Sometimes, when we are met with unsavory behavior from others, a response is called for. But the real art is responding in a way that’s clear, strong and yet still peaceful.
For an example for this, look no further than Xander’s dad, who was on the receiving end of hate from his neighbor. Rather than spewing back the same amount of vitriol, his colorful comeback had courage, wit and just the right amount of flair.
As Xander tells us in the video, the retort came after the neighbor told his dad that having two gay kids (Xander’s sister Claire is a lesbian) meant he “failed as a parent.”
“So dad took a moment then replied with this…” the onscreen text reads.
Next thing you know, Xander’s dad can be seen filling his backyard with huge (like, parade level huge) rainbow pride flags. A dozen of them at least.
The video ends with the words: “No, saying things like that does.”
But rather than accept defeat—or resort to cruelty—he simply looked at the rules, only to discover that his house was actually outside the map by 2 meters (6.5 feet). So up the pride flags went! And even more this time!
Flag responses seem to run in the family. In another video, Xander explains that his neighbor (where have all the friendly ones gone?) said he couldn’t sell his house because of the small window-sized trans flag hung near the roof. So Xander got an even bigger one that covered the entire back side.
Pride Flags have long been a nonviolent way to stand up for the LGBTQ community. And yet, they still manage to whip up plenty of heated controversy, particularly at schools. The original eight colors all had a specific meaning, and only one color (pink) denoted sexuality. Meaning that the pride flag was and is just as nuanced and dynamic as the people it represents.
The flag has taken on many different forms over the years as it evolves to speak for more marginalized communities, but it remains a peaceful and artistic form of protest. One that always seems to get the message across.
More and more celebrities are opening up about their mental health diagnoses and how such issues impact their lives. These reports are refreshing as they help to normalize mental health struggles, as well as provide some insight into behaviors that fans may have been critical of. Selena Gomez revealed in 2020 that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Gomez is no stranger to opening up about health concerns. She publicly discussed her lupus diagnosis and her best friend donating a kidney when she was in need of a kidney transplant. Even on her cooking show, Selena + Chef, she explains that her hands are weak from lupus as she asks for her father to come help squeeze a fruit for her.
Given Selena’s openness about her physical struggles, it seems right in line for her to also discuss her mental health problems. In previous interviews she said getting her bipolar diagnosis a few years ago was freeing and since her diagnosis she’s happier than ever, but Gomez is taking her diagnosis one step further. She has a mission to make mental health resources free, so she co-founded Wondermind with her mother, Mandy Teefey, and Daniella Pierson. The trio went on Good Morning America to talk about their company and dive into their mental health.
The purpose of Wondermind isn’t to provide mental health care, but to provide mental health information to promote mental wellness and “mental fitness.” The multimedia company features information from vetted professionals for people that may not be able to afford traditional therapy. It was important for Gomez to create a company that would be accessible to everyone who may need it and would have benefitted her in her early days on her mental health journey. She told GMA that it’s “unfortunate that [mental health resources] cost ridiculous amounts of money.” She added “But [like with] Planned Parenthood, there’s a place for women to feel okay and to feel understood, and I want that for mental health. I think it’s so important and I can’t stress it enough how much I care and how much I really, really want people to be understood, seen and heard.”
Gomez admitted that she knew she was struggling with mental health issues for years, but recently she has taken the time to figure out what was going on with the help of her mom and mental health professionals. Teefey, Gomez’s mother, discussed her own diagnosis with ADHD and trauma, and how she and her daughter had to relearn how to communicate with each other in a way that was most helpful for their relationship. Social media also played a significant role in Gomez’s mental health, which is why she has not been online in 4.5 years, though she is one of the most followed people in the world with 310 million followers on Instagram alone. She relies heavily on her team to produce content for her social media accounts with her approval, but she does not log in herself. Gomez told GMA that this change has had a huge impact on her life, saying, “It has changed my life completely. I am happier, I am more present, I connect more with people. It makes me feel normal.”
Because she has dealt with mental health struggles and understands what would have been most helpful to her in the beginning of the process, she has an opportunity to elevate her company Wondermind above other mental health resources out there. Gomez’s openness about her mental health may also help demystify more serious mental health conditions and allow people to feel more comfortable seeking help.
This week, UPROXX Sessions welcomes R&B singer-songwriter Autumn Corin to the bathroom stage, marking the first time an R&B act has appeared on the show. After rappers like Kali and AzizTheShake have formed the backbone of the series, Corin expands the scope of UPROXX Sessions with her smooth ode to no-strings-attached relationships, “Sneaky Link.” Warning her friend with benefits not to tell his friends, she sings the praises of stepping out and keeping things on the low with a partner who gets the job done but isn’t exactly marriage material.
