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After a major roster overhaul in the offseason, the Chicago Bulls made noise in beginning the 2021-22 season with a 4-0 record. While that may not seem like much, the four-game winning streak doubled as the first such run of Zach LaVine’s career, illustrating just how turbulent things had been in Chicago in recent seasons. The Bulls did cool off, at least to some extent, following their early-season blitz, but Chicago is now on another active four-game winning streak, and that pushes the Bulls into the top-2 of the Eastern Conference standings.

At 17-8 through 25 games, the early portion of Chicago’s new-look approach has been an unmitigated success. The Bulls are scoring nearly 1.19 points per possession during the winning streak, a run that featured a road sweep over the Nets and Knicks in New York. For the season, Chicago is scoring more than 1.1 points per possession, taking care of the ball at an elite level (13.3 percent turnover rate) and generating a top-five free throw rate. LaVine has been fantastic, following up on his breakout from a year ago, and the Bulls are shooting 36.9 percent from three-point range. It remains to be seen as to how sustainable that is given the team’s roster, but Lonzo Ball is connecting on 42.6 percent of long-range attempts and the Bulls are largely keeping non-shooters off the floor.

Perhaps the No. 1 reason for Chicago’s breakout success is the play of newly-acquired DeMar DeRozan, who is putting together an All-Star campaign. The veteran is averaging 26.4 points, 5.3 rebounds, and 4.1 assists per game, posting a 59.2 percent true shooting mark on 30.3 percent usage. As of Monday, DeRozan is in the health and safety protocols but, when he returns, Chicago can take solace in his sky-high level of performance, and the team has been excellent whenever DeRozan has been on the floor.

While Chicago’s offense was supposed to be solid at the very least with DeRozan, LaVine, Nikola Vucevic, and plenty of talent, the surprise has been the defense. There are some indicators that the Bulls may not be quite as good as their current performance due to shooting luck, but Chicago is unquestionably better than expected. Opponents are scoring only 105.6 points per 100 possessions against the Bulls this season, with that number dropping to 102.7 points per 100 when the duo of Ball and Alex Caruso are patrolling the perimeter. Chicago’s roster pieces aren’t necessarily seamless fits in a traditional sense, but Caruso and Ball are making opponents uncomfortable and, at least for now, making up for a stark lack of rim protection.

No 25-game sample is enough to erase all doubt about the Bulls, but the first 25 games of this era in Chicago are highly encouraging. Can the Bulls challenge the Nets and Bucks for supremacy in the East? That remains to be seen, but Chicago is higher in our DIME power rankings this week than many would have projected back in October. Just how high are the Bulls? Let’s find out.

1. Golden State Warriors (20-4, Last week — 2nd)

Phoenix usurped Golden State based on a head-to-head win last week. Then, the Warriors returned the favor, albeit in a game that didn’t feature Devin Booker. Still, Golden State gets the edge based on a considerably large gap in net rating, with the Warriors leading the league +13 points per 100 possessions. Admittedly, though, the Warriors and Suns are 1A and 1B right now.

2. Phoenix Suns (20-4, Last week — 1st)

The Suns still have only one loss since late October. That is, of course, completely ridiculous, and Phoenix has been able to maintain a strong level with Booker sidelined. Phoenix’s defense has been notably impressive, ranking No. 2 in the league, and that raises the already lofty ceiling of the Suns.

3. Milwaukee Bucks (16-9, Last week — 3rd)

News broke this week that Brook Lopez will be sidelined indefinitely after back surgery. That is brutal news for Milwaukee, and the Bucks aren’t quite the same team without him. For now, though, the Bucks are rolling with a 10-1 record and a double-digit net rating during that sample.

4. Utah Jazz (16-7, Last week — 5th)

It was a relatively quiet week for the Jazz, with only two games on the docket. Utah kept rolling with two wins, and the Jazz trail only the Warriors in point differential. Utah is scoring three more points per 100 possessions than any other team in the league. Remember when Utah was viewed as a defense-first team?

5. Chicago Bulls (17-8, Last week — 7th)

The Bulls aim for a season-best fifth consecutive win on Wednesday in Cleveland. The odds weren’t high that Bulls-Cavs would be must-see TV in the preseason, but that’ll be a fun one.

6. Brooklyn Nets (17-7, Last week — 4th)

Brooklyn’s winning formula has shifted this season, relying more on defense and patching over holes with Kyrie Irving and Joe Harris sidelined. The Nets are No. 6 in defense, which is genuinely shocking, and Kevin Durant is from another planet. Regardless, the Nets are doing what they need to do, and Brooklyn falls only due to a head-to-head loss to Chicago this week.

