful high that won’t take over your day like the stronger Indicas on this list.

Check Weedmaps to find Fire OG at a dispensary near you.

Riff OG

THC: 26.87%
Strain: Indica

Crafted by Ember Valley, Riff OG is a powerful top-shelf indica strain that produces a long-lasting high that’s perfect for those looking to stretch out their supply while still being able to get sufficiently out of their heads. Riff has a pleasing aroma of deep pine with crisp citrus notes that cut through and produce a smooth smoke that’s easy on the throat and won’t leave you with the desperate need for a glass of water.

Riff is heavy with kief with a few orange hairs sprouting out from emerald green buds. It’s surprisingly easy to break up with just your fingers. I’d recommend skipping the grinder on this one, even if you’re planning on rolling this up. Though the hand-cut will work better for something like a blunt rather than a joint.

Check Weedmaps to find Riff OG at a dispensary near you, or pick up the strain from Caliva.

During the pandemic, Charli XCX has decided to make the most of her self-isolation by getting more social than ever. In recent weeks, she has been collaborating with her fans over social media on a new album, How I’m Feeling Now. The first fruit of that joint effort, “Forever,” was recently released. Not long after the song came out, Charli yet again sought her fans’ help, as she asked them to submit clips for possible inclusion in a video for the song. Now, about a week later, Charli has shared the “Forever” video.

As expected, the video compiles fan-submitted clips, and this method of making the video works to great effect here. The clip serves as a sort of time capsule of this self-isolation era, as it shows people across the world living their lives at home, appreciating time spent with those they care about, and even getting out of the house sometimes. The sorts of clips Charli asked for during the initial “casting call” seemed like a random mix, but with faced-paced and clever editing, the video is ultimately more than the mere novelty stunt something like this had the potential to be.

Watch the “Forever” video above.

How I’m Feeling Now is out 5/15.

Charli XCX is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.