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If there’s one public figure that should be weighing in on the recent U.S. government report on UFOs (concluding that there’s no valid proof that alien spaceships exist), it would be Cosmos host Neil DeGrasse Tyson. After all, he recently called out Hollywood over the depiction of aliens, so one would expect him to have a take, especially after The X-Files creator, Chris Carter, declared his skepticism over the report’s (lack of) contents.

How’s Tyson taking the official government news? Well, he’s previously expressed doubts about whether aliens would bother with humanity at all. “Call me when you have a dinner invite from an alien,” he told told CNN’s Alisyn Camerota in 2017. “The evidence is so paltry for aliens to visit Earth, I have no further interest.”

In light of the U.S. government report, Tyson’s turning the tables on civilians and making the point that it’s bizarre how, out of all the claims of people being visited by aliens, no one has managed to whip out a smartphone and do better than the U.S. military videos.

“The search for Aliens on Earth has been crowdsourced to three-billion internet-connected smartphones around the World,” Tyson pointed out on Twitter. “If our best evidence for visitors from another planet is monochromatic low-resolution, fuzzy video taken by the USNavy, then there’s more work to be done here.”

Tyson added that, seriously, “If a UFO beams you up, steal a gizmo from the shelf when the Alien isn’t looking.” He then declared, “Bring that to the lab — you’ll need it to supplement your eyewitness testimony.”

From there, he decided to (again) rehash all some “Space Alien Tweets” from the past decade and more. Naturally, he tossed a Dad Joke in there. The lesson here? Keep your phone charged, people. (I kid, possibly.)

Ed Sheeran gave a taste of his The Late Late Show residency last week when he showed up a bit early, but last night, his week-long stay officially kicked off. Aside from interviews and comedy bits, he’s set to perform some songs during his visit, and he got things started last night by giving his new single “Bad Habits” its television debut. Sheeran doesn’t typically perform with a backing band, but he did this time, enlisting some other musicians to help bring his dance-pop single to life.

Chatting with James Corden ahead of the performance, Sheeran spoke about the song, explaining how it’s similar to his previous lead singles:

“I think for me, on Multiply and Divide, both of the lead singles — it was ‘Sing’ and then ‘Shape Of You’ — and both the lead singles were sonically completely different to anything I’d done. And I felt nervous about putting them out, being like, ‘What are my fans going to think?’ Both times, it worked by doing something different. I’m an acoustic singer/songwriter and I feel like I could just stand on stage and sing acoustic love songs for the rest of my life, but it’s not really going to keep people interested, and I’m always trying to find the new angle. I’ve never done a dance tune and I’ve always been quite hesitant to make dance music because it can just be — we were talking earlier in your office — it can just be [imitates thumping electronic music]. Doesn’t really fit with my thing.”

He went on to say that this song was a late arrival for his upcoming album and that he made it because it seemed like a better post-pandemic choice for a lead single than the one he originally had planned:

“I had a first single chosen and we were going to shoot the video, the album was mixed, and then in January or February, England announced that in June, the country was going to be opening up, and my single was scheduled to come out in June. And I was like, ‘I don’t know if the world needs a depressing, sad, slow, acoustic song when it’s all opening up.’ So I was in the studio and we created this song and it’s just fun, I think.”

Watch clips of Sheeran’s Late Late Show appearance above and below.

Ed Sheeran is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Before last weekend, I knew exactly three things about The Cheesecake Factory:

1. The place has a gargantuan menu, so large that calling it a book is putting it lightly. Seriously, if you’ve ever read through this 20+ page novella, you should feel proud of the accomplishment (even though that’s a seriously odd flex).
2. As far as mainstream national restaurant chains go, this one has pretty delicious food and it’s also decidedly not inexpensive.
3. Whoever designed the interior and exterior of this restaurant was on acid because it’s insane. Or as game developer Max Krieger pointed out in a lengthy Twitter thread, it’s a “world of aesthetic chaos that feels like a mix between a Fry’s Electronics, an overgrown Panera and a laser tag arena.” Which has got to be the most spot-on description of The Cheesecake Factory vibe ever. For all time.

I was comfortable in my limited knowledge, blissfully ignorant — then everything changed. I was assigned to hit up “The Factory” and try 25 different dishes, eating everything from spring rolls to pastas to actual cheesecakes. Apps, mains, sides, desserts — I was going to do it all in one wild, food coma-inducing sitting. For a food writer, this was like getting tapped to summit Everest. Except that my mountain would be one of carbs and sugar.

I had trained for this and now opportunity had collided with preparation. I was ready.

25 dishes in one sitting certainly sounds like a lot, but let me reiterate to you just how massive this menu truly is. There are over 250 permanent items served at the Cheesecake Factory, each one of them scratch-made (shout-out to kitchen staff). In order to get a nice variety and represent a mix of classics and cult favorites, I chose 25 items with help from other Uproxx staffers and The Cheesecake Factory team. There’s a certain cloak and dagger aspect among the latter group when it comes to identifying bestsellers, but they did steer me back on track in a few places.

You’ll see that I separated everything I tasted into five categories (which are also ordered, based on my preference) defined by whether or not you should prioritize ordering these dishes. Hopefully, this will help the next time you find yourself at The Cheesecake Factory, frantically skimming through the menu and trying to settle on something before stuffing yourself full of bread (which I also ranked). I also listed the calories, which feels a little dickish of me. Feel free to ignore calorie counts in the “great” and “must try” sections. You don’t go to this temple to gluttony to be healthy!