7. Memphis Grizzlies (14-10, Last week — 19th)

No team has moved up and down in the rankings more than Memphis this season, but the Grizzlies are riding high now. Memphis just reeled off five straight wins without Ja Morant, which is thoroughly impressive. The Grizzlies now have four straight home games to attempt to build on that already strong push.

8. Atlanta Hawks (13-12, Last week — 8th)

Atlanta set a franchise record with 25 three-pointers on Monday night and, in the process, the Hawks zoomed to the No. 2 spot in the NBA in offensive rating. Nate McMillan’s team is still scuffling on defense, but this is a top-eight team in net rating that largely survived a schedule gauntlet and myriad injuries in the first 25 games.

9. Miami Heat (14-11, Last week — 6th)

With Jimmy Butler sidelined and Bam Adebayo set to be out for several weeks, the Heat are in crisis. Miami remains in the top ten, at least for now, out of respect for what happened early in the year, but the Heat are 3-6 in the last nine games and those struggles may continue for a while.

10. Philadelphia 76ers (13-11, Last week — 11th)

The Sixers are 10-4 when Joel Embiid plays this season. It’s been a weird campaign with Philadelphia dealing with injury, illness, and the absence of Ben Simmons, but Doc Rivers’ team is lingering. Embiid scored 71 points combined in two wins over Atlanta and Charlotte this week, and that’s probably a good sign for his future.

11. Los Angeles Lakers (13-12, Last week — 13th)

It’s hard too be too optimistic about the Lakers, but they aren’t going anywhere. It helps that the middle of the league is bunched up beyond belief, but Los Angeles is 8-5 with LeBron in the lineup and they looked good in a breezy win over the Celtics on Tuesday.

12. Boston Celtics (13-12, Last week — 9th)

Boston’s in the middle of a tough west coast trip, though the Celtics did blast the Blazers in the middle of the journey. It would’ve been nice if the Celtics were better against the Lakers on Tuesday, but they will have the chance to win a game in Los Angeles again on Wednesday with a back-to-back against the Clippers.

13. L.A. Clippers (13-12, Last week — 14th)

Speaking of the Clippers, L.A. is 2-4 in the last six and 5-8 in the last 13 games. That isn’t exactly blowing anyone away, but the Clippers did beat the Lakers in a head-to-head last week. They will be at home all week with three games on the docket, and that could kickstasrt Ty Lue’s team.

14. New York Knicks (12-12, Last week — 17th)

It feels silly to have the Knicks at No. 14 with how they’ve played, but that could be said for any number of teams. New York took care of business with a road win over San Antonio on Tuesday, but the Knicks have also been out-scored for the season. Good luck trying to make heads or tails of this entire tier of teams.

15. Charlotte Hornets (14-12, Last week — 16th)

Half of Charlotte’s rotation has been in the NBA’s health and safety protocols, which at least partly explains recent results. To their credit, the Hornets were able to steal a road win in Atlanta with a depleted roster, and they took the Sixers to overtime on the very next night. James Borrego is doing a nice job.

16. Cleveland Cavaliers (13-12, Last week — 20th)

It’s been a good two-week period for the Cavs, even if the some of the early-season buzz is gone. Cleveland won four in a row and, while the last two did not go the way the Cavs wanted, the losses came to Utah and Milwaukee by single digits. Oh, and the Cavs are No. 4 in the NBA in defensive rating through 25 games. That’s impressive.

17. Washington Wizards (14-11, Last week — 12th)

The bloom is off the rose in the nation’s capital. Washington is 4-8 in the last 12 games, giving up more than 1.14 points per possession with a hideous -7.3 net rating over that sample. With three straight losses at the time of this post, Washington might even deserve to be lower, but the season-long profile is solid enough to avoid freefall.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves (11-13, Last week — 10th)

A week ago, we were expressing overarching optimism about Minnesota. Some of that still applies, but the Wolves promptly went 0-3 this week. The loss to Atlanta on Monday wasn’t too brutal on its face, but that game happened at home on a night in which Minnesota simply had no defensive answers. That’s at least mildly concerning.

19. Denver Nuggets (11-12, Last week — 18th)

Only the Magic, Thunder, and Pistons have been worse by net rating over the last 10 games than the Nuggets. That isn’t a good place to be, even if some of the struggles are explainable by roster challenges. A team with Nikola Jokic on the floor can only fall so far, but it’s not going well.

20. Toronto Raptors (11-13, Last week — 23rd)

Toronto’s defensive issues have been puzzling all season long, and the overall numbers are bad. However, the Raptors may have found something in allowing fewer than 100 points in three straight games. That came with two victories over Milwaukee and Washington, and that perhaps brings some encouragement for the future.

