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When you think of Johann Sebastian Bach, you might picture a bewigged man in tailcoats composing classical symphonies and concertos frequently associated with high-falutin’ society. At the very least, you probably don’t picture a comedian.

But “the father of classical music” had a silly side, and it came out in full force in his nearly 300-year-old “Coffee Cantata” (aka “Schweigt stille, plaudert nicht,” or “Keep quiet, don’t chatter.”). In the “Coffee Cantata,” the voices we hear are a narrator who opens and closes the scene, a father (Herr Schlendrian) who has an issue with coffee-drinking women and Liesgen, his highly caffeinated daughter who is willing to give up anything for a cup o’ Joe.

For context, coffee was extreme popular in 18th-century Europe, with some people sanctimoniously thinking it was a bad habit that needed to be broken (hence the dispute between this father and his coffee-obsessed daughter). But anyone who loves coffee will appreciate Liesgen’s dedication to—and subversive deception to get—her three cups of java a day.

Witness and enjoy how the lyrics of Bach’s “Coffee Cantata” translate to English:

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Narrator:

Keep quiet, don’t chatter
and hear what’s going on now:
Here comes Herr Schlendrian
with his daughter Liesgen.
He’s growling like a honey-bear –
hear for yourselves what she has done to him.

Herr Schlendrian:

Don’t we have with our children
a hundred thousand muddles!
What always every day I
say to my daughter Liesgen
goes in one ear and out the other.

You bad child, you wild girl!
Oh! If only I could have my way:
Get rid of coffee!

Liesgen:

Father, don’t be so hard!
If three times a day I can’t
drink my little cup of coffee,
then I would become so upset
that I would be like a dried up piece of roast goat.

Ah! how sweet coffee tastes!
Lovelier than a thousand kisses,
smoother than muscatel wine.
Coffee, I must have coffee,
and if anyone wants to give me a treat,
ah!, just give me some coffee!

Herr Schlendrian:

If you don’t give up coffee,
you won’t be going to any wedding
and you won’t go out walking either.

Liesgen:

Alright then!
Just leave me my coffee!

Herr Schlendrian:

(I’ll get the little minx now!)
I shan’t get you the latest fashion in just your size.

Liesgen:

I can easily do without that.

Herr Schlendrian:

You’re not to stand at the window
and you won’t see anyone going by!

Liesgen:

I don’t mind that either; but please, I beg you,
just let me keep my coffee!

Herr Schlendrian:

What’s more you won’t get from me
a silver or gold ribbon
to put on your bonnet!

Liesgen:

That’s fine! Just leave me my pleasure!

Herr Schlendrian:

You’re impossible Liesgen, you are,
you would give up everything I say?

(Girls with obstinate minds
are not easily won over.
But if you hit the right spot,
oh then you’re in luck.)

Now follow what your father says!

Liesgen:

In everything else, but not coffee.

Herr Schlendrian:

Well then! You must get used to the idea
that you won’t have a husband either.

Liesgen:

Oh yes! Father, a husband!

Herr Schlendrian:

I swear, that won’t happen.

Liesgen:

Until I can give up coffee?
Right! Coffee, remain forever untouched.
Father, listen, I won’t drink any at all.

Herr Schlendrian:

Then you’ll have a husband!

Liesgen:

This very day,
dear father, do it now!
Ah, a husband!
That’s just right for me!
If only it could happen at once,
so that at last instead of coffee
before I go to bed
I could get a lusty lover!

Narrator:

Now old Schlendrian goes off and looks out
for his daughter Liesgen
to see if he can get her a husband soon.

But Liesgen lets it be secretly known:
‘No suitor of mine should come to the house
unless he himself has promised
and it is written also in the marriage contract
that I shall be permitted
to make coffee whenever I want.’

The cat does not leave the mouse,
young ladies remain coffee addicts.
The mother loves her cup of coffee,
the grandmother drank it also.
Who can blame the daughters!

First of all, how fabulous is this? I think we coffee-loving women have a new theme song. Might even be worth learning some German so we can sing it in unison. Also, we need t-shirts that say, “In everything else, but not coffee.” Let’s make it happen. Send one to Grandma.

If you want to see how the “Coffee Cantata” sounds, here’s a charming performance of it by the Amsterdam Baroque Orchestra and Choir:

Bach as comic relief. Who knew?

Social media has become a fertile breeding ground for conversations about hygiene. Whether it’s celebrities bragging about how little their family bathes or battles over how often people should wash their sheets or bras.

One of the debates that gets the most diverse responses is how often people wash their denim jeans.

Denim atelier Benjamin Talley Smith tells Today that jeans should be washed “as little as possible, if at all.” Laundry expert Patric Richardson adds they should be cleaned “after nine or 10 wearings, like to me, that is the ideal.” At that point, they probably have stains and are “a little sweaty by that point, so you need to wash ’em,” Richardson says.

