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What’s the best bourbon for an old fashioned cocktail? It’s a question as old as time — well… at least it feels like one. And important, too. The quality of bourbon swings drastically — the taste even more so. There are a ton of variables that can make or break a simple and classic old fashioned cocktail. So let’s take a look at which bourbon you should be using to make the best old fashioned possible.

For this exercise, I had to dial in the parameters pretty severely. First and foremost, I couldn’t stack the deck. I know I can make an amazing old fashioned with, say, a Michter’s 10-Year Single Barrel Bourbon or E.H. Taylor Single Barrel Bourbon or Knob Creek 18-Year-Old Bourbon. But those bottles are highly allocated and very price-inflated. So I’ve specifically chosen great bourbons that are ~generally available~ at good liquor stores, in the same price range ($30-$45), very close in ABV (45%-50%), and all classic corn/rye/malted barley Kentucky straight bourbons. There are no special finishing barrels, high or low ABVs, crafty grain bombs, sneaky sourced barrels, wheated bourbons, or random single barrels.

I picked bourbons that I 100% know make a great cocktail and will not overpower with something different in the base.

• Eagle Rare Aged 10 Years Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey — 45% ABV, $45
• Michter’s US*1 Small Batch Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey — 45.7% ABV, $44
• Four Roses Small Batch Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey — 45% ABV, $30
• Heaven Hill Bottled-In-Bond Aged 7 Years Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey — 50% ABV, $47

Next, I kept the recipe identical for each old fashioned I made. The same sugar base, the same number of dashes of bitters, the same orange oils expressed over the top, the same cherry on top, and the same ice for each one. That way there’s no variation besides the bourbon base. It’s the only way to know which bourbon shines the brightest in this cocktail application.

Lastly, all four bourbon old fashioneds were mixed individually but tasted at the same time. As I made the drinks, I kept them in the freezer to preserve them until the tasting. All things being equal, I was truly able to taste and judge these old fashioneds against each other in the best environment. So let’s dive in!

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Part 1 — The Bourbon Old Fashioned Cocktail Recipe

Ingredients:

• 2 oz. bourbon whiskey (plus a splash)
• 3 dashes of Angostura Bitters
• 1 barspoon raw sugar
• 1 barspoon mineral water
• 1 orange peel
• 1 cherry
• Ice + Large cube for service

What You’ll Need:

• Lowball glass
• Mixing glass
• Cocktail strainer
• Barspoon
• Fruit peeler

Method:

• Prechill your glass in the freezer.
• Add the sugar, water, and bitters to the mixing jug and give it a pre-mix with the spoon until the sugar dissolves.
• Add the bourbon and stir it for ten or so seconds to dissolve the sugar.
• Add a big handful of ice to the mixing glass and stir for about 20-ish seconds or until the mixing glass is ice-cold to touch.
• Fetch the glass from the freezer, add the large cube, and strain the cocktail into the glass.
• Express the oils from the orange peel over the cocktail and run the peel around the rim of the glass. Twist the peel and drop it into the ice cube.
• Drop in a cherry and serve.

Part 2 — The Bourbon Old Fashioned Tasting

4. Four Roses Small Batch Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey (Taste 3)

Tasting Notes:

The old fashioned had a nice and fruity nose with a lot of orange with a botanical spice bark vibe. The taste was very easy-going. The bourbon was there but the sweetness seemed to be more present. The spice of the bitters was also dialed back with a fruitier vibe (thanks to the bourbon). The end was very short and the drink sort of disappeared.

Bottom Line:

This was the lightest old fashioned on the tasting panel. It just didn’t have the same bite as the other four. Saying that now, that might actually be what some people are looking for, but I wanted more. This also just didn’t really have a finish.

3. Michter’s US*1 Small Batch Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey (Taste 2)

Tasting Notes:

There was a nice mix of classic old fashioned notes on the nose — bitters, orange, cherry, whiskey. The palate had a nice sense of woody whiskey with a hint of sweet oak and soft sweet winter spice barks. The end was shorter. It just sort of faded away and left you with a woody/sweet vibe.

