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Chicago-based singer Johari Noelle dropped her new song “Your Way” today. Teaming up with producer ReezyTunez (D Smoke, Tamar Braxton), Noelle shines over the electronic R&B instrumental, as she lyrically details playing a guy right back. “I could’ve broke your heart, that’s just a fact,” she sings on the chorus, before giving a warning. “Don’t get in your feels when it’s your way.”

Noelle said in a statement, “When writing ‘Your Way’, it was to encourage the good girls or good guys to tap into their inner villain. Do not be afraid to be the bad guy. Do not be afraid to get back at the person that hurt you, revenge can be healing too. Let us shift the narrative a little.”

Noelle’s new single serves as the follow-up release to her 2021 EP Forever Grey. She has also teased it as the start of her next project Past Tense, which will include more collaborations with Jared “ReezyTunez” Thorne and writer Rachel Chelvin.

Next month, Noelle will also take the stage at Chicago’s The Promontory to perform “Your Way” live for the first time, as well as her other prior popular releases. The show will mark her first concert back since the pandemic, making it all the more special for fans. Sponsored by Shure Audio and DMG Presents, the event includes other supporting performances from Emery Kelly, Lei Dominque, Matt Muse, and Pierce Lanvin.

Listen to “Your Way” above.

Thanks to Top Gun: Maverick smashing box office records all summer long, we already know that audiences will flock to see Tom Cruise. Well, apparently, so will sheep. The set of the next installment in the Mission: Impossible franchise was reportedly interrupted by the woolly critters, which didn’t seem to bother Cruise who was in the middle of, you guessed it, jumping out of a plane like it’s no big thing. It’s his favorite.

Via Fox News:

The actor, 60, was seen admiring the large flock as he stood to the side to make way for the sheep passing through. Cruise was also captured mid-air attached to a blue parachute while filming a scene in the upcoming movie.

Cruise, who plays Ethan Hunt in the film series, sported a black jumpsuit as he descended back down to the ground.

Since the start of the pandemic, Cruise has been filming in Europe for the back-to-back production of what could be his final two Mission: Impossible films. With COVID restrictions significantly loosened, Cruise has been having more and more interactions with the locals, animals and humans alike.

While shooting a mountain scene in England near the beginning of August, Cruise reportedly stumbled across a pair of hikers. The actor was “cool as a cucumber” as he apologized to the couple for all of the noise from the helicopters, complimented their dog, and then jumped off a freaking cliff with a paraglider as Tom Cruise does.

(Via Fox News)

(Plenty of SPOILERS from Cobra Kai will be found ahead.)

The last time we talked to Jacob Bertrand, his Cobra Kai character (Eli “Hawk” Moskowitz) was riding high off a win at the All Valley High Tournament. This iconic showdown, made famous decades ago by Daniel LaRusso’s crane kick in the first The Karate Kid movie, actually ended up going (as a whole) to the Cobra Kai dojo because ultimate karate villain Terry Silver cheated his ass off. And although Hawk had switched over to Daniel LaRusso and Johnny Lawrence’s Miyagi-do/Eagle Fang dojos, Evil ended up prevailing over Good. And that’s where Season 5 (which still has the “Eye Of The Tiger”) begins, and where Hawk finds himself out of practice because Miyagi-do shut down, which (of course) does not last forever.

Hawk has had quite a journey over the seasons. Given that he was born with a cleft lip, his scar led to a childhood of being bullied, which led him to become an even more menacing bully and even villainous at times. Yet Hawk managed to redeem himself (while also tragically losing his mohawk to Cobra Kai), and he’s now fighting to make things right between the dojos. It’s odd! Remember when he trashed Miyagi-do? The horror. And Jacob Bertrand (who cut his acting teeth in Community and Parks and Rec) gets to do all of these things in one of the show’s more textured roles. Jacob was gracious enough to speak with us about his character’s evolution, what he would snag from Terry Silver’s house, and what he wants to happen in a (hopeful) Season 6.

There are so many younger characters on this show, but Hawk is one of the most developed of the bunch.

I would say that my character out of a lot of them — especially after being a guest star and then being brought on as a series regular — definitely got at least an arc every single season, and that’s something that’s kind-of crazy to me. After we wrapped Season 3, I thought I’d probably be coasting through the tournament. I’m always surprised with what they come up with, and I’m definitely grateful.

So let’s start with Hawk’s evolution. What’s it like toning him down, where he’s almost a pussycat?