Still, some people wash and dry them after every wear while others will hand wash and never hang dry. With all these significant differences of opinion, there must be a correct answer somewhere, right?

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The CEO of Levi Strauss, Charles Bergh, has stepped up to set the record straight on when and how to wash your jeans. He caused a stir in 2014 when he said he only washes his jeans once a year, but it was for environmental reasons more than hygiene.

Reading: The Dirty Jeans Manifesto http://t.co/nAQbdbdpn2

— Gavin Heaton (@Gavin Heaton)
1405392206

He later clarified his thoughts in a blog post, “The Dirty Jean Manifesto” he posted to LinkedIn.

“I made this provocative statement because I believe strongly in what our brands stand for: quality, durability and lasting products made sustainably. I also said it because I believe we don’t need to wash jeans as often as most people think we do,” Bergh wrote.

“We learned that an average pair of jeans consumes roughly 3,500 liters of water — and that is after only two years of use, washing the jeans once a week,” Bergh wrote. “Nearly half of the total water consumption, or 1,600 liters, is the consumer throwing the jeans in the washing machine. That’s equivalent to 6,700 glasses of drinking water!”

To add to the problem, denim jeans are often manufactured in places where water is scarce, such as India, Pakistan, Mexico, China and parts of California.

Bergh recently spoke with CNBC’s Christine Tan and clarified his thoughts on jean cleanliness.

“True denim heads, people that really love their denim, will tell you to never put your denim into a washing machine. So that’s what I do,” Bergh explained. “If I drop some curry on my jeans, I’m gonna clean it. But I’ll spot-clean it. And if they get really gross you know, if I’ve been out sweating or something and they get really gross, I’ll wash them in the shower.”

However, when Bergh washes his jeans in the shower, he does it while wearing them and washing them with soap. The image that the scene conjures is of a cowboy bathing in a cartoon, clothes on and all.

There are a lot of different opinions on how often one should wash and dry their jeans and many of them boil down to personal preference. But the debate on the topic has brought up one very big point we should all consider: when choosing how often we wash our jeans, a big part of the decision should be considering the amount of water we use.

Recently, blogger Jen Hatmaker had a funny conversation with a friend about parenting:

“My girlfriend told me the greatest story. Apparently her 11-year-old also wanted to be a grown up this week and, in fact, not only did he treat his siblings like despised underlings, but when asked what he wanted, he said: ‘I want the authority to be in charge of them and tell them what to do, because they deserve it!’

Well. My girlfriend and her husband are NOT AT ALL MESSING AROUND with parenting. Calmly, evenly, they granted his request to be a grown-up for a week by pulling him out of camp (the underlings still got to go, because they are ‘such children’) and sending him to work ALL DAY EVERY DAY with his dad. He has to get up early and shower and make breakfast for everyone. He has to kiss the underlings before he goes to work and tell them to have a great day and that he loves them. He has to work on a typing project during his office hours. He only gets to eat what his dad eats, because eating like a grown-up is not nearly as fun as eating like a kid.

Want to be an adult? Fine.”

Photo via iStock.

Hatmaker’s post went viral, with thousands of parents chiming in with their own stories of tough love, both giving and receiving.

The responses were hilarious, poignant, and a sign that the next generation is being parented by extremely capable, if not a little bit diabolical, hands.

Here are five of my favorite stories from the comments about parenting-gone-absolutely-right:

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1. Jill Duff’s mom used an embarrassing outfit to teach her sister an important lesson:

“My sister was snotty to my Mom. She called her and pretty much demanded, ‘Bring my band uniform to the high school!’ She’s the one who forgot her uniform in the first place. Then she told my Mom ‘Do not come in the school, that would be so EMBARRASSING. Just wait for me by my car.’

So my Mom did just that. She stood by my sister’s car, in the Texas heat, WEARING my sister’s band uniform. All the kids walking out for the day saw it.

Parenting GOLD.“

And Mom was like…

2. Jessica Klick got her sons new shoes … but not the ones they wanted.

“Our 11 and 12 year olds at the time were complaining and whining and being ungrateful, saying how ‘hard their life was.’ For boys, the big thing is wearing those cool Steph Curry shoes and our boys LOVE their Currys!

So after hearing the last complaint my husband went to Walmart to buy white maypop leather shoes (the kind you see in geriatric centers) and high white socks. He brought those bad boys home, set them on the boys’ dresser, and made them wear those things everywhere we went. Those devastated boys told us we were ‘ruining their lives.’

I may or may not have laughed like a little girl when I dropped them off at school and watched them do the walk of shame.“

3. Marisa Rodriguez Byers says she wished her mother was dead. And boy, did she regret it.

“I was a wretched, hormonal teenager. At the age of 13 I told my mom, ‘I wish you were dead!’ And at that moment, she ‘died,’ but to me only. (I had younger sisters).

