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‘Bliss’ Director Mike Cahill On Why Salma Hayek Is The Storm And Owen Wilson Is The Life Boat

Talking with some directors, they seem practiced and thoroughly confident in all their responses, as if they’ve said the same thing already 20 times before. Mike Cahill is not like that. He stumbles, he doubles back, he elaborates, and when he’s done he seems to evaluate your reactions to him to determine if he’s gotten through. This, in a way, makes me trust him, like a reverse Dunning-Kruger effect. Anyone who seems to say exactly what they want to must be full of shit.

For me, the best kind of director is the kind who lets their ideas drive them a little mad, whose movies feel more like an attempt to answer a question rather than a point they wish to get across. Which may be why I interpret Cahill’s lack of certainty as a positive quality. His movies — Another Earth, I Origins, and this week’s Bliss, for Amazon — are tricky, sci-fi in a way the doesn’t immediately read sci-fi.

Basically, the entire tension of Bliss, in fact, which stars Owen Wilson and Salma Hayek as dimension-crossed lovers, is based on whether what we’re watching is a sci-fi movie set in the future or… not. The film, which seems to riff on every Elon Musk-esque idea about the nature of reality and the possibility of the future, is brilliant at messing with your sense of reality while blurring its own. In the end, its truth may be simpler than we thought. Or… not. Cahill seems to defy the simple read.

I spoke to him this week about just what he was on about, and about what he saw in the odd combination of Owen Wilson and Salma Hayek that made him want to stick them together.

When did you wrap shooting for this, and how much did COVID affect it?

We wrapped before the pandemic happened. We shot it in the summer of 2019, so basically a year and a half ago. And then we were working through post-production, and post-production halted because of COVID, and then we went remote and finished it that way.

Was the timeline longer for this than your other projects, or is that pretty standard?

I’ll tell you, it was crazy. I’m so fortunate. It depends on whether one likes the movie or not, but I appreciate where we’ve landed in the edit. Where I started, it wasn’t working for me. COVID gave us a hiatus basically in post-production, and I didn’t watch the movie for two months. It was this weird blessing in disguise because when I came back to it, I realized there was all this intentionality that I wanted to infuse in each scene that I was falling short of. Self-critically I thought, “This could be better.” That time away gave me the space to see that, and then we changed a lot of the edit remotely and wrapped it up that way.

There’s that old adage that you write something and it’s brilliant, and then you stick it in your desk drawer, and then by the next morning it turns into dog shit. Was having time away

By the way, I should say, I love your work. I love your writing and everything. I think you have a great sense of humor.

Thank you. [For any of you conspiracy-minded readers, I assure you I wrote my review before the director complimented my work.]

No, but my stuff turns into dog shit all the time. I’m trying to love dog shit. That’s my problem now.

I just mean, did having that distance from it allow you to sort of find your angle that you wanted all along?

Yeah, it did. I was able to see what was essential and what was inessential. There were certain scenes that I’d cut out, but I put back in. The whole purpose is so that final moment of the film resonates when [SPOILER REDACTED AND PLACED AT THE END OF THE ARTICLE] The dominoes had to fall to make that land emotionally for me. It wasn’t until after that two-month break. I wish I could make that part of the schedule moving forward on every project. You have to sit on your hands for two months and not look at it before everyone else watches it.

The parallel universe aspect in Bliss, it feels like it draws on a lot of ideas about life in the future that come out of Silicon Valley. Did you have a specific set of things that you were playing with there?

I should say this. All that stuff fascinates me on an intellectual level, but the origin of the idea really came from an emotional place. For me, I wanted to tell a story that looked at the fragility of the human mind with empathy. Our brains are fragile, and there may be people in your life that you love deeply, but you see the world completely different from them. It can be for any number of reasons. It could be political, it could be that their brain is deteriorating, it could be addiction. Just whatever it may be, perhaps there’s something not right with their mind, but they see the world so vastly different than you that there’s almost no common ground. Reaching out and connecting with them is hard to do. In that context, I thought, “Well, I really want to tell a story about someone.” In this case, it’s Emily, the daughter who despite the fact that it’s very hard and she doesn’t see the world that he sees, that rich detailed, strange landscape that’s all infused with his emotions, even though she doesn’t see it, she doesn’t give up on him and it makes a difference. That’s a story that you could tell with none of the Silicon Valley simulation theory stuff. It would be like an indie drama story that might be a little bit sad and heavy, but I thought, well, that’s the core idea. If I can do it through science fiction, but where I can turn two different viewpoints into two literal worlds. Science fiction turns metaphors into literal places or things.