It is very different, and I feel almost like I went from driving a sports car, and now it’s like, I’m in a Prius. It’s a really nice Prius, but it goes kinda slow, but it’s been fun. It’s cool because I got to film with a lot of different people than I used to. That’s probably the highlight, you know, getting to film with Ralph and being on the Miyagi-do set. Obviously, being the new guy there does have the highest of highs. I got to win that tournament, so being the new guy definitely has its perks.

Looking at social media, I think the overriding sentiment was that Hawk got done dirty this season, at least in his fight with Kenny and that horrible punch.

Oooooh, so the writers will usually set us down at the beginning at every season. We all have a 1-on-1 meeting with them, and they will tell us the arc of our season, what they’re planning on doing with our character and just kind-of get our thoughts about it. And they were like, “Yeah, you know, Hawk is coming off his big win, and he’s feeling very confident. There’s a lot of people looking up to him, and he really feels that pressure as a role model. And towards the end of the season, there’s a lot of fighting, and he loses to Kenny in this sort-of mock tournament.” And I was like, “Okay. Was Hawk poisoned or something? How does this happen? Is his arm chopped off, and in what world?”

Yeah, I’ll bet that it didn’t totally track to you.

They were making Kenny out to be this karate prodigy, “and Miyagi-do’s been shut down, and you haven’t been training, and he has this secret move,” and I was like, “Okay? I don’t know if I see it, but ya know, we’ll see how we get there.” I’m super competitive with Hawk, and I think he’s the best. And I think he’s the best out of all of them!

You’re not alone in that belief, for sure.

Yeah! He just won the tournament, but I think from a story point of view, I think that moment makes a lot of sense. And it also sets up how Robby also gets hit with that during the last episode. And I think that seeing my reaction and how I kind-of crumble, when you see Robby get hit with that, and all the Cobra Kai guys were like, “Oh sh*t!” That raises the stakes, but I’m excited to see what happens with Season 6 and what happens with the Kenny character. He’s almost realized that, “Oh, you know, I was in the wrong the whole time. Everyone was trying to pull me out of this.” There were scenes of people telling him that Cobra Kai is dangerous. Tanner is trying to pull him out of Cobra Kai, and it shows you how that unfolds with Kenny.

And about that move that Kenny put on everybody…

Oh yeah, the Silver Bullet.

Did they tell you ahead of time that’s what it was? Or was it a mystery — did you wonder if it was the crane kick or something of that nature?

No, they told me right away what it was and that Silver was teaching him a secret technique called the Silver Bullet. This punch that takes your breath away. And I was like, “Huh, that’s crazy, I can hold my breath for a very long time.”

Does that move really exist?

Noooo, no. It’s totally like a Cobra Kai-type thing.

Yes, like the crane kick. I talked to Thomas Ian Griffith about how that move is so telegraphed, it’s crazy that it works every time Daniel uses it.

Seriously! I think it’s just like you’re in that world. These types of things happen in the world that these writers have built, so yeah. I think you do suspend your belief and you really commit to what’s going on, and I wouldn’t say that it’s difficult. I definitely hate losing, so I think that’s the more difficult part.

You mentioned the words “Season 6” a minute ago. We haven’t heard about it officially, but I can’t see how they won’t have a Season 6.

Oh my god. I want there to be a Season 6 so bad. This is my dream, that I somehow am linked up with Kreese, fresh out of prison. We start some illegal ring of some sort, and I go back to the bad side. I’m kidding, but I think it would be so cool if we got a Season 6, and we actually got to go to some crazy world tournament. And actually go to Brazil or something and not like it have it be, “Oh we’re in Brazil! But it’s really just a basement studio in Atlanta.”

They could give Hawk a spinoff where he opens his own dojo. Dimitri could be the business guy.

Yeah! Hawk could punch all the kids in the face, and Dimitri could run the money.

Speaking of these two, I was looking at Reddit, which has the most insane fan theories. I think my most-and-least favorite is that Dimitri is actually Hawk’s father.

[Laughs] Yeah, I guess that would be news to me!

And people want Terry Silver to be several people’s father.

I mean, that would be a perfect and awesome twist, though. My dad, or secretly Xolo’s dad. He’s looking for Terry Silver in Mexico the whole time!

Let’s go back to Hawk as a bad guy. I mean, when he purposefully broke Dimitri’s arm…

…Oh man, that was the best!

But were you shocked? That’s so extreme.

I was more shocked when I heard that I had trashed Miyagi-do and then I go to the good side. I was like, “Oh my god, they’re all gonna hate me!” How was I gonna make this work? They said that was the point. When I was breaking the arm, I was knee-deep in being a bad guy, so I thought, “Of course, this is naturally the progression of these things.” It was more like, “We’re going deeper.”