Autumn is signed to Zooted Music, the record label founded by fellow UPROXX Sessions alum DDG. The singer-songwriter is currently pursuing a degree in Music Business from Berklee College of Music, and splits her time between Los Angeles and Charlotte, North Carolina. “Sneaky Link” is her first release of 2022, and she’s previously garnered attention for her standalone singles “Unbothered” and “On Your Mind” featuring DDG, as well as her covers of hits like Muni Long’s “Hrs And Hrs” on TikTok.
Watch Autumn Corin’s performance of “Sneaky Link” above.
UPROXX Sessions is Uproxx’s performance show featuring the hottest up-and-coming acts you should keep an eye on. Featuring creative direction from LA promotion collective, Ham On Everything, and taking place on our “bathroom” set designed and painted by Julian Gross, UPROXX Sessions is a showcase of some of our favorite performers, who just might soon be yours, too.
Each week our staff of film and TV experts surveys the entertainment landscape to select the ten best new/newish shows available for you to stream at home. We put a lot of thought into our selections, and our debates on what to include and what not to include can sometimes get a little heated and feelings may get hurt, but so be it, this is an important service for you, our readers. With that said, here are our selections for this week.
Based on a best-selling book of the same name, this epic, generations-spanning saga follows a Korean family on an immigration journey, with the action taking place in Korea, Japan, and America. Looking for a well-reviewed, emotionally moving series that starts with a forbidden romance? Of course you are. Watch it on Apple TV.
A pirate comedy starring Taika Waititi, Rhys Darby, Leslie Jones, and Hodor from Game of Thrones? Don’t mind if I do. Our Flag Means Death is about an 18th-century aristocrat (Darby) who gives up whatever aristocrats do to become a swashbuckler alongside Blackbeard (Waititi). If it’s anything like What We Do in the Shadows but with pirates, prepare to be… Hook-ed. Watch it on HBO Max.
With Rothaniel, Jerrod Carmichael, in what is technically his third HBO special following 8 and Home Videos, comes to the spare stage of the Blue Note Jazz Club in New York City on a winter day ready to bare his soul. And while some of the truths he tells are things he may have alluded to in the past, this feels unique, naked, and gripping, elevated by the vision of director Bo Burnham, whose focus is unrelenting as Carmichael seems to be processing the experience of sharing the most intimate details and observations about his life in real-time with an audience whose feedback he welcomes. It is remarkable, human, and a special that everyone is going to be talking about. Watch it on HBO Max (after it premieres on HBO 4/1 at 9ET).
We are going back in time, again, this time to the 1970s, again, to see the dawn of an erotic magazine made specifically for women. That sounds fun. It also co-stars Jake Johnson from New Girl as a seedy pornographer who wears shirts unbuttoned halfway to his navel, which sounds… really fun. Worth a shot, at the very least. Watch it on HBO Max.
If Hulu’s The Girl From Plainville wasn’t based on a true story, we’d say it was a bit too unrealistic. But, since all of this actually happened, we’ll just call it the wildest f*cking true-crime drama we’ve seen in a while. It’s got Elle Fanning playing a sociopathic teenager so obsessed with mirroring her life off a Ryan Murphy musical that she convinces her boyfriend to kill himself so she can take all the glory. It’s also got some terrific performances – from Fanning, obviously but also from Chloe Sevigny who plays the dead boy’s mom. Fanning’s Michelle Carter is both an ego-maniac and a shy, mentally disturbed young girl who idolizes Leah Michele, and her Glee alter-ego, Rachel Berry. That’s clearly her first mistake, but things turn dark when she decides her own love story should also turn out like Michele’s real-life relationship with co-star Cory Monteith. It’s just … bizarre. And yet, like a train car full of feral cats veering off the tracks, we just can’t help but watch. Watch it on Hulu.
“Am I livestock?” Who among us hasn’t asked ourselves that question while grazing amongst the cubicles at work? But the workplace in Severance (a new Adam Scott starring and Ben Stiller produced Apple TV+ series) is a little different, running workers through a process that effectively breaks people in two with zero crossovers between their work life and non-work life. Sound ideal in a world where work stresses bleed into home life and Sunday scarys seem to always kneecap your weekend? Perhaps in some respects. Susan from HR probably LOVES the idea, seeing it as the ultimate NDA, but as the show is set to explore, it’s a less tidy experience that raises all kinds of questions about what happens when people are severed from the awful things they might be asked to do at work. Watch it on Apple TV Plus.
