It was all of yesterday WHEN we suggested that Timothée Chalamet should play the Tony Montana role in Luca Guadagnino’s Scarface reboot. Word must have gotten to Dune director Denis Villeneuve (directors love fan-casting), because during an interview with Empire, the Arrival filmmaker compared Timmy to another Al Pacino character.

In Dune, Chalamet plays Paul Atreides, a character previously portrayed by Kyle MacLachlan in David Lynch’s 1984 adaptation of Frank Herbert’s novel. “Paul has been raised in a very strict environment with a lot of training, because he’s the son of a Duke and one day… he’s training to be the Duke,” Villeneuve said. “But as much as he’s been prepared and trained for that role, is it really what he dreams to be? That’s the contradiction of that character. It’s like Michael Corleone in The Godfather – it’s someone that has a tragic fate and he will become something that he was not wishing to become.”

He also wears very casual pants.

Which Pacino character should Chalamet be compared to next? (Himself in Jack and Jill, obviously.) Dune, which also stars Rebecca Ferguson, Oscar Isaac, Josh Brolin, Stellan Skarsgård, Dave Bautista, Zendaya, and Jason Momoa, opens on December 18.

(Via Empire)

That Upload season 1 ending. I just want to talk about it so much because it’s such a wild, crushing turn of events that leads into so many, many questions about what comes next for Nora and Nathan on the show. But in a time where the rules of time aren’t quite what they once were, perhaps a couple of weeks isn’t enough to assume that everyone with an interest in a streaming show has seen said streaming show. Especially considering that we’re all drowning a little in streaming options.

Still, Upload is very good, and we wanted to remind you of that and give a little hint, following the season 2 renewal, of where things might go. And so, when we got the chance to talk with series creator Greg Daniels about the upcoming Netflix series, Space Force (more on that closer to the premiere), we also delved into the decision to end Upload season 1 on a cliffhanger (without revealing what happened), the relationship between Nora and Nathan, what actors Andy Allo and Robbie Amell bring to those characters, and some of the rules of the road and ambition going into season 2, which they’re already in the process of writing.

All of this is, for the most part, spoiler-free assuming you have a basic understanding of the show from trailers and such. Though, again, if you have seen the whole season then there will still be value for you as well.

I’m curious because, obviously, Season 1 ends at a point where you can definitely call that a cliffhanger. If you hadn’t gotten to Season 2, would you have been satisfied with where that ended?

When I originally pitched it, I had two seasons worked out in advance. Maybe I was a little overconfident, but I do have a feeling of where we’re going. The amount of closure at the end is something I debated with Amazon, and after we shot it, we pulled back on some of the closing up of things. We’re pretty deep into Season 2 now with the writers, so I guess if they hadn’t picked it up, there would’ve been a good bit of wasted work. I have in my deal, I believe, that if they don’t pick it up, I can finish it as a graphic novel.

Interesting.

Yeah. I’ve been working on this for so long that I was worried about that if I didn’t get a chance to do it, so I somehow retained the rights to put it out as a comic book if it didn’t go forwards.

Is that still something where it could live beyond a Season 2 or go in different directions as a graphic novel or a comic?

Oh, that’s a good idea. I don’t know. I was mostly concerned with it never reaching the light of day at all when I put that in the contract. But with these 10-episode seasons, you generate so many ideas and you just can’t use all of them, so I think that that could be really fun to branch off.

You say you started with two seasons in mind, is that still the case or is there room to expand and go deeper now?

Oh no, I could go further. I could go further. I just had two seasons broken in order to show where I wanted to go.

Does this show end when we see Nora and Nathan together finally, or is there more story to tell when and if that happens?

Well, the romance is part of the show, but there’s also a mystery part, and then there’s, I would say, the sort of a more joyful comedy part, I guess, that’s more like a normal show. So if for some reason there was no more tension in the romance story, I think there would still be some possibilities in the other stories if we wanted to keep going. But I only have a few possible endings floating around; I don’t actually know how this thing ends.

Can you talk a little bit about what Robbie Amell and Andy Allo brought to their characters and just how the show changed from birth to where it is now?

Well, Andy has a tremendous likability to her and she’s just sort of radiant, so there were things where I had it in dialogue and then I changed it so that it was more like the camera’s on her face and we just see her thinking and feeling stuff, which was part of the goal, to be more cinematic with the show anyway. But from the beginning, when she came in to audition, I called an audible on some of the scenes and I made a new moment, which became the first moment that we introduce her in the subway where she’s looking over another subway rider’s shoulder and watching the Adam Sandler movie 50 First Dates and just having this really sincere emotional reaction to the romanticism of it. I was sort of playing it like it’s a classic old Hollywood romance and people in the future looking back on it very wistfully since the future has gotten less romantic.

Anyway, she’s really good at just letting the camera be on her face, so I probably wrote in that direction more for her. Robbie has this… to me, in terms of what makes him funny, I think he has sort of a Cary Grant energy. That’s a bit of an old reference, but he’s very, obviously, attractive, but he’s very composed and he’s very funny, but in a very subtle way. One of the, I think, breakthroughs for the Season 1 writers was that we would watch his comedy reel. He’s done a lot of guest comedy spots on different shows, playing off of Josh Gad and stuff like that, and you could see that he’s got a really good sense of humor, even though his resume leans more into the action area.