Must-Skip

Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes

Calories: 1340

Ranked lowest on our list is the Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes, a combination of sweet masa cakes topped with Sour Cream, Salsa, Avocado, and what the Factory calls “Salsa Verde,” which I’m going to get into in a bit because that deserves its own paragraph. It’s not that the Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes are bad, they taste pretty good actually, with giant corn kernels embedded in sweet corn cakes, and the presentation is *chef’s kiss* but I don’t really get what the Factory was going for with these. They’re so sweet it’s almost a dessert, but it’s topped with some avocado and tomato, so it’s not a dessert, and also… I couldn’t help but feel like these were missing something.

Meat, they were missing meat. I think that would have tied these together.

Now let’s get into this “salsa.” I don’t know who told Cheesecake Factory that salsa was supposed to be creamy but it’s not. Calling this “salsa” isn’t even an apt description of what it is — it’s thick and much more akin to some sort of gravy and it has absolutely no heat to it. Not even the slightest bit of heat, and I’m not just saying that because I grew up with Mexican food in the home and know how to make my own salsa. This is so devoid of heat you can give it to a baby. In fact, I didn’t know it was salsa until I read the menu in preparation for writing this entry.

The Bottom Line

These look a lot cooler than they actually are. I can’t imagine any solid reason to order these.

Factory Nachos

Calories: 2670

Whether or not you like these are contingent on if you have good Mexican food in your area and if your idea of nachos is whatever they serve at the movie theater. Seriously, these are glorified glammed-up movie theater nachos featuring tortilla chips, smothered with cheese, an impossible to share scoop of guacamole, chaotically dispersed red chile sauce, sour cream, pickled jalapeños, green onions, and more salsa. Both the salsa and the red chili sauce are overly sweet, and, like the sweet corn cakes, these nachos are missing meat.

Great nachos don’t need meat. But these nachos don’t have beans either!

No beans, no meat, green onions (why?), no cilantro — I’m sorry but the Factory Nachos don’t do nachos justice. Is this fun to eat while chilling with friends and watching the game? Sure, but you can easily make your own game day nachos with canned beans, a block of Monterey Jack, some fresh peppers, cilantro, and onion, toss that in the oven at 450 for about 10 minutes, and put slices from a ripe avocado right on top. Then you’ll save some money, and calories, which will give you the chance to order something more delicious at the Cheesecake Factory.

The Bottom Line

A gourmet version of movie theater/baseball stadium nachos.

Factory Burrito Grande

Calories: 2150

You might be sensing a theme here so I’ll just come out and say it — The Cheesecake Factory doesn’t know how to make Mexican food. For the record, that doesn’t offend me. I don’t, as a Mexican American, have some sort of vendetta against The Cheesecake Factory’s attempts at my cultural cuisine. No this offends me much more as a food writer and a person who loves burritos of all kinds — SF burritos, classic bean and cheese, homemade burritos, breakfast burritos — because, like the nachos, this offering isn’t what it really says it is.

This thing is gargantuan and sits in a mole-based sauce, making it akin to a wet burrito. The burrito is stuffed with chicken, white rice, let me say that again, white rice, onions, peppers, and cilantro (they do have cilantro!) with a side of guacamole, sour cream, salsa, and black beans. Beans, sour cream, and guacamole on the side? Okay, Cheesecake Factory.

If “mole sauce” scares you, know that this is pretty mild as far as mole sauce goes – the flavor isn’t too intense but does give off a mild lingering heat. While I think the construction of this burrito is all off, I will say that the tortilla is amazing with a great gummy texture that soaks up the flavors nicely. But that still doesn’t make it order-worthy.

The Bottom Line

Not what anyone wants from a burrito. This is really a BINO — burrito in name only. Please, I beg of you, if you want a burrito just go to your nearest non-corporate burrito spot and order one there.

Good But Forgettable

Pepperoni Flatbread Pizza

Calories: 1110

Kicking off our list of the “Good but Forgettable” dishes is the Pepperoni Flatbread. There isn’t anything wrong with this flatbread pizza, it’s a pretty solid mini pepperoni pizza served on a surprisingly airy dough (it’s not particularly flat), and perfectly crisped pepperoni cups, but it just feels uneventful in comparison to the other dishes I tried. It’s another one of those situations where I gotta ask, “if you want pizza, why are you are the Cheesecake Factory?”

The fact that you’re at a Cheesecake Factory in the first place means that you’re at a mall, which means a Sbarro is just a few steps away. Sbarro doesn’t make the best pizza, but at least it’s a real slice and not on a rectangular crust-less flatbread and will probably cost you a fraction of what this will. Ask for an extra serving of the table bread if you need a carb-loaded snack because this is the most forgettable pizza you’ll ever eat at a restaurant.

The Bottom Line

Why are you ordering pizza at the Cheesecake Factory?

Fettucine Alfredo

Calories:: 1450

As far as chain restaurant Fettucine Alfredos goes, Cheesecake Factory has the best. Having said that, this is still just boring old stock fettuccine alfredo. There just isn’t anything to say here. The sauce is thick and creamy, the noodles are cooked al dente, giving this dish a nice bite, but that’s everything worth mentioning. You could spice it up by adding chicken to it, but if the Cheesecake Factory simply added broccoli or mushrooms to this dish, it would instantly level it up.

As it is, it’s good, but you’re never going to remember that time you had fettucine alfredo at the Cheesecake Factory.

The Bottom Line

Great for chain restaurant fettuccine alfredo but that’s not saying much. Still, it is a considerable leap above what Olive Garden offers.

Loaded Baked Potato Tots

Calories:1030

I’m not the biggest fan of tater tots. I get that they have a nostalgic allure to them for a lot of people, but it’s gotta be one of my least favorite form factors for potatoes. Cheesecake Factory must feel the same way, because they’ve taken every effort to dress these up, stuffing them with bacon, green onions, and cheese, before breading and oven baking them. This makes each bite an exciting burst of savory flavor that doesn’t even need the sour cream or sriracha mayo dipping sauce that comes served alongside them.

