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The Menu is still driving discourse as awards season heats up and more and more people watch it on streaming. We’ve certainly had our fair share of opinions about what it all means, whether paying $1,200 for a tasting menu is a good price or not, and all the chef-y references throughout. I even cooked the infamous cheeseburger from the film.

But there was another dish that intrigued me. I kept thinking about “Tyler’s Bullshit.”

(Before we dive in any further — this post contains spoilers. You’ve been warned.)

The pivotal dish that Nicholas Hoult’s dipshit character, Tyler, makes is a symbol of how fanboy narcissism (the dude can’t stop taking pictures of dishes) “drains the magic out of cooking” (chef Slowik’s words) while providing exactly zero real hands-on knowledge about the subject at all. Tyler is tasked by the mad chef with cooking something from scratch to prove he deserves to be part of the club (or cult, if you want to get technical). Slowik doesn’t ask for a masterpiece just a simple, good plate of food. After all, he’s in a kitchen that has “everything” so, surely, Tyler can whip something up to prove he’s more than just a blustering fanboy?

Surely over all those years of “loving” food, he’s learned something tangible?

Nope. Not a thing. Tyler’s dish is an utter failure on every level from inception to mise en place — “Look everyone, Tyler’s teaching us an undiscovered form of chopping,” Slowik says, his voice dripping with contempt — to his execution.

“Tyler’s Bullshit” ends up being an inedible dish of undercooked, un-seared lamb chops in a leek butter sauce (that’s burnt) with shallots.

Seeing it led me to ask — could Tyler have made a good dish out of those exact same ingredients? I mean… lamb chops, salt, butter, leeks, and shallots? Nothing terrible or incongruent, right? All of the elements are there. Tyler is just so inadequate in the kitchen that he’d never have found a cohesive dish in a million years.

I’m not going to spoil what happens to Tyler because it’s worth watching fresh, so let’s focus on the food. I’m going to take lamb chops, butter, shallots, and leek and try making a perfectly edible dish with that. I’m not going to dawdle — this whole dish takes about 15 to 20 minutes from the first chop to service, it’s not hard and you can do it at home. As you’ll see, I don’t go crazy with the plating, either. Lamb chops with leeks in a butter sauce is simple, good food.

All Chef Slowik wanted was a serviceable plate of food from Tyler (under the obvious threat of death) — so that’s what I’m shooting for.

• The Single Best Cheeseburger From All The Big Fast Food Chains (Hacks Included!)
• We Blind Tested Ketchup Brands On Fries And Hot Dogs And Picked The #1 Best
• We Blind Tested Every Mayo On The Market To Find The #1 Best
• The #1 Most Boneheaded Error Made By 16 Major Fast Food Chains
• The 20 Most Popular Hot Sauces In America, Blind Tasted And Ranked

“Tyler’s Bullshit”

I’m searing the lamb and placing it under a broiler for a minute with butter while I sear off leek sticks. While the lamb and leeks are resting, I’m going to make a fast quasi-beurre blanc as a pan sauce with the shallots and a ton of butter. That’s really it.

Ingredients:

• 2 Lamb chops
• 1 Leek (white with a bit of green), quartered along the vertical
• 1 shallot, minced
• 1 1/2 sticks of butter (chilled)
• Salt
• Pepper
• Olive Oil
• 1/2 cup white wine***

This is all easy to find at most supermarkets. There’s nothing fancy here really.

*I have to use something to de-glaze the pan after searing the meat and leeks. I would use water but Tyler was literally offered everything he could ever need to make this dish, so one substitution for form isn’t the end of the world in my opinion. The end result is still a “butter sauce” as described in the film.

What You’ll Need:

• Stainless pan, seasoned
• Tongs
• Kitchen Knife
• Cutting boards
• Whisk
• Spoon
• Small pot
• Fine mesh sieve
• Baking dish

Method:

