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Three days on from the Uvalde, Texas elementary school shooting, many of us are still trying to wrap our heads around the tragedy. While some call for compassion and understanding for the families of the victims, others are calling for action. However, the government representatives for the state of Texas have offered little in the way of solutions or useful suggestions beyond “arming teachers” — because that’s certain to work out (he wrote with as much sarcasm as he could muster.

Even rappers are tired of the non-response. 2 Chainz, who has three elementary-aged children of his own, vented his frustration with Texas Senator Ted Cruz, posting on Instagram taking the politician and his peers to task for their less-than-helpful takes. Cruz suggested that limiting school entries could be a way to prevent school shootings — instead of just, y’know, penning in potential victims and making it easier for a shooter to inflict damage and prevent authorities from intervening.

“These politicians, some of you n****s is dumb as f*ck,” Chainz said, not holding back. “Just ’cause you put a suit on… let me tell you something. The suit is the biggest cap in the world. When n****s be having on suits, man anybody wearing a suit, they think you put on a suit you supposed to be more intelligent. Man, I’ve been listening to some of you politicians and some of y’all n****s dumb as f*ck. That n****a Ted Cruz said, ‘Lock the back door next time.’ He said to prevent what happened, have the back door locked.” He ended the video with an expression of exasperated disbelief.

Only one thing is certain; this is a problem unique to the United States, as pointed out by a Sky News reporter directly to Cruz’s bewildered face. Until we do something differently, that may be unlikely to change anytime soon. Watch 2 Chainz’s reaction below.

Rootin’ tootin’ Lauren Boebert tried hard (with her comparison of the 9/11 and gun control issues) to make the most absurd cable news statement of the past 24 hours. Her demonstration of Second Amendment love, though, may have been topped by House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who popped by Fox News to chat with former Real World star (and ex-congressman) Sean Duffy about the Texas school shooting that left at least 19 children dead.

The overriding issue, to McCarthy (who freely accepts NRA donations), isn’t guns. He’s not taking any issue with how easy it was for an 18-year-old gunman to purchase two assault rifles with ease. Instead, McCarthy believes that there are simply too many doors in this world. Schools must be safer, and that really means (to this lawmaker) that most doors should be eliminated. Use those Covid-19 funds to build brick walls instead, McCarthy is arguing.

The #DoorControl hashtag from journalist Aaron Rupar says a lot here here.

Truly, it’s a heck of a swing, and it’s hard to believe whether McCarthy actually believes himself. But dang it, he found a talking point, and he’s not letting go of it. As Ben Fowlkes pointed out on Twitter, McCarthy’s got the poker face game going on strong.

This weekend’s NRA conference in Texas promises even more bombastic GOP behavior to come.

Top Gun: Maverick was already projected to be the biggest opening of Tom Cruise‘s career, and it seems to already have a missile lock on that target before the holiday weekend has started. According to the latest box office receipts, the Thursday showings for Top Gun: Maverick are the highest preview sales ever recorded for a Memorial Day weekend. They’re also an all-time best for Paramount, which has to be very glad they gave into Cruise’s demand to hold onto the film and not release it on streaming.

The previous best Memorial Day preview for Paramount was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen all the way back in 2009, and surprisingly, the all-time titleholder until now was the critically panned Solo: A Star Wars Story, which caused a collective freakout on the direction of the franchise that’s still happening to this day.

Via Deadline:

On a Thursday preview basis, that’s the best Tom Cruise has ever seen, blowing away the $6M previews from 2018’s Mission: Impossible – Fallout. Industry projections earlier this week believe that a $100M+ four-day is in store at 4,735 theaters, which of course would make it the best weekend opening ever for Cruise. At that preview level, Top Gun: Maverick will feasibly outrace that projection; note that good word of mouth should spread to adults thus clicking ticket sales higher. Cruise’s record 3-day (in an elongated Independence Day week launch) belongs to Paramount’s 2005 Steven Spielberg sci-fi movie War of the Worlds at $64.8M.

During the pandemic, Cruise personally called theater owners and reassured them that help is on the way with both Top Gun: Maverick and Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning: Part One coming down the pipe. So far, it appears the actor is delivering on that promise and cementing his status as one of the biggest box-office draws of all time.