Having said that, the sauce definitely kicks things up to the next level. I’m going to suggest the sriracha mayo over the sour cream, it adds a nice bit of sweet chili heat to these perfectly baked tots.

The Bottom Line

If you have warm nostalgic feelings in your heart for tater tots, these might strike your fancy. If you recognize that the tater tot is the lamest form of fried potatoes, these aren’t going to change your mind.

Good

Almond-Crusted Salmon Salad

Calories: 1650

I’m not the biggest fish salad fan, so take this one with a grain of salt — maybe it deserves to be in the “great” category — but for me, this one was… just okay. Featuring a pan-seared almond encrusted salmon atop mixed greens, kale, Brussel sprouts, avocado, tomato, quinoa, cranberries and radishes, tossed in a simple vinaigrette, this salad is incredibly fresh and light. The cranberry raisins add a nice burst of tartness, and the hidden chunks of avocado embedded in the lettuce are always a pleasant surprise. The fish is cooked perfectly, flaking off with the gentlest stab of the fork.

The use of a vinaigrette over a heavier dressing is appreciated — it makes for a harmonious mix of flavors. Definitely worth a try for fish salad fans.

The Bottom Line

Fresh and light, this salad will fill you up without making you feel heavy… if you’re into that sort of thing.

Pasta Da Vinci

Calories: 1180

It pains me to see Pasta Da Vinci land in the middle of this list because, until this tasting, this was my go-to Cheesecake Factory order. Turns out I’ve been slumming it. Pasta da Vinci features sautéed chunks of juicy white meat chicken, tossed with mushrooms and onions in a savory and complex Madeira wine sauce served over penne pasta with parmesan cheese. The flavors all work great here, offering a heavy umami-forward pasta that will make your mouth water between bites. The sweetness of the onions provides a nice counterpart to the dish’s deeper savory flavors.

All in all, this is a good pasta dish. But The Factory has better.

The Bottom Line

A delicious umami-forward pasta, but far from The Cheesecake Factory’s best.

Miso Salmon

Calories: 1340

I have to hand it to the Cheesecake Factory, the glazed salmon that tops their Miso Salmon dish is probably the best salmon I’ve ever had from a chain restaurant. It’s fresh and perfectly flakey, tearing apart with the slightest touch of a fork, with a crispy crust that adds a nice mouthfeel to each bite. The flavors are focused and direct, but overall I just wanted more out of this dish. The salmon is served atop a bed of white rice that is sitting in a miso sauce with a side of snow peas that really works more as a garnish than as an accompaniment to the dish.

The presentation is beautiful, but I wanted something that paired nicely with the out-of-this-world salmon, and white rice and miso just aren’t doing it for me. It ranks in the “Good” category on the quality of the salmon alone.

The Bottom Line

A delicious glazed salmon dish, I just wish the sides were as inspired as the salmon itself.

Korean Fried Cauliflower

Calories: 1150

Fried cauliflower tossed in sauce is the best thing to ever happen to cauliflower. It just works, it doesn’t matter that this is meant to mimic chicken, this is just a fun way to enjoy cauliflower without getting any of that, you know, cauliflower taste. These are essentially just a vehicle for sauce. Don’t get hung up on the name, aside from a sweet and spicy Gochujang-based sauce, and I guess the use of rice flour, these aren’t in any way Korean. Cheesecake Factory, you can’t just open up a bottle of Gochujang and call a dish “Korean,” but — cultural appropriation aside — these are pretty damn good.

The toasted sesame seeds and green onion act as a negligible garnish, as all of the flavor is in the sweet and mildly spicy sauce. That subtle heat is going to make it so that you’re unable to stop eating these things, which is okay. Just tell yourself it’s cauliflower and you won’t have to feel any guilt. Until you realize that somehow an entire order is over 1000 calories. The cauliflower will come with a single lime wedge, definitely squeeze that over the whole dish as that burst of tartness adds a nice dimension to the flavor profile.

The Bottom Line

The only way to eat cauliflower at The Factory.

Chicken Parm Pizza Style

Calories: 1940

I have a lot of fun explaining this dish to people. It might be easy to understand in the written word, but when explaining it to people out loud they almost never know what the hell I’m talking about. This dish isn’t a pizza — it’s a giant piece of white meat chicken flattened out into a disk, coated with bread crumbs, slathered with marinara and melted mozzarella, and topped with forgettable chopped angel hair pasta in a barely-there alfredo cream sauce. Cutting off a slice and holding it in your hand will make you feel like it’s pizza, but it’s not. There is no bread in this thing, that’s all meat. How did they make the chicken so wide and round? Who the f*ck knows.

The Chicken Parm Pizza is good, it’s just a really weird way to enjoy chicken parmesan, and the breading isn’t nearly crispy enough. The whole time you’re eating it you’ll be asking yourself: “Would I have just preferred a regular standard chicken parm? Do I really just want breaded fried chicken on top of a regular pizza?” The answer to both questions is “yes.” Order this if you’re curious, but otherwise, there are better things on the menu more worth your time.

The Bottom Line

Again, it’s not pizza… it’s a giant flat piece of chicken breast meat. Stop thinking about the work it took to make it this wide and try to enjoy it.

Oreo Dream Extreme

Calories: 1600

Of the four desserts I tried, the Oreo Dream Extreme was my least favorite, so it’s landing in the “Good” category. Sorry, Oreo fans. This thing has actual Oreos baked into Cheesecake Factory’s cheesecake with fudge cake layers, Oreo-based mousse, and milk chocolate icing. Each bite provides a nice balance of sweet cheesecake and rich chocolatey goodness, but it feels… maybe a little too decadent. Cheesecake is already so rich that it’s hard to eat an entire slice and this is probably the richest form of cheesecake ever conceptualized.

