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Back in 2019, when the world made sense, millions of people on Reddit didn’t manipulate short-sellers into overvaluing stocks and driving rich hedge fund managers insane. Our society simply let those in charge of companies go insane, letting infusions of money from venture capital wildly inflate the value of those companies until it all blew up and lives were ruined. But, you know, not their own.

It made for a good story and, in the case of Adam Neumann’s WeWork, it made for a good podcast. And Apple TV hopes it will make for a good show that we now know Jared Leto is involved in, as The Hollywood Reporter said Friday that the top billing for Apple’s WeCrashed-based show is set. Leto will star as WeWork’s eccentric CEO, while Anne Hathaway will play his wife, Rebekah. According to the report, the two will also serve as executive producers on the show.

The eight-episode drama will follow the greed-filled rise and inevitable fall of start-up WeWork and the narcissists whose chaotic love made it all possible. Leto will play WeWork founder Adam Neumann, with Hathaway set to play his wife and co-founder Rebekah Newmann. Both stars will also be credited as exec producers on the show. (A premiere time frame has not yet been determined.)

Eisenberg, who has an overall deal with Apple, will co-write, exec produce and serve as showrunner alongside Crevello. Wondery will exec produce. Charlie Gogolak, a partner with Ficarra and Requa in Zaftig Films, will exec produce. Natalie Sandy, Eisenberg’s vp development at Piece of Work Entertainment, also exec produces. Leto’s Paradox partner Emmy Ludbrook also exec produces.

Leto in the role of Adam Neumann is certainly inspired, and Hathaway has the range to pull off Rebekah, who was involved in various ways as WeWork expanded into creating a school and other business endeavors. We know that Leto often gets very much into the heads of his characters, but there’s no word here on whether he will try to smuggle a large amount of weed into Israel in a cereal box to get in the right headspace here.

But it’s not the only WeWork TV show currently in the works, as Cousin Greg from Succession will also play Neumann in a show based on a book about WeWork that’s being made for TV by You’re The Worst creator Stephen Falk. If that sounds like too much WeWork to you, well, now you get their business model I suppose. We’ll eventually get to see who wins the WeWork bake-off in due time, but both shows certainly have gotten the vibe right when it comes to casting.

Few snack foods can surpass the cookie. It’s not as divisive as the world of chips (potato, vegetable, tortilla, banana, chicharron — nobody likes them all!), but just as diverse. Not as pricey as the world of booze, but just as indulgent and nearly as sophisticated (Jack Daniels is to Oreo as Glenfiddich is to Pepperidge Farm) and they appeal to everyone! Even people who don’t eat cookies will readily admit that cookies are the freaking best.

Just look how much joy a simple shortbread can bring!

But good as cookies are, they’re not all great. Some cookies are Nilla Wafers. Or Teddy Grahams! Some are overstuffed! Some are understuffed!

In an act of public service, we dove into the extensive world of grocery store cookies to weed out the delicious from the overprocessed, flavorless, bargain bin fodder. How did we arrive at these 25 brands? We asked friends and fellow food writers for their all-time favorites, hit r/Snacking for ideas, and did an inventory of what brands the grocery chains were currently carrying. Then we finally got around to the fun work: eating them all.

Here are the best store-bought cookies currently on the market, ranked.

25. Nabisco Nilla Wafers

Nilla Wafers aren’t bad, not at all. With some milk… very pleasant. They’re just so boring. You’ll hear people make excuses for them — “you just have to dip them in X!” or “Cumble them into a crust for Y recipe!”

That means they’re not good, friend. Of course, a Nilla Wafer is going to taste delicious if you dip it in Nutella or syrup or cocaine or whatever! But all it’s really doing is adding texture to that sweet/ cocaine element.

The Bottom Line

A cookie in its most basic form.

24. Teddy Grahams — All Of Them

Teddy Grahams are weird, they’re basically bite-sized graham crackers but they’re presented in cute bear form. Are graham crackers cookies? Graham crackers are for old people, but Teddy Grahams are clearly for kids, which are the opposite of old people. This is the world’s most dissonant cookie.

Whether you love the Honey, Chocolate chip, Cinnamon, or Chocolate flavor, they’re all better experienced by tossing them in a small bowl and pouring milk over them. Which means as stand-alone cookies, they’re just alright.

The Bottom Line

A better cookie than the Nilla Wafer, which is more of a testament to how bad the Nilla Wafer is, not how good the Teddy Graham is.

23. Oreo Golden

It must be tough to be Oreo. The OG Oreo is unbeatable by it’s younger siblings, which means no matter what the brand tries the end product is destined to live in the shadow of a greater cookie. That’s very much the case with the Golden Oreo, which is a pretty good cookie but pales in comparison with the OG.

Take note Nilla Wafers, this is how you make a vanilla cookie work! Golden Oreos are buttery and sweet, ideal for dipping in a tall glass of chocolate milk, or enjoyable completely on their own. The creme filling is an effective way to add some excitement to the bland taste of artificial vanilla, but it’s impossible to eat them without thinking about how you’d rather have a regular Oreo.

The Bottom Line

The Tiffany Trump of the Oreo Cookie family. Easy to forget it exists!

22. Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies

Animal crackers are somehow more boring than even Nilla Wafers but cover them in pink or white frosting and bedazzle them with sprinkles and you’ve got yourself a damn good cookie. It’s often debated whether or not the pink and white cookies are actually two different flavors.

To my palate they are, but could that be totally psychological? Definitely.

Something about the pink cookies just tastes better to me, they have a deeper flavor to them with a slightly bitter edge, whereas the whites taste sweeter??? This could all just be wild speculation induced by frosting. I’ve never thought to do a blind taste test because at the end of the day, who cares? The cookies are good, white or pink!

The Bottom Line

You feel like a glutton buying these, but if they’re in the house that bag doesn’t last two days.

21. Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies

I love these dusty little cookies! Are they overly dry? Yes, do they make a mess of crumbs as soon as you open them? All the time! Do they always cut the roof of my mouth because they’re so hard — okay maybe these cookies aren’t so good. I don’t think there is a single occasion where I’ve actually purchased Famous Amos, I’ve only been offered bags in random places.

I eat them, of course, because they’re cookies and I’m not insane, but they really shouldn’t be anyone’s favorite chocolate chip cookie. Still, just being chocolate chip almost pushes them to the top 20.

The Bottom Line

If you’ve had Famous Amos but never actually bought a box/bag that should tell you everything you need to know about whether or not this is a cookie worth your money. If you have bought Famous Amos, well… to each their own.

