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In 1994, Speed transformed Keanu Reeves into a bonafide action star thanks to its pulse-pounding ride on a bomb-strapped bus that can’t slow down. (The film also put Sandra Bullock in a breakout performance.) Almost 30 years later, Speed is considered an action classic as appreciation for the film has also shown no signs of slowing down. Case in point, the arrival of a new podcast, 50 MPH, that takes a deep dive into Speed’s production.

According to host Kris Tapley, the script for Speed was a major source of contention thanks to Joss Whedon writing “roughly 90 percent of the film’s final dialogue,” yet losing out credit for the film due to a WGA ruling. The film’s original writer Graham Yost received sole writing credit, sparking a confrontation with Whedon at the film’s premiere.

However, that’s not the only matter the two writers disagree on, but in a twist, this argument is about taking credit. For years, Yost has maintained that Whedon came up with the famous “Pop quiz, hot shot” line spoken by Dennis Hopper’s character. However, Whedon insists he didn’t write the line.

Via The Hollywood Reporter:

Speaking of “hot shot,” Whedon says was [he] not responsible for the film’s most famous line — “Pop quiz, hot shot!” — despite fans and many who worked on the film assuming it was his. Said Yost: “For the past 25 years of my life, people would come up to me and say, ‘Pop quiz, hot shot.’ And I have to nod and smile. That was Joss’ line, that wasn’t me.” But Whedon said: “No, it’s not. That was already in. It’s the only line people remember. But I cannot take credit for it, for it is not mine.”

After researching the available drafts for Speed, Tapley determined that another script doctor, Paul Attanasio, “most likely came up with the line.” However, that doesn’t completely solve the mystery because Attanasio “couldn’t recall” writing the line, but Tapley concluded he’s the likeliest suspect.

(Via The Hollywood Reporter)

Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

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On the other hand, that time you told that girl you just started seeing that you would “catch a grenade” for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn’t exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to “lose your number” and move back to Milwaukee to “figure some stuff out.”

Nothing good can come of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

That time you held that boom box over your head outside your ex’s house? You did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of community service later, you’re still not back together.

Love songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.

They’re amazing. So amazing. And also terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren’t, and one song that doesn’t sound romantic but totally is:

1. “God Only Knows,” by The Beach Boys

You can keep your “Surfin’ Safaris,” your “I Get Arounds,” and your “Help me Rhondas.”

When it comes to The Beach Boys, “God Only Knows” is where it’s at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars above you

You never need to doubt it

I’ll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I’d be without you

If you’re traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing “God Only Knows” on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.

If you’re lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and “God Only Knows” isn’t playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this point.

If you’re a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you’re not underscoring it with the opening chords of “God Only Knows,” you are doing it wrong.

It’s a song that just feels like love. Pure love. Young love. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here’s why it’s actually really, really unromantic:

There’s nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

“Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette…” Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should ever leave me

Though life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me?

Look, I get it. Breakups suck. There’s no getting around that. But good God.

There’s a huge difference between saying: “Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I’ll be bummed if you go.” And saying: “Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I’m just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life.”

But that’s pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line…

God only knows what I’d be without you

…horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: “I’d be a corpse!”

That’s not love. That’s codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn’t loving. It’s a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may only know what you’d be without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don’t know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

“Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her name again?” Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot be anyone’s be-all and end-all. It’s too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that’s gotta be done before you can do anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. “Treasure,” by Bruno Mars

Sure, it’s a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you’ve ever heard. But, we don’t have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here’s why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Honey, you’re my golden star

You know you can make my wish come true

If you let me treasure you

If you let me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out party and you’ll likely get an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will think you’re weird — but probably still make out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.

And I’m OK with that.

But, here’s why “Treasure” isn’t as romantic as it seems:

Everything about “Treasure” is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

Things start to go south right from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell you a little something about yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams “respect” quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she “doesn’t know about herself.”

What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she’s got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

“Thanks for teaching me all about Martin Luther’s bible!” Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: It’s none of those.

You’re wonderful, flawless, ooh, you’re a sexy lady

But you walk around here like you wanna be someone else

Oh. It’s that she’s sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she’s walking, the lady knows she’s sexy. Even if she doesn’t, it really doesn’t affect her day-to-day so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to be someone else? I’d love to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a three-day weekend.

And then later, of course, the narrator can’t help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A girl like you should never look so blue.

