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The Guilty, which serves as an American remake of a 2018 Danish film (which I have not seen), and the second collaboration between director Antoine Fuqua and star Jake Gyllenhaal, after 2015’s Southpaw. Gyllenhaal’s performance is tremendous, though I have a hard time seeing him getting the credit he deserves here. This movie is truly all Gyllenhaal and it lives and dies based on him (spoiler, it lives). To the point, an actor needs a certain level of chutzpah to even attempt something like what Gyllenhaal does in The Guilty. It’s truly all him.

With a screenplay by Nic Pizzolatto, The Guilty starts, and ends, with Gyllenhaal’s Officer Joe Baylor on the phone. He’s sitting in an LAPD command center taking 911 calls, but we get the sense quickly this isn’t his regular job. Something happened, taking him off the street, and the details of what happened – certainly nothing good since reporters keep calling him for comment and a court appearance the next day is often referenced – are filled in as the movie goes along.

Joe gets a call from a woman named Emily (voiced by Riley Keough) who insinuates she’s been kidnapped and is in a movie vehicle. She called 911 pretending to be calling her young daughter and Baylor picks up on this, only being able to communicate with yes or no questions, because the man who kidnapped her can hear everything she says. The movie quickly transforms into a puzzle, as Joe uses all his resources to figure out who this woman is, who has taken her, and where they might be going. The plot itself isn’t unique: a beleaguered cop has to track down a kidnapped woman. But what makes it unique is Joe does it all from behind a desk and on the phone.

It’s a remarkable experience because what this movie does is allows a viewer’s imagination to create scenes. Joe is on the phone with other officers when they check residences for clues, and we only hear the audio of what’s going on at those locations, but I remember them as fully formed scenes. A person’s brain just kind of takes over and fills in the grizzliest of details, making for an unsettling experience, even though we aren’t seeing much of anything except Gyllenhaal’s facial reactions to what we are all hearing. And it’s why Gyllenhaal is so masterful in this role. He knows our entire visual experience, what we imagine, will be dictated by his face. It’s quite a thing.

I’m a big fan of Antione Fuqua’s movies. He’s got the flair for action, of someone like Tony Scott, but with an undercurrent of social issues, when he wants to. And sometimes he wants to and sometimes he doesn’t, which makes me admire him even more. The Guilty is Fuqua’s third movie that focuses on police officers and, yes, he certainly has something to say this time. Though, from what I can tell, the plot of the film follows the original film closely, but there’s a reveal that feels uniquely like an American issue. Again, the main plot of the movie is about Joe Butler trying to solve a crime, but there’s an undercurrent here that taps into a lot of what we saw last summer. To the point that I don’t know how this movie works without it.

But, again, this is Jake Gyllenhaal’s show. He’s not just in every scene, he’s in at least 90 percent of the movie just by himself, talking to people on the phone, trying to figure out what happened to this woman, the night before what’s going to be one of the worst days of his life. This movie was filmed last November, before we had Covid vaccines and we had to rely completely on distancing and testing. I do wonder if the movie would be any different if it was not filmed under those conditions. Since it focuses so much on Gyllenhaal on his own, it is kind of the perfect movie to try and make during a pandemic. Maybe the circumstances were a happy accident for the movie. Maybe in normal times (whatever that means now) we’d have seen some of those external scenes, taking that away from our imaginations. Maybe it’s less harrowing because of that. Maybe the most disturbing thing we can watch in a movie like this is Gyllenhaal’s face react to the horror. Regardless of how it happened, it certainly worked.

‘The Guilty’ will stream via Netflix on Friday, October 1. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.

For the better part of a week, a pack of zebras has been on the loose in Prince George’s County, Maryland, and Washington D.C. Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton wants the record to show that she has absolutely nothing to do with it. While there have been no press reports of any kind accusing Norton of being responsible for zebras running wild in the D.C. suburbs, she cites talk of her prior opposition to “unnecessary fences” as a reason for locals to view her as a suspect. Have we mentioned this all hilariously weird?

