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If you aren’t already following “Weird Al” Yankovic on Twitter, first off, how dare you. Also, you really should, because he’s been posting photos from the set of Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, a tongue-in-cheek biopic coming to The Roku Channel that “promises to hold nothing back and explore every facet of his life, from his childhood through his meteoric rise to fame with early hits like ‘Eat It’ and ‘Like a Surgeon,’ while touching on his torrid celebrity love affairs and famously depraved lifestyle.” Here’s a sample tweet:

An exciting day two update:

Things got real on day four when Yankovic tweeted, “SHOOT DAY #4: Breaking news – @Zendaya is NOT joining the cast of #WEIRDTheAlYankovicStory! We didn’t even ask her! Just figured she’d be too busy.” But you know who has joined the cast? “Cosplayer weirdo” Daniel Radcliffe, who plays the “Smells like Nirvana” singer in Weird.

The following photo is not from The Batman, I swear:

“Wearing the Hawaiian shirt is a huge responsibility that I don’t take lightly,” the Harry Potter star told People, “and I’m honored to finally share with the world the absolutely 100 percent unassailably true story of Weird Al’s depraved and scandalous life.”

You won’t believe what this sicko “Weird Al” did in his college bathroom (record “My Bologna”).

(Via People)

Evan Rachel Wood’s advocacy for sexual assault survivors took a turn after she came forward in 2021 to name Marilyn Manson (real name Brian Warner) as the alleged abuser that she had discussed for several years, including during legislative testimony. In director Amy Berg’s two-part documentary, Phoenix Rising (which debuted at Sundance), the Westworld actress elaborates upon her previous allegations (that Manson terrorized, groomed, and abused her during their relationship) against him.

The documentary will soon debut on HBO, and in the above trailer, you can watch Evan discuss how grateful she is to feel that people believe her allegations. The documentary seeks to bring visibility to survivors of domestic and sexual abuse. From the synopsis:

PHOENIX RISING, a two-part HBO documentary, follows actress and activist Evan Rachel Wood as she takes her experience as a survivor of domestic violence to pursue justice, heal generational wounds and reclaim her story. Almost a decade after escaping a dangerous relationship, Wood co-authors and successfully lobbies for passage of The Phoenix Act, legislation that extends the statute of limitations for domestic violence cases in California.

Within the documentary, Wood accuses Manson of “essentially raping” her on the set of 2007’s Heart-Shaped Glasses video, in which she says that she agreed to simulate sex before Manson allegedly had nonconsensual intercourse with her on camera. In a later statement, Manson denied the accusations via a representative, who declared, “Brian did not have sex with Evan on that set.”

Phoenix Rising premieres (on HBO) on March 15 and 16.

Earlier this month, Kylie Jenner announced she had given birth to her and Travis Scott’s second child together. Shortly after that, she revealed the kid’s name is Wolf Webster (Scott’s legal name is Jacques Berman Webster II). Now, it appears the little bundle of joy shares more with his father than just the last name.

TMZ reports in a birth certificate they obtained, the baby’s full name is written as Wolf Jacques Webster, with Jacques being, as noted above, Scott’s legal first name. The document also notes the boy was born at Cedars Sinai Medical Center on February 2 at 5:35 a.m. PT. The sheet also reveals the baby was delivered by Dr. Thais Aliabadi, why TMZ notes is the same OBGYN who delivered Wolf’s older sister Stormi and cousin True Thompson (the daughter of Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson) into the world. They also note that Wolf is different from Stormi in that Stormi’s birth certificate doesn’t include a middle name.

As for what Wolf looks like, fans have only caught a glimpse. Jenner shared a photo of Wolf’s hand when announcing his name, but that’s all we’ve seen of the little one so far. Stormi’s face has been seen online plenty of times in her short life, so it seems just a matter of time before fans get to see Wolf’s mug.

It’s Shamrock Shake season, baby!

Yesterday, McDonald’s brought back its annual St. Patrick’s Day-themed sweet treat for a limited time and that has us pretty psyched. Not because of the fact that for the next month it’ll be socially acceptable to drink a green milkshake, but because of what the Shamrock Shake signifies. The (s)lime green shake is a symbol that winter is coming to an end and we’re about to transition to the spring season — meaning more time outdoors, on the road, and amongst friends. Few things illustrate the ending of the dull sleepy months of winter like sipping a crayon green milkshake.