Audiences can’t get enough of space-bound conflict these days, and the ever-morphing Pablo Schreiber leads this cast as the indispensable “Master Chief,” who’s apparently the deadliest weapon in existence and the key to ensuring humanity’s survival against all odds. Expect a ton of action as humanity battles “the Covenant,” but more importantly, get ready to meet characters from all walks of life. Clearly too, this selection will be of interest to the gaming crowd. Watch it on Paramount Plus.
If you think about it, Winning Time (HBO’s new Adam McKay-produced series about the 1980s LA Lakers) has all the elements of a classic heist movie. Assembled by a larger than life fast talker with equally big ambitions (in this case, former Lakers owner Jerry Buss), a rag-tag group comes together, leaning on their exceptional and unique talents to paper over any personality conflicts that might arise while taking the thing (a whole mess of gold trophies) no one thought they’d ever get their hands on. This while having some wild misadventures along the way. We’re simplifying, of course, but the point is this should appeal to basketball fans and non-basketball fans alike, earning the right to be the most buzzed-about piece of basketball culture crossover content since The Last Dance helped us all stave off boredom for a few months by telling the story of another mismatched group of big personalities and champions. Watch it on HBO.
Michael Mann brings the Heat once again with a side of Miami Vice on the other side of the globe. Here, Mann’s exploring how one maneuvers (as an outsider) through Japan’s underworld, yakuzas and everything. Ken Watanabe plays a detective, and Ansel Elgort joins him as an American reporter, a role for which Elgort apparently also went undercover in real life to prepare. Not only that, but he had to dive into speaking Japanese, not an easy feat by any stretch, to take on this crime thriller series. Watch it on HBO Max.
Abbott Elementary has done something wild. It poked through the bubble of pop culture to become a phenomenon despite being a weekly network sitcom in 2022. Do you understand how crazy that is? Do you understand the odds against this happening? It’s basically impossible. And yet, here we all are, talking about Quinta Brunson and her very sweet, very good show. And Principal Ava. We are always talking about Principal Ava. Watch it on Hulu.
The bad news, for enthusiasts of The Duke, is that Regé-Jean Page isn’t back this season (as planned), but the good news is that the show still brings the momentum despite the odds. This season focuses upon Anthony Bridgerton (Jonathan Bailey) seeking his own match as outlined by Julia Quinn’s books. Lady Whistledown (already revealed as Penelope, portrayed by Nicola Coughlan) is still doing her thing and f*cking with everyone during her society letters, thank god. Watch it on Netflix.
Well, guess what: Atlanta is back, four years since its second season and just as ready and willing to throw you for a loop. Earn and Paper Boi and Darius are still off in Europe on that tour they were en route to way back then, but there are detours and flights of fancy and all the other weird, stunning, inventive stuff that made (and makes) this one of our greatest shows. Donald Glover and this crew are pretty good at this stuff. It’s great to have them back. Watch it on Hulu.
Oscar Isaac and Ethan Hawke are in the MCU now, but don’t expect either of them to be the typical Marvel superhero or villain. This show is sheer chaos (and joyous to behold) with Isaac’s character plagued with dissociative identity disorder and tormented with mockery by an Egyptian god. He’s a gift-shop employee, a mercenary, and a hero? Sure. Hawke plays a David Koresh-esque cult leader. Hold on tight. Watch it on Disney Plus.
Each week our staff of film and TV experts surveys the entertainment landscape to select the ten best new/newish movies available for you to stream at home. We put a lot of thought into our selections, and our debates on what to include and what not to include can sometimes get a little heated and feelings may get hurt, but so be it, this is an important service for you, our readers. With that said, here are our selections for this week.
Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson star as a preposterously attractive couple who get together after her character — one half of a global sensation pop duo — discovers her lover and music partner has been stepping out. That’s right, it is rom-com time over here. Will they? Won’t they? Whose hair will look better in the pivotal scene that will probably take place in the driving rain? There’s one way to find out: Grab some popcorn and comfy pajamas and set up shop on the couch. Watch it on Peacock.
Zoe Kravitz plays a stay-at-home digital detective in this latest thriller from Steven Soderbergh who — with the help of her friendly A.I. sidekick Kimi — uncovers a string of murders she traces back to the company she works for. She then must venture out into a pandemic-ridden Seattle in search of the reason why. Honestly, we can’t relate. But, Kravitz is quickly becoming a bonafide action star and a Soderbergh script rarely disappoints. Watch it on HBO Max.
Well, guess what: It’s a remake of the 2003 classic with Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt, which was itself a remake of a film from 1950, only this time is stars Zach Braff and Gabrielle Union as the flustered parents and can be found on Disney Plus, a service that did not even almost exist when the other versions came out. Which is fine. Time marches on. And this one is written and produced by Kenya Barris from Black-ish, which is also fine. Good, even. Round up the family and grab some snacks. Watch it on Disney Plus.