Via Norton’s official campaign site:

“Local news has reported that the zebras were let loose on Saturday or Sunday of last weekend, a period of time during which I was enjoying quiet time at home with family,” Norton said. “My alibi is solid, but given my career of fighting for statehood for the District, which includes years of explaining the importance of having consent of the governed, and given my recent opposition to fences, I can understand why the charge was made. I hope the owners find the zebras and that all involved live long, full lives.”

According to FOX 5 DC, Prince George’s County police say they started receiving increased calls about the zebras roaming around just before the Labor Day weekend. The first call came in on August 31, so God knows how long the zebras have been loose, and what they might be plotting.

(Via Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton, FOX 5 DC)

There’s something incredibly refreshing about two creatives being mutual (and quite vocal) fans of one another, and one of the latest and greatest duos to do so are directors Chloe Zhao (Eternals, Nomadland, The Rider) and Denis Villeneuve (Dune, Sicario, Blade Runner 2049, Arrival). The pair — both known for the visionary and immersive works they’ve created in the last year — each have new and hugely anticipated movies coming this winter: Marvel’s Eternals for Zhao, and Dune for Villeneuve.

In a recent interview from Harper’s Bazaar framed as a conversation between the two directors, Villeneuve gushed to Zhao about her work, calling him her “biggest fan.” Zhao then reciprocated the love, admitting to Villeneuve she actually used still from his films to convey to Marvel her vision of Eternals:

“I would like to apply for a job on your set to be your assistant. You know, when I went to pitch Eternals, I had stills from your films as references. I’m naturally drawn to filmmakers who have a very strong hand in world building. When I watch your films, even though they’re of different genres, from Sicario to Arrival to Prisoners and then Blade Runner 2049, you managed to build such visceral worlds I can feel and almost touch.”

Based on what we’ve seen of Eternals so far, it feels fairly easy to see just where Zhao drew inspiration from Villeneuve. The muted yet intense trailers have a similar feel to films like Arrival, and show a different approach to filming a Marvel movie.

The pair then proceeded to talk about Villeneuve’s recent comments on the failures of streaming movies intended for theater and how they’re both putting all their money on IMAX as the future of cinema. You can read the full interview here.

Villeneuve’s Dune hits theaters and HBO Max on October 22, 2021. You can catch Marvel’s Eternals n theater’s shortly after, on November 5.

Zion Williamson has been one of the biggest names in basketball since he was 16 years old and became a viral sensation for mesmerizing highlight videos of his high school games.

Now two years into his NBA career, Williamson has proven that he’s far more than a dunk and highlight machine, as he has already established himself as one of the league’s most efficient and dominant interior scorers. Williamson’s presence has injected some needed life into the post-Anthony Davis Pelicans and they hope a new coach in Willie Green can elevate New Orleans into a playoff squad in Zion’s third season.

Off the court, Williamson has also looked to have an impact in his new home of New Orleans and back in South Carolina, as he has made sure not to forget his humble beginnings as he rises to superstardom. Zion has worked with partners to build courts in both places as well as paying lost wages to arena workers after the NBA shut down due to COVID-19 in 2020. For Williamson, it’s part of fulfilling a promise to friends back home that he’d never forget where he came from and how he got to the NBA, as he told us in a recent Zoom call on behalf of Mountain Dew as they get set to launch a new partnership with NBA 2K22.

To start, I want to talk some about what you do in the community and some of the things that you’ve been involved in recently. I know with Dew a couple years ago you did some new courts in Spartanburg, and then you just did another one in New Orleans. I’s early in your career, and you’re kind of finding your way in the NBA, but why was it important to you to make sure that you’re having an impact right away, both at home in South Carolina and in New Orleans in your new community?

I felt like it was important because anybody that knows my story, they know that I worked out at McLeod Park in Florence (SC), an outdoor court. When I partnered with Mountain Dew they looked at my story, and they got to learn about me. And so they came up with this great idea to not only give back to my community back in Spartanburg, SC but also to my new home in Louisiana. When I saw what they did with the courts, I was just, I was blown away. Now I really appreciate Mountain Dew for doing that because I get a lot of pictures from friends back home, hooping on it, and I’m just grateful they did that.