21. Sacramento Kings (10-14, Last week — 24th)

The Kings only played two games this week, and they won both of them against the same opponent in the Clippers. I’m not sure how much was learned with those wins, but Sacramento certainly needed them.

22. Indiana Pacers (10-16, Last week — 22nd)

Rebuild season is reportedly here in Indiana. It makes sense on some level but, at the same time, the Pacers haven’t picked in the top ten of the NBA Draft in more than three decades (I promise this is true) and they just hired Rick Carlisle for top-dollar on the bench. It’s a weird situation, but the Pacers are worth monitoring with a very close eye for the next few weeks.

23. Dallas Mavericks (11-12, Last week — 21st)

The Mavericks’ 9-4 start was put together with smoke and mirrors and a quick look at the team’s point differential was all one needed to see that. Since then, Dallas is 2-8 and the formerly high-powered Mavericks just slogged through a three-game losing streak with 98.2 points per 100 possessions. Yuck.

24. San Antonio Spurs (8-15, Last week — 25th)

The Spurs are 4-2 in the last six, and San Antonio’s only real blemish came on Tuesday with a loss on a back-to-back to New York. They are operating in virtual obscurity, but the Spurs have been competitive following a disappointing 4-13 start.

25. Houston Rockets (7-16, Last week — 27th)

So, this is weird. The Rockets lost 15 games in a row. Then, the Rockets immediately won six games in a row. Per Elias Sports Bureau, that was the first time that any NBA, NHL, MLB, or NHL team produced that level of madness. There is credit due to Stephen Silas and Houston for bouncing back.

26. Portland Trail Blazers (11-14, Last week — 15th)

Things are absolutely disastrous in Portland right now. Damian Lillard isn’t happy, CJ McCollum is injured, Neil Olshey is no longer employed, and the on-court product is hideous. The Blazers have lost six of the last seven, and Portland allowed nearly 1.2 points per possession over that stretch. They shouldn’t be this bad. The vibes are dreadful.

27. New Orleans Pelicans (7-19, Last week — 26th)

Zion Williamson still isn’t playing, but New Orleans is at least playing better. The Pelicans are 4-3 in the last seven games, scoring more than 1.14 points per possession. New Orleans lost by 10 in Houston on Sunday, or the Pelicans might be higher on this list.

28. Oklahoma City Thunder (7-16, Last week — 29th)

It’s rather unbelievable that Oklahoma City lost a game by 73 points this week and still rose in the rankings. Granted, the Thunder were short-handed in that game, but Oklahoma City bounced back with a nice road win over Detroit to end the week. They can take a small pass for the history-making mess against Memphis.

29. Orlando Magic (5-20, Last week — 30th)

Detroit made it easy on Orlando in escaping the basement. The Magic are still struggling mightily with the worst net rating (-10.6) in the NBA, but Orlando did beat Denver this week. That’s a nice result amid the ugliness.

30. Detroit Pistons (4-19, Last week — 28th)

On the bright side, Cade Cunningham is coming on strong, averaging 22 points and 7.8 rebounds in the last four games. On the less rosy side, the Pistons have lost nine straight games, including a home loss to OKC that ensured Detroit would land in the No. 30 spot this week.

In a last-minute move, Roku and Google have finally reached an agreement that will allow the YouTube and YouTube TV apps to remain on the streaming platform as part of a “multi-year carriage extension.” A current deal between the two companies was due to expire on December 9, but with less than 24 hours remaining, both sides were able to squash a long-running dispute that almost resulted in Google removing its popular apps from all Roku devices. (The tech giant had already pulled YouTube TV from the Roku Channel Store earlier in the year.)

Via Deadline:

“We’re happy to share that we’ve reached a deal with Roku to continue distributing the YouTube and YouTube TV apps on Roku devices,” a YouTube rep said. “This means that Roku customers will continue to have access to YouTube and that the YouTube TV app will once again be available in the Roku store for both new and existing members. We are pleased to have a partnership that benefits our mutual users.”

As of this writing, financial terms were not disclosed, but Roku has long-maintained that revenue was not its concern during the fight with Google. Starting in 2019, Roku had become increasingly vocal about accusing Google of making “disturbing” demands in regards to search results. Roku accused Google of wanting YouTube results to have “preference over other content providers” as well as demanding access to customer data. Google hit back and accused of having “unreasonable” expectations about how apps run on streaming platforms.

Fortuantely, the two parties were able to come to an agreement and just under the wire.

