With no new developments being reported about Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s swollen balls, Tucker Carlson had to go back to talking about his other favorite topic on Monday night: those pesky vaccine mandates. This time, his target was the U.S. military. Several weeks ago, the Biden administration announced that it would be requiring all U.S. troops to be vaccinated, and Carlson is still not over it. Now he’s channeling Dana Carvey’s “Church Lady” character from SNL in discussing the mandate and speculating that it has something to do with… Satan?!?
As Mediaite reports, Carlson had a lot of questions about why the military would want to require troops to be vaccinated—we’re guessing he’s looking for a reason beyond “so that they don’t die and/or kill any fellow troops.” He floated one bonkers theory:
“The point of mandatory vaccination is to identify the sincere Christians in the ranks, the freethinkers, the men with high testosterone levels, and anyone else who doesn’t love Joe Biden, and make them leave immediately. It’s a takeover of the U.S. military.”
That wasn’t even the most insane part. Carlson then put up a couple of slides from a PowerPoint presentation he said the show had obtained from an Army slideshow about the COVID vaccine:
“You will notice their sympathetic portrayal of Satanism. ‘How many children were sacrificed to Satan because of the vaccine?’ the slide reads, apparently sarcastically. Then the presentation proceeds to list the so-called tenets of Satanism which are taken from the Temple of Satanism website. So here you have the United States Army doing PR for satanism.”
Tucker Carlson says vaccine requirements for the military are a ploy to “identify the sincere Christians in the ranks, the free thinkers, the men with high testosterone levels, and anybody else who doesn’t love Joe Biden and make them leave immediately.” pic.twitter.com/cEoZhpGo3U
If you look closely at the first slide, however, you’ll notice that among the “evil” tenets listed are things like, “One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.” And that the title of the slide itself is “Questions from Friday,” which would seem to indicate that “How many children were sacrificed to Satan because of the vaccine?” was a question asked by someone else… then answered somewhat sarcastically by whoever was in charge.
According to Mediaite, Carlson says the Army did confirm that the slide was real, but noted that it was not part of any presentation that military officials had approved. (Those wacky Satanists—always flying under the military’s radar!)
None of which settled Carlson, who claimed that vaccine mandates—rules put in place to save the lives of thousands of U.S. troops—are “horrifying,” and that “If you loved the country, you would not do this.”
This ranking was almost impossible for several reasons. One, ranking every Scotch whisky from drinks giant Diageo barely makes sense. Is it even possible to rank an Oban over a Talisker? Or a Mortlach over Lagavulin? What about the blends? Or the fact that Diageo owns 35 Scotch whisky brands with a bajillion expressions between them all?
See, this is already a dizzying prospect and we haven’t even started yet. Is there any shot at creating a method or will it all just be madness?
Come what may, I’m going to press on. That said, it’s kind of amazing that the easiest part of this ranking is the fact that I’ve actually tasted all of these brands. Diageo is really good at putting out deep cuts from their various distilleries over the years. The Rare By Nature and Flora and Fauna collections make it surprisingly easy (though expensive) to try otherwise impossible to find bottles from very small Diageo distilleries from around Scotland.
Well… maybe “easy” is a bit of an oversell. The point is that they are out there and it’s not as hard to track them down as it might seem.
For this ranking, I’m relying on my tasting notes from each brand. Then, I’m calling out the one bottle to try from each shingle. In some cases, I’ve only tried one bottle — so that’s the one I’m calling out (again, we’re talking some truly rare brands from tiny distilleries here). Taken all together, this is an attempt to make some sense of one of the world’s largest collections of distilleries and blenders under one giant corporate umbrella.
Let’s see how it goes! Click on those prices if you want to try a bottle yourself!
Vat 69 is a blend of mostly grain whiskies from all around Scotland. The name refers to a contest with 100 unique vats of whisky where the 69th blend won the big prize. Other than that, this is bottom-shelf whisky with no frills.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a weird faux strawberry shortcake with a spray can whip cream on top that could be construed as vanilla flavored. The palate has a bit of orange candy sweetness with a bitter edge and a slight spice. The end is short, hot, and very malty.
Bottom Line:
Besides nostalgia for a grandparent, I can’t really see a reason to try this but at least the Gold isn’t overly astringent if you’re mixing it with Coke.
34. Grand Old Parr — Grand Old Parr Scotch Aged 12 Years Blended Scotch Whisky
This old-school blend is built around Cragganmore and Glendullan single malts. The whiskies mellow for 12 years before they’re vatted and proofed for this bottling.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a bit of cinnamon apple cookies on the nose with a touch of honey. The taste is very malty with a touch of cedar, tobacco spice, and more honey/apple/cinnamon. The end is warm, malty, and slightly sweet thanks to the honey.
Bottom Line:
This is fine. It’s a mixing whisky, so mix it if you come across it. Otherwise, you’re not missing much.
This near-bottom-shelf blend is based on Blair Athol malts with a supporting cast of Caol Ila, Glenkinchie, Dufftown, and Inchgower malts and various grain whiskies in the mix.
Tasting Notes:
This is clearly malty with a hint of lemon honey candies, woody spices, and a hint of vanilla. The palate doesn’t offer much else but does amp up the malts, spice, and vanilla towards a soft finish.
Bottom Line:
This isn’t bad if you’re looking for a cheap highball base. Beyond that, there’s not really much more to say.
J&B is a back bar mainstay. This old-school blend became hugely popular in the U.S. after Prohibition and still sits on most American bar shelves to this day, though often just collecting dust. The juice is a mix of 42 single grains and single malts that lean heavily into Speyside whiskies.
Tasting Notes:
The nose is malty with a flourish of orange zest next to cedar bark and sweet, buttery toffee. That sweetness carries and folds in fatty nuts and a bit of red fruit. The oak and spice kick in late as the sip fades fairly quickly while warming you up.
Bottom Line:
This is another throwback bottle. It’s perfectly fine for highballs or a scotch on the rocks and that’s about it.
31. Copper Dog — Copper Dog Speyside Blended Scotch Whisky
This is a new-ish release from Diageo that utilizes a lot of Speyside whiskies. Eight single malts are chosen for this blend to specifically highlight the small region within the Scottish Highlands.
Tasting Notes:
This is classic Speyside from nose to finish with apple and honey dominating the whole way through. The palate adds a warm malt and spice next to a very slight nuttiness and maybe a touch of orange marmalade. The end is short, warm, and slightly honeyed.
Bottom Line:
This is another good highball candidate that isn’t too shabby in a cocktail, either.
This whisky is the base of J&B above. The malts are rarely ever seen on the open market as a single malt bottling, making this 12-year-old drop from the Flora and Fauna line pretty damn rare.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a medley of nuts, dark chocolate, and orange peels on the nose that support deep earthiness that’s damn near mushroom-y. The palate leans more towards the chocolate and nuts with a touch of dark spices and maltiness. The end is short, somewhat bitter, and has a citrus-y vibe.
Bottom Line:
This is one of those bottles that makes you go “hum… that’s interesting.” You kind of get into it and play with the juice in highballs, cocktails, and on the rocks until the bottle is empty. And then you never think about it again.
29. Royal Lochnagar — Royal Lochnagar Game of Thrones House Baratheon Aged 12 Years
This 12-year-old single malt is all about representing the Highlands. The distillery is close to Cairngorms National Park and was rumored to be a favorite of Queen Victoria back in the day, giving this and old-school vibe.
Tasting Notes:
The malts come through with a hint of vanilla, orange peels, and dry wicker. Burnt sugar drives the taste while a very thin wisp of smoke carries you towards ginger beer and cinnamon toast with a buttery feel. The end circles back around to that dry wicker with a final note of honey.
Bottom Line:
Overall, this is pretty decent stuff that I wish there was more of. Still, it’s best suited for a highball and cocktails but will do in a pinch for an on the rocks drink.
28. Black & White — Black & White Blended Scotch Whisky
Good ol’ Black & White. This used to be Dean “The King of Cool” Martin’s go-to whiskey — so there’s a bit of panache that still goes with drinking it. The black and white dogs on the label have become damn near synonymous with whisky in the U.K. to this day. The juice leans into Speyside grain whisky more than malt and is pretty damn dialed in.
Tasting Notes:
The bready grains come through with a note of lemon curd and a wisp of smoke. The lemon carries on and is married with a Christmas cake spice and caramel sweetness in the body of the sip. The end is short and sweet both literally and figuratively.
Bottom Line:
For a cheap blend, you could do a lot worse (looking at you, Vat 69). There’s a certain charm to this whisky that’s very easy-going and easy-drinking.
27. White Horse — White Horse Blended Scotch Whisky
This whisky is another throwback blend. Islay’s Lagavulin is at the foundation of this juice with various other malts and grain whiskies popping in to add some depth.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a smoked salted caramel vibe on the nose next to woody apples and a touch of cedar. The taste leans away from the smoke towards wet-grain malts, more apples, and a touch of rich, creamy honey. The end smooths out towards a vanilla pudding spiked with eggnog spices and a final puff of smoke-laced caramel.
Bottom Line:
This is one of those bottles that you’ll either love or hate. It’s very deep for being a damn-near bottom-shelf dram but doesn’t “wow” in any way really.
This grain whisky hails from Cameronbridge Distillery. The mash is a 90/10 split of wheat and malted barley that’s aged for about seven years.
Tasting Notes:
This is very fruity with stewed apples mingling with banana bread, orange, and lemon. The palate adds an eggnog spice vibe to the mix with a nice vanilla depth and a touch of cedar. The spiciness peaks with a bit more banana bread and walnut on the end.
Bottom Line:
This is an interesting way to get into grain whisky, which is usually buried in blends under malt whiskies. It’s fairly easy-drinking, unique, and makes one hell of a highball.
25. Cardhu — Cardhu Aged 11 Years 2020 Rare By Nature
Every year, Diageo releases their Rare By Nature series of single malts from around Scotland. Last year’s limited releases dropped with a classic yet young single malt from Cardhu. The eleven-year-old expression was aged in a combination of refill, new, and ex-bourbon American oak barrels with an aim to draw out the whiskey’s sweeter and spicier edges.
Tasting Notes:
This is amazingly light with a bit of shaved wood next to big notes of tart and sweet apples and pineapple next to a rush of bright lemon zest and an underbelly of wet earth. The sweet fruits stay strong as the taste edges towards a flourish of warm, peppery spice next to a buttery biscuit. The end is long and full of that spice and sweetness. A little water really brings the fruitiness back into the foreground with a brightness that’s enrapturing.
