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Game 3 of the Suns-Lakers series saw the series go to L.A. for the first time and the first half featured the intensity of the first two games but not the shot-making we’d come to enjoy from the first two games. Neither team could crack 45 in the first half, as L.A. took a 43-40 lead. The only two players that seemed engaged and at their best were Anthony Davis, who had 12 points, and Deandre Ayton, who had 10. The big man battle was intriguing, but neither got the backcourt support they are accustomed to or hope for.

LeBron James was quiet in the first half with five points, seemingly trying to just get everyone else involved and in a rhythm, which didn’t work as well as he had probably hoped in what was a rock fight of a first half. In the second half, there was no question where LeBron’s head was at, as he recognized it was time to put the Suns away before they could figure out their own offensive woes, scoring 10 points in the first seven minutes of the half, to go along with three assists, as L.A. began to pull away with an extended 21-9 run to open the second half.

Anthony Davis took over from there, as he had 18 of his game-high 34 points in the third quarter to help the Lakers separate to a 76-63 lead going into the fourth quarter.

After a Suns run brought them back within single digits, the Lakers once again asserted themselves to take a 21-point lead early in the fourth as the Suns simply had no answers for the Laker defense. Aside from Ayton’s 22-point, 11-rebound effort, the Suns just didn’t have anyone who could consistently put the ball in the bucket. Devin Booker, after a tremendous first two games in the series, had 17 points on 6-of-19 shooting as he went cold in L.A., and Chris Paul’s continued shoulder issues limited him to a 3-of-8 shooting night as he still just does not have the shooting range. With Booker having an off night and Paul unable to be his normal self, the Lakers defense became suffocating, demanding that anyone else beat them and few of the Suns could answer the call.

Chief among the Suns’ role players struggling is Jae Crowder, who is now 1-for-20 in the series from three-point range after an 0-for-6 night. On top of shooting woes, Crowder continues to have to deal with his personal playoff boogeyman, LeBron James, who seemingly lives to feast on him after their many battles over the years.

In the end, the Lakers rolled to a 109-95 win despite the best efforts of a late Suns spurt, led by a trio of Cam Payne three-pointers in the fourth quarter to make things briefly intriguing. The frustrations of the game came to a boiling point for Booker and Crowder, who got tossed in the final minute after Booker shoved Dennis Schröder to the ground, earning a Flagrant 2, and Crowder was tossed for jawing with the Lakers’ point guard.

L.A. now holds a 2-1 series lead and Game 4 will be very important for Phoenix, as they will need a win to avoid going back home staring elimination in the face. To bounce back, they’ll need to regroup mentally and physically before Sunday’s Game 4, because they looked rattled and frustrated for much of Thursday night.

A murder mystery, a villainess origin story, a quest for an all-important pill, and a long-awaited reunion. Do you want to know where you’ll find the best bang for your buck among the streaming services? As always, there’s so much to choose from that the options are dizzying, so we are here to help you decide which service to (most) devote your time to this weekend. Ideally, we’d name one best option, but as luck would have it, there’s two frontrunners to favor and solid options from the rest.

This week, the top prize goes to HBO Max and Disney+, which are bringing a series finale for Kate Winslet’s return to TV and the O.G. cast of Friends for a one-hitter update, and the Cruella solo film that people never knew they wanted, respectively. Each of these services also offer a buffet of quality backup options, and the other highlighted streaming services won’t leave their subscribers empty-handed for fresh content. Hulu’s got a road-trip film of sorts and an in-case-you-missed-it supervillain series, and Netflix has several new offerings (including a dashing Devil helping to solve crime). Don’t count out Amazon Prime, Apple TV+, or Paramount+’s newest noteworthy selections, either. Let’s get down with what you’ll wanna put in your queues this weekend.

HBO Max

Mare Of Easttown (HBO series streaming on HBO Max) — It’s finale time! Kate Winslet returns not only to TV but to HBO (a decade after her award-winning Mildred Pierce turn) to star as a hard-vaping detective in a small town where she both portrays and elevates the “complicated” cop trope. She’s captivating while digging into a murder mystery that has rocked her small town and caused the community to feel utterly claustrophobic. This show will suck you in, and you won’t mind one bit. Also you’ll be wondering about this: what the heck was in that picture?