(Via Deadline)

If we’re being honest, one typically doesn’t need to look too far to find a reason to criticize Ted Cruz and his inane “ideas” for solving just about any crisis. (Freezing cold with no heat or electricity? Fly the family to Cancun!) But the senator from Texas seems to really be outdoing himself this week, in the wake of the attack on Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. On Thursday night, Seth Meyers was more than happy to list all the reasons why Cruz’s reaction to the deadliest school shooting in a decade makes absolutely zero f**king sense.

While, as Meyers stated, the fact that America has more mass shootings than any other country in the world by far because we have more guns “should be blindingly obvious to anyone with clear eyes and a conscience,” the one exception he makes is for “the craven ghouls who refuse to even acknowledge America’s gun crisis.” That would include Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, who thinks that “turning to God” is the only way we can stop these mass killings. Patrick has also hopped aboard the “one door” solution that Cruz has idiotically proposed, in which any school would and should only have one door that people can use to enter and exit—and that an armed guard should be stationed there. Or, as Meyers puts it: “Just get rid of doors!” On Thursday, he had a lot more to say about this utterly imbecilic proposal:

I’m sorry, you don’t want gun control but you want DOOR CONTROL?!

Why stop at one? Why not just outlaw doors altogether, then no one would need keys. To get in your house, you just have to climb up to the roof and slide headfirst down the chimney. REALLY! You REALLY think one door is a good idea? Then how ‘bout you try it first. One door for the Senate. You can all line up to go in every day—which Ted Cruz might not think is bad, but it’s a f**king nightmare for whoever has to stand next to Ted Cruz…

Just spitballing here, but maybe run this idea by a fire marshal first and see what they have to say about it. Because, famously, nothing bad has ever happened when there’s only one way in and one way out of a crowded building. Can you imagine what would happen if someone in an office, say, with only one door yelled ‘Fire!’? Or, worse still, ‘Ted Cruz is in the breakroom!’

Meyers is convinced that these “obviously aren’t serious ideas,” but instead “pathetic excuses” from the greediest and most shameless politicians who would rather keep cashing big checks from the NRA than doing something—anything—to save America’s children.

You can watch the full clip above.

This is the year of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs comeback. The band’s last album was 2013’s Mosquito, but they’ve been announcing shows and teasing music, and today they’ve finally announced their first new song in nine years arriving Wednesday, June 1. It’s titled “Spitting Off The Edge Of The World,” and it features Perfume Genius.

The “Maps” performers are hosting an event in Brooklyn tomorrow for a video preview of the song. It will be airing all day at a new event space called Main Drag Music. “To view video you must relinquish your phone during the screening but will get it right back,” the Eventbrite page reads.

When announcing New York City and LA shows a couple of months ago, the band posted: “It’s with true life-affirming pleasure to announce our two headline shows in our two hometowns NYC AND LA,” Karen O said in a statement, “supported by two wildly gifted bands Japanese Breakfast and The Linda Lindas at the Hollywood Bowl, with The Linda Lindas supporting in Forest Hills and our other support TBA soon! Representin’ a few generations yo! Cannot wait to see you there! New music! New Era! And New Home with Secretly Canadian! Much to celebrate!“

The Golden State Warriors will play for an NBA championship for the sixth time in eight years. Golden State won Game 5 over the Dallas Mavericks on Thursday evening to secure their standing as the champions of the Western Conference. Now, they’ll have to sit back and wait to see if the Boston Celtics or Miami Heat meet them.

Steph Curry was excellent against the Mavericks and earned the Western Conference Finals MVP award for his troubles. In the aftermath, ESPN’s Mike Greenberg posed the following question on Friday morning’s edition of Get Up!: “If he adds that Finals MVP, if they win another championship — I think we have all generally, universally considered LeBron James to be the defining player of this generation. Could Steph Curry have something to say about that here?”

Patrick Beverley was among the folks who were tasked with answering that question, and while he said James has set the bar ultra high, he thinks Curry would deserve to be in that conversation.

“I believe so,” Beverley said about Curry’s case as the defining player of this era if he goes on to add to his trophy case. “And that’s not to discredit, obviously, what LeBron has done in the league, and what he’s still doing, and his legacy. He set the bar extremely high.

“But you’ve got to give Steph Curry a lot of credit, man, he’s 6’1, 25-5-5 average in the playoffs, shooting over 43 percent, back to the chip again, six out of eight times,” Beverley continued. “His resume, scoring titles, most three-pointers hit ever, his resume is elite, so you have to put him up there.”