(Via Deadline)

It’s hard to believe that no one wants to listen to Donald Trump bloviate about his presidential history, especially given his propensity for rewriting it. But if the ticket sales for Trump and disgraced former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly’s so-called “History Tour” are any indication, the yuge crowds Trump regularly (and often falsely) boasts about attracting to his various rallies, insurrections, and other public events don’t seem to be as enthusiastic about supporting the former president if it means forking over their hard-earned dollars.

As Newsweek reports, despite the fact that tickets for this “limited engagement national tour”—which start at $100 and are priced into the thousands for premium options—first went on sale in June, there are still thousands of tickets still available, including the cheap seats. Even for the kick-off events, which are happening on Saturday at the FLA Live Arena in Sunrise, Florida, and Sunday at the Amway Center in Orlando, Ticketmaster still has thousands of tickets available for each event. (Both venues have seating for just about 20,000 people.)

That fans are flocking to shell out thousands of dollars to watch O’Reilly kiss Trump’s ass in person is hardly news. Back in July, when Politico wrote an article about the tour’s sluggish sales titled “Ticket Sales Are Moving Slowly For The Coming Trump-O’Reilly Stadium Tour,” O’Reilly threatened to sue the media outlet… in an interview with the writer.

When asked about ticket sales for the event, Liz Harrington, a spokesperson for the crowd-size-conscious former president, countered that the tour had “already sold over $5 million of tickets, and the excitement and enthusiasm is unlike anything we’ve seen before.” Then added that, “Come December, the sold-out shows will be a memorable night for all.”

Note: It’s December.

O’Reilly was a bit more aggressive in his denouncement of Politico writer Daniel Lippman’s findings on ticket sales. In fact, he seemed to be on a totally different page than Trump when he overshot his partner’s official tally, stating:

“We have more than $7 million in the bank. We haven’t spent a nickel on marketing, nothing. All those $7 million for four shows were done on the announcement. Marketing will start in about a week. Nobody has sold tickets this fast at this price, and VIPs are sold out at 3 of the 4 venues.”

O’Reilly also told Lippman that “I’m not the ticket counter,” then thoughtfully added: “You put one word in there that’s not true, I’ll sue your ass off and you can quote me on that. You’re just a hatchet man and that’s what you are.”

“The History Tour” kicks off in Florida this weekend. Tickets are most definitely still available.

(Via Newsweek)

England’s Reading and Leeds festivals have a unique set-up, as the sister events take place on the same weekend and share a lineup. It’s a big line-up, too, and now the fests have offered the first look at the 2022 edition, which goes down from August 26 to 28, by sharing some of the acts set to take the stage. Next year’s headliners include Megan Thee Stallion, Rage Against The Machine, Arctic Monkeys, Halsey, Dave, and Bring Me The Horizon.

Beyond that, the lineup also features Polo G, Little Simz, Glass Animals, Wolf Alice, Fontaines DC, Enter:Shikari, Jack Harlow, Run The Jewels, Maneskin, Bastille, Circa Waves, Fever 333, Griff, Joy Crookes, PinkPantheress, Wallows, Jxdn, Kid Brunswick, Madison Beer, Tai Verdes, The Lathums, Wilkinson, Arrdee, Chloe Moriondo, Denzel Curry, Hybrid Minds, and Pale Waves. That’s only a small portion of the full lineup, so expect additions to be announced between now and next summer.

This appearance will be a big one for Rage Against The Machine, as they have been trying to get a reunion tour off the ground since 2020 and it will finally be able to happen next year (hopefully). Meanwhile, Megan has had to cancel some shows in recent days: She backed out of the AMAs due to a “personal matter” and she canceled a Houston concert “out of respect” to victims of the Astroworld Festival tragedy.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Eagle Rare bourbon and the holidays certainly go together. Hell, if we had to pick one bottle to pair with a big feast, it’d probably be one of the bottles below. Besides that, Eagle Rare is also one of the most sought-after bourbons in the world. So, we’re going to rank their three expressions today.

Brass tacks, Eagle Rare is a pretty standard bourbon made in an extraordinary place. The mash bill is a low-rye recipe that Buffalo Trace keeps to itself. They’re also not going to tell you which yeasts they use or just how they make the strong beer in their fermenters, which eventually becomes this delicious whiskey. What we do know is that Eagle Rare is aged for at least ten years at the entry-level and 20 years by the time you get to the top of the mountain with the brand.

To rank all three bottles of this iconic bourbon, we’re going on taste alone. Availability or price is not an issue below. If it were, then standard Eagle Rare would be number one every time. That’s a phenomenal whiskey that you can mix with or sip that’s also affordable and gettable. But this is about the taste of the juice in the bottle, so let’s dive in!

