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What goes through your brain when you hear the phrase “the beautiful game?” You obviously think of soccer, but go a little deeper than that — what does that phrase represent in your mind? Is it the crisp, intricate passing of Spain’s national team during its heyday? Is it Lionel Messi getting the ball at his feet and, within fractions of a second, figuring out every way he could break down a defender before putting them all through some sort of internal algorithm and determining the optimal way to make that happen? Is it a tournament like the World Cup, which for all of its flaws is a unique, legitimate celebration of the sport played at the absolute highest level?

For me, “the beautiful game” is a phrase that alludes to soccer’s ability to transcend any and all barriers. No special equipment is needed to play the game, just some space, a ball that can be kicked, and some sort of makeshift goal that said ball can be kicked through. It is a sport that transcends class, race, gender, and any other burden that groups in power can impose on others.

This hasn’t always been the case with soccer in the United States. Despite the fact that hundreds of thousands of children play the sport, soccer has long had a reputation for being a fairly exclusive sport as you go up the ladder. Following the United States men’s national team’s failure to qualify for the 2018 World Cup, this “pay to play” system — one that, essentially, meant that money served as a barrier to entry for many youngsters to pursue this game with any level of seriousness — was excoriated by just about everyone who cares about the sport in America. It doesn’t take someone with Messi’s celestial grasp of the sport to understand what this means: Like most hyper-capitalistic entities, if you do not come from a background of privilege, the odds of you being recognized for the talent you possess are slashed exponentially.

Two seconds of thought about this entire system makes you realize it is wholly insane, particularly in a sport where the United States — and to be clear, this is exclusively on the men’s side — is behind the 8-ball. But even taking a step back, what this says to young people from marginalized backgrounds is that their pursuit of some sort of dream does not deserve to happen because of circumstances outside of their control. And because of just the nature of how class works in this country, those circumstances are oftentimes outside of the control of their parents or guardians, too.

All of that comes back to the original point: While the beautiful game’s low barrier for entry exists worldwide, that’s not necessarily the case in our corner of the world. This year, the newly-formed Black Players for Change took on the challenge of facing this head-on. The organization, launched on Juneteenth, released a statement indicating that its goal is to combat racism in the sport and society more broadly. A snippet:

This is a new organization that will address the racial inequalities in our league, stand with all those fighting racism in the world of soccer, and positively impact black communities across the United States and Canada.

We pledge to help bridge the racial equality gap that exists in our league by lobbying for initiatives like implicit bias training, cultural education courses, and diversification hiring practices. Beyond addressing these overlooked systemic issues around soccer in this country, the BPC is committed to tackling the racial injustices that have prevented black people from having an equitable stake in society. Among the many goals we will strive to achieve in our black communities, some will include targeted spending, educational advancement initiatives, and mentorship programs.

“We also want to make soccer a sport for Black kids to feel comfortable in,” Portland Timbers standout and BPC board member Jeremy Ebobisse said in an interview. “We feel like that’s an avenue for success. I know growing up for me, personally, there was a lot of talk all over that my place was as a basketball player, as a football player. And I think that that’s due to the lack of engagement that our professional sports world has with the Black community. And so we’re looking to target investment in education and in other mechanisms, but also, specifically, in developing the game, whether that’s building courts, showing up on a consistent basis in these communities to show that the sports teams that a lot of our teams are built around actually care about them. There’s a fluid conversation on how to specifically target and get the most out of it, but we’re focused on the development of the game within the Black community and hoping that we can continue those efforts with some of those elder players, some of those guys that have come through and helping them get established in these organizations.”

In all, the BPC consists of more than 170 MLS players, coaches, and staff members, all of whom are driven to create the sport and society as a whole more equitable.

According to its website, “BPC is committed to tackling the racial injustices that have limited Black people from having an equitable stake in the game of soccer and society.” It is not limited to individual who were born within our country’s borders, because battling the forces that oppress is not a uniquely American fight. The “more than an athlete” phrase gets thrown around a ton thanks to LeBron James, but everyone involved in this organization sees that many of the overarching, impossible to ignore societal issues that need remedied cannot help but impact sports — the BPC launched less than a month after George Floyd became the latest Black man to be killed by a police officer who took an oath to serve and protect.

