Another week, another two episodes in ESPN’s 10-part docuseries on Michael Jordan and the 1997-98 Chicago Bulls, The Last Dance. Episodes 5 and 6 touched on a whole bunch of stuff: The Dream Team, Jordan’s love of gambling, “Republicans buy sneakers too,” the 1992 and 1993 NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant, and much, much more.

As always, head on over to With Spandex if you’d like to check out where we got the idea for the format on these recaps. And once you’re done doing that, scroll on down and dive into our recap for the latest editions of The Last Dance.

Kobe Bryant

This doesn’t get a specific designation because, to be honest, I’m still not totally sure what I’m feeling after seeing the opening with Jordan and Kobe. Seeing Jordan talk about “that little Laker boy” in the East locker room was both funny and eye-opening, because while he was poking fun at Kobe’s propensity to keep shooting even while missing a lot, you could see how much Jordan respected the young All-Star enough to be willing to impart some of his wisdom upon him. Jordan made it a point to note that Kobe doesn’t wait for the game, he takes it. He took delight in putting a young Kobe in his place, but also saw the potential in him.

Then there was the strange feeling of seeing Kobe’s interview. We’re still so close to that tragic helicopter crash that seeing Kobe talking in an interview we haven’t seen before can only be described as weird. There’s some joy seeing Kobe talk about his connection with Jordan, and him noting Mike was like his “big brother” only seemed more real and meaningful after Jordan referred to him as his “little brother” at Kobe’s memorial service. There’s also the sadness of knowing he’s gone and that his insight into the game and perspective on stories, such as the 1998 All-Star Game, are gone with him. It was a bit surreal to see Kobe in a new interview, pulling at the full range of emotions along the way, but I was glad to see how they handled it and how they brought him into this documentary.

BEST: Mrs. Jordan For Giving Us Air Jordans

Michael Jordan had no interest in signing a sneaker deal with Nike. He, instead, wanted to come to terms on a deal with adidas, which did not come through because the three stripes didn’t offer him the sort of deal his people wanted.

As such, Jordan’s parents insisted on him making a trip to Nike’s campus. Jordan agreed to a deal with Nike. To say the least, it ended up being a good one, as evidenced by what I have in my sneaker closet and I assume you have in yours, too. Thank you, Mrs. Jordan. Now if you can only convince your son to have Nike drop all of the shoes I like on SNKRS, and then convince him again to make sure I win every raffle, I would appreciate that.

WORST: Michael Jordan, Brought To You By Michael Jordan

One thing that episode five really leaned into was Michael Jordan as a brand. It was something that did need to happen at some point — the dude put his silhouette on a company and became a billionaire off of it — but it just felt like all the Nike stuff in this episode was done to prop up the brand and not tell a super interesting story about Jordan and Nike. It gets into the cultural significance of the shoes by getting Nas and Justin Timberlake to go “man, those sneakers were cool” and showing some of the stuff Spike Lee did to promote them, but this did kind of feel like a missed opportunity to really tell an in-depth story.

BEST: Mike Willingly Hurting His Feet To Dunk On The Knicks One Last Time

Mike wore the sneakers I want more than any other pair of sneakers — Jordan 1 Chicago — for his final game at Madison Square Garden. It led to his feet bleeding, because they were not the right size, and he said he could not get them off fast enough after the game. Of course, with shoes that were not big enough and caused his socks to be soaked with blood, Jordan went for 42 points, eight rebounds, six assists, and three steals in a win, because sure, why not?

WORST: Being A Player Michael Jordan Heard Jerry Krause Say He Liked

Man, Mike hated Jerry Krause. Like, a lot. Poor Toni Kukoc and Dan Majerle just simply existed as basketball players and happened to have caught the eye of Krause, and that was enough for Jordan to want to destroy them. The Kukoc story is well known, as Jordan and Scottie Pippen were upset at the courting of Kukoc by Krause leading up to those Olympics and decided to prove he wasn’t that good. I was glad to see this documentary include that Kukoc bounced back for a good game in the gold medal game, because that is often forgotten.