• Preheat the oven to 200-degrees. In the meantime, season the lamb chops liberally with Kosher salt, slice your leeks, mince the shallot, and cube the butter. Now, your mise en place is ready. Slowik would be proud.
• Heat the pan on high heat. Add a glug of olive oil and let heat until it just starts to spit small lines of smoke. Gently lay the lamb chops in the pan and sear until a layer forms on the bottom about 90 seconds. Turn over and sear the other side for about 30 seconds, just until some color gets into them. Place the chops in the baking dish, add a piece of butter to each chop right on the meat, and put it in the oven.
• In the meantime, lay the leeks cut side down and sear off both cut sides and the bottom, about 30 seconds on each side. Remove the leeks from the pan and place them on a wooden cutting board to rest, the cut side down so the outer layer of the leek acts as a blanket to steam the onion inside.
• Remove the lamb chops from the oven and place them on the cutting board to rest too, making sure to keep as much of the melted butter on the meat as possible. Put a serving plate into the oven.
• Lower the pan heat to medium and add the minced shallot and move around until it starts to get translucent — about a minute. Add the white wine and deglaze the pan by getting all the brown bits off the bottom of the pan and into the shallots and wine. Simmer for about 2 or 3 minutes until the white is 1/2 gone. Start adding the chilled butter one cube at a time and whisk constantly. Do this with an entire stick of butter cubes. Whisk. Repeat. If you keep working the butter in slowly, a sauce will form that’s thick enough to coat the back of a spoon.
• Transfer the pan sauce to a small pot via the sieve to remove any bits and the shallots, making sure to push all the juices out of the solids and into the pot. Do not overheat this pot or the sauce will separate.
• Fetch the serving plate from the oven. Spoon some of the sauce onto the bottom to make a single layer. Place the leeks, cut side up, on the plate and hit with a dash of extra virgin olive oil and finishing salt. Place the lamb chops on the plate and dab with the butter pan sauce and hit with a crank of black pepper. Serve.

Bottom Line

So, how’d I do?

From my perspective, this was a great lunch. The lamb was a nice medium-rare, perfectly seasoned, and was so good with the butter pan sauce that I was almost licking the bowl clean. The leeks were soft and sweet with a hint of sharpness. I cooked them in a rustic style you see in southern Italy and France where the heart of the leek is cooked sort of inside the outer layers once intense heat is applied and the left to self-steam, keeping the flavors amped up high.

You’re left with some greens on the plate but who cares when they’re this good. In short, the leeks balanced out the rich butter pan sauce and meaty lamb perfectly. That’s a good bite right there.

Plus, you can see that while my presentation is simple (I was making lunch at home, not serving one of the world’s best chefs), this dish still looked about a billion times more appetizing than the plate above.

Right, chef? Right???

The central trio of Only Murders in the Building are so popular they almost hosted the last year’s chaos Oscars. But the Hulu mystery-comedy has always been about more than stars Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez. They score some big names. Last summer it was reported that Paul Rudd was heading to the Upper West Side for Season 3, which just started filming. Anyway, guess what? Turns out there were able to also nab one of the biggest screen legends in modern history.

On Tuesday, Gomez took to her Instagram page to share what seemed like a standard video from the show’s set. She was joined by Martin and Short, of course, and there was Rudd, sitting right next to them. But hovering in the background was someone perhaps bigger than all of them: no less than Meryl Streep.

The fact that the three-time Oscar-winner, who is debatably more popular now than ever before, was among the cast for Season 3 was a well-kept secret. It was Gomez who broke it, while Martin shared his own photo of the five hanging out on set.

It’s not clear who Streep will be playing. A new resident of the Arconia? An old flame of either Martin’s Charles-Haden Savage or Short’s Olivier Putnam? Just a fan of murder podcasts? But having Queen Meryl on the small screen is still a big deal. She predictably made waves when she joined the second season of Big Little Lies. But over her career she’s mostly stuck to film and theater, only deigning television with her presence sporadically, and then sometimes only lending her voice. (She’s done both The Simpsons and King of the Hill.) In other words, when she chooses to do TV you know it has to earn her.

(Via Variety)

Every once in a while we are blessed with a new Little Guy to become the face of the internet for several weeks or longer, depending on the longevity and likeability of the memes that he (or she!) inspires. He doesn’t have to be cute or even speak coherently, he just has to be 1) a little guy and 2) that’s it. It’s not a science.

You’re all familiar with The Minions that were soon taken over by Facebook moms, or way back when the Care Bears had their meme moment, but there is one little cutie pie who is allowed to come and go as he pleases, just bopping around the universe and returning to our screens every so often, and that is Baby Yoda.