He respects her so much, he’s actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars’ character “Uptown Funk,” who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to “hit [their] hallelujah.” Which, you know, I guess everybody’s got a thing.

Yes, in the world of “Treasure,” a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses “the sex.”

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world’s creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you are

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you are

By this point, in his mind, she’s a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she’s not just any thing.

GIF from “The Two Towers.”

That’s … something, right?

3. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right,” by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And “Don’t Think Twice” is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

File:Joan Baez Bob Dylan crop.jpg – Wikimedia Commons

commons.wikimedia.org

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don’t know by now

And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It’ll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I’ll be gone

You’re the reason I’m a-traveling on

But don’t think twice, it’s all right.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

“Don’t Think Twice” is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It’s the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend’s cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.

Sure, it’s about the end of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn’t that be enough?

Here’s why it’s actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest discussion about what went wrong.

In “Don’t Think Twice,” that discussion basically boils down to: “It’s your fault.”

Let’s review the reasons the dude in “Don’t Think Twice” is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You’re all like, “Babe, I just have so much unspecified love to give,” and she’s like, “Take out the trash!” And you’re like, “But baaaaaaabe, shouldn’t my heart be enough?” And she’s like, “No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is take out the trash.” And you’re like, “You’re bumming me out. I’m gonna go play guitar.” And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!

You could have done better, but I don’t mind

Yes. You do mind! You mind! You wrote a song about it, you passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Think about all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it.Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute you start breaking it down, the message of “Don’t Think Twice” suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister’s ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt’s wind chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the ’80s. Like your friend’s cool dad, who wasn’t exactly, technically, paying child support.

Oh yeah, and the song’s narrator also point-blank refers woman he’s leaving as:

A child, I’m told

That’s right. In addition to being a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he’s also possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she’s not actually a child — which there’s no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy.Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

“Leaving on a Jet Plane” is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

‘Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, “I’m a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard,” but in a way that’s somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not easy to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

You see — he hates to go! He just hates it! We know this, because he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn’t love his partner just that much?

Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here’s why it’s actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract so much from the fact that the song’s main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn’t actually seem like he hates being away all that much:

There’s so many times I’ve let you down

So many times I’ve played around

I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing

“Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense.”

Yes, when you break it down, “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he’s “good” despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up about having to part from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, you’re leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the “terrible” Cibo express salad you were forced to choke down as you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

“Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe.” Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev’ry place I go, I’ll think of you

Ev’ry song I sing, I’ll sing for you

Ah cool. He’ll think about her while strumming and making “my love is delicate as the morning dew” eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.

Then he demands:

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you’ll wait for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who can’t be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And here’s the kicker:

When I come back, I’ll bring your wedding ring

Ah yes. He’ll put a ring on it. Finally.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he’s cheated a billion times, drained the family bank account, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

But yeah. This time he says he’ll bring back a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. “When a Man Loves a Woman,” Percy Sledge

When you look up “soul” in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very first line.

Here’s why it sound very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Sure, you can write the lyrics down, but it doesn’t even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Closer … but still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It’s an elemental lyric.

It’s a heart-shattering lyric.

It’s a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

It’s perfection.

As long as you don’t keep listening.

Here’s why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of “When a Man Loves a Woman,” we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He’d give up all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that’s the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A man can’t put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! Once a man’s whole support system erodes out from under him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man’s mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin’ to hold on to your heartless love

Baby, please don’t treat me bad.

This is not what happens “when a man loves a woman.” It’s what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

“It’s Chris or me.” Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that’s not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We’re here for you.

(Side note: Lest it go unsaid, there is way more than one way for a man to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there’s no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There’s more than one way to skin a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the right metaphor, as long as it’s a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You can do this! And if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, please give these people a call.

6. “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes (“Jaaaamie’s Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World’s Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts”) and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always be listening to it. If you’re not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It’s just that important.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Here’s why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for one night of mind-blowing sex and then releasing him back into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while

I don’t have to go on because you know what happens next, and it’s awesome.

Now, here’s why this song is not romantic at all:

The relationship in “All I Wanna Do” seems too good to be true. And it is. Because it’s not an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

It’s a…

It’s a…

Well. You know what it is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn’t ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain

Fate, tell me it’s right, is this love at first sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick up a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that night

He did everything right

Great! Seems like it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin’ off big time.