Friends: The Reunion (HBO Max feature-length special) — The whole O.G. gang is back in one place, which means that Rachel (Jennifer Aniston), Monica (Courteney Cox), Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow), Chandler (Matthew Perry), Ross (David Schwimmer), and Joey (Matt LeBlanc) are all here. Sadly, Paul Rudd is not on the scene, but there’s a buffay (get it?) of guest stars here to reinforce why this pop-culture phenomenon remains popular to this day, and why, oftentimes, friends can become your family.

Hacks (HBO Max series premiere) — Jean Smart’s not-so-quiet domination of recent prestige TV shows (Fargo, Watchmen, Mare of Easttown, Legion) and other popular shows of late (Big Mouth, Dirty John) has finally culminated with this leading-lady turn in a role she was arguably meant to play. Hacks hails from executive producer Michael Schur and has three Broad City alums in the writers’ room, so get ready for a (Las Vegas) buffet of complex female characters. Smart portrays a legendary comedian who forges a “dark mentorship” to a 20-something newcomer in town. Don’t miss this one.

Pause With Sam Jay (HBO Max series) — Emmy-nominated SNL writer Sam Jay will host a six-episode season that hopes to revamp the late-night talk show format with each episode taking place at Sam’s apartment, where she’s throwing a party. Each group will dive into divisive cultural issues, so get ready for some feisty conversations and, hopefully, a sense of understanding between those who hold different perspectives.

Disney+

Cruella (Disney movie on Disney+) — Yes, Cruella de Vil is finally getting her origin story. Even if you don’t agree that she needed one, no one can argue that Emma Stone is the actress who could deliver a damn good time in this role. Granted, the film starts out slow (the runtime’s over two hours) with a protracted childhood era that doesn’t illustrate much about why she villained out and murdered puppies. Yet it does speed up, with lots of mayhem and a cackling Emma hanging off a truck in a billowing dress. Fashion can be evil! Also, the soundtrack feels like a character in its own right.

Launchpad: Season 1: Discover (Disney+ series) — This group of live-action shorts arrive from newcomer directors, often from minority backgrounds, all of whom want to spread their experiences of family and culture in uplifting ways. Each short this season revolves around the “discover theme,” and all directors worked under mentors from Disney+, Lucasfilm, Marvel Studios, Pixar, Walt Disney Animation Studios, and Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

Inside Pixar: Unpacked (Disney+ series) — This docuseries packs a whole lot into its batch premiere. The season will dive into the artistry and culture within Pixar animation studios and emerge with a look at villains, the character known as “time,” the balance that the studio aims to strike between realistic characters and caricature, and the importance of background characters. The whole thing’s narrated by W. Kamau Bell, so you’re in for an extra special treat.

Star Wars: The Bad Batch: Episode 5 (Disney+ series) — You might prefer to think of this show as the Star Wars franchise’s version of D.C.’s Suicide Squad, but fear no Leto-Joker intrusion. Instead, this The Clone Wars spinoff follows the conclusion of its flagship series that recently wound down on Disney+. Dave Filoni is executive producing, and the show focuses on a mercenary squad of sorts that’s made up of (as the title indicates) “the Bad Batch” or Clone Force 99. These elite soldiers stand apart from standard clones due to their unique physical capabilities like super strength, super eyesight, and so on.

Hulu

Plan B (Hulu film) — Oh boy, does this story ever hit home for countless ladies who find themselves driving from drug store to drugstore in the heartland. That’s exactly what happens in this film, after a regrettable sexual encounter sends a high school student (Kuhoo Verma) and her best friend (Victoria Moroles) on a bit of a road trip with the clock ticking to find Plan B in America’s heartland. As miserable as this potentially sounds, it’s actually a twist on the teen sex comedy, and it arrives by way of Cobra Kai and Harold & Kumar producers.

Marvel’s M.O.D.O.K. (Hulu series) — Patton Oswalt’s the leading man in a very adult-oriented (and fantastic) animated series. Here, Oswalt’s portraying an egomaniacal supervillain who’s struggling to balance his day job as a bad dude with family life (it happens, even to the most evil among us!). In the process, he’s gotta deal with Tony Stark/Iron Man, who’s voiced by freaking Jon Hamm. Expect to hear Bill Hader, Whoopi Goldberg, Ben Schwartz, and Nathan Fillion all join the chorus as everyone on this show seems to want to push a bad man down.