Bottom Line:
Cardhu is extremely popular in Spain and this bottle was an attempt to broaden the brand’s appeal in other markets. Cards on the table, this is a really good single malt whisky from a great, though lesser-known, distillery. In short, this is where things get pretty damn hair-splitting until the top ten.
Glen Elgin is the foundation of White Horse (above). The distillery in Speyside runs six stills and most of their juice goes to that blend, making this a rarer bottle to find (especially in the U.S.)
Tasting Notes:
This is an orchard fruit bomb on the nose with touches of butterscotch, eggnog spice, and black tea bitterness. The palate follows that path while adding in notes of oatmeal raisin cookies with a flake or two of finishing salt, more bitter black tea, and a touch of nuttiness. The end lingers a while as that oatmeal cookie really leans into the dry fruit and oats.
Bottom Line:
This is the point where I desperately try and find a new way to say, “Hey, this is really nice. You should try it in a highball or on the rocks.”
Knockkando is yet another small Speyside distillery doing their thing. This expression is an entry-point 12-year that offers a really solid foundation for the region’s distinct flavor profiles.
Tasting Notes:
You’re drawn in by a nose full of cinnamon-stewed apples drizzled in honey with a distinct whiff of dried heather and maybe a little dried wheat. The palate veers far away from that with a pumpkin savoriness next to buttered banana bread full of walnuts, nutmeg, and clove next to a hint of milk chocolate. The end is pretty slow with a nutmeg spicing up a bit towards a peppery warmth.
Bottom Line:
If you’re looking for a Speyside that really nails the region’s profile, this is it. Also, the name is fun to say.
This bottle used to be labeled as “Singleton” for the U.S. market because they didn’t think Americans could pronounce “Auchroisk.” They dropped that back in 2001 and went back to the original name. This is one of the only bottlings from the distillery in single malt form. The rest of the juice goes into J&B above.
Tasting Notes:
Wet green grass mingles with a very creamy vanilla pudding (think bourbon) next to a touch of marzipan and lemon curd on the nose. The taste doesn’t veer too far away from those notes while adding in eggnog spices, a little cedar, and some vanilla tobacco chew. The end is long and very silky with hints of that green grass drying out into a bale of straw.
Bottom Line:
Speaking of names, I don’t think I’ve ever pronounced this one correctly. So, I guess the good people at Diageo weren’t wrong on that front. Still, this is a pretty unique bottle and worth tracking down for an equally unique tasting experience.
21. Buchanan’s — Buchanan’s Special Reserve Aged 18 Years
The Scotch blend is a mix of Diageo single malt and single grains that are all at least 18-years-old. Those whiskies are aged in ex-bourbon and ex-sherry casks before their married into this well-crafted expression.
Tasting Notes:
There’s a sense of malt next to hints of orange zest, honey, and bright cherry. The palate really delivers on the cherry as the orange zest becomes candied and a nutty edge arrives, ushering in a subtle and almost sweet smoke. The smoke dries a bit as a note of pine arrives late, supported by the orange, cherry, and honey with a touch of warm spice.
Bottom Line:
This felt like it should rank higher. This is a really good blended whisky that’s a real workhorse (you can sip it, mix it, highball it, whatever). That being said, this has never reached the heights of Diageo’s most famous blend and we have a lot of single malts to still get through. So here we are.
This is another Speyside malt that’s almost exclusively used for blends. Diageo doesn’t really disclose which blends, but we can guess from the bottles on this list. The unique thing here is that Glenlossie is next door to the Mannochmore distillery and the two campuses share the same employees and warehouses.
Tasting Notes:
This opens with a dry maltiness next to cedar bark, pears, and wet moss. The taste is very light with whispers of lemon oils, black pepper, wet grains, and earthy umami. The finish doesn’t overstay its welcomes and has a light lemon-pepper vibe.
Bottom Line:
This is a very rare find and worth it for just having something different.
Glen Spey is another Speyside whisky that’s primarily used in J&B Blended Scotch. Where other malts primarily made for blends are scarce, there are a few 20-year plus expressions out there though they rarely make it over the pond.
Tasting Notes:
This has a very soft nose that dances between Chardonnay grapes, fresh honey, bales of wet straw, and brand new Band-Aids tied together by the final line of smoke from a dying campfire. The woodiness comes through on the palate with an almost charcoal feel next to fermented apples, more straw, and a touch of sultanas. A nuttiness arrives late as the taste slowly fades out, leaving you with a fruity, nutty, and malty finish.
Bottom Line:
For a Speyside, this is just interesting. That smoke is more reminiscent of a very light Islay while still feeling squarely Speyside.
Up on the cold northern coast of Scotland, you’ll find a little town called Brora. There used to be a distillery there of the same name, which made peat monsters up unit the 1980s. Clynelish took over the location and started making their own peated malts, this time while leaning more into the sea than the peat. And in this case, they’ve created a very lightly peated single malt that spends a decade and a half resting near that sea until it’s just right.
Tasting Notes:
This has a nostalgic sense of a cold, rainy beach. You’re not necessarily on that beach but you can remember to sea spray, the salt on your lips, the smell of dried seaweed, and a touch of old smoke from a nearly dead fire. The taste dances between notes of burnt orange peels, old leather tobacco pouches, and this soft mineral water mouthfeel that carries with it creamy vanilla just touched with sea salt. The end is medium-length, salty, and has this mildly bitter edge that’s akin to a cocoa bean pith.
Bottom Line:
I wanted to rank this so much higher but here it is at around the midpoint. I’m okay with that. This is a great single malt but there are even greater ones to come.
This malt from the very bottom of the Speyside region is one of the rarer bottles on the list. The malt usually only shows up in Bell’s Blended Scotch (above). Beyond that, this 14-year-old only really shows up in special releases like this.
Tasting Notes:
This is pure silk from start to finish with a nose that touches on lemon cookies, bales of wet alfalfa, buttery toffee, and a touch of caramel-malted barley. The palate is an apple orchard in full bloom with a bright rush of wildflowers, fresh ginger, rich honey, wet slate minerality, and lemongrass. The finish adds a slight resinous pine with a mild yet dry black peppercorn.
Bottom Line:
This is one of those bottles that I wish were more accessible. If you see one, treat yourself to a unique and delicious dram.
You rarely see Linkwood on the shelf as a single malt. This is almost exclusively used in Johnnie Walker (below) and White Horse (above).
Tasting Notes:
This nose is complex and travels from a cellar full of bushels of orchard fruits in baskets in late fall to a cool porch with a cup of vanilla tea waiting for you to a final stop at your grandmother’s side with a whiff of old-school perfume drenched in cigarette smoke. The palate thickens as a syrup-y sweetness arrives next to that vanilla and fruit and a touch of marzipan and pine. The end is very long and will leave you with an orris root bitterness.
Bottom Line:
This feels like one of those malts that could blow up if Diageo pushed it a little harder. It’s so unique and brings something interesting to the table every time I try it.
Benrinnes is that other distillery in Aberlour. The distillery is also one of the only malts that were triple distilled (like Irish whiskey). The juice in this bottle goes back to that era of distillation with a focus on sherry cask maturation.
Tasting Notes:
The nose is full of peanut brittle touched with finishing salts, match flints, brewer’s yeast, Milk Duds, and sticky toffee pudding. The palate leans into the date cake and adds in bold eggnog spices next to a bowl full of dried fruits soaking in brandy next to a savory fruit that’s halfway between a cucumber and winter squash. The finish lingers for a while and leaves you with an almost burnt chocolate maltiness, salt flakes, and more of those dates.
Bottom Line:
This is pretty wild and engaging. Sure, it’s expensive. But there isn’t a whole lot out there quite like this.
This is an extremely rare glimpse into Mannochmore distillery which primarily produces malt to blend and only limited-edition releases. This 2016 release of just under 4,000 bottles contains very old juice aged in new American and European oak as well as used bourbon and sherry casks. It then goes into the bottles at barrel strength.
Tasting Notes:
The fruitiness of the malt is accentuated by bourbon vanilla, dry peppery spice, and what feels like the Cherry Coke syrup from a soda machine without the fizzy water added. The palate has a spiced malted bread vibe with hints of anise, black pepper, salted caramel, and prunes. The end kind of doesn’t end as hints of rosewater-rich marzipan, orange oils, and more prune linger the longest.
Bottom Line:
I kind of can’t believe this ranked this low. It’s truly a great and unique bottle of booze. But, folks, there are so many great bottles of booze coming up that you should consider this where the ‘good stuff’ starts.
This limited edition expression from last year’s Diageo Distillers Edition is expertly crafted whisky. The Lowland juice has a finishing maturation in a specially made barrel which is constructed from used and new American oak that’s then filled with Amontillado sherry for a month. Once that fortified wine is dumped, the whisky goes in for its final maturation.
Tasting Notes:
There are hints of very soft wood next to berries steeped in honey with a light vanilla edge. The taste dips into a slight black pepper with a note of brie rinds or, maybe, a cheese cellar. The end is slow and leaves you with a nice, warm buzzing in your senses and a real feeling of velvet roundness.
Bottom Line:
This was a very “ah-ha!” malt for me the first time I had it. It’s just goddamn delicious — neat, or on the rocks. The only reason it ranks this low is that while it’s great, there’s a weird forgettability about it (sorry to all those who grew up with this malt, I mean no disrespect).
This entry-point bottle to the wider world of Dalwhinnie is a hell of an easy drinker. The juice is aged in Scotland’s coldest distillery, making the maturation process a severe one. The juice spends 15 years hiding in those barrels as the temperatures dip well below freezing across all those winters.
Tasting Notes:
Imagine a bowl of pear and apple peels sitting next to an open jar of floral summer honey on the nose. Dots of citrus oils mingle with that honey as a smooth vanilla character arrives on the back of sweet brown bread bespeckled with smoked walnuts. The nuts, sweet bread, and floral honey all converge on the finish as it slowly fades towards a final billow of sweet smoke at the back of your mouth.
Bottom Line:
This is another whisky that’s just freakin’ delicious. It’s kind of hard not to place it in the top ten of this list but there just wasn’t room for it. I mean, come on! Lagavulin didn’t even make it into the top ten as you can see next.