Who were the people that influenced you in your life that make you want to make sure you’re giving back and make sure that you’re being more than just, somebody that kids can look up to on the basketball court but also with what you do off of it?

I think it’s just the people you meet along the way, that I met along the way of elementary, middle school, high school, college, anybody that I’ve had in my life. You know when I’m talking to them, when I’m talking to my friends, we’re always talking about like, if we ever make it big, we’re not going to forget where we came from. We’re not going to forget the people that was there with us. When we were, you know just grinding and trying to have a chance at our dream.

When did you realize that you kind of have this influence? Obviously you blew up on social media in high school, but when did you realize you had this influence on the younger generation and recognize kind of the responsibility that comes with that?

I would say my junior year, when I started blowing up on social media, and the world got worried about me. I was in my junior year of high school.

How have you learned to navigate that and work within that and use that for some positive good? Because obviously like you’ve done with the courts and other things, you’ve been able to leverage that platform you have to give back?

It was something that I learned when I was just a kid. You know, those moments when you’re with your friends whether it’s at AAU tournaments or just at school, dreaming about possibilities, that we can have in this life. You know I think I learned about it then, when I was just a kid. Whether I was making it to the NBA or not, I just wanted to give back to my community in some kind of way.

You’ve got the 2K/Dew partnership coming up. What can fans look forward to in the game that’s going to be coming with that?

Fans can look forward to Mountain Dew’s Three-Point Contest within the game. I know for my character I’m in that contest a lot. Probably let them win four or five consecutive years in MyCareer or something, you know, just to show the world what I can do in the game. But yeah, I think that’s something the fans can look forward to.

How do you play with your character in the game? Like do you try to play it true to how you play in the actual league or are you more willing to step out and l shoot a little more in the game that’s maybe a little different than how people have seen you in your first couple years on the court?

I’m one of those guys that when I play 2K I try to play like real life. Like when it comes to my teammates, whether I use another team, how they played when they played against me or when I see them play, or how I played and how my teammates played. But I try to keep it like that so when I do stuff on the court, it’s still realistic. I’m not making up false realities, I’m just trying to keep it real. And my friends, they’ll say something from time to time like, it’s a video game. Just have fun.

I know LeBron has said in the past that he uses 2K to scout guys, have you ever done that? Use the game to kind of get a feel for guys, especially when you were coming into the league and getting ready to play some of these guys for the first time, did you ever use that as a scouting tool?

Yeah, I saw that interview actually. I took a deeper look into it, and it’s actually funny because 2K, they’re really advanced with how they scout. So, sometimes 2K has some people on the money with how they actually play. It’s like, wow! It is a little bit of a scouting report.

Lastly, New Orleans is one of my favorite cities to visit. It’s particularly because it is one of the best food cities in the country. I gotta ask, you been there for a couple years now. What are your favorite spots around the city that you’ve discovered?

[Long, contemplative pause] I gotta go with Drago’s. I think that was just one of the first places I went to. I gotta go with Drago’s. I think they’re seafood pasta is amazing, so we’ll go Drago’s.

The Blessed Madonna has shared a bumping new remix of Elton John and Dua Lipa’s joint single “Cold Heart,” which is part of John’s upcoming collaborative album The Lockdown Sessions. Leaning into the original’s club-ready beat, The Blessed Madonna’s take on “Cold Heart” amps things up with shimmering synths and fast-paced snare. Meanwhile, the visualizer is a trippy animated journey through space, time, and anthropomorphic shrubbery.

“Like just about everyone on the planet, I stand in awe of Elton John and Dua Lipa,” The Blessed Madonna said about her remix. “It was such an enormous honor to be asked to be a part of their collaboration which is such a beautiful project. I immediately loved the song and I tried very hard to do it justice. It is nothing but pure joy to be in the orbit of these icons and their great big, warm beautiful hearts. I appreciate all of you listening.”