This is not to say that racism is unique to football in America — earlier this month, for example, a Champions League tie between Paris Saint-Germain and Istanbul Basaksehir stopped mid-match and was postponed due to an official referring to a coach as, per a translation from Romanian, “the Black guy.” What BPC is looking to do, however, is take on the institution of racism at home, both in the game and beyond. The structural inequities upon which the United States and soccer are built upon are abhorrent, and calling it commendable that athletes are using their platforms to challenge them head-on is an understatement.

Through actions like installing 12 mini-pitches to give children of color a safe place to play the game, BPC is making accessibility to a game that has long suffered from an accessibility problem a top priority.

And who knows? Perhaps the work that will begin with BPC in the United States and Canada will eventually spread across the Atlantic as the seeds they plant begin to blossom. Think, for example, of Weston McKennie — who came up in the FC Dallas system before jumping to German side Schalke and is now a member of Italian giant Juventus — using his platform following Floyd’s killing to wear a “Justice for George Floyd” armband, or RB Leipzig’s Tyler Adams writing the same sentiment on a pair of cleats. They were, of course, joined by a number of non-American athletes, many of whom have forcefully denounced racism in football and pledged to do whatever it takes to get it out.

Barriers, whether they be a broad concept like racism or a specific barrier to entry a la pay to play, are man-made. Toppling them is an incomprehensibly difficult task, as entire institutions are built upon them. In soccer as a sport and society as a whole, though, Black Players for Change are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure both become more equitable. The myriad of reasons why it decided to form in 2020 could not be more tragic, but the work they will do will one day make sure the beautiful game comes closer and closer to living up to its name.

As more information flows from the NBA’s investigation into the Los Angeles Clippers and their recruitment of Kawhi Leonard in free agency last summer, a voicemail allegedly left by Jerry West for the man now suing him has been released by TMZ.

In the voicemail, a man who identifies himself as “Jerry” can be heard discussing the possibility that Leonard is leaning toward the Lakers. The man also thanks the person on the other line for his help and calling the Lakers a “sh*t show.”

“Hey there, this is Jerry calling,” the person who is allegedly West says. “I really want to thank you a lot for trying to help. I heard this morning that everyone over in the Lakers camp thinks they’re gonna get him.”

These leaks appear to be happening because the alleged recipient of this voicemail, Johnny Wilkes, is suing West for not paying him out properly for his assistance in the Clippers’ pursuit of Leonard in free agency. Wilkes told TMZ there is another person named in the voicemail, Sam Watson, who also aided the Clippers as they pursued Leonard.

According to TMZ, West has continually denied wrongdoing, but after the leak of this voicemail, neither West or the team would comment in response.

Lil Uzi Vert’s 2020 is one his fans have been waiting for a few years for, especially since the release of his Luv Is Rage 2. After clearing a few hurdles that were rooted in issues with his label, Lil Uzi returned to the music scene this year with Eternal Atake and its deluxe version, which also served as a sequel to his 2014 mixtape Lil Uzi Vert Vs. The World. In addition, the Philly native linked up with Future for his third project of the year with Pluto X Baby Pluto. Despite having an already-strong resume for this year, Lil Uzi returns with a delightful remix of Popp Hunna’s “Adderall (Corvette Corvette).”

Popp Hunna also comes from Uzi’s Philly hometown, so the new remix is a great way to uplift the buzzing artist who’s been enjoying a viral moment. The song is blowing up on the social media app TikTok and has birthed the #CorvetteCorvetteChallenge. In addition, the track fits Lil Uzi perfectly with its resemblance to “Celebration Station” from his Eternal Atake album. The remix was also released with a music video that finds the Philly natives linking up with Corvettes surrounding them.

Press play on the “Adderall (Corvette Corvette)” remix in the video above.

