Billie Eilish let fans know early on that her next era was going to be a departure from the sound that defined her debut album. Still, most people probably weren’t ready for her to make a jazzy album influenced by Frank Sinatra, Peggy Lee and Julie London. Happier Than Ever is a stunning left turn for the pop star, but proof that all she needs is herself when it comes to the music she wants to make. Today, she doubled down on her new era’s focus by actually covering a jazz classic in the style of London, heading over to BBC’s Radio 1 Lounge, where artist’s frequently give spins on other artists’s songs, and performed “I’m In The Mood For Love” accompanied only by Finneas on guitar.
Truly, anyone listening to the “Bad Guy” and “You Should See Me In A Crown” probably didn’t consider this was coming next. Then again, softer earlier songs like “When The Party’s Over” do point to the same tone and feeling of these tunes. If anything, Eilish is just proving her versatility early on, as our culture loves to put artists, particularly female ones, in a box as soon as possible. Check out the cover above.
The RX is Uproxx Music’s stamp of approval for the best albums, songs, and music stories throughout the year. Inclusion in this category is the highest distinction we can bestow, and signals the most important music being released throughout the year. The RX is the music you need, right now.
There’s simply not enough 7-string guitar on Draw Down The Moon. Maybe it’s the Woodstock ‘99 discourse talking, but that’s the main critique I have of Foxing’s audacious fourth album and they probably agree with me. It doesn’t take long for Eric Hudson’s favorite new toy to pop up, as opener “737” explodes like a punctured Surge can, the first time a song has ever inspired me to use “chamber pop” and “Linkin Park” in the same sentence.
The album only gets weirder from there. While Foxing would obviously prefer if Draw Down the Moon led to a widespread commercial and critical success that has mostly escaped them thus far, the trio seem oddly thrilled at the possibility of Draw Down The Moon being a complete flop. At that point, with nothing left to lose, they can finally go full nu-metal. “That’s the one that’s gonna do it for us,” drummer Jon Hellwig jokes. “We purposefully try to tank this thing and it’s gonna blow us up and then we’re fucking stuck.”
He’s joking but not really; Foxing is the most celebrated rock band St. Louis has produced since… Story Of The Year? Living Things? Gravity Kills? Still, Hellwig’s fellow line cooks barely acknowledged Foxing’s existence until they saw him dragging out an empty keg; he needed it to get the most accurate possible drum sound for their cover of Slipknot’s “Duality.” Hellwig showed them the video from their Patreon page and the response was immediate: “Fucking sick, I thought your band sucked but you guys are cool.”
This has been the most familiar beat in a Foxing profile of late — minimizing their many accomplishments over the past decade and trying to figure out how they can win over people who aren’t otherwise predisposed to liking a D&D-influenced, artsy post-emo band from the Midwest. A lot of it is admittedly due to the self-interest of artist advocacy; I know I would certainly feel less insane if more people actively championed Foxing’s 2018 album Nearer My God as one of the decade’s true, populist art-rock masterpieces, which it is. But Foxing’s following reminds me more of the online armies that emerge around cult TV shows, the ones that obsessively track Nielsen and Metacritic ratings because these quantifiable measurements play an enormous role in determining whether it actually survives.
Hudson’s Twitter tends to be a bellwether for Foxing’s internal mood on this front. Quite frequently, he’ll talk about the economic precarity that comes with being the guitarist in their scene’s one band that was stubborn and just successful enough to keep going (he prefers to call it “posting some cringe”). If the “emo revival” indeed channeled the spirit of emo’s second wave by exhuming the sounds of Cap’n Jazz and American Football, history repeated itself as the wave immediately after that one that broke big commercially: as in the early aughts, “emo” is more likely to mean “pop-punk” in 2021. Singer Conor Murphy reflects on what might have happened if scene leaders like Modern Baseball and Title Fight didn’t break up at the peak of their success: “If those bands make it, it gives credence to all of these other bands that were also adjacent,” he guesses. “They’re just gone because there was nowhere to go”; Brendan Lukens dropped out of the spotlight completely, Ned Russin attended Columbia University for creative writing and started a minimalist electro-rock project. Most notably, we’re probably not getting a fourth Hotelier album because Christian Holden found online poker to be more sustainable than a career in indie rock.
Foxing lose an average of one primary band member per album to more stable careers; bassist Josh Coll left the band in 2017 to attend NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. Guitarist Ricky Sampson learned to code and announced his departure in September 2020. I bring up a memorable, deleted tweet where Hudson wonders what numbers Draw Down The Moon would have to do for him to not just give up and get a “government job and a normie girlfriend.” The band ruminates on what might actually pass for a comfortable living — “I guess in the Midwest, maybe $47,000 with full benefits,” Hudson shrugs before negotiating against his own hypothetical: “I don’t think it’s unreasonable to make a minimum wage salary.” The question of what Foxing’s music is truly worth was put in sharp relief after they decided to offer Patreon subscriptions during 2020, a survival tactic in the pandemic that was still subject to the outmoded and self-defeating DIY philosophies that protest anything that gets a band paid because, you know, capitalism. “It’s so disrespectful from the fan point of view to knock something like that,” Murphy says. “You knocking these bands is just helping these giant commercial bands, by eliminating all of their small competition.”
At this point, it’s worth pointing out that Foxing is pretty fucking popular; not that it’s a perfect metric by any means, but their 375,000 monthly Spotify followers are triple that of, say, Iceage. While they still hold out hope for getting signed by 4AD or getting any kind of late-night appearances, Murphy admits, “Those bands might be looking at artists like us and thinking, ‘we’re critical darlings and we’re on Pitchfork Fest and stuff but people aren’t really coming to our shows in droves.” Hudson agrees that Foxing are in a rarefied place, an actual “middle class” band in an increasingly stratified business. Still, “I think the bar for being fortunate is so low. It’s really fucked up that I’m supposed to feel lucky for this.”
Foxing have addressed this issue with unusual candor and frequency throughout their existence. “Where The Lightning Strikes Twice” was technically the third single released from Draw Down The Moon and the one that accompanied the record’s actual announcement: the band imagined it as their take on Queen’s star-spangled prog-pop, though I can also hear the Reno to The Killers’ Las Vegas. “With everything we gave it / It’s hard not to be devastated” Murphy sings over a galloping, indie-disco beat, a metacommentary on the Sisyphean nature of being a middle-class band, one that generates just enough success to make a day job impossible but never provides any real stability. “I twisted both my ankles on a rain dance / Here on the hill I wanna die on.”
Unrequited affection presented itself more blatantly on “The Medic” and “Rory,” Foxing’s most popular songs and the tentpoles for their 2013 debut The Albatross. That album is full of convulsive and ornate emo that rendered its title all too literal in the ensuing years. “I asked my 15 year old brother what his favorite Foxing album is. He told me he didn’t know any of them besides ‘the one with the dogs on it,” Hudson tweeted; whether or not this is true, the joke is in how it’s a pretty common opinion. Emo diehards and, infamously, Anthony Fantano rejected 2015’s Dealer, a muted, gorgeous record stocked with lyrics covering Catholic guilt and former member Coll’s military experience in Afghanistan but very little guitar tapping or Murphy screaming “SO WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK.” Even beyond the potentially crippling financial and physical setbacks they experienced on the road — getting $30,000 worth of gear stolen, a catastrophic van incident, Murphy getting his nose broken before an Audiotree session — the reverent reputation surrounding Foxing’s powerful live show ended up turning into a backhanded compliment: “why don’t you sound like that on your albums?”
These frustrations culminated in the title track of Nearer My God, an album otherwise magnetically tuned into 2018’s zeitgeist of post-Blonde sonics and political doomsaying. “Does anybody want me at all?,” Murphy belts on an actual arena-rock song that was destined for the scrap heap until producer Chris Walla talked them out of it. He immediately heard the resonance in the song’s message, an artist hitting a crisis of confidence, wishing they could sell out if anyone was buying. While Nearer My God inspired occasionally feverish reviews and crashed a handful of year-end lists, none of it felt commensurate with its accomplishments. Foxing overtly aspired to make a classic, something that could hang with Radiohead, TV On The Radio, Wolf Parade, and the other “Pitchfork cred bands” they loved in their teens. Not coincidentally, I found the most receptive audience were my 30-something friends who used to write for music blogs in college, but it wasn’t one they attracted en masse.
From that angle, Draw Down The Moon can appear to be Foxing’s answer to Future Islands’ Singles or Bleed American or Manchester Orchestra’s A Black Mile To The Surface, recent examples of perpetual underdogs betting on the most direct version of themselves. It’s easily the most streamlined Foxing album to date, using “Nearer My God,” the convoluted trance-pop of “Heartbeats,” and Murphy’s underappreciated Smidley album as starting points for songs that favor immediacy and repetition. Simple doesn’t come naturally to Foxing; Murphy proudly states that their manager sees them as “a band that confidently goes against better judgment on everything that they do,” and a brain trust of Big Indie megaproducer John Congleton and Manchester Orchestra’s Andy Hull helped them hone their most unruly ideas into compact pop songs.
Fans who completed the third “ritual” in Draw Down The Moon’s vast and complex multimedia rollout got to hear an 8-bit rendering of “Go Down Together,” which isn’t that far off from the original version that Murphy submitted to the band. In his new role as in-house producer, Hudson rejected the “Game Boy music” synths and tweaked them into something more sleek and modern. He got as good as he gave; Hudson’s original composition of “Bialystok” was a “drawn-out trance-house song that meandered a lot and didn’t make a ton of sense,” before Hull helped the band shape it into a bona fide glowstick-waver. Before “Speak With The Dead” became Draw Down The Moon’s Lazer Floyd closer, Murphy envisioned a solo organ/vocal piece as an homage to Hans Zimmer’s Interstellar soundtrack.