Also Read: The Top 5 UPROXX Bourbon Posts Of 2021

• The Single Best Bottle Of Whiskey From Each Of The 50 States
• The Best Bottles Of Bourbon Whiskey For Under $20, Ranked
• Our Favorite Bourbon Whiskey From Every Price Point Between $10-$200
• All 19 Brands From The Buffalo Trace Distillery, Ranked
• Here’s Who Won Our Big Barrel Proof Bourbon Whiskey Blind Taste Test

3. BTAC 2021 Eagle Rare 17

ABV: 50.5%

MSRP: $99

Average Price: $1,390

The Whiskey:

This whiskey was produced in the spring of 2003. Since then, it lost 73 percent of its volume to the angels as it rested in warehouses C, K, M, and Q on various floors. The barrels were then vatted, proofed down, and bottled.

Tasting Notes:

The nose has this matrix of dark holiday spices that layer into a Black Forest cake with the finest stewed cherries, the moistest chocolate sponge cake, and the richest cream with a touch of vanilla and dark chocolate shavings and a whisper of pink finishing salt. The palate really leans into the cherry with a bright but saucy vibe that’s spiked with nutmeg, allspice, and cinnamon (and maybe a hint of ground ginger) while little firecrackers full of salted black licorice, dry cedar bark, and Cherry Coke fill in the background. The finish takes its time as the mid-palate cherry sweetness slowly dissolves into an old wooden garden box full of fresh dark potting soil bursting with fresh mint and spicy nasturtiums.

Bottom Line:

This year’s BTAC Eagle Rare was a dream. That being said, there’s a lot going on that could be off-putting (salted licorice is a lot) for some. So, we’re making taste accessibility a factor in this short ranking.

2. Eagle Rare

ABV: 45%

MSRP: $29

Average Price: $45

The Whiskey:

This might be one of the most beloved (and still accessible) bottles from Buffalo Trace. This juice is made from their very low rye mash bill. The whiskey is then matured for at least ten years in various parts of the warehouse. The final mix comes down to barrels that hit just the right notes to make them “Eagle Rare.” Finally, this one is proofed down to a fairly low 90 proof.

Tasting Notes:

There’s a lot happening on the nose here, with worn leather mingling with dried orange, fresh sage, butter toffee, and cellared oak. The taste turns towards marzipan covered in dark chocolate with a touch of honey, cherry, and a sprinkling of dark spices with a clear orange basket holiday vibe. The mid-palate leans into candied nuts and cherries towards a finish that touches on that marzipan, toffee, and the cedar-y oak while ending short and cherry-sweet.

Bottom Line:

This is one of the best-made bourbons out there that you can still actually buy outside of Kentucky. This is a workhorse that shines in a cocktail (this should be your old fashioned go-to) and dominates as a great sipper on a rock or neat. That makes this a big winner when talking about taste because that’s a rare balance at any price point or style. That helps this expression edge out Eagle 17 above, but only barely.

1. Double Eagle Very Rare (2021 Release)

ABV: 50.5%

MSRP: $1,999

Average Price: $18,900

The Whiskey:

This whiskey ups the Eagle Rare game up in two ways. First, this is “double” aged, meaning that the whiskey spends 20 years mellowing in Buffalo Trace’s warehouses — or twice as long as standard Eagle Rare. That makes the barrels that go into this expression super rare. The second aspect is the decanter. The crystal decanter has two eagles, one as a stopper and one that is blown into the bottom of the bottle. It’s a striking bottle and only 199 were produced.

Tasting Notes:

The nose on this gently draws you in with mellow hints of cherry liqueur, dry cedar tobacco boxes, rich vanilla pods that feel oily, and a buttercream toffee candy that’s more sticky than brittle. The nose then leans towards a woody spice matrix of cinnamon sticks soaked in cherry syrup next to a slight note of anise that’s more absinthe green than licorice dark. On the palate, a very dark cacao dust opens up our taste buds as dates soaked in floral Earl Grey create a base for a moist and very sticky toffee pudding with a small dollop of the silkiest vanilla ice cream you’ve ever had. The spices in that date-filled cake slowly rise after the sweet mid-palate veers into a soft and velvety finish that echoes with the woody spices but not the heat from them.

The very end leaves you with this dry cedar box that once held allspice berries, anise, and cinnamon but now holds a very dry leaf of cherry-choco tobacco.

Bottom Line:

There are so few of these bottles and, yes, the price is astronomical. But, goddamn, this is the nectar of the whiskey gods. I’d argue this is the best bourbon coming out of Buffalo Trace and, yes, I’m including Pappy 20 and 23 in that estimation (no disrespect intended). This is one of the softest, most distinct, and purely delicious whiskeys on the market.

If you do get a taste, make sure to dilute this with a little water. It’ll bloom into this shockingly (more) silken and robust sip of bourbon that will advance your palate to the next level.