But then, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an all-time great romance and more like a story men’s rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him “I am the flower, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare

Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there”

I’m not a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. But unless “flower,” “seed,” “garden,” and “tree,” suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we’re talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to think, “Maybe Heart meant something else by that.”

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then it happened one day

We came round the same way

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are two possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from nine years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, “Please, please understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I’m in love with another man

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not one but two lives.

And what he couldn’t give me, oh, no

Was the one little thing that you can”

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you can say about that is that it’s not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

But … it’s not cute. It’s not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the end of the day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which… is saying something.

But there is a love song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.

And that song is…

“Candy Shop,” by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here’s why you might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:

As catchy as “Candy Shop” is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic as it can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., there’s no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop

I’ll post that again, in case you missed some of the nuance:

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop

Way to take one for the team, narrator of “Candy Shop”!

At first glance, “Candy Shop” is nobody’s idea of a classic love song.

The lyrics are … unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in “Homeland.”

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from “Homeland.”

It doesn’t get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels … kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” on your new Xbox 360.

It’s not a song you’d put on a mixtape for your crush. It’s not a song you’d play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you’ve got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It’s certainly not a song you’d include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents’ silver anniversary.

It’s just not.

But it should be.

So here it is. Here’s why “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It’s only been 20 seconds, and you’re already getting ready to hang it up with “Candy Shop.”

But then … over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female voice joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion call.

She sings:

I’ll take you to the candy shop (yeah)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I’ll have you spendin’ all you got (come on)

Keep going ’til you hit the spot, whoa

It’s mutual! It’s mutual! They’re performing oral sex on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the world’s greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he’s done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of “Candy Shop”? He gets it:

You could have it your way, how do you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he’s with — a la the dude in “God Only Knows (“I’m going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!”) or the street heckler in “Treasure” (“I’m going to treat you like a chest full of gold doubloons!”) or the sociopath in “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You,” (“I’m going to trick you into knocking me up!”) — the “Candy Shop” guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It’s whatever you’re into

‘Cause consent is sexy!

I ain’t finished teaching you ’bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of “Candy Shop” is certainly … assertive about his desires.

But here’s the key thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She’s clearly into it. And we know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in “Candy Shop” are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what we do …

And where we do …

The things we do …

Are just between me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. It will be private. There will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to “Blurred Lines,” to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of “Candy Shop”) minutes long.

She may have a high sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids just might go the distance after all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It’s like it’s a race who could get undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I touch the right spot at the right time

Of course, it wouldn’t be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we’re to take him at his word, “Candy Shop” guy is at least as good at “doing everything right” as the anonymous hitchhiker from “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You” — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The “Candy Shop” guy is a keeper. Because he’s not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He’s a good partner.

“Candy Shop” is raunchy. It’s dirty. It’s not your grandmother’s love song.

But when you strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from “Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993,” by the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what a healthy relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

So seductive.

This article originally appeared on 12.21.22

In addition to being the star of Marvel franchise “Thor,” actor Chris Hemsworth is also a father-of-three? And it turns out, he’s pretty much the coolest dad ever.

In a clip from a 2015 interview on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” Hemsworth shared an interesting conversation he had with his 4-year-old daughter India.

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“My daughter’s kind of envious of my boys,” Hemsworth told Ellen. “She came to me the other day, and she’s like ‘You know, Papa, I want one of those things that Sasha and Tristan have.’ And I’m like, ‘What do you mean?’ She said, ‘You know the things in between their legs that you have.'”

Hemsworth said he tried to explain the differences between male and female bodies, but his daughter wasn’t having it.

“She goes, ‘I really want one!’ Hemsworth said. “I’m like, ‘A penis?’ And she’s like, ‘I want a penis!’

And then, Hemsworth had the best possible response. He recalls:

She’s four and I’m like, ‘You know what, you can be whatever you want to be.’ And she goes, ‘Thanks, Dad.’ Runs off into the playground and that was it.

And then, I cannot confirm, but I’m pretty sure the Ellen audience did this:

Major kudos to Hemsworth for taking a potentially awkward parenting situation and turning it into a lesson about love and acceptance.

You can watch the full clip here:

This article originally appeared on 08.27.18

Anyone who owns a dog can attest to the amazing comfort they provide during times of stress or discomfort. Research shows that dogs have a biological effect on us that elevates our levels of oxytocin, which is known as the “love hormone.”

