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Election 2020 is turning out to be just as batsh*t crazy as 2020 itself, which of course isn’t surprising, but certainly is annoying.

Due to Trump’s baseless claims that the election is rigged against him and that if only legal votes were counted he’d be winning, states and counties that have spent years honing their elections to make them as secure as possible, that rallied to adjust their systems to accommodate the needs of voters in a global pandemic, and that have managed to pull off hundreds upon hundreds of elections without widespread fraud now have to battle a president publicly attacking the integrity of our entire electoral process.

Good times, America.

No one disagrees that elections should be run fairly. No one disagrees that ballots should be cast within legal boundaries. No one disagrees that every legally cast vote should be counted. No one disagrees that ballot counting should be overseen by representatives of both parties and that poll watchers should raise concerns if they see something questionable in the vote tallying process.

And that has been happening in ballot counting centers across the nation. Unfortunately, so has some ridiculous tomfoolery from the Trump camp.

Julie Moroney is a law student who answered the call for non-partisan poll watchers in Detroit, Michigan, and she shared on Twitter what she experienced as she watched Wayne county ballots being counted.

Moroney wrote:

“I was at the TCF Center in Detroit yesterday as a non-partisan poll challenger. The woman in the maroon shirt with the black mask was one of the GOP challengers I monitored. At one point, she yelled that a ballot needed to be thrown out because it ‘looked sticky.’ Another time she demanded that the poll workers stop what they were doing and backup all computers in case of power outage or tornado(?). Just baseless, bad faith challenges to slow the process.

And after Trump filed his lawsuit and MI was called for Biden, the GOP strategy shifted to challenge every single ballot. I know this because I overheard their organizers pass on the new message. They didn’t even pretend to have a reason for doing so, just repeated ‘I challenge this ballot; I challenge that ballot’ over and over again as the poll workers tried to count.

At one point, my good friend and law school classmate @sumnertruax looked over at me and said ‘this is not how democracy is supposed to work.’ It was so true, and so sad. The optics of it all weren’t lost on me either. Picture a huge space filled with predominantly Black poll workers just trying to do their gd jobs while white MI GOP challengers hovered over them, yelling at them that they’re wrong, doing a bad job, or committing crimes.

The harassment and intimidation — both from the GOP challengers in the room and the GOP supporters banging on the windows trying to get in — is seared onto my brain. Security guards had to escort us out a side entrance so we could leave the building safely.

One of the most jarring things was stepping outside of the building and seeing the sun set across the river in Canada. The juxtaposition of exiting the epicenter of ‘American democracy’ that felt more like mob rule and seeing the Canadian flag gently flap in the wind a mile away, An example of a functioning democracy…the irony was painful.

I left exhausted, but mostly just sad. I love America, but some of you make it so hard.

How did we get to a place where you challenge other people’s ballots simply because you believe they voted for the other guy? How did we get to a place where you file a lawsuit claiming lack of access, when you have 100+ challengers in there fucking shit up? How did we get to a place where you’re so deep into conspiracy theories that you claim ballots are coming out of thin air when you are there, witnessing the process, and doing everything in your power to impede it?

Go home. And let the incredible, hard-working and honest poll workers #CountEveryVote.”

Poll workers are seriously patriotic heroes right now. What is usually a tedious-but-necessary job has suddenly become a target for quacks and fanatics who simply can’t believe that the most unpopular president since Gerald Ford could possibly fail to be reelected in a fair election. Why? Because Trump says so. It’s really that simple.

Nevermind the fact that if Democrats were really rigging the election, there’s no way on earth Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham would still have their seats. Nevermind the fact that Republicans won races in every one of the swing states where Trump is trying to raise doubts, with the same ballots used to vote for or against him. Nevermind the fact that Trump is a malignant narcissist who literally cannot admit to losing, no matter how clear the outcome of the election.

No one disagrees that legitimate concerns about ballots and votes should be investigated—when there is evidence. Yes, there are occasional irregularities in every single election, and those should be looked into. But you can’t just stand behind the presidential podium and claim the election is rigged or fraudulent or stolen because you’re losing or because the electoral system that has successfully elected 45—soon to be 46—presidents isn’t being run exactly the way you want it to be.

As Moroney’s fellow poll watcher said, “This isn’t how democracy is supposed to work.” Indeed, it is not. And the fact that the dysfunction is coming from the president himself is the saddest thing of all.

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Thanksgiving And Jackie Jr Are Cancelled

Matt and Vince invite comedian Jason Webb onto Pod Yourself A Gun (A Sopranos Podcast!) to discuss a conveniently-timed Thanksgiving episode of The Sopranos, and Janice invites a narcoleptic Christian with a ponytail to dinner on episode 3 of season 8: “He Is Risen.”

