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The Delta variant of the novel coronavirus has once again made Hollywood push pause on a number of projects that were supposed to hit theaters, but one Marvel movie apparently has found an opening in the schedule and actually moved up its release date to earlier in the fall.

Deadline reported on Monday that the Venom sequel that had seen a delay to October 15 — and was reportedly in danger of another push into 2022 — actually pushed its release up two weeks. This comes following a series of delays and rumors about its release date that seem to have been tied to how well another Marvel film, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, performed over Labor Day amid the still-ongoing pandemic.

It was the worst kept secret in Hollywood that Sony was bound to vacate Venom: Let There Be Carnage from its Oct. 15 release date, but after the enormous $90M Labor Day weekend success of Disney/Marvel’s Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, the Culver City lot has decided to go earlier with their own Marvel sequel on Oct. 1.

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This returns Venom to its early October stomping ground, the first movie in 2018 setting an opening domestic record for the month with $80.2M before Warner Bros’ Joker pushed the Marvel pic to No. 2 for October a year later with $96.2M. I’ve heard that tracking among males is really hot for Venom 2, and Sony has every reason in the world to keep it in 2021 versus pushing the Andy Serkis-directed pic to January 22 (which was the rumor).

It’s certainly welcome news for fans who wanted to see Let There Be Carnage as soon as possible, and Shang-Chi setting a box office record over the weekend seems to indicate, despite all the Black Widow drama about poor box office numbers, that people still will go out and see movies in the pandemic. Given the chaos that the first Tom Hardy-let Venom had in it, this certainly has a lot of buzz heading into the fall. As the Deadline report notes, there was a lot of competition for the film on October 15, so they decided to let everyone get a little Carnage at the start of the month, as a treat.

[via Deadline]

Chvrches are fresh off the release of a new album, Screen Violence. As a band does when they have something new to push, they’ve been on the promotional circuit in recent days, and this weekend, they took to CBS This Morning to perform for the program’s “Saturday Sessions” series. For the show, the group took to the stage to perform Screen Violence highlights “Good Girls,” “He Said She Said,” and “California.”

In a recent interview, the band told Uproxx about the origins of Screen Violence, with Lauren Mayberry saying, “Screen Violence was actually a proposed band name that we didn’t end up using. So, we were thinking in summer 2019 of what we wanted to do and then that list of names resurface and that phrase just really jumped out of the page. ‘Cause we all love that, filmmaking and making a David Cronenberg-y take on it and the questions that he was posing. And even sonically, a lot of the instruments that we use and the composers and writers that we admire were working on those films. And then after writing a few songs, I think for me, it was partly talking about violence through screens and by screens. […] I think that’s been really fun to play with, especially with the imagery on the record and the imagery in terms of the album artwork and the videos and the visuals. How can you take that genre and bend it to tell your stories?”

Check out the CBS This Morning performance above.

Screen Violence is out now via Glassnote. Get it here.

Jason Momoa isn’t done with his role in Aquaman just yet, and a new move in the DC franchise actually means he’s getting a new suit to smolder in. The actor revealed over the weekend that his aquatic-based superhero will have a new look for a second film in the franchise, debuting it on Instagram to much acclaim.

Momoa won’t reprise his role in Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom until next winter, but he’s already showing off his battle suit from the upcoming picture. He posted it to Instagram on Sunday and drew rave reviews from fans familiar with the Stealth Suit he will rock at some point in the movie.

“Second round. New suit. More action,” Momoa wrote on Instagram.

The suit drew plenty of reaction, and even The Rock seemed to like it. And the film’s director, James Wan, also shared the images on Sunday with an explanation of what direction the film wanted to take the look.

“Atlantean tech based on cephalopod’s camouflaging ability,” Wan wrote, explaining what he and Aquaman 2’s writer intended for the outfit. “David Leslie Johnson and I were inspired by the 80s ‘blue suit.’”