Vince Carter pushed back a bit on Curry needing a Finals MVP due to the circumstances under which the distinction was given in 2015 (Andre Iguodala) and during their other two title wins — Kevin Durant got it, but Carter argued “Steph took a back seat to KD to allow him to be the KD they needed to win back-to-back years.”

“We, on the outside, felt like, ‘Man, he deserved that trophy as well,’ but he’s an unselfish superstar and it was about empowering everybody else and making sure everybody else is able to do their job to be great to win championships,” Carter said. “So I think if they’re able to pull this off and win these four games, he will hold that trophy. And it’s not disrespecting LeBron, I think now you’re saying Steph needs to be talked about for this era and generation like we do LeBron James.”

The entire conversation caught the attention of Draymond Green, who praised Beverley and added his take on Curry’s place in this conversation.

Gun-loving Texas governor Greg Abbott canceled his appearance this weekend at the National Rifle Association’s annual convention in Houston, less than 300 miles from the sight of the school shooting that left 19 kids dead. So did Dan Patrick, the lieutenant governor of Texas, and performers Don McClean and Lee Greenwood. But “stepmom porn” fanatic Ted Cruz still plans on attending, as does former-president Donald Trump, who clumsily hyped his “interesting” speech during an interview on Friday.

“I’m making a speech tomorrow at the NRA in Huston and it’ll be very interesting,” he told far-right radio host Sebastian Gorka, who served as Deputy Assistant to the President (until he resigned) during Trump’s time in the White House. “And so yeah, interesting time to be making such a speech, frankly.”

“Interesting.” You can always count on Trump to accurately read the room.

After revealing the rest of his weekend plans (he’ll be campaigning against Liz Cheney and not watching The Bob’s Burgers Movie or Top Gun: Maverick, like a normal person), Trump continued, “But on Friday night, I’ll be in Houston. And we’ll be making a speech and discussing a lot of the things which you would agree to, and you know, you have to protect, you have to protect your Second Amendment. You have to give that Second Amendment great protection, because without it, we would be a very dangerous country frankly.” The families who lost their kids this week might disagree with you.

You can listen to Trump’s interview below.

Rico Nasty’s last full-length project, her debut album Nightmare Vacation, is around a year and a half old now, so you can’t blame her fans for being anxious for a new one. And although Rico’s been releasing singles here and there, like the jock jam influenced “Money” with Flo Milli and her latest song, “Intrusive,” it didn’t look like there was an official rollout happening.

However, Rico’s a rebel who does things her own way. Case in point: It looks like she may have actually announced her new project on Twitter ahead of a wider release strategy. After a cryptic tweet reading, “17 :D,” it didn’t take long for fans to start speculating. However, Rico was equally quick to lay that speculation to rest, replying to a fan’s question, “17 tracks or June 17th???” with an enthusiastic response: “Bitch when I say BOTH.”

She didn’t offer much in response to further fan prodding except to confirm an upcoming European tour, but she did tease some details about the upcoming collection. “And by the way I do have some ‘singy songs’ for u lil soft ass bitches,” she wrote in a separate tweet.

More information is undoubtedly forthcoming but for now, fans can at least look forward to Rico’s return in June — and her tour with Kehlani.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — This is journalism to me

There was a period of time, not that long ago, where everyone was mean to Guy Fieri for no really good reason. Yes, the hair, sure, and the general vibe, fine, crossed with a generally harsher and more judgmental version of the internet — blogs, specifically — created as close to a perfect storm as you’ll ever see. I was as guilty of it as anyone. I don’t think any news story in my online career brought me as much pleasure in the moment as the time a teenage supervillain stole his Lamborghini. I feel conflicted about it. Maybe not the Lamborghini thing. That’s still wild.

The tide is turning, though. It’s been turning for a while. Guy Fieri is being recognized as a wholesome king and good dude by some of the snots like me who once roasted him and by some of the fancy-schmancy types in the food community. This is cool. It’s good to look at things and re-evaluate them and maybe flip your perspective a bit every once in a while. It is now my position that every waiting room should play episodes of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives on a loop all day long. I think it would do wonders for the American psyche as a whole. I am serious about this.

Which, among other reasons, is why it brings me such pleasure to direct you to this profile of Guy Fieri in the New York Times by Matt Flegenheimer. It might be the greatest work of journalism I’ve ever seen. Go read it all. I’m going to pull out some highlights, but seriously, go read it all. Because it is barely a paragraph old before it gets to this…

“I want to chug the chutney!” Mr. Fieri said, daring someone to stop him. “One little bump.”

