The Dallas Cowboys have a new signal caller on their roster. According to Adam Schefter of ESPN, former Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton has opted to return to his home state, agreeing to a one-year deal with Dallas worth $7 million.

Dalton was born and raised in Katy, Texas before a decorated collegiate career at TCU. The Cincinnati Bengals used a second-round pick on him during the 2011 NFL Draft, and while he started 133 games for the franchise during his time in Ohio, the Bengals opted to cut him after they drafted Joe Burrow No. 1 overall in the 2020 NFL Draft.

Still only 32 and a three-time Pro Bowl selection, Dalton has completed 62 percent of his passes during his NFL career, accruing more than 31,000 passing yards and 204 touchdowns to 118 interceptions. It seems extremely unlikely that Dalton would usurp the starting job from Dak Prescott in Dallas, but in the event that he needs to step in due to some sort of Prescott absence, Dalton is as good of a backup as there is in the NFL. And on the subject of Prescott, Ian Rapoport of NFL Network stressed that getting Dalton has nothing to do with the ongoing contract negotiations between Prescott and the franchise.

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Elephants are chillaxing in tea gardens after getting sloshed on corn wine and wolves are racing against cars on city streets. To quote the meme, “wildlife is returning,” no longer scared off by the loud and disruptive flow of our typical human society. It’s natural law, turned on its head, and so you almost can’t blame 42-year-old Richard McGuire for believing that he too could claim a seemingly abandoned space, making it his temporary home and a place where he could camp and live his best solitude during quarantine. If you’re Walt Disney World, however, you apparently can blame him. And you can press charges. Trespassing: it’s still a thing.

According to the Associated Press, McGuire got arrested Thursday after trying to occupy the long-abandoned spot in the Orlando, Florida based theme park where Treasure Island (later renamed Discovery Island) previously resided; an 11-acre island visible from The Contemporary resort in Bay Lake. Previously, the island was used as a bird sanctuary with snack stands and walking tours for visitors. It closed down in 1999, though, and glimpsing unauthorized footage of the island from a few years ago makes it seem as though McGuire wasn’t exactly kicking it in paradise, even though that’s what he thought it was when he discovered it on Monday or Tuesday, according to the arrest report.

Buildings have crumbled and been overrun by nature. It’s creepy and endlessly interesting. Insider ran a thing on it last year (with screenshots from the aforementioned footage) and noted that while the island may be abandoned, Disney definitely keeps a watchful eye on it and doesn’t seem keen to let people step inside. Especially in the time of ‘rona.

How McGuire made landfall is a curiosity (one of many!). Did he hike through the massive, locked-down Disney World compound before seeing what he perceived to be Shangri la by happenstance? A Disney official did comment to the AP that they’d seen him using one of their boats at one point on Thursday, so there’s also that. As you’d imagine, signs are said to be abound, telling people to keep out and authorities apparently used a megaphone trying to warn the interloper that he was on private property — but he was having a nap. Legend.

This is all very serious, of course. But while creatives wrestle with which stories to tell and how to focus art once the COVID crisis is over, I absolutely want to call this one out. Let’s see Danny McBride play some chill, good times seeking dude who tries to start an island nation of one in the middle of a theme park. We deserve that much.

Source: AP

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Horse racing is still happening in some places despite the sports world largely on pause due to COVID-19, but racing’s biggest events — the three that make up the Triple Crown — will not go on as scheduled. The Kentucky Derby is scheduled to run on the first Saturday in September, not the first Saturday in May. But in its place on Saturday ran a virtual Derby consisting of 13 horses that went on to win the Triple Crown.

That race aired on NBC Saturday, with Secretariat unsurprisingly taking the digital crown.

Unlike iRacing, in which pro drivers are tackling a virtual version of digitally-mapped NASCAR tracks in real time, this virtual Kentucky Derby is largely simulations based on data algorithms and handicapping information to make a historical comparison between the horses. It was also a great way to keep tradition alive in a time where hosting a Derby in a packed Churchill Downs is simply impossible.

“The Kentucky Derby: Triple Crown Showdown” will follow the broadcast of the 2015 Kentucky Derby. The virtual race will be using data algorithms and historical handicapping information about each horse to determine the probability of each of their potential finishing positions.

Here are the full race results, if you need them.

Congratulations to Secretariat, who just can’t stop winning even though he died in 1989.

I want this pimple gone, like, yesterday.

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It must be so hard to quarantine in a mansion.

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“Nobody is cancelling Rose Byrne on my watch!”

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Several tweets went viral that falsely claimed the CDC had drastically revised down the number of deaths in the US from the coronavirus — but it seems some people didn’t read to the end of the page.

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