A few things here to note. Yes, his name is not Baby Yoda. Does anyone care? Yes. Are we calling him Baby Yoda? Yes. Are people mad? They always are! So the only choice is to keep celebrating the little green alien and his mighty cup of herbal tea. Baby Yoda (real name Grogu) is making his return in The Mandalorian season three, which is set to premiere on March 1st, making 2023 the official Year Of Pedro Pascal Saving Innocent But Powerful Younglings From The Bad Guys. We can think of a shorter name later.

Of course, we are all collectively happy that our boy is back, though some people are confused since it was a key part of season two that we Mando and Grogu have their teary goodbye. It is explained in an episode of The Book Of Boba Fett, but you know…not a lot of people saw that. But he’s just so cute, that we can overlook that and celebrate the return of our dear friend Grogu.

The Mandalorian (and Baby Yoda) return to Disney+ on March 1.

As recognizable as Cardi B‘s hits are, she’s almost just as well-known for her signature looks — especially her extra-long nails, which she often flaunts online in both pro photoshoots and selfies. Her latest bejeweled look, which she posted on Instagram on Monday (January 16), got plenty of attention from fans but also raised some questions — and Cardi answered one in her typical bold way.

When a fan questioned whether the length of her claws interferes with her “intimate” activities, Cardi hinted at her preferred workaround (and probably gave a sneaky protip to all the ladies out there looking to emulate her lewks). “How does she finger herself with them?” read the fan’s query. “I don’t,” Cardi replied. “I rub it.” Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Fans couldn’t contain their flustered responses, which ranged from impish agreement to thirsty curiosity. We’re ignoring the salty dudes, though.

Cardi’s unfiltered approach to sharing her thoughts always results in hilarious responses from fans. As recently as two weeks ago, Cardi turned a teasing moment with Lizzo into an opportunity to tell the “Good As Hell” singer she “tastes like tamarindo.” She also recently explained why she rapped about “fighting over d*ck” on GloRilla’s “Tomorrow 2,” saying, “If a b*tch goes through your purse and she steals some of your money, you not gonna fight that b*tch?”

Cardi B is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

How do you fairly blind taste test fast food double cheeseburgers? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself ever since my editor first tasked me with what he considered to be a great idea. He’s not entirely wrong, by the way [rarely is, tbh. -ed] — blind taste testing fast food cheeseburgers is an interesting experiment. In theory. But the logistics of how to get it done while still being as comprehensive as our original double cheeseburger ranking from two years ago just don’t check out.

So over the past months, I have steadily ignored him on this matter, hoping the assignment would go away. It hasn’t.

That original ranking consisted of 15 different double cheeseburgers and took weeks to put together. A blind taste test has to all happen at the same moment, so doing 15 is straight-up impossible. Sure, we could round up all the cheeseburgers in question but they’re all going to be cold and if you’ve ever eaten fast food you’ll know that time is the enemy of flavor. Especially when it comes to burgers.

Luckily, an opportunity revealed itself. Along Pacific Coast Highway in Long Beach California there is a Five Guys, In-N-Out, and Shake Shack all within a half-mile radius of one another. So while I can’t round up all 15, I can at the very least do our current top three while still being able to enjoy them in optimal conditions.

In our 2021 piece, the double cheeseburgers were ranked as follows:

3. Five Guys
2. Shake Shack
1. In-N-Out

So without further ado, here are our top three favorite double cheeseburgers, blind taste tested and re-ranked.

• The Single Best Cheeseburger From All The Big Fast Food Chains (Hacks Included!)
• We Blind Tested Ketchup Brands On Fries And Hot Dogs And Picked The #1 Best
• We Blind Tested Every Mayo On The Market To Find The #1 Best
• The #1 Most Boneheaded Error Made By 16 Major Fast Food Chains
• The 20 Most Popular Hot Sauces In America, Blind Tasted And Ranked

PART I — Methodology

For this blind taste test to be as fair as possible, I needed each burger to have the same build: double meat, double cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onions. All burger sauces were ordered on the side (I’m aware the proper sauces aren’t in front of their respective burgers in the above photo, which was remedied during the tasting) so that the burgers wouldn’t become soggy in transit. I also needed them to be ordered at the same exact time and arrive to me within minutes of each other, so I asked two friends to meet me in separate cars at a parking structure in Long Beach and tasked each with picking up a burger (I picked up the burger from Shake Shack).