She completely ignored me, didn’t speak at me, didn’t look at me, wouldn’t cook for me, set my place at the table, wash my clothes, take me to school, NOTHING. After 8 days, I broke down in the middle of the night, went to her room, clutched her tightly while sobbing how sorry I was and how much I loved her and that I would NEVER say those words again. I’m 41 years old now, I have NEVER uttered those words or anything remotely like them after that incident.“

After tough love, you gotta hug it out.

4. Jessica Hill gave her daughter a good scare — and, in turn, a new appreciation.

“I was grocery shopping with my three year old when she decided to start screaming for ice cream. There was no reasoning with her in this hulk-type rage. I swear she had super human strength as I struggled to get her out of the cart full of groceries.

I was completely unaware of the two police officers who were witnessing this wrestling match. She was still hitting, kicking, and screaming when I was stopped by the police officers in the parking lot. They thought I had abducted her. This happened long before we had smart phones full of our children’s photos. They tried questioning her but she was still too busy throwing a fit, so I handed her over. I told them she could ride with them because I really needed a break and they could follow me home to see her birth certificate, baby book, etc. They started chuckling as one officer said, ‘Spoken like a true mom!’ I think they were more relieved than I was when she finally cried out, ‘Mommy?’

The officer handed her back to me while the other went back inside the store to ensure there wasn’t a distraught mother looking for her missing toddler. That evening my daughter told her dad she almost went to jail because she threw a fit, and I let her believe it. She didn’t throw a fit in public again.”

“Uhh, ma’am?”

“I didn’t mean to scare her, so after this experience, I wanted to ensure my daughter had a healthy respect and appreciation for first responders. Today, I’m happy to say she is highly aware and appreciative of the police, firemen, paramedics, and military personnel who serve to protect her.”

5. Erica Goodnight taught her son an incredible lesson that he carries to this day.

“My kid was whining over not having anything to play with. So, without a word, I went to the garage and got a black 50 gallon trash bag and started putting in all the toys that he obviously didn’t even realize were in our home to play with.

I loaded them AND him into the car and we drove to our local homeless shelter and gave every. single. toy. in the bag away. To a child who TRULY had nothing. And you know what? He didn’t even cry. His eyes were opened to the ones who have nothing. He actually enlarged his heart that day. And, we still do it. We still take toys to kids with nothing at least once a year.”

Parent win. Life lesson score.

There’s a fine line between teaching your kids a tough lesson in a funny way and engaging in “humiliation parenting.”

Making children wear a sign that says, “I sneak boys in at 3 a.m. and disrespect my parents and grandparents” or otherwise berating them publicly is a good way to erode trust between the two of you and seriously damage your relationship.

But calling their bluff on a ridiculous demand? Or having a little fun with how you choose to correct their bad attitude? That’s just plain survival.

And that’s what parenting is really all about.

You can read the whole hilarious exchange over on Facebook.

In the meantime, what’s your favorite tough-love story?

This article originally appeared on 07.13.16

Forty-plus years is a long time to be doing anything, particularly in the entertainment industry. But save for some time off she nabbed this summer while negotiating her first raise in 18 years, that’s how long Vanna White has reigned as the mostly silent co-host of Wheel of Fortune. She may outlast her colleague Pat Sajak, who began the year before her and is leaving after the current season. Still, when he announced he was vamoosing, White at least considered joining him.

In an interview with People, when asked if she wondered if her time was up, too, she said, “Of course it’s a thought.” She continued:

“It’s like, ‘Well, wait, if you’re leaving, what am I going to do? How can I stay without you?’ It was a very hard decision for me to make, because it definitely crossed my mind. It’s like, ‘I just don’t know if I can do this without you,’ but I thought about it and I’m not ready to retire, so I am staying on.”

Next year, she’ll be joined by a very different TV personality, Ryan Seacrest. While she admits the show with him will be “different,” she’s not worried.

“I know Ryan — he is professional, he’s good at what he does, he’s kind,” White said. “I think it’s going to be good. He’s such a nice guy and he loves what he does. He said, ‘Look, I am not replacing Pat. I’m not going in to try to fill Pat’s shoes. No one can ever replace him.’ He says he’s coming in to do a good job and to keep the show going, and I’m looking forward to working with him.”

Still, White may have to vacate the show at some point, even just temporarily. And she knows who should replace her: Maggie Sajak, daughter of Pat.

“I think she’s a good replacement if I can’t be there for some reason,” White told E! News. “She’s been around it her whole life, so I think she can fill in for me for sure.”

Till then, Wheel of Fortune will continue to be a possible fount of bizarre guesses, including from celebrities.

(Via People and E! News)

Travis Kelce and his Kansas City Chiefs are scheduled to host the Denver Broncos on Thursday, October 12, but Taylor Swift appears to have other plans. On Wednesday, October 11, Swift confirmed that her Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour concert film will enjoy early access showings across the US and Canada on Thursday, one day ahead of its scheduled October 13 theatrical release.