Yeah. This was definitely an introduction for me, specifically with him, to see him carry over that charm and really find that comedic rhythm that I didn’t necessarily know that he had. I hadn’t seen Andy in anything, either, so really it was interesting to see them both inhabit these characters. Was that part of the appeal of casting them, that when you see them, you don’t instantly remember them from a big comedy role?

Yeah, I think so. My wife is a TV executive, and she was the original programmer of The WB, among other things. She always says that television makes stars, and I think there’s something very pleasurable as a viewer to come into a show and not know really anything about the actors and just bond with them in their characters that are being presented to you. So yeah, I love doing that. I have had a good experience in finding casts that I really liked and then bringing them to the viewers.

The gray market is something that I thought was really fascinating. Is there room, going forward, to see other offshoots and other areas and alternate afterlives and things along those lines?

Yeah, I think that’s a really fun part of the show. We’re going to explore the (Luddite) world more and the different design and cybersecurity areas of the Horizon company. Yeah, I think that’s super fun to do. It’s expensive, but it’s very fun

Obviously, this is a show that uniquely has the ability to do things like that. Even stuff as simple as the level of detail with the names of companies and certain things buried in the visuals of the show really adds to the charm.

Thanks, that’s something that I always took from The Simpsons — if you’re going to have a mall, you better put jokes on all of the stores. I really like to put comedy in the visuals. I don’t know, for some reason that seems easier to me than… It might’ve been from doing cartoons for so long.

You’re plotting out season 2 now, you’ve got Space Force beginning shortly. How do you juggle the process of both of those shows going almost simultaneously?

Well, it isn’t easy, but it’s easier that it’s not the first season. When I was running The Office, I also launched Parks And Recreation, and there was a season where, with help, I was co-showrunning The Office with Paul Lieberstein and co-showrunning Parks with Mike Schur, and it was Season 2 of Parks and Season 6 of The Office, but the total number of episodes was almost 50 episodes in one year.

That’s insane.

Here, we’re talking like 20 episodes, maybe. The main casting is done and the tone is set. I know I’m going to be working very, very hard, I know that, but I think it’s doable. The hardest part is figuring out how to shoot nowadays. That is, to me, the hardest part. There’s a lot of information going around, some of the production executives are saying you should be on stages more and use more green screens, but then other things I’ve read would suggest the stage is not the best place in terms of circulation of a virus. I don’t know, some aspects of it are a little up in the air.

Pro wrestling during a pandemic just doesn’t seem to be going all that well for pretty much anybody. Between the lack of crowds to react in the venue, and missing roster members limiting the booking options, these shows are having a hard time holding the attention of fans, no matter how few their other options are. This week AEW Dynamite once again drew more viewers than NXT, but at the same time it drew the fewest viewers it ever has.

As reported by Showbuzz Daily, Dynamite had an overnight audience of 654,000 viewers, and a rating of 0.23 in the key 18-49 demographic. These numbers aren’t just down from last week’s 732,000 viewership and 0.28 rating, they’re also the worst numbers the show has had since the show debuted last October. The previous low for viewership came on November 27, when 663,000 people watched. The previous low in the demo rating was a 0.25, which they’ve had several times, most recently on April 22.

NXT’s numbers were also down this week. They had 604,000 viewers, compared to 663,000 last week. NXT also had a 0.15 rating in the key demographic, down from last week’s 0.18.

Dynamite fell from the #12 spot to #15 in the Cable Top 150 rankings, while NXT went from #33 to #46, managing to stay in the Top 50 for the second week in a row..

MTV’s Challenge: Total Madness topped the key demo ratings for the night with a 0.49. Hannity on FOX News had the most total viewers of the night with 4.7 million.

It’s worth nothing that this week’s episode of AEW Dynamite was pre-taped, whereas last week’s was live. NXT was pre-taped both times. With no crowd to leak spoilers, it’s not clear what the difference is, but maybe wrestling viewers can just sense the difference somehow.

The best “cheap” bottles of whiskey manage to be versatile yet accessible. What we mean by that is that you can use these expressions as a base for a cocktail or highball or, in a pinch, pour them over some rocks. You can drink them like a shot, too, if that’s your thing. (It might not be the easiest shot you ever take, but nonetheless — shootable.)

Cheap whiskey doesn’t have to be bad is what we’re getting at. Sure, you have the bottom of the bottom shelf bottles — you know, that stuff that comes in big plastic jugs that you can use as a cleaning agent in case you run out of Lemon Pledge. But we’re not there to talk about those. We’re calling out the bottles that come in actual glass but still won’t break the bank.

The ten bottles below are perfectly drinkable examples of whiskey from the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. We’re not saying these are the best whiskeys in the world. Pretty far from it. We’re saying that they’ll get the job done if you’re looking to tie one on and don’t have a lot of scratch to spare.

Heaven Hill Old Style Bourbon

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Heaven Hill Distillery, Bardstown, KY
Average Price: $8

The Whiskey:

Heaven Hill’s brands are going to come up a lot on this list. They’re the Kentucky distillery that’s shed all pretension to bring us solid whiskey at affordable prices with no bullshit. As with this whiskey, there’s little meddling besides classic distilling and aging with the added bonus of charcoal filtration to smooth things out.

Tasting Notes:

There’s the thinness to this sip that works in its favor. There are subtle notes of bourbon vanilla, caramel, and a hint of apple. The vanilla and caramel really carry through with a slight alcohol burn, minor woodiness, and bitterness that leads towards the swift and mild finish.

