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Despite there not being a consensus top prospect in this year’s NBA Draft like there was a year ago when Victor Wembanyama dominated headlines from France, the race to the bottom in the NBA is far more aggressive this season. There are four teams on pace to finish below 20 wins on the season right now, as the Pistons, Wizards, Spurs, and Hornets all find themselves with 10 wins or fewer as we’ve crossed the midway point of the season.

What’s fascinating is that two of those teams — Detroit and Charlotte — weren’t actively trying to be this bad coming into the season, but have managed to bottom out, anyway. The Pistons are still looking for roster upgrades as the deadline looms, determined to try and crawl out of the NBA’s cellar after enduring the longest losing streak in league history. The Hornets have gone the other way and seem to just be embracing a rebuild after trading Terry Rozier in what looks to signal the start of a fire sale to build around LaMelo Ball and Brandon Miller for the future. Washington tore it down this summer and seemed hopeful they wouldn’t be quite this bad with Kyle Kuzma and Jordan Poole, but this group has just not panned out. The Spurs, however, are closer to where everyone thought they’d be as they preached patience building around Victor Wembanyama.

The rosters for all four teams have real issues and not a lot of clear fixes. They’re probably going to be in this position for awhile as they try to rebuild and acquire talent, and they are just a rough watch on most nights. However, this week was a round-robin of sorts for the bottom 4, as the Spurs beat the Wizards (131-127), Pistons beat the Hornets (113-106), and Hornets beat the Spurs (124-120) in three competitive and exciting games, which we don’t often get involving these teams.

What I propose after watching this mini-tournament at the bottom of the league is the NBA just scrap the rest of the schedule for these teams and have them exclusively play each other for the rest of the season for the betterment of everyone involved. Why make them travel the country getting bludgeoned by the rest of the league? Instead, we could have them play each other and actually get their young players some reps in competitive games that come down to the fourth quarter. You could even give the team that wins the most in the Tank League the top pick in the NBA Draft to incentivize them to actually keep trying all the way through if you wanted to. The downside to this plan, of course, is that we’d lose out on some very funny moments, like when the Hornets completed an outrageous comeback to beat the Timberwolves despite Karl-Anthony Towns scoring 62.

I know none of this will happen, but this week was a reminder of how close all four of those teams are to each other as they swapped wins and losses and pushed each other in a way we rarely get to see when they face the rest of the league. There’s no real drama as to where these four teams land in this week in DIME’s Power Rankings, but let’s dive in to the full list for Week 13 of the season.

TIER I: The Contenders

1. Boston Celtics (35-10, Last week: 1)
2. Oklahoma City Thunder (31-13, Last week: 3)
3. Minnesota Timberwolves (32-13, Last week: 2)
4. Los Angeles Clippers (28-14, Last week: 4)
5. Milwaukee Bucks (31-13, Last week: 6)
6. Denver Nuggets (31-15, Last week: 5)
7. Philadelphia 76ers (29-14, Last week: 7)

There’s no change at the top this week, as the Celtics just keep rattling off wins and, even with the occasional hiccup here and there, they look like the league’s most complete team and have not lost back-to-back games once this year. The Thunder jump into the 2-spot fresh off of four straight wins, as they show no signs of slowing down and seem to just keep gaining confidence as a unit. The Timberwolves have not had their best week with losses to OKC and Charlotte, which was one of the worst losses of the year with KAT going for 62 in defeat and Chris Finch torching his team’s focus after. They have bounced back with two wins since and they still have the West’s best record, it just all looks a touch more difficult right now for the Wolves than it did previously.

The Clippers keep rolling along, with Kawhi Leonard playing some truly outrageous basketball right now (and, really, for the last year). Milwaukee moves up this week as they rattle off three straight wins despite firing their coach in his first year and hiring Doc Rivers. That’ll bring plenty of playoff questions but it certainly seems like it should be an upgrade for the time being. Denver slides one spot after getting demolished by the Knicks, but there aren’t any real concerns for the defending champs. Philly also has been cruising for the most part, with Joel Embiid putting up one of the greatest scoring seasons in NBA history, most recently putting 70 on Victor Wembanyama and the Spurs.