Lil Uzi Vert is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group

It looks like Cupcakke got exactly what she wanted when she released the trolling single “How To Rob (Remix).” After mentioning seemingly half the working artists in rap, she got a bite from up-and-coming rapper Sukihana, who clapped back a day later with the defiant “Rob Who.” Now, the two rappers are engaged in a lyrical tussle, and it’s Cupcakke’s turn to unload with the furious “The Gag Is.” Judging by the sound of it, she was waiting for the opportunity to pounce and relishes terrorizing her newfound opponent.

Over a menacing beat, Cupcakke goes in on Suki, rejecting any calls for peace right out the gate. “You got a whole man with an OnlyFans / B*tch, that don’t add up,” she snarls among other insults. The usually raunchy rapper seems to have taken the comparison to Vivian from Bebe’s Kids personally as she spends nearly three minutes shredding her competition with brutal barbs taking aim at everything from Suki’s surgery to her lyrics to her kids.

Although Suki was the first to respond to Cupcakke’s vicious remake of 50 Cent’s breakout single, she’s far from the only person with reason to. Cupcakke threatens or mocks Cardi B, City Girls, Chief Keef, DaBaby, Doja Cat, DreamDoll, Flo Milli, and many, many more on the track.

Listen to “The Gag Is” above.

It’s been a troubling year for the film industry. A global pandemic has carried waves of restrictions and lockdown orders that have hampered even the most powerful studios. Hollywood’s sat static, with tentpole releases being pushed back, shooting schedules grinding to a halt, and promising movies and TV shows shelved or scrapped in the interim. And yet, if you’re a fan of Margot Robbie, this year has somehow also managed to deliver a slew of buzzy projects that are reframing how the industry operates in the post TimesUp era.

Of course, the catch is, a lot of those projects won’t see Robbie in front of the camera. Instead, the actress has used this turbulent year to don a producing hat – one she hangs up at her company LuckyChap Entertainment – and affect real change in a still-predominately-male field.

Actors launching their own producing outfits isn’t anything new. The Clooneys, the Pitts, and the Cruises have been doing it for decades. But it was remarkably rare for an actress to add that credit to her resume before the Witherspoons and the Therons and the Davises decided to capitalize on their awards clout and marketability to tell the stories they were interested in. These stories tend to skew female, trading in traditional male protagonists with straight-forward redemption arcs for messy, complicated women audiences can actually relate to. What’s more, female-led movies often end up hiring a diverse crew, giving women and minorities opportunities in front of, and behind, the camera that might have been inaccessible before.

Robbie’s done that too – leveled the playing field by pursuing passion projects that she funds with bigger roles in Quentin Tarantino flicks and Martin Scorsese dramas. But what’s remarkable about the year the actress has had is how it’s reshaping Hollywood from the ground-up, during a time when the status-quo model is in desperate need of reinvention and when women directors seem to be making huge gains.

Earlier this year, Variety announced that Robbie, along with in-demand screenwriter Christina Hodson, had formed her own screenwriting lab, The Lucky Exports Pitch Program. The month-long workshop kicked off in November 2019 and its goal was simple: to give female creators a space to develop and refine their ideas with the help of other women creatives. More specifically, Robbie wanted the inaugural writer’s room to help women break into film’s action and franchise boy-club. Together with Hodson, she chose six women planning bold interpretations and reinventions of those genres.

They were writers whose work had already made it in primetime TV shows, series like Marvel’s Agent Carter and Apple TV+’s Jason Momoa-starring See, but during a time when issues of equality and gatekeeping continue to plague the industry, they probably would’ve had difficulty selling their scripts to the bigger studios.

That’s where Robbie and Hodson’s lab came in, recruiting mentors and experienced professionals to help the women not only build-out their original ideas, but package, pitch, and market them to Hollywood executives. The result? All six writers — Sue Chung, Charmaine DeGraté, Eileen Jones, Faith Liu, Dagny Looper, and Maria Sten – sold their projects to companies that included Universal Pictures, Blumhouse, Sony, and New Line. These were gritty action-thrillers with immigration bents, lethal spy dramas, adrenaline-packed Westerns reimagining the California Gold Rush, and teen slashers about college-aged biohackers – the kinds of stories women rarely get to tell, let alone conceive of and control … at least not in this business.