Old Fitzgerald Prime Bourbon

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Heaven Hill Distillery, Louisville, KY
Average Price: $9

The Whiskey:

Another Heaven Hill entry at a great price. Prime is a simple bourbon that meets the minimum requirements to be called straight bourbon. From there, it’s bottled and sent out without any fuss on the part of the distillery, making it easy-drinking and very affordable.

Tasting Notes:

This is simple bourbon so expect hints of vanilla, caramel, and oak up front. The sip flows towards a Graham cracker bite with a hint of fresh mint before the alcohol edges bring about a quick, warm finish.

Evan Williams Green Label Bourbon

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Heaven Hill Distillery, Bardstown, KY
Average Price: $10

The Whiskey:

Some would argue that Green Label is a step down from the more common Black Label or Bottled-in-Bond versions of Evan Williams. Well, if it is, it’s barely a half-step down. This bottle holds all the value of a dram of Evan Williams at a lower price. You can’t beat that.

Tasting Notes:

There’s mild simplicity at play here — with a nose of alcohol supported by vanilla, caramel, and oak. The sip then edges toward an almost dry coconut flake flavor with a mild fruit essence lingering in the background. The heat, vanilla, and oak kick back in on the finish.

Ancient Age Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Buffalo Trace Distillery, Frankfort, KY (Sazerac Company)
Average Price: $11

The Whiskey:

The name of the whiskey is kind of ironic, given it’s only aged for three years. Otherwise, like most of the bottles on this list, the making of this bourbon follows an “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” model, with a classic mash bill and old school methods throughout.

Tasting Notes:

There’s a deeper sense of the corn on the nose with a clear hint of vanilla and caramel. The sweetness moves into toffee territory as small flourishes of spice kick in. Finally, the sip settles into an oakiness with a nice dose of vanilla and a whisper of citrus.

Black Velvet Reserve Aged 8 Years

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Black Velvet Distillery, Lethbridge, AL (Heaven Hill)
Average Price: $13

The Whiskey:

This is a surprisingly quaffable rye from Canada. The ripple is that the rye and corn mashes are distilled and then blended and distilled again. Then the juice rests for eight years in new oak before bottling.

Tasting Notes:

Clear rye spice mingles with a bottle of fizzy and sweet cream soda. Dark fruits, black pepper, and toffee pop alongside a clear sense of alcohol. The oak comes in late with more vanilla-heavy cream soda that’s cut down by a hint of citrus at the very end.

Henry McKenna Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

ABV: 40%
Distillery: H. McKenna Distillery, Bardstown, KY (Heaven Hill)
Average Price: $15

The Whiskey:

This brand from Heaven Hill is named after the Irish immigrant who was the first person (on record) to age whiskey in new charred American oak, creating bourbon. This accessible expression is meant to be a “table whiskey” much in the same vein as a table wine — i.e. very drinkable in everyday situations.

Tasting Notes:

Very mild spice, toffee, and vanilla mix initially. There’s a bump of fruitiness that takes a backseat to the classic bourbon notes. The toffee sweetness is cut by a mild oak and spice that leads to a brisk end.

Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Jim Beam Distillery, Clermont, KY (Beam Suntory)
Average Price: $15

The Whiskey:

It’s Jim Beam. It’s classic, easy, and affordable. There’s really not much more to say besides that this is a quality bourbon that has applications from shots to cocktails and everything in between.

Tasting Notes:

A hint of corn is dominated by clear bourbon vanilla and sweet caramel. There’s a clear sense of an apple orchard amongst the vanilla as the caramel edges towards maple syrup. The end is short, sweet, and full of vanilla.

Grant’s Family Reserve

ABV: 40%
Blender/Bottler: William Grant & Sons, Dufftown, UK
Average Price: $16

The Whiskey:

This blended scotch is a nice departure from this bourbon-heavy list. This is a mixing whisky by nature, though you can throw it over some rocks in a pinch. The blend is a mix of a few dozen different whiskies aged in three different types of barrels: New European oak, new American oak, and ex-bourbon barrels.

Tasting Notes:
Wet grains, wisps of smoke, and sense of oak come through up top. The sip has a clear dark spice edge with a note of caramel and straw. A minor bitterness comes into play with a small note of fresh herbs on the short end.

Ezra Brooks Straight Rye Whiskey

ABV: 45%
Distillery: MGP Indiana (Bottled at Lux Row Distillers, Bardstown, KY)
Average Price: $19

The Whiskey:

This new(ish) rye from Ezra Brooks is one of the more affordable ryes on the market. The mash bill leans heavily into the spicy grain with 95 percent being comprised of rye (the rest is malted barley).

Tasting Notes:

The rye is there but this one feels more like a spicy bourbon with a clear sense of vanilla and caramel next to oak. That vanilla and oak carry a mild peppery spice towards a medium-long end with a very distant echo of smoke.

George Dickel Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey #8

ABV: 40%
Distillery: Cascade Hollow Distillery, Tullahoma, TN (Diageo)
Average Price: $19.99

The Whiskey:

This Tennessee sour mash has a mash bill of 84 percent corn, supported by equal parts rye and barley (8% of each). The juice is mellowed over sugar maple charcoal and then aged in both medium and heavy charred barrels before being blended into the final bottle.

Tasting Notes:

Vanilla and pepper mingle with oak upfront. The sip has a refreshing balance of Christmas spices and pound cake mixed with a slight sense of corn, fruit, and wood. The finish offers a dialed-in sense of each element that slowly fades from your senses.