It was 9:33 a.m.

Perfect.

Or this section, in which Guy Fieri explains his theories on cooking and food and how all of it has slowly gained acceptance from the community that once shunned it.

“If you only hear Metallica as a heavy-metal band, then you are not hearing Metallica,” Mr. Fieri said, riding shotgun after a day of filming and charity work. “Now maybe you don’t like that style. But they’re real musicians.”

Not a single note. It reads almost exactly like something you would expect Guy Fieri to say, which is kind of cool. There’s something to be said for being yourself all the time, even when it wasn’t always popular. I respect it a lot. It’s also good that we note the thing in there about charity. Guy Fieri does so much charity work. It’s one of the things that bent his colleagues toward acceptance. Look at these quotes.

“I don’t think he had the respect of people like me or people in the food industry,” said Traci Des Jardins, an acclaimed Bay Area chef who has become a friend. “He has earned that respect.”

“An amazing individual,” said the philanthropic chef José Andrés, recalling how Mr. Fieri churned out plates of turkey for wildfire evacuees in 2018.

That’s cool. Good for Guy Fieri. I love that he’s made an entire career out of highlighting American small businesses and supporting the restaurant industry — literally the people that feed America — and he’s found a way to do it that’s fun and in his own distinctive style. Arguments can be made that he’s done as much for independently-owned restaurants in America as the entire federal government. Again, that’s cool.

Also, he makes paragraphs like these possible.

He can pass hours, by land or fishing boat, reflecting on life and family with a close friend, Rob Van Winkle, whom Mr. Fieri addresses as Ninja and most others know as Vanilla Ice.

“Some of us never grow up,” said Mr. Van Winkle, who attributed Mr. Fieri’s nickname for him to his rap in the 1991 “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” sequel, adding that he has been renovating the chef’s new home in Palm Beach County, Fla., a short drive from his own. “When Guy and I are together, we’re like the oldest teenagers in town.”

Okay, stop reading for a second. After this paragraph. Close your eyes. Picture yourself out fishing, early in the morning, dew on the grass in the marsh surrounding the lake, a thin layer of fog lingering on the glassy surface of the water… and then, a few dozen yards away, approaching you, you see Guy Fieri and Vanilla Ice together in a boat.

Think about how you would react to that one.

Be honest.

There’s a non-zero chance you would fall out of the boat.

Right?

Do not lie to me.

Yet the likeliest explanation for his durability, for his heightened esteem among some peers, is deceptively simple.

“He seeks to understand rather than be understood,” Mr. Zimmern said, “which I think is as high a compliment as I can give.”

This is a great quote and a beautiful explanation of why Guy Fieri is still out here doing it, gaining a foothold in the culture, and winning over cynical dweebs across the country. It sums things up almost perfectly.

“Almost” is the key word there, though. It turns out things can be summed up better. I know this because, a little further down the profile, we see this quote from a dude named Jim that, I think, really nails things with a clarity you don’t often get from words on a page.

“He goes to all these diners, drive-ins and dives,” said one fan, Jim McGinnis, 77, explaining the show’s appeal as Mr. Fieri administered handshakes and how-ya-doing-brothers at a charity event for New Jersey veterans. “It’s just a pleasure.”

Zero lies detected anywhere in those statements. Congrats to Guy Fieri. And Jim. Congrats to both of them. I bet they’d get along. They should go fishing with Vanilla Ice and make it a television show. I would watch it. I swear to god I’m not joking.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — LET RITA AND HELEN RACE

Something important happened this week: Rita Moreno, Hollywood legend and freaking EGOT winner, was cast in Fast X, the tenth Fast & Furious movie. As the grandmother of Vin Diesel’s character. This is wild. Imagine going back in time to 2001 and telling someone as they walk out of the theater after seeing the first movie in this franchise that there will be nine more over the next 20 years and that Rita Moreno will end up playing Dominic Toretto’s grandmother. They would think you are insane. And that’s before you tell them any of the other stuff that’s happened in the last 20 years. My point is that having a time machine would be fun.

Anyway, I have one request here and I think it’s pretty reasonable: I want to see Rita Moreno and Helen Mirren race. Against each other. Maybe for pink slips or maybe for pride or maybe just for the love of the game. This could happen. It really could. They are both now members of the Fast & Furious Family. Literally, kind of. Helen Mirren plays the mother of Jason Statham’s character, who tried to kill Dominic Toretto with a bazooka as recently as three movies ago but is now invited to his cookout. These are the best movies.