Order it if you absolutely love Oreos, but if it sounds crazy to you and like it’ll make your stomach hurt, I’m here to confirm — it is and it will. Of course, I was in the process of eating 25 dishes in one sitting…

The Bottom Line

Great if you love Oreos, but just a little too decadent and extreme to come at the end of a meal.

Great

BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad

Calories: 1250

We’re now officially in the “Great” category and to usher us into some of Cheesecake Factory’s best dishes, we have the BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad. This one is heavy, featuring wedges of avocado, tomatoes, bits of grilled corn, and savory black beans, served atop romaine lettuce tossed in BBQ ranch dressing, with cucumber adding a refreshing top note to the otherwise heavy flavors, and crispy fried onion rings adding some nice crunch to the whole thing.

Because the dressing is cut between ranch and bbq sauce, it doesn’t feel overly creamy and pairs perfectly with the grilled chicken pieces, with the black beans balancing out any sweetness imparted by the bbq. As everything on this salad is separated, you’re going to want to give it a good toss to mix the flavors around. This is the type of salad you order for the table and share or take home for multiple servings.

The Bottom Line

A delicious hearty salad that’s perfect to share with a full table.

Bacon-Bacon Burger

Calories: 1520

Restaurant burgers are almost always good, and Cheesecake Factory’s Bacon-Bacon burger really takes things to the next level. This is one of the best burgers you can grab at a national chain, forget all about Red Robin, Ruby’s, Applebees, TGIF, etc. The bacon on this baby is insane, each strip is thick, crispy, and properly rendered. The fat hasn’t been burnt off, but it’s not in the least bit chewy, providing you a crispy bite full of flavor and smokey savory goodness on top of a thick piece of ground beef (cooked medium) and topped with American and cheddar cheese, giving you the perfect melt with a nutty, complex, mild cheddar flavor.

Pulling all the flavors together is a mayo-based special sauce, but honestly, this burger is so full of juicy flavor that I think you can actually completely ditch the sauce, which can’t be said for most burgers out there.

The Bottom Line

The best bacon burger you’re likely to find at a national restaurant chain.

Fresh Strawberry Cheesecake

Calories: 1000

It should surprise nobody that a place called the Cheesecake Factory makes great cheesecake. This is a great slice of cheesecake, topped with fresh strawberries glazed in a sweet syrup that helps to add some brightness and a little bit of tang to this supremely rich dessert. If you’re turned off by the sometimes sour qualities of cheesecake, this has almost none of that. Although this cheesecake is about as basic as you can get, the individual flavors that make this thing up really nail the job they’re tasked with. The simple graham cracker crust adds hints of nutmeg and cinnamon, which give depth and complexity to the rich egg and fresh cheese base.

I almost always prefer fresh unaltered strawberries to the syrup glazed variety, but the sugary syrup really helps to meld the flavors together here, making the strawberries truly feel a part of this cheesecake, instead of merely a topping.

The Bottom Line

A classic and the restaurant’s namesake for a reason. If you love cheesecake, this one is damn good.

Sourdough/Sweet Wheat Loaf

Calories: 260/370

Everybody makes a big fuss about Olive Garden breadsticks which, I just don’t understand, because The Cheesecake Factory’s table bread is about 10 times better. Your options here are simple, at your table your server will bring you a mix of sourdough and Sweet oat-encrusted wheat bread, both of which pair amazingly with butter. There isn’t a lot I can really say about bread, but if I had to choose one over the other it’s definitely going to be the wheat. It has a sweet earthy flavor with crusty oats that is legitimately craveable.

The Bottom Line

Yes, indulge yourself and eat that table bread. It’s worth the extra carbs.

Steak Diane

Calories: 1150

This is some damn good steak. It’s simple, seasoned with little more than freshly crushed black pepper, a mushroom-based wine sauce, and some sweet onions, but each bite is bursting with flavor. The steak has a nice chew, with a great charred flavor that pairs perfectly with the earthy notes of pepper. The onion and mushroom wine sauce really ensure that each bite is juicy and tender and the whole thing is served alongside creamy and buttery mashed potatoes, which act as a nice palate cleanser that allows you to experience the intensity of that first bite of Steak Diane over and over again.

The Bottom Line

A round of applause for whoever the hell Diane is, this savory steak is a highlight of the menu.

Chicken and Biscuits

Calories: 1940

While I don’t think the Cheesecake Factory’s Chicken and Biscuits is a dish you absolutely need to try, it is definitely one of my all-time favorite dishes on the menu. This dish is heavily indulgent, featuring chunks of chicken breast smothered in pan gravy alongside mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, mushrooms, and the best part of the entire dish — two perfectly baked biscuits. The gravy ensures that each bite of juicy chicken is savory. The gravy is really delicious, it’s not too heavy and has a runny more sauce-like consistency with a pepper-forward flavor that pairs nicely with the chicken and mashed potatoes, and serves as the perfect dipping sauce for your sweet and buttery biscuits.

I really wish Cheesecake factory offered the biscuits as a table bread, they’re dense without being dry, with a nice buttery and crunchy top. That said, this is the type of dish that’s going to knock you into a food coma, so be aware that this is just as heavy as you imagine it would be.

The Bottom Line

Heavy and comforting, it isn’t exactly the chicken and biscuits of southern cooking, but it’s a delicious chain-based interpretation.

