With the COVID-19 pandemic still on the rise, the sports world remains on indefinite hiatus. Not only has it put the current seasons in jeopardy, it will have all sorts of future implications. For many up-and-coming players who were anticipating their college and NBA debuts next season, uncertainty abounds.

Amid all the craziness, we’re seeing some prospects take unorthodox routes to the next level. Top recruit, Jalen Green, for instance, announced last week that he was skipping college and entering the G-League. Green is expected to be one of the top picks in the 2021 Draft, and his choosing this route could pave the way for future top picks and have implications for the NCAA.

On Tuesday, Dwyane Wade’s son, Zaire, announced that he was also taking a somewhat unconventional path. Instead of committing to college, he’s decided to take a post-graduate year at Brewster Academy.

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Told em it’s another route , ima take the other way #NextStep

A post shared by (@zaire) on Apr 21, 2020 at 9:51am PDT

Wade finished his high school career at Sierra Canyon, where he played alongside Bronny James. The three-star prospect reportedly had scholarship offers from Toledo, DePaul, and Rhode Island, and his deferment will allow him to explore the possibility of a route through college basketball after next season.

This year’s NFL Draft class is headlined by quarterbacks and wide receivers, the two glamour positions of football in 2020. A great passing attack is vital to success in 2020, and teams will have ample opportunity to improve that part of their offense thanks to the strength at the top (and, with receivers, throughout the draft) at those spots.

However, a passing attack can’t reach its potential without a strong offensive line, and luckily for teams, this year’s offensive line group is very solid, with four players at the top that all have top-10 potential at tackle. Tackle has long been a coveted position, as they are tasked with keeping the $100 million quarterbacks upright, and this year there are some serious freaks available. We’re going to look at the various tiers of linemen available in this year’s class, with sure-fire first rounders, a pair of strong interior lineman, Day 2 options, and some Wild Cards that could sneak up boards and maybe hear their names called on Thursday night.

Tier 1

Tristan Wirfs: The hyper-athletic Wirfs figures to be the latest long-time NFL starting tackle to come out of Iowa. At 6’5, 320 with 34 inch arms and 10.25 inch hands, he has prototypical size, and he blew the Combine out of the water with a jaw-dropping performance. His tape is strong, and he can do it all from the tackle spot. He uses his long arms to disrupt pass rushers, has the quickness to kick out to speed rushers and the balance and strength to deal with inside moves. He’s strong in the run game as well, and can be an anchor for years to come for some team in the top 10.

Mekhi Becton: Becton may have the funniest film of any offensive lineman in this class. A mammoth of a human, Becton uses all of his 6’7, 364 pound frame to overwhelm opponents with ease. But unlike most gargantuan tackles, Becton mixes size with athleticism — his 5.10-second 40 at the combine turned heads, while he is not clumsy by any stretch of the imagination, even if he can certainly stand to polish his technique at the pro level. That’s not to say he is a gigantic work in progress, he just has room to improve. With his unreal strength and impressive athleticism, that’s a horrifying proposition.

Jedrick Wills: Another top-10 caliber prospect, Wills was dominant for Alabama from his right tackle position. He’s not quite as big as Wirfs (and certainly smaller than Becton), but he’s an elite technician, which should be no surprise given Alabama’s pedigree. Wills has elite-level footwork and has the quick hands to match. He’s a great puncher and rarely gets out of position or off balance. Another guy that’s talented in pass pro and moving downhill, who could hear his name called very early.

Andrew Thomas: Teams that want to run the football but need offensive line help should may be wise to have the former Georgia standout No. 1 on the board. Don’t get fooled by his 21 bench press reps at the combine, Thomas’ power is special. His punch and ability to blend scary upper and lower body strength are a dangerous blend, while he plays with a mean streak that few can match. We’ll see what his best position is — i.e. whether or not he can handle quick pass rushers well enough to play left tackle (he certainly has the talent to do this) — but he is as safe of an offensive line prospect as you will find.