You’ve been in show biz for much of your life, but the paparazzi are starting to trail you. How do you cope? And how have none of the people on this show gone off the rails yet?

Hey, no one has gone off the rails just yet. There’s always time, c’mon. Just give us that. But the paparazzi’s weird. It’s only happened a couple of times, and the first time it happened to me, I was like so shocked and nervous that I kind of just spilled too much. And I feel like that’s what happens with most people’s first time. It’s a weird thing because I don’t wanna be like mean or rude, and at the same time, I genuinely value my privacy. For me, it’s super rare or random, and I have no idea how these people deal with it all the time and don’t get angry or caught on camera yelling at people constantly. If it started happening more, I think I would start leaving my house less. Or this is more likely to happen. I would be like master of disguise. I’d walk around like a turtle or something.

I think people are also more aware of paparazzi as a thing these days. It’s not like when Britney Spears was being followed, and it was chaotic and no one really intervened. Now the paparazzi know they’re being watched as well.

Yeah, I definitely think it’s easier now. You know, when Britney Spears was really big — now there’s a lot of other famous people — but then it was like, oh, it’s Britney. And now there are so many shows and so many people to follow. So they could take a picture of me, but I bet you 50 bucks that, literally on the next block, there’s probably someone way more famous walking around. That’s what I’ll bet on.

Alright, we’re outta time, but if you could, both as Eli and Jacob, take one thing from Terry Silver’s house, what would it be?

Ohhhhhhh.

I’d nab a smoothie machine for sure.

[Laughs] I would probably take, realistically, one of his amazing, super-rare swords. And then on the way, snatch the keys to his Ferrari. I’m sure that he’s got so many cars, so he probably won’t notice that any of them are gone.

He’s a little busy right now, so he won’t notice anything.

Yeah! Stuck in prison.

Thank you for your time, but we didn’t get to talk about your charity work with Smile Train.

Oh they’re the best, and I appreciate you talking about them last time.

Season 5 of ‘Cobra Kai’ is currently streaming on Netflix.

Top Dawg Entertainment is a label chock-full of elusive figures, but Ab-Soul is probably the most elusive of all. Despite coming to prominence alongside Kendrick Lamar, Jay Rock, and Schoolboy Q as the quartet Black Hippy and drawing every bit as much interest as his peers, he’s had the spottiest output among them, going nearly six years without a release after dropping his fourth album, Do What Thou Wilt., in December 2016.

Today, though, Soul-o returns with his second new solo song of 2022, “Moonshooter.” Following up April’s “Hollandaise,” “Moonshooter” is accompanied by the announcement that Ab-Soul’s next album has been completed. “Album done,” read the caption on Top Dawg’s Instagram post. “Warmup tonight.” On the song, Soul maintains his well-established form, spitting out intricate, sinuous rhymes over a mournful string sample. “I question everything,” he sings on the chorus. It’s familiar territory for fans of the philosophy-spewing Soul, which likely bodes well for the next project.

Before this year, the last we heard from Ab-Soul on the solo tip was 2020’s “Dangerookipawa Freestyle.” In the meantime, he contributed guest verses to songs like Russ’ “Rap City” and made an animated cameo in SiR’s “John Redcorn” video. Now that Kendrick Lamar’s final TDE album is out of the way, though, it looks like Ab-Soul is up next in the lineup, one of the last OGs on TDE as the label shifts its focus to the next generation.

Mumford & Sons leader Marcus Mumford’s debut solo album Self-Titled is out today, and it includes a new collaboration with Phoebe Bridgers called “Stonecatcher” as well as a song with Clairo called “Dangerous Game.”

The “Bags” singer’s vocals are subtle but add a layer of beauty and lightness to the twangy track. Their voices together clash to make a mesmerizing harmony; it’s obviously a perfect match.

Before announcing his album in July, Marcus clarified in his role in Mumford & Sons in his newsletter, writing, “In January last year I set myself the task of trying to write some songs and just follow where they led. When I showed the first two to the lads in the band, we all agreed it was probably a story I had to tell on my own.” When he announced the LP, he wrote, “In January 2021, facing demons I danced with for a long time in isolation, I wrote a song called ‘Cannibal.’ I took it to my friend Blake Mills, and we began the process of making this album, dear to my heart, called (self-titled).’ It comes out September 16th 2022, produced by Blake Mills and featuring Brandi Carlile, Phoebe Bridgers, Clairo & Monica Martin.”