Bottom Line:

This was a perfectly fine old fashioned. It was short and sweet, which is kind of what most people want from a cocktail like this. The bourbon came through with a nice woody spice that was mellowed by the sugars. I would drink this again if it was handed to me.

2. Heaven Hill Bottled-In-Bond Aged 7 Years Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey (Taste 4)

Tasting Notes:

This had a nice boldness to the nose with stewed cherry, a hint of dark chocolate, and dark winter spices with a touch of nuttiness. The taste was bold as well with clear notes of brandied cherries, bright orange oils, botanical spice barks, and deep creamy bourbon. The end lasted a bit and had a nice woody tobacco spice to it with a cherry edge.

Bottom Line:

This a very good old fashioned (the finish isn’t quite as good as the next entry). The overall vibe here was deeply classic and bold old fashioned with a great profile that’s fun and vibrant.

1. Eagle Rare Aged 10 Years Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey (Taste 1)

Tasting Notes:

The nose on this one is big with notes of dark cherry pie, orange zest, and dark chocolate all rolled into a winter spice cake with nuts, butter, and a dark earthiness. The palate is a quintessential old fashioned vibe with a deep cherry and dark orange supported by a creamy nuttiness, soft pipe tobacco, and fall leaves next to an old rickhouse on a cold winter’s day. The finish lingered on the senses with a spiced tobacco bite, soft vanilla buttercream, and deep orange cake with plenty of cherry, walnut, and raisin.

Bottom Line:

This is a great old fashioned. It had the clearest flavor profile by far. And then the finish blew the rest of the bourbons out of the water. This old fashioned stuck with you for a minute and juked and jolted around the senses in all the right ways. A delicious cocktail.

Part 3 — Final Thoughts on the Best Bourbon for an Old Fashioned

Eagle Rare 10-Year Bourbon is the clear winner for a deeply tasty old fashioned. It just wasn’t close when it came to nuance and depth of flavor with a clear sense of all the elements working in unison.

That all said, if you’re looking for an easy and classic old fashioned, the Heaven Hill BiB version is very good too. If you looking for a woodier version, then try the Michter’s, and if you want super easy, sweet, and fruity, go with the Four Roses.

All that said, if you want the best… it’s Eagle Rare all day.

Wait, drop that Chewy Bar! Spit out that Quaker cereal!

The Quaker Oats Company has just recalled a bunch of products. Okay, sorry, we may have oversold the danger you’re in, but we’re approaching the holiday weekend and we don’t want you to spend it sick to your stomach. You’re welcome.

Quaker Oats has just announced a voluntary recall of its granola bars and granola-based cereals due to a potential Salmonella contamination. The products in question include a variety of different granola bar products under the “Chewy” name, including those found in variety packs, and certain Quaker Oats cereals that have been sold at big box stores throughout all 50 states across the country, including Puerto Rico, Guam, and Spain.

All of the products have “Best By” dates in 2024, so if you’ve picked up any of these Quaker products in your most recent market run, you should dispose of them ASAP.

Luckily, Quaker has not received any confirmed reports of illness related to the products in the recall yet, so don’t make yourself the first.

The full list of products is below, if you’d like to see more specifics regarding the dates or need a visual of the products in question, be sure to hit up Quaker’s press release here.