Fox News‘ massive All-American Christmas Tree went up in flames shortly after midnight on Wednesday, and as Steve Doocy put it during the following morning’s edition of Fox & Friends, “It’s beginning to look a lot like arson.” According to reports, the 50 feet high holiday fixture took 21 hours to assemble and decorate with over 10,000 glass ornaments and 100,000 lights that all were severely damaged after a suspect allegedly set fire to the top of the tree. Via Fox News:

Fox News security spotted the suspect, later identified as Craig Tamanaha, climbing the 50-foot-tall tree at the center of Fox Square just after midnight. The Sixth Avenue and 48th Street location is in the heart of Midtown.

NYPD officers arrived at the scene and saw the suspect running from the location. They took him into custody before filing charges that included criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and arson. City firefighters managed to extinguish the blaze.

Footage of the All-American Christmas Tree engulfed in flames went viral on social media within minutes of the fire being lit. You can see video of the fire as tweeted by Australian reporter Leo Puglisi below:

Thanks to the attention from the arson fire, it was revealed that the All-American Christmas Tree is actually an artificial tree, which may have aided the acceleration of the flames:

(Via Fox News)

For the past few Decembers, I’ve had a very silly but fun (for me at least) tradition on Twitter: Each and every day, I tweet a different lyric from “A Long December” by Counting Crows. I do this because (1) I love the song, obviously. Also, obviously, (2) it’s December! While it’s possible that (3) I just enjoy amiably torturing my followers, I like to think that (4) I’m actually providing a form of mass therapy.

This process of literally breaking down “A Long December” over and over has had at least one collateral effect: I’m pretty sure I have analyzed this song more than anyone on Earth, including the songwriter, Adam Duritz. As a result of my intense scholarship, I’ve concluded that “A Long December” is the greatest holiday song. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s — it applies to all of them and more.

To fully understand why this is so, it’s helpful to think of “A Long December” has four different songs — there is the literal “A Long December,” the figurative “A Long December,” the personal “A Long December,” and, finally, the holiday “A Long December.” I can’t remember how many times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass. Which is why I typed them out and am now sharing them with you.

Follow me into the canyons.

I. The Literal “A Long December”

“A Long December” is the penultimate track on the second Counting Crows LP, Recovering The Satellites. Released on October 15, 1996, the album debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard chart, on the way to eventually going double platinum. “A Long December” was the album’s second single, released (appropriately) on December 2. It proved to be the most popular track from the record, rising to No. 5 on the Modern Rock chart. A piano ballad with a “na na na” hook that evokes “Hey Jude” as well as Counting Crows’ own signature hit “Mr. Jones,” “A Long December” was kept from the top spot on the Modern Rock chart the following spring by songs such as U2’s “Discotheque,” Live’s “Lakini’s Juice,” and The Wallflowers’ “One Headlight.”

As Duritz later explained to Rolling Stone, the lyrics were inspired by a personal story: His friend was involved in a serious car accident in 1995, and was forced to convalesce in a hospital for an extended stay. Duritz often visited him during this period. One night, after hanging out with some pals on the eve of another hospital visit, he wrote “A Long December.”

“It’s a song about looking back on your life and seeing changes happening,” he said, “and for once me, looking forward and thinking, ‘Ya know, things are gonna change for the better — maybe this year will be better than the last.’”

There are lines in the song that plainly spell out the source material — the one about “the smell of hospitals in winter” and the other one about driving “up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.” and talking “a little while about the year.” There’s also stuff in “A Long December” that seems to have little to do with friends waylaid in hospitals after bad car accidents. But there is definitely nothing about holidays here. Let’s dig deeper.

II. The Figurative “A Long December”

Because it was a stand-alone hit, surely many more people have heard “A Long December” at a bodega, a gas station, or a Walgreens than on Recovering The Satellites. But if you have heard the album, “A Long December” likely has a slightly different meaning as a song about rock stardom.

Recovering The Satellites has a lot of songs about rock stardom, because — as you may or may not remember — Counting Crows was a very popular band in 1996. Their previous album, August & Everything After, was released in the fall of 1993 and took off the following year, moving 3.8 million units in 1994 alone. For comparison’s sake, that’s 500,000 more copies than Dookie sold that year.

As was the case with nearly every other alt-rock bard of the era, Duritz was deeply conflicted about his fame, and he put those feelings into the songs on Recovering The Satellites. “Daylight Fading” describes the loneliness of non-stop touring. The self-explanatory “Have You Seen Me Lately?” is about the weirdness of constantly hearing yourself on the radio. At the end of “Children In Bloom,” Duritz sings that he “can’t find my way home.” On the title track, he surmises that “all anybody really wants to know is / when you gonna come down.”