“PREMIERE DAY,” Swift captioned an Instagram photo taken at her Los Angeles premiere on Wednesday. “Andddd I can’t really wrap my head around this but…. Look what you genuinely made me do: Due to unprecedented demand we’re opening up early access showings of The Eras Tour Concert Film on THURSDAY in America and Canada!! As in… TOMORROW.”

Swift’s caption continued, “We’re also adding additional showtimes Friday and throughout the weekend. All tickets will be available by 10 am tomorrow morning. And it’ll be showing starting Friday in 90 countries all over the world. I can’t thank you enough for wanting to see this film that so vividly captures my favorite adventure I’ve ever been a part of: The Eras Tour. And the best part is, it’s an adventure we’re still on together. Getting in the car now…”

Swifties will likely key in on one sentence in particular: “Look what you genuinely made me do.” Could it be an Easter egg that Reputation (Taylor’s Version) will be Swift’s next re-recorded album, following 1989 (Taylor’s Version)‘s release on October 27? For the uninitiated, “Look What You Made Me Do” is from Swift’s 2017 Reputation album and a prominent part of her three-plus-hour The Eras Tour setlist.

There will be plenty more opportunities for Swiftian Easter eggs when The Eras Tour restarts on November 9 in Buenos Aires, Argentina, kicking off a months-long international leg before returning to the US for a second leg later next year. See all of the remaining dates here, and watch the movie’s trailer above.

Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour is in theaters 10/13. Find more information here.

Rick and Morty is about to kick off its seventh season, inching the show ever closer to the 70 additional episodes promised back in 2018. There used to be huge gaps between seasons, but not anymore. To the team’s credit, at the end of this season they’ll be 4/7ths of the way to their goal. Perhaps that’s made co-creator Dan Harmon and company cocky, as now they’re even teasing a movie.

Per The Hollywood Reporter, Harmon talked about having a pow-wow with no less than Zack Snyder, who wondered if he could use his weight at Warner Bros. Discovery to get a Rick and Morty film off the ground.

“Not him saying, ‘I get to do it,’ or anything like that. He was totally a super fan and was just like, ‘Is there any way I can help get that movie started by using my Snyder-ness?’” Harmon recalled. He then made some “Snyder Cut” jokes: “So, the Rick and Morty movie is coming as soon as Zack Snyder gets back from his vacation, because I want to start with a Snyder cut of that movie and then I want to do the director’s cut of a Snyder cut release, so we can just have a six-hour Rick and Morty movie and three hours of it is in black and white.”

Harmon may be kidding, but he did seriously meet with Warner Bros. brass. He came away confident that they agreed on the “same conceit” and that “it felt like maybe it was time to get the ball rolling.”

Harmon also said his “philosophy would be to just take a Rick and Morty adventure, and spend a bunch of extra money on it and make it 90 minutes long.” He added, “Not to try to earn its feature status by virtue of canonical dramatic tone shifts or anything like that, but rather to just make it a super badass episode of Rick and Morty.”

In other words, don’t expect a Rick and Morty movie that doesn’t ruins the vibe. Expect something more along the lines of Duck Tales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp or Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, where it just feels like a slightly pricier and longer version of the show.

Rick and Morty returns to Adult Swim starting October 15.

(Via THR)

Gucci Mane will soon release his album Breath Of Fresh Air, adding to his extensive discography and giving him an excuse to stage the Gucci Mane & Friends concert at The Tabernacle in Atlanta on October 17.

In the lead-up to the show, Gucci Mane released several singles, allowing listeners to believe they had most of the pieces to the Breath Of Fresh Air puzzle. On Wednesday, October 11, Gucci Mane revealed the album’s tracklist, boasting a whopping 24 songs.

So far, Gucci has unleashed “Pissy” featuring Roddy Ricch and Nardo Wick, “Bluffin’” featuring Lil Baby, “Woppenheimer,” and “There I Go” featuring J. Cole and Mike Will Made-It, “Now It’s Real.” See the album’s cover art and full tracklist below.

1. “Must Be Me”
2. “Bluffin” Feat. Lil Baby
3. “Thank Me” Feat. Young Dolph
4. “Trap Money” Feat. Li Rye & Sett
5. “Pretty Girls” Feat. Young Dolph
6. “Glizock & Wizop” Feat. Key Glock
7. “Internet Chatter”
8. “Talking to the Streets” Feat. Mac Critter
9. “There I Go” Feat. J. Cole & Mike WiLL Made-It
10. “Mr. & Mrs. Perfect”
11. “I Know”
12. “Stomach Grumbling”
13. “Business Not Personal”
14. “King Snipe” Feat. Kodak Black
15. “06 Gucci” Feat. DaBaby & 21 Savage
16. “Pissy” Feat. Roddy Ricch & Nardo Wick
17. “Say No Mo”
18. “Married with Millions”
19. “Woppenheimer”
20. “Now It’s Real”
21. “Broken Hearted”
22. “Hurt People”
23. “By the Water”
24. “Big Boy Diamonds” Feat. Kodak Black & London On Da Track