• Quaker Big Chewy Bars Chocolate Chip
• Quaker Big Chewy Bars Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip
• Quaker Big Chewy Bars Variety Pack
• Quaker Chewy Bars and Dipps Variety Pack
• Quaker Chewy Bars Chocolate Chip,
• Quaker Chewy Bars Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
• Quaker Chewy Bars Chocolate Chip Holiday Minis
• Quaker Chewy Bars Chocolate Chip Spring Minis
• Quaker Chewy Bars Chocolate Chip Valentine Minis
• Quaker Chewy Bars Dark Chocolate Chunk
• Quaker Chewy Bars Chocolate Chunk
• Quaker Chewy Bars Less Sugar Chocolate Chip
• Quaker Chewy Bars Less Sugar Cookies& Cream
• Quaker Chewy Bars Less Sugar Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip
• Quaker Chewy Bars Less Sugar Variety
• Quaker Chewy Bars Oatmeal Raisin
• Quaker Chew Bars Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip
• Quaker Chewy Bars S’Mores
• Quaker Chewy Bars Variety Pack
• Quaker Chew Dipps Chocolate Chip
• Quaker Chewy Dipps Peanut Butter
• Quaker Chewy Dipps Variety Pack
• Quaker Chewy Mini Dipps Birthday Blast
• Quaker Chewy Mini Dipps Summer Night S’mores
• Quaker Puffed Granola Apple Cinnamon Cereal
• Quaker Puffed Granola Blueberry Vanilla Cereal
• Quaker Simply Granola Oats, Honey & Almonds Cerael
• Quaker Simply Granola Oats, Honey, Raisins & Almonds Cereal
• Quaker Protein Granola Oats, Chocolate & Almonds Flavor
• Quaker Chocolatey Favorites Snack Mix
• Quaker on the Go Snack Mix
• Frito-Lay Snacks Variety Pack With Quaker Chewy
• Frito-Lay Chips and Quaker Chewy Granola Bars Variety Pack
• Crunchy & Chewy Snacks, Frito-Lay Chips, Cookies, Nuts and Quaker Chewy Bars Variety Pack
• Lunch Box Mix, Frito-Lay Chips, Cookies, and Quaker Chewy Bars Variety Pack
• Frito-Lay Popped & Baked Smartfood, SunChips, and Quaker Chewy Granola Bars Variety Pack
• Tasty Snacks, Frito-Lay Chips, Nuts, Cookies and Quaker Chewy Bars Variety Pack
• Ultimate Flavor Snack Care Package, Variety Assortment of Chips, Cookies, Crackers, and More.

After years of delay, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is finally arriving in theaters to deliver a sequel to the surprisingly well-received Aquaman. Buoyed by Jason Momoa‘s charisma and bright visuals that leaned into pure comic book fun, the film went on to gross a billion dollars and give the DC Extended Universe a much-needed jolt of energy.

The Lost Kingdom apparently does none of that.

The film’s box office tracking is below sea level, and Momoa isn’t even pretending that his time as the character will continue once The Lost Kingdom finally puts the DCEU out of its misery. Judging by the reviews, the film lacks the fun of its predecessor, and like too much superhero content these days, does nothing to justify its existence.

You can see what the critics are saying below:

Mike Ryan, Uproxx:

This run of DC movies had to end eventually, one way or another. And, frankly, it was probably always going to be like this: an overwhelming spectacle of a thing, with a plot that doesn’t really approach coherent, that I’m pretty sure isn’t even finished, in a movie Aquaman gets peed into his mouth three times.

Owen Gleiberman, Variety:

“Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom” is less lyrical and wonderstruck, more battle-ready than “Aquaman” was. To defeat his nemesis, David Kane, a.k.a. Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), the glowering pirate whose face was scarred at the climax of “Aquaman” (he wears a red-eyed helmet that makes him resemble a digital-age version of The Fly), Arthur and his comrades must journey to corrupt kingdoms and dingy mines that look like discarded James Bond sets from the ’70s. They spend most of their time fighting: face to face, spear to spindly CGI monster, trident to trident. Does the 3D heighten the action? Not especially, but the real answer is: Nothing could heighten it.

Clarisse Loughrey, The Independent:

There was once a time when a film as nakedly terrible as Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom would become its own spectacle. It’d be celebrated, ironically, as another Highlander II: The Quickening or Battlefield Earth – a banquet of nonsense for future inebriated university students to feast on. But the superhero market has thoroughly annihilated that joy. Now, it’s somehow possible to watch Oscar-winner Nicole Kidman straddle a CGI robot-shark and feel… nothing at all.

Lovia Gyarkye, The Hollywood Reporter:

I can recall a handful of impressively trippy shots, scenes filmed from angles that remind you that these heroes and villains are duking it out underwater. But for the most part Wan sticks to the video-game aesthetic of his first film. Rupert Gregson-Williams returns as composer and his score encourages audiences to feel emotions the story doesn’t actually inspire. Even the actors seem worn out by the ridiculousness of this sequel.