Madagascar: A Little Wild: Season 3 (Hulu series) — Yep, this is the series that continues those lively, circus-life movies and the franchise that will (and parents will love this) never retire. Essentially, it’s a CGI musical comedy that follows four animal lead characters who live at the Central Park Zoo while dreaming big, as one does in New York City. And of course, this is all about never, ever declining to pursue one’s dreams.

Netflix

Lucifer: Season 5B (Netflix series) — The Devil is still up to no good. Even worse, Lucifer is still plagued by his twin brother, Michael, who’s trying to take his place, and Lucifer also decides that he wants to be God? Alright. Well, God’s apparently retiring, so there’s an opening for that gig. Heaven help us all if this show ever starts to make sense (and Tom Ellis has so much swaggering fun with his lead role), but Netflix’s synopsis promises that “God himself comes to Earth. Secrets will be revealed, heroic sacrifices will be made, and the world will never be the same.” Season 6 will be the show’s final run, and I’m secretly rooting for Chloe to shake off her destiny and ditch the Devil.

Ragnarok: Season 2 (Netflix series) — This coming-of-age drama with a Norse mythology framework returns to show us more gloriously breathtaking Norwegian slices of nature. Unfortunately, not all goes smoothly, given that the residents of Edda are dealing with the effects of climate change, including melting poles, warm winters, and drastic, unpredictable changes in weather. Mysterious inhabitants turn this into a bit of a cautionary tale and a lot of entertainment.

Master of None: Season 3 (Netflix series) — It’s been (four) years since we’ve seen Aziz Ansari’s brainchild do its thing, and that’s not even (officially, at least) down to the pandemic. Ansari’s been largely out of the public eye following sexual misconduct allegations, although he did emerge a few years ago for an insightful comedy special that goes a long way to show that gazing inward, and this new batch of episodes proves it. Aziz takes a step behind the camera to direct in a season that he cowrote with the Emmy-winning Lena Waithe, whose character moves to the forefront.

The Kominsky Method: Season 3 (Netflix series) — The Michael Douglas and Alan Arkin-starring, Golden Globe-winning series reaches its final planned season with some heavy themes — money, death, love, murder, and the realization of dreams — at the forefront. An ex-wife and other family issues (including a contribution from Paul Reister) continue to make everything more complicated than it needs to be, but the show’s audience knows this drill, and they’re here for it.

High on the Hog: How African American Cuisine Transformed America (Netflix series) — Food writer Stephen Satterfield takes a powerful voyage to discover the resourcefulness and straight-up artistry of the African American people. Satterfield draws upon knowledge from chefs, historians, and activists, and the results are mouthwatering.

Eden (Netflix series) — A city called “Eden 3” is filled with robots who no longer have human-boss types, which means that many robots now believe that humans never really existed at all and are only a myth. Naturally, a human baby girl shows up and throws the bots’ worldview into disarray.

Amazon Prime

Panic: Season 1 (Amazon Prime series) — This show’s a bit like The Purge in concept, only it revolves around a dangerous game that takes place over the course of a summer for graduating seniors in a tiny Texas town. They compete for a pot of money (while hoping to escape their tiny-town lives, of course), but the stakes are high and risky as players must confront their deepest fears. The story, which is based upon the bestselling novel by Lauren Oliver, will likely hook you, so be ready to binge.

Solos (Amazon Prime limited series) — This dramatic anthology series, which hails from David Weil (who also created Hunters), aims to explore the power of human connection while gazing through the eyes of seven individuals, who embody their own stories. The series stars Morgan Freeman, Anne Hathaway, Helen Mirren, Uzo Aduba, Nicole Beharie, Anthony Mackie, Dan Stevens, and Constance Wu, and expect to witness stories that will illuminate the human experience, even during times of isolation.