Chicken Madeira

Calories: 1180

The Chicken Madeira has a great flavor, but something about it didn’t quite stick out at my tasting. When I started to dive into the leftovers at home, I really started to understand just how great this dish is. The Madeira features juicy bites of chicken breast served alongside asparagus with slivers of mozzarella cheese on top, all smothered in an umami-packed mushroom Madeira sauce and a side of red-skinned mashed potatoes. The best way to enjoy these flavors is to mix them all together and enjoy.

The Bottom Line

This is easily one of the Factories five best chicken dishes.

Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich

Calories: 1090

I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the culinary wonder that is the chicken sandwich so I was fully ready to hit this with some serious scrutiny. But I’m happy to report that Cheesecake Factory’s fried chicken sandwich is f*cking astounding. You can order this sandwich with either spicy buffalo sauce or chipotle mayo, but honestly, either sauce isn’t going to blow you away as much as the chicken itself. It’s juicy and tender and melts in the mouth as soon as you start to chew it, and the flaky crispy batter provides a great crunch and mouthfeel.

The sandwich sits atop a sesame seed brioche bun and is topped with melted jack cheese. The only thing that could make this sandwich better would be the inclusion of bacon, but this sandwich is so big and hearty that you don’t really need it. You might get some sideways glances for ordering a chicken sandwich at Cheesecake Factory, but the mere sight of this thing will make every person sitting at your table feel like they made a mistake by passing on it.

The Bottom Line

Way better than a chicken sandwich from the Cheesecake Factory should be. If you think the height of chicken sandwiches is Popeyes, prepare to have your mind blown.

Must-Try

Carrot Cake

The Cheesecake Factory’s Carrot Cake is so damn good that they should change their name to The Carrot Cake Factory (okay, not my best joke — but also not as hyperbolic as it sounds). This is some high-quality carrot cake, sporting three layers of cake and cream cheese with chunky walnuts and julienned carrots encrusted into the cake, offering a bite that has more texture than cake should, but a flavor that makes it all work.

The cake is moist and way easier to eat than cheesecake since it’s not quite as rich, but you still get that sweetened cream cheese flavor. I like this a lot better than the standard cheesecake, but it still isn’t the best dessert dish I’ve ever had at The Factory, that’s still to come.

The Bottom Line

I promise you, it’s better than the cheesecake.

Fried Macaroni and Cheese

Calories: 1310

If it seems like this is waaaaaaaaaay too high to rank mac and cheese, I get you. But Cheesecake Factory’s Fried Macaroni and Cheese takes your standard mac and cheese and levels it up. The best macaroni and cheese has an oven-baked cheesy crust on it, The Factory elevates that idea by coating balls of creamy mac and cheese in crispy bread crumbs, which provides this usually soft and chewy dish with some much-needed crunch. The result is a dish with a satisfying mouthfeel that reveals molten bites of melted cheese and pasta.

The whole thing is served over a creamy marinara sauce, which adds some nice optional brightness to the dish. It’s not needed, but it’s appreciated. Cut into one of these fried cheese balls with your fork, dredge it across the creamy marinara and bite! You’ll quickly find that this is going to be a must-order app every time you visit.

The Bottom Line

The perfect form factor for macaroni and cheese.

Egg Roll Sampler

Calories: 1340

I was originally going to break up the Egg Roll Sampler into entries for each individual egg roll, but ordering the dish is such a fun experience that I’m going to go ahead and suggest you get the sampler for the table, instead of just your favorite flavor. The four flavors include Cheesecake Factory’s Avocado, Tex Mex, Cheeseburger, and Chicken Taquito egg rolls, and while there is a definite hierarchy to these they all offer a good flavor paired with a delicious sauce.

I’ll start with what I think is the most forgettable egg roll — the Cheeseburger. It’s what it sounds like, a cheeseburger in the form of an egg roll, with ground beef and cheese inside paired with a thousand island-style dipping sauce. It’s a weird way to eat a cheeseburger, but it’s crazy how well they nailed the flavor notes.

Moving on to what is sure to be my editor’s favorite, the Avocado Egg Roll, which is served with a pesto dipping sauce. The roll has some sun-dried tomatoes which add salty brightness, but this egg roll just strikes me as a little too sweet for my liking. If you live for all things avocado this is an easy pick-up, but for me it was just a little too soft, lacking that egg roll crunch you expect to get.

I know I talked a lot of trash about the Factory’s poor attempts at Mexican food, but both the Chicken Taquito and Tex Mex eggrolls are mind-blowingly delicious. The Chicken Taquito tastes like a crunchy, bite-sized chicken enchilada and is served with a creamy avocado-based sauce. The flavors are intense and each bite is surprisingly juicy. But no eggroll can top the Tex Mex, which features tender pieces of white meat chicken with corn, cilantro, and sundried tomatoes served with the closest thing to actual salsa that Cheesecake Factory serves.

This is easily a must-order. You’re guaranteed to have a better eating experience by starting off your meal with this appetizer.

The Bottom Line

Why choose one of the eggrolls when you can just get them all?

Godiva Chocolate Brownie Sundae

Calories: 1760

If you order one dessert at the Cheesecake Factory, it has to be this Godiva Chocolate Brownie Sundae. It may seem weird to go to the Cheesecake Factory and not order you know, cheesecake, or hell even cake, but nothing beats this. Creamy scoops of vanilla ice cream topped with whipped cream and hot fudge are wedged between two dense and chewy Godiva chocolate brownies, with bites of toasted almonds scattered across the whole thing. I highly suggest shaving off a chunk of the brownie with your spoon, letting it sit in the hot fudge, and then spooning some vanilla and whip cream on top of that for the perfect bite.