Then, in the 1993 NBA Finals, Jordan decided he needed to “attack” Majerle because he knew Krause liked him and wanted to prove he wasn’t close to the same level as him. Remember, this wasn’t because Thunder Dan was talking reckless on Mike’s name or anything. No, he just was liked by the GM of the Chicago Bulls and that was enough to end up at the top of Jordan’s sh*t list.

It wasn’t just if Krause liked you, but god forbid the media possibly compare a player to Jordan either, as he took “offense” to people putting Clyde Drexler on the same level as him going into the 1992 Finals. This led Jordan to, once again, try and prove in the Finals that “it wasn’t close” and dominate in a way that would separate them. In a shocking turn of events, Michael Jordan was a psychotic competitor. Who would’ve known?

BEST: Dunking On Krause

Speaking of hating Jerry Krause, after winning their second straight NBA Finals, Krause tried to have a moment with Mike during the locker room celebration and asked Jordan, “Can I get a cigar?”

Even in the thralls of celebration, Jordan had time to sh*t on Krause, replying, “You can’t smoke it, it’ll stunt your growth.” He never missed a chance to make a short joke when Krause was around, and even had jokes when the man wasn’t even around. While pitching quarters for $20 with security guards — which, an aside, is an incredible degenerate move — while the guards tried to finesse the terms of the bet, he hit them with a “OK Jerry Krause, negotiate with someone else.”

Find you someone that motivates you as much as Jordan was motivated to ruin Jerry Krause at every turn.

BEST: Ahmad Rashad’s Inside Stuff Shirt

1992 was the pinnacle of graphic t-shirt fashion. Look at the glory of the tie-dye Inside Stuff shirt Ahmad Rashad had on when he dared ask Michael Jordan who would take the last shot on the Dream Team if it ever came to that.

On an unrelated note, we need a 10-hour documentary on Ahmad Rashad next. That man has lived an unbelievably fascinating life and probably has more Jordan stories than anyone else. Also: We need every extremely 1992 article of clothing from this scene re-release for the good of society.

BEST: Magic Johnson And Every Dream Team Thing

For one, Magic is the greatest storyteller in the history of basketball. Magic has stories about every single thing, and the bravado he brings when he tells those stories is unparalleled. His recalling of the shrug game was a masterclass in how to take something every single person already knew about and still making it beyond compelling. How no one has convinced him to do a podcast yet is beyond me.

Magic was also, understandably, very prominently involved in the Dream Team stuff. The thing with the Dream Team is that it is literally never enough — it was such a fascinating mix of talented athletes (with an exception!) and gigantic personalities, and they were able to harness all of that into beating the brakes off of everyone they faced. NBA TV did an outstanding doc on the team, this spent a decent amount of time through the Jordan lens, and you could easily do a docuseries on every single person involved on that team and it would rock. The practice footage stuff is so good, as is the fact that everyone involved is able to look back on it and identify it as such a major event in the grand scheme of the entire squad.

Add in that the team’s cultural significance, to this day, still resonates and it legitimately might be the greatest, most fascinating squad in team sports history. That aforementioned Magic Johnson podcast idea should, first and foremost, be flooded with Dream Team stories.

WORST: Jesse Helms

The infamous “Republicans wear sneakers too” quote came after Jordan got some bad press for not appearing in a PSA for Harvey Gantt, the black mayor of Charlotte, against Helms, a longtime Republican Senator from North Carolina and an all-time bog monster. The quote came in jest, Jordan got a bunch of bad publicity from it, you know the story by now. The thing here is that Jesse Helms sucked and he does not deserve to be remembered as anything other than a piece of garbage. Thanks!

BEST: “Rosa Parks” Montage

The music selections in the documentary for various montage sequences has been arguably the best part, and I think it might’ve hit a pinnacle when they played Outkast’s “Rosa Parks” while showing Jordan’s Bulls heading to Atlanta to play in front of 62,000 people in the Georgia Dome — which, it remains hilarious the Hawks played some games in a football arena in 1998 because they tore down the Omni and hadn’t built the building formerly known as Philips Arena yet.

I am, admittedly, biased in this assessment as an Atlanta native, but you can never go wrong with Outkast and that sequence ruled.

BEST: Jerry Seinfeld

So what’s the deal with the Triangle? Why not the square? Or the Pentagon? They’re all shapes, Michael!