This episode reminds us that being in the mob is just as much about petty social slights as it is about doing crimes. There’s lots of gossiping, someone gets their feelings hurt over a declined drink invitation, and someone else gets uninvited from Thanksgiving dinner. So, it’s kind of like Thanksgiving with your family, until someone dies on the toilet, and then it’s just like your family.

Naturally, watching the episode led to some conversations about how families in Jason’s neighborhood settle disputes with their stepdads, the chainsaw bear carvings industry, how to get someone so horny they turn into a dairy product, and a Saved by the Bell Mashup song.

If you love the podcast as much as Jackie Jr. loved that Chevy Cavalier, leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts.

Subscribe to Pod Yourself A Gun on Apple Podcasts.

Email us at [email protected]; leave us a voicemail at 415-275-0030.

Support the Pod: become a patron at patreon.com/Frotcast and get more bonus content than you could ever want. (-written by Brent Flyberg).

There is at least some reason for optimism in Washington in the coming NBA season. Despite persistent rumors about other suitors lining up to make a run at him, Bradley Beal has said repeatedly that he prefers to stick around, although he’s also left himself something of an out should things go south.

The Wizards are also anticipating having a healthy John Wall back in the lineup as they hope to climb their way back into respectability after a couple of rough seasons and a poor showing during their run through the seeding games in Orlando this summer. Wall is one of the league’s most fiery competitors, using his aggression combined with his athletic ability to attack opponents relentlessly in the open court and at the rim. So it’s no surprise that his on-court demeanor starts with a certain mindset, one that calls back to an old-school sensibility.

On a recent episode of the No Chill podcast with Gilbert Arenas, Wall echoed a popular sentiment among former players that the NBA is too friendly these days.

“A lot of guys be too friendly now,” Wall said. “In their era, they weren’t friendly. They were trying to rip each other’s heads off. Now it’s like guys are buddy-buddy.”

Arenas has said previously that he had no issues handing the keys over to Wall when he arrived in Washington as a star rookie, in part because he knew his career was winding down, but also because he saw in him a kindred spirit who shared his competitive nature.

Even before the restart, Wall has claimed that he’s at “110 percent,” health-wise, which should give Wizards fans reason for cautious optimism after Wall missed most of the past two seasons with injuries. He’s also looked solid in recent pick-up games against other NBA stars.

John Wall, James Harden, Michael Beasley, Andre Drummond & P.J. Tucker all playing pick-up ball

(via @RemyTraining23, remy_runs_miami, themiamiperimeter/Instagram) pic.twitter.com/4mPlZLagnv

— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) November 3, 2020

Still, the grind of the NBA season will be a very different story, as Wall tries to prove he can still produce at an elite level and get his team back on track and back into the conversation again.

Jim Beam is the second best-selling American whiskey brand in the world, behind only Jack Daniel’s. That makes Jim Beam the best-selling bourbon, globally. The brand is in a growth phase, too — thanks to an industry-wide whiskey boom — with a nearly seven percent increase in sales between 2018 and 2019. In the simplest terms, there’s a very good chance that if you’ve ever taken a sip of bourbon, it’s come from one of Jim Beam’s many warehouses.

Which begs the question: What’s the best bottle of bourbon from Jim Beam’s main lineup?

First, a little context. There are seven core bottles in the line, with two limited editions from this year (Old Tub and Repeal Batch). That’s nine bottles of bourbon in total. Just to be clear, we’re not talking about the entire Jim Beam umbrella. We’ll rank the core expressions of Knob Creek, Basil Hayden’s, Booker’s, Baker’s, Old Crow, Old Grand-Dad, and Maker’s another time. This is just the seven core Beam bottles, plus the two 2020 limited editions. (We’re also not getting into flavored bourbons from Beam. That’s eight more bottles and a whole other style.)

So what are the best bottles of Beam? Check our ranking below.

9. Jim Beam Devil’s Cut

ABV: 45%
Average Price: $22

The Whiskey:

This is an interesting bourbon. The “Devil’s Cut” in this case is what’s left in the oak of the barrel after the “angel’s share” evaporates during maturation. That extracted hot juice is re-barreled and aged again. Finally, it’s blended with six-year-old Beam and cut down to proof with that soft Kentucky limestone water.

Tasting Notes:

There’s a clear sense of a charred oak barrel with a hint of spiciness and honey on the nose. The sip leans into the oak with a cinnamon-spiked cream soda sweetness and body. A bit of caramel corn arrives late, with a mellow billow of smoke setting off a lingering finish.

Bottom Line:

I do like this expression but it’s just missing something that I can’t quite put my finger on. I’ve had it on the rocks, in a highball, and in a cocktail, and it was… fine. But, I’ve never really reached for it again — hence its ranking here.