Unfortunately, most of the time, dogs aren’t allowed in the place where people need comfort the most: hospitals. Even though evidence suggests that that visiting with a pet while hospitalized improves a patient’s mood while reducing their anxiety.

A story shared by Reddit user Mellifluous_Username on the online forum went viral because of the lengths he and his dog went to to visit his sick wife.

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For brevity’s sake, we’ll refer to Mellifluous_Username as “Mel.”

“My wife was in the hospital after a very invasive surgery, which after a few days, looked like it did not produce ideal results,” Mel wrote. “The prognosis was not good. She was able to speak, but was not eating or drinking, and relied completely on her IV and hard pain pills. In one rare instance of cogent speech, she convinced me to sneak our dog into her private room, so she could see her ‘one more time.'”

Mel decided he could sneak their 50-pound Austrian Shepherd into her hospital room by hiding it in a suitcase.

“I packed her in, with the lid unzipped, and placed her in the car until we arrived at the hospital,” Mel wrote. “When we arrived, I ‘explained’ to her that I would open the zipper in a few minutes and that she could see her Mommy.”

As they slipped their way through the s hospital wings, the dog was quiet as a cat burglar. When asked about the suitcase, Mel told the nurses that he was bringing “items to make my wife more comfortable.”

“When we entered the room, my wife was asleep,” Mel wrote. “I unzipped the suitcase, and the dog immediately jumped on the bed, and gingerly laid across her chest, somehow avoiding the wires and IV. She positioned herself to where she could look directly into my wife’s eyes, and laid completely still, until about twenty minutes later, when my wife woke up, and started moaning in pain.”

“The dog immediately started licking her, and quietly moaned, as if knowing that barking would definitely blow our cover,” Mel wrote.

“My wife hugged her for almost an hour, smiling the whole time,” he continued. “We were busted by one nurse who was so touched that she promised not to tell. When my wife finally went back to sleep, I loaded the dog back in the suitcase, and she somewhat sheepishly obliged.”

Mel’s wife passed away a few days later, but his dog has yet to learn the sad truth. “Now, whenever I grab the suitcase, the dog thinks we are doing to see her again,” he wrote.

This article originally appeared on 02.07.19

There’s a lot of men out there that shy away from discussing menstruation with women. But any man who’s ever taken a class in basic human biology or had a mother, sister, wife, girlfriend or any other woman in their life should know the basics of how it works.

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That’s why a mother on the Mumsnet message board was completely “shocked” that her daughter’s teacher told her to “hold in” her period.

Does he think a woman can hold in her period like it’s pee?

Mumsnet is a UK website where parents come together to discuss anything from adoption to women’s rights. This post appeared under the “Am I Being Unreasonable” thread.

via Mumsnet

According to the post, the 15-year-old’s teacher prevented her from using the bathroom because he legitimately thinks women can hold back period blood. Or he knows a bit about biology but still decided to put her in the position to be mortally embarrassed.

The mother later said that the lessons last two hours so the girl had a long time to wait before being able to change her pad.

A few parents said that the teacher was correct to say no because students often lie about their periods to get out of class.

But most parents thought the teacher did the wrong thing and needs a lesson in basic biology.

One poster was irate but completely right about the issue.

Another believes the daughter should have disobeyed the teacher and gone to the bathroom.

This poster did a great job at re-framing the situation so that the teacher’s actions seem even more ridiculous.

Why should the mother even have to justify herself?

The $50,000 question: What subject does the instructor teach?

assets.rebelmouse.io

This story originally appeared on 02.13.20

Simone Biles withdrawing from the team final in the Tokyo Olympics and subsequently withdrawing from the individual all-around finals after getting a case of the “twisties” has the world talking. She’s received overwhelming support as well as overwhelming criticism for the move, with some praising her for recognizing her limits and others blasting her for not persevering through whatever she’s dealing with.

Some people pointed to Kerri Strug, who landed on one foot after vaulting with a broken ankle in the 1996 Olympics to help the U.S. win gold, as an example of the kind of sacrifice an athlete should be willing to make for their country.

Byron Heath shared some thoughts about that fateful day in a viral Facebook post that has been shared more than 370,000 times in less than a day.

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Heath wrote:

“This realization I had about Simone Biles is gonna make some people mad, but oh well.

Yesterday I was excited to show my daughters Kerri Strug’s famous one-leg vault. It was a defining Olympic moment that I watched live as a kid, and my girls watched raptly as Strug fell, and then limped back to leap again.