BEST: Security Guard Shrug Game

Ken Burns if you want to Do Good Journalism about any member of the Bulls please do a documentary on this man and his hair.

BEST: Pat Riley’s Entire Vibe

I have no idea where Pat Riley is but if the answer is “somewhere at his home,” I need to know more about where Pat Riley lives. Look at this!

https://twitter.com/CorkGaines/status/1257137884764811266

His entire aesthetic is “The Sopranos, but for non-Italians.” Why does Pat Riley have bamboo stalks on his patio? Is this how he dresses when he is not wearing things that have the Heat emblem on there? Has Jimmy Butler ever visited him at wherever this is, sipping on a glass of wine while telling stories about Mark Wahlberg? Can I come over? Let me come hang out Pat Riley, I make a very good banana bread.

WORST: Burying Horace Grant

The documentary is not exactly kind to Horace Grant, who shows up in this episode twice. In a discussion of “The Jordan Rules,” Jordan is still convinced Horace was the main source for Sam Smith’s tell-all book that showed that Mike wasn’t exactly beloved in the Bulls locker room. Horace insists that’s not the case, and B.J. Armstrong notes Horace couldn’t have been the lone source, at the very least, and points to the coaching staff, ownership, and others (without naming names) as likely other sources. Jordan’s distrust for Grant, along with Jerry Reinsdorf not wanting to pay a bunch of money for him, is why Grant shows up later in the episode as a member of the Orlando Magic. The unfortunate thing is that Horace was a huge part of those first three-peat championship teams, not some bit player in a small role, and the documentary doesn’t exactly present him as such.

WORST: The Knicks

The Knicks mixed the Bad Boys Pistons aesthetic with the “we are from New York City” aesthetic, and as such, they were a pretty tough basketball team! Some members of my extended family from New Jersey, I am convinced, would die for John Starks. There was something about those Knicks — it is probably because the current team isn’t good and that team was — that just resonated with people from the area. They were dogs, and they were able to back up their loud bark with one nasty bite.

Of course, they ran into a pretty frequent problem: They had to beat Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. That never happened, but they did come close, going up 2-0 in the 1993 Eastern Conference Finals. If Charles Smith makes a layup in Game 5 of that series, perhaps New York wins. Instead, he did not, and the Knicks came up short.

WORST: FRANCESA

DIS MICHAEL JAWDIN DOESN’T CARE ABOUT WINNING. DERE AH HAWSES AT SARATOGA DAT CARE MAW. JAWDIN’S A BUM. A BUM, I TELL YA. HE SHOULD PLAW FAW DA METS. DA FREAKIN METS. backaftadis

(Mike Francesa is among our most important Americans. He gets a worst for the remarks he made about Jordan — which were fine, but come on, Sports Pope — but he is, generally, a best.)

BEST: Mike Drives The Bus

For the love of god, do not get between Michael Jordan and a tee time. The press kept trying to talk to Scottie Pippen despite the fact that Mike just wanted to hit the links, and when Scottie wasn’t immediately getting on the bus to go to the golf course, Jordan just got behind the wheel of the bus and started honking on the horn. He charged his teammates fare (I think this was a joke, but also, it’s Michael Jordan). We need more clips of Jordan being a goofy teammate. They’re tremendous. Also tremendous…

BEST: Jordan Golfing Footage

More. I need more footage of Michael Jordan golfing because it’s all incredible. The stuff from the first episode of him playing with Ainge is great. This episode has an extended cut of him golfing with Ron Harper and others, barking out bets and hitting into the group in front of him but saying it’s OK because “I yelled fore.” I need ESPN to post every second of Jordan golf footage they have immediately, because I cannot get enough.

BEST/WORST: Sunglasses Mike

Nothing says “innocent man without a gambling problem” more than wearing your sunglasses inside for a sit down interview about your gambling problem. At the same time, no one has ever looked cooler than Michael Jordan in sunglasses. Like, if I looked that cool I’d never take them off. It is a best for the look and a worst for the timing on unleashing this look on the world. Even Ahmad Rashad was like, c’mon man, take your sunglasses off, and Ahmad may have lived at Mike’s house at one point or another given that he was riding to games with him.