“The only way fame affected me was my songs, because I wrote about my life and my life was affected by becoming famous,” Duritz explained to me in 2012. “And I know everybody hates when people write about being famous, but you know, fuck you, I’m not supposed to impress you with how just like each other we all are.”

All of those songs I just mentioned precede “A Long December” on the album, and they color how the song is interpreted in that context. The references to “one more day in the canyons” and “one more night in Hollywood” instantly place it in the milieu of L.A. “rock noir” songs like Warren Zevon’s “Desperadoes Under The Eaves” or the Eagles’ “Hotel California,” in which the city is less a setting than an idea about feeling ugly and dark when everything around you is beautiful and sun-dappled.

In this interpretation, “A Long December” is about making it through the confusion and alienation of rock stardom and (maybe) learning to appreciate your newfound status. But what does this have to do with holidays? If you think you might continue reading, I think you should.

III. The Personal “A Long December”

As Duritz conceded in our interview, people love to complain about rock stars who complain about rock stardom in their songs. And by people I mostly mean “music critics.” But in reality, the magic of great songwriting is that the listener will likely relate to a song more if the lyricist writes from a hyper-specific point of view that might, superficially, seem only relatable to him.

“They find all kinds of things about themselves in those songs,” Duritz explained. “I don’t understand it. I do know that it’s true. People were talking at the beginning to stop using proper names, stop using particular places and details in your songwriting because people aren’t going to relate to that. But they’re wrong. Those details give those things truth, some sort of real weight.”

I was not a rock star when I first heard Recovering The Satellites. I was a college freshman who lived exactly 2,008 miles from Los Angeles, a city I had never visited at that time. And yet I found this album eerily relevant to my circumstances. The way Duritz described his lonely life on a tour bus matched my feelings about my lonely life in a dorm room, a square box that put me (metaphorically) “on the road” away from my home. I was in a long-distance relationship with my high school girlfriend, so the line in “Daylight Fading” about “waiting for the telephone to tell me I’m alive” resonated. I could tell our union was going south, so the part in “Goodnight Elisabeth” where Duritz sings “til I’m all alone, you ain’t coming home” also felt like someone writing my biography. (Technically, I was the one who wasn’t home, but still — I felt that.)

Finally, she dumped me in — you guessed it — December. Which perhaps explains why “A Long December” has always played like a breakup song to me. Duritz claims he was writing about his friend in the hospital, but the song actually includes more references to a girl who might just be a memory. My favorite lyric is about this specifically: “I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower / Makes you talk a little lower / about the things you could not show her.”

Winter in the midwest is significantly less beautiful and sun-dappled than winter in California. But all those Christmas lights hanging from trees and strip malls can shine brighter than the sun. The constant good cheer during this season isolates the desolate, and sends a deeper chill to those already out in the cold. You feel wrong in December if you are being screwed over (temporarily or not) by life. It makes you laugh a little slower and talk a little lower.

Can you see where I’m going with this? Just one more day up in the canyons, I promise.

IV. The Holiday “A Long December”

I wonder what Taylor Swift thinks of “A Long December.” On her 2020 album Evermore, there’s a track called “Tis The Damn Season” that’s about going to the town where you grew up during the holidays and realizing that you no longer belong there.

Here’s the part of “Tis The Damn Season” that reminds me a little of “A Long December”:

I parkеd my car right between the Methodist
And thе school that used to be ours
The holidays linger like bad perfume
You can run, but only so far
I escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave
But if it’s okay with you, it’s okay with me

This is such a common scenario — the time in your early 20s when you still hang out with childhood friends in your hometown during the holidays — that it’s odd to me that there aren’t more songs about it. But I think “A Long December” is (perhaps inadvertently) one of those songs. Only Duritz is less exact than Swift. I’ve heard “A Long December” countless times and I’m not quite clear on whether the person in the song is staying in Los Angeles in December or if he’s visiting L.A. (It depends on whether you hear “if you think you might come to California” as spoken by the narrator or a different character.)

As we’ve established, this tune is a series of not-quite-connected scenes that allude to the real-life story about the friend in the hospital, Duritz’s feelings about fame, and a mystery woman who might in fact be a metaphor for unrequited longing. But when you add up all those elements, it somehow transforms into a song about how the holidays send us down the wormhole of our own pasts in search of a version of ourselves — or our parents, or high school friends, or our hometowns — that no longer exists. The “festive” mood always has loss and melancholy baked in.