Ryan Reynolds plays Mark Ruffalo’s time-traveling son, so there’s a little MCU crossover there for you before Deadpool makes his possibly sooner than expected MCU return. They’re going to save the future, of course, and this film also has Ruffalo’s 13 Going On 30 co-star, Jennifer Garner, so there’s reteaming aplenty here. Expect both family drama and romance and drama across four dimensions. Watch it on Netflix.
Is the movie good? Reader, it is not. The updated take on the Agatha Christie classic romp is littered with awkward-to-bad CGI and a cast that has been through a slew of individual public relations disasters, and you just watch Knives Out again if you’re itching for a star-studded murder mystery, but still, if we can’t all get together once in a while to enjoy a good old-fashioned trainwreck, then what are we even doing here, you know? Watch it on Hulu or HBO Max.
Steven Spielberg brings the classic musical to the big and/or small screen, to the delight of both older fans and newer ones who get to experience it all for the first time. Get in there. Really let the experience wash over you. Sing along. Dance around your living room. Get in a knife fight with your sworn enemy. Okay, maybe not that last one. But the other ones, definitely. Watch it on Disney Plus.
In Domee Shi’s Turning Red, a boy band-loving teenage girl turns into a red panda whenever she experiences strong emotions, which as every parent of a teenager knows all too well, is often. Too often. It’s all the time, really. Turning Red is being called Pixar’s best movie in years, as it should. It’s about time red pandas got the cinematic showcase they deserve. Watch it on Disney Plus.
Deep Water is an erotic thriller that stars Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas as… honestly, what more do you need? It’s a “weird, wild mess” of a movie from the director of Fatal Attraction and Unfaithful, with a murder mystery, duplicitous characters, and Affleck as an alpha cuck. Deep Water is the kind of sleazy mainstream movie that rarely gets made anymore, so it feels like a sexy treat that it even exists (from Disney, no less). Break out your Ana de Armas cardboard cutout and make it a double feature with Basic Instinct.Watch it on Hulu.
It is wild to think about how long Tony Hawk has been a figure in American pop culture. It is also wild to watch a full-length documentary about it, which is good and notable here because HBO made one. The whole thing is fascinating, the way the guy whose name is synonymous with skateboarding at this point is still doing it and does not plan to stop, and the way he’s built a career and lifestyle out of the thing he loved doing as a kid. It’s cool. And a good watch. Crank up “Superman” by Goldfinger and give it a run. Watch it on HBO Max.
3. Apollo 10 1/2: A Space-Aged Childhood (Netflix)
NETFLIX
Apollo 10½: A Space Age Childhood is loosely inspired by director Richard Linklater’s childhood in Texas. The coming-of-age animated film (think: Waking Life and A Scanner Darkly, but more nostalgic) is set during the summer of the Moon landing, and features performances from Glen Powell, Zachary Levi, and Jack Black. Linklater brings out the best in Black (he’s fantastic in both School of Rock and Bernie), and Apollo 10½: A Space Age Childhood looks to be no exception. Watch it on Netflix.
Judd Apatow’s The Bubble is a pandemic-era movie about making a movie during the pandemic. We’re through the looking glass, people. The comedy, which stars Karen Gillan, David Duchovny, Keegan-Michael Key, Pedro Pascal, and Borat Subsequent Moviefilm breakout Maria Bakalova, was produced like a “two-hour Simpsons episode,” according to Apatow, and reportedly inspired by the production of Jurassic World Dominion. If enough people watch it on Netflix, maybe we’ll get a full-length Cliff Beasts 6: The Battle For Everest movie. Watch it on Netflix.
1. Metal Lords (Netflix)
NETFLIX
Game Of Thrones HBO co-creator D.B. Weiss wrote this little ditty while teaming up with Rage Against The Machine axeman Tom Morello as a love letter to the metal genre. The story revolves around two high-schoolers who seek the ultimate glory and win contests and be gods, and so on. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find a bassist when Black Sabbath isn’t as popular with the kids as Justin Bieber is. The struggle is real.
You might think that Vanessa Hudgens‘ gift is starring in Christmas movies for Netflix, but you would be wrong. Her gift is communicating with the undead spirit world, thank you very much. Hudgens revealed her paranormal abilities to Kelly Clarkson earlier this week, and it sounds like something we’re going to hear a lot more of from Hudgens. Just like she’ll be hearing from the ghosts she talks to.
“I’ve accepted the fact that I see things and I hear things,” Hudgens told Clarkson. “I kind of shut it down for a while [because] the unknown is scary. But I recently was like, ‘No, this is a gift and something that I have the ability to do, so I’m going to lean into it.’”