The Shamrock Shake, like the McRib or pumpkin spice flavored foods, benefits from seasonal hype. But is that hype actually justified? Is this thing any good or is it just… green?

We’re here to find out for you. But the Shamrock Shake isn’t the only new dessert on the menu — McDonald’s has also dropped a Shamrock McFlurry. So, in the spirit of competition, we’re pitting the two snacks against one another to see which is more worth your time and money. Do you stand by the old classic or throw it all away for that hot new thing?

Below, we break down each dessert, awarding a score from 1-5 for flavor, mouthfeel, and thickness. Let’s drink!

Shamrock Showdown: The Shamrock Shake vs. The Shamrock McFlurry

The Shamrock Shake

Tasting Notes:

We’re starting this fast food face-off with the OG. If you’ve never had a Shamrock Shake but you’re assuming that because it’s green it’s minty, you’re correct! Mint is the primary flavor of the Shamrock Shake. It’s cool and refreshing on the initial taste and settles into a slightly watered-down vanilla finish. The flavor is very reminiscent of green sweet stripes candy (wintergreen, but sweeter), so if your grandpa has ever given you candy, you’re about halfway there in terms of the flavor experience.

Here is the thing about McDonald’s milkshakes though… they aren’t actually milkshakes. When I say that I don’t mean in some weird arbitrary “not thicccccc enough” way. I’m not going to slap a Shamrock Shake out of your hand and say “that’s not a milkshake, this is a milkshake” while handing you a shake from Carl’s Jr (though I think I just wrote Carl’s Jr a free Super Bowl commercial).

I mean they’re not milkshakes. Legally.

That’s right, McDonald’s milkshakes aren’t allowed to be called milkshakes by law, as per Business Insider. In actuality the McDonald’s milkshake is soft-serve ice cream thinned out with something called “shake syrup” and whipped cream. In the Shamrock Shake’s case, they also add some minty green syrup. That messes with the mouthfeel. Where a traditional milkshake has a balance of thick and creamy qualities, the McDonald’s milkshake is airy, thin, and way too easy to drink out of a straw.

Flavor: 3. Minty, sweet, with a watery vanilla finish.

Mouthfeel: 3. It has a luxurious smoothness to it, but once it melts it feels like sweetened skim milk on the tongue. It’s also one of the easiest milkshakes to sip through a straw. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is up to you. We think it’s a bad thing.

Thickness: 2. It’s not thick, which a good shake should be. Instead, it’s thin and airy like it was frothed up in a blender.

Final Score: 8/15

The Shamrock McFlurry

Tasting Notes:

The Shamrock McFlurry was only introduced two years ago, so if you’ve never had one, we don’t blame you. This was also my first introduction to the Shamrock McFlurry and it was, by all metrics, a significant improvement over the middling quality of the Shamrock Shake. (Spoiler? Can you spoil fast food reviews?)

The Shamrock McFlurry improves upon everything that’s wrong with the shake version. It has that same mint-dominated vanilla flavor, so if you’re nostalgic for the Shamrock Shake, you’re still going to love this, but it’s greatly improved by the inclusion of the crushed Oreo cookies. The overwhelming minty sweetness of the green syrup & vanilla combo is reigned in with that dusty sweet dark chocolate flavor of Oreo cookies, adding richness to the experience. It’s got the texture of mint chocolate chip ice cream and the flavor of an Andes Mint.

It’s also much, much thicker than the shake. It’s essentially a mountain of soft serve in a cup, and isn’t thinned out by the mysterious “shake syrup” and it’s much easier to throw in the freezer and save for later if you get overwhelmed with the single serving.

The chunks of Oreos also improve the mouthfeel, adding some much-needed texture to this spoonable snack. Sure, you can’t drink it through a straw, but it’s easier to share, easier to save, and a better overall experience.

Flavor: 4. If you like the luxurious flavor of Andes Mints, and the texture of cookies and cream ice cream, you’re going to love this.

Mouthfeel: 5. Fantastic. It’s creamy and crunchy, but still capable of melting in your mouth if you want to savor the sweetness.