This is the most recognizable Lagavulin out there. The malts are smoked just down the road from the distillery at Port Ellen and the juice is crafted expertly by the sea at Lagavulin. Then the whisky spends 16 long years mellowing in old American and Spanish oak.
Tasting Notes:
Imagine a beach fire that’s using dried seaweed as fuel next to mugs of honeyed black tea and a clump of wet moss on the nose. The taste of this dram meanders through dried pipe tobacco smoke laced with hints of vanilla and tart apple while notes of briny caramel lead towards an oyster shell minerality. The finish is pure silk as the seaweed grows wetter and the smoke sweetens towards that caramel, vanilla, and apple.
Bottom Line:
This is probably Islay’s most iconic malt. You really cannot go wrong here unless, of course, you don’t dig on the peaty malts. I generally don’t vibe with peated whisky all that much except for this one (and Talisker). Take that with the grain of malt it is.
This 2014 release was aged for 38 years (that means it went in the barrel 1976) in European oak at The Singleton’s Glendullan facility. There were only 3,756 bottles of this masterpiece released. If you can find one and have an extra grand lying around, invest in this bottle.
Tasting Notes:
This is an amazingly subtle sip — nothing overpowers. There are notes of ripe melon and mango with hints of malty and buttery shortbread biscuits. Woody and sweet apples mingle with notes of orange and cinnamon with brown butter toffee and oak char. Pitchy pine resin, toasted oak, sandalwood and eucalyptus, caramel apples, tart cranberries, and sharp peppery spice bring about a crescendo of a finish.
Bottom Line:
This is just ridiculous. It’s one of the top malts you can drink. Though, for my palate, that sandalwood note just isn’t my jam. Other than that, this is damn near perfection.
This yearly release from the tiny Islay distillery, Caol Ila, is all about the finish. The 12-year-old juice is finished in Moscatel sherry casks to give it a truly deep fruitiness next to that briny Islay peat.
Tasting Notes:
This really draws the peat far into the background as notes of smoked apricots, star anise, and honey-soaked almonds on the nose. The palate has a slight anchovy oil edge that leads towards a very distant whisp of smoke from a campfire far down a rainy beach next to orange oils, smoked salt flakes over buttery toffee, and a touch of more of those honey almonds. The end holds onto that nuttiness and sweetness with a good spray of seawater as the campfire smoke draws nearer and picks up a little more of those stone fruits along the way.
Bottom Line:
Let’s just say that every bottle from here on out slays.
Cragganmore is an iconic Scottish distillery. The whisky is matured in sherry casks for 12 years. It’s then transferred into American oak casks that held port for a final maturation phase before proofing and bottling.
Tasting Notes:
Fennel leads to some dried fruits and fresh apples on the nose. The taste, on the other hand, leans into sweet oak, figs, pear candies, and a softness that’s almost hard to believe. The end is full of sweet fruits and has just the right touches of oak, vanilla, and savory greens as it fades at a good clip.
Bottom Line:
I love this bottle. It’s something that I truly savor and save for when I need something new, comforting, and light.
Teaninich is one of the rarest drops from the Diageo distilleries. There is the Flora and Fauna edition and this 2016 limited edition. The rest of the juice goes into Johnnie Walker. This drop was comprised of malt aged in ex-bourbon and ex-sherry and then bottled at cask strength.
Tasting Notes:
This is very Highland with a nose of orange marmalade on butter wheat toast bespeckled with pumpkin seeds, poppy seeds, and maybe a sunflower seed or two next to vanilla candies wrapped in white wax paper and a touch of canned brown bread. The palate has an apple cider vibe with hints of that brown bread sweetness leading towards the syrup from a can of peaches, eggnog spices, and a hint of cedar. The finish is soft and slow and leans into the peaches as the spice gently fades towards apple-cider-soaked cinnamon sticks and allspice berries.
Bottom Line:
If you can find this, you’re going to be in for a treat. It’s really one of those brands that you wish had so many more expressions on the shelf.
Besides this bottling, you really only see Blair Athol malt in Bell’s whisky (above) and very limited releases from the distillery or boutique brands. The whisky is a Highland malt that spends 12 years chilling out in ex-bourbon and ex-sherry casks.
Tasting Notes:
The sherry really shines on the nose with a deep dried fruit feel next to Christmas cake spices that were soaked in dark rum — all leading towards hot coals straight from a fireplace. On the palate, light yet very thick syrup arrives with a malty edge, notes of lemon jam, dried apricots, and a vanilla tobacco chewiness. The finish takes its sweet time and turns that light syrup into bitter lemon syrup over dried-out malt crackers with a throughline of burnt rosemary sprigs.
Bottom Line:
I can attest that this blows your palate up. There’s so much going on and it, somehow, makes sense and really drives home how unique some of these malts are.
This is the mountaintop of Johnnie Walker’s whiskies. The blend is a marriage of ultra-rare stock from extinct Diageo distilleries around Scotland. That’s just … cool. This expression is all about barrel selection and the mastery of a great noser and blender working together to create something special.
Tasting Notes:
Dried fruit with a plummy sweetness mingles with a very soft and almost dry pall of smoke. The palate then veers in a completely different direction — folding in orange oils, marzipan, rose water, honeycombs, and a dusting of bitter cacao once water is added. The end is slow, smoky, and full of dry fruits, nuts, and a malty nature.
Bottom Line:
If there’s a better blended malt whisky in the world, we haven’t found it.
This is an obscure single malt distiller that’s really only used for feeding the best Johnnie Walker blends. This extremely rare release spends 16 long years resting in sherry casks before it’s proofed and bottled for this one-off drop.
Tasting Notes:
Imagine the best charcuterie board you’ve ever experienced — crumbly cheddar, Stilton, cellar-cured hams, funky salami, olives, orange marmalade, crusty rye bread, salted and creamy butter — and you’ll be on the right track. Add in a glass of bold and tannic red wine next to Werther’s Originals and you’ll really be getting the vibe of this dram. Now, imagine that all culminated in a Christmas cake brimming with nuts, candied fruits, eggnog spices that’s all been soaked in butter and brandy for months. Then, it all slowly fades away, leaving you with that nutty holiday cake and a line of smoke from a fresh tobacco leaf.
Bottom Line:
This could have been number one. It’s mind-bogglingly delicious. But finding it is going to be a pain in the ass in the U.S.
This is a great gateway to both Oban and scotch to have on hand. The juice is classically made and then matured in the Oban storehouses for 14 long years — all within a stone’s throw of the sea.
Tasting Notes:
Citrus, salt, and a billow of peat smoke open this one up in classic fashion. That citrus carries on as a foundation for mild spices. A note of honey, hints of pears, and plummy dried fruits mingle on the tongue. The oak spice and extremely mild peat smoke meet on the end with a slight malty sweetness as the sip fades.
Bottom Line:
Oban is one of my favorite distilleries in the world. While the 21 is my go-to, the 14 is where you need to start your Oban journey. It’s cheaper and truly special.
Dufftown’s Mortlach is one of those distilleries that may just make you fall in love with scotch. The mash is distilled 2.81 times, according to Mortlach’s unique distilling methods. That juice is then loaded in sherry casks and left to do its thing for 20 long years. The results are vatted, brought down to proof with that soft Speyside water, and bottled.
Tasting Notes:
There’s an apple pie feel that pulls you in with stewed and spicy apples, black raisins, and walnuts next to a hint of caramelized pineapple and a whisper of sea salt. That apple pie filling kicks up a notch as a savory and buttery pie crust comes into play, while hints of mint, figs, vanilla, oak, and dark cacao mingle on the tongue. The end comes along very slowly with more walnuts and raisins leading towards a final savory note that’s almost … extra virgin olive oil?
Bottom Line:
Complex. Unique. Delightful. Bold. Delicate. Engaging. Comforting. This malt is the full package.
This whisky is a marriage of American bourbon barrels, Spanish sherry casks, and Talisker’s seaside location. The whiskies in this single malt spend a minimum of 25 years resting in old bourbon and sherry barrels a few short steps from the sea in the Isle of Skye. Talisker’s tiny warehouse feels a bit like an old pirate ship that’s seen too many sea battles and that aura is imbued into every barrel as it matures.
Tasting Notes:
This one opens with a note of wet wildflowers next to sweet beeswax candles (unlit) with hints of murky apple cider, creamy chocolate, and a whisper of briny campfire smoke. The taste really brings out the wooden beams of the Talisker warehouse with notes of sea salt next to cobwebs and wet moss that’s all counterpointed by a blossoming wisteria, orange tobacco, and a little bit more of that campfire smoke lurking in the background. The end holds onto the florals as it slowly fades away, leaving you with a wisp of smoke, a misting of sea spray, and a touch of that orange.
Bottom Line:
If you don’t like this, we can’t be friends.
Seriously though, this is one of the best whiskies ever made. Of the thousands of drams I’ve tasted, maybe a handful comes as close to the pure bliss of this juice. Save up your cash and dive into a truly great whisky with this bottle.
As a Drizly affiliate, Uproxx may receive a commission pursuant to certain items on this list.
The Emmys were good to Ted Lasso, everyone’s favorite nice (but not only nice) show about a chipper (but also wounded) football (which is to say soccer) coach. The Apple TV+ comedy-drama picked up four trophies, including Outstanding Comedy Series, and awards for star Jason Sudeikis (who roasted his old SNL boss Lorne Michaels) and supporting players Hannah Waddingham and Brett Goldstein (who is not CGI). And after wards they all left the happening that presenter Seth Rogen called “insane” for being held during a pandemic, and had their own private, very Ted Lasso-y party.
As per The Hollywood Reporter, the show’s revelers held a strictly “friends and family”-style soiree, located at the Tower Bar in Sunset Tower, a hotel where many Emmys guests stayed, including much of the largely foreign Ted Lasso cast. There were Ted’s famous biscuits. There was celebrating Sudeikis’ birthday, which was the day before. And there was karaoke.
Karaoke at the Ted Lasso afterparty AND Brendan Hunt changing into his Beard After Dark attire pic.twitter.com/j1ez0h4TCs
It was during a performance of The Walker Brothers’ “The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine (Anymore)” that Brendan Hunt, who plays Ted’s longtime assistant Coach Beard, swapped out of his fineries and into his character’s after dark get-up, including an orange Adidas track jacket and those sparkly, striped trousers he wore on the previous week’s episode.