20. Nutter Butter

Nutter Butter gets a bad rap amongst peanut butter cookie fans because whatever the hell Nutter Butter’s peanut butter creme filling is made out of, it doesn’t taste anything like actual peanut butter. Sure, Nutter Butter touts themselves as being “made with real peanut butter” but they never really specify how much peanut butter is used.

Spoiler: It’s likely not much. Still, the slightly salty/ super sweet nutty goodness works here, ingredients be damned!

The Bottom Line:

They’re not peanut butter cookies, they’re Nutter Butters — but they’re still tasty!

19. Grandma’s Peanut Butter Cookies

Grandma’s makes a pretty addicting Peanut Butter cookie. Released in two-packs, this Peanut Butter cookie is very rich and buttery with a slight peanut butter bitterness that really sets it apart from pretenders like the Nutter Butter. They are a bit on the dry side, you’ll defnitely want milk nearby, but for a storebought and mass produced PB cookie — solid.

The Bottom Line

A delicious peanut butter cookie but one you should never eat without something to drink handy.

18. Milk Bar Cornflake Chocolate Chip Marshmallow Cookies

Now available at Whole Foods, people go nuts for Christina Tosi’s Milk Bar cookies and the best of the bunch is the Cornflake Chocolate Chip Marshmallow. The cookie has a fantstic (and unique to the storebought cookie world) texture and combines the flavors of toasted corn flakes with marshmallows and chocolate chips — something we never knew we needed but absolutely love.

You’ve got the crispy crunch of cornflakes, the soft sponginess of marshmallows, and the addicting flavor of decent quality baker’s chocolate — these are very solid.

The Bottom Line

High concept cookies with balaced flavors and multiple textures — if you’re into that bougie shit.

17. Lofthouse Frosted Sugar Cookies

Lofthouse cookies, which aren’t so much a brand as they are a style, are usually found in the fresh-baked section of your grocery store — meaning they vary in quality from market chain to market chain. Who has the best? Who knows!

These are some seriously divisive cookies. Some people love them and others think they’re straight-up garbage — but how could you hate a sugar bomb topped with a dollop of thick and creamy frosting? [Because you can sense all the chemicals, that’s how!]

The Bottom Line

Imagine a Nilla Wafer, but loaded with saccharine, chemically, fake-colored frosting! Sounds… kinda good, right?

16. Bakery Section Oatmeal

A good oatmeal cookie is completely dependent on how fresh it is. No brand has really mastered how to make an oatmeal cookie with great shelf life, they’re usually too hard and way too dry. If you’ve only ever had an oatmeal cookie from one of the big brands, you probably hate these things. Grab a box from the bakery section instead, you’ll find an incredibly soft and fragrant cookie with heavy doses of brown sugar, butter, cinnamon, and chewy earthy oats.

I’m generally not a fan of soft cookies — unless they’re freshly baked — but with an oatmeal cookie, it’s exactly what you want. If you can find one with cranberries or golden raisins over the usual purple, grab a box and never look back!

The Bottom Line

Find out when they come in and grab these at their freshest!

15. Keebler Chips Deluxe Rainbow

Keebler’s Chips Deluxe Rainbow is who we have to blame for chocolate chip cookies with candy being a thing, which almost always tastes terrible… unless it’s this OG. While this pick seems like a cookie explicitly for kids, Keebler is using real M&M’s here, and that actually matters.

Do you think some stupid kids know the difference between M&Ms and off-brand candy-coated chocolates? No way, they need to the sophisticated palate of an adult.

The Bottom Line

Don’t ever eat cookies with candy-coated chocolate on them, unless it’s this one.

14. Keebler E.L. Fudge Elfwich

If you asked a 10-year old me to rank the best grocery store cookies the list would probably be topped by these babies. In my memories, this cookie is unbeatable but in reality — they just taste okay.

While the fudge inside is delicious and rich — like an airy, sugary Nutella with no hazelenut (so maybe not that much like Nutella) — the major drawback of this cookie is the sandwich ends. They’re actually somehow more bland than even the Nilla Wafer. They’re stale, hard, and barely taste like anything. Thank god each cookie is packed with fudge to hide that fact.

The Bottom Line

Not as good as they seemed when you were a kid.

13. Oreo Thins Mint Flavored

Why do we think Mint Flavored Oreo Thins deserve a spot on this list but Mint Flavored Oreos or, god forbid, Mint Flavored Double-Stuffed Oreos, don’t? Because you can have too much of a good thing. Mint Flavored Oreos are just way too much, but their thin counterparts feature what looks like half the creme filling (but taste like the whole thing, baby) sandwiched between crisper and thinner Oreo cookies.

It’s the perfect balance of cookie and creme.

These also look slightly elegant, like they should be served on a pristine saucer with a cappuccino. If you’d rather go the classic milk route, we suggest chocolate milk for this one — it’ll pair nicer with the Oreo cookie and fresh and minty creme filling.

The Bottom Line:

Oreo’s classiest cookie. Hard to believe the people who made the abomination that is Double-Stuffed made this one too!

12. Walker’s Shortbread Cookies

Have you ever bit into a stick of butter? It’s a wild experience and one that I won’t descirbe in detail to spare your genteel sensibilities. Luckily for us butterheads, Walker’s Shortbread Cookies exist, which are just like biting into a stick of butter but with a more pleasing and palatable texture. These shortbread cookies are easily the butteriest cookies I’ve ever eaten — they’re thick but not hard or crunchy and they melt in your mouth in the most delicious way.

Walker keeps their ingredients list short — consisting of just flour, sugar, butter, and salt. What more do you need in a cookie?

The Bottom Line

If you have dreams of biting into a stick of butter but still want to be accepted in society, this is the cookie for you!

11. Trader Joe’s Triple Ginger Snaps

These babies are so addicting. Ginger isn’t an ingredient that gets a lot of love from the world of grocery store cookies which makes these Trader Joe’s Ginger Snaps a bit of an anomaly. Our favorite detail is that the cookies have real chunks of ginger, right in the cookie! They’re spicy, sweet, and bite-sized — meaning eating 8 of them doesn’t feel so crazy.

The Bottom Line

A delicious anomaly in the world of grocery store cookies. Peep the real chunks of ginger!

10. Chips A’hoy Original Chocolate Chip Cookies

Are these too high?

They’re probably too high. Vienna Fingers probably deserved this slot. We don’t care, Chips A’hoy are great!

I prefer the Original variety over the chewy, they strike a great balance between flavors of butter and brown sugar, and each bite provides the perfect ratio of cookie to chocolate. The chocolate chips are interwoven throughout the cookie here, not just sitting on top, the cookies also have a slightly greasy quality to them that lingers in your mouth in the best way.