WORST: Charles Barkley Not Getting A Title And Thus Not Being Respected Enough

Charles Barkley is the most underrated superstar in basketball history. A generation of basketball fans know him as the guy on TNT who makes jokes and picks fights with assorted people in the game and prods Shaq into screaming “I HAVE MORE RINGS THAN YOU” over strange things. It’s unfortunate, because Barkley was an absolutely wonderful basketball player, something that was put on display at the end of episode six.

Even though he won the league MVP award over him, Barkley was not as good as Michael Jordan. The dude was, however, capable of throwing haymakers whenever Jordan threw one of his own — Barkley was legitimately one of the few players who mixed the talent and athleticism necessary to battle Jordan, and the crazy thing is it almost worked. While Chicago beat Phoenix, 4-2, those four losses came by a combined 18 points. They were legitimately a few bounces away from being the only team that knocked Jordan off in the Finals, with Barkley’s 27.3 points, 13 rebounds, and 5.5 assists per game leading the charge.

Of course, Barkley retired without winning a championship, and he’s arguably the greatest to never get a ring. I’m glad that this episode looked at Barkley through the lens of him being an outstanding basketball player and not as a goofball who says funny stuff and likes to gamble. His ability as a basketball player deserves more praise. Also: If ESPN wants another 10-part docuseries after this, please, please, please be about Barkley.

---

View Entire Post ›

Boogie Nights, The Master, and The Talented Mr. Ripley would still be great movies without Philip Seymour Hoffman. Maybe not as great, but still great. The same cannot be said for Along Came Polly, a bad movie that I love and have watched approximately 26 times for the scene where PSH yells “let it rain!” while playing basketball. That’s cinema, folks.

Seymour Hoffman belongs on any list of the greatest actors ever (he’s even great when relegated to the background), so if he gave advice, other actors listened. When asked in a recent interview with Canoe to share the “best advice” he’s ever received, Ethan Hawke (a pretty good actor himself!) shared something Seymour Hoffman told him:

“Philip Seymour Hoffman used to say that you have to do this job and maintain a sense of humor, that we’re just a bunch of kids putting on a play. It’s all a goof. But, also, treat it like life and death and a game that matters. If you can hold both those truths at the same time then you can really have an interesting career.”

Seymour Hoffman followed his own advice because he had an interesting career, going from Oscar fare like Capote and Doubt to big-budget franchises (Mission: Impossible III and The Hunger Games) to… that scene from Happiness. You know the one.

Good advice from a great actor.

(Via Canoe)

This past weekend was the one-year anniversary of Avengers: Endgame.

We’ve heard from the writers and directors of the highest-grossing movie ever, when not adjusted for inflation, but what about the cast? How have they, especially Robert Downey, Jr. and Chris Evans (who have both bid farewell to the Marvel Cinematic Universe), been doing, post-Endgame? Below, I ranked the careers of the six original Avengers — RDJ (Iron Man), Evans (Captain America), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow), Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Mark Ruffalo (Hulk), and Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye) — in the 12 months since Endgame hit theaters. I kept it to the 2012 sextet and not everyone in the MCU because, well, otherwise there would be an obvious winner. It’s Paul Rudd. It’s always Paul Rudd. But as for the non-Paul Rudd superheroes…

6. Jeremy Renner

I mean…

But hey, at least Arctic Dogs, where Renner voices a fox (which is not a dog) named Swifty, had “one of the worst opening weekends” at the box office ever. Congrats?

5. Robert Downey Jr.

There’s good and bad news for RDJ’s post-Endgame career. The bad news: Dolittle was 2020’s “first mega-flop,” with a projected $100 million loss for Universal Pictures on the $175 million-budgeted feature, and it inspired scathing reviews like, “[It’s] one of the worst cinematic fiascos I’ve seen in years” and, “This nothingness doesn’t even have the good grace to be a bad movie. The low-point of every single career involved.” The good news: Dolittle is the year’s third highest-grossing movie. And all it took was a global pandemic! (At least Perry Mason, which Downey, Jr. produced with his wife, looks great.)