They were confused and had all sorts of questions. But once I offered to buy them each a burger, the questions stopped.

I placed three identical orders at In-N-Out, Shake Shack, and Five Guys at the same exact time and dispatched the team for the pickup. When the burgers arrived I wore a blindfold, knowing I’d be able to recognize which burger was which by sight alone (even without their wrappers), had my friends unwrap the burgers, cut them in half, taste tested all three, took notes, and then photographed the remaining halves once the tasting was done.

Sure, maybe this was a lot of trouble for a fast food blind taste test– but I take my job seriously dammit!

PART II — The Tasting

Taste 1:

Melt in your mouth good! What a way to start a tasting!

Everything about this burger just works. The beef has this wonderful depth of flavor, it’s meaty and savory, with a noticeable crisp and crunch to it and a salty component courtesy of the cheese. The tomatoes offer a burst of flavor that compliments and accentuates the savory qualities of the beef with a nice balance of onion that doesn’t overpower. I can’t really taste the lettuce all too well but it does add to the mouthfeel.

With a dollop of the sauce, I’m getting a nice sense of tangy complexity. The bun is soft, airy, and subtly sweet.

Taste 2:

Really dry compared to Taste 1, the onion massively overpowers the tomato and the lettuce has a watery flavor that I find off-putting. The beef is good but isn’t quite as complex as Tasting 1 with a much drier texture. I’m getting a lot more meat here though, it’s almost laborious to chew through. This one is definitely thicker than Tasting 1, too. Not sure you need a double from this place because the ratio of meat to bread weighs heavily on the meat side.

The bread isn’t anything to write home about, it’s dense, dry, and flavorless. With a dollop of sauce, I’m getting a more savory bite but it tastes like straight mayo.

Taste 3:

A step up from Taste 2… but not by much. The beef patties are considerably thin here but the ratio of meat to cheese offers a nice balance. It feels gooey on the palate with a pronounced salty flavor. The onions are a bit sharp, but the tomato and lettuce are juicy and refreshing. Of all the burgers, the tomato and lettuce are best represented here. The bun is way over-toasted though. It has a hard, toast-like texture to it.

The sauce makes all the difference, it makes the whole thing much more palatable but still not quite as good as Taste 1. Where Taste 1 had a depth and complexity to its meat, this one just tastes like salty beef.

Part 2: The Ranking

3. Five Guys

Five Guys retains its bronze medal! The beef was just too dry here to really wow me and the sesame seed bun was easily the least flavorful of the bunch. The mayo also couldn’t compare to Five Guys and Shake Shack’s house-made burger sauces, but that’s the problem with Five Guys, it’s not fair to consider the chain a regular burger spot. Five Guys is at its best when you add things like grilled jalapenos, bacon, A1 sauce, and any other creative topping you’d like to the mix. With the strict parameters of this particular build, it never had a chance so it doesn’t surprise me it came in third.

If this was a bacon cheeseburger blind taste test, this might’ve clinched the top spot.

The Bottom Line:

Five Guys is delicious, but when it comes to a classic universal burger build, it just can’t compete with In-N-Out and Five Guys.

Find your nearest Five Guys here.

2. In-N-Out

This took me a little bit by surprise. In-N-Out was my top burger on our 2021 ranking and although a lot of people sounded off in the comments that it won because as a Southern Californian, I have some sort of bias towards In-N-Out, I still stood by my choice and still think that, for the price, this is the best fast food double cheeseburger you can buy. But that’s the thing, for the price.

I can’t deny our number one choice, even if it is almost twice as expensive. In-N-Out is great, and while its greatness doesn’t always translate to people who come from other states hearing stories of this burger chain serving the best burgers, only to have their expectations not met, that doesn’t mean In-N-Out doesn’t make a truly delicious burger. There is a reason it has the reputation it has in the first place.

The Bottom Line:

Consider the crown stolen. In-N-Out makes a great burger, but it doesn’t compare to today’s number 1.

Find your nearest In-N-Out here.

1. Shake Shack

Without question, Shake Shack makes the best fast food double cheeseburger, period. Done.

You can actually taste that Maillard crust, it adds a whole new sensation to the mouthfeel of this burger and locks in the juices of the beef so that they explode across your palate once you bite into this baby. Everything single component of this burger is expertly sourced, nothing comes across as superfluous, the tomatoes are vibrant and juicy, the sliced onions add complexity without overpowering, the bun is a work of art, the cheese is perfectly melted, salty, and creamy, each bite is perfection.