It’s moist, decadent, and refreshing in a way that cheesecake just isn’t. It doesn’t have the richness of cheesecake, but it’s way easier to share and frankly, looks more impressive on the plate.

The Bottom Line

Cheesecake Factory’s best dessert, hands down.

Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta

Calories: 1760

Cheesecake Factory’s food is at its best when its food matches the restaurant’s equally all-over-the-place architecture. The Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta, with its mix of chicken, asparagus, bell peppers, peas, garlic, and onions in a spicy Chipotle parmesan cream sauce sounds like some sort of cooking show challenge, but I promise you this dish presents a world of flavors that’ll have you addicted to The Factory. The chicken is glazed in honey, giving it an initial sweet taste that pairs well with the chipotle cream sauce. It’s not quite as spicy as I had hoped, but the refreshing mix of red and yellow bell peppers and the asparagus pairs interestingly with the earthy fried tortilla chips that garnish this dish.

It sounds and looks all over the place, but it delivers visually and on the palate.

The Bottom Line

What sounds like a disaster on the menu translates to a delicious mix of flavors. It’s not spicy, but it’s definitely good.

Cajun Jambalaya Pasta

Calories: 1560

The reason we decided to break up this food ranking into categories, rather than numbers, is because it feels a little unfair to rank something like a salmon salad against a brownie chocolate sundae. But if I absolutely had to pick what I think the best tasting dish at the Cheesecake Factory is, it would be an equal toss-up between the Cajun Jambalaya Pasta and the Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta.

Both dishes promise spice — the former has the word “spicy” right in the name and this dish is described as being served in a spicy cajun sauce — and while neither delivers on that front, the Jambalaya pasta offers mouthfuls of intense flavor that I highly recommend (even to anti-chain restaurant food snobs).

Tasting this, I got notes of onion, smoked paprika, earthy black pepper, and oregano, and the slightest hint of cayenne pepper, which provided a subtle heat on the palate, but not one strong enough that this is going to turn off people who can’t handle spice, as it’s very easy to eat. Giant chunks of shrimp and chicken breast make this dish extra hearty and the spinach linguine everything sits atop is a nice touch that never feels too heavy. This dish truly delivers a journey of flavors. The shrimp isn’t fishy, offering a clean and remarkably fresh flavor, with bites of fresh tomato that provide juicy bright bursts to offset this plate’s umami bomb qualities.

An absolute winner. You can eat the whole thing on a bed of rice, but I say give the spinach linguine a try — you won’t be disappointed.

The Bottom Line

Cheesecake Factory’s best pasta. Period.

Over the weekend, the Phoenix Suns prevailed over the Los Angeles Clippers in a matchup that doubled as the lowest-scoring NBA game of the 2020-21 season. Beyond the trivia of the 84-80 rock fight, the Suns also took a 3-1 series lead in the 2021 Western Conference Finals and, by proxy, placed the Clippers in a win-or-go-home position for Game 5 in Phoenix. With their backs against the wall and shorthanded without Kawhi Leonard or Ivica Zubac, the Clippers bounced back on Monday, outlasting the Suns by a 116-102 margin to keep their title hopes alive.

After an offense-challenged performance in Game 4, the Clippers came out firing on Monday. Los Angeles scored the first seven points of the game within 75 seconds and, with the help of 9-of-11 shooting, the Clippers led 20-5 at the outset.

Part of that early onslaught could be attributed to Marcus Morris. The veteran, starting at center in place of Ivica Zubac, made his first six shots in the first seven minutes and, at one point, Morris was out-scoring the Suns by a 13-12 margin by himself.

Los Angeles scored 25 points in the first seven minutes but, just as they appeared to be firing on all cylinders, Phoenix made their first run. The Suns scored nine consecutive points, cutting the deficit to four and seemingly making the Clippers uncomfortable for the first time. However, Los Angeles managed to push their advantage back up to 36-26 at the end of the first quarter, riding 13 points from Morris and 12 points from Reggie Jackson to go along with 65 percent shooting as a team.

With Zubac out, the Clippers also turned to DeMarcus Cousins, and his minutes provided positive early returns. In fact, Cousins scored 10 points in his first five minutes on the floor, keying a 12-4 run that gave Los Angeles a 44-30 lead.

In keeping with the theme of the first half, the Suns countered in short order. Phoenix scored the next 12 points, climbing within just a two-point margin at 44-42.

The remainder of the first half went toward the Clippers, though, as Los Angeles never trailed before halftime in holding a 59-52 advantage. While the visitors didn’t shoot the lights out from the perimeter, the Clippers out-scored the Suns by a 34-8 margin in the paint, and only the three-point line and some brilliant play from Devin Booker (19 points in the first half) kept Phoenix within striking distance.

Phoenix kicked off the third quarter in style, using a 10-2 run to take their first lead of the entire game at 62-61. That success was short-lived, though, as the Clippers reeled off an immediate 10-0 run to regain control, eventually pushing their edge to 82-70 after a pair of three-pointers from Paul George and Patrick Beverley. The back-and-forth nature of the quarter was intriguing but fireworks also arrived between Beverley and Chris Paul, with the former drawing a controversial Flagrant-1 foul that to a five-point possession for Phoenix.

Eventually, the Clippers threw a haymaker late in the third quarter, scoring the final seven points of the period. That gave Los Angeles a 13-point lead and George was heavily responsible, as the All-Star wing scored 20 points in the third quarter alone.

With George off the floor to begin the fourth quarter, the Suns began a comeback bid behind Booker. The talented guard scored six points in 90 seconds, flashing his shotmaking arsenal, and Paul connected on a jumper to complete an 8-0 run that trimmed the margin to 96-91.