We’ll have to wait and see what that cephalopod technology can do in the movie next year when it arrives on December 16, 2022.

Cardi B started 2021 by sparking pregnancy rumors that turned out to be inaccurate. Not too long after that, though, she actually got pregnant, which she announced at the BET Awards this summer. Now, that process has reached the next logical step: Over the weekend, Cardi gave birth to her second child.

Today, she shared a photo from the hospital, of her holding the baby in her arms as she and Offset gaze at it. Cardi’s caption is seemingly the child’s date of birth: “9/4/21.”

Cardi has yet to share any other information about the child, like its sex or name. On a related note, though, she did recently address Texas’ new abortion laws, tweeting on the day of her child’s birth, “It’s crazy how they only giving women 6 weeks I didn’t even know I was pregnant till around 11.This country is soo damn backwards.”

This new baby is the latest addition to Cardi and Offset’s family, as the pair already has a daughter together, Kulture, who celebrated her third birthday this summer. She did so in supreme style, too, getting a six-figure watch from her parents.

Cardi B is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

One of the cooler parts of the PlayStation 5 is the ability to play any PlayStation 4 game on it. It’s given players a huge library of games to choose from and play on their console while we wait for developers to start developing for it. Another perk has been that the majority of next-gen upgrades for those PS4 games have been free. Games such as Yakuza: Like A Dragon, Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, and Final Fantasy VII Remake all required no additional charge to get next-gen perks. Even the upcoming Horizon Forbidden West will feature a free next-gen upgrade for players who purchase the standard or special editions. Unfortunately, it appears that will be the last of its kind.

In a PlayStation Blog Jim Ryan, President, and CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment, announced that moving forward these next-gen upgrades will no longer be a free upgrade if they were developed by PlayStation. Games such as God of War: Ragnarok and Gran Turismo 7, originally PS5 exclusives, will be available on both consoles but anyone who purchases the PS4 version will have to pay the $10 fee to get a next-gen upgrade.

Last year we made a commitment to deliver free upgrades for our cross-gen launch titles, which included Horizon Forbidden West. While the pandemic’s profound impact pushed Forbidden West out of the launch window we initially envisioned, we will stand by our offer: Players who purchase Horizon Forbidden West on PlayStation 4 will be able to upgrade to the PlayStation 5 version for free.

I also want to confirm today that moving forward, PlayStation first-party exclusive cross-gen titles (newly releasing on PS4 & PS5)–both digital and physical*–will offer a $10 USD digital upgrade option from PS4 to PS5. This will apply to the next God of War and Gran Turismo 7, and any other exclusive cross-gen PS4 & PS5 title published by Sony Interactive Entertainment.

This is unfortunate news, but there is a little bit of logic to it. PS5 games developed by Sony are going to cost $70 while PS4 games still cost the original $60 price tag from the last generation. Since every PS4 game can be played on a PS5 there is nothing stopping someone from buying the PS4 version of a new game and then upgrading the game to give themselves a $10 discount. By requiring that players pay the $10 fee they’re essentially telling them that they must pay the full price of the game.

While the move logically makes sense, that doesn’t mean it’s one that anyone has to be happy about. The $70 barrier is already touchy for a lot of people, and right now it’s only Sony that is pushing it as a constant. They’re determined to make $70 games the new norm and some fans are not going to get on board with that. However, with PS5’s still selling incredibly well it doesn’t seem like their policy decisions are hurting them right now.

Another month has gone by in a flash, and that means a whole new slate of video games are on the way. While 2021 hasn’t been short of great games to play, we’re starting to move into some of the larger AAA releases. September is always in the awkward middle ground between holiday releases and the traditionally slower summer. However, there’s usually a big hit here and there worth playing. With big-time titles, a yearly sports game, and potentially the finale of a franchise, we’re getting a lot to play this month.