The Bottom Line

Classic, nostalgic, and they hold up to your memories better than most entries in that category.

9. Keebler Fudge Stripes

The Fudge Stripe takes everything from with the Elfwich and improves it. The cookie here isn’t as dense as the Elfwich sandwich and it has a better distribution of fudge, which keeps each bite from being bland. In addition to the swirls that decorate this cookie, the entire bottom is submerged in fudge, and while it’s not as airy as the fudge on the Elfwich, it tastes just as good.

The Bottom Line

If you love the Elfwich, the Fudge Stripe is a definite step up. It’s also just one of the best cookies you can buy at the market.

8. Trader Joe’s Speculoos

And the award for worst cookie name ever goes to Trader Joe’s Speculoos! “Speculoo” sounds like the British word for a tool that doctors use to open up your a**. The name, plus the disgusting imagery I just mentioned, plus this stupid old-timey box may lead you to avoid Speculoos (even typing it is gross) at all costs.

Don’t, because they’re delicious! Caramelized cinnamon is what gives this cookie its distinct flavor, which is best enjoyed after being dunk in coffee as they’re a little too dry for their own good.

The Bottom Line

Disgustingly named delicious cinnamon cookies, ideal for dipping.

7. Keebler Pecan Sandies

It’s hard to beat the shortbread cookie yet somehow Keebler found a way to improve upon perfection with the Pecan Sandie. All the buttery melt-in-your-mouth goodness of shortbread cookies are here in the Pecan Sandies but the flavor is elevated by the inclusion of pecans, which add a bit of nuttiness and nice texture that combats the mush of saliva-hydrated shortbread.

Our only gripe is we wish the Sandies had bigger chunks of pecan.

The Bottom Line

Everything you love about shortbread cookies. Plus pecans!

6. Tate’s Chocolate Chip Cookies

I have complicated feelings about Tate’s Chocolate Chip Cookies. On one hand, I recognize that they’re easily the best grocery store chocolate chip cookies — they’re big, chewy on the inside, crispy on the out, and taste shockingly like fresh-baked homemade cookies. But they’re not. This means every time I eat one I can’t help but think about how I could be having a slightly better cookie if I just made them myself.

If you put a gun to my head though — chill out and put that thing down, this is just a ranking of cookies! — I can’t deny that these are better in every way to Chips A’hoy.

The Bottom Line

The best grocery store chocolate chip cookie your money can buy.

5. Keebler Coconut Dreams

This is Keebler’s masterpiece.

If Girl Scout cookies were sold at grocery stores, you’d better believe Samoas would be topping this list. Keebler’s version, the Coconut Dream, are almost as good. A sweet cookie covered in caramel, fudge, and crispy toasted coconut, this cookie will shred the roof of your mouth but they’re so delicious its worth it.

Each bite from your first to your last is a fudgey rich dream.

The Bottom Line

Keebler’s answer to the Girl Scout Samoa! Almost as good as the original.

4. Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter Sandwiches

Why aren’t there more cookie butter cookies out there?

These bad boys consist of two thin shortbread cookies with some spicy caramelized cookie butter between each bite. They taste delicious dismantled and they’re equally when you bite into the whole thing at once. A cookie with no wrong way to eat it is a great cookie!

The Bottom Line

Trader Joe’s best cookie and one of the best grocery store cookies money can buy.

3. Pepperidge Farm Milanos (any flavor)

Milanos are synonymous with the Pepperidge Farm brand, probably because they’re insanely good and have been at the head of the class for decades. They’re crunchy but soften instantly in your mouth, delicate, which isn’t something you can say for every cookie, and feature the perfect cookie-to-chocolate ratio.

The chocolate is really the star of the show here, it tastes like real baker’s chocolate, setting itself apart from the competition in terms of quality. They’re also the only cookie we can eat one of and leave satisfied. Whether you dig on the milk chocolate, mint, or double chocolate variety — I love dark chocolate myself — every Pepperidge Farm Milano is delicious.

The Bottom Line

The fanciest cookie you can buy at the grocery store.

2. Pepperidge Farm Sausalito

Maybe it’s controversial to place the Sausalito above the Milano but I don’t care, this is my personal favorite grocery store cookie. Pepperidge Farm’s Sausalito features delicious high-quality chunks of dark chocolate chips with buttery and crunchy macadamia nuts peppered throughout.

They’re big cookies — which means one will do, but once the combination of butter, dark chocolate, and macadamia travel across your tastebuds you’ll want to try the brand’s other California-city-themed cookies. (Don’t bother, they all pale in comparison to the Sausalito.)

The Bottom Line

Pepperidge Farm’s best California-city-themed cookie. The perfect choice for someone who is looking for an elevated chocolate chip.

1. Oreo

Oreos are without a doubt the GOAT [sub in Newman O’s if you like fewer chemicals]. It might seem basic or predictable to give Oreo the number one spot but be completely honest with yourself, is there a better grocery store cookie out there? I’d argue that when one hears the phrase “grocery store cookie” they immediately envision a classic Oreo. Everything about this cookie just works. It has a distinct and original flavor that is often duplicated but never matched, it’s equally delicious dipped or eaten dry, and if you eat enough of them you’ll look like a legit pirate.

Because of the grainy black crumbs in your teeth, get it?

Anyyyyway, the Oreo is in every way the Nilla Wafer’s opposite.

The Bottom Line

Cookies and creme in cookie form! Grocery store cookies rarely get better than the Oreo. You can dip it, eat it dry, dismantle it or smash it into your favorite ice cream. It’s also the only cookie that belongs in a milkshake.

The GameStop stock frenzy rose to a crescendo this week with smaller investors sticking it to hedge funders, and this, of course, has led to unexpected developments. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Ted Cruz actually agreed on something. The chaos inspired Jon Stewart to finally join Twitter, and that’s a good thing. Also good? Our own Brian Grubb dreamcasted the inevitable movie coming our way, probably directed by Ben Affleck or something. There’s other good news, too, involving a 10-year-old boy who lives in San Antonio.

MySanAntonio reporter Maddy Skye tweeted out a link to the story about Jaydyn Carr, who received 10 GameStop shares for a Kwanzaa gift from his mother two years ago. The shares cost $6 apiece, and as of Wednesday, they were worth $3,200.

Jaydyn’s mom, Nina, described what happened earlier this week:

“My phone was going off, because I have GameStop on my watch list,” the mother said of watching prices skyrocket. “I was trying to explain to him that this was unusual, I asked him ‘Do you want to stay or sell?’”