Right now Gavin Newsom is trying to revoke my California citizenship but I have to call it like I see, er, taste it, and Shake Shack’s burger is simply the best.

The Bottom Line:

Our new champ, Shake Shack easily makes the best fast food double cheeseburger in the game.

Find your nearest Shake Shack here.

Recess is one of the most coveted times of day for elementary school students. It’s a time when they get to run, climb and talk as loud as they like to get all of their sillies out before heading back into the classroom. But several students at Glen Lake Elementary School in Hopkins, Minnesota, noticed not everyone was getting a chance to play.

The school has multiple students that have physical disabilities that keep them from being able to play on the available playground equipment. Because the equipment isn’t wheelchair accessible, the children who use wheels to get around have to sit on the sidelines and watch their classmates play.

This reality didn’t sit right for the other students at Glen Lake. They asked their teacher, Betsy Julien, how they could make it so the other kids got a chance to play alongside them during recess. When they learned that new, more accessible equipment would cost $300,000, the kids didn’t let it deter them. They committed to raising the funds however they could, and got to work with the help of their teacher.

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The kids started collecting spare change, holding bake sales and even cold calling businesses in an effort to raise the money for the adaptive playground equipment. For months, the students worked to raise the money and they recently reached their goal with the help of the community. Rhys Riley, a student from Julien’s class, told CBS News through tears, “I was just really happy that we made it.”

One of the students who would get to use the new playground equipment told CBS, “First time I set foot on this playground, I’m probably going to start crying from seeing the effort all the school has made.”

Now that the goal has been reached, these kiddos aren’t stopping. They’re focusing on raising enough money to get adaptive playground equipment for other schools in the district so no kid has to sit out during recess. The empathy and determination of these kids is absolutely inspiring.

Watch the interview below, but be prepared—you’re going to need tissues.

Michael B. Jordan is getting another stab at the Tom Clancy universe. After Without Remorse saw its theatrical release get ported over to Amazon during the pandemic, the film didn’t exactly light up the charts with stellar reviews. However, Paramount is willing to give Jordan another chance to reprise his role of CIA operative John Clark in a sequel that’s already packing some serious power behind the camera.

John Wick director Chad Stahelski will helm Rainbow Six, an adaptation of one of Clancy’s more popular titles that became a fan-favorite title in the world of gaming. Via The Hollywood Reporter:

Jordan will once again be playing Navy SEAL-turned-CIA operative John Clark, one of Clancy’s more popular characters, who appeared in the late author’s Jack Ryan spy books. Clark also headlined two novels, Without Remorse and Rainbow Six, with the latter spawning a line of video games.

It should be noted that Rainbow Six was always part of the plan when Jordan was announced in the John Clark role all the way back in 2018. Paramount is apparently committed to seeing that plan through and willing to chalk up Without Remorse‘s lackluster debut as a victim of COVID. Also, bringing in the John Wick guy certainly can’t hurt. Stahelski is an incredible get for a franchise that nobody thought was still happening. Not to mention, Jordan is most likely looking at another major boost to his star power when Creed III hits later this year.

(Via The Hollywood Reporter)

The Cincinnati Bengals were in a whole lot of trouble in their Wild Card game against the Baltimore Ravens. While Baltimore went into the game without Lamar Jackson at quarterback, Tyler Huntley got the Ravens down to the doorstep with a chance to make it 24-17 early in the fourth quarter. Huntley tried to sneak it in, but instead of going low and through Cincinnati’s defense, Baltimore’s QB attempted to jump over the line and had the ball poked out of his hands.

Bengals defensive lineman Sam Hubbard managed to scoop it up, head 98 yards in the opposite direction, and scored what ended up being the game-winning touchdown. It was one of the best moments of the weekend, and it became slightly better when the Bengals’ communications folks posted the following on Twitter:

On Tuesday, the team released the video of Hubbard taking off and making the biggest play of his career. While there was no audio of Hubbard while he was running, the aftermath of the play was pretty spectacular.