Breath Of Fresh Air is out 10/17 via Atlantic Records/The New 1017 Records. Find more information here.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

If you ask us, there’s no wrong time of year for a juicy, hazy IPA. While the classic West Coast IPA with its piney, hop-fueled flavor is wildly popular, it’s difficult to beat the appeal of the offshoot New England-style IPA. Instead of a bitter, dank finish, hazy IPAs are known for their mix of citrus, tropical fruits, creamy/ soft mouthfeel, and fruity, barely bitter, sweet finish. What’s not to love?

That’s why we enjoy this hazy, flavorful beer style all year long. Fall included!

When picking the right hazy IPA, Chad Henderson, head brewer and co-owner of NoDa Brewing Company in Charlotte, North Carolina prefers his hazies to be as fresh as possible.

“Explore any wet-hopped hazy IPA variation you come across, especially now during the harvest season,” he says. “These brews tend to shift annually and batch to batch, making each experience unique.”

But there’s more to hazy IPAs than wet-hopped, harvest beers. Some are hazier than others, many are unfiltered, and a few crank the creamy level to eleven, but all are juicy, sweet, and loaded with fresh flavor. To find some of the absolute best, we went to the professionals for help. We asked a few well-known craft beer experts and brewers to tell us their can’t-miss hazy IPA picks. Keep scrolling to see their mango, peach, tangerine, and guava-filled choices.

Crooked Hammock Sway

George Hummel, grain master at My Local Brew Works in Philadelphia

ABV: 7.2%

Average Price: Limited Availability

The Beer:

I was often on the fence about the brews from Crooked Hammock in Lower Delaware and South Carolina. But recently they brought on brewing veteran Larry Horwitz as director of brewing operations, and he’s really upped their game. Sway Hazy IPA is one of their recent releases. It’s not to be missed.

Tasting Notes:

It has a velvety body and just reeks of Citra and Mosaic hops. It’s a beer that has each sip setting up your taste buds to want another sip. Notes of citrus, tropical fruits, pine, and a waft of cannabis.

Hoosier Haze Head

Garth Beyer, certified Cicerone and owner of Garth’s Brew Bar in Madison, Wisconsin

ABV: 9%

Average Price: $21 for a four-pack of 16-ounce cans

The Beer:

Hoosier Brewing may often be recognized for its sour program, but its hazy IPA options are just as remarkable. Particularly Haze Head IPA. This is a simple, refined, and flavor-focused hazy IPA that I think is under the radar right now because of the craziness of what brewers are doing with the Hazy IPA flavor spectrum.

Tasting Notes:

It blends both dankness and pineapple with its use of El Dorado and Mosaic hops. It’s a great combination and one hazy IPA fans will enjoy.

Ommegang Neon Lights

Matt James, brew master for Genesee Brewing Company in Rochester, New York

ABV: 4.3%

Average Price: $14 for a four-pack of 16-ounce cans

The Beer:

Ommegang Neon Lights Hazy IPA. This is the lower-ABV alternative to Ommegang’s popular Neon Rainbows. Brewed with Mosaic, Simcoe, Citra, Topaz, and Centennial hops, it’s unfiltered, juicy, and surprisingly low in alcohol.

Tasting Notes:

Fruit-forward flavors and citrusy aroma with a lower ABV and bitterness make this a sessionable and refreshing IPA. The fairly simple malt bill lets the hops do their thing.

Noon Whistle Squishy Gummy

Glenn Allen, head brewer at Pilot Project Brewing in Milwaukee

ABV: 7.1%

Average Price: $17 for a four-pack of 16-ounce cans

The Beer:

Noon Whistle Brewing in Lombard, Illinois does a great job with their IPAs in their Gummy series. The fall release, Squishy Gummy is no different. Brewed with Citra, Mosaic, and Simcoe hops, it’s a beer you need to track down immediately.

Tasting Notes:

This beer is bursting with the traditional hazy flavors of passionfruit and citrus but has distinct berry and pine notes that lend themselves to the change of seasons. This beer is great, but you really can’t go wrong with anything in their portfolio.

Deschutes Fresh Haze

Nico Freccia, co-founder at COO at 21st Amendment Brewery in San Francisco

ABV: 6.5%

Average Price: $11 for a six-pack

The Beer:

Deschutes Brewery Fresh Haze IPA. This year-round hazy IPA is brewed with 2-row and Crystal malts as well as wheat, flaked oats, and Amarillo, Cashmere, Bravo, and Mandarina Bavaria hops. It’s known for its mix of sweet malts and citrus fruits.