While even adults are asking for stock-savvy friends to explain the situation to them, Jaydyn said he wasn’t at all confused by his mom’s urgency or what was going on.

Nina says that Jaydyn has a voracious appetite for learning, even about economics, and yes, he decided to sell those shares. He’s saving $2,200 in an account, and Jayden earmarked $1,000 to pick out other investments together. Oh, good news, you are sorely appreciated.

(Via MySanAntonio.com)

The Cleveland Cavaliers have been one of the more pleasant surprises of the young NBA season. Despite boasting some nice young talent on their roster, the expectations were relatively low going in. Certainly, nobody expected that just over a quarter of the way through the season, they’d occupy the No. 6 spot in the East and have themselves positioned to fight for a playoff berth.

Much of that is thanks to the sensational play of Collin Sexton, who has led the Cavs to a respectable 9-9 record on the season, with the most impressive of those victories coming in back-to-back wins against the loaded Brooklyn Nets last week, during which Sexton outplayed virtually everyone on the court.

The man affectionately known as “Young Bull” has now come to comprise the gloriously nicknamed duo “SexLand,” alongside teammate Darius Garland. When asked how he feels about it during a recent appearance on The Lowe Post Podcast, Sexton stopped short of a full endorsement, but admitted that now that it’s caught some traction, it’s probably here to stay.

“It definitely is the thing now,” Sexton said. “With DG coming back and us being out there playing together. And Larry [Nance Jr.], he loves. The fans love it. A lot of guys love it, so it’s gonna probably be here to say. We just gotta take it and roll with it.”

Some backstory: According to Nance, Garland and Sexton apparently are not huge fans of the nickname, even though everyone else loves it. There are certainly worse nicknames out there, and everyone knows you can’t nickname yourself, so in some ways, you’re at the mercy of fate. Thankfully, this one happens to be colorful, catchy, and relatively tame, despite how it might sound.

The NBA has made it a quarter of the way through the 2020-21 season, through some stops and starts for various teams as players go in and out of the league’s health and safety protocols. The lineup fluctuations caused by trying to proceed through absences have impacted play and interest at times, but it has been refreshing to see the level of play around the league this season.

With postponements and the occasional star absence, each night requires fans to dive into the League Pass schedule to find the best games, because that doesn’t always align with where the biggest teams are in action. As such, we’re going to highlight five teams in each conference that, through the first 16-20 games have been a true delight to watch and don’t get as many opportunities as others on the national TV schedule. As such, TNT and ESPN staples like the Lakers, Clippers, Warriors, Celtics, Nets, and Sixers don’t make the list. (Although we must note that in terms of overall viewing experience, factoring in the team and broadcast crew, the Nets figuring out their new Big 3 with Ian Eagle and Sarah Kustok on the call is appointment television.)

Some of these are top contenders who simply missed the national window in the first half of the season while others are middling teams, scrapping for play-in dreams but are a joy to watch.

WEST

Utah Jazz

The Jazz have been a hot and cold team in the past, but the first quarter of the 2020-21 campaign is one of the hot stretches. It certainly helps when Utah makes every shot, but they also do things that die-hards will love. Looking for a well-crafted offensive system? Utah has it. Do you appreciate the NBA’s best defensive force? Rudy Gobert has you covered. How ‘bout a few ATO plays that will leave coaches at all levels drooling? Quin Snyder delivers. The Jazz also have a few players that are easy to love, even beyond the top billing. Mike Conley is back in a serious groove, and he has long been a staple of League Pass favorites lists. Then, you get to Joe Ingles, who seemingly never stops talking (in the best way), and deploys an old-man game that is remarkable to observe. They only have a few national TV games in the first half, but have taken over the West’s top spot and are well worth the watch.

Phoenix Suns

Phoenix is really good and likely to get better. Devin Booker is a superstar, and he’s also fun to watch. He scores at all levels, does it with flare, and rises to the occasion when it matters. Deandre Ayton makes a few plays per game that will raise your eyebrows, and the Suns deploy a playing style that, at least to many, is enjoyable to consume. From there, Chris Paul is one-of-a-kind, and even if the current, more “mature” version isn’t quite what it was at his peak, he is a true craftsman. Mikal Bridges is, too, a craftsman on the defensive end, reading the game in a preternatural way and turning heads as one of the best off-ball role players in the league. Phoenix even has a fun bench that can keep things moving when needed. Eddie Johnson is a bit of an acquired taste in the analyst chair, but the whole package works, even as they have hiccups as they figure out how to put all of their pieces together.

Denver Nuggets

The Nuggets do have a decent diet of national television games, and that happens when you reach the Western Conference Finals. Still, Denver isn’t a full-blown fixture on TNT and ESPN, heightening the League Pass experience. While the broadcast is quite reasonable, this is largely an on-court selection, and it centers heavily on Nikola Jokic. Denver’s leading man is one of the most aesthetically pleasing players in the league, throwing ridiculous passes from angles that no one else attempts. He’s a 7-footer that keys an offense as a passer, and Jokic is now scoring (and rebounding) at an elite level to boot, putting him firmly in the MVP discussion. Not that the Nuggets need more appealing entities, but Michael Porter Jr. is splendid when he has it going, and the same could be said for Jamal Murray. Finally, Monte Morris may not be flashy or exciting but, if you appreciate the finer things in basketball circles, having the ultra-solid caretaker can add a hint of pleasure to the viewing experience.

Sacramento Kings

The Kings can run hot and cold, and if you catch them on an off-night, things can get ugly. That said, they play a wildly entertaining style and, as long as you’re a fan of high-scoring games, you’ll enjoy the Kings’ offense trying valiantly to make up for the fact that they deploy the league’s worst defense in history. De’Aaron Fox is a mad man running the floor and pushing the tempo, while Harrison Barnes is enjoying one of the best seasons of his career. Richaun Holmes is a delight to watch in the paint and Tyrese Haliburton is a true basketball savant and one of the most enjoyable rookies to watch. What really elevates the Kings to League Pass favorites is that all of that comes with the soundtrack of ESPN vet Mark Jones and Doug Christie, who have immediately turned into a top-5 local announcing duo.