8. Jim Beam

ABV: 40%
Average Price: $18

The Whiskey:

This bourbon has a low-rye mash bill. It’s aged for four years before the barrels are blended and it’s cut down to 80 proof. This is a lot of folks’ entry point into the wider world of bourbon because it’s a quaffable whiskey that’s very affordable and on pretty much every liquor store shelf right at eye level.

Tasting Notes:

You can sense the corn next to classic bourbon notes of caramel, vanilla, and orchard fruit. The sip centers the vanilla and caramel as a distant echo of oak arrives on the tongue. The sip warms, with a bit of spice next to a sweetened caramel corn edge on the fast finish.

Bottom Line:

This is a solid all-around whiskey. You can shoot it with a beer back. It works in a highball. You can mix up old fashioned cocktails all day long with it. More importantly, it’s so cheap that you can practice making cocktails with this and not break the bank.

7. Jim Beam Double Oak

ABV: 43%
Average Price: $22

The Whiskey:

This was initially released for the international market, no doubt to compete with double oaked single malts from Scotland. It’s now available in the U.S. and worth giving a shot. The juice is aged in new American oak per bourbon trade laws. The whiskey is then transferred to a brand new oak barrel for another round of aging, adding some nice depth to the dram.

Tasting Notes:

There’s, of course, a rush of wood on the nose but it leans more towards a dry cord of firewood than a charred barrel. The vanilla and caramel drive you towards toffee sweetness and a wisp of campfire smoke on the palate. By the medium-length end, you’re left with the vanilla, wood, and smoke lingering together.

Bottom Line:

This is an interesting sip and blooms nicely with a touch of water or a few rocks. The smokiness really adds that little something which helps this whiskey stand out. That also makes it a nice highball candidate.

6. Jim Beam Black Extra-Aged

ABV: 43%
Average Price: $22

The Whiskey:

This expression replaced the old Black Label 8 Year. The juice in this bottle is aged longer than your average four-year-old Beam, but there is no age statement on exactly how long. The best way to think of it is that it’s aged for as long as it needs to be, according to the distilling team.

Tasting Notes:

This bourbon is where Jim Beam starts to get dialed-in to its core notes of vanilla, caramel, corn, and oak, with a hint of orchard fruit. Yes, all of those elements were there in standard Jim Beam above. But there’s more refinement in this whiskey with a little bit of sweet smoke added in. By the end, the vanilla is more like a dried vanilla pod, the caramel is richer, the fruit is a bit more tart (sweet apple-ish), the oak is more toasted than charred.

The fade isn’t too long but sticks with you.

Bottom Line:

It’s really hard to argue with this bourbon at this price point (it could easily cost $30 or more). This one works with some rocks or in a highball but really shines as a cocktail base.

5. Jim Beam Repeal Batch

ABV: 43%
Average Price: $16

The Whiskey:

This bourbon was released in 2018, to celebrate the 85th anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition by recreating the first batch of bourbon made by Jim Beam after the dry-era ended. The bourbon was a hit and has become a yearly limited release from the brand.

Tasting Notes:

This one draws you in with the smells of a sizzling skillet full of bananas in brown butter and brown sugar with a dollop of vanilla. The palate carries on in that direction, adding in cornmeal, cinnamon spice, and a touch of woody oak. The end comes along fairly slowly with the oak, buttery fruit, and vanilla fading quickly through the senses leaving you with a touch of sweet smoke and bitter char.

Bottom Line:

This is a stand out on the list. Still, it reminds me more of Tennessee whiskey (thanks to that banana edge) than a classic Kentucky bourbon. I don’t say that like it’s a bad thing. I actually really dig this bourbon, especially in a highball. It’s just that I’d rather drink a couple of different Tennessee whiskeys that nail these flavor notes a bit better.

4. Jim Beam Single Barrel

ABV: 47.5%
Average Price: $36

The Whiskey:

This is an interesting whiskey. Each bottling is pulled from single barrels that hit just the right spot of taste, texture, and drinkability according to the master distillers at Beam. That means this juice is pulled from less than one percent of all barrels in Beam’s warehouses, making this a very special bottle at a bafflingly affordable price.

Tasting Notes:

Toasted oak, fairground caramel kettle corn, and oily vanilla pods greet your senses. The palate delivers on those promises and adds in a fresh honeycomb sweetness next to a rush of zesty orange oils and a wisp of cherry pipe tobacco smoke. The sip warms up with a mild matrix of Christmas spices as the caramel corn sweetness edges this whiskey towards a big, long finish.