While this list doesn’t follow an exact ranking system, we always like to say that the best deal in video games right now is a mix of Gamepass and the PlayStation Plus games. It’s hard to pass up on multiple free games a month and that’s what these two deals give us. With that in mind, these are the games that we think everyone should play in the month of September.

PlayStation Plus Games (PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5)

PlayStation owners got a big win this month. Overcooked is one of the most entertaining multiplayer experiences out there and is a must-play for anyone that has a significant other they like to game with. It’s also a really good time for anyone that likes to play on their own. However, this particular deal is only available to PlayStation 5 owners, so PlayStation 4 players beware.

That said, PlayStation 4 owners are still in a pretty good spot with Hitman 2 available for download. One of the best games of the last few years, Hitman 2 is a great time for anyone that enjoys stealth games. Of course, what’s great about Hitman is that every mission can be done, but the player choosing stealth is more a recommended option than an outright requirement.

Finally, there’s a multiplayer game based on the Predator series. Predator: Hunting Grounds didn’t light the world on fire when it came out, but anyone who’s a fan of the movies may want to give this a try since it’s a free download.

Games With Gold (Xbox ONE, Xbox Series X/S)

Games With Gold continues its trend of giving away two Xbox 360 games alongside two others. This month isn’t quite as strong as the PlayStation lineup, but it does feature Zone of the Enders HD Collection. That’s two games in one, which means that in reality, these are five games available to Xbox Gold and Gamepass Ultimate members. Zone of the Enders is a hack and slash game from the creator of Metal Gear Solid, Hideo Kojima. Since Kojima is involved, that means it’s going to be wacky and out of control, so expect a good time.

Warhammer: Chaosbane is reminiscent to Gauntlet to anyone who ever played it. It’s a top-down perspective action RPG and can be a good time with friends. There is also Mulaka, an absolutely gorgeous-looking game from 2018. It flew under the radar when it came out, but everyone who’s played it can’t speak highly enough about how great a game it is.

Rounding out the Xbox titles is Samurai Shodown II. This is a fighting game that was first released in 1994, so the audience for it will be small, but it has some unique aspects such as weapons and the rage system.

Deathloop (PlayStation 5, PC)

Finally, we’re going to get our hands on Deathloop. This is a game that has been getting teased for more than a year, but multiple delays pushed it all the way back to September of this year. The delays appear to have done the game some good because the last few looks showed a game with some fun mechanics, an intriguing setting, and enjoyable characters. The big hook of the game is, of course, that everyone wants the main character dead and it’s up to them to kill their way off of this island. Fail and they’re looped right back to the beginning, forced to try again.

One of the big questions about Deathloop is how long a playthrough takes. Most loop-based games like this can be finished in one sitting, but if it’s a longer game, then the penalty for failure being that the player is sent all the way back to the beginning feels very harsh. However, the environment looks fun to explore, so maybe being forced to go back to start won’t be too bad. We’ll just have to wait until we can finally get our hands on it.

Kena: Bridge of Spirits (PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5, PC)

Kena: Bridge of Spirits is one of those games that hooks someone the first time they look at it. The art style is gorgeous, and on next-generation hardware, it’s going to look even better. The trailers have given off a very Legend of Zelda vibe to them, but while those games are more about puzzles, this seems more about combat and exploration. Who wouldn’t want to get super into exploring a game that looks as great as this one does?

This looks like a game with so much potential behind it. The setting and art show a world that someone can get lost in. If it has a story that is intriguing enough to keep us going, then this game could really be something special. We can’t wait to get our hands on it later this month.

Lost Judgment (PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S)

The next game in the Yakuza spin-off series, Lost Judgment is the continuation of Takayuki Yagami’s story. There’s a lot of excitement and high expectations behind this one because this is essentially a new franchise for SEGA. The mainline Yakuza series is going off in a more JRPG-focused direction while Judgment is going to follow the action brawler roots that the franchise was built on.