But for Robbie, the lab is just the latest success story amidst a track record filled with perception-shifting wins when it comes to female autonomy in film. Long past the days when she could be pigeon-holed as the “next-door it-girl,” Robbie has spent the last decade quietly toppling some of the more insidious patriarchal structures that make it so difficult for women to succeed in the industry. She did it with I, Tonya, where she used the miraculous rise and tragic fall of figure skating icon Tonya Harding to question Hollywood’s idealization of beauty and talent, and its condemnation of poverty and female ambition. She did it with Birds of Prey, keeping the dream of a superhero girl squad alive by both producing the Warner Brothers hit and advocating for its woman-led crew, including DC’s first female Asian director, Cathy Yan. And she did it with the upcoming release of Promising Young Woman, a rape-revenge fantasy she helped bring to life, written and directed by Killing Eve showrunner Emerald Fennell.

Those are the movies that have probably landed on your radar. The ones that haven’t – neo-noir thrillers like Terminal, Bonnie & Clyde period dramas like Dreamland, and the Kat Dennings Hulu comedy Dollface – are compelling works that challenge genre staples and examine classic tropes from interesting new angles. And there are still more down the pipeline, from Greta Gerwig’s Barbie, which Robbie will star in, to a retelling of Robin Hood from Maid Marian’s point of view, to a Tank Girl revival. All films that center on women and champion female creatives.

In a year that brought doubt about the industry’s future, and worries that the pandemic might reverse any progress made when it comes to diversity and inclusion behind the camera, Robbie eschewed focusing on her own acting career to give other women a launching platform in a space where their voices are often stifled, if not completely snuffed out.

The beef between Taylor Swift and Scooter Braun has been one of the most-discussed music feuds of the past few years, and people in the industry have shared their thoughts on it. Now, so too has Pharrell, and it seems like he sees both Swift and Braun’s perspectives of the situation.

In a recent Variety interview, Pharrell gave a diplomatic response when asked about Swift and Braun, acknowledging both of their vantage points while placing blame on the music industry at large:

“It’s really unfortunate, you know. There was room for him to make his acquisition because that’s just the way the business is, and I felt for her and not being able to be in control of it. There’s a system in place that’s just all wrong. He’s a businessman and he also represents artists, so from his point of view he’s just making an acquisition of something that he felt would be a good investment. But the artist should have the opportunity [to retain ownership], and I don’t know whether she did or she didn’t. I just know that the system is wired in ways that is oftentimes not always fair to the creator. I think it should be the norm that the creators retain their rights.”

He also spoke about acquiring ownership over his own master recordings, saying, “It was a huge milestone, but it shouldn’t be, and we shouldn’t be celebrating that because I shouldn’t be one of… let’s call it dozens of people who own their original recordings. A master recording is the original and every other copy is the slave. We got them to take that out of their language in all the contracts for the Sony companies. It’s all over the place — you know, master bedroom — so there’s a lot of language that we need to change.”

Read the full interview here.

The Rundown is usually a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. This is not that. This is a very special all-Christmas edition. It’s still formatted the same, and still contains a list of some good things, it’s just that this time they’re all holiday-themed, or at least sort of holiday-themed. It’s festive. Grab some cocoa and enjoy.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Listen to me

Well, guess what: It’s Christmas. It doesn’t exactly feel like it, for about seven reasons that don’t need rehashing here. You can go one of two ways with this. You can lean hard into the holiday spirit to try to drag your unwilling brain there like a child who does not want to go to school, or you can just ride the wave of apathy like Scrooge and be a grump about it. Or, I guess, there’s a third way: You can chill out and watch The Nice Guys. The Nice Guys is a Christmas movie, kind of, which works for a year when “kind of” applies to everything. Also, it is good. That helps, too.

The Nice Guys is one of many movies set at Christmas that are not actually about Christmas. Die Hard is the most famous of these, as you know and can’t avoid, because lots of people like to insist it is “the best Christmas movie.” I tend to disagree, personally, if only to draw a line between Christmas movies and movies that take place during Christmas. Die Hard 2 is probably more of a Christmas movie than the original, if we’re being honest here. Dennis Franz’s character goes on a personal journey not entirely dissimilar from Ebenezer Scrooge, just with dozens of armed terrorists and Bruce Willis visiting him instead of three spirits. Same thing, really.