Thickness: 4. It’s not a milkshake, a spoon is an absolute must here. That makes it a bit less convenient, you’ll need two hands to eat this without making a mess, but it’s all-around a better treat.

Final Score 14.

Today’s Winner: The Shamrock McFlurry

Order the Shamrock McFlurry. Even with this poor mix quality, it has a better flavor, a better mouthfeel, it’s thicker, and it sounds like a villain from a Ducktails arc. It’s not the best milkshake or dessert snack you’ll find in the fast food universe (which is why it doesn’t get a perfect score) but it’s capable of earning a top-five spot in a fast food dessert ranking, while the Shamrock Shake that inspired it is middling at best.

The Shamrock Shake and Shamrock McFlurry are available at all McDonald’s nationwide for an unspecified limited time. Find your nearest McDonald’s here.

I’m not sure if anyone explained to Mesha Collins how this “stalker” thing works, but it looks like she’s got at least some of the details backward. According to Radar Online, Los Angeles Superior Court documents show that Collins, who broke into Drake’s house in LA and apparently stole bottles of water, Pepsi, and Sprite in 2017, has now filed a petition for a restraining order against the rapper — this just days after a judge denied a motion to restart a $4 billion lawsuit she filed against him for invasion of privacy.

And as far as that restraining order goes, it seems that Drake is the one who needs to file against Collins. She reportedly returned to his house on multiple occasions, including one in which she was arrested for spitting on police officers who responded to security’s call for assistance. However, her luck and timing are apparently as bad as her grasp of boundaries; Drake wasn’t home either time she trespassed on his property.

Meanwhile, in summer 2021, Collins apparently filed the $4 billion claim against Drake without a lawyer, claiming that he shared private information about her in songs and defamed her by sharing her private information on Instagram. However, Drake reportedly never had any clue who Collins even was (apparently, he was never given the name of the woman who rifled through his fridge like a rabid raccoon), and Collins was unable to prove he’d ever posted anything about her, prompting a judge to dismiss the case. In her ongoing quest to meet her hero, it seems Collins is now betting a little reverse psychology will work where none of her previous efforts did.

Joe Wright has directed movies that have led to Academy Award nominations for Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice, Saoirse Ronan in Atonement, then Gary Oldman, who won for Darkest Hour. (A case can be made for quite a few more.) Wright’s movies have a way of putting the actor at the forefront, clearing the way for accolades. Which is certainly what should have happened for Peter Dinklage playing the title role of Cyrano de Bergerac in Cyrano. Dinklage gives one of the best performances of the past year (can anyone emote quite like Peter Dinklage?), yet, when Oscar nominations were announced, it wasn’t to be.

But that doesn’t stop Wright from still giving Dinklage a heap of praise for this performance. And with Cyrano … finally hitting theaters in wide release (the date had been pushed more than once due to various Covid surges), hopefully audiences, now, will also get to see one of the best performances of the last year.

But then there’s Wright, too, who is on a kind of redemption tour after the poor response to his prior film, The Woman in the Window. His film before that, Darkest Hour, was nominated for Best Picture and, as said, garnered Gary Oldman an Oscar. How does one get himself in a situation like The Woman in the Window? As Wright says, even directors of Oscar-nominated films don’t always have the power to go against test audiences. Thankfully, as Wright explains, he had a lot more control over Cyrano. And, because of circumstances due to the pandemic, has a terrific story about Ben Mendelsohn’s audition.

I didn’t want to start with something negative, but I was stunned when Peter didn’t get nominated because I think he gives one of the best performances of the last year. And I don’t understand what happened.

No, neither do I. But it’s okay. We made these films for the cinema-going public. And I’m excited for people to get to experience his performance because I think it’s an exquisite and extraordinary performance.

You obviously we have directed people who have been nominated for awards. Can you tell? Can you tell when a performance is going this well?

I know it’s good when I start leaning in.

I see.

If I’m there and I sit beside the camera, the camera’s there and if I’m there and I start leaning in like that. Then I know there’s something going on that’s really good. And I just want to know what happens next and I’m almost an audience member myself. If I sit there and I’m not leaning in, then I know that I’ve got a problem.

But I would assume on most of your movies you’re leaning in? I can maybe think of a couple where you weren’t.

No, I’m lucky. I am. Most of my movies I’m moving in. Yeah.