Paramount+

From Cradle To Stage (Paramount+ series) — This Dave Grohl-directed series follows Dave and his mom, Virginia, meeting up with another artist and their mom each week. This week, Grammy-award winning singer-songwriter Brandi Carlile arrives with her mom, Teresa, to guide Dave and Virginia around Ravensdale, Washington. Brandi’s trajectory from a tomboy kid to an openly gay artist gets the spotlight. Also, moms rule, and so does Dave Grohl.

Rugrats: Season 1 (Paramount+ series) — The 2021 revival of this series brings the babies back into action mode, which means that Tommy Pickles is leading his gang on a whole new set of adventures, this time in full-on three-dimensional CGI rendering. In the debut episode, dinosaurs are on the scene while Tommy helps Chuckie after his intent to appear brave does not go as planned.

Apple TV+

The Me You Can’t See (Apple TV+ series) — On the heels of *that* interview, Prince Harry and Oprah are teaming up as co-creators and executive producers of this series that will dig into stories that revolve around mental health and emotional well-being. Expect a variety of guests, including Lady Gaga, the NBA’s DeMar DeRozan and Langston Galloway, plus a popular chef, and more.

Trying: Season 2 (Apple TV+ series) — Esther Smith and Rafe Spall return as a married couple who are painstakingly wading through the adoption process after learning that they’re unable to conceive a biological child. That particular angle on parenthood isn’t frequently tackled on TV, but as the couple moves past conquering the almighty adoption panel, they’ve got even harder work ahead of them. This show’s already landed a Season 3 renewal, so there’s an ultimate plan out there for this couple.

Mythic Quest: Season 2 (Apple TV+ series) — Two pandemic specials sustained viewers between seasons of Rob McElhenney’s workplace comedy, which shall see plenty of awkward maneuvering while the crew comes back to the office after you-know-what forced the work-at-home situation. The best news: Snoop Dogg stops by this season to spread his feel-good… vibes.

Game 3 of the Suns and Lakers first round series did not go according to plan for Phoenix, as they struggled mightily on the offensive end in a 109-95 loss to fall behind 2-1 to the defending champs.

Devin Booker, in particular, struggled in Game 3 going 6-for-19 from the field for 19 points in 41 minutes of play, as he was unable to continue his offensive execution from the first two games. As the game wound down and the Suns last gasp effort failed to reel the Lakers in, frustration set in for Phoenix and Booker, who had a lengthy back-and-forth with Dennis Schröder that culminated in Booker two-handed shoving Schröder to the ground — with a little extra added in from Jae Crowder.

Booker would be tossed for a Flagrant 2, with Crowder not far behind as he was ejected for continuing the jawing with the Lakers point guard. It was an ugly finish to what was an ugly game for the Suns. Anthony Davis was not happy with the Booker foul, calling it a dirty play.

Phoenix will have to figure out a way to regroup both mentally and physically before Game 4 in L.A. on Sunday, because they looked rattled for much of Game 3. Booker needs to get back to his play from the first two games, while the Suns in general have to figure out how to handle the pressure and physicality of the Lakers defense better or they risk going back to Phoenix a game away from elimination.

Earthgang has been patiently waiting for a while now to get the ball rolling for their upcoming sophomore album, Ghetto Gods. After a bit of a wait, it appears that the Dreamville duo is now in full rollout mode for the project. Their latest release isn’t a brand new single, but rather, a remix of a past track that definitely deserved more love than it got. Earthgang recruits Coi Leray for a fresh take of “Options,” a track that also carries a verse from Wale. The new version begins with Leray crooning through a verse focused on her options in the dating world while the rap duo provides new verses for listeners to enjoy.

Johnny Venus of Earthgang previously spoke about the underwhelming success of “Options” on their most recent track, “Aretha.” “‘Options‘ dropped, barely made a sound, damn / I guess we let Nas and Cole down,” he said. The new remix joins a string of recent releases that will hopefully bring us to the release of Ghetto Gods. In addition to the “Options” remix and “Aretha,” Earthgang also shared a remix of Drake’s “Lemon Pepper Freestyle.”

Coi Leray has also been active lately. She recently dropped her third single of the year with “Bout Me” and shortly after, she joined DDG and OG Parker for “Impatient.”

You can press play on the remix above.