Houston Rockets

The Rockets are creeping up on being a .500 team after rattling off their fourth straight win on Thursday night against the Blazers to move to 8-9. For those who thought Houston would just fade into obscurity in the post-James Harden era, the opposite has happened. I don’t know exactly how good the Rockets can be, but I know they are incredibly enjoyable to watch as the national TV audience got to see on Thursday. John Wall might not be exactly the Wall of old, but he’s playing some terrific basketball and he and Victor Oladipo have quickly formed a chemistry to lead the Rockets on both ends of the floor. Christian Wood is flourishing as a budding star at the center position, and Eric Gordon is still capable of big scoring outbursts. What’s really stood out recently is the defensive effort they’ve put in, led by their backcourt and the ever-present energy of P.J. Tucker. They are the rare team to trade a generational superstar and immediately become a more enjoyable team to watch.

EAST

Atlanta Hawks

After a three-year hiatus, the Hawks are pretty good again, and they are also entertaining. Granted, Atlanta had a pretty ugly stretch in early January with four straight losses in rather hideous fashion but, at (relatively) full strength, this is a quality team that plays an entertaining style. Trae Young doesn’t seem to be beloved by everyone, but he’s a dynamic scorer, an otherworldly passer, and a true showman. He has quality, highlight-producing lob threats in John Collins and Clint Capela, an emerging standout forward in De’Andre Hunter, and a playing style captained by head coach Lloyd Pierce that is modern in nature. Atlanta’s broadcast is bolstered by the sultry tones of longtime voice Bob Rathbun, who makes you feel like you’re in capable hands for 48 minutes. Finally, the Hawks also have fantastic new jerseys to enhance the experience, and their MLK-inspired court design, including a stained glass logo at center court, is elite.

New York Knicks

It is an embarrassment of riches to have Mike Breen and Clyde Frazier as a team’s primary commentators. Breen is arguably the No. 1 play-by-play voice in the league, Frazier has a truly unique approach, and the overall broadcast experience is delightful. The Knicks may not scream out as an eminently watchable team on the court but, in a weird way, it is almost refreshing to watch a Tom Thibodeau-led bunch. Julius Randle is off to a sensational start, as he and R.J. Barrett play a ton of minutes, and the supporting cast, including rookie Immanuel Quickley, have been a pleasant surprise. New York is more competitive this season under his leadership, and the Knicks deploy a style that few teams utilize in the modern game. They grind out possessions, lean heavily on the same cast of characters and generally overachieve. It may not be everyone’s aesthetic cup of tea, but too much similarity can be a bad thing when you’re flipping around on League Pass. The Knicks are different, and for the first time in awhile, a worthy watch on a nightly basis.

Indiana Pacers

The Pacers are a really good basketball team once again, and with rare few national TV appearances, they’re a team you kind of have to go out of your way to watch. When you do, though, they’re a delight, as Nate Bjorkgren and his coaching staff has given them some new life on offense with their new, Raptors-esque system, but with some twists as they lean heavily on All-Star Domantas Sabonis, who is off to another terrific start. Malcolm Brogdon has regained his three-point stroke this season and is making Indiana look like they got a bargain when they signed him two summers ago. Jeremy Lamb and Doug McDermott are giving them admirable contributions as they wait on T.J. Warren and Caris LeVert to make their season debuts for the Pacers, and so this is a team that figures to only get more intriguing as the season wears on and everyone is able to play. Oh, they also have the man who likely should be the DPOY frontrunner in Myles Turner, who is blocking everything with 4.2 rejections a game and has found his groove offensively as well. They’re a very enjoyable watch, with tremendous fundamentals on both ends of the floor with some star caliber play mixed in.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Take a trip to SexLand next time you find yourself trying to pick from the early slate on League Pass and I assure you won’t be disappointed. Like the Pacers, the Cavs are a team that’s still waiting for everyone to get back on the court, as they’ve had a number of injuries pop up, including one that’s limited Kevin Love to just two appearances on the year. However, Collin Sexton is a budding star on offense, shooting the ball at a preposterous rate this season, and he’s capable of taking over games, as the Nets learned last week. Darius Garland has also taken a positive step forward in his sophomore season, making SexLand a very real movement on the banks of Lake Erie. Larry Nance Jr. is currently banged up but should be back soon and he is the glue that holds this Cavs team together, wreaking havoc defensively and providing spacing and energy offensively as a connector. Andre Drummond is very much enjoying life in Cleveland, leading the league in rebounding for the fourth straight season and packing in 18 points per game as well. Jarrett Allen provides a different energy to Drummond, but has quickly made himself at home in the Cavs rotation and just overall this team is a joy to watch for the way they play on a nightly basis. I’ve also learned to love Austin Carr, and if you embrace his energy this is just a great team to watch.

Charlotte Hornets

I’ve found myself watching a lot of Hornets games this season, which I didn’t anticipate coming into the season, but they’ve been a lot of fun. Gordon Hayward is having a career-best start to the season and looks to be at home with this Hornets team. Terry Rozier was thought to be potentially the odd man out when they drafted LaMelo Ball, but is likewise off to a terrific start and proving that there’s room for all three of their guards, along with Devonte’ Graham, to get theirs and also work together to make this Charlotte offense hum. Ball is a joy in transition and makes a couple passes a game that are worth tuning in for, even if he’s still got plenty to work on in terms of his own scoring efficiency. Miles Bridges has really found his niche as the sixth man for this Charlotte team and P.J. Washington is a bit of a do-it-all glue guy. They don’t win every night, but they’re often competitive and their broadcast crew of Eric Collins and Dell Curry is a fun one who bring some welcome energy to the 7 p.m. window that they often occupy.

Because we’ll be feeling the surreal effects of Donald Trump’s presidency for years to come, Louise Linton, the wife of Trump’s former Treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin, just dropped a trailer for Me You Madness, a “modern romantic comedy” written, directed, and starring Linton as a murderous, sex-addicted hedge fund manager. The film also stars Gossip Girl‘s Ed Westwick who, judging by the trailer, and despite numerous accusations of sexual assault again him, appears to be the only other actor in this thing. There’s also an unusual amount of dancing and numerous glamour shots of Linton.

The whole thing looks like American Psycho meets Real Housewives, but with the unshakably weird vibe of knowing that a former cabinet member pulled some powerful strings to help his wife make a movie in which her character says, quoting directly from a voiceover in the trailer, “I’m a hedge fund manager. I’m addicted to fashion, the accumulation of money, exercise, and sex. My life is incredible.”

Here’s the official synopsis:

“Me You Madness” tells the deliciously wicked tale about a beautiful, ruthlessly ambitious, intelligent, and successful businesswoman, Catherine Black (Louise Linton). She lives a life of luxury having an architectural dream house in Malibu, exclusive designer fashions, fast cars, and exquisite jewelry. She has no need for a man except to satisfy her natural serial killer instinct, literally. When Tyler (Ed Westwick), a petty thief, responds to her online roommate ad, he thinks he’s struck gold. He has no idea that after a night of partying and passion, he is really just on her menu to be her next victim until real romance gets in the way.