They weren’t just celebrating a strong showing at a big awards show. The group were also celebrating being once again in the same time zone. They even all (or mostly) stayed at the same hotel.
“It is a real family feel on the show and I know that every single show says that and fair enough, but [it’s true for us]. Being able to be together feels very special,” Phil Dunster, who plays striker Jamie Tartt, told THR. “Particularly after the year that we’ve had. It’s very difficult feeling separate but we all text each other all the time. Being together [here in L.A.], we plan on celebrating, sitting by the pool and drinking lots.”
Fries are the very embodiment of fast food. Potatoes are dirt cheap and readily available and cutting them up and throwing them in a hot pool of oil is the fastest way to prepare them (also the most delicious). Fast food restaurants are defined by their meat options — In-N-Out gets by solely on burgers, Raising Cane’s is chicken tenders and nothing else, Taco Bell makes weird (kinda-sorta) Mexican food for the crossfaded masses — but having good fries is crucial.
It’s the standard side order anywhere with a drive-thru. “Would you like fries with that?” Yes, yes I would.
The fact that everybody loves fries makes ranking them an incredibly difficult task. You might still read my writing if we disagree about double cheeseburgers, but if I slight your favorite fries, well… you won’t care about my opinion anytime soon. So you’d better believe I took this process seriously, trying every fry yet again to make sure I could judge them without relying on memory.
That said, keep your expectations in check. We’re likely to disagree on a few picks. That’s fine. I trust my palate; you probably trust yours. Sure, I’m absolutely right and any contrary takes are 100% wrong, but I won’t call that out unless you come for me particularly viciously in the comments or on social media.
Ready to rank the 23 best fries in the fast food universe (sorry for the omission Culver’s and White Castle — I’m coming soon!)? Let’s get to it!
23. Arby’s — Crinkle Cut Fries
Arby
One thing you’re going to discover about my fry preferences is that I don’t think too highly of crinkle-cut fries. I don’t dislike them enough to put them all at the bottom of this ranking (though I definitely thought about it) but even the best ones aren’t likely to crack the top ten, and here, luxuriating in last place, sit Arby’s Crinkle Cut fries.
It might be news to you that Arby’s has crinkle-cut fries. It’s easy to forget these exist, even if you’ve had them before, because who rolls up to Arby’s and doesn’t get curly fries? They have absolutely nothing going for them — they’re bland and often hard-as-a-rock because you’re the only one who has ever ordered them. Pray you don’t accidentally nab a single curly fry in your order, because knowing how big of a mistake you made is enough to straight-up ruin your meal.
The Bottom Line
Compared to the frozen pre-cut potatoes you can buy at the grocery store, these fries are… somehow worse.
Dairy Queen shouldn’t even make fries, but we get it, sometimes you want something salty to dip into your soft serve ice cream. That’s a pairing we’ll always get behind, but Dairy Queen fries are so bad, so mushy, undercooked, and consistently limp, that you won’t even be able to stab a fry into your soft serve in the first place.
Instead, the fry will just bend to the side, forcing you to wrap your fry around the ice cream — which is pitiful on a variety of levels. When a French fry can’t penetrate a soft-serve, you’ve got a serious problem.
Too harsh? We don’t care. Shake Shack makes easily one of the best cheeseburgers in the fast food and fast-casual food space. There is absolutely no excuse — let me repeat: No. Excuse. — for a restaurant that serves such delicious high-quality cheeseburgers to have fries that resemble and taste like Ora Ida frozen crinkle-cut fries and are sharp enough to cut the roof of your mouth if you bite into them too quickly. Who wants to bleed after eating a meal?
And get this: Shake Shack actually tried to change its fry recipe to something more natural, you know something that could sit alongside their near-perfect Shack Burger, and then — due to customer outcry!!?? — they changed back to the frozen crinkled garbage. The only time I’ve ever eaten a cheeseburger and decided against ordering a side of fries is when I go to Shake Shack.
The Bottom Line
The worst. An insult to everything else on Shake Shack’s menu.
Sonic’s fries are very similar to Wendy’s OG French fry recipe, which is to say not very good. But still better than Shake Shack. Hear that Shake Shack? Sonic. Better fries.
Sorry, I can’t get over how bad Shake Shack’s fries are. I need to move past it…
Anyway, Sonic’s are fine, but they’re so bland you can actually hear them begging for sauce. Luckily Sonic has so many other fried sides that pair well with their food — you can grab mozzarella cheese sticks, or jalapeño poppers, or even Sonic’s Chili Cheese Fries. These fries are perfectly serviceable after being doused in melted cheese and chili, but on their own, they are a blank and boring canvas.
The Bottom Line
You’ll have to trick out these fries if you want them to be edible. Luckily Sonic has a variety of ways for you to do so.
Burger King, a Jack of all trades but a master of none. Burger King isn’t great at anything they make, and that sadly extends to their fries. In fact, we’re not sure we can even call these fries, they have these giant noticeable crystals of salt caked in random clusters throughout the whole body of the fry, and soak up grease and oil like a sponge, resulting in a flavor that is dominated by cheap oil and salt — the potato merely adds texture.
To make these fries palatable, you have to eat them while they’re piping hot, otherwise, the grease will take over and give the fry a rancid aftertaste. Wow, these fries really have nothing going for them do they? Yet… they’re not at the bottom of this list. Fast food brands, listen close: If you’re making fries worse than Burger King, GO BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.
The Bottom Line
A piping hot Burger King fry dipped in a vanilla milkshake is as good as this fry ever gets, but on most occasions, it’s an over-salted, oily mess.
Last year, KFC swapped out their delicious potato wedges for these so-called “Secret Recipe Fries.” Here’s the secret — they’re awful. These lightly battered fries are overly greasy and, like Shake Shack, inexplicably and incredibly sharp. If you’re ever in need of a makeshift weapon, bring these fries along with you, they’re downright lethal.
As far as flavor goes, the Secret Recipe fries are good, and while the batter seems excessive, the crispy bite of each fry is actually very addicting and holds its crunch once dipped in the sauce of your choice (or, you know, biscuit honey). But they’re such a downgrade from the wedges that it hurts.
The Bottom Line
Crispy battered French fries that are good, but not nearly as good as the potato wedges that had to die so they’d live.
Jack in the Box’s regular French Fries are perfectly serviceable fries. There isn’t much that I love about these fries but I have a hard time finding something to dislike. They’re very thin and salty, but they get the job done. They’d probably be ranked higher if Jack in the Box didn’t have curly fries which are so much better that Jack in the Box employees will always assume you want curly fries over the original every visit unless you tell them otherwise.
The Bottom Line
A fine Frenchy fry, but far from Jack in the Box’s best-fried potato side (the Bacon Cheddar Wedges beat these, too).
You’d think all crinkle-cut fries would be made equal, but they’re not. Del Taco’s crinkle-cut fries absolutely dunk on Arby’s and Shake Shack’s. Let that sink in Shake Shack: Del Taco makes better fries than you. See how ridiculous you’re being with those crinkle-cut fries? Thanks to a superior and softer outer texture, a Del Taco fry is still crispy, but offers much more potato on the inside, with — and I can’t believe I’m writing this, it feels so ridiculous — a tamer crinkle that results in an overall smoother, more pleasing mouthfeel.
If I had one complaint, it would be that Del Taco goes a little nuts with the salt, so I’ve never enjoyed them plain as is. I’ve always relied on a squirt of Del Taco hot sauce on top (Del Scorcho is my sauce of choice), and a healthy dusting of pepper, then I stuff them in a ground beef soft taco.
The Bottom Line
A great addition to your taco or burrito and a significant step up from the hard-as-rocks Shake Shack fries.
As someone who routinely writes about fast food, I have to hear people constantly complain about how In-N-Out is “overrated” and has some of the worst fries in the game. In-N-Out is not overrated, I know as a West Coaster I have a considerable and favorable bias towards the popular regional chain, but if you think In-N-Out cheeseburgers aren’t delicious, you have bad taste. Straight up. Do the burgers live up to your expectations? Probably not, but that’s kind of your fault, not In-N-Out’s.
But I’ll give you the fries. They are, in fact, mediocre. At best.
While they’re terribly bland and almost never cooked right because In-N-Out is constantly busy and they often put too many fries in too small a quantity of oil, they do have a few things going for them. Unlike most fast food french fries, In-N-Out uses fresh potatoes, peeled and sliced right before your eyes prior to being dumped in sunflower oil. That level of “made to order” can never be a bad thing — though you could argue that peeling, boiling, slicing, and freezing your potatoes makes for a better fry. If you find them unpalatable, add salt and pepper, or order the secret menu Animal Style Fries which combines Thousand Island-style dressing, grilled onions, and melted cheese.
The Bottom Line
Salt, pepper, special sauce, cheese, ketchup, grilled onions, chopped chilis… In-N-Out fries can taste good, but the onus is really on you. The restaurant barely meets you halfway.
I really wanted these to be better. As you make your way through this ranking you’re going to see that I have a soft spot in my heart for fries that come from fresh non-frozen potatoes, but there is something just so forgettable about these fries.
They don’t suffer from that cardboard texture that plagues In-N-Out’s fries, but these fries have nothing going for them aside from a crispy outer. I don’t understand how Wahlburger managed to make a Yukon Gold potato, which is hands down my favorite potato, taste this bland. You’re going to need to ask for an extra order of Wahl Sauce just to help you get through their boring flavor. Salt and pepper aren’t enough to lift these from unremarkable to edible, and that’s the sign of a middling fry.
The Bottom Line
If you came to Wahlburgers looking for good vibrations, don’t order the Yukon French Fries.
I’ve noticed that almost everything at Jack in the Box that is fried kind of has the same flavor. Whether you’re getting regular fries, curly fries, chicken strips, jalapeno poppers, mozzarella sticks (they keep discontinuing these for some reason), or cinnamon churros, they all have this distinct grease flavor lurking beneath the more prominent flavors.
I love the semi-spicy onion and garlic powder flavor of the curly fries, but I have a fear of ordering above a small size because they’re so damn greasy.
The Bottom Line
Don’t go to Jack in the Box when you’re of sane mind, instead go when you’re baked. This is stoner food.