Bottom Line:

You really need to add some water and let this one bloom but it’ll be worth taking your time with it. I also really dig this one in a Manhattan with a good rinse of orange oils over the drink and a nice cherry dropped in.

3. Old Tub

ABV: 50%
Average Price: $24

The Whiskey:

This expression used to only be available in half-bottles and only at the distillery. This year, Beam decided to release it nationwide for a test run and it’s a hit. The limited-edition juice is a tribute to what the brand was — both in the label and in the bottle — before Prohibition. Yes, Jim Beam used to be known as Old Tub Bourbon worldwide. The whiskey is bottled-in-bond at 100 proof and goes through no filtration before bottling.

Tasting Notes:

There’s a subtle roughness to this whiskey that draws you in — rough-milled dry corn, raw honey, freshly sawed wood, and vanilla pods. The caramel popcorn sweetness is there but not overdone as the vanilla, woody oak, and very distant spice and fruit come together to create an all-around easy-sipper by the end. As that end lingers, you get a final note of orange citrus that’s counterpointed by a lingering sense of limestone.

Bottom Line:

I really didn’t know where to put this. This is just an interesting sip. I really hope it gets a yearly release because it’s a throwback that adds something to the conversation.

Try it on the rocks first and then go from there.

2. Jim Beam Rye Pre-Prohibition Style

ABV: 40%
Average Price: $22

The Whiskey:

This rye was designed by the master himself — Master Distiller and whiskey legend Fred Noe — as a return to the bigger and bolder days of rye before Prohibition defanged a lot of the industry and its recipes. The juice is a throwback recipe to the 1920s version of Beam’s rye, giving the whiskey a fruitier and spicer edge in the process.

Tasting Notes:

Berries mingle with black pepper spice on the nose with a hint of candied cherries. Christmas spices cut with plenty of candied fruit — ripe and tart berries — slide in next to hints of vanilla and toffee as the rye pepperiness powers the sip. As the dram builds before the fade, notes of black licorice, fresh mint, and dried flowers arrive and mingle with the rye spice and sweet fruits.

This sip lingers long enough to keep you warm, a nice perk this time of year.

Bottom Line:

This was nearly the number one expression from Jim Beam on this list. This bottle is a f*cking good rye at a fantastic price point. This is a great workhorse bottle, too — it works as everything from a shooter to the base of a cracking cocktail. I dig it in a highball, Sazerac, or Manhattan personally, but also drop it into a boulevardier every-now-and-then.

1. Jim Beam Bonded

ABV: 50%
Average Price: $22

The Whiskey:

While this doesn’t come from only one percent of Jim Beam barrels or go through a special secondary aging cycle, this bourbon is Jim Beam’s high watermark when it comes to Kentucky bourbon. The juice is aged in a bottled-in-bond facility for four years where it’s also bottled at 100 proof with no bullshit. This is the standard Beam bourbon mash bill but there’s just something extra happening that makes this expression shine.

Tasting Notes:

This bourbon beckons you in with notes of toasted oak, red cherry, and vanilla. That leads to fresh honey, sweet caramel corn, rich toffee, bold vanilla, crisp apple, more of that red cherry, peppery spice, and a note of fresh mint. With a little water, the dram edges towards bitter dark chocolate with a nice billow of pipe tobacco while holding onto the mint, toffee, and vanilla oakiness.

The end is long, meandering, and full of warmth, fruit, spice, and bourbon goodness.

Bottom Line:

There’s a reason bonded bourbons are colloquially called “the good stuff.” This is really a fine bourbon all-around. And at $22 per bottle, it’s one of the better value bonded bourbons that you can score anywhere on the market right now. It’s also a workhorse whiskey and makes for a nice sipper, is tasty on the rocks, shines in a highball, or rules as a cocktail base.

This Sunday, NASCAR will head to Phoenix Raceway for the Season Finale 500 where four drivers — Chase Elliott, Joey Logano, Brad Keselowski, and Denny Hamlin — will have a chance to win the 2020 NASCAR Cup Series Championship.

The race will be on NBC at 3 p.m. ET and those four will, in that order, begin the race in the first four positions, with whoever finishes first winning the championship. On Thursday, we got a chance to talk with Brad Keselowski about Sunday’s championship race, his thoughts on the finale moving from Miami to Phoenix, why this season has taken him back to “old school racing,” and the nuances of his growth as a driver more than a decade into his Cup Series career.

How are you doin, man?

Good, good. Just chillin in North Carolina, and by chillin’ I mean it’s freezing.

Well, Phoenix will be a little warmer for you this weekend at least.

Oh yeah. I’m looking forward to that, I’m a warm weather guy.

How are you feeling coming into this weekend and with a shot to win your second championship?