Tier 2

Cesar Ruiz: Cesar Ruiz is perhaps the top interior lineman available in 2020, and the three-year Michigan starter has a lot to offer. Though he isn’t blessed with overwhelming measurements, Ruiz has strong pedigree as a former top-50 recruit and he played to that level in Ann Arbor. It would be fair to note that he wasn’t dominant early in his final college season as a junior, but Ruiz improved steadily during the campaign. When taking into account the fact that Ruiz is quite young, it is easy to see his upside, even at a position that is often overlooked. He might not be a first rounder, but, if a contending team is in need of a strengthening presence up the middle, Ruiz would make a lot of sense as a player that can help immediately and progress from there.

Lloyd Cushenberry III: The man in the middle at LSU is the other top interior lineman in this year’s class, who could hear his name called late on Thursday or early on Friday. LSU’s offensive line is probably underrated given what they did to allow Joe Burrow and that offense to shine last season, and Cushenberry was in the middle, handling line calls and making sure he kept a clean pocket for Burrow to step up into. He’s not a behemoth, but he’s got ample size and his football IQ from dealing with that Joe Brady offense is a major asset to come in and be an impact player early in the NFL from the center or guard position.

Tier 3

Josh Jones: The boom or bust prospect in this offensive line class. Jones looks the part of a franchise left tackle — he comes in at 6’5, 319 pounds — and the times where he blends that size with some impressive athleticism are breathtaking. On the other side of the coin, there are times where it looks like he’s never been coached up, and he absolutely needs some time to refine his technique. A redshirt year would be in his best interest, especially as he makes the jump from a Group of 5 school where he wasn’t exactly going against the nation’s scariest pass rushers every week.

Lucas Niang: The big question on Niang is how his medicals looked after suffering a hip injury that ended his senior season early, but if teams are convinced that’s OK, this is a strong right tackle with excellent athletic ability. Another TCU guy that could hear his name called in the first two days of the draft, Niang’s biggest obstacle might be the inability during this process for teams to bring him in for workouts and medicals.

Prince Tega Wanogho: Get ready for the “he started as a basketball player and only took up football to stay in shape” stories on draft day, but it’s part of what makes him intriguing. He’s still a pretty raw talent, with excellent athletic abilities who an OL coach might see as someone they can shape into their vision. Starting 20 games in the SEC while still learning the finer points of playing left tackle tells you a lot about the talent here, and it wouldn’t be a surprise to see someone take him Day 2 with the idea that he can continue to tap into that athletic potential.

Jonah Jackson (G): An interesting prospect, who finished his career with one season starting at guard for Ohio State after a career at Rutgers, and that’s noticeable in his build. He’s not as polished a physical product as you’d expect from an Ohio State prospect, but that could offer even further room for growth if a team likes the skillset he has now as an All-Big Ten performer. Better in pass pro than going downhill, but more time in elite weight rooms might turn this kid into a beast.

Tier 4

Saahdiq Charles: It’s amazing we’ve gotten to the point where the 6’4, 321 pound guy has questions about whether he’s big and strong enough, but that’s the NFL. Charles was the left tackle at LSU last year and, as mentioned with Cushenberry, that group didn’t get enough credit for keeping Burrow clean all year. There are the strength questions with him and he missed six games for disciplinary reasons, which surely came up in interviews, but he’s got excellent feet and has positional versatility having played both tackle spots and pinched in at guard some as a freshman.

Matt Hennessy (G): Pour yourself a snifter, it’s Hennessy time. The Temple product is a smart, technically sound football player who is quite good at putting himself in positions to win battles against opposing defensive linemen. His frame — 6’4, 307 pounds and without a condor-like wingspan — screams interior offensive lineman, and while there are concerns about whether he has the strength to ever overpower opposing defensive tackles, he can usually make up for that by knowing exactly what he needs to do. Older brother, Thomas, is a long-snapper for the Jets.