John’s The Lockdown Sessions, out on October 22, also features Gorillaz, Miley Cyrus, Stevie Wonder, Stevie Nicks, Nicki Minaj, and Young Thug. John originally said of the project:

“The last thing I expected to do during lockdown was make an album. But, as the pandemic went on, one‐off projects kept cropping up. Some of the recording sessions had to be done remotely, via Zoom, which I’d obviously never done before. Some of the sessions were recorded under very stringent safety regulations: working with another artist, but separated by glass screens. But all the tracks I worked on were really interesting and diverse, stuff that was completely different to anything I’m known for, stuff that took me out of my comfort zone into completely new territory. And I realized there was something weirdly familiar about working like this. At the start of my career, in the late 60s, I worked as a session musician. Working with different artists during lockdown reminded me of that. I’d come full circle: I was a session musician again. And it was still a blast.”

Listen to the remix above.

The Lockdown Sessions is out 10/22 via Interscope. Pre-order it here.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Billions is back and things are weird

Good news and… not necessarily “bad” news. It’s not bad. It’s just a little unsettling. But we’ll start with the good because it is Friday and on Friday we prioritize good vibes.

Billions is back. Finally. The Showtime series aired half of its fifth season back at the beginning of the pandemic (yes, it’s strange how easily we throw around phrases like “back at the beginning of the pandemic” now), and then it went on a lonnnng hiatus, and now it is back to wrap up its season. I’m happy about this because Billions is the best. It’s so much fun. There are zero likable characters. Everyone is either an awful hedge fund person or a slimy lawyer or someone who enables one of those two for money. They spend one hour a week trying to ruin each other. That’s it. That’s the show. Just revenge and treachery from opening credits to closing credits, briefly interrupted by Paul Giamatti going to BDSM clubs and having women beat the hell out of him. It’s a good time.

This brings us to the weird news. When the show came back after this long hiatus, about four or five minutes into its first new episode in months, Paul Giamatti — who plays a former U.S. Attorney who just got himself elected Attorney General of New York and is already using his office to try to pressure inmates into giving a kidney to his ailing father, because Billions, bless its jet-black soul, never stops being Billions even for one second — looked like this.

I…

I mean…

The bottom line here is that I was not really prepared to see a clean-shaven Giamatti. It’s not like I’ve never seen him clean-shaven. He’s been clean-shaven in movies and stuff before. It’s just that it’s been so long and he has such a perfect face for facial hair and… I don’t know. The episode aired back on Sunday and I’m still thinking about it. I’ve been talking about it all week. When I pitched it to my editor as the lead section of this column, his response was “lol you are so disturbed by this.” Which is true. It’s not quite “Sam Elliott showing up on Justified without a mustache and looking like a turtle that lost its shell,” but it’s close. I will not post a picture of that one here because I need all of us to focus, but Google it when we’re done. And watch Justified if you haven’t. Or again if you have.

The best part is that the other characters on the show noticed, too. Right after we saw him for the first time, another character walked in and commented on it. And when that character commented on it, Giamatti’s character said this.

It worked on the show. It did not work here. I am making a whole thing out of it, quite literally. I’m telling everyone. I’m still typing words about it right now even though most rational people would have given it one paragraph, maximum. I apologize to Paul Giamatti and most of you for how worked up I am about this. It’s just… I don’t know. It’s not that he looks bad. He looks good! This is definitely more of a me thing than a him thing. I’m self-aware enough to realize that.

I’ll get over it, eventually. I’m sure I will. I got over Sam Elliott’s naked upper lip a few episodes into the season. I mean, well enough to focus on the action, at least. I’m obviously not over it all the way, based on the thing where I’m still talking about it today, years after it happened. I suspect this Giamatti thing will stick with me for a while, too. It’s just how my brain works. I could have a conversation with you today and forget it all by tomorrow but these suckers are locked in the vault for good. I’m sure it’s fine.

Anyway, if you were wondering if this lack of facial hair prevented him in any way from being his delightful and expressive self, from delivering lines and gestures like the goddamn champion of the arts he is and has been for decades, please be assured that you do not have to worry about that at all.