There’s a lot of reason to be excited about Lost Judgment. The first game had an excellent story, a really great cast of characters, and it still had that Yakuza charm that makes the series so beloved. This is going to be more of that with a foundation to build on top of. Unfortunately, there’s also a bit of a cloud hanging over this. A contract dispute between Takuya Kimura, the voice and likeness for Takayuki Yagami, and SEGA could mean an early ending for the series. This might be the final Judgment game, so let’s hope it ends on a strong note.

Lost in Random (PlayStation 4, Xbox One, PC)

We actually got to take part in an early preview event for Lost in Random and played the first few hours of the game. This game is a storybook come to life with an art style straight out of any Tim Burton movie. The setting is interesting: What if there was a world where everyone’s fate was decided by a dice roll? Children who roll a six get to live the rest of their life in a land of riches next to the queen, while those who roll a one are forced to live at the bottom of the world’s food chain.

Well, the land of One is exactly where main character Odd lives, and when her sister Even rolls a six, she’s taken away from her. Odd sets forth on an adventure to rescue her sister, and with a little dice block friend of her own, she’s quite capable in combat. Lost in Random has a really unique combat system. The player will have a deck of cards that they can pull powers from, but to utilize them, they need to roll their dice. This creates a fun mix of action-adventure and deck building elements. It all works together really well and makes Lost in Random worth checking out.

NBA 2K22 (PlayStation 4, Playstation 5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S, Switch, PC)

The latest game in the NBA 2K franchise! While fans of 2K are growing a little tiresome at the franchise focusing so little on the basketball part of the game, it’s still one of the better-developed sports simulation games out there. NBA 2K22 will also have the advantage of being the first game in the franchise to be developed with next-gen consoles in mind. 2K21 released before the PS5 and Xbox Series X/S were out so it couldn’t dive too deep into the new technology. 2K22 however is coming out with almost a full year of next-gen consoles being available. This means they can utilize all the tricks new technology is allowing them.

Where 2K22 is going to really hit or miss with some fans is the microtransactions. These games have gotten more egregious with their use of microtransactions over the years, and the game now costs $70 so fans are putting up with less. 2K22 is a chance to get back in these fan’s good graces, however.

WarioWare: Get It Together! (Switch)

One of the best party games out there, Warioware: Get It Together was a surprise announcement during E3. These games are always chaotic, but they also feature some of the best minigames of any party game out there. There’s a reason everyone who loves Nintendo lost their minds when they saw it announced.

Of course, these games are also typically light on content. While Warioware is really fun it’s hard to sell people on getting them at pricetag above $40 because usually everything there is to do can be found in only a few hours of playing. Unless you’re someone that really loves the Warioware series this is a game that might be worth waiting on a sale or price drop to get.

New World (PC)

The last time Amazon tried to release a game it went so poorly that they pulled it off shelves. New World, the MMO that Amazon has been developing for years, will finally hit the public this September. The Beta received a little bit of praise, but there were a lot of complaints about it not being optimized very well for PC’s that aren’t running the best hardware. This is a problem for a game entering a genre that is currently being dominated by Final Fantasy XIV.

Despite all this, there’s a fascination with New World because of who is working on it. Amazon has the kind of limitless resources that even giants of the video game industry like EA and Activision do not have. If New World is a success that would be a huge first step toward Amazon becoming a legitimate video game developer. If it flops though then we have to question what it is they’re doing in this space.

The Artful Escape (Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S, PC)

The Artful Escape has the look of one of those games that really make us think about the role of art in video games. The trailer features a plethora of colors and unique landscapes, but it approaches that setting in a really fun way through music. Anyone that’s ever wanted to play an instrument knows the exact feeling this game is going for.

Anyone who enjoys platformers, music, or really gorgeous looking games is going to want to give The Artful Escape a glance. It doesn’t look like it’s going to change the video game landscape, but it is one of those games that’s going to deserve the attention it gets.