George Miller is working on a Mad Max Furiosa prequel that won’t star Charlize Theron. This reality, fortunately, didn’t stop the Academy Award-winning actress from recently participating in an oral history from The New York Times about the making of Mad Max: Fury Road. On-set tension surfaced as a topic of discussion, along with the cast’s experiences with the generally harsh conditions of desert shooting, but none of this has quelled Theron’s lingering enthusiasm for the film.

During quarantine, Charlize went into #TBT mode and had a ball on Twitter while posting behind-the-scenes photos that are new to fans. Her commentary is also fantastic. “I’ll never forget the feeling of seeing my war rig for the first time,” she raved. “[A]nd realizing holy sh*t, George is not f*cking around.”

Several other images followed, including talk of the “grueling, intense shoot” that she considers well worth the experience. What a badass character and a badass look.

Some softer moments received representation, too, including a cuddle with Charlize’s child, Jackson, who will one day be able to claim, “I spent most of the first year of my life in a war rig.”

Charlie also paid tribute to most of “my girls” and the legendary George Miller himself.

Max Mad: Fury Road is currently streamable on Amazon Prime.

Hip-hop is moving as fast as ever. Luckily, we’re doing the work to have the best new rap music in one place for you. This week, there were new visuals from Migos, Lil Tjay, Fivio Foreign and Pop Smoke, Earthgang, Mozzy, G-Herbo and Polo G, as well as RMR, Future and Lil Baby. There were also new songs from Future, IDK, Rico Nasty, Yungmanny, and more. Here’s the rest of the best new rap music this week:

Apollo Brown & Che`Noir — “Hustle Don’t Give” Ft. Black Thought

Black Thought and Che Noir deliver reflective, resilient verses over soulful Apollo Brown chops on “Hustle Don’t Give.” Noir affirms, “Every inch to the stage, I put my pen to this page.” while Black Thought bemoans the plight of kids who “don’t stand for sh*t, not even the court bailiff.”

Drakeo The Ruler — “Bleed It” Freestyle

LA’s Drakeo The Ruler is making sure the movement doesn’t stop, even if he’s incarcerated. This week he released a freestyle of Blueface’s “Bleed It,” seemingly delivering his verse over the phone and feeding fans who support and advocate for him.

AZ — “Found My Niche”

Rap legend AZ is set to revisit a classic this summer when he drops his Doe Or Die 2 project. He gave his cult fanbase a reminder that his lyricism is still impeccable on “Found My Niche,” where he delves into a poignant tale of the relentless cycle of the drug trade in inner cities.

Teejayx6 — “How Teejayx6 & Kasher Quon Got Arrested”

On Detroit’s Teejayx6 latest track, he uses an awkward delivery to tell a story about him and his right hand man Kasher Quon crossing paths with the law.

Smokepurpp — “Off My Chest” Feat. Lil Pump

One of rap’s youngest dynamic duos linked up again on “Off My Chest,” a track that utilizes chimes as the basis for a banger that harkens to the glory days of their “SoundCloud Rap” come up.

Lil Skies — “Riot”

Lil Skies gets flossy on “Riot,” a CashmoneyAP-drafted trap burner which was paired with a video featuring the young Pennslyvania rapper and his friends turning up like everyone wishes they could these days.

Lloyd Banks — “Painted Houses” Feat. Vado

In the same month that 50 Cent called out Lloyd Banks’ work ethic in his latest book, the PLK has released his third song in as many weeks. “Painted Houses” shows “Banks Sinatra” and Vado talking filthy over a sinister beat that Griselda previously killed during their “Fire In The Booth” freestyle.

Kelow Latesha — “Hibiscus” Freestyle

Kelow Latesha is the latest artist from a buzzing PG County, Maryland rap scene. Last month she released the deluxe edition of her TSA album, and she’s already feeding her fans more. On her “Hibiscus” freestyle, she tears through an 808-based beat with clever lines like, “I’m carrying these n****s, I hurt my meniscus.”

Deante Hitchcock — Better

The Atlanta rap scene is so muddled that some of its gems go overlooked. Count Deante Hitchcock in that category, but that should change after more people experience his debut Better album. The 10-track debut features a who’s who of young Atlanta such as JID, 6LACK, Young Nudy. But even with the star-studded tracklist, Hitchcock makes his presence felt on the project, especially on the reflective “Remember.”

Kenny Mason — “Firestarter”

Kenny Mason talks his talk on his “Firestarter” freestyle, declaring “science, art, and pain, every field I play in I demolish,” over a neck-snapping, piano-based instrumental. The single is from his oxymoronic Angelic Hoodrat album.

Drixxie — I Found Heaven In My Hell

Philly artist Drixxie released his I Found Heaven In My Hell EP. The 11-track project showcases the genre-bending artist’s easygoing delivery, melodic flows and pensive lyrics over a smooth soundscape that ranges from the earnest infatuation of “Is It?” to “Sunny,” where he pleads “may all of my days be sunny.”

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Listen to me

What We Do in the Shadows is an FX show based on a movie of the same name, the latter of which was created by and starred Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement. The show is an Office-style fake-documentary about a group of vampires who live in and attempt to navigate modern-day Staten Island. There are four main vampires on the show: Nandor (a legendary warrior and conqueror), Nadja and Laszlo (a very amorous married couple), and Colin Robinson (an energy vampire who feeds by draining humans with awkward, boring conversations, and is my favorite character on the show). This is all the introduction you will get from me because I’m already itching to move on.