Now, I imagine with this one, you’re leaning in most of the movie?

I mean, it was a joy to work with Pete and Hailey and Kelvin who really blew me away and get back together with Ben Mendelsohn. It was a real pleasure.

I love Ben Mendelsohn. I just think he’s one of the best people.

He is one of the best.

From my side of things, I remember when I saw Captain Marvel and he wasn’t doing press because he was filming a movie. I emailed his publicist and told her I’d love to talk to him. Ben calls literally ten minutes later. Just, “Hey, I’m free right now. You want to talk?” Nobody does that.

A good story about Ben is, well, everyone was in lockdown when we were casting. And I thought, I wonder if Ben can sing? So I texted him, I had his number from Darkest Hour. I texted him and I said, “Ben, can you sing?” And he texted back, “Can I sing?” Question mark. And then there was nothing else. Then, ten minutes later, I got texted a video that he shot of himself on his iPhone, singing this big-voiced Tom Jones number. But completely improvised, not a real song or anything.

So Tom Jones style?

Yeah. His own lyrics, his own melody. Whatever it was, it was extraordinary. And so I just texted back. “Yep. You can sing.” And that was the casting process with Ben.

So that was his audition? Just a text that said, “Can you sing?”

Yeah.

Nothing before? Just out of the blue?

Yeah, just that, literally just that.

You didn’t tell him what the movie was, anything?

No, no. Can you sing?

That’s fantastic. And he can.

Oh yeah.

This movie kept getting pushed back. It’s no one’s fault, but that had to be frustrating…

It’s been interesting, but I’m really impressed by MGM and UAR the way they have kept faith with the movie and kept faith with the theatrical experience, frankly. And positioned it, believing that when the time is ripe, people will go back to the cinemas. And I think they were proved right with the Bond movie, and hopefully they’ll be proved right with this.

So what are your expectations of what people are bringing into Cyrano before they see this version? The average person? Also, I am the average person. The thing I knew the most was the Steve Martin movie, Roxanne.

Oh yeah. I think that’s probably true. I think that’s probably what most people know. But I think I’m always amazed, impressed by how people know about this stuff, this classic literature. And so they do come with a high level of knowledge of the material. And I think, hopefully, this will bring, give them a new experience of the material and has an authenticity and a modernity to it. And so that’s what I’m hoping for.

Was it a tough sell? Because it feels like these kinds of movies are really hard to get made right now.

They are.

Especially when you add in it’s going to be a musical.

I know. It’s crazy. I mean, I really do think MGM might be the only people crazy enough to make this kind of movie at the moment. And their belief in adult cinema – that’s not to say that kids won’t enjoy the movie, too – but their belief in an adult audience and original material is really impressive, I have to say. They’re betting on a future of theatrical cinema, because if they don’t, if you don’t bet for a future of cinema, then you’re betting against it. And then you’re part of the problem.

You’ve mentioned Lady in the Window wasn’t the movie you wanted. But right before you just had a movie get nominated for Best Picture. How did you wind up in a position where you don’t have a say? That’s what I don’t understand.

Neither do I. No, listen…

I feel like people are going to give you a say? That’s what you do.

Yeah, the problem is that they have this thing called test screening. And that becomes the empirical truth. And it’s very hard to argue against focus grouping and test screenings.

This one, I feel you had more control over.

This one I had a lot more control over, absolutely.

And it comes out in the movie.

Well, it’s certainly one from the heart.

You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

Mura Masa put a bow on 2021 with his lone original track of the year in the sticky, glitchy “2gether.” It foreshadowed the third album from the Grammy winning and once-again-nominated producer, and now his first offering of 2021, “Bbycakes,” showcases an explosive spirit of collaboration.

Featuring vocals from British garage pop singer PinkPantheress, Philly rapper Lil Uzi Vert, and British rapper Shygirl, “Bbycakes” features a veritable all-star squad of talent. Released today, the track was tabbed as BBC Radio 1’s coveted “Hottest Record In The World” tag and with good reason. A pop song at its core, Mura Masa weaves in a cheery steel drum into a hyper-garage beat. Uzi’s flow, PinkPantheress’ hook, and Shygirl’s atmospheric inflections float so fluidly together, bringing together the best of what the four artists each bring to the table.