The nice thing here is that, by explaining all of this again, I have given myself another excuse to post the quotes Helen Mirren gave when she was cast in the eighth Fast & Furious movie but was not given the chance to drive…

“I wanted to be driving, but unfortunately, I’m not,” she says, shrugging. “Maybe that will come in the future, in Fast and Furious 12.” She pauses. “I’m probably one of the few people on the set who know how to drive a gear shift car. I doubt the Rock knows,” she jokes. “But I do. I know how to double declutch.”

… and to post this GIF of her getting to drive in the ninth movie after making that stink and calling out The Rock, which, to be clear, is still deeply funny to me.

So, yes, please, whoever is reading this and can make it happen or who knows someone and can make it happen or can maybe blackmail someone (just a little) into making it happen, let Rita Moreno race Helen Mirren in Fast X.

For me.

For all of us.

But definitely for me.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — The Mission: Impossible movies must continue, for the people

This is the trailer for the next Mission: Impossible movie, Dead Reckoning — Part One, which is an outrageous thing to title a movie. Or anything else, I guess. But definitely a movie. That’s not really the point, though. There was nowhere to go but down after they came up with Ghost Protocol anyway. Ghost Protocol! I’m still not over that. I suspect I’ll never be over it. It is one of my favorite phrases ever. Someone even said it in the movie. Here, look.

It must have been so thrilling to deliver that line. I bet people cheered. I bet someone off-camera whispered “yesssss” right away and it was just loud enough that a microphone picked it up and they had to reshoot the scene. I would have absolutely been this person. I should not be allowed on a movie set.

The trailer is awesome, though. Which is not a surprise. The Mission: Impossible movies rarely disappoint. Tom Cruise is about to turn 60 and he’s still out here doing nonsense like this.

Meanwhile, I ate something kind of spicy last week and my stomach hurt for two days. I am conflicted about this. As I am about the thing where the trailer came out this week and the movie does not premiere until next year. Next year is so far away. It’s not fair. Give it to me now. For free. And give me $1,000. I’ll go as low as $850.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Thank you to Sebastian Stan for keeping “Pam & Tommy had a scene where Tommy Lee’s penis spoke to him with the voice of Jason Mantzoukas” in the news

A good way to tell that there are too many television shows these days is that we are not all sitting around every day talking about the scene in Pam & Tommy where Sebastian Stan, in character as Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, had a conversation with his own penis, which was shown on-screen and was voiced by Jason Mantzoukas. It’s a shame, really. We’re just burning through all kinds of stuff — some legitimately good, some wild, some featuring a talking penis — and none of it is sticking. I hate it.

This is why I’m grateful whenever someone brings it up again. Which Sebastian Stan did. On television. During an interview. The Hollywood Reporter has the quotes.

The actor went on to say that Lee’s 2004 book Tommyland features the rocker’s penis as a character, and so the show’s writers intended the scene as an homage to that choice.

“It’s actually a very sweet scene because it’s a love confession to some extent,” Stan continued. “He’s realizing he’s in love with this woman, and he’s telling his best friend. ‘Don’t let me down, buddy.’”

This is terrific. He said it — and by “it” I am again referring to the thing where he, Sebastian Stan, in character as Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, had a conversation with his own penis, which was shown on-screen and was voiced by Jason Mantzoukas – was “a sweet scene.” And he was kind of right about it, too. There are two primary takeaways from all of this and I think it would be good if we all tried to remember them going forward:

• It’s good to try to slow down sometimes and let the cool and important stuff sink in so it doesn’t get burned up like rocket fuel as you hurtle yourself through an endless cosmos of content
• There was a scene in Pam & Tommy where Sebastian Stan in character as Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, had a conversation with his own penis, which was shown on-screen and was voiced by Jason Mantzoukas

I might go carve both of these into the face of a mountain. People need to know.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Paddington gets it

This was a weird and bad week for reasons that do not especially require rehashing here. I am fried and I suspect a lot of you are, too. So… let’s just look at this tweet from my sweet boy Paddington Bear in which he takes the famous Top Gun quote about having a need for speed and substitutes, instead of speed, marmalade sandwiches.

And then let’s look at this tweet by jaythechou — who is doing the Lord’s work on a daily basis — that inserts Paddington into the original Top Gun.

We needed this.

We deserve it.

I want to see Paddington fly a fighter jet.