TIER II: Good Vibes Teams

8. New York Knicks (28-17, Last week: 10)
9. Cleveland Cavaliers (26-16, Last week: 8)
10. Phoenix Suns (26-18, Last week: 14)
11. New Orleans Pelicans (26-18, Last week: 9)
12. Sacramento Kings (25-18, Last week: 15)
13. Indiana Pacers (25-20, Last week: 13)

The next tier features six teams that are all feeling pretty good about their standing right. The Knicks have been unbelievable with OG Anunoby on the floor since trading for him and they keep climbing the East standings, narrowing the gap to Philly to just two games. The Cavs have likewise been in a groove, as they took advantage of a soft spot in their schedule to pile up wins even with the continued absences of Evan Mobley and Darius Garland, and have gotten back to playing great defense and letting it fly from three (Sam Merrill is on an unreal heater of late). The Suns have won 7 straight and are looking an awful lot like the contender we thought they’d be, and while they seem to be on the hunt for some more depth, their Big 3 plus Grayson Allen (speaking of shooting heaters) have been tremendous of late. The Kings and Pacers both snapped losing streaks recently, but even after skids they both are feeling pretty good about things, with Sacramento a candidate to make a deadline move and Indiana just patiently waiting to finally get Tyrese Haliburton and Pascal Siakam on the floor together. The Pacers, in particular, are fascinating because for all their defensive shortcomings, they’ve been great against the top teams in the East this season.

TIER III: Change Is Coming

14. Miami Heat (24-21, Last week: 11)
15. Dallas Mavericks (24-20, Last week: 12)
16. Utah Jazz (23-23, Last week: 16)
17. Orlando Magic (23-21, Last week: 17)
18. Los Angeles Lakers (23-23, Last week: 18)

The Heat are in the midst of a 5-game losing streak, and while adding Terry Rozier should be helpful, they look like a team that’s in need of more help. They just don’t seem to have the juice on offense to hang with the top teams and the defense isn’t as good as it once was to make up for it. Dallas, meanwhile, has lost three straight and has the opposite issue where they need to be an offensive buzzsaw to overcome a below average defense and can’t seem to find that level consistently. Utah continues to hang around at .500, but have cooled off since their recent hot streak. Orlando just isn’t getting enough offensively from their backcourt and they’re a candidate to seek out a boost there. The Lakers likewise keep hovering around .500 and are connected to every big name in trade rumors, and it seems like a matter of when not if they shake things up.

TIER IV: Bad Vibes Teams

19. Houston Rockets (20-23, Last week: 19)
20. Chicago Bulls (21-25, Last week: 20)
21. Golden State Warriors (19-23, Last week: 21)
22. Atlanta Hawks (18-26, Last week: 22)
23. Memphis Grizzlies (17-27, Last week: 24)
24. Brooklyn Nets (17-27, Last week: 25)
25. Toronto Raptors (16-28, Last week: 23)

Bad vibes might be harsh for the Rockets, Bulls, and Grizzlies. Memphis has an excuse of everyone being hurt (and their young guys play hard every night), Houston is just kind of run of the mill mediocre rather than heavily underperforming like the others, and Chicago’s been perfectly fine after a dreadful start. The rest of the teams, however, are just not where they wanted or expected to be. Toronto has at least embraced a rebuild, but it’s ugly right now watching them play. The Warriors already complicated season now includes the emotional weight of the sudden passing of assistant coach Dejan Milojevic and the difficulty of navigating the grieving process in the middle of a season. The Hawks just need to blow it up, while the Nets are just not well constructed and have nights where they completely no-show, which is a bad combo.

TIER V: The Blazers

26. Portland Trail Blazers (13-31, Last week: 26)

Portland is fairly competitive in their current form and they’re a threat to win most nights, which is a step in the right direction for a young team figuring things out in a post-Dame world. To me, that stride forward is deserving of not being lumped in with the teams below that basically only get wins when they play each other or have a team forget to play basketball while trying to get a star to 100 points.