There are others, too: Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Iron Man 3, The Last Boy Scout, aaaaaand I’m just listing movies written and/or directed by Shane Black, who also wrote and directed The Nice Guys. This is not new information. Shane Black loves setting action movies around the holidays. He explained why to Entertainment Weekly a few years ago:

“Christmas represents a little stutter in the march of days, a hush in which we have a chance to assess and retrospect our lives. I tend to think also that it just informs as a backdrop. The first time I noticed it was Three Days of the Condor, the Sydney Pollack film, where Christmas in the background adds this really odd, chilling counterpoint to the espionage plot. I also think that Christmas is just a thing of beauty, especially as it applies to places like Los Angeles, where it’s not so obvious, and you have to dig for it, like little nuggets.”

So there’s that. The ties to Christmas in The Nice Guys are thinner than some of the other movies listed above. It barely even comes up for most of the movie. The best real evidence comes right at the end, in this scene in the bar, with the decorations in the background.

Christmas confirmed. You now have an excuse to watch this movie, again or for the first time, which you probably should, especially if you tend to enjoy Shane Black’s movies, which I do. It is very much a Shane Black movie, too. It opens with a dead adult film star and features a wise-cracking child and a couple of mismatched detectives and some grammar jokes and a big shootout at the end. The man has a style.

It’s also worth watching it again to remember how good Ryan Gosling is. Ryan Gosling is so good in The Nice Guys. It’s a little infuriating, actually. People should not be allowed to be that good looking and talented and good at physical comedy. The example I always use is that it’s like discovering the richest dude you know is also a scratch golfer. You don’t need to have everything, buddy. Be bad at one thing. For me.

But that’s just me being petty. This is not the time of year for that. This is a time to appreciate things, like Russell Crowe doing comedy and Matt Bomer showing up with about 50 firearms evil Kim Basinger and Ryan Gosling having a luxurious 1970s mustache and doing a whole piece of business with a pistol and a bathroom stall that is funnier in about 15 seconds than some comedies are in their entire running time.

It’s a good movie. It’s a fun way to spend a couple of hours on a night this weekend, a night you might have otherwise spent with friends and family at a big holiday party. This Christmas may not feel like Christmas in a lot of ways. We’re all going to have to hunker down and figure out how to make it work. I’m probably going to watch The Nice Guys tonight. And at some point, I’ll also watch what is, in my opinion, the actual single best Christmas movie: The Muppet Christmas Carol. More movies should be narrated by a small blue monster with a long crooked nose who is pretending to be Charles Dickens. It probably could have made The Nice Guys even better, now that I think about it.

Something to consider going forward, I guess.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — Send me the cake, Tom

Two things are important here:

• Tom Cruise sends lots of people an allegedly very delicious white chocolate coconut Bundt cake every Christmas from a place called Doan’s Bakery
• I am using the picture of Tom Cruise waving to photographers while standing up on a speeding boat instead of a picture of cake because it is one of my favorite pictures ever and I have used much flimsier excuses than this to post it

But back to the cake. Apparently, Tom Cruise has been doing this for a long time. He sends them as little thank yous to co-stars and friends and crew members and a whole bunch of other people. It’s more important this year, though, in part because the holidays are going to be so weird for everyone and any nice gesture will help, and in part because I just found out about it and now I WANT THE CAKE, TOM.

The “pillowy” cake and Doan’s Bakery are favorites among Hollywood A-listers, but the dessert has become so associated with Cruise that it’s informally known as the “Tom Cruise Coconut Cake,” said the site Goldbelly.com. Made with chunks of sweet white chocolate, rich cream cheese frosting and toasted coconut flakes, the cake can be shipped for $99 and is “good enough to derail the strictest Hollywood diets,” Goldbelly.com reported.

