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Vampire roommates, a star-studded murder mystery, and several new installments of currently running TV shows. The streaming game belongs to Hulu this week as the indisputable champion of several genres. The service offers a new series starring Selena Gomez, Steve Martin, and Martin Short, which will appeal to so many target audiences that it’s incredible. In addition, Hulu has the return of FX’s What We Do In The Shadows along with a John Cena comedy and Nicole Kidman’s new show about a wellness resort gone very wrong. New episodes of Reservation Dogs and Archer and American Horror Story: Double Feature in one place mean that there’s no contending with the king.

Meanwhile, Netflix continues to stack the coffers high, too, even if they don’t have the highest profile selections of the moment. Don’t count out Amazon Prime, Disney+, Apple TV+, or HBO Max this week, either. Here’s the best of the new streaming selections for this weekend.

Hulu

Only Murders In The Building: Season 1 (Hulu series) — Only a few short years ago, Selena Gomez stood awkwardly in a designer gown alongside t-shirt clad co-stars Adam Sandler and Kevin James at a photocall, and let’s just say that her current co-stars would never. Here, she stars alongside the legendary Steve Martin and Martin Short, and the three portray NYC neighbors who aim to unravel an apparent murder inside their apartment building. Yes, they’re all podcasting because everyone does it (duh), and before long, the killer might be after them, too. Martin hasn’t written a feature film since the Pink Panther movies and Shopgirl, and I don’t wanna come out and call this trio a “much cooler Three Amigos” update, but Martin wrote that, too, so why not?

What We Do in the Shadows (FX, 10:00 & 10:30pm) — Well, well, well. Guillermo turned out to be a vampire killer, which sure as heck came as a surprise to Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo, and Colin. The four Staten Island roommates must figure out how to handle this conundrum, along with tackling the other challenges of this season. Those include dealing with wellness cults and gym culture, along with gargoyles, werewolves who play kickball, casinos, and more. In addition, the vamps also receive a higher level of powers while Nandor experiences an eternal-life crisis, which forces him to examine whether he should be a bachelor for eternity or embrace love.

Vacation Friends (Hulu film) — If you can’t get enough of John Cena’s entry into mainstream movies, then this will be a raw, raunchy treat for you. The WWE star portrays a party guy who shows up uninvited at a wedding of former “vacation friends,” who happen to be a mild-mannered couple portrayed by Lil Rel Howery and Yvonne Orji. Enjoy the chaos, and let’s all be thankful that romantic-esque, Frat Pack-esque comedies still exist for us to enjoy for a much needed break from reality. This film’s directed by Silicon Valley‘s Clay Tarver, who also co-writes here.

Archer (FXX, 10:00pm) — Season 12 continues with a trip down memory lane for Malory while it’s British history time for Pam during a voyage across the pond.

American Horror Story: Double Feature (FX, 10:00pm) — Alma takes matters into her own hands while Harry meets up with an unexpected visitor, who’s attracted by his newfound talent.

Reservation Dogs: (FX on Hulu) — Taika Waititi’s FX on Hulu followup to What We Do in the Shadows brings us a comedy series that’s co-written by Native American filmmaker Sterlin Harjo. Yes, the lead quartet in this show rocks suits that look strikingly similar to the characters of Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs, yet they’re four Indigenous teens who fight crime and also commit it. The show (which has some Atlanta vibes) was shot in and near Okmulgee, Oklahoma (the home of the Muskogee Creek tribal headquarters) — where excitement is lacking. Not for long, though. This week, Cheese is doing the ride-along thing.

Nine Perfect Strangers: Nicole Kidman’s one of several A-listers who’ve made themselves at home on the so-called “small screen” in recent years, and after a few Emmys and a Golden Globe for Big Little Lies and a Globe nomination for The Undoing, she’s not done yet. She portrays a wellness guru that might remind you of certain celebrities who shill bizarre products and claim that they’ll change your life with a dash of snake oil. Yes, the Paddington villain is here to shake up your little world again.

Netflix

Worth (Netflix film) — This based-on-true-events movie follows the inception of the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund, as led by a Congress-appointed attorney, Kenneth Feinberg, who’s portrayed by Michael Keaton. He’s up against an antagonistic Charles Wolf (Stanley Tucci), who’s in mourning of his own accord and must come to grips with the value of compassion. Amy Ryan plays Feinberg’s most powerful executive attorney, and overall, the film examines how humans must come together to recognize the power of empathy.

Q-Force: Season 1 (Netflix series) — A misfit gathering of LGBTQ+ intelligence-agency geniuses come together at the behest of Steve Maryweather, AKA Agent Mary. He came out as gay within the American Intelligence Agency (AIA), only to be relegated to West Hollywood, where he showed everyone what happens when a fired-up agent goes rogue. Eventually, the whole Q-Force transforms into Active Secret Agents status, but first, they’re tasked with dealing with Agent Buck, a straight-dude within their ranks.

Turning Point: 9/11 and the War on Terror (Netflix docuseries) — This five-part docuseries marks the 20th anniversary of 9/11 with a timely examination of the War in Afghanistan and what, exactly, really led the war on terror to our current moment in history. Expect interviews from U.S. military veterans and Afghanistan National Army soldiers, along with Taliban commanders, and government officials from both the U.S. and the Afghan government. As well, 9/11 survivor voices will reverberate as the world continues to reflect upon how that day altered the globe forever.

UNTOLD: Crime & Penalties (Netflix film) — A trash magnate who’s in deep with the mob decides to buy a hockey team as a gift for his teenage son, who’s obsessed with The Mighty Ducks. This really happened in 2004 at the hand of Jimmy Galante — allegedly the inspiration for The Sopranos — who launched the Trashers team in Connecticut. Somehow, hockey collides here with pro wrestling, and everything went off the rails to the point where the FBI had to shut things down.

Sparking Joy: Season 1 (Netflix series) — Marie Kondo’s here to help you throw out your sh*t with abandon and transform your life in the process. This time, though, Kondo’s moving past home organization and into businesses and relationships, in order to prove that throwing out your sh*t can have surprising results throughout all facets in life. She’ll also give us a glimpse into her own family life, which hopefully will have a slight touch of messiness to offer? You gotta live a little, Kondo.

Afterlife of the Party (Netflix film) — Victoria Justice portrays a social butterfly who dies during her birthday week, and she unexpectedly receives a second chance to make things right in order to secure her position (according to the Netflix synopsis) “into the big VIP room in the sky.”

How To Be A Cowboy (Netflix series) — Dale Brisby is, uh, keeping cowboy traditions alive through… the power of social media. Alright!

Apple TV+

See: Season 2 (Apple TV+ series) — Apple TV+’s See helped launch the tech giant’s streaming service less than two years ago, and the show was so wild and wooly that it worked. Jason Momoa’s back in fur coats and in warrior mode as Baba Voss. This season, he’s antagonized by Dave Bautista, which should add enough drama to keep the (somewhat silly) story alive, in a world where no one can see, but everyone is beautiful to look at from an audience standpoint. One of those sighted miracle-twins needs rescuing, so that propels much of the action early this season, but mostly, it’s all about clashing egos and warring beards. A good time, in other words.

Truth Be Told: Season 2 (Apple TV+ series) — Octavia Spencer and Kate Hudson star in this show about a true-crime podcaster who achieves notoriety, although everything comes back to bite her in the butt after someone that she helped to convict was, well, wrongfully convicted. In this season, Spencer’s podcaster (Poppy) launches a new case that’s deeply personal, given that it involves Hudson’s media mogul (Micah), and soon enough, their friendship may be on the line, along with their reputations.