I’m feeling pretty darn good to be honest with you. Cars are fast. Get to live my dream, and just ready to make it happen, you know.

You’ve got three straight Top 6 finishes to get you to Phoenix. What’s been clicking for you and the team and getting good cars to the tracks?

Well, having good cars is always the important part, right? It’s hard to make a slow car go fast, but it’s really easy to take a fast car and screw it up. So, you gotta have good fast cars and then you’ve gotta execute, and our execution has been pretty strong. Had a little slip up at Martinsville where I sped on pit road, but other than that, I’m proud of the way we’ve been able to run our race and get good finishes and make the most out of everything we have.

This is the first year y’all are going to Phoenix for the finale rather than Homestead. What are your thoughts on finishing at that track and your approach going in?

Um, I feel good about it. A little bit selfishly I think I’m going to run better at Phoenix than I would at Homestead, so, I’m not complaining about that. But I do, I feel really good about it. I feel like our car is going to be really strong and I like Phoenix, I like the area. One of our sponsors is out there, so that’s always cool. And, I’m just pumped. It’s hard to say or express it strongly enough how pumped I am.

This is your seventh straight year in the Playoffs and ninth overall. What have you learned over your career about how to approach the Playoffs and how to make it through stages and get as far as you can in this to have a shot at a title?

Well, I think probably the biggest takeaway is not to let the highs be too high and the lows be too low. It’s really easy to get caught up either way, and I think you always have to have a rebound mentality and expect bad things to happen and be prepared.

This season I feel like that’s had to be a feeling throughout, given you start off the year and then we have the shutdown with COVID and then coming back and everything changes. What has been your experience this season in handling the changes with the new protocols and without the track time and garage time.

Well, obviously it’s been a change. You know, I don’t enjoy seeing people get hurt and knowing that there’s people suffering and that’s the reason for this. That’s not any fun, but the actual changes to the schedule themselves, if you somehow separate that mentally, I’ve actually enjoyed. I’ve enjoyed going to the racetrack without practice. I’ve enjoyed you know, get to a racetrack, drive my butt off, and go home. I’ve enjoyed some of those different aspects, and you know, it’s not sustainable, but I’m not complaining and I try to find the opportunity along the way.

Yeah, when I talked to Alex Bowman a few weeks ago he said something similar. Does it feel like it once was, where you’re pulling up to the track and you go race and it’s maybe, it’s still a grind but does it take you back to the way racing was when you first got into it?

Oh yeah. Absolutely. It’s like old school racing where they’d just show up and race. Didn’t have time to do all this other stuff, they just did it. And I like that.

When you look back, you’ve been doing this for a decade now, and you compare 2020 Brad Keselowski to when you came in the Cup Series, where do you think your biggest growth has been as a driver?

Well it’s hard to pick one area. If you do it right it shouldn’t be one area, it should be all areas. But there are gonna be areas that are more than others, naturally. I think I’ve probably grown the most on my short run speed. The ability to run fast early into a run. That’s probably been the biggest growth for me.

Is there anything specifically there that’s helped you do that, because there are guys that are better on short runs and others who prefer to have those continuous laps and get in that groove. What do you have to do to pick up that short run speed?

Well, that’s a little bit more tribal knowledge, I don’t want to share too much of that. But there’s things, how ’bout that?

Fair enough. I guess one thing with that, for a lot of casual fans you look at it and, it’s like, alright they go out and are racing. What can you tell, without giving that tribal knowledge as you said, everything that goes into your growth as a driver, the nuances that aren’t as apparent to someone just tuning in a few Sundays a month?

Well, you know, at the end of the day we drive in circles. It looks pretty simple from the outside, because it is pretty simple. How you get there and how you do it fast, that’s the challenge. How do I do it better than the next guy? And you know what, they’re pretty darn good. So there’s a lot of refinement that comes along the way. Physically, mentally, across the board to try and get there. It’s not an easy process. It’s an iterative process in a lot of ways, which means you’ve got to put in the reps and do your homework. It makes it rewarding at the end of the day when you are successful, but I can certainly understand why from the outside it looks a lot easier than it is.

In an attempt to show how seriously Tom Holland is taking COVID safety while filming Spider-Man 3 in Atlanta, the actor just shared a photo from the set where he’s taking masking-up to the extreme. In a new Instagram photo that shows Holland posing in his newly upgraded Spidey suit from the end of Spider-Man: Far From Home, he’s also seen wearing a regular, paper face mask like the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man that he is. Peter Parker is enough of a science geek to know the risks to himself, and he definitely can’t be bringing germs home to sweet, not-so-old-now-but-still Aunt May.

You can see Holland (double) masking up below:

This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Holland being a responsible wall-crawler while gearing up for the next Spider-Man film. At the end of October, he posted a video of himself landing in Atlanta where his excitement is fully palpable even while a massive COVID mask covers his lovable face.