Wild Cards

Austin Jackson: There is first round buzz about the USC tackle as he’s got a prototypical frame and raw abilities that at times pop on film. Like just about every USC prospect, the question is about consistency in technique, but there’s a chance he gets his name called on Thursday due to the measurables and athletic gifts.

Isaiah Wilson: There is no functional difference between Wilson stonewalling someone and getting hit by a train. He is a monster, coming in at 6’6 and 350 pounds, and has the kind of raw power that will take your breath away. The issue is he is mostly raw power right now — his technique isn’t particularly stellar, while he doesn’t have the skillset to be much of a left tackle and keep a QB upright in passing situations. The raw power is something, though, and with time and proper coaching, a run-heavy team could get quite the return on investment at right tackle.

Ben Bartch: The St. John’s (Minn) product has a story many heard at the Combine, as he’s the guy that drinks the disgusting smoothies to gain weight. The former tight end packed on the pounds to become a tackle and still has some room on his 6’6 frame for more. He’s got tons of athletic ability, and despite coming from a small school he’s someone you could see a team falling in love with during the process — although he might be one of those hurt most by the lack of in person workouts this year.

When Tom Brady chose to sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, they immediately became a hot destination for offensive free agents. They also became a potential fit for a certain recently retired tight end who has been in Florida with the WWE.

Reports of Rob Gronkowski’s interest in the Bucs began a few weeks back, but on Tuesday they picked up steam in the form of just about every mainstream reporter offering insight into trade discussions between New England and Tampa Bay. Not long after that smoke formed, we got word from ESPN’s Adam Schefter that a deal was, indeed, done, and the Bucs would acquire Gronk and a seventh round pick for their fourth round selection in this weekend’s draft.

It reunites Gronk with Brady, the only quarterback he’s ever been willing to play with — he famously vetoed a trade to Detroit a few years back ahead of the Draft by threatening to retire. It also make O.J. Howard expendable for the Bucs, who could move him this week to make up even more draft capital as they look to make themselves into a contender immediately. The fourth round pick for Gronk is actually a pretty good return for New England, considering he has no trade value for anyone else since he is retired, but the Bucs are here to make Brady happy and giving him his greatest security blanket of all time is a good way to do that.

How this impacts Gronk’s run as WWE 24/7 Champion remains to be seen, however, there are a few possibilities.

1. Gronk must drop the 24/7 Belt
2. Gronk defends the belt on off days, Rodman style
3. The 24/7 belt gets passed around the NFL based on who tackles and (as such) pins whoever holds the belt.

Let’s hope for the third option.

These are trying times for everyone. Especially true for… gah, just about everyone who isn’t rich, at this point. The hospitality industry has been flat-out decimated. Try as these businesses might to stay afloat, without the communal aspect intact, things are freaking rough. While many of our favorite independent bars and restaurants remain open for pickup or delivery, they’re struggling to make up the revenue they’d normally get with customers filing in.

Local breweries and taprooms are no exception. According to the Brewer’s Association, breweries are doing so poorly that a recent poll of 455 breweries in 49 states found that 46% of those polled said they’d be forced to close their doors for good within the next three months unless the shutdown ends. This is why it’s extremely important to support your local breweries to whatever degree you can afford. Stop in, grab a six-pack (or three), buy some swag and gift cards for future use. Literally anything helps.

Many of our favorite bartenders are struggling as well, but that hasn’t stopped them from supporting their local breweries. We gave them a chance to shout out their friends, favorite brewers, and neighborhood spots.