All hail our newly hairless king. May his reign be long and fruitful. Although if he wants to grow back the goatee…

I mean…

That would be okay, too.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — MKW

Michael K. Williams passed away this week. He was 54 years old. It’s a huge bummer any way you look at it, not just because he was a talented actor. He was that, though. He was one of those guys who made everything he was in a little bit better. Sometimes he made things a lot better. All of the tributes to him started with his performance as Omar on The Wire, which is fair, because that’s on a short list of both the best characters and best performances in television history. A gay stickup man who makes a living by robbing Baltimore’s most notorious drug dealers. Making all of that work, not letting it slip into caricature, especially almost 20 years ago when the show premiered… that’s something. And it’s even more impressive when you read stuff like this that drives home how involved he was in making it all happen:

“They kept writing,” Williams told me. “I knew that dude was gay. All they kept doing: Omar rubs the boy’s lips. Omar rubs the boy’s hair. Omar holds the boy’s hand.”

In one first-season scene, Williams and Michael Kevin Darnall, who played one of Omar’s early stickup partners and love interest, decided that the two should share an unscripted passionate kiss.

It caught the director off guard. But the scene stayed in, adding a new layer of complexity and realism to an early 2000s show that was initially centered on pitting cops against drug dealers. And it fit seamlessly into “The Wire,” and Omar’s story.

He was good in other stuff, too. He was good as Chalky White in Boardwalk Empire, a show that always felt like it was one or two degrees away from being another HBO classic. People went nuts about his performance in Lovecraft Country. He popped up as a professor in a later season of Community and showed everyone he could do comedy, too, which should not have been much of a surprise, really.

He was also, by almost all accounts, a good dude who was chased by some demons. Go read a bunch of tributes that were written this week. No one has a bad word to say about him. Go watch his appearance on No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain. It is deeply sad that both of those guys are gone now, but it’s also deeply cool that they both made such an impression in the time they were here.

There’s not much else to say that hasn’t been said already and better by a ton of people. Mostly, it’s just really sad. If there’s any silver lining to be found anywhere, it’s that a lot of us ended up spending a week talking about how great Michael K. Williams was. It’s just a shame we didn’t do it under better circumstances.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — I’m sorry but I cannot get over this David Chase story

This is the second trailer for the upcoming Sopranos prequel movie Many Saints of Newark, from the creator of the series, David Chase. It’s got Ray Liotta in it, which is good. It’s got James Gandolfini’s son Michael playing Young Tony, which is also cool. It does not have a now-79-year-old Tony Sirico playing a teenage Paulie Walnuts, which is kind of a bummer because that would have been hilarious, but still. Pretty good. I’m excited. I might just go ahead and rewatch The Sopranos now. I need a winter project anyway.

But that’s not the point right now. The point is that David Chase is out doing press for the movie and, as part of that press, he gave one of the wildest answers to any question you’ll ever see. Look at this, from the very end of a lengthy chat with Deadline.

DEADLINE: Anything you want my readers to know that I should have asked you?

CHASE: Well, I’ve dreamed about people asking me this question because I’ve dreamed about finally giving the answer to it.

DEADLINE: Let’s hear it.

CHASE: And the answer to the question is this. It says in Wikipedia that my name was David DeCesare, but that’s not true. My name was never David DeCesare, and I’ve tried to get them to remove all this. My name, I was born with the name David Chase. My father was born with the name DeCesare, and he changed it back in the ’30s. So I didn’t change my name. That was never my name, and when we first started The Sopranos, I said to HBO, should I go back to my Italian name, our family name? And they said no because you’re known. I wasn’t even that well known, but people know you by this name. So, I didn’t, but it turns out the name DeCesare, it turns out that my father’s father…how can I put this? My grandmother had six children by a guy named DeCesare up in Provincetown, and then a lodger moved into the house who was like 17, and she took up with him and had two more children, which she pawned off as the original guy’s, but actually were kids of the lodger. And so, my father was one of those kids. So, my name really isn’t even DeCesare. The other guy’s name was Fusco, and that’s what my name really should be.