I DON’T WANT TO PAY $99 FOR THE CAKE

I WANT TOM CRUISE TO SEND ME THE CAKE

SEND ME THE CAKE, TOM

I’VE SEEN ALL THE MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE MOVIES

I’VE EVEN DEFENDED MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE II

IN WRITING

THE CAKE

TOM

SEND IT TO ME

In any case, celebrities who have talked up Cruise’s coconut cake generosity include Jimmy Fallon, Henry Cavill and Cobie Smuthers. Rosie O’Donnell once posted a photo of her cake, wrapped in a bow, on Instagram, with the caption “Christmas is here when Tommy’s gift shows up #holidayseason,” Us Weekly reported.

TOM

TOM CRUISE

COME ON

SEND ME THE CAKE

PLEASE

I’M SORRY FOR YELLING

I JUST REALLY WANT IT

I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN

TOM

SEND ME THE CAKE, TOM

I’LL GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS

TOM CRUISE

THE CAKE

ME

SEND

CAKE

TOM

PLEASE

ITEM NUMBER THREE — A good Christmas song to add to your holiday playlist

I could really go for a new season of Documentary Now. I could go for a new season of Documentary Now for a bunch of reasons: because there hasn’t been one in a while, because I love it, because I’ve already watched “Juan Likes Rice and Chicken” like 200 times, etc. But since I don’t have a new season to watch yet, and what with it being the Christmas season, I suppose the next best thing I can do is listen to the song “Holiday Party” from the “Co-op” episode.

Have you listened to this song before? I do hope you have. I also hope you have not, though, because if you have not listened to it yet that means you get to push play right now and listen to it with fresh ears. What a treat for you! I’m actually kind of jealous because I know what’s coming in the song and it still cracks me up every single time. How could it not? Especially when Renee Elise Goldsberry from freaking Hamilton starts singing and it happens again. What a perfect little piece of comedy. A Christmas treat. Watch it right now if you haven’t, before I spoil the surprise in a few paragraphs. Hurry.

You know what? Let’s all have some fun this holiday season. Let’s all make a big Christmas playlist with all of our favorite classic numbers on it and then let’s slip this sucker in right in the middle, between… oh, I don’t know… let’s go with between “O Holy Night” and “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” It won’t be quite as fun without a big crowd of people hearing it together and slowly realizing what is happening, but it’s still a little treat for you and whoever is within earshot.

You could also play the long game with it. Listen to it a bunch of times to learn the words, then do it next year at the party and sing along through the first verse like it’s a popular song everyone should know. Really get after it. The goal is for lots of people to be paying attention to you when you get to this part…

… and then you just BELT it out. Hilarious. A little gift from you to you. You’ve earned it.

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — I understand the sentiment but they did not have to bring the horse into this

Prepare to read one of the truest sentences you’ll ever encounter. Here we go.

Please listen to the song again. I think, maybe, it never really sunk in for you how brutal these insults are. All of them, top to bottom. Imagine someone saying any of them about you. Imagine someone saying any of them to your face. Because someone saying like “you’re an ugly piece of trash” is bad, yes, sure, of course, but “your brain is full of spiders” and “your heart is full of unwashed socks” are hurtful. The specificity of it all. They really put some thought into those. They hate you so much they really sat down to craft an insult. That’s an entirely different level.

The worst ones are in the very last verse, though. They never really jumped out at me until I saw them in print. Here, let me show you what I mean via blockquote.

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch
With a nauseous super “naus”!
You’re a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Mr. Grinch
You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

I don’t know what exactly “a nauseous super naus” is but it sure sounds rough. Probably how you’d feel after chasing a bowl of chocolate ice cream with a tall glass of orange juice. But the real killer is the “crooked dirty jockey” line, partially because he’s implying that, if you were a jockey, you would be the kind that cheats, and partially because he’s dragging your poor horse into it for no reason at all. I don’t even know what he means by “crooked hoss.” Is he saying your horse can’t run straight or that the horse is a cheater, too? Pretty bad either way. That horse never did anything to anyone. Probably. Unless the cheating thing is true.

Anyway, I guess this is also your reminder that this song is performed by a man whose name is Thurl Ravenscroft. You can look it up and everything.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — A good tweet

I say this every time I post a Guy Fieri tweet in this column but I am going to say it again now because it is still undeniably true: His social media team is excellent, one of the best out there, but it is way, way more fun to picture Guy Fieri sitting at his laptop and Photoshopping all of these himself, so let’s all just go ahead and continue doing that.