“I feel like ‘bbycakes’ is a future facing record,” Mura Masa’s Alex Crossan said in a statement. “Clashing U.K. with U.S., hard drill music with cute U.K. garage culture, underground with overground. Most of all it’s a mission statement for the vicarious and playful nature that I think popular music needs to be looking to in order to soundtrack those crucial moments of fun and hedonism in an increasingly cynical culture.”

It’s hard to to put a finger on what the future of music should sound like, but Crossan does it beautifully words and song. He says that excitement for the unknown is what inspires his next record and “Bbycakes” does it in spades.

Listen to “Bbycakes” above.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

While stopping by Late Night with Seth Meyers to promote Uncharted, the infamously loose-lipped Tom Holland may have spilled his biggest Marvel secret yet. Since we’re two months out from the film’s release, and it’s record-breaking box office, it’s not exactly a spoiler anymore that former Spider-Men Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield show up in the multiverse romp, Spider-Man: No Way Home. However, according to Holland, one of them was sporting some extra padding in the ol’ Spidey suit.

During Monday night’s Late Night episode, Holland revealed that one of his predecessors was packing a fake Spider-butt, and it’s safe to say, this information shakes the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe to its core. Namely because Holland never identifies the culprit, and you can’t just drop a bomb like this without details, man. C’mon. Via Mediaite:

“I’m not going to tell you who, but one of us has a fake ass in their suit.”

The revelation shocked Meyers, prompting Holland to challenge viewers to figure out which Spider-Man needed some extra cushioning.

“I remember being on set like, ‘Wow! Oh, hang on a minute. Nah, that’s not real,’” Holland added with a laugh.

Alright, let’s tackle this scientifically, but full disclosure, we’re operating purely from memory here because Maguire and Garfield’s presence was kept so under wraps that there are very few screenshots of them in the movie. And the ones that do exist do nothing for our butt investigation.

Tobey Maguire

As the oldest Spider-Man (sorry, Tobey) with the most amount of time since his Spandex days, there’s a chance that Maguire could’ve been insecure about his Spider-butt. Especially knowing that he’d be going against his old nemesis, Willem Dafoe’s Green Goblin, whose ample backside has been an internet meme for years. That puts pressure on a man, okay?

Andrew Garfield

Maybe it’s our hazy memory or the fact that Garfield never got the recognition he truly deserved as a pretty great Spider-Man, but we seem to recall him sporting some significant cakes in No Way Home. At the time they looked natural, but with this new information in the mix, we don’t know what to believe anymore.

Tom Holland

As the ancient proverb states, “Whoever smelt, dealt it.” Are we suggesting that Holland lives for the thrill of wearing a padded butt and convincing others that, actually, it’s his co-stars who needed the cheek enhancements? Maybe, just maybe…

(Via Mediaite)

The Ben Simmons saga in Philadelphia came to a merciful end earlier this month when he was traded to the Nets as the headliner of a package for Brooklyn’s very own disgruntled star, James Harden.

Simmons’ falling out with the Sixers has been documented time and again from seemingly every perspective, and once we get through March 10 when the Nets go to Philly for the two teams’ first matchup since the trade, we can hopefully move on from it all. This weekend, Joel Embiid sat down with Malika Andrews to discuss his season and that trade, both in how he felt about Simmons’ departure and his new teammate in Harden.

Embiid was fairly diplomatic, in that he said he believes Simmons will help take the Nets to another level, but also explained that he felt he tried to do everything he could to mend fences with Simmons and get him back, eventually getting to the point where “I didn’t care anymore.”

“I’d probably say a week or two before the trade deadline,” Embiid said about the last time he spoke to Simmons. “He’s a great player and I think whatever he’s gonna add to Brooklyn is gonna take them to another level too. I did a lot of chasing around, try to get him back and try to make him feel comfortable again. It was tough. I didn’t care anymore. … If I had pride, I’m outspoken and I’m honest, you know, I could’ve said a lot of stuff, but I still did whatever I thought was good to do as a teammate.”

It tracks with just about everything else Embiid has said dating back to training camp, when he told reporters their “job is not to babysit” Simmons while also noting that Simmons is a player that makes the Sixers better. The Sixers star and others wanted to visit LA this offseason to talk to Simmons but were told not to come, and it certainly seems that at that point, they decided to move on as best they could. The result has been an impressive 35-23 start to the season, good for third in the East with a real shot at a top seed if Harden gets on the floor at full strength this week as is being indicated.