While Del Taco’s crinkle-cut fries were a considerable step up from Arby’s and Shake Shack’s, Raising Cane’s still snagged the top spot for crinkle-cut fries in our ranking. They’re crunchy on the outside, but not hazardously so, and the inside reveals delicious hot potato. It’s simple, but, as we alluded to in the opening of this article, that’s all you really need to make a french fry good. Also, the crinkle-cut fries and Cane’s sauce combination is so good that we strongly advise you to ask for extra Cane’s sauce, as you’re going to want to dip your chicken in it too.
I’ve inquired whether Raising Cane’s fries are frozen or fresh, turns out sadly, they’re frozen, but they are made so attentively that they’re always fried to perfection. If you dig the crinkle-cut, Raising Cane’s is the move. But if you really love fries, you probably recognize that crinkle-cut isn’t where it’s at.
At one point while conceiving this article I thought it might be a fun take to give Carl’s Jr’s Criss-Cut fries the top spot. That’s never been done before. I used to love these things, but there is a reason they’ve never topped a list — they’re good but not that great. Maybe in a fast-food landscape that consists only of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Jack in the Box, these things are pretty interesting, but we don’t live in that world. 2021 has endless options.
The Criss-Cut fries have a great crispy exterior and are well seasoned but taste better shoved in a burger than they do on their own.
The Bottom Line
Carl’s Jr’s best french fry option, but the best waffle fry award goes to…
Chick-fil-A fries can be hit or miss depending on how busy the restaurant is. During calmer hours of the day, they’re crispy on the outside, but buttery and soft on the inside, likely a result of the hot peanut oil they’re fried in. And they’re modestly dusted with sea salt in a way that doesn’t make them inedible, take note Burger King. But during the busy hours? These things are straight-up trash. They either come out hard as a rock and stale or soggy and mushy.
Aside from the roller coaster of quality, my only gripe, and I hate that this bothers me, is that Chick-fil-A gets real… relaxed with the way they load up the fries in the box. Seriously I’ve dumped out a small order and counted — again, I hate complaining about this — eight waffle fries.
That’s not enough fries, I’m sorry.
The Bottom Line
Oh, you don’t like Chick-fil-A’s sandwich huh? Have you tried the one where you take a nugget and fold a waffle fry around it? Taste that and circle back.
For the last three years, Taco Bell has been torturing French fry lovers by adding these and then taking them off of the menu. It’s a shame too because Taco Bell’s fries are excellent. They have a crispy almost battered outer that is encrusted with spices like garlic powder, onion powder, and paprika. It’s the same blend that makes up your average Curly fry, but instead of adopting the form of a thick greasy string of spaghetti, these have that classic fry cut.
Does that make them better? We’re not sure, but they definitely don’t taste anything like curly fries despite having the same seasoning. My big issue with these fries is the name, calling them “Nacho Fries” leads me to assume I’m about to enjoy some carne asada fries, complete with salsa, cheese, cilantro, onion, and guacamole. Instead, these are just fries with seasoning that in no way evokes nachos. They get a pass for being so good though, even if the name is misleading.
The Bottom Line
If you’re surprised Taco Bell has fries, you’ll be even more surprised how delicious they are. Get them now before Taco Bell takes them off the menu. Again.
During our first French fry ranking, we kept Farmer Boys off the list. That was a mistake, these fries are amazing. They truly live up to their name, they’re always crispy, with a thin shape that really helps to focus the experience on the crunchy ness and causes the occasional fry to curl, almost like a curly fry!
You don’t ever have to worry about these getting soggy but they don’t slip into that hard-as-diamond territory that plagues so many fast food French fries that sit longer than 15-minutes either.
The Always Crispy fries are very gently breaded, which create these crispy airy pockets across the surface which helps to soak up sauces like BBQ and Ranch, while still providing a crunchy texture that is so addictive to eat.
The Bottom Line
No order of Farmer Boys is complete without the Always Crispy Fries. Yes, the fried Zucchini is amazing too, but as delicious and novelty as they are, don’t ever sub them for the fries, because you don’t want to miss these.
This is another entry that was left off of our original fry ranking and I just want to apologize for all the Wiener heads out there (Schnitzel heads?) because these are jaw-droppingly good. I didn’t bother with them the first time around because… well this is Wienerschnitzel we’re talking about, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that these fries were perfectly crispy, piping hot, and good enough to eat with only the salt that Wienerschnitzel pours on them.
That’s a rare feat for a fast food French fry, they almost all need a generous amount of seasoning to take them to the next level.
The Bottom Line
Way better than you’d expect a French fry from a bottom-tier fast food joint like Wienerschnitzel, and worth a trip alone. This is Wienerschnitzel’s best kept secret and deserves near-ten placement on every fast food fry ranking out there.
Arby’s gets a bad rap and for good reason. It’s that whole meathead “we’ve got the meats” anti-plant-based protein stance that deservedly makes them the butt of a lot of jokes. But if you can look past their weird decision to double down amidst a growing body of evidence that shows our habits, including the foods we eat, are directly resulting in a warming climate, we can at least appreciate that we have Arby’s to thank for making curly fries a thing. These were the original and they still taste delicious!
The battering isn’t too crazy here, giving you a better ratio of outer to inner, with a focus on a flavor that perfectly marries buttery potato, onion, and paprika.
The Bottom Line
Take the advice of Uproxx’s Chris Osburn, “Pair them with their cheese sauce and you don’t even need to waste your time on their sandwiches.”
Wendy’s unveiled a new French fry recipe this year and we’ve got to say, it has been quite the glow up. In our original ranking, Wendy’s came in 11th out of 15, now they’re top 5! They’re like the Drake of the fast food French fries, no one expected them to be this good.
Wendy’s OG fries were always a weak link in an otherwise stellar menu, like Shake Shack’s fries, but not as bad. The old fries used skin-on potatos which gave them a dirty earthy taste and they’d try to hide this flavor by over-seasoning them with sea salt. The new fries still have that skin-on, but the earthy taste is gone. The fries are now much thicker and have a delicious crispy outer that keeps them crunchy no matter how long it takes you to eat them.
With this fry, Wendy’s was attempting to create a French fry that stayed hot and crispy, and they definitely stay crispy but if you let these fries sit around for a while the quality of the flavor takes a considerable dip. Fresh out of the fryer though, these are the best tasting new French fries to hit the scene.
The Bottom Line
Wendy’s went from having some of the worst French fries, to having some of the best thanks to this new recipe. Don’t sleep on these, if you haven’t tried them yet go get Wendy’s today!
I’ve seen these ranked waaaaay too low on other french fry rankings. How? Why? These fries are nearly perfect with a light exterior seasoned with onion and garlic powder, paprika, and black pepper that is good crispy, and hot and tastes even better after they chill in the box and get soggy. They’re nearly perfect and only bested by the slightly better Rally’s fries. Popeyes cajun fries have an appetizing smell and, best of all, don’t include that weird greasy aftertaste that plagues most curly fries.
Pour ketchup on them, douse them in honey, dip them in sauce, or eat them on their own. These fries are perfect.
The Bottom Line
People go crazy for that Popeyes Chicken Sandwich, but the Cajun fries are really where it’s at. Shove them in your Popeyes Chicken Sandwich and thank us in the comments for making a good thing even better.
Rally’s (it’s known as Rally’s in my hood) seasoned fries are the reason you go to Rally’s. These use the same garlic powder, onion powder, and paprika seasoning as Jack in the Box’s curly fries, and Popeyes’ Cajun Fries, but the outer is a lot lighter and crispier than both of those, and they don’t suffer from that same trapped grease flavor that holds Jack in the Box back.
Unlike the Popeyes fries, Rally’s uses considerably more batter, but rather than weighing the fries down or acting as a grease and oil trap, they manage to come out crispy and airy every time and house molten hot buttery potato beneath that crunchy exterior and don’t get soggy. I know I just said in the Popeyes entry that I like the sog, but I’m not going to pretend a soggy fry is ever better than a crispy one. I’m not that crazy (prepare yourself, we’re approaching number one)!
The Bottom Line
A must order at Rally’s, an exact middle ground between Jack in the Box’s curly fries and Popeye’s Cajun Fries.
McDonald’s used to fry their French fries in beef tallow, and a lot of people seem to think that made them better. We have no doubt that that made them better, but even without the beef tallow, they’re still almost perfect. This is going to be a lot of people’s number one choice, and I get it, on a perfect day McDonald’s fries are still the GOAT. Few things beat an order of fresh fries from McDonald’s, they’re crispy, salty, and — I swear — they must have a sprinkling of sugar on them to make them all the more addictive.
McDonald’s is probably the first major fast food place that ever sold an order of fries in one of their large cups of soda for the especially french fry obsessed (they don’t do this anymore) and even if you’re someone who avoids McDonald’s at all cost, you’ve probably found yourself either craving an order, or saying to someone picking of McDonald’s, “just get me a larger order of fries.”
I asked my Uproxx colleagues what their favorite fast-food fries were, and they all unanimously agreed that nothing beats McDonald’s. I didn’t listen to them of course, but it’s hard to argue that anything could beat french fries this good, as cliche as it is to admit. But even the McDonald’s-obsessives have to agree with this point, when the fries aren’t fresh, they’re not so much food as they are dangerous weapons. A stale McDonald’s fry, which let’s be honest, are half of McDonald’s french fry orders, are practically darts.
The Bottom Line
On some days, easily the best french fries in the fast-food universe, forever and always. And some days…
This isn’t my first time ranking french fries, and the first time I did it I gave the top spot to Five Guys, which gave my editor a conniption fit that extended to a whole handful of readers who were more than excited to tell me I was either ‘stupid,’ ‘wrong,’ or both. So I debated swapping McDonald’s over Five Guys, just to be a people pleaser. F*ck that. I stand my ground, if you have a problem with non-frozen freshly peeled hand-cut potatos from a host of ever-shifting Idaho-based farms double fried (the way French Fries are supposed to be) in high quality peanut oil, I question your ability to taste.
I’ll admit that Five Guys fries aren’t always perfect. Sometimes when you open your bag they’re a soggy mess of grease, and if you get your order to-go which these days is the custom, more often than not your fries will turn out this way. Eat them as soon as you get them and tell me they aren’t the best fast food french fries you’ve ever had. Prepared the proper way they have the perfect crispy exterior with molten hot buttery Idaho potato inside that turns each bite into absolute ecstasy.