But for some reason I wasn’t as inspired watching it this time. In fact, I felt a little sick. Maybe being a father and teacher has made me soft, but all I could see was how Kerri Strug looked at her coach, Bela Karolyi, with pleading, terrified eyes, while he shouted back ‘You can do it!’ over and over again.

My daughters didn’t cheer when Strug landed her second vault. Instead they frowned in concern as she collapsed in agony and frantic tears.

‘Why did she jump again if she was hurt?’ one of my girls asked. I made some inane reply about the heart of a champion or Olympic spirit, but in the back of my mind a thought was festering: *She shouldn’t have jumped again*

The more the thought echoed, the stronger my realization became. Coach Karolyi should have gotten his visibly injured athlete medical help immediately! Now that I have two young daughters in gymnastics, I expect their safety to be the coach’s number one priority. Instead, Bela Karolyi told Strug to vault again. And he got what he wanted; a gold medal that was more important to him than his athlete’s health. I’m sure people will say ‘Kerri Strug was a competitor–she WANTED to push through the injury.’ That’s probably true. But since the last Olympics we’ve also learned these athletes were put into positions where they could be systematically abused both emotionally and physically, all while being inundated with ‘win at all costs’ messaging. A teenager under those conditions should have been protected, and told ‘No medal is worth the risk of permanent injury.’ In fact, we now know that Strug’s vault wasn’t even necessary to clinch the gold; the U.S. already had an insurmountable lead.

Nevertheless, Bela Karolyi told her to vault again according to his own recounting of their conversation:

‘I can’t feel my leg,’ Strug told Karolyi.

‘We got to go one more time,’ Karolyi said. ‘Shake it out.’

‘Do I have to do this again?’ Strug asked. ‘Can you, can you?’ Karolyi wanted to know.

‘I don’t know yet,’ said Strug. ‘I will do it. I will, I will.’

The injury forced Strug’s retirement at 18 years old. Dominique Moceanu, a generational talent, also retired from injuries shortly after. They were top gymnasts literally pushed to the breaking point, and then put out to pasture. Coach Karolyi and Larry Nassar (the serial sexual abuser) continued their long careers, while the athletes were treated as a disposable resource.

Today Simone Biles–the greatest gymnast of all time–chose to step back from the competition, citing concerns for mental and physical health. I’ve already seen comments and posts about how Biles ‘failed her country’, ‘quit on us’, or ‘can’t be the greatest if she can’t handle the pressure.’ Those statements are no different than Coach Karolyi telling an injured teen with wide, frightened eyes: ‘We got to go one more time. Shake it out.’

The subtext here is: ‘Our gold medal is more important than your well-being.’

Our athletes shouldn’t have to destroy themselves to meet our standards. If giving empathetic, authentic support to our Olympians means we’ll earn less gold medals, I’m happy to make that trade.

Here’s the message I hope we can send to Simone Biles: You are an outstanding athlete, a true role model, and a powerful woman. Nothing will change that. Please don’t sacrifice your emotional or physical well-being for our entertainment or national pride. We are proud of you for being brave enough to compete, and proud of you for having the wisdom to know when to step back. Your choice makes you an even better example to our daughters than you were before. WE’RE STILL ROOTING FOR YOU!”

Many people shared Heath’s sentiment, with comments pouring in thanking him for putting words to what they were feeling.

We’re in a new era where our lens of what’s admirable, what’s strong, and what’s right has shifted. We understand more about the lifelong impact of too many concussions. We have trainers and medics checking on football players after big hits. We are finding a better balance between competitiveness and well-being. We are acknowledging the importance of mental health and physical health.

We are also more aware of how both physical and mental trauma impacts young bodies. Though Kerri Strug pushing through the pain has long been seen as an iconic moment in sports, the adults in the room should have been protecting her, not pushing her through an obvious injury.