It is so good. It is so good and so, so funny. Legitimate belly laughs at least once an episode, and more than that, by a lot, in the last handful. In one episode, Colin Robinson kept trying and failing to get everyone to fall for an updog joke so he summoned the ghost of his grandma just to get her with it. In another episode, he got a promotion at work and acquired so much power from droning on and on in meetings that his bald head started growing a luxurious head of hair spontaneously. Nandor has a familiar — think like a human intern who does grunt work in the hope of becoming a vampire — named Guillermo who recently discovered, to his great chagrin, that he’s descended from the legendary vampire hunter, Van Helsing. It’s so good. I’m not doing it justice. Please just try it. The first season is terrific. The second season had been transcendent. It is now the show I look forward to most every week. I don’t even like vampire stuff. That’s how good it is.

Why am I telling you this? Well, two reasons, mostly. The first reason is that it is kind of my job to tell you what shows are good and I am nothing if not a dedicated and consummate professional. The second reason is that I need to tell you about something that happened in this week’s episode and doing this will give me an excuse.

A vampire played by Mark Hamill showed up and challenged Laszlo to a duel as the result of an unpaid bill. Laszlo, instead of taking part in the duel, fled and ran off and left his life and wife on Staten Island behind. He created a whole new identity: a toothpick-chomping, jeans-wearing regular American. Which is already good. I’m a sucker for any show or movie where a character goes off the grid, especially if another character asks where they are and a third character replies “He’s in the wind.” But that’s not the best part. The best part is this. Get ready.

Jackie Daytona.

JACKIE DAYTONA.

It’s so beautiful I could cry. It’s the best name I’ve seen on television since Raylan Givens encountered a female hustler and card shark on Justified who went by “Jackie Nevada.” Maybe that’s the key here. Maybe the trick to a good character name is just “Jackie” and then a geographic location. Jackie Galapagos, Jackie Norway, Jackie Montreal, etc. Something to consider, if you’re making a television show. Although it won’t be easy to top “Jackie Daytona, regular human bartender and noted supporter of the local high school girl’s volleyball team.” I don’t even know where you would start.

The lesson here is that fake names are fun and What We Do in the Shadows is becoming a must-watch comedy. Please make a note.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — Finally, a movie for me

Allow me to present the trailer for the upcoming straight-to-VOD movie Fast and Fierce: Death Race, the sequel to the 2017 movie Fast and Fierce. Here is the official description:

Jack Tyson is on his way to grabbing the cash prize for an illegal car race from Mexico to California when a desperate woman, fleeing from her gangster boyfriend who runs the tournament, jumps into his car pleading for help.

A few other notes about Fast and Fierce: Death Race:

• It is from The Asylum, the same studio that produced the Sharknado movies and a million other Syfy originals
• It appears to be knocking off two franchises at once, Fast & Furious and Death Race, both of which have featured Jason Statham and Tyrese in prominent roles
• It stars DMX as the villain

Very rarely has a movie — or anything at all, for that matter — been more squarely in my wheelhouse. Again, this is a cheap knockoff of two Statham franchises that stars DMX and is made by the same people who once gave Tara Reid a buzzsaw arm to battle airborne sharks. I am definitely going to watch this movie. I’m going to pay $10 for it. I will probably write north of 2000 words about it if it is even 60-70 percent of what I’m thinking it is. There’s so much going on here, almost all of laser-targeted to my very specific and peculiar set of interests. I’m really very happy.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Let’s check in on quarantined celebr-…

… aaaaaaaand Guy Fieri and Bill Murray are having a nacho cookoff. I swear. They’re doing it tonight at 5 pm ET on the Food Network Facebook page and it’s all to raise money for charity. Here, look, details and a link to prove I’m not making it all up.

“The Nacho Average Showdown” is live event to raise money for Fieri’s Restaurant Employee Relief Fund (RERF), which gives financial assistance to employees impacted by the coronavirus shutdown. The Fund provides restaurant workers with $500 grants with 100 percent of donations going directly to RERF. About 8 million restaurant workers are currently unemployed.

This is great. Really. There’s no sarcasm at all happening here. It’s great. Guy Fieri has already raised so much money for this worthy cause and Bill Murray is incapable of doing anything that surprises me at this point, so it all checks out, too. The celebrity judges are going to be Shaq and Terry Crews, because why wouldn’t they be. Again, this is all very real. Being quarantined as a nation has been very bad and stressful in most ways, but it has resulted in a very dramatic increase in super-weird stuff happening all the time and, as a person who thrives in chaos, I have no choice but to respect that aspect of it and that aspect alone.

That said, I do have questions. One question, actually, with a number of subquestions. And that question is… how? How did this happen? How did it come to be? Do Bill Murray and Guy Fieri know each other? Are they… friends? Did Guy Fieri text this idea to Bill Murray? It seems like an impossible thing to set up through management teams. It seems like the type of thing that happens when two buddies get to chatting after having drinks. This might sound strange to you, this idea that Guy Fieri and Bill Murray could be friends, but consider this mind-crumbling video…

… and the fact that Matthew McConaughey gave the dedication speech when Guy got his star on the Walk of Fame. Man is connected, all I’m saying.