4. Mark Ruffalo

Ruffalo was the toughest Avenger to rank, as he’s only had one project since Endgame came out: Dark Waters, Todd Haynes’ warmly-reviewed legal thriller that received light Oscar buzz but failed to pick up any nominations. Ruffalo excels in thrillers, like Zodiac and Shutter Island, but he’s pretty good in most genres, including swoon-worthy romantic comedies (13 Going on 30) and indie-dramas (The Kids Are All Right). I think he’s the best actor of the six, and I’m excited to watch his HBO limited series I Know This Much Is True where he plays identical twin brothers. But if we’re only counting everything that’s come between Endgame and now, it’s tough to elevate Ruffalo over…

3. Chris Hemsworth

Hemsworth might be your favorite Chris, but he’s not the highest Chris on this list. It’s not his fault that Men in Black: International was one of last year’s forgettable movies, but let’s just say that he and Tessa Thompson weren’t able to capture the same crackling connection they had in Thor: Ragnarok. He also had a brief cameo in Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, after the actor’s agent told Kevin Smith that “they got into the movie business because of Clerks, and a starring role in Extraction. Netflix hasn’t released the viewership numbers for the action-thriller yet, but if Spenser Confidential is up to 85 million households, I’d expect nothing less than Extraction becoming the most popular movie of all-time. Move over, Avengers: Endgame! So why is Hemsworth below Evans?

2. Chris Evans

Sweater!

OK, it’s not just the sweater — his smug performance in Knives Out stood out among a crowded ensemble, and Defending Jacob is one of Apple TV+’s most anticipated series to date — but it doesn’t hurt. If Evans plays the dentist in Little Shop of Horrors, as rumored, he’ll shoot to the top of the ranking. But for now, it’s hard to say no to ScarJo.

1. Scarlett Johansson

Johansson is now one of only 12 actors to receive double nominations in the same year in Oscar history: Best Actress for Marriage Story, and Best Supporting Actress for Jojo Rabbit. She lost both, but it was still a historic flex. Honestly, Johansson was an easy choice for number one, even with Black Widow, her solo Marvel movie, pushed back to later this year. You know why? Her smartest career choice of all: not appearing on Colin Jost’s couch next to his guitar. That would have put her in Renner territory.

Musicians are unable to perform live and earn a living that way right now, so understandably, these are trying times for some in the music community. So, a group of Philadelphia musicians stepped up to help with Love From Philly Live, a charity livestream that took place over the weekend. The event benefited 30 Amp Circuit, a non-profit that was “created specifically to promote health and wellness for musicians and those that work for them.” One of the highlights was a quick set from The War On Drugs, who performed (remotely, of course) a pair of favorites from recent albums, “Pain” and “Under The Pressure.”

Ahead of the performance, the band wrote on Instagram, “We’re so psyched and honored to be featured on the @lovefromphillylive #lovefromphilly virtual fundraiser for the Philadelphia entertainment community. ALL proceeds will benefit @30ampcircuit . So many of our friends and neighbors from the Philly music community are gonna be there so make sure to grab yourself a Philly special and tune in. Plus you’ll get to catch a glimpse of our life at home these days. Did I wear the same clothes for three days just to get a halfway decent version of ‘under the pressure?’ If DI guitars sound this good then why do I have all these stupid amps? Or is Anthony in a ‘tchotchke-off’ with lee Sklar? Are midi cables the only thing buried in robbie’s basement? The answers to these questions and more…this SUNDAY NIGHT MAY 3.”

Watch The War On Drugs perform “Pain” and “Under The Pressure” above.

Travis Scott blew minds last month when he became one of the first rappers to perform a virtual concert in a video game — a move that may open the door for future opportunities for other entertainers. His innovative “live” appearance in the popular online multiplayer game Fortnite is paying off on the back end, boosting his best-selling 2018 album Astroworld back into the top 10 of the Billboard 200 chart.

While the album has barely fallen off since its No. 1 debut in August 2018, hanging around at No. 30 last week, in the wake of Travis’ Fortnite concert, the album picked up 28,000 units and jumped over 20 spots to land back at No. 9 in its 91st week on the chart.