Santa Monica Brew Works

Piero Procida, bartender at The London West Hollywood in Los Angeles

Santa Monica Brew Works is a favorite of mine. I believe you can immediately taste the difference in quality when something is local and crafty, versus a large-scale mass-produced beer claiming they are still craft. Santa Monica Brew Works is popular out here and quickly gaining notoriety but still small enough that they focus on quality of product. All their different beers are amazing. I don’t think there is one I don’t like. I support them because when locals are out here, they want to try something that represents them and where they are from. It’s a pride thing. I think when people taste this beer and discover how easy it is to drink, they truly garner a great appreciation for it. People are overwhelmed with the many types of beers out there now so even though they may not have tasted it, it still draws a certain comfort in knowing the beer is from where they are from.

Grimm Ales

Jordan David Smith, spirits director and head bartender at HALL in New York City

I’ve been a big fan of Grimm (Brooklyn, NY) since I first moved to New York, what feels like a lifetime ago (it’s been eight years – New York will do that to you). It’s a husband and wife team who started as homebrewers, then brewed nomadically, and were able to open a brewery and taproom in the eastern end of Williamsburg, and they’re some of the nicest and most talented yet down-to-earth people you’ll ever meet. They brew everything from adjunct-laden hyper-rich imperial stouts that I drink year-round like the crotchety old man I am to ethereally delicate softly floral sours. They also often host local artists in their taproom and frequently collaborate with other businesses and causes in the greater community.

Nightshift Brewery

James Arensault, director of food & beverage at Harbor View Hotel on Martha’s Vineyard

Nightshift Brewery, known for doing events and promotions for charities and causes (specifically for women). I’m also supporting Trillium brewery, one of the fastest-growing breweries in the New England area. Another pick is Notch Brewery, not a great reason just a fan of the staff and their sessions. Devils Purse, summer selection is awesome (it’s a kolsch). I guess I’m supporting a few during these strange times.

Tola Brewery

Everson Rawlings, mixologist at Scrub Island Resort Spa and Marina in the British Virgin Islands

Our local brewery Tola Brewery has recently opened, and we have not had the opportunity to do a proper sampling. However, this will be one of my first stops after our 24-hour lockdown is lifted. We always try to support local brands as their products are fresh, accessible and we can form face to face relationships with the brand owners/managers.

Legion Brewing

Scott Daniel, bartender at The Ballantyne in Charlotte, North Carolina

We always look to feature local beer on the majority of our taps in our Gallery, Ryal and Outdoor Pool bars, and appreciate the prominence of Charlotte’s brewing culture. Our Gallery Beer Dinner series has been a big hit with our patrons, as our chefs have collaborated with the likes of Legion Brewing, Wicked Weed and Olde Mecklenburg Brewery to produce wonderful pairing experiences.

Remedy Brewing

Zac Johnson, general manager with JJ’s Wine, Spirits, and Cigars in Sioux Falls, South Dakota

I try to support them all because Sioux falls is a tight-knit community and we all know each other. We do have some really good relationships with Remedy and WoodGrain, having done several barrel-aged collaborations with them, but we try to keep at least one beer from everyone in town on tap at all times.

Service Brewing

Brandon Carter, Chef at FARM in Bluffton, South Carolina

What local breweries am I supporting during these strange times? Service and River Dog are our favorites. Great people and great beers. It’s important to support your local breweries. They need it now more than ever.

New Belgium Brewing

Sebastien Derbomez, brand advocacy manager of William Grant & Sons

I moved to Denver more than a year ago and there are so many options out there! Right now, I support New Belgium Brewing, Avery Brewing and Hogshead Brewing purveyor of cask-conditioned ales — mostly because I simply enjoy their beer selection but I’m always up to try something new. And I often add a back of Tullamore D.E.W. to pair with my beer selection to make the perfect boilermaker.

Tank Brewing Company

Hayden Miller, head bartender at Bodega Taqueria y Tequila in South Beach, Florida

The Tank Brewing Co is on our handle at Bodega and I think they are putting out great stylistic representations across the board. Their La Playita Pils is a refreshing, crisp beer that hits the spot for me no matter what. If you want to pair with a heavier food, Farito IPA has what it takes.