Ted Lasso: Season 2 (Apple TV+ series) — First thing’s first: Everyone who’s caught a glimpse of this Bill Lawrence co-created and developed series loves it. That’s a notable feat, considering that star Jason Sudeikis first portrayed the title character way back in 2013 for NBC Sports’ promos for Premier League coverage. Fast forward to the fresh hell that was 2020, and the show surfaced as one of the year’s lone bright spots. Ted Lasso is somehow both relentlessly and charmingly cheery, although there’s always the spectre of Led Tasso to consider.

Disney+

Happier than Ever: A Love Letter to Los Angeles (Disney+ film) — Billie Eilish headlines this concert film that follows her newest album, Happier Than Ever, with an intimate performance from the Hollywood Bowl stage. Robert Rodriguez and Patrick Osbourne co-direct, and expect some dreamlike and animated elements as Eilish celebrates her Los Angeles roots with help from singer-songwriter FINNEAS.

Dug Days (Pixar series on Disney+) — Remember the tearjerking Up? Well, lovable dog Dug is back with a series of short features that take place in his very own backyard, and expect your heart-strings to be pulled, along with your funny bone. Your soul just might take off like a house attached to every balloon in the universe, too. Embrace it.

What If…? (Disney+ series) — We’re in the multiverse, baby. The MCU’s officially launching headfirst into that realm after Loki‘s season finale, and this show’s Twitter account clarified official participation as well. Enjoy this show full of alternate realities that stand separate from the existing canon (thus far), including Agent Carter taking the super-soldier serum, T’Challa materializing as Star Lord, and Black Widow and Nick Fury taking on a murder mystery while Tony Stark eats a donut. This week, Dr. Strange gets the tearjerking treatment.

Amazon Prime

Cinderella (Amazon Prime film) — Pop star Camila Cabello stars in this slight reimagining of the classic fairytale. Expect all of the familiar beats, however, with the royal ball, attended ty the evil stepsisters, and a changed fortune for the orphaned main character. Co-stars include Idina Menzel, Billy Porter, Minnie Driver, James Corden (who can’t avoid a musical), and Pierce Freaking Brosnan. Don’t turn into a pumpkin; instead, put this into your queue.

Annette (Amazon Prime film) — Adam Driver’s singing into a vagina for some odd reason in this movie that includes the most outlandish of setups for reasons that don’t make complete sense. Yet Driver’s stand-up comedian is accompanied by Marion Cotillard’s opera singer, and the pair falls in love before giving birth to the title character, who is gifted beyond belief with an exceptional destiny. Expect an examination of passion and fame and everything in between.

AMC+

The Walking Dead: Season 11A (AMC series) — This zombie-apocalypse universe’s flagship series returns for one final rodeo with two spinoffs still in motion, so it’s time to wrap this puppy up before the various shows’ timelines begin to intersect. Negan’s no longer the show’s villain, Alpha’s been vanquished, and Carol’s about to split from the group. When one really thinks about all the careers that this show has bolstered (Steven Yeun, Dania Guerra, Andrew Lincoln, Jon Bernthal, and so on), it’s impressive that Norman Reedus has stuck it out for the long haul, so Daryl and Carol must end this show by literally riding off into the sunset by motorcycle. We’ll accept nothing else.

HBO Max

The Other Two: Season 1 (HBO Max series) — Lorne Michaels of SNL fame executive produces this series that’s created, written, and also executive produced by Chris Kelly and Sarah Schneider (formerly co-head writers of SNL). The cast includes Drew Tarver, Heléne Yorke, Case Walker, Ken Marino, and Molly Shannon, and the plot follows a showbiz family, in which a 14-year-old pop star decides that it’s time to officially retire. Meanwhile, the family’s 53-year-old matriarch (Shannon) is enjoying ubiquity of her own, so “The Other Two” will do everything they can to shine as well.

Adventure Time: Distant Lands – Wizard City (HBO Max series) — The original series that ran on Cartoon Network receives another (fourth and final) one-hour special that gets dark while following Finn the Human and Jake the Dog throughout their land-of-Ooo life and times.

Sweet Life: Los Angeles: Season 1 (HBO Max series) — The WarnerMedia streaming service is keeping up with its summer of unscripted content that also includes The Hype and FBoy Island. In particular, this show follows a group of young, Black, and ambitious mid-20 somethings while they pursue dreams. Of course, those dreams not only happen to be professional but also involve loyalty and love. The quarter-life mark is a milestone unlike any other, and in South Los Angeles, this group of long-time friends comes together for a three-episode drop, which will be followed by more episodes running through September 2.

Samantha Bee already has her own self-titled show to handle on TBS, but the Full Frontal host has officially thrown her hat in the ring to become the next full-time host of Jeopardy! Well, kind of.

The former Comedy Central standout shared a Jeopardy! “audition” video on Thursday that saw her basically riff her way through a mostly not real attempt at taking the recently vacated job after Mike Richards resigned from the show in shame. But while Bee is enthusiastic about the gig, she may not have as much experience with the job as some others who served as guest host earlier in the year.

“There’s a category for four-letter words?” Bee asked at one point in the rapid-fire video. “Are you allowed to say f*ck on Jeopardy!?”

The video is a brief joke about the topsy-turvy ride the show has been on in recent weeks thanks to Richards, the once-crowned new host to follow Alex Trebek after his death. Richards has resigned in shame now, both from his hosting gig but also his work as an executive producer, so maybe there’s a chance what’s left of the show’s leadership will actually give Bee a shot.

“All those people who’ve been saying “who is Samantha Bee?” for years were right!” the video’s description said.

What’s more, though, the video posted on YouTube also serves as a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood so the added attention on what’s been a very tumultuous job has at least gone to a good cause here.

Does food get any better than the burrito? No. No, it does not. Hot, sumptuous proteins, fire-roasted veggies, gooey melted cheese, and deep and complex salsa wrapped in a warm flour tortilla that’s bigger than your face? Winner, winner carne asada dinner. It’s a fast and easy flavor bomb and if for some reason we had to choose to only eat burritos, burgers, pizza, or sandwiches for the rest of our lives, we’re choosing burritos in a walk.

Luckily we don’t have to live like that.

Point being, the burrito is a beautiful thing and in the vast fast food universe (and neighboring fast-casual and chain restaurant multiverses), it’s probably the least processed meal on any given menu. Beans are often slow-cooked (the good ones), over-processed and blended meats are generally ignored in favor of single cuts of juicy protein, the cheese is actually real cheese and not cheese product (looking at you, American cheese on burgers) and the salsa, when good, is known to display a level of craft and care that seems all but absent at the big chains.

It’s the most gourmet fast food can get.

Before we get into a ranking of the best burritos offered at the most popular fast food and fast casual restaurants, I’d like to take the opportunity to be “that guy” and remind you that if you want a truly great burrito, you’re more likely to find it at a small local Mexican eatery than you are at a place with a drive-thru. Support these businesses when you can, please. When you can’t… well, that’s why you have this ranking.

So here they are, the best fast food and fast-casual burritos around. And because they all need the help, we’re going to tell you how to make them even better by hacking the menu. Let’s get into it.

9. Baja Fresh — Mexicano Burrito

If you’re looking for the blandest Mexican food in the fast food universe look no further than Baja Fresh. The Mexicano Burrito has almost no redeemable qualities aside from the tortilla, which I’ll admit is a cut above a lot of other tortillas on this list. It’s pliable, gummy, and warmed on the flat grill right before they wrap it for you, ensuring all your fillings are nice and warm, which is great, except this burrito doesn’t come with cheese and a burrito without cheese is just sad.