Rumors of the event began circulating when Travis in-game avatar leaked online a few weeks ahead of the concert. While some fans speculated that it meant Travis’ avatar would become a playable character, anticipation soared when Epic Games announced that Travis would “perform” a concert in a one-of-a-kind live event, debuting a new song during the concert to sweeten the deal. The developer also made the Travis Scott avatar available to players along with emotes based on some of Travis’ notable performance moments, including the meme of him holding a mic stand over his head with pyrotechnics in the background.

The livestream broke Fortnite‘s online engagement record, which helps explain why Astroworld received a boost: Travis likely made a lot of new fans that night — fans who would have wanted to get caught up on his back catalog.

Listen to Travis’ new track which debuted during the stream, the Kid Cudi collaboration “The Scotts,” above.

---

View Entire Post ›

Chris Hemsworth’s success outside of the MCU has, to be fair, hit some bumps along the road. That’s translated into less-than-impressive box-office showings for Men In Black: International, Bad Times at the El Royale, and the Ghostbusters reboot. To be fair, the MIB sequel is the only one of these films with Hemsworth in a lead role, but it still left a mark, one that’s probably been erased by Netflix’s Extraction, which sees him re-team with the Russo Brothers in what’s essentially 2020’s only blockbuster so far. The movie stars Hemsworth as Tyler Rake, an ass-kicking mercenary who throws down within a smorgasbord of ass-kicking while evoking another ass-kicker, Mel Gibson’s Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon. And the (professed) viewing numbers are looking enormous, although (as always) Netflix is the one making the declarations with a specific metric that doesn’t require viewers to watch an entire movie.

One can’t deny, though, that Netflix’s professed audience numbers for event movies are only growing bigger, and with Extraction landing during quarantine, those numbers are poised to break records. The film might not have been Netflix’s most popular movie this past weekend, but cumulatively speaking, the movie (according to Chris Hemsworth) is set to be Netflix’s largest feature film release ever. Bigger than Bright, Bird Box, and Michael Bay and Ryan Reynolds’ 6 Underground? Yes, and an excited Hemsworth took to Instagram to thank fans while claiming some #1 statuses:

“Hey, what’s up guys, I hope you’re doing well. I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who checked out Extraction — you’ve made it the number one film on the planet right now, and it looks like it’s going to be Netflix’s biggest feature film of all time, which is absolutely mind-blowing. We are blown away by the response and the support.”

So, how massive of an audience will Extraction eventually reap? Well, if it beats previous record-holder 6 Underground, which (reportedly) scored 83 million clicks, it’s a success by any standard. Yet given that Netflix’s adjusted metric counts a “watch” whenever an account streams two minutes or more of a title, all numbers should be viewed with a dash of perspective. With that said, another post on Hemsworth’s Instagram account is claiming that 90 million viewers is the projection.

Watch Hemsworth’s effusive message of gratitude below.

Of all the “celebrities virtually coming together” videos to come out since the country has been in quarantine, my personal favorite might be the “Boss B*tch Fight Challenge.” What’s not to like? There’s Margot Robbie (with her Harley Quinn bat), Halle Berry, Scarlett Johansson, Rosie Perez, Thandie Newton, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood scene-stealer Julia Butters, and Florence Pugh being, well, “boss b*tches,” as organizer Zoë Bell would put it. It’s well-edited and fun (especially Daryl Hannah channeling her Kill Bill character), and it’s also Cameron Diaz’s first “performance” in years.

Diaz is technically playing a grocery bag-throwing version of herself, but it’s still the first time the actress has been on-screen in years, even if it’s just an iPhone. The There’s Something About Mary star, who hasn’t appeared in a TV show or movie since 2014’s one-two shot of Sex Tape and Annie, announced in 2018 that she had “retired” from acting. “I started [experiencing fame] when I was 22, so 25 years ago — that’s a long time. The way I look at it is that I’ve given more than half of my life to the public,” she said. “I feel it’s OK for me to take time for myself now to reorganize and choose how I want to come [back] into the world… I don’t miss performing… But whatever I do, it has to be something I’m passionate about, something that just feels effortless.”

I guess kicking ass feels effortless to Diaz. Makes sense.

The ‘Billions’ Stock Watch is a weekly accounting of the action on the Showtime drama. Decisions will be made based on speculation and occasional misinformation and mysterious whims that are never fully explained to the general public. Kind of like the real stock market.