Also: Someone please make a cartoon where Guy Fieri has to take over for Santa and moves the workshop to Flavortown. And speaking of people playing Santa…

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at [email protected] (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Brandon:

Since it’s [waves at the general everything] we’ve been mainlining holiday movies even harder than normal. One that never became A Thing in my house growing up was the ’94 remake of Miracle on 34th Street due to the very 90’s reason of we didn’t own a copy, but my wife loves it and it’s now in the rotation. Since you might need some #content for the Rundown on Christmas Eve, I have a question.

The casting is bonkers- aside from Richard Attenborough being objectively perfect as Santa, you’ve got The Guy From The Practice and The Little Girl From Mrs. Doubtfire carrying a remake of a beloved film. If this was remade today, everyone from the main roles to the judge to the CEO of Macy’s would be some sort of stunt casting. So, my question to you is: who do you cast in a 2021 remake of Miracle on 34th St?

My quick cast:
Main Lawyer Person: Charlize Theron
Macy’s Event Person/Love Interest: Chris Pine
Spunky Kid That Invariably Talks Like A Clever Screenwriter: [whatever the Kid Du Jour is these days]
Judge: Morgan Freeman
Opposing Lawyer That We Need To Hate: Christoph Waltz
Kris Kringle: Either we fatten up Sir Ian McKellen or have Jack Black play it straight?

Aside from that, the Gimbels board of directors would consist entirely of comedians that could deadpan evil riffs endlessly and look at home in a suit (John Mulaney, Keegan Michael Key, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bamford using her kind authority voice) and then one guy who is, in a recurring bit, repeatedly glared at for having happy, nice ideas (it’s Ron Funches. I invented this entire part to get more Ron Funches in our lives).

Well, this is pretty much a perfect email. It sets out a premise, gives a little background, and pays it off in a fun way with a couple of little twists. I had not even considered Jack Black as Santa Claus until I read that part and now it is all I can think about. Why isn’t Jack Black playing Santa in Miracle on 34th Street? Why hasn’t he played Santa already? Why isn’t there a Santa Clause-style franchise with him as Santa? It’s madness. I’m legitimately upset now. Let Jack Black play Santa Claus! Make him play Santa Claus if you have to! Something must be done here.

I will also accept Tracy Morgan as Santa. And maybe Frank Langella as the judge. I realized after The Trial of the Chicago 7 that he was born to play a cranky judge. But otherwise, a perfect email. Merry Christmas to me.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Indiana!

Service Sanitation, an Indiana-based port-a-potty company, said it set a world record with its Jingle Johns display. The festive presentation featured more than two dozen port-a-potties with lit up faces singing “Hallelujah.”

A sincere and heartfelt congratulations to Service Sanitation for setting the world record for, uh… most port-a-potties singing “Hallelujah”? I don’t know. This is strange. Don’t mistake me, I’m very proud of them. It takes a certain type of genius to look at a couple of dozen portable toilets and jump to “I’m going to have them sing Christmas songs.” Don’t discount the follow-through on this, either. They actually did it. Think about how long it took. Think about how many people were involved.

This is a serious undertaking. We should acknowledge that.

Steve Dykstra, Director of Marketing for Service Sanitation, told McClatchy News it is not a Guinness World Record, but that the company is self-claiming the title after combing through the internet for days attempting to find a worthy contender.

A Guinness World Records spokesperson said they do not monitor records involving animated faces on light displays. Its most similar record is the largest interactive lighting display, which is in Sydney, Australia.

Okay, so it’s not really a world record. Technically. But I still vote we give it to them. Again, just for the whole undertaking involved. I’ve got to assume it’s never been beaten, either. It would be funny if this kicks off a sanitation arms race, though. Dozens of toilet distributors piling plastic outhouses to the heavens in an attempt to out-do each other and take home the prize. Make it a whole competition. Make it a reality show that airs every December. I was joking when I started typing this paragraph but now I am serious. Make this a Christmas tradition. I want Tom Cruise to send me that cake and I want to eat it while watching gruff sanitation workers in Santa hats stack port-a-potties with a crane. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

Wait. Hold on. You didn’t think I’d finish this whole section about singing toilets without showing you the singing toilets, did you? That’s ridiculous. I would never do that to you. Especially not during this, the season of giving. Here they are. Enjoy. And Merry Christmas.