According to Hudgens, she had a paranormal experience when she was eight-years-old and saw one of those duck pull-toys move on its own. Naturally, that freaked her out and she repressed her abilities until recently. Thanks to the aid of a “spirit box,” Hudgens can now be found in graveyards communicating with the dead. Via Us Weekly:
“We found this one tombstone of a spirit that we were told is very playful,” she said. “So, I turn on [the spirit box] and I said, ‘Hi Sam, I’m Vanessa [and] this is Gigi’ … And then Gigi goes, ‘Sam, can you tell us our names?’ Then we just hear ‘Vanessa’ [static sounds] ‘Gigi.’ I was like, ‘Cool, do you have anything else that you want to tell me?’”
While Sam the ghost did not have anything else to add to the conversation, Hudgens noted that you “have to tell spirits to stay” otherwise they can follow you.
So Vanessa Hudgens is going around waking up ghosts, and then telling them, no, they can’t hang out with her? Seems kinda rude. Terrifying, but rude.
Today, in 2022, there are both subtle and not-so-subtle ways for people to signal that you stand with Nazism. Arizona Rep. Paul Gosar chose the latter. On Wednesday, The Arizona Mirror reported that the Grand Canyon State congressman/all-around monster was set to be fêted as a special guest of the American Populist Union, a white nationalist organization, on a very special occasion (well, if you’re a white nationalist): Hitler’s birthday.
While Gosar’s team pled ignorance when asked about the congressman’s plans for what would’ve been Adolf’s 133rd birthday, the 63-year-old Republican must have forgotten that there’s this little thing called Instagram. And that when Gosar promoted his upcoming appearance at the event via an Instagram story, people, you know, saw it. And took note.
While Gosar’s office did not respond to the Mirror’s several requests for comments about his attendance at the event before publishing the story, they did reach out once the story was live—to deny it. As Jerod Macdonald-Evoy wrote:
“After this story was published, Gosar’s campaign consultant told the Arizona Mirror that the congressman would not be attending the white nationalist group’s event on April 20. Instead, he said Gosar had a ‘farm tour’ scheduled for that day. Rory McShane said that American Populist Union never contacted Gosar or his campaign.”
The American Populist Union similarly ignored the Mirror’s requests for comments ahead of publication, but had plenty to say afterwards:
American Populist Union did not respond to requests for comment before this article was published. Several hours later, its chairman, Vince Dao, sent a statement denying any “ties or loyalties to white nationalism or Neo-Nazism,” and he said his team did not know it was planning an event on Hitler’s birthday.
“We chose the date April 20 based on venue pricing, availability, and logistics — and nothing more. Venues tend to be easier to acquire on weekdays, which is why we ended up with the date. Our team was not even aware that April 20 was Hitler’s birthday, and we were not intending to honor or acknowledge Hitler or Nazism in any way,” Dao said.
It is, of course, worth noting that Gosar has reportedly had a complicated issue with the truth in the past. In just the past year, some of his own nine siblings have called for his expulsion from Congress, endorsed his opponent, and/or branded him an outright “sociopath.” Which likely means none of Gosar’s brothers or sisters will be joining him in a chorus of “Happy Birthday der Führer.”
Back in 2021, Avril Lavigne and Mod Sun (real name Derek Ryan Smith) reportedly started dating after working on music together; Lavigne featured on Mod Sun’s 2021 album Internet Killed The Rockstar, while Mod Son co-wrote and/or produced most of the songs on Lavigne’s new album Love Sux. Now, they’re taking things to the next level as Lavigne announced today she and Mod Sun are engaged.
This afternoon, Lavigne shared an Instagram photo gallery that starts with Mod Sun on one knee in front of Lavigne with the Eiffel Tower in the background. Other photos from the gallery show off Lavigne’s ring and other moments from their Paris trip. She captioned her post, “Oui! Je t’aime pour toujours [heart emoji] [ring emoji] [champagne glasses emoji]. Dimanche. 27. Mars. 2022.” That translates to, “Yes! I love you forever. Sunday. 27. March. 2022.”
Mod Sun commented on the post, “I love u so much! Forever n ever my angel.”
He also shared a post of his own, a poem that reads, “The day we met I knew you were the one. / Together forever til our days are done. / I had a dream where I proposed in paris. / I pulled out a ring + asked you to wear it. / I was on one knee as I looked in your eyes. / You’re too beautiful for my words to describe. / I grabbed your hand + took one last breath… / I said ‘will you marry me?’ + she said ‘yes’. / I love you Avril [heart emoji].”
This will be Lavigne’s third marriage, as she was previously married to Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley from 2006 to 2010 and to Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger from 2013 to 2015. As for Mod Sun, he was previously married to Bella Thorne.