There is a fair bit of customization here, Baja Fresh’s Mexicano burrito allows you to choose your protein but I’m sorry to report that the chicken, carnitas, and steak are all incredibly dry, with the steak easily being the worst option thanks to its gristly texture.

Now admittedly, I’m not a big fish-in-my-burrito fan so I’ve never actually had Baja Fresh’s seafood, so maybe I’m being too hard on this burrito as the fast casual chain also offers Crispy Wahoo, Grilled Wahoo, and Shrimp, but as far as land-roaming proteins are concerned, they’re all lacking in flavor, which is a problem that extends to the beans and the rice. Baja Fresh’s beans have a great texture, but almost no flavor, and their Spanish rice — which they call “Baja Rice” for some reason — is also devoid of any discernible flavors. You think you’re going to get notes of bright tomato and onion but instead, it’s all texture, which is to say, dry.

How To Make It Better

This is an easy one, add cheese.

The Bottom Line

Why are you going to Baja Fresh and spending money on something Taco Bell does better and for cheaper? Don’t go here.

Find your nearest Baja Fresh here.

8. Taco Bell — Beefy Five Layer Burrito

Calories: 490

Generally, when we run fast good rankings we keep each chain to one entry only, but we’re going to make an exception for Taco Bell because of its insane level of popularity. I get that the Beefy Five Layer Burrito has its rabid fans, but if you like food, run as far away from this as possible.

This thing is straight-up foul and its five layers feel like a real missed opportunity to give us something decadently delicious. Instead, the Beefy Five Layer combines all of Taco Bell’s worst ingredients into one disgustingly mushy burrito.

First, we have the salty seasoned beef, which is so greasy it leaks orange, resting on a bed of Taco Bell’s very dry powdered beans. Then Taco Bell just gives up with the rest of the layers, offering sour cream, a sadly sparse sprinkling of cheese, and a layer of Nacho Cheese Sauce spread across the tortilla, which is a nice idea that supplies a trail of melty cheese between every bite, but it doesn’t taste good. So with five layers, Taco Bell decided to double up on cheese, neither of which is good, and then just threw sour cream in there and called it a day. It’s an over-salted mess that you’re forced to taste over and over again throughout the day as you burp it up.

Even your body wants to reject this sh*t. Also, I have a major gripe with the name, yes the lack of actual ingredients gives more room for beef, but it’s not nearly as beefy as the photo would suggest. So you don’t really get the sense of eating through five layers of flavor and it doesn’t deliver on the beef.

How To Make It Better

Oh, where to start. Ditch the nacho cheese sauce and cheese for Taco Bell’s three cheese blend, add tomatoes, jalapeños, and onions, you know, actual layers, and for less than two bucks more you’ve got a burrito that is at the least edible.

The Bottom Line

It’s popular and it has an appetizing name, but that doesn’t mean you should eat it. This burrito requires so much customizing that you’re better off ordering any of Taco Bell’s other burritos.

Find your nearest Taco Bell here.

7. El Pollo Loco — Chipotle Chicken Avocado Burrito

It pains me to see El Pollo Loco ranked so low as I think it’s one of the best Mexican-inspired fast food restaurants out there, but they’re just not great at making burritos. While El Pollo Loco’s flame-grilled chicken is great with its nice charred texture and delicious citrus-y glaze, it can be pretty hit or miss, and when it’s over-cooked and dry it’s almost inedible.

Like Baja Fresh, El Pollo Loco has a pretty great tortilla, and the toasted texture is a nice touch that adds a pleasing crunchy mouthfeel, and I love the use of shredded Monterey Jack cheese, it provides a great melt. But El Pollo Loco’s Spanish rice is one of its weakest menu items. It has a great in your face tomato-forward flavor, but the texture is awful, it’s not fluffy, it’s dry and consistently uncooked. Couple that with the weird inclusion of cabbage and the whole thing has an off-putting grainy texture that no amount of sour cream, melted cheese and red salsa can mask.

The highlight of the sandwich is the slices of avocado and El Pollo Loco’s slightly spicy salsa, which they make fresh in-house but on the off chance you get an overcooked breast of chicken, or an over/under ripened avocado, or worse, both, the avocado and salsa aren’t good enough to make this thing worth picking up.

How To Make It Better

Ditch the rice and the cabbage, they’re nothing more than filler and they add to the dryness. This might sound crazy because I mentioned that it was a highlight, but we’re also going to suggest you ditch the salsa roja for El Pollo Loco’s spicier avocado salsa. Is that too much Avocado? There is no such thing. If you don’t want to double up on the avocado grab the creamy chipotle dressing instead.

The Bottom Line

Yes, El Pollo Loco DOES have burritos, but that doesn’t mean you should order one. They’re too dry to be worth your time.

Find your nearest El Pollo Loco here.

6. Rubio’s — Burrito Especial With Grilled All-Natural Chicken

Calories: 1080

I’ve lived most of my life thinking Baja Fresh and Rubio’s were the same thing but now that I’ve compared both burritos, I have to give the edge to Rubio’s. While not as customizable, Rubio’s instantly sets itself apart from Baja with the quality of its grilled chicken. It’s not the juiciest, but it’s not distractingly dry and has a great charred flavor that you can actually taste, which convinces me it’s grilled on-site.

Rubio’s guacamole is also pretty solid, it has a nice balance of onion, garlic, lime, and salt and tastes remarkably fresh. Because you’ve got prominent lime in the avocado, I don’t think the citrus rice is necessary and would’ve preferred a more tomato-based Spanish rice. The burrito is also lacking in cheese, which can be easily added but we wish we didn’t have to.

How To Make It Better

You might be noticing a slight trend here but, ditch the rice. The combination of citrus rice and the citrus in the guacamole adds a bit of a sour undertone to this burrito. Sub out that citrus rice for Rubio’s Mexican rice and you’ve instantly got a better-tasting burrito. I’d also suggest subbing out the black beans for Rubio’s pinto beans, which have a distinct peppery flavor that pairs perfectly with cheese, which you should also add to this thing.

The Bottom Line

If you’re going to go to one coastal-inspired fast casual burrito spot, choose Rubio’s over Baja every time.

Find your nearest Taco Bell here.

5. Qdoba — Burrito

Calories: 720-1080

I’m going to go less into the details with Qdoba than I did with the burritos preceding it in this ranking because the menu is completely customizable, and while Qdoba has some pre-made burritos, I’m going to end up telling you how to customize it anyway. So in an effort to spare a Qdoba employee from having to deal with you, I’m going to suggest you completely ignore the fast casual chain’s pre-made burritos and start with the custom burrito.

My big problem with Qdoba is that they make an entirely forgettable burrito. If you’ve been living your life thinking Chipotle is bland, I promise you, try Qdoba, your mind will be blown by the lack of flavor. Having said that, the quality of ingredients is a significant step up from the burritos preceding it, they just never really come together in a way that’s harmonious.

With this burrito you have the option of Grilled Adobo Chicken, Adobo Steak, Slow-Braised Pulled Pork, Seasoned Ground beef, and even Impossible meat, so go ahead and pick your poison but I’m going to suggest the new Cholula-doused Hot and Sweet chicken, which combines Cholula sauce and honey and adds a whole lot of flavor to some otherwise bland meat. Then you’ve got your beans (black or pinto) and your cilantro lime rice, which isn’t nearly as intense as Chipotle’s rice, so for once I’m going to suggest you don’t skip it.