So to answer your short question in a long way, yes. I’ve always been interested in simulation theory, that 2003 Nick Bostrom paper, Are We Living in a Simulation, an awesome read because you get to the end of it and you’re like, “Okay. We are.” Someone made a pretty reasoned logical argument for it. I also love where science and spirituality meet. Simulation theory is a way for nerds to talk about theology, basically. For me, those feel like two different worlds that there’s a tiny microscopic overlap, and that’s what I wanted to explore.

Right. You mentioned addiction. Were you attempting to delve into that experience at all?

How do I answer this? I wanted to create a framework. If you as the audience arrive in a movie and addiction is something relevant to your personal life, obviously you’re going to project that upon the movie. If the issue is a political thing, the climate change deniers or whatever it may be, or if it’s mental health, Alzheimer’s, it’s whatever that thing that separates you from someone else’s worldview. The movie creates a framework to allow you to understand those emotions without all the contextual clues. Yes, we have Safe Harbor in the movie and it’s a rehab place. Yes, we have these crystals, those methods, those are the things that are less important than the emotions behind it, I guess. That’s a long-winded way to say, “kind of.”

The metaphor is more important than the thing it’s a metaphor for. Would that be fair to say?

Yeah. Metaphors don’t exist without the human. If I said, “Hey, man, in my backyard I got this old tree next to my swimming pool, and old tree’s roots are busting into my swimming pool.” You’re going to say, “Wow. That’s a metaphor for X.” I don’t know what’s a metaphor. It’s a three-way process. It just creates a framework to understand a bridge between two different worlds. That’s the idea.

Right. In the movie, Owen Wilson’s coworkers at the technical difficulties, which I loved, they seem kind of mean and a little predatory. Was that a conscious thing that you were going for there?

I love how you say, “Right.” I feel like I talk too long, and then you just answer with, “…Right.”

Hey, there’s only so much follow-up you can do in 15 minutes.

No. It’s totally fair, it just makes me feel embarrassed for my answers. What was the question?

His coworkers. They’re a little bit predatory.

Before I write a script, I write a long outline. For me, first-person emotional narrative is key. I want to understand what the main dude is feeling all the way through. I’ll write basically what doesn’t look like a script. It’s just like a scrawl of, “I feel the noise at the office. I feel the tension. I feel like everybody’s looking at me in this weird way.” I’ll walk through the emotionality of what the story is first so that I can feel him. Then when you write the script, you utilize all the things that can help convey that emotion that the first-person protagonist is feeling. It’s hard to do and I might’ve failed miserably, but it heightens the tone in a strange way. …If you say, “Right,” man, I swear.

Right is just my filler word, where I try to buy time to think of something smart to say. No, but I get it. I feel like the tension in your work, in this one and some of the other ones, is us trying to figure out whether it’s sci-fi or not as we’re watching it. Other filmmakers, they set you in it and you’re like, “Okay. We’re in the future now,” but you seem that you’re deliberately blurring that line.

Yeah. I don’t want to trick you into saying, “Is this sci-fi? It’s not sci-fi. It is a little bit.” I just like one variable change from our reality. Another Earth: there’s another earth literally in the sky. It’s a duplicate earth, and we use that as a way to look at forgiveness. That’s the whole point of the movie is one change. In I Origins, I make the eyes the fingerprint to the soul so that reincarnation is true. I use that one change in reality to say don’t be so afraid of death, and grief doesn’t have to be so massive. There’s an emotional catharsis there.

Here, I use simulation theory, one change, although there’s a lot more ramifications. That is one way to say, “Here are two different worlds. Can you reach across those two different worlds and connect to a loved one who you lose?” That’s my jam. Some people dig it, some people don’t, but I realized even in my new script I’m doing the same thing again. I like that. For me, that feels like a rich territory where you don’t lose the relatability factor.

I liked it a lot. So what did you see in your two leads? What made you want them to be the ones to be in the story?