“You don’t hit people over a joke, however bad it is. And it wasn’t bad! That was like the tamest joke I would ever have told,” The Office co-creator said during a live Q&A session on Twitter that he recently shared to his TikTok account. Gervais believes people are overreacting to Rock’s G.I. Jane crack about Jada Pinkett Smith. “Someone said it was joking about her disability,” he continued before snickering. “Well, I’m going a bit thin. So I’m disabled. That means I can park right up next to [British supermarket] Tesco now. And I’m fat. That’s a disease, isn’t it? I’m fat and balding. I should get f*cking benefits.”
Gervais’ comments sparked a spirited discussion under his post. While there appeared to be general agreement that it was not a disability, there were disagreements over whether alopecia should be seen as something to be mocked. “I agree Will shouldn’t have slapped Chris but you need to understand how emotionally important a woman’s hair is; it is devastating to lose it,” said one of the star’s followers.
For someone who supposedly doesn’t care about pop culture…
Something is going on at Chipotle. In addition to the fast-casual chain’s five permanent protein options, the brand has introduced a new smoked brisket, plant-based chorizo, and most recently, a new pollo asado all in the last six months. That’s the biggest shake-up of the Chipotle menu in the chain’s history.
We used to get stuff like queso and… food poisoning. Now we’re actually getting exciting new offerings!
While the brisket and plant-based chorizo options were only available for a limited time, it seems to us that Chipotle is actively testing the waters to see which of these new protein options stick. And, as someone who has eaten them all, I have a pretty strong opinion on the matter. So I’m ranking all of the Chipotle proteins against one another. Because Chipotle’s menu is customizable we’ve made sure to base our tasting notes on how these proteins taste completely plain — no salsa, no sour cream, nothing that would enhance or mask the flavors in any way.
It’s a truly unenjoyable way to eat fast food, but we do it for you! Here are the best Chipotle protein options, ranked from worst to best.
9. Sofritas
Dane Rivera
Calories: 150
Protein: 8g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Permanent, and while I think it’s Chipotle’s worst protein option, I kind of think it deserves that permanent status. This needs a reformulation for sure though.
Tasting Notes:
I feel bad about ranking Chipotle’s only plant-based protein option last, but…it is what it is. I will say that when it comes to flavor, the sofritas aren’t half bad. They have a great blend of peppery and cumin-dominant flavors that really cut nicely through your burrito add-ons and give you that savory meat vibe. If you’re a vegetarian, this is a great meat substitute. Don’t feel bad about ordering it or think of it as an excuse to skip Chipotle entirely.
What I don’t like about the Sofritas is everything else.
First of all, they’re incredibly wet. So wet that they will soak through your tortilla, which can totally ruin your meal. Aside from the wetness, the sofritas also have a terrible mouthfeel, the tofu is really chunky and chewy to the point of distraction, and it becomes very obvious that you’re not eating meat. In a loaded burrito or bowl there are enough other ingredients going on that you aren’t going to notice that mouthfeel, but in something like a taco, you won’t be able to ignore it.
Perhaps more importantly, because the sofritas are also Chipotle’s least popular meat option, they are almost always served a little stale and lukewarm. That doesn’t do any favors to the experience.
The Bottom Line:
If you don’t abstain from eating meat, there is no reason to ever order the sofritas. It isn’t the flavor that’s the problem it’s the wet consistency and the awful rubbery mouthfeel that are the problems.
8. Carnitas
Carnitas
Calories: 210
Protein: 23g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Somehow permanent despite being oh so bad. Please Chipotle we’re begging you, drop the Carnitas to make room for one of the new limited-time protein options, they’re all leagues better than this stuff.
Tasting Notes:
I’ve heard people swear by the carnitas at Chipotle, and I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Chipotle carnitas are not “real” or “proper,” but these are without a doubt consistently the worst carnitas I’ve ever had. So if you love the carnitas, sorry, but you have bad taste in carnitas — you’re playing on my homecourt here and I’m telling you: not good.
Where to start with these things? They’re dry, over-salted, and so fatty-sinewy that you’ll constantly be picking sh*t out of your mouth because it’ll end up sticking around even after you’ve already swallowed the rest of your food. What makes carnitas special is the slow-cooking, this helps the pork reach a level of tender juiciness that is downright orgasmic. Flavors of cumin, oregano, salt, and pepper are supposed to dance across the tongue with each bite.
Chipotle’s carnitas has none of that.
The juicy tenderness is replaced with a bone-dry texture that enables you to feel each strand of pork in your mouth as you chew through it. The earthy flavors of cumin and oregano are instead replaced with a small ocean’s-worth of salt. I’m almost amazed that Chipotle could fail at carnitas this hard. If you told me this was Taco Bell’s new meat, I’d believe it.