Qdoba’s salsas are great, for the spice averse I suggest the Chile Corn Salsa which is mild and more seasoned corn than it is a salsa, but if you can handle the heat definitely ask for the Salsa Verde or the Salsa Roja. If you’re not big on onions, do the Salsa Roja, it’s way spicier and actually brings some heat that excites the palate.

How To Make It Better

This is another easy one, you’re at Qdoba and the one thing they do excellently is queso, so definitely add that three-cheese queso to your burrito. It’s cheesy and smokey with the slightest hint of spice with a smooth almost-velvety texture to it and instantly adds some complexity to Qdoba’s very bland flavors.

The Bottom Line

Customize to your heart’s content but understand that the queso is a must, even if you don’t love queso. Without it the burrito is too bland for you to ever develop a craving for.

Find your nearest Qdoba here.

4. Taco Bell — Loaded Taco Fries Burrito/ Burrito Supreme

Calories: 590

Taco Bell’s best burrito is easily the Burrito Supreme, which combines Taco Bell’s salty seasoned beef, cheese, tomatoes, onions, red sauce, beans, sour cream, and lettuce into a flavor bomb. But instead of including that burrito, which I love, I’m going to suggest you grab the new Loaded Taco Fries because it does some of the customizing work for me and it’s almost as good as the Supreme. With a little customizing we’re going to take it to the next level, don’t worry.

Fries in a burrito are a beautiful thing when done right, and of the Loaded Taco Fries burritos I’ve had, it seems like Taco Bell can’t mess this one up. Taco Bell’s delicious and crispy French fries deserve the credit for making this so good, they’re crunchy on the outside, keeping the burrito from getting too mushy and have a great flavor that combines onion powder, paprika, and salt.

The crunch doesn’t stop at the fries either, the burrito also contains red tortilla strips, which give the burrito a great textured mouthfeel that keeps your bites crunching once you’ve broken through the surface of the fries into the hot buttery inner. Like the Supreme, this burrito also has lettuce which isn’t really needed, tomatoes, a spicy ranch sauce, cheese, and nacho cheese sauce.

Because Taco Bell wanted to differentiate this burrito slightly from the Supreme, it suffers a bit, but once you swap some of those Supreme ingredients back in, you’ll have Taco Bell’s best burrito in your hands.

How To Make It Better

Always sub Taco Bell’s cheese for the three-cheese blend. Ditch the Spicy Ranch and sub in jalapeños, that’ll give you a better sense of spice without the wetness of the ranch. Forget about that nacho cheese sauce too, it’s way too salty and we’ve already got a good deal of salt from the fries, so in its place add Taco Bell’s red sauce to help glue the flavors together and keeps the ingredients from being too dry.

The Bottom Line

Taco Bell’s best burrito just got better thanks to the Bell bringing back their off-and-on French fries. Get it while you can!

Find your nearest Taco Bell here.

3. Del Taco — Epic Fresh Guacamole Burrito

Calories: 730-760

I really wanted Del Taco to win this one because if I had to suggest one Mexican-inspired chain to frequent, it would be this one. Del Taco slow cooks their beans and the difference shows. They’re tender, fluffy, and well seasoned with a mix of garlic, pepper, oregano, and cumin, the way beans should be.

In fact, Del Taco makes one of the best bean and cheese burritos in the fast food galaxy, but this isn’t a ranking of bean and cheese burritos so Del Taco’s lackluster meat offerings really hold this one back.

You have the choice of grilled carne asada, marinated chicken, or Beyond meat. Go for the marinated chicken, it’s the juiciest of the three thanks to the marinating process but its lack of flavor makes me question just what they’re marinating this with. Is it water? Because the chicken offers mostly texture and nothing else.

Rounding out this burrito is cilantro lime rice, guacamole (which is great but heavy on the tomatoes), and pico de gallo. What I love about Del Taco’s Epic line of burritos is the huge flour tortilla, it’s very reminiscent of one of those large taqueria burritos and the way the flavors gravitate towards the bottom and seep into the folds create a final bite that is pure ecstasy. This burrito finishes strong, which will endure itself to you and actually make you develop a craving for the thing.

But like all of the burritos in this ranking, it needs a little help to take it to the next level.

How To Make It Better

It needs cheese. Cheese, like beans, should automatically be included in every burrito. Rather than going for Del Taco’s freshly shredded cheddar (which is great and has a nice sharp and nutty flavor) ask for the pepper jack cheese instead. It provides a better melt as it’s grated thicker, providing you with more cheese coverage and has a spicy edge to it.

Del Taco’s green sauce is also delicious so definitely add that and if you’re in need of some extra crunch, sub out that rice for some crinkle-cut fries.

The Bottom Line

Huge and flavorful with a strong final bite that lingers on the mind as well as the palate. Some of fast food’s best beans can be found at Del Taco. If you think Del is just another Taco Bell, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Find your nearest Del Taco here.

2. Moe’s Southwest Grill — Homewrecker Burrito

This burrito ranking gave me an excuse to trek out to a Moe’s Southwestern for the first time and even though I’ve had the Homewrecker just once, it’s made quite the impression on me. Moe’s ingredient quality is in line with Qdoba but they remembered to actually add some flavor to their ingredients which I appreciate.

For the Homewrecker, you’ve got a choice between white meat chicken, adobo chicken, ground beef, pork, tofu, or sirloin steak. I grabbed the white meat chicken so I can’t speak on the other meats, but the chicken was juicy with a citrus-forward flavor with notes of garlic and black pepper. Instead of the cilantro-lime rice, Moe’s uses rice that’s seasoned with what tastes like cumin and cayenne, adding a more complex flavor that pairs harmoniously with the citrus-marinated chicken rather than clashes.

Moe’s Homewrecker also features black beans, diced tomatoes, pico de Gallo, guacamole, a shredded cheese blend, and shredded lettuce. I take issue with some of these ingredients. The guacamole, while good, features tomatoes in it which I’ve always viewed as filler. Great guacamole doesn’t need tomatoes, not to mention the burrito already comes with diced tomatoes and pico de gallo, which also has tomatoes! There are too many damn tomatoes in this burrito and it weighs it down and masks some of the more interesting flavors.

Moe’s makes a point of mentioning that their guacamole is included and doesn’t require an up-charge. I never understood people complaining about guacamole costing extra, avocados are f*cking expensive and when isn’t guacamole an upcharge? When it’s filled with tomatoes, that’s when!

How To Make It Better

Ditch those diced tomatoes and the pico de gallo! Without the pico de gallo you’re missing some spice which is easily remedied by including Moe’s tomatillo salsa. It would’ve been nice to have more salsa options but Moe’s other two, the El Guapo and the Kaiser also feature diced tomatoes so unless you really really like tomatoes, the jalapeño-focused tomatillo is your only respite.

The Bottom Line

Moe’s almost has the best burrito in the fast food universe but its obsession with tomatoes and lack of salsa options really hold it back from being truly great.

Find your nearest Moe’s Southwestern Grill here.

1. Chipotle — Burrito

Calories: 700-1230

It’s hard for me to admit this because outside of this fast food ranking I shit on Chipotle so often you’d think I just ate… well, Chipotle. As someone who has grown up in Los Angeles, arguably the burrito capital of America, I’ve watched friends and family obsess over Chipotle when for half the price they could get a much better burrito at literally every corner. But when I really break it down and think about the individual flavors and the quality of the ingredients, I have to say Chipotle is just operating at another level compared to its fast casual and fast food competition.