Holland will eventually be joined by Benedict Cumberbatch, as recent reports have revealed that Doctor Strange will serve as Peter Parker’s new mentor following the death of Tony Stark in Avengers: Endgame. The good doctor will presumably help Holland’s Spidey navigate the multiverse, which might explain the surprise return of Jamie Foxx’s Electro. That casting decision has Marvel fans buzzing about the possibility that the Spider-Verse could be making its live-action debut in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Fans last got a glimpse of the multiple Spider-realities in the groundbreaking animated movie Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, which also has comic fans itching to see that film’s hero, Miles Morales, show up alongside Holland’s Spidey. Will that happen in Spider-Man 3? It’s too early to tell, but with the multiverse becoming a central part of the new slate of MCU films, just about anything is possible.

(Via Tom Holland on Instagram)

Dua Lipa has recruited some big-time collaborators for Future Nostalgia and various versions of its songs, but she went with a relative unknown for her latest, “Fever.” The song features Belgian singer Angèle, a French-language star who hadn’t yet earned much attention on a global scale. She held her own on the track, though, as she does in the pair’s new video for it. In the clip, the pair enjoy a night out that involves dancing in the streets, getting some late-night eats, and partying in an apartment.

In a recent joint interview, Lipa and Angèle spoke about the song and their relationship, with Lipa saying, “It was really cool to get to do this and be able to bring both of our ideas together and have this merging of worlds and merging of languages. I was learning French and it was so amazing, it was so cool to do this process. Although we did it from afar, it still felt like we did the process together and I think it got us closer to each other.”

Watch Lipa and Angèle’s “Fever” video above.

Dua Lipa is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

There were a few emotional seconds where the processed cheese product had me on the verge of tears. We were talking about the scrutiny of stats, their often one-dimensional interpretation in sports, and how quickly they can be turned against their wielder. As a woman in sports, I confessed, I triple-check whatever metric I use in a story, no matter how sure of it I am, knowing that if there’s anything that’s going to be blown apart and used against me it will be the numbers, first. It was a weird feeling to align with cheese, but I suddenly felt a bizarre camaraderie, two perceived outsiders in a space so largely male and occasionally archaic.

Where I wavered was when the realization hit me, that it’s ok — celebrated even! — for a cheese product to boldly say these things while a woman sportswriter still hesitates.

“In the reply guys, if you’re in sports media, and you’re blessed to not be male, it’s a nightmare,” the cheese consoled me. “It’s just ‘well actually’ people.”

Let me back up a bit.

Velveeta, as far as brands existing online go, has been sentient for a while now. But this week, in a flurry of emphatically delivered takes on player +/- ratings and Rudy Gobert, it reached basketball sentience. I’d had my own “huh” moment with the lambent orange product some weeks prior when it replied to a Fred VanVleet tweet of mine with a string of gold hearts and basketball emojis. It was all emotional Raptors fans in there for the most part, this wasn’t mainstream stuff. The more recent tweets, though, were nuanced inside basketball stuff. What, or more importantly who, was this? And what did they know of undrafted point guards relentlessly betting on themselves?

Even if the brand as an entity — a big rectangular block of cheese product — can’t Google, the people behind it can, so there was skepticism. But then came VORP.

In what surely was meant as a smug “gotcha,” the cheese was asked its opinion on Value Over Replacement Player as a metric. Velveeta, for the first time in its history, didn’t melt. And while VORP honestly sounds like it could be the name for a rival cheese product, the creator of the metric soon chimed in:

It turns out a smooth cheese product’s day can be made, and the creator of VORP saying it brought nuance to the discussion was what did it. The reply guys came for Velveeta, which is how I wound up commiserating with cheese, but the cheese was unbothered.

“It’s great because I’m sure we’ll be wrong because everyone’s wrong,” they said. “Velveeta’s probably going to be wrong a lot. Anthony Bennett went number one in the draft. Everyone was wrong on that. So if they’re wrong, cheese will be wrong.”

Before we get to who is cheese, let’s get to what is cheese, specifically this cheese, and what it is doing in basketball.

As a product, Velveeta is bright, a toxic meltdown shade of yellow-orange that essentially needs to be destroyed for the process of consumption. It’s indulgent, there’s a comfort to its uniformity as much as its end result, its unapologetic. Some of this comes through just staring at a brick of it, but the online voice of Velveeta helps, a voice made ostensibly louder — probably like yours does — when it comes to basketball.

“I would say 80 percent of the time it’s in all caps, and that’s just cause we’re enthusiastic,” they said. “We’re just happy to be there. If someone’s talking hoops with us, oh my gosh, what else is the internet for?”