Wynwood Brewing

Nicole Quist, beverage director at Bartaco in Aventura, Florida

Our beer menu is small + we’re proud to say almost entirely local. Love Wynwood Brewing and Veza Sur. It’s really important to us at Bartaco to support our local communities and we are proud to partner with these two at Aventura, with their own strong ties to Miami. I could crush a Wynwood La Rubia Blonde Ale or Veza Sur Spanglish Lager with a baja fish taco right now.

If nothing below suits your sensibilities, check out our guide to What You Should Watch On Streaming Right Now.

Middleditch & Schwartz (Netflix series) — The streaming giant’s continuing with this year’s stellar lineup of Tuesday-released comedy specials, and there’s a super-sized batch landing today. Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz’s two-man comedy show will feature in three new completely improvised Netflix comedy specials, including Dream Job, Law School Magic, and Parking Lot Wedding. Get ready for tales of an existential crisis, a robbery-gone-wrong, and a bit of magic.

Cooked with Cannabis (Netflix series) — Technically, this show dropped on 4/20, but considering how this year is going, it’s gotta still be 4/20 somewhere, right? Move your cannabis game past pot brownies and marijuana cookies while watching top chefs compete to get “baked” in more elaborate ways.

Empire (FOX, 9:00 p.m.) — The Bossyfest launch is upon us, with Cookie reflecting upon how far she’s come and Lucious unable to resist his attraction to Cookie.

For Life (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) — Aaron’s doing the social crusade thing while moving towards becoming an attorney and flashing back to his nine-year incarceration.

The Last O.G. (TBS, 10:30 p.m.) — Josh wants to be the cool dad, so he’s naturally jealous of Tray taking Shahzad to his first basketball game with courtside seats.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon — Halle Berry, Russell Westbrook, Meghan Trainor

The Late Late Show With James Corden — Ray Romano, Melanie C

The Daily Show With Trevor Noah — Noah’s reporting live from his couch, and naturally, the subject of the night will be the ongoing pandemic and social distancing.

Everyone loves a good love story. And when we witness an example of love that endures through everything—even death—it hits us right in our deepest human feely spots.

Ken is a 94-year-old resident of Thistleton Lodge, a retirement and assisted-living facility in Lancashire, England. When a caregiver noticed that he slept with a photograph of Kia, his late wife of 75 years who had also lived in the facility, she decided to surprise him with a gift—a pillow with Kia’s face on it.

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Having something soft to embrace with his wife’s image on it brought Ken to tears—along with everyone else.

The video has gone viral, being shared across multiple media outlets. And when you watch, it’s not hard to see why. This is sheer humanity right here. True love that lasts a lifetime is a beautiful thing, and to see it in its purest form is truly a sight to behold. Pass the tissues, please.

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Rob Gronkowski famously retired from football at the age of 29. It wasn’t a huge surprise in that rumors had existed for years that Gronkowski’s body was struggling due to the beating he took on the football field, but it was still eyebrow-raising that a player as talented as him retired before he hit the age of 30.

Due to his age, rumors have followed Gronkowski for some time about a possible return to football, although he has shot them down throughout his retirement, instead deciding to do things like agreeing to a deal with WWE. But in an interview with Andy Cohen on Monday night, Gronkowski opened the door to a possible return to football, saying “you just never know.”

It turns out that might have been foreshadowing some plans. Ian Rapoport of NFL Network reported that Gronkowski indicated to the New England Patriots that he is interested in a return to football. The catch: He wants to do it alongside Tom Brady, who is now a member of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

As Rapoport mentioned, the Patriots would need to trade Gronkowski to Tampa Bay, but this seems to indicate the wheels are in motion on some sort of a deal. The report was confirmed by Adam Schefter of ESPN, who says that the two sides are in the midst of trade talks.

Perhaps this should not be a huge surprise, as a report from late last week indicated that the Bucs were shopping around current starting tight end O.J. Howard. Brady and Gronkowski won three Super Bowls with one another in New England, while the Buccaneers acquired Brady this offseason via free agency.