Hubbard saying he was terrified of getting caught is, of course, very funny, but in the moment, Ravens tight end Mark Andrews really was booking it in an effort to chase him down. He was ultimately unsuccessful, and as a result, the Bengals have a showdown with the Buffalo Bills this weekend with a spot in the AFC Championship Game on the line.

Today, Madonna announced The Celebration Tour, a trek that will see Madonna playing hits from across her four-decade career. Madonna, ever the shock-friendly performer, unveiled the news with a wild new video featuring Jack Black, Lil Wayne, Diplo, Judd Apatow, Eric Andre, Amy Schumer, Bob The Drag Queen, Kate Berlant, Larry Owens, and Meg Stalter.

The five-minute clip features a truth-or-dare game between the celebrities as they sit around a table. Madonna kicks things off by daring Schumer to simulate how she would lick her husband’s butt, which she does by not doing it. Andre then dared Diplo to dip his balls in his margarita and drink it, and he obliged. Diplo then turned the tables back on Madonna, who he instructed to “tongue-kiss” Black, and indeed, she did just that.

There are some more shenanigans from there — including Madonna, Wayne, and Black posing for a racy photo — but the whole thing ends with one final dare, from Schumer to Madonna: to go on a world tour. Of course, given the purpose of the video, Madonna accepted.

In a statement, Madonna said of the upcoming trek, “I am excited to explore as many songs as possible in hopes to give my fans the show they have been waiting for.”

Check out the video above and find the tour dates here.

Madonna is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Sometimes a news story comes along that is so layered and multifaceted that it requires an expert to sort through it all and explain it to the people. The 2008 financial crisis was like this, with all of its various stock and investment terminologies that only made sense to people familiar with the world of finance. Same with the various political and election-based controversies of the past few years, where it helps to have an actual Constitutional scholar on hand to separate fact from fiction. This next thing is… okay, actually it’s not like those other things. It’s pretty straightforward if I’m being honest about it. But it does allow me to say and type things like “Michael Bay may or may not be at the center of an international incident involving a dead Italian pigeon,” so I am going to explain it all anyway. This one is really more for me than it is for any of you.

Anyway, here are some of the things we have already in this story, all of which I will be covering below. I think you can see why I am so excited.

• A dead pigeon on the set of the Netflix movie 6 Underground
• Famed action film director Michael Bay
• The Italian courts and possibly the European Union getting involved
• Claims of defamation and slander
• An Italian lawyer named Fabrizio Sigma

It’s beautiful. I could not possibly ask for more. But I will get more. You really need to stick around to the end of this. There’s a pretty incredible twist coming. But let’s start at the top…

What is happening here?

Okay, last week The Wrap published an article titled “Michael Bay Fights Charges in Italy Over Killing a Pigeon, Denies Allegations,” which I clicked on so fast I almost knocked over a glass of iced tea. The short version goes like this: Back in 2018, on the set of 6 Underground, a pigeon may or may not have perished as a result of various crew members moving heavy machinery around. The longer version goes like this:

According to an insider with knowledge of the production, a homing pigeon was allegedly killed by a dolly in the middle of a take in Rome. An unnamed individual who happened to be on set apparently witnessed the incident, took a picture and reported it to Italian authorities, the insider added. A second individual with knowledge of the shoot said the scene involved a large group of pigeons and a wind machine.

As the person in charge of the shoot, Bay was charged with failing to supervise the crew members responsible for handling the animals, according to his Italian lawyer, Fabrizio Sigma.

Lots to digest here, starting with the thing where some unnamed person allegedly stumbled across a Michael Bay film set, saw a dead bird, snapped a picture, and then called the police. That is already fascinating to me. I need to know more about this person at once. I need them interviewed on-camera for the 8-part McMillions style docuseries I need someone to make about this. Call Agent Doug. Get him on the case.

Also of note: Michael Bay has an Italian lawyer named Fabrizio Sigma. This is… wonderful. I refuse to Google this man. The image in my head is too perfect to ruin. I picture him in a stunning white suit with a fancy hat. Do not take this from me.

Okay, but how serious can all of this be if it’s just over one pigeon?

Oh ho ho, my friend. Pretty serious! Apparently!

Pigeons are a protected species in Italy. Italy has a national law that makes it illegal to harm, kill or capture any wild bird, including pigeons. Pigeons are also protected in the E.U. under the Birds Directive.

This is why you call in Fabrizio Sigma.