In conclusion, I apologize, again, for using a picture of Guy Fieri missing a tackle in a celebrity flag football game, again. He’s doing such nice things lately. He’s a good guy through and through. It’s just… it’s just so funny. I’m the jerk here. I know that. But I bet I do it again.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Cate Blanchett rules

Just to be clear about what we’re all seeing and hearing here, this is two-time Oscar-winning actress Cate Blanchett making a reference to the delightful offbeat and chaotic Netflix sketch show I Think You Should Leave. Like, a very casual reference, the kind of reference someone makes only if they’re extremely familiar with the subject matter and make this kind of reference a lot. This is fascinating to me for reasons I’m not sure I understand. Why does it feel so weird that Cate Blanchett would be an I Think You Should Leave superfan? It’s a fun show. She’s allowed to enjoy fun things. This is on me, really. I have much to ponder.

What do you think her favorite sketch from the show is? I don’t think it’s TC Tuggers. That’s a good pull but not even top 15 on the show. You think she’s a “Focus Group” gal? Maybe a “Hot Dog Suit” lady? I have put a lot of thought into this since I discovered it — like, think of an amount you would consider “a lot of thought” about this, then double it — and I’m pretty sure it’s “Baby of the Year.” We can test this theory. If any of you see Cate Blanchett on the street in the next few weeks, maybe out for a walk or doing some other social-distance-approved activity, try shouting “BART HARLEY JARVIS” at her.

If she starts booing, we’ll know I’m right. If she doesn’t, or if she just looks at you weird, apologize and scurry away. Do not continue bothering Cate Blanchett.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — If you ever wondered if Sting has a good story about peyote and livestock…

… he does. It’s at the beginning of the new Netflix documentary about psychedelics, Have a Good Trip, which is generally pretty fun and informative and full of celebrities talking about tripping their nuts off. But back to Sting. The short version goes like this: The first time Sting took peyote, he was walking around his farm and was accosted by a guy who worked there. It led to this.

The continued short version: Sting assisted in the emergency delivery of a baby cow whose mother was in danger of dying without immediate intervention and he did it all while incredibly high on peyote. The most surprising thing about this story is that it’s somewhat not surprising at all. Like, you read all of this stuff about Sting and peyote and livestock and you were probably thinking “Sure, that makes enough sense,” right? I did. It was somehow both stunning and completely expected. Sting is a strange dude. I guess that’s the takeaway here. Although that’s not exactly breaking news, either. Guy woke up one morning and decided the world should refer to him as Sting instead of his given name, Gordon. That’s a heck of a leap.

Lot of layers to this onion.

ITEM NUMBER SIX — More like Robert Pastason, in my opinion

There’s no way around it. I can’t in good faith write up a whole big thing about weird and notable entertainment moments from the week and not mention Robert Pattinson’s pasta debacle. You’re aware of the pasta debacle, yes? I imagine you are. If you’re internet literate enough to find and read this column you’re also probably up to date on this, too. But let’s be safe. Let’s link to the tremendously entertaining GQ profile than ran this week and tell you to go read it all to see a window into quarantine mania. Let’s direct you to the last 25 percent of this profile. And then let’s begin blockquoting small sections of it in a way that tells you everything and nothing you need to know.

Here goes.

Last year, he says, he had a business idea. What if, he said to himself, “pasta really had the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizzas? I was trying to figure out how to capitalize in this area of the market, and I was trying to think: How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?”

Excellent. A perfect start.

Let’s skip ahead.

Then he realizes that he’s forgotten the outer layer, which is supposed to be breadcrumbs but today will be crushed-up cornflakes, and so he lifts the pile of cheese and sugar and crumbles some cornflakes onto the aluminum foil before placing the sugar-cheese back on top of it. Then he adds sauce, which is red. The microwave dings, and Pattinson promptly burns himself on the bowl of pasta. He sighs, heavily, looking at it. “No idea if it’s cooked or not.” He dumps the pasta in anyway. At this point, his spirits have visibly begun to flag. “I mean, there’s absolutely no chance this is gonna work. Absolutely none.”

Yes, but how bad could it be, really? He’s just making pasta in the microwave.

Let’s skip ahead again.

Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.

“The fucking electricity…oh, my God,” he says, still on the floor. And then, with a loud, final bang, the oven/microwave goes dark.

Just tremendous. Perfect. I hope he tries to make a quiche next. He might vaporize a city block.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

Paul:

A few years ago I was driving to the beach with my family and we saw a sign for a restaurant that was trying to market itself as a family friendly stop. This is a smart business decision because I’m sure lots of families are looking for places that serve grilled cheese or chicken tenders or something else that restless children will eat in peace after four hours in a car. The problem was the way they communicated it. The sign said “Cheeseburgers. Milkshakes. We serve children, too!” For one second as I was speeding down the highway I thought they were implying they cooked and plated actual children. I don’t know why but I feel like you’ll appreciate this.

Paul, I do appreciate it. I appreciate it very much. You have brought this to the right man. One time I saw a sign outside a gas station that said “WE HAVE DIESEL” and before I realized what happened I had shouted, “RELEASE HIM.” Another time I drove by a sign for a local shoe store called “Bernard Shoes” and I careened off the road, across traffic, into a parking lot, just so I could snap a picture and make a joke about it being a good fake name. My favorite one is this huge rock-smashing plant I drive by on the way to my local Popeyes. It’s called “Bradley Pulverizer,” which sounds like the name of a three-time WWE Intercontinental Champion who carries a sledgehammer into the ring.

I love signs. Send me all your signs. Thank you, Paul.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Scotland!