Listen to “Dangerous Game” above.

Self-Titled is out now via Capitol. Get it here.

The Showtime Lakers are back. While the current version of the Los Angeles Lakers are trying to figure out how they are going to bounce back from a disappointing 2020-21 campaign that saw them miss the play-in tournament altogether, a number of the players and the most prominent head coach from one of the greatest eras in franchise history got together for a reunion in Hawaii.

The news of the reunion was previously mentioned on an episode of ESPN’s “The Lowe Post” by Zach Lowe and Ramona Shelburne. And on Friday, members of the team started to post on social media about the reunion, with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sharing an image of everyone involved and noting that this was the first time he practiced since he retired from basketball in 1989.

Magic Johnson likewise posted about it, saying that the team went through a “walk around” on Thursday and included a few videos of the team practicing running plays — the first and last videos show that Bob McAdoo and Byron Scott, respectively, can still knock down jumpers.

Mychal Thompson shared a few pictures of himself with Kareem and made it a point to praise Magic and Pat Riley for their ability to lead.

Spectrum SportsNet has some additional footage of the gathering, which was more than just a bunch of dudes playing basketball.

This era of Lakers basketball saw the team win five championships, with three players — Abdul-Jabbar, Johnson, and Michael Cooper — helping to lead to team to each one. While other coaches were around during this era, which ran from 1979-1991, Riley led them to four of those rings, while Paul Westhead was at the helm for the first one.

Bad Bunny, who is currently continuing his World Hottest Tour in support of his album Un Verano Sin Ti, met 10-year-old Uvalde survivor Mayah Zamora during his Dallas show on September 9. The news of Bad Bunny giving Zamora VIP access was shared by the Correa Family Foundation, a nonprofit led by baseball player Carlos Correa. While the foundation typically provides “transformative experiences and financial support to children battling cancer and their families,” it also helps children affected by extreme circumstances.

“A huge thank you to @badbunnypr for welcoming our Hero of the Month, Mayah Zamora, to your concert, and for making sure she had a beautiful and fun night dancing with her family! All the love she received from you and your team @noahassad @rimas made this an incredible experience she and her family will cherish,” the post said.

Zamora had been chosen as the Correa Family Foundation’s Hero of the Month initiative for August for her “bravery.” The program chooses children each month who “exemplify bravery, hope and outstanding courage as they work to overcome some of life’s most difficult challenges.” In a Facebook first pitch at a Houston Astros game in August. Correa’s foundation also raised enough money to build Zamora and her family a new home, with Bad Bunny being among the donors.

Kendrick Lamar’s Big Steppers Tour is just as electrifying, frustrating, and mystifying as the album it promotes. In May, when Kendrick released Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers, it received a polarizing response from fans who weren’t quite sure how to parse the dense themes or the Compton rapper’s handling of those themes. While some observers like Pusha T and Tyler The Creator praised the album’s lyrical dexterity and honesty (especially on songs like “Auntie Diaries“), others were put off by the discomfort of hearing Kendrick get cussed out by his lady on “We Cry Together” and his questionable stance on COVID conspiracies on the probably overly metaphorical “N95.”

None of that stopped Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers from going straight to No. 1 on the Billboard 200 in its first week with the biggest streaming and sales week of 2022 to that point. Say what you want about how tangled and obscure K. Dot made his Top Dawg swan song, but he is still one of hip-hop’s brightest-shining stars. And really, on Thursday night at Staples Center — sorry, Crypto.com Arena (ugh) — he shined as brightly as he ever did, even as the album’s strained symbolism threatened to throw a lampshade on the whole affair.

The thing about symbolism and metaphors is that they are only really as effective as the audience’s ability to readily interpret them. Jesus spoke in parables, Aesop taught in fables, and American Southerners have dozens of witty aphorisms for just about every situation imaginable. But something I’ve noticed over the last few years — and you may have, as well — is that a lot of the truths those lessons were designed to teach have been lost on a lot of us. It may be easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven, but that hasn’t stopped supposedly devout evangelicals from hoarding wealth. The Old Woman and the Doctor might well condemn the greed inherent to the medical profession but it’s still a billion-dollar business.