STOCK DOWN — Double crosses

Welcome back, you beautiful, duplicitous television program. Only one episode into the season and we’ve already moved from double-crosses to triple crosses. And Chuck Rhoades is marching into a dimly lit bar, flopping into a booth, and just straight-up saying “It’s a triple cross” before he even says hello. I’m so happy I might explode.

Let’s backtrack a little, though, just so we’re all on the same page. At the end of last season, Chuck and Axe worked together to trap Taylor in a murky situation that resulted in Taylor’s personal fund folding into Axe’s. But, unbeknownst to Axe, Taylor agreed to work with Chuck to ruin Axe from the inside, largely because Chuck was deeply jealous of and angry at Axe for being Wendy’s savior in her fight to save her medical license, and also because that’s just what Chuck does. And unbeknownst to both Chuck and Axe, Taylor had a plan to play matador and let the two bulls charge wildly gore each other in the ring. It was a lot. Billions rules.

And now it’s even more, somehow. Taylor gave Chuck info about a Bitcoin farm Axe is helping to bankroll, Chuck busted the farm and pressed Taylor for even more info, Taylor spilled the beans to Axe, Axe attempted to play nice with Chuck by returning the first-edition Churchill works that Chuck sold last season, Chuck immediately saw through this and diagnosed the aforementioned triple cross, and here we are.

On another show, a lesser one, this could be enough plot for most of a season. On Billions, it took up about 25 minutes, total, leaving plenty of time for hallucinogenic hijinks and cameos by WWE superstars and a full-on wedding. Billions moves very fast, always, heaving people and debris out of its way as it speeds by, kind of like a runaway locomotive barreling through Mardi Gras. To be clear, this is the highest compliment I know how to give.

Also, to continue being clear, just once in my entire stupid life I’d like to storm into a dimly lit bar, belly up to a table where my co-conspirator is waiting, and announce “It’s a triple cross.” The rush you must feel as the words leave your lips… my God. More powerful than any drug you can buy.

STOCK UP — Bizarro Axe

Well, hello there, Mike Prince, as portrayed by television’s Corey Stoll. Pleasure to meet you. I feel like I’m going to like you. I’m almost sure of it. Yes, there’s the thing where you’re like the flipside of the Axelrod coin, a conscientious investor who claims to be attempting to do good as he’s doing well, a money man who is human first, someone who cares about the means and the ends. All of that.

But mostly I think I’m going to like you because you seem like a worthy adversary who gets under Axe’s skin. We haven’t seen many of those lately, at least on the money side of the show. It’s not that you’re even a threat, really, except to Axe’s pride, as we saw when you snaked him at the Vanity Fair cover shoot for the new crew of Decas (people with a net worth of over $10 billion) (and seriously, read the room here, fictional Vanity Fair), which Axe claimed not to care about and then promptly began plotting to ruin you over. Also, I think you’re probably full of hooey and I can’t wait for that reveal in a few weeks.

STOCK DOWN — Ayahuasca, generally

If there are two things in this world that are very much not for me, they would be, one, the great outdoors, and two, vomiting my brains out, so ayahuasca is not something that has ever really intrigued me, alleged universal clarity be damned. But good for Axe and Wags, though. Kind of. It is a little funny that the whole office is tearing itself apart in the wake of a hastily constructed revenge merger and Axe and Wags just decided to hop on motorcycles to screw off and do psychedelics to celebrate Axe’s net worth hitting 10 figures, but whatever. Again, I am not intrigued by the allure of puke-inducing braindrugs and I have barely half as many figures to my name as Axe, so maybe I just don’t get it.

Axe did not appear to be having fun, though. Wags was all Mother Earth and hooting owls and Axe was going on maniacal rants about kings and power, and I’m pretty sure he was stalking around the fire on all fours like a prowling jungle cat, if anyone needed another “Bobby Axelrod is an apex predator” metaphor. Axe does not seem like a dude who is wired at all for a mind-enhancing superdrug. I think he’d benefit more from, like, a weed brownie and some herbal tea. Man needs to wind down, is what I’m saying.