TIER VI: Let Them Fight

27. Charlotte Hornets (10-32, Last week: 28)
28. San Antonio Spurs (8-36, Last week: 27)
29. Detroit Pistons (5-39, Last week: 29)
30. Washington Wizards (7-37, Last week: 30)

I really think it would be to the benefit of everyone if we just quarantined this group into their own mini-league. We have a Wizards team that might be at rock bottom after firing Wes Unseld Jr. (while still employing him in an advisory role), a Hornets team that’s begun a fire sale, a Pistons team that is attached to every star on the trade market despite holding the NBA’s worst record, and a Spurs team where Victor Wembanyama is fun but when they play a good team they tend to get absolutely lit up, highlighted by giving up 70 to Joel Embiid.

Flyana Boss was everywhere in 2023 — both figuratively and not-quite literally — as the two champions for “weird Black girls” took their breakout single “You Wish” to all kinds of unusual places for running videos and jogged themselves right into some lucrative brand sponsorships. They’re looking to carry that momentum into the new year, releasing their latest single, “Candyman,” after a similar long run-up on social media (okay, I’ll chill with the running jokes now).

Where “You Wish” was a dismissive putdown to wannabes and featured full-bodied but carefree boasts about the girls’ recent come-up (or manifestations of the come-up in the making, as they told me in an interview last year), “Candyman” is a more coy love letter to their crushes. Using confectionary-coded wordplay to declare one’s affections is a well-worn trope, but one Folayan and Bobbi wield well. The production is bright and bass-heavy, with the girls showing off their vocal chops as well as their witty wordplay. “I call him my Grub Hubby, he gon’ feed me,” Folayan jokes.

The duo’s appreciation for music history shows both in the track and on its cheeky cover art, which references the cover photo from Minnie Riperton’s 1974 album Perfect Angel. Meanwhile, they’re kicking off a headlining tour in February

Heidi Klum and 2024 Super Bowl in-game DJ Tiësto just teamed up for a new cover of Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses At Night,” and for the promo, sunglasses are about all Klum is wearing at night.

The official visualizer itself (above) is relatively tame, showing Klum striking poses in moody environments. Where Klum let loose, though, was in a couple of teaser clips leading up to the song, in which she wears bikini bottoms, a fur coat, and sunglasses (of course) as she poses topless on a beach.

The recording will serve as the theme song for the upcoming season of Germany’s Next Topmodel, which Klum is currently filming in Los Angeles, as Rolling Stone notes.

Klum and Tiësto spoke about the track with the publication, with Klum saying, “Tijs is like my EDM god. I’ve been a stalker for many, many years from afar, and we’ve known each other for a little bit now. One day, I just said, ‘I have a really good idea of a track.’ He said, “I loved the idea right away. It’s a really perfect model song as well. It fits Heidi so well. The club scene, the glamorous life that you’ve been living. I was inspired right away.”

Klum also noted that Hart was on board with her cover, calling him “the sweetest.”

Listen to Klum and Tiësto’s “Sunglasses At Night” above.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Keanu Reeves is set to be honored with a new award that’s going to hit everyone right in the heart. As part of this year’s Saturn Awards, Reeves will be the first-time recipient of the Lance Reddick Legacy Award. Both Reeves and Reddick starred in the John Wick films together. Unfortunately, Reddick passed away shortly before the release of John Wick: Chapter 4, prompting an outpouring of love from not just his co-stars, but the entire acting community.

According to a press release from The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror Films, Reeves couldn’t be a more perfect fit for the Legacy Award that honors both men:

This award symbolizes and celebrates not only a performer’s talent, but their character; someone who’s a true goodwill ambassador in the industry. From Science Fiction (“The Matrix Trilogy”), Fantasy (“Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”/”Constantine”) & Horror (Francis Ford Coppola’s “Dracula”/”The Devil’s Advocate”), Keanu has done it all — not to mention ”Speed” and ”Point Break.” Keanu is not just a Hollywood icon but also a shining example of humility and gratitude. Throughout his incredible career, he has never forgotten the support of his fans and the filmmakers who’ve supported him all these years. We’re thrilled to celebrate Lance’s memory with a dear friend and a genre icon.