Wale is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Based on their work last year, Bino Rideaux and Blxst seemed primed to come out of the West Coast and reach the masses this year. The duo’s popularity increased after they joined forces for their 2019 joint EP, Sixtape. Nearly two years later, Blxst and Rideaux are getting ready to run it back for a second time with the impending release of Sixtape 2. Before fans of both rappers can get their hands on the new effort, the pair kicks off the rollout for Sixtape 2 with their new track, “Movie.” The single sees the artists showing love to their respective partners and promising for a good time if they stick by their sides.

Sixtape 2 was originally teased on Blxst’s “Forever Humble,” which appeared on the deluxe reissue of his 2020 project, No Love Lost. “Bino my brudda, won’t forget what you told me / 6tape, mixtape but classic facts only,” he raps. “They want us to double back / Wouldn’t be surprised if part two got a f*ckin’ plaque.”

As for Bino Rideaux, he saw a breakout year of his own in 2020 thanks to his Outside album. Its fifteen songs gave fans a better look at who he was as an artist and even earned a co-sign from Young Thug, who later joined him for a remix of “Mismatch.”

You can listen to “Movie” in the video above.

At this point in his career, many of Eminem’s releases come as surprises to his fan base. This trend dates back to his 2018 album, Kamikaze, which arrived with no announcement. He did the same in 2020 with his eleventh album, Music To Be Murdered By, a project he later shared a deluxe reissue for with no promotion. Once again, Eminem is back to his surprising ways as he recruited a pair of names some may not have expected him to work with for a new remix. The Detroit rapper called up Jack Harlow and Cordae to collaborate with him on an updated take of “Killer.”

The original track can be found on the deluxe version of Music To Be Murdered By. The track’s production fits the young rappers like Harlow and Cordae more so than one would imagine it does Eminem, but the trio combats the D.A. Got That Dope-produced beat with ease for what proves to be a solid cross-generational collaboration. Harlow and Cordae lead the way with brief verses of their own before Eminem steps in to rap for nearly two straight minutes. In that time he delivers his trademark tongue-twisting bars and also confirms he and Snoop Dogg are on good terms following their past beef.

The remix comes after some decent activity from Harlow and Cordae. The latter launched his own label, Hi-Level Productions, and dropped his Just Until… EP while the former appeared on Saturday Night Live and a trailer for the third season of Call Of Duty: Warzone.

Hit play on the remix in the video above.

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The Los Angeles Lakers are the reigning NBA champions and, as such, they demand respect, even as the No. 7 seed in the Western Conference Playoffs. Part of the reason the Lakers needed to emerge from the Play-in Tournament was a lack of regular season cohesion, however, as the team battled considerable injury issues, most notably to LeBron James and Anthony Davis. In the postseason, those problems haven’t bit Los Angeles but, on Thursday, the Lakers suffered a personnel loss when starting guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope suffered what was eventually diagnosed as a left quad contusion in the third quarter.

The good news is that for the initial concern that it might be a knee injury given where he was grabbing at seems to be alleviated by the quad contusion diagnosis.

Caldwell-Pope appeared for 26 minutes before exiting in Game 3 and, while he isn’t known for enormous box-score impact, the 28-year-old is a key piece for Los Angeles. He was arguably the Lakers’ third-best player at times during the run to the 2020 NBA title, converting more than 40 percent of his threes in each of the first three playoff series for Los Angeles. Beyond that, Caldwell-Pope is a capable, versatile defender, and he has proven to be effective enough to remain on the floor in crunch time at the highest levels of the sport.

With Caldwell-Pope out, perimeter players like Dennis Schröder, Alex Caruso, and Wesley Matthews became more important, with Los Angeles also deploying sharpshooting reserve Ben McLemore for a handful of minutes in Game 3. Caldwell-Pope’s injury doesn’t seem to be too serious, but it wouldn’t be surprising if they look to keep him off the floor so long as they continue to hold a healthy lead after going into the fourth quarter up 13.

UPDATE: After going up 18 early in the fourth, the Lakers announced Caldwell-Pope was done for the night.

Gwen Stefani has dealt with her fair share of cultural appropriation accusations in her career, some that date back to the early 2000s. A portion of these claims came as a result of her use of Harajuku Girls backup dancers and Japanese street fashion over the years. The singer has often denied these accusations and it’s something she did once again when the topic arose during a recent interview with Paper Magazine.