A bull attempting to alleviate an “itchy bum” using a utility pole ended up knocking out the electricity for more than 700 homes in a Scottish town.

Yup. This will do just fine. A bull with an itchy butt took out the power for a whole town like he’s Robert Pattinson making dinner. We can work with this.

“Our bull Ron would like to apologize to everyone in Chapelton and Strathaven for causing last nights power cut to over 700 homes,” Laughton wrote. “He had [an] itchy bum so [he] scratched it on the electricity pole and knocked the transformer box off.”

Hold on.

Wait.

Hold on.

The bull is named “Ron”?

Like, Ron?

Just Ron?

They got a bull and looked at it and said “Hmm, that’s a Ron.”

Ron!

It says a lot about me that a bull named Ron took out the power for a whole town by itching his butt on a power pole and the part I’m hung up on is the bull being named Ron.

Ron the Bull.

I’m sorry.

I’ll stop.

But come on.

Ron.

Okay.

She said Ron is “happy to be alive” after managing to avoid an 11,000 volt shock from the fallen transformer box.

I’m happy Ron is alive, too. I would have felt really bad about those jokes about his name if he’d been fried butt-first by that pole.

Ron.

They named the bull Ron.

I might never get over this.

Tory Lanez just released his album New Toronto 3 a month ago. But that’s not stopping the Toronto native from sharing even more music. The singer returns with some heat on the slow-burning number “Temperature Rising.”

Sharing the new track to social media, Lanez aptly wrote that his new single will make him responsible for “80 percent” of the babies made during quarantine. A low, pounding beat sizzles under Lanez’s crooning lyrical delivery. “Temperature’s risin’ / And I’m fantasizin’ bout’ givin’ it to you,” he sings while showcasing his vocal’s impressive range.

Lanez’s short turn around time is no accident. Lanez shared with fans that New Toronto 3 was his way of getting out of his record deal, referencing his former contract with Interscope. He also appears to not be interested in signing a new deal, previously saying that he doesn’t see a need for it. “There’s so many labels offering me so much money, like millions of dollars,” Lanez said in an interview with Genius. “I’ve gotten offers that are life-changing offers, but I don’t care. I already own my masters and publishing and everything. So I don’t see any reason to give that to somebody else.”

Ahead of the single’s release, Lanez linked up with YouTube to put on The Social Distance Tour, an interactive livestream concert for fans. And now that Lanez is free from contracts, fans can expect even more new music from the prolific artist.

Listen to “Temperature Rising” above.

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Yes indeed we all do know the joke by now — nature has returned, the earth is healing. But what about NBA players returning to nature? “Nature is healing, ball is life” doesn’t have the same immediate uptake for jokes but it was, more or less, what was going on this week in Self-ISO. Guys went into the woods, came out of them, fished, howled atop waterfalls, called animal control, lounged around with exotic wildlife and became the unexpected caretakers of infant animals while trying to maintain a decent lawn. Let’s tiptoe through these tulips!

Paul George

If you want to find someone angling to have a good time this pandemic, look no further than Paul George. And please, do not shut the tab in your browser this website is on or gently set your phone down and go do something better with your time because of that terrible fishing joke. George, an avid fisherman, opted to spend time catching smallmouth bass after smallmouth bass. He thoughtfully posed with each one (or else one hungry fish) before gently setting them back in the water.

Rating: An afternoon well spent.

Lou Williams

We join Williams perched atop the waterfall in his backyard. His “scary ass” was up there because he was rightfully avoiding a gigantic snake in the grass. As he narrated, “Only thing about living in the deep south, big ass snakes, man,” his poor friend was given the job of trying to catch the snake with a pool skimmer.

The snake, over it, opted to leave the yard and Williams’ fears multiplied when his friend informed him the first snake had gone to join another snake on the other side of the fence. “One turned into two!” Williams exclaimed.

Animal control arrived and caught the two snakes, identified as water moccasins (“That’s why they’re always in the damn pool,” Williams agreed), and placed them carefully in a big bucket. Williams heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Rating: Lou Williams perched on an artificial waterfall warning you about snakes in the grass wouldn’t be such a bad conscience.

Tobias Harris

Remember a couple Self-ISOs ago when Harris got psyched out by a group of turkeys that stormed his yard? Well this week, just as Harris was about to cut his lawn, his keen, defensively valuable eyes spotted something resting in the tall grass.

“There’s a baby deer in my grass that needs to be cut!” Harris proclaimed in a careful whisper, not wanting to startle the fawn. He inquired after its mother in a worried tone, then marveled at the nature he was getting to see up close, “First turkeys, now baby deer!”

Rating: Nature first, lawn care second.

D’Angelo Russell

Russell had a baby chimpanzee in, I think, his home, because he introduced it to his French bulldog.

Rating: It is wonderful to learn about wildlife but I have to side with Russell’s bug-eyed dog here when I say my aversion would be similar.

Robert Covington

Covington and his giant pet snake took it easy this week. Covington lounged on the couch while the snake draped several sections of its body over his arms and legs, lifting its head once as if to say, ‘sup?

Rating: Or I guess it would be more like ‘sssssssup?

Kyle O’Quinn (and Kyle Lowry)

The two greatest Kyles in the league took to the trails this week on their bikes, bumping and jolting themselves all over the great outdoors. I hope these two have excellent shocks, they deserve them.

Bonus, O’Quinn also gave his beaming face a steam bath this week. A joy he and we deserve.