The lyric writing process was newly collaborative as well. When Murphy first brought “Beacons” to the band, it was a cautionary tale of ambition inspired by The Prince and John Franzese, Jr., the son of a mafia boss. “I was like this is the best thing I’ve ever fucking written,” Murphy jokes before Hudson asked him to reconsider, in his typically brusque manner. “Dude, I don’t read. I wanna know what you’re talking about.” The version you hear now is an ecstatic discovery of sexuality after years of being bludgeoned by the Catholic church.
It all superficially appears to be a textbook approach to making an indie-pop crossover record: put the hooks to the front, emphasize a newly positive outlook on life, play up the Carly Rae Jepsen influence. And yet, I’d call Draw Down The Moon the most polarizing pivot to pop I can think of in recent memory. The album confirms what the singles promised, that Foxing go headlong into an era of hypercaffeinated, day-glow major-label indie rock that began with MGMT, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, and Passion Pit and served as a gateway towards proper indie, or at least the soundtrack to drunken, youthful indiscretions. Hellwig remembers the “Young Party Jon” of 2009, the guy who spent his early 20s listening to Young Money singles, guzzling Sparks with a “Lemmy chops-to-mustache thing going on.” The trio laugh hysterically upon recalling his “Lil Sleepy” alter ego. “I was a fucking mess dude,” Hellwig monotones.
Hudson and Murphy also admit they weren’t finished products at the time; the duo has known each other since the age of 12, bonding over memorably awful MySpace bands like Kill Hannah before older siblings put them onto Explosions In The Sky, Radiohead, and Anathallo. They’re the target audience for Just Like Heaven festival, guys shaped by the rise of late aughts indie and not-so-secretly longing for a time when tastes shifted entirely on the whims of Panda Bear and Bradford Cox. It’s a tricky form of nostalgia; without fail, you could get 10,000 RTs for saying something like “lolz, blogs tricked us into liking Animal Collective,” suggesting that bands of that ilk were hyped up at the expense of the actual pop acts.“‘My Girls’ was a hit but compared to an actual hit,” Murphy trails off, resigned to the present day where bands like Foxing feel like they’re directly competing with the biggest artists on the planet for resources.
Also, “indie” would eventually become the new alt-rock, “My Girls” and “Stillness Is The Move” and “Sleepyhead” and “1901” opening the door for a bunch of critical whipping boys that still feel like shorthand for entire swaths of festival-friendly, sync-ready, Spotify playlist stuffers loathed by tastemakers if they’re acknowledged at all. The reaction to “Draw Down The Moon” and “Go Down Together” has typically been something along the lines of “this kinda sounds like KROQ music,” and the real question is whether that’s supposed to be a good thing. I think about the times I’ve heard Phillip Phillips’ “Home” in Sprouts and thought, “kind of a banger,” before Googling the lyrics and realizing it’s Phillip Phillips and questioning my own taste. The same thing when I’ve found myself intrigued by “Alligator” or “Visitor” over the gym PA and then discovering, “wait, that’s what Of Monsters And Men sound like?” Or when I somehow catch myself yelling “Hang Me Out To Dry” in the shower despite not having voluntarily listened to that song in over a decade.
These songs aren’t too far off from “Bialystok” or the howl-at-the-moon power ballad “Cold Blooded,” which I could easily hear belting from a distant festival soundsystem or a supermarket or a period film set in 2011. All of which raises an existential quandary: do I love these songs solely because Foxing made them? And does this mean myself and many others were unduly critical of, say, Foster The People or Cold War Kids or Grouplove because they didn’t come from the emo revival?
Maybe a little of both or neither at all; at no point during Draw Down The Moon is there a question of who I’m listening to. Murphy’s voice remains as unhinged and expressive as ever; I’m starting to see Passion Pit brought up more frequently as a comparative point for newer bands, and what I never get is the same sense of desperation and panic that went into Michael Angelakos’ best work. “Beacons” sounds like Passion Pit but it also sounds like Foxing landing a tailspinning plane while the controls malfunction. “Go Down Together” could soundtrack an iPod commercial or a late-night crisis about your student loans becoming due again. Hudson’s first full-on production job is raw and unorthodox; the final choruses of “Draw Down The Moon” and “Cold Blooded” hit with the impact of hardcore, appropriate since he took pointers from Kurt Ballou YouTubes.
Still, Draw Down The Moon sometimes feels both 10 years behind and ahead of its time. While we have enough distance from Sublime and Limp Bizkit to reassess their merit, Foxing anticipate a future where Foster The People, Cold War Kids, and Portugal. The Man are reclaimed the same way Goo Goo Dolls, Gin Blossoms, and Third Eye Blind are now deemed staple influences of indie rock. To that point, their manager Joseph Marro tweeted that if Draw Down The Moon had been released in 2012, “I’d be fucking rich.”
The irony is not lost on Foxing; Marro was previously in The Early November and Hellogoodbye, bands that thrived in a pre-streaming era without having to court the kind of press coverage or festival circuit on which Foxing feel dependent. “It’s so depressing when he talks to us about how easy it was with bands getting bought up so quickly,” Murphy sighs before clarifying that it was easy for some bands. “There are these very accessible parts of the industry where tons of money is getting thrown out and they’re making fuckloads of money off CDs, bands are on TV, MTV is…” and Hellwig chimes in, “music television.”
Hudson claims their label pitched the idea of them doing a TikTok dance for “Go Down Together,” which went about as well as you’d think. “I don’t really feel like being the embodiment of Steve Buscemi, how do you do fellow kids,” Hudson laughs. The fickle and irreplicable nature of virality was best demonstrated on the day Foxing dropped the title track from Draw Down The Moon. Hours after the song went live, Hudson basically tweeted the credo of Remember Some Guys – “Dudes can literally just sit around and name old sports players and just have the best time.” It went extremely viral and Hudson didn’t really seem to know what to do with it. As Keegan Bradford of the very online emo-pop 4.0 band Camp Trash pointed out, “you had the perfect opportunity to plug your band’s new album that is literally just about to come out and you plugged… Jeff Bagwell.” Hudson meekly mentioned Foxing thereafter and received a modest 700 likes. “Draw Down The Moon” has about 151,000 plays on Spotify. The tweet has about 313,000 likes.
But as they’d prefer to look at it these days, 151,000 people have listened to their song. “Early on, critics like yourself or fans of ours or especially management people would always do this thing where they’d say, ‘I can’t believe I’m seeing you guys in a basement right now because you guys are gonna be an arena band,’” Murphy says. “It really did us a disservice because everything was a failure when we’re always looking at it in the context of how successful we should be.” As Murphy looks back on the collateral damage of making this record — the emotional toll of working and clashing with his bandmates remotely, the lost income and moral dilemmas of creating Patreon content, the exhaustion of a five-month rollout — he’s come to accept that his perception of Foxing’s status is much easier to change than the status itself. On a recent episode of the First Ever Podcast with Touche Amore’s Jeremy Bolm, Murphy recalls the reception his band received at the Masquerade in Atlanta; two years earlier, I saw them in the same venue with the similarly hexed Balance And Composure, they played a ferocious show beset by countless technical difficulties. In that moment, he came to realize that — he says this quite literally — Foxing was at a level of success that Nirvana might’ve preferred. The title of that episode: “It’s Okay if this is as Good as it Gets.”
Draw Down The Moon is out August 6. Pre-order it here.
Donald Trump is even more shameless than the band Kiss when it comes to slapping his name on overpriced merchandise, including Trump hats, Trump steaks, Trump board games, Trump ice-cube trays, and the “Women for Trump” bundle. The former-president has found a new hustle to empty the wallets of his biggest fans: Trump Cards.
On Wednesday, the Trump campaign sent two emails “asking supporters to get on board with carrying the red and gold cards, which look like credit cards and bear the former president’s signature,” according to Insider. The first message reads, “The card you select will be carried by Patriots all around the Country. They will be a sign of your dedicated support to our movement to SAVE AMERICA, and I’m putting my full trust in you.” A follow-up email, sent hours later, added, “We’re about to launch our Official Trump Cards, which will be reserved for President Trump’s STRONGEST supporters.”
It continued:
“We recently met with the President in his Florida office and showed him four designs. Originally we were planning on releasing just one design, but when President Trump saw the cards on his desk, he said, ‘These are BEAUTIFUL. We should let the American People decide – they ALWAYS know best!’”
If you’re wondering, “What does an Official Trump Card do?” that’s an excellent question — one that neither email answers. It’s probably an own-the-libs version of a vaccination card with one major difference: a vaccination card shows others that you’re largely protected from a deadly virus; a Trump card only proves that you got scammed. If a recipient of the email clicked on the image of the cards, they were directed to a donation page, where they’ll be “asked to contribute at least $50 to the political action committee.”
One of the four cards, in particular, is catching people’s eyes.
My Grandfather showed me some stuff he brought back from WWII that looked just like this Third Reich reject Trump Card. pic.twitter.com/E4zq9FsR1u
— Tomi Ahonen Carries The Moron Level Trump Card (@tomiahonen) August 5, 2021
The latest twump trinket reserved exclusively for his biggest suckers…I mean, donors. This third reich inspired piece of junk will make you the rave among white supremacists everywhere. “The Trump Card” get yours today. Aaahh, HA, HA, HA, HA. pic.twitter.com/ETAwJ4n4Mk
Trump’s new card, which of course he’s selling to his supporters to continue the grift, has a very Nazi like Third Reich feel. Very on brand for Trump. pic.twitter.com/dpsJZek8Zk
If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching Daniel Radcliffe’s TBS anthology series, Miracle Workers (co-starring Steve Buscemi), then it’s high time to catch up. Hulu’s got a few seasons available for streaming, and that includes the current (third) adventure, Oregon Trail. This year, the series goes back to 1844, and Radcliffe plays an idealistic good preacher named Ezekiel, who must join forces with a wanted outlaw (Steve Buscemi, who played the beer-guzzling God in a previous season) as they set off on the eponymous trail by wagon. Along the way, they encounter hipster pioneers and take on toxic masculinity while, like, pausing for buffalo hunting. This show is off-the-rails, free-wheeling, and well, kind-of crackers.