“I had this idea that I would have a posse of girls — because I never got to hang with girls — and they would be Japanese, Harajuku girls, because those are the girls that I love. Those are my homies,” Stefani explained. “That’s where I would be if I had my dream come true, I could go live there and I could go hang out in Harajuku.” She added, “If we didn’t buy and sell and trade our cultures in, we wouldn’t have so much beauty, you know? We learn from each other, we share from each other, we grow from each other. And all these rules are just dividing us more and more.”

Stefani also seemingly threw some indirect criticism at cancel culture by comparing today’s times to that of the past.

“I think that we grew up in a time where we didn’t have so many rules,” she said. “We didn’t have to follow a narrative that was being edited for us through social media, we just had so much more freedom.”

You can read Stefani’s full interview with Paper here.

Embattled Florida representative Matt Gaetz continues to tour the country with Marjorie Taylor Green and deny any acknowledgement of the failed MAGA coup in Washington on January 6. He’s a busy guy, and apparently that may also include a run for president if Donald Trump doesn’t get in the way.
According to the New York Post, Gaetz remains undeterred by the probe into his sexual misconduct with a minor, saying that he himself will run for president on the Republican ticket as long as Trump does not.

“I support Donald Trump for president. I’ve directly encouraged him to run and he gives me every indication he will,” the Florida Republican texted The Post Wednesday. “If Trump doesn’t run, I’m sure I could defeat whatever remains of Joe Biden by 2024.”

Gaetz, who said he hasn’t formally launched an exploratory committee, is facing a federal investigation into allegations of sex trafficking of a minor, a sexual relationship with a minor and potential public corruption in addition to a Congressional Ethics investigation. He has vehemently denied any wrongdoing.

Despite that denial, there are new developments in that probe that’s reportedly included payments for sex with a minor, potential trafficking and drug use. There’s also the reported confession letter his former partner in alleged crimes may have written out as part of an attempt to get a pardon from Trump. That man, Joel Greenberg, pled guilty to charges last week and there’s speculation about what he told authorities to get that plea deal in the first place.

There’s also a local news report about yacht money that Gaetz claimed money to buy a boat named Thirsty “went missing” before a deal could go through, news that broke on Thursday as well.

According to a spokesperson for Gaetz, he and his fiancé, Ginger Luckey, were “targeted by malicious actors” during the purchase process of a St. Petersburg yacht. Follow-up questions about the transaction and clarification of the statement have not been answered.

In other words there seems to be a lot happening for Gaetz these days, so maybe talking publicly about a run for president is a bit premature for him. Who knows where he will be in 2024.

First, a disclaimer: the Top Chef editors must’ve been under a deadline crunch this week, because I didn’t get my normally-the-day-before advanced screener until about six hours before air time. Hopefully, these rankings won’t seem more rushed, the jokes even less thought out than usual — because normally this collection of half-assed nicknames and “your mom” jokes is the result of hours of painstaking research. But if they do, you know why.

This week’s episode began with a short montage package of the cheftestants expressing their shock that Sara went home last week. Us too, guys, us too. That led to some kind of picture-in-picture transition appearing to depict daily life in Portland, with one frame appearing to show guy juggling in the park. Who was that juggler? Was this meant to be a contestant? A depiction of “average Portland man?”

It all became clear when Padma introduced Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein from Portlandia and announced that this challenge would celebrate Portland’s reputation as a mecca for hipsters. This led into another package of each contestant naming their favorite hipster stereotype from 2009 (mustaches, fixed gear bikes, veganism, etc). I guess you could say “the stereotypes of the aughts are alive on Top Chef.” (Notably absent from their description of a hipster: a chef with food-related forearm tattoos)

The chefs were tasked with creating a dish from “hipster” ingredients, like hemp seed oil and alternative milks (“Alternative Milk Hotel” is my indie band name). As an additional twist, they’d have to prepare their dishes on “hipster” equipment, which is to say vintage, electric (gasp!) stoves. Based on their reactions, you’d think cooking on electric stoves was tantamount to giving birth in a teepee to these spoiled fuckers.

Padma, meanwhile, seemed to have forgotten her sleeves:

“Give me Larry The Cable Guy, but make it fashion.”