Rating: Please, get the most valuable basketball mind of its generation (Lowry) a helmet!

Montrezl Harrell

Trez seems to have bought a new house this week and went to take a tour of it. He showcased the relaxing pond in the front yard, likely listed with “great vibes” as pictured, as well as the gigantic pond in the back where he invited Paul George to come and cast a few in soon.

George responded quickly, complementing Harrell on how nice his new pond looked but needing some proof of bites before he made the trip.

Rating: A great guide in fishpond decorum here, from both ends.

Enes Kanter

Kanter continues to be “at it” online, this one seems really rude to Mother Nature and that lady doesn’t need any more sleights.

Rating: Twisted firestarter, for sure. Also, why?

Rudy Gobert

Here we have Gobert deep into his recovery, doing yoga on a boogie board in his pool. Not sure how to view this one in terms of effectiveness but seems like a fun one to toss in the mix.

Rating: Rudy seems fine!

Rudy Gay

Rudy Gay went shoe shopping and took a minute to post a selfie with a quote even more reflective than the photons of his body bouncing back to him.

Rating: Remember when the big thing about extended isolation was who was going to use the time to write the next King Lear? We got it.

Jimmy Butler

There are few things as steady, reliable and comforting in this world as the sun rising each and every day and Jimmy Butler doing some extreme amount of physical conditioning in order to prepare himself to eat a completely regular-ass meal.

Rating: He did this for four hours, he ate two tacos.

Jordan Clarkson

You know how eating itself has become repetitive? You’re doing it two, three times a day formally, and probably a whole lot more in between, mindlessly? Well, here’s Jordan Clarkson showing that it’s still nice to extend a little effort toward yourself when it comes to chowing down. You don’t have to make a whole charcuterie board, you could just pour some chips into a bowl rather than clawing for another greasy handful.

Rating: Wash it down with whatever you like, in a glass!

Jaylen Brown

This comes from Brown’s appearance on the GQ Sports YouTube channel. Brown, deadpan, admitted to taking a travel record player with him wherever he goes, then, more deadpan, walked viewers through some of his favorite records, showing off the album sleeves as he went.

Rating: The High Fidelity remake we’ve been waiting for.

Tim Hardaway Jr.

Tim hit the dunes! The greens! The bogey! The birdie! Went par for the course! I’m doing this to enrage my colleague, Robby, who could probably tell you what those clubs are on sight whereas I’m here to tell you how flawless Hardaway looks in a lightweight golf shirt!

Rating: A whole lotta fun in one!

Buddy Hield

Buddy Hield is an extremely fast and agile man, which is the only reason I wasn’t worried when I saw him get on a longboard this week and go ripping down the road with his dogs, gleeful, to either side.

Rating: It’s still a wrongboard, even when Buddy Hield does it.

Jonas Jerebko

Jerebko has been back in his native Sweden for a little while now, and as best as I can tell his family lives on the shores of the most magical and picturesque lake in the country, carefree, godmorgoning everyone as they go, or else this is an accurate depiction of all of Sweden.

Rating: Godmorgon.

Bam Adebayo

Ha ha, Adebayo really laid it down for this fuzzy freeloader that matches, exquisitely, Bam’s whole bottom half.

Rating: Got his ass.

P.J. Tucker

Recently back from celebrating his 35th birthday like the king of all he lays his eyes upon that he is, Tucker immediately got to work treating his partner like the queen she is for Mother’s Day. He prepared a delicious brunch of cheesy grits and shrimp, chopping, at times, with his eyes closed. Please do not risk your life by attempting this technique at home!

Rating: Counting down the days until Tucker is back on the court, using this eyes closed technique on cowering offensive players.

Andre Drummond

I’ll be honest, I’ve sort of glazed over this development but best I can tell is that Drummond has started something like a live radio show in his home but now he is dressing up for them. The important thing is he’s having fun.

Rating: That has nothing to do with the pandemic, more to do with Cleveland.

Wayne Ellington

Ellington has been focused on staying competitive during this self-iso, working out and practicing with tiny, persistent, impenetrable defensive opponents who are determined to play well past their bedtime.

Rating: Dribbles, drooling, this guy’s got all the drills.

Jaren Jackson Jr.

Oh boy this is the perfect mixture of bittersweet and funny, picturing Jackson taking a solemn shot of the FedEx Forum as he drives by and sends a digital postcard with a heartfelt note of, “Miss U Bro” dedicated to the building itself.

Rating: Thinking about writing the library a 10-page letter, honestly.

Rasheed Wallace

We haven’t seen Paul Pierce in weeks and I would be way more worried if Rasheed Wallace had not emerged from the misty woods this week to deliver a PSA on social distancing and staying active. Ball doesn’t lie and neither does Sheed when it comes to letting you know what’s good for yourself!

Rating: Rasheed Wallace’s Wisdom? Sheed’s Shack? Test driving some replacements for PAUL PIERCE’S PLACE if he doesn’t show up soon.

Bryn Forbes

Thrilled to announce we’ve got a runner up against Tim Hardaway Jr. for who makes quarantining look the most relaxed, well-hydrated.

Rating: Also a runner up for who wears a hat very well.

Richard Jefferson

Speaking of well-hydrated, here’s Richard Jefferson with a joke to take us home this week. Thank you, Richard!

Rating: Runner up captions for Jefferson included, “I fought the Claw and the Claw ONE, as in one too many!”