Nicholas Barber, BBC:

The only actor who seems to be enjoying himself is Momoa (who also receives a “story by” credit), and that’s because he sticks to the hearty, beer-guzzling, motorbike-riding surf-dude persona that is familiar from his interviews and social-media posts. He has plenty of cocky charm, and plenty of mountainous muscle, so if the film had been about him brawling with bikers in a bar, it might have been a hoot. But a film about him throwing a magical trident at computer-generated demons at the bottom of a computer-generated ocean? That just seems like a waste. He’s too earthy to be the king of the sea.

Siddhant Adlakha, Mashable:

Gone is the Saturday morning cartoon sensibility of the first Aquaman, a fun (if half-baked) undersea romp that went on to gross a billion dollars. Ticket sales are by no means the arbiter of quality, but the tides are clearly turning. When it comes to big IP, mainstream audiences are no longer willing to settle for mediocre output, which would be a kind way to describe The Lost Kingdom.

Valerie Complex, Deadline:

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom struggles with inconsistent character portrayal, subpar CGI, and a lack of narrative direction. A crucial aspect of any franchise is its ability to make the audience invested in what’s next. There is none of the care put forth here. This universe is over, why should anyone care? Ultimately, it’s a film that has its moments but ultimately struggles to find its footing in the expansive ocean that is the superhero genre.

David Ehrlich, IndieWire:

“The Lost Kingdom” becomes more and more formulaic as it digs into its mythos, as if the movie were caught between being its own thing and being nothing at all. If only Wan and co. had seen the writing on the wall a little earlier, perhaps they could have found a way to ensure that the DCEU went down in a blaze of glory. Instead, it just sinks to the bottom of the sea, with Aquaman pushing to bring his world to the surface at the same time as Warner Bros. Discovery consigns his entire universe to the ocean floor.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom swims into theaters on December 22.

If the quality of the Road House remake can be determined by how ripped Jake Gyllenhaal is, it’s going to be a masterpiece.

Amazon Prime Video shared the first footage from the film as part of a “What’s Coming To Prime Video In 2024” sizzle reel. In one shot, Gyllenhaal has his shirt off in what appears to be an underground fighting ring. Later, he slaps some fools and sarcastically asks, “I just slapped you, are you alright?” He then proceeds to beat them up. Gyllenhaal’s ex-UFC fighter doesn’t appear to have the same every-man charm as Patrick Swayze’s rules-abiding Dalton, but we’ll find out for sure when Road House comes out on March 21, 2024.

“They’re big shoes to fill, but Patrick was a friend when he was here,” Gyllenhaal told Good Morning America last year about Swayze, who passed away in 2009. “He was always so loving and lovely to me. I take that all to heart in playing the role and there are some things I take from him, but generally we made a whole new movie and I’m really excited about it.”

You can watch the video above, which also includes clips from The Boys, Fallout, and Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Madonna tried to get into the holiday spirit at her recent show in DC earlier this week, but things did not go so well.

What happened was, the pop star brought out a man dressed as Santa Claus, with the intent of giving him a lap dance. After he sat down in his big red suit, one of Madonna’s dancers tried to climb onto his lap, and both went falling off.

In the video, Santa Claus fell forward on top of Madonna’s backup dancer, before getting up and stepping away to take a breather.

The dancer still kept the show going, showcasing moves from the floor. As for Santa, he was understandably embarrassed, and the moment for any sort of flirty gifts from the dancer passed.

Madonna also kept performing throughout the whole incident, putting her decades of stage training to good use, as she didn’t seem affected at all by what had happened — and kept the concert going for those in attendance.

Thankfully, nobody was hurt by the spicy attempt.

As for Madonna, hopefully she is able to treat the crowd to this choreography (and Santa to his rightfully-earned presents) without any trouble at a future show.

Check out the video of Santa Claus failing to get a lap dance below.

Madonna is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

It’s not a good look to brag about your own work. Unfortunately, I am about to have a bad look. I can’t help myself. I wrote the hell out of the following columns and I would like to re-share them for your holiday season reading enjoyment.