It’s going to sound a little esoteric, but fuck it. First of all, they’re among the finest actors that we have, but that’s obvious. The qualities that they have though are very specific in addition to this range and ability. The esoteric part is there’s an art form or an art movement, this word called “the sublime.” It’s from English painting in the 19th century. The idea is it’d be a man standing on a mountain against the Alps and the dauntingness of the Alps, against this backdrop, or a small boat in a storm that’s huge. Something about that life raft in that crazy storm creates the sublime because you put yourself in the point of view of the boat. There’s something powerful about that. It’s like when you witness the universe for the first time or you conceive of how big it is. It produces fear and beauty simultaneously.

In a weird way, I felt like Salma was the storm. She had that power and that raw, that energy of the storm, and Owen to me felt like the boat, the life raft that we could hold on to. Our vocabulary is deficient to be able to even talk about acting very well, but that quality that he has, it gives me the feeling of the sublime. When you put those two together, they’ve never been together in a film, and it felt like that combustion would be spectacular. I adore their performances.
‘Bliss’ is currently streaming via Amazon Prime. Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.

[THE SPOILER — read at your own risk]

…where you feel like it’s a choice to be here when he says, “This woman says she’s my daughter, and I believe her.” He’s not saying, “This world is real.” He’s saying, “I’m choosing to be here,” and then he says, “Sorry, I’m late,” and she says, “You’re not late. You’re here.” For that to land, there are things that had to be in place.

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Kevin Garnett On The NBA’s Evolution: ‘I Don’t Think Guys From 20 Years Ago Could Play Now’

Every sport sees a constant evolution in the game, both in the caliber of athletes that play it and the style of play that maximize their abilities. In basketball, it’s been an embrace of pace and space, a phrase that has become a cliche of sorts to describe what teams want to do, running the floor and shooting three-pointers.

It’s the combination of the level of athleticism and skill that has become the baseline in the NBA these days, with players of all sizes capable of putting the ball on the floor and, most of them, also being able to shoot out to the three-point line (and well beyond it), and the embrace of analytics, which point to where the easiest and most efficient shots are to be taken at the rim and from three-point range. The change in how the game is played irks some former players, as evidenced by the constant gripes on shows like Inside the NBA that there are too many threes taken and not enough post ups.

However, for others like Kevin Garnett, who is much closer to his playing days than a Charles Barkley, they can recognize the immense amount of skill required to succeed in the modern NBA — in part because they paved the way for this radical change. Garnett recently did an interview with the New York Times in which he explained why he doesn’t think most players, not just bigs but even guards, from 20 years ago when he came into the league would struggle to find their way in today’s game.

The game is at another level. I know you said that you made the team with Vancouver, but I want you to get on a court, sprint corner to corner, stop on a dime and shoot a 3. I want you to do 10 of those. Then I want you to focus on how tired you are. Because these players do that for 48 minutes. I don’t think guys from 20 years ago could play in this game. Twenty years ago, guys used their hands to control players. Now you can’t use your hands. That makes defense damn near impossible. Can you imagine not hand-checking Michael Jordan? Naw. The fact that you can’t touch players gives the offensive player so much flexibility. Defensive players have to take angles away and stuff like that. But if you have any creativity and ambition, you can be a great offensive player in this league. The fadeaways, one-leg runners, the one-leg balance shots — that’s stuff that Dirk Nowitzki brought to our game. And now when I watch Joker play, it feels like he has taken that Dirkness and mixed it with his own talent. And Steph Curry revolutionized things with being able to shoot it from distance with such consistency. Klay Thompson. Dame Lillard. These guards changed the game. I don’t know if even the guards from 20 or 30 years ago could play in this time right here. It’s creative. It’s competitive. It’s saucy. You’ll get dropped! A [expletive] will cross you over and break your A.C.L. these days. The game is in a great place.

It’s always nice to hear former players give flowers to the current stars in the league rather than complain about how things are different, and Garnett, along with Allen Iverson, is among the best at doing so. That’s in part due to the fact that he saw this evolution happen during his career and only stepped off the court a few years ago, so he has seen it up close and seen how good all these guys are. It’s also just being able to see that different isn’t bad and also recognized that the differences separate players both ways. He mentions the lack of hand-checking, which is a common refrain from older players to disparage the lack of defense today, but Garnett notes how that allows for more offensive creativity and, in his words, have made the game “saucy.”