In a move that will have dads everywhere reaching for their tissues, Bosch star Titus Welliver, who worked with Reddick on the hit Amazon series, will be on hand to present the Legacy Award to Reeves.

The 51st Annual Saturn Awards will stream February 4 at 4 PM PST on ElectricNow.

After delighting HBO viewers with his awkward presence for almost two decades, Larry David‘s time on Curb Your Enthusiasm is finally coming to an end. The comedian ended months of speculation by officially confirming that Season 12 will be the last season of the sitcom starring a supposedly exaggerated version of himself.

“As Curb comes to an end, I will now have the opportunity to finally shed this ‘Larry David’ persona and become the person God intended me to be – the thoughtful, kind, caring, considerate human being I was until I got derailed by portraying this malignant character,” David said in a statement to Deadline. “And so ‘Larry David,’ I bid you farewell. Your misanthropy will not be missed. And for those of you who would like to get in touch with me, you can reach me at Doctors Without Borders.”

As for what to expect from the 12th and final season, we got all the details below:

Plot

Like any good comedy series, the final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm isn’t going to break the mold of the formula that’s made it’s a modern classic. So, basically, expect lots of Larry David bungling into awkward social situations and doing things like saying he’d look “pretty, pretty, pretty cute” with breasts, which is just one of the hilarious moments spotted in the Season 12 trailer. He also gets into some antics at a funeral and continues to reaffirm why he’s just the worst to be around.

Here’s the official synopsis for the final season:

Starring Larry David as an over-the-top version of himself, Curb Your Enthusiasm offers a tongue-in-cheek depiction of the writer/producer/comedian’s fictionalized life. The comedy series continues to prove how seemingly trivial details of one’s day-to-day life can precipitate a catastrophic chain of events.

While that’s a general description of what to expect, Larry sums everything more succinctly in this pitch-perfect line from the Season 12 trailer. “I really did the best under the circumstances of a person who hates people and yet had to be amongst them.”

Cast

Obviously, Larry David will return as curmudgeonly version of himself, which again, he swears he’s not like in real life. David will be joined by series regulars J.B. Smoove, Cheryl Hines, Susie Essman, Richard Lewis and Ted Danson. Despite his alleged troubles on the set of The Goldbergs, Jeff Garlin will also be back for the final season.

Based on the trailer, Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 12 will feature cameo appearances from Tracy Ullman, Daniel Levy, Sharlto Copley, and Vince Vaughn.

Release Date

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 12 will premiere February 4 at 10 PM ET on HBO with new episodes dropping every Sunday until the series finale on April 17. Season 12 episodes will also be available for streaming on Max at the same time that they air.

Trailer

You can watch the official Season 12 trailer below:

Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 12 premieres February 4 on HBO.

Eminem really wishes it was 2004. That’s the only reason I can think of why he’s still bothering with Benzino over 20 years later. Maybe he sees their old feud as a legendary, multi-generational saga like the Hatfields and McCoys, but it’s more like the plot of Grumpy Old Men. And it’s getting closer all the time (Em is now 51, while Benzino is 58), all while aging like the fish Max leaves in John’s car at the end. Spoilers for a 30-year-old movie, I guess.

Alas, here we are in 2024, with Eminem again dedicating several bars to his distaste for his age-old nemesis — arguably too many, although that’d be true of even one — on his new song “Doomsday Pt. 2” from Lyrical Lemonade’s new album All Is Yellow. “Now I got a riddle, one condition, you mustn’t laugh / What is the opposite of Benzino? A giraffe / Go at his neck,’ how the f*ck is that? How can I go at somethin’ he doesn’t have? / Arms so short he can’t even touch his hands / When they’re up above his head doin’ jumpin’ jacks.”

He goes on in this vein for another twelve bars (TWELVE!!), setting up an overly elaborate gay joke (booooo!) and a mildly witty reference to a 2023 Coi Leray interview where she was asked about collaborating with Eminem despite her dad.