That’s incredible. David Chase is out here airing all his family business — the secret stuff, too, that most people don’t even tell their oldest friends or possibly spouses — and he’s doing it more or less unprompted in a widely read industry website. The dude was like, “Hey, what else you got?” and instead of saying something like, “Actually, Meadow Soprano goes on to become the Governor of New Jersey,” he really just dropped a whole story about his grandma having secret love children with a teenage lodger and tricking his grandpa into raising them. Just marvelous.

Easily the best answer to a question I’ve seen since the time former Clippers owner Donald Sterling did, well, this in an actual deposition.

“Is this your handwriting?” A million comedy writers with five million cans of LaCroix couldn’t have come up with a better punchline. Just perfect.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Bless Lana Wachowski for making a movie where Keanu Reeves has a rubber ducky on his head

Well, guess what: There’s another Matrix movie on the way. You probably knew that. It’s called Matrix Resurrections. You probably knew that, too. The trailer came out yesterday. I’ll stop telling you things that you already know.

I have no idea if this movie will be good. The original Matrix movies weren’t really my thing from a storytelling perspective. I know and understand why a lot of people dug them, and I watched them all in the theater, but they weren’t something that resonated with me the way, say, Speed or John Wick did, to stay on the Keanu-related topic at hand. I’m a simple man with a short attention span. Bus can’t slow down? Got it. Man goes on a murderous rampage because Theon from Game of Thrones killed his dog? Sure. A three-film examination of free will with robots and bendy spoons and reality itself twisting into a pretzel? I can dig it, but you’ll need to give me a second to get my bearings.

They did look cool as hell, though. All the time. The Wachowskis made three visually stunning and inventive movies. And now Lana Wachowski appears to have done it again. That trailer is cooler and more intense than most of the full-length movies I’ve seen this year. Watch it right now. Watch it again if you’ve already seen it. Look at Jonathan Groff popping in this thing. Good for him.

My favorite part, though, to the surprise of no one who has read this column even one time, was this…

Bless Lana Wachowski.

Bless Keanu Reeves.

Bless bubble baths and rubber duckies.

Bless all of us for getting to experience this moment together. I don’t think any of us expected to see Keanu Reeves with a rubber ducky on his head back when this week started, but here we are. Life is never as dull as you think it is. Sometimes you just have to be patient and wait for a cool thing to happen. It’s a good lesson to remember.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — We are going to Ibiza

Twin Peaks creator David Lynch has a new nightclub in Ibiza, which I bring to your attention for three equally important reasons:

• I wanted to type the phrase “David Lynch has a new nightclub in Ibiza”
• I wanted to share that Instagram post with pictures from David Lynch’s new nightclub in Ibiza
• We are all going to David Lynch’s new nightclub in Ibiza

Tell me everything all at once, please.

Right on the beach, the space is decorated with huge fabric tentacles, giant lips and swing seats. The whimsical decorations were created by Miranda Makaroff, an artist with a penchant for Instagram-friendly installations.

It’s on the east side of the island, and party-goers can expect DJ sets and cocktails at the bar. There’s also a very beautiful, Balearic-inspired restaurant, which is less Blue Velvet and more hand-fired ceramics.

I clicked on the link to this nightclub — called El Silencio, naturally — so fast I almost knocked my soda over. I looked at the pictures for a bit, but then I saw a link to the menu and I clicked on that so hard I almost spilled my soda again, because I am incapable of seeing a link to a menu and not clicking on it. And looking at that menu has resulted in an update to one of my previous statements.

We are all going to David Lynch’s nightclub in Ibiza and ordering churros. It’s settled.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Sonny:

Long time reader here. I’ve been thinking way too much recently about potentiel cross-overs between franchises, shows or just actors. Some are easy to forget, but there is one I just can’t and I think you are the expert on the matter. I think the best action franchises right now are Mission Impossible and John Wick (I mean no disrespect to Fast and Furious)
So it is just a simple question.

Would you rather have Keanu Reeves in a Mission Impossible movie or Tom Cruise or a John Wick movie ?