Like Qdoba and Moe’s the burritos here are customizable and each of Chipotle’s protein offerings is good. The steak is juicy with a great flame-grilled flavor and a texture devoid of gristly bits. The carnitas are tender and well seasoned, and the barbacoa is even better. But my favorite Chipotle option is the chicken, which features dark meat cuts that make the chicken supremely juicy. Of all the burritos on this ranking, Chipotle has the best meat, and the best chicken by a mile.

Chipotle’s beans are fine, both the black and pinto are tender and fluffy but I wish Chipotle would go heavier on the seasoning. That’s nothing salsa can’t remedy and each of Chipotle’s salsas, which include a mild tomatillo-based green chili salsa (it’s heavy on the onions be warned), a spicy tomatillo red chili salsa, and pico de gallo are delicious, offering a lot of complexity and heat. I also have to give credit to Chipotle’s guacamole, while heavy on the onions which give it a bit of a bite the inclusion of jalapeños peppers and cilantro add a great depth of flavor and spice. It’s part of what makes this guacamole so damn addicting.

The weakest link on this burrito is Chipotle’s ridiculous cilantro lime rice. By now it’s no secret that I think most fast casual and fast food Mexican-inspired eateries just don’t know how to make rice but Chipotle takes it to another level by including way more lime than any sane person can handle. Like Chipotle’s chips, the use of lime here is overwhelming unless you have the strange desire to eat a lime. Luckily you can skip the rice, and that will leave more room for a better wrap.

I also really like Chipotle’s cheese, which is a blend of Monterey Jack and white cheddar cheese. If they could figure out a way to make it melt, they might have something that rivals the corner taqueria.

How To Make It Better

I’ve seen this time and time again and Chipotle, just because you have the option to add all of these ingredients, it doesn’t mean you should. I love the customizable aspect of Chipotle, but that puts a little too much power in the hands of the consumer and sometimes let’s face it, we don’t know what we’re doing. That’s why were eating at Chipotle in the first place.

Know what you want, what you need, and don’t try to include it all. The last thing you want is a burrito that falls apart while you’re eating it. The more you know about making your own burrito, the better your result at Chipotle will be.

I suggest you skip the rice or at least ask them to go light on the portion to make room for some grilled fajitas and corn. Rather than getting your salsa in your burrito, ask for it on the side this will allow you to apply the perfect amount to each bite and will keep your burrito from being a wet mess that your burrito maker won’t be able to fold.

The Bottom Line

No, Chipotle isn’t as good as your local taqueria but compared to all the other fast food and fast casual options out there, they’re operating at a higher level. If the people at Chipotle ever figure out a way to serve hot food, they’ll actually be able to compete with the Mission-style burritos that inspired them. Maybe.

Find your nearest Chipotle here.

The world is just hours away from receiving Drake’s highly-anticipated album, Certified Lover Boy. It follows the promotion-heavy week that the Toronto rapper has put up to increase the excitement for the project. It includes “hacking” a SportsCenter broadcast to share the release date for the album as well as revealing its controversial artwork.

Drake also revealed Jay-Z, Young Thug, Future, 21 Savage, Lil Baby, Giveon, Ty Dolla Sign, Lil Durk, Yebba, and Project Pat as guest features on Certified Lover Boy. While the cast is already impressive enough, Drake revealed on Thursday that there are more individuals coming to the party.

Just like he did for the guest features that were revealed on Thursday, Drake used digital billboards from across the country to share the additional features for Certified Lover Boy. Lil Wayne, Kid Cudi, Rick Ross, Masego, and Nigerian singer Tems will also join Drake on his upcoming album. The rapper used shared the news on billboards in all of the additional guests’ hometowns except for Lil Wayne, whose birthplace of New Orleans is currently in the midst of extended power failures due to Hurricane Ida.

You can view the billboards announcing the new guests in the posts above.

Certified Lover Boy is out 9/3 via OVO Sound/Republic.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Bonnaroo is looking to make up for having to cancel its annual showcase due to waterlogged festival grounds. It was caused by Hurricane Ida, which left the campgrounds “flooded to the point that we are unable to drive in or park vehicles safely,” as an announcement from the festival revealed.

Now, to give fans a smaller treat for something to enjoy following Bonnaroo’s 2021 cancellation, the festival announced a live show set to take place in Nashville’s Ascend Amphitheater on September 4.

The show is headlined by Phoebe Bridgers, Brittany Howard, and Sylvan Esso, with tickets for the concert available on Ticketmaster. The announcement comes after Bridgers altered her 2021 tour dates by moving all of her shows outdoors while requiring her attendees to have COVID vaccinations. She also released her Kyoto project with brand new remixes from Bartees Strange and more.

Howard also released a remix album of her own, with her own arriving for her 2019 album, Jamie. The updated version came with additional features from Childish Gambino, Bon Iver, and more. Lastly, Esso just shared a video for “Numb” and announced the dates for her 2021 tour. She also shared an updated version of “Ferris Wheel” with Terrace Martin and Robert Glasper.

Bonnaroo’s latest festival cancellation comes after they were forced to postpone the showcase on three occasions due to the coronavirus pandemic. You can check out the flyer for the upcoming show in the post above.

There are few highballs more timeless than the classic rum and cola. It’s simple, easy to make, and utterly refreshing. A great cocktail for any occasion, year-round.

When I make a rum and cola, I use the classic Cuba Libre recipe. That’s two ounces of rum — white, spiced, dark… that’s what we’re here to investigate — four ounces of cola (who are we kidding, we all reach for Coke), and a squeeze of lime juice with the lime wedge set on the rim (or in the glass, depending on how limey you want it). It’s not a difficult recipe and you definitely don’t need to be a seasoned mixologist to prepare this drink. Even if you eyeball it, there’s a pretty good chance it’ll taste good anyway.

The most exciting thing about the rum and Coke is that it can be tweaked to fit any rum drinker’s palate. While the classic rendition is made with white rum, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to broaden your horizons. To underscore the point, I made eight rum and Cokes featuring myriad rums and put them in a blind taste test. All are easy to find and each is reasonably priced.

Here’s our lineup:

• Goslings Gold Seal
• Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum
• Appleton Estate Signature
• Bacardi Superior
• Brugal Añejo
• Flor de Caña 4 Extra Dry
• Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum
• Cruzan Aged Light Rum

Time to taste!

Part 1: The Taste

Taste 1:

Tasting Notes:

The nose is filled with aromas of caramel, cinnamon, and ginger. On the palate, I found more notes of cinnamon and ginger, along with toasted vanilla beans, wood char, and light cracked black pepper.

All of these flavors stand up well when combined with cola and citrus.

Taste 2:

Tasting Notes:

The nose is a bit light. After the other cocktail ingredients, I noticed slight vanilla beans and a subtle, indistinguishable fruit flavor. The palate is heavy on ethanol-like alcohol, more vanilla, and maybe some spices. It’s not exciting in any way.

Taste 3:

Tasting Notes:

Complex flavors of brown sugar, vanilla beans, and subtle cinnamon mingle with the citrus and cola on the nose. Drinking it, I found more caramel candy, molasses, vanilla beans, and cloves that worked well with the rest of the cocktail’s ingredients.

Taste 4:

Tasting Notes:

A lot is going on with this rum’s nose — hints of sticky toffee, butterscotch, cinnamon, and oaky wood. Sipping it brought me notes of caramel candy, slight pepper, brown sugar, and more vanilla.

All in all, the most balanced rum on this list.