Right as things were teetering for Los Angeles as the Suns cut it to a four-point spread, the Clippers put together arguably their best stretch of the evening. Led by eight points from Jackson and more heroics from George, the Clippers pushed their edge to 112-96 with four minutes remaining, effectively putting the game away for good.

With their season on the line, the Clippers produced a monumentally impressive performance, particularly on the offensive side. Los Angeles shot 55 percent from the floor with 58 points in the paint, and they continued to be aggressive throughout the night. George was electric with 41 points, 13 rebounds and six assists in 40 minutes, with Jackson adding 23 points and Morris scoring 22 points in support.

On the Phoenix side, Booker enjoyed a productive performance with 31 points, and Cam Johnson added 14 points and three steals in a very strong effort in reserve duty. However, Deandre Ayton and Chris Paul scuffled throughout the night and the Suns couldn’t generate enough stops to secure the Game 5 win that would have sent them to the 2021 NBA Finals.

From here, the series shifts back to Los Angeles for Game 6. While the Suns remain the favorites to advance with two chances to win one game, the Clippers once again displayed impressive resilience and they will have a chance to force a Game 7 by holding serve at Staples Center on Wednesday evening.

Donald Trump Jr. wasn’t always sure what to do with his life, but in the last five-plus years he’s found a purpose: He’s his father’s most unhinged hype man. Since his dad lost re-election in November, his videos have gone even further into the ether. Bleary-eyed, slurry, incoherent rants have become de rigueur for the 45th president’s oldest (and possibly jailbound) son, prompting much speculation about what may have inspired their ostentatious battiness. But his latest has people kind of worried about his health.

It’s not clear where it was posted, and only a 30-second clip has been making the rounds. (He did just join Cameo, incidentally.) But it finds an even more amped-up than usual Don Jr., on some kind of unfollowable nonsense about Biden and Putin and also…McDonald’s? It seems to (maybe) be about his father’s successor trying to get the Russian president to not spy on him. Or something. Hunter’s in there, too. If there was a larger, more coherent point Jr. was making, it’s not evident from this clip, which manages to meander, even in 30 seconds, all while drowning in bitter sarcasm.

People usually mock Don Jr. over these videos, but this one, people felt, was particularly off the deep end. And many thought maybe he should seek help for whatever’s wrong with him.

Others simply made jokes about you know what.

Or maybe it’s genetic.

Some advised him to maybe write it down first.

And others joked that someone may have paid a lot of money for this.

Of course, Don Jr. has reason to worry. D.C. prosecutors are coming for some of his posse, while his sister’s in trouble, too. And of course, there’s his dad, who has his own problems.

Tucker Carlson has a lot of interesting theories. The Jan. 6 insurrection was no big deal. Alternately, it was a big deal and it was cooked up by the FBI. (To say nothing of him floating actual white supremacist chatter.) On Monday he had a new whopper: He’s being spied on by the National Security Agency, and he has irrefutable proof (which he didn’t share with his viewers).

As per The Daily Beast, the Fox News superstar circled back to his FBI false flag theory, which has been roundly debunked, which means of course that he’s continued asserting its legitimacy. He softened the language a bit, now claiming the feds had “sources in that crowd, confidential sources, snitches,” adding that this is “100 percent certain.” (Ron Howard voice: It isn’t.)

He then insisted the FBI had other fish to fry, namely, him. “But it’s not just political protests that the government is spying on,” Carlson told his many viewers. “Yesterday, we heard from a whistleblower within the U.S. government who reached out to warn us that the NSA, the National Security Agency, is monitoring our electronic communications and is planning to leak them in an attempt to take this show off the air.”

It was a bewildering claim, big if true. And Carlson assured his audience that an agent definitely contacted him about something he can’t talk about.

“The whistleblower who is in a position to know repeated back to us information about a story that we are working on that could have only come directly from my texts and emails,” Carlson claimed. “There’s no other possible source for that information. Period. They did it for political reasons. The Biden administration is spying on us. We have confirmed that.”

Carlson then said he’d filed a Freedom of Information Act, to see what material the government has on him. “Only Congress can force transparency on the intelligence agencies and they should do that immediately,” Carlson said. “Spying on opposition journalists is incompatible with democracy. They are doing it to us and again, they are definitely doing it to us, they are almost certainly doing it to others. This is scary and we need to stop it right away.”

But not even rightwingers were buying it.

Nor were anti-Trump Republicans.

Some marveled at Carlson’s ignorance of how things work.

And others just thought it was yet another tall Tucker claim.

(Via The Daily Beast)

Now that the world knows how Britney Spears herself feels about her conservatorship, it’s all but impossible for anyone to stand by and not show support for the embattled pop star. Earlier today her sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, clarified why she herself hasn’t been public with her support of Britney until now, saying she wanted to let the world hear what Britney had to say first. Another of her closest peers, Christina Aguilera, was moved to speak out in support of Britney today too in a lengthy Twitter thread where she reflects on the “mental and emotional damage” that a betrayal of this level can create.

“These past few days I’ve been thinking about Britney and everything she is going through,” Aguilera began, sharing an adorable photo of the two young musicians together. “It is unacceptable that any woman, or human, wanting to be in control of their own destiny might not be allowed to live life as they wish. To be silenced, ignored, bullied or denied support by those “close” to you is the most depleting, devastating and demeaning thing imaginable. The harmful mental and emotional damage this can take on a human spirit is nothing to be taken lightly. Every woman must have the right to her own body, her own reproductive system, her own privacy, her own space, her own healing and her own happiness. While I am not behind the closed doors of this very layered & personal yet public conversation – all I can do is share from my heart on what I’ve heard, read and seen in the media. The conviction and desperation of this plea for freedom leads me to believe that this person I once knew has been living without compassion or decency from those in control. To a woman who has worked under conditions and pressure unimaginable to most, I promise you she deserves all of the freedom possible to live her happiest life. My heart goes out to Britney. She deserves all the TRUE love and support in the world.