Yes, Benzino lied about Michael Jackson praising him for dissing Eminem (sure, Ray) as recently as last April, but the only person still paying attention to that guy besides Coi is Eminem. Maybe just ignore him, Marshall, it’s not like either of you is getting anything out of this anymore. Today, we are all Coi Leray:

In any event, you can check out the full song below and stream Everything Is Yellow here. For more current rap beefs, check out our tag.

In the seemingly never-ending war between Marvel and “real cinema,” legendary director Martin Scorsese has been heralded as a champion of preserving cinematic integrity thanks to his willingness to call out superhero films. With that in mind, surely Marty must be a proponent of the theatrical experience. Not so much.

Doing a new interview to promote the Oscars campaign for Killers of the Flower Moon, Scorsese was asked if sneaks into public screenings of his own films, and his answer was pretty surprising. Turns out, the iconic director is well aware that going to the movie theaters can be a frustrating experience.

Via Variety:

I don’t do that. People talk and move around a lot. I’m short and there’s always a big person in front of me. It’s the same with Broadway — I can’t go to theater. There’s someone in front of me, and I can’t see the stage or hear the show. I really enjoy Imax as I get older. You go in, you can sit up in the back and you’re sort of looking up. Regular screenings, I have found the audiences becoming a bit more raucous than they used to be.

While Marty being refreshingly blunt is par for the course, it is notable that he’s zeroed on a real issue that’s strangling the theater experience: it’s not home. You give up a whole evening — and if you’re a non-millionaire director, a sizable chunk of change — to sit inside a dark box with constantly talking patrons and a cavalcade of distractions from flashing phone screens to crinkling snacks.

And if you’re seeing one of Marty’s movies, you’re going to be there long time and don’t you dare expect an intermission for your poor bladder.

Killers of the Flower Moon is now streaming on Apple TV where no one will sit in front of you and there’s a pause button at your disposal.

(Via Variety)

Last year, after John Wick “retired,” it seemed like we would be left without a rugged hitman to cheer on, despite his overly violent ways. Luckily, Dev Patel decided to jump in and fill the Wick-shaped hole in our hearts with his new movie Monkey Man by knocking the lights out of everyone around him. He knows exactly what the fans want.

The film is inspired by the ancient legend of Hanuman and was entirely shot in Mumbai. It also marks Patel’s directorial debut.

The movie was originally set for a Netflix release after the streamer acquired the rights in 2021, but now it’s heading to the big screen thanks to Jordan Peele‘s Monkeypaw and Universal. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Peele caught an early viewing and was so impressed by Patel’s project that he decided it needed a wide release. Here is the official synopsis:

After years of suppressed rage, Kid discovers a way to infiltrate the enclave of the city’s sinister elite. As his childhood trauma boils over, his mysteriously scarred hands unleash an explosive campaign of retribution to settle the score with the men who took everything from him.

Monkey Man will hit theaters on April 5th. The cast also includes Sharlto Copley, Sobhita Dhulipala, Pitobash, Vipin Sharma, Ashwini Kalsekar, Adithi Kalkunte, Sikandar Kher, and Makarand Deshpande. Check out the action-packed trailer above.

(Via Variety)

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE – This is the best movie I have ever seen

I saw The Beekeeper and it was everything I hoped it would be. It lived up to everything the trailer promised, which is impressive because the trailer was a masterpiece. The movie was under two hours of Jason Statham wrecking comically evil bad guys with elbows and fire and I could not have loved it more. It was silly and fun and satisfying in a way I have not experienced since I saw The Accountant. There was a couple sitting behind me in the theater that appeared to be having the time of their lives on a weekend afternoon. A lovely time at the cinema for everyone.

I’ve discovered something fun since I saw it, though: I think I might enjoy explaining the plot of this movie to people as much as I enjoyed actually watching it. Maybe more. Like, here’s the official description.

One man’s brutal campaign for vengeance takes on national stakes after it’s revealed he’s a former operative of a powerful and clandestine organization known as Beekeepers.