Tasting Notes:

While loaded with the juicy, citrusy character that defines hazy IPAs, this beer has a maltier body which really showcases the mild caramel and soft, white bread-like character of the base beer. The orange aroma is tinged with fall fruits like mango and rhubarb.

Hill Farmstead Legitimacy IPA

Fal Allen, brewmaster at Anderson Valley Brewing Co. in Boonville, California

ABV: 6%

Average Price: Limited Availability

The Beer:

I suppose my favorite Hazy IPA comes from Hill Farmstead. Their Legitimacy IPA. It is a single malt grain bill and its resulting 6.0% ABV is smooth easy drinking with no hop burn.

Tasting Notes:

It a generously hopped with Citra, Simcoe, and Motueka to give it a juiciness that appeals to a broad range of beer lovers.

Tree House Julius

Adam Lukey, head brewer at Eventide Brewing in Atlanta

ABV: 6.8%

Average Price: $6 for a 16-ounce can

The Beer:

My Hazy IPA of choice is an absolute no-brainer. It’s Julius by Tree House Brewing Co. out of Massachusetts. Julius is a perfectly executed Hazy IPA bursting with fresh, hand-selected American hops.

Tasting Notes:

It’s a bright, massively juicy beer filled with the flavor and aroma of mango, peach, passionfruit, and a mélange of citrus fruit. Julius has a soft, pillowy mouthfeel and fully rounded bitterness which never tires the palate.

Fort George 3-Way IPA

Chris Baum, head brewer and owner at Varietal Beer Company in Sunnyside

ABV: 7%

Average Price: $13 for a four-pack of 16-ounce cans

The Beer:

My pick for a can’t-miss hazy IPA is the 2023 3-Way IPA from Fort George. I don’t tend to drink hazy IPAs often, but I’ve had more than my fair share of that beer. The Kolsch yeast version was 100.

Tasting Notes:

This version of the popular IPA is filled with notes of ripe berries, guava, mango, grass, and citrus peels. It’s a great beer.

Stone Fear.Movie.Lions

Matthew Steinberg, co-founder and head brewer at Exhibit A Brewing in Framingham, Massachusetts

ABV: 8.5%

Average Price: $13 for a six-pack

The Beer:

Stone Fear.Movie.Lions. Double IPA 8.5% from Stone Brewing in Escondido, California. It’s a great hazy DIPA. It was created to be a mix of West Coast and East Coast IPAs and it lives up to it in all its hazy goodness.

Tasting Notes:

The nose is slightly pine and citrus. Super smooth, good carbonation, slightly dry finish but highly crushable.

Carbon Copy Loupe

Andrew Hueston, USBG bartender at El Vez in Philadelphia

ABV: 6.6%

Average Price: Limited Availability

The Beer:

Carbon Copy’s Loupe. From a small neighborhood brewery in West Philly. It was made with some experimental hops and then dry-hopped with something else from New Zealand.

Tasting Notes:

The use of experimental hop extract and New Zealand-sourced hops give this beer a huge tropical fruit flavor that you’ll go back to again and again. Every minute I don’t drink this beer I am haunted by the memory of how amazing it was.

Tommy Tuberville used to be an award-winning college football coach. Today he’s best known for holding America’s military hostage during the Israel-Hamas conflict. The far right Alabama senator refuses to budge on hundreds of military promotions, including top officers in the Army and the Navy. His reason? He wants to change Pentagon abortion policy first. Even after fellow Republicans urged him to relent, he simply doubled down. So here’s old footage of Tuberville falling down some stairs cued to ‘80s solo Phil Collins.

Per The Big Lead, the footage — which one person mashed to the immortal drum explosion from Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” — dates from 2014, when Tuberville was head coach at the University of Cincinnati. It shows him eating crap while descending from a private airplane. To make it even more embarrassing, Tuberville was en route to the Military bowl, where Cincinnati lost to Virginia Tech, and badly.

The clip resurfaced this week, partly due to Tuberville’s congressional antics, partly because of his history of dragging Joe Biden for taking some spills. That’s why one of the first people to share it, one Jason Cooper, did so.

Hey, we all fall down sometimes. Most, though, don’t do what Donald Trump once did, which is walk weirdly on a ramp, because Biden’s the one who’s frail.

(Via The Big Lead)

There are a lot of great hot sauces on shelves around the country. You can get hot sauce almost anywhere — grocers, mini-marts, gas stations, and even gift shops. There are entire shows and culinary empires built around the chili pepper-based condiment. There’s so much hot sauce out there (and a lot of it is dirt cheap) that you have to wonder whether it’s ever worth making at home.

We wondered that too. So let’s all find out together.

For this exercise, I dug through very famous hot sauce recipes online — pulled from food blogs, TikTok, and Google. There were just … so many. Why is that, exactly? For one, there are so many different chili peppers that you can kind of go down an all-day rabbit hole there alone. Then you have fresh sauce, fermented sauces, vinegar-based, non-vinegar-based, sugar or no sugar, and so on until your head starts to spin.