After that, Padma introduced the Elimination Challenge, testing the cheftestants’ skills as potential cookbook authors. The challenge was to “Create a recipe that will take only 90 minutes to prepare. Write the recipe like someone who is not a chef will be following it.”

Solid challenge, in my opinion! Then halfway through preparation, Tom Colicchio showed up to tease a twist: “Be really precise with your recipes, we may have a twist for you tomorrow.”

Oh, you may have a twist? On Top Chef? No way. It would’ve been the biggest twist of all if there was no twist, but the contestants immediately began trying to predict what it might be: maybe they’d be swapping recipes? Maybe the all-star panel of guest judges would be preparing the dishes?

It turned out to be the second one, which wasn’t much of a twist, or at least not a very surprising one. Also, wasn’t the challenge meant to test “how well someone who is not a chef” could follow the recipe? Doesn’t having other professional chefs preparing the dishes sort of take away from that objective? Probably, but hey, there are just things you can’t do during a COVID quarantine Top Chef season. Still, maybe they could’ve had Fred and Carrie hang around for a while to prepare the dishes? Why have experts play dumb when you can get actual dumb people? You guys had my number, I’m pretty dumb.

In any case, some of the chefs excelled and some of them stumbled, and if you’ve watched even one episode of Top Chef this season you could probably guess which chefs did which. It was certainly an episode of solidifying opinions.

Results:

Quickfire Top: Gabe, Maria, Dawn*.

Quickfire Bottom: Jamie, Chris

Elimination Top: Dawn, Gabe*, Shota, Maria.

Elimination Bottom: Chris, Byron, Jamie.

*Winner

THE RANKINGS:

7. (even) ((Eliminated)) Chris Viaud

AKA: Stretch. Butter. Kelso. Kelpso. Homer.

Thank God, Chris finally got eliminated. I don’t say this to be cruel to Chris, it’s just that he’s seemed so much like the obvious choice to go home for past three episodes that it felt like watching a cat taking the limbs off a lizard instead of just eating the damn thing. Christ, how many more times are you guys going to make this poor bastard walk of shame out to the judges’ table just so Tom Colicchio can tell him he sucks at pasta?

Not only did it make me feel bad for Chef Chris, it made me wonder how many things I’m convinced I’m good at only because my friends and family and acquaintances are too polite to tell me I suck. I’m much less tall and handsome than Chris, so hopefully it’s not that many.

Yes, Chris once again tried to tilt at the pasta windmill, preparing a sorghum gnocchi. Which, once again, seemed like a failure of concept as much as execution. How many home cooks do you know that are desperate to master a sorghum gnocchi? “Gosh, I just have all this sorghum lying around, if only I knew what to do with it!”

Notable Critiques:

“I love the braised dandelion greens, I think the gnocchi itself is just dense.” “The amount of cheese in there, it’s no longer a gnocchi, it’s more like a cheese dumpling.” (I’ve said it before, Top Chef judges are as rigid as Hitler in their devotion to semantics.)

As my final act of writing about Chef Chris, I’m nicknaming him “Homer,” because he turns “dough” into “D’oh!” (don’t judge me, I’m on a tight deadline over here)

6. (even) Byron Gomez

AKA: Manolo. Burger King. Goldblum.

Chef Byron handed his recipe tester Kwame a three-page recipe with 17 different ingredients for striped bass with seafood broth and beans dish that the judges just thought tasted bland. Probably the only thing that saved him from going home was the judges rightly realizing that they needed to put Chris out of his misery to avoid being outright cruel.

Notable Critiques:

“This is the Neverending Story of recipes.” “It’s way too complicated for what it delivers.” (This is also how my exes would describe me.)

5. (-1) Jamie Tran

Aka: Splat. Police Academy. Womp Womp.

One of the most shocking twists of the entire episode was that Jamie, who uses sound effects rather than words to describe most things, actually turned out to be a decent recipe writer. Unfortunately for her, her decently-written recipe was for a brioche French toast with berry compote and foie gras dish — which sounds weirder than absolute shit. I imagine French toast becomes too French right around the time you start adding goose livers. That dish is Frencher than Gerard Depardieu and Pepe Le Pew wrapped inside a tiny cigarette.