So it goes with Mr. Morale. Kendrick was disinterested in providing a codex for translating the hyper-confessional project, which may have contributed to its divided reception. Likewise, the show also eschews easy interpretation, incorporating shadow play, fraternity marches (big steppers, get it?), and oblique references to the ongoing pandemic that hewed dangerously close to Hotep bullshit. On one hand, the staging is remarkably stark; Kendrick spends much of his time alone on the stage, with little going on around him to distract from his always dazzling performance. On the other hand, when Kenny’s dancers re-emerge a half dozen times to line step around him in various outfits, it feels both cluttered and hashed together, like it’s supposed to mean something, but nobody ever took the time to figure out what.

Maybe I have been to too many arena shows at this point, but in terms of theme and aesthetic presentation, this might have been the least impressive one I’ve seen in a while. What was on display was Kendrick’s star power, the fact that he could basically just stand there on stage and do nothing and elicit an explosive reaction from the audience — which is why I wish he’d left goofy gimmicks like a barely utilized ventriloquist’s dummy and the plastic quarantine cube in his imagination. Even his wardrobe — a white nudie suit with “Compton” airbrushed on the back worn with a sparkling bedazzled glove on just one hand like a certain King Of Pop with an eroded legacy — gave “half-baked allusion to other, more thoughtfully-produced ideas.” I mean, was the MJ reference an effective homage in the context of the thesis or just derivative? I still can’t decide.

Meanwhile, that suit called to mind another recent piece of pop culture that turned out to be polarizing but that I loved. In Jordan Peele’s recently released summer blockbuster Nope, Steven Yeun’s Ricky “Jupe” Park sports a similarly elaborate getup in his UFO-themed rodeo show as he seeks to create a spectacle that can both return him to the spotlight and ease his trauma from his last run-in with notoriety. However, Jupe has learned all the wrong lessons and pays the price for his hubris; Nope, as has been repeatedly stated throughout the film’s press run, is about the dangers of spectacle for spectacle’s sake.

That isn’t to say that Kendrick is in any danger of flying too close to the sun himself — yet. But it is starting to feel like he’s entering the messy, late-stage Kanye West phase of his career, where the appearance of meaning in his art is starting to become paramount to actually conveying a message that audiences can pick up loud and clear. Over the past few weeks, Kanye has given us plenty of cause to consider cults of celebrity being built on spectacle, and how easy it is for artists to lose touch and start buying their own bullshit. In an arena with thousands of people screaming for your every move and hanging on your every word, it’s easy to believe the hype — why else would someone loosely compare themselves to one of the biggest global pop stars to ever exist when they aren’t anywhere near the same level of celebrity?

I questioned all of this when I guested on Spotify’s RapCaviar Podcast a few weeks ago — ironically, through another metaphorical tale, The Emperor’s New Clothes. But maybe that’s the point of all the silliness, too. Maybe it’s a way for Kendrick to ground himself, to poke fun at the pretentiousness of it all — one of the running themes of the album that gets highlighted on “Savior.” Either way, as a fellow Comptoner, I have always rooted for Kendrick Lamar. May he always remain that kid from Compton and never lose sight of that humility, however bright the spotlight gets.

Charlie Puth knows how to keep the attention on him, whether that’s through pranks on Jimmy Kimmel Live or viral thirst traps that reveal almost everything. This is helpful considering he’s in the midst of promoting his forthcoming LP Charlie, which arrives next month. All this is to say that he just announced the One Night Only tour, and tickets will likely sell out quickly.

The pop star will kick off the run at the end of October in Red Bank, New Jersey at Count Basie Center for the Arts. It’ll go through some of November, finishing up in Los Angeles at The Theatre at Ace Hotel. It’s only a quick eight shows, but they’ll definitely be a special way to celebrate his album. Check out the dates below and find ticket information here.

10/23 – Red Bank, NJ @ Count Basie Center for the Arts
10/25 – New York, NY @ Beacon Theatre
10/27 – Toronto, ON @ Massey Hall
10/29 – Washington, DC @ Warner Theatre
10/31 – Boston, MA @ Orpheum Theatre
11/03 – Chicago, IL @ Auditorium Theatre
11/07 – San Francisco, CA @ Davies Symphony Hall
11/09 – Los Angeles, CA @ The Theatre at Ace Hotel

Charlie is out 10/7 via Atlantic. Pre-save it here.

Charlie Puth is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE – The good show is coming back

What we have here is a classic Good News, Bad News situation. As always, we start with the Good News, because you should always lead with the positive when you can, especially on a Friday.

ABC’s Abbott Elementary is coming back for a second season next week. On Wednesday, September 21, to be specific. That’s great, mainly because Abbott Elementary is great, a fun and sweet and nice show in a world of difficult protagonists and dark comedies. There’s a place for those, of course, and a show like Barry that balances that heavy stuff with the silliest jokes you’ve ever seen is a borderline magic trick. But it’s nice to have a nice show, too. The Parks and Recreation vibes are off the charts here. This is, to be clear, one of the highest compliments I know how to give.