Hopefully, the five recipes I picked will save you from a few hot sauce rabbit holes and some head-spinning. These recipes are all straightforward but I’m going to stop short of calling them all easy. Making your own hot sauce requires some prep and protection. Always wear gloves, folks. You can thank me later for that little tip.

After I made these sauces, I taste-tested them and then ranked them based on how deep, hot, and tasty they were. I used a plain Pringle as the blank canvas to test each sauce, in case you’re wondering. It was nice and neutral. Okay, let’s get into the thick of it and make some hot sauce!

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5. Copycat Frank’s RedHot Hot Sauce

Frank’s RedHot is one of the most popular hot sauces on the shelf these days (and the base for any decent buffalo wing sauce). That makes this a great place to start, as it’s familiar enough to be a control but also good enough to shine as an at-home recipe.

Ingredients:

• 18 fresh cayenne peppers (de-stemmed and de-seeded) or 1 oz. of dry arbol chilis
• 1.5 cups white vinegar
• 2 tsp. minced garlic
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 tsp. garlic powder

Sourcing fresh cayenne pepper is a pain in the ass. So if you’re not growing some in your backyard, feel free to replace them with dry arbol chilis, which you can get at any Mexican supermarket. Pre-soak them for about an hour in boiling water to reactivate them and you’re good to go.

What You’ll Need:

• Small pot
• Food processor (blender or immersion mixer)
• Jar or bottle (for storage)
• Cutting board
• Kitchen knife
• Gloves
• Fine mesh sieve

Method:

• Slice the stems off the chili peppers and slice in half length-wise. Use the tip of the knife to remove most of the seeds (you don’t have to remove them all).
• Add all the ingredients to a small pot and bring to a rolling simmer for 20 to 25 minutes. Add a 50/50 mix of vinegar and water as needed if the vinegar boils off.
• After 15 minutes of simmering, pour the contents of the pot into a food processor and process until the puree is thick and smooth.
• Run the pureed sauce through a sieve and return to the hot pot to gently simmer for another 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.
• Cool completely and funnel into a jar or bottle (store in fridge).

Bottom Line:

This tastes like mild and very average hot sauce. There’s a touch of heat but nothing overly interesting about it. Given the effort to make this and the fact that a bottle of Frank’s RedHot costs about $3, I doubt I’ll do this ever again.

4. Fresh Jalapeño Hot Sauce

Let’s go green! The beauty here is that green jalapeño chili peppers tend not to be as hot, allowing for a much milder sauce. This recipe from Food & Wine hits that mild yet flavorful mark perfectly. The best part? This is a no-cook recipe — making it very fast/easy to execute at home. (And yes, a hot sauce can be raw or uncooked)

Ingredients:

• 6 oz. jalapeño chiles (de-stemmed and mostly de-seeded)
• 4 cilantro sprigs (roughly chopped)
• 2 green onions (roughly chopped)
• 2 garlic cloves (crushed)
• 0.5 cups distilled white vinegar
• 2 tbsp. white sugar
• 1 tbsp. fresh lime juice
• 1 tsp. kosher salt

All of these ingredients should be easy to find at any average grocery store.

What You’ll Need:

• Food processor or blender
• Cutting board
• Kitchen knife
• Gloves
• Hand juicer

Method:

• Add all the ingredients to the blender or food processor and blend until smooth.
• Pour into a jar and store in the fridge.

Bottom Line:

This is very tasty. The only reason it’s lower on the list is that it feels less like a traditional hot sauce and more like a dip or side sauce. A salsa. It’s spicy, full of great acidic notes, and overall very fresh. This might be my overall favorite if I was looking for the “brightest” hot sauce.

3. Easy TikTok Hot Sauce Recipe

There are about a trillion hot sauce recipes on TikTok. You can find anything and everything. So let’s go “easy” and recreate a hot sauce recipe that’s not going to break the bank, cause us to travel to another country for ingredients, or take forever to execute.

Ingredients:

• 5 oz. Cayenne peppers (de-stemmed) or 1 oz. dried arbol chili peppers (pre-soaked in warm water for an hour)
• 1 habanero pepper (de-stemmed)
• 1.25 cups water
• 0.75 cup white vinegar
• 1 tsp. kosher salt
• 1 garlic clove
• 0.5 tsp. garlic powder
• 0.5 tsp. onion powder

Again, it might be hard to find fresh cayenne peppers out there. If you strike out, hit up a Mexican supermarket for a bag of dried arbols. It’s not exactly the same but it does get the job done.