1. I really like writing about great albums. But I love writing about bad albums. And one of the most enjoyable reviews I wrote in 2023 was about Måneskin’s ultra-skanky sleaze-rock opus Rush.

2. My favorite concert of 2023 was Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band in March. I wrote about the show and the various emotions and controversies associated with it.

3. I have found that people enjoy my paragraphs more if I put numbers next to them. So, I write a lot of columns in the form of lists. The most popular column of this sort in 2023 was the one I wrote about the best debut albums.

4. My favorite TV show of 2023 was The Bear. I particularly enjoy the soundtrack. For the past two seasons, I have interviewed the two guys who are in charge of picking the songs and it’s always a good time.

5. A truly bonkers and wonderful movie starring Bob Dylan and called Masked & Anonymous turned 20 this year. I was thrilled to track down the film’s director and co-writer (with Bob), the legendary Larry Charles, and he told me lots of wonderful stories about making it.

6. The National put out two albums this year that were just okay. Then I put together a compilation of the best tracks from those albums and it was awesome. I wrote about it here.

7. The second best concert I saw this year was U2 at the Sphere. (Sorry, I mean just Sphere.) It was quite an experience and I had a blast writing about it.

8. Garth Brooks put out a new album this year that was available only at Bass Pro Shops. My editor asked me to be the first music critic in the world to buy the Garth Brooks album from the Bass Pro Shops. I followed his orders and then wrote about it.

The new romantic comedy, Anyone But You, has two incredibly hot aces up its sleeve: Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell. Both rising stars have been turning heads over the years, but they unfortunately can’t work magic on the predictable plot in their latest romp from Easy A director Will Gluck.

While some critics found Anyone But You to be a serviceable rom-com as the genre seems to be slowly coming back to life, others just couldn’t feel the spark between two of the most beautiful people working in Hollywood today.

You can see what the reviews are saying below:

David Rooney, The Hollywood Reporter:

Anyone who’s seen Glen Powell in Richard Linklater’s terrifically enjoyable Hit Man will know he’s a bona fide movie star with charisma to burn. If you were paying attention, that was evident even in Top Gun: Maverick. And Sydney Sweeney has shown impressive range, serving delicious mean-girl snark in season one of The White Lotus, tracing a self-destructive spiral on Euphoria and demonstrating serious dramatic chops in Reality. But neither screen chemistry nor laughs can be manufactured, especially not with the kind of pedestrian writing in Will Gluck’s Anyone But You, which does nothing to reanimate the moribund studio rom-com.

Richard Lawson, Vanity Fair:

Neither character is scrappy, neither is an underdog, neither is believable in their insecurity. They are golden gods playing at being regular people—even when, yes, Powell’s physique is constantly commented on and Sweeney is given a variety of shape-hugging outfits to wear. The movie has to acknowledge that these are hot people, but it also wants us to find them relatable. Anyone but You struggles mightily in that task.

Coleman Spilde, The Daily Beast:

While Anyone But You grazes the allure of Ryan and Hanks’ collaborations, the film lacks the proper push and pull between comedic beats and dramatic stakes that make those movies so watchable (and rewatchable). And even when it hits a pleasant middle ground to stride upon, Sweeney’s bizarre turn as a flighty law student in a romantic rut pulls the audience out of their momentary stupor. Though her performance is as discombobulated as her character seems to be, Sweeney’s distinct chemistry with Powell—along with Powell’s completely irresistible leading man charms—keep Anyone But You perfectly palatable, even if it won’t trigger a proper rom-com renaissance anytime soon.

David Ehrlich, IndieWire:

“Anyone but You” may not be funny or memorable enough to single-handedly make rom-coms matter again, but it might just inch us closer towards that goal precisely because it doesn’t burden itself with any such cross to bear. This is nothing more than an old-fashioned frivolity with newly minted stars and a killer supporting cast. Gluck and Ilana Wolpert’s toothless script is redeemed by its fine attention to detail, the movie’s confined story is splashed across a series of gorgeous locations, and cinematographer Danny Ruhlmann shoots them with the dramatic flair of someone who knows that people might actually have their phones off for long enough to appreciate his work.