Which, yes, accurate. And here’s the trailer, once again, which fills things in a bit more.

But there is so much more happening here. Just a steady run of the wildest stuff you’ve ever seen slapped between scenes where Jason Statham murders evildoers. I have explained the plot of this movie to a handful of people since I saw it and I cannot remember ever being happier explaining anything to anyone with the possible exception of the golden toilet heist. I’m going to explain it all here in a series of bullet points. Yes, these are spoilers, wall to wall. No, I do not think it will ruin this movie even a little for you. I say this because I know all of these things and I still can’t wait to watch it on basic cable 45 times over the next five years. I will not be offended if you scroll past all of this on principle but… I mean, come on.

I promise all of this is true.

• Phylicia Rashad gets scammed out of millions of dollars she managed for a charity that benefited kids by a snotty little dweeb in a shiny suit who runs like a Boiler Room for internet scams
• Jason Statham — the character has another name, but whatever — has been living in her shed and making honey and comes in for dinner to discover she’s committed suicide after losing the money
• Her daughter is an FBI agent who was already investigating the scam with no success
• Jason Statham makes one phone call on an old cell phone that looks like a walkie-talkie and finds out who is behind it
• He blows up their building
• Jason Statham is not just a beekeeper, it turns out, but also A Beekeeper, an off-book group of top secret government contractors who “protect the hive” of society by doing whatever needs to be done — laws be damned — to maintain justice
• Statham has retired but this is enough to bring him back
• The scammers turn out to be a part of a huge operation run by a little snot who skateboards around his massive headquarters and gets massages and eats sushi all day
• Jeremy Irons — again, the character has a name but whatever — also works there as the head of security
• His character was the head of the CIA and is doing the job as a favor to the snot’s mother
• Minnie Driver shows up for like 30 seconds as the current head of the CIA
• Statham keeps murdering people to get to the bottom of it all
• The snot is connected and protected in ways that seem odd aaaaaaaand guess what: his mother is the President of the United States
• lol
• He bankrolled her campaign with the scams, which use CIA technology meant to hunt terrorists
• Jason Statham storms her Florida compound
• He murders like 100 people and cuts through the whole Secret Service like butter that’s been softened in the microwave
• I really can’t stress strongly enough to any of you how many things blow up in this movie
• Jeremy Irons explains everything in one of those speeches where decades of backstory are covered in like four minutes
• Statham gets into the President’s private office and puts a bullet in the snot’s forehead when he tries to hold his mother — THE PRESIDENT— hostage
• Statham escapes out the window and scuba dives away safely despite the entire damn military being on high alert

There is more that happens. I didn’t even get to the lady with the mohawk who shoots up a gas station with a massive gun mounted to her truck. Or the guy with the neck tattoo and the unplaceable accent who literally says “to bee or not to bee” at one point. We can get into that another time. I will always be ready to talk about this movie. Come over and watch it with me sometime when it hits streaming. I will smile and giggle the entire time.

The Beekeeper. Great movie. I need at least three sequels.

ITEM NUMBER TWO – June Squibb rules

Hey, speaking of movies where senior citizens get scammed out of money by tech-savvy weasels, it brings me great pleasure to bring the upcoming movie Thelma to your attention. It’s a little different than The Beekeeper. For one, it’s a fun little Sundance romp instead of a mass market murder festival. And also, more importantly, this time the revenge tour is carried out by the old lady herself, not the mysterious honey purveyor who lives in her shed. Which is… cool.

Also cool: The titular Thelma in Thelma is played by 94-year-old June Squibb, who proudly declared to Variety that she did some of her own stunts for the movie. Look at June.

In one scene, Squibb hijacks an electric scooter and has a vehicular showdown in a retirement home with Ben, played by the late Richard Roundtree in his final screen performance. The two zoom into each other and crash, as Squibb plows Roundtree’s scooter out of the way.

“They weren’t expecting me to do the scooter work,” Squibb says. “They were so worried about me, they thought I was going to kill myself. They said, ‘Just tap his scooter,’ and I thought, ‘Oh, hell,’ and I just cowed into him.”