STOCK UP — Beards, though

All that said, big fan of the self-discovery beard. And the wild mane of hair. Axe looks like a straight-up Game of Thrones character here, like Damian Lewis is still annoyed that he’s the one working British actor in the world who wasn’t brought in for an audition on that show, like he’s cosplaying as Biker Tormund to exorcise those demons. I love it. Or rather, I loved it, past tense. I was devastated to see him clean-shaven and tightened-up at that Vanity Fair shoot. I was hoping he’d come back to the office holding a sword and the detached head of one of his many mortal enemies. Set the tone. Show everyone who’s boss. Make Brian happy.

That’s what I’m really getting at here. My enjoyment. Grow the beard back. Come on.

STOCK DOWN — Chuck Rhoades, personally if not professionally

In addition to being on the receiving end of this absolutely crushing exchange, one that made me physically wince and realize how much I never want to get into a heated argument with a trained psychologist, this was Chuck’s week:

• Had to give a speech at his father’s wedding to a woman half his age, possibly less
• Got roasted by his friends
• Had such a bad night at the wedding, generally and also in his specific conversation with his soon-to-be ex-wife, that he ran off for an emergency midnight session with his dominatrix, which required him to turn off his phone, which resulted in him missing many texts and calls from Wendy about their son having a medical emergency resulting from chugging whiskey at the wedding like Wild West outlaw, which is what led to the painful exchange above
• Read about his divorce in the New York gossip rags, in a statement Wendy crafted with Lauren, Taylor’s PR whiz, and zero input from him
• And Wendy is living in the spare, masterpiece-covered penthouse apartment owned by the hated adversary he has been hellbent on ruining for something like half of his adult life

But at least he has those books, I guess.

STOCK UP — Bonnie, God bless her

This is where I should probably discuss the cameo by WWE superstar Becky Lynch, who is apparently friends with Wendy, in what is possibly the wildest cameo this show has seen since Axe greased the wheels of a deal by having Kevin Durant record a Bar Mitzvah greeting on a cell phone. I’m not going to do that, though. Instead, I’m going to highlight the fact that Bonnie responded to a very reasonable HR-related complaint by lifting both of her palms to her face and ripping off an extended fake fart that someone in the captions department had to — got to? — transcribe. I’m so happy for everyone involved here.

STOCK DOWN — Kate Sacker

Kate Sacker is the best. She’s the most competent and confident person in the room in most of the rooms she’s in, she gets stuff done and takes zero of Chuck’s crap, and she has everything lined up for a nice springboard into Congress. From there, presumably the Senate and/or the Oval Office. She’s an impressive lady who I would never cross in a million years and when she stares at people it looks like she is trying to turn them into dust right there on the floor. One day she’ll probably succeed.

But this is not good. We’re a single episode into this season and she’s already at least two strikes into Billions Characters Headed For Personal And/Or Professional Ruin situation. The first was articulating her plans for the future, the thing about Congress. No one on Billions ever gets to see their dreams through. Every dreamer gets crushed and swept up and tossed into a trash can. Remember Rebecca Cantu and her short-lived plan to run a department store? Remember Lara Axelrod’s hangover recovery business? Remember Ice Juice? Saying your dreams out loud on Billions is like having two weeks until retirement in a buddy cop movie. Things are about to go sideways for you. Quickly.

Which brings us to strike two: Working with Chuck to go after Axe. If there’s one thing we’ve learned for certain about Billions over its four-plus seasons, it’s that Axe and Chuck are two cockroaches who will still be left standing after the apocalypse — which they probably caused — while everyone else around them gets vaporized. Sacker is about to get Connerty’d. I feel it coming and I hate it.

STOCK UP — Calling in the brain trust

I loved everything about the scene where Axe’s diabolical henchmen — Wags, Dollar Bill, and Victor — gave him an update on the Bitcoin prosecution. I love that all three of them came to deliver a brief message any one of them could have easily delivered solo. I love that they came in strutting in a wide line like a teenage street gang from West Side Story. I love that Axe, who presumably knew they were coming, was waiting for them while sitting in a chair facing the opposite direction and staring out his penthouse window at the city skyline around him like a total supervillain.

I missed you so much, Billions. Never leave me again.