Thelma Adams, The Wrap:

On the enemies to lovers scale, “Anyone But You” most closely resembles “Ticket to Paradise,” which reunited George Clooney and Julia Roberts. No one would mistake Powell and Sweeney for those charismatic A-listers. Yet both destination wedding tales share the strain of trying too hard to make the audience believe the frenemies hate each other, while their ultimate reunion is so inevitable there’s no narrative tension. At the very least, it’s not Shakespeare. It’s not even “10 Things I Hate About You.”

Drew Gillis, The A.V. Club:

Even if incredibly formulaic, director Will Gluck (Easy A, Friends With Benefits) is never winking. Yes, the plot of Anyone But You hits exactly every beat when you think it would, grand romantic gestures and all. But it is content—thrilled, in fact—to be a boilerplate rom-com. It doesn’t seek to get ahead of any criticism leveled at it. Formulas exist for a reason, and they can still be executed well. Sparks fly, even if there aren’t enough of them to give the film a jolt of electricity. Anyone But You doesn’t reinvent any wheels, but the wheels will get you to your destination on time.

Anyone But You opens in theaters on December 22.

Pink Friday 2 debuted at No. 1 on this week’s Billboard 200, so Nicki Minaj has an excuse to rest, but that is not the Nicki Minaj that Barbz have come to know and love.

On Wednesday, December 20, Minaj casually tossed out that perhaps Rihanna should “send her vocals” for “the full” Pink Friday 2 (Gag City Deluxe), and then she starred on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert later that night. Minaj explained the meaning of Gag City to a very confused Colbert before he encouraged her to freestyle.

“Honestly, y’all, I only had two seconds to make this up, so it’s only two lines,” Minaj told the in-studio audience. “But there’s a song on my called ‘F The Club Up’ [‘FTCU‘], and instead, I changed it to ‘F The Colbert Up,’ right? And so, the first the two lines, I changed it for him in Gag City, when he arrives. It goes, ‘High heels on for Stevie / If I marry Stevie, he ain’t ever gon’ leave me.”

Minaj repeated the bar, but this time, she challenged him to tack his own bars to “end the rap” with “the first thing that pops into your mind that rhymes.” Colbert jumped in with, “High heels or not, Nicki / You better hope you never meet my wife, Evie.”

Minaj’s mouth dropped in shock at Colbert’s mic drop, and I agree: The round goes to Colbert.

Elsewhere during Minaj’s visit, she excitedly looked forward to her 2024 Pink Friday 2 World Tour and shared how her three-year-old son, Papa Bear, “runs everything.”

Watch all three clips above and below.

Rudy Giuliani is really broke. (How broke is he?) He’s reportedly so broke that he can’t afford a new car to fart in — and that was before a judge ordered him to immediately pay $148 million to two former Georgia election workers who he falsely accused of manipulating ballots after the 2020 election. He’s also being sued by one of his former lawyers, Robert Costello, for lack of payment,” not to mention that whole messy election interference case in Georgia.

To make some quick cash, Giuliani is hawking FDA-unapproved supplements on his America’s Mayor Live show.

The Daily Beast reports that after ranting about how America has turned into “fascist territory,” Giuliani read promotions for Balance of Nature supplements, which have received warnings from the Food and Drug Administration over the “the company’s claims that its products could be used to diagnose, cure, mitigate, treat, or prevent diseases such as cancer, heart disease, cirrhosis, diabetes, asthma, and COVID-19.”

Giuliani, apparently getting into the holiday spirit despite the staggering financial judgment against him, urged followers not only to take the supplements every day but also to use the empty bottles to decorate their Christmas trees. “Last night I showed you how to put one together,” he said on Wednesday’s show, holding up a Balance of Nature bottle with a wire hook inserted into the top. “This one’s going on the tree now. I’m going to have two on my tree!”

I’ll give him this: he keeps finding new ways to hit rock bottom.

Giuliani said that all sales of the supplements will “help me fight the traitors.” No word on whether they’ll help you reach peak male performance.