As for the Nets, Simmons is expected to be back soon as well, and all parties can move forward for good, although they’ll still see each other plenty as divisional rivals now.

Back in August, The Daily Wire announced that they had wrapped production on their first original film, Shut In, a thriller from Disturbia director DJ Caruso. It was intriguing because while Shut In appears to be a straightforward thriller from an established director, The Daily Wire is the right wing media company co-founded by reactionary dorklet Ben Shapiro, whose nasal drone can be heard blaring from speakers all across the nation, railing against woke-nized Disney cartoons that he can hardly bear to jack off to anymore or whatever.

Of their movie offerings, Shapiro’s partner Jeremy Boreing assured Deadline in January of last year, “We will make great entertainment that all Americans can enjoy, regardless of their political views.”

Of course, he said this in the same breath as “If you’re fed-up with the cultural edicts of our country’s self-appointed moral overlords in Hollywood and legacy media, stay tuned,” and this convoluted, we’re-going-to-remain-apolitical-to-own-the-libs approach seems to define Shut In, a politically apolitical thriller at war with itself and appealing to no one.

Shut In stars Rainey Qualley — sister of The Leftovers star Margaret Qualley, daughter of Andie MacDowell, and a pop singer performing under the name Rainsford — and Vincent Gallo, an experimental director perhaps best known for shooting an unsimulated oral sex scene with Chloe Sevigny in Brown Bunny. Watching a movie starring a second-generation celebrity and the bad boy of 90s auteurism seemed like a weird way to stick it to Hollyweird, but at least it was a combination strange enough to be intriguing. I reached out for a screener via the email that kept sending me the Daily Wire’s press releases, but never received a response. Attempting to watch it the non-industry insider way, I went directly to the DailyWire site, where I was forced to click the “stand with us” button under a giant banner image of scowling nerds.

I narrowly avoided spending $144 on this movie, having to go back a page to toggle a slider to be billed “weekly” rather than “yearly.” In so doing, I missed out on a golden opportunity to own a truly iconic “leftist tears” tumbler.

If my goal had been to avoid having politics shoved down my throat like Jeremy Boreing claimed, so far it was going terribly.

As the movie begins, it becomes clear that, whatever else you might say about DJ Caruso, veteran director of xXx: The Return Of Xander Cage, I Am Number Four, Eagle Eye, Disturbia, and a legitimate favorite of mine, The Salton Sea, he does have a visual style. Which gives Shut In the flavor of a real Hollywood production, distinctly lacking the flat lighting and corny compositions that characterize your typical faith-based films, which are probably shot by someone who cut their teeth staging megachurch live shows.

The story, by first-time screenwriter Melanie Toast (whose name I can’t read without laughing) follows Jessica (Qualley), a struggling single mom in a skimpy tank top (Dear Penthouse…) who is newly sober and living in a rustic farmhouse she’s just inherited from her mother. She’s living there with her infant son and fantastically unhelpful daughter (this will become important later), Lainey, whose name Qualley will bellow throughout the film, really utilizing those pop music pipes. In fact, lots of this movie consists of characters operatically narrating their own actions. It’s a perfect movie for the blind.

Lainey, clearly drawn from the M. Night Shyamalan school of obnoxious children, spends most of her time collecting apples. She fills her pails with them, emptying them onto a great pile inside, where meemaw used to make apple butter. “Lainey, these apples are rotten,” Jessica tells her, over the fourth or fifth straight close-up of a rotten apple. Uh oh, my metaphor sense is tingling!

Soon Jessica manages to accidentally lock herself inside the pantry, and after about 10 straight minutes of Jessica inside, it started to dawn on me what I was watching: a good old-fashioned single-location thriller. That’s right, given the opportunity to finally stick it to those phony moralists in Hollywood, The Daily Wire’s first play was to finance a poor man’s 127 Hours or Buried (which already sucked). Did Hollywood really need help releasing middling thrillers in February?