This week’s episode is making the social media rounds for one outstanding reason: Radcliffe (and Ezekiel) dances for his audience. Oh, it’s not that simple, though. He’s doing a full-on assless chaps routine to a discotechque version of “She’ll Be Coming Around The Mountain.” Eat your heart out, Channing Tatum and Tim Curry.
In all its glory: The Good Reverend coming around the mountain! Show us your moves and dancing Zeke fan art! Tag @miracletbs & #danieldance!
— Miracle Workers: Oregon Trail (@miracletbs) August 4, 2021
Who’s responsible for this display? Let me revise that sentiment: who do we have to thank for this glorious, butt-shaking performance? Writer Kelly Lynne D’Angelo has stepped up to claim that pitch.
yes, this was my pitch.
yes, it made it into the episode.
yes, it is daniel radcliffe in assless chaps singing a discotechque remix of “she’ll be coming around the mountain”
Kelly’s truly doing god’s work here, judging from the reactions on social media. Radcliffe’s consistently proven that he’s much more than Harry Potter, and he’s harnessed the freedom afforded by mainstream success to go do what he really wants to do, which is off-the-rails, unexpected, and never feels forced in an effort to be “edgy.” Well, people love the “f*ck it, I can do whatever weird & wonderful roles I want” vibe.
Daniel Radcliffe has starred in three seasons of a TBS anthology series called Miracle Workers (who knew?!)
In the newest season — set on the Oregon Trail in the 1800s — he plays Reverend Ezekiel Brown and this happens… pic.twitter.com/aKoAbpTrmF
actors like daniel radcliffe and robert pattinson who take the success they got from their mainstream+”career-defining” roles and use it to do OFF-THE-RAILS shit like this is both hilarious and inspiring https://t.co/3l4cytrwmL
Daniel Radcliffe really has just gone for ‘fuck it, I can do whatever weird & wonderful roles I want’ as an adult and I love that for him! https://t.co/ZntQpkQAeb
I like that Daniel Radcliffe’s career at this point is just an absolute fever dream. You never know what’s going to happen next https://t.co/Yjm2xCtILb
Even though the streaming wars are heating up and every studio/network seems to be building their own platform, Netflix still has, arguably, the best movie library of them all. They’re getting better at categorizing them too, but when you have a film library that big, it’s hard to make sure all of the worthwhile titles get seen. That’s where we come in. Let this must-watch list be your guide to the overcrowded streaming landscape and an end to the mindless scrolling through Netflix’s movie catalog. There’s something for everyone here and it’s all good.
Priyanka Chopra stars in this crime drama based on a NY Times bestselling book. Adarsh Gourav plays Balram, an academically gifted young man hailing from one of the lowest castes in Indian society. He longs to break free of the poverty and systemic oppression that prevent him from going to school and bettering his station, so he becomes a driver for a very wealthy family. Chopra plays the wife of Balram’s employer and over the course of the film, their lives become intertwined in extreme ways as Balram does whatever he must in order to rise through the ranks and earn a better life.
This dramatic interpretation of August Wilson’s iconic play is already garnering considerable awards buzz. That’s mainly due to Viola Davis, who turns in a stunning performance as the legendary Blues singer, and the late Chadwick Boseman, who plays a frustrated young Jazz musician whose ambition disrupts a fateful recording session.
David Fincher directs a who’s-who for this biographical drama centering on screenwriter Herman J. Mankiewicz during the time he was crafting the script for Citizen Kane. Gary Oldman plays Mank, a singular kind of man engaging in emotional affairs with Hollywood actresses (played by Amanda Seyfried) and on-set feuds with directors like Orson Welles, and we watch as work on perhaps his greatest project slowly upends his personal life.
Leonard DiCaprio, Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, and Alec Baldwin star in this crime thriller from Martin Scorsese about an undercover cop and a mole in the police department who attempt to identify each other while infiltrating an Irish gang in Boston. DiCaprio plays the good guy (or as close as) with Billy, a disturbed officer playing the part of a criminal to get close to Nicholson’s kingpin, Frank. Damon plays the rat, Sullivan, who serves as a police officer on the force, but really works for Frank. The two unknowingly thwart each other at every turn, playing a thrilling game of cat and mouse before their secrets eventually come out.
Daniel Day-Lewis stars in this gritty, Oscar-winning drama from Paul Thomas Anderson playing a turn-of-the-century prospector, who risks his faith and his family for oil. Daniel Plainview is a shrewd, callous businessman who adopts the orphaned son of a dead employee to make himself look more appealing to investors. When he hits oil in California, he wages a war with a local preacher and his family who stand in the way of Daniel’s progress. Violence and yes, plenty of blood, follow.
Chris Evans stars in this sci-fi thriller from auteur Bong Joon-ho. The film, set years into the future following a devastating ice age caused by mankind, follows Evans’ Curtis who lives in poverty on a train that continuously circles the Earth and contains all that remains of human life. Curtis is part of the “scum” that the people relegated to the back of the train while the “elite” enjoy the privilege of wealth and status that comes with living in the front. Curtis sparks a rebellion that ends in bloodshed and a devastating reveal when he makes it to the train’s engine room and discovers just how the elite have been fueling their operation. It’s a dark, grimy action piece that should give fans a new appreciation for Evans’ talent.
Clint Eastwood directs and stars in this sports drama that catapulted Hillary Swank into the ranks of Oscar-worthy echelon. Swank plays Maggie Fitzgerald, a woman determined to dominate inside the ring. To do that, she needs to put in hard work and find herself a hardened coach who believes in her. Enter Eastwood. The two have a combative, emotionally heavy relationship that only gets more complicated as Maggie begins taking on dangerous fights.
Martin Scorsese delivers another cinematic triumph, this time for Netflix and with the help of some familiar faces. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino team up (again) for this crime drama based on actual events. De Niro plays Frank Sheeran a World War II vet who finds work as a hitman for the mob. Pacino plays notorious Teamster Jimmy Hoffa, a man who frequently found himself on the wrong side of the law and the criminals he worked with. The film charts the pair’s partnership over the years while injecting some historical milestones for context. It’s heavy and impressively cast and everything you’d expect a Scorsese passion-project to be.
Martin Scorsese delivers another cinematic triumph, this time for Netflix and with the help of some familiar faces. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino team up (again) for this crime drama based on actual events. De Niro plays Frank Sheeran a World War II vet who finds work as a hitman for the mob. Pacino plays notorious Teamster Jimmy Hoffa, a man who frequently found himself on the wrong side of the law and the criminals he worked with. The film charts the pair’s partnership over the years while injecting some historical milestones for context. It’s heavy and impressively cast and everything you’d expect a Scorsese passion-project to be.
Oscar-winning writer/director Alfonso Cuaron delivers what may be his most personal film to date. The stunningly-shot black-and-white film is an ode to Cuaron’s childhood and a love letter to the women who raised him. Following the journey of a domestic worker in Mexico City named Cleo, the movie interweaves tales of personal tragedy and triumph amidst a backdrop of political upheaval and unrest.
Casino Royale marks Daniel Craig’s first James Bond entry, but he plays the suave MI6 agent like he’s been doing it for decades. The film gives fans of the spy franchise a soft reset, as we’re introduced to the new Bond when he sets off on his first mission as 007. Bond’s tasked with catching a private banker funding terrorist operations by beating him in a high-stakes game of poker in Montenegro, and he’s joined by Vesper Lynd (a terrific Eva Green), an MI6 accountant with a secret that threatens to derail the mission and may cost Bond his life.
An Oscar-winning Adrien Brody leads this World War II drama based on a true story about a Polish-Jewish pianist forced to survive during Nazi occupation. Władysław Szpilman, a talented musician, finds himself in Warsaw during the height of WWII where he helps to lead an uprising in a Jewish ghetto before being forced to flee for his life from German soldiers. Brody went full method for the role, losing a dangerous amount of weight to play a tormented, tortured Szpilman, so you kind of owe it to the guy to watch this one.
Guillermo Del Toro’s fantasy war epic focuses on a young girl named Ofelia, who grows up during a time of political unrest in her native Spain after a brutal Civil War ravages the country. Ofelia escapes the horrors committed by her stepfather when she accepts a challenge from a magical fairy, who believes her to be the reincarnation of Moanna, the princess of the underworld. If she completes three tasks, she’ll achieve immortality. The film is a play on folklore and fables from Del Toro’s youth, but there’s an undercurrent based in reality — the real cost of war — that grounds this film and makes it even more compelling.
Amy Adams turns in a haunting performance as a woman being, well, haunted by her ex-husband. More specifically, by her ex-husband’s novel, a violent thriller she assumes is some kind of threat or tale of revenge. As Adams’ Susan reads the novel — which plays out as a kind of separate film — she reminisces on her relationship with her ex-husband (played by Jake Gyllenhaal) and her current relationship with her cheating spouse (Armie Hammer). It’s a beautifully-shot neo-noir that feels like the most dangerous break-up drama you’ll ever see.
It’s hard not to watch this Aaron Sorkin-penned, David Fincher-directed masterpiece and have your viewing experience colored by Facebook, and founder Mark Zuckerberg’s, many political misdealings. Jesse Eisenberg plays the boy genius, an outcast whose brainchild is the product of a bad breakup and sexism. He partners with Andrew Garfield’s business-minded Eduardo Saverin and the two create the famous social networking site before Zuckerberg outs his friend and alienates himself. The story isn’t new, but watching it play out is still thrilling, mostly because Eisenberg is just so damn good at being a dick.
Jonah Hill and Michael Cera play a couple of best friends in search of a good time in this raunchy high school comedy from pals Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. Seth (Hill) and Evan (Cera) hope to close out their senior year by getting wasted and getting laid with a blow-out to end all blow-outs. Their mission to get booze for the party, impress their crushes, and have a memorable night is derailed rather quickly thanks to fake IDs, a couple of incompetent cops, bar fights, and their own bickering. It’s a gross, over-the-top, and surprisingly poignant look at friendship and what happens when we outgrow people.