Quick background if you have yet to dive into the show, which you should remedy ASAP through a quick binge this weekend, which you can pull off because the 13 22-minute episodes in season one total just under five hours of total watch time: Creator Quinta Brunson plays Janine, a young teacher at the titular Abbott Elementary in Philadelphia. The show follows her and the other teachers and staff at the school through a mockumentary format as they try to make things work for the students despite layers of budget restrictions and incompetence above them. It’s delightful.

It’s also kind of a unicorn out there right now, a network sitcom that has full-on landed itself in the zeitgeist in 2022. Do you realize how wild that is? Hundreds of streaming services and cable networks pounding content into our eyeballs at 800mph every day and one of the buzziest shows out there airs once a week on a channel that has existed since the 1940s. That’s… crazy. This is the same distribution model they used for, like, Frasier. And Happy Days. Which gave Henry Winkler his start in television as The Fonz like 50 years ago. The same Henry Winkler who now stars in Barry. Think about that a little bit this weekend.

The show does what all good workplace sitcoms do. It creates and solves conflicts in a single half-hour block, it develops a found family among the characters, and it just generally makes you feel kind of good. I like that. I also like that it is set in Philadelphia because I have lived in Eastern Pennsylvania for my entire life and inside the Philadelphia city limits for about 10 years off and on and I turn into the literal version of the DiCaprio Pointing Meme about once an episode when they reference a local landmark or restaurant or sports franchise. Go Birds.

The show is littered with heavy hitters in its cast, too. Brunson is great, and also serves as one of the show’s main writers, which is almost unfair from a “too much talent in one person” standpoint, but fine. Tyler James Williams plays her Will They, Won’t They love interest and nails the “I don’t really want to be here forever” energy of a career striver. Janelle James plays the confident and massively underqualified principal, Lisa Ann Walter plays a South Philly Italian lady who always knows a guy who can get you a thing, Chris Perfetti plays the dorky teacher who tries way too hard, and Sheryl Lee Ralph plays the teacher who has been there forever and is kind of everyone’s mother. We’ll talk about her more in the next section. It’s a perfectly populated universe.

None of those people are my favorite, though. My favorite is the eccentric janitor, Mr. Johnson. He’s a cranky old man who has lots of opinions about lots of things and pops up every now and then to do, well, this.

I’ll say it again, just for the people in the back: Give this show a shot. It’s a blast. See what everyone is talking about. There’s a chance you’ll try it and decide it’s not your thing, which is fine, but if you can honestly watch a warm little comedy about teachers in Philadelphia trying to make it work for their kids while stumbling into various goofs and/or workplace romances, buddy… I don’t know. Maybe go do a little work on yourself and circle back. It’ll still be there waiting for you when you’re ready.

All of this brings me to the bad news that I mentioned up front, which is, uh… that I structured this entire write-up very poorly because there is no bad news. I have things to work on, too.

ITEM NUMBER TWO – Speaking of Abbott Elementary

The Emmys were this week. On a Monday. Which was weird. Awards shows should be on Sunday nights, in my opinion, which I say as a person who spent most of this week trying to figure out what day it was. It’s madness. I’m filing this with my editor now based on the assumption that today is Friday, but I have no way of knowing for sure.

But anyway, the Emmys. Sheryl Lee Ralph won for her performance on Abbott Elementary — good show, see above — and then marched up onto the stage and gave this speech. Holy Toledo. I think, truthfully, that if Sheryl Lee Ralph asked me to crash headfirst through a brick wall, I would at least consider it. I might ask for a helmet first. I would do it without one if she insisted. What an absolute force of a human being.

But then there’s the other thing. There was controversy at the Emmys. Jimmy Kimmel did this bit where he pretended to be dead on stage while presenting an award and continued pretending to be dead during the acceptance speech by the winner, Quinta Brunson from… Abbott Elementary. (I swear it’s a good show.) People were mad. People including Sheryl Lee Ralph. Via Deadline:

At ABC’s TCA day Wednesday, the actors were asked about how it played in the room when Brunson, the EP and star of the ABC comedy, accepted her first Emmy with Kimmel lying motionless below her. Co-star Lisa Ann Walter thought it “played funny,” but Ralph, who won an Emmy of her own Monday, was having none of it.