But if “A Long December” is about how the constant churn of the holidays can make you sad, it’s also about how surviving the holidays can make you hopeful about what lies beyond them. It’s both an acknowledgement that, yes, it’s right that you feel depressed right now and also a pat on the back that, [heavy sigh], you have survived it for yet another year. A simultaneous wallow and pep talk — that’s “A Long December,” and that’s why it’s the best holiday song. Hold on to these moments as they pass. You deserve it.

Doctors at England’s Gloucestershire Royal Hospital found themselves on the wrong end of a potentially explosive situation last week when a man arrived to the emergency room with a World War II artillery shell lodged in his rectum. Fearing for the safety of both their patients and the hospital’s staff, a bomb squad—the Explosive Ordnance Disposal team (EOD)—was called to the scene, but doctors had already removed the munition by the time they arrived. Fortunately for all involved, the artifact in question was “not live,” according to the EOD, so “therefore not a danger to the public.”

Phew.

So… just how did the item manage to creep its way into the unnamed (for obvious reasons) patient’s anus in the first place? According to The Sun, which was the first outlet to report the story, the patient—who is reportedly a collector of World War II artifacts, and apparently an enthusiastic one at that—told doctors that he “slipped and fell” on the device. Which… ummmm… errrr… ok.

“The guy said he found the shell when he was having a clear out of his stuff,” a source familiar with the situation told The Sun. “He said he put it on the floor then he slipped and fell on it—and it went up his arse… He was in a considerable amount of pain.”

A member of the 11 Explosive Ordnance Disposal Regiment, which was the squad called to the scene, said that “It was a solid shot round. It was a chunky, pointed lump of lead designed to rip through a tank’s armor. It was basically an inert lump of metal, so there was no risk to life—at least not to anyone else’s.”

The risk to the man’s pride, however, was another story.

(Via Insider)

Halsey’s riding a bit of a high at the moment, as this summer, they dropped If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power, which peaked at No. 2 on the charts and is perhaps their most critically acclaimed album so far. Of course, Halsey also had a baby this year, and in light of that, they have considered not releasing anymore music.

On Twitter last night, somebody observed that Halsey’s fans tend to stick with them even if they’re not in love with their latest creative output, and Halsey responded, “I love song discourse! I don’t ever want people to just blindly like whatever I put out. It wouldn’t be fun. I would lose the ‘will they like it?!’ rush I get before releasing music. I just hate when ppl are mean to me (not my work!) for absolutely no reason.”

In response to that, another fan asked, “have u thought more about not releasing music since having Ender? Like that chapter of your life is finished now?” Halsey replied, “im highly sensitive since having my child and I want to protect him from having to read or hear unnecessary things about me in the future considering I have 0 control over what people say abt me and he didn’t ask to receive that volume of info so I do think about it sometimes [heart emoji].”

In response to another fan tweet, Halsey added, “I think more importantly, the kind of mom I would be, if I woke up every day worried that the internet thinks I’m genuinely a bad person, wouldn’t be a good mom. I’m not capable of turning it off and ‘not caring’ so I have to position myself to put life first.”

After some other tweets about fame, Halsey concluded, “Perhaps I will learn to stop spilling my guts and become the reclusive homestead farmer I was always meant to be. Write lots of books that I won’t let anyone publish till I die. Probably not. but if it happens, here’s the foreshadowing.”

The “Rifle Republican” label couldn’t be more literal than what you’ll see in Lauren Boebert’s family Christmas photo. The far-right firebrand, fortunately, is taking a break from saying terrible things (or, at least, being busted for doing so) about her colleagues. Yet what has materialized on her Twitter feed isn’t any less disturbing, and it goes back to Boebert’s enduring love of guns, as she previously celebrated while vowing to carry her Glock in the halls of Congress.

‘Tis the season for gathering one’s children in front of the Christmas tree while they’re brandishing rifles. Boebert gathered all four of her sons in precisely that manner, and she did so with a nod to fellow Republican lawmaker Thomas Massie. He recently did the same with his family, although his children aren’t nearly as young as Boebert’s kids. She added, “No spare ammo for you, though.”

These ill-advised photos arrive shortly after the Michigan school shooting, which was carried out by a teenager whose parents gave him the gun as a gift. The suggestion here is that gifts and guns go hand in hand, so, not great!

Well, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whose back-and-forth with the rootin’ tootin’ Boebert continues. “Tell me again where Christ said “use the commemoration of my birth to flex violent weapons for personal political gain?” AOC tweeted. “lol @ all the years Republicans spent on cultural hysteria of society ‘erasing Christmas and it’s meaning’ when they’re doing that fine all on their own.”

AOC was joined by a whole lot of people, some of whom noted the irony of Boebert’s “jihad squad” remarks about Rep. Ilhan Omar.