The Bottom Line:
When people say “Chipotle isn’t real Mexican food” it’s because they’re offended by this poor excuse for carnitas.
7. Guacamole
Dane Rivera
Calories: 360
Protein: 2g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Permanent, and if it was ever limited it might cause a damn riot.
Tasting Notes:
Does guacamole count as a protein option at Chipotle? Not in the “protein” sense, no. But we’re using the phrase to mean: “main item featured in an entree” and in that sense, it certainly fits the bill. So what the hell, we’ve decided to include it!
People go nuts for Chipotle’s guacamole, and if you’re comparing it to Taco Bell and Del Taco guac, sure, it’s pretty good. But nothing worth obsessing over. This is pretty standard stuff at every Mexican joint in California, and if anything Chipotle goes a little heavy with the onion here.
Aside from the dominant flavor of red onions, we have some consistently ripe avocado here acting as our base, mixed with lime juice (a little too much — someone on Chipotle’s board must be heavily invested in lime groves), cilantro, and diced jalapeno bits throughout. The diced jalapeno is my favorite feature, it adds a nice subtle kick that lingers on the palate after each bite and leaves you wanting more. It’s a great trick, and I wish they would’ve focused more on the peppers than the onion, but I get that they’ve got to please the average consumer who probably can’t handle the spice.
The Bottom Line:
Chipotle’s guacamole is astoundingly consistent. I’ve yet to have a serving that tastes like it was using over or under-ripened avocados, and though this is more onion-dominant than I like, I’d still order a veggie burrito over getting the sofritas and carnitas — so we’re ranking this higher.
Even though it’s not really a protein option.
6. Plant-Based Chorizo
Dane Rivera
Calories: 220
Protein: 16g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Plant-Based Chorizo was only available for a limited time, sadly.
Tasting Notes:
It doesn’t have that savory mouth-watering senses-tingling quality that you get from real chorizo, but this plant-based chorizo gets all of the flavors right. So if you love chorizo but recently adopted a more meatless lifestyle, you’re going to dig on this stuff. It’s also a significant step up from the tofu-based sofritas.
Smokey paprika dominates the flavor with a nice gentle sizzling on the back end. I wouldn’t call it spicy, though — so if you have a low tolerance don’t worry, it’s not going to produce any sweat on your brow.
Its only real weakness is the texture. It’s dry, crumbly, and a bit of a chore to chew through when you have a mouthful. That’s really only a problem if you like extra “meat” though, if you’re sticking with Chipotle’s typical two-spoon serving, it’s not noticeable enough to really be an issue.
The Bottom Line:
Chipotle needs to make this a permanent menu item. If that means ditching the sofritas to make room for plant-based chorizo, do it! But it’s 2022 Chipotle, I think we can all handle more than a single plant-based option on the menu.
Give the meatless the spice of variety!
5. Steak
Dane Rivera
Calories: 150
Protein: 21g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Permanent, unfortunately. It’s… fine, but Chipotle already has a much better beef option on the menu so this feels like doubling-down where Chipotle doesn’t need to. I’d happily see this replaced by Chipotle’s limited time only smoked brisket.
Tasting Notes:
Chipotle’s steak is probably the most frustrating meat option the chain has on offer. On the one hand, when it’s good it’s great — tender chunks of medium-cooked steak with a perfect caramelized outer and a simple seasoning blend of salt, black pepper, cumin, and finished with what I’m assuming is butter to help achieve that crunchy glaze. But when it’s bad — which, unfortunately, is most of the time in my experience — it’s grainy, chewy, and tough. An absolute chore to eat.
So my advice is to give the steak a good look when you’re ordering it, if it glistens with rising ribbons of steam like in the photo above, get it — it’ll be excellent. But if it looks like it’s been sitting around for a while and they’re about to change it up with a new batch, ditch it because you might as well be eating rocks.
The Bottom Line:
Because of its hit-or-miss quality, we’re sadly ranking this delicious option in fifth place. That’s not even medal-worthy.
4. Chicken
Dane Rivera
Calories: 180
Protein: 32g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Until recently, this has been Chipotle’s only chicken option in its 29-year history. That’s pretty nuts. As good as it is, I’m not sure it deserves permanent menu status over the newer recipe. If we had to choose one, it’s not going to be this.
Tasting Notes:
Chipotle’s chicken doesn’t suffer from the same consistency issues that plague the steak. Even when the chicken has been sitting in the bin for a while, it’s still packed with flavor. The only thing you lose with time here is how hot the meat is, and considering you’re eating at Chipotle I’m just going to assume you don’t care about whether your food is hot or not. Because at Chipotle it rarely is.