Taste 5:

Tasting Notes:

In all honesty, the nose is pretty bland. I mostly smelled cola and lime with just a bit of vanilla and some slight woody oak, that’s about it. The flavor was similar with nothing really jumping out to take away from the lime and soda. Maybe a hint of coconut and peppery spice, but not much else.

Taste 6:

Tasting Notes:

Right away, the nose is dominated by spicy cinnamon and cloyingly sweet vanilla that totally detracts from the cola and lime flavors. The palate is overly sweet with hints of cloves, more cinnamon sugar, various other over-the-top spices, and more vanilla.

It’s a little much for a simple cocktail.

Taste 7:

Tasting Notes:

This rum has a unique, memorable nose with hints of toasted coconut, caramel, and vanilla beans that work well with the other ingredients in the cocktail. The palate is highlighted by slight oak, more coconut, brown sugar, and slight spice.

Overall, a great base for this iconic drink.

Taste 8:

Tasting Notes:

This rum’s nose is filled with tropical fruit aromas, butterscotch, vanilla beans, and subtle spices that all pair well with the cocktail’s other ingredients. One sip was enough (but I drank more) to unlock flavors of buttery caramel, vanilla, wood char, and more fruity flavor.

All in all, one of the best mixers of the bunch.

Part 2: The Ranking

Blind taste tests are a lot of fun. This is true when I get to try various forms of alcohol neat. But it’s really fun (and tests my senses more) to blindly nose and taste spirits mixed into highballs. Not only is there no brightly colored, glossy label to impact my choices, but the spirit (in this case rum) is actually mixed with Coke and lime juice — so I’m tasting its interaction with other ingredients.

Keep reading to see how everything turned out.

8) Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum (Taste #6)

ABV: 35%

Average Price: $18

The Rum:

Everyone knows Captain Morgan. The iconic pirate adorned in red that stands with his leg on a barrel in an epic pose. He’s the mascot for the well-known bargain rum brand of the same name. Its Original Spiced Rum is a blend of multiple spiced Caribbean rums. The brand doesn’t disclose the brands they source from, but this expression is known for its spicy, sweet, mixable flavor.

Bottom Line:

If you prefer your rum and Cokes to be ridiculously spicy and sweet, this is your jam. Otherwise, the spicy flavor is a little too dominant for this drink.

7) Cruzan Aged Light Rum (Taste #5)

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $13

The Rum:

This rum, from the US Virgin Islands, is a blend of rums that were aged in American oak barrels for between one and four years. It’s light, dry, and known for its vanilla and caramel flavors that work well as the base for your favorite cocktail.

Bottom Line:

There isn’t much going on with this rum in terms of flavor. If you prefer your cocktail to not taste much like rum, this will be your go-to. Maybe add more rum if you want it to taste stronger.

6) Bacardi Superior White Rum (Taste #2)

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $15

The Rum:

There’s no rum brand more famous than Bacardi and its Superior White Rum is its flagship expression. It’s been made the same way since 1862 and is known for its light, easily mixable, not overly dominant flavor. It’s a great base if you want the other flavors of your cocktail to shine.

Bottom Line:

This rum was definitely made to be used as a mixer as it barely has any taste (other than the burn of alcohol).

5) Goslings Gold Seal Rum (Taste #3)

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $20

The Rum:

Goslings is a well-known rum brand. Back in 2016, it changed its classic Gold Rum with Gold Seal Rum. It’s a blend of rums distilled in column and pot stills that are aged in ex-bourbon barrels. It’s gold in color (hence the name) and has enough flavor to stand up in your favorite cocktails.

Bottom Line:

While subtle, this rum has enough going on in the aroma and flavor department to make it stand up, even when paired with stronger ingredients.

4) Flor de Caña 4 Extra Dry (Taste #7)

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $18

The Rum:

This award-winning rum is not only carbon-neutral and sustainable but it’s aged for four years. While not changing the clear color, this imparts dry, sweet, sugary, and citrus-like flavors that were made to be used as the base for drinks like rum & Coke.

Bottom Line:

Spice, coconut, caramel, vanilla — this rum ticks all the boxes for a great mixer.

3) Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum (Taste #1)

ABV: 46%

Average Price: $20

The Rum:

Name for Norman “Sailor Jerry” Collins, an “old school” tattoo pioneer, this 92-proof, bold, spicy, sweet rum has been on the market for awhile now. In that time, it’s gained popularity with bartenders and drinkers alike. It’s cheap, flavorful, and designed for mixing.

Bottom Line:

Sometimes spicier rums can be a little too dominant as a base for a simple cocktail. This one manages not only to shine but make the other flavors stand out even more.

2) Appleton Estate Signature (Taste #8)

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $22

The Rum:

Appleton Estate is a big name in the rum world. While you can grab some of its higher-priced expressions, it’s hard to beat the value-to-flavor ratio of its bargain-priced Signature. A blend of pot and column still rums that are aged for an average of four years, this bottle is perfectly suited for sipping or mixing.

Bottom Line:

This is a very complex rum that is well-suited to be the base of pretty much any rum cocktail you enjoy. It’s sweet, rich, and works well with citrus and cola.

1) Brugal Añejo (Taste #4)

ABV: 40%

Average Price: $20

The Rum:

This rum from the Dominican Republic is made by blending rums that were aged in ex-bourbon barrels. The result is a sublimely rich, mellow, caramel, and vanilla-driven rum that is ideal for sipping or as the base for any number of rum-centric cocktails.

This cocktail is the perfect fit — simple enough to let the rum shine!

Bottom Line:

Not too spicy, not too sweet, this rum has pronounced, rich, smooth flavors that make it the perfect base for a rum & Coke.

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As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.

Back in the summer of 2015, The Weeknd’s career was reaching star status. He’d laced a No. 1 single with “The Hills” and was just weeks away from sharing his second album, Beauty Behind The Madness. That project would go on to be his first chart-topping album, but before it arrived The Weeknd graced the world with what would be his second No. 1 single, “Can’t Feel My Face.”

More than six years after the world received that track, the singer has returned with an alternate video for the song, one that shifts the perspective to another character in the story. In the new visual, the camera keeps much of its focus on a female companion that captures The Weeknd’s attention from start to finish.

The woman in question is presumably the person The Weeknd sings about in the song as he alludes to their relationship with lines like, “She told me ‘Don’t worry’” and “She told me, ‘You’ll never be alone.’” Altogether the new visual is quite sensual, and it turns out that the video is one the singer hoped to use for the song before it was sidelined due to a “shift in creative direction,” according to a press release.

The Weeknd’s alternate “Can’t Feel My Face” video comes after he joined Kanye West and Lil Baby on “Hurricane” and released the trailer for his upcoming Super Bowl halftime show documentary. The upcoming film brings viewers behind the scenes of his performance for February’s Super Bowl game.

You can press play on the alternate video for “Can’t Feel My Face” above.

There are a lot of McDonald’s hacks out there. That makes it’s pretty hard for one single McD’s menu tweak to break through all the noise, especially when you’re talking about the famed-but-flawed Big Mac.

And yet… over the past few weeks, one Big Mac hack kept popping up on my social feeds. One clever move purported to change the whole game.

Here’s the gist: This hack has you jettison the top bun, which is un-sauced and plain, and then flip over the top burger layer of the Big Mac to create a double cheeseburger with one bun, not one-and-a-half buns. The move came from a cake delivery Instagram handle via Jonathan Massaad in Australia, where Macca’s is taken very seriously — check out the original Instagram post below:

The idea here is that losing the top, un-sauced bun means that you’re able to find a better balance of sauce-to-bun and get back to the toppings-to-meat ratio found on the classic burger. Is this true? Could 2.4 million burger eaters per day be wrong about the best way to eat a Big Mac?