And the way this fall of Dominique Moceanu at age 14 was handled is downright shocking by today’s standards. She said she never received an exam for it, even after the competition was over. So wrong.

u201cIn our sport, we essentially dive into a pool w/ no water. When you lose your ability to find the groundu2014which appears to be part of @Simone_Biles decisionu2014-the consequences can be catastrophic. She made the right decision for the team & herself. @bispingu201d

— Dominique Moceanu (@Dominique Moceanu)
1627483863

“@Carolinafan0279 @Simone_Biles Nope 👎🏻”

u201c@Carolinafan0279 @Simone_Biles Nope ud83dudc4eud83cudffbu201d

— Dominique Moceanu (@Dominique Moceanu)
1627483863

Athletes are not cogs in a wheel, and the desire to win a competition should not trump someone’s well-being. Elite gymnasts already put themselves through grueling physical and mental feats; they wouldn’t be at the top of their sport if they didn’t. But there are limits, and too often in our yearning for a gold medal—or even for a triumphant Olympic story—we push athletes too far.

Now we see some of them pushing back, and knowing what we know now, that’s 100% a good thing.

This article originally appeared on 07.28.21

As a Gen X parent, it’s weird to try to describe my childhood to my kids. We’re the generation that didn’t grow up with the internet or cell phones, yet are raising kids who have never known a world without them. That difference alone is enough to make our 1980s childhoods feel like a completely different planet, but there are other differences too that often get overlooked.

How do you explain the transition from the brown and orange aesthetic of the ’70s to the dusty rose and forest green carpeting of the ’80s if you didn’t experience it? When I tell my kids there were smoking sections in restaurants and airplanes and ashtrays everywhere, they look horrified (and rightfully so—what were we thinking?!). The fact that we went places with our friends with no quick way to get ahold of our parents? Unbelievable.

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One day I described the process of listening to the radio, waiting for my favorite song to come on so I could record it on my tape recorder, and how mad I would get when the deejay talked through the intro of the song until the lyrics started. My Spotify-spoiled kids didn’t even understand half of the words I said.

And ’80s hair? With the feathered bangs and the terrible perms and the crunchy hair spray? What, why and how?

In some ways, that era was simpler. We weren’t bombarded with information and opinions about every issue in the world 24/7 and had the freedom to just be kids. At the same time, I personally have no desire to go back. (My straight, fine hair was not made for the ’80s.)

However, one dad is bringing full-on nostalgia to millions of Gen Xers with a viral TikTok he made about sharing his ’80s childhood with his 8-year-old son. Justin H (who goes by @shadyraro on TikTok) included photos and descriptions of things all ’80s kids will recognize and it’s like hopping into a time machine.

Like, the unwound cassette tape struggle was genuinely real. Grab a pencil, start winding and pray. “The A-Team”? Totally. Streetlight curfew? Yep.

@shadyraro

The 80’s was the best decade #80s #80skid #oldschool #genx #parents #funny #family #foryou #fyp

The video has been viewed more than 10 million times this week, with commenters neck-deep in their feelings about their childhood flashbacks.

“I miss them days, technology has taken away so much,” wrote one commenter.

“Miss the 80s era but unfortunately us kids were the remote control,” wrote another. (So true. Changing the channel was exercise.)

“The 80’s cannot be explained…it was an experience…a complete vibe all its own…and if you missed it I’m so sorry for you!” wrote another.

And if you feel like there were some things missing, no worries. There’s a Part Two:

@shadyraro

The 80’s was the best decade Part 2 #80s #80skid #oldschool #genx #parents #funny #family #foryou #fyp

The ashtray in the back of the car seat! The phone booth! The Walkman! The overhead projector. So my childhood. I can practically taste the Tang and Twinkies.

Kids today will never know the ugly beauty of growing up in the ’80s, but someday they’ll have their own tales to tell their kids that they’ll look on with fondness and nostalgia. “We used to spend hours building things with little digital blocks in Minecraft…”

There’s never been anything like the ’80s and there never will be again. Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Justin H.

This article originally appeared on 05.21.22

Would you be considered human if you haven’t locked yourself out of your house at least once? One mom on TikTok found herself in quite the predicament with only her toddler to “mission impossible” his way to unlocking the house door to let his mom, @gesikaaaaaa, inside. The video starts with the camera pointed at a rosy-cheeked toddler on a snow-covered porch.

The boy looks to be no older than 2 or 3 but he’s an expert at following directions … sort of. It’s all still pretty new to him and, as anyone who’s ever interacted with a toddler knows, multistep directions are not the way to go. They tend to hear one thing only and even then are apt to be distracted by a stray piece of lint and not be able to finish the task.

Everything is new to a toddler and it doesn’t take much to distract them. And just about anything can be a toy. So when this mom helped her son through an open window in an effort to guide him through the process of unlocking the door, classic toddler cuteness ensued.