But a word of advice — don’t order the Cajun fries. It sounds counterintuitive, why would you want salt and pepper over Cajun seasoning, more flavor is better right? Absolutely, but Five Guys doesn’t know how to season fries, their whole ethos is to go nuts so they haphazardly sprinkle way too much which can make some of your fries downright inedible. So make your life better by ordering the regular fries, they come seasoned with salt. Ask for a side of cajun seasoning, grab five packets of pepper, and season to taste. Yes, you’ll have to put some work into it, but when you control the seasoning, Five Guys fries become a delicious blank canvas for you to do whatever you like with them.
Toss them with some malt vinegar, dip them in BBQ, these french fries are as good as you want them to be, and I’m always going to prefer that approach. I know it burns McDonald’s, but I have to be true to myself here. Hate on.
The Bottom Line
I know they’re not McDonald’s but when seasoned right and eaten fresh they’re the best french fries you can ever hope to get in a brown paper bag.
Fans of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman graphic novels have patiently waited for decades to see whether the genre-stretching, sprawling work would spring from the pages into, well, more. This dream, of course, has been a double-edged sword, and I wondered if the lack of an adaptation was probably for the better. After all, the dark fantasy saga (which leaps through time and space and rustles up dozens of characters, some fleeting, in the process) looks to be hellaciously difficult to adapt. Gaiman spoke to that sentiment after a few abbreviated Hollywood attempts while proclaming that “I’d rather see no Sandman movie made than a bad Sandman movie.”
Well, we didn’t get a movie and likely will never get a movie. That’s a very good thing, and even better: Audible recognized that The Sandman would fare well as a reading that’s packed with a star-studded cast. James McAvoy headlines as Morpheus, the God of Dreams, Michael Sheen appears as Lucifer. Brian Cox is Augustus, and there’s also Riz Ahmed, Samantha Morton, Andy Serkis, and too many more to name here. And in the unforgettable role of Death — the perky goth lady tasked with telling people that it’s their time to pass into another realm — is none other than Kat Dennings. The MCU actress (she portrayed Darcy Lewis in Thor and WandaVision, and we’ll likely see her in one more Marvel project) stretches here beyond the confines of her usual roles. As Death, she’s both silly and somber, and it’s hard to imagine a better voice for the role alongside McAvoy’s lugubrious take on Morpheus and the rest of her Endless siblings.
DC Comics/Vertigo
This project is not to be confused with the upcoming Netflix TV series (which will star Patton Oswalt as a raven) that’s currently in production. In contrast, the Audible Original is already trucking along after last year’s first installment encapsulated the first three graphic novels (Preludes and Nocturnes, The Doll’s House, and Dream Country). Act 2 (with Season of Mists, A Game Of You, Fables And Reflections) will debut on September 22, and Death has a lot more on her plate for this batch of tales. Kat Dennings was gracious enough to talk about The Sandman and her Marvel adventures, too.
I am selfishly happy that The Sandman doesn’t have to incorporate Covid. Death is already busy enough at her job without a pandemic.
Yeah, well, she’s certainly an interesting character because she does have the hardest job, but she is the most powerful out of all of them. What I really liked about playing about her is that she’s sort-of this cheerful, bubbly personality, which goes directly against all of the dark stuff that is required of her. So that is really fun to play and a really twisty kind of mindset to get into. And it’s more so in Act 2. Act 1 had a lot of those scenes, but Act 2 touches on even more than that.
What’s funny is that she has the hardest job but still always puts family first.
[Laugh] Yeah, you’re right! She does. She tries to wrangle everybody and get them to simmer down and pay attention to what we’re doing. I love her, and I enjoy her so much.
She’s got a lot more to do during this Act, right?
Well, for anyone who has any familiarity with graphic novels, they know that they go across time, across space, and god, just everything that you can imagine. So, it’s hard to explain, but I will say that she has some really fun family interactions. You meet more of The Endless in Act 2, and I really did enjoy portraying that regular sibling kind-of banter between these extraordinary, immortal beings. That was a really fun element, so you can definitely look forward to more of that.
People have felt very comforted by Neil’s stories for decades. And The Sandman arrived at a very strange time for us in this world.
Oh yeah.
How did you hope that the Audible Original would be received right now, when life can seem like a nightmare?
Oh, you’re correct about that!
Sadly, yes, but I hope we’ll all eventually awaken.
You know, I think there is a nostalgia element for people with these graphic novels and who grew up reading them and loved them for so long, so that’s amazing. I’m very guilty of the nostalgia thing myself, especially with going through a hard time, nostalgia is a very nice place to be for me, anyway. I’ve found myself rewatching stuff that I liked when I was a kid. Like, oh my god.
Well, now you gotta tell me where nostalgia has led you lately.
Well, Labyrinth and Dark Crystal, things that I haven’t seen for a while. To revisit them, there’s this visceral experience that I think pretty much everyone gets. A time-travel-y, warm experience when you remember where you were the first time you watched them? So I think that’s one element, and the other thing is that this is an Audible Original, meaning that you don’t have to go anywhere. You don’t have to leave your house. You get to stay home and experience this long epic with a lot of other people. So it’s a shared experience (which is very hard now to have with other people, obviously because of what we’re all experiencing right now), but you are in the comfort of your home, and I say “long” in a good way. It takes a while to get through it, and that’s very comforting. So it’s the nostalgia thing, but it’s also very exciting because even fans of the graphic novel will be surprised at the individual actors’ takes on the scenes or whatever it is.
When I talked to Neil about Act 1, he said that he’d watched you in so many things, including 2 Broke Girls and thought, “She’s good, but they’re only asking her to do one of the hundred things that she can do.”
Awwwwwwwww.
And he loved that with Death, you get to do all those things.
That’s so sweet.
So, how did you do those hundred things? It seems intimidating.
Right, it is! I remember asking Neil at the beginning of this, “Like what should I do? How do you want me to play her?” Because this was his invention, and he just said, “Be yourself.” [Laughs]
No freaking way! That’s incredible on a few fronts.
And that’s how I play Death, but what he meant was that after knowing me for so many years, I think what he was saying was that I have a kind-of paradoxical thing about my personality. I can be very dark and mopey and whatnot, but I also have a very bubbly, cheerful side. I think that might be why he had me in mind for this character, but he wanted me to keep her bright side at the forefront because we do know what is going on in the scenes, and sometimes, playing exactly what is happening doesn’t exactly serve the emotions. And sometimes playing a little bit against what is happening in these scenes is a little more effective than just being obvious. And I’m not saying that I’m a world-class actor, but for these types of things, it’s very effective, so I kept it at the forefront of my mind.
The Sandman is not your first comic-book outing. How deep do you usually dive into source material?
It depends on who I’m playing. In my case, Darcy Lewis is a new addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. She’s in the comics now, but she was not when I first came through. So, there wasn’t much research for me to do, which was a relief because as you know, playing a beloved character comes with a lot of expectations. So I had an easy ride there, but in general, I actually try not to, well, I will familiarize myself with certain things in a scene, so I sound like I know what I’m talking about. But for me, I like to lessen the pressure on myself if possible, and also, I like to think about “what does this character actually know?” And I will just try to stay faithful to that. It’s kind-of a lazy way to do it, but it works for me.
Nerd fandom can be intense. How do you navigate that and how much attention do you pay to it, especially with people so invested in WandaVision?
I feel like I do a pretty good job at not paying too much attention, but in a positive way to WandaVision, I feel like the response to the whole series, and specifically to my character, was positive, and I never really expect that stuff because I’m very critical of myself, like all actors are, but it was so wonderful to get such a warm response from people. Once I saw how nice people were being, I did a little bit of a Twitter dive.
People were so excited to see Darcy and loved her buddy-comedy team-up at the end.
I was like, “This is the sweetest stuff that I’ve ever seen in my life, and also, I can’t read anymore!” You don’t wanna read bad things about yourself, but you also don’t want to read too many good things about yourself, just because it’s a slippery slope and kind-of a bad idea. But I certainly saw the positive feedback, and I appreciated it so much.
Final question time. If you could put Death and Darcy into different projects, whether that’s a TV show or movie, where would you want them to go?
Oh wow, that’s a tough order! I would like the character of Death to go into Golden Girls.
My god, I did not expect that answer, with Betty White and everything.
You can just imagine the hijinks. I think that is the height of comedy. And Darcy, oh boy. Well, now she’s Dr. Darcy Lewis, so she could go into some sort of a [laughs]… that’s complicated! I’m not sure where Darcy could go, really anywhere at this point.
Let’s just toss her into NCIS.
Yeahhhh! She can go right onto a procedural. CSI In Space. How about that? Or she could go into, oh god, what’s a good space show?
All For Mankind, maybe.
God, I’m so behind. Let’s just put her into CSI.
Thank you for humoring that weirdo question.
Oh, I love that question, thank you!
Neil Gaiman’s ‘The Sandman: Act II’ debuts September 22 on Audible.
When you hear the phrase “turn of the millennium,” it just feels revolutionary right? I mean, this isn’t your average new decade or even the dawn of a new century. This is 1,000 years we’re talking about. It feels safe to say that at the start of the 2000s, an increased and unparalleled emphasis on technological advancement was created — as well as intense fears regarding it (Y2k, anyone?) However, this growth and curiosity did not lead to a massive loss of data and global blackouts, but rather a whole lot of innovation in a whole lot of industries, including video games.
In the 2000s, we saw the rise of 3D games following their popularization and refinement in the 90s. It’s also important to note games got bigger, and not just in a purely data-based sense, but rather the idea of “sandbox” games — games featuring a vast world you are free to roam around in and filled with tasks not pertinent to the game’s linear story — rose to prominence. While still a ways off from what we have today, graphics also improved a frankly staggering amount as we started to get games that looked realistic — and touched on more grounded stories and messages as well.
Just like our previous top games post we did covering the 2010s, this list was compiled using the aggregate review site Metacritic which I do for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, it just feels way more fair and inclusive than me picking my personal favorites and missing some of the great games I never got around to playing. It also keeps me from taking too much heat for leaving things out, because trust me, I’m just as upset as you that The Sims,Mass Effect, and Shadow of the Colossus aren’t on here!
The last thing I’ll say before we jump in is man did we have quite the tie for tenth place on this list! While I ultimately went with the game you’ll see here in just a moment, it’s absolutely worth noting that Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, Half-Life 2, Resident Evil 4, The Legend of Zelda:Twilight Princess, and Uncharted 2: Among Thieves all held a 96% on Metacritic as well, and it truly hurt waving those games goodbye — especially since two of ’em are some of my all-time favorites! Ultimately, I chose the one that felt the most “iconic,” and I think you’ll see what I mean.