As the only part of the Lakers’ young core who did not go to New Orleans in the Anthony Davis deal and a part of the Lakers’ 2020 championship team, Kyle Kuzma likely holds an interesting place in Lakers’ fans hearts. It seems he and the Lakers are also at odds about his exact place in their future, too.

A new report from Kyle Goon of the Orange County Register indicates extension talks, which faced a league-wide deadline of Monday, have stalled:

The status of those discussions? Tabled for now. Kuzma met with Vogel and General Manager Rob Pelinka at the beginning of the month to feel out his role for the season, a person with knowledge of the situation told SCNG, and to get a sense for his future with the organization. Kuzma came away from the meeting with a sense that he would have to scrap for on-court opportunities.

The gifted young wing has never really put together a strong season in which he contributed at a high level to winning basketball, although in fairness, last year was his first time on a squad that made the playoffs and there was a major adjustment period for him — Kuzma shot just 43.6 percent from the field and 31.6 percent from three, while his Box Plus-Minus, which is just one way to measure a player’s all-around impact, was a career-worst minus-2.6.

With an expensive roster dominated by two veteran superstars in LeBron James and Anthony Davis, it makes sense that the Lakers would be cautious before loading up with another big contract. Yet they don’t have a great way to replace Kuzma, who despite his shortcomings is still probably the highest-upside player on the roster besides preseason breakout phenomenon Talen Horton-Tucker.

All this means there’s probably still a solid chance Kuzma stays with the Lakers long-term, but any new contract may have to come in free agency next summer rather than an extension.

Although grime has become internationally recognized, the roots of the genre still lie in a DIY, stripped-down aesthetic and freestyle verses from MCs recalling the details of their hardscrabble lives. That aesthetic is central to the new video from Northhampton rapper Slowthai’s new video “Thoughts.” Circling up with his “bruddahs” in a parking lot at night, Slowthai blazes through a burly verse detailing his mindset and venting his feelings.

The song likely won’t appear on his upcoming album Tyron but is a strong reminder that although he’s now working with big names like Disclosure, Gorillaz, and more, he still has the chops to return to the streets any time — and still make the local constabulary nervous. A handful of officers oversee the shoot, nodding to grime still being considered dangerous by the authorities.

Meanwhile, the two videos that Slowthai has released from Tyron so far demonstrate how far the rapper has come creatively. “Feel Away,” which includes features from James Blake and Mount Kimbie, found Slowthai giving birth in a surreal concept, while “NHS” found a slick way to incorporate quarantine into its low-key treatment.

Watch Slowthai’s “Thoughts” video above.

Gorillaz is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

The famous cue cards scene from Love Actually has been parodied about as much as any moment from any movie, and now Dua Lipa and Jimmy Fallon decided to get in on it as a way to introduce a holiday-themed performance.

In the video, Fallon sees Lipa walking down a hallway and asks how she’s doing, and she whispers in response, “I’m good, how are you?” Fallon presses her for more, but Lipa reveals she’s saving her voice for her upcoming Saturday Night Live appearance. So, grabbing a stack of cue cards, Lipa, in direct opposition of her voice-saving measures, asks Fallon if she wants to sing a Christmas song with her.

He obliges and the scene shifts to the pair performing Love Actually‘s “Christmas Is All Around,” which itself is a re-worked version of The Troggs’ “Love Is All Around.” The performance visuals shift between the two singing on a stage to lo-fi footage of the two outside enjoying holiday sights.

As suggested above, this comes ahead of Lipa’s upcoming stint as SNL musical guest on this weekend’s episode, which will be hosted by Kristen Wiig.

Watch Lipa and Fallon perform “Christmas Is All Around” above.

Dua Lipa is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.