It’s become less strange to witness the way brands engage online because by now we’re immune as much as we understand the people behind these accounts by and large become their voices. There are still off-putting moments where engagement breaks the fourth wall and becomes uncomfortable or cringeworthy, but Velveeta’s figured out a couple workarounds. For one, NBA Twitter is a place that implodes and combusts daily, a strange and nebulous vortex that forever swirls with joy and drama, riptides of self-derision and solar flares of grief. It is at once self-serious and totally not. It is weirdly the perfect place for Velveeta.

And second, it all happened pretty slowly.

There were some early basketball adjacent alignments, demure compared to the product itself. Velveeta has been involved with the SEC and a Q&A series of videos for The Player’s Tribune that featured Grizzlies standouts Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr. with a dip of Velveeta queso nestled between the two, from which they would occasionally dunk a chip. But the Twitter stuff, as with all Twitter stuff, was its own strange echelon — “Usually it was if someone from NBA Twitter followed us, or if they engaged with us, if they were a verified NBA Twitter person, [we] would follow them. Except for like, Woj and Shams, they don’t follow Velveeta.”

Its fan allegiances developed in the same way, with Velveeta having become such a staunch Oklahoma City Thunder supporter that the Mayor of Oklahoma City and several state legislators now follow the account.

“Someone from an OKC blog tweeted they liked Velveeta, and I just responded not realizing what it was. But then I realized it was OKC and replied with a bunch of Nick Collison and Robert Swift references,” the sentient cheese product recalled. “It’s the only professional team in the state, so they’re die-hards, and they just wanted to ask us questions. And then the Reddit people reached out to us and said would you do an AMA and we were like, as a cheese?”

Velveeta assumed it would get “like five people” but ended up doing all three hours. “It was really, really wonderful. We’re hoping to name the arena, the Chesapeake Energy Arena is losing their rights to that, and we’re trying to name it the ‘Liquid Gold Thunderdome’. If anyone has $1.2 billion lying around, let us know.”

Despite having settled into a fairly niche space in the hearts of OKC fans (“We love Dort. We tell people that the password to our Twitter account is ‘dorthalloffame’ — don’t test it. On Game 7 of the [sic] Finals, Velveeta tweeted something about Dort right at the beginning and then he went on to have a 30-point Game 7, and we were like, ‘We did that!’ We didn’t.”) and NBA Twitter, basketball doesn’t love Velveeta all the way back yet. The brand’s “Shells & Cheese” product was included in a welcome bag with other snacks for players upon arrival in the Orlando bubble and J.R. Smith hopped on Instagram Live for some fairly incredulous unboxing commentary.

Smith’s concerns were overall about nutrition, noting, “if you want a Ferrari to run like a Ferrari” you had to fuel it accordingly. But remember how much anxiety there was about the quality of food in the bubble at its onset? Retrospectively, it is easy to see how a simple snack basket became loaded, but not every player hated it, “Terrance Ferguson had it for the first time,” the cheese recalled, “and he really liked it.”

So probably you are wondering who is this amorphous cheese, melting over all the best parts of basketball and the subsequent engagement it yields from fans. But in a way, wouldn’t you say we already know the identity of the cheese product? That when it casually dips in and out of conversations offering some game insight, a passing player theory, as if these were personally learned and heartfelt opinions signaling a rich inner ball-is-life life, we feel a glimmer of recognition? You do, because the cheese is us.

There are so few good surprises unfolding in a year where time has completely swamped us. Whether you feel it’s funny or completely depressing to give credible stock to a brand’s online persona is completely your call, but there is a delightful and maybe gross little mystery in keeping this one housed in the safety of imagination.

What I will tell you is that Velveeta could be — probably is! — somebody you know. They really are a fan, they’ve melted through multiple cities and their subsequent markets but love basketball and its universe because it’s so vibrant, a permanent bright spot. They really do love Dort and did have an alert set up for VanVleet. They think “people fight too much on the internet about stats” and that “we should just be ok with saying we don’t know more … NBA Twitter needs to figure out how to talk better. If cheese can help it be more responsible, that’s a win.”

“Also, stop ranking. Velveeta wants people to stop ranking players,” they said. “Do a tiered system like it’s a queso dip. It’s not all-time, it’s what are you in the mood for? Make it a buffet.”

2020 is grotesque, throwing us for loops we’re hanging in a permanent state of suspension from with no real indication of when we’re going to come down. It makes sense, when you pile it all up, that a cheese made me cry or gives you a strange little vibration of recognition down your spine with how much like you it approaches stats, how unhinged it can be about a game. Melting your fear and eating it seems a good enough approach to life as anything.