“I was absolutely confused,” she told reporters. “I didn’t know what was going on. I wish that man would just get up off the ground. Then I realized it was Jimmy Kimmel. Ooh, the disrespect, Jimmy! But that’s just me. I told him, too, to his face. He understood.”

“I told him, too, to his face. He understood.” Uhhhh yeah. I bet he did. If Sheryl Lee Ralph looked me in the eye and told me she was disappointed in my tomfoolery, I suspect I would die immediately. I would turn into a pile of dust and blow off into the first reasonably stiff breeze. Little particles of me would be floating through the atmosphere for centuries. You would breathe them in and be like “Hmm, this air tastes pathetic” and you would be correct. So let’s go ahead and try to avoid that whole situation. Sheryl Lee Ralph, if you are reading this, I am sorry. Just in general. A blanket apology for everything I have done or might do.

Please do not yell at me.

ITEM NUMBER THREE – I need everyone keep asking Brian Cox for his opinion on things

The thing I like about Brian Cox is that he will be doing an interview and answering the questions as they are asked and then out of nowhere, kablow, he’ll just take a shot at something that’s barely related. It’s delightful. It’s probably less delightful if it’s about you or your thing, but it isn’t this time, probably, unless you work on the show Billions or are Ian McKellan, so let’s all go ahead and enjoy it.

Look at the collection of quotes he gave just this week. Look at how absolutely unnecessary they are. It’s great. The man loves acting and talking shit and not particularly in that order. Here’s Exhibit A:

“I don’t know . No one’s had their contracts renewed,” Cox told British publication The Times. “Who knows how long it will go on? We don’t want it to overstay its welcome, like ‘Billions’; that’s past its sell-by date. That will not happen with our show.”

And here’s Exhibit B:

If the Billions cast and crew can find comfort in one thing, it’s that they weren’t the only ones caught in Cox’s crosshairs. The Putting The Rabbit In The Hat author clarified multiple comments he made about fellow stars in his book, including Johnny Depp, Steven Seagal, and Ian McKellen.

Cox shared that McKellen was “a sweetheart, nicer as he’s gotten older” but that “he’s just not my favorite actor.” He added, “I’m going up to Edinburgh and he’s got his Hamlet on. I’ve heard it’s awful.”

Perfect. All of it. I want to interview Brian Cox and spend all of my allotted time just asking for his opinion on various things. Zero questions about his life or career. I want to ask him what he thinks about, like, Outback Steakhouse or the musical stylings of Harry Styles. Dozens of questions like that, one after the other. Lightning round. I feel like I could get him to call something “rubbish.” That would be great. Until he gets sick of my hooey and starts taking shots at me. Although, now that I think about it, that would be kind of great, too.

There are no losers here. Except for Billions and Ian McKellan. Didn’t work out too well for them. But still.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR – Let’s check in with Engla-… aaaaaaand there’s a Paddington crisis

The Queen of England died. You knew that. It was all over the news and social media. It was a pretty big deal. Such a big deal, in fact, that the citizens of England have been flooding various Royal areas to leave her tributes, which is a nice gesture, except for the thing where some of those tributes have involved hundreds of stuffed little Paddington Bears and actual marmalade sandwiches. That’s not working out so well. I imagine a marmalade sandwich that is sitting on a sidewalk in September does not have a long shelf life.

I should make a couple of things very clear here:

• There’s a reason people are doing this, which is that a video of Paddington meeting the Queen went viral again after her death and everyone got pretty excited about it
• When I die, you have my permission to just litter my gravesite with stuffed Paddington dolls and any kind of sandwich you want, pile them up to the sky for all I care

It all gets better, too, because an official person in the parks department in England had to put out an official statement to ask people to stop doing this, and whoever wrote it went to great lengths to avoid saying “stop leaving the damn bears everywhere.”

In the interests of sustainability, we ask visitors to only lay organic or compostable material. The public will be asked to remove all wrapping from floral tributes and place these in the bins provided. Removing the wrapping will aid the longevity of the flowers and will assist in subsequent composting which will start between one week and a fortnight after the date of the funeral.

We would prefer visitors not to bring non-floral objects/artefacts such as teddy bears or balloons. Cards and labels will, however, be accepted and will be periodically removed by The Royal Parks’ staff and contractors for storage offsite. This process will be carried out with discretion and sensitivity.