Would you watch a Michael Bay movie titled The Birds Directive?

Buddy, you know I would.

What is Michael Bay saying about all of this?

A lot! Starting with this quote in which he denies killing the pigeon and reveals — in an extremely on-brand and aggressive addition — that Michael Bay is the kind of guy who would rather risk an international incident and public relations crisis than pay a small fine to make something go away.

“I was offered by the Italian authorities a chance to settle this matter by paying a small fine, but I declined to do so because I would not plead guilty to having harmed an animal,” Bay added.

Two things are worth noting here:

• Michael Bay is a man of principle
• In a 2011 GQ oral history about working with and/or being Michael Bay, Michael Bay gave the following quote about his directorial prices: “I don’t change my style for anybody. Pussies do that.”

That second thing isn’t, like, super relevant here but I just really wanted to remind you about it.

Be honest, you are loving this a little bit right now?

I mean…

Yes.

So… that’s about the end of the story then?

Nope!

Turns out Michael Bay is not only a “loudly fight charges instead of making them go away with a small fine” guy, he’s also a “send off a legal letter demanding a correction or retraction of the pigeon murder story.” Variety obtained a letter his team sent to The Wrap after that story was published and… yeah. Michael Bay is not happy about any of this. He’s very unhappy.

Now, in a legal letter, Bay’s attorney writes that the filmmaker was “never accused, much less ‘charged,’ with ‘killing’ an animal.” Rosengart writes that ahead of publishing the story, TheWrap was made aware of “video evidence rebutting these allegations and demonstrating that at no time was any animal harmed, let alone ‘killed.’”

This is one of those situations where two things appear to be true at once. The first thing is that I have no clue if a pigeon died on the Italian set of the Netflix movie 6 Underground. I was not there and have not seen the evidence in either direction and do not especially want Michael Bay’s legal team to send me a letter about any of it. Let me be very clear about all of that.

The second thing is that I kind of want Ryan Murphy to sink his teeth into an entire season of American Crime Story about this, complete with Bobby Cannavale as Fabrizio Sigma and Nicolas Cage as Michael Bay, like… oh let’s say Justin Long or maybe Aubrey Plaza as a journalist who is sinking his or her teeth into the story.

I am available to play myself in this.

Your story is particularly harmful and malicious because, contrary to its implications, Michael Bay is an animal rights activist; he passionately loves animals, as his track record shows. As a result of your story, however, his name is now associated with “killing” or “murdering” an animal, connoting intent. He is therefore being unfairly maligned and attacked. Indeed, there are now numerous articles and countless social media images associating Mr. Bay with “killing” or “murder,” which have gone around the world.

Uh…

[looks at the headline of this very article]

… whoops?

Sorry!

Is there any way we can work elephants into this somehow?

Surprisingly, yes! Also from the statement Variety got their hands on:

Your story is therefore extremely damaging to Mr. Bay personally and professionally (he has publicly discussed his love of animals and his desire to make a film about saving African elephants, another fact of which you had prior notice but ignored) and has tarnished his reputation as someone who fiercely supports animals, financially and otherwise, causing him extreme anguish.

Okay, I know that this movie they are talking about is probably a documentary or some sort of serious grown-up drama about the plight of the mighty elephant, which is fine, but…

What if it’s a regular Michael Bay action movie?

Like Bad Boys or Ambulance…

With explosions and gun fights and car chases and every cliche you’ve ever seen in your standard Michael Bay action movie…

But it’s about saving elephants.

Maybe one of the elephants has a rocket launcher in its trunk.

What if that’s the movie he’s discussing here?

Because we can’t rule that out either.

Think about this one a little or a lot over the next few days or months or for the rest of your life.

Is there some small chance that the pigeon in question faked its own death in an attempt to frame Michael Bay or maybe to escape suspicion on its own ongoing criminal case involving millions of dollars of stolen art and is now living under an assumed name on some tropical island?

I am pleased to report that there is, based on this single sentence from the original report.

But it’s not entirely clear whether a pigeon perished, or not.

What an incredible twist.

Wouldn’t this be a great plot for that movie titled The Birds Directive that we were joking about earlier?

Hmm.

Yes.

Let’s start production immediately. Or at least after the docuseries and Ryan Murphy show and elephant movie.

But hurry.

Please.

For me.