Doja Cat’s “Get Into It (Yuh)” has a lot of influence from Nicki Minaj, so much so that Doja even acknowledges it in the song’s closing lines: “Thank you, Nicki, I love you / Got that big rocket launcher!” Minaj was actually meant to feature on the song, but she turned down the opportunity. Now, she has explained why.

Over the weekend, Minaj joined a fan’s Twitter Spaces conversation (as HotNewHipHop notes), and during her visit, a fan speculated that Minaj was too busy to guest on Doja’s album. Minaj set the record straight on that, though, saying:

“It’s not that I’m too busy at all. It’s just that there were, like, middle people involved in that situation, so I had told her, if it was like how me and BIA were direct and we dealt to each other directly [about the ‘Whole Lotta Money’ remix]… but I didn’t love that song [‘Get Into It’] because I didn’t think I could bring anything to it. So I asked them to send me something else. I think that was the second song they sent me, but I asked them to send me something else and they didn’t send me anything else.”

So, ultimately, there seems to be interested in a collaboration from both sides, so it remains to be seen if Doja and Minaj will link up on a song in the future.

Check out a clip from the conversation above.

Whatever Amazon’s Mr. + Mrs. Smith reboot will look like, it won’t involve Fleabag creator Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Reports Monday indicated the Killing Eve creator is out of the show she was creating with Donald Glover, but the series will continue on as planned.

The Hollywood Reporter indicated Monday that Waller-Bridge and Glover weren’t seeing eye to eye about the “creative vision” of the show, so the former has left the project to pursue other interests.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge has exited the straight-to-series adaptation of the Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie 2005 New Regency film. Sources say that the Fleabag Emmy winner had a different creative vision for the series than Donald Glover, with whom she was poised to star alongside.

Glover, who came up with the idea and brought it to his friend and Solo: A Star Wars Story co-star, remains attached as co-creator, exec producer and star.

Casting changes aren’t usually significant news, especially in the early stages of shows. But the matching of Waller-Bridge and Glover came with some considerable fanfare, including a video tease simultaneously published to their respective social media accounts. Which is why reports of “creative” differences between the two are even more surprising.

Still, the report indicated that the two remained friends despite the working relationship issues, and neither of their considerable deals with Amazon seem to be impacted here. The recasting hasn’t impacted its expected arrival in the new year, either.

Sources say Waller-Bridge and Glover remain friends following what was described as an amicable split. Waller-Bridge’s role will now be recast as the series remains on track for a 2022 debut. Writing on the series is currently under way, with production expected to also begin next year.

It’s not exactly like Waller-Bridge will be looking for busywork, as she’s still creating Killing Eve and involved in the new Indiana Jones movie. Meanwhile, Glover is still hard at work on the next season of Atlanta. But for fans of both TV powerhouses, they will alway wonder what could have been with the pair making Mr. + Mrs. Smith.

[via THR]

Radio 1 Breakfast With Greg James has a fun recurring segment called “Unpopular Opinions,” in which the titular host and his celebrity guest hear unpopular opinions from listeners and discuss their thoughts on them. Jake Gyllenhaal’s defense of Sean Paul is perhaps the most famous moment to emerge from the segment over the past few years, and recently on the program, Ed Sheeran got real about his songs being used as wedding music. The latest participant in the segment is Lizzo, and on it, she suggested that she has ghosted some noteworthy people.

The final listener of the segment declared that she believes it’s OK to ghost someone (aka cut off communication suddenly and without warning) after a few dates. After initially agreeing, Lizzo decided to change her mind. She declared, “Here’s the reason why I agreed with you: I’m a ghoster. I’ve ghosted people you would not believe [laughs].” In reference to Lizzo’s series of flirty social media encounters with Chris Evans, the listener joked, “Like Chris Evans.” Lizzo responded, “No, baby, that’s one man I won’t ghost.”