As always, feel free to comment on what games you think are missing or shouldn’t have made the cut.
See what I mean by iconic? I can still hear the “would you kindly”s even now. While I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to say Bioshock was the first game to really grapple with politics and philosophy head-on (I mean hell, the Metal Gear Solid series was three deep by this point and several JRPGs had been doing this for decades), I think Bioshock did it in such a shockingly confrontational way that it left players a bit transfixed. The world of rapture was also so beautiful, horrific, inspired, and immersive, you couldn’t help but feel as sunken into it as protagonist Jack.
On a list that is almost entirely pretty heavy, serious, and/or mature, it’s nice to see a friendly face, huh? When Super Mario Galaxy was released back in 2007, folks were quick to praise it as being the greatest platformer Nintendo ever made and it’s pretty easy to see why. Super Mario Galaxy takes what made Super Mario 64 great and elevates it. Literally. Instead of jumping through portraits to other worlds, in Galaxy you soar around them as you traverse through space collecting stars. The game is bright, vivid, smart, and unique, and earned praise for being one of the Wii games that most effectively used the system’s controls without feeling overly gimmicky, giving folks a reason to pick up the console.
Maybe it’s just me but it always feels strange to see a major sports title make a best games list because I just operate under the assumption that they have to be getting better, right? While this is mostly true, there are some sports titles that are so drastically better than their predecessors they leave a lasting impression. Enter NFL 2k1. NFL 2k1 introduced a lot of elements that are now staples in the sports genre, most notably an online mode and franchise mode, which allowed you to play manager, draft players, and take your team through multiple seasons. The game also had massive AI and physics improvements, making for gameplay that felt more real and far less predictable and gamified than ever before. Improved graphics and audio, as well as more commentary than ever before, made this NFL entry an extremely significant one.
7. Grand Theft Auto III (2001, 97%)
Simply put, the Grand Theft Auto series would not be what it is today without Grand Theft Auto 3 and — considering how iconic the series has gone on to be — that says a lot about this game and how deserving it is of a spot on this list. The first 3D Grand Theft Auto, GTA3 served as the blueprint not only for the series and its tone going forward but also for what sandbox games in the 2000s would come to be. While it’s certainly not the best-written game in the series, Grand Theft Auto III made GTA, and Rockstar Games, a household name.
Since Metroid’s release back in 1986 (yes, it really has been 35 years), the series has gone on to become of the most beloved Nintendo franchises ever created. While it never reached quite the same iconic status as Mario or even The Legend of Zelda, Metroid — alongside Castlevania, of course — ultimately led to the creation of a new video game genre: the “metroidvania.” All this to say this series is kind of a big deal, and Metroid Prime is widely regarded as one of its best titles. The first 3D Metroid game, Metroid Prime used the foundation of the beloved title Super Metroid as a frame to make the series transition into a new dimension work rather than seem too drastic of a departure. In addition, Prime didn’t embrace the FPS genre in a way fans were worried it might. While there’s still plenty of gunning, it still retains the spirit of its predecessors and is both gorgeous to look at and smart.
Interestingly enough, this isn’t even the top Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater game on this list despite fans of the series widely regarding it as a pretty damn perfect game. Just goes to show how great the series is, huh? One of the things that makes Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 so fantastic is the addition of reverts, a trick that players could slap on to their combos to make them astronomically longer, thus making the game even more fun. It also introduced hidden combos, a balance meter, online capabilities, and female skaters, which was a pretty big deal to this girl back in 2001.
4. Perfect Dark (2000, 97%)
Created by the same studio that created the iconic 3D first-person shooter Goldeneye 007 (and Banjo-Kazooie, Diddy Kong Racing, and many other incredible yet less relevant games), Perfect Dark is — in a sense — a spiritual successor to Goldeneye. The sci-fi shooter featured more weapons, levels, missions, challenges, incredibly fun multiplayer modes, a better story, and more intuitive AI, making for a better functioning game with all the dressings you’d hope would come with it. When it comes to games that got pretty close to making FPSs just as fun to play on console as they were on PC, the deceptively large and smart Perfect Dark makes the list, though falls short compared to the next game we’re gonna talk about.Steam
3. Halo: Combat Evolved (2001, 97%)
While it might not top this list, when it comes to which game on here has arguably had the greatest impact on the generation of gamers who grew up playing it, it’s gotta be Halo: Combat Evolved. Prior to Halo, the idea that a competitive, online multiplayer shooter experience could be enjoyed on console was, well, a bit laughable. Sure, we had the aforementioned Goldeneye and Perfect Dark on Nintendo 64, but those games were in a whole different ballpark than the titles that were releasing on PC at the same time. Halo defined what a first-person shooter on a console could look like, both revolutionizing and defining the genre while also giving the Xbox the oomf it needed to become a must-buy console.
2. Grand Theft Auto IV (2008, 98%)
If Grand Theft Auto III defined the series, Grand Theft Auto IV revolutionized it, ushering in a new and more mature era for the franchise. Following the more comical Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and Vice City, IV offered a more grounded story with higher graphical fidelity than ever before and more realistic driving. In addition, it added the first heist style missions to the series as well as an online component, two things that were expanded upon in Grand Theft Auto V and made that title the best-seller it is.
1.Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 (2000, 98%)
While Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater was already heralded as an instant classic when it hit shelves in 1999, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 broke new ground and improved just about everything the first one had to offer in pretty significant ways. It had better graphics, better gameplay, and a more diverse catalog of music. It also added in new tricks, introduced manuals to the series — thus enabling players to create longer combos — and introduced both park and character customization, all now staples of the series. In short, it does just about everything you want a sequel to do, making it arguably the greatest game of its decade.
Within the genre of true crime documentaries, pyramid schemes are the rarest of unicorns. They’re stories that lie in the in-between space of the Venn Diagram dominated by cults, money laundering, con artistry, and of course, the dark side of Mormonism. But, even knowing the kind of potential these multi-level-marketing sagas have, Amazon’s latest docuseries, LulaRich, still feels like an outlier. Why? Because, as batsh*t crazy as you think it’s going to be, it always finds new levels of lunacy.
Its basic premise is, “Look, more white people doing terrible things!” But, what elevates it is its characters, who aren’t as diverse in ethnicity as they are in their own sense of morality and what constitutes the “American Dream.” There’s DeAnne Stidham, a bubbly, purposefully harebrained housewife who found financial freedom by selling maxi skirts from the trunk of her car and wanted to “bless” others with the abundance that comes from cheap, stretchy fabrics (and pliable minds). Her husband, Mark, is a man who thinks the only thing worse than being flat broke is making just $400 a week for the rest of his life. It was his father’s driving motto and he’ll become unexpectedly verklempt anytime he repeats it on camera. They’re both Mormons so, naturally, they have enough children to fill an NFL team’s starting roster, and most of their offspring occupy positions in their multi-billion dollar company that they have absolutely no experience or training in. Of those 14 children, only two married each other, a brag Deanne and Mark make early in the four-part series as they uneasily laugh in front of unseen interviewers. “Isn’t almost-incest funny y’all?” Deanne’s wild-eyed stare seems to say.
And sure, this couple is, undoubtedly, the villain of the story filmmakers Jenner Furst and Julia Willoughby Nason are trying to tell. They’re brightly patterned, highly-caffeinated overlords that read as almost cartoonish in their willful ignorance of the destruction they’ve left in their wake. But to truly understand what makes this docuseries the “Fyre Festival of online retail” you’ve really got to appreciate the various parts that make up its sum — the prosperity gospel preachers, the Tijuana Skinnies group chat members, the Mormons weaponizing oral sex, the fart-smelling leggings, and the unexpected heroes like LaShae Kimbrough and Derryl Trujillo, who somehow remained true to themselves (and avoided those company cruises) throughout it all.
These are our picks for the wildest highlights from the docuseries.
The Leggings
Amazon Prime
The story of LulaRoe doesn’t begin with the gaudily-designed leggings the company is now known for. In fact, Deanne apparently got her start pawning off maxi skirts to friends, family, and passersby on the highway before her business took off and she joined her husband in swindling housewives out of their dignity and hard-earned cash. But it’s the leggings that get the most airtime, product-wise. More importantly, it’s the way those leggings are talked about — first, almost reverentially, then, with a hate-filled contempt that seethes through the screen — that feels like one of the more fascinating parts of this series.
As a designer for the company says on-camera, hamburger prints ended up looking like “artistic vaginas,” poorly-placed city structures looked like penises. Bees might be crawling out of a woman’s crotch. And those are just the “defective” products, the leggings retailers point to when problems begin to arise within the company’s production chain. Some of the worst offenders were prints that women were shelling out tens of thousands of dollars to buy and then upsell, to their clientele. Pepperoni-pizza patterned pants. Multi-colored octopus prints. Unicorns with donuts. Count Dracula-themed monstrosities. White women may have just been freed from the tyranny of skinny jeans, but LulaRoe leggings were there to shackle them once more — this time with cotton-like sausage sleeves whose purpose was to remind stay-at-home-moms what season they were in.
When things turn sour in the doc, those defiantly grotesque leggings turn rancid. Too much product and not enough storage means some are sitting in an outside parking lot, playing shelter to some feral rats and leeching color in the hot California sun. They overwhelm retailers’ homes with a stench that makes one woman gag just thinking about it while others recall how the material began to thin and the patterns began to look off as DeAnne and Mark collected more disciples for their cult of white-woman tribal printed pants.
In perhaps the saddest moment of the whole series, former employee Stella Lemberg mourns the loss of her favorite comfort wear with this lament:
“The buttery soft legging that I fell in love with was getting thinner.”
Truly heartbreaking.
The Tijuana Skinnies
Amazon Prime
How does South of the Border tummy tucks play a role in the downfall of an MLM retail company? Internalized patriarchal values, that’s how. Halfway through Amazon’s docuseries, photos and videos of DeAnne start to look different. She’s thinner, and she’s lost too much weight, too fast, but she’s getting compliments on her svelte new frame and encouraging her retailers to start selling more than just a rack of badly-stiched fabrics from JoAnn’s. She wants them to sell that model-thin American ideal of what a woman’s body should look like (while donning her nightmarish leggings), and she’s willing to bully them into getting cheap plastic surgery in another country to see her vision come to fruition. The Tijuana Skinnies group chat is introduced midway through the docuseries, once audiences have begun to already smell something fishy in DeAnne’s holy waters, but the reveal that she, along with her sister, pressured women into crossing the border to get a gastric sleeve that would effectively cut their stomach in half so that they could achieve her body dysmorphic fantasy is still shocking.