He’s not putting down his generation of players, but simply noting that the game has moved to an almost unrecognizable place, which isn’t a bad thing.

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All The Best New Music From This Week That You Need To Hear

Keeping up with new music can be exhausting, even impossible. From the weekly album releases to standalone singles dropping on a daily basis, the amount of music is so vast it’s easy for something to slip through the cracks. Even following along with the Uproxx recommendations on a daily basis can be a lot to ask, so every Monday we’re offering up this rundown of the best new music this week.

This week saw Cardi B deliver her first drop of the year and Foo Fighters return with a long-awaited album. Yeah, it was a great week for new music. Check out the highlights below.

Cardi B — “Up”

“WAP” was one of the most talked-about singles of 2020, making it a tough act to follow. Now, though, months later, Cardi B has offered her first single since then: “Up” is a confident new tune with a wild video to match.

Hayley Williams — Flowers For Vases/Descansos

While Williams’ 2020 album Petals For Armor was preceded by an extensive promotional campaign, she kept things far more low-key for her latest effort. Flowers For Vases/Descansos was released last week and the effort arrived after just a few days of heads up and an intentionally “leaked” song.

Julien Baker — “Favor”

One way or another, the members of Boygenius seem to find a way to reunite. They all hopped on a Hayley Williams track last year, and now Baker recruited her supergroup bandmates Phoebe Bridgers and Lucy Dacus to join her on “Favor.” All that’s missing is Adrianne Lenker.

Polo G — “GNF (OKOKOK)”

Polo G enjoyed a strong 2020 (or as much as anybody could enjoy 2020, anyway) thanks to his album The Goat, which was so, so close to topping the charts. Now he’s ready to make an impact in 2021, a campaign he has kicked off with the nonchalant single “GNF (OKOKOK).”

Freddie Gibbs — “Gang Signs” Feat. Schoolboy Q

The headline of Gibbs’ 2020 was his album with the Alchemist, Alfredo. Now he has kicked off his 2021 with another collaboration, and this time, it’s “Gang Signs,” a smooth effort co-piloted by Schoolboy Q.

Vic Mensa — “Shelter” Feat. Wyclef Jean and Chance The Rapper

It’s been a good while since Chicago rappers Chance The Rapper and Vic Mensa teamed up on music together. They both appeared on early projects for each other about a decade ago, but now, all this time later, they’re back on the same song. The occasion that brings them together again is Mensa’s “Shelter,” which also boasts an appearance from Wyclef Jean.

Bobby Session and Megan Thee Stallion — “I’m A King”

Both halves of “WAP” has a big week. Aside from Cardi’s single, Megan Thee Stallion joined Bobby Session on the celebratory Coming 2 America cut “I’m A King.” On top of that, she and Ellen DeGeneres also donated $50,000 to a Houston nurse, so alongside Meg, that nurse also had a pretty strong week.

Pooh Shiesty — Shiesty Season

Pooh Sheisty, one of Gucci Mane’s most exciting 1017 Records signees, has arrived with his first project, Shiesty Season. The 21-year-old is often unaccompanied on the effort, but he makes the guest spots he does include count, as he secured spots from folks like Gucci, 21 Savage, and Lil Durk.

Vampire Weekend — 40:42 EP

“2021” (the song) clocks in at under two minutes and is the shortest song on Vampire Weekend’s 2019 album Father Of The Bride. Now, though, the group has expanded the track big time… or rather, they got some friends to do it. On their new 40:42 EP, they recruited Sam Gendel and Goose to record new versions of the song in their own styles and each new rendition runs for exactly 20:21.

Victoria Monét — “F.*.C.K.”

Relationships today aren’t the same as they were 20 years ago, a reality that Monét acknowledges on “F.*.C.K.,” which is short for “Friend U Can Keep.” She says of the tune, “‘F.*.C.K. is a nod to the millennial and gen Z mindset. We do not have to be confined to traditional commitment ideals, and instead, embody the freedom to be intimate when and with whom we mutually, please! I wanted to give that non-binding friendship intimacy an official name.”