These are all true statements.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this up.

From Matt:

Pop quiz, hotshot.

A madman threatens to blow up the moon unless you agree to never use one of the following GIFs ever again: Judith Light doing cocaine at the rodeo or James Wolk slapping a general and shouting “Where’s the sloth?” What do you do? Just let him blow up the moon?

This question cracked me up, mostly because of the general premise of it all. Just the idea that someone is so sick of me posting these GIFs that they’re spending millions of dollars to shoot what I’m assuming is either some sort of rocket or space laser at the moon. I get it, though. I do post them a lot. And I’m going to post them again, now, for context. First, the one from the short-lived Dallas continuation series where Judith Light did a line of cocaine from an ornate box while standing inside an empty rodeo arena…

… and then the one from Zoo where James Wolk backhand-slapped an evil general while demanding to know the location of a sloth whose shrieks were so powerful they could cause earthquakes.

Two things are true here:

• Both of these things actually happened on television
• I love them both the way a parent loves their children

That said, I’m keeping Judith. It’s just more useful. You can use it to react to all sorts of things. And I do. Friends will text me to ask simple questions — “Do you want to go to Chili’s for dinner on Saturday?” — and I’ll just post that GIF as a response. I bet they groan every time. This makes it funnier to me.

Apologies to James Wolk. But this one was easy.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Germany!

Authorities in the southwest German town of Walldorf have ordered some cat owners to keep their pets indoors until the end of August, to protect a rare bird during its breeding season.

CAT LOCKDOWN

WE HAVE A GERMAN CAT LOCKDOWN

I DID NOT EVER EXPECT TO TYPE THAT SENTENCE

I AM GOING TO TYPE IT AGAIN BUT MAKE IT BOLD THIS TIME

WE HAVE A GERMAN CAT LOCKDOWN

The decree is designed to help save the crested lark, which makes its nest on the ground and is therefore easy prey for feline hunters. The bird’s population in Western Europe has declined sharply in recent decades.

This is incredible. They really want people to keep their cats inside the entire summer to protect some birds. Which, now that I think about it, isn’t that big deal? I don’t know. My family had a cat when I was growing up and he barely ever went outside. You could leave the door wide open and he’d just yawn at it from the floor. His name was Sylvester and I loved him very much. Great dude.

Regional daily Rhein-Neckar-Zeitung reported Wednesday that the head of the local animal protection association plans to take legal steps to challenge the decree.

“Please remain calm,” it quoted him as saying. “I can assure you we’ll do our best to stop this disproportionate measure.”

It says a lot about me as a person and the various personality flaws I possess that I would absolutely, 100 percent, watch a video feed of these legal proceedings. Live. Every day. Lots of you weirdos have been watching the Depp-Heard trial. This is that for me. I hope they call witnesses. I hope one of the witnesses is a cat. I hope the trial becomes a worldwide phenomenon and they end up making a miniseries about it in a few years. I hope the miniseries contains a scene where a bunch of dogs are watching the trial on television and laughing at the cats.

It could happen. You don’t know. Shut up.

Despite being persona non grata in the music industry for the past six months or so, Travis Scott remains as popular as ever among sneakerheads. Today, his latest collaboration with Nike dropped — and unfortunately for his fans, the shoes proved as scarce as a recent Travis headlining performance.

The culprit in this not-so-mysterious case of the missing shoes — as it so often is — was SNKRS, Nike’s app for bidding on the most coveted (or “hyped”) releases from its stocks. Whereas you’d go on the plain old Nike app for a pair of new LeBrons or general release Air Max, SNKRS is where you need to be for the latest Jordan retro or high-profile limited-edition release with artists like Travis or Billie Eilish.

However, ever since its release, it has been as much a source of frustration for fans as it has a resource — in fact, many times, it is more so. Nearly every new release day brings with it a slew of fans posting their “Ls” on social media, as the drawing system condemns many fans to the dicey proposition of the resale market, where they can get their latest grails, but only at a 200% markup (sometimes more). Today was no different, as the hotly-demanded Travis Scott Cact.us collection, consisting of a reconstructed Air Max 1 and Air Trainer 1, disappeared faster than you could say, “It’s lit!” Those who did hit today met an immediate wave of hate from their peers.

There is some good news on the horizon for Travis fans, though. He makes his return to the festival scene at Primavera Sound in Brazil this summer, while his album Utopia is still waiting in the wings. Check out fans’ SNKRS laments above.