This is one of the more righteous things I’ve ever read, which I say both as a dude who uses a power wheelchair and gets annoyed when people overdo the caution around me and as someone who loves the idea of old ladies wrecking people in action movies. Put June Squibb in the next Fast & Furious movie. Hook her scooter up with NoS. Let Ludacris ride on the handlebars with a shotgun in his arms. This is how we should do movies from now on.

ITEM NUMBER THREE – A fond farewell to The Flight Attendant

The bloodbath at Max continues this month. First it was shows like Rap Sh!t and my beloved Our Flag Means Death getting the ax, now it’s The Flight Attendant, another fun little show I adored. This one I do kind of get, though. The first season was a bouncy blast with Kaley Cuoco as a party girl in the skies who gets twisted up with international intrigue. The second season was… messier. Just all over the place. I loved it very much because I’m a crazy person but I can understand how someone who cuts the checks might look at it and say “Hmm that’s about enough of that.”

But while you can cancel the show and stop making new episodes, you can’t take away the magic that already exists. And by that I mean “the thing where Rosie Perez’s character got bored in her marriage and kind of sold aerospace secrets to North Korea and spent most of the second season on the wildest journey you’ve ever seen.” I wrote about it at the time but I’ll just go ahead and blockquote the bullet points from that article to give you a short version.

• She opens the season living in hiding in Iceland with a black market tuna smuggler played by Margaret Cho
• She picks a bunch of mushrooms from a forest, which we later see her mashing up into a fine dust/paste
• You guessed it, they are poisonous hallucinogenic mushrooms
• She is running around dosing people with them to keep her secret and/or investigate other secrets
• Her cover gets blown and she comes back to America using the pseudonym “Hildegard Bouffant”
• She goes hunting for a lockbox she hid in her friend’s strip club, but the friend sold the contents of the room to some strange lady, so Rosie and her stripper friend track her down to a weird trailer in the woods and, yup, you guessed it again, dose the woman with mushroom paste and steal back the lockbox while the woman has a full-on mental collapse on the woods

It was a good show. That’s the point here.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR – Let’s go to Key West

What we have here is the trailer for the upcoming remake of Road House, which stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Williams and features lots of UFC-adjacent activity up to and including Conor McGregor as the bad guy. It looks fun. I was skeptical at first but… yeah. It looks fun. Jessica Williams should be in more things. She’s so great in Shrinking. I hope she gets to punch a goon or two. Here’s the official description via Amazon.

In this adrenaline-fueled reimagining of the 80s cult classic, ex-UFC fighter Dalton (Jake Gyllenhaal) takes a job as a bouncer at a Florida Keys roadhouse, only to discover that this paradise is not all it seems.

I suspect it’s the weather-related January of it all but my biggest takeaway after watching this trailer where an absolutely shredded Jake Gyllenhaal wrecks bozos for three minutes is that I really want to go to Key West. Like, now. Maybe not to this bar. Maybe to a quieter one where they serve drinks with little plastic umbrellas in them. One with minimal fistfights. I can watch this movie in the hotel, though. With another umbrella drink.

Let’s leave Monday.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE – My dudes are thriving

Two things are true here:

• My beloved/hated Philadelphia Eagles have been eliminated from the NFL playoffs
• I love to see my favorite dudes thriving

Which brings us to two more things…

NUMBER ONE: The long-suffering Detroit Lions are still alive and no one is happier — as happy, maybe; but not happier — than Tim Robinson, star of I Think You Should Leave. I have pretty much decided to be a Lions fan for the rest of the season just for this. Put him in the booth for the Super Bowl. This is serious.

NUMBER TWO: With the Eagles eliminated, Jason Kelce is free to cheer on his younger brother Travis in his run with the Chiefs. And he is doing just that. Very well. Look at my guy.

It gets better, too, which is not easy when you already have “a shirtless maniac wearing sweatpants and slamming beers in a luxury suite because his brother scored a touchdown.” But it does. First, there’s the thing where this was apparently the first time he met his brother’s new girlfriend, a little-known musician named Taylor Swift. I would love to hear her take on all of this. I also love the idea that this charismatic grizzly could be the best man at her wedding. What a lovely family.