But if you still want more I made an NBA Proust Questionnaire and asked Velveeta — the entity, the sentient basketball cheese — to do it.

What is your idea of perfect basketball happiness?

Eating queso, watching Dort hit a game winning three in the Liquid Gold Thunder Dome

What is your greatest fear — not enough cap space or a bad draft decision?

A bad draft decision is an act of villainy. Fools get forgotten, villains never die. We remember Darko we don’t remember a team that had no shot at Lebron not having the cap space.

What is the trait you most deplore in modern analytics?

Certainty.

Which living person does Kawhi Leonard most admire?

Probably like an awesome tree he saw once.

What player would you go into the luxury tax for?

Most! A GM getting his owner into the Luxury Tax is an act of resistance.

What is Sam Presti’s current state of mind?

Like a kid playing UNO holding a bunch of “Wild Card Draw 4”’s

What do you consider the most overrated stat?

Steals. It’s worthless. It’s either a Turnover or a Steal it can’t be both.

On what occasion does the ball lie?

Goaltending. Or if a Ball says it doesn’t like Shells and Cheese.

Which living person does Chris Paul most despise?

Alfonso Riebiero.

What is the quality you most like in a modern stretch 5?

Mobility. And a positive attitude.

When and where was Rasheed Wallace happiest?

That one game he played for Atlanta.

Which NBA talent would you most like to have?

Dort, Luka or our son Fred Vanvleet.

If you were to die and come back as a mascot, which mascot would it be?

Our brand playbook probably would say a Liquid Golden State Warrior. Our heart says Seattle’s Squatch.

In which NBA market would you most like to live?

O-Ques-C

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery in a regular season?

Second Week of March.

What is your most marked statistic/what statistic best describes you?

VORP, Velveeta Over Replacement Pasta

What are your favorite player nicknames?

Chesus Shuttlesworth

What is it that you most dislike about the modern NBA?

When people preface their statement “In today’s NBA, because it’s like oh you mean we’re not time traveling?” Also not enough Queso in Stadiums.

What do you most value in a lineup?

Friendship.

What is Steve Ballmer’s greatest dance move?

Windows 95 Launch, no question. It was perfect. It was primal. For a glorious moment the gates of Valhalla opened and we basked her in creamy golden goodness.

Joe Biden is leading Donald Trump by nearly four million votes in the presidential election, and he’ll hit the necessary 270 Electoral College mark once Pennsylvania, Nevada, or Georgia makes it official. But Chris Rock doesn’t feel like dancing.

“Oddly I don’t feel like celebrating. I feel like Tom Hanks towards the end of Cast Away,” the Fargo actor wrote on Instagram, referring to the 2000 Robert Zemeckis movie. “I’m really happy the ship came but I dont want to party. I just want to take a shower cut my hair eat a shrimp find Helen Hunt deliver my last package and figure out the rest of my life.” What Rock seems to be getting at is something many Democrats, or at least non-Trump supporters, are feeling today: it’s good that Biden is (probably) going to win, but the work has just begin. Or maybe he wants to buy a new volleyball, I don’t know.

Rock and Trump’s lives have intersected in the past, including the time the president c*ckblocked him, Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall, and Prince in the club. “Trump walks in and all these girls just start running to that side of the room because a f*cking 6-foot-whatever blond billionaire with his name on all the buildings walks in — like if that room was a seesaw, we’d be in the air,” he said. Rock will get his revenge with this weekend’s potential follow-up to this 2016 SNL sketch. Dave Chappelle is even back as host.

(Via Instagram)

After disrupting the traditional TV model as we know it, Netflix is officially taking its first stab at… traditional TV? With the various stay-at-home orders around the world sending demand for at-home entertainment through the roof, the streaming giant is testing out its own channel that will offer real-time, scheduled programming just like in the Before Times. While the test is only happening in France (for now), the experiment is an interesting endeavor for Netflix who says that “many viewers like the idea of programming that doesn’t require them to choose what they are going to watch.” Via Variety:

“Whether you are lacking inspiration or whether you are discovering Netflix for the first time, you could let yourself be guided for the first time without having to choose a particular title and let yourself be surprised by the diversity of Netflix’s library,” said the streaming giant.

Netflix’s attempt to further appeal to the couch potato demographic by taking the admittedly arduous task of picking a show off the table arrives on the heel of its decision to raise prices in the U.S. This would be the second price hike for the streaming service in under 18 months, and it defended the increase by citing the high quality of its original programming and its deep bench of content.

“We understand people have more entertainment choices than ever and we’re committed to delivering an even better experience for our members,” Netflix said in a statement to The Hollywood Reporter. “We’re updating our prices so that we can continue to offer more variety of TV shows and films.”

(Via Variety)