What You’ll Need:

• Saucepan or skillet
• Food processor (blender or immersion mixer)
• Fine mesh sieve
• Bowl
• Jar or bottle (for storage)
• Cutting board
• Kitchen knife
• Gloves

Method:

• Cut the stems from all the chili peppers. De-seed a few for a less intense heat. Or not.
• Add all the ingredients to a saucepan and simmer for 20 minutes.
• Pour the ingredients into a food processor and puree until smooth. Add more water and/or vinegar if you want a thinner sauce.
• Run the sauce through a fine mesh sieve into a waiting bowl. Add salt and sugar to taste and store in a bottle or jar in the fridge.

Bottom Line:

This is a pretty good hot sauce. It didn’t feel average and actually tasted deeper than any $3 bottle from the grocery store.

Was it worth the effort? Maybe.

There are a lot of really good hot sauces on the shelf for $7-$10 that don’t take slicing peppers and infusing your house with chili pepper spice smell for an hour. Still, this is a good hot sauce. I’d dress my wings with it.

3. Roy Choi’s LocoL Korean Hot Sauce

Chefs Roy Choi and Daniel Patterson know their way around hot sauce. Their LocoL Korean-infused tomato-based hot sauce is their go-to for dipping, basting, and dressing all things you’d ever want to spice up.

Ingredients:

• 1 28-oz. can of whole peeled tomatoes (drained and crushed by hand)
• 1/2 fennel bulb (cored and diced)
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 1/8 cup vegetable oil
• 1/8 cup white wine vinegar
• 1/8 cup gochujang
• Salt

This is another grocery list that should be pretty easy to fill at any grocery store. Even my very rural Krogers in Kentucky had gochujang on the shelf.

What You’ll Need:

• Saucepan
• Food processor (blender or immersion mixer)
• Jar or bottle (for storage)
• Cutting board
• Kitchen knife

Method:

• Heat the oil over medium heat and add the fennel and garlic with a big pinch of salt. Cook for about 15 minutes, stirring as needed, until the veg is very tender.
• Add the vinegar and tomatoes and bring to a rolling simmer. Let simmer until water has evaporated (about 10 minutes).
• Once cooked down, pour the mix into a food processor, add the gochujang, and blend until super smooth. Season with salt and store in a jar in the fridge.

Bottom Line:

This is just delicious. The onion adds a meaty texture and flavor to the tomato base that almost gets creamy. The gochujang adds a great layer of depth and a whisper of fermented funk that helps amp up the flavors.

I can’t wait to try this on everything! I’m cooking chicken in it, dipping tortilla chips in it, dropping some in my next bowl of ramen, everything!

1. Rick Bayless’ Habanero Hot Sauce

Say what you will about Rick Bayless, the man knows his way around a chili pepper. So there’s no better way to start your homemade hot sauce journey than by mastering one of his hot sauces.

Ingredients:

• 12 orange/yellow habanero chili pepper (de-stemmed)
• 6 cloves of garlic (do not peel)
• 0.5 cup carrots (diced)
• 0.5 cup white onion (diced)
• 1 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1 cup water
• 2 tsp. salt
• 0.25 tsp. granulated sugar

This is another grocery list that’s filled at any decent grocery store. It’s also worth noting that for this recipe, I did de-seed about half of the habanero chilis. I wanted a “hot” but not “insane hot” hot sauce.

What You’ll Need:

• Skillet
• Small pot or saucepan
• Food processor (blender or immersion mixer)
• Jar or bottle (for storage)
• Cutting board
• Kitchen knife
• Gloves

Method:

• Heat a skillet on medium-high heat, add the garlic (still in the peel), and roast for a good 10 minutes. The peel might turn a dark color or even black, but that’s fine. Once the garlic is soft to the touch, remove from heat and set aside.
• Cut the stems from the habanero and I like to de-seed at least half of them (this will determine how hot your sauce ends up being).
• Put a small pot on medium heat and add the habaneros, carrots, onion, water, and vinegar, and bring to a slow simmer.
• After 10 minutes of simmering the carrot should be very tender. Pour all the pot into a food processor and puree until very smooth. Add the salt and sugar and taste. Add more if needed.
• Let cool in jars and store in the fridge.

Bottom Line:

This is exactly what you want in a homemade hot sauce. It’s thick and spicy with a killer kick that’s accented by sweetness, umami, meatiness, and brightness. It has everything while offering a serious kick. Plus it tastes clearly like the chili it was made from, adding to the depth of the flavor profile.

Final Thoughts on the Hot Sauce Recipes

So is making your own hot sauce worth it? I really don’t know. The Frank’s RedHot Copycat recipe, absolutely not. The effort is far too much on that one. That also kind of goes for the TikTok recipe. I like that sauce, but the effort is a lot for something you can grab off the shelf almost everywhere.

I do think the fresh green hot sauce was worth it, especially if you’re already cooking out in the backyard. I also really think the LocoL hot sauce and Rick Bayless’ hot sauce are worth the effort to make. Those are just great sauces that are also unique and give you something new and fresh. They also taste freaking good.