Clearly, the favorite food of quarantine 2020 is bread. Sourdough, in specific. Dalgona coffee has had a good run too. But beans are the real food MVP of this pandemic. In a time when people are anxious about their health, worried about money, and have extra hours to spend in the kitchen, the ability of beans to be comforting, bone cheap, and incredibly tasty all at once can’t be denied.

Red, black, kidney, pinto, Roman, soy… Beans — as Peggy Olson once showed us — are form, affordability, and function combined. Everything we need right now. To be fair, they were everything we needed before the quarantine too. Most Indigenous cultures in the Americas treat beans as a staple, and the current maker-movement has been reminding people of their wonders for the past few years with long odes to the legume’s infinite iterations.

With the quarantine dragging on, Zach Johnston and I decided to share whatever bean wisdom we’ve got. Zach came through with a recipe that looks like it will take you until the end of the shutdown to complete (it’s actually pretty quick, I tried!), and I add in a few tips as someone whose overarching bean philosophy is “this needs to be one the table and in my mouth in 25 minutes or so.” Regardless of which approach you take, you probably won’t screw your dinner up. No matter how many times you accidentally let the beans get scalded to the bottom of the pan. And that enormous margin for error, in this time when life feels balanced on a razor’s edge, is yet another testament to the bean itself.

Zach’s Louisiana Style Pork and Beans

I’m using the term “Louisiana” very loosely here. What I am doing is a sort of Cajun-inspired bean dish that has the hallmarks of the Big Easy cooking ways: Bell peppers in the mirepoix, quasi-Cajun spice mix in the base, and fatty, unctuous pork with the beans.

This recipe is not vegan by any stretch. But I have made a vegan version many times. I simply replace the chicken stock with vegetable stock and skip the pork shank. It’s still delicious and versatile. This is also a fairly low-impact recipe. Once you’ve made the base for the beans to cook, it goes into a low temp oven for a slow simmer. That means you’ll need about 20 to 40 minutes (depending on searing off a pork shank) to get this started and the rest of the time is just oven time.

This recipe will also feed you for a week. I ended up having beans and rice in some form for lunch pretty much every day with this recipe. To keep it interesting, I’d change up things slightly each day, but more on that later.

Ingredients:

Here’s your shopping list:

• Two-pound pork shank (unbrined with skin on)
• One-pound dried pinto beans
• One carrot
• One yellow onion
• One stalk of celery
• One bell pepper
• Tube of tomato paste
• Olive oil
• One tsp. cumin
• One tsp. garlic powder
• One tsp. smoked paprika
• One tsp. dried oregano
• One tsp. dried thyme
• Two fresh bay leaves
• Salt and pepper
• 4 cups chicken stock

Prep:

There are only two steps to prep for this meal. The night before you cook, you’re going to want to soak your beans. I place them in a mixing bowl and cover with enough water so that the beans can double in size and still be in the water. I then cover the bowl with a dinner plate. This helps the beans hydrate which lowers the cooking time later but also allows the beans to maintain their structural integrity when you do cook them.

You can skip this step but it’ll just take way longer to cook your beans and they’ll likely start to fall apart by the time they are cooked. I sometimes use a sped-up version of soaking beans. I’ll boil a kettle of water and then pour that over the beans and let them soak two to four hours, covered with a dinner plate. I’ve experienced the same results as soaking overnight with this method.

Next, get your mirepoix ready by dicing the celery, onion, bell pepper, and carrot. You don’t need to be exact here but it should be a fairly small dice. That’s literally it on the prep.

Cook:

The first thing you want to do is get a nice sear on the pork shank. I heat up a few glugs of olive oil in a heavy-bottomed stockpot on high heat. I’m using a 5l (1.3 gallons) pot that’s both stovetop and oven safe. Once the oil is shimmering, I place the pork shank in, flesh side down. I then sear off all sides. This takes a bit of time, maybe three to four minutes per side. But what you’re doing is creating a lovely fond on the bottom of the pot that’ll layer in flavor to the overall dish.