Aaron Sorkin’s star-studded courtroom drama is finally here, and besides carrying some serious Oscar buzz, it’s also delivering a handful of ridiculously good performances from its impressive cast. That cast includes everyone from Succession’s Jeremy Strong to Sacha Baron Cohen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Keaton, Eddie Redmayne, and Watchmen breakout Yahya Abdul-Mateen II. The film follows the true story of a group of anti-Vietnam war protesters charged with conspiracy counts and inciting riots during a demonstration at the 1968 Democratic Convention. We heard that Strong asked Sorkin to tear-gas him for this thing so, yeah, it should be an intense watch.
Michael B. Jordan carries this powerful drama from Ryan Coogler. The film marks Coogler’s debut and covers the true story of Oscar Grant III, a Bay-Area resident who was killed in 2009 by BART police officer Johannes Mehserle at the Fruitvale district station of the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) system in Oakland. Rather than focusing solely on the tragedy, Coogler weaves a compelling story of a young man who wrestled with his past and had hope for his future just before his life was taken from him.
Reese Witherspoon is a certified icon, and she owes at least some of her popularity to this film about a privileged young woman who defies the odds in order to chase her unavailable ex-boyfriend. Witherspoon plays Elle Woods, a bubbly, air-headed blonde sorority girl who gets into Harvard (what, like it’s hard?) in order to impress a guy who dumped her. She ends up surprising herself, though, when she reaches the top of her class and is given the chance to serve on a high-profile case by her slimy professor and his well-meaning T.A. (Luke Wilson). Sure, this movie’s been quoted and meme-d twice over, but there’s no way you won’t have fun watching Witherspoon mine as much humor as she can from her dumb-blonde routine.
This gritty crime drama hailing from the Safdie brothers transforms star Robert Pattinson into a bleach-blonde sh*t-stirrer from Queens who’s desperate to break his developmentally disabled brother out of prison. Pattinson plays Connie, a street hustler and bank robber with grand plans to break out of his urban hood while Benny Safdie plays his brother Nick, who gets roped into his schemes. When Nick is sent to Rikers Island for a job gone wrong, Connie goes on a downward spiral to get him back. Pattinson’s manic energy carries this thing, and there’s plenty of police run-ins, shootouts, and heists (however botched) to keep the adrenaline pumping.
Faye Dunaway and Jack Nicholson star in this neo-noir about a private investigator who becomes entangled in a government scheme. Nicholson plays Jake Gittes, a P.I. hired by Evelyn Malwray (Dunaway) to follow her husband and report on his dealings. It turns out, Mr. Malwray was at the center of a government cover-up as the local water authority was trying to run people off their land by drying up their water source. There’s a lot going on here — corruption, a twisted family secret, romance, and plenty of violence — but watching Nicholson confusedly sort through it all is most of the fun.
Edgar Wright’s 2010 action comedy about a hapless boy, who must defeat evil ex-boyfriends in order to win the hand of the girl he loves, is a fast-paced ride that bombards the senses. Michael Cera plays a loveable goof in the titular hero, a young man enamored with a woman named Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). In order to be with his lady love, Scott must fight her evil exes (six guys, one girl), who challenge him to truly strange contests. The film is a cinematic mash-up of Japanese anime and gamer culture, intended for the crowd who grew up on Nintendo and comic books, but it brings plenty of laughs all the same.
Greta Gerwig’s love letter to her hometown of Sacramento, California follows Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf as they navigate the often-frustrating relationship between mother and daughter. Ronan plays “Ladybird,” a young woman attending Catholic school who longs for the culture and change of scenery that New York City promises. Her mother, Metcalf, is overbearing and overprotective, and the family’s lack of money and social standing contributes to a rift between the two. Some hard truths are explored in this film, but watching Ronan manage teenage angst, first love, and everything in between will give you all kinds of nostalgia.
Charlie Kaufman’s latest film is based on a book of the same name and stars Chernobyl’s Jessie Buckley as a young woman meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, which normally would be a happy event except she’s secretly been planning to break up the with the guy. That guy is Jesse Plemons, who seems to be in everything these days, and along with Toni Collette and David Thewlis who play his parents, they make for hellish dinner mates. There’s a sinister vibe permeating everything about this straightforward plot so if you think you know how this ends, let us be the first to tell you: You don’t have a clue.
Noah Baumbach’s star-studded divorce drama is pure Oscar bait, but in the best way. The film takes a look at messy breakups with Scarlett Johansson playing an actress and mother named Nicole, who is intent on separating from her stage director husband Charlie (Adam Driver). Laura Dern and Ray Liotta play their hard-hitting lawyers, who don’t help in diffusing the tension and resentment building between the pair when Nicole moves herself and their son across the country. It’s an intimate look at the emotional wreckage of a divorce and the struggle to put a family back together again, and it’s carried by some brilliant performances by Driver and Johansson.
This adventurous mindf*ck starring Adam Sandler finally landed on Netflix, and our only advice before watching this criminally-good romp is this: prepare yourself for a wild, over-the-top ride. Sandler gives one of his best performances, and the Safdie Brothers prove they’ve got a knack for crafting thrillers textured with grit and a realness that just can’t be beaten.
This time-hopping drama set in the backwoods of West Virginia is basically an excuse for director Antonio Campos to assemble his own Avengers-style squad of Hollywood A-listers. Seriously, everyone’s in this thing — Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson, Bill Skarsgård, Eliza Scanlen, Sebastian Stan, Mia Wasikowska, Riley Keough, Jason Clarke, Haley Bennett, that kid who played Dudley in the Harry Potter franchise. The whole gang’s living in shacks and picking up hitchhikers only to murder them later and speaking in tongues and falling victim to generational trauma. It’s a heavy watch, and there’s not really a happy ending, but boy does Pattinson deliver a batsh*t crazy turn as a perverted preacher.
Your love or hate of this film will squarely fall on who you feel about the film’s lead (real-life) character, Chris McCandless. On the one hand, McCandless struck out on an adventure to eschew the doldrums of modern life in the Alaskan wilderness. On the other hand, his woeful underestimation of the wilds and unpreparedness is maddening and cost him his life. Still, the kid gets a lot of points for at least trying when so many don’t.
Before he was bringing The Mandalorian to Disney+ and helming Marvel movies, Jon Favreau wrote, directed, and starred in this foodie gem about an overworked chef who upends his life to rediscover his passion. Favreau plays Carl Casper, a head chef at a high-end eatery who, fed up with his life, decides to quit and buy a food truck in order to get back to his neighborhood roots. Come for the food porn, stay for Favreau, who’s just as good an actor as he is a director.
This beautifully animated French fantasy film follows the story of a young man named Naoufel, or rather, his hand which has been severed from his body and spends most of the film escaping labs and trying to get back to its owner. The film flits between the past and present, watching Naoufel’s life unfold from a young orphan to an accidental carpenter’s apprentice — which is how he lost his appendage — all while exploring themes of love, loss, and destiny.
Any Spike Lee joint is worth a watch, but this genre-bending thriller about a group of black Vietnam War vets returning to the battlefield decades later feels especially timely. That’s because Lee manages to shed light on a little-known part of our shared history: the way our country treated Black soldiers returning from the war, but he also raises the stakes with a subplot that includes a buried treasure hunt and a heartwrenching mission to retrieve the remains of a fallen comrade. The cast, which includes Black Panther’s Chadwick Boseman, is brilliant, the story is gripping, and you’ll probably be seeing more talk of it come awards season, so go ahead and watch it now.
DiCaprio and Scorsese team up again, this time for a dramatic thriller that feels different from their normal fare but still just as intense. DiCaprio plays a detective drawn to a mysterious island that houses a psychiatric facility for the criminally insane. He’s investigating the case of an escaped convict, but a conveniently-timed storm, a hostile staff, and some strange happenings lead him down a rather dark and dangerous rabbit hole. There’s a twist ending here worthy of its build-up, and DiCaprio shares the screen with some notable talents including Mark Ruffalo, Michelle Williams, Sir Ben Kingsley, and Emily Mortimer.
Jake Gyllenhaal stars in this truly bonkers crime thriller from Dan Gilroy about a con-man who muscles his way into L.A.’s crime journalism scene and very quickly becomes the star of his own reporting. Lou Bloom (Gyllenhaal) is a petty thief who stumbles his way into the stringer profession — photojournalists who chase crime scenes to sell the footage to local TV stations. As Lou begins to record more exciting crimes, demand for his work grows and he starts staging scenes, obstructing police investigations, and inserting himself in high-speed chases to get the best shot. It’s a twisted, depressing look at the ethics of journalism and the consequences of consumerism, and Gyllenhaal has never been better.
Netflix spent much of 2017 trying to establish itself as an alternative to movie theaters as a place to find quality new films. The results were mostly strong, and none stronger than Mudbound, Dee Rees’ story of two families — one white and one black — sharing the same Mississippi land in the years before and after World War II. Rees combines stunning images, compelling storytelling, and the work of a fine cast (that includes Jason Mitchell, Carey Mulligan, Garett Hedlund, Jason Clarke, and Mary J. Blige) to unspool a complex tale about the forces the connect black and white Americans and the slow-to-die injustices that keep them apart.
Sean Penn, Kevin Bacon, and Tim Robbins star in this heartbreaking drama about a group of high school friends whose lives are shattered following a terrible family tragedy. The men have reunited after years apart after the daughter of one, Jimmy (Penn) is murdered and another member of the group, Dave (Robbins) is suspected of the killing. Sean (Bacon) is a detective investigating the case as the story takes unpredictable, often frustrating twists and turns before revealing the truth of what happened.
This documentary, narrated by Samuel L. Jackson, is based on the unfinished manuscript, Remember this House, by James Baldwin. The author and civil rights activist recounts the history of racism in the United States through personal observations and his relationships with friends and leaders like Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. It’s a beautifully-shot, sobering reminder of how far we have yet to go when it comes to equality.