A few additional notes, also via bullet point:

• Let Paddington be the King of England
• Make that the next movie
• I bet Timothee Chalamet would be a really good Paddington villain

This was a pretty good chat.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE – This is good advertising

Well, guess what: Danny DeVito is the new spokesman for Jersey Mike’s. This feels… right. It feels right. Like, of course Danny DeVito should be the spokesman for a national hoagie chain based out of New Jersey. The bigger surprise here is that it did not happen until 2022. This should have happened in, like, the early 1990s, if anyone anywhere had been doing their job properly. A lot of people who run hoagie businesses have a lot of reflecting to do today.

Here’s some info from the press release, via FastCasual.

Jersey Mike’s Subs is launching a national advertising campaign starring actor and comedian Danny DeVito — a New Jersey native who grew up down the street from the original sub shop that opened in 1956 at the Jersey Shore

“It’s A Jersey Mike’s Thing” celebrates the company’s point of difference — its authentic fresh sliced and fresh grilled sub sandwiches made to order, Rich Hope, CMO, Jersey Mike’s Franchise Systems, said in a press release.

“Who better to speak to the authenticity of Jersey Mike’s fresh sliced, fresh grilled sub sandwiches than the guy whose birthday is an official holiday in the state of New Jersey?” Hope said.

Exactly. Well said. But please do not let these adequately articulated words distract you from the real story here: Look at Danny DeVito’s face in this commercial.

Look at him.

LOOK AT HIM.

I do not especially want to do a deep self-examination about why Danny DeVito getting kind of horny about hoagies is making me so hungry right now, but it is. A lot. Like, I might stop typing this sentence to drive to Wawa. Which is probably not the result Jersey Mike’s is looking for. But this is on them for not putting a franchise closer to my apartment than he Wawa. They might want to reflect on that part, too.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Michael:

I was listening to the radio the other day and “Funkytown” by Lipps Inc came on. It got me thinking: are Flavortown and Funkytown arch rivals, like Dallas and Philadelphia? Cities in different time zones whose residents would just as soon beat the crap out of each other. Or are they like the Twin Cities, St. Paul and Minneapolis? Two neighboring cities that, as far as I know, get along reasonably well.

I know I have said this before but it really brings me a lot of pleasure and makes me feel I’ve made the right choices in life when some of you think these thoughts and then think “I should email Brian about this.” I am not joking or being sarcastic. I genuinely do enjoy it. Please do not ever hesitate to send me just the dumbest thing that has ever careened into your brain. It is quite literally what I am here for.

Well, that and posting these pictures from two separate Celebrity Flag Football games where Guy Fieri is eating sand while trying to play defense.

So I’m here for two things, really. Both equally important.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Oklahoma!

A tractor trailer overturned on I-40 near Oklahoma City Wednesday, spilling vibrators all over Mustang Road and closing the off ramp for several hours.

I know this section of this column has leaned very “highway spill” lately between this and the tomato/Alfredo spills the other week. I had another story all lined up for this one. I had even pasted the quotes into the text box here. But then this story broke on Thursday and, look… I’m only so strong. Dildos it is.

“This is a semi that overturned and lost its load here,” reporter Jim Gardner said from the Skynews 9 chopper. “There is a lot of stuff to clean up.”

An anchor for the station asked him: “Jim, can you tell what he’s carrying there? What’s all over the road?”

The most confusing thing for me in all of this is that the man in the chopper in this story has the same name as the longtime anchor of Action News in Philadelphia. That’s strange. And a lot of fun. Am I picturing Philadelphia icon Jim Gardner with his white mustache and deep well of gravitas up in a helicopter looking at a collection of loose dildos on the highway? Yes. Yes, I am. It’s really a lot of fun.

The camera zooms in. “It’s a mess for sure,” another anchor says. Gardner demurs: “We’re zooming in … not really. I can’t tell. Maybe you can tell?” No one on the station can seemingly tell.

I think the live video will help here. Let’s go ahead and post that.

And then let’s go to Vice — proud of you, Vice — for the hard-hitting journalism into what exactly those boxes are.

There are dozens of boxes of pink vibrators; some of them have seemingly come out of their packaging and were strewn on the street. But what kind of vibrators? With the help of Motherboard executive editor Emanuel Maiberg, we believe these are Adam & Eve G-Spot Touch Finger Vibes, which retail for $39.95.

I will be honest here: it had never occurred to me that a truck I’m flying past on the highway might be full of dildos. It just had not dawned on me even once. I suppose that’s on me, though. I can and will do better going forward. In conclusion, there was also allegedly lubricant in the spill, which when you combine the thing where this happened in Oklahoma with the thing where the very good Watchmen television show was set in Oklahoma, means I have a pretty great excuse to post this clip again.

Thank you to everyone involved for making this happen for me.