Next, I lower the heat to medium and I get my mirepoix into the pot. I salt and move around the mirepoix with a wooden spoon, bringing up all that fond into the veg.

Once the mirepoix is translucent and softened (about five to seven minutes), I add in the spices and about half a tube of tomato paste. I move that around on the bottom of the pot to release the aromatics and then mix into the mirepoix.

I then drain the beans and add them to the pot with the chicken stock. I mix everything well with the wooden spoon, add the bay leaves, and taste the soup for seasoning. I add a few cranks from a pepper mill and a pinch of salt. I then bring the pork shank back to the pot.

I cover the pot and place it in a pre-heated oven on around 275f-300f. I leave it alone for two hours until it looks like this…

I fish the pork shank out, skim the access fat, and give the beans a good stir. They should be fork-tender, still have their skins, and ready to eat. But first, we need to de-bone, skin, and chop our pork.

The meat should fall off the bone and out of the skin with little effort. I cut one-inch cubes, remove any sinew or gristle, and slice up a few cubes of the fatty skin to add back into the beans.

I cover that and let it rest for a solid 15 minutes.

While that’s resting, I make some rice. I used some Jasmine rice I had on hand. Nothing fancy — just white rice. Put about two cups of rinsed rice in a pot, add enough chicken stock to cover an inch above the rice, put a lid on, bring to a simmer, lower heat to the lowest setting, wait. Ten or so minutes later the liquid should be gone. Turn heat off, fluff rice with a fork, let rest another ten minutes with the lid on. Fluff again with a fork, serve.

Serve:

The beans have a great depth of flavor with a fresh edge thanks to the mirepoix. They’re tender with an umami-bomb base. The pork shank is a nice additional layer of protein and fat but, again, you can go vegan with this and it’ll still be great. Initially, I served this with a few Cajun-fried shrimp (I used this recipe). I’ve also served it as a simple bowl of rice and beans with a little hit of hot sauce. But I’d have to say my favorite presentation of this dish was as a burrito. I simply warmed up a flour tortilla, whipped up some guacamole, and added some shredded cheddar and jack. I made sure to get a couple of nice morsels of pork meat and fat in there and voila, a great pork and bean burrito for lunch!

Steve’s Beans

To be clear, this isn’t a UPROXX-sanctioned cooking battle. Mostly because I don’t really have a recipe for you. I just have a story. About beans.

Down in Costa Rica there is this product. Lizano beans, sold by the packet. They come in little ziplock pouches and sell for a few bucks at literally every market you’ll ever visit.

They are amazing. Famous for sustaining the local population and every single surfer who enters the country. Go on a surf trip in Costa Rica and you’ll probably eat these, wrapped in a tortilla with some avo and hot sauce, twice daily. Hell, three times.

But they don’t export them to the US or have them made at their factories here. And shipping rates from Amazon or sites like TicoShopping are guaranteed to double the cost. If they ever did release them for the American market, the demand would certainly be there. I’ve heard plenty of stories of surfers filling board bags with them before returning to their home countries. At my wedding, a friend who flew up from Costa Rica revealed that his entire gift was in the form of these beans — 50 packets — but they were taken at customs. Had it not been such a special day, I would have been devastated.

As far as I can tell, there are two secret ingredients that make Lizano beans — both the black and red varieties — so delightful. Those ingredients are:

Lard. And the easy-to-get-in-the-states:

Lizano salsa.