But then, every other cross over idea that I have between those two guys seems great. Even Keanu Reeves in space.

Please tell me if I am thinking way too much into this or help me kickstart a movie between those two.

My friend, you are thinking exactly the right amount on this. I’ve been thinking about it maybe five times a day since this email hit my inbox. And my answer is… actually a question. Are you ready? Because you’re either going to cheer or groan here. So know that going in. Okay…

What if we just take both of them and drop them into the sequel to The Accountant that I just found out about last week? I mean, if we’re letting our brains go wild on improbable things, if we’re operating the entire film industry with a mission of “let’s cater directly to Brian and Sonny,” then let’s go all out. Pull Statham in, too, as his character from Spy. Get Helen Mirren in there. Send Ludacris back to space. I would watch this movie 700 times on basic cable. I would show up late to a wedding and be like “Sorry, I was watchi-” and everyone would groan and say “Yeah, we know.” It would not be great. But it would be worth it,

Hey, looky here, a bonus second question…

From Kyle:

Parks and Rec established that Ginuwine wrote Pony out of his love for Li’l Sebastian. Only Murders in the Building heavily implies that Sting wrote Don’t Stand So Close To Me out of his hatred for dogs. Are there any other songs out there just waiting for a tv show to rewrite their history?

I don’t have any great reasoning or explanation here. I just want it. Sometimes that’s enough.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Paris!

Thieves struck the Bulgari store in Paris’s Place Vendome today, making off with around €10 million in jewellery after leading police on a high-speed chase that saw two of the suspects captured, sources told AFP.

PARISIAN JEWELRY HEIST

The attack on the luxury store in the heart of the French capital occurred around noon and officers arrived at the scene shortly after, a police source said.

PARISIAN JEWELRY HEIST IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

The suspects fled in a grey BMW and on two scooters, with one arrested after he was shot in the leg by police.

PARISIAN JEWELRY HEIST IN BROAD DAYLIGHT FOLLOWED BY HIGH-SPEED SCOOTER CHASE

It was the latest of several jewellery heists in Paris over the summer.

TELL ME OTHER PARISIAN JEWELRY HEISTS HAVE INVOLVED SCOOTER CHASES

PLEASE

I NEED THIS

On July 27, a man stole two million euros’ worth of jewels from a Chaumet boutique before escaping on an electric scooter. He was arrested the next day with an accomplice, and most of the items were recovered.

YES

YESSSSSS

PUT THIS ALL IN NEXT SEASON OF LUPIN

PUT IT IN EVERY MOVIE

I’M SO HAPPY

I MIGHT NEVER TURN OFF CAPS LOCK

Brooklyn drill stalwart Fivio Foreign may have eased up on his 2020 momentum earlier this year thanks to an unfortunate run-in with the police this past spring but now that he’s back out on the streets, he’s also been right back in the studio, revealing the results with the harrowing video for “Story Time,” his first new single since April’s “Self Made.”

True to its title, the “Story Time” video finds Fivio holding court as his friends huddle around him while he narrates the tragic experience of incarceration. “Let me tell a little sad story about this young boy,” he starts, before reeling off the kid’s struggles with the system and the abuses he experiences at the hands of callous agents of the state. As Fivio narrates, the scenes play out in vivid, vicious detail, following the young boy as he’s processed into the penitentiary, then forced to adapt to survive the harsh conditions.

The new single helps Fivio get back on track in the rollout to his upcoming album Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (that spells “B.I.B.L.E.,” in case you missed it). He hasn’t revealed a release date yet, but after appearing on Lil Tjay’s “Headshot” and Hit-Boy’s “Salute,” he was positioned for plenty of attention early this year. We’ll see if his short bid took any of the wind out of his sails — and whether strong showings like “Story Time” can bring some of it back.

Watch Fivio Foreign’s “Story Time” video above.