Speaking of the family, there’s also this, the thing where Mama Kelce was asked about it all and said this to People Magazine.

When asked if she was surprised when Jason stripped off his shirt and jumped into the stands to celebrate brother Travis Kelce’s touchdown, Donna — without hesitation — tells PEOPLE: “No, not at all. No.”

That’s because the Philadelphia Eagles center has “done it on occasion,” the football mom explains, citing the parade as another example of when Jason went topless. “He just saves it for special moments,” she says with a laugh.

Good for them. And me. And you. And Taylor Swift. Good for all of us, really.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Nick:

I know you’re bummed about Holey Moley being in limbo but maybe this will help: Maybe the reason there hasn’t been a new season in over a year is because they’ve been locked in a room the whole time trying to figure out how to top “the Muppets kidnap Steph Curry” and they just haven’t been able to crack it. That’s helped me at least.

Honestly, Nick…

This does help. Thank you.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To London!

A British wildlife park has hatched a new plan to rehabilitate its potty-mouthed parrots after they unleashed a tide of expletives.

Leave them alone.

“When we came to move them, the language that came out of their carrying boxes was phenomenal, really bad. Not normal swear words, these were proper expletives,” the park’s chief executive, Steve Nichols, told CNN.

This is… my favorite thing? Ever? I know I say that a lot but think about these guys going to pick up some parrots and just getting cussed up and down with filth for an hour.

I love these birds. We must protect them.

“We’ve put eight really, really offensive, swearing parrots with 92 non-swearing ones,” he said.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

If the new strategy works, the eight parrots could learn “all the nice noises like microwaves and vehicles reversing” that the other parrots in the flock favor, Nichols added. But if the other 92 instead pick up the expletives, “it’s going to turn into some adult aviary.”

I need updates on this story weekly. Daily, if possible. But weekly is fine. I would honestly pay money — like, at least $25 — to go to a zoo where 100 parrots sling curses at you like you’re a visiting player at a professional sporting event. I would pay for a regular ticket and then extra for this, like a premium option at a museum. I want to hear dozens of birds cuss at me and my idiot friends.

This is a good idea. We can be millionaires. If you own or know someone who owns a zoo, please consider it.

The park has installed large signs warning visitors about the parrots’ language, but Nichols said it hasn’t received a single complaint.

THIS IS WHAT I AM SAYING

For now, the park is hoping they will learn the sounds of the flock, and mend their potty-mouthed ways.

“I’m hoping that’s part of the settling-in period, but I don’t think they will ever lose the swear because as soon as somebody swears, they’ll be swearing as well.”

LET THE BIRDS CUSS

Snoop Dogg has a busy year planned. His new movie, The Underdoggs, is out now on Amazon Prime Video, he’s headlining the 2024 return of the nostalgic Lovers & Friends Festival, and he’s still working on that new album, which he first started teasing way back with the tentative title, Missionary, a spiritual sequel to his debut, Doggystyle.

Earlier this week, at the Underdoggs premiere in Culver City, Snoop told Good Morning America‘s Michael Strahan that the first single is coming very soon and revealed that he and Dr. Dre had been working on the album for the past eight months. “I can let the rabbit out the hat,” he said. “I’ve been working on a record with Dr. Dre for the past 8 months. We’re about ready to drop a single in a couple weeks, so that’s what I’ve been cooking up.” While that doesn’t necessarily mean the album will be out this year (especially with the notoriously perfectionist Dre at the helm), it’s a good sign that we could see the album sooner rather than later.

Snoop’s most recent album, Bacc On Death Row (or BODR) was released on February 11, 2022, and featured appearances from DaBaby, The Game, Lil Duval, Nas, the late Nate Dogg, Sleepy Brown, T.I., Uncle Murda, and Wiz Khalifa. It peaked at No. 104 on the Billboard 200. He also released the mixtape Gangsta Grillz: I Still Got It and the Mount Westmore album Snoop Cube 40 $hort that same year.