So that’s secret #1. Use those two things. Trust me, imitating Lizano beans is the lane you want to be in. With those ingredients in place, here’s my down and dirty/ “I’m not going to the store today” recipe:

Ingredients:

• Some beans. White, pinto, red, cassoulet, black, etc. I usually use pinto or black.
• Some onions. Purple or white.
• Some garlic. Fresh, pre-roasted, or powder — depending on the strength you want.
• Some meat. I used bacon and chorizo above. Deli turkey and ham also work. Polish sausage. Any meat, really, though I rarely use beef.
• Some bone-based stock. I use chicken or turkey. Beef would be great and pork would be wonderfully gluttonous.
• Some herbs. I use oregano and cilantro from my garden. This takes things pretty Tex-Mex, which I like. Chives or shallots would work for more southern-style beans.
• Some seasoning. A little taco seasoning perhaps. Or just cumin, salt, pepper, and paprika. I sometimes use seasoning salt or celery salt. You’re building the flavor profile, so pay attention to this part. You don’t need much of anything. And remember: In reduction-based recipes, the seasoning is going to be amped up as the dish reduces. Don’t “season to taste” until the very end. Besides, you’ve already layered a lot of flavor in and the Lizano pretty much does the trick on its own.
• Some alcohol — usually two glugs of hard liquor and four glugs of beer. Bourbon and rum are sweeter. Tequila and beer are more in the “borracho beans” lane. All very good options. Don’t use vodka.
• Some tomato element. Paste works and adds some tartness. Taco sauce works for more Mexican-style beans. Ketchup combines vinegar, tomato, and sweetness for more southern-style beans.
• Some sugar element (optional). Honey or maple syrup in the southern US. Or try agave nectar if you already used tequila. Go easy here.

Here’s another riff:

I guess I put the onions in last here. It’s nice to brown them beforehand, but clearly not essential. Nothing is really essential except for the beans, the lard, the onions, and the broth.

Prep:

• Sometimes I used canned beans. Sometimes I soak my own. It’s hard to tell which is better when they’re in a burrito, though I do like soaked better over rice because they’re less likely to break apart.
• Put the stuff in the pot.

Cook:

• Until they’re done. To your liking. If you cook until the broth is reduced away and they’re not soft enough, add more broth.

This is terrible of me but I don’t think I have a picture of my completed beans. I usually snip some cilantro over them and roll them into a burrito. They’re perfect. And though my recipe has never been recreated the same way twice, I’d be happy to challenge the beans of any other aficionado. I might not win, but I’d probably be close. Not because I’m some miracle chef, but because beans are easy to do passably well.

So make some. God knows, nothing is easy right now, let these be the thing.

Comedy Bang Bang fans know Lauren Lapkus as Traci Reardon, and Scott’s nephew Todd, and the Sunny to Paul F. Tompkins’ Chazmin, and Ho Ho the naughty elf, and about 50 other characters. She’s also the host of podcasts With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus and Newcomers with Nicole Byer, and has appeared in Jurassic World, Orange Is the New Black, and Adventure Time. Soon, she’ll make her first foray into the Happy Madison-verse, and considering how popular those movies are on Netflix, she’s also about to become a lot more famous. You can say you knew Lauren Lapkus back when (“when” equals “singing the America’s Funniest Home Videos theme as Regina Crimp”).

The Wrong Missy stars David Spade as a guy who meets the girl of his dreams, Missy (in classic Happy Madison style, she’s a former-Miss Maryland winner), who he invites on a corporate retreat to Hawaii. But it turns out he accidentally texts the wrong Missy, played by Lapkus, who joins him instead. Does a shark get punched in a face? Does David Spade dress up as a mermaid? Does he also have a threesome with Lapkus and Sarah Chalke from Scrubs? The answer to all three is… wait, is that Rob Schneider?

Here’s the official plot description.

When Tim Morris meets his dream girl and their relationship quickly escalates through texts, he throws caution to the wind and invites her to his company’s corporate retreat on an island resort… However, when a past blind date from hell shows up at the airport for the weekend getaway instead, he learns too late that he’s been texting “The Wrong Missy.”

The Wrong Missy premieres on Netflix on May 13.