Isn’t forcing these women to encase their normal percentage of body fat into your tacky Mickey Mouse-covered tourniquets punishment enough, DeAnne?!
Washi Tape Becca
Amazon Prime
Becca Peter is a self-less internet crusader and the hero we didn’t know we needed. She sells fun, intricately patterned tape on Etsy, so she knows the rules of the online retail game well. And, perhaps because she sleeps easy at night knowing she’s not running a religiously-veiled grift, she has plenty of time and energy to devote to trolling the hell out of LulaRoe lovers. It’s amazing what boredom and access to the internet can help a person to accomplish and Becca proves this time and again, revealing she started looking up lawsuits against the company and documenting their bad practices simply because she needed a new hobby.
The Kelly Clarkson Boycott
Amazon Prime
Derryl Trujillo, a former data management worker for LulaRoe, ends his on-air testimony with a beautiful revenge fantasy. He dreams of one day grabbing a bite with all the other swindled employees at a restaurant across from the company’s headquarters. They’d be dining on the patio, sipping their drink of choice (a vodka cran full disclosure) and gleefully watching as federal agents repossess every computer and printer and ergonomically incorrect chair LulaRoe owns.
But we have a fantasy of our own. You see, Derryl used to be a Kelly Clarkson stan — we’d like to imagine he first vibed with “Behind These Hazel Eyes” — but when LulaRoe shelled out millions to book her for a concert meant to encourage more retailers to sign to their business model, the love he had for America’s sweetheart died. In the doc, Derryl mournfully admits he’s boycotting the singer — a shame since, as he says, he “really loved” her music. So our dream is that this rift between the Texan talk show host and the man who unironically quotes the best of the Star Trek storylines while promising to vanquish his Mormon overlords one day may finally be healed.
Your move, Kelly.
Cruising With Caucasians
Amazon Prime
LaShae Kimbrough is a force of a woman, a fashion maven who (rightly) balks at being told her luxury Chanel just isn’t on-brand for a LulaRoe employee on her first day on the job. She saw through the bullsh*t Mark and DeAnne spewed, she knew onboarding hundreds of retailers per day wasn’t sustainable, she recognized why storing cages full of leggings in the company parking lot might be bad for business. So, when she was eventually invited on the VIP cruises DeAnne and Mark threw for top-level performers within LulaRoe, she eschewed the initial premise of every horror movie we’ve ever seen and made the right decision: to say no to being on a boat in the middle of the ocean with too many white people.
Jordan Peele would be proud.
‘LuLaRich’ is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.
For years, far right sites like Breitbart News have sowed distrust in journalists, in Democrats, even in experts. They’ve taught their readers that these people aren’t only wrong but evil. Then a once-in-a-century pandemic happened. And when journalists, Democrats, and experts told them to take it seriously, to mask up, to get a vaccine, they did what they were bound to do: They did the opposite. The overwhelming majority of COVID cases and deaths right now involve the unvaccinated. So one Breitbart writer sprung into action: He blamed the deaths of the unvaccinated…on those begging people to get vaccinated.
In two new pieces, longtime Breitbart writer John Nolte — who is vaccinated and who is trying to reason with people who booed Trump himself for recommending the vaccines — made a surreal, bananas argument: that “leftists” like Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, CNN, and Howard Stern — who recently had some choice words for anti-vaxxers — are “deliberately looking to manipulate Trump supporters into not getting vaccinated.”
He added, “Nothing else makes sense to me.”
Nolte’s argument, such as it was, was that the unvaccinated would never want to be “bullied or ridiculed or mocked or pushed into doing anything.” Fair enough. But then he went a bunch of steps further:
If I wanted to use reverse psychology to convince people not to get a life-saving vaccination, I would do exactly what Stern and the left are doing… I would bully and taunt and mock and ridicule you for not getting vaccinated, knowing the human response would be, Hey, f*ck you, I’m never getting vaccinated!
The article was widely mocked over the weekend. (More on that soon.) So on Monday, Nolte pulled a popular Republican trick: He doubled down.
The organized left is deliberately putting unvaccinated Trump supporters in an impossible position where they can either NOT get a life-saving vaccine or CAN feel like cucks caving to the ugliest, smuggest bullies in the world.
In other words, I sincerely believe the organized left is doing everything in its power to convince Trump supporters NOT to get the life-saving Trump vaccine.
To his credit, Nolte did call what he referred to as the “Trump vaccine” a “miracle and a lifesaver” (while calling mask mandates “fascist” and calling COVID “the China Virus,” of course). That’s a pretty low bar, though. Besides, he failed to clear another: He didn’t outright tell his readers, many of whom are likely anti-vaxxers, to get vaxxed. “That’s your choice,” he wrote. “But I am telling you to find a better argument.”
When people who aren’t Breitbart readers learned that a Breitbart writer was blaming people who’ve been singing the praises of COVID vaccines for months for the deaths of those who would never listen to them — well, Breitbart became a social media laughingstock.
Breitbart is claiming that the months of begging/pleading w/people to get vaccinated is really a grand conspiracy to make Trump supporters NOT get vaccinated.
…
In other words, Breitbart thinks Trump followers aren’t self-aware enough to see through reverse-psychology 101. pic.twitter.com/E0UNRFdwzC
wow. Breitbart now says Dems are guilty of genocide by tricking Trumpers into believing that they can own the libs by not getting vaccinated. https://t.co/s1mT3gHfNM
Democrats: Get vaccinated. Republicans: Let’s make this a wedge issue. *republican voters start dying* Breitbart: Democrats don’t want you to get vaccinated. https://t.co/BER0lUbgXO
Breitbart is running a piece that says – I am not kidding – that the left is mocking the unvaxed so they’ll dig in and never get vaxed and die and shift political power to the left. This is so weird on so many levels that I am tempted to dive in on it, Inception style. https://t.co/DiFZ6ZAbnT
“When people urge you to take the vaccine, they are trying to trick you into not taking it, in order to kill you” is quite a creative argument, even for Breitbart.
So Breitbart is essentially arguing that “the left” is trying to convince Trump supporters *not* to get the vaccine by… telling them to get the vaccine? And that Trump supporters are refusing to get the vaccine to own the libs? Am I reading this insanity correctly? https://t.co/dO09GoqgxF
Some used the opportunity to once again beg people to get vaccinated.
Breitbart News is claiming that Democrats are using reverse psychology when they tell Republicans to get vaccinated so they will refuse and die of COVID-19.
Some a tack that was almost as far-fetched as Nolte’s argument: That telling people to get vaccinated to own the libs might just work.
That Breitbart column arguing the left is using reverse psychology to keep Trumpists from getting vaccinated for political gain is pretty close to my theory of a maximally effective message to get them to take the shots from a couple months ago. https://t.co/chOvA26G7ipic.twitter.com/oCqYaJ9T2D
As absurd as the Breitbart story is – the underlying message is that the far right is so programmable they will reject anything liberals do. And so help me god, they aren’t lying about that https://t.co/gA7smzCVlJ
Let us consider for a moment what one of Breitbart’s Big Thinkers is admitting 1. Vaccines work 2. Vax resistance is almost entirely partisan 3. Unvaxed people are dying in large numbers
All in all, it’s a depressing reminder of what the culture war has done to some people’s brains.
This Breitbart article is the best illustration of how absolutely fucked partisan politics is in America; that there is a sizable chunk of the population that is like “if they’re for it then I’m against it,” even if it makes no goddamn sense. https://t.co/UfMTwJkgiB
Week 1 of ESPN’s Monday Night Football megacast was, by all accounts, a smashing success with Peyton and Eli Manning co-hosting on ESPN2. From the banter between brothers to high-profile guests like Charles Barkley and Russell Wilson, the Manning brothers put on a show to entertain the masses, and they returned for a Week 2 edition to breakdown Lions-Packers on Sept. 20. Once again, it didn’t take long for fireworks, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski visited the broadcast in the second quarter.
While Gronkowski wasn’t exactly dialed in on the action in the way that Wilson may have been in the opener, he did provide high-end amusement. Gronkowski’s contributions were headlined by the revelation that he doesn’t exactly watch film, instead relying on long-time teammate Tom Brady to tell him what he needs to know.
“No, I don’t,” Gronkowski said when asked if he watches film. “I just run by guys. If I’m feeling good, I’m feeling good.”
Later in the answer, Gronkowski said that Brady watches “40 hours of film a week” and, though Gronkowski did note that he watches tape “when the team is showing it,” it seemed genuine that Brady holds the keys to the approach in that relationship. Along the way, Gronkowski leaned into his persona with effectiveness (including faulty internet), and while it may be likely that he’s playing it up for the broadcast, it was on-brand and another example of what this format can bring from an entertainment standpoint.
Since leaving office in January, former president Donald Trump has been angry with a lot of people. But one of them he hates more than most: Mitch McConnell, the Senate Minority Leader who lost his Majority position in part thanks to Trump. He’s been trashing him for the better part of 2021. But recently he’s been reportedly taking things next level.
According to The Wall Street Journal, Trump has been hitting the phones, reaching out to allies in an attempt to “depose” McConnell, who has been in the Senate since 1985 and been a Republican leader since 2007. Alas, so far there are reportedly no takers. Even Senator Tommy Tuberville, one of Trump’s closest confidants in Congress, reportedly said, “Naw, I’m not going to get in that fight.”
The rift between Trump and McConnell didn’t begin until the end of the former’s one term. Though he didn’t vote to convict Trump after his second impeachment, he did come out for him in strong terms over his role in the Jan. 6 Capitol riot.
“There’s no question, none, that President Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day. No question about it.” McConnell said shortly after the Senate acquitted Trump. “The people that stormed this building believed they were acting on the wishes and instructions of their president.”
Then again, by ordering Republican senators to acquit Trump, he ensured he could run again in 2024. And he still made an enemy. Since then, Trump has pelted him with verbal abuse, calling him “dour, sullen, and unsmiling,” declaring him “the most overrated man in politics,” and saying, “He doesn’t have what it takes, never did, and never will.” But for now, McConnell’s future is safe. For now.
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