Writer/director Trey Edward Shults followed up his unnerving family portrait in 2015’s Krisha with a look at another family under the most desperate of circumstances. After an unknown illness has wiped out most of civilization, a number of threats — both seen and unseen — come for a family held up in their home out in the wilderness. It’s a subtle, dream-like tale that stars Joel Edgerton and Christopher Abbot as two patriarchs intent on keeping their families safe, no matter the cost.
The ’90s gave us some iconic characters, but Jeff Bridges as “The Dude” has to rank high on everyone’s list of beloved stoner types. Bridge’s bowling fanatic and overall slob’s mellow is seriously harshed when he becomes the victim of a case of mistaken identity and must recruit his bowling buddies (Steve Buscemi and John Goodman) to help him navigate kidnappings and cover-ups and the hangovers caused by too many White Russians.
Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise star in this drama about a playboy conman and his autistic savant brother. Cruise plays Charlie, the rich kid who discovers his dad left him nothing following his death. When he meets Ray, the brother he never knew he had (Hoffman), the two embark on a cross-country road trip to save Charlie’s car import business and rediscover their connection. Cruise is his usual charming self, but Hoffman gives a brilliant turn as a misunderstood genius with quirks that make him endearing, even if they contribute to his otherness and isolation from his family.
Michael Shannon, Joel Edgerton, and Adam Driver star in this thrillingly dark road trip flick from director Jeff Nichols. The story follows a father (Shannon) and his young, gifted son, who are on the run from the Feds and a religious cult after both groups learn of the boy’s special abilities. The sci-fi here is played more for mystery — we’re never quite sure what the boy can do, but it’s dangerously big — big enough to have Driver’s government investigator spooked. Shannon is terrific as a father scrambling to do right by his kid, and Edgerton is sturdy as the friend/hired gun who transports them where they need to go.
Idris Elba and Stranger Things star Caleb McLaughlin lead the cast of this drama that explores everything from fatherhood to coming-of-age storylines to racial tension in America. McLaughlin plays a rebellious teen who’s sent to live with his estranged father (Elba) for the summer and ends up immersing himself in a tight-knit Philadelphia community of Black cowboys.
Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce play off each other in this fictionalized comedy about two of the most powerful men in the Catholic Church. Hopkins plays Pope Benedict XVI near the end of his tenure as he struggles with the disillusionment of his role and his faith. Pryce plays Cardinal Bergoglio (who would later become Pope Francis) who’s also going through a crisis of faith and wishes to leave his post. What follows is two hours of two of the greatest actors paling around with each other, delivering some laughs as they get deep about the philosophical leanings of these two great men.
Willem Dafoe lends his name to this little indie that generated plenty of buzz during awards season just a few years ago. It follows the story of six-year-old Moonee (Brooklynn Prince) who lives with her mother in a run-down motel near Walt Disney World. Moonee, along with a couple of kids also living at the motel, gets into all sorts of mischief while her mom works first as an exotic dancer, then resorts to prostitution when things get rough. Poor and neglected, Moonee still finds joy in her unforgiving environment and though things end on a bittersweet note, this feels like one of the more hopeful movies on this list.
Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams take on the planet’s most-watched singing competition with this campy comedy about an Icelandic duo named Fire Saga, who are set on achieving glory on the world’s biggest stage. Ferrell and McAdams play Lars Erickssong and Sigrit Ericksdottir, artists chosen to represent their nation in the Eurovision Song Contest, a real competition that features musicians from all over the world, who are often performing in wild get-ups. Dan Stevens almost steals the show while Pierce Brosnan and Demi Lovato make appearances. We’re calling it now: “Volcano Man” is going to be a bop for the ages.
Matthew Broderick plays a depressed high school teacher, who tries to manage his imploding marriage while facing off against a determined and cunning student in this dark comedy that features Reese Witherspoon in one of the best performances of her career. Witherspoon plays Tracy Flick, an overachieving student with dreams (of becoming the student body president) that are quickly dashed by the school’s popular jock. Tracy’s willing to go to extreme lengths to win the race, but when Broderick’s Mr. McAllister thinks to intervene, his own failing personal life is put on display.
Recent Changes Through August 2021:
Removed: Back To The Future, The Dark Knight, Spotlight, Saving Private Ryan, Zombieland, Moonlight, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Burning
Added: Snowpiercer, Million Dollar Baby
Over the last decade or so, more and more professional athletes are migrating to Hollywood. Some are content with cameos on popular TV series, others prefer bit parts in comedy blockbusters, and then, there are these guys.
Out of every sport, wrestling seems like the kind of day job that lends itself to the kind of theatricality needed to make it big in film and on TV. After all, more than pile drives and pins, cage matches, and tag-team showdowns, professional wrestling is all about the drama. And if you can deliver complicated storylines focused on feuds, friendships, and hostile takeovers all while wearing ill-fitting spandex and sequined leather chaps, you can probably do anything.
We took a look at the biggest wrestling personalities who’ve pivoted their smack-talking skills and over-the-top personalities to successful careers in Hollywood and decided to rank them based on box office draw and how interesting their acting choices have been. Here’s who’s had the best post-wrestling career on screen so far.
Sony
10. “Macho Man” Randy Savage Best Performance: Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man (2002)
When a man’s Wikipedia page sports job descriptors like “professional wrestler,” “rapper,” and “baseball player,” is it really that much of a stretch to think he can probably act too? Randy Savage made a name for himself in the ring with his iconic, raspy delivery of catchphrases, his physicality, and his love of classical music. But he took that eccentricity and intensity and parlayed it into a successful career on screen too, voicing characters on shows like King of the Hill and patenting a slogan for Slim Jims that somehow made the idea of tasteless dried meat appealing. His best turn though had to be in Tobey McGuire’s first Spider-Man outing, where he played the savage, flamboyant antagonist in a cage match gone very wrong.
Lionsgate
9. Stone Cold Steve Austin Best Performance: Dan Paine in The Expendables (2010)
The cacophonous melody of shattered glass. The leather vest. The bald head. Steve Austin was a stone-cold baddie on WWE, ushering in an era of profanity and violence the league hadn’t risked exploring before but eventually, his career in the ring was sidelined by injury — and by the fact that he’d peaked by turning a Biblical passage into a T-shirt-selling empire. TV and film were the next best thing and though Austin gave some physically impressive performances in a handful of B-movies, his best roles were in bigger-budget fare. He played a worthy adversary to Slyvester Stallone in The Expendables before being set on fire, and he proved he had some surprising comedic chops in a couple of Adam Sandler flicks.
Universal Pictures
8. Ronda Rousey Best Performance: Kara in Furious 7 (2015)
Ronda Rousey is an Olympic medalist. She’s the first woman to ever be inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame. She holds the record for the longest stint as a WWE Champion. In other words, she’s the real deal and her aptitude for trash-talking served her outside the ring too. She earned early film credits by playing ingenue mercenaries and self-sacrificing special ops agents. She even had a stint on Fox’s drama-heavy 9-1-1, but her best role might just be the ass-kicking foe of Michelle Rodriguez in Furious 7.
Buena Vista
7. Big Show Best Performance: Captain Insano in The Waterboy (1998)
Big Show was a hulking figure in the world of wrestling. His sheer size amazed fans, his brutish backstabbing terrified opponents. But, oddly enough, his acting career has benefitted from the man also known as Paul Wight showing off his softer, more humorous side. He fronted a sweet family sitcom loosely based on his own life over on Netflix and he’s played his bulk for laughs in movies like McGruber and Jingle All The Way. Still, nothing tops him dissing Adam Sandler live on television as the uber-masculine Captain Insano — even if we did come away feeling pretty sorry for Bobby Boucher.
Universal Pictures
6. Rowdy Roddy Piper Best Performance: Nada in They Live (1988)
Roddy Piper — a Canadian wrestler posing as a quick-tempered Scottish rogue — is infamous in the sport for perfecting the antagonistic role that so many other men and women on this list would one day trade on. He favored bagpipes and kilts and over-the-top feuds so it should come as no surprise that his film career was equally niche. While we’re partial to his turn as a deranged wrestler on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, his greatest role is undeniably that of Nada, a homeless drifter tasked with saving the world from aliens looking to enslave the human race in the cult classic They Live. After all, who else on this list utters a more iconic line than “I have come here to chew bubblegum, and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” No one, that’s who.
WB
5. Kevin Nash Best Performance: Tarzan/Ernest in Magic Mike XXL (2015)
One of the founding members of a group known as the New World Order, Kevin Nash is an OG figure in the world of wrestling, a man whose rivals are some of the biggest names in the sport today — think Hulk Hogan and Bill Goldberg. But no feat in the ring can compare with Nash’s acting credits in both Magic Mike movies. Not only did Steven Soderberg deem him talented enough to play a reserved male stripper named Tarzan, but he was also so good in the role, Channing Tatum gave him even more to do in the sequel. Magic Mike XXL proved Nash could do comedy. He imbued Ernest with heart, playing up the dichotomy of his massive size and his character’s desire to just be a family man. And that stage routine where he pretended to be a leather-shorts-clad Michaelangelo? Truly inspired work.
20th Century Fox
4. Andre the Giant Best Performance: Fezzik in The Princess Bride (1987)
It’s a rare thing when a wrestler is able to craft an acting career that outlives and outperforms his legacy in the ring. The rest of the names ranking higher on this list have achieved that, but they all follow in the footsteps of Andre Roussimoff, aka Andre the Giant. He may have been Hulk Hogan’s initial enemy in the WWF, but on screen, Andre brought to life a character that would one day become a cultural icon. An unemployed giant recruited to help start a war between two kingdoms, Fezzik evolved from a simple thug-for-hire to a hero in his own right. He was a loyal friend, an intimidating opponent, and a man blessed with the gift of rhyme. The Princess Bride just wouldn’t have worked without him.