Finneas — “American Cliché”

Finneas has a lot of success writing with his sister Billie Eilish and subsequently for other music stars, but he’s got plenty going on on his own, too. The latest output from his productive solo career is “American Cliché.” Interestingly, the upbeat tune was initially only meant to be performed live, but Finneas’ fans convinced him to record a proper studio version of it.

Foo Fighters — Medicine At Midnight

Dave Grohl and company had their new album finished about a year ago, but due to the pandemic, it took about another year for it to finally come out. After holding the project in for so long, Taylor Hawkins had an apt description for how it felt to finally release it: “[It felt] like taking a big huge sh*t. My stomach’s been hurting for a long time. Finally! A collective sigh of relief. We’ve finally got over our constipation.”

Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

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Steve Bannon Admits Worrying About Democrats’ Emotional And Compelling Case’ Going Into Trump’s Impeachment Trial

As Donald Trump‘s impeachment trial moves ahead in the Senate, the former president’s allies are justifiably concerned that he could face a “PR nightmare” if the trial spends too much time focusing on the deadly January 6 assault on the U.S. Capitol building following a Trump rally. Considering that’s the entire reason Trump was impeached in the first place, it’s going to be very difficult to avoid the topic, which is why his former advisor Steve Bannon has cautioned Trump’s supporters in the Senate.

“The Democrats have a very emotional and compelling case,” Bannon said to Politico. “They’re going to try to convict him in the eyes of the American people and smear him forever.” Obviously, the Capitol riot looks very bad for Trump considering it took place after he spoke to the crowd and told them to “fight like hell” while continuing to push the lie that the 2020 election was stolen. That’s why Trump’s current crop of lawyers will attempt to avoid the subject altogether, and instead, question the constitutionality of impeaching a president after he’s left office. Via Politico:

They also plan to argue that he did not engage in insurrection, saying his fiery speech on the ellipse of the White House was protected by the First Amendment, without indulging a lengthy discussion about what happened on Jan. 6.

“We don’t need to focus on Jan. 6 because this is unconstitutional,” said a person familiar with the strategy, who was not authorized to speak publicly. “There’s a lot of legal technical arguments that are going to be discussed.”

Despite the events of the Capitol riot implicating Trump, it is very likely that he will escape conviction in the Senate. Four Republican senators voted against having the trial, and at least 17 of them would have to vote with the Democrats to convict Trump. At this stage, the main goal for Trump’s team is to get the whole thing over with as quickly as possible.

(Via Politico)

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Victoria Monet Reminded Tom Brady That She And Ariana Grande Had ‘7 Rings’ First

Victoria Monet is slowly coming into her own as a solo artist, after years of working behind the scenes in the music industry and helping other pop stars with their music. Namely, she’s been one of Ariana Grande’s biggest collaborators, assisting the star with songwriting and production, and even frequently performing alongside her. One of the biggest collaborations the two worked on together is Grande’s smash single, “7 Rings,” and with all the discussion about rings after Tom Brady led the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to his seventh Super Bowl victory last night, Monet had to remind everyone that she and Ariana did it first.

“Just remember who had 7 rings first lol,” she wrote on Twitter this morning, a delightful way for pop fans to get in on the Super Bowl discourse. Brady’s latest Super Bowl win puts him in rare position as the only player in the league to achieve that many wins, but Monet’s joke asserts that he might’ve gotten there now, but she was already there. In the end, both the pop song and Brady are record-breaking elements of culture we’re lucky to be celebrating in a year that’s been sometimes disheartening so far. And hey, maybe Ariana will get a look for Super Bowl halftime performance soon too, it’s possible her and Brady could cross paths in the future after all.

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Pink Sweats Visits A Rose-Hued Utopia In His Sci-Fi ‘Heaven’ Video

Pink Sweats is just days away from the release of his debut album, Pink Planet. To further hype up his forthcoming album, today he released the latest single, “Heaven,” along with a music video. The surreal clip literally visualizes the album’s title, putting the Philadelphia singer on a literal pink planet — all the flora is light rose-tinted — while he’s surrounded by a group of frolicking men, women, and children all wearing matching jumpsuits.

Their celebration is interrupted by the arrival of a spaceship cruising down through the coral-colored clouds, ending the video on something of a cliffhanger. Sweats’ sci-fi themes have shot through plenty of his previous videos, including the ones for “I Know” and “Drama.” Meanwhile, the singer’s prolonged rollout has also included such singles as “17” and “Not Alright” from his The Prelude EP, as well as “At My Worst,” the vibrant soft-soul single to which he later added Bay Area singer Kehlani for the remix.