Based on the judges’ reactions, it did not taste much better than it sounded.

Notable Critiques:

“There is a lack of texture here.” “I think it’s too sweet.”

4. (+1) Maria Mazon

AKA: Gas Can. Backdraft. James Brown. Mole Maria.

Notable Quotes:

“I suck at writing recipes, I have ADHD.” (Why did you make so much food?) “Because I’m Mexican.”

Maria tried to get out in front of any potential criticisms this week by blaming her ADHD and Mexicanity for her inability to write coherent, normal-sized recipes. She ended up writing a recipe that prescribed cooking eight pounds of meat to serve six people. Sheesh, no one is swallowing that much meat at dinner, not unless Steve’s mom is invited (Right guys? Right?).

Maria had a decent performance this episode, but she’s still so far behind the three obvious favorites that I’m not even sure she qualifies as a dark horse. I would still buy that cookbook though.

Notable Critiques:

“The whole thing just seemed too much.” “It had tons of flavor, all the meats were nicely cooked.” “So what you have leftovers for the week.” “Or the month.”

3. (-1) Shota Nakajima

AKA: Beavis. Big Gulps.

There haven’t been much in the way of human interest stories this season (and honestly I’ve barely missed them), so Shota discussing his son who lives in Japan that he only gets to see about twice a year felt like a pretty big reveal. I like to make jokes about food as away of avoiding discussing these kinds of things, so, moving on… Shota’s soy-braised pork belly with turnip puree sounded good as hell.

Shota may not have won the last couple challenges, but I have to think Shota, Gabe, and Dawn are running pretty neck and neck right now. Neck and neck and neck.

Notable Critiques:

“I do think Shota’s dish is delicious, it’s so focused.”

2. (+1) Gabe Erales

AKA: Good Gabe. Canelo. Fozzy. The Foz. The Masa Father. Jamón.

It looked like Gabe was going to win the quickfire this week, stealing Jamie’s sound-effect shtick to describe his Hasselback-cut yams served in the form of sausages. Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein made a big joke out of no one knowing what a Hasselback potato is, so I suppose it falls to me to explain that Hasselback Potatoes are named for David Hasselback, who famously ate them off the floor while drunk one night on his secret tour of East Germany. Or they’re just named for the Swedish restaurant where they were first served. Whatever you choose to believe.

Big Fozzy ended up losing that challenge to Dawn but achieved revenge in the elimination challenge thanks to his deliciously sauced fish. Which had judge Richard Blaise raving “a wise man once said that if chefs are a symphony, sauciers are the soloists,” whatever the hell that means.

Cool fact, Cliff Clavin, don’t you have a haircut appointment to get to?

Notable Critiques:

“It’s delicious!” “It’s dynamic, there’s a depth of flavor, it’s fresh.”

1. (even) Dawn Burrell

AKA: Hothead. ‘Sheed. Legs. Breaking Dawn. Milk Carton. The Sphynx. Zeus.

Dawn is starting to run away with it now. At the very least, it’s Dawn and Gabe’s competition to lose. In the quickfire, Dawn made a cornbread-style fonio bread that everyone loved. I’d never heard of fonio before, but I feel like it should be a superior version of “fugazi,” not as in the band but as in Italian-American slang for fake. “You calla thees-a the diamond? Basta, skifozo, theesa no-a diamond, she’s a fonio! Dona you bring-a no more a-fonio inna my store!”

It feels like something you say while chasing someone with a rolling pin. Phew, I’ve gone off the rails again.

Anyway, after last episode, a lot of people blamed Dawn for her team losing, because she sandbagged them by not telling them her dish until the last minute. I don’t know if any of that was deliberate (I tend to think she just has a typical perfectionist’s personality, and she didn’t tell them what she was making simply because she was still trying to work it out for herself). But even if it is I feel the same way about it as I do when people say Barry Bonds shouldn’t be in the hall of fame because he was a cheater. Guess what, a lot of people cheat, Barry Bonds was just the best at it.

Whether or not you think Dawn played dirty pool last week, she keeps proving that she doesn’t need to.

Is anyone else terrified that Sara is going to rejoin the competition? She’s looking like a lock to win Last Chance Kitchen and she’s nervously laughing at her own jokes more than ever.

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Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.