Universal Pictures
3. John Cena Best Performance: Steven in Trainwreck (2015)
Sure, John Cena’s gimmicks in the ring haven’t aged that well. His hip-hop-inspired costume complete with baggy jorts and gold padlock chains should never have been a look and we doubt his signature “You Can’t See Me” slogan ever really intimidated anyone. Still, if we had to suffer through those early WWE growing pains to enjoy his post-wrestling career, the acting choices he’s been making in the past few years are more than worth it. Now Cena is physically capable of being an action hero — and he’s done a worthy job of it in films like The Wall, 12 Rounds, and The Marine. But what Cena is truly gifted at is comedy, and he shines when he’s able to pair his imposing physique with his impeccable comedic timing. For proof, just look at how he takes bit parts — a tatted drug dealer handing out molly, birth control, and Flintstone gummies from the same tackle box in Sisters, a brawny sensitive boyfriend who sucks at dirty talk in Trainwreck — and turns them into the most memorable parts of a movie. His role in that Amy Schumer-led comedy still rings as his best work to date — no one has ever failed so spectacularly at trash-talking than Steven does during that hilarious movie theater confrontation — but his turns in Blockers and Daddy’s Home also have us hyped for what he’s promising in James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad. A guy who wears a shiny toilet seat on his head and values liberty so much he’d be willing to eat an entire beach’s worth of penises to get it? That’s the kind of character John Cena was born to play.
Marvel
2. Dave Bautista Best Performance: Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
It’s hard to imagine Dave Bautista playing an animalistic baddie in the ring, which feels like one of the highest compliments one can pay to a former wrestler-turned-acclaimed-thespian. We know he did put in time in the WWE. He’s got enough championship titles to prove it, and his feud with Triple H during their Evolution days was one of the most thrilling storylines to come from the league, but when you think of Bautista now, you think of his career on-screen. And for good reason. The athlete has been vocal about how seriously he takes his craft and his choices reflect that commitment — from working with directors like Sam Mendes and Denis Villeneuve to his star-making turn in James Gunn’s weirdly wonderful Guardians of the Galaxy series. He’s done more indie fare with films like Bushwick and shows like HBO’s anthology series Room 104, but he’s also proven he’s capable of taking the lead in the comedy department, acting opposite of Kumail Nanjiani in Stuber and playing a CIA-agent-turned-reluctant-babysitter in My Spy. Still, his most impressive performance can be found in Gunn’s MCU debut where Bautista somehow managed to make a character with the phrase “The Destroyer” in his name one of the more soft-spoken, lovable losers in a franchise filled with idyllic superheroes. Bautista is a master of the deadpan delivery in the first Guardians film, playing the comedic foil to Chris Pratt’s Peter Quill and stealing the show from the wise-cracking CGI raccoon voiced by Bradley Cooper — two men with exponentially more acting experience than Bautista. Up next is Army of the Dead, Zack Snyder’s long-awaited zombie action-comedy, another Villeneuve epic in Dune, and the recently announced Knives Out 2. Bautista may not have as many credits under his belt as guys like The Rock or John Cena, but it’s his bold, interesting career choices that make him such a high-ranking contender on this list. Out of everyone, we’re most excited to see where he goes next.
Columbia Pictures
1. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Best Performance: Maui in Moana (2016) and Dr. Smolder in Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle (2017)
This might be a completely unoriginal take but we’d argue that when you’re as successful at what you do as Dwayne Johnson is, people have no choice but to seed you in that number one spot. The truth is, no one comes close to what the artist formerly known as The Rock has done on the big (and small) screen. He’s the most popular wrestler to come from the WWE in its history, so much so that even fans who didn’t tune into his cage matches and Royal Rumbles can recite his signature catchphrase. And that relentless charisma easily transferred to his work in film, helping him headline a lineup of action-packed blockbusters in the early 2010s before transitioning to comedic roles with his Jumanji revival. His HBO drama Ballers proved Johnson has an eye for good storytelling — after all, not every prestige TV series gets such an enthusiastic endorsement from sitting Senator Elizabeth Warren — and his appearance in Fast Five reinvigorated that franchise, inspiring spin-offs centered around Johnson’s government-ops muscle-head and his contentious odd-couple relationships with the criminals that surround him. And while we appreciate the effort he put into his smolder for Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, while we get a kick out of his bromance with Kevin Hart in Central Intelligence, and while no one can sell CGI-heavy action epics featuring skyscrapers, San Andreas fault lines, and giant gorillas we need to acknowledge the truly fantastic performance Johnson gave in a modern animated Disney masterpiece. Yes, Dwayne Johnson can play a tough guy out to save the world in his sleep. A lot of people on this list can. But no one, we mean no one, can voice a trickster god who can shapeshift, voyage, and belt out a catchy show tune like this guy. Even Lin Manuel-Miranda recognized that.
Chicago, Illinois has been at the top of my U.S. travel bucket list for years. Not just because I’ve always heard it’s one of the coolest cities in the Midwest (which it totally is), but because I was born there. It’s right there on my birth certificate — but since my family left for Los Angeles before I was even able to form words it’s not like I know the Windy City. Not in the least.
With a curiosity about where I came from brewing, I finally packed my bags for the Chi (do non-residents who were born in the city get to call it that?) after 25 years away. I only had three days to explore Chicago’s famous food spots, nightlife scene, and classic tourist attractions, so I wasted no time lounging around. A few early thoughts before we get more granular:
If you’re Ubering everywhere, you’d better budget for it. I didn’t and had to walk nine miles in the heat one afternoon to get from place to place while saving cash.
The Windy City lives up to its nickname. I brought a flowy skirt and may have flashed a few locals on accident.
While the high temperatures and humidity are no joke in Chi-Town, summer is undoubtedly the best time of year to visit. From bikers zooming down the 18-mile long Lakefront Trail to young partiers chilling out at North Avenue Beach, Chicago’s lively summer vibes are perfect for adventure and party-friendly 20-somethings.
Below, you’ll find the mix of mainstream tourist attractions and low-key deeper dives that filled my days and nights. Of course, deep-dish pizza was a must on the to-do list but it was the trendy rooftop bars, authentic Greek cuisine, and a crystalline skyline that made Chicago one of the most memorable U.S. trips of my 20s, thus far. Check my full recommendations below:
PART I – Where to Get the Best Views
360 Views at The Signature Lounge
There’s no shortage of sky-high window views in Chicago, but one (literally) stands above the rest. The Signature Lounge at 96th is a bar and restaurant (The Signature Room at 95th) at the top of the iconic John Hancock Center. The lounge’s upscale ambiance and dress code make it a splurge-worthy destination for starting a celebratory weekend out on the town. To get here, you first wait in line to take an elevator that somehow races up 96 floors in less than a minute.
Be prepared for slight vertigo and roller coaster-like G-force if you’re sensitive to motion. Fear not, the view is worth the 30 seconds of discomfort.
The elevator doors open to floor-to-ceiling glass walls that offer a bird’s eye view of where the concrete jungle meets the icy blue water of Lake Michigan. Take a lap around the lounge and you’ll observe couples dressed to the nines for a date night, tourists snapping pictures of the awe-inspiring landscape (yes, I was one of them), and perfectly groomed waiters running glasses of specialty cocktails and champagne to their tables. On the far side of the lounge, you’re met with a sea of skyline that drifts into flat Midwestern terrain disappearing into the horizon.
If you can, go to The Signature Lounge at 96th during sunset. I’m not exaggerating when I say it took my breath away, but I’m also a sucker for a good sunset view.
Want to experience the spectacle for yourself? View the full menu and photo gallery here.
The J. Parker Rooftop at Hotel Lincoln
Via Chloe Caldwell
I booked a room at Hotel Lincoln for the weekend, which happened to be home to a popular brunch and nightlife rooftop called The J. Parker. This rooftop reminded me of a classic Saturday afternoon back home in LA. There were groups of young people, all dressed like a photo straight off Instagram’s Explore page, crowding the hotel lobby anxiously waiting in line to get the signature cocktails flowing. I ordered the “Bubble Around,” a tantalizing concoction made of vodka, lemongrass, elderflower, lemon, and prosecco.
The best part of The J. Parker was the unobstructed view of Lake Michigan and Lincoln Park. You can admire the lush greenery of the park at lunch, peer out at sailboats cruising by at sunset, or take in the city lights while you sip after dark.
Pro tip: If you book a stay at Hotel Lincoln, you get to jump the line for a table. The wait time for The J. Parker can get up to well over an hour, so it’s worth considering getting a room. Not only that, but the hotel is in the heart of the Lincoln Park neighborhood that’s only a short walk to Old Town, North Avenue Beach, and Lincoln Park Zoo.
Looking to get lost in the night? Head to Wells Street in Chicago’s Old Town district. Walking distance from Lincoln Park, Old Town is filled with a plethora of bars, restaurants, and boutique shops. After dark, this historic stretch becomes a party scene where hundreds of young people scatter (or should I say stumble) from bar to bar. It reminded me of an elevated version of my university’s main street – bordering on chaotic but in the best way possible.
On one side of the street, there’re flashing lights and techno blaring at Benchmark. On the other side? A chill Irish sports pub where you can grab an authentic Irish beer to kick off the night. Just steps from the pub is a late-night pizza spot called Happy Camper complete with a disco ball, refurbished trailers, and a beer garden-esque atmosphere.
There’s truly something for every kind of gen-Z and millennial bar hopper in Old Town. My personal favorite Old Town hotspot was Happy Camper simply because of its quirky decor and cocktails.
Chicago’s Old Town is also home to where some of the greatest comedians, award-winning actors, and directors of our time got their big break. AKA, The Second City. It’s a comedy club and school where you can go to get some belly laughs and drinks on a night out. Notable names you might recognize (and by “might” I mean “definitely know and love”) include Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong, Mike Myers, Chris Farley, Key & Peele, John Belushi, Jane Lynch, Tina Fey, and Steve Carell…just to name a few.
If you want to understand the arts of improv and sketch comedy, this is a must-visit destination.
Click here for The Second City’s latest show dates, news, and classes.