We’ll see if the Pink Planet narrative extends further when the album drops this Friday, 2/12, on Warner Records — just in time for Valentine’s Day. You can get tickets to the livestream release night concert here.

Watch the “Heaven” video above.

Pink Sweats is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

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The End Of ‘Better Call Saul’ Will Be ‘Supremely Intense,’ According To Bob Odenkirk

Earlier this week, Bob Odenkirk landed his fourth Golden Globe nomination for his work on Better Call Saul, and he was also nominated for the fourth time by the Screen Actors Guild, although both the Golden Globes and the SAGs frustratingly overlooked Rhea Seehorn’s brilliant performance as Kim Wexler once again. Seehorn, as always, remains a great sport, congratulating Bob Odenkirk and calling attention to his new puppies.

Speaking of Odenkirk’s pets, he was walking his dog when he learned of his Golden Globe nomination, and when Deadline caught up with him, Odenkirk stated that the “nomination is a reminder that there’s other people out there in the world, that we’re part of a community. We haven’t seen each other because there’s no get-togethers, there’s no awards and the benefit shows that you’re a part of, that are a big part of … this very social business. But even just getting the nomination reminds me that I’m in this community of people I like very much.”

Asked about the sixth and final season, Odenkirk also added, “I can’t wait for the fireworks, really. Our show is a bit of a slow burn over the past few years, and [Gilligan and Gould] build up. There’s certainly exciting moments throughout, but towards the end, it gets super supremely intense.”

Three months ago, the writers’ room was nearing completion on the scripts, so it’s quite possible that Odenkirk knows by know how the series will end. In fact, speculation was that production on the final season would begin in March, and there is some anecdotal evidence that they’re already prepping in Alberquerque.

When the series does come back, I’d expect Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul both to return in some capacity because the final season will most certainly share some of the Breaking Bad timeline. In fact, the events of the final season of Saul will change the way we see Breaking Bad, Peter Gould told The Hollywood Reporter last year.

“I think we’re going to learn things about the characters in Breaking Bad that we didn’t know. We’re going to learn things about the events of Breaking Bad that we didn’t know,” Gould said. “We’re going to learn things about the fates of a lot of these characters that may surprise people or certainly throw them into a different light.”

That’s not official confirmation that Kim Wexler will be a part of the Breaking Bad timeline, but it’s pretty damn close.

Source: Deadline

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Rudy Giuliani’s Four Seasons Total Landscaping Debacle Is Being Turned Into A Documentary

It was turned into a LEGO set and inspired a Super Bowl commercial. Now, the Four Seasons Total Landscaping debacle is being turned into a documentary.

On November 7, four days after the 2020 presidential election, Rudy Giuliani held a press conference not at the Four Seasons hotel, which would make sense, but at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Philadelphia’s soon-to-be most famous landscaping business next to a sex shop. How the heck did that happen? The short answer is: “Giuliani.” The longer answer will be provided in the still-untitled doc, which “will give a firsthand account of the rollercoaster journey that one well-meaning small business in Philadelphia went through when they agreed to host a political press conference in the midst of the most hard-fought American election in recent history.”

Christopher Stoudt has directed a feature documentary about Four Seasons Total Landscaping, the Philadelphia-based small business that gained notoriety after Rudy Giuliani held an impromptu and chaotic press conference to discuss then-President Donald Trump’s planned legal challenges to the election ballot-counting process… The film will include interviews with key executives of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, including owner Marie Siravo and director of sales Sean Middleton.

Stoudt, who was nominated for an Emmy for his documentary Lost LA: Descanso Gardens, should have no problem getting Rudy to sit down for an interview. Clearly.

(Via the Hollywood Reporter)

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Of The 2021 Super Bowl Commercials

A few notes before we begin our discussion about the 2021 Super Bowl commercials

  • As in previous years, we will utilize a “good/bad/ugly” format to break them down, with a focus on the more notable spots as opposed to a discussion of every single one of them
  • We will be grading on a curve here, mostly because even the “good” Super Bowl commercials are usually a little corny in a “they’re trying to reach everyone from Generation Z to your great aunt Bernice and something gets lost in translation” kind of way, but also because you never want to be the “everything sucks, I hate it” guy if you don’t have to
  • Whatever, it’s my list, leave me alone and make your own list if you’re so great

Here we go.