Chipotle’s chicken is flame-grilled and features a flavor profile that is dominated by the smokey qualities of ancho chilis and the savory zest of adobo sauce. I have no doubt the restaurant spends a good amount of time marinating this meat. Because Chipotle uses grilled chicken thigh rather than breast, each bite is juicy and tender, never suffering from the dry tendencies of over-cooked white meat. If you’re wincing at the idea of dark meat over white, you must hate flavor. Just kidding (kind of), but if chewy fat generally keeps you away from ordering dark meat, that’s not a problem here. The meat is still remarkably lean, you almost can’t tell it’s dark meat aside from the fact that it’s so consistently tasty with each bite.
The Bottom Line:
Flavorful, juicy, and most importantly, consistent. It’s hard to get a bad serving of chicken at Chipotle. If this is your first time, this is your second best meat for a positive experience overall. If you want the best experience, go with our number one choice while you still can.
3. Smoked Brisket
Dane Rivera
Calories: 360
Protein: 22g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Chipotle’s Smoked Brisket was available for a limited time in September and October of last year. It is leagues better than Chipotle’s steak and deserves a permanent menu spot.
Tasting Notes:
The Smoked Brisket is slow-smoked for 10-16 hours and features a mouthwatering mix of smokey and sweet flavor notes. It’s tender, with a smooth butter-like consistency in the chew, and is dominated by a mix of garlic, paprika, cumin, and various peppers, from black to chipotle. It’s not going to rival the best brisket at a BBQ joint, but in the fast food space, you’ll rarely find anything this tender and flavorful.
A definite winner in Chipotle’s line-up and welcome addition to the menu.
The Bottom Line:
Please bring this one back, Chipotle! It packs so much more flavor than that often tough and dry steak option that Chipotle keeps on the menu permanently.
2. Barbacoa
Dane Rivera
Calories: 170
Protein: 24g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Permanent.
Tasting Notes:
The strength of this meat is in its insanely tender texture — each bite bursts with juicy savory goodness. For this barbacoa, Chipotle uses shoulder-cut meat, (rather than the more traditional cabeza) which keeps it tender, helping to soak up Chipotle’s marinade, which it spends overnight bathing in. Putting in that extra time marinating really helps this meat soar above the rest of Chipotle’s options, and while I miss the silky sumptuous qualities that I’ve come to expect from traditional barbacoa, this comes way closer than I’d expect a national chain to ever get to the real thing.
The barbacoa is dominated by the earthy notes of oregano and cloves, I’m also getting a bit of bay leaf in there and Chipotle’s usual pepper and adobo-forward flavor. It works great in each of Chipotle meal form factors, whether you’re crunching on tacos, putting together an epic burrito, or you’re looking for the best salad of your life.
The Bottom Line:
On most days, Chipotle’s most flavorful protein and almost as good as the traditional barbacoa you’ll get at a classic SoCal taqueria. Almost. Seriously, if you’ve ever left Chipotle thinking the chain is seriously lacking in flavor, you must not have tried the barbacoa yet.
1. Pollo Asado
Chipotle
Calories: 210
Protein: 22g
Permanent Menu or Limited?
Pollo Asado are currently available for a limited time. We kind of expect this one to be a lock for menu inclusion though, it’s far and above the best Chipotle protein.
Tasting Notes:
Here we are at our number one choice, the new Pollo Asado. It’s the chain’s first new chicken recipe in 29 years, to which we say, “what the fuck took so long, Chipotle?” The Pollo Asado is delicious, it’s smoky, spicy, tender, and juicy with an appetizing red color. The chicken is cooked whole and then chopped, which helps it to retain its juiciness, and it’s noticeably more tender than Chipotle’s original chicken option.
The flavors wash over the palate in waves, and black peppercorns and oregano tumble into a waltz of zesty citrus and gently spicy notes, accentuated by a touch of fresh cilantro that adds a depth of flavor that most other Chipotle proteins lack. There isn’t a Chipotle build that this chicken won’t shine in, whether you’re all about the burrito, bowl, salad, or taco, Pollo Asado is the ideal choice.
If you’ve never been a fan of Chipotle (weird that you’re here), go off menu and ask for the Pollo Asado in a quesadilla and prepare to get your mind blown. You’ll forget that you’re eating at Chipotle, this stuff is that flavorful.
The Bottom Line:
Chipotle would have to be insane to not put this on their menu permanently. The Barbacoa has always been the juiciest and most tender Chipotle protein, and it’s still the juiciest, but the pollo asado is equally tender, and much more savory. It’s perfectly marinated in a blend of zesty citrus and earthy achiote and black pepper, which truly makes it taste like nothing else at Chipotle.
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