I didn’t know I could fall in love with a meal until I went to Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder Co. This little wooden restaurant is comprised of a refurbished house that lies directly across the street from the scene of the infamous Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre in 1929. It’s even rumored to have been the lookout post for henchmen of the Valentine gunners.
One step into the foyer and your nostrils are met with a steamy combination of garlic, marinara, and warm dough. But this isn’t any old pizza place. It’s a pizza pot pie place. The individual serving-sized pies are made from scratch with triple-raised Sicilian bread, a homemade sauce, and a blend of cheeses that made the post-dairy stomach ache worth every. Single. Bite.
If you can’t wait for your pizza pot pie to bake (no shame, I couldn’t either), order the Mediterranean bread as an appetizer for the table. This massive, herby pull-apart flatbread reminded me once again why I’ll never go on the Keto diet.
Tables fill up fast, so you’re going to want to make a reservation here.
Authentic Cuisine in Greektown
Via Chloe Caldwell
A bit off the beaten path and less congested with tourists is Greektown. What was once a Greek immigrant community is now a commercial district. However, the cultural influences of the past still remain, as you’ll see passing by the many Greek restaurants, tavernas, and pastry shops. The restaurants, of course, are always my favorite part.
You know the feeling of being so satisfyingly full after Thanksgiving dinner that you can barely move? That’s exactly how I felt after leaving Greek Islands, a restaurant in the heart of Greektown that’s been filling its tables since 1971. The restaurant imports its extra virgin olive oil, wine, cheeses, seafood, olives, herbs, and spices directly from Greece, so you know you’re getting the real deal. The sampling of hummus and Taramosalata on my plate teleported me to the hillsides of Santorini. The traditional blue and white decor helped, too.
Out of everything on the menu, it was the flaming saganaki cheese that did it for me. I didn’t know whether to be scared or excited when the block of cheese burst into an orange flurry right next to my table. It was like a culinary circus act and I was the dancing bear waiting for my treat.
Ready to try the flaming cheese for yourself? View the full Greek Islands menu here.
PART IV – Where to Sightsee
Architecture River Tours
Via Chloe Caldwell
Chicago is often referred to as the “Second City” because it was rebuilt from the ground up after the Chicago Fire of 1871 left much of the city in ashes and one-third of the population homeless. What replaced the damage is a slew of skyscrapers highly recognized for their impeccably executed and creative designs. To get a closer look at the legendary structures and learn more about the city’s history, take an Architecture Boat Tour on the Chicago River. It’s maybe the most efficient and affordable way to experience most of the city without sacrificing too much of your party or dining time.
Your tour guide takes you on a 90-minute cruise that gives you in-depth detail about the tallest, oldest, and most gravity-defying buildings in Chicago. My neck was hurting by the end of it because I didn’t want to miss a single landmark.
If architecture doesn’t pique your interest, Chicago Line Cruises also offers a variety of other cruises, such as a historical tour and a live jazz tour.
One of the most animated destinations during summer is Navy Pier. Here, you’ll find a 200-feet-tall Ferris wheel, classic carnival games, lakeside dining, sporting event watch parties, art installations, and even live performances from local dance groups and theater organizations (just to name a few). I even saw a wedding party boarding a yacht off the side of the pier for their reception.
Every Wednesday and Saturday night during summer, the pier also puts on live music and fireworks. Make sure you get to a rooftop bar or nearby park by 9:30 p.m. if you want to catch the show. If you go to the pier midday, wear sunscreen or a hat. The crowds of people and light reflecting off the water will heat you up in a hurry. I could almost hear the skin on my shoulders sizzling by the time I left.
Follow the link here for Navy Pier’s complete schedule of public events and programs.
The Bean at Millenium Park
Via Chloe Caldwell
I couldn’t go to Chicago without making a stop at “the bean.” Possibly the most Instagrammed piece of artwork in the Midwest, Cloud Gate (more popularly known as “the bean”) by Sir Anish Kapoor, can be found at the Chicago AT&T Plaza at Millennium Park. Unfortunately, it was gated off to abide by social distancing guidelines at the time of my visit. So I didn’t get the classic bean selfie in the mirrored surface of the sculpture. The upside is that I was able to take in the full essence of the piece, catching every glimpse of the skyline reflected against it.
As majestic as it was, I couldn’t help but think of a giant, silver Flubber. The surrounding area in the plaza is made up of walkways, futuristic architecture, and a queue of trees that offers a much-needed escape from the heat.
Curious to learn more? Here is the full rundown about the bean’s history, design, and location.
***
It’s safe to say that Chicago did not disappoint and there’s still so much to do and see (the jazz clubs! the theater scene! the avant-garde art!). A weekend doesn’t give you enough time to soak in everything the city has to offer. Will I be moving back? Not until I witness one of those famous Chicago winters. But I definitely won’t go another 25 years before returning to my birth city — that’s for sure.
There are a lot of fast food cheeseburgers out there and plenty of them are extremely solid. But let’s be real: there are some stinkers, too. That’s why you have us. In order to save you time and money, we’ve been eating at every fast food joint we can find and ranking everything from their dry patties to their absorbent napkins.
But one chain has evaded us and missed out on all of our rankings: Culver’s. Over and over you’ve told us we need to remedy that fact. Well, today is the day.
As a national chain, Culver’s isn’t small by any means. It’s got 600 restaurants in 24 states. Restaurant Business lists it as the 38th biggest food chain in the US (8th among burger joints) — bigger than Carl’s Jr., In-N-Out, Shake Shack, Five Guys, and White Castle. But its mostly midwest locations don’t align with the home bases of the core writers on our staff. And while ranking food is fun, we can’t really ask a writer to relocate for that task.
Still, we always want to be complete in our picks. So on a recent trip to South Dakota, I made a Culver’s run. In fact, it was a full menu feast. And it featured a revelation — the Culver’s ButterBurger.
For those of you not from the Midwest, Culver’s ButterBurger is a “pressed and seared” burger. Basically, a smash burger that’s been around far longer than the buzzword itself. The patty is a mix of sirloin, chuck, and plate beef that’s always fresh and never frozen. The burgers are made-to-order and 100 percent customizable with Culver’s vast array of toppings and condiments. Finally, there’s the soft potato bun that’s slathered with Wisconsin butter and lightly toasted on the flat top griddle.
It’s simplicity defined.
So how does it stand up? As a gourmand, chef, and traveler, I’ve eaten a lot of fast food burgers — from 2 am McDonald’s double cheeseburgers to countless Shake Shack airport burgers to monthly cheat meals at In-N-Out when I was living in L.A. Alas, it had been a long while since a ButterBurger from Culver’s had been part of that mix. But I always remembered it being really good, so I was excited to tuck in at a Sioux Falls location just a few days back.
I ordered a double ButterBurger with American cheese (this felt like the safe cheese get to compare and contrast with the competition) with onions and pickles and kechup, mayo, and mustard (making a defacto burger sauce on the bun). I’m not really a fan of lettuce and tomato on a burger. I also got a small basket that came with crinkle-cut fries in one of those old-school plastic baskets and a small drink. I took my number, got some signature Culver’s root beer, filled some little paper cups with ketchup, and found a table to call home.
Here are my thoughts:
The Burger Construction:
Zach Johnston
This isn’t rocket science but so many places get this wrong. It went a little something like this: Heel bun, condiments, pickle, cheese slice, patty, cheese slice, onions, patty, buttered crown bun, and an extra pickle chip on top.
The condiments and pickle on the bottom melded into a perfectly suitable burger sauce. It was tangy with a seriously salty deli pickle vibe. The cheese was put on when the burger was built, so it was just starting to melt as I tucked in. The onions were grilled (per my request) and added a nice crunchy, sweetness, and bite. The top bun was a soft and buttery delight that held its form.
The Burger Patties:
Zach Johnston
All that stuff mentioned above is fine but what’s great about this burger is the beef itself. These are perfectly rendered “smash” burgers. Just look at the sear across the whole patty. There’s legitimate lacing on the edges! And, most importantly, it’s still juicy on the inside. That’s a hell of a feat given how most fast food patties dry out — looking at you McDonalds, In-N-Out, Burger King…
What’s paramount to this burger is the heft of the patty. They’re light while still having a little weight to them. With a double, you know you’re getting a good-sized burger without getting weighed down.
Oh, and they’re perfectly seasoned with just the right push of umami complimenting that wonderous sear.
The Verdict:
Zach Johnston
My immediate thought while eating this was, “Oh, this is what Shake Shack has been trying to copy all this time…” Seriously, this is very obviously what Danny Meyer was mimicking when he opened his now international New York burger joint. And you know what? Culver’s still takes the trophy. This burger is really, really hard to fault. One, it doesn’t have a dumb-ass piece of butter lettuce on it like a ShackBurger, so that’s a win. Plus it had that exceptional bun and some nicely caramelized onions.
Not for nothing, but thhe crinkle-cut fries were damn good, too — completely fried and crispy down to the last one. Hell, even the root beer was a solid, albeit sweet, entry in the genre.
Is this the best burger in the fast food game? I’ll have to investigate a little deeper (Five Guys, Whataburger, etc.) but it’s sure not far off. It was perfectly smashed, buttery, and filling without being overwhelming. More than a regional favorite, this is a great fast-food burger, period.
If you don’t have a Culver’s in your home state, make it a point to seek one out next time you’re in the Midwest. You’ll be glad you did — I know I certainly am.
As has been the case on throughout these Olympics, the USA men’s basketball team found itself in an early hole in their semifinal matchup with Australia on Thursday in Tokyo, but this time it felt like they might be in some real danger.
A red-hot Boomers squad jumped out to a 41-26 lead in the second quarter, playing sensational basketball on both ends of the floor, and having beaten the Americans in their last two exhibition meetings, it looked as though they might just have Team USA’s number. However, as has been the case many times in these Olympics, Kevin Durant kept the Americans from falling into an insurmountable hole with his ridiculous shot-making, scoring 15 first-half points and leading the charge as Team USA closed the gap to 45-42 at the half (much like in their quarterfinals game against Spain).