I ordered some McDonald’s to find out. In fact, I ordered two Big Macs so that I could have a “control” burger for comparison’s sake. Here’s how things shook out.

The Big Mac Hack

So… this is a bit of a pain in the ass to build. You remove the top bun and then gingerly yet quickly flip over the top half of the Big Mac while trying not to fling iceberg lettuce everywhere. I’d recommend using a spatula but Uproxx Life rules say that if you need an extra kitchen implement, it’s no longer fast food (being that the convenience level has dropped considerably).

The construction of the burger becomes the bottom bun with cheese, sauce, lettuce, and onion below the first patty and sauce, lettuce, pickle, and bun above the second patty.

When it comes to the taste … yeah, it’s a Big Mac. It’s way lighter without that crown bun. The new “top” bun is a little soft and damp though, which makes holding of the burger feel sort of weird (not gross but definitely less clean).

That being said, this wasn’t terrible. In fact, losing one bun was a nice way to lighten up the Big Mac. Moreover, the more concentrated sauce did make this juicier, more savory, and overall a better eating experience.

The Original Big Mac

Look, I haven’t had a Big Mac in … I really don’t know how long. If it’s not a double cheeseburger, Filet-O-Fish, or Big Tasty, I’m probably not ordering it from Micky-D’s. Like most folks, I often just drive through for the fries.

So digging into two Big Macs in one sitting was a lot.

That being said, this Big Mac wasn’t the worst thing ever. After one bite of each version, I might have given it to the un-hacked version of the Big Mac. After the second and third bites, it became clear why I never order this hamburger sandwich. It’s just too much freakin’ bread and gets really dry and cardboard-y really fast.

The Verdict

After finishing (most of) both burgers, I’m calling it for the hack. It seems super wasteful to throw away that top bun, but it’s just too dry.

On the flip side, I might just order a Big Tasty and have them hold the tomato and bacon, add pickle, and add a patty. It’d be pretty much the same thing but with a proper crown bun with those sesame seeds that add a little something to the experience. Oh, and it’ll have a heftier patty, which is a much bigger win than this Big Mac hack, in my opinion.

In the end, does this work? Yes. Is it worth it if you’re a Big Mac fan? Sure. Does it make the Mac great? Nooooope. Sorry, pals — we’re still talking about the most overrated burger in the fast food universe.

American single malt whiskey is growing fast. The old-school style offers both an alternative to the heavier mash bills of rye and bourbon and a less expensive single malt than the juice from Scotland and Japan. Wins all around.

The definition of American single malt is pretty simple. These are whiskeys made with 100 percent malted barley. The barreling/aging doesn’t have to be done in a specific barrel (as it does with straight rye or bourbon), which means there’s a little more room for experimentation. Some distillers source specialty barley grown to make the best beers in the world, others import iconic barley from Scotland, while other distillers grow their own barley around the rickhouses. It’s a fascinating style that has a lot to offer the whiskey drinker looking to move beyond American bourbons and ryes or anyone looking to find a US compliment to Scottish single malts.

For this blind taste test, we’re doing something a little bit different. I’m tasting six American single malt whiskeys from all over the country. Then I’m adding two ringers. One is an Irish Single Malt from Teeling. This is to see if “single malt” whiskey outside of Scotland has a universal vibe. Will I be able to spot it on sight and taste alone? How will it compare? The second ripple is a Kentucky Malt Whiskey from Woodford. This is a malted barley whiskey that’s treated like bourbon — at least 51 percent malted barley instead of corn and aged in new oak. Will this dram blend in with the others or stick out like a sore thumb???

The full list goes a little something like this:

• Westward American Single Malt Whiskey (WA)
• Courage & Conviction American Single Malt Whisky (VA)
• Balcones Pilgrimage (TX)
• Boulder American Single Malt Whiskey Bottled-in-Bond (CO)
• Teeling Irish Single Malt Whiskey
• Woodford Reserve Kentucky Malt Whiskey (KY)
• Boulder American Single Malt Whiskey (CO)
• Courage & Conviction Bourbon Barrel Finish American Single Malt Whiskey (VA)

I’ve also included a couple of expressions from the same two craft brands to see if they really change all that much. Is a bottled-in-bond the “good stuff” in American single malt like it often is with rye and bourbon? What about a cask finishing? Will it make that much difference? Let’s find out!

Also Read: The Top 5 UPROXX Scotch Whisky Posts of 2021

• A Blind Ranking Of Affordable Blended Scotch Whiskies
• Our Favorite Scotch Whisky At Every Price Point From $30 To $500
• We Blind Tested Blended Scotches In The $40 Range And A Clear Winner Emerged
• The Best Bottles Of Scotch Whisky Between $50-$60
• Blind Scotch Taste Test — Which 12-Year-Old Single Malt Whisky Is Best?

Part 1: The Taste

Taste 1

Tasting Notes:

This is very fruity and malty on the nose with a touch of cream soda and mild spice. The palate is vanilla forward with wet tobacco, a touch of eggnog spice, and a dry grain backbone that’s almost toasted. There’s a wet leather that leads towards a slightly dry dark cocoa powder on the very end.

Taste 2

Tasting Notes:

This is really buttery with nice bourbon caramel and a light malty foundation on the nose. The palate leans into tart red berries with dry cedar bark and creamy/dry dark chocolate chili pepper vibe.

Taste 3

Tasting Notes:

This draws you in with rich honey that leads toward a spicy peach cobbler touched by soft leather and stewed pear with saffron. The taste is milk chocolate that leads to a ripe pear and a honey candy. The flavors are so clear, defined, and delicious that I wrote “wow” in my notes.

The mid-palate picks up an apple blossom floral note next to a very bespoke apple soda that’s touched with salted caramel, like the most high-end caramel apple you’ve ever tasted. That leads towards an end with a mild choco-spice creamy dryness and a lingering sense of orchards in full bloom.

I can’t see anything beating this. Wrap it up!

Taste 4

Tasting Notes:

Okay, this is good too. The nose is a mix of beautiful cherry Coke next to vanilla pudding with a dusting of dry brown spices. That cherry Coke vibe continues into the palate with a malty backbone and a turn into black licorice and anise. The end is so soft and malty it’s like a warm hug.

It’s delicious.

Taste 5

Tasting Notes:

This is very light. The nose is all holiday cake spices, nuts, and candied fruits. This is already completely different. The palate is dry and grainy malts and dry cedar with a touch of florals, nuts, and spice on the end.

This has to be the Irish whiskey.

Taste 6

Tasting Notes:

Woah! This is drastically different again. The nose is raisins and raw leather next to a savory fruit. The palate has an Almond Joy vibe with cedar and more of that raw leather chewiness. The end is more Almond Joy with a touch of raw pumpkin.

This has to be the Woodford if the last one is the Teeling.

Taste 7

Tasting Notes:

There’s some big fruit on the nose with a touch of nuttiness and maple syrup. There’s a distinct lemon-lime oil spritz on the palate with Caro syrup sweetness and a plastic fake fruit candy vibe. The end is almost sweet enough to feel like grape soda.

Taste 8

Tasting Notes:

This opens with a note of vanilla next to cedar, Graham crackers, and spicy malts. The palate has a chocolate-orange note leading towards more sweet crackers and cinnamon candies. The end veers a little less sweet with a melon candy vibe on the finish.