Me You Madness is available for VOD streaming on February 12.

(Via STX Films)

Despite a handful of optimistic festival announcements, the return of live music still doesn’t look to be closing in (unless you live in New Zealand). With the absence of in-person events, many artists have been turning to both free and paid livestream concerts to keep their fans engaged.

This week on Indiecast, Steven Hyden and Ian Cohen discuss the pros and cons of a virtual future for the live music industry. Is livestreaming here to stay? Is it all even worth paying for? While it’s great to see your favorite artists perform, it’s hard to feel the same magic you get from being in a room with other music fans. Earlier this year, concert database Bandsintown announced a paid tier of their service, wherein fans can unlock live performances from artists like Phoebe Bridgers, Adrianne Lenker, and more. This, combined with long-running livestream organizations like Audiotree, could indicate big shifts for the music industry as we know it.

In this week’s Recommendation Corner, Cohen has been digging Portrayal Of Guilt, who released Garden Of Despair, a new EP, earlier this year. Hyden is taking a step away from new music this week, encouraging wants listeners to check out Miranda Reinert’s new music-centric newsletter, Something Old.

New episodes of Indiecast drop every Friday. Listen to Episode 24 on Apple Podcasts and Spotify below, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts here. Stay up to date and follow us on Instagram and Twitter.

Mario Judah‘s reign of terror continues. The metal-inspired rapper/singer has been on a tear ever since unnerving and intriguing hip-hop fans with his “Die Very Rough” video. The combination of aesthetics is something we’ve rarely seen in the genre, especially coming from someone so obviously rooted within it. Judah’s just as likely to release a tape aping the manic ad-lib antics of Playboi Carti or belt out a cover of DaBaby’s “Rockstar” as he is to launch into an Undertaker theme song-inspired, guttural howl.

That’s the quality he brings to Chicago native Tes X’s new single, “It’s Time To Rock.” It’s apt recruitment for Tes X, who spends most of his verses maneuvering through more familiar territory with a singsong flow reminiscent of Lil Yachty’s. If you’re going to title your song “It’s Time To Rock,” who better to feature than the newcomer who deftly embodies the synergy between two seemingly diametrically opposed genres?

Sidebar: If Mario Judah’s gothic presentation throws you off, take a trip to the early ’90s, where groups like Bone-Thugz-N-Harmony and GraveDiggaz embraced a similar horrorcore aesthetic long before Judah was even born. His look isn’t too far off from theirs and the video’s eerie setting in a dilapidated hospital has been utilized by many of hip-hop’s biggest stars, including Eminem, who’s taken the whole, “I’m a serial murderer” schtick to its absolute terminus. I say all that to say: Get used to Mario Judah. He may well be the first trap-metal star to stick in this game of ours, and a little boundary-pushing is almost never a bad thing in the long run.

Listen to “It’s Time To Rock” above.

Portland Trail Blazers big man Enes Kanter continues to publicly decry the Turkish government and its president, Tayyip Erdogan, and it appears he has the backing of John Cusack. After Kanter challenged the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, for taking a meeting with Erdogan over a partnership between Turkey and SpaceX on space technology, Cusack chimed in, too, with the hopes of explaining why the two have a mutually beneficial partnership.

For those wondering, bauxite is the rock that aluminum comes from, and lithium is well, lithium. It powers batteries and the like, something that would very obviously be beneficial to someone like Musk, whose has a number of business ventures (Tesla, SpaceX, etc.) that would benefit from an agreement that makes it easier to produce batteries. This is, unsurprisingly, nowhere near the first time that Cusack has used his social media presence to criticize Musk.

It’s also far from the first time Kanter has challenged Erdogan. The Turkish government revoked Kanter’s passport back in 2017 and threatened to arrest him if he comes near the country. Erdogan’s people have even accused Kanter’s family of terrorism. Even after all that — plus the Turkish government targeting his New York sports camps in 2019 — Kanter remains dedicated to calling out Erdogan for numerous human rights violations, including jailing political opponents and violently responding to protests by the Turkish people.

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — I must have Giamatti

My knowledge of the stock market could fit inside a Dixie cup. Multiple people have explained short-selling to me multiple times and I still do not fully understand why or how it exists. I am not the person you should look to for answers about the GameStop/Reddit/Robinhood stonks situation, unless you are looking for someone to say something like “Hmm, this seems kind of hilarious.” If you want more helpful analysis, look here. I do not understand it and I do not particularly want to.

What do I understand, on the other hand, is formulaic Hollywood productions based loosely on real-life events. This is kind of my specialty, honestly, thanks to many years of watching movies on basic cable on rainy Saturdays. So while I cannot help you sort through your stock portfolio in the wake of various chaos-adjacent events that involve many arrows pointing in many different directions, I can help you dreamcast a movie based on all of it. It’s very useful. I have not wasted my life at all. Let’s do it.

Two notes before we begin:

• Again, this is a lightly-fictionalized version, only because it is much more fun that way
• I am operating without a budget because it is also much more fun that way

Here we go:

The evil hedge fund CEO — Walton Goggins, obviously

The embattled-but-sweet CEO of a GameStop-type company whose name is something like Gamer Heaven — Michael Keaton, although an argument can be made that we should shoot for someone younger like a Nicholas Braun in full “Cousin Greg from Succession”-mode

The Reddit-type daytraders who moderate the forum where it all starts, which is called like HotStockTipz — Manny Jacinto and Jake Johnson, because I love them

The intrepid young finance reporter who won’t stop pursuing the story even as it goes all the way to the top — Zendaya, with her hair pulled back and a pencil stuck in there

The intrepid young finance reporter’s editor/mentor who is skeptical at first but later encourages her to keep chasing the story even as pressure from corporate forces puts his own job and/or life in danger — John David Washington, just being as principled and righteous as all hell

Some as-yet-undetermined character played by an unshaven Jonah Hill — Jonah Hill

The idealist lawyer who runs a small firm that is cluttered with papers and boxes but is secretly brilliant and leads the class action — Paul Giamatti, in his full flustered and rumpled glory, with a dress shirt on and a tie that is so loose it looks like a necklace and, for some reason, suspenders

The young associate at the lawyer’s firm who is a mousy research genius and also at one point at the beginning of the third act shows up to a fancy event in a strapless gown and no eyeglasses and suddenly everyone is like “I had no idea she was attractive!” even though she’s been played by Anna Kendrick the entire movie — Anna Kendrick, although Aubrey Plaza can work here, too