It didn’t take long for the U.S. to regain the lead in the third quarter, as a Jrue Holiday runner put them up 46-45, an advantage they wouldn’t relinquish the rest of the way.
Durant continued to shine in the third, as he has been the driving force throughout the Olympics for Team USA on offense, carrying them at times when needed — and it has been needed probably more than he and his teammates would like.
He did get ample support in the second half from Devin Booker, who came alive and found his shooting stroke, finishing the night with 20 points on 7-of-10 shooting (3-of-5 from three).
As a team, the Americans heated up in the second half, but it was the defense that was the catalyst, as they continued to stymie Patty Mills as a scorer, but also did a much better job taking up the airspace from Australia’s perimeter shooters and asking a lot of questions from their tertiary players. Jock Landale, Nic Kay, and Chris Goulding accounted for 27 of Australia’s 61 shots on the night, which simply isn’t a winning recipe for the Boomers, as Team USA did a magnificent job in the late second quarter and the entire second half of taking away Australia’s primary options.
Holiday, Durant, Draymond Green, and Zach LaVine all were masterful on the defensive end, smothering Australia’s offense with their length to force bad shots and turnovers that led to breakouts on the other end.
In the end the Americans ran away with a 97-78 win to advance to the gold medal game, where they will either get a chance to avenge their lone loss of the Olympics against France or take on Luka Doncic and Slovenia. Durant finished with 23 points on 10-of-19 shooting from the field, as he was finally able to relinquish the offensive creation duties to others and rest up in the fourth quarter while his teammates pulled away. Booker’s 20 led the rest of the cast around KD, with Holiday and Khris Middleton each chipping in 11 points to help the cause — Holiday also led the team with eight assists.
As for Australia, they will play for the bronze against the loser of that France-Slovenia game, as they seek their first Olympic medal in men’s basketball.
A great burger is more than a delicious slab of beef — it’s obvious that the fixings are crucial. But just how crucial are they in shaping the fast food burger hierarchy? Can good bread make or break a burger? What about the cheese? Can a fast food chain overcome trash patties? These are the questions that keep a food/ weed writer up at night.
In truth, I’m not sure if I was stoned when I got the idea to follow our epic double cheeseburger ranking by grading fast food burgers on the quality of meat alone. No sauce, no onions, we’re not even interested in the bread! Whatever its origins, this experiment gave us the chance to zero in on one element to see how much it affects the whole burger experience. (Besides, we’ve done crazier things, like ranking fast food napkins.)
In the end, this exercise revealed four things:
Every single fast food burger is painfully overcooked. (“Something something legal department” is surely the root of this and it’s annoying.)
A good half of them aren’t seasoned — this blandness is usually masked by sauce.
My favorite burger… is actually pretty middling. Most diners and one-off burger joints could beat it in a “just beef” taste test, if only because they aren’t as scared of a lawsuit.
This was an odd experience taken all around and I got a lot of sideways looks from cashiers who thought I was insane for asking for “just the meat.” Most wouldn’t do it, so I ended up purchasing a lot of hamburgers with nothing on them and removing the dry meat from the equally dry bun to taste it. After a few bites, I’d reassemble my sad burgers to recover some sense of normalcy.
Ready to find out who won?
11. Jack in the Box — Hamburger
Dane Rivera
Tasting Notes
Generally, Jack in the Box is pretty middling. It’s never cracked the top five in any of our fast food rankings, but it never lands at the bottom of a list either. It’s reliable in its basicness, that is until I ditched all the sides. This meat has no flavor, aside from the dull taste of overcooked red meat. It’s grainy, full of chunky pieces of fat and other mealy bits, and it’s bone dry. Congratulations Jack in the Box, you have the worst beef in fast food.
This burger patty was incredibly flimsy, I had to be looking at something like a sixth of a pound. Quality-wise the beef is a bit of a step up from JiB’s offering, it doesn’t have that same awful chunky mouthfeel and Rally’s actually bothered to put salt on this one. Just because the texture was better, doesn’t mean it was great. This meat is really spongey, it takes a while to chew through it which really allows you to focus on just how mediocre the meat is.
The Bottom Line
Salty, and yet still surprisingly underseasoned. Overcooked, despite its light tan appearance.
Carl’s Jr charbroils its meat, so right off the bat, this one is practically bursting with flavor compared to the other two. The texture is alright, it’s not too grainy, there are no hard-to-chew knots of fatty meat, but it’s way too dry. On top of that, it’s completely underseasoned, it tastes like Carl’s Jr is relying solely on the char for flavor.
The Bottom Line
Dry and underseasoned. Far from the best-charbroiled meat your money can buy.
Fully-dressed Del Taco actually makes a surprisingly delicious double cheeseburger. Add slices of avocado to it and you’ve got an amazing burger experience that you can’t get at almost any other fast food joint. I guess I must’ve been really wowed by that avocado option because this meat has no flavor to it. The texture is leagues better than JiB’s or Rally’s, it has an appetizing mouthfeel giving you beef that breaks apart like meat should but it has no seasoning whatsoever. Not even salt. Just the taste of Del Taco’s flat grill.
The Bottom Line
It tastes like a burger patty should, which you wouldn’t think would be hard to do. Unfortunately aside from the flavor of cooked red beef, this one has no other flavor notes.
This one really shocked me. Burger King is without a doubt the worst fast food restaurant in the entire fast food galaxy. The chain frequently lands in the last place spot in our fast food rankings, and for good reason — the King does almost nothing right. Bad burgers, bad fries, horrible chicken nuggets, and pretty shitty chicken sandwiches as well. But the Whopper? It’s not bad. Burger King does the charbroiled thing better than Carl’s Jr., I’m not sure what goes on behind the scenes but this one is way less dry, and hey, look at that, they actually added salt.
The Bottom Line
A better charbroiled offering than what you’ll find at Carl’s Jr.
I’ve never been a big fan of McDonald’s burgers. I know the value double cheese has its fans, and there are a few weirdos out there that like the Big Mac (middle bread? GTFO), but to me, I’ve always viewed the Golden Arches’ burgers as mediocre. I was wrong, this is a good grilled piece of meat. It’s perfectly seasoned with just the right amount of salt, it’s slightly juicy, and it has a great texture that melts in your mouth as you chew through it. I have nothing bad to say about this burger, which is something I never thought I’d feel about a McDonald’s burger.
The Bottom Line
A shockingly solid fast food burger. I promise it’s better than you think it is. I might’ve been underappreciating McDonald’s burgers my whole life.
This one was downright heartbreaking to me. When I witnessed this solo meat patty I couldn’t believe how small it actually was, and how sad it looked. This is hard for me to say but, In-N-Out burgers are pathetic. This has always been my favorite burger chain (yes I’m one of those, deal with it), and I’ve always reasoned that In-N-Out is so good because the meat just tastes better than all of the competition. I couldn’t be more wrong.
It’s not bad by any means, it’s juicy and well-salted, but there isn’t much to it. While the middle of the burger tastes great, the edges are overcooked, giving the burger a dull dry ring around it. that reminded me of boring bread crust.
The Bottom Line
I guess where In-N-Out shines is with their sponge dough and perfectly melty American cheese. The weakest link is the beef.
I’m not at all surprised to find Wendy’s in the top five of this ranking. The Dave’s Single is great, the burger is greasy and salty, with a juicy texture and a great mouthfeel, despite it looking like it was burnt to a crisp. I’ve always viewed Wendy’s as a beefy burger, it’s a place I almost never order a double cheeseburger, I even grab the Son of Baconator instead of the real thing because it’s just too much meat to handle.
But viewing it all on its own, it’s not really that much bigger than the other burger chains out there. I wouldn’t ever think to describe this burger as thick.
The Bottom Line
Wendy’s burgers are so good that it’s incredibly easy to forget someone made the dumb decision to cut these into squares. Buns are round Dave.
Shout out to Five Guys for actually selling me just a piece of meat. They wrapped it up in a ridiculously large tin box, but I really appreciate that they didn’t
An actual conversation I had at Fat Burger: “Hi, would it be possible to just order a patty of meat?” “I’m sorry?” “A patty of meat, just on its own.” “You mean a hamburger?” “Just the meat though no bun.” “I’m sorry we can’t do that.” “No worries, can I just have an Original Fat Burger? Plain please.” “No cheese?” “No, just the meat and bread.” “Okay. Just meat and bread, right? Nothing else? No sauce, or pickles, or lettuce?” “Right.”
I ended up also ordering a Coke just because of how embarrassed I felt.
Aside from the fact that Fat Burger charged me fucking $8 for a hamburger, I have little to complain about with this one. It’s great, a little over-salted but it has a great caramelized outer that provides a nice crunch and keeps those delicious burger juices deep within the meat. This is so good I almost ate the entire patty without reassembling the burger.
The Bottom Line
One of the best patties of beef out there in the fast food galaxy. I’ve never considered Fat Burger one of the best burger joints, but after this experience, I might need to spend more time with the menu.
I had a prediction that Shake Shack would end up dominating this ranking, so I’m not surprised to see it in the number one spot, but I am taken aback at just how much better this meat is compared to everything else out there. It’s not even close, Shake Shack blows our number two pick out of the water because it does everything better. It’s juicier than Fat Burger’s meat, with that same caramelized crust that keeps those savory juices locked in, but the flavor and texture of the meat is just so much better. It almost melts in your mouth without the need to chew it, with just the right amount of salt that enhances the flavor, rather than masks it. This meat is so delicate and sumptuous that I’m pretty sure your saliva alone could break it down.
The burgers at Shake Shack are made using a proprietary meat blend courtesy of New Jersey-based butcher Pat LaFrieda, so it’s no surprise that what you get from Shake Shack is much more luxurious. No other fast food restaurant is doing beef this delicious.
The Bottom Line
Hands down the best burger meat you can buy at a fast food restaurant. It’s amazing that a Shack Burger doesn’t cost more than $10, every bite is luxuriously delicious.
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