In a time when kindness for others is in very short supply, original Blue’s Clues host Steve Burns reemerged with a sweet video addressing what he’s been up to since he left the children’s program in 2002 and, more importantly, offering words of encouragement to all the viewers who used to help him find clues when they were kids. It was a welcome moment of wholesome goodness that didn’t leave a dry eye on the internet, or on the set of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

While reacting to the video during Thursday night’s episode, Colbert struggled to keep his composure by repeatedly asserting that he’s impervious to Burns’ sweet, emotional message. “Now, I was grown up in the late ’90s. Although I was aware of the show because of my kids, those kids are all grown up and moved away now,” Colbert said. “So obviously, I have no emotional investment in Steve.”

Naturally, Colbert’s tough wall didn’t hold up, and the late-night host found himself getting genuinely choked up as Burns concluded the video by saying, “I guess I just wanted to say that after all these years, I never forgot you, ever.” While Colbert attempted to joke that “I feel nothing,” Burns walked on set and asked, “Are you sure about that, Stephen?” prompting the late-night host to get up and immediately hug the Blue’s Clues star.

It was another welcome moment of kindness to cap off Burn’s video, and is it getting dusty in here? Just so much dust getting in our eyes. Definitely dust.

(Via The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Vanity Fair)

After dazzling in 2019 with her phenomenal debut album, Shea Butter Baby, Ari Lennox kept things cool, calm, and collected in 2020. She made a few appearances on Dreamville’s Revenge Of The Dreamers III and Spillage Village’s Spilligion while delivering some singles of her own. They included her Shea Butter Baby remix EP, which delivered updated takes of tracks from her debut. As for 2021, it seems like Lennox could be bringing fans closer to the long-awaited release of her sophomore album and the road towards the project begins with her brand new single, “Pressure.”

The singer’s newest release is fun and free-spirited as it captures Lennox delivering sultry lines about her passionate love life with her new partner. Dreamville’s First Lady declares she’s “okay with being nasty” and adds, “Don’t need nobody but I’ll take you down tonight.” She also delivers a vibrant visual for the song that depicts her in a number of throwback looks which add to the fun of the new song.

“Pressure” arrives after Summer Walker confirmed Lennox, along with Lil Durk and SZA, will appear on her upcoming album. If you’re looking to catch Lennox live in concert, you’ll be able to do so at HER’s upcoming Lights On Festival in Brooklyn. As for her more recent releases, Lennox’s last release came alongside Queen Naija for “Set Him Up.”

You can press play on the new single in the video above.

Fox News‘ Rachel Campos-Duffy’s taste in men is a notorious subject that she can’t escape, and now, she’s kinda thirsting over the North Korean dictator. That’s quite a statement there, so let’s briefly back up. Rachel rose to pop-culture fame in the mid 1990s on The Real World‘s San Francisco edition. She’s never hidden her outspoken conservative ways, which ran against her inexplicable attraction to roommate and co-star Puck Rainey. They kissed on the show, which was something that her now-husband, Sean Duffy, teased her about during a Real World/Road Rules crossover event, and she had no explanation for her attraction to Puck. It was awkward.

Fast forward to 2021, and Duffy’s been a Republican congressman (out of Wisconsin) for a few terms, during which he’s complained about not making enough money. Rachel’s been TV co-hosting here and there, including some guest spots at The View, but her primary workplace is Fox News, where she pops up on weekend editions of Fox and Friends and so on. Well, she got super excited about the supposed new physique of Trump buddy Kim Jong-Un.

Move over, Jimmy Kimmel, because Rachel’s getting in on this while taking a shot at Joe Biden: “He does look good! I’m sorry, he looks better than our president.”

Oh boy. Yes, it’s a little strange to thirst (even in jest) over a dictator, and there’s really no telling whether this is even Kim Jong-Un at all, given that North Korea is even more propaganda-heavy that we could possibly realize. Rachel’s co-host even floats the idea (which might not even be a conspiracy theory, given that North Korea can never be believed) that this is a body double, and she still seems into it. Alright!

One more thing: Kim Jong-Un is 27, and Biden is 78 years old. Obviously, gonna be a difference there, though arguing any point here is equally as silly as what’s happening in this video clip.