THE GOOD

Dan Levy murders a candy

I do not know or particularly want to investigate what it says about me on a deeply personal level that I love when the M&M commercials get dark like this. It was always weird to me that we turned a food into an adorable little guy with feeling and a personality. I like that they address the implications of that decision head-on. It’s disturbing but I love it. Take it further, I say. Show me television’s Dan Levy biting it one as it screams. Don’t shy away now, M&Ms. You started this.

Space things

Big year for space. My favorite of the two was the Inspiration4 ad, not so much for the content of it as because it is funny to picture hopping in a time machine and jetting back to like 1972 and explaining “so, in 2021, in the middle of a pandemic that’s been raging for a year, there will be a Super Bowl commercial for an all-civilian trip to space.” Really think about how you’d paint that picture. It’s fun.

Also fun? Pretend that commercial and this one…

… are connected and we just leave a spaceship full of regular-ass people floating around the cosmos because we got distracted by potato chips.

The singing Oatly man

What I like about this commercial, which was very divisive for many but a total delight for me, is that it implies one of two things:

  • The CEO of Oatly is a prankster and thought, correctly, that it would be really funny to waste millions in advertising dollar to get an awful song stuck in America’s head
  • The CEO of Oatly pitched this commercial earnestly and no one he works with had the heart/authority to stop him and it all kind of spiraled out of control until we got here

Either way: perfect.

The Cheetos “good for Shaggy for still cashing checks’ one

I pulled a 180 on this one between when it was released last week and when it aired during the game. My first reaction was “Who in the world — specifically, like I want names — asked for any of this?” But then I watched it again between the in-game action and suddenly I was half-charmed. Good for Shaggy, still cashing his “It Wasn’t Me” checks. Man probably put an addition on his house with this payday. We should all be so lucky.

I don’t know why but I will hear this from Lenny Kravitz only

This commercial should have been mystical garbage. If you just read a transcription of the voiceover, or had almost any other celebrity deliver it, you would have rolled your eyes so hard that the momentum kept them spinning in their sockets like little slot machines. Somehow, though, it worked with Lenny Kravitz. I, like, believed him about us all being billionaires. I would believe him about anything, I think. I would probably buy a boat from him if he told me buying a boat would “free up my energy,” whatever that means. I don’t even like the water. I’m sure it’s fine.

[fans self furiously]

The nice thing about this Sultry Alexa ad is that it allows me to tell my favorite story again. When I saw Black Panther in the theater, in a packed house, during the scene where Killmonger fights T’Challa and Michael B. Jordan takes off his shirt, a woman a few rows in front of me unleashed an “oh my God” that was so low and guttural that it kind of sounded like it escaped her body without her permission. It was great. I miss seeing movies in theaters.

Screw you, Norway

Fine. Good. A solid use of everyone’s time and effort. Moving along.

I’m including the Doritos one only because of the thing where Marshawn Lynch says “beast up on them boys, Archie”

“Beast up on them boys, Archie.”

This sentence lives inside my head now. I suspect it will stay there forever. Like, I could be on my deathbed hopefully many decades from now and out of nowhere I might mutter it. It could very well end up being the last words I ever speak. I’m weirdly okay with that.

THE BAD

This was cute, I guess, but it shoulda been Muppets

It is much more fun to picture this commercial with some collection of Chaos Muppets — Gonzo, Animal, Swedish Chef, etc. — just wreaking havoc in the background while Daveed Diggs attempts to sing. To be fair, you could say the same thing about every commercial on this list. Put the Muppets in a Super Bowl commercial next year. Put them in all the commercials. Let Statler and Waldorf call the game. Let Kermit sing the National Anthem. Let Dr. Teeth do the halftime show. I need to stress here that I am not joking.

Dolly no

This commercial placed me in a tricky spot. On one hand, it is my position that Dolly Parton is a top-five living American and top 10-15 all-time. It physically pains me to criticize her. On the other hand, taking a song about the Working Man and using it to promote starting a side hustle in your non-work hours — hence, 5 to 9 instead of 9 to 5 — feels… gross. You are now working 9 to 9 because your full-time job doesn’t pay your bills adequately. I hate it. Work stinks. We should not be promoting doing more of it. Ugh. Let’s never talk about this again.