Part 2: The Ranking

Okay, since this is a little different, I’m calling out numbers five and six as the Teeling and Woodford respectively. There’s no way those were the same category. Number five was super light on the color, so that’s easily the Irish whiskey.

Turns out, I was right. In that case, I’ll address those first but not rank them since this is about ranking American single malts.

x. Woodford Reserve Kentucky Straight Malt Whiskey — Taste 6

ABV: 45.2%

Average Price: $40

The Whisky:

This expression is sort of like Scotland meets Kentucky in a bottle. The mash bill utilizes 51 percent malted barley. So, it’s not a single malt whisky (those are 100 percent malted barley mash bills). The bill is then supported by a big dose of corn (47 percent), and a dash of rye (two percent). The hot juice is then treated as an American bourbon or rye and is aged in new American oak (single malts generally mature in old bourbon or sherry barrels).

Bottom Line:

This is so funky. Those savory notes are wild but so enticing. Still, this was so far from the rest of the group, it kind of felt weird tasting this next to the other whiskeys. That just goes to show you how much difference a 51 percent barley and 100 percent barley mash bill can make.

x. Teeling Single Malt Irish Whiskey — Taste 5

ABV: 46%

Average Price: $60

The Whisky:

Teeling might be producing the most interesting whiskey in the game, not just the Irish whiskey game. This Irish single malt is created by vatting 100 percent malted barley juice that’s aged in sherry, port, Madeira, white Burgundy, and Cabernet Sauvignon casks. It’s rumored that some of those barrels are up to 23 years old, which is wild for a whiskey at this price point.

Bottom Line:

This was definitely more of a classic “single malt” than the Woodford. Still, this was too different from the rest of the bunch to really rank it amongst them. It stood out, it’s really good, time to move on.

The Actual Ranking

6. Boulder Single Malt American Whiskey — Taste 7

ABV: 46%

Average Price: $79

The Whisky:

This craft whiskey from Colorado is made with 100 percent locally grown barley. It’s slowly fermented and distilled in-house on an old-school Scottish copper pot still. The juice is then aged in new American oak, much like bourbon, for four years before it’s cut with Rocky Mountain water and bottled.

Bottom Line:

I guess it turns out that bottled-in-bond in American single malts means the “good stuff” too. This really didn’t come anywhere near the heights of its sibling on this list. It’s not that it’s bad by any stretch. It’s just fine by all accounts but doesn’t have the “wow” factor.

5. Courage & Conviction American Single Malt Whisky Bourbon Barrel Finish — Taste 8

ABV: 46%

Average Price: $85

The Whisky:

This is the classic Virginia single malt made with locally grown barley and distilled at the farm in Virginia’s Blue Ridge mountains. The juice then is filled into ex-bourbon barrels (from Kentucky only) and left to age until it’s just right.

Bottom Line:

This might have dropped a little lower by being the last dram. It did feel a little muddled compared to the rest of the drams on the list. Still, I can see mixing with this very easily thanks to those more bourbon-laden notes.

4. Courage & Conviction American Single Malt Whisky 2021 Edition — Taste 2

ABV: 46%

Average Price: $75

The Whisky:

Virginia Distillery is one of those craft distilleries you’re going to be hearing more and more about in the coming years. Their Courage & Conviction is the second in a series of single malts the distillery plans to release in this line. This expression is a single malt blend of 100 percent malted barley distillate that’s aged in ex-bourbon, ex-sherry, and ex-Cuvée wine casks. The blend is a split of 50 percent from the bourbon cask and an equal measure from the sherry and Cuvée casks.

Bottom Line:

This is really well-rounded and super easy-drinking. I kind of feel like numbers four, three, and two are all really close in this ranking. I can’t really find a single fault here besides the next three just had more going on.

3. Westward American Single Malt Whiskey — Taste 1

ABV: 45%

Average Price: $75

The Whiskey:

Portland’s Westward Whiskey has its roots in Pacific Northwest craft brewing culture (similar to most craft distilleries in the PNW). This juice is emblematic of how important the first step of whiskey — the fermented mash that is, basically, beer — is to the whiskey-making process. And while Westward’s Stout Cask Finish was getting all the love this year, just last year this expression won Double Gold in San Francisco.

Bottom Line:

This was a great opening dram. It rang true and deep on the flavor profile. Still, there were two bottles that shined a little brighter today.

2. Boulder American Single Malt Whiskey Bottled in Bond — Taste 4

ABV: 50%

Average Price: $75

The Whisky:

This Colorado whiskey is a fascinating experiment — asking what a single malt that’s treated like a bottled-in-bond bourbon might taste like. The juice is made from 100 percent malted barley. Then is spends four years in a bonded warehouse aging in new American oak. It’s then bottled at 50 percent ABV per federal regulations.

Bottom Line:

I really, really like this. I can see sending this to friends as something new they should try. It’s well-done, has clear flavors, and feels very welcoming. No notes!

1. Balcones Pilgrimage — Taste 3

ABV: 58.5%

Average Price: $76

The Whisky:

This single malt starts with Golden Promise malted barley in the mash with proprietary ale yeast and local Texas water. The distilled juice is then loaded into used barrels like all of the world’s great single malts. After a few years of aging under the hot Texas sun, the whisky is transferred into French Sauternes casks, bringing a distinct dessert wine vibe to the juice. Finally, the whisky is bottled at cask strength from very small, one-off batches.

Bottom Line:

This was the best dram today and it wasn’t even close. This juice might be a masterpiece. It’s so refined while having such a clear tasting profile that’s 100 percent accessible from top to bottom.

Goddamn, this was good!

Part 3: Final Thoughts

I really thought it’d be a lot harder to find the Irish single malt and that Kentucky malt. It was not. Taking those two expressions out of the ranking, there was still a lot of distance between some of these, even from same the distilleries. Boulder’s Bottled-in-Bond really is in a different league than their standard expression.

Then there was that Balcones. I’ve drunk a lot of that juice over the years — even spent a day in the tasting room with Master Distiller Jared Himstedt tasting so many of their barrels that I lost track. But this dram blind blew my socks off. It’s truly great whiskey that I’m going to buy a case of, pronto.

Overall, I feel like Amerian single malts are a great palate cleanser for the heavier world of American ryes and bourbons. This was a lighter tasting than the ones I regularly do, all things considered. There were new and easier flavor notes to enjoy — making the whole lineup really enjoyable.

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Verzuz will be keeping things in New York for the time being as the platform announced its next battle for fans to enjoy. Fat Joe and Ja Rule will be bringing their talents to the table for a head-to-head matchup on September 14. The battle will once again be a live in-person event, as Verzuz is giving fans the opportunity to purchase tickets to watch Fat Joe and Ja Rule play their classic records in a venue that has yet to be revealed.

The announcement comes after Verzuz held an epic battle between The LOX and Dipset, and it ended up being one of the most exciting battles that the platform has held since its inception back in March 2020. At its conclusion, many picked The LOX as the winners of the night as Jadakiss emerged as the battle’s star thanks to a number of memorable moments. LeBron James even called Jadakiss the most underrated hip-hop artist of “all time” once the night came to an end.

As for Fat Joe and Ja Rule, the announcement comes after the former played tracks from his past and present during a NPR Tiny Desk concert. As for Ja Rule, he’s been fairly quiet on the music side of things but he recently auctioned off an NFT of the viral cheese sandwich and a painting from his infamous Fyre Festival.

Tickets for hopeful attendees go on sale September 7. You can take a look at the flyer for Ja Rule and Fat Joe’s Verzuz above.