She then continued, “I have [ghosted], but I don’t think it’s OK. I always get really apologetic when they confront me about it. […] I apologize, but I do it, so I’m kind of on the fence about this one.”

Lizzo then asked the listener why they ghost people, and they gave an insightful answer about not bringing up perceived flaws that may not be an issue to somebody else and therefore making the ghostee needlessly self-conscious. That response seemed to have hit Lizzo and left her with a different point of view about ghosting, or at least the listener’s philosophy behind it.

Check out the “Unpopular Opinion” segment above.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.

Season 2, Episode 7 — “Headspace”

HONORABLE MENTION: Rebecca (reply already, lady, geez); Higgins (I realized recently that I think of Higgins as like a British version of Jerry from Parks and Recreation, which has helped me understand him more); my sweet prince Dani Rojas (almost made the top ten just for the “wounded butterfly” line); the Jerky Boys (should I bring all of my shoes and glasses… so I have them?); Mae (I like that everyone in the city seems to know and respect her); Colin (he’s a strong and capable man, not a piece of shit); spaghetti and clams (I’m hungry)

10. Nate (Last week: 2)

I’m going to need someone — anyone, really — to book Nate an appointment with Dr. Sharon as soon as possible. I say this for three primary reasons:

• The issues he has with his father withholding praise and just generally being stoic and cold are now presenting themselves in increasingly ugly ways that usually involves berating or being cruel to people he perceived as beneath him in whatever sort of social hierarchy he has created in his mind, which is bad
• Dr. Sharon seems like someone who is good at her job
• If Nate yells at Will the Kit Man again I will turn into John Wick and end up on a neverending international vengeance tour that grows more perilous by the day as the consequences of my actions lead to continuously escalating adventures, sometimes involving Halle Berry

Knock it off, Nate. And stop name-searching yourself on Twitter. None of this is healthy.

9. Trent Crimm, The Independent (Last week: Unranked)

While a part of me does question the journalistic ethics of popping up next to someone in a bar while they’re having a drink and asking them for an official statement on a contentious matter, I do like that Trent appears to have sniffed this situation out. The man is relentless. He should be investigating war crimes or something. If there’s ever a Ted Lasso spinoff, we could do a lot worse than one about Trent Crimm.

Also, just to get this out there: I’m working on a theory about Trent and his glasses. There’s a Clark Kent / Superman quality to the way he whips them off or flings them on depending on the question he’s asking. I haven’t nailed it all down yet, but I am tinkering.

8. Jamie (Last week: 3)

It bums me out a little that Jamie has kind of been relegated lately to “member of the team who is there mainly to say seemingly unrelated things that cause a more significant character to have a personal revelation about events that have been brewing for most of the episode,” but it’s really hard for me to stay focused on any of that when the show has him say words like “Ratatouille” in that accent he has. Rat-a-too-eh. Incredible. I have a running list in my head of words I want him to say next. “Spaghetti” — spah-geh-eh — is pretty high up there.

7. Sam (Last week: 8)

Did anyone else think maybe Rebecca was finally going to respond to Sam’s message with an apology followed by this exact quote that he barely beat her to saying, thus revealing her identity by accident and leading to a string of awkward hijinks, or am I the only one spending hours of my day thinking about an as-yet-unrevealed relationship between two characters on a television show about a fictional soccer team?

Be honest.

6. Ted (Last week: 7)

Well, that went… well? I mean, eventually. It did not start well. Ted really ran through about eight different emotions there, possibly more. There was nervous energy and avoidance and anger and combativeness and, I think, at the end, acceptance. Again, we’ve discussed this: Ted is not doing great. He’s drinking alone kind of a lot, and he hasn’t noticed that one of his assistant coaches is turning into a tyrant right under his nose, and now he’s lashing out at the person he himself went to for help. It’s not great.

But yes, the good news here is that he appears to be making progress. It’s not a lot yet, not even anything more than agreeing to sit still and not insult an entire profession, but even that counts as something based on where he started. Baby steps. Neil Armstrong’s journey to the moon started with him walking out his own front door. Ted will get there. We all will. It’s just a matter of putting in the work.