Why are all our celebrities flat now?

This was the weirdest trend of the night. McConaughey and Jason Alexander just flat as can be, for various reasons and various products. I did not like it. Especially the Jason Alexander one. Shirts should not react to the things that happen to them. It’s weird. Less of this.

Do not encourage Boston, please

Another tough spot for me, personally. I very much support both anarchy and wild animals running amok in a large metropolitan area, so some goof releasing the Budweiser Clydesdales and watching them turn into Demon Stallions that are hellbent on destruction should be right up my alley. But, I’m sorry, I am sad to report I cannot support it. There are simply too many Boston things these days. We need fewer Boston things. I will revisit this stance for a Ben Affleck Dunkin commercial, though. An earnest one, dead serious, with him looking straight into the camera, where he just says how much he likes their iced coffee. But that’s it.

Come on, Robinhood

I’m sure this ad was in production long before GameStop and Reddit heaved its entire business into a tornado, but I still wish Robinhood had acknowledged the whole thing in some way. Maybe a tendies-based partnership with Popeyes. Maybe they reveal that the Popeyes Lady made $5 million hosing short sellers in a series of furious day trades. Like, we cut to a dark basement and she’s down there hunched over a glowing screen and clicking 100 times per minute and cackling like a supervillain as she sends, like, Circuit City’s stock through the roof. I’m just spitballing here. Could work.

I do not think I needed a Mayo Fairy

This all seems extremely on the nose in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Pass.

THE UGLY

This was depressing on a deeply existential level

This year, in 2021, almost 30 years after Wayne’s World came out, Mike Myers and Dana Carvey (and Cardi B, for some reason) got together to spoof the scene from the movie where they spoof selling out, but for a real and actual Super Bowl commercial. Think about that. Or maybe don’t. It is really all quite depressing once you look closely at a single layer of it, let alone all the layers. Why would they do this to me, personally? Someone should have stopped them. Where is Tia Carrere when you need her?

No

Hmm. Gross.

I cannot in good faith support the Bud Light Extended Universe

I do not like the idea of spokespeople of yore banding together in the present. It’s bad enough that almost every commercial during the game pulled the nostalgia strings for actual artistic projects you once enjoyed, now they’re during it for commercials, too. No. No thank you. Do not do this again please, unless it’s for Budweiser proper and you bring back the frogs. Those guys were okay.

And while I’m at it…

… if I understand this commercial correctly, there was a fictional universe where lemons rained from the heavens and caused bodily harm and property damage all over the world, and Bud Light responded by using the lemons to flavor a beverage. Isn’t that, like, the last thing you’d want after your brother died in a blizzard of falling citrus? I get that it was all in service of a silly little “when life gives you lemons” joke, but if someone offered me a lemon-flavored beverage a week after, like, my brother died in a blizzard of falling citrus, I think I would consider it in poor taste at the very least.

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DMX’s Upcoming Album Will Have Features From Griselda Records And Pop Smoke

DMX has been on the comeback trail since his release from prison, with a rumored album in the works and a few successful media appearances over the past two years, including his fan-favorite Verzuz battle with Snoop Dogg. He also toured with Three 6 Mafia and Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony in 2019 before making sure he focused on his sobriety and health later that year. While 2020 saw a slowdown in his promotional efforts, in 2021 he’s once again talking about his new music, most recently on NORE’s Drink Champs podcast, where he revealed a few intriguining tidbits about his upcoming album — namely, who it features.

Given how much the sound of mainstream rap has changed since the days DMX reigned over the charts with his best work, choosing complementary-sounding features would seem like a lot of work. However, thanks to the rise of a few ’90s-influenced, street-centric names in the last couple of years, DMX has seemingly found the perfect partners-in-rhyme to aid his comeback: Griselda Records’ Benny, Conway, and Westside Gunn, and Pop Smoke. He reveals as much in the teaser for the forthcoming episode of Drink Champs, telling NORE, “I got the Griselda boys. Pop Smoke. That’s what type of new I’m doing,” although he confirms that he never got to meet Pop Smoke in person.

Check out the preview below.