Here’s hoping the media attention and celebrity support will lead to what seems to be the best outcome for Britney — ending this terrible saga of her life and starting fresh.

America has a major problem right now with right wing extremism. Merrick Garland, the current Attorney General, even believes that domestic terrorism is again on the rise, as it was circa the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995. But on Monday morning, Right Wing Watch — a longtime leftwing watchdog of the kind of conservative extremism Garland’s worried about — learned that they had been permanently banned from YouTube, only to be reinstated later that day.

According to The Daily Beast, the site was informed by YouTube that they’d violated “community guidelines.” No details were provided. When they appealed, they were rejected.

But later they received a message from the video streaming service, telling them they’d been “mistakenly suspended,” but that “upon further review,” their permanent suspension had been lifted.

The problem isn’t new. Right Wing Watch, senior fellow Kyle Mantyla told the Beast, has had ongoing problems with YouTube for years, forcing them to repeatedly assure them that they were reporting on extremism, not broadcasting it. They’ve even had to stress that they have disclaimers on their videos saying as much. Those issues, Mantyla says, increased over the last year, as they’ve combated COVID-19 and 2020 election misinformation.

YouTube has a three-strike, and they awarded Right Wing Watch two of them in April over videos they published. They even refrained from publishing for 90 days, when the strikes dropped. Mantyla claims they dug up “some video from eight years ago,” and flagged that as their third strike. The service took them down last week, and it wasn’t until Monday morning that they learned their appeal had been rejected. But now they’re back up.

Right Wing Watch is an off-shoot of the longtime liberal nonprofit People For the American Way, and it was launched in 2007. Since then it has posted thousands of videos, all of which were jettisoned in the since reneged upon YouTube purge. Meanwhile, many of the outlets and personalities Right Wing Watch has covered for their extremist positions are not suspended or banned, as they briefly were.

(Via The Daily Beast)

The Los Angeles Clippers are one game away from their offseason arriving earlier than they hoped for the second straight season, as they will face the Suns in Phoenix needing a Game 5 win to extend the series. L.A. has been within striking distance in all of their three losses to Phoenix, as evidenced by the Clippers actually having a positive net rating in a series they’re losing, but part of their issue has been that they are without their top closer in Kawhi Leonard.

Paul George has been terrific in Leonard’s absence, putting to rest a lot of the narrative around his playoff struggles, as have Reggie Jackson, Terance Mann, and others, but Kawhi’s absence looms large in the lack of on-ball creativity as well as having another elite defender to apply ball pressure to the Suns’ backcourt stars. Mann in particular has turned heads, bringing some much needed energy on both ends to the Clippers both as a reserve and a starter at times, filling part of the Leonard role.

Still, the takeaway from this Conference Finals for most seems to be that the Clippers are a contender that’s short a superstar at the moment due to injury. However, for the sports world’s foremost takesmith, Stephen A. Smith, he sees something different. He sees that it’s time for a changing of the guard and that L.A. should just let him walk in free agency this summer (Leonard has an opt out), citing Mann’s energy as a major reason on top of Leonard’s injury history.

It is just an incredible Stephen A. take that I’m not even sure he fully believes, but he’s still going to let it fly. Any time he starts by couching a take this hard, noting that Kawhi is still an elite, top-5 talent in the NBA, you know it’s going to be a wild ride. If you’re the Clippers, the only way you sell this is if Leonard chooses to go elsewhere and you need to spin it around, but there is no world where they’re saying “yes, we are going to build around Terance Mann instead.” For one, you don’t have to choose between the two, as Mann is under contract and next year you can just give him a bigger role.

There’s also the issue of the Clippers, at most, having $6 million in cap space even if Kawhi leaves, and most likely they’ll be over the cap even if he does. As such, it’s not like they can replace Kawhi with a different star level guy, they’d be replacing him exclusively with Mann and, like, a mid-level exception guy. I do applaud Stephen A. for being willing to not only think up this take but to fire it off on national television, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the Clippers won’t be listening to his advice.

Republicans are currently in the unusual position of hating the U.S. military. Last week, General Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, came under fire after refusing to condemn the latest GOP scare tactic, Critical Race Theory, which teaches that, well, the U.S. has had a checkered history (and present) when it comes to how it’s treated non-whites. One thing Milley said really outraged them: That he had read the works of Mao, Marx, and Lenin in order to educate himself, but “that doesn’t make me a Communist.” On Monday’s Fox & Friends, co-host Brian Kilmeade became the latest to take him down…by claiming he’d been made to read Mein Kampf in school.

“I thought general Miley totally missed the point last week,” Kilmeade told guest, Texas representative Dan Crenshaw. “He says ‘Oh I read Mao, I read Stalin’ that has nothing to do with it.” He then dropped an unexpected bombshell. “We read Mein Kampf in school, no one thought we were Nazis, that is part of the curriculum, you find out about other things and other insurgencies, we get it, that has nothing to do with Critical Race Theory.”

It was a curious comment for a number of reasons. One: Was Massapequa High School on Long Island really making its young students read Adolf Hitler’s memoir-cum-manifesto? Two: Wasn’t he making basically the same point that Milley was — that reading works we may not agree with enriches our understanding of the world?

But there was really little to do but make jokes.

Some thought this admission explained a lot.

Some questioned the claim’s veracity.

Others questioned why Kilmeade thinks it’s okay to read Hitler but not accounts of America’s racist past.

And others were drawn to Crenshaw’s “WTF” reaction.