5. Keeley (Last week: Unranked)

The Keeley-Roy relationship is a fun one and I’m happy for them that they’re starting to navigate around and through their various potential sticking points, but I do worry. I worry the show will run into the same problem the characters did: that having them together too often and in too many ways will result in each of their own cool little corners and ridges getting sanded down. Not a today problem, but definitely something out there on the horizon.

More importantly, good for Keeley for correctly identifying the issues at play in Ratatouille regarding snobbery and how creativity can come from any source, no matter how small and voiceless it might be. And good for her for figuring out a way to tell her friend to screw a rat that somehow came off positive and charming. That’s not as easy as it sounds. Try it this week. Actually, no. Do not try it. I don’t want any of you getting produce flung at your body/face for shouting “GO BONE A RAT” at someone. I can’t have that on my conscience.

4. Will the Kit Man (Last week: Unranked)

This section was going to be a whole big thing about how Will is a sweet boy and how he only deserves the best in life and how I would watch a full-on standalone episode that follows him around after work as he blasts an infectious positivity into tense situations like human Paddington Bear, but then something happened.

Then I watched the credits.

Then I saw this.

There’s a chance this has been mentioned before and I either missed or forgot it, but… is Will the Kit Man’s full name “Will Kitman”? Because that’s amazing. It’s nominative determinism at its finest, like a judge whose last name is Judge or a professional basketball player whose last name is Dunk. The first one of those is a real thing that has happened. The second one is something that has not happened yet but will make me so happy if/when it does that I might burst out a cloud of molecules on the spot.

Will Kitman.

WILL KITMAN.

Between this and the thing where Coach Beard has a beard, I’m starting to wonder if the end game this show is working toward is Ted leaving it all behind to join the rodeo.

3. Dr. Sharon (Last week: 10)

It was clear from the instant the show introduced Dr. Sharon that this exact situation was coming, like Rocky and Apollo in the first Rocky movie or Paddington and Phoenix Buchanan in the second Paddington movie. Two equal and opposing forces crashing into each other at full speed. Ted, with his aggressive friendliness deflecting any and all attempts to pierce his exterior. Dr. Sharon, with her quiet calm and steady patience ready and willing to wait him out. I like that we’re here now. I like that Dr. Sharon stood up to him when he was lashing out like a scared little boy. I like that I got to reference Paddington twice in this week’s Power Rankings. Things are all going according to plan.

I am serious about Nate needing to make an appointment, though. And if his reign of terror continues much longer, I might have to start questioning Dr. Sharon’s competence at her job just like I did with Ted’s earlier. She should be noticing this at some point. She might need to start popping up in hallways to torment him, too. I suspect we’re heading there.

2. Roy (Last week: 4)

Three notes here:

• I don’t know if I like anything anywhere more than the fact that Roy yells “WHISTLE” instead of blowing a whistle, and I hope it continues happening for as long as this show keeps making episodes
• If, after the credits aired, there had been a little box that popped up and said “For an additional $4.99, click here to watch a deleted scene where Keeley’s neighbors catch Roy cutting up all their roses and he is forced to attempt to explain why,” I regret to inform you I would have smashed that button very hard
• I hope Roy is reading The Da Vinci Code for a book club with the Yoga Mums and I hope we see their next meeting in the cold open of the next episode

He’s a good man.

1. Coach Beard (Last week: 1)

I suspect those of you who follow me on social media will be seeing this screencap a lot over the next… oh, let’s say decade. Look at him. Look at his hat. Think about how he just kind of disappeared into thin air right after this happened. Once the “is Roy Kent CGI?” conspiracy theory dies down, I vote one of you start a “Coach Beard does not actually exist and is just collective hallucination of the coaching staff” one. I’m serious about this.

For me. Please.