The Elon Musk-type billionaire who tweets too much — James Wolk, who already played an Elon Musk-type in Billions and was killed off when he blew himself up in his own spaceship, which I point out here because it is still very funny to me

The cable news anchor who reports on all of this in little snippets the audience only sees over the shoulders of other characters who have it on in the background — Jay Jackson, in part because he plays an anchor or reporter in everything and in part so I can shout “That’s Perd Hapley from Parks and Recreation!” every time he shows up, every time I watch, to the great annoyance of everyone I know

The sleazy senator who is in the pocket of Wall Street — Eric Roberts, because no one does sleazy authority figures better, with the possible exception of Joaquim de Almeida

The aide to the sleazy senator who realizes he’s on the wrong side of history after a rousing speech by the young lawyer who he also develops a thing for — Zac Efron, mostly so I can remind you how much I loved his eco-travel show

The good senator — Salma Hayek, just giving passionate speeches during Senate hearings and saying stuff like “The people deserve answers!”

The President of the United States of America — Angela Bassett, because more movies should feature Angela Bassett as the president and if I’m the one putting together the cast of this sucker then I’m going to get the ball rolling

I look forward to watching this movie 700 times on TNT in the next decade, preferably in a mini-marathon with The Accountant.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — Rest in peace, Larry

Larry King passed away. That stinks. Larry King was an institution on television. He was on television as long as I’ve had a television. He was extremely on television, too, in a way very few people have been or will be. Think about it this way: Larry King was on television so long that it’s hard to remember a time before there were jokes about Larry King being on television a long time. Losing him and Alex Trebek and Regis Philbin in the span of a year feels like the universe turning a page in a very harsh and unwelcome way. Also, his real name was Larry Ziegler and he just up and decided one day to go by Larry King. Larry King was such a cultural institution that we did not stop and find it hilarious that there was a person who changed his name to “Larry King.” That is not nothing. Not even close.

He did a lot in that time on television. He interviewed presidents and world leaders and movie stars and asked them whatever questions he wanted to, because he was Larry King. He was also deeply weird in a way not enough people are anymore. He had Kermit and Miss Piggy on his show and asked them about their hypothetical offspring. He did a hedgehog impression while interviewing Ben Schwartz — who voiced Sonic the Hedgehog in the live-action Sonic movie, a character and movie Larry King knew nothing about and did not bother to begin learning about until they were recording the interview — and it remains one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. (It’s in the video up there. Watch it.) He tweeted, a lot, or rather had someone tweet things for him. It was a modern extension of a column he wrote at USA Today for years and it was… hmm. I think the easiest way to explain Larry King’s tweets is to show you a few. The only thing you need to know is that context for them is unnecessary because context for them never existed.

Just perfect. Larry King, in the ninth decade of his life, became an iconic poster. That’s not nothing either.

People loved him, too. After his death, The Hollywood Reporter ran a kind of as-told-to piece from a longtime waitress at his favorite Los Angeles diner. Look at this collection of words.

On weekends, he would come in a little later but he always ate the same thing. I would have two bowls waiting on the table, filled with plain blueberries. He took coffee with heaps of ice — a lotta, lotta ice and always more ice than coffee — and 20 packets of Splenda with nonfat milk. He would even put Splenda on the blueberries. A long time ago, he used to throw the empty packets on the floor and we would get mad and say, “Larry! You can’t do that.”

Then he would eat matzo brei burned. Or lox and onions burned. Finally, one day I had to ask, “Larry, what is wrong with you? Why do you eat all of this food burned?” He said, “Gloria, I don’t like the taste of eggs so I only want to taste it burned.” He hated eggs.

Again, just fantastically weird in a charming way. He was Larry King all the time and he loved it. He was still going viral as recently as a few weeks ago. It feels weird to know that he won’t be doing that anymore, or sitting behind home plate during Dodgers playoff games, eating ice cream in the front row, just over the batter’s shoulder, always there, a part of the action even when he’s not directly involved in the action like he always was. It doesn’t feel right.

Rest in peace, King.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — This is so stupid… but I love it

The trailer for Godzilla vs. Kong came out last weekend and I straight-up lost my mind about it. I pitched a post on it to my editor via text on a Sunday afternoon (sorry, Brett), and I had 1700 words up about it Monday morning. This may seem silly and unnecessary to you in a profoundly stupid way. This is fair. I have no great defense for any of it beyond pointing you to the GIF above, in which King Kong punches Godzilla square in his scaly jaw. This is so funny to me for reasons I cannot and will not articulate. It is so, so funny. BLAMMO. I would watch this movie if it were just two hours of these fictional beasts clobbering each other with haymakers. This is, for better and worse, what I am about.

Anyway, a few days later, just when I was ready to move on, this happened.

There’s a serious issue here related to this being a fictional fight and a large group of people presumably knowing the outcome and how all of this creates the possibility of stonk-like manipulation for profit. I assume this is all baked into “odds” by the people involved, but I will not be entertaining any of it. I didn’t even look it up before I posted that tweet in here and I’m not going to look it up ever. Why would I? It’s beautiful and funny and harmless to picture an actual gambling market developing around a fictional fight between Godzilla and King Kong, and I refuse to go and investigate the joy out of it.

No one tell me. I’ll be so mad.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Meanwhile, on 9-1-1 Lonestar…

This is a young woman named Lily. She popped up on this week’s episode of 9-1-1 Lonestar, standing on the griddle of her vegan Tex-Mex food truck, which was:

• Named Guac and Roll
• Overrun with scorpions

A reasonable argument can be made that I should have led with the scorpion thing. And I would certainly listen to that argument if the scorpions were the biggest threat she was facing, which they were not, because lava.

I’ll explain via additional bullet points:

• 9-1-1 Lonestar featured a volcanic eruption this week
• There are, to my knowledge, no volcanoes in Texas, where the show is set
• None of this is important

What is important, though, is how Lily escaped. It involved a panicked 911 call and an operator who opened the Wikipedia on scorpions (not joking) and then said this sentence…

Lily chased off hundreds of scorpions by squirting cilantro lime vinaigrette at them (scorpions dislike acid, according to Wikipedia), and then was pulled from her food truck by EMTs as the lava from the Texas volcano swallowed Guac and Roll whole.

Really just a wonderful television program.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — I would like to talk about the patio table grill from The Gentlemen

The Gentlemen is not my favorite Guy Ritchie film, which is surprising because The Gentlemen features Matthew McConaughey as a refined American weed magnate in London who goes to war with a Choice-Making Jeremy Strong. Hugh Grant shows up as a real slimy weasel. It’s got so much going for it. In theory, I should love it. And yet… eh.

