Welcome to another installment of Ask A Music Critic! And thanks to everyone who has sent me questions. Please keep them coming at [email protected].
Chappell Roan went viral this week with two TikTok videos in which she talked about harassment from fans. It goes without saying that things like stalking or attacking a celebrity (verbally or god forbid physically) are beyond the pale. But what about approaching an artist you like because you want to tell them how much you like their work? I feel like that is a harmless act, and it even seems like a nice thing to do. But at least based on Chappell Roan’s comments, even that might be invasive. For instance, she complained about people asking to take a photo with her. I guess I don’t know where the line is drawn. What’s the right way to approach a celebrity? — Emily from St. Louis
This is a good and valid question. The Chappell Roan videos inspired a lot of conversation online this week. Some of it was good and insightful. Some of it was reactionary and lacking in empathy. Almost none of it was instructive. I truly believe that 99 percent of us want to be kind and normal when it comes to how we act around famous people we admire. But sometimes we don’t know how to be kind and normal. Clearly — as you said — nobody wants to be the Mark David Chapman-style fan. But it’s also possible to proceed with the best intentions and still end up acting like a complete jerk.
The problem is that the average person has no idea what it’s like to be famous. We think we have an idea, but the common perception of celebrity is mostly fixated on presumed wealth. We only imagine the luxury of being rich and make the money part the entirety of the fame experience. There’s even an increasingly common belief that celebrities work for us, and therefore owe us certain consideration should we ever encounter them face to face. We gave you all the money you have, the thinking goes, so the least you could do is give me a few minutes of your time. Social media has accelerated this by collapsing the perceived space between artist and fan. These people are so present in our minds that we are deluded into a false sense of intimacy.
Also: Being rich is not the same as being famous. You can be rich without being famous, and you can be famous without being rich. (The latter is way more common in the music business than fans believe.) For those who are rich and famous, there’s an expectation from the public that the former status ought to pay for the burdens of the latter status. I don’t think that expectation is totally wrong, though it shouldn’t cause the rest of us to completely disregard the very real strangeness of living in the public eye.
I am not a famous person, but I think I have a very small sense of what that strangeness feels like. This summer, I did a handful of readings for my latest book. I had a wonderful time, and I met lots of very cool people who are kind enough to buy and enjoy my books. I didn’t have a single bad experience at those events. But I did have one slightly weird one.
It was nobody’s fault but my own. Before my event in Brooklyn, I had to use the bathroom. The bookstore had one commode, so I had to wait in line. Unfortunately, the bathroom was located near the front door, so anyone who walked in could see me standing there, waiting to whizz. Now, it’s not like this is a big deal. I didn’t wet my pants waiting for my turn or anything like that. But I could tell that the people passing by recognized me, and then I remembered that everyone in this room knew who I was. Which is not a common experience for me, obviously, but this was the rare instance where I was famous within the walls of this particular store. And here I was, in front of all those folks, waiting to urinate. And I’ll be honest: In that moment, I felt a little self-conscious!
I am not at all likening this silly anecdote to the meteoric rise to fame experienced by Chappell Roan in 2024. I’m just saying that we all go through the world with a cloak of invisibility that we take for granted. You can technically be out in public and know that nobody will pay attention. You can shop for toilet paper, pump your car full of gas, ride your bike around the neighborhood, or walk your dog. It’s all the same. Nobody cares! You are always visible, but never really seen. You get to be insignificant in your own skin.
That’s the sort of thing you never think about as a luxury until you lose it. Which is precisely what Chappell Roan was talking about. When you’re famous, you constantly meet strangers who already know who you are. And those strangers have a highly developed relationship with you in their minds. They might even expect you to be aware of that pretend relationship and — if they’re really crazy — to reciprocate it.
Again: I think 99 percent of us want to be kind and normal. But how do you do it? Here are five rules for approaching a famous person you admire.
Rule No. 1: Never Approach A Person Who Is Eating
Simple common courtesy that applies to famous and non-famous people. Nobody wants to be bothered while picking away at a Caesar salad.
Rule No. 2: Never Approach A Person Who Is Already In Conversation With Someone They Clearly Know
I call this “The John C. Reilly Rule,” as I saw John C. Reilly once in a bar in Austin during SXSW. He was talking with an attractive woman, but I decided to walk up to him anyway and attempt to shake his head. He gave me the old “dead fish” handshake in return and looked at me like I was Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights. Just complete and utter disgust and contempt. And I deserved it!
Anyway, please learn from my mistake.
Rule No. 3: Don’t Ask For A Photo, Don’t Ask For A Hug, Don’t Ask For Anything You Wouldn’t Ask Of Any Other Stranger
I repeat: Famous people do not know you! Your parasocial relationship is one-sided and centered on a public image that is only loosely connected to that person’s private life. Honor their personal space, you freak!
Rule No. 4: Always Keep It Positive, aka This Is Not The Time To Air Your Personal Grievances About How This Person Has Disappointed You
To reiterate an earlier point: There is an increasingly common mentality people seem to have where they feel “owed” some sort of interaction with an artist they like. This is at a time when most people don’t actually buy albums or movies or books, but rather stream them for an absurdly low fee. And yet, investing less has made people feel more entitled.
That’s crazy! Celebrities are not our employees. They are, at best, contractors. You pay them to perform a specific task, and that’s it. If you don’t like their service, treat them the way you would a plumber. Complain about them on the internet, and never to their face.
Rule No. 5: Keep Your Comments Short And Sweet
If you feel strongly compelled to approach a famous person, give yourself two sentences max. Repeat after me: “Big fan! Thanks for all that you do!” That’s all you need to say. Anyone will appreciate hearing that, and you will feel good about spreading positive vibes.
Remember: It only takes one person to ruin another person’s day or week or month or year or even life. Try not to be that person!