Jessica spends the next 57 minutes of screen time inside the pantry. Meanwhile, her ex-husband (Jake Horowitz) shows up, accompanied by his meth buddy, a convicted child molester played by Vincent Gallo. At first, her ex-husband helps her, but soon they get in a fight and he puts her back in the pantry, nailing it shut for good measure. One of the nails goes through Jessica’s hand, and she looks down at her bloody hand, and then up at the crucifix nailed above the door, just to make sure we catch the symbolism. She also has a Bible in there with her.

Throughout the film, Shut In makes these overt Biblical allusions. Yet Christianity seems helpful only in the most utilitarian sense. Does Jessica escape by finding a higher power, learning to turn the other cheek, do unto others, etc? Nope, she uses the literal crucifix as a digging implement and finds hundred-dollar bills in the pages of the Bible. Shut In is almost as weird as it is incredibly boring.

Throughout, Jessica does utterly inexplicable things. When Vincent Gallo shows back up at the house, she tricks him into putting his hand under the door and then jams a screwdriver through his palm (Biblical reference??) and into the floor. Which pins him there, and herself next to a child molester for the foreseeable future. Later she sets him on fire. Which is to say, she sets the door of the wooden pantry she’s currently locked in on fire. Seems like a bad idea! Was it not Jesus who said “thou shalt not set fire to thine own highly flammable dwelling while locked inside of it, you moron?”

She manages to put out the fire after burning Vincent Gallo without torching the entire house with her and her kids inside it, which somehow also doesn’t weaken the wooden door any. Shut In is nothing if not logically inconsistent. Jessica first tries to dig under the floor (doesn’t the DOOR still seem like the path of least resistance here??) and finally manages to escape through the ceiling. In one shot she can barely reach the floor of the second story with her fingertips while standing on her tiptoes, and in the very next shot she has her entire torso through it with no explanation in between.

All the while she eats lots of apple butter. At one point, she reads an apparently meaningful Bible verse:

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”

So… are the false prophets wolves or fruit trees? They’re wolves… dressed as sheep… who also carry fruit? Apparently, there were no Biblical prohibitions on mixed metaphors. And as it applies to this movie: is it the child molester played by Vincent Gallo that is the bad fruit? Is the ex-husband the wolf, and Vincent Gallo the child molester is the fruit he bears with him? Or is the actual fruit tree that bears bad fruit the bad fruit? WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND FRUIT?!

All of which is to say that Shut In is boring, inconsistent, imbued with some kind of inscrutable code, and above all lazy, a perfect reflection of the rightwing media ecosystem. Ben Shapiro doesn’t even have the creativity to be truly insane, like the Infowars people, he’s more like an annoyingly persistent hall monitor, recycling the kind of dull schoolmarming that’s remained mostly unchanged since the first Bush era. Which is probably part of what makes Shut In so boring — it doesn’t take any interesting swings.

Jessica gets out, she finds her children safe (her daughter included, despite remaining absent and silent for 20-25 minutes of screentime at a clip, even when there’s a shrieking child molester being burned alive downstairs), and eventually her husband comes back. He tries to force Jessica to do meth at gunpoint — DJ Caruso seems to have forgotten everything he knew about meth users in the years since The Salton Sea — but she tricks him with her feminine wiles and pushes him out a window. Finally, I thought, this 89 minute movie that somehow feels 10 hours long is almost over.

There was still just enough time left for a parting shot of meemaw’s apple butter recipe:

In case you can’t read that, it’s a note about how you can just cut the bad parts out of the apples and use the good parts. “Not many people know this secret, but these apples make the best apple butter.”

It’s a suitably confounding ending, thanks to the sheer variety of apple-related symbolism. Are the apples like Eve’s apple? Are the bad apples like when a cop shoots someone and the police spokesman comes on and says he was just a “bad apple?” Are they saying that a bad apple doesn’t spoil the bunch? Will the apple butter keep the doctor away? What the FUCK is this stupid movie even trying to say about god damned apples? Did the heroic ex-meth addict mother successfully cut the bad parts out of herself and keep the good while avoiding government assistance (with the help of her magic money Bible)?

Honestly, I think trying to find a message here would be putting more thought into this than anyone involved ever did. It feels more like they were spinning plates and spitting out freighted jargon just long enough for the checks to clear.

‘Shut In’ is currently available to Daily Wire members. Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.