But.

There was one part of it that fascinated me at the time and still fascinates me years later: the combination grill/table that Charlie Hunnam’s character has in his yard. Watch the video at the top of this section. It looks so cool. I want it. I need it. I must know more about it. And luckily, now I do, thanks to the website Film and Furniture. It turns out it was Guy Ritchie’s grill. Kind of.

“It’s his personal invention which he has gradually refined to the fabulous object you saw in the film” [production designer Gemma] Jackson says. “It’s very clever. You sit around it and keep warm as your legs are tucked under the table where there is the warmth from the burning embers. Guy throws furs etc over the chairs so that he can entertain outside all the year around.”

Is it weird that I’m mad about this? That I’m upset that Guy Ritchie is a successful film director and grill/table inventor? It’s weird. At the very least it’s petty. It’s not a great look to be jealous of someone else’s accomplishments and/or grill. I’m more upset about the grill, if I’m being honest here. I feel like that makes it more understandable.

It was chosen for this scene because it was felt to be sufficiently innovative for a bit of a dark horse like the character Ray: “It wasn’t originally in the script but as we all thought about it, the idea stuck and we put it in Ray’s garden” Jackson continues.

I like to picture the entire cast sitting around Guy Ritchie’s flaming patio table the day before production started and one of them — let’s all agree it was Jeremy Strong — saying “This table should be in the movie.” And then it just was. This makes me even angrier somehow. I’m not proud of any of this.

The good news: This will soon be available for chumps like you and me to purchase, courtesy of Guy Ritchie.

Soon to be launched by the Gritchie Kitchen Company, it was designed by Guy Ritchie in collaboration with Gritchie Kitchens’ technical Director Nigel True. It will be available in four sizes, from a large BBQ table to a smaller portable picnic size.

I must have the biggest one. I must have it as soon as possible and I must have all of you over in groups of 8-10 once we are allowed to hang out again. You have to bring the food, though. And the beer. And you have to promise not to be too weird about it. A little weird is okay. But don’t ruin this for everyone, okay?

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Lee:

I was thinking about Wynn Duffy and then I said “Twin Duffy” out loud and now in quiet moments I find myself creating a post-Justified life for him based around the premise that he has an identical twin whose couch he is crashing on. His brother’s name is Wayne and he is absolutely guileless, Wayne’s wife doesn’t trust Wynn because he’s shady, and Wayne’s daughter thinks he’s the bee’s knees because he’s a dirtbag uncle and also his pointers paid off big time when she tried out for the high school tennis team. Who would you like to find out has an identical twin, and would they be a good twin (twins power used mainly for hijinks) or an evil twin (parenthetical here for symmetry)?

Well, guess what: I love it. That’s not a surprise, I suppose. I’m not a complicated person. This is an email that references one of my favorite television characters ever and includes the phrase “Twin Duffy” and mentions evil identical siblings. I was always going to love it. Thank you, Lee.

As far as your question goes, I think I would like to see what the evil twin of Jason Mendoza from The Good Place is like, both because it would be fun and because I’ve been thinking about him since I mentioned Manny Jacinto 2800 words ago. He would have a mustache, of course, like all evil twins, but everything beyond that is a conundrum. Would he love Tom Brady and the Patriots, seeing as they are the opposite of Blake Bortles and the Jaguars? Would he be way into, like, fine dining or salads? Would he hate dancing and chaos and heaving fiery bottles at things that displease him? It’s dawning on me as I type this that maybe Jason Mendoza was already the evil twin. He doesn’t look too great on paper.

No. No, I take that back. Jason Mendoza was a sweet man. And he didn’t have a mustache. Let’s just give him a twin who looks and behaves exactly the same and let’s let them start a two-man breakdancing team. This seems reasonable to me.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Southern California!

“Jackass” reality TV and film star Brandon “Bam” Margera briefly stopped into a San Marcos gas station’s convenience store Wednesday morning to get gas and charge his phone before having his Bentley stolen, the star said.

This sentence is quite a journey, and yes, the main reason I say that is because Bam Margera got his Bentley stolen from a gas station he was at, but also, like… who charges their phone at the gas station? Does Bam Margera not have a car charger? Is this something people do? Would you ever walk into a gas station and be like “I’m just filling up on pump six but while I’m here can I quick grab a charge, too?” I don’t think it would even dawn on me to do this unless it was an emergency. Especially if I looked like Bam Margera, who, I mean this in the nicest way possible, does not look like a dude you would see pull up in a Bentley and say “This is a straight shooter if I ever saw one. I’ll let him use my outlets.”

I don’t know. I guess the bigger issue is the stolen luxury car. Let’s find out more about that.

Margera told NBC 7 he had an early morning appointment with a shaman in Escondido in San Diego’s North County. He lives in Southern California and decided to drive down early the night before and spend the night rather than make the drive early the next morning for the appointment.

This is starting to make more sense now. They probably should have mentioned the shaman in the first sentence, really. There are not many stories that can surprise me if they start with a visit to a shaman. Kind of sets a tone, you know? Anything could happen on that journey.

Margera said one of the men in the group made a request to drive the Bentley. Margera didn’t think much of it, so he agreed. He got in the passenger seat with one of the men driving and the other members of the group in the back seat, and allowed them to take a “quick spin around the block,” he said.

Margera then asked to go back to the gas station so he could get his phone.

He said he exited the vehicle, entered the convenience store, looked back outside and the car was gone.

Let’s unpack this, briefly. Bam saw some dudes at a gas station and they wanted some pictures of his Bentley. I’m with it so far. It’s the next step, though. The one where he lets a total stranger drive his $250k car and he goes along for the ride — during a pandemic — without his cell phone because he was charging it at the gas station. This is… this is something. It’s somehow more reckless than anything he did in any of the Jackass movies. If he did this in a Jackass movie — after, say, trying to ramp a volcano in a go-kart — I’d be like, “Okay, now this is all getting out of hand.”

The deputy followed and tried to stop the Bentley, then the driver briefly stopped to allow two men to get out before the driver sped off “at a high rate of speed into a nearby residential neighborhood,” Lopez said.

“Deputies temporarily lost sight of the car but found that it had crashed into a house and the car was not occupied,” said Lopez. “There was damage to the home but no injuries to the residents.”

It sounds crazy, I know, but given the way this all started and the way it developed from there, “and then the guy crashed Bam Margera’s Bentley into a house” feels like the most logical way for this story to end.