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The desperate mom explains in the video that she left one window unlocked and you can see immediately that there’s no way an adult could fit through the small space without injury. So instead she uses her toddler to do it and once he’s inside the house his instructions are to get a chair … he finds a bowl. His mom tells him, “Focus. Focus. Grab the chair and take it to the door.”

What do you know? That sweet boy did just as he was told. Until he found a rock. Mom quickly refocuses the boy and the chair is back on the move, then he finds the fireplace tongs and takes a break to play with the fireside tools stand. Eventually the little guy succeeds in his mission but the journey there was the cutest maze of side quests you’ll ever see.

Watch him rescue his mom below:

@gesikaaaaaa

Thank god for tiny humans #bne #lockedout #tinyhuman #mamashelper #breakingin #DoTheSmartThings #toddlercomedy #kidtok

This article originally appeared on 1.4.23

Before leakers have the opportunity to spill the tea, Oscar-nominated rocker Mitski has just announced that her forthcoming album, The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We, will spawn a double feature. In addition to the new music — including singles “Star,” “Heaven,” and “Bug Like An Angel” — Mitski has curated a special film screening featuring some of her favorite works around the world.

Beginning next week (September 7) ahead of the album’s release, fans will have the opportunity to drop into select theaters to watch films Days Of Heaven (directed by Terrence Malick, 1978), Desert Hearts (dir. Donna Deitch, 1986), Drugstore Cowboy (dir. Gus Van Sant, 1989), and La Strada (dir. Federico Fellini, 1954), which are rumored to be points of inspiration for Mitski’s upcoming release. Attendees will also get a sneak peek of the album.

Although Mitski won’t be in attendance, at each event, attendees will receive a limited edition poster created exclusively for the series. The showings will be held at theaters in eight international cities, including Chicago, Dallas, London, Los Angeles, Melbourne, Nashville, Sydney, and New York.

In addition to the joint advanced listening and movie experience, the following week, supporters will have the opportunity to attend the immersive listening experience under the stars in Tokyo, Japan.

View the full schedule below. Tickets for each date are on sale now. Find more information here.

Movie Screenings
09/07 — Chicago, IL @ Davis Theater [film Drugstore Cowboy]
09/07 — Dallas, TX @ Texas Theatre [film La Strada]
09/07 — Los Angeles, CA @ Brain Dead Studios Fairfax [film Days Of Heaven]
09/07 — Nashville, TN @ Belcourt Theatre [film Drugstore Cowboy]
09/07 — New York, NY @ Village East by Angelika [film Desert Hearts]
09/07 — London, UK @ Everyman Screen on the Green [film Desert Hearts]
09/07 — Sydney, AU @ Ritz Cinemas [film Days Of Heaven]
09/07 — Melbourne, AU @ Lido Cinemas [film Days Of Heaven]

Album Listening Experience
09/14 — Tokyo, JP @ Planetarium Album Listening Experience

The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We is out on 9/15 via Dead Oceans. Find more information here.

Arctic Monkeys are continuing their tour in North America, as the leg kicked off last week and will run through October. The band is playing in support of their recent album, 2022’s The Car, so fans can expect to hear selections from that.

However, as seen at shows like their recent one in Chicago, they are also incorporating fan favorites from across all of their albums — whether it’s their well-known singles from the AM era or older hidden gems.

Some changes between their stops so far have included “Potion Approaching” getting swapped for “Pretty Visitors,” “One Point Perspective” for “Knee Socks, and “I Wanna Be Yours” for “Star Treatment,” according to the setlist from their Minneapolis show on setlist.fm.

Continue scrolling for Arctic Monkeys’ most recent setlist for an idea of what to expect at future shows.

1. “Sculptures Of Anything Goes”
2. “Brianstorm”
3. “Snap Out Of It”
4. “Teddy Picker”
5. “Crying Lightning”
6. “Fireside”
7. “Cornerstone”
8. “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?”
9. “Arabella”
10. “The View From The Afternoon”
11. “Four Out Of Five”
12. “Potion Approaching”
13. “Fluorescent Adolescent”
14. “One Point Perspective”
15. “Do I Wanna Know?”
16. “There’d Better Be A Mirrorball”
17. “505”
18. “Body Paint” (extended outro)
19. “I Wanna Be Yours”
20. “I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor”
21. “R U Mine?”