(Via the Daily Beast)

First of all, Aquaman And The Lost Kingdom is a movie in which Aquaman gets peed in his mouth three times. I just want to get that part out there first.

Soooo … this run of DC movies had to end eventually, one way or another. And, frankly, it was probably always going to be like this: an overwhelming spectacle of a thing, with a plot that doesn’t really approach coherent, that I’m pretty sure isn’t even finished, in a movie Aquaman gets peed into his mouth three times.

But, you know, this is how all these franchises will end … puttering out. It’s never going to end on some celebratory note. No corporation can resist the urge to over-saturate the market to the point no one cares anymore. Which is, partly, why the MCU is where it is now. When the MCU eventually ends, it won’t end on an Avengers: Endgame. It will end when no one goes to see the Hobgoblin solo movie, or whatever.

This is a strange one, because I usually really like James Wan movies. I don’t know if he just wasn’t given the time or resources to finish this thing, the the result is pretty mind-boggling. There are scenes that, like the first movie, just honestly rip in a hilarious, nonsensical way. Then there are scenes in which Randall Park’s Dr. Stephen Shin just does a voiceover explaining the plot and what they all did next, because the scene doesn’t exist. Randall Park is always a welcome addition to any cast, but his job here seems to be to just explain what’s happening. And even with this helpful footnote reader of a character, I was still pretty confused.

(I’ll be honest, I’m not a “watch movies high” person. But this is a movie I would actually recommend such a thing. Maybe an Aquaman And The Lost Kingdom and Heavy Metal double feature.)

I’ve been filibustering a bit because I don’t want to write about the plot. I’m really dreading writing about the plot because I’m not sure I understand it completely. Oh, you know what, I’m going to delay it just a little bit longer. Remember Challenge of the Superfriends? If not, you probably know Superfriends. For 16 glorious episodes in 1978 (I saw the episodes in syndication), it was rebranded Challenge of the Superfriends and it features a sort of full on Justice League of America (hey we got The Flash and Green Lantern) versus The Legion of Doom, which was my introduction to Black Manta. And in Aquaman And The Lost Kingdom, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II’s Black Manta is awesome. And the suit, like in the first movie, looks dynamite. Every time Black Manta was on screen, I was transfixed.

Okay, enough dillydallying, here we go: Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa) is bored of being king of Atlantis. It’s much more bureaucratic than he expected and nothing gets done. While this is going on, Black Manta is searching for an ancient, and also very harmful, energy source called orichalcum. (Yes, the way it’s pronounced is probably the way you think it is – and it got a laugh every single time that last three letter syllable was, strangely, emphasized.) Why? Who’s to say. But while searching he finds an ancient trident, broken in two. Once the two sides are reunited, Black Manta is possessed by an ancient leader of the Lost Kingdom (the one in the title) who wants Black Manta to release all the orichalcum into the Earth’s atmosphere so it will melt the glaciers and free the Lost Kingdom from its icy grave.

To do this, Arthur has to free his brother, Orm (Patrick Wilson), from prison so the two can begrudgingly team up to stop this. You see, Orm knows people who run the black market who can tell them how to find Black Manta. The creature they have to negotiate with is kind of a cross between Boss Nass from The Phantom Menace and Dexter Jettster from Attack of the Clones. Also this character is voiced by Martin Short, who I had no idea was in this movie. Along the way, the two learn to like each other and learn about themselves a bit. Also, Arthur tricks Orm into eating a cockroach.

I think by the end I found myself having a good time even though I was watching a movie that wasn’t very good. But, also, it’s the holidays, I knew this was the last thing I’d be writing for a couple weeks, so I was in a pretty good mood. But, good grief, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is overwhelming. It just keeps coming AT YOU until you submit to its buffoonery. And I think that’s what happened to me. Hey, but fun is fun, right?

The DCEU started ten years ago with Man of Steel, which begins with Russell Crowe’s Jor-El sending his only son, Kal-El, off in a spacecraft towards Earth before their planet dies. As I was walking out, I overheard someone say, “The DCEU ends with Patrick Wilson eating a roach.” RIP, DCEU.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.